# data[].attributes.body
INTRO:

Over the past few decades, the main purpose of marriage has shifted its core centre. Perceptions of marriage have changed mostly among the younger generations. Starting a family, giving birth and the raising of children used to be what marriage entails, and it has been changed to the yearning of companionship, a partner who will always be there for you and not for the children anymore. The change in the perception may be due to factors such as globalisation and the changing of the mind-sets of the younger generations today. It may also be due to the cost of rearing a child today, which has been increasing all over the world over the past few decades as the world’s economy boomed. Singapore has seen strong economic growth along with most of the countries in the world and the standard of living has also risen.After all, it is the youngster’s mind-sets that matters as they will be the ones getting married, even though the younger generations will still take in mind their parents and grandparents view on marriage as a form of filial respect.  Hence, marriage is not viewed as necessary in my society today even though the younger generations may marry because of their older generations’ view on the importance of marriage.
Your stand can be still be clearer because you state a reason for your balance but not for your stand.

# data[].attributes.body
Introduction :

Education is a powerful driver of development, reducing poverty, improving health and stability of a country. Education can be categorized into two types, the informal and the formal education. Informal education comprises of tuition and lessons learnt outside of a normal school system while formal education is about having a fixed structure of school based lessons, equipping us with basic skills and knowledge to integrate well into the society. It is these knowledge and skills that we picked up through education that would lead us to the road of success. In our society, one is deemed successful when he or she has the 5 c, credit cards, cash, cars, condos and clubs. Through education, there is a higher possibility to be successful in life. However, i personally feel that without formal education, being successful in life is still possible.

Your intro looks good but you need to show your interpretation of success with more breadth such as career, happiness, charity etc. Without that interpretation it may seem limited.

Worst paragraph:T.s:

Success in life is possible without formal education.(OV) Success in life is often said to be impossible without a systematic school based lesson. Formal education has often been said to equip us humans with the basic skills and knowledge to function optimally and integrate well into the society. It also prepares us for the workforce of the future. Through formal education, we also learn to appreciate and increase our passion for learning and these would bring us far in life. (S) Success in life is still possible without formal education. There are many notable people who did not complete their formal education and yet, still successful in life. *(you have not given your interpretation of success - is this career?) For example, Bill Gates, founder of the software giant Microsoft, and the wealthiest person in the world, dropped out of Harvard in his freshman year.  His incredible rise to prominence in the computer industry is testimony to the fact that formal education is not synonymous with success. Instead of formal education, he pursued his interest after school by studying the BASIC language from a manual with his friend Paul Allen, helping a local company debug its computers, and designing computer programs. Another example is Albert Einstein who is a  Nobel Prize-winning physicist; "Time" magazine's "Man of the Century" (20th century) , dropped out of high school and he studied on his own and passed the entrance exam on his second try to the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology. These people have shown that without formal education, there are still chances of being successful in life. Through informal education, combined with innovation, creativity and determination, being successful is not an issue.

Comments: Your point is accurate but not precise as you have not defined the success bit. Your examples are ok. But point to note that they did have some form of formal education at the end so you need to be aware of that.

# data[].attributes.body
Introduction

Science is all around us. Man has been manipulating science since its early discoveries. By manipulating them, man are *is able improve their lives as science has provided us with many instant gratifications like warmth, light, food, clean water and other basic necessities of life. Without science, we will be living in the stone age, creating fire from sparks using rocks, communication would not be advanced and many problems in life cannot be solved. Thus, it is necessary for science to exist. While, the majority believes that science has indeed made our lives better, there is still a possibility that science has in fact affect our way of life.

Intro is somewhat ok but the scope is not there and the balance is also not clear.

Worst paragraph (Body 2)

Secondly, in search for substitutes of energy resource, scientist discovered that nuclear energy are *is able to yield for energy than other alternatives. This results in more countries using nuclear energy. Thus, science has helped us improve the standard of energy distribution. However, we must not overlook the effects of nuclear energy. Nuclear energy, if disposed wrongly, could cause a detrimental effect on the environment and the society. Therefore, nuclear plants are extremely vulnerable and the location of these plants must be strategically placed in the country. In Japan, where the plants are placed near the coast, an unexpected tsunami caused the plant to meltdown due to the sheer force of the impact. The meltdown caused environmental impacts and the coast next to it was severely affected. As these nuclear waste flows into the sea, clearing it up would be troublesome. Moreover, marine lives would be affected as well. The extent of damage has also affected man even though they were not present at the crash site. As manpower is needed for the clear up, some people sacrificed themselves. This would be unnecessary if the state does not use nuclear energy. However, due to the reliance on technology and high yielding power, the state has overlook matters that they could not expect. Thus, science is not entirely beneficial to the progress of Man's life.

The argument is ok but you should try to address the question more precisely by going back to the argument that it Science is meant to make things better but.....

# data[].attributes.body
Intro:

To a large extent, the internet has replaced the book nowadays because majority of the people have access to the internet at the tip of their fingers. *(not a valid claim -just because they have easy access, it does not mean the internet has replaced the book) Many would rather use the internet as a source of information than finding a book just to gain access to information on the same subject or matter. While both the internet and book provides the same purpose of providing information and knowledge, the internet is more efficient in terms of gathering information quickly whereas gathering information from the book takes time. However, information found in a book is more reliable than the formation found on the internet as it provides a more in-depth knowledge of a particular subject or matter and are usually written by people with experience such as doctors, lawyers and other professionals. Therefore the book has not been entirely replaced by the internet.

One should not start the intro with your stand. I have not taught you that. You need to understand the features of the intro because what I see here is an argument rather than an intro.

Body:

many have considered the book a more useful source of information than the internet. This is because information on the internet could be written by anybody and it may not necessarily be true or correct information! For instance, when "Al-Qaeda" leader , Osama Bin Laden, was killed by US marines, many false reports of how the killing took places *d were uploaded over *to the internet. in some reports stated that Osama used his wife as a human shield while others say he fought back.many versions of the story got many people confused, that is,until the book, written by the US marine himself, was published about what really happened. many people then turned away from the internet *it is not because of this that many turned away from the internet right?? and instead, bought his book which sold hundreds of thousands of copies around the world. This shows that the book has not been entirely replaced as peopls still relied *rely on the book for information with greater detail and reliability.

# data[].attributes.body
Introduction

Education is more than reading, writing, and arithmetic. It is one of the most important investments a country can make in its people and its future and is critical to reducing poverty and inequality. Education can be categorised into formal and informal education. Formal education is having a fixed structure of school based lessons while informal education is a general term for education conducted outside the standard school setting. Well, aside from having a better future, education also gives you something to be proud of, because education is the only one thing that cannot be stolen, it cannot be taken away from you. My own belief is not possible without formal education because formal education sets the foundation for any form of success to be materialised. (awkward phrasing)

You have not provided interpretation/definition of SUCCESS. Your issues then lack Breadth.

Lousy Paragraph
Formal education gives us a guiding compass and a direction in life. When we have a purpose in life, we are less likely to be goofing around (slang) and are able to have a brighter future, career and pride. Education gives you the ability to change your life by opening doors of opportunity. Without education, you do not have the ability to help yourself, let alone others. Formal education provides a rigour curriculum such as drilling the necessary academic skills in their students. Though most of the things we learn in school may not be for practical use in the future, it however does help train our mind to think critically which indirectly contributes to our success.

What kind of success are you referring to? Career advancement? Happiness? Financial stability? Without a proper ref to success, you cannot have a proper argument!!

# data[].attributes.body
9) Science has made our lives better. Discuss.

INTRODUCTION

With the rapid development in the 21st century, many scientific discoveries were made and technologies were created to facilitate the lives of man. Science is seen to benefit us as reflected in the development of genetic technology, transport technologies and the intellectual skills we attain from studying it. Science has made great progress in every aspect. More wonderful machines invented by scientists have rendered a man’s life much easier and more comfortable.(there is no link here-you say Science is good and then Science is bad) I do concede that science is capable of bringing disadvantages to our lives as it has led to man being lazier and leads to health risks. However, overall, I believe that Science has brought about more benefits than disadvantages as it provides us with a better quality of life, easier modes of transportation and faster communication between man.
Comments: Your interpretation shows that Science is positive which then makes your OV disjointed. You should also highlight that despite the fact that Science can has made lives worse, the negative elements stilloutweigh the positive ones.

BODY PARAGRAPH 3

Thirdly, with regard to the wonderful invention of science, communication between man has become faster and more accessible. In less than two decades, the development of technology like wireless internet, text messaging and smartphones have wildly transformed the way people connect with each other. Science makes it easier for people ,who are increasingly physically isolated from friends and family due to distance or finances, to stay in touch. Instead of taking the time to write and mail a letter, one can simply communicate by sending a simple Facebook comment.According to the Pew Research Center, social networking among people between the ages of 18 and 29 has increased from nine percent in 2005 to 92 percent in 2012. Since 2006, the numbers have been rising steadily for all age groups, making it increasingly easier to communicate.In an era when time is money, technology helps businesses improve communication with customers. In most cases, customers no longer have to trek to a store or spend hours on hold to get an answer to a question or complaint. They can send an email, search an online database or exchange instant messages with an employee. According to Inc. magazine, technology like customer relationship management software helps with data management, so companies of all sizes can tailor their communication approach. Thus, Science has brought about faster communication between man, making our lives better and more convenient.
Para looks ok but there must be a Rebuttal to support your stand.

# data[].attributes.headline
Elizabeth (There is no value in watching television. Do you agree?)

# data[].attributes.subject
Elizabeth (There is no value in watching television. Do you agree?)

# data[].attributes.body
CORRECTIONS (For some reason, I can't edit it on my original post)

Introduction:

The average American
over the age of 2 spends more than 34 hours a week watching live television,
says a new Nielsen report. Watching television is part of
entertainment which we value greatly in our modern society. It brings us joy,
laughter and company when we are bored or in need of some cheering up. It is
especially needed in today’s society as our lives are busier and it is a
convenient way of relaxation. Some people may argue that there is no
value in watching television because any content can be broadcasted and it may
bring harm to the viewers. However, I believe that there is value
in watching television because it educates us, brings us entertainment and
keeps us updated on the issues happening around the world.

