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Kinship Care Advice Service for Scotland (KCASS) and the Foundation for Families (FFF) project have developed specific Life Story Work resources for kinship families. They set out why it is important and some ideas of activities to get you started.

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Life Story in Kinship Care – Kinship.scot

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We know that becoming a Kinship Carer impacts you and your family’s life greatly. We also recognise that for you as the Kinship Carer there will be a whole range of emotions coming into play – concern for children’s wellbeing, your own feelings about how they have come into your care, and most of all a fierce, protective love for the children.

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Stand Up For Siblings (SUFS) is a Scotland-wide partnership of organisations working together to improve and change legislation, policy and practice impacting on the relationships between care experienced brothers and sisters.

SUFS hosts a Community of Practice bringing together all those who are passionate about this agenda across Scotland and who wish to be part of the change. The community meet regularly, on-line and in person, to share ideas, learn and collaborate.

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Adoption England have produced a helpful resource about supporting adopted children to stay in touch with birth relatives including siblings. It takes a trauma-informed approach and many of the ideas can be adapted for kinship care and foster care arrangements.

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Adoptive Parents Maintaining Relationships with Birth Parents | Adoption England

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Modern adoption aims to support adoptive families to stay in touch with the child’s birth relatives, where it is safe to do so and is in the best interest of the child.

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The legal rights of brothers and sisters

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The legal rights of brothers and sisters

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The Children (Scotland) Act 2020 introduced a number of measures that strengthen the rights of care experienced brothers and sisters to be placed together or, where this is not possible, to stay in touch. It also introduced duties on local authorities and Children's Hearings to involve siblings in decisions that could impact their relationships with brothers and sisters. A summary of the changes is provided on the Clan Childlaw website. Clan Childlaw were one of the organisations that campaigned for the rights of care experienced siblings to be strengthened as part of the Stand Up For Siblings (SUFS) collaboration.

You can also read about and listen to content about brothers and sisters' legal rights on the Stand Up For Siblings website and Who Cares? Scotland, another SUFS partner, have produced a Know Your Rights guide for care experienced young people.

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The Covid pandemic led to much more use of social media and digital technology to stay in touch with friends and family. There has been some research into the impact of this change for care experienced children and young people and there is broad support for using this method. The research also stresses that remote digital forms of staying in touch should not be expected to replace face-to-face meetings but instead enhance the opportunities for connection. It may suit siblings to stay in touch through video-calls, text messaging or even playing online games together with or without parental support. Some examples of suitable cross-platform games that can used safely with the right parental controls have been suggested by Adoption England.

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Contact after adoption: by Research in Practice

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Contact after adoption: by Research in Practice

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These open access resources are primarily aimed at adoption professionals but may also be useful for parents wishing to discuss best practice with their adoption agency or local authority.

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The type and frequency of contact a child has with their birth family needs careful consideration and planning, and should be determined by the needs and best interests of the child, both in the long and short term.

This open access website provides resources for practitioners in making evidence-informed post-adoption contact plans and supporting birth relatives and adopters through contact and planning for their child.

The resources cover:

Each section contains:

Research briefings and practical tools for training and working with families.

Exercises and case studies to consolidate learning.

Video and audio testimonies from children, birth and adoptive families on contact and support.

These resources are open access.

Access the contact after adoption learning resources.

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This open access website provides resources for practitioners in making evidence-informed post-adoption contact plans.

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The voices of care experienced brothers and sisters

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The voices of care experienced brothers and sisters

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Who Cares? Scotland have campaigned on the issue of sibling rights for many years. This publication contains some powerful testimony from care experienced young people about their experiences and wishes.

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This tool was developed by care experienced young people to help the adults around them to understand how they stay connected to important people online. It is designed to open up a conversation with young people about what is important to them.

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NHS Education for Scotland has produced a number of resources to help people affected by trauma and paid and unpaid carers to understand the impact of trauma and how to become trauma-informed.

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All of the workforce need to know and be able to do different things to provide trauma-informed practice, depending on their role in relation to people affected by trauma. The more contact we have, and the more we are required to respond to the impact of trauma, the more we need to understand and be able to adapt what we do accordingly.

Practice Types

The workforce are organised into four practice types, Trauma-Informed, Trauma-Skilled, Trauma-Enhanced and Trauma Specialist. These levels are cumulative, in that staff at one level should have completed trainings for all previous levels. For example, staff at Enhanced level will also previously have completed training at Informed and Skilled levels. Everyone in workforce needs to know and be able to do different things to improve outcomes, depending on the level of contact they have with people.

