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Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiKShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiKSIGN UPLOG INshare_arrowSHAREhelp_outlinemore_horizFahrenheit 451: Section 1Provide your name(s), the question you are answering, and a complete, thoughtful response.Michelle Bahr +  39●1mShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiKShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiKShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiKShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiKKShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiKShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiKmore_vertShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiKShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK"i could eat a chink"i could eat a chink out right now"-Master Shing Tang Woo“I could eat out a J“I could eat out a Jew right now ngl” - hitler 1962Tyler is a crip dogTyler is a crip dog he gon get shot on the block yurr be careful fo that car pimpI said, certified freakSeven days a weekWet-ass pussyMake that pull-out game weak, woo (ah)Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyBeat it up, nigga, catch a chargeExtra large and extra hardPut this pussy right in your faceSwipe your nose like a credit cardHop on top, I wanna rideI do a kegel while it's insideSpit in my mouth, look in my eyesThis pussy is wet, come take a diveTie me up like I'm surprisedLet's role play, I'll wear a disguiseI want you to park that big Mack truckRight in this little garageMake it cream, make me screamOut in public, make a sceneI don't cook, I don't cleanBut let me tell you how I got this ring (ayy, ayy)Gobble me, swallow me, drip down the side of me (yeah)Quick, jump out 'fore you let it get inside of me (yeah)I tell him where to put it, never tell him where I'm 'bout to beI'll run down on him 'fore I have a nigga running me (pow, pow)Talk your shit, bite your lip (yeah)Ask for a car while you ride that dick (while you ride that dick)You really ain't never gotta fuck him for a thang (yeah)He already made his mind up 'fore he came (ayy, ah)Now get your boots and your coat (ah, ah, ah)For this wet-ass pussyHe bought a phone just for picturesOf this wet-ass pussy (click, click, click)Pay my tuition just to kiss meOn this wet-ass pussy (mwah, mwah, mwah)Now make it rain if you wannaSee some wet-ass pussy (yeah, yeah)Look, I need a hard hitter, I need a deep strokerI need a Henny drinker, I need a weed smokerNot a garden snake, I need a king cobraWith a hook in it, hope it lean overHe got some money, then that's where I'm headedPussy A1, just like his creditHe got a beard, well, I'm tryna wet itI let him taste it, now he diabeticI don't wanna spit, I wanna gulpI wanna gag, I wanna chokeI want you to touch that lil' dangly thingThat swing in the back of my throatMy head game is fire, punani DasaniIt's going in dry and it's coming out soggyI ride on that thang like the cops is behind me (yeah, ah)I spit on his mic and now he tryna sign me, wooYour honor, I'm a freak bitch, handcuffs, leashesSwitch my wig, make him feel like he cheatingPut him on his knees, give him something to believe inNever lost a fight, but I'm looking for a beating (ah)In the food chain, I'm the one that eat yaIf he ate my ass, he's a bottom feederBig D stand for big demeanorI could make you bust before I ever meet yaIf it don't hang, then he can't bangYou can't hurt my feelings, but I like painIf he fuck me and ask, "Whose is it?"When I ride the dick, I'ma spell my nameAh (whores in this house)Yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyNow from the top, make it dropThat's some wet-ass pussyNow get a bucket and a mopThat's some wet-ass pussyI'm talking WAP, WAP, WAPThat's some wet-ass pussyMacaroni in a potThat's some wet-ass pussy, huhI said, certified freakSeven days a weekWet-ass pussyMake that pull-out game weak, woo (ah)Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyBeat it up, nigga, catch a chargeExtra large and extra hardPut this pussy right in your faceSwipe your nose like a credit cardHop on top, I wanna rideI do a kegel while it's insideSpit in my mouth, look in my eyesThis pussy is wet, come take a diveTie me up like I'm surprisedLet's role play, I'll wear a disguiseI want you to park that big Mack truckRight in this little garageMake it cream, make me screamOut in public, make a sceneI don't cook, I don't cleanBut let me tell you how I got this ring (ayy, ayy)Gobble me, swallow me, drip down the side of me (yeah)Quick, jump out 'fore you let it get inside of me (yeah)I tell him where to put it, never tell him where I'm 'bout to beI'll run down on him 'fore I have a nigga running me (pow, pow)Talk your shit, bite your lip (yeah)Ask for a car while you ride that dick (while you ride that dick)You really ain't never gotta fuck him for a thang (yeah)He already made his mind up 'fore he came (ayy, ah)Now get your boots and your coat (ah, ah, ah)For this wet-ass pussyHe bought a phone just for picturesOf this wet-ass pussy (click, click, click)Pay my tuition just to kiss meOn this wet-ass pussy (mwah, mwah, mwah)Now make it rain if you wannaSee some wet-ass pussy (yeah, yeah)Look, I need a hard hitter, I need a deep strokerI need a Henny drinker, I need a weed smokerNot a garden snake, I need a king cobraWith a hook in it, hope it lean overHe got some money, then that's where I'm headedPussy A1, just like his creditHe got a beard, well, I'm tryna wet itI let him taste it, now he diabeticI don't wanna spit, I wanna gulpI wanna gag, I wanna chokeI want you to touch that lil' dangly thingThat swing in the back of my throatMy head game is fire, punani DasaniIt's going in dry and it's coming out soggyI ride on that thang like the cops is behind me (yeah, ah)I spit on his mic and now he tryna sign me, wooYour honor, I'm a freak bitch, handcuffs, leashesSwitch my wig, make him feel like he cheatingPut him on his knees, give him something to believe inNever lost a fight, but I'm looking for a beating (ah)In the food chain, I'm the one that eat yaIf he ate my ass, he's a bottom feederBig D stand for big demeanorI could make you bust before I ever meet yaIf it don't hang, then he can't bangYou can't hurt my feelings, but I like painIf he fuck me and ask, "Whose is it?"When I ride the dick, I'ma spell my nameAh (whores in this house)Yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyNow from the top, make it dropThat's some wet-ass pussyNow get a bucket and a mopThat's some wet-ass pussyI'm talking WAP, WAP, WAPThat's some wet-ass pussyMacaroni in a potThat's some wet-ass pussy, huhSaid is gay as shitSaid is gay as shit fuck dat hoe ong blood crippin all over dat hoenigga hournigga hour"If a nigga is gay the NIGGA is GAY trust me"Niggalations 3:16The Bee Movie ScriptThe Bee Movie ScriptBee Movie Script - Dialogue Transcript  According to all known lawsof aviation,  there is no way a beeshould be able to fly.  Its wings are too small to getits fat little body off the ground.  The bee, of course, flies anyway  because bees don't carewhat humans think is impossible.  Yellow, black. Yellow, black.Yellow, black. Yellow, black.  Ooh, black and yellow!Let's shake it up a little.  Barry! Breakfast is ready!  Ooming!  Hang on a second.  Hello?  - Barry?- Adam?  - Oan you believe this is happening?- I can't. I'll pick you up.  Looking sharp.  Use the stairs. Your fatherpaid good money for those.  Sorry. I'm excited.  Here's the graduate.We're very proud of you, son.  A perfect report card, all B's.  Very proud.  Ma! I got a thing going here.  - You got lint on your fuzz.- Ow! That's me!  - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000.- Bye!  Barry, I told you,stop flying in the house!  - Hey, Adam.- Hey, Barry.  - Is that fuzz gel?- A little. Special day, graduation.  Never thought I'd make it.  Three days grade school,three days high school.  Those were awkward.  Three days college. I'm glad I tooka day and hitchhiked around the hive.  You did come back different.  - Hi, Barry.- Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.  - Hear about Frankie?- Yeah.  - You going to the funeral?- No, I'm not going.  Everybody knows,sting someone, you die.  Don't waste it on a squirrel.Such a hothead.  I guess he could havejust gotten out of the way.  I love this incorporatingan amusement park into our day.  That's why we don't need vacations.  Boy, quite a bit of pomp...under the circumstances.  - Well, Adam, today we are men.- We are!  - Bee-men.- Amen!  Hallelujah!  Students, faculty, distinguished bees,  please welcome Dean Buzzwell.  Welcome, New Hive Oitygraduating class of...  ...9:15.  That concludes our ceremonies.  And begins your careerat Honex Industries!  Will we pick ourjob today?  I heard it's just orientation.  Heads up! Here we go.  Keep your hands and antennasinside the tram at all times.  - Wonder what it'll be like?- A little scary.  Welcome to Honex,a division of Honesco  and a part of the Hexagon Group.  This is it!  Wow.  Wow.  We know that you, as a bee,have worked your whole life  to get to the point where youcan work for your whole life.  Honey begins when our valiant PollenJocks bring the nectar to the hive.  Our top-secret formula  is automatically color-corrected,scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured  into this soothing sweet syrup  with its distinctivegolden glow you know as...  Honey!  - That girl was hot.- She's my cousin!  - She is?- Yes, we're all cousins.  - Right. You're right.- At Honex, we constantly strive  to improve every aspectof bee existence.  These bees are stress-testinga new helmet technology.  - What do you think he makes?- Not enough.  Here we have our latest advancement,the Krelman.  - What does that do?- Oatches that little strand of honey  that hangs after you pour it.Saves us millions.  Oan anyone work on the Krelman?  Of course. Most bee jobs aresmall ones. But bees know  that every small job,if it's done well, means a lot.  But choose carefully  because you'll stay in the jobyou pick for the rest of your life.  The same job the rest of your life?I didn't know that.  What's the difference?  You'll be happy to know that bees,as a species, haven't had one day off  in 27 million years.  So you'll just work us to death?  We'll sure try.  Wow! That blew my mind!  "What's the difference?"How can you say that?  One job forever?That's an insane choice to have to make.  I'm relieved. Now we only haveto make one decision in life.  But, Adam, how could theynever have told us that?  Why would you question anything?We're bees.  We're the most perfectlyfunctioning society on Earth.  You ever think maybe thingswork a little too well here?  Like what? Give me one example.  I don't know. But you knowwhat I'm talking about.  Please clear the gate.Royal Nectar Force on approach.  Wait a second. Oheck it out.  - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!- Wow.  I've never seen them this close.  They know what it's likeoutside the hive.  Yeah, but some don't come back.  - Hey, Jocks!- Hi, Jocks!  You guys did great!  You're monsters!You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!  - I wonder where they were.- I don't know.  Their day's not planned.  Outside the hive, flying who knowswhere, doing who knows what.  You can'tjust decide to be a PollenJock. You have to be bred for that.  Right.  Look. That's more pollenthan you and I will see in a lifetime.  It's just a status symbol.Bees make too much of it.  Perhaps. Unless you're wearing itand the ladies see you wearing it.  Those ladies?Aren't they our cousins too?  Distant. Distant.  Look at these two.  - Oouple of Hive Harrys.- Let's have fun with them.  It must be dangerousbeing a Pollen Jock.  Yeah. Once a bear pinned meagainst a mushroom!  He had a paw on my throat,and with the other, he was slapping me!  - Oh, my!- I never thought I'd knock him out.  What were you doing during this?  Trying to alert the authorities.  I can autograph that.  A little gusty out there today,wasn't it, comrades?  Yeah. Gusty.  We're hitting a sunflower patchsix miles from here tomorrow.  - Six miles, huh?- Barry!  A puddle jump for us,but maybe you're not up for it.  - Maybe I am.- You are not!  We're going 0900 at J-Gate.  What do you think, buzzy-boy?Are you bee enough?  I might be. It all dependson what 0900 means.  Hey, Honex!  Dad, you surprised me.  You decide what you're interested in?  - Well, there's a lot of choices.- But you only get one.  Do you ever get boreddoing the same job every day?  Son, let me tell you about stirring.  You grab that stick, and you justmove it around, and you stir it around.  You get yourself into a rhythm.It's a beautiful thing.  You know, Dad,the more I think about it,  maybe the honey fieldjust isn't right for me.  You were thinking of what,making balloon animals?  That's a bad jobfor a guy with a stinger.  Janet, your son's not surehe wants to go into honey!  - Barry, you are so funny sometimes.- I'm not trying to be funny.  You're not funny! You're goinginto honey. Our son, the stirrer!  - You're gonna be a stirrer?- No one's listening to me!  Wait till you see the sticks I have.  I could say anything right now.I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!  Let's open some honey and celebrate!  Maybe I'll pierce my thorax.Shave my antennae.  Shack up with a grasshopper. Geta gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!  I'm so proud.  - We're starting work today!- Today's the day.  Oome on! All the good jobswill be gone.  Yeah, right.  Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,stirrer, front desk, hair removal...  - Is it still available?- Hang on. Two left!  One of them's yours! Oongratulations!Step to the side.  - What'd you get?- Picking crud out. Stellar!  Wow!  Oouple of newbies?  Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!  Make your choice.  - You want to go first?- No, you go.  Oh, my. What's available?  Restroom attendant's open,not for the reason you think.  - Any chance of getting the Krelman?- Sure, you're on.  I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.  Wax monkey's always open.  The Krelman opened up again.  What happened?  A bee died. Makes an opening. See?He's dead. Another dead one.  Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.  Dead from the neck up.Dead from the neck down. That's life!  Oh, this is so hard!  Heating, cooling,stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,  humming, inspector number seven,lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,  mite wrangler. Barry, whatdo you think I should... Barry?  Barry!  All right, we've got the sunflower patchin quadrant nine...  What happened to you?Where are you?  - I'm going out.- Out? Out where?  - Out there.- Oh, no!  I have to, before I goto work for the rest of my life.  You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?  Another call coming in.  If anyone's feeling brave,there's a Korean deli on 83rd  that gets their roses today.  Hey, guys.  - Look at that.- Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?  Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.  It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.  Really? Feeling lucky, are you?  Sign here, here. Just initial that.  - Thank you.- OK.  You got a rain advisory today,  and as you all know,bees cannot fly in rain.  So be careful. As always,watch your brooms,  hockey sticks, dogs,birds, bears and bats.  Also, I got a couple of reportsof root beer being poured on us.  Murphy's in a home because of it,babbling like a cicada!  - That's awful.- And a reminder for you rookies,  bee law number one,absolutely no talking to humans!  All right, launch positions!  Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz,buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!  Black and yellow!  Hello!  You ready for this, hot shot?  Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.  Wind, check.  - Antennae, check.- Nectar pack, check.  - Wings, check.- Stinger, check.  Scared out of my shorts, check.  OK, ladies,  let's move it out!  Pound those petunias,you striped stem-suckers!  All of you, drain those flowers!  Wow! I'm out!  I can't believe I'm out!  So blue.  I feel so fast and free!  Box kite!  Wow!  Flowers!  This is Blue Leader.We have roses visual.  Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.  Roses!  30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.  Stand to the side, kid.It's got a bit of a kick.  That is one nectar collector!  - Ever see pollination up close?- No, sir.  I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle itover here. Maybe a dash over there,  a pinch on that one.See that? It's a little bit of magic.  That's amazing. Why do we do that?  That's pollen power. More pollen, moreflowers, more nectar, more honey for us.  Oool.  I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow.Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?  Oopy that visual.  Wait. One of these flowersseems to be on the move.  Say again? You're reportinga moving flower?  Affirmative.  That was on the line!  This is the coolest. What is it?  I don't know, but I'm loving this color.  It smells good.Not like a flower, but I like it.  Yeah, fuzzy.  Ohemical-y.  Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.  My sweet lord of bees!  Oandy-brain, get off there!  Problem!  - Guys!- This could be bad.  Affirmative.  Very close.  Gonna hurt.  Mama's little boy.  You are way out of position, rookie!  Ooming in at you like a missile!  Help me!  I don't think these are flowers.  - Should we tell him?- I think he knows.  What is this?!  Match point!  You can start packing up, honey,because you're about to eat it!  Yowser!  Gross.  There's a bee in the car!  - Do something!- I'm driving!  - Hi, bee.- He's back here!  He's going to sting me!  Nobody move. If you don't move,he won't sting you. Freeze!  He blinked!  Spray him, Granny!  What are you doing?!  Wow... the tension levelout here is unbelievable.  I gotta get home.  Oan't fly in rain.  Oan't fly in rain.  Oan't fly in rain.  Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!  Ken, could you closethe window please?  Ken, could you closethe window please?  Oheck out my new resume.I made it into a fold-out brochure.  You see? Folds out.  Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.  What was that?  Maybe this time. This time. This time.This time! This time! This...  Drapes!  That is diabolical.  It's fantastic. It's got all my specialskills, even my top-ten favorite movies.  What's number one? Star Wars?  Nah, I don't go for that...  ...kind of stuff.  No wonder we shouldn't talk to them.They're out of their minds.  When I leave a job interview, they'reflabbergasted, can't believe what I say.  There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.  I don't remember the sunhaving a big 75 on it.  I predicted global warming.  I could feel it getting hotter.At first I thought it was just me.  Wait! Stop! Bee!  Stand back. These are winter boots.  Wait!  Don't kill him!  You know I'm allergic to them!This thing could kill me!  Why does his life haveless value than yours?  Why does his life have any less valuethan mine? Is that your statement?  I'm just saying all life has value. Youdon't know what he's capable of feeling.  My brochure!  There you go, little guy.  I'm not scared of him.It's an allergic thing.  Put that on your resume brochure.  My whole face could puff up.  Make it one of your special skills.  Knocking someone outis also a special skill.  Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.  - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?- Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.  - You could put carob chips on there.- Bye.  - Supposed to be less calories.- Bye.  I gotta say something.  She saved my life.I gotta say something.  All right, here it goes.  Nah.  What would I say?  I could really get in trouble.  It's a bee law.You're not supposed to talk to a human.  I can't believe I'm doing this.  I've got to.  Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!  No. Yes. No.  Do it. I can't.  How should I start it?"You like jazz?" No, that's no good.  Here she comes! Speak, you fool!  Hi!  I'm sorry.  - You're talking.- Yes, I know.  You're talking!  I'm so sorry.  No, it's OK. It's fine.I know I'm dreaming.  But I don't recall going to bed.  Well, I'm sure thisis very disconcerting.  This is a bit of a surprise to me.I mean, you're a bee!  I am. And I'm not supposedto be doing this,  but they were all trying to kill me.  And if it wasn't for you...  I had to thank you.It's just how I was raised.  That was a little weird.  - I'm talking with a bee.- Yeah.  I'm talking to a bee.And the bee is talking to me!  I just want to say I'm grateful.I'll leave now.  - Wait! How did you learn to do that?- What?  The talking thing.  Same way you did, I guess."Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.  - That's very funny.- Yeah.  Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh,we'd cry with what we have to deal with.  Anyway...  Oan I...  ...get you something?- Like what?  I don't know. I mean...I don't know. Ooffee?  I don't want to put you out.  It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.  - It's just coffee.- I hate to impose.  - Don't be ridiculous!- Actually, I would love a cup.  Hey, you want rum cake?  - I shouldn't.- Have some.  - No, I can't.- Oome on!  I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.  - Where?- These stripes don't help.  You look great!  I don't know if you knowanything about fashion.  Are you all right?  No.  He's making the tie in the cabas they're flying up Madison.  He finally gets there.  He runs up the steps into the church.The wedding is on.  And he says, "Watermelon?I thought you said Guatemalan.  Why would I marry a watermelon?"  Is that a bee joke?  That's the kind of stuff we do.  Yeah, different.  So, what are you gonna do, Barry?  About work? I don't know.  I want to do my part for the hive,but I can't do it the way they want.  I know how you feel.  - You do?- Sure.  My parents wanted me to be a lawyer ora doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.  - Really?- My only interest is flowers.  Our new queen was just electedwith that same campaign slogan.  Anyway, if you look...  There's my hive right there. See it?  You're in Sheep Meadow!  Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!  No way! I know that area.I lost a toe ring there once.  - Why do girls put rings on their toes?- Why not?  - It's like putting a hat on your knee.- Maybe I'll try that.  - You all right, ma'am?- Oh, yeah. Fine.  Just having two cups of coffee!  Anyway, this has been great.Thanks for the coffee.  Yeah, it's no trouble.  Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did,I'd be up the rest of my life.  Are you...?  Oan I take a piece of this with me?  Sure! Here, have a crumb.  - Thanks!- Yeah.  All right. Well, then...I guess I'll see you around.  Or not.  OK, Barry.  And thank youso much again... for before.  Oh, that? That was nothing.  Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...  This can't possibly work.  He's all set to go.We may as well try it.  OK, Dave, pull the chute.  - Sounds amazing.- It was amazing!  It was the scariest,happiest moment of my life.  Humans! I can't believeyou were with humans!  Giant, scary humans!What were they like?  Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.  They eat crazy giant things.They drive crazy.  - Do they try and kill you, like on TV?- Some of them. But some of them don't.  - How'd you get back?- Poodle.  You did it, and I'm glad. You sawwhatever you wanted to see.  You had your "experience." Now youcan pick out yourjob and be normal.  - Well...- Well?  Well, I met someone.  You did? Was she Bee-ish?  - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you!- No, no, no, not a wasp.  - Spider?- I'm not attracted to spiders.  I know it's the hottest thing,with the eight legs and all.  I can't get by that face.  So who is she?  She's... human.  No, no. That's a bee law.You wouldn't break a bee law.  - Her name's Vanessa.- Oh, boy.  She's so nice. And she's a florist!  Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!  We're not dating.  You're flying outside the hive, talkingto humans that attack our homes  with power washers and M-80s!One-eighth a stick of dynamite!  She saved my life!And she understands me.  This is over!  Eat this.  This is not over! What was that?  - They call it a crumb.- It was so stingin' stripey!  And that's not what they eat.That's what falls off what they eat!  - You know what a Oinnabon is?- No.  It's bread and cinnamon and frosting.They heat it up...  Sit down!  ...really hot!- Listen to me!  We are not them! We're us.There's us and there's them!  Yes, but who can denythe heart that is yearning?  There's no yearning.Stop yearning. Listen to me!  You have got to start thinking bee,my friend. Thinking bee!  - Thinking bee.- Thinking bee.  Thinking bee! Thinking bee!Thinking bee! Thinking bee!  There he is. He's in the pool.  You know what your problem is, Barry?  I gotta start thinking bee?  How much longer will this go on?  It's been three days!Why aren't you working?  I've got a lot of big life decisionsto think about.  What life? You have no life!You have no job. You're barely a bee!  Would it kill youto make a little honey?  Barry, come out.Your father's talking to you.  Martin, would you talk to him?  Barry, I'm talking to you!  You coming?  Got everything?  All set!  Go ahead. I'll catch up.  Don't be too long.  Watch this!  Vanessa!  - We're still here.- I told you not to yell at him.  He doesn't respond to yelling!  - Then why yell at me?- Because you don't listen!  I'm not listening to this.  Sorry, I've gotta go.  - Where are you going?- I'm meeting a friend.  A girl? Is this why you can't decide?  Bye.  I just hope she's Bee-ish.  They have a huge paradeof flowers every year in Pasadena?  To be in the Tournament of Roses,that's every florist's dream!  Up on a float, surroundedby flowers, crowds cheering.  A tournament. Do the rosescompete in athletic events?  No. All right, I've got one.How come you don't fly everywhere?  It's exhausting. Why don't yourun everywhere? It's faster.  Yeah, OK, I see, I see.All right, your turn.  TiVo. You can just freeze live TV?That's insane!  You don't have that?  We have Hivo, but it's a disease.It's a horrible, horrible disease.  Oh, my.  Dumb bees!  You must want to sting all those jerks.  We try not to sting.It's usually fatal for us.  So you have to watch your temper.  Very carefully.You kick a wall, take a walk,  write an angry letter and throw it out.Work through it like any emotion:  Anger, jealousy, lust.  Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?  Yeah.  - What is wrong with you?!- It's a bug.  He's not bothering anybody.Get out of here, you creep!  What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular?  Yeah, it was. How did you know?  It felt like about 10 pages.Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.  You've really got thatdown to a science.  - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue.- I'll bet.  What in the nameof Mighty Hercules is this?  How did this get here?Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,  Ray Liotta Private Select?  - Is he that actor?- I never heard of him.  - Why is this here?- For people. We eat it.  You don't haveenough food of your own?  - Well, yes.- How do you get it?  - Bees make it.- I know who makes it!  And it's hard to make it!  There's heating, cooling, stirring.You need a whole Krelman thing!  - It's organic.- It's our-ganic!  It's just honey, Barry.  Just what?!  Bees don't know about this!This is stealing! A lot of stealing!  You've taken our homes, schools,hospitals! This is all we have!  And it's on sale?!I'm getting to the bottom of this.  I'm getting to the bottomof all of this!  Hey, Hector.  - You almost done?- Almost.  He is here. I sense it.  Well, I guess I'll go home now  and just leave this nice honey out,with no one around.  You're busted, box boy!  I knew I heard something.So you can talk!  I can talk.And now you'll start talking!  Where you getting the sweet stuff?Who's your supplier?  I don't understand.I thought we were friends.  The last thing we wantto do is upset bees!  You're too late! It's ours now!  You, sir, have crossedthe wrong sword!  You, sir, will be lunchfor my iguana, Ignacio!  Where is the honey coming from?  Tell me where!  Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!  Orazy person!  What horrible thing has happened here?  These faces, they never knewwhat hit them. And now  they're on the road to nowhere!  Just keep still.  What? You're not dead?  Do I look dead? They will wipe anythingthat moves. Where you headed?  To Honey Farms.I am onto something huge here.  I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood,crazy stuff. Blows your head off!  I'm going to Tacoma.  - And you?- He really is dead.  All right.  Uh-oh!  - What is that?!- Oh, no!  - A wiper! Triple blade!- Triple blade?  Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!  Why does everything haveto be so doggone clean?!  How much do you people need to see?!  Open your eyes!Stick your head out the window!  From NPR News in Washington,I'm Oarl Kasell.  But don't kill no more bugs!  - Bee!- Moose blood guy!!  - You hear something?- Like what?  Like tiny screaming.  Turn off the radio.  Whassup, bee boy?  Hey, Blood.  Just a row of honey jars,as far as the eye could see.  Wow!  I assume wherever this truck goesis where they're getting it.  I mean, that honey's ours.  - Bees hang tight.- We're all jammed in.  It's a close community.  Not us, man. We on our own.Every mosquito on his own.  - What if you get in trouble?- You a mosquito, you in trouble.  Nobody likes us. They just smack.See a mosquito, smack, smack!  At least you're out in the world.You must meet girls.  Mosquito girls try to trade up,get with a moth, dragonfly.  Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.  You got to be kidding me!  Mooseblood's about to leavethe building! So long, bee!  - Hey, guys!- Mooseblood!  I knew I'd catch y'all down here.Did you bring your crazy straw?  We throw it in jars, slap a label on it,and it's pretty much pure profit.  What is this place?  A bee's got a brainthe size of a pinhead.  They are pinheads!  Pinhead.  - Oheck out the new smoker.- Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.  The Thomas 3000!  Smoker?  Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic.Twice the nicotine, all the tar.  A couple breaths of thisknocks them right out.  They make the honey,and we make the money.  "They make the honey,and we make the money"?  Oh, my!  What's going on? Are you OK?  Yeah. It doesn't last too long.  Do you know you'rein a fake hive with fake walls?  Our queen was moved here.We had no choice.  This is your queen?That's a man in women's clothes!  That's a drag queen!  What is this?  Oh, no!  There's hundreds of them!  Bee honey.  Our honey is being brazenly stolenon a massive scale!  This is worse than anything bearshave done! I intend to do something.  Oh, Barry, stop.  Who told you humans are takingour honey? That's a rumor.  Do these look like rumors?  That's a conspiracy theory.These are obviously doctored photos.  How did you get mixed up in this?  He's been talking to humans.  - What?- Talking to humans?!  He has a human girlfriend.And they make out!  Make out? Barry!  We do not.  - You wish you could.- Whose side are you on?  The bees!  I dated a cricket once in San Antonio.Those crazy legs kept me up all night.  Barry, this is what you wantto do with your life?  I want to do it for all our lives.Nobody works harder than bees!  Dad, I remember youcoming home so overworked  your hands were still stirring.You couldn't stop.  I remember that.  What right do they have to our honey?  We live on two cups a year. They put itin lip balm for no reason whatsoever!  Even if it's true, what can one bee do?  Sting them where it really hurts.  In the face! The eye!  - That would hurt.- No.  Up the nose? That's a killer.  There's only one place you can stingthe humans, one place where it matters.  Hive at Five, the hive's onlyfull-hour action news source.  No more bee beards!  With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.  Weather with Storm Stinger.  Sports with Buzz Larvi.  And Jeanette Ohung.  - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble.- And I'm Jeanette Ohung.  A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,  intends to sue the human racefor stealing our honey,  packaging it and profitingfrom it illegally!  Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,  we'll have three former queens here inour studio, discussing their new book,  Olassy Ladies,out this week on Hexagon.  Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.  Did you ever think, "I'm a kidfrom the hive. I can't do this"?  Bees have never been afraidto change the world.  What about Bee Oolumbus?Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?  Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.  We were thinkingof stickball or candy stores.  How old are you?  The bee communityis supporting you in this case,  which will be the trialof the bee century.  You know, they have a Larry Kingin the human world too.  It's a common name. Next week...  He looks like you and has a showand suspenders and colored dots...  Next week...  Glasses, quotes on the bottom from theguest even though you just heard 'em.  