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I want to understand you. I want to figure it all out in order to help. I do not know what you are feeling and I do not know why you are all acting this way, but I want to help. What is wrong and why is it wrong? Tell me about yourself, tell me why you are always tired, tell me why you are always mad or sad. Tell me why you are always absent. Tell my why you are always fighting. Tell my why you always put up a fight. I do not know all of the answers, I do not hold any of the keys, but there are ways that you can help me help you. I want to know.
I believe in love and respect and I love and respect what I do. I know we are different in so many ways but we are also all in this together and I am here to help and guide you. I am here after school working the after school program from 2:30 to 5:30 grading essays, editing essays, trying to help students but why does nobody come? I put my best foot forward everyday and yes it is October and yes I do feel burnt out but I am not giving up on you.
I am not breaking down just because you are broken or breaking down. I am broken myself. I know life sucks. Life sucks so bad that your brother dies in a car accident and life sucks so bad that your mother is going through cancer. How bad does life suck for you? I am teaching you to handle the blows when it all sucks. To stand tall when the odds are stacked against you. We are here everyday or when we can be. You'll be out of "this place that feels like a prison" sooner than you know and then life will really suck. Maybe I can help you with that part before you head on out....

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Friday. Friday. Thank god it's Friday. I shake my head. Fuck, I never thought I'd be that person. I never was that person. Now every Tuesday I wake up and hope it's Friday. But this time, it was actually Friday. Today I get to sleep in-- not the usual 5AM wake up for practice at 6:15. Nope, I get to sleep in all the way to 5:30. My phone is on my desk, where I can't reach up and snooze. It usually rings for a solid two minutes before I actually muster up the energy to get out of bed and hit that damn button.

These mornings are slower than my usual ones. I value my time. I can take slower steps, and I'm not in a rush. I promise to get out of the house by 6:45, but I usually leave closer to 7. Either way, I'm in the building early-- but somehow 7:15 still feels late. I wanted to do things this morning. Plan ahead maybe. But 7:45 comes sooner than I thought and my JV volleyball team has a pre-game meeting. We have a big game today-- our biggest opponent. At least, on the varsity level. In the last three years, we've beat their JV. We had a title to uphold. The girls trickle in. I can tell they're nervous. They don't know it, but I'm nervous too. Nervous as hell.
"They're just Metro. They're not Olympic athletes. They get selected into the school the same way you do-- it's about the work you put in and how much you're willing to do. Don't put them on a pedestal-- they're not volleyball gods." Yeah, that's it. That'll calm them down.

The day goes by. My prep and lunch get mixed in with the rest of my responsibilities. I told myself I would leave at 3 today. The day ends at 2:20, and I need to give my dog some attention before I head out to the away game. But I've been slacking on making phone calls to parents. My co-teacher has been carrying the brunt of that. Natalia, get your shit together. You need to do this. So I call. And leave at 4PM. I told the girls to be there at 4:30. I didn't go home, and needed to run an errand for my mom before I got there.

I arrive at the game. The girls cheer when they see me, and a smile forms at the corners of my lips. They might be trying to be funny-- but they have no idea how much it pushes me. Maybe, with all the mess and confusion, I'm doing something right somewhere.

I'm trying to get all of my papers together for the game. Out of nowhere pops my Athletic Director, who has been coaching me on coaching volleyball since he coached at the college level for years. He's been my rock and mentor throughout this process. We scope out the other team as we warm up. What the fuck? They look like varsity! What the FUCK are they feeding them?? Where did they find these girls?? There is NO WAY they did all of this during this single season. I can't let the girls see my shock. One pass, one serve, I tell them. I'm just glad the AD showed up. He focuses on the girls at the bench, I focus on the girls on the court.
BAM. Serve. Missed pass. BAM. Serve. Another miss. And so on, even from my best players. Eventually I had to sub one of them out, and as I called her name and signaled the ref, I saw tears swell and her face turn red. I meant her no harm, but here we are. I give her a few motivating words, and she goes to the AD, or my assistant coach at this point. The set flies by-- an embarrassing 25-8. I tell the team to shake it off and there's another set-- but am I talking to them or myself?
Next set. We get better passes, more of our serves go over. What the girls don't realize is that the coach from the other team is putting in her bench. I'm glad they don't notice. My libero gets a ball to the throat. She looks at me for guidance, her hands around her neck. I lowkey start to panic, but my assistant coach handles it. I don't know what he said, but she calmed down. The game ends 25-19. I hype them up, telling them they really gave it all they had during that last set-- which they always do. The girls tell me to ask the coach for a scrimmage. I admire their willingness to learn and how they didn't let defeat get them down-- I love how they rise to the challenge and want to try again, to beat the best. But I also just want to know what kind of crack the other coach is feeding her athletes. Steroids?? I go to shake her hand and ask to schedule a scrimmage.
I turn around to see yet another player crying-- this one wasn't on the court at all. I take a deep breath. Fuck. I wanna cry too. Give me a break people.
With a gentle smile, I go up to her and ask her what's up. I tell her friend that I'll take it from here. This girl tries. She really does. Am I a bad coach? How can I be fair to everyone when I know that some people are just stronger players than others? She's a good player, but she's not consistent. I want her to be more consistent. She tells me that she's been holding this in for a while. That she didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to be a cry baby. I tell her it's okay to cry. She tells me she's thinking about quitting. I tell her I'm not quitting on her and that she can't quit on me. That at the end of the day she has to be the one who is willing to pick herself up. I ask her if she sees herself having a senior night like the varsity girls. She says yes. I tell her that she can't quit if she wants that-- and that it takes hard work and even tears to get there. I'm not trying to raise a team of girls who thinks crying will get them on the court. But, boy, do I feel bad. I was the same way. I see myself in each and every single one of them-- but to them I'm coach Jurek, who is apparently intimidating and super strong-- mentally and physically. Little do they know, my heart reaches for them more than they will ever know.

Most of the team leaves, except for about three. I am waiting for their parents along with them. The last girl's parents are 20 minutes away when the second-to-last girl leaves. She was a talkative one, so at least the conversation flowed naturally. This one is one of the more quiet girls. Deep breath, Natalia. She's a freshman. Ask her about how school is going. What classes she likes. What her middle school was like. What she wants to be when she gets older.

I'm on my way home. I don't play any music on my drives anymore. I just want to sit in silence. I FaceTime my boyfriend once I get home. He asks me how I'm doing. It's Friday. It's Friday close to 8PM. Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday. Friday. Three times this week I spent close to 12 hours with students or in the building. It's Friday. It's Friday close to 8PM. And I can't stop thinking about school. How can I be better? How can I do more? Am I doing enough?
Tears well up in my eyes. He asks if I'm crying. Maybe, I say. And then I break. How am I putting in 16 hour work days and still feel like I'm not getting enough done? Are these truly my emotions, or are these the emotions of my players post-game? I don't know if these are my emotions or if I've absorbed all my students' anxieties after a whole week, especially today, or if these are my insecurities finally finding a boatride down the stream of tears. Am I feeling not good enough, or is that from the player I subbed out? Do I feel like I'm choking and without a voice, or is that the pain of my player? Do I feel unappreciated, or is that my player? I try to listen to what I am telling them. I try to practice what I preach. But boy, it is harder said than done.

I'll start this weekend. I'll get my shit together. My Saturday and Sunday are planned out. But by 1PM on Saturday, I already feel like giving myself that morning to rest is too much and I've fallen behind schedule. Fuck.

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this morning i woke up like five times before actually getting up. i kept falling asleep  in between snoozes…. well. guess i’m not curling my hair. i reallyyyyy thought today might be the day but it’s just not my destiny…

so anyway. finally it’s the last possible second that i could get up and i get up. i’m pushing the limits here pretty much every day. i actually feel like i could sink into the ground and be swallowed up by the earth when i attempt to stand.

eventually i make it to school, uncurled hair and all. i’m in my room for all of 3 minutes when a student comes to knock on my door. she’s dropping off sour apple candy for me because she remembers i said i liked them. even though i’d rather be in bed, or in my classroom with no students getting ready for my day, how can i be mad at that? i hope to never forget that my students are people too like some of the more jaded teachers seem to do…..

i love to gab with the other teachers in the english office first period. the other teachers that have first period preps are women who are about 20 years older than me and have children of their own and a lot to say about everything. i truly cherish these 41 minutes, even if most of the time i just smile and chuckle along politely, not sure how to react but just happy to be there.

i cherish those 41 minutes because from there my day is usually nonstop.

teach

lunch duty

why is that kid sharpening his pencil for the sixth time in one period?

why does that kid have a completely blank piece of paper in front of him after thirty minutes?

shouldn’t i have noticed that early?

i flopped today

wait i’m so excited for rehearsal today!

wait i forgot to highlight that script for rehearsal today…

i just got such a good idea for something for january

omg you barely even know what you’re doing TOMORROW!! stop thinking about january!