Find out what practice type fits your role

Knowledge and Skills Framework

The Transforming Psychological Trauma: Knowledge and Skills Framework (2017) outlines what all of us in the course of our work need to know and be able to do, in order to respond to the impact of trauma and support recovery.

Integrating voices of lived experience and professionals, it pulls together the best available evidence on trauma and recovery. All NES resources are based on this competency framework, however it has been designed for any organisation to develop their own high quality, evidence-based trainings alongside the Scottish Transforming Psychological Trauma Training Plan (see below).

Scottish Transforming Psychological Trauma Training Plan

The Trauma Training Plan should be read alongside the Knowledge and Skills Framework and provides essential guidance and planning tools to support:

Workers, managers and organisations to identify their own trauma training needs with reference to the Trauma Framework

Service managers and commissioners to develop or commission training to address the needs of their organisations and workers

Training providers to develop and deliver high quality trauma training

An understanding of key principles to bear in mind in developing and commissioning trauma training

Summary of NTTP Learning Resources

Click on the image below for a summary of all our NTTP learning resources, developed by NHS Education for Scotland (NES).

Workforce Wellbeing

Our workforce, paid or unpaid, are members of the general population too and not immune to the impacts of trauma, whether in their personal lives or through the course of their work. Ensuring that organisations take a proactive approach to protecting staff well-being, and staff themselves have capacity and resources to keep their own reserves topped up, is central to trauma-informed practice.

The impact of trauma on our window of tolerance - Jennie Young

Jennie Young, previously Principal Educator at NHS Education for Scotland and Nurse Psychotherapist talks about the ways that the experience of psychological trauma can affect our emotional "window of tolerance", and what we can do to create environments that support a person to stay in their optimal "green zone"

Video length: 18.30 minutes

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Knowledge and Skills - National Trauma Transformation Programme

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Care experienced people's expectations of family time

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Care experienced people's expectations of family time

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Who Cares? Scotland consulted with care experienced young people about their sibling rights. They felt that family time with siblings should be guided by the following principles:

in-person

fun

choice

normality

privacy

having enough time

Above all it's important that children's needs and wishes are at the centre of planning and having family time.

Think about the meet ups and information exchanges that take place between the children you are parenting and any brothers or sisters living elsewhere.

Can anything be changed about where, when and how these meet ups and information exchanges take place to make them more family-like?

Is there a possibility that the adult support available for these meetings and information exchanges could undermine a sense of belonging? How can this change so that belonging is reinforced without a sense of safety being compromised?

Does any of the language used to describe these meetings, information exchanges and support need to change to make them more family-like? For example, it might change how the adults think and behave if we change the term 'supervised contact' to 'support to stay connected' or 'facilitated play'.

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Working on the relationships between adults

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Working on the relationships between adults

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Research has suggested that one of the key predictors of 'contact' going well is the quality of the relationship between the adults supporting children to stay connected. Adult conflict or reticence when preparing for or during family time can give off signals such as "your relationship with your brothers and sisters is not important" or "this is not a safe place to be". This will then negatively affect the ability of children to enjoy their time with brothers and sisters and stay in touch. You may also need to think about the language used and explanations given to children where there are sensitivities. None of this is easy and it is reasonable to expect that support will be available for the adults as well as the children.

Joe, adoptive dad explained:

Our two kids' brother and sisters live miles apart but we were determined that we'd do our best to help them stay in touch. Luckily the siblings' two sets of foster carers felt the same. After some discussion we decided that a caravan holiday in a central venue would be a good way to bring the children together. We've been doing this every summer for three years now and everyone, including the adults, gets so much out of this.

Take a few moments to think about the ways that your child(red) stay in touch with their brothers and sisters or the plans for them to do this in the future.

What do you think is working well or is well thought out?

What concerns, if any, do you have?

How does this make you feel?

What support or adjustments could be put in place to reduce your concerns and help you and the siblings feel fully supported?

How can you be supported to share and discuss this with the other adults parenting your child(ren)'s brothers and sisters?

Have you thought about:

adults such as foster carers, adopters or kinships carers who have never met taking time to establish a trusting relationship before organising a meet up between children. This might be done by phone or in person;

adults meeting before a meet up of siblings so they can talk about their own expectations, fears, needs. This sort of preparation may need to be supported by a neutral trusted friend or relative or a professional where relationships between adults are strained;

adults connecting through WhatsApp to co-ordinate practical arrangements;

ensuring your meeting venue feels safe for everyone and is neutral ground for the adults and children;

making time for the adults to chat after a meet up to talk about what went well and plans for next time.