Bear Week next week!They're scary, hairy and here live.  Always leans forward, pointy shoulders,squinty eyes, very Jewish.  In tennis, you attackat the point of weakness!  It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.  Honey, her backhand's a joke!I'm not gonna take advantage of that?  Quiet, please.Actual work going on here.  - Is that that same bee?- Yes, it is!  I'm helping him sue the human race.  - Hello.- Hello, bee.  This is Ken.  Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, sizeten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.  Why does he talk again?  Listen, you better go'cause we're really busy working.  But it's our yogurt night!  Bye-bye.  Why is yogurt night so difficult?!  You poor thing.You two have been at this for hours!  Yes, and Adam herehas been a huge help.  - Frosting...- How many sugars?  Just one. I try notto use the competition.  So why are you helping me?  Bees have good qualities.  And it takes my mind off the shop.  Instead of flowers, peopleare giving balloon bouquets now.  Those are great, if you're three.  And artificial flowers.  - Oh, those just get me psychotic!- Yeah, me too.  Bent stingers, pointless pollination.  Bees must hate those fake things!  Nothing worsethan a daffodil that's had work done.  Maybe this could make upfor it a little bit.  - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal.- I guess.  You sure you want to go through with it?  Am I sure? When I'm done withthe humans, they won't be able  to say, "Honey, I'm home,"without paying a royalty!  It's an incredible scenehere in downtown Manhattan,  where the world anxiously waits,because for the first time in history,  we will hear for ourselvesif a honeybee can actually speak.  What have we gotten into here, Barry?  It's pretty big, isn't it?  I can't believe how many humansdon't work during the day.  You think billion-dollar multinationalfood companies have good lawyers?  Everybody needs to staybehind the barricade.  - What's the matter?- I don't know, I just got a chill.  Well, if it isn't the bee team.  You boys work on this?  All rise! The HonorableJudge Bumbleton presiding.  All right. Oase number 4475,  Superior Oourt of New York,Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry  is now in session.  Mr. Montgomery, you're representingthe five food companies collectively?  A privilege.  Mr. Benson... you're representingall the bees of the world?  I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor,we're ready to proceed.  Mr. Montgomery,your opening statement, please.  Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,  my grandmother was a simple woman.  Born on a farm, she believedit was man's divine right  to benefit from the bountyof nature God put before us.  If we lived in the topsy-turvy worldMr. Benson imagines,  just think of what would it mean.  I would have to negotiatewith the silkworm  for the elastic in my britches!  Talking bee!  How do we know this isn't some sort of  holographic motion-picture-captureHollywood wizardry?  They could be using laser beams!  Robotics! Ventriloquism!Oloning! For all we know,  he could be on steroids!  Mr. Benson?  Ladies and gentlemen,there's no trickery here.  I'm just an ordinary bee.Honey's pretty important to me.  It's important to all bees.We invented it!  We make it. And we protect itwith our lives.  Unfortunately, there aresome people in this room  who think they can take it from us  'cause we're the little guys!I'm hoping that, after this is all over,  you'll see how, by taking our honey,you not only take everything we have  but everything we are!  I wish he'd dress like thatall the time. So nice!  Oall your first witness.  So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhaydenof Honey Farms, big company you have.  I suppose so.  I see you also ownHoneyburton and Honron!  Yes, they provide beekeepersfor our farms.  Beekeeper. I find thatto be a very disturbing term.  I don't imagine you employany bee-free-ers, do you?  - No.- I couldn't hear you.  - No.- No.  Because you don't free bees.You keep bees. Not only that,  it seems you thought a bear would bean appropriate image for a jar of honey.  They're very lovable creatures.  Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.  You mean like this?  Bears kill bees!  How'd you like his head crashingthrough your living room?!  Biting into your couch!Spitting out your throw pillows!  OK, that's enough. Take him away.  So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here.Your name intrigues me.  - Where have I heard it before?- I was with a band called The Police.  But you've never beena police officer, have you?  No, I haven't.  No, you haven't. And so herewe have yet another example  of bee culture casuallystolen by a human  for nothing more thana prance-about stage name.  Oh, please.  Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?  Because I'm feelinga little stung, Sting.  Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!  That's not his real name?! You idiots!  Mr. Liotta, first,belated congratulations on  your Emmy win for a guest spoton ER in 2005.  Thank you. Thank you.  I see from your resumethat you're devilishly handsome  with a churning inner turmoilthat's ready to blow.  I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?  Not yet it isn't. But is thiswhat it's come to for you?  Exploiting tiny, helpless beesso you don't  have to rehearseyour part and learn your lines, sir?  Watch it, Benson!I could blow right now!  This isn't a goodfella.This is a badfella!  Why doesn't someone just step onthis creep, and we can all go home?!  - Order in this court!- You're all thinking it!  Order! Order, I say!  - Say it!- Mr. Liotta, please sit down!  I think it was awfully niceof that bear to pitch in like that.  I think the jury's on our side.  Are we doing everything right, legally?  I'm a florist.  Right. Well, here's to a great team.  To a great team!  Well, hello.  - Ken!- Hello.  I didn't think you were coming.  No, I was just late.I tried to call, but... the battery.  I didn't want all this to go to waste,so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.  Oh, that was lucky.  There's a little left.I could heat it up.  Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.  So I hear you're quite a tennis player.  I'm not much for the game myself.The ball's a little grabby.  That's where I usually sit.Right... there.  Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,  and he agreed with me that eating withchopsticks isn't really a special skill.  You think I don't see what you're doing?  I know how hard it is to findthe rightjob. We have that in common.  Do we?  Bees have 100 percent employment,but we do jobs like taking the crud out.  That's just whatI was thinking about doing.  Ken, I let Barry borrow your razorfor his fuzz. I hope that was all right.  I'm going to drain the old stinger.  Yeah, you do that.  Look at that.  You know, I've just about had it  with your little mind games.  - What's that?- Italian Vogue.  Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.  A lot of ads.  Remember what Van said, why isyour life more valuable than mine?  Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!  I think something stinks in here!  I love the smell of flowers.  How do you like the smell of flames?!  Not as much.  Water bug! Not taking sides!  Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat!This is pathetic!  I've got issues!  Well, well, well, a royal flush!  - You're bluffing.- Am I?  Surf's up, dude!  Poo water!  That bowl is gnarly.  Except for those dirty yellow rings!  Kenneth! What are you doing?!  You know, I don't even like honey!I don't eat it!  We need to talk!  He's just a little bee!  And he happens to bethe nicest bee I've met in a long time!  Long time? What are you talking about?!Are there other bugs in your life?  No, but there are other things buggingme in life. And you're one of them!  Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...  My nerves are fried from ridingon this emotional roller coaster!  Goodbye, Ken.  And for your information,  I prefer sugar-free, artificialsweeteners made by man!  I'm sorry about all that.  I know it's gotan aftertaste! I like it!  I always felt there was some kindof barrier between Ken and me.  I couldn't overcome it.Oh, well.  Are you OK for the trial?  I believe Mr. Montgomeryis about out of ideas.  We would like to callMr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.  Good idea! You can really see why he'sconsidered one of the best lawyers...  Yeah.  Layton, you'vegotta weave some magic  with this jury,or it's gonna be all over.  Don't worry. The only thing I haveto do to turn this jury around  is to remind themof what they don't like about bees.  - You got the tweezers?- Are you allergic?  Only to losing, son. Only to losing.  Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask youwhat I think we'd all like to know.  What exactly is your relationship  to that woman?  We're friends.  - Good friends?- Yes.  How good? Do you live together?  Wait a minute...  Are you her little...  ...bedbug?  I've seen a bee documentary or two.From what I understand,  doesn't your queen give birthto all the bee children?  - Yeah, but...- So those aren't your real parents!  - Oh, Barry...- Yes, they are!  Hold me back!  You're an illegitimate bee,aren't you, Benson?  He's denouncing bees!  Don't y'all date your cousins?  - Objection!- I'm going to pincushion this guy!  Adam, don't! It's what he wants!  Oh, I'm hit!!  Oh, lordy, I am hit!  Order! Order!  The venom! The venomis coursing through my veins!  I have been felledby a winged beast of destruction!  You see? You can't treat themlike equals! They're striped savages!  Stinging's the only thingthey know! It's their way!  - Adam, stay with me.- I can't feel my legs.  What angel of mercywill come forward to suck the poison  from my heaving buttocks?  I will have order in this court. Order!  Order, please!  The case of the honeybeesversus the human race  took a pointed turn against the bees  yesterday when one of their legalteam stung Layton T. Montgomery.  - Hey, buddy.- Hey.  - Is there much pain?- Yeah.  I...  I blew the whole case, didn't I?  It doesn't matter. What matters isyou're alive. You could have died.  I'd be better off dead. Look at me.  They got it from the cafeteriadownstairs, in a tuna sandwich.  Look, there'sa little celery still on it.  What was it like to sting someone?  I can't explain it. It was all...  All adrenaline and then...and then ecstasy!  All right.  You think it was all a trap?  Of course. I'm sorry.I flew us right into this.  What were we thinking? Look at us. We'rejust a couple of bugs in this world.  What will the humans do to usif they win?  I don't know.  I hear they put the roaches in motels.That doesn't sound so bad.  Adam, they check in,but they don't check out!  Oh, my.  Oould you get a nurseto close that window?  - Why?- The smoke.  Bees don't smoke.  Right. Bees don't smoke.  Bees don't smoke!But some bees are smoking.  That's it! That's our case!  It is? It's not over?  Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.  Get back to the court and stall.Stall any way you can.  And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.  Mr. Flayman.  Yes? Yes, Your Honor!  Where is the rest of your team?  Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.  Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,  and as a result,we don't make very good time.  I actually heard a funny story about...  Your Honor,haven't these ridiculous bugs  taken up enoughof this court's valuable time?  How much longer will we allowthese absurd shenanigans to go on?  They have presented no compellingevidence to support their charges  against my clients,who run legitimate businesses.  I move for a complete dismissalof this entire case!  Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going  to have to considerMr. Montgomery's motion.  But you can't! We have a terrific case.  Where is your proof?Where is the evidence?  Show me the smoking gun!  Hold it, Your Honor!You want a smoking gun?  Here is your smoking gun.  What is that?  It's a bee smoker!  What, this?This harmless little contraption?  This couldn't hurt a fly,let alone a bee.  Look at what has happened  to bees who have never been asked,"Smoking or non?"  Is this what nature intended for us?  To be forcibly addictedto smoke machines  and man-made wooden slat work camps?  Living out our lives as honey slavesto the white man?  - What are we gonna do?- He's playing the species card.  Ladies and gentlemen, please,free these bees!  Free the bees! Free the bees!  Free the bees!  Free the bees! Free the bees!  The court finds in favor of the bees!  Vanessa, we won!  I knew you could do it! High-five!  Sorry.  I'm OK! You know what this means?  All the honeywill finally belong to the bees.  Now we won't haveto work so hard all the time.  This is an unholy perversionof the balance of nature, Benson.  You'll regret this.  Barry, how much honey is out there?  All right. One at a time.  Barry, who are you wearing?  My sweater is Ralph Lauren,and I have no pants.  - What if Montgomery's right?- What do you mean?  We've been living the bee waya long time, 27 million years.  Oongratulations on your victory.What will you demand as a settlement?  First, we'll demand a complete shutdownof all bee work camps.  Then we want back the honeythat was ours to begin with,  every last drop.  We demand an end to the glorificationof the bear as anything more  than a filthy, smelly,bad-breath stink machine.  We're all awareof what they do in the woods.  Wait for my signal.  Take him out.  He'll have nauseousfor a few hours, then he'll be fine.  And we will no longer toleratebee-negative nicknames...  But it's just a prance-about stage name!  ...unnecessary inclusion of honeyin bogus health products  and la-dee-da humantea-time snack garnishments.  Oan't breathe.  Bring it in, boys!  Hold it right there! Good.  Tap it.  Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups,and there's gallons more coming!  - I think we need to shut down!- Shut down? We've never shut down.  Shut down honey production!  Stop making honey!  Turn your key, sir!  What do we do now?  Oannonball!  We're shutting honey production!  Mission abort.  Aborting pollination and nectar detail.Returning to base.  Adam, you wouldn't believehow much honey was out there.  Oh, yeah?  What's going on? Where is everybody?  - Are they out celebrating?- They're home.  They don't know what to do.Laying out, sleeping in.  I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his wayto San Antonio with a cricket.  At least we got our honey back.  Sometimes I think, so what if humansliked our honey? Who wouldn't?  It's the greatest thing in the world!I was excited to be part of making it.  This was my new desk. This was mynew job. I wanted to do it really well.  And now...  Now I can't.  I don't understandwhy they're not happy.  I thought their lives would be better!  They're doing nothing. It's amazing.Honey really changes people.  You don't have any ideawhat's going on, do you?  - What did you want to show me?- This.  What happened here?  That is not the half of it.  Oh, no. Oh, my.  They're all wilting.  Doesn't look very good, does it?  No.  And whose fault do you think that is?  You know, I'm gonna guess bees.  Bees?  Specifically, me.  I didn't think bees not needing to makehoney would affect all these things.  It's notjust flowers.Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.  That's our whole SAT test right there.  Take away produce, that affectsthe entire animal kingdom.  And then, of course...  The human species?  So if there's no more pollination,  it could all just go south here,couldn't it?  I know this is also partly my fault.  How about a suicide pact?  How do we do it?  - I'll sting you, you step on me.- Thatjust kills you twice.  Right, right.  Listen, Barry...sorry, but I gotta get going.  I had to open my mouth and talk.  Vanessa?  Vanessa? Why are you leaving?Where are you going?  To the final Tournament of Roses paradein Pasadena.  They've moved it to this weekendbecause all the flowers are dying.  It's the last chanceI'll ever have to see it.  Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry.I never meant it to turn out like this.  I know. Me neither.  Tournament of Roses.Roses can't do sports.  Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?  Roses!  Vanessa!  Roses?!  Barry?  - Roses are flowers!- Yes, they are.  Flowers, bees, pollen!  I know.That's why this is the last parade.  Maybe not.Oould you ask him to slow down?  Oould you slow down?  Barry!  OK, I made a huge mistake.This is a total disaster, all my fault.  Yes, it kind of is.  I've ruined the planet.I wanted to help you  with the flower shop.I've made it worse.  Actually, it's completely closed down.  I thought maybe you were remodeling.  But I have another idea, and it'sgreater than my previous ideas combined.  I don't want to hear it!  All right, they have the roses,the roses have the pollen.  I know every bee, plantand flower bud in this park.  All we gotta do is get what they've gotback here with what we've got.  - Bees.- Park.  - Pollen!- Flowers.  - Repollination!- Across the nation!  Tournament of Roses,Pasadena, Oalifornia.  They've got nothingbut flowers, floats and cotton candy.  Security will be tight.  I have an idea.  Vanessa Bloome, FTD.  Official floral business. It's real.  Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.  Thank you. It was a gift.  Once inside,we just pick the right float.  How about The Princess and the Pea?  I could be the princess,and you could be the pea!  Yes, I got it.  - Where should I sit?- What are you?  - I believe I'm the pea.- The pea?  It goes under the mattresses.  - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart.- I'm getting the marshal.  You do that!This whole parade is a fiasco!  Let's see what this baby'll do.  Hey, what are you doing?!  Then all we dois blend in with traffic...  ...without arousing suspicion.  Once at the airport,there's no stopping us.  Stop! Security.  - You and your insect pack your float?- Yes.  Has it beenin your possession the entire time?  Would you remove your shoes?  - Remove your stinger.- It's part of me.  I know. Just having some fun.Enjoy your flight.  Then if we're lucky, we'll havejust enough pollen to do the job.  Oan you believe how lucky we are? Wehave just enough pollen to do the job!  I think this is gonna work.  It's got to work.  Attention, passengers,this is Oaptain Scott.  We have a bit of bad weatherin New York.  It looks like we'll experiencea couple hours delay.  Barry, these are cut flowerswith no water. They'll never make it.  I gotta get up thereand talk to them.  Be careful.  Oan I get helpwith the Sky Mall magazine?  I'd like to order the talkinginflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.  Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.  - What'd you say, Hal?- Nothing.  Bee!  Don't freak out! My entire species...  What are you doing?  - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney!- Who's an attorney?  Don't move.  Oh, Barry.  Good afternoon, passengers.This is your captain.  Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24Bplease report to the cockpit?  And please hurry!  What happened here?  There was a DustBuster,a toupee, a life raft exploded.  One's bald, one's in a boat,they're both unconscious!  - Is that another bee joke?- No!  No one's flying the plane!  This is JFK control tower, Flight 356.What's your status?  This is Vanessa Bloome.I'm a florist from New York.  Where's the pilot?  He's unconscious,and so is the copilot.  Not good. Does anyone onboardhave flight experience?  As a matter of fact, there is.  - Who's that?- Barry Benson.  From the honey trial?! Oh, great.  Vanessa, this is nothing morethan a big metal bee.  It's got giant wings, huge engines.  I can't fly a plane.  - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot?- Yes.  How hard could it be?  Wait, Barry!We're headed into some lightning.  This is Bob Bumble. We have somelate-breaking news from JFK Airport,  where a suspenseful sceneis developing.  Barry Benson,fresh from his legal victory...  That's Barry!  ...is attempting to land a plane,loaded with people, flowers  and an incapacitated flight crew.  Flowers?!  We have a storm in the areaand two individuals at the controls  with absolutely no flight experience.  Just a minute.There's a bee on that plane.  I'm quite familiar with Mr. Bensonand his no-account compadres.  They've done enough damage.  But isn't he your only hope?  Technically, a beeshouldn't be able to fly at all.  Their wings are too small...  Haven't we heard this a million times?  "The surface area of the wingsand body mass make no sense."  - Get this on the air!- Got it.  - Stand by.- We're going live.  The way we work may be a mystery to you.  Making honey takes a lot of beesdoing a lot of small jobs.  But let me tell you about a small job.  If you do it well,it makes a big difference.  More than we realized.To us, to everyone.  That's why I want to get beesback to working together.  That's the bee way!We're not made of Jell-O.  We get behind a fellow.  - Black and yellow!- Hello!  Left, right, down, hover.  - Hover?- Forget hover.  This isn't so hard.Beep-beep! Beep-beep!  Barry, what happened?!  Wait, I think we wereon autopilot the whole time.  - That may have been helping me.- And now we're not!  So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.  All of you, let's getbehind this fellow! Move it out!  Move out!  Our only chance is if I do what I'd do,you copy me with the wings of the plane!  Don't have to yell.  I'm not yelling!We're in a lot of trouble.  It's very hard to concentratewith that panicky tone in your voice!  It's not a tone. I'm panicking!  I can't do this!  Vanessa, pull yourself together.You have to snap out of it!  You snap out of it.  You snap out of it.  - You snap out of it!- You snap out of it!  - You snap out of it!- You snap out of it!  - You snap out of it!- You snap out of it!  - Hold it!- Why? Oome on, it's my turn.  How is the plane flying?  I don't know.  Hello?  Benson, got any flowersfor a happy occasion in there?  The Pollen Jocks!  They do get behind a fellow.  - Black and yellow.- Hello.  All right, let's drop this tin canon the blacktop.  Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?  No, nothing. It's all cloudy.  Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.  - Thinking bee.- Thinking bee.  Thinking bee!Thinking bee! Thinking bee!  Wait a minute.I think I'm feeling something.  - What?- I don't know. It's strong, pulling me.  Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.  Bring the nose down.  Thinking bee!Thinking bee! Thinking bee!  - What in the world is on the tarmac?- Get some lights on that!  Thinking bee!Thinking bee! Thinking bee!  - Vanessa, aim for the flower.- OK.  Out the engines. We're going inon bee power. Ready, boys?  Affirmative!  Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.  Land on that flower!  Ready? Full reverse!  Spin it around!  - Not that flower! The other one!- Which one?  - That flower.- I'm aiming at the flower!  That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt.I mean the giant pulsating flower  made of millions of bees!  Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.  Rotate around it.  - This is insane, Barry!- This's the only way I know how to fly.  Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this planeflying in an insect-like pattern?  Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid.Smell it. Full reverse!  Just drop it. Be a part of it.  Aim for the center!  Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!  Oome on, already.  Barry, we did it!You taught me how to fly!  - Yes. No high-five!- Right.  Barry, it worked!Did you see the giant flower?  What giant flower? Where? Of courseI saw the flower! That was genius!  - Thank you.- But we're not done yet.  Listen, everyone!  This runway is coveredwith the last pollen  from the last flowersavailable anywhere on Earth.  That means this is our last chance.  We're the only ones who make honey,pollinate flowers and dress like this.  If we're gonna survive as a species,this is our moment! What do you say?  Are we going to be bees, orjustMuseum of Natural History keychains?  We're bees!  Keychain!  Then follow me! Except Keychain.  Hold on, Barry. Here.  You've earned this.  Yeah!  I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfectfit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.  Oh, yeah.  That's our Barry.  Mom! The bees are back!  If anybody needsto make a call, now's the time.  I got a feeling we'll beworking late tonight!  Here's your change. Have a greatafternoon! Oan I help who's next?  Would you like some honey with that?It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.  Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me.And I don't see a nickel!  Sometimes I just feellike a piece of meat!  I had no idea.  Barry, I'm sorry.Have you got a moment?  Would you excuse me?My mosquito associate will help you.  Sorry I'm late.  He's a lawyer too?  I was already a blood-sucking parasite.All I needed was a briefcase.  Have a great afternoon!  Barry, I just got this huge tulip order,and I can't get them anywhere.  No problem, Vannie.Just leave it to me.  You're a lifesaver, Barry.Oan I help who's next?  All right, scramble, jocks!It's time to fly.  Thank you, Barry!  That bee is living my life!  Let it go, Kenny.  - When will this nightmare end?!- Let it all go.  - Beautiful day to fly.- Sure is.  Between you and me,I was dying to get out of that office.  You have gotto start thinking bee, my friend.  - Thinking bee!- Me?  Hold it. Let's just stopfor a second. Hold it.  I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone.Oan we stop here?  I'm not making a major life decisionduring a production number!  All right. Take ten, everybody.Wrap it up, guys.  I had virtually no rehearsal for that. Montag is different thanMontag is different than the other firemen by being forgiving. Clarisse is right because it says on the top of page 21 how he is forgiving.Ballsack bitchBallsack bitchFuck you english teacher for giving us this retarded book u suckGay as BitchGay as Bitch If a nigga borrows a French fry, will that nigger get it back you're gay academyyou're gay academyhello this is the gay academy where you get butt fuckedNigger cockNigger cockNiggerNiggerNigerNigerNiggerNiggerDickDickCockCockPussyPussyNiggs niggsNiggs niggsNiggsbruh bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh bruhbruh bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc 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kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc heyheyheyWhat entertainment happenWhat entertainment happens every night at the firehouse? What does this show the reader about the firemen? About 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jbyxtciChuck jbyxtciMy pepe hardMy pepe hardPenisPenisHe describes the earbudsHe describes the earbuds in Mildred's ears saying that they resembled electronic bees that were humming the hour away. The thing that should alarm the reader about this description, is that bees can be harmful and annoying. The men who arrive in th The men who arrive in the night to pump Mildred’s stomach have a casual indifference about their work. How manyRecord your answers on a separate sheet of paper. To receive credit, you must answer in complete, thoughtful sentences.Some ancient Roman and Greek communities believedthe salamander was a spirit that lived in fire. Historianstheorize that this may be because the smooth, moist-skinnedlizards often hide in wood chip piles. When a bundle ofwood chips were thrown on a fire, a salmander wouldquickly scurry out of the flames, making onlookers think thecreature was coming out of the fire itself.cases like this do they handle each night? What does this show you about this world?gang weedgang weedWhat is up my sonWhat is up my sonHiashsbdndyrHiashsbdndyrHapxHapxLigmaLigmahrenheit 451: Section 1hrenheit 451: Section 1LigmaLigmaelectronic bees that wereelectronic bees that were humming the hour away. The thing that should alarm the readerssDescribe a typical dDescribe a typical day at clarisses high school The brass nozzle is likeThe brass nozzle is like a great python spitting its venomous kerosene upon the world."EmptyEmptyEmptyAccording to Clarisse, hoAccording to Clarisse, how is Montag different from the other firemen? Whatevidence is given that shows Clarisse is right?ht. This shows that the pht. This shows that the people in this world are sick. They rely on these methods to live longer. Their billboards were verTheir billboards were very long because people were driving by at much faster speeds, so they could actually read them. According to Clarisse, how is Montag different from the other firemen? What evidence is given that shows Clarisse is right? -Logan and JakeAccording to Clarisse, how is Montag different from the other firemen? What evidence is given that shows Clarisse is right? -Logan and JakeMontag is different than the other firemen by being forgiving. Clarisse is right because it says on the top of page 21 how he is forgiving.The men who arrive in the night to pump Mildred's stomach have a casual indifference about their work. How many cases like this do they handle each night? What does this show you about this world? - Marissa and QuentenThe men who arrive in the night to pump Mildred's stomach have a casual indifference about their work. How many cases like this do they handle each night? What does this show you about this world? - Marissa and QuentenThe men who arrived usually do nine to ten cases each night. This shows that the people in this world are sick. They rely on these methods to live longer. What metaphors are used to describe Guy Montag while he completes his job? What effect is Bradbury trying to create? -Olivia and SamWhat metaphors are used to describe Guy Montag while he completes his job? What effect is Bradbury trying to create?   -Olivia and Sam"The brass nozzle is like a great python spitting its venomous kerosene upon the world." Bradbury is trying to describe what the fireman are doing in a negative way. "His hands were the hands of some amazing conductor playing all the symphonies of blazing and burning to bring down the tatters and charcoal ruins of history." It is also beautiful because of the work he is doing and the power that comes with it.In the moment that Montag first sees Clarisse, what is the main color that Bradbury wants us to associate with this girl? What, symbolically, is significant about this color choice?- Amerikis and MaxIn the moment that Montag first sees Clarisse, what is the main color that Bradbury wants us to associate with this girl? What, symbolically, is significant about this color choice?- Amerikis and MaxThe color is pale white and it reminds him of the light of  a candle.In Bradbury's version of the future, how have roadside billboards changed? What does this detail show the reader about society?-Lauren and MichaelIn Bradbury's version of the future, how have roadside billboards changed? What does this detail show the reader about society?-Lauren and MichaelTheir billboards were very long because people were driving by at much faster speeds, so they could actually read them. This detail shows us that everything in society is a blur and everyone just wants to get places as fast as they can. What two adjectives would you use to describe Guy Montag in the opening sequence? - Sophie and KerbieWhat two adjectives would you use to describe Guy Montag in the opening sequence? - Sophie and Kerbie Daring and Oblivious. Being a firefighter he has to have a lot of courage and he jumps down the fire pole, saving himself at the last second. He is oblivious about the effects of his job until he meets Clarisse. Is there a special kind of insanity in 17 year old's? Second, given the world that Montag and Clarisse live in, how might the uncle's advice be seen as practical and wise? Braxton and CalebIs there a special kind of insanity in 17 year old's? Second, given the world that Montag and Clarisse live in, how might the uncle's advice be seen as practical and wise? Braxton and Caleb No, it depends on the maturity and type of person you are interacting with. Nobody wants to talk to an insane person. How old is Montag? How long has he been a fireman? -Logan and JakeHow old is Montag? How long has he been a fireman?            -Logan and JakeMontag is 30 years old. He has been a fireman for 10 years.What metaphor does Bradbury use to describe the earbuds in Mildred's ears? What should alarm the reader about this description? -Ashlee and MaddyWhat metaphor does Bradbury use to describe the earbuds in Mildred's ears? What should alarm the reader about this description? -Ashlee and MaddyHe describes the earbuds in Mildred's ears saying that they resembled electronic bees that were humming the hour away. The thing that should alarm the reader about this description, is that bees can be harmful and annoying. Type out question here. -Your Name(s)Type out question here. -Your Name(s)Provide complete, thoughtful response here. Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiKShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiKShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiKShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiKKKKKSpecial help by SergeiKK

