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Some of the big ideas that I associated with the memoir is internal struggle, identity, and perspective. Throughout the memoir, the author (Jones) describes his life with his mother, and also speaks about the sexuality he struggles associating with himself. Jones speaks in a poetic and visual tone, which is apparent when he uses words that embellish the beauty of his mother, which shows how she plays a major role in his life. Jones also tends to come into conflict on his self-identity. He faces the possibility of being homosexual, and constantly thinks upon it; even going to the library to research other´s experiences. In his perspective, the word gay is not a common used word in his experience, which is why he was surprised when his mother brought it up. This tells readers that already at a young age of twelve, Jones is already exposed to the societal expectations of his community, which contrasts with his struggle to identify with something controversial. He even comes into realization of his underlying feelings of himself when his friend Cody called him a slur; which instead of being offended, he is relieved.

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In the memoir titled How We Fight For Our Lives by Saeed Jones, we get to see firsthand the internal struggles that Saeed went through in his developmental years when it came to coming to terms with his sexuality. Through memories of his past in Lewisville, Texas we see how slowly but surely Jones grows to realize the truth behind his sexual orientation. These memories are not all pertaining to the questioning he is going through but rather it encompasses the entirety of the way he lived his childhood. Memories drenched in vivid detail and sentences interwoven with something more than what is being said. Through his unfiltered and unwavering honesty the audience sees the reality of what truly occurred and was felt at that moment.

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So far the memoir, How we fight for our lives, has introduced us to his life and his feelings. Its starts off by him finding a picture of a man in one of his mothers books he shouldn't be reading; he's very fond of his mother, she's described like a goddess. His view of his mother makes me want to keep reading, he's very caring. Finding this picture is the start of his sort of embarrassment or secrecy with his curiosity. Soon later he learns the man was an old friend of of his mother who had killed himself because of aids. This idea was foreign to him, he'd never heard the word gay. His curiosity leads to a library where he carefully reads about "the sociology of boys". During the time spent with his friends he finds longing for wanting time with Cody, however, Cody doesn't seem like the best character. This makes me nervous for what's to come later in the book. Will Cody reject him and judge him?

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After I continued reading from where I last left off I've learned that Saeed has now one, found his sexuality and expresses it; two, he now uses that to struggle in finding his identity and differentiating the correlation between sexuality and who he is as a person. At this point in the book he has started experimenting more as well as starting his college life. In college he gets to live a new lifestyle away from home, including his mother, but still faces internal struggles within the way he portrays himself. Conflict with Human vs Society effects Saeed however once he gets to college he feels more open and accepting. Unfortunately this feeling regresses when he decides to come out to his mother over the phone. Essentially the main conflict is Human vs Self, Saeed doesn't know who he is. He's on a mission to find that out but during that mission he turns to what he does know, his sexuality and uses that to create his identity which he isn't fully sure of yet because of what society throws at him. Although his mother didn't say any words of disagreement when Saeed came out, her response was short and circumvent making Saeed want to crawl back into a hole of hiding who he is. After all Saeed said himself, "I had come out to my mother as a gay man, but within minutes, I realized I had not come out to her as myself."

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Throughout the beginning of How we fight for our lives Saeed is developing his emotions and feelings on his sexual orientation. He begins explaining and showing some instances in which he suppressed his feelings. Like the play boy magazine trading. Or when his grandmother found his book. This is where he is developing what he wants and slowly preparing himself to tell his loved ones about a part of him. He is giving us the readers an insight into his development and through process. As well as feelings and emotions. I’m order to better understand what he is going through.

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Continuing the book the author of the memoir, Saeed, is still giving the story of his development. He is in a constant battle with himself and trying to control all of his thoughts and feelings. To start he faces human vs. self. Where is suppressing his feelings and attempting to understand everything going on in his mind. Continuing is human vs. Society, in which Saeed lives in a very homophobic space, like his grandmother. As well as the expectation to not like the same sex. Human vs. nature, Saeed is giving the background of his family’s religion. His mother is Buddhist and his grandmother and uncle are Christian. This created a barrier with himself and religion.

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Picking up from the last chapter, Saeed starts to progress more through his life as he starts going to college and seeking out his sexuality and identity. Saeed comes out to his mother who appears to be acceptable to him at first, but when confronting her about it, she tends to hold back.
The conflicts brought during these chapters were Human vs Self and Human vs Society. During this point of the book, Saeed has been struggling to find his self-identity and separate it from his sexuality. Saeed thought being gay was his self-identity. but it wasn´t until coming out to his mom on the phone that he hasn´t really found himself apart from his sexuality. This continues Saeed´s internal struggle conflict because now his dilemma is finding himself, which may be more difficult.

