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Progreas pictures I forgot to add before 

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Progreas pictures I forgot to add before 

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Progress puctures I forgot to add before 

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Progress puctures I forgot to add before 

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Progress pictures I forgot to add before

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Progress pictures I forgot to add before

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Here are three of the pieces I discarded during the project, and I will write a little about why I diacarded them and what I can do to avoid making the same mistakes in the future

> pink tree
This piece was discarded mainly because my choice of materials and colours made the tree look too delicate, and since it would not match the rest of my project I decided not to finish it. The body of the tree was made with a small tree branch that I sanded, added texture to with a 3d pen and then painted. The original branch was too thin and delicate, and the metalic magenta I mixed was too bright l, in my opinion. The flowers I made were too little and they would be white with pink details, which would make the whole piece even more delicate looking. Afterwards, I re-made the tree using pieces of wood and biscuit around a simple table lamp, used the 3d pen for texture again, and painted it in a darker colour with only the highlights in the metallic magenta I had used before. The flowers were a bit tricky because I made the mistake of using the same colour palette as before so ilthey did not match the new version of the tree, but I was able to repaint them in a dark colour as well so they got "camouflaged" in the tree instead of catching all the attention as they did with the first palette.

> wasps
I really liked the design I made for the wasps, but I think execution was a bug problem. I should have made the body smoother (I left may small mistakes due to lack of attention), painted the fur AND the body before attatching them togheter, made the wings in whie (I made them in orange material and had to paint them white, which looked very badly finished), and other small mistakes. I probably will try to remake them after the project is finished, as a personal challenge

> turtles (aberrations 4.1 and 4.2)
The scribbles I made with the 3d pen looked very rough and sloppy in a way I didn't intend them to.

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About reflection and research, and my personal experience in the course

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About reflection and research, and my personal experience in the course

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I do believe that  have not achieved all the learning criteria in this reflection padlet, but it was definitely the best I could do. I have struggled with this reflection method througout the whole foundation course; I could never fully understand what was expected from me in my reflections, and I have also been put in a very difficult position where I do not feel like I'm allowed to ask for help or attend student support sessions (due to stuff that was said to me by teachers and members of the staff, and also due to being accused of doing several things I never actually did, and my word not being taken as true in those situations - which, if I may say, I think was not fair at all, since the word of other student accusing me was taken to be the truth and I wasn't given the benefit of the doubt because I had a panic attack when being accused and wasn't able to defend myself, but I digress;)
Anyway, throughout the course the position taken by some of the teachers in face of these situations left me feeling more and more on my own and undeserving of help, and I really don't think that contributed to my learning.
Just to be clear, I do not mean any of that as an excuse for my poor performance in the learning criteria related to reflection and research; instead, I mean this as a feedback on how I was made to feel like I couldn't seek help with the teachers, a situation I don't want any of the future foundation students to be put in.

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These two days were dedicated to preparing the exhibition space. I painted the walls, attached the curtains and glued the bits of wallpaper, making them all wrinkly and thorn like an old, poorly attached wallpaper.
I had a bit of trouble because of the curtains, since teachers insisted that they were not in my project proposal - and indeed they weren't, but in my project proposal I also wouldn't exhibit my work next to an enormous window, so I had to cover it somehow to be able to present my work. I think it's quite unfair to require my work to be exactly like on the proposal when I was given a space different from the one I was planning, because there is no viable way to arrange my project in the space I was given without making those changes.

Another thing that I think was worth mentioning is that a lot of people asked me if I wasn't going to correct the way I painted the wall (because it is not a neat, straight line) and the way I cut my carpet (also not a net, straight line). I get why people ask that, since it is natural that people aim for perfection when showing their work, but I don't think a perfectly painted wall or a perfectly cut carpet would really match my concept - instead, I wanted to make it look like my work is "leaking" from its exhibition space, like the feeling I have in the beginning of my leep paralysis crisis, when the "dream world" starts invading the "real world". I think I achieved that, but I'm afraid I will have to keep explaining that it was intentional.

I don't think there's much to reflect about today, other than that.

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I took this three days to finish up all my smaller objects and start working on the animation. I believe the animation will not be ready in time for the assesment, so it will not be able to be assesed, but it will be ready in time to be shown in the exhibition.

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The last few days were 100% dedicated to making. I worked on my objects without any issues, so I don't really know what to reflect about.