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As I walk into class 702 I imitate the gestures of a model walking the catwalk. My students hype me up using phrases such as “period, it's giving.” They refer to me as the “drippiest teacher in the building” From the lens of a teacher, my image and age  helps students relate to me more and in a sense trust me more than others. Trust earns respect and a stronger relationship with students. Because of this, my classroom environment is calmer than others. Today we got the calendar for the month. We have a spirit day on the week of Thanksgiving. ThereLs a twin day. One of my students screams “Ms.Herndon! Lets match” we choreographed and entire outfit. During recess, I went outside and one of my students braided my hair, which is still my current hairstyle.

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How'd my day go? As a teacher? Well, confusing. I'm still trying to wrap my around what I've entered into and it's been two months now. At this point I understand what needs to get done but also understand it's too much to get done. Every day is a new day but the stress of it all is hard to avoid and separate from. I tell myself I'm a bull shit artist or I'm lazy but I'm coming to realize how this selt-hate and torment I put myself through due to this job just isnt worth it. I am a warm body. And this warm body started Unit 2 this week. I coordinated with teachers. I interacted with students and attempted to teach them poems, and Kafka and how to pronounce "Stanza" and I'm still here and breathing and there will be more to do tomorrow. I've worked. I've had jobs. Is this the toughest? Yes. But people do it. People manage. I have not been managing though it feels like. More like hanging on by a thread. Procrastination anxiety, inability to manage time and my lack of routine is seriously affecting me. I have to choose myself. I have to make space for myself. For my life. This is a paycheck and insurance till June. That's it.

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Today is the first day of my 10th graders writing their literary analysis essays. I have been planning and prepping this lesson for weeks but undoubtedly I am going to be met with the infamous English questions: "How do you start?" "I don’t know how to start?" "Where should I start again?" These are the questions that pop up each and every time I start writing with my students. In English class, on paper, in an analysis, argument, narrative, research paper, or even my own freaking graduate thesis, the answer is easy for me to give of course! I can come up with a topic sentence, a hook statement, or a rhetorical question to guide any style of writing and I truly love helping my students create the “recipe” for their own writing style. If only the answers to life could be answered through my learning targets then I would find the world to be a much more certain place. “Where do I start?” is a much different question when asked by my senior who was accepted into his dream school that his family couldn’t afford, when asked by my brother dealing with his new diagnosis, when asked by my mom who has to become his caretaker, or by my 9th grader who is excited for her first advanced course, or by my friend who just told me she is pregnant. Outside of my English classroom I am humbled and perplexed by the question “how do I start” and although I don’t have the answers for every situation and I can recognize how I have found myself asking this question too. I too have felt as lost as my 10th graders trying to start their literary analysis essays this week, the answer is to simply just to start somewhere, somehow and we can work on it together and we can revise and we can edit and we can always go back to improve. It is far easier to share this sentiment as a writing process than a life one, but the truth is- no one really knows wheres to start, you just do it anyway.

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I slept like shit last night. Every time I go to bed late I wonder how I'll change my night owl tendencies. I know I'll shape up when I need to because exhaustion always wins. I very much relate to cranky teenagers in the morning because I still am one.  I would advocate for later start times until I'm blue in the face, but I know it's bigger than my own selfish relationship with sleep.  Parents gotta take their kids to school before work, this system always fixed in a specific way for more reason than one.  But, goddamn, I would love a later start. Maybe, we just need to find a way to break away from the bullshit and actually address the problem.  Everyone is overworked, underpaid, traumatized, working - through, with or against anxiety, but here I am blaming it all on sleep.
Why the fuck did I go to the store and see eggs for $8 a carton? I'm always trying to stay positive because love always wins, but the cold is around the corner. Everything is so fucking expensive. When do people get to say enough is enough? When Elon Musk "says so" on Twitter? It feels so good to write this out because it's mostly out of our control. Until you have moments like mine today at the voting polls that feels like a win. Take the small victories if that's what you got. And you know what? My mom is making chicken cutlets right now that I know are going to SLAP, so take what you can with what you got.

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Rolling dice is a catchphrase I say when a day is to be determined. I have to say a great refresher is getting breakfast and having peace of mind before my day starts. I question if my eyes are seeing things or if my brain is transferring what I have seemed to what’s to come. In a lesson today, I found myself being happy and prolific in regard to feeling that I have attention from students and seem to be engaged with the activity. The activity was a hit or miss but it’s a blessing in disguise. Though I am very quiet, I am also an observer in which I look at students like a hawk and visualize myself in their shoes. As I was teaching, the principal came trembling in and I didn’t jump or startle. Later as I was teaching, I started to slur my words but I recovered like a polar bear. In a small space, I was able to use my spirit to reach the students.

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Several colleagues and even students told me to remember to eat and that I should relax, not be so stressed, etc. It goes without saying that I appreciate their concern, but the ironic thing about all this is that I was not hungry, nor did I feel stressed, so getting comments like this from a number of sources struck me as odd, to say the least. Having people comment on how stressed one looks despite not feeling stressed at all, though considerate no doubt, is often not appreciated. No guys, I do not feel stressed; there's probably something wrong with my face, what can I say lol.

One thing that I learned throughout the years is to balance my relationship between work, family, and personal time. I love my work because I feel like I am making a difference, but I also love my personal time and family time. I say this because, personally, I always take time to myself, and the time that I give to myself allows me to dedicate myself to my work with a fresh mind and calm spirit. The field of education can be stressful, and for many, it is, but I’ve learned to find a balance as well as appreciate what is often ignored by many. My time in education has caused me to develop compassion, understanding, and a positive family-oriented frame of mind. The difficulties that we face in education day in and day out transforms us, as people, into better versions of ourselves. The same cannot be said for other fields, especially those that may subliminally instill values that may not be so agreeable, like finance… yuck.

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It was already a stressful morning. Drama at work is always gonna be something you want no part of, but, despite my best efforts to stay generally pleasant and centered on work, I had no say in the matter. Which is fair. Other people are allowed to feel things, just as much as I am. Neither of us could help their misunderstanding and I shouldn't hold it against them. I hope nothing's being held against me. In any case, it was a nice reminder to always be practicing patience and recognizing that interactions with others are always gonna bring some kind of teachable moment. But still, things were kind of awkward and they sucked and the last thing I need is another thing on my mind. And while that was all bad, it doesn't matter to me anymore because that goddamn post-observation meeting was worse. When did babysitting become part of the job? Why was I directly, explicitly told, by the principal no less, that I should be ready to hold the hands of my students all through to the end of 10th grade? With just a few words she flicked a switch, but instead of removing light from a room, she made my motivation disappear from every single part of me. I was almost done. I was emotionally winded. But we've been doing good work, actually seeing these kids learning and growing bit by bit. It always comes back to helping those kids. Time to actually start calling them young adults, I think.

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My day started off as I wanted to drift into my bed and get lost. I don't think I ever felt this tired. The days are getting colder and I wanted to snooze my alarm another 15 minutes but then I remembered I have an enemy in the parking lot who try’s to park where I usually do right in the front of the gate. I got there at 655 am and I was able to get myself organized very well. I started a new lesson with my beginner English students and they’re working on creative stories and I think I had to repeat that the writing needed to include imagery and conflict and dialogue. I noticed my students working and as the "cool teacher" I knew I had to help them when they were struggling. I had to show them how to write dialogue a few times. This was only first and fourth period. Ughhh I was so hungnru today. Some of my studnets wanted me to change their grades but I felt bad I couldn’t because I had no work from them to work with. My advanced class took characters from their creative stories and they turned them into anti hero’s. I slept through lunch but I wanted to quickly get more work done. I guess I didn't care about my sleep as much today.

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I woke up in the complete darkness and could have stayed in such darkness for another six hours. Waking up has always been a chore, but as of late, it’s something I’ve become actively angry towards. And it has nothing to do with my life and day once I’m up. Rather, it’s the fact that my body is resisting the state of sentience so early in the morning. I never thought I’d never change my understanding of there not being enough hours in the day. But I’ve learn a new dimension of just how quickly time flies and how it is, in fact, possible to be spending every minute of every hour working. How it is to feel guilty for not working when I could be. To be sleeping when I should be awake. And that is why, at 5:40 AM on my friend’s Bushwick couch I passed out on after a Halloween night hanging out, my body is bargaining with me too sleep just a few minutes more. I allow it—5 minutes are followed by an additional 7 minutes, before I decide to round out my time beneath bulky covers to the nice even time of 6:00 AM, knowing my day will be different due to the few minutes I give myself to just rest.

