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Share your thoughts and/or key takeaways from this section. Build off of each other.

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Share your thoughts and/or key takeaways from this section. Build off of each other and think about how we can use this to support our students, parents, and staff.

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Camis, Tight Jeans, and Booty Shorts, Oh my! 

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Camis, Tight Jeans, and Booty Shorts, Oh my! 

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How do we support students in finding and discovering their own identity while still holding a boundary? How do we support ALL kids in this? How do we handle this when it conflicts with our own, personal morals/values?

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On page 122 Michelle Icard shares some characters to keep in mind to help us with our Botox Brow and to keep our thinking brains. Which character resonates with you and why?

"Spend time thinking about what motivated your kid's decision, to see if he needs help." (pg 124) How does this apply to our job as educators?

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How does the information in this section affect our classrooms and school community?

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When working through the MTSS behavior process and in collaborating with SISP I am constantly trying to understand the "why" behind sad or difficult things in our student's lives. I have been blown away by the responses or understandings I have come to realize. I chose Mary Poppins or Maria from the Sound of Music because I always felt drawn to them as a child. I value their motherly instincts, the love the pour into the kids, and the boundaries they are able to set in a kind and empathetic way.

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Google says humanity is defined as, "all human beings collectively; the human race; humankind. the quality or condition of being human; human nature." I remind myself, and others, that all humans have feelings, emotions, and desires. Reminding myself that although I may not agree with everything varying humans may believe in I focus on their humanity and the fact that all humans have souls and deserve respect.

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I think this is very important for both educators and parents to be on the same page and have open communication regarding bully. I believe having a trusted adult at school is a perfect way to help students navigate this very difficult situation. I also think that it is important for a student to find their niche in a school that allows them to shine as well as provide leadership opportunities for students to counteract the negativity they may be experiencing due to a bullying incident(s).

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This is a very difficult situation when you are dealing with your own child. I think as teachers we often are surprised when we hear about students we thought were kind have been hurtful to their peers. I feel understanding the why behind their thinking in order to help them rethink their choices and empathize with others to change their negative behaviors impacting their peers.

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I do not believe students should have cell phones in middle school. I did not give my child a cell phone until Freshman year and even then they had no Social Media. The reason being is I have seen way too many times when students with impulsive choices have posted/texted inappropriate or hurtful things that they can't take back. Setting limitations and parameters can deter this but kids are smart and can access technology and create accounts without even having a cell phone these days.

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I liked when the author states that we teach our kids "that every time someone mistreats them" that is bullying. This helps to make sure we are not underrepresenting those who are victims of bullying.
The nine suggestions on pages 109-110 are also very helpful for a parent to learn.

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I feel like this is a tough topic for people in general. Bullying can be very subjective and it is about having conversations with both sides. Does the bully realize that what they are saying or doing is hurtful to others and has the one being bullied let someone they trust know what is happening so that a conversation can be had. There are times where the person doing the bullying is just repeating a learned behavior and doesn't understand that it can be hurtful. As parents and those working with students I think it is important to also take into consideration all sides, is this intentional? If intentional then absolutely empathized with bullied student and help them sort through their feelings helping to restore that feeling of power and control. This is a skill that will help them through out life.

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Not My Kid--Oh, Wait...-Kristin Benjamin

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Not My Kid--Oh, Wait...-Kristin Benjamin

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This is so tough for so many parents we don't ever want to think our kids are "that kid". With my first I was the parent that reacted more harshly, not always listening to my child's point of view. I have learned to listen more react less or later. I will hear both sides as questions like why? where is this coming from? and then discuss other options that could have been used/done (hopefully my child coming up with these options) and then forgiveness by letting them know everyone makes mistakes, it's what we learn from the mistakes that is important, and also that if it happens again that it is no longer a mistake at this point it becomes a choice since we have talked about it. I also talk about what is the best way to apologize for actions? A written apology, a phone call or face to face discussion and that they need to be sincere and understand how their action affected someone else.