INtro is fine except that you need a link from your intro device to your second sentence.

Worst paragraph (Body 2):

Secondly, viewing television
programmes is a form of education, especially for teenagers who spend a lot of
time watching television. There are many channels of education such as
Discovery Channel, National Geographic Wild and Animal Planet, where they
provide much insight on nature that we do not learn so much in school. Watching
them is a better and more preferred choice then reading it up from books and
the internet. Some people argue that watching television has no significance as

the shows are mainly meant for entertainment purposes. (if this is the only balance you are providing, it is rather short. You need to expand on it.) However, I am inclined to view from the point that watching
television provides a form of education. Such an example would be children
television programmes (state the examples - Sesame Street or any other educational programmes) where there is always a lesson to be learnt from the
show. As the programmes are meant for children, apart from the entertainment
value it gives, they should be exemplary lessons in life. As children watch a
lot of television, they will follow and even learn from the shows they watch.
Incorporating education in them would be beneficial to the children and thus
there certainly is value in watching television.

# data[].attributes.headline
JINGYI (SCIENCE HAS MADE OUR LIVES BETTER. DISCUSS) 

# data[].attributes.subject
JINGYI (SCIENCE HAS MADE OUR LIVES BETTER. DISCUSS) 

# data[].attributes.body
Intro: Pretty okay, had a grammatic error (accuracy)

Body 1: (Dong) P: Clarity is a problem. E: Accuracy in terms of language errors is still a problem. E: Lack of depth. Lack of solid examples.

Body2: P: (Ding) Clarity is a problem as "the sentence makes no sense" E:Lack depth and language errors are increasing. E: Examples are not too strong. (Dong) P: Seems to be okay, although the sentence is a bit too long. E: Lack depth, under-develop E: The examples should be more precise (precision) R: Weak link (precision and clarity)

Body3: (Ding) P: Same problem with Clarity E: Language problem is even more serious here. Depth seems to be okay E: Choice of word is wrong : " Defective babies" Precision and Clarity problem R: Expression problem according to the marker.

(Dong) P: seems to be okay but should be more precise and accurate in terms of the choice of words used. E: The elaboration is seemingly informal E: "Very Singapore-specific phrasing" according to the marker R: Not a very powerful ending to wrap up the point.

Body 4: P: Same problem with the first two body paragraph (Clarity) The phrasing is really problematic E: Insufficient (Depth) and not well developed (breadth) E: Expression problem( Precision) , Examples given are full of Grammatic errors accuracy is very serious problem in this body paragraph R: Not a powerful statement to relitate the point.

Conclusion: The essay is very disjointed and the conclusion fails to sum it all up and make the marker understand my viewpoint

CORRECTIONS :

We are very fortunate to be living in the 21St century where science has played a major part in our lives. Science does not necessarily refer simply to the subject we study in school. Science can be in the form of medical science, environmental science, engineering science and food science. Many have argued that science brought about a lot of pressing problems which affects our lives in a negative way, However, I believe that science has improved our lives as well as our standards of living allowing us to live more comfortably

Comments: As I said that your definition of science is awkward....you should have changed it.

Body Paragraph corrections :

In the eyes of many, science in the form of engineering creates weapons
which is believed to be the source of pain, death and massive destructions.
These made our lives, as compared to the past, diffcult. It is true that
weapons have caused massive destructions especially since the birth of nuclear
weapons. As seen from World War II, nuclear bombing of Hiroshima
and Nagasakiin Japankilling
90,000–166,000 people in Hiroshima and 60,000–80,000 in Nagasaki. On top of
that, nuclear bomb have also lead to a series of aftermath health issues. From
1950 to 2000, 46% of leukaemia deaths and 11% of solid cancer deaths among the bomb survivors were due to radiation from the bombs. It is no doubt that many would
feel strongly against weapons manufacturing. However, I disagree that the
weapon manufacturing from engineering science industry will only bring about
sufferings and deaths. I feel that through manufacturing of weapons, our lives
have improved. This is because manufacturing of weapons will make mean that
countries are mores capable of protecting their homeland, their freedom and
their people from intruders. For example, during the World War II, Singapore is
unable to protect itself from the Japanese occupation due to the lack of proper
weapons. As result, Japanese ruled Singapore for about three years. During
these three years, Singapore and it’s people were put through a rough time. This
shows that with the inventions and constant improvements of weapons, our lives
will be made better. This is because we are able to defend ourselves from
external threats and rid the thoughts of being invaded and taken over by
another country.

Comments: The phrase 'science in the form of engineering' is awkward....use 'science in the form that creates weapons technology...'The use of Singapore as an example is that strong as the British has weapons but the Japanese army was too strong for them. Need to use another example.

# data[].attributes.headline
tomoe(science has made our lives better. discuss) 

# data[].attributes.subject
tomoe(science has made our lives better. discuss) 

# data[].attributes.body
INTRO:
question interpretation: many grammar errors. do not have any stand. scope wasn't clear (clarity)
body 1(ding)
P: topic sentence was very vague (precision)
E: expression was very bad(clarity)
E: examples were too exaggerated (clarity)
R: relevant to the question.
(dong)
P: addresses the question(clarity)
E: elaboration was too little (depth), expression was not good(clarity)
E: specific examples to support my point (precision)
R: has link to the question.
BODY 2: (ding)
P: does not say how has my point made our lives better(clarity)
E: elaborates the points well
E: no examples(depth)
R: weak link(clarity)
(dong)
P: addresses the question well (relevance)
E: sufficient elaboration
E: examples are not detailed enough to convince the markers (precision)
R: link was not bad with one spelling error
BODY 3
(ding)
P: has link to the question(relevance)
E: elaboration with ticks from the markers only
E: no examples
R: relevant to the question
(dong)
P: links to the question (relevance, breath)
E: elaboration with many expression errors (clarity)
E: examples was vague and marker wrote a comment saying that my evidence was not convincing- i kept using "a research have shown that"(precision)
R: have link to the question
BODY 4
(dong)
P: point was very weak... almost irrelevant
E+E+R: since the point was very weak, marker did not mark it at all D:
CONCLUSION:
reiterated my stand. NOT MEMORABLE. no impact at all.
marked down because i was not specific with my data. T^T

CORRECTION:
(intro)
as years go by, science had advanced at such an unprecedented rate that scientists and technocrats from the past did not predict that science would be this advanced in this current century. it have been made possible by science for human to create gadgets with multi functions such as the light and thin (innovative smart phones) hand phones and the television that can display all sorts of colors and visuals in high definition (should highlight that it is possible to surf on TV now). it is very much true that science had made things more comfortable, convenient and luxurious by having humans to have easy access to the wireless communication system and having a mode of transport that can allow one to travel over a long distance in a short time. however, i feel that science has caused health and environmental problems.(need to state your reasons) in addition, science can feed on greed, posting more harm to the people. (this sentence is vague)
(worst body paragraph)
initially, weapons were created for defense against enemies.(I'm not sure about this thought) however, when these deadly weapons fall into the wrong hands, these cold hearted people will take advantage of the power that the weapon pose. with a deadly weapon in possession, some people would threaten the others, when they feel inferior and angry. this leads to irrational action. according to the report from the liberty county sheriff's office,(In Bristol, England) a bristol woman, mary bowen,allegedly went to her ex-boyfriend’s home, grabbed his rifle and threatened to shoot them both. in addition, weapons can cause tension between parties.(Should use an example of a country and argued about the use of nuclear weapons as a point) according to the washington times,(You do not need to state the source) Earlier this year, the north korea had threatened the united states that they will launch nuclear missiles as a warning on april 4 this year. this has heightened the tension between the two countries. thus, weapons have brought great fear to the people and the memory of this fear is hard to erase. in addition, the weapons can cause further dispute between parties.

Comments: Tomoe what happened to all your capital letters?? You need to work on your phrasing as this will bring down your Language mark as well as not making your argument coherent. Pls read essay samples to see how to link from one point to the other.

# data[].attributes.headline
Johann(The disabled are neglected in Singapore. To what extent do you agree?)

# data[].attributes.subject
Johann(The disabled are neglected in Singapore. To what extent do you agree?)

# data[].attributes.body
Intro Question Interpretation - I was able to understand most of the question, answering to both forms of disabled people, physically and mentally(Accuracy) My balance was ok but i lacked details(precision) Could have provided more scope, but lacked content(Breadth)

Body 1(DING)(DONG)

P Need to expand on the ov (Depth)

E supports the topic sentence, not well elaborated(relevant, breadth)

E Valid example, but lacking in details(precision)

R Linked back to question, however repeated certain words in question

Body 2(DINGDONG)

P Unclear, failed to answer directly to question(Clarity)

E Elaborates and develops on the idea, however point is confusing and unclear(Clarity,breadth)

E Valid example, but lacking in details(Precision)

R Linked back to Question,used same words from question

Body 3(DINGDONG)

P Balance is ok

E Not well explained and developed(Precision,Clarity)

E Lacked examples, did not have much content,details(Precision,breadth)

R Reiterated the question, did not paraphrase

Conclusion

TS contradicted my earlier arguments

Did not create a lasting effect on the reader

Corrections

Intro

Be it due to unfortunate accidents or circumstances, there are bound to be disabled people in our community. In Singapore, both mentally and physically disabled people make up only a minor percentage of our population. (You can't conclude with the claim as you have not shown any point to lead to such an assumption - you can state 'Due to their low numbers, one can assume.....)Hence, some people may feel that the disabled are disregarded in Singapore due to their lack of interaction and understanding of the disabled community in their daily lives. However, I feel that efforts (more details) have been made by both the government and community in helping to create a more inclusive environment for the disabled community in Singapore.