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2/22 Conflict (synopsis of what ive read since my last post+ start discussing the conflicts) 

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2/22 Conflict (synopsis of what ive read since my last post+ start discussing the conflicts) 

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In the memoir titled How We Fight For Our Lives, Saeed Jones walks us through his life in increments differentiated by years in his time living. Slowly growing as we read on, from prepubescence to late teens to mid-twenties Saeed encounters a number of people whom he passes by but never quite keeps in his life besides his mother and grandmother who are the only true permanent 'characters' in his life. Throughout this memoir, it is clear that the main conflict is internal and resonates with him primarily. From the anecdotes of him feeling shame at the age of twelve to the later anecdotes of him in his college years still feeling that same shame in just a different form, it is seen that Saeed struggled within himself than with anything else. This 'man vs self' narrative could have derived from the societal oppressions to which he witnessed one too many times to have walked away unaffected. The strictly implemented toxic expectations of what it is to be a black man in America along with the misconstrued stereotypes of gay men plus many other factors such as unbridled hate towards minorities, courtesy of society, played a large part in the reoccurring internal conflict Jones so constantly goes through in this novel. His mother and grandmother both feed into the hate he has for himself, whether it be intentional or not. The mother who he adores wholeheartedly makes him feel unworthy and inadequate simply because she is his mother and he is her son. Constantly bombarded by what he lacked and what he could have done better. While with his grandmother she instilled this notion that who he was, was wrong entirely. Summers of attempting to pray away whatever was deemed as incorrect in the eyes of his grandmother all drilled into his developing mind later leading to his confusing and self-inflicted torture cycle in which he never quite knew what he really felt. Anger and uncertainty simmered for so many years just to slowly erupt in bursts of bad habits and panic attacks.

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Continuing from our last book club reading, Saeed has started to involve himself in various relationships, most of which are sexual. The men Saeed sleeps with are racially abusive towards him, fetishizes and calls him racial slurs, and one even starts to beat him. Through writing, however, Saeed expresses what he went through and eventually uses words to convey the traumatic experiences. After finishing his education, Saeed eventually gets a job as a teacher who teaches creative writing. Following the death of his mother, he moves to Harlem to become a full-time writer, and he also decides to visit Barcelona. Saeed is in a vulnerable state as he struggles with mental health issues such as depression and suicidal thoughts. But in the end, he meets a woman named Ester who also lost her mother, with who he develops a friendship, and helps him realize that they met due to their mothers.

Saeed́´s mother, Carol Sweet-Jones tends to contradict herself whenever it comes to facing terms of Saeed́´s sexuality. In the novel, Saeed calls his mother over the phone and admits to her that he is gay, to which she replies,"...you sound happy. If yoú´re happy, I´m happy." Although this is what she states over the phone, later on, she finds difficulty facing the fact when she comes face-to-face with Saeed. When Saeed visits his mother one day, he makes a joke about his motheŕ´s suitor accepting him as gay, in which his mother avoids the joke. Saeed decides not to push further and says it́s not something his mom would want to continue talking about. Although Carol says she supports him, she has a hard time solidifying the sexuality of her son and facing the facts. Most likely due to her mother´s religious background and keeping gay as a foreign term in her household, Carol has a harder time coming into the realization that her son is gay, and her actions contradict what she states.

The protagonist, Saeed often questions himself and the world around him in the novel. In one chapter of the novel, teenage Saeed is faced with the choice of indulging in a sexual act with a grown man in a library bathroom or walking the other way. Saeed struggled with his sexuality and often had to research it in private to satisfy his curiosity. But as he is faced with an opportunity to explore his desires in real life, he has difficulty in choosing what to do. Committing to a sexual at as a minor is illegal, but Saeed has kept his desires hidden for very long and has had no way to explore them. This shows readers that Saeed is a person to acts upon his desires rather than thinking rationally about the morality and consequences of his actions. Saeed chooses to risk his body to answer questions about himself he has been hiding for a while, so once he saw the opportunity arises, he decided to take it. This conflict with himself causes him to commit to irrational decision-making to pursue what he has been keeping to himself.