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Our relationships with brothers and sisters are often our longest lasting relationships throughout our lifetime. They can be a source of emotional and practical support, companionship and belonging throughout our childhood and into adulthood. They are a precious resource. They can also bring a sense of duty and responsibility and can require some work on our part to keep them going and keep them strong. These relationships can take on particular significance when children face adversity and come into contact with the care system.

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1. Let's get started

2. Why focus on brothers and sisters?

3. Who counts as a brother and sister?

4. What it means to be a sibling

5. Diversity in sibling experiences

6. Making sense of current, past and future sibling relationships

7. Enabling sibling relationships to flourish

8. Siblings, families and belonging

9. Helpful resources

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Throughout we use the terms 'brothers and sisters' and 'siblings' interchangeably. We acknowledge that some children and young people have expressed a preference for the term 'brothers and sisters' as 'siblings' is felt to be a professional term. At the same time, some children and young people prefer the term 'sibling' as it is gender neutral. Whichever term we use, it is intended to be respectful and inclusive of all forms of these relationships.

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Some of the material covered in these padlets may raise difficult emotions or memories for you. Please remember to look after yourself and seek help if you need to.

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Siblings Reunited (STAR) is a high quality service based in Fife that reunites Brothers and Sisters separated in the care system, through adoption or kinship care by providing the opportunity for child-focused and regular sibling 'contact'. Run from a unique farmland setting it provides a safe, fun and exhilarating learning environment where children can foster emotional bonds and help overcome the trauma associated with being separated from their siblings in a natural, calming and fun environment.

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When it's not possible to stay in touch directly

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When it's not possible to stay in touch directly

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There may be some circumstances where it is not in a child's best interests to be in touch directly or to meet up with a brother or sister. It is important that such an important decision is made on a case-by-case or relationship-by-relationship basis and not a blanket rule applied to all sibling. Children also sometimes choose to not see a sibling. While such a choice should be respected, remember to keep the conversation going as a child's view may change.

Research has shown that even when children can't or won't meet up with a brother or sister or stay in touch, their sibling can be thought about a lot and children can have lots of questions swimming around in their head.

In these circumstances it can be helpful for a third party such as a social worker to co-ordinate safe communications between brothers and sisters. It can also be helpful for the adults to be in touch either regularly or occasionally to be able to swap information, answer children's questions or fill in biographical gaps. Where there are safety issues or there is conflict between the adults then this may need to be facilitated by an independent person or agency.

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Questions to consider about Rory’s relationships

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Questions to consider about Rory’s relationships

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Some questions that might be helpful to consider in order to understand Rory’s experience of being a sibling.

What types of ‘sibling’ relationships has Rory had over the years (perhaps try drawing his sibling network)?

Can we say anything about how important these have been to him at different points in his life? How might age of siblings and different types of 'contact' influence this?

What might be the impact on Rory's relationships with brothers and sisters of the different ways that he was parented while living with his birth family, foster family and adoptive family?

How might the loss of sibling relationships have affected Rory?

If Rory was adopted now, rather than 16 or more years ago, would any different decisions have been made about staying in touch with siblings?

Are there particular strengths and triggers for conflict between Rory and his sister?

What might the future of Rory’s relationship with brothers and sisters be and how can this be helped to be positive?

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Rory is now a young adult and lives in a flat with his girlfriend. He sees his sister and adoptive parents three or four times a week. His sister video calls him several times a day, sometimes to moan about life in general and sometimes to rage about something that has happened that day. Rory loves his sister but sometimes ignores her calls.

This year the adoption agency withdrew from facilitating letterbox contact as both Lois and Rory are now 18+.

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As the children reach adolescence, life starts to become more of a struggle for Rory and his sister and arguments increase. Lois finds it hard to hold on to friends and when Rory invites a friend home he becomes annoyed when Lois wants to join in their fun. Rory struggles with school work and prefers to spend time alone in his bedroom gaming. Sometimes physical fights break out between Lois and Rory when Lois interrupts Rory's game. Both young people find it difficult to sleep.

Rory and Lois' adoptive parents have continued to send a letter to the three older siblings each year but have never received any news back.