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My 3rd alarm rings, so I know I’m pushing it. No breakfast, just a coffee to go. Oh shit I left my key upstairs, I run back up triying not to wake my daughter because its hard to leave her up without giving her a moment of my attention, but I just don’t have that moment. She continues sleeping looking like a little angel. My husband is getting our boys up, we give each other a quick hug and kiss good bye and say have a good day, because this is what Monday-Friday looks like. Same route different day, except Parking isn’t so bad this morning. I say countless good mornings and go switch my time card. I go to the library because although I would love to go to the English department it is hard to block out the drama and gossip. I sit down ready to complete my lesson planning. I open my email and first email is a meeting request with the principal tomorrow at 10 am. My anxiety is at 100% right now…wtf did do. I  honestly don’t know. I was late 2 days last week that has to be it. I need to talk to adam our Uft rep. I guess I’m. It lesson planing anymore. Before I know it I have 15 minutes left, copies need to be made I need to make sure the l/o aligns with the standards, because they are taking a new approach to lesson planing. I can’t focus on anything but this meeting. I find email adam just in case I don’t see him. I finish up my lesson, go get my copies the bell rings. I see adam, I tell him what’s up. The look on his face says something is up, he says thank you for telling me that a good move, I’ll be there with you and if I hear anything I’ll let you know. I go to my second period class, it’s show time I need to forget everything and give this class all my energy and they are seniors

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Good Evening guys! Today we will be analyzing a story narrated, lived and told by Mrs. Noor to identify why she can not get any shiz done. Before we begin, as we do for every story, let’s get to know the author a bit. Mrs. Noor is a first year teacher at public school but, she has been working since the age of 13. She tutored 10 kids, 5 days a week in her apartment after school. Immediately after graduating high school, she worked at a private school with a 2 year gap in between to complete student teaching and an internship. And this is her first year as a public school teacher. As you listen, note details that stand out in helping you identify the conflict.

Today, I woke up at 4:30 AM to the loud sound of Alexa from my echo, and vibrations from my phone, all reminding me, “You can sleep at 12 today, only if you wake up at 4:30, so that you can complete the rest of your planning.” I stared at my phone for a bit, and went back to sleep, only to wake up to my emergency alarm at 6:00 AM. “Goddd, I guess I’ll have to finish planning at school and bring my grading home.” Just like the day before, and the one before that and the one before that. It seems like each day is a continued struggle from the last.

What is the conflict here? Internal? External?

Today I kept thinking about regret. My classes did not flow as I expected, my prep and lunch seemed to blur in with the rest of my day. I kept wondering if I had made a mistake accepting this job, and if I should have stayed at the school I was originally in. I would not have to spend 18/24 hours planning, grading and working even when I’m away from work. Rather, I would have had my lessons, I would be familiar with my students and I would not be getting sick every other week… I think. I try to tell myself it will get better in the future, but how far into the future must I seek? As I move forward in my day, from grabbing my coffee in the morning to getting home from work, these thoughts fog my mind, intensifying this feeling of regret. Wait, have I eaten lunch yet?

Thoughts? Comments? Reflections?

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Monday got up gassed as hell. Spent Halloweekend sick as a dick, didn’t even get to show off my costume at the party I was gonna go to. Was either too foggy to function, or too swamped to drag my desiccated carcass out of the fucking bed. So I didn’t make my packets until Sunday night, and didn’t sleep until 1:30am. Which meant I got less than 5 hours to start the week. Perfect. Started my classes half-assed. Let my students finish a writing assessment, but I found myself feeling so sluggish and shitty. Hard to shake the feeling that I’m not a massive fraud, incapable of actually teaching students. Feeling like if I saw the way that I taught—if I knew my child had me as a teacher—I would be outraged. Today was much the same. Felt like a lazy fraud for the first half of the day. Deeply unimpressed with the work I was doing, and yet somehow too tired to make any active changes to my life. What’s with the phenomenon of somehow hating your self for putting in the bare minimum amount of effort, and also being so goddamn tired every fucking day. Where is my energy? Where am I allocating it?

Anyway, the work that I spent all Sunday doing feels like shit to me now. Deeply unimpressed with it. Looking at it now feels like looking at the performances of Orson Welles in the 70s; nothing but half-assed phone-in jobs while shit faced out of his mind. Even that might be too generous though; implying that my work is like the work of a lat Orson Welles implies that there was—or is—any greatness inside of me, which I sincerely doubt.

Fire drill during my lunch period today. Don’t get a moment’s reprieve. Sincerely considered trying to turn out my lights, lock my doors, and pretend that no one was home—no one was ever home. I didn’t want to move from my dark, personal corner. What was I even doing? Watching YouTube videos. Avoiding responsibility. Pretending that I had nothing bearing down on me. That’s what I was willing to get into massive trouble for. My dumb little videos in my dumb little corner. How sad am I? I am pathetic and stupid and so, so shitty.

I have so much work to do before I sleep.

Principal came in and observed my 6th period class. They turned on me. They know how much this matters to me, and they fucking turned on me. Wouldn’t stop talking. Wouldn’t stop joking around. Wouldn’t stop cursing each other out. They are embarrassing to me, and I am ashamed to know them. What am I doing wrong? I give them coffee. I give them space. I am acquiescing. I sublimate my needs and desires for them. And they fuck me. I am missing something. I am deficient in someway, and I cannot for the life of me figure out what I am doing wrong. What has everyone figured out that I cannot.

I feel like I’m becoming worse as a teacher.

We discussed trans rights. Tik Tok has ruined their minds. They are afraid of traps. They know that sometimes trans people will secretly lie to them. They don’t want to be canceled, and they don’t understand why some people make being gay their entire personality. They respect the community, but they don’t know why they keep pushing their agenda onto little kids. Did you know that they’re teaching this shit in elementary school? Isn’t that fucked up, Mister?

The children will not save us. They are us. They hold up a mirror and reflect our failings back at us. Look, Mr. Berkowitz! Don’t you see where you fucked up? Look at me and see! I cannot do anything for them until I can do something for myself. And I cannot do anything for myself.

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My day did not start at 8 am this morning.
My day started on June 15th 2022 when I sat down to first compile the literature to begin my thesis.
My day started on Nov 21th 2021 when I first proposed the term paper that would later become the basis for my thesis.
My day started on a random Saturday in 2011 when my dad brought home a copy of "The Puppet Masters",
or perhaps it was during a particularly rousing Puritanical sermon in the 1630s.
That brings me to today, Nov. 1st 2021; and my thesis is still incomplete.
Today, I woke up at 8 am to try, once again to break the vicious cycle of mental gridlock and tackle my thesis.
I hate the voice of reason in my head, the teacher voice, that tells me to take little steps.
don't rush.
don't leave it for the last minute.
make an outline.
set goals.
Take breaks.
Sagely and stupid advice that I've passed on to many of my students. I wish that voice would shut the hell up.
I feel weighted down by my incompetence and fraudulence.
How can I coach students through a 3 page literary essay when I cant get past page 14.
page 14. I can't even open the word document. 14 is a decidedly evil number.
I'm relieved when the phone rings, again and again.
prolonging the dreaded moment of when I'll return to my staring contest with page 14.
I've locked myself into a paradox.
Writing has always come easily to me and therefore I don't need to break it into manageable pieces, make responsible choices, show forethought and planning.
yet, those 40 pages, 26, now stare back blankly the bright white and insurmountable. its too much space to fill.
I didn't write my thesis.
I really hate Robert Heinlein now.

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My first experience with any form of critical literacy was in the 3rd grade. My teacher, Mrs. Hamada had assigned us a project to conduct research at the school library and write a report on our favorite animal to be presented to the class. Along with this project came a brief introduction into how to conduct research and how to write a bibliography. Mrs. Hamada explained to us than when searching for information, the two important questions to ask are: 1) who is providing the information? and 2) Why? Now, these questions seem like common sense- closer to critical thinking than critical literacy, as Vasquez et al. points out in this week’s readings. At my deeply religious day school this was a highly subversive line of questioning that bordered on heresy. The unspoken question asked by Mrs. Hamada was “who holds the power and how do they maintain it?” These questions stuck with me long after I’d forgotten how to calculate the arc of a parabola.

My first formal introduction to critical literacy came in my senior year of college. I enrolled in my college’s capstone class for English majors entitled “Language, Literature, and Criticism”. For my final project, I wrote paper conducting a post-colonialist analysis of the novel, Black Mischief. I was inspired by Edward Said’s book, Orientalism. It wasn’t until recently that I began to understand critical literacy outside of an academic context- and “reading the world in the word”. Witnessing the political circus of recent history has opened my eyes to the ways in which the culture we inhabit is entirely comprised and sustained by the manipulation of information.

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This week, the article, Embodying English resonated with me in particular. I found the experiences of Nicole paralleling many of my own observations and experiences as a white student teacher/substitute working with minority populations. At the end of the article, Johnson asks the question, "What can't you teach or won't you teach? Why." This is question has sparked a great deal of introspection. My teacher preparatory classes have awarded great importance to culturally responsive/relevant pedagogy. I have interpreted this to be advocation for a curriculum that centers texts and themes that are relevant to the cultural backgrounds of our students. I believe this to be an admirable goal. Yet, when it comes to down to the actual instruction, I feel crippled by inadequacy. Who am I, as a middle-class white woman to be teaching my students about their own lives and cultures. It feels presumptuous to imagine that I have any guidance to offer or ability to facilitate the conversation when the truth is, I am much more at home teaching a class on the Bronte sisters. At the same time, it would be unequivocally wrong to neglect my students' cultural needs to assuage my own discomfort. Just the other day, I watched this dynamic play out on the graduate level. I am currently enrolled in class on children's literature. The course is taught by a great professor who happens to also be a white woman. It's clear that she gave enormous thought toward creating a syllabus that was representative of as many communities as possible. The assigned reading for this week was the novel, Monster. Several black students raised very reasonable objections about its place on the syllabus and questioned why the only depictions of black youth in this class's curriculum was a novel with incredibly heavy and depressing themes. In that moment, I felt myself questioning the class's syllabus and wondering who has the authority to teach which books. This question has been lurking in the back of my mind all week and I've imagined and reimagined a dozen different ways the course could be redesigned, but I can't shake the feeling of inadequacy on all fronts.

