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As a plus size black woman I face the heat all the time. I have flaws, I have insecurities, I have to deal with hearing whats accepted by others and what's frowned upon by many. Opening social media everyday and seeing what everyone lusts over and knowing you don't look remotely close to that can be draining mentally and physically. Being body shamed is something I wish on no one, it has you constantly checking yourself in the mirror wondering if what they say is true. "Women internalize the media’s unrealistic appearance ideals and engage in appearance comparisons, resulting in dissatisfaction with their own bodies."

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Being a woman is hard but being a black woman? is harder. I have to deal with being called masculine when it's really just me having to build up walls to protect myself because people don't respect my individuality or boundaries. I'm looked at as a wife, mother, and sexual pleaser but these things all cater to everyone else except me. Why aren't my wants and needs considered first? Who said that I wanted to even be any of those things? I deserve to be my own person and I should be able to create and become the person I want to be for me at my own pace and choice.

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I am someone who loves talking with family and friends about the future and how mine doesn't include children or a husband. Those last 6 words usually give me an odd stare  with mixed facial expressions of "why don't you want to have children?" "who doesn't want a family?" "who doesn't want to become a wife?" I don't, not right now at least. With the mindset and space I'm in, that's just not what I see for myself. I still have a ton of growing, learning and experiences to encounter so I'll stand tall on this decision until then. I enjoy not having any responsibilities and doing what I want, when I want, whenever I please. I even get asked on a daily basis whether I have a partner or not and it's not something I'm currently interested in having.

I come from a Jamaican family and "holding a man" is something that's extremely glorified by some of my female elders. I remember on one thanksgiving day, I was extremely young, my relative said to me that I should make sure to know how to cook if I want a man and to keep him. I didn't think too hard on it and just laughed it off because what was there to say? Now thinking back on that situation, that was a ridiculous comment to make, especially to a child. What does knowing how to cook have to do with a man? As if that's gonna keep him?

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Social media is now the biggest thing these days. It's peoples way of making money, spreading knowledge but also can be ones platform to cause damage. There are many apps that can make these examples possible such as instagram, facebook, tiktok, snapchat, reels, and podcasts. As I roam these apps I notice women are being targeted the most in these "life talks" on said platform. "What can women do to be better for men? What does she bring to the table?" are 2 questions I've heard on podcasts daily. I also take heed on the types of men that always ask these same questions and the women who participate in these discussions as well. I notice that they're misogynists whether they'd like to admit it or not. Listening to some of the things these men would say and hearing the women cosign it can mess with you mentally because this is how society thinks as a whole. I remember encountering a video where a podcast host (man) was having a discussion with the women on his podcast about other women being in relationships and living their life at the same time. The conversation went on with the woman saying "I just feel you (podcast host) paint women like we're sex objects and bimbos. There are intelligent women out there, I want to live my life and experience new things and have fun. I believe we can do that while still being with our partner" This man in response, said "You can't have both, if we have kids f*%* your life. If you want to get into a relationship, you're auditioning to become a wife, and your whole purpose of being a wife is to have children." While he says all of that, there was no mention of him as a boyfriend/potential husband reciprocating that expectation. Why should women throw their life away because they have kids? There's no correlation in that.

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Growing up I was the only girl child in my family, the only sister, cousin, and niece. I was surrounded by all my male relatives and this caused me to have boy-like characteristics. My family would always "jokingly" call me a tomboy but honestly, it was true. I dressed like a boy, and acted like a boy (more interested in video games, playing with my cousin's action figures, watching anime, reading comic books, and playing rough). When I started school, I wouldn't say I had trouble making girlfriends but they didn't find my hobbies fun so we didn't have much to talk about. My voice wasn't the lightest or highest and I was never into wearing dresses and skirts with my hair done every week, I was more into cargo pants, baggy jeans, sweaters/sweatsuits with my hair braided back which gave the illusion that I was a boy but this also caused me to be bullied. Just because I take an interest in the things that are typically "meant" for boys doesn't mean I am one.