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In the memoir titled How We Fight For Our Lives , Saeed goes through many ups and downs emotionally. Since the last time, our book club met I have finished the book.  He is still struggling to figure himself out even in adulthood and it is clearly seen in the way he writes and chooses the memories he shared in his memoir. The most monumental of the moments he goes through is losing his mother. He ends the book on a note that connects to the loss he was experiencing at the time.
Saeed continues to sleep with numerous men throughout his college life. He is open about it and his friends know that he does so regularly. To his friends, this is mistaken as pride for how he identifies sexually yet this could not be further from the truth. Saeed uses sleeping with men in order to numb himself from any other negative emotions that threaten to invade his mind. He uses men's bodies to distract himself from the sadness, shame, anger, hatred, etc. he feels towards himself. His actions contradict how he truly feels since the reason for these emotions are due to the fact that he feels attraction towards men, to begin with. You would think these negative thoughts would steer him away from interacting with men in this way. “I buried myself in bodies of other men so I could feel something other than the depression that was rolling in like a fog bank.” Saeed’s poor state of mind is reflected in his self destructive behavior that slowly chips away at his well being.
One tough question that Saeed brought up towards the end of the book were his what if questions. In chapter 20 he receives the life insurance check after his mother’s passing and crumbles at the fact of what could have been done different. This chapter is him thinking of his past and really tells the audience just how regretful he is. He had always struggled with the feeling that his mother deserved more than he could give and chapter 20 is the precipice of it all. All the regret and sadness he felt throughout his life towards ‘not being a good enough son’ for his mother resurfaces and brings him to his knees in tears. This tells us that as a person Saeed is not someone who lets go of his mistakes easily and he struggles to move on in life without the guilt and negative emotions affecting him heavily.

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Since the last book club, Saeed has evolved but he is still struggling internally. He has this constant echo in his mind pressuring about being gay. He is in conflict of whether or not he should embrace it or hide it. It seems as though he is never happy, because of the pressure society is putting on him. That being gay is wrong when in reality it’s not.

Like I mentioned before Saeed is mentioning the fact that being gay is not right. Especially since where he is at in his life it is not acceptable and it is considered and something so negative. This contradicts that I know that being gay is ok and should not make him feel bad.

One of the tough questions/ moments he had was in chapter six where he stated, “ being black can get you killed. Being gay can get you killed. Being a black gay boy is a death wish.” This is relevant because we can see that Saeed is dealing with large internal issues. He has two things that are on his mind and to him both combined are completely terrible. So we can only see how much all of this is making him struggle within himself.

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2/25 Character contradictions and tough questions 

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2/25 Character contradictions and tough questions 

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Picking up from our last book club reading, Saeed continues to meet with men and involve himself multiple times with a few however now he faces racism from the people he sees. Although the men engage in and are accepting of these sexual acts with Saeed, they show their racist demeanor through yelling racial slurs and at one point even getting physically violent. There's a time where Saeed is with a man from college but the night ends with Saeed getting beaten up due to the man's hidden feelings. In addition, Saeed also visits his mother during the summer, there he helps her move into a new apartment. Their mother and son relationship tends to turn rather awkward because now his mother is aware that Saeed is gay and the moments they spend together are maneuvered in a way to not make each other uncomfortable.

A character in the novel that is seen contradicting what they say is Saeeds mother. When Saeed comes out to her she isn't the most forward with how she feels about it. She calls him later to say she loves him and also mentions to Saeed, "If you're happy, I'm happy". In the beginning of the novel it is Saeed who expresses how the the word gay is foreign him, but it has now shifted to the word being foreign for Saeeds mother. Her mother is religious and opposes homosexuality so that is reflected on her and her morals as she tries to put that past her in accepting her son. When Saeed visits his mom he mentions an ex boyfriend and she instantly freezes. I think this whole moment between them makes her sons preference more real to her and it doesn't  necessarily scare her but she doesn't fully understand how to feel. She says I love you however the topic of Saeed being gay remains unspoken of due to her pending feelings about having a gay son.

I believe throughout the whole novel the protagonist, Saeed, poses the tough question of who he is or who he wants to be. This memoir discusses the choices he's made that lead to these questions; choices he made as a kid, choosing who he wants to see, and continuing to choose how to live his life. It is through his actions that we see his growth or regression. A chapter can have a positive ending, like Saeed finally feeling like himself in college, but the next chapter can end in a sad state because of Saeeds feeling to hide his sexuality. Saeed is conflicted with himself and we can see that as we read.

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The memoir How We Fight For Our Lives by Saeed Jones continues with Saeed́ś mom being admitted to the hospital. Saeed́ś emotional health plunges, for the daunting feeling of not being able to say goodbye to his mother lingers throughout his mind. Even when he moves to Barcelona, he has nightmares about her, in which he hurts her. At the end of the memoir, he concludes his thoughts with a realization that he is not alone, and his mother is what brought him to the life he lives in now.