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Thinking back to my own engagement with critical literacy brings me to the foundational idea of "author's purpose". Critical literacy is about the audiences connection with the outside world and a text.  Critical literacy requires analysis to develop and analyze the author's purpose, but also put it into the framework of the world that exists outside that text. In my own experiences, I feel like this development of thinking was introduced in high school, between 11-12th grade, however it definitely was not as central to the curriculum like it is at the college level.  Personally, I don't believe our curriculum has created the space for critical literacy to be a main focus in the classroom because administration and other bureaucracy take up the space for this type of thinking to be part of everyday practice. There is so much power in being about to contextualize the literature with its place with the world.
My experience that I can think off the top of my head with critical literacy was when I was student teaching in a high school with 10th graders and our new novel was, The Color of Water.  Our classroom discussions about the reading were often found to be centered around racial identity and as the memoir shared both Ruth's Orthodox Jewish Identity and James' African American identity, students were making connections between both of the oppressive systems in society that were discussed repeatedly throughout the novel.  Reading this with them and keeping these ideas in mind, students' were able to keep track of real world discrimination and problems in our society through the lens of our characters.

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After this week’s readings and listening to Allen Luke explain critical literacy, I found his definition to be the most pertinent to me personally. Allen Luke said that critical literacy is not a method but rather a mindset and a disposition for teachers to take in the classroom when selecting texts, and writers, and looking for the different types of representation. One of my first memories as a student experiencing critical literacy in action was learning about an “unreliable narrator.” I hate to admit that my first time learning this concept wasn’t until 11th grade when we read The Great Gatsby and as a class, we examined and questioned the narrator Nick Carraway. I remember we looked back on how he had an alcoholism problem, he was obsessed with and idolized Gatsby and it was probably the first time in my life when a teacher had actually encouraged our class to question the narrator and the text that we were reading.

As an 11th grader and avid reader inside and outside of school, I was so fascinated with the idea of questioning - who was telling the story? I remember even at the time that I wished I had known about this concept earlier because it seemed to make so much sense - of course, there are always multiple sides to each story, just like I would consider my brother to be an unreliable narrator of our fight, I knew questioning so many of the books I had. Was it possible that Scout was an unreliable narrator in To Kill a Mockingbird? I distinctly thought about how that would change the whole story and subconsciously realized how important the narrator is in each text. It also happened that during this year I was simultaneously taking AP American History and for the first time, I questioned two things - for one, who was the narrator of my US history textbook? And two, how did I know that they were a reliable narrator? I didn’t realize it then but learning about Nick Carraway as an unreliable narrator was truly my first exposure to the mindset of critical literacy and reflecting now I can’t believe it took me until 11th grade. I love the idea of critical literacy and hope to introduce it to my own students much, much sooner.

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Brendon Conroy

Blog #3

Thinking back on my education, I remember learning being  extremely strenuous. Although education was valued by my family and my school, it was also something that was stressed to point where failure seemed inevitable. Failure seemed inevitable for a student such as myself because I struggled with so much. Believe it or not I graduated from High School nearly twenty years ago and so much I feel has changed in education since then. I feel as though we are working to create a safer environment for our students. Also to be more understanding of the work and effort that our students put forth in class. Whereas, when I was a student I felt as though if I did not put forth any effort or tried but did not give the best answers or get the best grade I was made to feel stupid. I later found out that most of the teachers that were teaching us did not even have Bachelors degrees. It was catholic school that imposed religion and instilled behavioral structure. If they even the slightest issues of discipline with you, you were seen as a problem within the classroom, instead of an intervention or pre-intervention being implemented in order to help students.

As a student of Private school my whole life I feel as though learning and understanding the process of learning was a difficult task for most other students as well as myself.  The relationship between teacher/student seemed to consist of teachers pouring their derisions upon anything we did. Teachers and educators took the opportunity to ridicule us and expose our weaknesses rather than focusing on our strengths. My teachers did not even know that I loved to write. They assumed I hated writing because I was not exactly the best at it, I needed more help with it than I or they even understood.

When I graduated high school in 2003 I felt as though I conquered the world and was ready to show the world my strengths and capabilities. I felt as though the weight of everything had been lifted from shoulders. I was ready for the world and ready for college. From there I found myself excelling in all of my classes, especially writing. I started to read more, I started write more even for leisure, something I had never done while in elementary, middle or high school. I found myself moving out of my shell and gaining the confidence that I never had. I found myself moving from “undecided” about my major and moving right into ELA and eventually a Master’s in education in hopes that I can make the changes in my classroom that I had never experienced. Focusing on my students strengths rather than their weaknesses, building the confidence of my students in hopes that they can find the love for the things that catch their interest.

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While going through these readings I instantly remembered a group project I was assigned in 6th grade. As a private school, our teachers took pride in assigning debates. My 6th grade Science teacher had just taught us a unit on the solar system and assigned us a project debating whether or not the moon landing was real or a hoax. We had to conduct our own research and were assigned the stance we would be debating for and against. And I remember experiencing extreme difficulty because we were just at the beginning days of google search and our first source would be Wikipedia (granted that our teacher actually let us use Wikipedia as a source LOL). Regardless, I was assigned to prove the moon landing was a hoax, and although my group had obtained plenty of research as to how it could have been a hoax, we only had theories or conspiracies. While the other group had a lot more factual evidence, with numbers and dates to present to us. I think the assignment itself was such an eye opening experience for me because I had no idea our textbooks could actually contain false information.

The next year in 7th grade our teachers began teaching us the dangers of social media and how easy it was to present fake information as if it were real. And today, when I teach my students about the differences between the reel and real of Instagram and Tiktok, they no longer are surprised; rather, they look at me as if I’m just presenting common knowledge. However, being aware of the dangers is only the first step to actually advocate change.

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Reading these texts made me realize how as a teacher I must do so much more than just teach English. It is my job to learn, understand, conceptualize and apply the different cultures of my classroom in order for me to have a more culturally competent classroom. Billings implemented the use of Hip Hop in her learning and teaching process which speaks a lot towards her approach, considering Hip Hop being an expression of social justice. She redefines academic success as “intellectual growth due to classroom learning and experiences.” Being a cultural competent requires an educator to truly create a judge and assumption free space, helping students “appreciate and celebrate their culture of origin while gaining knowledge and fluency in another.” A massive part of sustaining the cultural pedagogy would have to be removing ourselves from the “white gaze.”

As educators we encourage students to abandon their linguistic styles to uphold the speech of middle class White Americans, erasing their identities. It is also important to remove oneself of the mindset that we are helping students get to a “better” place. Our youth are truly the bearers of our future and it is important to be culturally aware and relatable. Changing tone, adding beats, making relatable pop culture references help them see us as helpers rather than teachers. A couple of years back, during Donald Trump’s presidency  my school’s 8th graders were extremely “politically woke.” As an 8th grader I recall watching Barack Obama, and discussing with my peers. The difference between the two: as an 8th grader it was easier for me to grasp Obama’s speech as it was for my immigrant parents. While the recent 8th graders would listen to Trump’s speeches to create the latest meme. If I ask my current 8th graders, who the president of the USA is today, I would be lucky to even receive the correct answer. However, who are they to blame? As an adult I find it difficult to listen to a speech by Biden.

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Literacy has been presented to us in many different formats and definitions as ELA educators, and holds a great importance in our curriculums. In simple terms, literacy is merely the measure of a student’s ability to read and write. However, there are multiple “discourses” that need to be considered when “assessing” and understanding literacy. Gee defines literacy as the “control of the secondary uses of languages.” He emphasizes on the importance of literacy cannot solely be learned as it is acquired via different discourses in one’s life. Youth, especially those who speak English as a second language are expected to learn the language however, they develop literacy through acquisition. Literacy does not only develop in school as it requires all parties to play a role: teachers, families, friends, and students.

Aside from ELL students, there are students who speak English as their first language however, their sociocultural discourses differentiate them. Something that may linguistically deem appropriate in one primitive environment may not in another, or in a secondary environment where intimates are not the main modality of conversation. Park describes his 10 year study as to why students who have the capacity to grasp much more complex concepts, are unable to grasp simpler concepts when taught to them in school.

As a middle school teacher it is mind boggling to see how technologically literate students are. They can maneuver difficult mediums such as Discourse, play complicated games, and create intricate TikTok videos. However, they find it difficult to understand concepts like themes and conflicts. I used to believe it was because of their lack of exposure to books and reading. However, within these modalities, reading, understanding and application is necessary. Then where does the glass barrier come in between our teaching and their understanding? How do we incorporate these mediums that may often be difficult for us, in students’ lives to bridge the gap that we teachers have created?

