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ya allah, my heart feels uneasy. i know our relationship is haram, the way we talked last night, i apologize for. but what can we do? our parents don’t want us getting nikkah until after college, i have done my part on telling them and explaining my intentions for him, as his intentions for me are pure. and if his intentions are not pure, ya rabb i beg of you to change that. you have brought my naseeb so close to me, please don’t take him away from me. rather, take me before you take him, only then will I be able to die in peace. Ya rabb, you know everything, there’s no doubt in that. You must know how much our heart aches to be with each other, right? forgive me for my sins, my past sins, my current sins, my future sins. Forgive me for showing arrogance towards our religion, forgive me for forgetting the darkness of the grave. My rabb, I’m ashamed. Asking you for forgiveness while knowing our relationship is haram feels selfish. If this man is bad for me ya Allah, make him good for me. I’ve noticed and I’m sure you’ve noticed as well, but becoming closer to him, has drawn me closer to you. Allah, I know he’s not that religious, but ya rabb, his parents never taught him how to read Quran, how to pray, how to be close to you. But he wants to learn, ya rabb let me teach him. At the end of the day, we are here because of you and we will return to you, ya Allah, build me a nice place with my naseeb in jannah, ameen

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im ruining you and you dont even notice

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I want to stop cutting for good I’ve been clean for like idk 5 days now? I want to stop I want a future with amir and I want my depression to go away I hate living like this and cutting over every single tiny thing I need to improve myself mentally and physically I’m scared to even go to school because I know people will notice my scars and I feel like whenever I see them on other people they’re so pretty but they’re so ugly on me and I need to get out of this house asap I need a job again and my drivers test needs to be retaken I can’t breathe in this house everything stresses me out I’ve kept my notebook from the physc ward and I’ve been using that as a coping mechanism kinda I’ve been writing in it but when I write it’s so much and I end up getting so drained and tired by the time I’m done and I just sleep all day i don’t even know what I’m rambling about I know I’ll keep cutting I always stop for periods of time but then relapse and it was way too bad this time I feel so bad I might just breakup with amir and I know I won’t marry or have a future with someone else I did kibo wrong he’s probably dead I’ll reach out to him later maybe idk I’m so overwhelmed I just need to sleep now I’m a mess

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I hated my physcatrist guy bro he wasn’t helping with shit I was having an anxiety attack and shaking and his ratass said “we learned breathing techniques for a reason Alesha” bro I’m on the verge of cracking up and some 50 yr old white man is telling me to calm down and I also got leveled up to level 4 instantly because I caught the nurse and Sarah fucking in the women’s bathroom and I told him to get me out quicker or else I’d tell my physcatrist and he worked his magic and bam but the hardest part was watching them change the bandages I think my arm must’ve been so close to falling off because it was genuinely covered in stitches and plaster clay and white bandages and so were my wrists but I relapsed a few times over the ones on my wrists and once you get to level 3+ men and women can be mixed and chase noticed and he asked about it and he seemed to care and he started saying all these sweet things to me and how he wanted something serious with me once we get out and he was really cool he had a nose peircing slim body belly peircing a tattoo on his back and he was pale he was so pale but I told him I have future planned with someone else and he didn’t seem to care and I kinda felt a little uncomfortable I mean I’d be straight up lying if I said I didn’t enjoy every bit of our interactions but it was kinda like why me yk like I knew he was just hypersexual and didn’t mean anything so I never took it seriously but I really need to get my shit together bro this is crazy

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Genuinely it usually takes me 1-2 weeks to get out of it but ohmygodbro 9 WEEKS bro that was terrible I got out 2 days ago but got my phone back and stuff yesterday and I haven’t texted my boyfriend cuz like I just can’t rn I want another week away from everyone but wow the last thing I remember before living there was that I got cardboard cutter from garage and crawled into my bathtub and yes ykykyk so yes then I made a friend kinda but not really just lustful but ig everyone in the physc ward somehow turns into a lustful little fuck so yes I clearly cheated on my boyfriend(?) idk if were together but the relationship is pretty serious since we’ve told our parents we wanna get married🤦🏻‍♀️ but the friends name was chase and chase was my age but he didn’t cut he just shot his arm and overdosed which he made up a bunch of excuses and he got out much earlier than me and we have each other’s contacts but I don’t want to reply to chase whatever happens in the physc ward stays in the physc ward but I do hope he’s doing better and he’s okay I see him as someone important in my life because he did teach me some things and I appreciate that but anyways enough of chase I made another friend her name was heather and she was 2 year’s older and we were roommates for a while until I got changed to Vanessa and I didn’t mind her tbh she was a cutter too and she lended me a can cap which she used to cut secretly but I think her dumbass gave me an infection

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Back from the physc ward WOW

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i told him

he's really nice to me

do i deserve this

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Im about to tell him that i sh

I think

I mean im trying

I want him to know

My stomach hurts

I cant

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Fuck man

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I think kibo committed

He hasnt texted me for 3 days ive known him for years hes not just going to randomly disappear and he was going through a really hard time and talked about it too but he didnt because of me but i was being really dry because of our argument and now hes not talking i cant handle this i am going to relapse

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He struggled with sh too

Dude im so attached now

This is bad this is really bad

I didnt want to get attached

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from dubai so i speak with a twang

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Was shaving my arms and when i got close to my wrist i felt so tempted to push down on the blade as hard as i could

but i didnt

why didnt i

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I really dont deserve you

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How do you expect me to give you more love and attention than I'm receiving

Like

You'll get all moody and insecure and even if i try to comfort you its whatever like that doesnt meant shit to you and then after a while you spam me talking about some "i miss you im so sorry" and then you start calling me baby and shit expecting me to go back to how i am and i always do because i dont want to fucking lose you and when i explain that shit to you u js tell me im never going to lose you but i know i will youre just lovebombing me and everytime i point it out you act all innocent and use your sweet words to distract me im not stupid i just play along because yeah i do like you

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Another fucking argument with you

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But that ex is the loml but this isnt the time i like amir i need to lock in

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I just flirted really hard with my ex

This isnt right i can't do this this is really bad i really like amir i need my ex out of here right now no im not dating amir but i dont want to have any side things i cant do this

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WE DID IT OMOGMGOMGOHMYGOSH.

