# data[].attributes.body
being and nothingness is still on my shelf because i haven't read a book by a man in a long time oops. how fundamental do i have to get to see a fuller picture??? all or nothing right???

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today i found a human shit on my doorstep. i feel the need to make a motivational speech about it. sometimes a shit is just a shit, and sometimes a picture of birds are just birds.

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i have a lot of shame (shocker) but am not interested in researching religion(polish dead mom) or psychology (been there done that)

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i discovered i was neurodivergent when i was twenty six 

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i discovered i was neurodivergent when i was twenty six 

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it's really so embarrassing. sometimes I punish myself by listening to cringy music i listened to in high school. who am i kidding i love it still. Tokio Hotel was my favorite band when i was sixteen (16). it is the only logical reason that i ended up in europe. all the emo songs of the 00s have those long titles that could have only been conjured by someone on drugs. how do i, in an academic setting, let everyone know i want to title my very serious not at all humour-masking artworks things scribbled in the notes app in a similarly embarrassing long run on sentence. "stop telling me i have a pretty smile, i'm not ready to heal..." "the game of life is figuring out how to avoid pain, and i'm losing" we are workshopping...

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how do i take self portraits without it being narcissistic. Someone said somewhere that you are your own best model because you're always there (yeah of course someone said that...source???). Anyway it's true i am done seeing pictures of architecture. That's irrelevant. a friend 3d printed me a selfie piece for my camera and i wanted to try it out why can't it be that why can't it ever just be that.

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talking to my middle-aged-middle-sibling half-sister about the various relationships i have with various types of individuals in the way in which my mother would have understood... she deserves to know me, but i have managed a distance. My party trick is pulling out that dismissive relationship attachment type. i am exhausted but haven't even tried... have i? stop playing the victim.

how many times can the third person 'one' aka 'me' tell 'someone' aka 'my sister' about the Everest that is the self hating inflated esteem half faggot experience.

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ew why do i feel gross writing that
reading prozac nation by elizabeth wurtzel and how this book is definitive in my writing development. We definitely have different griefs...but she has my favorite description of this condition. the cheshire cat, fading in and out of her own life. God it's so fucking depressing, I haven't reached that level of poignant directness yet.

Anyway what i really wanted to talk about was how prozac nation got shit reviews from some very famous publications claiming it's self absorbed and hyperbolic and hyper feminized and all i have to say is... duh? duh! Oh it came out the same year I was born (cheap connection) and only men reviewed it at the time. “I was so scared to give up depression, fearing that somehow the worst part of me was actually all of me. ”

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done with the excitement and bamboozlement around people's reaction to the elephant in everyone's room.

oh, someone not following the rules of possible virals endangerment? And you're writing it on social media to your 200 hand circle jerk as if you're surprised that shitty humans in a shitty nation do shitty things??? Anyway, here's wonderwall...