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High school, let alone earlier years, were over a decade ago for me and memory is already a tricky system to deal with in the first place. That being said, as a student growing up in the NYC public school system, I don’t really remember critical literacy, at least not my current understanding of it, as being much of a consideration. I don’t remember being encouraged to bring in my personal background, history, or learning into the classroom, it was all more about learning the “correct” understandings in there. And I say this having many fond memories of many incredible people as teachers, especially my English teachers. I just remember being taught “proper,” “standard” English, and other “standard” absolutes, and not even having the faintest consideration that other forms of the language, or other languages, could be relevant to my learning.

Experiences in college courses, student teaching, and especially in teaching have greatly changed my perspective on the learning of English and my understanding of it in general. It’s almost comically obvious now that of people learn as much outside of school as they do inside of it, perhaps even more. Of course all of students’ background knowledge should be strived to be utilized to help them further learn and grow. Especially in ELA, rather than seek to teach students the “right” way of doing things, we should be guiding students to how they can make sense of things in their own ways.

Rather than list off specific example after specific example, I’ll say that things are generally more open-ended now. There’s also more transparency and communication between teachers and students, or at least that’s what I’ve seen and how I strive to be. I let students know that sometimes we’re learning specific skills and/or knowledge that follow specific rules, but that the rules are only meant to be used for “formal” and “professional” situations, just to be on the safe and “expected” side. However, ELA, or expressing oneself in general, is always a personal undertaking and that I truly want them to be how they want to be.

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For this week’s reading, I was intrigued by the articles by Gloria Ladson Billings. I have read a book by Gloria Ladson Billings in my undergraduate year called “The dreamkeepers: Successful teachers of African American Children” which uses the cultural appropriateness that was assimilated in both articles for this week. Furthermore, what is appropriate to associate with cultures and backgrounds. As teachers, we need to recognize who students are and use our practices to accommodate students based on their needs. In Culturally Relevant Pedagogy 2.0 a.k.a. The Remix, Gloria Ladson Billings “In developing this theory, culturally sustaining pedagogy (Paris, 2012), these authors use culturally relevant pedagogy as the place where the “beat drops” then layer the multiple ways that this notion of pedagogy shifts, changes, adapts, recycles, and recreates instructional spaces.” (76) that can be displayed to incorporate students’ cultures into classroom instruction.

In visiting classrooms, Gloria Ladson Billings saw “Teachers who had good intentions towards the students and wanted to embrace culturally relevant pedagogy. They expressed strong beliefs in the academic efficacy of their students. They searched for cultural examples and analogues as they taught prescribed curricula.” (78) which could allow students to connect to contemporary literature. Since our schools are integrated, teachers have the responsibility to reach every student and connect to their culture.

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10_11_ Making Means (Willis, Shahiem) (1)

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Firstly, I would like to mention that I could only access two of the readings from the syllabus for some reason; “Embodying English...” and “I Can Switch My Language…” What came up for me in these readings is that, while they were specifically discussing academic situations, they both read as broader societal perspectives.

The readings pointed out that literacy is much more than the accepted, expected, “formal” language. And that literacy impacts much more than just speaking, reading, and writing, it impacts many more facets of life. Implying certain language habits are “informal” while others are somehow “proper” participates in the perpetual racist undertones that plague society. And saying things like “I don’t see color” isn’t the right way to go about dealing with others. We should see color, and histories, and backgrounds, and all other facets that make each person unique. We should embrace all that makes up a person and settle with the fact that we can all be amazing in our own ways, without needing to be “better” or “worse”  than others.

All this being said, I do actually tell my students that there is a broad societal expectation for language, and that it does end up being the language of “White Mainstream English,” as one of the texts so correctly put it. While I always explicitly vocalize that students should be proud of their own form of literacy and know that it is not greater or lesser than the literacy of anyone else, I do want them to be prepared for the unfairness and harshness of reality. Although, it must be said that teens are bright and are more aware now of how society works than teenagers have been in the past. Many of them already know the state of affairs they are, and will be, facing. Regardless, them being personally secure is my priority, but I am also attempting to instill the confidence to speak their language their way, despite social norms. I look forward to learning how to better navigate my way through understanding how to best incorporate everyone’s own literacy into my practice and general interactions with others.

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Brendon Conroy
BLOG #2

Regardless of how we communicate with linguistics in our classrooms, there will always be the inevitability of linguistic racism. It is tough for some to understand that racial positioning within our society perpetuates linguistic racism within our pedagogical practices.

In the article 'I can switch my language but I can't switch my skin' by Baker Bell it is stated by a student named Calvin from one of Bell's earlier studies that 'If African American Language was used by the dominant population and Dominant American English  was used by the minority population, then African American Language would be deemed the superior language and Dominant American English would be viewed as inferior."  Bell goes on to state how racial issues inevitably work their way into our pedagogical practices. Further touching upon the fact that regardless of one's linguistic approach it will still not change the fact of their racial positioning in society thus perpetuating linguistic racism.

Bell goes on to discuss the linguistic dimensions behind race and black and African American language. It also states how 'Although White Mainstream English is the standard used in many classrooms to

measure Black students (Alim & Smitherman, 2012), linguists maintain that the idea of a standardized language is hypothetical and socially constructed (Lippi-Green, 2012).' The idea of language superiority proves the fact that linguistic racism exists in our society. It is there in our classrooms, in our communities, in our homes and it is being ignored by the majority. "The belief that there exists a homogenous, standard, one-size-fits-all language is a myth that is used to justify discrimination on the basis of "language markers that signal alliance to certain social groups, primarily those having to do with race, ethnicity, [gender] and economic factors" (Lippi-Green, 2015, p. 15).

When we take a look at the study of language in and out of our classrooms, it seems as though teachers tend to set an almost "leave at the door" or "not in my classroom" type of mentality towards their students. There is not a full spectrum or understanding of ethnography and sociolinguistics outside of what is considered "the norm" for teachers and for people. How can more educators come understand the idea that linguistic racism does actually exist within their classrooms? How can more educators come to grips with it and accept it? And once it is acknowledged and accepted how can more educators learn to change it?

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In these readings the idea that remains crucial is that educators need to reframe the way in which they can learn and better understand their students. In Gloria Ladson's video, she mentions the importance of looking at your students as people you can learn from. This idea chips away at the ancient hierarchy of teacher student dynamics in the classroom and encourages the mutual understanding of gaining knowledge from all people that surround you. These readings harness the idea that insider and outsider knowledge has the power to benefit all body's in the classroom.

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This series of articles and the video for this week speak to critical youth literacies and insider/outsider knowledge, especially about the topic of cultural competency. In the video, Gloria Ladson-Billings says that culturally competent teachers “study the students and they don’t presume.” While reading the Baker-Bell article, this was especially in my mind, as educators oftentimes take a student’s linguistic tendencies as a marker of their level in education, when this is not the case. Students nowadays, because of how readily available social media is, share slang and colloquialisms easily. When answering teachers’ questions, they incorporate this set of prior knowledge and some teachers may view this as “linguistically inadequate because their language practices are viewed as deficient” (Baker-Bell, 101), when in fact it does not mean they are not intelligent or articulate. This is what Ladson-Billings was touching upon when she said that there is “no point in making an assumption” about students because we are “pretty poor judges” of who will be successful in the future. A student’s language reflects their upbringing and culture, not their intelligence. For example, we would never judge a non-native English speaker’s fluency in English as representative of how smart they are. The same should be done for any student, especially those of color who have been marginalized for this in the past.

I think that, as a teacher, it is important to focus more on what is being expressed rather than how. If a student is able to get their point across clearly and accurately, that is what is important. An expansive vocabulary should not be the only means of evaluation. I remember a conversation that I had a few years ago with a coworker, asking him how he knows of such obscure words that I had never even heard of before. He said that his mom was an English teacher too and that he was able to learn it from her. English was not my first language (I learned it from friends and through TV), but I learned it soon after learning Polish (the language my parents taught me). My parents were learning English as I grew up. It was only after this conversation with this coworker that I realized that my upbringing with immigrant parents had an impact on my vocabulary acquisition in a way that someone with English-speaking parents may not have been.

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I cannot describe my thoughts when I hear the word literacy. For many years, I believed literacy is the ability to read, write, speak, and listen in ways that are understood by everyone. In regards to believing that, I heard the word being used in data and assessment. With teaching and taking courses in methods and assessment, literacy is a socially constructed practice. Though, dialects and a person’s voice is different, James Paul Gee emphasizes that “Every act of speaking, writing and behaving a linguist does as a linguist is meaningful only against the background of the whole social institution of linguistics, and that institution is made up of concrete things like people, books, and buildings; abstract things like bodies of knowledge, values, norms and beliefs..” (1) which means that there are many other factors that makes up a linguist. Literacy isn’t under one umbrella in which as “English professionals” we have to separate literacy from the actual meaning and the phenomenon. In the text, What is Literacy?discourse is the common ground for literacy which positions many professionals to act a particular way. Similarly, our country wants our students to achieve high scores on exams which shows their proficiency in literacy, however, it doesn’t target the skills that are needed to take these exams. Ironically enough, there are students who are proficient in reading but not listening and vice versa. My question is “What is the best practice for students of all backgrounds?” and more specifically for students of color. Gee states “Finally, discourse are intimately related to the distribution of social power and hierarchical structure in a society.” (2) in which we can focus on how our funding for schools are based on the environment. With the resources, we can provide students with the foundation to speak, read, and write.