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BRO HE KEEPS SAYING HE WANTS TO HOLD MY HAND SO IM LIKE OK DO IT AND THEN HES LIKE NO IM SCARED CAN YOU PLEASE HOLD MY HAND TOMMOROW AND IM LIKE NO IM SCARED YOU DO IT AND HES LIKE NO I CANT AND IM LIKE BE A MAN AND DO IT AND HES LIKE NO YOU DO IT PLEASE AND IM LIKE🤬🤬🤬

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No i dont trust you

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going to Arizona for a quick vacay in 3 days

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Ive been clean for like 3 months(?) im really proud of myself but i feel like the longer i stay clean for the more i wanna do it like literally as im typing this my wrists telling me to cut into it but im trying so hard not to i dont want to disappoint kibo

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im boutta see fine shyt in all black tmr😵‍💫

ha

ha

ha

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only been 21 days and im already so attached

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521 more days until i can leave this shithole

If i endure it until then

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I like knowing you like me

But would you like me after seeing my scars?

Would you like me after knowing how much i think about committing everyday?

Would you like me after knowing how many times ive overdosed?

Are you gonna put up with me when i break down over the smallest things?

Can you handle my anxiety attacks?

I dont think so

You're living a perfect life with a perfect family, a perfect friend group, perfect grades, perfect health

I can't ruin that for you

I'm sorry

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I want you to leave but i want you to stay

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my mum just hates to see me happy doesnt she

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You dont deserve to be waiting for someone like me

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How could something pure be so arousing

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we had the biggest argument last night

apparently we both have jealousy issues

dude we only just spoke to each other for the first time 15 days ago

and we're already attached

this is terrible its gonna end up so bad

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no im not who you see me as

but if you like this version of me then ill stay this way

if i crack up will you leave me ?

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i could close my eyes and draw your face into my skin

and you'll probably end up like how the others did

but i cant help the way i feel

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he wanted to get me something so bad so i said ok i want snickers and he got me TWO

yea imma needa wife you up asap

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cute

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matching w him tmr

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We're so cute together pls lock in

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I came home early because im sick and i couldnt handle it

Dude he didnt want me to leave he wanted me to stay so bad

I feel so bad for leaving but i couldnt handle being that sick at school

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Everyday i fall more and more in love with you

And i can feel you falling too

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You dont like drinking

You dont like drugs

You dont like drawing scars

You hate the smell of weed

You'll hate to know who i am when im not with you then

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Got paired up in french class with a girl i admired

Saw a bunch of fresh sh scars on her hands up to her elbows

Made me realize you never truly know how much someone is struggling on the inside even though it may seem that their life is perfect

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Imy because i actually did consider us sisters, you reminded my of my younger self and it hurts that you've become like this because youre so much better than this, you let your ego get in the way and ruined the friendship we had and i did what i had to so i could protect myself

I told you that you'd get involved with the wrong people

I told you that you would feel like its worth it in the moment

And even now, i see that you think youve got it all figured out but i know how these people are

But you didnt even consider listening to me because you told me you werent stupid and could see through people, but i didnt think you were stupid

No, i never once thought you were stupid

I just wanted to warn you

Those people are gonna turn their backs on you the second they dont need you

My ex that your dating now? He's cheating on you with youre best friend and another freshman, why are you so blind?

I'd tell you about it but i want you to experience the life you chose

Those girls youre friends with? You're just there to keep their secrets hidden

The moment you get caught will all that illegal shit, they'll back your beef and then when youre not around, they'll send statements in

You'll get worse with drugs, nobodies gonna talk to you or check up on you, your whole lifes gonna fall apart

I've seen this shit and i wanted you to understand so that you dont end up how i did a couple years back

At the end of the day, people over here dont give a shit about anyone but themselves

I miss you but i dont want to be involved with you ever again

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I should probably start taking myself seriously

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Being avoidant attachment AND extremely sensitive can seriously fuck a relationship up

Like yes i know youre the loml yes i know deep down i love you so why am i pushing you away and telling you to give me space, but when you give me space, why do i get upset and emotional and come to the conclusion that you dont want anything to do with me?

I know you like me because i know you so why do i gaslight myself into thinking you dont have feelings for me just so i can start up an argument with you?

Maybe i just want more attention but im getting more than enough why do i need so much from you its not fair to you

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Fuck you

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How can I judge how you cope with life

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i love Pinterest and spotify

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╭── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╮

alesha ┊2009 ┊she/her

10.23.25 ┊ pakistani/arab

socials:

Pinterest: alesha2tuff

Spotify: 657k

Insta: 657k_a2

Tiktok: 657k_a (not on here much)

Disc: 657k_

╰── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╯