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Rory and Lois are matched with prospective adopters and move to live permanently with them when Rory is aged 4 and Lois is 2. A letterbox arrangement is put in place between the adoptive and birth families. The children settle well and make good progress. They enjoy playing together and their personalities emerge. Rory is very eager to please and tolerant of his little sister. Lois is more anxious and tends to be the boss in the relationship between brother and sister. They both enjoy outdoor and physical activities together.

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Due to concerns about Rory and Tom's saftey they are removed from the family home and placed in separate foster care placements when Rory is 2. Rory's foster carers have two biological children, Sean and Paul, who are four and six years older than Rory. Rory loves to play with the older boys and they enjoy being with him. Rory feels safe and makes good progress catching up with some of his developmental delay.

At the point when Rory is taken into foster care his birth mother is heavily pregnant with her fifth child, Lois. Lois is removed from the care of her mother at birth and moves to a different foster family from Rory and Tom where she lives with two other babies. Arrangements are made for Lois and Rory to have a play date once per week and the plan becomes for Rory and Lois to be adopted together and for letterbox contact with Tom and their older sisters.

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Staying connected to brothers and sisters

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Staying connected to brothers and sisters

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It can require special effort to establish and maintain a relationship between brothers and sisters when they don't live together. Siblings living apart miss out on all of those natural day-to-day activities that create a sense of family such as sharing toys, negotiating bedtimes with mum and dad and arguing over who uses the bathroom first. While these things can be a source of stress in families, they also bring a sense of intimacy and belonging. Where brothers and sisters live in different households, we may need to find other ways to create this sense of family belonging through our words and actions.

Traditionally connections have been maintained between care experienced brothers and sisters through direct and indirect 'contact' arrangements. Care experienced children and adults have raised concerns that some professional practices used in the past such as meetings at contact centres and information exchanges/letterbox contact have not always felt very family-like. They have advocated a change of language from 'contact' to 'staying in touch' and are seeking something that feels and looks more like ordinary 'family time'.

Dot, Kinship Carer said:

About once a month we have a sleepover where Jess's sisters come and stay. While it's exhausting for everyone, especially me, it is so nice to see the girls sharing family routines together like supper in front of the tv and bedtime stories.

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Because sibling networks of care experienced children can be large and complex, it can be helpful to draw a map of who lives where. This can be added to and adapted as families grow and change.

This map shows Jack's sibling network. A map like this doesn't necessarily tell you anything about the quality or importance of the relationships between brothers and sisters but is a good starting point to get an overview of this network. It's important to also listen to children's thoughts and feelings about these relationships now and their hopes for the future, moving at the child's pace.

Jack, who is being brought up by his aunt explained his sibling relationships like this:

I have three brothers and a sister. One brother lives with me, two live in foster care and my youngest sister has been adopted. It's hard staying in touch with everyone when we don't live together but I really enjoy playing with my brothers when we meet up. I don't really feel I know my little sister as I just get a letter from her adopters once a year. I'd like to get to know her better but worry she won't remember me.

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Experiences of loss as a care experienced child

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Experiences of loss as a care experienced child

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Sadly, loss can be a huge aspect of children's experiences when they enter the care system, particularly loss of important relationships. The Promise has stressed that changes to practice must be made to avoid this wherever it is in a child's best interests.

We usually think of feelings of loss being associated with things we had and no longer have. For care experienced children though it can be much more than this. For example, a deep sense of loss may be felt by a child who was expecting a baby brother or sister to join the family but for safety reasons this new baby was discharged from hospital to a foster family. This was a relationship that never really had a chance to get started but the loss of the baby in the child's life and the loss of the role of being a big sister or brother to the baby can be devastating.

Alice, an adopted young person shared her experience:

No-one told me when my birth mum had another baby. I didn't find out I had a brother until he was 6. I found it very hurtful that such an important thing was kept from me. I worried about how he was doing and whether I'd ever get to meet him.

Those of us parenting care experienced children may have experienced significant losses ourselves. This might include bereavement of a loved one, loss of relationships within the family, loss of our social circle due to our new caring responsibilities, loss of aspirations in our professional life or in retirement and loss of a previous role (e.g. when a grandmother has to take on being mum). These experiences may help us feel very attuned to the impact of loss on the children we parent.

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This series of Padlets was developed by Adoption UK Scotland with the support of AFKA Scotland and through funding from The Promise Partnership. We are grateful to all families and professionals who contributed to the development of the resource.