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As a writer, I am affluent in ideas and inner thoughts. Furthermore, in the aspect that when I am writing I can exhibit ideas and perspectives. However, I do need to work on vocabulary and using more profound words that would make my writing stronger. In a non-academic setting, I find that I spell words correctly, and sentences use punctuation unless I am typing quickly and my thoughts don’t flow. The process of writing is more difficult and hard to focus in non-academic settings. What constitutes good writing is fully-developed thoughts and feelings, ability to review, and cohesion. I used writing in my classroom to see how my students respond to questions and their penmanship. With penmanship, I would be able to see if students write in the lines, is it clear to read, and how can I help them.

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These readings speaks on critical youth literacy and insider/outsider knowledge because they show how an educators own prior knowledge can have an impact on the way we teach it. For instance, as stated by Johnson, the white educators stance on literacy can influence the way in which students access their education. However, an aware educator of their own standing can create dimensional insider/outsider knowledge. As an outsider on some of the literacy we teach the youth, this provides an opening for self education and awareness and change the way we approach certain literature. Also, it gives students the ability to demonstrate their own prior knowledge and incorporate their teacher in their own learning process. To apply my own experiences, my school is primarily Dominican which I am not. Therefore, not speaking Spanish is sometimes a barrier for me as the students educator, especially when some of the readings contain Spanish. This increases my need to do research and educate myself to allow the incorporation of student culture into my lessons. In addition, students seek joy in teaching a willing teacher who wants to learn with them and access education in the same ways that they do.

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This week’s readings struck a chord with me as many of them addressed the danger of not only teaching with a deficit mindset but also living with one in general. Specifically, the definition of teaching with a deficit mindset means that a teacher only evaluates students on student their limitations and weaknesses. Deficit teaching can look as simple as only crossing out questions that students get wrong and minusing points, rather than checking the ones that they get right and giving pluses for areas where they are succeeding. In regards to English, I always try to avoid deficit mindset grading when I am providing feedback on student writing. As an educator it can be easy to fall into the deficit mindset because in many ways we are “correctors” however the way that we go about teaching students can be either hugely influential and helpful to their lives or detrimental and dangerous to their self-confidence. One way I try to avoid deficit mindset grading on writing assignments is to not completely “mark up” student papers with edits, cross-outs, circling, and personal notes all over in red ink. Instead, I try to use a different color and provide students with three “glows” and three “grows” meaning three overall great parts of their paper and three overall areas that they can work to improve on. On a more extreme scale, and at its worst, a deficit mindset in education can surface as teachers who stereotype, underestimate, and undervalue students. In April Baker-Bell’s Chapter Ten: “I can Switch My Language, I can’t Switch My Skin” What Teachers Must Understand about Linguistic Racism” she delves into how teachers with deficit mindsets can result in real racism towards their students. She explains, “From this assumption, Black Language-speaking students and other linguistically marginalized students of color get falsely positioned as linguistically inadequate because their language practices are viewed as deficient” (Bell, 101). This example of how language can even play a part in deficit mindset educators because of course they are again looking to “correct” and making assumptions based on race about “right” and “wrong” ways of speaking. Gloria-Ladson Billings provides educators with a structure for how to transform from a deficit-based teacher into an asset-based one through the practice of culturally relevant pedagogy and the power it can bring to educators, and students, and changing the dynamics of diverse classroom environments.

As English teachers, it is of the utmost importance that we respect all students’ languages while guiding their educational experience in both reading and writing experiences working towards including wider ranges of diverse authors and texts and providing different types of writing assessments and projects where students can showcase their other languages besides just the formal, academic, “proper” writing. It is a part of our responsibility to grow towards maintaining asset-based mindsets. An educator with an asset-based mindset relies on not on the weaknesses of students but rather focuses on student strengths, development, and ability to learn. In Elisabeth Johnson’s research article, “Embodying English: Performing and Positioning the White Teacher in a High School English Class” she explores how she came into her research into white educators with a deficit mindset and saw the damages that can happen when assumptions are made too soon about students, teachers, or anyone. She states, “For instance, I found myself pitfalling into the deficit dilemma Lowenstein (2009) cautions against, when white teachers of higher education view white teachers as inherently naive about and less capable of working across racial difference in the classroom” (Johnson, 10) Johnson demonstrates that asset-based education mindsets value students and teachers as humans first and a deficit mindset leans too heavily on dangerous stereotypes. As educators, navigating students of different races, religions, genders, ethnicities, and socioeconomic statuses within our classes, makes our jobs not so cut and dry but rather a complex and deeply “human” experience. The readings from both Bell and Johnson illustrate the dangers of educating with a deficit mindset, especially when it comes to race and language in our English classrooms. We must focus on our students as individuals with feelings, the capability to grow and learn, and build up their strengths to the best of our abilities by respecting their backgrounds, cultures, and yes their languages.

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The term 'social construct' is one that is pervasive across our spaces of discourse. It's generally understood to mean a practice or concept that is not biologically driven, but the result of social relationships. When applied to the field of literacy, it takes on a uniquely literal meaning. What is literacy? Being literate means being able to communicate and navigate within a larger community. It is socially constructed- shaped by our relationships and communities, and it in turn, can be used to both enforce and undermine the established status quo. Literacy, like linguistics is liquid. While a formal approach to literacy requires students to receive their knowledge from the establishment, it is the youngest generation that is responsible for upholding or rejecting these norms and modeling new ways of understanding in their own image. Change and linguistic evolution takes place where youth intersects with tradition. We see our students mold new literacies every day when they create a new viral meme or adopt new slang. We wrongfully try to delegitimize what is the next step in a constantly evolving literacy as 'poor grammar' or 'bad writing'.  In "What is Literacy?" Gee refers to the difference between learning and acquisition. He describes how the informal process of acquisition is more important toward the goal of mastery. to embrace acquisition as teachers, we must allow ourselves to step away from the solely relying on established views of literacy and embrace the diverse ways of expression that our students acquire from the culture that is rapidly evolving around them. This means creating and encouraging assignments that respond to the social structures they inhabit and hold practicality beyond the vacuum that is often formal education and learning.

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I believe that literacy is a socially constructed practice because overall the way that we think is influenced by our life experiences and therefore reflected in our writing. It is almost unconscious in a sense because although we might be taught to write a certain way in the early years, at some point when we are allowed for a certain level of our own creativity to shine, it comes out and it has nothing to do with what we were taught but rather how we were taught to express it. I agree with Brian Camobourne's article Toward an educationally relevant theory of literacy learning: Twenty years of inquiry when he breaks down his ideas of habit formations, because I am a firm believer of good habits start early and I think anything can be become a habit whether good or bad. However, it is much easier said than done. I feel like most texts especially when related to in-class pedagogies explain a well thought out idea and have all the studies to back it up and yet they fail to realize that no two students are the same, sometimes it even seems like they have forgotten their experience in the classroom and that is assuming they had any at all. My point is so many of these practices sound amazing in theory, and they might work very well in a small town school, but when you are working with young adults that have a reading level of a 5th grader and no one is around to take account for how that was able to happen you have to question if and why those same educators weren't exposed to these same teachings, and if so what went wrong?

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In many ways, I have never questioned the definition of literacy other than it simply as “the ability to read and write.” In the education system, “improving literacy” is traditionally one of the yearly goals for school districts and as English teachers, there is often an expected pressure for the “literacy skills” to begin with us. However, James Paul Gee’s chapter on “What is Literacy?” opened my eyes to how literacy is a practice that expands far beyond any classroom. Gee argues for how literacy is constructed from the basic human instinct, desire, and necessity to communicate. Brian Cambourne’s article “Toward an educationally relevant theory of literacy learning: Twenty years of inquiry” even references one of my favorite sociological case studies on a feral child, Genie, who grew up abused and isolated from nearly all human contact. On all accounts Genie was considered to be “illiterate” due to her lack of education and major socialization deficits, however, even after a short time being socialized with others she was able to learn enough language to communicate out of human nature. Extreme examples, like Genie, offer insight into how important environmental factors are in the acquisition of literacy skills but simultaneously prove how there are a variety of pathways to achieve literacy despite the typical “reading and support classes” offered in traditional school settings.

Gee takes the concept of literacy as a social construct a step further by connecting it directly to an individual’s discourse or “identity kit” in life meaning that an individual’s race, ethnicity, gender, socioeconomic status, etc. all have an impact on literacy development inside and outside of the education system. If literacy can be rooted down to the basics of human communication, those methods of communication can vary greatly based on one’s environment and discourse in life. I can’t help but connect this claim to my experience teaching during the early days of the COVID-19 lockdown. During online learning for middle/high school students, most students leaned heavily on parent support and it was obvious which students came from families that valued and promoted a greater emphasis on school, grades, and literacy versus families that may not have had the privileges to focus their time on their child’s school work for a multitude of reasons.