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I agree with this. I think the restorative practices and having Joey take the time to discuss behaviors with the students in Choices will help students to understand when they are actually bullying someone.

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Camis, Tight Jean, and Booty Shorts, Oh my!

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Camis, Tight Jean, and Booty Shorts, Oh my!

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I think it is important for students to be able to discover their identity but they also need to learn that different situations require different behaviors. I like the way the author has DEEFCON levels for the different outfits and makes it clear to their child when it is appropriate to wear certain clothing items.

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I don't think middle school children need social media. Since this book has been published, there has been a lot of research on the negative effects of social media on adolescents.  I do think if parents are going to allow their child to have social media, they need to discuss it often with their child and monitor it regularly.  We have recently seen the impact of middle schoolers making inappropriate decisions on social media/group texts that has impacted their lives.

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I do believe giving students opportunities like a semi-formal dance, or dress for success days can teach students about different occasion wear. Many students might not have the opportunity to go to a play or have role models at home that can show them what business attire might be for a young person.

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Anonymous

1m

I love the idea of DEFCON levels for clothing and wish that I had that information when my girls were little. Expression through clothing identity is wonderful but having guidelines for appropriateness is where I feel like a lot of parents struggle. The options that clothing retailers provide don't help either, I wish the retailers would work with education or DEFCON levels.

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I agree with more opportunities with different occasions, when I was in school for sporting events you dressed up that signified you were involved in some sporting event within the school.

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Lori McDonald
So many times we hear parents say "My child didn't do that" or "That other kid has been a problem for years, my child doesn't act like that." This chapter should be read by all parents. They need to understand we all make mistakes, "..capable of hurting other people". Parents need the  strategies talked about in this chapter.  I really liked #4 on page 113: "Model forgiveness and reinforce that you support and love your child despite the mistake(s) she made."

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Camis, TightJeans, and Booty Shorts, Oh My!

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Camis, TightJeans, and Booty Shorts, Oh My!

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Lori McDonald:
All I could think about was watching episodes of Chrisley Knows Best! The dad was all about fashion and wanted his kids to dress a certain way. They had many arguments of what Savannah was wearing almost every episode while his older son would steal clothes from Todd's closet.
I did agree with not linking their fashion choices to body types!

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Lori McDonald:
Take a breath, public humiliation would feel good to the adult is not what you really want. You want the feeling of guilt so that it doesn't happen again!  This is spot on!
I did enjoy the part when you want to go "ballistic" channel a role model. Cool Hand Luke to Katniss Everdeen, I am still laughing!

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Lori McDonald:
Before we had technology for every student, I remember allowing students to use their cell phones in the classroom for various activities. So I feel the need for them in our classroom is not needed. As for the school community, it has changed from students needed to let parents know where they are after school to letting the world know where they are after school. So many students do not have restrictions when it comes to their cell phones and do not think about where the post, text, or video they do will end up. I understand when the author stated that no middle schooler wants to be different, and there are positives that come with cell phones. My concern is that parents are using it as a babysitter and not monitoring how their child is using it. These kids have grown up with that cell phone in their had as soon as they are able to hold it (just look around the next time you go out to eat).

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I like how this area talked about not going off a hunch and having proof. Preteen/teen behavior can seem sneaky even with something that is not. I also really like tying the consequence to the root of the problem. Sometimes the action may not match the root and the root is the true issue that needs curbing. In education if we take time for the conversation to delve into the root we may be surprised by what it is such as "clothing doesn't fit right" or are they being teased and the reaction/infraction doesn't match the root. With the conversation we can address the root with the student and come up with alternative solutions while also letting them know that the infraction will have consequences.