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I finally was able to find a new set of furniture that can fit in my exhibition space, and now I need to find a way to make it match the rest of my room. It has been really hard to work on making all the changes I need to make, since, as I have stated before, my work relies a lot on creating an atmosphere, so all the objects need to match in a certain way.
I have decided to use curtains to cover the windows, and Monique helped me find an easy way to attach them, so I consider the window problem solved.

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This week was really frustrating and I wasn't able to make any concrete progress on my work. The space I was given for the exhibition is terrible and some of my pieces don't fit in there, apart from the fact that I needed a well-lit (with artificial lights) space and Michael gave me a space where all the lights need to be off, and it's close to a window, which is something that doesn't match my concept at all.
I will have to make soe MAJOR changes in my project, find a way to cover the window, find a way to light up my space without interfering with other people's projects that need a dark room, buy new furniture and re-do all the work I had already done on the furniture if I want to be a part of the exhibition under these conditions. I am seriously considering not showing my work at all, since showing it on the exhibition will mean I have to do a lot more work than I predicted and I will have to focus 100% on re-making my stuff, and I won't be able to pay attention to other aspects of the proect (sketchbook, reflection, research) and that may affect my grades a lot since I was planning to use the last few days before the assesment to type the notes I took for relection and research (I prefer writing by hand than typing, so I wrote my reflection and research on paper) and to update my sketchbook.

I hate to be so picky about my exhibition space (it can't have windows, it needs to be artificially lit, the lightbulbs can't be the ones that are already on the studio, etc), but my work is heavily based on creating a specific atmosphere and any small detail that deviates from the rest may be enough to break that atmosphere. A lot of students that did not need such specific conditions to show their work got places that would easily satisfy my conditions, and they would be able to present their work in the space I got without having to change anything - so I really think that Michael could have given me another place and just didn't want to.

I spent the whole week measuring my space so I can buy new furniture that actually fits inside it, and also going around the city to try to find said furniture, so I wasn't able to work a lot on my objects, illustrations and animation. I had to spend way over my budget to make this changes, and I really believe that the exhibition spaces could be picked sooner so I could plan my work beforehand. When I said that to some teachers, I was told that "the work shouldn't be site-specific", and ok, I agree - but in this case everybody should be given spaces where they actually could show their work without needing to make such major changes.

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My first object - the dollhouse - is slowly taking the shape I want. I chose to use tissue paper and glue to give it a wrinkly, rough "skin", and thick cardboard and pieces of wood to make the structure. I wanted the house to be leaning towards one side, which I thought would be difficult to achieve in a way the house could still stand on its own, but in reality it was fairly easy to do.

I find the learning criteria regarding experimentation and problem solving really hard to sucessfully answer to, since I have already used all the materials I chose to use for this project, so I already know i and how they will work, making it hard for me to find a way to experiment with them in a way that is actually meaninful and has an effect on my learning, instead of just repeating tings I already know.

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I let my anxiety take over me and ended um doing nothing at all.

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Reflection prompts:

1) So far what has been my biggest achievement in the project and why?
I honestly don't think I've achieved anything significant in this project yet.

2) So far what is the most important thing I need to improve and why?
I've been struggling with trying to find a comfortable way to fill up my reflection and research padlets, and they are important so that I can get a good final grade. I also can't find a way to plan my work schedule that doesn't make me too anxious and doesn't end up getting in the way of my work, wich is also important for my final grade because one of the evaluation criteria involves planning skills. I can't say those things are important for reasons othe than my grades because so far they have only been making me too anxious to work, so the benefits of doing them have been outweighed by this anxiety. [So I don't get misunderstood, I need to stress that I am NOT complaining about those activities or saying they are not important, I'm just stating that my own psychological issues have been preventing me from actually enjoying the benefits they are supposed to provide].
Another thing that I alo need to improve is my attitude towards the project. I let my insecurities get in the way of my work way too often, and that has been affecting my work both in terms of speed, quantity and quality.

3) What progress do I want to make before my next 1:1 tutorial and why?
First of all I need to find a way to present my ideas and experiments without being overflown with anxiety and insecurity and freaking out like I have been doing everytime someone asks me about my work. Second, I need to make those same ideas and experiments organized and presentable. After doing those things, if I have the time, I wish to have the scripts and character designs for the comicis all finished, as well as sketches for all the sculptures I want to make.