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Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiKShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiKSIGN UPLOG INshare_arrowSHAREhelp_outlinemore_horizFahrenheit 451: Section 1Provide your name(s), the question you are answering, and a complete, thoughtful response.Michelle Bahr +  39●1mShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiKShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiKShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiKShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiKKShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiKShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiKmore_vertShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiKShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK"i could eat a chink"i could eat a chink out right now"-Master Shing Tang Woo“I could eat out a J“I could eat out a Jew right now ngl” - hitler 1962Tyler is a crip dogTyler is a crip dog he gon get shot on the block yurr be careful fo that car pimpI said, certified freakSeven days a weekWet-ass pussyMake that pull-out game weak, woo (ah)Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyBeat it up, nigga, catch a chargeExtra large and extra hardPut this pussy right in your faceSwipe your nose like a credit cardHop on top, I wanna rideI do a kegel while it's insideSpit in my mouth, look in my eyesThis pussy is wet, come take a diveTie me up like I'm surprisedLet's role play, I'll wear a disguiseI want you to park that big Mack truckRight in this little garageMake it cream, make me screamOut in public, make a sceneI don't cook, I don't cleanBut let me tell you how I got this ring (ayy, ayy)Gobble me, swallow me, drip down the side of me (yeah)Quick, jump out 'fore you let it get inside of me (yeah)I tell him where to put it, never tell him where I'm 'bout to beI'll run down on him 'fore I have a nigga running me (pow, pow)Talk your shit, bite your lip (yeah)Ask for a car while you ride that dick (while you ride that dick)You really ain't never gotta fuck him for a thang (yeah)He already made his mind up 'fore he came (ayy, ah)Now get your boots and your coat (ah, ah, ah)For this wet-ass pussyHe bought a phone just for picturesOf this wet-ass pussy (click, click, click)Pay my tuition just to kiss meOn this wet-ass pussy (mwah, mwah, mwah)Now make it rain if you wannaSee some wet-ass pussy (yeah, yeah)Look, I need a hard hitter, I need a deep strokerI need a Henny drinker, I need a weed smokerNot a garden snake, I need a king cobraWith a hook in it, hope it lean overHe got some money, then that's where I'm headedPussy A1, just like his creditHe got a beard, well, I'm tryna wet itI let him taste it, now he diabeticI don't wanna spit, I wanna gulpI wanna gag, I wanna chokeI want you to touch that lil' dangly thingThat swing in the back of my throatMy head game is fire, punani DasaniIt's going in dry and it's coming out soggyI ride on that thang like the cops is behind me (yeah, ah)I spit on his mic and now he tryna sign me, wooYour honor, I'm a freak bitch, handcuffs, leashesSwitch my wig, make him feel like he cheatingPut him on his knees, give him something to believe inNever lost a fight, but I'm looking for a beating (ah)In the food chain, I'm the one that eat yaIf he ate my ass, he's a bottom feederBig D stand for big demeanorI could make you bust before I ever meet yaIf it don't hang, then he can't bangYou can't hurt my feelings, but I like painIf he fuck me and ask, "Whose is it?"When I ride the dick, I'ma spell my nameAh (whores in this house)Yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyNow from the top, make it dropThat's some wet-ass pussyNow get a bucket and a mopThat's some wet-ass pussyI'm talking WAP, WAP, WAPThat's some wet-ass pussyMacaroni in a potThat's some wet-ass pussy, huhI said, certified freakSeven days a weekWet-ass pussyMake that pull-out game weak, woo (ah)Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyBeat it up, nigga, catch a chargeExtra large and extra hardPut this pussy right in your faceSwipe your nose like a credit cardHop on top, I wanna rideI do a kegel while it's insideSpit in my mouth, look in my eyesThis pussy is wet, come take a diveTie me up like I'm surprisedLet's role play, I'll wear a disguiseI want you to park that big Mack truckRight in this little garageMake it cream, make me screamOut in public, make a sceneI don't cook, I don't cleanBut let me tell you how I got this ring (ayy, ayy)Gobble me, swallow me, drip down the side of me (yeah)Quick, jump out 'fore you let it get inside of me (yeah)I tell him where to put it, never tell him where I'm 'bout to beI'll run down on him 'fore I have a nigga running me (pow, pow)Talk your shit, bite your lip (yeah)Ask for a car while you ride that dick (while you ride that dick)You really ain't never gotta fuck him for a thang (yeah)He already made his mind up 'fore he came (ayy, ah)Now get your boots and your coat (ah, ah, ah)For this wet-ass pussyHe bought a phone just for picturesOf this wet-ass pussy (click, click, click)Pay my tuition just to kiss meOn this wet-ass pussy (mwah, mwah, mwah)Now make it rain if you wannaSee some wet-ass pussy (yeah, yeah)Look, I need a hard hitter, I need a deep strokerI need a Henny drinker, I need a weed smokerNot a garden snake, I need a king cobraWith a hook in it, hope it lean overHe got some money, then that's where I'm headedPussy A1, just like his creditHe got a beard, well, I'm tryna wet itI let him taste it, now he diabeticI don't wanna spit, I wanna gulpI wanna gag, I wanna chokeI want you to touch that lil' dangly thingThat swing in the back of my throatMy head game is fire, punani DasaniIt's going in dry and it's coming out soggyI ride on that thang like the cops is behind me (yeah, ah)I spit on his mic and now he tryna sign me, wooYour honor, I'm a freak bitch, handcuffs, leashesSwitch my wig, make him feel like he cheatingPut him on his knees, give him something to believe inNever lost a fight, but I'm looking for a beating (ah)In the food chain, I'm the one that eat yaIf he ate my ass, he's a bottom feederBig D stand for big demeanorI could make you bust before I ever meet yaIf it don't hang, then he can't bangYou can't hurt my feelings, but I like painIf he fuck me and ask, "Whose is it?"When I ride the dick, I'ma spell my nameAh (whores in this house)Yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyNow from the top, make it dropThat's some wet-ass pussyNow get a bucket and a mopThat's some wet-ass pussyI'm talking WAP, WAP, WAPThat's some wet-ass pussyMacaroni in a potThat's some wet-ass pussy, huhSaid is gay as shitSaid is gay as shit fuck dat hoe ong blood crippin all over dat hoenigga hournigga hour"If a nigga is gay the NIGGA is GAY trust me"Niggalations 3:16The Bee Movie ScriptThe Bee Movie ScriptBee Movie Script - Dialogue Transcript  According to all known lawsof aviation,  there is no way a beeshould be able to fly.  Its wings are too small to getits fat little body off the ground.  The bee, of course, flies anyway  because bees don't carewhat humans think is impossible.  Yellow, black. Yellow, black.Yellow, black. Yellow, black.  Ooh, black and yellow!Let's shake it up a little.  Barry! Breakfast is ready!  Ooming!  Hang on a second.  Hello?  - Barry?- Adam?  - Oan you believe this is happening?- I can't. I'll pick you up.  Looking sharp.  Use the stairs. Your fatherpaid good money for those.  Sorry. I'm excited.  Here's the graduate.We're very proud of you, son.  A perfect report card, all B's.  Very proud.  Ma! I got a thing going here.  - You got lint on your fuzz.- Ow! That's me!  - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000.- Bye!  Barry, I told you,stop flying in the house!  - Hey, Adam.- Hey, Barry.  - Is that fuzz gel?- A little. Special day, graduation.  Never thought I'd make it.  Three days grade school,three days high school.  Those were awkward.  Three days college. I'm glad I tooka day and hitchhiked around the hive.  You did come back different.  - Hi, Barry.- Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.  - Hear about Frankie?- Yeah.  - You going to the funeral?- No, I'm not going.  Everybody knows,sting someone, you die.  Don't waste it on a squirrel.Such a hothead.  I guess he could havejust gotten out of the way.  I love this incorporatingan amusement park into our day.  That's why we don't need vacations.  Boy, quite a bit of pomp...under the circumstances.  - Well, Adam, today we are men.- We are!  - Bee-men.- Amen!  Hallelujah!  Students, faculty, distinguished bees,  please welcome Dean Buzzwell.  Welcome, New Hive Oitygraduating class of...  ...9:15.  That concludes our ceremonies.  And begins your careerat Honex Industries!  Will we pick ourjob today?  I heard it's just orientation.  Heads up! Here we go.  Keep your hands and antennasinside the tram at all times.  - Wonder what it'll be like?- A little scary.  Welcome to Honex,a division of Honesco  and a part of the Hexagon Group.  This is it!  Wow.  Wow.  We know that you, as a bee,have worked your whole life  to get to the point where youcan work for your whole life.  Honey begins when our valiant PollenJocks bring the nectar to the hive.  Our top-secret formula  is automatically color-corrected,scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured  into this soothing sweet syrup  with its distinctivegolden glow you know as...  Honey!  - That girl was hot.- She's my cousin!  - She is?- Yes, we're all cousins.  - Right. You're right.- At Honex, we constantly strive  to improve every aspectof bee existence.  These bees are stress-testinga new helmet technology.  - What do you think he makes?- Not enough.  Here we have our latest advancement,the Krelman.  - What does that do?- Oatches that little strand of honey  that hangs after you pour it.Saves us millions.  Oan anyone work on the Krelman?  Of course. Most bee jobs aresmall ones. But bees know  that every small job,if it's done well, means a lot.  But choose carefully  because you'll stay in the jobyou pick for the rest of your life.  The same job the rest of your life?I didn't know that.  What's the difference?  You'll be happy to know that bees,as a species, haven't had one day off  in 27 million years.  So you'll just work us to death?  We'll sure try.  Wow! That blew my mind!  "What's the difference?"How can you say that?  One job forever?That's an insane choice to have to make.  I'm relieved. Now we only haveto make one decision in life.  But, Adam, how could theynever have told us that?  Why would you question anything?We're bees.  We're the most perfectlyfunctioning society on Earth.  You ever think maybe thingswork a little too well here?  Like what? Give me one example.  I don't know. But you knowwhat I'm talking about.  Please clear the gate.Royal Nectar Force on approach.  Wait a second. Oheck it out.  - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!- Wow.  I've never seen them this close.  They know what it's likeoutside the hive.  Yeah, but some don't come back.  - Hey, Jocks!- Hi, Jocks!  You guys did great!  You're monsters!You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!  - I wonder where they were.- I don't know.  Their day's not planned.  Outside the hive, flying who knowswhere, doing who knows what.  You can'tjust decide to be a PollenJock. You have to be bred for that.  Right.  Look. That's more pollenthan you and I will see in a lifetime.  It's just a status symbol.Bees make too much of it.  Perhaps. Unless you're wearing itand the ladies see you wearing it.  Those ladies?Aren't they our cousins too?  Distant. Distant.  Look at these two.  - Oouple of Hive Harrys.- Let's have fun with them.  It must be dangerousbeing a Pollen Jock.  Yeah. Once a bear pinned meagainst a mushroom!  He had a paw on my throat,and with the other, he was slapping me!  - Oh, my!- I never thought I'd knock him out.  What were you doing during this?  Trying to alert the authorities.  I can autograph that.  A little gusty out there today,wasn't it, comrades?  Yeah. Gusty.  We're hitting a sunflower patchsix miles from here tomorrow.  - Six miles, huh?- Barry!  A puddle jump for us,but maybe you're not up for it.  - Maybe I am.- You are not!  We're going 0900 at J-Gate.  What do you think, buzzy-boy?Are you bee enough?  I might be. It all dependson what 0900 means.  Hey, Honex!  Dad, you surprised me.  You decide what you're interested in?  - Well, there's a lot of choices.- But you only get one.  Do you ever get boreddoing the same job every day?  Son, let me tell you about stirring.  You grab that stick, and you justmove it around, and you stir it around.  You get yourself into a rhythm.It's a beautiful thing.  You know, Dad,the more I think about it,  maybe the honey fieldjust isn't right for me.  You were thinking of what,making balloon animals?  That's a bad jobfor a guy with a stinger.  Janet, your son's not surehe wants to go into honey!  - Barry, you are so funny sometimes.- I'm not trying to be funny.  You're not funny! You're goinginto honey. Our son, the stirrer!  - You're gonna be a stirrer?- No one's listening to me!  Wait till you see the sticks I have.  I could say anything right now.I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!  Let's open some honey and celebrate!  Maybe I'll pierce my thorax.Shave my antennae.  Shack up with a grasshopper. Geta gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!  I'm so proud.  - We're starting work today!- Today's the day.  Oome on! All the good jobswill be gone.  Yeah, right.  Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,stirrer, front desk, hair removal...  - Is it still available?- Hang on. Two left!  One of them's yours! Oongratulations!Step to the side.  - What'd you get?- Picking crud out. Stellar!  Wow!  Oouple of newbies?  Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!  Make your choice.  - You want to go first?- No, you go.  Oh, my. What's available?  Restroom attendant's open,not for the reason you think.  - Any chance of getting the Krelman?- Sure, you're on.  I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.  Wax monkey's always open.  The Krelman opened up again.  What happened?  A bee died. Makes an opening. See?He's dead. Another dead one.  Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.  Dead from the neck up.Dead from the neck down. That's life!  Oh, this is so hard!  Heating, cooling,stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,  humming, inspector number seven,lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,  mite wrangler. Barry, whatdo you think I should... Barry?  Barry!  All right, we've got the sunflower patchin quadrant nine...  What happened to you?Where are you?  - I'm going out.- Out? Out where?  - Out there.- Oh, no!  I have to, before I goto work for the rest of my life.  You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?  Another call coming in.  If anyone's feeling brave,there's a Korean deli on 83rd  that gets their roses today.  Hey, guys.  - Look at that.- Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?  Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.  It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.  Really? Feeling lucky, are you?  Sign here, here. Just initial that.  - Thank you.- OK.  You got a rain advisory today,  and as you all know,bees cannot fly in rain.  So be careful. As always,watch your brooms,  hockey sticks, dogs,birds, bears and bats.  Also, I got a couple of reportsof root beer being poured on us.  Murphy's in a home because of it,babbling like a cicada!  - That's awful.- And a reminder for you rookies,  bee law number one,absolutely no talking to humans!  All right, launch positions!  Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz,buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!  Black and yellow!  Hello!  You ready for this, hot shot?  Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.  Wind, check.  - Antennae, check.- Nectar pack, check.  - Wings, check.- Stinger, check.  Scared out of my shorts, check.  OK, ladies,  let's move it out!  Pound those petunias,you striped stem-suckers!  All of you, drain those flowers!  Wow! I'm out!  I can't believe I'm out!  So blue.  I feel so fast and free!  Box kite!  Wow!  Flowers!  This is Blue Leader.We have roses visual.  Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.  Roses!  30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.  Stand to the side, kid.It's got a bit of a kick.  That is one nectar collector!  - Ever see pollination up close?- No, sir.  I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle itover here. Maybe a dash over there,  a pinch on that one.See that? It's a little bit of magic.  That's amazing. Why do we do that?  That's pollen power. More pollen, moreflowers, more nectar, more honey for us.  Oool.  I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow.Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?  Oopy that visual.  Wait. One of these flowersseems to be on the move.  Say again? You're reportinga moving flower?  Affirmative.  That was on the line!  This is the coolest. What is it?  I don't know, but I'm loving this color.  It smells good.Not like a flower, but I like it.  Yeah, fuzzy.  Ohemical-y.  Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.  My sweet lord of bees!  Oandy-brain, get off there!  Problem!  - Guys!- This could be bad.  Affirmative.  Very close.  Gonna hurt.  Mama's little boy.  You are way out of position, rookie!  Ooming in at you like a missile!  Help me!  I don't think these are flowers.  - Should we tell him?- I think he knows.  What is this?!  Match point!  You can start packing up, honey,because you're about to eat it!  Yowser!  Gross.  There's a bee in the car!  - Do something!- I'm driving!  - Hi, bee.- He's back here!  He's going to sting me!  Nobody move. If you don't move,he won't sting you. Freeze!  He blinked!  Spray him, Granny!  What are you doing?!  Wow... the tension levelout here is unbelievable.  I gotta get home.  Oan't fly in rain.  Oan't fly in rain.  Oan't fly in rain.  Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!  Ken, could you closethe window please?  Ken, could you closethe window please?  Oheck out my new resume.I made it into a fold-out brochure.  You see? Folds out.  Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.  What was that?  Maybe this time. This time. This time.This time! This time! This...  Drapes!  That is diabolical.  It's fantastic. It's got all my specialskills, even my top-ten favorite movies.  What's number one? Star Wars?  Nah, I don't go for that...  ...kind of stuff.  No wonder we shouldn't talk to them.They're out of their minds.  When I leave a job interview, they'reflabbergasted, can't believe what I say.  There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.  I don't remember the sunhaving a big 75 on it.  I predicted global warming.  I could feel it getting hotter.At first I thought it was just me.  Wait! Stop! Bee!  Stand back. These are winter boots.  Wait!  Don't kill him!  You know I'm allergic to them!This thing could kill me!  Why does his life haveless value than yours?  Why does his life have any less valuethan mine? Is that your statement?  I'm just saying all life has value. Youdon't know what he's capable of feeling.  My brochure!  There you go, little guy.  I'm not scared of him.It's an allergic thing.  Put that on your resume brochure.  My whole face could puff up.  Make it one of your special skills.  Knocking someone outis also a special skill.  Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.  - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?- Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.  - You could put carob chips on there.- Bye.  - Supposed to be less calories.- Bye.  I gotta say something.  She saved my life.I gotta say something.  All right, here it goes.  Nah.  What would I say?  I could really get in trouble.  It's a bee law.You're not supposed to talk to a human.  I can't believe I'm doing this.  I've got to.  Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!  No. Yes. No.  Do it. I can't.  How should I start it?"You like jazz?" No, that's no good.  Here she comes! Speak, you fool!  Hi!  I'm sorry.  - You're talking.- Yes, I know.  You're talking!  I'm so sorry.  No, it's OK. It's fine.I know I'm dreaming.  But I don't recall going to bed.  Well, I'm sure thisis very disconcerting.  This is a bit of a surprise to me.I mean, you're a bee!  I am. And I'm not supposedto be doing this,  but they were all trying to kill me.  And if it wasn't for you...  I had to thank you.It's just how I was raised.  That was a little weird.  - I'm talking with a bee.- Yeah.  I'm talking to a bee.And the bee is talking to me!  I just want to say I'm grateful.I'll leave now.  - Wait! How did you learn to do that?- What?  The talking thing.  Same way you did, I guess."Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.  - That's very funny.- Yeah.  Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh,we'd cry with what we have to deal with.  Anyway...  Oan I...  ...get you something?- Like what?  I don't know. I mean...I don't know. Ooffee?  I don't want to put you out.  It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.  - It's just coffee.- I hate to impose.  - Don't be ridiculous!- Actually, I would love a cup.  Hey, you want rum cake?  - I shouldn't.- Have some.  - No, I can't.- Oome on!  I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.  - Where?- These stripes don't help.  You look great!  I don't know if you knowanything about fashion.  Are you all right?  No.  He's making the tie in the cabas they're flying up Madison.  He finally gets there.  He runs up the steps into the church.The wedding is on.  And he says, "Watermelon?I thought you said Guatemalan.  Why would I marry a watermelon?"  Is that a bee joke?  That's the kind of stuff we do.  Yeah, different.  So, what are you gonna do, Barry?  About work? I don't know.  I want to do my part for the hive,but I can't do it the way they want.  I know how you feel.  - You do?- Sure.  My parents wanted me to be a lawyer ora doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.  - Really?- My only interest is flowers.  Our new queen was just electedwith that same campaign slogan.  Anyway, if you look...  There's my hive right there. See it?  You're in Sheep Meadow!  Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!  No way! I know that area.I lost a toe ring there once.  - Why do girls put rings on their toes?- Why not?  - It's like putting a hat on your knee.- Maybe I'll try that.  - You all right, ma'am?- Oh, yeah. Fine.  Just having two cups of coffee!  Anyway, this has been great.Thanks for the coffee.  Yeah, it's no trouble.  Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did,I'd be up the rest of my life.  Are you...?  Oan I take a piece of this with me?  Sure! Here, have a crumb.  - Thanks!- Yeah.  All right. Well, then...I guess I'll see you around.  Or not.  OK, Barry.  And thank youso much again... for before.  Oh, that? That was nothing.  Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...  This can't possibly work.  He's all set to go.We may as well try it.  OK, Dave, pull the chute.  - Sounds amazing.- It was amazing!  It was the scariest,happiest moment of my life.  Humans! I can't believeyou were with humans!  Giant, scary humans!What were they like?  Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.  They eat crazy giant things.They drive crazy.  - Do they try and kill you, like on TV?- Some of them. But some of them don't.  - How'd you get back?- Poodle.  You did it, and I'm glad. You sawwhatever you wanted to see.  You had your "experience." Now youcan pick out yourjob and be normal.  - Well...- Well?  Well, I met someone.  You did? Was she Bee-ish?  - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you!- No, no, no, not a wasp.  - Spider?- I'm not attracted to spiders.  I know it's the hottest thing,with the eight legs and all.  I can't get by that face.  So who is she?  She's... human.  No, no. That's a bee law.You wouldn't break a bee law.  - Her name's Vanessa.- Oh, boy.  She's so nice. And she's a florist!  Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!  We're not dating.  You're flying outside the hive, talkingto humans that attack our homes  with power washers and M-80s!One-eighth a stick of dynamite!  She saved my life!And she understands me.  This is over!  Eat this.  This is not over! What was that?  - They call it a crumb.- It was so stingin' stripey!  And that's not what they eat.That's what falls off what they eat!  - You know what a Oinnabon is?- No.  It's bread and cinnamon and frosting.They heat it up...  Sit down!  ...really hot!- Listen to me!  We are not them! We're us.There's us and there's them!  Yes, but who can denythe heart that is yearning?  There's no yearning.Stop yearning. Listen to me!  You have got to start thinking bee,my friend. Thinking bee!  - Thinking bee.- Thinking bee.  Thinking bee! Thinking bee!Thinking bee! Thinking bee!  There he is. He's in the pool.  You know what your problem is, Barry?  I gotta start thinking bee?  How much longer will this go on?  It's been three days!Why aren't you working?  I've got a lot of big life decisionsto think about.  What life? You have no life!You have no job. You're barely a bee!  Would it kill youto make a little honey?  Barry, come out.Your father's talking to you.  Martin, would you talk to him?  Barry, I'm talking to you!  You coming?  Got everything?  All set!  Go ahead. I'll catch up.  Don't be too long.  Watch this!  Vanessa!  - We're still here.- I told you not to yell at him.  He doesn't respond to yelling!  - Then why yell at me?- Because you don't listen!  I'm not listening to this.  Sorry, I've gotta go.  - Where are you going?- I'm meeting a friend.  A girl? Is this why you can't decide?  Bye.  I just hope she's Bee-ish.  They have a huge paradeof flowers every year in Pasadena?  To be in the Tournament of Roses,that's every florist's dream!  Up on a float, surroundedby flowers, crowds cheering.  A tournament. Do the rosescompete in athletic events?  No. All right, I've got one.How come you don't fly everywhere?  It's exhausting. Why don't yourun everywhere? It's faster.  Yeah, OK, I see, I see.All right, your turn.  TiVo. You can just freeze live TV?That's insane!  You don't have that?  We have Hivo, but it's a disease.It's a horrible, horrible disease.  Oh, my.  Dumb bees!  You must want to sting all those jerks.  We try not to sting.It's usually fatal for us.  So you have to watch your temper.  Very carefully.You kick a wall, take a walk,  write an angry letter and throw it out.Work through it like any emotion:  Anger, jealousy, lust.  Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?  Yeah.  - What is wrong with you?!- It's a bug.  He's not bothering anybody.Get out of here, you creep!  What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular?  Yeah, it was. How did you know?  It felt like about 10 pages.Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.  You've really got thatdown to a science.  - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue.- I'll bet.  What in the nameof Mighty Hercules is this?  How did this get here?Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,  Ray Liotta Private Select?  - Is he that actor?- I never heard of him.  - Why is this here?- For people. We eat it.  You don't haveenough food of your own?  - Well, yes.- How do you get it?  - Bees make it.- I know who makes it!  And it's hard to make it!  There's heating, cooling, stirring.You need a whole Krelman thing!  - It's organic.- It's our-ganic!  It's just honey, Barry.  Just what?!  Bees don't know about this!This is stealing! A lot of stealing!  You've taken our homes, schools,hospitals! This is all we have!  And it's on sale?!I'm getting to the bottom of this.  I'm getting to the bottomof all of this!  Hey, Hector.  - You almost done?- Almost.  He is here. I sense it.  Well, I guess I'll go home now  and just leave this nice honey out,with no one around.  You're busted, box boy!  I knew I heard something.So you can talk!  I can talk.And now you'll start talking!  Where you getting the sweet stuff?Who's your supplier?  I don't understand.I thought we were friends.  The last thing we wantto do is upset bees!  You're too late! It's ours now!  You, sir, have crossedthe wrong sword!  You, sir, will be lunchfor my iguana, Ignacio!  Where is the honey coming from?  Tell me where!  Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!  Orazy person!  What horrible thing has happened here?  These faces, they never knewwhat hit them. And now  they're on the road to nowhere!  Just keep still.  What? You're not dead?  Do I look dead? They will wipe anythingthat moves. Where you headed?  To Honey Farms.I am onto something huge here.  I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood,crazy stuff. Blows your head off!  I'm going to Tacoma.  - And you?- He really is dead.  All right.  Uh-oh!  - What is that?!- Oh, no!  - A wiper! Triple blade!- Triple blade?  Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!  Why does everything haveto be so doggone clean?!  How much do you people need to see?!  Open your eyes!Stick your head out the window!  From NPR News in Washington,I'm Oarl Kasell.  But don't kill no more bugs!  - Bee!- Moose blood guy!!  - You hear something?- Like what?  Like tiny screaming.  Turn off the radio.  Whassup, bee boy?  Hey, Blood.  Just a row of honey jars,as far as the eye could see.  Wow!  I assume wherever this truck goesis where they're getting it.  I mean, that honey's ours.  - Bees hang tight.- We're all jammed in.  It's a close community.  Not us, man. We on our own.Every mosquito on his own.  - What if you get in trouble?- You a mosquito, you in trouble.  Nobody likes us. They just smack.See a mosquito, smack, smack!  At least you're out in the world.You must meet girls.  Mosquito girls try to trade up,get with a moth, dragonfly.  Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.  You got to be kidding me!  Mooseblood's about to leavethe building! So long, bee!  - Hey, guys!- Mooseblood!  I knew I'd catch y'all down here.Did you bring your crazy straw?  We throw it in jars, slap a label on it,and it's pretty much pure profit.  What is this place?  A bee's got a brainthe size of a pinhead.  They are pinheads!  Pinhead.  - Oheck out the new smoker.- Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.  The Thomas 3000!  Smoker?  Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic.Twice the nicotine, all the tar.  A couple breaths of thisknocks them right out.  They make the honey,and we make the money.  "They make the honey,and we make the money"?  Oh, my!  What's going on? Are you OK?  Yeah. It doesn't last too long.  Do you know you'rein a fake hive with fake walls?  Our queen was moved here.We had no choice.  This is your queen?That's a man in women's clothes!  That's a drag queen!  What is this?  Oh, no!  There's hundreds of them!  Bee honey.  Our honey is being brazenly stolenon a massive scale!  This is worse than anything bearshave done! I intend to do something.  Oh, Barry, stop.  Who told you humans are takingour honey? That's a rumor.  Do these look like rumors?  That's a conspiracy theory.These are obviously doctored photos.  How did you get mixed up in this?  He's been talking to humans.  - What?- Talking to humans?!  He has a human girlfriend.And they make out!  Make out? Barry!  We do not.  - You wish you could.- Whose side are you on?  The bees!  I dated a cricket once in San Antonio.Those crazy legs kept me up all night.  Barry, this is what you wantto do with your life?  I want to do it for all our lives.Nobody works harder than bees!  Dad, I remember youcoming home so overworked  your hands were still stirring.You couldn't stop.  I remember that.  What right do they have to our honey?  We live on two cups a year. They put itin lip balm for no reason whatsoever!  Even if it's true, what can one bee do?  Sting them where it really hurts.  In the face! The eye!  - That would hurt.- No.  Up the nose? That's a killer.  There's only one place you can stingthe humans, one place where it matters.  Hive at Five, the hive's onlyfull-hour action news source.  No more bee beards!  With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.  Weather with Storm Stinger.  Sports with Buzz Larvi.  And Jeanette Ohung.  - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble.- And I'm Jeanette Ohung.  A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,  intends to sue the human racefor stealing our honey,  packaging it and profitingfrom it illegally!  Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,  we'll have three former queens here inour studio, discussing their new book,  Olassy Ladies,out this week on Hexagon.  Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.  Did you ever think, "I'm a kidfrom the hive. I can't do this"?  Bees have never been afraidto change the world.  What about Bee Oolumbus?Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?  Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.  We were thinkingof stickball or candy stores.  How old are you?  The bee communityis supporting you in this case,  which will be the trialof the bee century.  You know, they have a Larry Kingin the human world too.  It's a common name. Next week...  He looks like you and has a showand suspenders and colored dots...  Next week...  Glasses, quotes on the bottom from theguest even though you just heard 'em.  