Body

Secondly, with reference to (just state 'education') educating Singapore's population, some people may feel that the disabled are being neglected. This can be attributed to the fact that the disabled go to different schools and the syllabuses they learn there are separate and different from those of a conventional school that ordinary students attend. As such, they are being neglected as they may lose out to their peers as the syllabuses the disabled are taught are not as good as those ordinary students learn. (Not valid as they have different syllabus to cater to their needs) Although such claims have some truth in them, I feel that it can also be beneficial to the disabled. Even though they may face more difficulties in learning, the different schools set up cater to their disabilities accordingly and these include schools such as Pathlight and schools for the deaf and blind. The techniques used within these schools differ from those used in conventional schools and they do not focus as much on academic results but rather on practical and moral skills for their daily lives. Hence, the disabled in Singapore will be able to attain these valuable social skills and qualities which are just as or even more important than knowledge. Therefore, the disabled are not disregarded in Singapore in terms of education and a more inclusive environment is created for them.

Comments: OV is weak as the point is already weak - should use another point

# data[].attributes.headline
Siobhan (Science has made our lives better. Discuss.)

# data[].attributes.subject
Siobhan (Science has made our lives better. Discuss.)

# data[].attributes.body
Intro Question interpretation: Was quite okay. Mixing up science with technology (accuracy). Some difficulty with expressing my sentences. (Clarity). Could've gave more scope. (breadth)

Body 1 (Ding) P: Relevant to the question but not enough explanation. (Precision) E: Not developed enough(depth) E: Not enough examples. Examples not quite related to stand. (accuracy, clarity)

(Dong) P:  Demonstrated by a very simple example. Not quite sufficient.(precision&breadth)

Body 2 (Ding) P: Was relevant E:Underdeveloped E: Need more specific examples R: Relevant to question.

(Dong) P:Need more explanation E: Irrelevant elaboration to the question (relevance) E: Generic and example R: Relevant to question

Body 3/4(Ding) P: Need more elaboration E: Elaboration could be longer E: Need more specific example R: Relevant to question

3/4(Dong) : Repetitive, P: Need more elaboration E: not enough E:need to be more specific R: Relevant

Conclusion: Not impactfull enough and very generic

Corrections:

Secondly through science, we had have discovered bio-engineering, which plays a huge part in our lives. (Explain how).Some people may argue that science has made our lives more difficult through bio-science, that we are playing god by altering the natural state of things, hence, making the world more dangerous to live in (The example that follows does not support the point about playing god) For example, terrorists may make use of bio-engineering to create a biochemical weapon where virus is extracted from mainly fungi and also other organisms is used to infect the host on a large scale basis causing death. This shows that science has the potential to make made our lives worse by putting the ability of causing massive harm and change in the hands of irresponsible people. On the other hand, i think that science has made our lives better through bio-science, as we had have learnt to make use of it to save and restore lives. For example, in stem cell research, which looks into using stem cells to grow new organs such as eyes or a heart. This will allow us to be able to replace the organs from a patient without the need of waiting for a suitable donor, as well as reduce the risk of rejection by the body. From this, it shows that science do make our lives better.

where is your introduction?? Siobhoan, can you please PAY ATTENTION in class!!!!

Mr alfie you told me that i did not have to redo my intro cause it does not have any issue.

Why didn't u call me to inform me this?

# data[].attributes.headline
Melissa Nirosha (Science has made our lives better. Discuss.)

# data[].attributes.subject
Melissa Nirosha (Science has made our lives better. Discuss.)

# data[].attributes.body
Intro

Did not explain keywords, such as "Science" thoroughly. Failed to explain what is science and what are its uses. (Depth)

Used passive form, though Science is still being used in the world today. (accuracy)

Did not have a clear stand, only stated that it impacts our lives in a negative way rather than stating if it made our lives better or not. (relevance)

Body 1 (Ding)

P: Have the relevant point but is not well explained (depth)

E: Not developed well enough, could elaborate further (Depth)

E: Poor choice of examples, there are better examples that can prove my point even more clearer (breadth) (relevance)

(Dong)

P: Was not phrased properly. Use of wrong words. (precision)

E: No clear explanation. There is over generalizing. (breadth)

R: Unable to reiterate my stand clearly. (relevance)

Body 2 (Ding)

P: Point is not linked to Science. Thus, whole argument is wrong. (relevance)

E: Explanation was superficial. (depth)

E: No concrete examples given. (breadth)

R: Reiteration of stand was wrong. (relevance)

Body 3

I did not complete the argument of the 3rd point, as such the argument was not valid.

INTRODUCTION

The discovery of how things work and also finding out new creations that would help Man is Science. Science is found everywhere. There are many different types of Science, such as biology, physics, chemistry (scope is limited - no Breadth in issues) but all contains one purpose; to provide the ability to understand life around us better. That is the reason Science is given an important role to play in society today. We are constantly progressing due to the benefits of having our lives made easier (need to use the word better). In my opinion, I do not agree fully with the belief. Science has made our lives more complicated instead of better. This can be seen in certain areas such as society, education and environment.

WORST PARAGRAPH

Education has benefited to a small extent because of the introduction of technology such as eBooks and online dictionaries. (Where is element of Science?) Gone were the days where finding for a particular data meant going through heaps of books in the library. Now, with just one click, all the necessary information can be found. This could never be possible without Science which created such technology. In countries like Singapore, the importance on using technology for learning, Schools in Singapore are currently encouraging the use of eBooks and online resources to aid the students in their learning process. This encourages the students to be more open minded and also more independent in their learning. As such, the introduction of technology has enabled the students to be more better prepared for the society where independent learning is mostly practiced (practised). Hence, Science has made our lives better in terms of education. (This is a good point)

However, with such technology being readily available, the dependence on it has increased drastically. Heavy dependence on online dictionaries and eBooks has made the students develop a "lazy attitude" towards studying. The key concept of raising students as active thinkers is being compromised because of the extensive use of Science and technology. (You need to state the point on HOW does it lead to students having such an attitude?) This would lead to a lazy attitude in learning and eventually becoming lazy before stepping into the working world. As such, Science does not make our lives better.

Your R is shorter than your OV!

# data[].attributes.headline
Zhi yu (Is marriage still necessary in your society today?)

# data[].attributes.subject
Zhi yu (Is marriage still necessary in your society today?)

# data[].attributes.body
INTRO

Question interpretation:

I have difficulty expressing my sentences. (Clarity)

My stand is not clear. I was still addressing the question. (Clarity)

My scope is too limited. (Breadth)

BODY 1 (DING)

P: My TS is incomplete, I do not have a real point. (cLARITY)

E: Supports the TS but not very well-developed. (Depth)

E: Example too generic, like a scenario-based example? (accuracy, clarity)

R: weak link back to the question.

BODY 2 (DONG)

P: Addresses the question. (clarity)

E: good elaboration (depth)

E: scenario-based example

R: good reiteration

BODY 3 (DING)

P: vague (clarity)

E: not clear, awkward use of english (depth)

E: unclear example (accuracy)

R: werid link

BODY 4 (DING)

P: too vauge

E: good elaboration (Depth)

E: not much of an example

R: irrelevant link

BODY 5 (DONG)

(WEAK paragraph, irrelevant to the question)

CONCLUSION

Further development included.

Not enough time, contradicting argument.

CORRECTION:

INTRO:

INTRO:

Over the past few decades, the main purpose of marriage has shifted its core centre. Starting a family, giving birth and the raising of children used to be what marriage entails, and it had (has) been changed to the yearning of companionship, a partner who will always be there for you and not for the children anymore (is this a general sentiment or specific to SG?). This may be due to the cost of rearing a child in my society today, which has been increasing over the past few decades as Singapore’s economy boomed. Although marriage is still considered necessary by most of the people in my society, where traditional mind-sets are still prevalent among the older generation, factors such as globalisation and the changing of the mind-sets of the younger generations today have triumphed over the traditional mind-sets and thought of marriage as being a natural process of life. (Break up this long sentence) After all, it is the youngster’s mind-sets that matters as they will be the ones getting married.

BODY #1:

My society, as a part of Asia (awkward phrase), where traditional mindsets are still prevalent among the older generations, we can often hear them nagging the older siblings or cousins in the family to start a family quickly and give birth to their grandchildren before they passed away. This is also very commonly portrayed in television dramas. The younger generation feels the need to get married and give birth to their next generation as a form of filial respect to their older generations. Hence, marriage is still necessary in my society in this case to start a family.

This is a poorly done argument. Where is your PEER?

# data[].attributes.headline
Terance Lim (Science has made our lives better. Discuss.)

# data[].attributes.subject
Terance Lim (Science has made our lives better. Discuss.)

# data[].attributes.body
Intro

Unclear overview (CLARITY)

Unclear stand (CLARITY)

Moderate amount of scope (BREADTH)

Unclear balance (CLARITY)

Body 1: Para 1 (Ding)

P: Point is a bit unclear due to unclear sentence structure (CLARITY)

E: Unclear and not very well developed. (CLARITY and DEPTH)

E: Only one example, which is not enough. Common example. (BREADTH)

R: Did a linkage back to topic sentence (RELEVANCE)

Body 1: Para 2 (Dong)

P: Unclear point due to awkward expression in the sentence (CLARITY)

E: Relatively clear elaboration (CLARITY)

E: Same examples as Para 1.

R: Linkages are seen to support topic sentence (RELEVANCE)

Body 2: (Ding) (Dong)

P: Point is missing, no topic sentence (CLARITY)

E: Weak elaboration (ACCURACY and PRECISION)

E: Wrong evidence (ACCURACY)

R: There is no link as there is no topic sentence (CLARITY and ACCURACY)

Body 3: (Ding) (Dong)

P: Interpreted the question wrongly (PRECISION)

E: Elaborated wrongly as topic sentence is wrong (PRECISION)

E: Wrong examples due to wrong interpretation (PRECISION and ACCURACY)

R: Incomplete and vague (CLARITY and ACCURACY)

Conclusion:

Reiterated my stand and attempted further elaboration. Attempted closure of the essay in a proper way (RELEVANCE)

Where are your corrections????