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Cell phones have become such a huge part of society in general for communication.  Many people no longer have "landlines" and the cell phone has taken its place.  I do see where cell phone"ownership" has gotten younger and younger.  I agree with the author in considering the reasons for the ownership by a child.  I started cell phones for my children as they entered 6th grade and it was for the purpose of communication for sporting practices, if they got off the bus before someone was home they had to let us know they were home safe and also when they were getting on the bus.  I like the idea of starting proper communication and planning by the child and parents having parameters for cell phone use.  I also didn't buy anyone them the latest greatest.  They had to show responsibility first with a hand me down and if a phone needed replaced they had financial responsibility towards it.  It is so hard in the school environment with cell phones because many of our students don't have the same rules and regulations by their parents or guardians around their phones.  With current studies out that show detriment of cell phones with youth I would love to see the US follow suit to countries like France, Netherlands, Finland, Israel, China, Australia, Greece, Ghana, Rwanda and Uganda. These are countries that have banned cell phone disruption in the learning environment, some countries allow check in and check out of phones at the beginning of the day and some allow them in certain situations like trips off campus. I unfortunately don't feel like it will happen here but I wish it would.

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Icard points out that letting middle schoolers have cell phones is an easy way to help them feel "socially normal" (p. 127) and recommends 6th grade is a reasonable time to get one because it will acknowledge their "new maturity and responsibility" (p. 128). I have mixed feelings about the age because we are living in a world that utilizes such devices earlier and earlier, but we are also living in a world where nearly everything (good and bad) is available on a cell phone. Aside from the dangers and drama that can come along with a cell phone for middle schoolers, it's important to consider a child's ability to regulate time spent on a phone and what they are spending that time doing. Cell phone addiction is a real concern and it can impact students' ability to concentrate on tasks at school (even when technology is not involved), creativity, and even the ability to entertain oneself without feeling 'bored.' I noticed this book was published in 2014, I do wonder how it might be revised to reflect the emerging research on children and their (potential) addiction to cell phones?

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Sleight-Price

Modeling how to fix something they have done is always difficult. I often think students may not want to take our advice so it is difficult sometimes as a teacher to provide advice on how to fix a situation where they have been less than empathetic to their peers.

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Supporting students' quest to find their identity is important. Though middle schoolers are usually transitioning to weigh their peers' feedback more than the adults in their lives, adults can still impact how kids internalize their identities. I think it's worth mentioning that we can support their identities by complimenting or discussing things other than their appearance. As far as moral/value conflicts go, as a school employee we should be upholding the school dress code. Beyond that, I don't think it is our place to comment on what we think of a student's choice of clothing. We can support their identity in terms of their clothing choices by enforcing the adopted dress code (whether we personally agree with it or not) in a neutral tone. We should avoid saying things like 'I can't believe your parents let you buy this' or 'I don't even know why you would want to wear this.' The judgement can bring a child down. If a student wants to discuss it more, explaining different environments require different clothing can be helpful. I think the DEFCON list can help with personal decisions made at home.

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Great point, Lori! I think forgiveness is the key to having a trusting relationship. I'd like to add to the point you made where Icard states "yes, your child is capable of hurting other people, even repeatedly, but this does not define your child's character going forward" (p. 113). While this is true for parenting, it is very true for teachers and school staff, too. It's important we do not define a child by "bad behavior" (even if it drives us a little crazy). Each day should be treated as a new day with every child. Kids notice when they perceive an adult doesn't "like" them. Though this act of forgiveness may not seem to go far during our daily interactions, in the long run that student will likely look back and remember you treated them kindly. As an adult, they may reflect on how difficult that might have been for you and (maybe!) they'll try to impart that wisdom on the children in their life.

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I agree with the author that a strong emotional response is better than no response or a child downplaying bullying.  They should be upset if they are mistreating another person.   ~~Ervin

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When the punishment fits the crime, I think the child will understand and "maybe" learn a lesson. Nothing ever good comes out of going "balllistic".~~Ervin

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I am really torn about this topic, but one thing I do know, set guidelines from the beginning and stick to them. ~~Ervin

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Deanna - Fashion is a trigger topic.  Students want to be in with the crowd and parents want to keep it real.  Until I was able to buy my own clothes, my mom only bought me clothing that were flattering, but not revealing, in style, but not ridiculous. She explained why showing too much in certain areas are going to attract boys in the wrong way.    We also were required to dress up for field trips where we went to a play and had to dress up on away game days.  The way you dress is part of the impression that people will form about you when you meet for the first time.