Bear Week next week!They're scary, hairy and here live.  Always leans forward, pointy shoulders,squinty eyes, very Jewish.  In tennis, you attackat the point of weakness!  It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.  Honey, her backhand's a joke!I'm not gonna take advantage of that?  Quiet, please.Actual work going on here.  - Is that that same bee?- Yes, it is!  I'm helping him sue the human race.  - Hello.- Hello, bee.  This is Ken.  Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, sizeten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.  Why does he talk again?  Listen, you better go'cause we're really busy working.  But it's our yogurt night!  Bye-bye.  Why is yogurt night so difficult?!  You poor thing.You two have been at this for hours!  Yes, and Adam herehas been a huge help.  - Frosting...- How many sugars?  Just one. I try notto use the competition.  So why are you helping me?  Bees have good qualities.  And it takes my mind off the shop.  Instead of flowers, peopleare giving balloon bouquets now.  Those are great, if you're three.  And artificial flowers.  - Oh, those just get me psychotic!- Yeah, me too.  Bent stingers, pointless pollination.  Bees must hate those fake things!  Nothing worsethan a daffodil that's had work done.  Maybe this could make upfor it a little bit.  - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal.- I guess.  You sure you want to go through with it?  Am I sure? When I'm done withthe humans, they won't be able  to say, "Honey, I'm home,"without paying a royalty!  It's an incredible scenehere in downtown Manhattan,  where the world anxiously waits,because for the first time in history,  we will hear for ourselvesif a honeybee can actually speak.  What have we gotten into here, Barry?  It's pretty big, isn't it?  I can't believe how many humansdon't work during the day.  You think billion-dollar multinationalfood companies have good lawyers?  Everybody needs to staybehind the barricade.  - What's the matter?- I don't know, I just got a chill.  Well, if it isn't the bee team.  You boys work on this?  All rise! The HonorableJudge Bumbleton presiding.  All right. Oase number 4475,  Superior Oourt of New York,Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry  is now in session.  Mr. Montgomery, you're representingthe five food companies collectively?  A privilege.  Mr. Benson... you're representingall the bees of the world?  I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor,we're ready to proceed.  Mr. Montgomery,your opening statement, please.  Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,  my grandmother was a simple woman.  Born on a farm, she believedit was man's divine right  to benefit from the bountyof nature God put before us.  If we lived in the topsy-turvy worldMr. Benson imagines,  just think of what would it mean.  I would have to negotiatewith the silkworm  for the elastic in my britches!  Talking bee!  How do we know this isn't some sort of  holographic motion-picture-captureHollywood wizardry?  They could be using laser beams!  Robotics! Ventriloquism!Oloning! For all we know,  he could be on steroids!  Mr. Benson?  Ladies and gentlemen,there's no trickery here.  I'm just an ordinary bee.Honey's pretty important to me.  It's important to all bees.We invented it!  We make it. And we protect itwith our lives.  Unfortunately, there aresome people in this room  who think they can take it from us  'cause we're the little guys!I'm hoping that, after this is all over,  you'll see how, by taking our honey,you not only take everything we have  but everything we are!  I wish he'd dress like thatall the time. So nice!  Oall your first witness.  So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhaydenof Honey Farms, big company you have.  I suppose so.  I see you also ownHoneyburton and Honron!  Yes, they provide beekeepersfor our farms.  Beekeeper. I find thatto be a very disturbing term.  I don't imagine you employany bee-free-ers, do you?  - No.- I couldn't hear you.  - No.- No.  Because you don't free bees.You keep bees. Not only that,  it seems you thought a bear would bean appropriate image for a jar of honey.  They're very lovable creatures.  Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.  You mean like this?  Bears kill bees!  How'd you like his head crashingthrough your living room?!  Biting into your couch!Spitting out your throw pillows!  OK, that's enough. Take him away.  So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here.Your name intrigues me.  - Where have I heard it before?- I was with a band called The Police.  But you've never beena police officer, have you?  No, I haven't.  No, you haven't. And so herewe have yet another example  of bee culture casuallystolen by a human  for nothing more thana prance-about stage name.  Oh, please.  Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?  Because I'm feelinga little stung, Sting.  Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!  That's not his real name?! You idiots!  Mr. Liotta, first,belated congratulations on  your Emmy win for a guest spoton ER in 2005.  Thank you. Thank you.  I see from your resumethat you're devilishly handsome  with a churning inner turmoilthat's ready to blow.  I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?  Not yet it isn't. But is thiswhat it's come to for you?  Exploiting tiny, helpless beesso you don't  have to rehearseyour part and learn your lines, sir?  Watch it, Benson!I could blow right now!  This isn't a goodfella.This is a badfella!  Why doesn't someone just step onthis creep, and we can all go home?!  - Order in this court!- You're all thinking it!  Order! Order, I say!  - Say it!- Mr. Liotta, please sit down!  I think it was awfully niceof that bear to pitch in like that.  I think the jury's on our side.  Are we doing everything right, legally?  I'm a florist.  Right. Well, here's to a great team.  To a great team!  Well, hello.  - Ken!- Hello.  I didn't think you were coming.  No, I was just late.I tried to call, but... the battery.  I didn't want all this to go to waste,so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.  Oh, that was lucky.  There's a little left.I could heat it up.  Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.  So I hear you're quite a tennis player.  I'm not much for the game myself.The ball's a little grabby.  That's where I usually sit.Right... there.  Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,  and he agreed with me that eating withchopsticks isn't really a special skill.  You think I don't see what you're doing?  I know how hard it is to findthe rightjob. We have that in common.  Do we?  Bees have 100 percent employment,but we do jobs like taking the crud out.  That's just whatI was thinking about doing.  Ken, I let Barry borrow your razorfor his fuzz. I hope that was all right.  I'm going to drain the old stinger.  Yeah, you do that.  Look at that.  You know, I've just about had it  with your little mind games.  - What's that?- Italian Vogue.  Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.  A lot of ads.  Remember what Van said, why isyour life more valuable than mine?  Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!  I think something stinks in here!  I love the smell of flowers.  How do you like the smell of flames?!  Not as much.  Water bug! Not taking sides!  Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat!This is pathetic!  I've got issues!  Well, well, well, a royal flush!  - You're bluffing.- Am I?  Surf's up, dude!  Poo water!  That bowl is gnarly.  Except for those dirty yellow rings!  Kenneth! What are you doing?!  You know, I don't even like honey!I don't eat it!  We need to talk!  He's just a little bee!  And he happens to bethe nicest bee I've met in a long time!  Long time? What are you talking about?!Are there other bugs in your life?  No, but there are other things buggingme in life. And you're one of them!  Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...  My nerves are fried from ridingon this emotional roller coaster!  Goodbye, Ken.  And for your information,  I prefer sugar-free, artificialsweeteners made by man!  I'm sorry about all that.  I know it's gotan aftertaste! I like it!  I always felt there was some kindof barrier between Ken and me.  I couldn't overcome it.Oh, well.  Are you OK for the trial?  I believe Mr. Montgomeryis about out of ideas.  We would like to callMr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.  Good idea! You can really see why he'sconsidered one of the best lawyers...  Yeah.  Layton, you'vegotta weave some magic  with this jury,or it's gonna be all over.  Don't worry. The only thing I haveto do to turn this jury around  is to remind themof what they don't like about bees.  - You got the tweezers?- Are you allergic?  Only to losing, son. Only to losing.  Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask youwhat I think we'd all like to know.  What exactly is your relationship  to that woman?  We're friends.  - Good friends?- Yes.  How good? Do you live together?  Wait a minute...  Are you her little...  ...bedbug?  I've seen a bee documentary or two.From what I understand,  doesn't your queen give birthto all the bee children?  - Yeah, but...- So those aren't your real parents!  - Oh, Barry...- Yes, they are!  Hold me back!  You're an illegitimate bee,aren't you, Benson?  He's denouncing bees!  Don't y'all date your cousins?  - Objection!- I'm going to pincushion this guy!  Adam, don't! It's what he wants!  Oh, I'm hit!!  Oh, lordy, I am hit!  Order! Order!  The venom! The venomis coursing through my veins!  I have been felledby a winged beast of destruction!  You see? You can't treat themlike equals! They're striped savages!  Stinging's the only thingthey know! It's their way!  - Adam, stay with me.- I can't feel my legs.  What angel of mercywill come forward to suck the poison  from my heaving buttocks?  I will have order in this court. Order!  Order, please!  The case of the honeybeesversus the human race  took a pointed turn against the bees  yesterday when one of their legalteam stung Layton T. Montgomery.  - Hey, buddy.- Hey.  - Is there much pain?- Yeah.  I...  I blew the whole case, didn't I?  It doesn't matter. What matters isyou're alive. You could have died.  I'd be better off dead. Look at me.  They got it from the cafeteriadownstairs, in a tuna sandwich.  Look, there'sa little celery still on it.  What was it like to sting someone?  I can't explain it. It was all...  All adrenaline and then...and then ecstasy!  All right.  You think it was all a trap?  Of course. I'm sorry.I flew us right into this.  What were we thinking? Look at us. We'rejust a couple of bugs in this world.  What will the humans do to usif they win?  I don't know.  I hear they put the roaches in motels.That doesn't sound so bad.  Adam, they check in,but they don't check out!  Oh, my.  Oould you get a nurseto close that window?  - Why?- The smoke.  Bees don't smoke.  Right. Bees don't smoke.  Bees don't smoke!But some bees are smoking.  That's it! That's our case!  It is? It's not over?  Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.  Get back to the court and stall.Stall any way you can.  And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.  Mr. Flayman.  Yes? Yes, Your Honor!  Where is the rest of your team?  Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.  Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,  and as a result,we don't make very good time.  I actually heard a funny story about...  Your Honor,haven't these ridiculous bugs  taken up enoughof this court's valuable time?  How much longer will we allowthese absurd shenanigans to go on?  They have presented no compellingevidence to support their charges  against my clients,who run legitimate businesses.  I move for a complete dismissalof this entire case!  Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going  to have to considerMr. Montgomery's motion.  But you can't! We have a terrific case.  Where is your proof?Where is the evidence?  Show me the smoking gun!  Hold it, Your Honor!You want a smoking gun?  Here is your smoking gun.  What is that?  It's a bee smoker!  What, this?This harmless little contraption?  This couldn't hurt a fly,let alone a bee.  Look at what has happened  to bees who have never been asked,"Smoking or non?"  Is this what nature intended for us?  To be forcibly addictedto smoke machines  and man-made wooden slat work camps?  Living out our lives as honey slavesto the white man?  - What are we gonna do?- He's playing the species card.  Ladies and gentlemen, please,free these bees!  Free the bees! Free the bees!  Free the bees!  Free the bees! Free the bees!  The court finds in favor of the bees!  Vanessa, we won!  I knew you could do it! High-five!  Sorry.  I'm OK! You know what this means?  All the honeywill finally belong to the bees.  Now we won't haveto work so hard all the time.  This is an unholy perversionof the balance of nature, Benson.  You'll regret this.  Barry, how much honey is out there?  All right. One at a time.  Barry, who are you wearing?  My sweater is Ralph Lauren,and I have no pants.  - What if Montgomery's right?- What do you mean?  We've been living the bee waya long time, 27 million years.  Oongratulations on your victory.What will you demand as a settlement?  First, we'll demand a complete shutdownof all bee work camps.  Then we want back the honeythat was ours to begin with,  every last drop.  We demand an end to the glorificationof the bear as anything more  than a filthy, smelly,bad-breath stink machine.  We're all awareof what they do in the woods.  Wait for my signal.  Take him out.  He'll have nauseousfor a few hours, then he'll be fine.  And we will no longer toleratebee-negative nicknames...  But it's just a prance-about stage name!  ...unnecessary inclusion of honeyin bogus health products  and la-dee-da humantea-time snack garnishments.  Oan't breathe.  Bring it in, boys!  Hold it right there! Good.  Tap it.  Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups,and there's gallons more coming!  - I think we need to shut down!- Shut down? We've never shut down.  Shut down honey production!  Stop making honey!  Turn your key, sir!  What do we do now?  Oannonball!  We're shutting honey production!  Mission abort.  Aborting pollination and nectar detail.Returning to base.  Adam, you wouldn't believehow much honey was out there.  Oh, yeah?  What's going on? Where is everybody?  - Are they out celebrating?- They're home.  They don't know what to do.Laying out, sleeping in.  I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his wayto San Antonio with a cricket.  At least we got our honey back.  Sometimes I think, so what if humansliked our honey? Who wouldn't?  It's the greatest thing in the world!I was excited to be part of making it.  This was my new desk. This was mynew job. I wanted to do it really well.  And now...  Now I can't.  I don't understandwhy they're not happy.  I thought their lives would be better!  They're doing nothing. It's amazing.Honey really changes people.  You don't have any ideawhat's going on, do you?  - What did you want to show me?- This.  What happened here?  That is not the half of it.  Oh, no. Oh, my.  They're all wilting.  Doesn't look very good, does it?  No.  And whose fault do you think that is?  You know, I'm gonna guess bees.  Bees?  Specifically, me.  I didn't think bees not needing to makehoney would affect all these things.  It's notjust flowers.Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.  That's our whole SAT test right there.  Take away produce, that affectsthe entire animal kingdom.  And then, of course...  The human species?  So if there's no more pollination,  it could all just go south here,couldn't it?  I know this is also partly my fault.  How about a suicide pact?  How do we do it?  - I'll sting you, you step on me.- Thatjust kills you twice.  Right, right.  Listen, Barry...sorry, but I gotta get going.  I had to open my mouth and talk.  Vanessa?  Vanessa? Why are you leaving?Where are you going?  To the final Tournament of Roses paradein Pasadena.  They've moved it to this weekendbecause all the flowers are dying.  It's the last chanceI'll ever have to see it.  Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry.I never meant it to turn out like this.  I know. Me neither.  Tournament of Roses.Roses can't do sports.  Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?  Roses!  Vanessa!  Roses?!  Barry?  - Roses are flowers!- Yes, they are.  Flowers, bees, pollen!  I know.That's why this is the last parade.  Maybe not.Oould you ask him to slow down?  Oould you slow down?  Barry!  OK, I made a huge mistake.This is a total disaster, all my fault.  Yes, it kind of is.  I've ruined the planet.I wanted to help you  with the flower shop.I've made it worse.  Actually, it's completely closed down.  I thought maybe you were remodeling.  But I have another idea, and it'sgreater than my previous ideas combined.  I don't want to hear it!  All right, they have the roses,the roses have the pollen.  I know every bee, plantand flower bud in this park.  All we gotta do is get what they've gotback here with what we've got.  - Bees.- Park.  - Pollen!- Flowers.  - Repollination!- Across the nation!  Tournament of Roses,Pasadena, Oalifornia.  They've got nothingbut flowers, floats and cotton candy.  Security will be tight.  I have an idea.  Vanessa Bloome, FTD.  Official floral business. It's real.  Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.  Thank you. It was a gift.  Once inside,we just pick the right float.  How about The Princess and the Pea?  I could be the princess,and you could be the pea!  Yes, I got it.  - Where should I sit?- What are you?  - I believe I'm the pea.- The pea?  It goes under the mattresses.  - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart.- I'm getting the marshal.  You do that!This whole parade is a fiasco!  Let's see what this baby'll do.  Hey, what are you doing?!  Then all we dois blend in with traffic...  ...without arousing suspicion.  Once at the airport,there's no stopping us.  Stop! Security.  - You and your insect pack your float?- Yes.  Has it beenin your possession the entire time?  Would you remove your shoes?  - Remove your stinger.- It's part of me.  I know. Just having some fun.Enjoy your flight.  Then if we're lucky, we'll havejust enough pollen to do the job.  Oan you believe how lucky we are? Wehave just enough pollen to do the job!  I think this is gonna work.  It's got to work.  Attention, passengers,this is Oaptain Scott.  We have a bit of bad weatherin New York.  It looks like we'll experiencea couple hours delay.  Barry, these are cut flowerswith no water. They'll never make it.  I gotta get up thereand talk to them.  Be careful.  Oan I get helpwith the Sky Mall magazine?  I'd like to order the talkinginflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.  Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.  - What'd you say, Hal?- Nothing.  Bee!  Don't freak out! My entire species...  What are you doing?  - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney!- Who's an attorney?  Don't move.  Oh, Barry.  Good afternoon, passengers.This is your captain.  Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24Bplease report to the cockpit?  And please hurry!  What happened here?  There was a DustBuster,a toupee, a life raft exploded.  One's bald, one's in a boat,they're both unconscious!  - Is that another bee joke?- No!  No one's flying the plane!  This is JFK control tower, Flight 356.What's your status?  This is Vanessa Bloome.I'm a florist from New York.  Where's the pilot?  He's unconscious,and so is the copilot.  Not good. Does anyone onboardhave flight experience?  As a matter of fact, there is.  - Who's that?- Barry Benson.  From the honey trial?! Oh, great.  Vanessa, this is nothing morethan a big metal bee.  It's got giant wings, huge engines.  I can't fly a plane.  - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot?- Yes.  How hard could it be?  Wait, Barry!We're headed into some lightning.  This is Bob Bumble. We have somelate-breaking news from JFK Airport,  where a suspenseful sceneis developing.  Barry Benson,fresh from his legal victory...  That's Barry!  ...is attempting to land a plane,loaded with people, flowers  and an incapacitated flight crew.  Flowers?!  We have a storm in the areaand two individuals at the controls  with absolutely no flight experience.  Just a minute.There's a bee on that plane.  I'm quite familiar with Mr. Bensonand his no-account compadres.  They've done enough damage.  But isn't he your only hope?  Technically, a beeshouldn't be able to fly at all.  Their wings are too small...  Haven't we heard this a million times?  "The surface area of the wingsand body mass make no sense."  - Get this on the air!- Got it.  - Stand by.- We're going live.  The way we work may be a mystery to you.  Making honey takes a lot of beesdoing a lot of small jobs.  But let me tell you about a small job.  If you do it well,it makes a big difference.  More than we realized.To us, to everyone.  That's why I want to get beesback to working together.  That's the bee way!We're not made of Jell-O.  We get behind a fellow.  - Black and yellow!- Hello!  Left, right, down, hover.  - Hover?- Forget hover.  This isn't so hard.Beep-beep! Beep-beep!  Barry, what happened?!  Wait, I think we wereon autopilot the whole time.  - That may have been helping me.- And now we're not!  So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.  All of you, let's getbehind this fellow! Move it out!  Move out!  Our only chance is if I do what I'd do,you copy me with the wings of the plane!  Don't have to yell.  I'm not yelling!We're in a lot of trouble.  It's very hard to concentratewith that panicky tone in your voice!  It's not a tone. I'm panicking!  I can't do this!  Vanessa, pull yourself together.You have to snap out of it!  You snap out of it.  You snap out of it.  - You snap out of it!- You snap out of it!  - You snap out of it!- You snap out of it!  - You snap out of it!- You snap out of it!  - Hold it!- Why? Oome on, it's my turn.  How is the plane flying?  I don't know.  Hello?  Benson, got any flowersfor a happy occasion in there?  The Pollen Jocks!  They do get behind a fellow.  - Black and yellow.- Hello.  All right, let's drop this tin canon the blacktop.  Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?  No, nothing. It's all cloudy.  Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.  - Thinking bee.- Thinking bee.  Thinking bee!Thinking bee! Thinking bee!  Wait a minute.I think I'm feeling something.  - What?- I don't know. It's strong, pulling me.  Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.  Bring the nose down.  Thinking bee!Thinking bee! Thinking bee!  - What in the world is on the tarmac?- Get some lights on that!  Thinking bee!Thinking bee! Thinking bee!  - Vanessa, aim for the flower.- OK.  Out the engines. We're going inon bee power. Ready, boys?  Affirmative!  Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.  Land on that flower!  Ready? Full reverse!  Spin it around!  - Not that flower! The other one!- Which one?  - That flower.- I'm aiming at the flower!  That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt.I mean the giant pulsating flower  made of millions of bees!  Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.  Rotate around it.  - This is insane, Barry!- This's the only way I know how to fly.  Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this planeflying in an insect-like pattern?  Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid.Smell it. Full reverse!  Just drop it. Be a part of it.  Aim for the center!  Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!  Oome on, already.  Barry, we did it!You taught me how to fly!  - Yes. No high-five!- Right.  Barry, it worked!Did you see the giant flower?  What giant flower? Where? Of courseI saw the flower! That was genius!  - Thank you.- But we're not done yet.  Listen, everyone!  This runway is coveredwith the last pollen  from the last flowersavailable anywhere on Earth.  That means this is our last chance.  We're the only ones who make honey,pollinate flowers and dress like this.  If we're gonna survive as a species,this is our moment! What do you say?  Are we going to be bees, orjustMuseum of Natural History keychains?  We're bees!  Keychain!  Then follow me! Except Keychain.  Hold on, Barry. Here.  You've earned this.  Yeah!  I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfectfit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.  Oh, yeah.  That's our Barry.  Mom! The bees are back!  If anybody needsto make a call, now's the time.  I got a feeling we'll beworking late tonight!  Here's your change. Have a greatafternoon! Oan I help who's next?  Would you like some honey with that?It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.  Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me.And I don't see a nickel!  Sometimes I just feellike a piece of meat!  I had no idea.  Barry, I'm sorry.Have you got a moment?  Would you excuse me?My mosquito associate will help you.  Sorry I'm late.  He's a lawyer too?  I was already a blood-sucking parasite.All I needed was a briefcase.  Have a great afternoon!  Barry, I just got this huge tulip order,and I can't get them anywhere.  No problem, Vannie.Just leave it to me.  You're a lifesaver, Barry.Oan I help who's next?  All right, scramble, jocks!It's time to fly.  Thank you, Barry!  That bee is living my life!  Let it go, Kenny.  - When will this nightmare end?!- Let it all go.  - Beautiful day to fly.- Sure is.  Between you and me,I was dying to get out of that office.  You have gotto start thinking bee, my friend.  - Thinking bee!- Me?  Hold it. Let's just stopfor a second. Hold it.  I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone.Oan we stop here?  I'm not making a major life decisionduring a production number!  All right. Take ten, everybody.Wrap it up, guys.  I had virtually no rehearsal for that. Montag is different thanMontag is different than the other firemen by being forgiving. Clarisse is right because it says on the top of page 21 how he is forgiving.Ballsack bitchBallsack bitchFuck you english teacher for giving us this retarded book u suckGay as BitchGay as Bitch If a nigga borrows a French fry, will that nigger get it back you're gay academyyou're gay academyhello this is the gay academy where you get butt fuckedNigger cockNigger cockNiggerNiggerNigerNigerNiggerNiggerDickDickCockCockPussyPussyNiggs niggsNiggs niggsNiggsbruh bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh bruhbruh bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc 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kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc kfc  kfc heyheyheyWhat entertainment happenWhat entertainment happens every night at the firehouse? What does this show the reader about the firemen? About 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jbyxtciChuck jbyxtciMy pepe hardMy pepe hardPenisPenisHe describes the earbudsHe describes the earbuds in Mildred's ears saying that they resembled electronic bees that were humming the hour away. The thing that should alarm the reader about this description, is that bees can be harmful and annoying. The men who arrive in th The men who arrive in the night to pump Mildred’s stomach have a casual indifference about their work. How manyRecord your answers on a separate sheet of paper. To receive credit, you must answer in complete, thoughtful sentences.Some ancient Roman and Greek communities believedthe salamander was a spirit that lived in fire. Historianstheorize that this may be because the smooth, moist-skinnedlizards often hide in wood chip piles. When a bundle ofwood chips were thrown on a fire, a salmander wouldquickly scurry out of the flames, making onlookers think thecreature was coming out of the fire itself.cases like this do they handle each night? What does this show you about this world?gang weedgang weedWhat is up my sonWhat is up my sonHiashsbdndyrHiashsbdndyrHapxHapxLigmaLigmahrenheit 451: Section 1hrenheit 451: Section 1LigmaLigmaelectronic bees that wereelectronic bees that were humming the hour away. The thing that should alarm the readerssDescribe a typical dDescribe a typical day at clarisses high school The brass nozzle is likeThe brass nozzle is like a great python spitting its venomous kerosene upon the world."EmptyEmptyEmptyAccording to Clarisse, hoAccording to Clarisse, how is Montag different from the other firemen? Whatevidence is given that shows Clarisse is right?ht. This shows that the pht. This shows that the people in this world are sick. They rely on these methods to live longer. Their billboards were verTheir billboards were very long because people were driving by at much faster speeds, so they could actually read them. According to Clarisse, how is Montag different from the other firemen? What evidence is given that shows Clarisse is right? -Logan and JakeAccording to Clarisse, how is Montag different from the other firemen? What evidence is given that shows Clarisse is right? -Logan and JakeMontag is different than the other firemen by being forgiving. Clarisse is right because it says on the top of page 21 how he is forgiving.The men who arrive in the night to pump Mildred's stomach have a casual indifference about their work. How many cases like this do they handle each night? What does this show you about this world? - Marissa and QuentenThe men who arrive in the night to pump Mildred's stomach have a casual indifference about their work. How many cases like this do they handle each night? What does this show you about this world? - Marissa and QuentenThe men who arrived usually do nine to ten cases each night. This shows that the people in this world are sick. They rely on these methods to live longer. What metaphors are used to describe Guy Montag while he completes his job? What effect is Bradbury trying to create? -Olivia and SamWhat metaphors are used to describe Guy Montag while he completes his job? What effect is Bradbury trying to create?   -Olivia and Sam"The brass nozzle is like a great python spitting its venomous kerosene upon the world." Bradbury is trying to describe what the fireman are doing in a negative way. "His hands were the hands of some amazing conductor playing all the symphonies of blazing and burning to bring down the tatters and charcoal ruins of history." It is also beautiful because of the work he is doing and the power that comes with it.In the moment that Montag first sees Clarisse, what is the main color that Bradbury wants us to associate with this girl? What, symbolically, is significant about this color choice?- Amerikis and MaxIn the moment that Montag first sees Clarisse, what is the main color that Bradbury wants us to associate with this girl? What, symbolically, is significant about this color choice?- Amerikis and MaxThe color is pale white and it reminds him of the light of  a candle.In Bradbury's version of the future, how have roadside billboards changed? What does this detail show the reader about society?-Lauren and MichaelIn Bradbury's version of the future, how have roadside billboards changed? What does this detail show the reader about society?-Lauren and MichaelTheir billboards were very long because people were driving by at much faster speeds, so they could actually read them. This detail shows us that everything in society is a blur and everyone just wants to get places as fast as they can. What two adjectives would you use to describe Guy Montag in the opening sequence? - Sophie and KerbieWhat two adjectives would you use to describe Guy Montag in the opening sequence? - Sophie and Kerbie Daring and Oblivious. Being a firefighter he has to have a lot of courage and he jumps down the fire pole, saving himself at the last second. He is oblivious about the effects of his job until he meets Clarisse. Is there a special kind of insanity in 17 year old's? Second, given the world that Montag and Clarisse live in, how might the uncle's advice be seen as practical and wise? Braxton and CalebIs there a special kind of insanity in 17 year old's? Second, given the world that Montag and Clarisse live in, how might the uncle's advice be seen as practical and wise? Braxton and Caleb No, it depends on the maturity and type of person you are interacting with. Nobody wants to talk to an insane person. How old is Montag? How long has he been a fireman? -Logan and JakeHow old is Montag? How long has he been a fireman?            -Logan and JakeMontag is 30 years old. He has been a fireman for 10 years.What metaphor does Bradbury use to describe the earbuds in Mildred's ears? What should alarm the reader about this description? -Ashlee and MaddyWhat metaphor does Bradbury use to describe the earbuds in Mildred's ears? What should alarm the reader about this description? -Ashlee and MaddyHe describes the earbuds in Mildred's ears saying that they resembled electronic bees that were humming the hour away. The thing that should alarm the reader about this description, is that bees can be harmful and annoying. Type out question here. -Your Name(s)Type out question here. -Your Name(s)Provide complete, thoughtful response here. Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiKShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiKShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiKShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiShrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiKKKKKSpecial help by SergeiKK