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I will be frank: I have lots of problems related to this project and my learning and I really need help with them, but I simply cannot feel like I'm allowed to talk to any of the tutors about them so I will have to figure out a way to solve them on my own.

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Couldn't work today due to migraines.

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Today I kept working in character designs and sketches for my dream museum. I don't know what else to write here lalalal

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The day was really slow, but I managed to write a few extra paragraphs on the script I'm working on for my dreams. I started thinking about what the final outcomes will be and how I will present them, and one idea I really liked was making a kind of museum of dreams, where I would present the comics I'm working on and also some 3d sculptures that I want to make representing specific dreams I had.
It has been very hard to keep track of what I'm doing and follow my action plan because having specific tasks set for me (even if I'm the one who sets them) gives me anxiety that is almost paralysing and really gets in the way of my work.
I still haven't figured out a way to make reflection or research entries that I'm comfortable with, and that's also something that has been holding me back.

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This morning I made some progress on my project, but I don't think there were any "breakthroughs" or anything worth noting.

In the afternoon we had the research/reflection crit, which I honestly found completely useless. I mean, I am well aware of what I need to improve in my research and reflection, and hearing the exact same stuff over and over from other people's mouths doesn't really do anything to help me with that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not criticizing the exercise (I do believe it might have helped others in the class), but it really wasn't useful in my particular case, and I wish I was given the choice of not participating in it and instead keep woring on the project.

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Plans for the day:
Arrived at 12pm
12h - 12h15: update reflection - DONE
12h15 - 13h: get research ready for the reflection and research crit tomorrow (which I think will not be of very much use for me anyway) - HALFWAY DONE continue later
13h - 14h: character design exercises DONE
14h - 14h15: break so my brain won't explode DONE
14h15 - evaluate what I have done today so far and plan for the rest of the day. DONE

Worth noting so I can develop strategies to overcome this later: I've been struggling with keeping my reflection padlet updated because even though I believe that the teachers use this method because it might be valuable, I just cannot see how writing reflections may help me work better. In Part 1 I have taken reflection very seriously, but my writing was considered too rebelious due to me actually reflecting on things I didn't agree with, which led me to do the bare minimum reflection on Part 2 just to pass. None of these strategies have made any visible impact in my work or how I work, and that makes me really unmotivated to write reflections.

Today was very slow, but I got to start deeloping some character design sketches and keep reading my books for research. I don't think there was anything else worth noting for today.

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Chronic migraine day, hurray! I spent most of the day at the ER, so today was not very productive. In the hospital, though, I though of a short begining for a comic I could write about maladaptive daydreaming:

It could start with something like "I'm what people call a maladaptive daydreamer. Don't get me wrong, it's not the daydreaming that makes me bad at adapting. In fact, it may be quite the opposite: since the world I used to live in was unpredictably scarry, I created another world of my own, one that would accept me and bend to my will. But things with personality tend to grown and sneak around until they can take the wheel themselves and, well, I don't want to brag, but -my- world was pretty full of personality."

The story could go on to show how the character got trapped in their daydreams to the point they blacked out to reality; and how they instinctvelly knew that was dangerous, but their fear of the real world compelled them to go deeper into the dream, and how things that happened in their real life when they were in autopilot affected the world of their dreams.

It is just a rough idea, but I though it was worth registering anyway.

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I think it is more than fair that I use the reflection padlet to record the dreams I am having while working on this project, so I can see if they impact my work in anyway later.

This night I have dreamed of super technological robots with dozens of thin elastic plastic wings, all in very bright colours (I specifically remember a very bright orange and a blue that looked like neon lights). The robots were all broken, in some kind of very trashy abandoned warehouse that was repourposed as a sort of robot repair shop. I also dreamed that my pet snails were coming out of their shells to say hi (they are super shy and only come out at night, but in the dream they would come out whenever I got close to their little plants), and then they would hide again to avoid the rain - I do not remember how it was raining if we were inside. To the best of my memory none of those dreams had any kind of plot, but they were visually interesting so I thought I should record them anyway.