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The part about how bullying is a blanket term people use whenever someone is being a jerk. It's true and I feel like kids just can't be kids and pick and play with one another because everyone thinks it is bullying.

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This list of suggestions on page 113, number 6 was important for me. " Deliver a consequence that is both unemotional and stern. Tie the consequence to the action". I would say it is probably very hard as a parent to not be emotional when your child has done something wrong. What I would like to see in education is that educators and ADM make an effort to truly tie the consequence to the action. I realize this might be difficult to do, but not impossible.

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I loved the DEFCON section. Students need to learn what is appropriate to wear given the location/event, etc... Just like their behavior is different at different functions, etc.. I believe in a dress code and wish we had a stricter one. Students can show me their identity with their brain/words/actions.

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All I can think is "never let'em see you sweat". Keep calm and let the kid squirm wondering if you know what they did.

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I don't have children but if I did they would not have a cellphone in middle school. I worry about their vision problems later down the road and lack of social skills and inability to carry on a real conversation with someone MORE than worrying about them "fitting in and being normal".  If we could get middle schooler's to see that in the big scheme of things in life, it's not about your phone, your clothes, etc.... but about being yourself and how you treat others.

Phones cause more good than bad in my opinion.

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I don't know all of those characters very well, but Maria from Sound of Music is a good one to keep in mind. Even when Liesl is sneaking in the window, Maria doesn't call her out. Instead, she uses gentle guiding to help teach her "bigger" life lessons. Not sure if this translates to parenthood, but it could transfer to the school setting in that we can be more flexible and forgiving in how we address situations.

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I agree it is important to be on the same page with defining bullying, but I think it's also difficult because there are so many perspectives/versions of what actually happened. A term that seems like it should be objective is becoming subjective.

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Every child goes through growing pains - having to learn life lessons, along the way. Don't assume your child doesn't participate in conflict at school/online. We all make mistakes, so taking ownership of your mistakes is key.

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I liked the suggestion of practicing ahead of time, when situations like this occur.

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I agree with Marnie. I think the term bullying is used so frequently for any act of kids not being nice or polite to others. I don't think we should undermine true bullying but I think it's definitely important for kids to know the difference between true bullying and just picking/playing around with one another.

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I agree with many people's responses for this one. I think being a parent and a teacher helps my perspective on this. Even as good as my personal children usually are at school I also know there could be a time when I hear from a teacher, parent, friend otherwise. I always get all perspectives on any issues of conflict, etc so that I can wrap my head around all the things that are happening in the scenario and then can handle consequences from there.

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I liked the levels that were described in the chapter. I would never have thought of it that way. Having a girl who up until this year really didn't care what she wore made it easy because I would buy what I deemed appropriate. Now that she is in middle school we have had to have the conversations about what's appropriate at school vs church vs at home. It's also hard when you have a girl who is super tall and all legs to find things that are appropriate in many situations.

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It's so weird how your perspective changes on this as your child gets older and more involved in activities. My husband and I were both in agreement that Madison didn't need a cell phone until she could drive....lol....yet she has a cell phone. For us it was about communication now that she is out and about at FFA events, her horseback lessons, youth group, etc.....You definitely have to set boundaries. I have access to all her stuff and have to approve any apps. She will occasionally ask for social media and I'm not ready for that yet. She can text with friends that are important and I think that's enough right now. She can "use" some apps without the actual app anyways like you tube and that's enough for me.

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Renee Combs
I agree, Sirse!  It is not our place to judge or make comments.  However, upholding the school's policy on dress code is important.

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Renee Combs

I agree, cell phone use should be monitored.  My children had cell phones later in middle school, but were not allowed to be on social media.  I had "all access" to their phones/passwords.  Our "family rules" include putting your phone on a charger in my bedroom, at night.  Even for my Senior in high school.  She hated it!

Knowing what I NOW know about the negative impacts of cell phones on student leaning, attention, communication and social/emotional needs, I think I would've waited in giving them cell phones.