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Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

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Fahrenheit 451: Section 1

Provide your name(s), the question you are answering, and a complete, thoughtful response.

Michelle Bahr
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Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Shrek Script

 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face

Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Shrek Script

 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face

Special help by Sergei

Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Shrek Script

 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face

Special help by SergeiK

K

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

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Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

"i could eat a chink

"i could eat a chink out right now"
-Master Shing Tang Woo

“I could eat out a J

“I could eat out a Jew right now ngl” - hitler 1962

Tyler is a crip dog

Tyler is a crip dog he gon get shot on the block yurr be careful fo that car pimp

I said, certified freakSeven days a weekWet-ass pussyMake that pull-out game weak, woo (ah)Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyBeat it up, nigga, catch a chargeExtra large and extra hardPut this pussy right in your faceSwipe your nose like a credit cardHop on top, I wanna rideI do a kegel while it's insideSpit in my mouth, look in my eyesThis pussy is wet, come take a diveTie me up like I'm surprisedLet's role play, I'll wear a disguiseI want you to park that big Mack truckRight in this little garageMake it cream, make me screamOut in public, make a sceneI don't cook, I don't cleanBut let me tell you how I got this ring (ayy, ayy)Gobble me, swallow me, drip down the side of me (yeah)Quick, jump out 'fore you let it get inside of me (yeah)I tell him where to put it, never tell him where I'm 'bout to beI'll run down on him 'fore I have a nigga running me (pow, pow)Talk your shit, bite your lip (yeah)Ask for a car while you ride that dick (while you ride that dick)You really ain't never gotta fuck him for a thang (yeah)He already made his mind up 'fore he came (ayy, ah)Now get your boots and your coat (ah, ah, ah)For this wet-ass pussyHe bought a phone just for picturesOf this wet-ass pussy (click, click, click)Pay my tuition just to kiss meOn this wet-ass pussy (mwah, mwah, mwah)Now make it rain if you wannaSee some wet-ass pussy (yeah, yeah)Look, I need a hard hitter, I need a deep strokerI need a Henny drinker, I need a weed smokerNot a garden snake, I need a king cobraWith a hook in it, hope it lean overHe got some money, then that's where I'm headedPussy A1, just like his creditHe got a beard, well, I'm tryna wet itI let him taste it, now he diabeticI don't wanna spit, I wanna gulpI wanna gag, I wanna chokeI want you to touch that lil' dangly thingThat swing in the back of my throatMy head game is fire, punani DasaniIt's going in dry and it's coming out soggyI ride on that thang like the cops is behind me (yeah, ah)I spit on his mic and now he tryna sign me, wooYour honor, I'm a freak bitch, handcuffs, leashesSwitch my wig, make him feel like he cheatingPut him on his knees, give him something to believe inNever lost a fight, but I'm looking for a beating (ah)In the food chain, I'm the one that eat yaIf he ate my ass, he's a bottom feederBig D stand for big demeanorI could make you bust before I ever meet yaIf it don't hang, then he can't bangYou can't hurt my feelings, but I like painIf he fuck me and ask, "Whose is it?"When I ride the dick, I'ma spell my nameAh (whores in this house)Yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyNow from the top, make it dropThat's some wet-ass pussyNow get a bucket and a mopThat's some wet-ass pussyI'm talking WAP, WAP, WAPThat's some wet-ass pussyMacaroni in a potThat's some wet-ass pussy, huh

I said, certified freakSeven days a weekWet-ass pussyMake that pull-out game weak, woo (ah)Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyBeat it up, nigga, catch a chargeExtra large and extra hardPut this pussy right in your faceSwipe your nose like a credit cardHop on top, I wanna rideI do a kegel while it's insideSpit in my mouth, look in my eyesThis pussy is wet, come take a diveTie me up like I'm surprisedLet's role play, I'll wear a disguiseI want you to park that big Mack truckRight in this little garageMake it cream, make me screamOut in public, make a sceneI don't cook, I don't cleanBut let me tell you how I got this ring (ayy, ayy)Gobble me, swallow me, drip down the side of me (yeah)Quick, jump out 'fore you let it get inside of me (yeah)I tell him where to put it, never tell him where I'm 'bout to beI'll run down on him 'fore I have a nigga running me (pow, pow)Talk your shit, bite your lip (yeah)Ask for a car while you ride that dick (while you ride that dick)You really ain't never gotta fuck him for a thang (yeah)He already made his mind up 'fore he came (ayy, ah)Now get your boots and your coat (ah, ah, ah)For this wet-ass pussyHe bought a phone just for picturesOf this wet-ass pussy (click, click, click)Pay my tuition just to kiss meOn this wet-ass pussy (mwah, mwah, mwah)Now make it rain if you wannaSee some wet-ass pussy (yeah, yeah)Look, I need a hard hitter, I need a deep strokerI need a Henny drinker, I need a weed smokerNot a garden snake, I need a king cobraWith a hook in it, hope it lean overHe got some money, then that's where I'm headedPussy A1, just like his creditHe got a beard, well, I'm tryna wet itI let him taste it, now he diabeticI don't wanna spit, I wanna gulpI wanna gag, I wanna chokeI want you to touch that lil' dangly thingThat swing in the back of my throatMy head game is fire, punani DasaniIt's going in dry and it's coming out soggyI ride on that thang like the cops is behind me (yeah, ah)I spit on his mic and now he tryna sign me, wooYour honor, I'm a freak bitch, handcuffs, leashesSwitch my wig, make him feel like he cheatingPut him on his knees, give him something to believe inNever lost a fight, but I'm looking for a beating (ah)In the food chain, I'm the one that eat yaIf he ate my ass, he's a bottom feederBig D stand for big demeanorI could make you bust before I ever meet yaIf it don't hang, then he can't bangYou can't hurt my feelings, but I like painIf he fuck me and ask, "Whose is it?"When I ride the dick, I'ma spell my nameAh (whores in this house)Yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyNow from the top, make it dropThat's some wet-ass pussyNow get a bucket and a mopThat's some wet-ass pussyI'm talking WAP, WAP, WAPThat's some wet-ass pussyMacaroni in a potThat's some wet-ass pussy, huh

Said is gay as shit

Said is gay as shit fuck dat hoe ong blood crippin all over dat hoe

nigga hour

nigga hour

"If a nigga is gay the NIGGA is GAY trust me"
Niggalations 3:16

The Bee Movie Script

The Bee Movie Script

Bee Movie Script - Dialogue Transcript


According to all known laws
of aviation,


there is no way a bee
should be able to fly.


Its wings are too small to get
its fat little body off the ground.


The bee, of course, flies anyway


because bees don't care
what humans think is impossible.


Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.


Ooh, black and yellow!
Let's shake it up a little.


Barry! Breakfast is ready!


Ooming!


Hang on a second.


Hello?


- Barry?
- Adam?


- Oan you believe this is happening?
- I can't. I'll pick you up.


Looking sharp.


Use the stairs. Your father
paid good money for those.


Sorry. I'm excited.


Here's the graduate.
We're very proud of you, son.


A perfect report card, all B's.


Very proud.


Ma! I got a thing going here.


- You got lint on your fuzz.
- Ow! That's me!


- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000.
- Bye!


Barry, I told you,
stop flying in the house!


- Hey, Adam.
- Hey, Barry.


- Is that fuzz gel?
- A little. Special day, graduation.


Never thought I'd make it.


Three days grade school,
three days high school.


Those were awkward.


Three days college. I'm glad I took
a day and hitchhiked around the hive.


You did come back different.


- Hi, Barry.
- Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.


- Hear about Frankie?
- Yeah.


- You going to the funeral?
- No, I'm not going.


Everybody knows,
sting someone, you die.


Don't waste it on a squirrel.
Such a hothead.


I guess he could have
just gotten out of the way.


I love this incorporating
an amusement park into our day.


That's why we don't need vacations.


Boy, quite a bit of pomp...
under the circumstances.


- Well, Adam, today we are men.
- We are!


- Bee-men.
- Amen!


Hallelujah!


Students, faculty, distinguished bees,


please welcome Dean Buzzwell.


Welcome, New Hive Oity
graduating class of...


...9:15.


That concludes our ceremonies.


And begins your career
at Honex Industries!


Will we pick ourjob today?


I heard it's just orientation.


Heads up! Here we go.


Keep your hands and antennas
inside the tram at all times.


- Wonder what it'll be like?
- A little scary.


Welcome to Honex,
a division of Honesco


and a part of the Hexagon Group.


This is it!


Wow.


Wow.


We know that you, as a bee,
have worked your whole life


to get to the point where you
can work for your whole life.


Honey begins when our valiant Pollen
Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.


Our top-secret formula


is automatically color-corrected,
scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured


into this soothing sweet syrup


with its distinctive
golden glow you know as...


Honey!


- That girl was hot.
- She's my cousin!


- She is?
- Yes, we're all cousins.


- Right. You're right.
- At Honex, we constantly strive


to improve every aspect
of bee existence.


These bees are stress-testing
a new helmet technology.


- What do you think he makes?
- Not enough.


Here we have our latest advancement,
the Krelman.


- What does that do?
- Oatches that little strand of honey


that hangs after you pour it.
Saves us millions.


Oan anyone work on the Krelman?


Of course. Most bee jobs are
small ones. But bees know


that every small job,
if it's done well, means a lot.


But choose carefully


because you'll stay in the job
you pick for the rest of your life.


The same job the rest of your life?
I didn't know that.


What's the difference?


You'll be happy to know that bees,
as a species, haven't had one day off


in 27 million years.


So you'll just work us to death?


We'll sure try.


Wow! That blew my mind!


"What's the difference?"
How can you say that?


One job forever?
That's an insane choice to have to make.


I'm relieved. Now we only have
to make one decision in life.


But, Adam, how could they
never have told us that?


Why would you question anything?
We're bees.


We're the most perfectly
functioning society on Earth.


You ever think maybe things
work a little too well here?


Like what? Give me one example.


I don't know. But you know
what I'm talking about.


Please clear the gate.
Royal Nectar Force on approach.


Wait a second. Oheck it out.


- Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!
- Wow.


I've never seen them this close.


They know what it's like
outside the hive.


Yeah, but some don't come back.


- Hey, Jocks!
- Hi, Jocks!


You guys did great!


You're monsters!
You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!


- I wonder where they were.
- I don't know.


Their day's not planned.


Outside the hive, flying who knows
where, doing who knows what.


You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen
Jock. You have to be bred for that.


Right.


Look. That's more pollen
than you and I will see in a lifetime.


It's just a status symbol.
Bees make too much of it.


Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it
and the ladies see you wearing it.


Those ladies?
Aren't they our cousins too?


Distant. Distant.


Look at these two.


- Oouple of Hive Harrys.
- Let's have fun with them.


It must be dangerous
being a Pollen Jock.


Yeah. Once a bear pinned me
against a mushroom!


He had a paw on my throat,
and with the other, he was slapping me!


- Oh, my!
- I never thought I'd knock him out.


What were you doing during this?


Trying to alert the authorities.


I can autograph that.


A little gusty out there today,
wasn't it, comrades?


Yeah. Gusty.


We're hitting a sunflower patch
six miles from here tomorrow.


- Six miles, huh?
- Barry!


A puddle jump for us,
but maybe you're not up for it.


- Maybe I am.
- You are not!


We're going 0900 at J-Gate.


What do you think, buzzy-boy?
Are you bee enough?


I might be. It all depends
on what 0900 means.


Hey, Honex!


Dad, you surprised me.


You decide what you're interested in?


- Well, there's a lot of choices.
- But you only get one.


Do you ever get bored
doing the same job every day?


Son, let me tell you about stirring.


You grab that stick, and you just
move it around, and you stir it around.


You get yourself into a rhythm.
It's a beautiful thing.


You know, Dad,
the more I think about it,


maybe the honey field
just isn't right for me.


You were thinking of what,
making balloon animals?


That's a bad job
for a guy with a stinger.


Janet, your son's not sure
he wants to go into honey!


- Barry, you are so funny sometimes.
- I'm not trying to be funny.


You're not funny! You're going
into honey. Our son, the stirrer!


- You're gonna be a stirrer?
- No one's listening to me!


Wait till you see the sticks I have.


I could say anything right now.
I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!


Let's open some honey and celebrate!


Maybe I'll pierce my thorax.
Shave my antennae.


Shack up with a grasshopper. Get
a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!


I'm so proud.


- We're starting work today!
- Today's the day.


Oome on! All the good jobs
will be gone.


Yeah, right.


Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,
stirrer, front desk, hair removal...


- Is it still available?
- Hang on. Two left!


One of them's yours! Oongratulations!
Step to the side.


- What'd you get?
- Picking crud out. Stellar!