# data[].attributes.headline
Emily (Science had made our lives better. Discuss.

# data[].attributes.subject
Emily (Science had made our lives better. Discuss.

# data[].attributes.body
Intro

My introduction device was too informal and I used Einstein which had no [relevance] to the question.

Had problem with interpreting the key word 'Science' -- [Clarity]

Body 1 (Ding Dong)

P Relevant to the question but too local specific. [Relevance, Breath]

ENot developed enough, lacking of [depth]

E My example was too local specific [Precision, Relevance]

R Did linked back to question but this paragraph lacked structure. [Logic, Precision]

Body 2 (Ding Dong)

P Relevant to the question but too local specific. [Relevance, Breath]

E My elaboration were confusing, leading to examiner unable to understand my point. [Clarity, Logic]

E Too local specific again [Precision, Relevance]

R I made a logical and proper reinteration back to the question. [Precision, Clarity]

Body 3 (Ding Dong)

P Lack interpretation to the question [Precision]

E Had enough [Depth] and [Breath] in my elaboration.

E Example was good enough to suport my point. [Relevance, Clarity]

R Good stand as it is strong enough [Precision, Clarity, Relevance]

Conclusion

I brought up another idea while concluding -- Bad [Logic]

My closing was boring and unmemorable, lacking of accuracy and interpreation to the question once again.

Comments: You actually wrote 5 body paragraphs - so can you change your analysis based on the 5 paragraphs instead of 3.

Your structure is ok in terms of providing 2 different perspectives and using the appropriate phrases. However, you need to ensure that your Rebuttal is stronger than your OV. This is lacking to show 30-70 for balance.

Corrections

Introduction:

If someone is missing their loved ones, all they had (have) to do is to whip out their mobile phones and click on a few buttons and voila! They are instantly connected to their loved ones, be it Facetime or Skype. Such scenes are common in our society and one may wonder how Albert Einstein, the genius of Physics would feel if he were to live in our era. Throughout the centuries, our lives have changed in so many ways due to the evolution of Science. Science is the creation and development of ideas, proving it with data and statistics, which has lead to the evolution of technology. Though Science had undeniably made our lives better in certain aspects such as saving time, labour and even lives, I am strongly inclined to believe that Science had made our lives worse than before. This is because......... (explain your qualifiers) with more destruction.

Worst Body:

There is a kernel of truth in the view that our lives have had became better as time can now be saved. (where is the element of Science?) Many years ago, especially during our forefathers' lives, they had to wait for days, weeks or even months for any form of communication and discovery. Yet, we now have instant connection with our loved ones with a click or a button anytime, anywhere. Want to know more about something? Ask Wikipedia. Do not know anything? Ask Google. These are all elements of Science, the invention of men. (Need to have a CS here)

Yet, there are other points of even graver importance not to be overlooked(need to link to the Q - answer the Q). Tensions could be escalated from the casual and improper use of social media. In a study conducted by Gabriel Weimann, from the University of Haifa, Weimann found that nearly 90% of organized terrorism on the internet takes place via social media. Terror groups use social media platform like Twitter, Facebook, Youtube and internet forums to spread their messages, recruit members and gather intelligence. Al-Qaeda has been noted as being one of the terror groups that uses social media the most extensively. Therefore, is it not evident that Science had made our lives worse from the inconsiderate tyrants who took advantage of Science? (you need to prove that life is better without Science? - so far you have NOT done that because your position is harder to argue)

# data[].attributes.headline
SARAH LEE (SCIENCE HAS MADE OUR LIVES BETTER. DISCUSS.)

# data[].attributes.subject
SARAH LEE (SCIENCE HAS MADE OUR LIVES BETTER. DISCUSS.)

# data[].attributes.body
Intro

Question Interpretation: Need to emphasize more on the key words. And not really compare the past and present. My definition of a 'better' life was very vague. (precision)

The scope was there. (Breadth)

The marker said that my stand was okay but awkward. I believe this is because of the way of how I present my answer that made it that way. (Clarity)

Body #1 (Malnutrition and food supply)

DING

P: Relevant the the question but the explanation is not good enough. The expression of my sentences are very wrong. (Precision) (Clarity)

E:Talked about the past and compared it with the future which was not what the question was asking for. (relevance)

E: The marker asked me to check my facts (accuracy) The use of Africa was very generic, should have used a country in Africa instead of using Africa by itself.

DONG

P: Used the example in my statement which is not good as it becomes a sweeping statement. (Depth)

E: The explanation was accurate and clear for the second example. (logic) (clarity)

E: The examples were not really clear and one of the examples were not relevant. However the other examples that I gave was more relevant. (relevance)

DING (nuclear energy)

P: My point was valid but poor explained (depth)

E: MY explanation was awkward and unclear, which lacked precision and logic.

E: The example used was very vague and not precised. (Precision)

DONG

P: Point made was clear. (clarity)

E: My explanations were poorly explained however the marker said I have to check my facts. (Accuracy)

E: My example was wrong as I said nuclear weapons were used in WW2. (accuracy)

DONG (Cloning)

P: Very example driven, which lacked depth. (clarity) (depth)

E: I did not really understand the basis of cloning (precision and accuracy)

E: Did not give a good example.

Conclusion:

A summary of the points that I have used and reiterated my stand.

Overall feelings of the essay: My essay was marked down because of the wrong use of examples and poor expressions used. ):

Corrections

Introduction:

In the very fast paced 21st century society, there is no doubt that science is all around us. We use this knowledge that we have to improve our lives. Science was indeed a catalyst to the creation of technology in the past (still is actually). It is because of science that our lives have been changed for the better. It is hard to deny the fact that science has improved our lives drastically by providing us with alternative solutions to alleviate uneven development in the society. However, I feel that science has not improved our (you just contradicted yourself) lives as it the use of science and technology could lead to genetic mutations, health problems and cloning of human beings. Thus, science and technology can indeed cause massive havoc in our society today. (you still have not answered the Q)

Worst Body paragraph

DING

In the past, people did not have an alternative to restore different body parts when it is in danger. In this 21st Century, scientist have discovered cloning as an instrument to improve human conditions. It is a good tool to replace failed organs and to help couples who are struggling with infertility. Scientists believe that they may be able to treat heart attack victims by cloning their healthy heart cells and injecting them into the areas of the heart that have been damaged. Thus, this may lower the number of people suffering from heart diseases. As compared to the past when cloning has not existed yet, cloning does indeed improve our lives and it gives us another chance to 'relive' our lives again. However, if human cloning and its technology had not been banned in many countries, conditions such as Alzheimer's disease, Parkinson's disease, diabetes and heart failures would be made curable. - last sentence is very vague.

I do concede that there are some perks of the use of human cloning. However, I feel that science has complicated life in its creation of unprecedented moral and ethical dilemmas. In today's rapid technology enhancement, which has essentially given Man the power to play God. However, great power comes with great responsibility. When Man do not uphold responsibility, his morals and ethics would be greatly questioned. Especially with this misuse of power and choosing unethical choices to make, this could lead to moral degradation of our very own mankind. Therefore, all these moral dilemmas will indeed make our live more complicated with even more problems. (your argument does not make any link to cloning at all - discuss details of cloning that make it an ethical issue.)

Comments: There are still phrasing issues which makes your argument less coherent.

# data[].attributes.headline
MARK LIM YAO (SCIENCE HAS MADE OUR LIVES BETTER.DISCUSS.)

# data[].attributes.subject
MARK LIM YAO (SCIENCE HAS MADE OUR LIVES BETTER.DISCUSS.)

# data[].attributes.body
INTRO

QUESTION INTERPRETATION : did not answer the question, science has made our lives BETTER, i did not clearly state if science has made our lives better or worse. (accuracy)

Showed balance but not precise

BODY 1( ding and dong)

P: relevant to the question but no example(accurate)

E: quite well developed(clarity)

E: needed an example as i did not give example(no scope)

BODY 2(dong)

P: relevant to the question(accurate)

E: could have elaborated more(depth)

E: needed better example(scope)

BODY 3(ding and dong)

P: relevant to the question(accurate)

E: could have elaborated more(depth)

E: needed more specific examples(scope)

BODY 4(ding and dong)

P: relevant to the question(accurate)

E: could have elaborated more and state how the point can make our lives better(scope and depth)

E: needs an example(scope)

Need to insert the Intelllectual Stds.

Corrections

Intro:

Science enriches our society as it educates people on the world we live in, resulting in numerous inventions. Genetically modified food(GM food) would be one such example.Some may argue that science does not bring about any positive impacts on our lives. (need to state more examples to show what is your interpretation) These critics argue that science has caused destruction and even loss of lives as seen numerous times when there are threats of nuclear warfare.Even when there is some truth in their arguments, it can be argued that the positive impacts brought about by science far outweighs the negative impacts (more details are needed). As a result, our lives have been made better.

Body:

Through the advancements of science, men has harnessed new sources of energy such as making use of solar energy and nuclear power. These new sources of energy are more eco-friendly, helping man with the fight against global warming. With the discovery and utilization of solar power, solar powered cars have been invented aiding men against global warming as the carbon emissions have been reduced greatly. As reported by the Energy Information Administration, carbon emissions have fallen by 5.9% for 2008. This report shows that with the discovery of solar power, more companies are switching from fossil fuel power to solar power as it provides a cheaper alternative which also benefits the environment. As the environment becomes better, the standard of living becomes better, showing that our lives have become better

Comments: ok the OV looks fine but make sure there is Rebuttal where ur attempting such issues.