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Protecting relationships when a child needs to leave the family home

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Protecting relationships when a child needs to leave the family home

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It goes without saying that everything possible should be done to avoid a child having to leave the family home if family life becomes challenging. Sadly this is sometimes necessary for everyone's safety or because of the very particular needs of your child or young person. Sometimes an adopted child may, for example, re-enter foster care or move to a residential school. Too often care experienced children's relationships shrink rather than expand in tough times and this should be avoided wherever possible. Adoptive parent advocates have begun using the term 'parenting at a distance' to emphasise their continued commitment to their child even when they need to move from the family home. They reject the term 'placement disruption' as they remain fully committed to maintaining a relationship with their child and continuing to provide love and care and to advocate for their child. It should never be assumed that a child's move means the end of the parent/child relationship. It is also important that everything possible is done to ensure that relationships between brothers and sisters are actively supported and maintained where safe to do so. This is not easy for all those involved -children, parents, siblings, new foster carers etc. - and may require professional support or therapeutic input.

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If you are a big brother or sister caring for a sibling through a kinship care arrangement you may find that you have to take on two roles, that of a sibling and a parent. Even where this is absolutely the right arrangement for your family and what you and your sibling wish to happen, it can still feel challenging or uncomfortable at times.

Sometimes your instincts as a brother or sister may not quite fit with your expectations of how a parent might think or act. It may help to have a sounding board to talk through decisions that have to be made. Support services such as Kinship Care Advice Service for Scotland and the Family Rights Group can offer information and support to you.

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Rory was born into a household with two parents and a maternal half brother Tom. Tom is three years older than Rory and is Deaf. Two older half sisters of Rory's live elsewhere with their father and occasionally visit. Rory's dad is easily angered by Tom and is physically and verbally aggressive towards him. He is more patient with Rory. Rory learns to stay quiet and make few demands in order to please his parents.

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If you are new to Padlet, you can simply start by reading the information in each column starting on the left and scrolling down the column to see each post. You can then move on to column two etc.

If you want to look at the posts in a larger view click on the play symbol (triangle on its side) and the posts will be turned into a set of slides that you can scroll through. This symbol is on the right hand side of the webpage or in the menu at the bottom of the page if using the Padlet app on a mobile device.

If you prefer to read a paper copy of the information you can print by going to the 'share' menu on the far righthand side (the curly arrow) and selecting "Export as PDF". The pdf document can then be saved and printed.

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The Looked After Children (Scotland) Amendment Regulations 2021 defines a “sibling of the child” as:

(a) a person who has at least one parent in common with the child, and

(b) any other person with whom the child has lived or is living, and with whom the child has an ongoing relationship with the character of a relationship between siblings.

The definition is inclusive of a whole range of sibling relationships or sibling-like relationships including those where children share two biological parents, share one biological parent, share a foster, kinship or adoptive parent, or have lived together in the same household for some time, for example, in a kinship care arrangement or a Children's House.

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Scotland's Care Review listened closely to what children and adults with care experience had to say about the importance of their brothers and sisters. They described their deep sense of loss when separated from siblings and frustration when unable to see, hear from or get information about them.

Protection and promotion of sibling relationships is at the heart of The Promise made by Scotland in 2020. This means ensuring children grow up with siblings where this is in their best interests and supporting brothers and sisters to develop and maintain positive relationships and stay in touch where they wish to do so.

There is strong research evidence that positive relationships between brothers and sisters can improve wellbeing in childhood and adulthood especially when facing adversity. This requires effort and commitment from everyone involved in Keeping the Promise including families, professionals and decision-makers.

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What is covered in the 'Parenting care experienced brothers and sisters' series of resources?

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What is covered in the 'Parenting care experienced brothers and sisters' series of resources?

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The 'Parenting care experienced brothers and sisters' resources are organised into two parts. This is part one and in this padlet we look at the importance of sibling relationships for care experienced children and adults and the different types of sibling relationships and living arrangements that you may come across. We also think about ways that we can promote positive relationships between brothers and sisters whether they live together or apart.

Part two focuses on siblings who are displaying distress or reduced wellbeing and the particular needs and considerations where this is the case.

You can dip in and out of the two padlets or read them in order if you prefer. Some sections may feel more relevant at certain points in your parenting journey or at different stages of family life.

The examples used in the padlets are based on real families' experiences but details and names have been changed to protect confidentiality.

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Children who have experienced adversity are often very sensitive to injustice. This may be noticeable in sibling interactions.