Wow!


Oouple of newbies?


Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!


Make your choice.


- You want to go first?
- No, you go.


Oh, my. What's available?


Restroom attendant's open,
not for the reason you think.


- Any chance of getting the Krelman?
- Sure, you're on.


I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.


Wax monkey's always open.


The Krelman opened up again.


What happened?


A bee died. Makes an opening. See?
He's dead. Another dead one.


Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.


Dead from the neck up.
Dead from the neck down. That's life!


Oh, this is so hard!


Heating, cooling,
stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,


humming, inspector number seven,
lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,


mite wrangler. Barry, what
do you think I should... Barry?


Barry!


All right, we've got the sunflower patch
in quadrant nine...


What happened to you?
Where are you?


- I'm going out.
- Out? Out where?


- Out there.
- Oh, no!


I have to, before I go
to work for the rest of my life.


You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?


Another call coming in.


If anyone's feeling brave,
there's a Korean deli on 83rd


that gets their roses today.


Hey, guys.


- Look at that.
- Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?


Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.


It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.


Really? Feeling lucky, are you?


Sign here, here. Just initial that.


- Thank you.
- OK.


You got a rain advisory today,


and as you all know,
bees cannot fly in rain.


So be careful. As always,
watch your brooms,


hockey sticks, dogs,
birds, bears and bats.


Also, I got a couple of reports
of root beer being poured on us.


Murphy's in a home because of it,
babbling like a cicada!


- That's awful.
- And a reminder for you rookies,


bee law number one,
absolutely no talking to humans!


All right, launch positions!


Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz,
buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!


Black and yellow!


Hello!


You ready for this, hot shot?


Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.


Wind, check.


- Antennae, check.
- Nectar pack, check.


- Wings, check.
- Stinger, check.


Scared out of my shorts, check.


OK, ladies,


let's move it out!


Pound those petunias,
you striped stem-suckers!


All of you, drain those flowers!


Wow! I'm out!


I can't believe I'm out!


So blue.


I feel so fast and free!


Box kite!


Wow!


Flowers!


This is Blue Leader.
We have roses visual.


Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.


Roses!


30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.


Stand to the side, kid.
It's got a bit of a kick.


That is one nectar collector!


- Ever see pollination up close?
- No, sir.


I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it
over here. Maybe a dash over there,


a pinch on that one.
See that? It's a little bit of magic.


That's amazing. Why do we do that?


That's pollen power. More pollen, more
flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.


Oool.


I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow.
Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?


Oopy that visual.


Wait. One of these flowers
seems to be on the move.


Say again? You're reporting
a moving flower?


Affirmative.


That was on the line!


This is the coolest. What is it?


I don't know, but I'm loving this color.


It smells good.
Not like a flower, but I like it.


Yeah, fuzzy.


Ohemical-y.


Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.


My sweet lord of bees!


Oandy-brain, get off there!


Problem!


- Guys!
- This could be bad.


Affirmative.


Very close.


Gonna hurt.


Mama's little boy.


You are way out of position, rookie!


Ooming in at you like a missile!


Help me!


I don't think these are flowers.


- Should we tell him?
- I think he knows.


What is this?!


Match point!


You can start packing up, honey,
because you're about to eat it!


Yowser!


Gross.


There's a bee in the car!


- Do something!
- I'm driving!


- Hi, bee.
- He's back here!


He's going to sting me!


Nobody move. If you don't move,
he won't sting you. Freeze!


He blinked!


Spray him, Granny!


What are you doing?!


Wow... the tension level
out here is unbelievable.


I gotta get home.


Oan't fly in rain.


Oan't fly in rain.


Oan't fly in rain.


Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!


Ken, could you close
the window please?


Ken, could you close
the window please?


Oheck out my new resume.
I made it into a fold-out brochure.


You see? Folds out.


Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.


What was that?


Maybe this time. This time. This time.
This time! This time! This...


Drapes!


That is diabolical.


It's fantastic. It's got all my special
skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.


What's number one? Star Wars?


Nah, I don't go for that...


...kind of stuff.


No wonder we shouldn't talk to them.
They're out of their minds.


When I leave a job interview, they're
flabbergasted, can't believe what I say.


There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.


I don't remember the sun
having a big 75 on it.


I predicted global warming.


I could feel it getting hotter.
At first I thought it was just me.


Wait! Stop! Bee!


Stand back. These are winter boots.


Wait!


Don't kill him!


You know I'm allergic to them!
This thing could kill me!


Why does his life have
less value than yours?


Why does his life have any less value
than mine? Is that your statement?


I'm just saying all life has value. You
don't know what he's capable of feeling.


My brochure!


There you go, little guy.


I'm not scared of him.
It's an allergic thing.


Put that on your resume brochure.


My whole face could puff up.


Make it one of your special skills.


Knocking someone out
is also a special skill.


Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.


- Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?
- Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.


- You could put carob chips on there.
- Bye.


- Supposed to be less calories.
- Bye.


I gotta say something.


She saved my life.
I gotta say something.


All right, here it goes.


Nah.


What would I say?


I could really get in trouble.


It's a bee law.
You're not supposed to talk to a human.


I can't believe I'm doing this.


I've got to.


Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!


No. Yes. No.


Do it. I can't.


How should I start it?
"You like jazz?" No, that's no good.


Here she comes! Speak, you fool!


Hi!


I'm sorry.


- You're talking.
- Yes, I know.


You're talking!


I'm so sorry.


No, it's OK. It's fine.
I know I'm dreaming.


But I don't recall going to bed.


Well, I'm sure this
is very disconcerting.


This is a bit of a surprise to me.
I mean, you're a bee!


I am. And I'm not supposed
to be doing this,


but they were all trying to kill me.


And if it wasn't for you...


I had to thank you.
It's just how I was raised.


That was a little weird.


- I'm talking with a bee.
- Yeah.


I'm talking to a bee.
And the bee is talking to me!


I just want to say I'm grateful.
I'll leave now.


- Wait! How did you learn to do that?
- What?


The talking thing.


Same way you did, I guess.
"Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.


- That's very funny.
- Yeah.


Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh,
we'd cry with what we have to deal with.


Anyway...


Oan I...


...get you something?
- Like what?


I don't know. I mean...
I don't know. Ooffee?


I don't want to put you out.


It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.


- It's just coffee.
- I hate to impose.


- Don't be ridiculous!
- Actually, I would love a cup.


Hey, you want rum cake?


- I shouldn't.
- Have some.


- No, I can't.
- Oome on!


I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.


- Where?
- These stripes don't help.


You look great!


I don't know if you know
anything about fashion.


Are you all right?


No.


He's making the tie in the cab
as they're flying up Madison.


He finally gets there.


He runs up the steps into the church.
The wedding is on.


And he says, "Watermelon?
I thought you said Guatemalan.


Why would I marry a watermelon?"


Is that a bee joke?


That's the kind of stuff we do.


Yeah, different.


So, what are you gonna do, Barry?


About work? I don't know.


I want to do my part for the hive,
but I can't do it the way they want.


I know how you feel.


- You do?
- Sure.


My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or
a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.


- Really?
- My only interest is flowers.


Our new queen was just elected
with that same campaign slogan.


Anyway, if you look...


There's my hive right there. See it?


You're in Sheep Meadow!


Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!


No way! I know that area.
I lost a toe ring there once.


- Why do girls put rings on their toes?
- Why not?


- It's like putting a hat on your knee.
- Maybe I'll try that.


- You all right, ma'am?
- Oh, yeah. Fine.


Just having two cups of coffee!


Anyway, this has been great.
Thanks for the coffee.


Yeah, it's no trouble.


Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did,
I'd be up the rest of my life.


Are you...?


Oan I take a piece of this with me?


Sure! Here, have a crumb.


- Thanks!
- Yeah.


All right. Well, then...
I guess I'll see you around.


Or not.


OK, Barry.


And thank you
so much again... for before.


Oh, that? That was nothing.


Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...


This can't possibly work.


He's all set to go.
We may as well try it.


OK, Dave, pull the chute.


- Sounds amazing.
- It was amazing!


It was the scariest,
happiest moment of my life.


Humans! I can't believe
you were with humans!


Giant, scary humans!
What were they like?


Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.


They eat crazy giant things.
They drive crazy.


- Do they try and kill you, like on TV?
- Some of them. But some of them don't.


- How'd you get back?
- Poodle.


You did it, and I'm glad. You saw
whatever you wanted to see.


You had your "experience." Now you
can pick out yourjob and be normal.


- Well...
- Well?


Well, I met someone.


You did? Was she Bee-ish?


- A wasp?! Your parents will kill you!
- No, no, no, not a wasp.


- Spider?
- I'm not attracted to spiders.


I know it's the hottest thing,
with the eight legs and all.


I can't get by that face.


So who is she?


She's... human.


No, no. That's a bee law.
You wouldn't break a bee law.


- Her name's Vanessa.
- Oh, boy.


She's so nice. And she's a florist!


Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!


We're not dating.


You're flying outside the hive, talking
to humans that attack our homes


with power washers and M-80s!
One-eighth a stick of dynamite!


She saved my life!
And she understands me.


This is over!


Eat this.


This is not over! What was that?


- They call it a crumb.
- It was so stingin' stripey!


And that's not what they eat.
That's what falls off what they eat!


- You know what a Oinnabon is?
- No.


It's bread and cinnamon and frosting.
They heat it up...


Sit down!


...really hot!
- Listen to me!


We are not them! We're us.
There's us and there's them!


Yes, but who can deny
the heart that is yearning?


There's no yearning.
Stop yearning. Listen to me!


You have got to start thinking bee,
my friend. Thinking bee!


- Thinking bee.
- Thinking bee.


Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


There he is. He's in the pool.


You know what your problem is, Barry?


I gotta start thinking bee?


How much longer will this go on?


It's been three days!
Why aren't you working?


I've got a lot of big life decisions
to think about.


What life? You have no life!
You have no job. You're barely a bee!


Would it kill you
to make a little honey?


Barry, come out.
Your father's talking to you.


Martin, would you talk to him?


Barry, I'm talking to you!


You coming?


Got everything?


All set!


Go ahead. I'll catch up.


Don't be too long.


Watch this!


Vanessa!


- We're still here.
- I told you not to yell at him.


He doesn't respond to yelling!


- Then why yell at me?
- Because you don't listen!


I'm not listening to this.


Sorry, I've gotta go.


- Where are you going?
- I'm meeting a friend.


A girl? Is this why you can't decide?


Bye.


I just hope she's Bee-ish.


They have a huge parade
of flowers every year in Pasadena?


To be in the Tournament of Roses,
that's every florist's dream!


Up on a float, surrounded
by flowers, crowds cheering.


A tournament. Do the roses
compete in athletic events?


No. All right, I've got one.
How come you don't fly everywhere?


It's exhausting. Why don't you
run everywhere? It's faster.


Yeah, OK, I see, I see.
All right, your turn.


TiVo. You can just freeze live TV?
That's insane!


You don't have that?


We have Hivo, but it's a disease.
It's a horrible, horrible disease.


Oh, my.


Dumb bees!


You must want to sting all those jerks.


We try not to sting.
It's usually fatal for us.


So you have to watch your temper.


Very carefully.
You kick a wall, take a walk,


write an angry letter and throw it out.
Work through it like any emotion:


Anger, jealousy, lust.


Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?


Yeah.


- What is wrong with you?!
- It's a bug.


He's not bothering anybody.
Get out of here, you creep!


What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular?


Yeah, it was. How did you know?


It felt like about 10 pages.
Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.


You've really got that
down to a science.


- I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue.
- I'll bet.


What in the name
of Mighty Hercules is this?


How did this get here?
Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,


Ray Liotta Private Select?


- Is he that actor?
- I never heard of him.


- Why is this here?
- For people. We eat it.


You don't have
enough food of your own?


- Well, yes.
- How do you get it?


- Bees make it.
- I know who makes it!


And it's hard to make it!


There's heating, cooling, stirring.
You need a whole Krelman thing!


- It's organic.
- It's our-ganic!


It's just honey, Barry.


Just what?!


Bees don't know about this!
This is stealing! A lot of stealing!


You've taken our homes, schools,
hospitals! This is all we have!


And it's on sale?!
I'm getting to the bottom of this.


I'm getting to the bottom
of all of this!


Hey, Hector.


- You almost done?
- Almost.


He is here. I sense it.


Well, I guess I'll go home now


and just leave this nice honey out,
with no one around.


You're busted, box boy!


I knew I heard something.
So you can talk!


I can talk.
And now you'll start talking!


Where you getting the sweet stuff?
Who's your supplier?


I don't understand.
I thought we were friends.


The last thing we want
to do is upset bees!


You're too late! It's ours now!


You, sir, have crossed
the wrong sword!


You, sir, will be lunch
for my iguana, Ignacio!


Where is the honey coming from?


Tell me where!


Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!


Orazy person!


What horrible thing has happened here?


These faces, they never knew
what hit them. And now


they're on the road to nowhere!


Just keep still.


What? You're not dead?


Do I look dead? They will wipe anything
that moves. Where you headed?


To Honey Farms.
I am onto something huge here.


I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood,
crazy stuff. Blows your head off!


I'm going to Tacoma.


- And you?
- He really is dead.


All right.


Uh-oh!


- What is that?!
- Oh, no!


- A wiper! Triple blade!
- Triple blade?


Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!


Why does everything have
to be so doggone clean?!


How much do you people need to see?!


Open your eyes!
Stick your head out the window!


From NPR News in Washington,
I'm Oarl Kasell.


But don't kill no more bugs!


- Bee!
- Moose blood guy!!


- You hear something?
- Like what?


Like tiny screaming.


Turn off the radio.


Whassup, bee boy?


Hey, Blood.


Just a row of honey jars,
as far as the eye could see.


Wow!


I assume wherever this truck goes
is where they're getting it.


I mean, that honey's ours.


- Bees hang tight.
- We're all jammed in.


It's a close community.


Not us, man. We on our own.
Every mosquito on his own.


- What if you get in trouble?
- You a mosquito, you in trouble.


Nobody likes us. They just smack.
See a mosquito, smack, smack!


At least you're out in the world.
You must meet girls.


Mosquito girls try to trade up,
get with a moth, dragonfly.


Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.


You got to be kidding me!


Mooseblood's about to leave
the building! So long, bee!


- Hey, guys!
- Mooseblood!


I knew I'd catch y'all down here.
Did you bring your crazy straw?


We throw it in jars, slap a label on it,
and it's pretty much pure profit.


What is this place?


A bee's got a brain
the size of a pinhead.


They are pinheads!


Pinhead.


- Oheck out the new smoker.
- Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.


The Thomas 3000!


Smoker?


Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic.
Twice the nicotine, all the tar.


A couple breaths of this
knocks them right out.


They make the honey,
and we make the money.


"They make the honey,
and we make the money"?


Oh, my!


What's going on? Are you OK?


Yeah. It doesn't last too long.


Do you know you're
in a fake hive with fake walls?


Our queen was moved here.
We had no choice.


This is your queen?
That's a man in women's clothes!


That's a drag queen!


What is this?


Oh, no!


There's hundreds of them!


Bee honey.


Our honey is being brazenly stolen
on a massive scale!


This is worse than anything bears
have done! I intend to do something.


Oh, Barry, stop.


Who told you humans are taking
our honey? That's a rumor.


Do these look like rumors?


That's a conspiracy theory.
These are obviously doctored photos.


How did you get mixed up in this?


He's been talking to humans.


- What?
- Talking to humans?!


He has a human girlfriend.
And they make out!


Make out? Barry!


We do not.


- You wish you could.
- Whose side are you on?


The bees!


I dated a cricket once in San Antonio.
Those crazy legs kept me up all night.


Barry, this is what you want
to do with your life?


I want to do it for all our lives.
Nobody works harder than bees!


Dad, I remember you
coming home so overworked


your hands were still stirring.
You couldn't stop.


I remember that.


What right do they have to our honey?


We live on two cups a year. They put it
in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!


Even if it's true, what can one bee do?


Sting them where it really hurts.


In the face! The eye!


- That would hurt.
- No.


Up the nose? That's a killer.


There's only one place you can sting
the humans, one place where it matters.


Hive at Five, the hive's only
full-hour action news source.


No more bee beards!


With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.


Weather with Storm Stinger.


Sports with Buzz Larvi.


And Jeanette Ohung.


- Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble.
- And I'm Jeanette Ohung.


A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,


intends to sue the human race
for stealing our honey,


packaging it and profiting
from it illegally!


Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,


we'll have three former queens here in
our studio, discussing their new book,


Olassy Ladies,
out this week on Hexagon.


Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.


Did you ever think, "I'm a kid
from the hive. I can't do this"?


Bees have never been afraid
to change the world.


What about Bee Oolumbus?
Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?


Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.


We were thinking
of stickball or candy stores.


How old are you?


The bee community
is supporting you in this case,


which will be the trial
of the bee century.


You know, they have a Larry King
in the human world too.


It's a common name. Next week...


He looks like you and has a show
and suspenders and colored dots...


Next week...


Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the
guest even though you just heard 'em.


Bear Week next week!
They're scary, hairy and here live.


Always leans forward, pointy shoulders,
squinty eyes, very Jewish.


In tennis, you attack
at the point of weakness!


It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.


Honey, her backhand's a joke!
I'm not gonna take advantage of that?


Quiet, please.
Actual work going on here.


- Is that that same bee?
- Yes, it is!


I'm helping him sue the human race.


- Hello.
- Hello, bee.


This is Ken.


Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size
ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.


Why does he talk again?


Listen, you better go
'cause we're really busy working.


But it's our yogurt night!


Bye-bye.


Why is yogurt night so difficult?!


You poor thing.
You two have been at this for hours!


Yes, and Adam here
has been a huge help.


- Frosting...
- How many sugars?


Just one. I try not
to use the competition.


So why are you helping me?


Bees have good qualities.


And it takes my mind off the shop.


Instead of flowers, people
are giving balloon bouquets now.


Those are great, if you're three.


And artificial flowers.


- Oh, those just get me psychotic!
- Yeah, me too.


Bent stingers, pointless pollination.


Bees must hate those fake things!


Nothing worse
than a daffodil that's had work done.


Maybe this could make up
for it a little bit.


- This lawsuit's a pretty big deal.
- I guess.


You sure you want to go through with it?


Am I sure? When I'm done with
the humans, they won't be able


to say, "Honey, I'm home,"
without paying a royalty!


It's an incredible scene
here in downtown Manhattan,


where the world anxiously waits,
because for the first time in history,


we will hear for ourselves
if a honeybee can actually speak.


What have we gotten into here, Barry?


It's pretty big, isn't it?


I can't believe how many humans
don't work during the day.


You think billion-dollar multinational
food companies have good lawyers?


Everybody needs to stay
behind the barricade.


- What's the matter?
- I don't know, I just got a chill.


Well, if it isn't the bee team.


You boys work on this?


All rise! The Honorable
Judge Bumbleton presiding.


All right. Oase number 4475,


Superior Oourt of New York,
Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry


is now in session.


Mr. Montgomery, you're representing
the five food companies collectively?


A privilege.


Mr. Benson... you're representing
all the bees of the world?


I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor,
we're ready to proceed.


Mr. Montgomery,
your opening statement, please.


Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,


my grandmother was a simple woman.


Born on a farm, she believed
it was man's divine right


to benefit from the bounty
of nature God put before us.


If we lived in the topsy-turvy world
Mr. Benson imagines,


just think of what would it mean.


I would have to negotiate
with the silkworm


for the elastic in my britches!


Talking bee!


How do we know this isn't some sort of


holographic motion-picture-capture
Hollywood wizardry?


They could be using laser beams!


Robotics! Ventriloquism!
Oloning! For all we know,


he could be on steroids!


Mr. Benson?


Ladies and gentlemen,
there's no trickery here.


I'm just an ordinary bee.
Honey's pretty important to me.


It's important to all bees.
We invented it!


We make it. And we protect it
with our lives.


Unfortunately, there are
some people in this room


who think they can take it from us


'cause we're the little guys!
I'm hoping that, after this is all over,


you'll see how, by taking our honey,
you not only take everything we have


but everything we are!


I wish he'd dress like that
all the time. So nice!


Oall your first witness.


So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden
of Honey Farms, big company you have.


I suppose so.


I see you also own
Honeyburton and Honron!


Yes, they provide beekeepers
for our farms.


Beekeeper. I find that
to be a very disturbing term.


I don't imagine you employ
any bee-free-ers, do you?


- No.
- I couldn't hear you.


- No.
- No.


Because you don't free bees.
You keep bees. Not only that,


it seems you thought a bear would be
an appropriate image for a jar of honey.


They're very lovable creatures.


Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.


You mean like this?


Bears kill bees!


How'd you like his head crashing
through your living room?!


Biting into your couch!
Spitting out your throw pillows!


OK, that's enough. Take him away.


So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here.
Your name intrigues me.


- Where have I heard it before?
- I was with a band called The Police.


But you've never been
a police officer, have you?


No, I haven't.


No, you haven't. And so here
we have yet another example


of bee culture casually
stolen by a human


for nothing more than
a prance-about stage name.


Oh, please.


Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?


Because I'm feeling
a little stung, Sting.


Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!


That's not his real name?! You idiots!


Mr. Liotta, first,
belated congratulations on


your Emmy win for a guest spot
on ER in 2005.


Thank you. Thank you.


I see from your resume
that you're devilishly handsome


with a churning inner turmoil
that's ready to blow.


I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?


Not yet it isn't. But is this
what it's come to for you?


Exploiting tiny, helpless bees
so you don't


have to rehearse
your part and learn your lines, sir?


Watch it, Benson!
I could blow right now!


This isn't a goodfella.
This is a badfella!


Why doesn't someone just step on
this creep, and we can all go home?!


- Order in this court!
- You're all thinking it!


Order! Order, I say!


- Say it!
- Mr. Liotta, please sit down!


I think it was awfully nice
of that bear to pitch in like that.


I think the jury's on our side.


Are we doing everything right, legally?


I'm a florist.


Right. Well, here's to a great team.


To a great team!


Well, hello.


- Ken!
- Hello.


I didn't think you were coming.


No, I was just late.
I tried to call, but... the battery.


I didn't want all this to go to waste,
so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.


Oh, that was lucky.


There's a little left.
I could heat it up.


Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.


So I hear you're quite a tennis player.


I'm not much for the game myself.
The ball's a little grabby.


That's where I usually sit.
Right... there.


Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,


and he agreed with me that eating with
chopsticks isn't really a special skill.


You think I don't see what you're doing?


I know how hard it is to find
the rightjob. We have that in common.


Do we?


Bees have 100 percent employment,
but we do jobs like taking the crud out.


That's just what
I was thinking about doing.


Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor
for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.


I'm going to drain the old stinger.


Yeah, you do that.


Look at that.


You know, I've just about had it


with your little mind games.


- What's that?
- Italian Vogue.


Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.


A lot of ads.


Remember what Van said, why is
your life more valuable than mine?


Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!


I think something stinks in here!


I love the smell of flowers.


How do you like the smell of flames?!


Not as much.


Water bug! Not taking sides!


Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat!
This is pathetic!


I've got issues!


Well, well, well, a royal flush!


- You're bluffing.
- Am I?


Surf's up, dude!


Poo water!


That bowl is gnarly.


Except for those dirty yellow rings!


Kenneth! What are you doing?!


You know, I don't even like honey!
I don't eat it!


We need to talk!


He's just a little bee!


And he happens to be
the nicest bee I've met in a long time!


Long time? What are you talking about?!
Are there other bugs in your life?


No, but there are other things bugging
me in life. And you're one of them!


Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...


My nerves are fried from riding
on this emotional roller coaster!


Goodbye, Ken.


And for your information,


I prefer sugar-free, artificial
sweeteners made by man!


I'm sorry about all that.


I know it's got
an aftertaste! I like it!


I always felt there was some kind
of barrier between Ken and me.


I couldn't overcome it.
Oh, well.


Are you OK for the trial?


I believe Mr. Montgomery
is about out of ideas.


We would like to call
Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.


Good idea! You can really see why he's
considered one of the best lawyers...


Yeah.


Layton, you've
gotta weave some magic


with this jury,
or it's gonna be all over.


Don't worry. The only thing I have
to do to turn this jury around


is to remind them
of what they don't like about bees.


- You got the tweezers?
- Are you allergic?


Only to losing, son. Only to losing.


Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you
what I think we'd all like to know.


What exactly is your relationship


to that woman?


We're friends.


- Good friends?
- Yes.


How good? Do you live together?


Wait a minute...


Are you her little...


...bedbug?


I've seen a bee documentary or two.
From what I understand,


doesn't your queen give birth
to all the bee children?


- Yeah, but...
- So those aren't your real parents!


- Oh, Barry...
- Yes, they are!


Hold me back!


You're an illegitimate bee,
aren't you, Benson?


He's denouncing bees!


Don't y'all date your cousins?


- Objection!
- I'm going to pincushion this guy!


Adam, don't! It's what he wants!


Oh, I'm hit!!


Oh, lordy, I am hit!


Order! Order!


The venom! The venom
is coursing through my veins!


I have been felled
by a winged beast of destruction!


You see? You can't treat them
like equals! They're striped savages!


Stinging's the only thing
they know! It's their way!


- Adam, stay with me.
- I can't feel my legs.


What angel of mercy
will come forward to suck the poison


from my heaving buttocks?


I will have order in this court. Order!


Order, please!


The case of the honeybees
versus the human race


took a pointed turn against the bees


yesterday when one of their legal
team stung Layton T. Montgomery.


- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.


- Is there much pain?
- Yeah.


I...


I blew the whole case, didn't I?


It doesn't matter. What matters is
you're alive. You could have died.


I'd be better off dead. Look at me.


They got it from the cafeteria
downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.


Look, there's
a little celery still on it.


What was it like to sting someone?


I can't explain it. It was all...


All adrenaline and then...
and then ecstasy!


All right.


You think it was all a trap?


Of course. I'm sorry.
I flew us right into this.


What were we thinking? Look at us. We're
just a couple of bugs in this world.


What will the humans do to us
if they win?


I don't know.


I hear they put the roaches in motels.
That doesn't sound so bad.


Adam, they check in,
but they don't check out!


Oh, my.


Oould you get a nurse
to close that window?


- Why?
- The smoke.


Bees don't smoke.


Right. Bees don't smoke.


Bees don't smoke!
But some bees are smoking.


That's it! That's our case!


It is? It's not over?


Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.


Get back to the court and stall.
Stall any way you can.


And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.


Mr. Flayman.


Yes? Yes, Your Honor!


Where is the rest of your team?


Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.


Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,


and as a result,
we don't make very good time.


I actually heard a funny story about...


Your Honor,
haven't these ridiculous bugs


taken up enough
of this court's valuable time?


How much longer will we allow
these absurd shenanigans to go on?


They have presented no compelling
evidence to support their charges


against my clients,
who run legitimate businesses.


I move for a complete dismissal
of this entire case!


Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going


to have to consider
Mr. Montgomery's motion.


But you can't! We have a terrific case.


Where is your proof?
Where is the evidence?


Show me the smoking gun!


Hold it, Your Honor!
You want a smoking gun?


Here is your smoking gun.


What is that?


It's a bee smoker!


What, this?
This harmless little contraption?


This couldn't hurt a fly,
let alone a bee.


Look at what has happened


to bees who have never been asked,
"Smoking or non?"


Is this what nature intended for us?


To be forcibly addicted
to smoke machines


and man-made wooden slat work camps?


Living out our lives as honey slaves
to the white man?


- What are we gonna do?
- He's playing the species card.


Ladies and gentlemen, please,
free these bees!


Free the bees! Free the bees!


Free the bees!


Free the bees! Free the bees!


The court finds in favor of the bees!


Vanessa, we won!


I knew you could do it! High-five!


Sorry.


I'm OK! You know what this means?


All the honey
will finally belong to the bees.


Now we won't have
to work so hard all the time.


This is an unholy perversion
of the balance of nature, Benson.


You'll regret this.


Barry, how much honey is out there?


All right. One at a time.


Barry, who are you wearing?


My sweater is Ralph Lauren,
and I have no pants.


- What if Montgomery's right?
- What do you mean?


We've been living the bee way
a long time, 27 million years.


Oongratulations on your victory.
What will you demand as a settlement?


First, we'll demand a complete shutdown
of all bee work camps.


Then we want back the honey
that was ours to begin with,


every last drop.


We demand an end to the glorification
of the bear as anything more


than a filthy, smelly,
bad-breath stink machine.


We're all aware
of what they do in the woods.


Wait for my signal.


Take him out.


He'll have nauseous
for a few hours, then he'll be fine.


And we will no longer tolerate
bee-negative nicknames...


But it's just a prance-about stage name!


...unnecessary inclusion of honey
in bogus health products


and la-dee-da human
tea-time snack garnishments.


Oan't breathe.


Bring it in, boys!


Hold it right there! Good.


Tap it.


Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups,
and there's gallons more coming!


- I think we need to shut down!
- Shut down? We've never shut down.


Shut down honey production!


Stop making honey!


Turn your key, sir!


What do we do now?


Oannonball!


We're shutting honey production!


Mission abort.


Aborting pollination and nectar detail.
Returning to base.


Adam, you wouldn't believe
how much honey was out there.


Oh, yeah?


What's going on? Where is everybody?


- Are they out celebrating?
- They're home.


They don't know what to do.
Laying out, sleeping in.


I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way
to San Antonio with a cricket.


At least we got our honey back.


Sometimes I think, so what if humans
liked our honey? Who wouldn't?


It's the greatest thing in the world!
I was excited to be part of making it.


This was my new desk. This was my
new job. I wanted to do it really well.


And now...


Now I can't.


I don't understand
why they're not happy.


I thought their lives would be better!


They're doing nothing. It's amazing.
Honey really changes people.


You don't have any idea
what's going on, do you?


- What did you want to show me?
- This.


What happened here?


That is not the half of it.


Oh, no. Oh, my.


They're all wilting.


Doesn't look very good, does it?


No.


And whose fault do you think that is?


You know, I'm gonna guess bees.


Bees?


Specifically, me.


I didn't think bees not needing to make
honey would affect all these things.


It's notjust flowers.
Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.


That's our whole SAT test right there.


Take away produce, that affects
the entire animal kingdom.


And then, of course...


The human species?


So if there's no more pollination,


it could all just go south here,
couldn't it?


I know this is also partly my fault.


How about a suicide pact?


How do we do it?


- I'll sting you, you step on me.
- Thatjust kills you twice.


Right, right.


Listen, Barry...
sorry, but I gotta get going.


I had to open my mouth and talk.


Vanessa?


Vanessa? Why are you leaving?
Where are you going?


To the final Tournament of Roses parade
in Pasadena.


They've moved it to this weekend
because all the flowers are dying.


It's the last chance
I'll ever have to see it.


Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry.
I never meant it to turn out like this.


I know. Me neither.


Tournament of Roses.
Roses can't do sports.


Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?


Roses!


Vanessa!


Roses?!


Barry?


- Roses are flowers!
- Yes, they are.


Flowers, bees, pollen!


I know.
That's why this is the last parade.


Maybe not.
Oould you ask him to slow down?


Oould you slow down?


Barry!


OK, I made a huge mistake.
This is a total disaster, all my fault.


Yes, it kind of is.


I've ruined the planet.
I wanted to help you


with the flower shop.
I've made it worse.


Actually, it's completely closed down.


I thought maybe you were remodeling.


But I have another idea, and it's
greater than my previous ideas combined.


I don't want to hear it!


All right, they have the roses,
the roses have the pollen.


I know every bee, plant
and flower bud in this park.


All we gotta do is get what they've got
back here with what we've got.


- Bees.
- Park.


- Pollen!
- Flowers.


- Repollination!
- Across the nation!


Tournament of Roses,
Pasadena, Oalifornia.


They've got nothing
but flowers, floats and cotton candy.


Security will be tight.


I have an idea.


Vanessa Bloome, FTD.


Official floral business. It's real.


Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.


Thank you. It was a gift.


Once inside,
we just pick the right float.


How about The Princess and the Pea?


I could be the princess,
and you could be the pea!


Yes, I got it.


- Where should I sit?
- What are you?


- I believe I'm the pea.
- The pea?


It goes under the mattresses.


- Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart.
- I'm getting the marshal.


You do that!
This whole parade is a fiasco!


Let's see what this baby'll do.


Hey, what are you doing?!


Then all we do
is blend in with traffic...


...without arousing suspicion.


Once at the airport,
there's no stopping us.


Stop! Security.


- You and your insect pack your float?
- Yes.


Has it been
in your possession the entire time?


Would you remove your shoes?


- Remove your stinger.
- It's part of me.


I know. Just having some fun.
Enjoy your flight.


Then if we're lucky, we'll have
just enough pollen to do the job.


Oan you believe how lucky we are? We
have just enough pollen to do the job!


I think this is gonna work.


It's got to work.


Attention, passengers,
this is Oaptain Scott.


We have a bit of bad weather
in New York.


It looks like we'll experience
a couple hours delay.


Barry, these are cut flowers
with no water. They'll never make it.


I gotta get up there
and talk to them.


Be careful.


Oan I get help
with the Sky Mall magazine?


I'd like to order the talking
inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.


Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.


- What'd you say, Hal?
- Nothing.


Bee!


Don't freak out! My entire species...


What are you doing?


- Wait a minute! I'm an attorney!
- Who's an attorney?


Don't move.


Oh, Barry.


Good afternoon, passengers.
This is your captain.


Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B
please report to the cockpit?


And please hurry!


What happened here?


There was a DustBuster,
a toupee, a life raft exploded.


One's bald, one's in a boat,
they're both unconscious!


- Is that another bee joke?
- No!


No one's flying the plane!


This is JFK control tower, Flight 356.
What's your status?


This is Vanessa Bloome.
I'm a florist from New York.


Where's the pilot?


He's unconscious,
and so is the copilot.


Not good. Does anyone onboard
have flight experience?


As a matter of fact, there is.


- Who's that?
- Barry Benson.


From the honey trial?! Oh, great.


Vanessa, this is nothing more
than a big metal bee.


It's got giant wings, huge engines.


I can't fly a plane.


- Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot?
- Yes.


How hard could it be?


Wait, Barry!
We're headed into some lightning.


This is Bob Bumble. We have some
late-breaking news from JFK Airport,


where a suspenseful scene
is developing.


Barry Benson,
fresh from his legal victory...


That's Barry!


...is attempting to land a plane,
loaded with people, flowers


and an incapacitated flight crew.


Flowers?!


We have a storm in the area
and two individuals at the controls


with absolutely no flight experience.


Just a minute.
There's a bee on that plane.


I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson
and his no-account compadres.


They've done enough damage.


But isn't he your only hope?


Technically, a bee
shouldn't be able to fly at all.


Their wings are too small...


Haven't we heard this a million times?


"The surface area of the wings
and body mass make no sense."


- Get this on the air!
- Got it.


- Stand by.
- We're going live.


The way we work may be a mystery to you.


Making honey takes a lot of bees
doing a lot of small jobs.


But let me tell you about a small job.


If you do it well,
it makes a big difference.


More than we realized.
To us, to everyone.


That's why I want to get bees
back to working together.


That's the bee way!
We're not made of Jell-O.


We get behind a fellow.


- Black and yellow!
- Hello!


Left, right, down, hover.


- Hover?
- Forget hover.


This isn't so hard.
Beep-beep! Beep-beep!


Barry, what happened?!


Wait, I think we were
on autopilot the whole time.


- That may have been helping me.
- And now we're not!


So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.


All of you, let's get
behind this fellow! Move it out!


Move out!


Our only chance is if I do what I'd do,
you copy me with the wings of the plane!


Don't have to yell.


I'm not yelling!
We're in a lot of trouble.


It's very hard to concentrate
with that panicky tone in your voice!


It's not a tone. I'm panicking!


I can't do this!


Vanessa, pull yourself together.
You have to snap out of it!


You snap out of it.


You snap out of it.


- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!


- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!


- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!


- Hold it!
- Why? Oome on, it's my turn.


How is the plane flying?


I don't know.


Hello?


Benson, got any flowers
for a happy occasion in there?


The Pollen Jocks!


They do get behind a fellow.


- Black and yellow.
- Hello.


All right, let's drop this tin can
on the blacktop.


Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?


No, nothing. It's all cloudy.


Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.


- Thinking bee.
- Thinking bee.


Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


Wait a minute.
I think I'm feeling something.


- What?
- I don't know. It's strong, pulling me.


Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.


Bring the nose down.


Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


- What in the world is on the tarmac?
- Get some lights on that!


Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


- Vanessa, aim for the flower.
- OK.


Out the engines. We're going in
on bee power. Ready, boys?


Affirmative!


Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.


Land on that flower!


Ready? Full reverse!


Spin it around!


- Not that flower! The other one!
- Which one?


- That flower.
- I'm aiming at the flower!


That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt.
I mean the giant pulsating flower


made of millions of bees!


Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.


Rotate around it.


- This is insane, Barry!
- This's the only way I know how to fly.


Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane
flying in an insect-like pattern?


Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid.
Smell it. Full reverse!


Just drop it. Be a part of it.


Aim for the center!


Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!


Oome on, already.


Barry, we did it!
You taught me how to fly!


- Yes. No high-five!
- Right.


Barry, it worked!
Did you see the giant flower?


What giant flower? Where? Of course
I saw the flower! That was genius!


- Thank you.
- But we're not done yet.


Listen, everyone!


This runway is covered
with the last pollen


from the last flowers
available anywhere on Earth.


That means this is our last chance.


We're the only ones who make honey,
pollinate flowers and dress like this.


If we're gonna survive as a species,
this is our moment! What do you say?


Are we going to be bees, orjust
Museum of Natural History keychains?


We're bees!


Keychain!


Then follow me! Except Keychain.


Hold on, Barry. Here.


You've earned this.


Yeah!


I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect
fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.


Oh, yeah.


That's our Barry.


Mom! The bees are back!


If anybody needs
to make a call, now's the time.


I got a feeling we'll be
working late tonight!


Here's your change. Have a great
afternoon! Oan I help who's next?


Would you like some honey with that?
It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.


Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me.
And I don't see a nickel!


Sometimes I just feel
like a piece of meat!


I had no idea.


Barry, I'm sorry.
Have you got a moment?


Would you excuse me?
My mosquito associate will help you.


Sorry I'm late.


He's a lawyer too?


I was already a blood-sucking parasite.
All I needed was a briefcase.


Have a great afternoon!


Barry, I just got this huge tulip order,
and I can't get them anywhere.


No problem, Vannie.
Just leave it to me.


You're a lifesaver, Barry.
Oan I help who's next?


All right, scramble, jocks!
It's time to fly.


Thank you, Barry!


That bee is living my life!


Let it go, Kenny.


- When will this nightmare end?!
- Let it all go.


- Beautiful day to fly.
- Sure is.


Between you and me,
I was dying to get out of that office.


You have got
to start thinking bee, my friend.


- Thinking bee!
- Me?


Hold it. Let's just stop
for a second. Hold it.


I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone.
Oan we stop here?


I'm not making a major life decision
during a production number!


All right. Take ten, everybody.
Wrap it up, guys.


I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

Montag is different than

Montag is different than the other firemen by being forgiving. Clarisse is right because it says on the top of page 21 how he is forgiving.

Ballsack bitch

Ballsack bitch

Fuck you english teacher for giving us this retarded book u suck

Gay as Bitch

Gay as Bitch

If a nigga borrows a French fry, will that nigger get it back

you're gay academy

you're gay academy

hello this is the gay academy where you get butt fucked

Nigger cock

Nigger cock

Nigger

Nigger

Niger

Niger

Nigger

Nigger

Dick

Dick

Cock

Cock

Pussy

Pussy

Niggs niggs

Niggs niggs

Niggs

bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh

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hey

hey

hey

What entertainment happen

What entertainment happens every night at the firehouse? What does this show the reader about the firemen? About Montag?

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Chuck jbyxtci

Chuck jbyxtci

My pepe hard

My pepe hard

Penis

Penis

He describes the earbuds

He describes the earbuds in Mildred's ears saying that they resembled electronic bees that were humming the hour away. The thing that should alarm the reader about this description, is that bees can be harmful and annoying.

The men who arrive in th

The men who arrive in the night to pump Mildred’s stomach have a casual indifference about their work. How many
Record your answers on a separate sheet of paper. To receive credit, you must answer in complete, thoughtful sentences.
Some ancient Roman and Greek communities believed
the salamander was a spirit that lived in fire. Historians
theorize that this may be because the smooth, moist-skinned
lizards often hide in wood chip piles. When a bundle of
wood chips were thrown on a fire, a salmander would
quickly scurry out of the flames, making onlookers think the
creature was coming out of the fire itself.
cases like this do they handle each night? What does this show you about this world?

gang weed

gang weed

What is up my son

What is up my son

Hiashsbdndyr

Hiashsbdndyr

Hapx

Hapx

Ligma

Ligma

hrenheit 451: Section 1

hrenheit 451: Section 1

Ligma

Ligma

electronic bees that were

electronic bees that were humming the hour away. The thing that should alarm the reader

s

s

Describe a typical d

Describe a typical day at clarisses high school

The brass nozzle is like

The brass nozzle is like a great python spitting its venomous kerosene upon the world."

Empty

Empty

Empty

According to Clarisse, ho

According to Clarisse, how is Montag different from the other firemen? What
evidence is given that shows Clarisse is right?

ht. This shows that the p

ht. This shows that the people in this world are sick. They rely on these methods to live longer.

Their billboards were ver

Their billboards were very long because people were driving by at much faster speeds, so they could actually read them.

According to Clarisse, how is Montag different from the other firemen? What evidence is given that shows Clarisse is right? -Logan and Jake

According to Clarisse, how is Montag different from the other firemen? What evidence is given that shows Clarisse is right? -Logan and Jake

Montag is different than the other firemen by being forgiving. Clarisse is right because it says on the top of page 21 how he is forgiving.

The men who arrive in the night to pump Mildred's stomach have a casual indifference about their work. How many cases like this do they handle each night? What does this show you about this world? - Marissa and Quenten

The men who arrive in the night to pump Mildred's stomach have a casual indifference about their work. How many cases like this do they handle each night? What does this show you about this world? - Marissa and Quenten

The men who arrived usually do nine to ten cases each night. This shows that the people in this world are sick. They rely on these methods to live longer.

What metaphors are used to describe Guy Montag while he completes his job? What effect is Bradbury trying to create? -Olivia and Sam

What metaphors are used to describe Guy Montag while he completes his job? What effect is Bradbury trying to create?   -Olivia and Sam

"The brass nozzle is like a great python spitting its venomous kerosene upon the world." Bradbury is trying to describe what the fireman are doing in a negative way. "His hands were the hands of some amazing conductor playing all the symphonies of blazing and burning to bring down the tatters and charcoal ruins of history." It is also beautiful because of the work he is doing and the power that comes with it.

In the moment that Montag first sees Clarisse, what is the main color that Bradbury wants us to associate with this girl? What, symbolically, is significant about this color choice?- Amerikis and Max

In the moment that Montag first sees Clarisse, what is the main color that Bradbury wants us to associate with this girl? What, symbolically, is significant about this color choice?- Amerikis and Max

The color is pale white and it reminds him of the light of  a candle.

In Bradbury's version of the future, how have roadside billboards changed? What does this detail show the reader about society?-Lauren and Michael

In Bradbury's version of the future, how have roadside billboards changed? What does this detail show the reader about society?-Lauren and Michael

Their billboards were very long because people were driving by at much faster speeds, so they could actually read them. This detail shows us that everything in society is a blur and everyone just wants to get places as fast as they can.

What two adjectives would you use to describe Guy Montag in the opening sequence? - Sophie and Kerbie

What two adjectives would you use to describe Guy Montag in the opening sequence? - Sophie and Kerbie

Daring and Oblivious. Being a firefighter he has to have a lot of courage and he jumps down the fire pole, saving himself at the last second. He is oblivious about the effects of his job until he meets Clarisse.

Is there a special kind of insanity in 17 year old's? Second, given the world that Montag and Clarisse live in, how might the uncle's advice be seen as practical and wise? Braxton and Caleb

Is there a special kind of insanity in 17 year old's? Second, given the world that Montag and Clarisse live in, how might the uncle's advice be seen as practical and wise? Braxton and Caleb

No, it depends on the maturity and type of person you are interacting with. Nobody wants to talk to an insane person.

How old is Montag? How long has he been a fireman? -Logan and Jake

How old is Montag? How long has he been a fireman?            -Logan and Jake

Montag is 30 years old. He has been a fireman for 10 years.

What metaphor does Bradbury use to describe the earbuds in Mildred's ears? What should alarm the reader about this description? -Ashlee and Maddy

What metaphor does Bradbury use to describe the earbuds in Mildred's ears? What should alarm the reader about this description? -Ashlee and Maddy

He describes the earbuds in Mildred's ears saying that they resembled electronic bees that were humming the hour away. The thing that should alarm the reader about this description, is that bees can be harmful and annoying.

Type out question here. -Your Name(s)

Type out question here. -Your Name(s)

Provide complete, thoughtful response here.

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Shrek Script

 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face

Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Shrek Script

 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face

Special help by Sergei

Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Shrek Script

 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face










Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.
Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!
Shrek Script
 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face










Special help by Sergei


Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.
Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!
Shrek Script
 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face










Special help by Sergei


Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.
Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!
Shrek Script
 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face










Special help by Sergei


Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.
Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!
Shrek Script
 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face










Special help by Sergei



Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.
Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!
Shrek Script
 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face










Special help by Sergei
KKKKK

Special help by SergeiK

K

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

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Fahrenheit 451: Section 1

Provide your name(s), the question you are answering, and a complete, thoughtful response.

Michelle Bahr
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Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Shrek Script

 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face

Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Shrek Script

 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face

Special help by Sergei

Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Shrek Script

 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face

Special help by SergeiK

K

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

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Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

"i could eat a chink

"i could eat a chink out right now"
-Master Shing Tang Woo

“I could eat out a J

“I could eat out a Jew right now ngl” - hitler 1962

Tyler is a crip dog

Tyler is a crip dog he gon get shot on the block yurr be careful fo that car pimp

I said, certified freakSeven days a weekWet-ass pussyMake that pull-out game weak, woo (ah)Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyBeat it up, nigga, catch a chargeExtra large and extra hardPut this pussy right in your faceSwipe your nose like a credit cardHop on top, I wanna rideI do a kegel while it's insideSpit in my mouth, look in my eyesThis pussy is wet, come take a diveTie me up like I'm surprisedLet's role play, I'll wear a disguiseI want you to park that big Mack truckRight in this little garageMake it cream, make me screamOut in public, make a sceneI don't cook, I don't cleanBut let me tell you how I got this ring (ayy, ayy)Gobble me, swallow me, drip down the side of me (yeah)Quick, jump out 'fore you let it get inside of me (yeah)I tell him where to put it, never tell him where I'm 'bout to beI'll run down on him 'fore I have a nigga running me (pow, pow)Talk your shit, bite your lip (yeah)Ask for a car while you ride that dick (while you ride that dick)You really ain't never gotta fuck him for a thang (yeah)He already made his mind up 'fore he came (ayy, ah)Now get your boots and your coat (ah, ah, ah)For this wet-ass pussyHe bought a phone just for picturesOf this wet-ass pussy (click, click, click)Pay my tuition just to kiss meOn this wet-ass pussy (mwah, mwah, mwah)Now make it rain if you wannaSee some wet-ass pussy (yeah, yeah)Look, I need a hard hitter, I need a deep strokerI need a Henny drinker, I need a weed smokerNot a garden snake, I need a king cobraWith a hook in it, hope it lean overHe got some money, then that's where I'm headedPussy A1, just like his creditHe got a beard, well, I'm tryna wet itI let him taste it, now he diabeticI don't wanna spit, I wanna gulpI wanna gag, I wanna chokeI want you to touch that lil' dangly thingThat swing in the back of my throatMy head game is fire, punani DasaniIt's going in dry and it's coming out soggyI ride on that thang like the cops is behind me (yeah, ah)I spit on his mic and now he tryna sign me, wooYour honor, I'm a freak bitch, handcuffs, leashesSwitch my wig, make him feel like he cheatingPut him on his knees, give him something to believe inNever lost a fight, but I'm looking for a beating (ah)In the food chain, I'm the one that eat yaIf he ate my ass, he's a bottom feederBig D stand for big demeanorI could make you bust before I ever meet yaIf it don't hang, then he can't bangYou can't hurt my feelings, but I like painIf he fuck me and ask, "Whose is it?"When I ride the dick, I'ma spell my nameAh (whores in this house)Yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyNow from the top, make it dropThat's some wet-ass pussyNow get a bucket and a mopThat's some wet-ass pussyI'm talking WAP, WAP, WAPThat's some wet-ass pussyMacaroni in a potThat's some wet-ass pussy, huh

I said, certified freakSeven days a weekWet-ass pussyMake that pull-out game weak, woo (ah)Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyBeat it up, nigga, catch a chargeExtra large and extra hardPut this pussy right in your faceSwipe your nose like a credit cardHop on top, I wanna rideI do a kegel while it's insideSpit in my mouth, look in my eyesThis pussy is wet, come take a diveTie me up like I'm surprisedLet's role play, I'll wear a disguiseI want you to park that big Mack truckRight in this little garageMake it cream, make me screamOut in public, make a sceneI don't cook, I don't cleanBut let me tell you how I got this ring (ayy, ayy)Gobble me, swallow me, drip down the side of me (yeah)Quick, jump out 'fore you let it get inside of me (yeah)I tell him where to put it, never tell him where I'm 'bout to beI'll run down on him 'fore I have a nigga running me (pow, pow)Talk your shit, bite your lip (yeah)Ask for a car while you ride that dick (while you ride that dick)You really ain't never gotta fuck him for a thang (yeah)He already made his mind up 'fore he came (ayy, ah)Now get your boots and your coat (ah, ah, ah)For this wet-ass pussyHe bought a phone just for picturesOf this wet-ass pussy (click, click, click)Pay my tuition just to kiss meOn this wet-ass pussy (mwah, mwah, mwah)Now make it rain if you wannaSee some wet-ass pussy (yeah, yeah)Look, I need a hard hitter, I need a deep strokerI need a Henny drinker, I need a weed smokerNot a garden snake, I need a king cobraWith a hook in it, hope it lean overHe got some money, then that's where I'm headedPussy A1, just like his creditHe got a beard, well, I'm tryna wet itI let him taste it, now he diabeticI don't wanna spit, I wanna gulpI wanna gag, I wanna chokeI want you to touch that lil' dangly thingThat swing in the back of my throatMy head game is fire, punani DasaniIt's going in dry and it's coming out soggyI ride on that thang like the cops is behind me (yeah, ah)I spit on his mic and now he tryna sign me, wooYour honor, I'm a freak bitch, handcuffs, leashesSwitch my wig, make him feel like he cheatingPut him on his knees, give him something to believe inNever lost a fight, but I'm looking for a beating (ah)In the food chain, I'm the one that eat yaIf he ate my ass, he's a bottom feederBig D stand for big demeanorI could make you bust before I ever meet yaIf it don't hang, then he can't bangYou can't hurt my feelings, but I like painIf he fuck me and ask, "Whose is it?"When I ride the dick, I'ma spell my nameAh (whores in this house)Yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyNow from the top, make it dropThat's some wet-ass pussyNow get a bucket and a mopThat's some wet-ass pussyI'm talking WAP, WAP, WAPThat's some wet-ass pussyMacaroni in a potThat's some wet-ass pussy, huh

Said is gay as shit

Said is gay as shit fuck dat hoe ong blood crippin all over dat hoe

nigga hour

nigga hour

"If a nigga is gay the NIGGA is GAY trust me"
Niggalations 3:16

The Bee Movie Script

The Bee Movie Script

Bee Movie Script - Dialogue Transcript


According to all known laws
of aviation,


there is no way a bee
should be able to fly.