Quick list of what happened today in class, for context:
- Michael talked to the class about our projects, research and the meaning of context.
- I updated my reflection padlet with everything from last week (I prefer to write my reflections by hand and type them out later, so my reflections will come to the padlet in batches even though I am writing them almost everyday).
- Henry did a quick presentation about knowing your client and other stuff related to that. I took notes about some useful websites he presented.
- I spent some time sketching ideas and experimenting with gouache. Afterwards, I started writing a stoy based on my dreams in a "script" format, so it will be easir to turn into a comic book, animation or whatever later.
- Henry gave me a handful of good ideas and made me think about lots of stuff I hadn't thought about before. I wrote some notes on my sketchbook and will comment on them here later today.

So, it's later today, and I will comment on Henry's ideas. He made me think a lot on -why- I dreamed all those dreams, and mentioned that since I almst always date them I could look for correspondence between the periods in my life when I had the most scary, bad dreams and the periods in my life when I had the dreams that were overall good, and try to link them to what was happening in my real life on that same period - which I though was a really good idea and might be implementing it into my work. He also pointed that if I think my bad dreams are related to bad things that happen in my life I could try to find a way through my work to help people with the same problem, making them see that bad dreams might be a way of our subconscious telling us there's something we need to change in our lives (he saide something like "if you have a heart attack, it is your body telling you to go slower, dreams can be similar to that"). That also led me to think about two dream-related conditions/symptoms of conditions that I have had in the past (one of them is chronic, so I still have it) and that an enourmous number of people in the world also have: maladaptive daydreaming (which can be a symptom of numerous psychiatric disorders, from depression to OCD to schizofrenia) and sleep paralysis (which for me is chronic and associated to my chronic depression, but can become stronger or weaker depending on the antidrepressives I take).
Henry also made me think about how dreams were perceived historically, and how the historical context affects them, which is something that I might use in my project as well.

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In the morning we had Olivier Tossan as a visiting lecturer. His oresentation was very valuable to me, since he does a lot of work with character design and that is the part of illustration and animation that most interests me.

Apart from that, I just spent the rest of the time sorting my dreams in categories as I stated I would do, and started sketching a little bit of character design for the many characters that appear in them, inspired by Olivier Tossan's talk.

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During the morning we had a lecture by Charles Watson. I get and appreciate his message of not being afraid to make mistakes because mistakes are what make we work better and have better ideas, but it is very hard to me to put this concept in practice due to my long-time problems with anxiety. It seems like I have to work twice as hard as other people just to accept my failures and not let them consume me.

Today - in fact, this whole week - has not been very productive to me. I have been letting the fear of not being able to finish my project or of not being able to produce a good outcome paralyze me, so most of these days I ended up not making any progress at all. I should not allow myself to do the same next week, but I still don't know how to. Maybe forcing myself to experiment with various materials to see if any ideas come in the flow of the moment?

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Days 03 and 04 - 20 and 21/03 - Wednesday and Thursday

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Days 03 and 04 - 20 and 21/03 - Wednesday and Thursday

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I spent both of the self-directed study days this week transcribing all of my dreams that I had recorded in ways other than text. Transcribing dreams that I recorded in audio was easy, but I also tried to put into words the dreams I had recorded only in doodles and key words. Thankfully, my memory helped a lot and just trough the doodles and keywords I could visually remember almost all of those dreams as short "movies" - but in the future I should not rely so much on my memory, because this situation could have ended up completely different if my memory did not help so much.
Anyway, now I have a total of 57 dreams thoroughly described in words, and I believe that is a very good starting point to work with. My next steps will be to put all of these dreams into categories from most interesting (or the ones I want to work with the most) to least interesting, and then start sketching everything those dreams make come to my mind.

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I spent three hours in the hospital before coming to class, being medicated for my chronic pain. I know it is not an ideal situation, but bear with me as I explain why I believe it was actually good for writing my project brief: what I want to do with my Part 3 project involves my dreams, and my dreams have a lot to do with that moment in which we dwell when half-asleep, whe the subconscious finds a way to "front" our brain but we are still awake. It was not intentional, of course, ( I don't really get to plan when my chronic pains will act up), but having a sleepless night right before finishing my project brief actually put me in a state close to that, and helped me think better about the kind of things I want to explore.

I really don't know why I'm writing this in my reflection, I just thought it would be worth registering.

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Today was a day that consisted mostly in listening about how Part 3 will be and what we can do to make the most of it. It was helpful to clarify some things, but I don't think there was anything worth reflecting about.