# data[].attributes.headline
Elizabeth (There is no value in watching television. Do you agree?)

# data[].attributes.subject
Elizabeth (There is no value in watching television. Do you agree?)

# data[].attributes.body
Introduction

No introductory device

No global overview

Question Interpretation/stand: factors given veered towards the factor on education (accuracy, breadth)

Preview is given.

Body 1 (Ding)

P: Point is vague (precision)

E: Elaboration is fine but can be longer (breadth)

E: Examples are simplistic (depth)

R: -

(Dong)

P: Valid point (fairness)

E: Elaboration is not logical (logic, accuracy)

E: Simple example but not explained enough (precise)

R: Answers the question (logic)

Body 2 (Ding)

P: Point is similar to previous point (clarity)

E: Too short. Should illustrate more (breadth)

E: No specific ones given (breadth)

R: -
(Dong)

P: Point is illogical, no direct link to question (logic, accuracy)

E: Hijacking the question because I gave sub-factors to the main
factor and elaborated too much (precision)

E: Examples are given to support the sub-factors, no relevance to
question (relevance)

R: No link to question since body paragraph is wrong (logic)

Body 3 (Ding)

P: Point is relevant to context but not clearly stated (precision)
E: Too much elaboration done; does not really link to context (precision, relevance)

E: None given (breadth)

R: -

(Dong)

P: Sweeping statement (accuracy)

E: Too absolute (fairness) and do not have a clear link to
question. A lot of unnecessary points were given (precision)

E: Specific example given (relevance)

R: Does not really answer the question because elaboration was
slightly off-topic (accuracy)

Conclusion

Signaling device is present

Reiteration of stand and justification
given but could have been elaborated more (depth)

No memorable close

# data[].attributes.headline
Grace (Science has made our lives better. Discuss.)

# data[].attributes.subject
Grace (Science has made our lives better. Discuss.)

# data[].attributes.body
Intro

Did not really address the keyword, 'better'. Little comparison is shown between the past and the present. [ACCURACY]

- Attempted to show balance but examiner interpreted it as contradictory ( Did not use accurate qualifying phrase) [Not accurate]

Scope provided is not broad enough as i only mentioned genetic technology and transport technology(automobile) [Breadth]

Body 1 (Ding-Dong) COMBINED

Ding

P: Little relevance as the point was on harming our lives as it is capable of leading to health illnesses

E: Little elaboration[DEPTH]

E: Specific example on an 18 year old Arizona man[Relevant]

Dong

P: Great relevance to the question as I said that it has vastly improved on our quality of living. However, this point contradicts with my OV. Appears to be sitting on the fence. (CLARITY)

E: Elaboration is simple and not clear (DEPTH)

E:Generic examples given( ACCURACY, CLARITY)

Included reiteration

Body 2 (Ding-Dong) COMBINED

Ding

P: My point is that, Science has made man lazier. [Precision]

E: Better elaborated as compared to Body 1, mentioned about over reliance on technology.

However, it is still not well-developed [DEPTH]

E: Specific example was given, but it is not very relevant to my point[ACCURACY]

Dong

P: Did not use accurate qualifying phrase, leading to contradiction

E:Little elaboration

E:Did not state examples, included reiteration

Body 3 (Dong)

P: Brought man's intellectual thinking to a whole new level[Relevant]

E: Do not relate much to my point, poorly explained

E: Examples do not show relevance and there is little link to my point

Conclusion:

Even though I stated my overall viewpoint(Accurate and relevant to question), I did not discuss them in my essay. There is reiteration of all my dings and dong.

# data[].attributes.headline
Cheryl Chua: Science has made our lives better. Discuss.

# data[].attributes.subject
Cheryl Chua: Science has made our lives better. Discuss.

# data[].attributes.body
Intro

Question interpretation: Addressed the key words "lives better" (accurate)

Should avoid giving specific examples here. (not relevant in the intro)

Scope: In the preview, I stated 3 areas that I will be discussing throughout the essay (breadth)

Balance and stand was shown clearly (clarity)

BODY 1 (SS)

P: Relevant to the question and was explained clearly (precision)

E: Could have written more to elaborate on my point here (lack depth but logical argument)

E: Specific example was shown, but could have given a more statistics (accuracy and precision)

R: Reiteration of stand was written and it was related to the question (relevance)

Body 2 (Ding-Dong)

P: Ding was stated and elaborated clearly with some examples (fairness, clarity and depth)

P: Dong was able to show my stand of the question

E: Was able to show how science benefited our lives (depth)

E: Specific example of the Catalytic convertor was used to explain how science helped made our lives better (clarity, logical and precise)

R: Linked the argument back to my stand and the question.

BODY 3 (SS)

P: TS informs the reader which issue I'm talking about and explains why this issue is relevant to the question (relevance and clarity)

E: Good explanation of how technological advancement led to the creation of the Internet and how it has benefited us. (depth and precise)

E: Example of the internet was well elaborated and more examples were given (Face Timing, Skype...)

R: Reiterated my stand and linked it back to the question. However, failed to further elaborate "making things easily attainable" (lack clarity)

BODY 4 (Ding-Dong)

P: Ding clearly shows the opposite viewpoint with specific evidence that supports this claim (clarity, depth, precise e.g. and fairness)

P: Dong states why the invention of weaponry is beneficial and it was explained (clarity)

E: Point was well elaborated

E: Example given was a repeated idea (not relevant, lack precision and accuracy)

R: Good reiteration of stand and was related to the issue at hand (relevance and clarity)

BODY 5 (SS)

P: Was able to inform the reader what topic/ issue I will be discussing in this paragraph (clarity)

E: Should not have mention "only means of transport is..." (lack accuracy)

E: Example give was relevant but lacked accuracy. But it was elaborated clearly as of how advancement in transport is beneficial

R: Good sum up for the paragraph as it shows how big of an impact if advancement in technology had made our lives better. Reiteration of stand and link to the question was shown. (relevance, logic and clarity)

Conclusion:

Signalling device and restatement of stand was shown explicitly (clarity)

Ending was not superb could have done better

Overall:

Should have arranged the essay in terms of effect instead of by field of science. Essay is still relevant but I can rearranged the way I present it. This will make it more obvious that each issue I was discussing is answering the question directly.

Corrections:

Intro:

As years passed, scientists along with various experts have been improving the lives of many through the res earch and development of science. This can be observed by noticing how the standard of living has improved drastically in the 21st century as compared to the 18th century. (need to provide more scope for interpretation to lead to your balance eg However, science has also led to development of........) Some would argue that it has made our lives worse as some people live in fear or are worried about the illness they may suffer from. As they do not what the new inventions are capable of impacting their lives.(vague) However, I strongly believe that science has indeed made our lives better in terms of medicine, transport and communication.

BODY 3(SS)

The advancement in science has made our lives better as it has facilitated technological improvement. The creation of the Internet had been a result of this advancement and is currently dominating the world of youth and even adults today. This is because the Internet has enabled us to obtain information in a blink of an eye. We no longer need to make a trip down to the library to source for information, which is time consuming, as it is made readily available on the Web. Moreover, the Internet has made the transference of information or data easier via the e-mail. This speeds up the rate at which tasks can be done. People around the world will be able to receive their e-mails instantly as compared to airmail in the past. In addition, the Internet has allowed people to interact with one another across the globe via Skype and Face Timing that displays real time images. It is especially useful to families who live in different countries because it allows them to communicate efficiently and effectively. Thus, this benefits families who long to see each other and they need not personally travel over to have a family reunion. Hence, Science has managed to make our lives easier as the invention of the Internet allows for quicker accessibility and transference of information.

Good para!

# data[].attributes.headline
Yonghao (uccess in life is possible without formal education. Comment)

# data[].attributes.subject
Yonghao (uccess in life is possible without formal education. Comment)

# data[].attributes.body
Intro

Question interpretation: I failed to interpret the key words and as I thought Sports school and SOTA were non formal education which instead meant having fixed structure. (accuracy)

I failed to write down stand due to nervousness and left out on preview.

my scope was not relevant as my formal education was interpreted wrongly.

Body 1 (DIng Dong)

P: not relevant to question (clarity)

E: Well developed but no relevant to question ( relevance)

E: examples were elaborated but not relevance to question.

R: stand was unclear ( clarity)

Body 2 (Dong)

p: TS was clear

E: Not answering the question.

E: real examples in context of Singapore.

Body 3 (ding Dong)

P: not answering the question with little scope ( relevance and breadth)

E: elaborated but not relevant ( relevance)

E: example were used but it was not relevant to the question.

R: stand was not precise ( precision)

Body 4 (dong)

p: was clear but lack the relevance to the question

E: not well elaborated and lack scope ( breadth)

E: example was used but it was incorrect data.

R: miss out on reiteration of stand

Conclusion

- did not engaged with the question and not relevant.

-stand was not clear and not precise

-totally lack of qualifying statement

- closure was awkward and not relevant to the question

Corrections

intro

In today’s ever changing and globalised world, we all seek for the best education to help us secure a good and high paying job in the future. Education can be categorised into formal education and informal education.  Formal education is having fixed structure of school lessons with proper systems while informal education is a general term for education outside the standard school setting. Even though many (for balance, 'some' should be used) people believe that success in life is possible without formal education. However, I personally believe that success in life is impossible without formal education. (impossible without is double negative - should state that only formal education can lead to success in life)

This position is an absolute stand - not a good position to argue.

success in
life is impossible without formal education as formal education provides an
individual the opportunity to develop like their peers. they can develop their
leadership skills in school. formal education allows students to have a proper
and fixed schedule and this helps them to plan and organise their time so that
they are able to do their work punctually. this inculcates, the habit of being
tidy and structured in the things we do. studies have shown that students who
are more tidy and self discipline will have a higher chance to do well in their
studies which lead to higher and better paying jobs in the future. however,
some do believe that it is possible  to
be successful without formal education as there are many aspects to education that
will allow one to be successful in life. an example would be home schooling.
home schooling in an  informal education
that is taken outside school setting. this allow students to be independent
learners and usually with reasons that it is the choice of their parents. numerous
studies have shown that home schooling students outperformed their peers. these
too will allow home schooling students to have equal if not more opportunity to
be better educated than their fellow peers. (any example?)as such success in life is possible
without formal education.

