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When I was younger, I didn't fit in with anyone, and the only people I knew outside of my family were my cousins; how ironic is that? In elementary school, I myself went through a period in which I was the victim of bullying. I used to be this dark-skinned little girl who had no reason to boast about anything. I was being bullied because of my appearance, my behavior, and other factors that I had no power to change. There was a bunch of bullies who would regularly make fun of me. They would always pick on me. They always say the phrases “Inah putot!”, “Inah maldita!” and many hurtful words. One time when I was bullied, my father drove to my school and was looking for “Biboy” the bully, unfortunately Biboy ran away and gone to their house. My father was the only person who ever stood up for me. I didn't tell any of my teachers about it because I was scared that if I did, they would start picking on me even more frequently. I finished elementary school with honors but also with a lot of anxiety. I finished my secondary schooling at a different school, and although I was never bullied there, I never felt like I belonged there either. I always felt like an outsider.

Those terrible experiences in the past have impacted not just my mind but also my emotions and my social life. My nervousness prevents me from reaching out to new people and developing new friends. It was difficult to trust other individuals or to form bonds with them. It got to the point where I wasn't even being myself anymore because I was trying so hard to fit in with a group of individuals to whom I felt I belonged. Those were some of the most difficult years of my life. I really want to put it out of my mind, but I just can't since it had such a profound impact on who I am today.

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The cliché adage says "Poverty is not a hindrance to success."

No, it has always been a hindrance, a hindrance that can be turn into motivation.

I was born and raised in an economically disadvantaged family. I am the third among four daughters. My parents separated long time ago. I was 4 years old when my mother left us and she has another family now.  My father is the sole breadwinner of the family, working as a habal-habal driver who earns meager income. There is nothing about him that I am not proud of. He persevered to provide us with our two most basic needs: food and education despite of our financial status.

As we were 5 in the family then, the struggle of equally dividing everything was real. Funny as it sounds, my Ate Irish was a conventional decision maker. She managed well to give us a fair share of everything. From dried fish, canned sardines mixed with hot water, mongos, sauteed alugbati and kangkong, fried and inun-unan tamban tuloy fish, she did wonders in making partitions out of them.

I grew up thinking that having a single penny is something unusual for a child as young as six years old.

When I was in my elementary years, I experienced selling anything a school and washing laundries of our neighbor just to earn. As I was getting older, my grasp on poverty had become more elaborate.

As I reached high school, challenges seemed to have exponentially grown. By then, my father got a health problem and stayed at home for how many months. As a result, we depended our daily expenses from my sister who was a working student that time. That was a grueling six years. I graduated high school with one biggest question, "Will I be able to enter college?"

God has always been a listener. I am now a scholar of CHED, though not a full scholar. It is a dream come true since I also passed the entrance exam in Cebu Normal University.

Despite all setbacks in life, I will strive hard to finish college. Kudos!

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When I was a kid, I wanted so badly to become an adult. I thought it would mean freedom—to eat as many candies as I can, to play as long as I want, and to do only the things I love. No one will dictate my life, I would be free and happy.

I was naive. I didn’t know becoming an adult would mean electric bills, failed relationships, disappointments, and midlife crisis. I didn’t know becoming an adult would mean forgetting about your passion and dreams because it won’t pay the bills.

Maybe I should have stayed as that kid playing in the vast fields—flying a kite made up of plastics, broom stick and white thread. I should have stayed as that child always crying after losing a game and wailing whenever I scraped my knees. I should have stayed as that innocent youngling, not knowing how the people inside the television got in.

I should have stayed young, free and without worries. If I only knew it would be like this...if I only knew then...I wouldn't have wished to grow up.

The pressure to accomplish something big at this age is scary. It feels heavier because it seems like everyone is watching your every step. And it is difficult to handle the fear of being a disappointment when you already lost yourself because of their expectations. I know it. I know it well because I still run away from them even today.
I want to find where the path my feet are for but I can't stand carrying those words— the ones uttered by people around me. No matter how hard I try to escape, I still go back to zero. The wound in my heart is already deep— too deep that it pains my soul, too. If only I had known that adulting would be this hard to surpass, I would not exchange my younger days thinking of ways to be the best at everything so I would get all the love from everyone. If only I had known, I would have just let my younger self played, and not pushed myself to learn every single thing they teach me to earn medals and recognition. If only I had known, I would tell myself that it is totally fine to cry. If only I had known these before, maybe I wouldn't be this sad today because I just figured it out this late. I regret letting them control me. I regret clothing my sufferings with the glory of being an achiever for their sake.

Now, I am actually clueless about how to handle my life, where to take my first step to survive the days ahead, or how to search for the happiness of being myself. I just can't figure it out now, but maybe soon, I will.

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For too long I stressed over so many things about my future. I worried bout never reaching my potential and disappointing people. Anxiety was a constant storm I had to take shelter from. And the list could go on about me stressing about so much.

Allow me to share the progress that I made over the years:
7 y/o me would be proud I now know how to make friends (somehow)

9 y/o me would be proud i stopped pleasing other people & take their opinions as my identity

11 y/o me would be proud I'm not afraid to take risks or to make mistakes

13 y/o me would be proud how i prioritize self-love now, how i have built myself after encountering greatest struggles in my life

15 y/o me would be proud I'm pursuing my passion, & dreaming bigger dreams

17 y/o me would be proud i have forgiven her already after countless nights of thinking she's a great disappointment

19 y/o me would be proud I'm now taking care of myself, knowing how to set healthy boundaries, & most of all protecting my peace at all cost.

I have been unlearning unhealthy habits, & learning new healthy patterns. It is not easy, but I know this is how I'll push myself towards growth.

I forgive my old self for all her mistakes. She only did what she knew best at that time.

I love my present self. She's brave enough to sit still through uncomfortable season for the sake of growing. She constantly pursues healing in all aspects of her life.

And most of all, I'm rooting for the person I'm becoming. I know my future self is such a big goal digger, & is working hard towards fulfilling her dreams.

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My name is Inah Puton, 19 years old. I am currently residing at Liloan where it is home of the century-old Bagacay Point Lighthouse/Parola and world-famous Titay's Rosquillos.