Often in families we associate fairness with sameness. This can be true in some instances but not others. You may have come across this meme that explains why getting the same adaptation or support doesn't always help every child. Sometimes one brother or sister might need something different or additional to achieve the same outcome as their siblings. This can be a hard concept for children to understand and you might have to take time to explain differences in your parenting decisions so that everyone feels fairly treated.

If one child gets help with their homework it's only fair that the other child gets this too right?. Well sometimes fairness is less about getting the same thing and instead more about getting the same outcome. So if one child struggles with concentration and the other doesn't the first child might need to limit homework to three ten minute blocks spread over the evening whereas the other may do best when homework is encouraged straight after school. Fairness of outcome is more important than sameness of support.

The last image in the meme reminds us that some barriers our children come up against are put there by society and removing these should be our first focus so that the world is easier to navigate for all our children and their siblings. Often we find ourselves as parents of care experienced children in the role of advocate challenging societal unfairness.

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'Communicative openness' is a term developed by American psychologist David Brodzinsky. His research has shown that children do much better when adoptive parents and foster and kinship carers talk openly to children about their history and family relationships and help them make sense of these. Obviously this does not mean sharing everything at once but instead needs to be done in an age or stage-appropriate way and at the right pace for the child.

In order to achieve this, adults (and where appropriate children) need to have access to information held in records and ongoing updates from birth relatives. Too often care experienced children and those parenting them have uncomfortable gaps in knowledge about themselves and those they are connected to.

One of the challenges when parenting siblings is that one child may have questions about their family history and circumstances while a brother or sister may not be ready to process this information. It may also be the case that one child has a better understanding of privacy than his or her brother or sister who may be likely to share private family information with those outside the family. A careful balance needs to be struck between meeting the identity needs of children while protecting their confidentiality. There are no easy answers to striking the right balance.

Life Story Work, or in some cases Therapeutic Life Story Work, can be a helpful tool to support communicative openness between parents and brothers and sisters. It can be facilitated by a professional with experience of balancing the need to know with the need for confidentiality. The professional should also have an understanding of the internal turmoil that life story work can create for children and the need to support them through this journey.

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One helpful way to build sibling connections is through shared activities, though these need to be carefully chosen and supported. Sometimes it feels right getting the whole sibling group together at once and other times the activity makes sense for two or three brothers or sisters but not for a very large sibling group.

Picking the right activity and right environment for the combination of children and circumstances can be quite a challenge but when we get it right we can feel relationships deepen and brothers and sisters get into a flow. Some children thrive on getting out in nature while others like cooking or art.

When there's a kinship care arrangement meet-ups are often in the family home. This can have advantages in terms of convenience but may raise issues around boundaries and feelings that should be considered.

There's also an art to knowing when to call it a day and move on from an activity or a visit before everyone gets too exhausted, hungry or grumpy.

Frank, Kinship Carer said:

We've worked out that the grandkids can only manage a game of rounders for about 40 minutes then the younger one starts to get restless and everyone loses concentration. It helps to have a plan. We'll say "a quick game then Gran's got a snack for us all in half an hour". They sometimes talk about losing their mum which can be upsetting for my wife. The grandkids know our bedroom is out of bounds so if she needs a minute to compose herself she can do this in private.

Sometimes doing things together can feel too intense and instead just hanging out together is enough and can be as important to a relationship. Just hanging out in the same space or around the same tv without any pressure to talk or interact can be just what everyone needs. Again this might need adult support. It might look like doing nothing but there can be a lot for parents to do to maintain calm.

Jenny, Foster Carer explained:

My foster child's siblings live close by with another foster carer. Once a week after school we take turns to take the children to the park. They don't always play together but really enjoy being there together. The little one will shout from the climbing frame to his brother "...look, I'm at the top..." and he'll give him a wave.

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Experience of the care system can leave children feeling invisible and unheard. They may come to believe that their views aren't important and they aren't worthy of love. They may find it hard to make sense of their thoughts and emotions. It is important not to ignore or dismiss feelings as this can make children feel rejected and alienated from the family.

When faced with a child or young person's feelings of distress our inclination is often to offer solutions. These may be helpful further down the line but our first step should always be to validate their experience. Validation can come in different forms:

just sitting with a young person in distress and displaying empathy through your body language can be very validating;

reflecting feelings back to the young person can feel validating "I can see you're upset about ....".

You can do this even if you disagree with the reason your child or young person is upset. You are validating the feelings not necessarily agreeing with the reason for them.