One specific scene from How We Fight For Our Lives, a 2019 memoir by Saeed Jones that I resonate with the song “Ship in a Bottle” by Fin Argus is in chapter 15, where Saeed and his hook-up Daniel end up in a physical fight. The specific section of the song I resonate with this scene is:

“No one on the deck who can help you
This is all your own battle to win
This is your ship and you are the captain

Oh, captain, let's make a deal
Where we both say the things that we both really feel
I feel scared and I'm starting to sink
And I only sink deeper the deeper I think”

This section talks about being alone is the vessel of your own body, and how you have to manage problems yourself. It also talks about expressing feelings that yoúve been hiding from yourself, and if you do it only makes you sink deeper into the dilemmas of your problems. The reason why I connect this stanza with the physical fight with Daniel is because Daniel and Saeed release many internal turmoil they felt. After the interrupted oral sex that Daniel was giving to Saeed due to Daniel punching him, he repeated the lines “Youŕe already dead,” and “I´m so evil,” in which Saeed describes him sounding like he was underwater feeling fearful and distraught. As Daniel thinks deeper into his actions, he starts to sink deeper into the only way he can suppress thought thoughts on his sexuality, which is through violence. This is why I connect the lines “This is all your own battle to win,” and “Where we both say the things that we both really feel, I feel scared and I'm starting to sink, And I only sink deeper the deeper I think,” because he starts to feel broken as his actions go against the social expectation of being straight, which results in him confusing himself and turning his confusion into physical anger, for he cannot follow the expectations of society.

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The memoir How We Fight For Our Lives by Saeed Jones, Saeed goes through many ups and downs emotionally. Since the last time, our book club met I have finished the book.  He is still struggling to figure himself out even in adulthood and it is clearly seen in the way he writes and chooses the memories he shared in his memoir. The most monumental of the moments he goes through is losing his mother. He ends the book on a note that connects to the loss he was experiencing at the time.

The closing scene of the book where Saeed sits on the beach with a stranger reminiscing on memories of his mother reminded me of the song "I'll Never Forget The Time I  Spent with You" by The Lathums.
I'll Never Forget The Time I Spent With You - YouTube

Of all the places I'm going
Of all the places I've been
Without you, my experience just wouldn't have been the same
All of my memories, they will come and go
But one thing that will not fade is something I know
I won't forget the time I spent with you

...
I'll count all of my blessings
I'll be thankful forevеrmore
The honour, the pridе, the privilege to have known you, my love
I don't know where we are going and it will be scary along the way
But I've got you to watch me grow and we'll both know

This song is about remembering the past you have spent with someone important to you. It declares the emotion behind the memories you have with that person. This song initially came to mind because of the soft guitar that I personally feel goes with the tone of the scene which is sad but not heavy. The song along with the closing scene radiate the same energy, both have a farewell feeling behind them. Both are a form of good buy to a loved one that is no longer with them.

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Carrying off from what was last read, Saeed Jones, in his memoir How We Fight For Our Lives, goes through the troubles of his mothers death and how he continued his life after. He discusses how he'll always remember his mom and she continues to stay in his mind, leaving his feelings low. Saeed, now living in Barcelona, meets an older women who's mother also passed away. Saeed ends his memoir with the realization that the life he lives is because of his mother. Of course he's here because of his mother, but her influence is what had a greater impact.

A scene in the book that I believe parallels to “Sadderdaze”, a song by the Neighbourhood, is when Saeed gets off the phone with his mom after he came out to her.  (Chapter 11)

"Saturdays are not the same as they used to be
Sadder days, why do they keep on using me?
They keep on using me"

"Finally he found a way to reach the sky
But he didn't know what he'd find"

In this scene Saeed decides to come out to his mother over the phone. First she questioned if he was sure of his sexuality, but then later in the day she called to say she loves him. Saeeds feeling after this are what important. Although he was glad he told his mom, the moment didn't feel right. His mother words were still lingering in his head. The song chosen is about the hardships a singer is facing when starting his career and his new celebrity lifestyle. The song casts how these hardships “Keep using me” as a way to employ that they never end. He faces a cycle of tough moments he doesn’t understand. Essentially, the narrator is saying this singer doesn't know why life throws curveballs repeatedly. This song and this scene connect to each other because of Saeeds relapse with his feelings of acceptance and happiness. The previous chapter ended with him feeling accepted and aware of who he is when in college but soon ended later once he comes out to his mother. Her hesitant response makes me feel hidden again; Saeed says he feels like he’s come out as a gay man and didn’t come out to his mother as himself.