Your OVR does not support your stand. Look carefully over what you are arguing. It is the other way around. Where are you capital letters?

# data[].attributes.headline
JEAN LEE (Science has made our lives better. Discuss.)

# data[].attributes.subject
JEAN LEE (Science has made our lives better. Discuss.)

# data[].attributes.body
Intro Question interpretation: Failed to address key word (Science) thoroughly. I did not mention that science incorporates other aspects as well, such as Chemicals/medicine/nuclear energy/weaponry etc. I merely related science to mass media & technology such as cars & elevators. [Little scope] Felt that I had enough balance and my sentence were clear enough though.

Body 1 (Ding) (Combined) P: Relevant to the question . (Precision) E:  Felt that there's sufficient depth. E:

Felt that examples were sufficient too.

(Dong) P: Relevant to the question but slight mistake when expressing a phrase E: (precision, clarity) E:Examples not specific enough. (i.e I only mentioned A study showed xxxx). Didn't mention when or where or how the study was conducted. (accuracy, clarity)

Body 2 (Ding)(Combined) P: Point was made, relevant to the question, TS was fine as well. (precision) E: Explanation was fine. E: Examples fine as well. (accuracy) R: (more of an overall problem) Mentioned that advertisements put out by the government is definitely good, which is not necessarily the case. Stereotype?

(Dong) P: Point was made & relevant but had subject verb agreement mistakes. (clarity) E: Arguments not that convincing. Examiner commented that it was a 'slippery slope' (relevance) E: Example was fine R:  (again, more of an overall problem) Mentioned that private advertisements harbour ill intentions and promote bad values (i.e. sex) Not necessarily the case. Stereotype? (relevance)

Body 3 (Ding)(Combined) P: Used the phrase " I agree to a small extent". Could have used "There is some truth to instead." E: Explanation was fine. E: Example given was actually a hoax!! (Kony 2012) Lack of research on my part. Thankfully, I gave another and hence, mistake not that severe.

(Dong) P: Point was made and relevant. E: Explanation was fine and clear. E: Examples were good, included specific details.

Body 4: (Dong) P: Well constructed TS, and relevant. E: Explanation was fine in my opinion. However, examiner mentioned that I could've blamed obesity to a change in lifestyle and not on TV. I should've made that link. E: Example was simple and generic, although it was true. But could've been more specific with more details.

Conclusion: Qualifying statement-Closure was fine. Point was made, but it was simple. Could have thought of a more memorable closure.

Question: What do u mean example KONY was a hoax? CORRECTION FOR INTRO:

Science is the very reason that we have access to the internet, inventions such as cars, the television, more advanced healthcare, weaponry as well as many more things. However, today, Science has been increasingly accused of straining the social fabric, bringing about social illnesses, health problems and economic inequality. It is often claimed, that people in the past have led healthier and happier lives, where science was less advanced. I do concede that science has made our lives better as it improves our overall efficiency and productivity. On the other hand, I feel, to a larger extent, that science has led to the proliferation of many social and health problems, income inequality as well as an overall decrease in the happiness index.

Good!!! It covers the features of the intro quite well.
BODY PARA:
Science has also brought about the increase in advertising platforms, such as the television, newspapers, the internet and magazines. (The link between Science and advertising is weak -LOGIC) This has led to a tremendous increase in advertising of all sorts, both positive and negative. I do concede that positive advertising is beneficial to the society as it helps to encourage positive values in citizens and generally, make the community better. Certain advertisements help promote acts of kindness, such as the advertisement on “Singapore Kindness Week”, which encourages citizens to be kind to others around them. Another example is the advertisement on the promotion of the “Yellow Ribbon”, which urges the community to give ex-convicts a second chance in life. Thus, such advertisements promoting good values are positive. However, I feel that advertising can also be bad as it promotes lust and discrimination. Many advertisers employ the use of such morally unacceptable concepts in their advertisements so as to appeal to the masses. Such advertisements intrigue people and leave a lasting impression, thereby leading to the success of the advertisement. An example is the objectifying of women. A coca-cola advertisement incorporated part of a woman’s body, to a coca-cola glass bottle, hinting that drinking their drinks will make them achieve curves and look sexy. Sadly, the objectifying of women through advertising has led to discrimination against women as women are associated with things. Things do not have rights nor feelings. In addition, majority of advertisements that dominate the advertising industry promote negative values. Therefore, as majority of advertisements are negative, Science has not improved our lives.
Although the point of advertising is valid but it is not RELEVANT to the Q..... :(

# data[].attributes.headline
Philip (has science improved our lives for the better ?)

# data[].attributes.subject
Philip (has science improved our lives for the better ?)

# data[].attributes.body
Intro

Did not provide enough scope for the essay . Not much accuracy and did not give a well introduction. The into was not firm enough

Body 1(combined ring n dong)

P: gave a relevant point (precision)

E: did not developed well to support the point need to elaborate more(lack of depth)

E: provided more than one examples

R: link back but was not firm enough

Body 2(combined)

P: gave a point that can support my stand(precision)

E: did not elaborate well . Did not give enough firm arguments (lack of depth)

E: gave examples

R:did not delink back (not relevant to the stand)

Body 3 (one point only to Support my stand )

P: gave a point that prove that science change our lives for the better (precision)

E: gave a few example

E: use the example to evaluate (depth)

R: relinked back

Conclusion :

Did sum out all the point but did not give a well conclusion but need to be more firm.

Technology is the application of science. (awkward) Science has imporved (SP) our lives better in many areas such as health, transport and discovering new energy. With science our lives have been more efficient and productive. However, many might disagree that science has made out lives for the better. Without science technology there won't (no contraction) be so much pollution and other form of environmental destruction. (awkward - Science had led to/resulted in...... ) Despite the negative impacts science brings, one must know science has done many things that improved our lives regardless in health or transport . Without science, we would still be living in an era where simple activity could cost a life. (Use the words 'I personally believe that.....'

Body para (1)

Men has used science to create a new source div?? energy called nuclear energy .this energy produces large amount of energy to generate electricity unlike natural gas that causes pollution. Besides that, it does not populate (pollute?) the evrionment SP. Nuclear energy is also cost efficient. In recent years many countries have choose this to generate energy for their people instead of burning coal or natural gas. However, it has a negative side too. Nuclear plants must be monitored continuously. The plants must be in Andrea far away from human activities. If the plants explodes large amount of radiation will be emitted which can harm both humans health and the environment. In 2011 when tsunami hit Japan , the nuclear plants In Nagasaki exploded cousins environment destruction and health problems to rise. During that period of time, the country was in a mess as many had to flee the area. Science may cause some damage in out lives but We must know that it has helped us to discover new resources to generate energy so that when natural gas or coal runs out we still have another alternative source to support our life activities.

Comments: The 30/70 part is not clear. You need to show that the incidents which caused harm to mankind is negligible as compared to the benefits it can bring. You need to show that it is the only resource that man has when all the natural resources have been used up. Highlight the point that Man needs to be wary of its negative impact and use it for good only.

# data[].attributes.headline
Liang Le (Success in life is impossible without formal education. Comment.)

# data[].attributes.subject
Liang Le (Success in life is impossible without formal education. Comment.)

# data[].attributes.body
Intro

Qns interpretation: misinterpreted the "formal education" and "in life",i thought formal education refers to university only and not the entire education system. (accuracy)

Show abit of balance but not precise and clear. (clarity)

Never answer the question (relevance)

Small scope as i only mention about factors other than education that contributes to success in life and nothing about other types of education (breath)

Body 1(Ding)

P: Relevant but not enough explaination (precision)

E: Supports the TS but not detailed enough. (depth)

E: Wrong example (relevance)

R: Based on markers comment,my stand has no link to the example i wrote (relevance)

Body 2 (Ding)

P: Never really address the question (relevance)

E: Not elaborated well enough (precision)

E: Irrelevant to the question (relevance)

R: No link to the question

Conclusion: Don't really support my stand in the intro part. Never show how success in life is not solely dependent on formal education. Closure is not memorable (relevance.clarity,precision)

You wrote only 2 paragraphs?!

Corrections (intro)

With the increasing emphasis on students to complete their education,it had been said that success in life is impossible without receiving a formal education. Formal education is defined as education or training received from institutions like schools,colleges,universities etc *word is not allowed. Success in life can be seen as having a lot of money to some ,whereas to others,it can be seen as having a general sense of happiness. No doubt formal education is required as a stepping stone to an individual's success in life. However,formal education is not the only factor that contributes to success in life. Other factors such as skills,discipline and action are also part of the stepping stone to one's success in life *but formal education can impart such skills to the individual - dangerous stand as you are not expected to compare formal education with skils, discipline....you are to show that it is possible to have success without formal education through education learnt in other environments.

Where is the body para??

worst body paragraph

Many have said that without (formal or informal???) education,success in life is impossible. I agree to a certain extent with this statement as education ,indeed,provides one with knowledge that not only enriches one's mind but also enables him to make informed choices *what is the relation to success??. Take for instance,Robert Sternberg,president of the university of Wyoming. Throughout his years,he has held honorary doctorates from numerous universities including University of Heidelberg (Germany), Complutense University of Madrid (Spain), University of Huelva (Spain), University of Leuven (Belgium), University of Cyprus, University of Paris V (France), and St. Petersburg State University (Russia). In addition,Sternberg has acquired over $20 million in grants and contracts for his research and has conducted research on 5 different continents. Therefore,the knowledge he acquired from different education institutions has enabled him to achieve success in life *what kind of success are you discussing here?? in a way that only a handful of people are able to achieve in their lifetime.