The listenings this week from Maya Angelou and Amanda Gorman both stress a common theme of overcoming obstacles which I am thinking of as the ones that my own students faced in their home lives during the lockdown and even now. Using Genie as an extraordinary example, and the impact of the COVID-19 example as a more commonplace one, it is clear that literacy skills can fall on a wide range and can also be learned through more modalities than textbooks and reading classes. As English teachers, it is important for us to always be thinking about the ways in which we can increase literacy in the curriculum, in the environments of our classrooms, and how we can help promote it to students through pre-existing social parts of their lives and discourses. I guess these articles leave me with the question of how do we assess “literacy skills” in non-traditional ways aside from baselines and standardized exams? Additionally, it brings me back to the question from class last week, which is what is “good” writing and how do we assess that if we are now rightfully expanding the definition of literacy? As teachers and learners for life, it feels as though we are always left with more questions than answers.

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It’s so interesting to me that we had this prompt and set of readings when we did; I had a conversation this week with a student named Aaron about his struggles growing up in a Dominican household in the Bronx, going to schools where white teachers expected him to speak English one way, hanging out with Black friends who expected him to speak English a different way, and then going home to a family that needed him to speak an entirely different language altogether. I spoke to him about what we’d been reading about for this class, and he found it quite interesting. The idea of language and literacy as completely separate things illuminated a lot for him, and it was validating to me to see the immediate effect this learning had on my students.

But speaking with Aaron reified a lot of the abstraction I felt while reading Park (2008). He discusses the struggles of expecting students to navigate different literacies with detail and insight, but there’s always a disconnect between theory and praxis. Talking with my students—students with whom I have a rapport and a relationship—brings things into stark relief.

Perhaps I’m experiencing the Baader–Meinhof Effect, but simply reading about the difficulties students face while navigating different literacies has attuned me to the ways in which students negotiate these issues—sometimes even knowingly. Just today, I had a student named Quanmi who, when faced with a creative writing assignment, wrote in an English literacy that was most comfortable for him (or, I should say, felt most authentic to his story), but felt compelled to leave translations in parenthesis next to words he thought I might not know, or might otherwise be used incorrectly. It was startling to me to see a student do that, and also somewhat funny that he thought he should take my ignorance into consideration. It highlights just how aware of this problem most students are.

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Literacy is a socially constructed practice because it has the ability to allow us to communicate effectively and ineffectively. We are molded into various social constructs. Thus, having a major baring on how we learn and function in and out of the classroom. Discourse allows to get our points across and gives us the voice to speak with not only persuasion but with conviction and reality. It allows us to have different lenses inside and outside of the classroom.
James Paul Gee discusses in 'What is Literacy?' talks of discourse and the 'Identity kit' of how we are expected to talk and communicate within society or within our "social constructs." There seems to be a disconnect as to what we know beyond that. Gee goes on to discuss different examples of discourse as being made up by 'the social institution of linguistics.' He discusses how these examples of discourse are simply made up 'against the background of concrete things like people, books, and buildings as well as abstract things like universities, journals and publishers.'
It seems as though society has set a standard as to how we are able to use our voices. We do not take into the account the socio-economical disadvantages that others have had for so many years. If literacy sets boundaries for people within the classroom then there is already an immediate disadvantage that is learned throughout the educational system. In that case society does not allow people to have a proper voice in regards to these issues.
If we do not share the same knowledge as one another then we are limited to communicating our specific needs not only within a specific culture but as human beings. It is imperative to take the proper strides in order to learn about one another and the disadvantages that we may face in education and in society.

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Literacy is a socially constructed practice because the way we write is directly influenced from life around us. For example, if one was to pick up a novel made in 2021, covid19 might be mentioned because this impacted us as a whole and how we function in society. The way people were behaving might be documented as well as the way we had to live during quarantine.

As explained in "You are confusing!": Tensions between Teacher's and Students' Discourses in the Classroom '' student interaction with teachers can cause tensions when students don't respond well to student direction. Students can get frustrated when they don't understand what is going on. If a student is confused, I believe this is teacher error, and not student misunderstanding. Teachers should provide students with all the necessities needed to complete the task. For example, in my classroom, I have many students who do not understand verbal instructions. Therefore, I began using slides and images of the handouts with arrows and written explanations that students can refer to when they need to.

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Writing is the act of expressing yourself in a format that allows the message to be interpreted in many ways. While it allows you to transcribe your thoughts, it also provides a way for others to connect with these thoughts. It can impact others in ways that you did not foresee. Reading is the act of analyzing another person's thoughts and creativity. The youth constructs literacies from their experiences because they write using their own prior knowledge. This allows us to construct ourselves as writes, readers, and thinkers, because we insert ourselves and our thoughts when both reading and writing.

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Literacy is a socially constructed practice because depending on the group of people you surround yourself with, that will determine how you might act or speak.  In James Paul Gee’s article, “What is Literacy?” He discusses how literacy is related to the distribution of social power and hierarchical structure in society.  This idea is definitely common in relation to peoples locations of upbringing and their economic status. When people use certain slang or body language it can be seen as “ghetto”, when in reality it is just a comfort of the people they are used to speaking with.  For example, my mom says I curse a lot and she says it’s very “unladylike” and sounds ignorant. Yet, here I am finishing a Masters Degree so how can it be? Unfortunately, there is an image that most people believe we need to uphold to fit a certain status or place in society which are mostly based on assumptions and appearance.  Literacy is one of these factors that needs to be looked at from a wider lens when it comes to students in a classroom.  There are so many different strengths that students have that are not going to align with the formal modes of literacy, such as grammar or vocabulary.  Students are multifaceted in other ways and our classrooms need to address these different forms of literacy.

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I see myself as a “learned” writer rather than a natural. When I was growing up I always enjoyed creative writing assignments, however, in high school English became a very rote and test-prep-based subject. The writing process became very formulaic and you needed to follow the exact steps the teacher provided if you wanted a high mark on the assignment. Throughout this time period, unfortunately, I actually digressed as a writer. It wasn’t until my first college-level English course when I was getting Cs on all of my papers that I finally reconnected with the writing process through office hours, peer editing, and my university’s writing workshops. I felt as though I relearned how to enjoy writing again as a more creative space and in turn, I became successful at it academically. Aside from academically writing, during the COVID-19 lockdown, I started journaling and writing more descriptively about my days, my family, the weather, and the seasons, and I found it helped my gratitude towards everyday life, strengthened my writing, and was a great tool for my own reflections.

Personally, I would define academic writing as research-oriented, organized, structured, analysis, and formal-based. On the other hand, non-academic writing to me is free-verse, creative, less structured, informal, and often for pleasure.

Although “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” therefore there may technically be no such thing as “good” writing. In my personal opinion, I find good writing to be when an author can convey a relatable feeling and create that vivid emotion in me from just the words on the page. There are many “famous” authors and classical texts that may hold great historical and literary value, I don’t feel anything whereas an Instagram poem can bring me to tears.

Today, in my classroom students wrote their annotations in their short stories and a creative exit ticket prompt where they put themselves into the shoes of characters within the story. It was interesting to see students' responses, and it was awesome when I told them that they would submit their responses anonymously. I think the anonymity of the exit ticket, allowed students to feel even freer to express themselves and genuinely share their opinions and perspectives of the story, who they are in their lives, and how they would fit into the moral dilemma in the story.

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https://docs.google.com/document/d/1W5HiGadMG6Iv9Pm3REsvzUWyURZNFChrXOQAz4GRLXQ/edit?usp=sharing

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As a writer I believe I am simply putting my thoughts to paper to give them a space to exist beyond my mind. I don't take my writing seriously and hold it to high standards, I write as a form of expression and accountability. I get into moods where I have more poetic moments and thoughts but never assumed it would more serious than just an attempt at trying something new.

Academic vs. Non-Academic writing is exhausting. Academic writing can feel like a vocabulary contest that leaves so many people out to make them feel small.  Whereas, non-academic writing has the potential to be far more personal and expansive without all the fluff and rules. I understand the place for academic writing, but it also feels exclusive and made to make people feel incompetent.

What constitutes good writing to me is your ability to make your audience feel something. If writing creates connections or asks critical questions, it is doing you exactly what writing is meant to do.  With or without the most perfect and correct punctuation.  Sometimes the things that make an impact on us the most are quoted as simple as a bumper sticker.

Writing in my classroom when I was student teaching was used in two ways; one was journal writing that would be collected and graded based on completion and not content. I would make comments to learn about my students instead of grading them on writing content. Secondly, writing was used to measure students understanding during more formal assessments. For example, short answer questions on exams that students preferred over multiple choice, and informal assessments like exit slips.

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Toward an educationally relevant theory of literacy learning - Veni

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Toward an educationally relevant theory of literacy learning - Veni

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Literacy is a socially constructed practice because language, and all that goes along with it, itself is a social practice. If people did not have anyone to be social with, there would be no need to speak, read, write, or understand others. We would live our lives forming our personal understandings and going about our days solemnly. But we are fortunate in that we live in a time where we can still have our alone time to form our personal understandings, and have all that enhanced by our interactions with others. We are then able to continuously revise and learn and enjoy and grow as we put ourselves out into the world and the world gives us feedback.

