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Art was always a very fun subject for me and I was quite good at it, I would spend hours upon hours invidiually painting seperate parts of my artwork each dedciated day, trying to perfect each brush strock and each colour to match, the more I started to notice colours didn't match, the theme of my artwork started expanding or even the slightest off putting arrangement I would go crazy, I would frustratedly sit staring at my artwork for hours on end and cry, this was one of them, this cactus was a genuine pain to paint and this photo was the moment I realised I didn't like the background of my painting and I wanted to restart all over again, to which I did, this was the very downfall of my perfectionism, the moment I began to lose my sense of self and acknowledge my skills and point out my weakenesses, focusing on them, rather than using my strengths.

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Eventually, I started doing ANYTHING, to get things perfect, even if it meant physically seeing the changes on my body, literally, here in this photo I used a different shade of red just to change the background of the painting and I was so scared I was going to waste another canvas instead of deciciding to paint a piece of paper, I painted my own hand, till this day I'm still baffled I even did this and I don't even remember taking this photo, matter of fact, when I was collecting data for this archive and I stumbled upon this photo it reponed this memory and I immediately was concerned for my mental health at the time. Despite it not being harmful I still found it obsurd to go out of my way to paint my hand just to check if a colour was right instead of just painting on a piece of paper.

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Eventually, my obession turned externally and I started taking photos of other artworks or sections of my classroom that I thought were appealing, and what I desired my artworks to look like, this photo specifically was one of them, I looked upon this photo and wished I could produce this many artworks, which sounded crazy, now that I'm thinking back to it, but me back then wish I could push myself to it's full limit, creating something as perfect as these artworks, now reflecting back upon these, I realise that I saw everything as perfect but my own work, which saddens me, because me now would realise how much effort I put in and would be proud regardless but because my hobby was was marked, I did everything in my power to WANT to perform at my highest level, but what was the point when I could point out was all my flaws but look upon everything else with envy. This emotional conflict I had with the world around me turned me pesismistic and made my perfectionism grow off anxiety and distrust for the future.

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Eventually I watched myself paint on myself more, as a way to remind myself to do better brush strokes and the colours I must blend to match the colours on my hands and arms so I could perfect my artworks, in a way, it was my way, I took these brush strokes as 'threats' to myself so I could make sure the paintings were all perfect. In this photo, I remember crying because I got so frustrated the colours didn't match the vision in my head I painted on myself again to remind myself on how to construct my artwork properly.

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I slowly watched my perfecionsim habits spread on to my friends, in this photo my friend asked me to see if this piece of cloth to her height, to which it wasn't and together had to cut it to be her exact height, she didn't want it to be any more or less, desite our art teaching telling us "you guys don't need to cut it out perfectly because this is just the layout, not the artwork itself". Reflecting back on this photo, I never realised how perfectionism began to infect my friends too, until I full realised now, this journey we all took togteher I guess in a way had the same effect on all of us.

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This obession of looking at other artworks, transfered to my friends and we began to start going to art galleries and looking at other artworks, to which we then compared to and we became disappointed in ourselves, we wanted more but couldn't give as much as professional artists, we got stuck in a little boat of being perfect and tired all in one. However, we could rely on each other for comfrot and trusted each others help, this was the hangout we began to trust each other and helped each other and gave each other advice for art, thus althought it was a moment of burnt out, it combinded elemnts of resilience and friendship, conveying that even though we were tired of our own artworks, we still wanted to see each other succeeed.

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One of the artworks I constantly asked feedback for my friends was, was this photo, I always asked how to make the hand and stem better as the flower itself was perfect but because I burnt out and lost trust self in my art process I lost my skills, my friends would always help me on this artwork, despite me being so burnt out and tired to which I greatly appreciate, this artwork is kinda ironic, as in this case I painted a flower being lit on fire, to which I guess I could use now as symbolism as my friends trying to ignite that passion for art for me again, helping me start that fire and continue that flame of motivation.

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However, despite all these hurdles made, there was one significant figure who always was out for everyone and me and that was my teacher, she was the one who bought our class together and wanted us to become stronger, to not only build up our hsc marks but also just to remain resilient. She was also one of the very few teacher's wh actually cared about our personal goals and not just critique our every move, in a sense I felt as if she willingly put herself in our shoes, and that's a big act to conduct, so I was always very grateful for her understanding. This photo was on her birthday when my class and I sacrificed the time for her instead of doing our major works for her, she was very appreciated by this and this effort made me realise how nice it feels to have genuine friends, a genuine support group in a hard time. Not ony does it bring a smile to people's face but it also allows for individuals to take a break from the mental stress such as burnt out and overwelming stress of perfecionism.

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Another element that made up our class was definetly food, food is genuine a time to connect with everyone and my teacher wouold always bring in snacks so for her birthday we all contributed as well and bought in food with all her favourites, this was the sort of friendship I admired and looked up to, so much so I forgot about the stress of year 12, and so did everyone else, my friends and I were happy to be seniors for once and we enjoyed the privilege of celebrating one last time together as class eating. At the end of this memory, I realised that whatever I went through my class would also experience, this interconnectedness made me realise this journey was made emotional and psychological and is so memorable because I experienced with so many people, not just myself.

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Another opporuntiy for me to unwind was when me and my friends did tiktoks together in the art rooms during our breaks, because I had to do my major work during lunch and recess, it was almost impossible for me to have fun, however, my friends would still find ways to come in a do silly things which I really appreciated, building up my motivation to want to do my major work, you can see my apron wasn't even on properly in the video, highlight I wasn't even willing to do the work in the first place, however my friend gave me that little push by coming back to me and having fun which made me feel like I could go back to completing my major work because at least throughout the day I experienced one fun activity and that was doing a dance with my friend.

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These cranes where a symbolic part of my Visual Arts journey, my friends (who didn't do visual arts) would always prepare paper cranes for us in class until we get to 1000 cranes, once we reach 1000 cranes we could make a wish, and they always said that their wish was for us to succeed. This really touched me and motivated me, as I saw it under a light that was "they are doing my visual arts Major work with me", because they've tasked themselves to craft 1000 paper cranes. My friend would always slot them into my blazer during school and I kept some of them, and I'm happy I did. I also never knew if we ever made it to 1000 cranes or not, I guess the journey of making cranes is still on going and maybe one day we will finish them.

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Eventually it came to do the day where I had to hand in my artwork, and although as you can see here my perferionism came out and I put exact measurements of my artworks and how to organise them, I felt motivated to do this acivity because I would be able to see my friends artworks and also just be fully done, this was a community deadline, where we could finally all celebrate and go back to having snacks during class and making weird dances and actually enjoying recess and lunch. This moment made me realise I was resilient of my burnt out, prefectionism and neglegence of mental health and still finished the task, thanks to my friends sticking by my side till the end (the deadline) and we could all finally celebrate together and in the best way possiible, never have to relive this memory again, which now reflecting upon it was what made it so special and so rememberable, because you could only live this memory once, with a select few of people, who can confirm they've lived that expierence with you. Hence, which is why I treasured friendship so much during this year.