What is the actual TS of this para?? What issue are you discussing here?

# data[].attributes.headline
Marlene (Science has made our lives better. Discuss)

# data[].attributes.subject
Marlene (Science has made our lives better. Discuss)

# data[].attributes.body
Introduction

Question Interpretation-I did interpret the question correctly. Definitions for science and made our lives better were given.(accuracy)

Some parts of my definitions were not expressed clearly. (clarity)

Balance is linked to question. (relevance)

Able to provide scope. (breadth)

BODY 1 (Dong)

P: TS is relevant (relevance)

E: quite developed (depth)

E: not enough details. Although i have example, my example was not specific enough. I was unable to provide the specific places. (clarity,accuracy,precision)

R: I did not repeat the phrase in the question. Instead, I used words which answer to my point.

BODY 2 (Ding)

P: I did use a qualifying phrase. (Relevance)

E: Supports my TS. Developed. (depth)

E: Specific example to support my point. (Precision, accuracy)

R: I contradicted my interim stand.(logic)

BODY 3 (Dong)

P: TS is relevant. (relevance)

E: Not developed enough. (Depth)

E; Examples does not support my point (relevance)

R: Linked to my point.

Body 4 (Ding-Dong)

DING

P: I did use a qualifying phrase so that i don't contradict myself. (relevance)

E: Elaboration is relevant. Supports my stand. (clarity, depth)

E: Examples not specific enough (accuracy, precision)

Dong

P: TS is relevant (relevance)

E: quite developed. ( depth)

E: Have specific statistics to support my point (accuracy, Precision)

R: Explanation not clear enough. However, it supports my point. (logic)

BODY 5 (Ding-Dong)

Ding:

P: TS is relevant. I did use a qualifying phrase. (relevance)

E: needs to be more developed. (depth, clarity)

E: specific example is used. (accuracy,precision)

Dong:

P: Answers my point. ( relevance)

E: Supports my stand. ( depth)

E: No example is used to support my point. ( accuracy, precision, clarity, depth)

R: Answer the question.(logic)

Conclusion

I did not have time to complete my conclusion, therefore I am unable to evaluate my conclusion. (clarity)

Overall:

I need to pay special attention to my grammar as I had made a lot of simple grammar mistakes which i should not make at this level.

I also need to have more specific examples as I am unable to provide examples for some paragraphs.

Lastly, I need to have better time management.

CORRECTIONS

INTRODUCTION:

Due to globalisation, there have been a rapid advancement in science and technology in the recent years (not really recent actually). Science is a systematic knowledge of the physical or material world gained through observation and experimentation. Some cynics have argued that science has not made our lives better (break up the sentence) as it has threatened political stability, brought about negative to the human bodies and affected the natural environment. However, I strongly feel that science has improved our lives as its efficiency has brought about convenience to our lives and has improved the standard of living of people from all around the world.

Need to show more interpretation. You cannot just define and then start on the balanced stand.

BODY:

With regards to research and development, science has played a part in trying to improve the quality of lives of people.Research cloning is the process of creating a living organism or embryo that has the same genetic composition as an already existing or previously existing individual. The aim of research cloning is not to create human clones, but rather to harvest stem cells for the study of human development and potentially treat diseases. It may be true that research cloning has some negative impacts as the basic genetic markers in most animals cause a major problem. There are markers of unknowns in all the mammal's DNA and these markers of DNA will decay and shorten every time they are replicated, which is theorised to cause aging. When a DNA is extracted from a 40-year-old and is inserted into the child, the child will only have a life-span of 20-35 years. This is because even though the child looks like a child, it has DNA of a 40-year-old. (your OV is too long) Despite the negative impacts of research cloning, I feel that research cloning has also helped to improve the lives of some group of people. Cloning might be the solution for treating powerful diseases like cancer, diabetes and AIDs as good cells can be extracted from existing tissue to form cloned tissue, therefore, replacing the damaged cells. Cloning can also help the infertile to have children which are truly their own. Women who are infertile may have already tried artificial fertilisation methods but the rate of success is not high, as such, cloning might be the solution for them. Studies have shown that there are 1.5 million of married women of age 15-44 are infertile. Thus, cloning can provide better life for infertile couples as they will have the hope of being able to have children truly their own. (FOr this point, you need to show that Science has MADE our lives better. Are these benefits of cloning existing already? You need to show the existing benefits of cloning not its potential

# data[].attributes.headline
Kwang Jae/ Science has made our lives better. Discuss

# data[].attributes.subject
Kwang Jae/ Science has made our lives better. Discuss

# data[].attributes.body
INTRO

I had interpreted the Q accurately.

-Q: comparison type 2

-T: Science - our lives

-K: better

I showed balance precisely.

-But i didn't state my stand (Science has worsened our lives) clearly (confused the marker)

-My R was not supported by reason precisely

I have provided 3 issues: but it is not enough (Breadth)

-security on personal data,

-security on our lives and

-education

-I focused too much on the types of technology, and therefore, i didn't stress much on the disadvantage of Science (Relevance)

Body 1# (Ding-Dong) - security on our lives

P: TS is relevant

E: Does support the TS

E: Lack of details (Precision) to prove its accuracy

R: Did not link to the Q directly (Relevance)

Body 2# (Ding-Dong) - education

P: TS is relevant

E: Supports the TS

E: No specific example (precision)

R: Linked to the Q

Body 3# (Ding) - security on personal data

P: TS is relevant but lack of clarity

E: Not logical + not relevant + Not dealing with the most significant factors

E: No example

R: While R is linked to the Q, it does not make sense because of absence of precise and relev

Conclusion

-Signaling Device: All in all, .....

-I restated my stand 'technology does not improve our lives but it rather worsens...'

but this statement is not relevantly and precisely supported by the previous body paragraphs.

And my Essay is way toooooo short

CORRECTION

Intro

Man's lifestyle is (has) changed for the better with the advancement of science in reference to the quality of food, education and medicine. Some may argue that nuclear technology, atomic bomb, is threatening the security or safety of an individual. However, with authoritarian (proper) regulation, this wrong application of science has enhanced the human's life. (wrong phrasing)

Intro is still too short. Look at the features of an intro.

Supporting para

Firstly, with regards to food, increasing global population size benefit from the use of technology. Genetically Modified (GM) food is better resistant to weeds, post ??? and other diseases. In addition, GM food can tolerate extreme conditions such as soil salinity. As a result, developing and less developed countries can provide a large quantity of healthy food at low price for whom have been suffering from financial issue. Furthermore, the (no need to use the article 'the') GM food has the potential to provide edible vaccines that could be used to immunise individuals against a wide variety of infections diseases ranging from cholera to potentially AIDS. While the possibility is still under experiment, scientists have further proved that the research is worthwhile and practical. For instance, the transgenic potato that have been produced and tested successfully by utilizing a genetically engineered food to deliver a genetically engineered food to deliver a pharmaceutical immunisation against diarrhea. Accordingly, in the future, people will be able to consume such a wonderful food which can cure diseases. Hence science has made distinct improvement in man's life. Point is ok but Q is whether Science has MADE our lives better. You need to discuss concrete existing measures.

OVR

Secondly, in relation to education, science has further enriched the knowledge and information that people receive from the Internet. While it may be true that man is often bombarded by the quantitative but irrelevant information (OV is too short), one has an easy access to a specific website through which he can find the relevant and quality research. For example, students from all different levels of education in Singapore are currently utilising Individual Learning Module to help themselves becoming an independent learners. The Individual Learning Module offers online lecture, time assignment and quiz to tackle the individual problems in which students face the most difficulty, and therefore, students can focus on analysing their weakness. Besides Individual Learning Module, there are listless websites, such as Google scholar, J STOR and e-resources from national library,(examples need to be more generic) providing congruent ideas based on the topic and question raised by the learners. Thus the professional and structural online education does change people's lives for the better.

This is valid point but need more details on OV to show more depth. Examples also need more BREADTH as you need to have more generic ones.

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Stephanie (Success in life is impossible without formal education. Comment)

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Stephanie (Success in life is impossible without formal education. Comment)

# data[].attributes.body
INTRO

Question interpretation - I misinterpreted "formal education".

I showed balance but it was not precise. (precision)

My scope was too broad. (breadth)

BODY 1 (Ding)

P - TS is not relevant, does not answer the question.

E - Does not support the TS, no link at all.

E - Details were precise but were irrelevant to my point.

R - Did not make link from examples' "achievements" to my definition of "success in life".

Body 2 (Dong)

P - TS is not relevant, does not answer the question.

E - Does not support the TS, no link at all.

E - Details were precise but were irrelevant to my point.

R - Did not make link from examples' "achievements" to my definition of "success in life".

Body 3 (Ding)

P - TS is relevant, answers the question (relevance)

E - Supports the TS.

E - Not a safe example, (5% is not significant over 10 years)

R - No reiteration at all.

Body 4 (Dong)

P - Not appropriate TS for my point.

E - Supports my point.

E - Good example, detailed.

R - Lack of depth & analysis - how many achieve success without formal education? (Depth)

Body 5 (supporting stand)

P - irrelevant, does not answer the question. (relevance)

E - supports my point but does not answer the question.

E - Not precise and detailed enough. (precision)

R - Irrelevant. No link to question. (relevance)

CONCLUSION

Doesn't address the question, completely irrelevant.

CORRECTIONS

Intro: In the modernised world, an increasing number of people are constantly competing to achieve success. This can be in the form of gaining recognition, happiness and financial stability. To achieve these successes, formal education allows people to receive education and training from institutions like schools and colleges.  However, there are people who are able to achieve success without a standardised school system. As such, while I do concede that some elements of formal education are needed in order for people to be successful, it is not always the case. I believe that it is also possible for this to happen without formal education.

Good intro!!