In his article, “Toward an educationally relevant theory of literacy learning: Twenty years of inquiry,” Brian Cambourne lays out plainly how literacy in youth broadly functions and can be improved. It can take some of the beauty out of it, but Cambourne boils learning down to “essentially a process of habit formation” (183). If we take literacy as the specific learning, all it takes is for people to be fully immersed in an environment where literacy is the norm, with all the being fully immersed entails. Of course, this is so much simpler said than done, yet he lays it out in such a way that makes it seem like it really should be easy. People must be surrounded by others using literacy, they must be able to view and hear others performing it, they must see that literacy is simply an expectation of life, they must engage in it personally within the environment and understand that their understanding of literacy is forever flexible and subject to change.

While I certainly don't have it so broken down and methodical like Cambourne does, this is the same general understanding I have surrounding learning and how I’ve tried to have my classrooms be. One of the first things I try to do with students is prove how reading, writing, and thinking deeply are worth their time. That they can take what they’ve learned in class with them throughout their entire lives. It’s tough though, trying to get 140+ students to care. Especially when society is now in a state where focus and quality are overall not viewed as valuable, and we’re instead just habitually scrolling to the next fifteen second clip of something, anything, to get as much content through our brains as possible. Habits are formed by repeating actions, however that’s a double-edged sword. Just as people can develop beneficial habits, we can also develop harmful ones.

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I don’t consider myself a “writer.” I write things all the time, for various reasons, but I feel as if the word “writer” is reserved for those who feel a certain sense of enjoyment from the simple act. Those who write in their free time, those who write to vent, those who write to create stories, people who write in these ways, and likely many more that aren’t currently coming to mind right now, are writers. And I haven’t written in that kind of way for a long time. That being said, I used to enjoy writing, and this class has already provided multiple opportunities for me to just write for no particular reason other than to write. I look forward to exploring that part of me again.

Academic writing is full of rules, non-academic writing is full of emotion, is what immediately comes to mind. Although I guess they don’t necessarily need to be separated in that way.

I wouldn’t say I exactly know what constitutes good writing. That’s what I want to know. To offer something, I imagine good writing is enjoyable to read, even if just intellectually, no matter the actual content.

Today we had students write in response to prompts, write as part of an active listening group effort, and write a journal from two different options. The goal was overall to just get them writing their thoughts on paper, physically moving pencils/pens on paper. Because this group of students hates the idea of writing even a sentence down physically. We’d like to build a habit of writing their thoughts down as we incorporate rules of grammar and creativity.

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I am a writer who loves to write when she has the time. During the school year, I barely have time for the things I enjoy the most– like writing poems and making art. I am a writer with no time and with a desire for more practice. I am a developing writer. I wish I could just take more writing classes like I did in undergrad that fell into the category of creative writing and I could experiment with my style. I wish I had good prompts, like I once did from my creative writing professors. I am a writer whose vocabulary isn’t necessarily the most expansive because English was not my first language– and because the school system stopped pushing vocabulary so much when I went to school. I am a developing writer. And as an ELA teacher, I wish I was a stronger one. Maybe I’m not as bad as I think in my head, but I really do wish I could spend more time working on this skill.

The reason it upsets me so much is because I used to have the time to do this. I excelled at it. In the fifth grade, we were given an assignment to write a short story of one page. Mine was at least five, if I remember correctly. I came up with it all on my own. I was the student that teachers told to “put that book away” because my nose was always stuck in one. I had notebooks where I’d write my silly fanfictions about Justin Bieber– but hey, at least it was something. I was practicing writing dialogue, creating a plot, working with characterization– man, I wish I could have me as a student, no lie. I was always so excited by the opportunity for a creative project that involved writing and imagination. I wish the adult world valued this as much as elementary school teachers do. I want to be the writer I was when I was 10– bright-eyed, imaginative, and knowing no boundaries.

Academic writing is anything that is asked for by an educational institution or that is done based on some sort of research. Non-academic writing is anything that someone may do for their own pleasure. It could be creative writing, blogpost writing, and so on. It is something that gets the creative mind flowing for no other reason than enjoyment.

Today, writing was used in my classroom through a worksheet where students were able to research an assigned topic for the book we are going to be reading. I would consider this academic writing because it related to their future in ELA and they were doing it because we asked them to do so. Today was not the best day to ask what my writing was like. Last week, we did “I am” poems where students were given sentence starters (4 of 5 of my classes are ICT) and they filled it in. Some of the poems were so moving– students really opened themselves up and showed a side they don’t usually show to the world, especially not in school. We did SMART goal setting for personal and academic goals where students really had to think about and communicate what they wanted to achieve. Writing is the bridge between the mind and paper.

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As a writer in and out of the classroom I am a helper, an instructor and a mentor. I am also a songwriter, a poet and a guide. Whether we focus in on different styles and different types of writing we are still the teacher but we are also the poet, the songwriter, the guide, the instructor and the mentor. Good writing should help you to see yourself, your heart, your thoughts, your mind but we are given limitations and boundaries in society. Bad writing could does the same depending on how we look at it. Writing either way should help the imagination run wild and help you to understand yourself and others better than you realize.

Academic and non-academic writing can be almost the same. Informational writing can still be guided by creative prompts. It can be an essay, it can be a song or a poem or a story. It can be a few sentences about how your day is going. Writing can be what you want it to be academically or non-academically.

Writing was used in my classroom in so many ways today. It was used to gather information on the lesson. It was also used to help guide my students. Writing was also used to get the creative wheels turning for myself as well as my students. When I enter the classroom as the teacher I am still the songwriter, I am still the poet, I am still the author, I am still the guide and the teacher. I construct my classroom as I construct my songs, my poems and my stories. I use love, heart, soul, creativity and art. When constructing a piece of art one must use a pallet that contains a multitude of colors for their canvas. The same goes for a writer. The same applies to every type of writer academic or non-academic.

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When it comes to writing I am a learner. What I once used to believe is one of my greatest strengths has slowly become one of my greatest weaknesses throughout college, as I have come to learn of the greater technicalities in writing. I am a writer that has been on a writer’s block for years, that is still searching for her “inspiration.”

In my opinion, academic writing is technical and has “rules.” While non-academic writing is informal and has more room for error. In my classes today,  we completed basic writing assignments such as “smart starts” and “exit tickets” where students reflect on yesterday and today’s lesson while being “forced” to answer in complete sentences.

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I have always loved writing - it's always been a natural way for me to communicate my thoughts, feelings, ideas, etc. I recognize that this made me luck in school, since writing is so frequently used in academic settings. In school, I was always "that kid" who wrote three pages when we were supposed to write a paragraph. At home, I wrote in a diary almost daily (for most of my life - I've been slacking this year as a first year teacher thought:(). Creative writing has always been something that felt natural and has brought me joy. I've always loved writing creative non-fiction essays, short stories, plays. Academic writing is very different, but I don't hate it even if I prefer creative writing. I wish there was more room for personality in academic writing at the K-12 level, though. I'm frustrated with the way some of my sixth graders think their writing needs to follow the exact same formula every time (IDD if you know what I'm saying......). Me as a writer learned to write during the golden age of Tumblr (2012-2014...) .... if that resonates with you in any way, I'm sorry. I like to write like I talk and I overuse parentheticals (which grammarly is telling me is not a word) because my brain constantly has a million things going on at once so I think my writing should as well (even if my creative writing prof in college didn't agree)!

I think good writing is writing that is truthful. That's why I don't like the IDD model!! How can that be truthful to anyone? I think good writing is an extension of your thoughts. Good writing is unique, because if it's truthful it will likely not look like anyone else's in the classroom. I do think good writing is clear. That doesn't mean following any kind of established structure necessarily, but it means expressing your thoughts in a way that isn't obstructed by unnecessary flowery language or confusing wordiness.

Today was a really fun writing day in my English class! We talked about using sensory words to vividly describe settings, looked at some examples, and then practiced our own. I put images of settings up on the board and gave my students eight minutes to start writing a short story describing the setting using all five settings, but without naming the setting. As they moved past describing setting, they continued through the plot elements and most created full short stories in eight minutes! They were silly, creative, smart, and they did A LOT of writing!

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I don’t think I’m a very good writer to be honest, I didn’t learn to write what would be considered a good quality paper until my first year as an English major at queens college. My writing has progressed over the years, and I enjoy it when it has to do with topics that appeal to me but otherwise it’s just work. I look at it as something that has to get done. I don’t think I am qualified or experienced enough to categorize “good work”, as a teacher when I assign something I know what I’m looking for but just because a student doesn’t answer a prompt correctly doesn’t mean it isn’t good work either. In my class today they students are continuing their work on their personal statements, and the prompt was about overcoming challenges. This writing will sever as one of the guide for constructing their college essays, they just think it’s busy work, but I know they will be pleased with the end result. I get them going by sharing my story to begin with.