Sometimes, big feelings can come with big behaviours. It is common for adults to ask questions of children about their behaviour – “why did you hit your brother?” – however this can be unhelpful as often they might not know why they did something or they might experience shame about what they have done. Instead, we can offer empathic commentary – statements such as  “I know it makes you angry when your brother takes your things” show you understand.

It can be helpful if parents put difficult feelings into words for children. This can help children learn to recognise and name feelings and also demonstrates their parents' ability to understand their distress. Instead of saying to a grumpy child when they arrive home from school "you are in a bad mood today!" you might say instead "I noticed you didn't eat your packed lunch today. I guess you must be starving. Shall we get a snack before tea and you can tell me about your day? "

It may help to have some key phrases that you can try out when you notice your child is struggling.

That must be hard.

It makes sense that you feel upset.

I would feel bad in that situation, too.

Some of these difficult feelings may have an impact on sibling relationships. For example, where a child's attachment style is anxiety-based they may struggle when you give attention to their brother or sister. In calmer moments empathic commentary can help adults and children to develop their curiosity about feelings and find solutions together. You might say “I was thinking about when you were arguing with your brother earlier. I wonder if you feel as though there is not enough attention to go around. I wonder if it used to feel that way where you were before you came to live here. I think I have to do a better job of letting you know I have enough love and attention for both of you”.

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What can parents do to support siblings' sense of belonging

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What can parents do to support siblings' sense of belonging

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As parents, we can have an important impact on the quality of relationships that develop and grow between brothers and sisters and children's feelings of security around their family identity and belonging. Some areas to reflect on include:

Communicative openness

Validation and empathic commentary

Family fairness

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Scotland's Statutory Guidance 'Staying Together and Connected'

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Scotland's Statutory Guidance 'Staying Together and Connected'

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The Scottish Government has produced guidance for agencies responsible for supporting brothers and sisters who are looked after or care experienced. This sets out good practice and can be useful to parents seeking support from agencies.

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Challenges faced by care experienced brothers and sisters when trying to maintain or develop a relationship

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Challenges faced by care experienced brothers and sisters when trying to maintain or develop a relationship

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Care experienced brothers and sisters may face a number of special challenges when trying to maintain or develop sibling bonds.

Care experienced children often have larger than average numbers of brothers and sisters.

The needs of siblings may be diverse in terms of age range, early experiences, presence of disability or neurodiversity.

Relationships between the parents of brothers and sisters may be strained or they may be separated or divorced.

Siblings may live in different households or even different parts of the country.

Children may have had to move a lot and experienced separation from siblings or developed new sibling or sibling-like relationships through these moves.

Brothers and sisters may be being parented in different ways, for example, by birth parents, kinship carers, foster carers or adoptive parents.

These can all have an impact when trying to help brothers and sisters make sense of sibling relationships, stay in touch and when trying to meet everyone's needs.

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Being a care experienced brother or sister

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Being a care experienced brother or sister

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Being care-experienced and a brother or sister can bring  positive benefits as well as some complicated feelings. Your children’s relationships with brothers and sisters may have been the only stable, loving relationship that they experienced in their early years. Older siblings may feel deeply protective of younger brothers or sisters. Younger siblings may look up to older brothers or sisters. They may provide a deep sense of comfort to each other.

Many brothers and sisters who are care experienced belong to  larger than average sibling groups creating opportunities for supportive relationships but also some challenges. Your children may have sisters and brothers living in different households making it difficult to stay in touch and may have very different economic circumstances. Younger brothers or sisters may have been born after your child came to live with you and they may not have had the chance to get to know each other.

Sometimes harmful family dynamics that were present earlier in a child's life such as one child being favoured and another being harshly treated by a parent or carer can have a lasting effect on sibling relationships in a new family.

There's a lot to deal with when you're a care experienced brother or sister.

Now think about your own children's relationships with their brothers or sisters. Are they similar or different to your experience? What has influenced this? Who has made the decisions about how these relationships are conducted? How might that affect how you support your children's sibling relationships?

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How would you describe the relationship between these famous brothers and sisters? What are some of the commonly held beliefs around siblinghood?

Hansel and Gretel (Brothers Grimm fairytale)

Anna and Elsa (Frozen)

Bart and Lisa (The Simpsons)

Ross and Monica Geller (Friends)

Dr. Chris and Dr. Xand van Tulleken (tv doctors)

Ron and Ginny Weasley (Harry Potter)

Thor and Loki (Marvel films)

Luke and Leia (Star Wars)

The Waltons (tv series)

Or think of one of your own favourites ...