Body #1:

One of the successes in life is having a passion for learning to pursue a lifetime of knowledge. This can be sustained without a proper structure of learning, because  a thirst for acquiring knowledge helps to motivate one to grow in life.

OV: There is some element of truth in the fact that having a passion to pursue a lifetime of knowledge can bring a person success in some areas. This is evident in the increasing number of working adults going back to universities to pursue their Master’s degree. According to Statistics Canada, (In Canada 2006,) there were 13% of adults in the student population pursuing a Master’s degree in 2006, this was 10% higher than the previous year. After pursuing a Master’s degree, these people are able to get higher paying jobs and thus achieve more success.

R: However, passion for learning can also be sustained without a structured education system.

For example, one of the world’s most successful Korean-pop music industry, S.M. Entertainment, has produced more than twenty artists that are internationally recognised, and these artists earn an income of $200 000 to $1 million per year. The prerequisites to join this company is to have talent and a passion to perform, and the most basic requirement of education is primary education, which is a small part of formal education This shows that one can also be financially stable and thus achieve success without a complete formal education.

Comments: You need to show that in the music industry, it is passion and talent that is more important rather than education in a formal setting.....

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Cheryl Ee:  Success in life is impossible without formal education. Comment. 

# data[].attributes.subject
Cheryl Ee:  Success in life is impossible without formal education. Comment. 

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INTRO

Qn Intepretation: I intepreted the question wrongly. I thought that the qn was so broad and forgot to state my scope. (Accuracy)

A lot of expression errors. Cannot find apt words to translate my thoughts on paper. (Clarity)

I show some balance but have a poor understanding of "formation education". I thought ITE/SOTA/NAFA/Laselle are vocational instituitions. (Relevance)

I did not set a limitation my scope when I am supposed to. (Breadth)

Body 1 (Ding)

P: Too example-driven. (Precision)

E: Very generic evidences I gave. (Depth)

E: Elaboration too short. Probably one sentence only. (Depth)

R: Gave Finland as an example of informal education when it is actually a formal instituition.

Body 2

P: I used a real life example Amy Chua, the tiger mother as my point which is essentially not really a point, but more of evidence.

E: Too example driven.

E: Too example driven.

R: Gave Bill Gates and Steve Jobs example as a counter argument. This paragraph is very example driven. Didn't add much value to my essay. Ziltch value, actually!

Body 3 (Ding + Dong)

P: Example driven again.

E: Evidence is wrong because I thought ITEs/SOTA/NAFA are vocation instituitions, which I am wrong!

E: Not much elaboration. I thought the examples are the elaboration.

R: Didn't rebut. Can't find a way to rebuke it so leave it hanging in the air.

Conclusion:

Very touch and go thing. Qualifying statement is alright I guess. A very brief conclusion without the necessary elaboration.

# data[].attributes.headline
Jannah (Is marriage still necessary in your society today?)

# data[].attributes.subject
Jannah (Is marriage still necessary in your society today?)

# data[].attributes.body
INTRO

I show balance but it is not ACCURATE

I did not provide enough SCOPE (BREADTH)

Provided factual error

BODY 1 (Ding-Dong)

P TS is vague (CLARITY) - not answering the Q

E Does not support TS (RELEVANCE)

E Not accurate (ACCURACY)

R Did not link to the Q/ Repeated the phrases in Q

// P TS contradicted previous point and confusing - not answering the Q

E Irrelevant (RELEVANCE)

E Invalid examples used (RELEVANCE)

R Did not link back to the Q

BODY 2 (Ding-Dong)

P Contradicted the earlier points as I used the wrong qualifying phrase (PRECISION)

E Relevant and okay(?) (RELEVANCE)

E Not enough details & FACTUAL ERROR (PRECISION)

R Did not link back to the Q

// P Factual error! & not answering Q (PRECISION)

E Supports TS but still not answering Q

E I included examples in TS >.<

R Linked back to the Q

BODY 3 (Ding-Dong)

P Answered the Q and is relevant (RELEVANCE)

E Supports TS but not enough details (I put together with TS >.<)

E Not enough details & vague (CLARITY)

R Linked back to the Q

// P Answering the Q and is relevant! (RELEVANCE)

E Supports TS

E Vague and not enough details (PRECISION)

R Linked back to the Q

BODY 4 (Dong)

P Answers the Q but marker said I contradicted myself hmm..

E Supports the TS and is relevant (RELEVANCE)

E Not enough details and vague (PRECISION)

R Did not link back to the Q

Conclusion

Marker said I contradicted my stand. (which I don't think I did)

Did not summarise properly

Did not have memorable closure

CORRECTIONS

In the past, marriage was necessary because a family was needed to maintain the family’s business in the primary industry such as farming and fishing.(not a strong valid reason - more so for traditions/conventions. You can say that it is one of the reasons....) Singapore was a developing country which focused more on primary industry and family businesses were important to help to improve Singapore’s economy back then. Some may argue that marriage is still essential in Singapore today because of the increasing cost of living in Singapore. (this is not a logical claim) Nevertheless, I believe that marriage is no longer necessary as Singapore has improved a lot in terms of education and the increasing population. Influence from the West made marriage even more unnecessary. (a wrong stand to use as it is hard to argue)

Firstly, some may think that marriage is no longer necessary in Singapore today because people are getting more educated with the improved education system from the past. (phrasing needs to improve) Some people no longer see the need to marry to someone as they do not want to share their light burden with someone else. (not clear) Moreover, some think that having to be married to someone increases their burden even more. For example, in our society, non-marriage rates among female university graduates are stratospheric: a third of 30-34-year-old university graduates are single. This clearly shows that some females believe that they can live without the support of the other party as they have enough knowledge to be able to get a high-paying job. Hence, surviving to live in Singapore is not a problem to some of them. Therefore, they would rather remain single and not get married to someone. However, I strongly believe that marriage is still necessary (contradicts your stand) because of the cost of living which increases ridiculously over the years. It is impossible for someone to be able to afford to live in Singapore without any shared income. For instance, even the cost of a HDB flat, which is supposed to be affordable for the lower and middle income groups, would skyrocket up to S$1 million in future. It is obvious that a shared income with another party is essential and therefore, marriage is still necessary in Singapore today. (look at your stand)

Redo and see me for consultation.

# data[].attributes.headline
Wan Zhen (Success in life is impossible without formal education. Comment.)

# data[].attributes.subject
Wan Zhen (Success in life is impossible without formal education. Comment.)

# data[].attributes.body
Intro Question interpretation: Failed to address key words thoroughly. Key words like "success" and especially "formal education" which I thought it to be only higher education. It applies to education in a school system. (accuracy) Some difficulty with expressing my sentences. (Clarity) Balance not really linked to the question. (relevance) Little scope as I did not really provide other alternatives to formal education. (breadth)

Body 1 (Ding) (Combined) P: Relevant to the question but not enough explanation. (Precision) E: Not very well developed (depth) E: Generic example. Did not really support point as the definition of success was not thoroughly addressed. (accuracy, clarity)

(Dong) P: Also relevant with some explanation but it was not phrase correctly (clarity, logic) E: Insufficient elaboration on TS. Does not explain TS clearly too. (precision, clarity) E: Example was also not accurate as I was not clear. R: Missed out reiteration, did not link back to TS and question.

Body 2 (Ding) P: Misinterpreted the question as asking for "factors important for success" thus, TS was also wrong. (precision) E: Talked about values but only use one of it to elaborate on point thus elaboration was quite specific E: Irrelevant examples that does not specifically link to the question (accuracy) R: Also irrelevant as I misinterpreted the question (relevance)

Body 3 (Dong) P: Missed addressing the question, does not give what the question wants (clarity) E: Irrelevant elaboration to the question (relevance) E: Generic and made up example R: No link to question as i mistook it for asking for factors for success. (relevance)

Conclusion: Qualifying statement- Justification does not show how success and formal education is defined. (accuracy, clarity) Closure was not really memorable too.

Corrections:

Intro: As formal education which is education in school system becomes more common, informal education still remains popular among the youths today.(Vague statement and not a good way to start) Formal or not, these people has still been able find success. However the degree of success is all up to the individual, whether it’s becoming wealthy, gaining appreciation or even simply just living a contented life may be success to them. Some people may say that success is only achievable through formal education as they are put into a system that is similar to the working world which makes them more likely to survive and eventually succeed. I beg to differ. I feel that even without formal education people are still able to achieve success as long as they used to having their own schedule, individual's ability and???????? (your reasons are still vague and unclear)

Worst Paragraph: (Dong) Thirdly, success like appreciating the arts and music with the absence of formal education is still possible as it should not limit the boundaries of the level of success we get. This depends on the individual's ability to study smart or street smart in any kind of environment to gain other essential values which may not be learned in a formal education system. This means that even if we put someone who works best informal education environment (you have provided any definition for this) , he may not be able to work as well as in a formal education environment. This might hinder his chances of achieving success which in this case is appreciating the arts and music, is more appropriate for informal education. Informal learning is more direct towards the learner. This interaction brings the them closer to the subject of learning and may be more helpful. For example, 69% of the awards ofEnvironmental Literacy Grants Program (ELG) was awarded to people with informal education in 2012. This shows that informal education is getting more recognised now and its definitely possible to succeed in what you really specialise in without formal education.
This whole para is vague. Pls print this out abd see me for consultation.

# data[].attributes.body
INTRO

Question Interpretation - I misinterpreted some parts of the Q (ACCURACY)

I show balance but it is not ACCURATE or PRECISE

I did not provide enough SCOPE (BREADTH)

ETC

BODY 1 (Ding)

P TS is not RELEVANT or vague (CLARITY) - not answering the Q

E Does not support the TS (RELEVANCE)

E Not enough details - (PRECISION)

R Did not link to the Q/ Repeated the phrases in Q

BODY 2 Dong

P Contradicted the earlier point as I did not use a qualifying phrase... (PRECISION)

Analyse the rest of the paragraphs - EVERY PARA!