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Daily realities of our sibling relationships

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Daily realities of our sibling relationships

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Think about your own sibling relationships while growing up and today. If you don't have brothers or sisters, think about sibling relationships you’ve observed. You don't have to share your experience of being a sibling with anyone but you may find it helpful to reflect on these questions and make a few notes:

What were your relationships like with your brothers and sisters when growing up?

Were you the oldest sibling, the youngest sibling or a middle child? How did that affect your relationships with your brothers and sisters?

What was the best thing about having a brother/sister when growing up?

What was the worst thing about having a brother/sister when growing up?

What memories do you have of doing things with a brother or sister? And do you have any mementos or photographs associated with these memories?

How did your sibling relationships change over time?

How would you describe your relationships now with your brothers and sisters? And why do you say this?

How, if at all, do you stay in touch with your sibling(s)?

When, if at all, do you tend to see your sibling(s) and what do you do when you meet?

How might your experience of being a brother or sister influence your expectations for your children's sibling relationships?

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Deciding who is or is not a sibling is not always straightforward. It is important to ask children who they see as a brother or sister, to have good reliable information about a child's family history and for information to be updated as new siblings are born or discovered. Children's thoughts and feelings about sibling relationships may also change over time.

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This resource has been produced to support adults who are parenting care experienced brothers and sisters.  When we refer to a ‘parent’ we mean anyone in a parenting role with a care experienced child or young person of any age. This includes adoptive parents, long term foster carers and kinship carers. The resource may also be of interest to biological parents and professionals though they are not our primary audience.

As a parent, you have a crucial role to play in promoting positive and safe relationships between brothers and sisters. This resource aims to provide you with information and tools to help relationships to flourish between siblings and other family members. We focus both on situations where siblings live together and where some or all siblings live apart.

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Being a brother or sister can bring up lots of different emotions. When a sibling is disabled these can include positive emotions like love or pride but also some difficult emotions such as embarrassment or irritation. The non-disabled sibling may feel a strong duty to be there for their disabled brother or sister and this may be experienced as a source of resilience or burden. In this episode of the FASD Success Show Jeff Noble speaks to Amy Patterson about her experience of growing up with her brother who is living with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD).

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#035 Amy Patterson: Solutions for Siblings

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In today’s podcast episode, we meet Amy Patterson to talk about what it was like growing up with a brother with FASD and she offers some solutions and strategies.

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Parentification is a term used by professionals to describe when a child takes on the practical and/or emotional parenting of brothers or sisters, usually because the parent is absent, neglectful or overwhelmed by their own needs and unable to nurture their children. Even very young children may become skilled at making feeds and changing nappies in the middle of the night for a baby brother or sister when parents are not meeting these needs.

It's important to say that care between brothers and sisters is an important aspect of family life and to be encouraged. This usually means older siblings providing care for younger brothers and sisters but can include younger ones helping out their big brother or sister from time to time.

Parentification becomes a concern when the care given by the big brother or sister is replacing rather than contributing to the care given by a parent and where the emotional toll on the child-caregiver is high.

Parentification of a sibling can feel like a strange and unexpected situation for a new adoptive parent, foster carer or kinship carer to deal with. It can create uncomfortable feelings both in terms of your compassion for the children and what they have experienced and also it can feel that your own parenting role is being undermined or challenged when a sibling insists on being involved in  parenting. It may take considerable time for children to feel safe enough to relinquish these responsibilities to you and may require professional advice and input to work through this process.

Jane, Foster Carer said:

When the wee ones came to stay with me, the older girl used to get up in the middle of the night to change her baby sister's nappy. She was only 5 years old! I was careful not to send her back to bed as this upset her. Instead, she would help me change the nappy. I would ask her to show me how. Gradually, she felt comfortable to let me do it under her supervision. It took a few weeks but eventually she stopped getting up when the baby cried and trusted me to change the nappy without her.

Sometimes a decision is made that an older sibling can only break free from parenting responsibilities that are stifling their own development by growing up in a different family setting from their siblings. Where such a decision is made, thought should be given to the support needed with the transition between families and the conditions necessary to make staying in touch and meet ups between the children positive and rewarding.

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Rory’s timeline of sibling relationships

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Rory’s timeline of sibling relationships

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Here we introduce you to Rory and his brothers and sisters. We tell you a little about Rory at different stages of his life and have some questions for you to consider. This is an opportunity to think about the significance of sibling relationships and how this develops over time.