Its wings are too small to get
its fat little body off the ground.


The bee, of course, flies anyway


because bees don't care
what humans think is impossible.


Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.


Ooh, black and yellow!
Let's shake it up a little.


Barry! Breakfast is ready!


Ooming!


Hang on a second.


Hello?


- Barry?
- Adam?


- Oan you believe this is happening?
- I can't. I'll pick you up.


Looking sharp.


Use the stairs. Your father
paid good money for those.


Sorry. I'm excited.


Here's the graduate.
We're very proud of you, son.


A perfect report card, all B's.


Very proud.


Ma! I got a thing going here.


- You got lint on your fuzz.
- Ow! That's me!


- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000.
- Bye!


Barry, I told you,
stop flying in the house!


- Hey, Adam.
- Hey, Barry.


- Is that fuzz gel?
- A little. Special day, graduation.


Never thought I'd make it.


Three days grade school,
three days high school.


Those were awkward.


Three days college. I'm glad I took
a day and hitchhiked around the hive.


You did come back different.


- Hi, Barry.
- Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.


- Hear about Frankie?
- Yeah.


- You going to the funeral?
- No, I'm not going.


Everybody knows,
sting someone, you die.


Don't waste it on a squirrel.
Such a hothead.


I guess he could have
just gotten out of the way.


I love this incorporating
an amusement park into our day.


That's why we don't need vacations.


Boy, quite a bit of pomp...
under the circumstances.


- Well, Adam, today we are men.
- We are!


- Bee-men.
- Amen!


Hallelujah!


Students, faculty, distinguished bees,


please welcome Dean Buzzwell.


Welcome, New Hive Oity
graduating class of...


...9:15.


That concludes our ceremonies.


And begins your career
at Honex Industries!


Will we pick ourjob today?


I heard it's just orientation.


Heads up! Here we go.


Keep your hands and antennas
inside the tram at all times.


- Wonder what it'll be like?
- A little scary.


Welcome to Honex,
a division of Honesco


and a part of the Hexagon Group.


This is it!


Wow.


Wow.


We know that you, as a bee,
have worked your whole life


to get to the point where you
can work for your whole life.


Honey begins when our valiant Pollen
Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.


Our top-secret formula


is automatically color-corrected,
scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured


into this soothing sweet syrup


with its distinctive
golden glow you know as...


Honey!


- That girl was hot.
- She's my cousin!


- She is?
- Yes, we're all cousins.


- Right. You're right.
- At Honex, we constantly strive


to improve every aspect
of bee existence.


These bees are stress-testing
a new helmet technology.


- What do you think he makes?
- Not enough.


Here we have our latest advancement,
the Krelman.


- What does that do?
- Oatches that little strand of honey


that hangs after you pour it.
Saves us millions.


Oan anyone work on the Krelman?


Of course. Most bee jobs are
small ones. But bees know


that every small job,
if it's done well, means a lot.


But choose carefully


because you'll stay in the job
you pick for the rest of your life.


The same job the rest of your life?
I didn't know that.


What's the difference?


You'll be happy to know that bees,
as a species, haven't had one day off


in 27 million years.


So you'll just work us to death?


We'll sure try.


Wow! That blew my mind!


"What's the difference?"
How can you say that?


One job forever?
That's an insane choice to have to make.


I'm relieved. Now we only have
to make one decision in life.


But, Adam, how could they
never have told us that?


Why would you question anything?
We're bees.


We're the most perfectly
functioning society on Earth.


You ever think maybe things
work a little too well here?


Like what? Give me one example.


I don't know. But you know
what I'm talking about.


Please clear the gate.
Royal Nectar Force on approach.


Wait a second. Oheck it out.


- Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!
- Wow.


I've never seen them this close.


They know what it's like
outside the hive.


Yeah, but some don't come back.


- Hey, Jocks!
- Hi, Jocks!


You guys did great!


You're monsters!
You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!


- I wonder where they were.
- I don't know.


Their day's not planned.


Outside the hive, flying who knows
where, doing who knows what.


You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen
Jock. You have to be bred for that.


Right.


Look. That's more pollen
than you and I will see in a lifetime.


It's just a status symbol.
Bees make too much of it.


Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it
and the ladies see you wearing it.


Those ladies?
Aren't they our cousins too?


Distant. Distant.


Look at these two.


- Oouple of Hive Harrys.
- Let's have fun with them.


It must be dangerous
being a Pollen Jock.


Yeah. Once a bear pinned me
against a mushroom!


He had a paw on my throat,
and with the other, he was slapping me!


- Oh, my!
- I never thought I'd knock him out.


What were you doing during this?


Trying to alert the authorities.


I can autograph that.


A little gusty out there today,
wasn't it, comrades?


Yeah. Gusty.


We're hitting a sunflower patch
six miles from here tomorrow.


- Six miles, huh?
- Barry!


A puddle jump for us,
but maybe you're not up for it.


- Maybe I am.
- You are not!


We're going 0900 at J-Gate.


What do you think, buzzy-boy?
Are you bee enough?


I might be. It all depends
on what 0900 means.


Hey, Honex!


Dad, you surprised me.


You decide what you're interested in?


- Well, there's a lot of choices.
- But you only get one.


Do you ever get bored
doing the same job every day?


Son, let me tell you about stirring.


You grab that stick, and you just
move it around, and you stir it around.


You get yourself into a rhythm.
It's a beautiful thing.


You know, Dad,
the more I think about it,


maybe the honey field
just isn't right for me.


You were thinking of what,
making balloon animals?


That's a bad job
for a guy with a stinger.


Janet, your son's not sure
he wants to go into honey!


- Barry, you are so funny sometimes.
- I'm not trying to be funny.


You're not funny! You're going
into honey. Our son, the stirrer!


- You're gonna be a stirrer?
- No one's listening to me!


Wait till you see the sticks I have.


I could say anything right now.
I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!


Let's open some honey and celebrate!


Maybe I'll pierce my thorax.
Shave my antennae.


Shack up with a grasshopper. Get
a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!


I'm so proud.


- We're starting work today!
- Today's the day.


Oome on! All the good jobs
will be gone.


Yeah, right.


Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,
stirrer, front desk, hair removal...


- Is it still available?
- Hang on. Two left!


One of them's yours! Oongratulations!
Step to the side.


- What'd you get?
- Picking crud out. Stellar!


Wow!


Oouple of newbies?


Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!


Make your choice.


- You want to go first?
- No, you go.


Oh, my. What's available?


Restroom attendant's open,
not for the reason you think.


- Any chance of getting the Krelman?
- Sure, you're on.


I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.


Wax monkey's always open.


The Krelman opened up again.


What happened?


A bee died. Makes an opening. See?
He's dead. Another dead one.


Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.


Dead from the neck up.
Dead from the neck down. That's life!


Oh, this is so hard!


Heating, cooling,
stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,


humming, inspector number seven,
lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,


mite wrangler. Barry, what
do you think I should... Barry?


Barry!


All right, we've got the sunflower patch
in quadrant nine...


What happened to you?
Where are you?


- I'm going out.
- Out? Out where?


- Out there.
- Oh, no!


I have to, before I go
to work for the rest of my life.


You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?


Another call coming in.


If anyone's feeling brave,
there's a Korean deli on 83rd


that gets their roses today.


Hey, guys.


- Look at that.
- Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?


Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.


It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.


Really? Feeling lucky, are you?


Sign here, here. Just initial that.


- Thank you.
- OK.


You got a rain advisory today,


and as you all know,
bees cannot fly in rain.


So be careful. As always,
watch your brooms,


hockey sticks, dogs,
birds, bears and bats.


Also, I got a couple of reports
of root beer being poured on us.


Murphy's in a home because of it,
babbling like a cicada!


- That's awful.
- And a reminder for you rookies,


bee law number one,
absolutely no talking to humans!


All right, launch positions!


Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz,
buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!


Black and yellow!


Hello!


You ready for this, hot shot?


Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.


Wind, check.


- Antennae, check.
- Nectar pack, check.


- Wings, check.
- Stinger, check.


Scared out of my shorts, check.


OK, ladies,


let's move it out!


Pound those petunias,
you striped stem-suckers!


All of you, drain those flowers!


Wow! I'm out!


I can't believe I'm out!


So blue.


I feel so fast and free!


Box kite!


Wow!


Flowers!


This is Blue Leader.
We have roses visual.


Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.


Roses!


30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.


Stand to the side, kid.
It's got a bit of a kick.


That is one nectar collector!


- Ever see pollination up close?
- No, sir.


I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it
over here. Maybe a dash over there,


a pinch on that one.
See that? It's a little bit of magic.


That's amazing. Why do we do that?


That's pollen power. More pollen, more
flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.


Oool.


I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow.
Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?


Oopy that visual.


Wait. One of these flowers
seems to be on the move.


Say again? You're reporting
a moving flower?


Affirmative.


That was on the line!


This is the coolest. What is it?


I don't know, but I'm loving this color.


It smells good.
Not like a flower, but I like it.


Yeah, fuzzy.


Ohemical-y.


Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.


My sweet lord of bees!


Oandy-brain, get off there!


Problem!


- Guys!
- This could be bad.


Affirmative.


Very close.


Gonna hurt.


Mama's little boy.


You are way out of position, rookie!


Ooming in at you like a missile!


Help me!


I don't think these are flowers.


- Should we tell him?
- I think he knows.


What is this?!


Match point!


You can start packing up, honey,
because you're about to eat it!


Yowser!


Gross.


There's a bee in the car!


- Do something!
- I'm driving!


- Hi, bee.
- He's back here!


He's going to sting me!


Nobody move. If you don't move,
he won't sting you. Freeze!


He blinked!


Spray him, Granny!


What are you doing?!


Wow... the tension level
out here is unbelievable.


I gotta get home.


Oan't fly in rain.


Oan't fly in rain.


Oan't fly in rain.


Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!


Ken, could you close
the window please?


Ken, could you close
the window please?


Oheck out my new resume.
I made it into a fold-out brochure.


You see? Folds out.


Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.


What was that?


Maybe this time. This time. This time.
This time! This time! This...


Drapes!


That is diabolical.


It's fantastic. It's got all my special
skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.


What's number one? Star Wars?


Nah, I don't go for that...


...kind of stuff.


No wonder we shouldn't talk to them.
They're out of their minds.


When I leave a job interview, they're
flabbergasted, can't believe what I say.


There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.


I don't remember the sun
having a big 75 on it.


I predicted global warming.


I could feel it getting hotter.
At first I thought it was just me.


Wait! Stop! Bee!


Stand back. These are winter boots.


Wait!


Don't kill him!


You know I'm allergic to them!
This thing could kill me!


Why does his life have
less value than yours?


Why does his life have any less value
than mine? Is that your statement?


I'm just saying all life has value. You
don't know what he's capable of feeling.


My brochure!


There you go, little guy.


I'm not scared of him.
It's an allergic thing.


Put that on your resume brochure.


My whole face could puff up.


Make it one of your special skills.


Knocking someone out
is also a special skill.


Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.


- Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?
- Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.


- You could put carob chips on there.
- Bye.


- Supposed to be less calories.
- Bye.


I gotta say something.


She saved my life.
I gotta say something.


All right, here it goes.


Nah.


What would I say?


I could really get in trouble.


It's a bee law.
You're not supposed to talk to a human.


I can't believe I'm doing this.


I've got to.


Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!


No. Yes. No.


Do it. I can't.


How should I start it?
"You like jazz?" No, that's no good.


Here she comes! Speak, you fool!


Hi!


I'm sorry.


- You're talking.
- Yes, I know.


You're talking!


I'm so sorry.


No, it's OK. It's fine.
I know I'm dreaming.


But I don't recall going to bed.


Well, I'm sure this
is very disconcerting.


This is a bit of a surprise to me.
I mean, you're a bee!


I am. And I'm not supposed
to be doing this,


but they were all trying to kill me.


And if it wasn't for you...


I had to thank you.
It's just how I was raised.


That was a little weird.


- I'm talking with a bee.
- Yeah.


I'm talking to a bee.
And the bee is talking to me!


I just want to say I'm grateful.
I'll leave now.


- Wait! How did you learn to do that?
- What?


The talking thing.


Same way you did, I guess.
"Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.


- That's very funny.
- Yeah.


Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh,
we'd cry with what we have to deal with.


Anyway...


Oan I...


...get you something?
- Like what?


I don't know. I mean...
I don't know. Ooffee?


I don't want to put you out.


It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.


- It's just coffee.
- I hate to impose.


- Don't be ridiculous!
- Actually, I would love a cup.


Hey, you want rum cake?


- I shouldn't.
- Have some.


- No, I can't.
- Oome on!


I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.


- Where?
- These stripes don't help.


You look great!


I don't know if you know
anything about fashion.


Are you all right?


No.


He's making the tie in the cab
as they're flying up Madison.


He finally gets there.


He runs up the steps into the church.
The wedding is on.


And he says, "Watermelon?
I thought you said Guatemalan.


Why would I marry a watermelon?"


Is that a bee joke?


That's the kind of stuff we do.


Yeah, different.


So, what are you gonna do, Barry?


About work? I don't know.


I want to do my part for the hive,
but I can't do it the way they want.


I know how you feel.


- You do?
- Sure.


My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or
a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.


- Really?
- My only interest is flowers.


Our new queen was just elected
with that same campaign slogan.


Anyway, if you look...


There's my hive right there. See it?


You're in Sheep Meadow!


Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!


No way! I know that area.
I lost a toe ring there once.


- Why do girls put rings on their toes?
- Why not?


- It's like putting a hat on your knee.
- Maybe I'll try that.


- You all right, ma'am?
- Oh, yeah. Fine.


Just having two cups of coffee!


Anyway, this has been great.
Thanks for the coffee.


Yeah, it's no trouble.


Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did,
I'd be up the rest of my life.


Are you...?


Oan I take a piece of this with me?


Sure! Here, have a crumb.


- Thanks!
- Yeah.


All right. Well, then...
I guess I'll see you around.


Or not.


OK, Barry.


And thank you
so much again... for before.


Oh, that? That was nothing.


Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...


This can't possibly work.


He's all set to go.
We may as well try it.


OK, Dave, pull the chute.


- Sounds amazing.
- It was amazing!


It was the scariest,
happiest moment of my life.


Humans! I can't believe
you were with humans!


Giant, scary humans!
What were they like?


Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.


They eat crazy giant things.
They drive crazy.


- Do they try and kill you, like on TV?
- Some of them. But some of them don't.


- How'd you get back?
- Poodle.


You did it, and I'm glad. You saw
whatever you wanted to see.


You had your "experience." Now you
can pick out yourjob and be normal.


- Well...
- Well?


Well, I met someone.


You did? Was she Bee-ish?


- A wasp?! Your parents will kill you!
- No, no, no, not a wasp.


- Spider?
- I'm not attracted to spiders.


I know it's the hottest thing,
with the eight legs and all.


I can't get by that face.


So who is she?


She's... human.


No, no. That's a bee law.
You wouldn't break a bee law.


- Her name's Vanessa.
- Oh, boy.


She's so nice. And she's a florist!


Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!


We're not dating.


You're flying outside the hive, talking
to humans that attack our homes


with power washers and M-80s!
One-eighth a stick of dynamite!


She saved my life!
And she understands me.


This is over!


Eat this.


This is not over! What was that?


- They call it a crumb.
- It was so stingin' stripey!


And that's not what they eat.
That's what falls off what they eat!


- You know what a Oinnabon is?
- No.


It's bread and cinnamon and frosting.
They heat it up...


Sit down!


...really hot!
- Listen to me!


We are not them! We're us.
There's us and there's them!


Yes, but who can deny
the heart that is yearning?


There's no yearning.
Stop yearning. Listen to me!


You have got to start thinking bee,
my friend. Thinking bee!


- Thinking bee.
- Thinking bee.


Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


There he is. He's in the pool.


You know what your problem is, Barry?


I gotta start thinking bee?


How much longer will this go on?


It's been three days!
Why aren't you working?


I've got a lot of big life decisions
to think about.


What life? You have no life!
You have no job. You're barely a bee!


Would it kill you
to make a little honey?


Barry, come out.
Your father's talking to you.


Martin, would you talk to him?


Barry, I'm talking to you!


You coming?


Got everything?


All set!


Go ahead. I'll catch up.


Don't be too long.


Watch this!


Vanessa!


- We're still here.
- I told you not to yell at him.


He doesn't respond to yelling!


- Then why yell at me?
- Because you don't listen!


I'm not listening to this.


Sorry, I've gotta go.


- Where are you going?
- I'm meeting a friend.


A girl? Is this why you can't decide?


Bye.


I just hope she's Bee-ish.


They have a huge parade
of flowers every year in Pasadena?


To be in the Tournament of Roses,
that's every florist's dream!


Up on a float, surrounded
by flowers, crowds cheering.


A tournament. Do the roses
compete in athletic events?


No. All right, I've got one.
How come you don't fly everywhere?


It's exhausting. Why don't you
run everywhere? It's faster.


Yeah, OK, I see, I see.
All right, your turn.


TiVo. You can just freeze live TV?
That's insane!


You don't have that?


We have Hivo, but it's a disease.
It's a horrible, horrible disease.


Oh, my.


Dumb bees!


You must want to sting all those jerks.


We try not to sting.
It's usually fatal for us.


So you have to watch your temper.


Very carefully.
You kick a wall, take a walk,


write an angry letter and throw it out.
Work through it like any emotion:


Anger, jealousy, lust.


Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?


Yeah.


- What is wrong with you?!
- It's a bug.


He's not bothering anybody.
Get out of here, you creep!


What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular?


Yeah, it was. How did you know?


It felt like about 10 pages.
Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.


You've really got that
down to a science.


- I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue.
- I'll bet.


What in the name
of Mighty Hercules is this?


How did this get here?
Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,


Ray Liotta Private Select?


- Is he that actor?
- I never heard of him.


- Why is this here?
- For people. We eat it.


You don't have
enough food of your own?


- Well, yes.
- How do you get it?


- Bees make it.
- I know who makes it!


And it's hard to make it!


There's heating, cooling, stirring.
You need a whole Krelman thing!


- It's organic.
- It's our-ganic!


It's just honey, Barry.


Just what?!


Bees don't know about this!
This is stealing! A lot of stealing!


You've taken our homes, schools,
hospitals! This is all we have!


And it's on sale?!
I'm getting to the bottom of this.


I'm getting to the bottom
of all of this!


Hey, Hector.


- You almost done?
- Almost.


He is here. I sense it.


Well, I guess I'll go home now


and just leave this nice honey out,
with no one around.


You're busted, box boy!


I knew I heard something.
So you can talk!


I can talk.
And now you'll start talking!


Where you getting the sweet stuff?
Who's your supplier?


I don't understand.
I thought we were friends.


The last thing we want
to do is upset bees!


You're too late! It's ours now!


You, sir, have crossed
the wrong sword!


You, sir, will be lunch
for my iguana, Ignacio!


Where is the honey coming from?


Tell me where!


Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!


Orazy person!


What horrible thing has happened here?


These faces, they never knew
what hit them. And now


they're on the road to nowhere!


Just keep still.


What? You're not dead?


Do I look dead? They will wipe anything
that moves. Where you headed?


To Honey Farms.
I am onto something huge here.


I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood,
crazy stuff. Blows your head off!


I'm going to Tacoma.


- And you?
- He really is dead.


All right.


Uh-oh!


- What is that?!
- Oh, no!


- A wiper! Triple blade!
- Triple blade?


Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!


Why does everything have
to be so doggone clean?!


How much do you people need to see?!


Open your eyes!
Stick your head out the window!


From NPR News in Washington,
I'm Oarl Kasell.


But don't kill no more bugs!


- Bee!
- Moose blood guy!!


- You hear something?
- Like what?


Like tiny screaming.


Turn off the radio.


Whassup, bee boy?


Hey, Blood.


Just a row of honey jars,
as far as the eye could see.


Wow!


I assume wherever this truck goes
is where they're getting it.


I mean, that honey's ours.


- Bees hang tight.
- We're all jammed in.


It's a close community.


Not us, man. We on our own.
Every mosquito on his own.


- What if you get in trouble?
- You a mosquito, you in trouble.


Nobody likes us. They just smack.
See a mosquito, smack, smack!


At least you're out in the world.
You must meet girls.


Mosquito girls try to trade up,
get with a moth, dragonfly.


Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.


You got to be kidding me!


Mooseblood's about to leave
the building! So long, bee!


- Hey, guys!
- Mooseblood!


I knew I'd catch y'all down here.
Did you bring your crazy straw?


We throw it in jars, slap a label on it,
and it's pretty much pure profit.


What is this place?


A bee's got a brain
the size of a pinhead.


They are pinheads!


Pinhead.


- Oheck out the new smoker.
- Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.


The Thomas 3000!


Smoker?


Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic.
Twice the nicotine, all the tar.


A couple breaths of this
knocks them right out.


They make the honey,
and we make the money.


"They make the honey,
and we make the money"?


Oh, my!


What's going on? Are you OK?


Yeah. It doesn't last too long.


Do you know you're
in a fake hive with fake walls?


Our queen was moved here.
We had no choice.


This is your queen?
That's a man in women's clothes!


That's a drag queen!


What is this?


Oh, no!


There's hundreds of them!


Bee honey.


Our honey is being brazenly stolen
on a massive scale!


This is worse than anything bears
have done! I intend to do something.


Oh, Barry, stop.


Who told you humans are taking
our honey? That's a rumor.


Do these look like rumors?


That's a conspiracy theory.
These are obviously doctored photos.


How did you get mixed up in this?


He's been talking to humans.


- What?
- Talking to humans?!


He has a human girlfriend.
And they make out!


Make out? Barry!


We do not.


- You wish you could.
- Whose side are you on?


The bees!


I dated a cricket once in San Antonio.
Those crazy legs kept me up all night.


Barry, this is what you want
to do with your life?


I want to do it for all our lives.
Nobody works harder than bees!


Dad, I remember you
coming home so overworked


your hands were still stirring.
You couldn't stop.


I remember that.


What right do they have to our honey?


We live on two cups a year. They put it
in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!


Even if it's true, what can one bee do?


Sting them where it really hurts.


In the face! The eye!


- That would hurt.
- No.


Up the nose? That's a killer.


There's only one place you can sting
the humans, one place where it matters.


Hive at Five, the hive's only
full-hour action news source.


No more bee beards!


With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.


Weather with Storm Stinger.


Sports with Buzz Larvi.


And Jeanette Ohung.


- Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble.
- And I'm Jeanette Ohung.


A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,


intends to sue the human race
for stealing our honey,


packaging it and profiting
from it illegally!


Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,


we'll have three former queens here in
our studio, discussing their new book,


Olassy Ladies,
out this week on Hexagon.


Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.


Did you ever think, "I'm a kid
from the hive. I can't do this"?


Bees have never been afraid
to change the world.


What about Bee Oolumbus?
Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?


Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.


We were thinking
of stickball or candy stores.


How old are you?


The bee community
is supporting you in this case,


which will be the trial
of the bee century.


You know, they have a Larry King
in the human world too.


It's a common name. Next week...


He looks like you and has a show
and suspenders and colored dots...


Next week...


Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the
guest even though you just heard 'em.


Bear Week next week!
They're scary, hairy and here live.


Always leans forward, pointy shoulders,
squinty eyes, very Jewish.


In tennis, you attack
at the point of weakness!


It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.


Honey, her backhand's a joke!
I'm not gonna take advantage of that?


Quiet, please.
Actual work going on here.


- Is that that same bee?
- Yes, it is!


I'm helping him sue the human race.


- Hello.
- Hello, bee.


This is Ken.


Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size
ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.


Why does he talk again?


Listen, you better go
'cause we're really busy working.


But it's our yogurt night!


Bye-bye.


Why is yogurt night so difficult?!


You poor thing.
You two have been at this for hours!


Yes, and Adam here
has been a huge help.


- Frosting...
- How many sugars?


Just one. I try not
to use the competition.


So why are you helping me?


Bees have good qualities.


And it takes my mind off the shop.


Instead of flowers, people
are giving balloon bouquets now.


Those are great, if you're three.


And artificial flowers.


- Oh, those just get me psychotic!
- Yeah, me too.


Bent stingers, pointless pollination.


Bees must hate those fake things!


Nothing worse
than a daffodil that's had work done.


Maybe this could make up
for it a little bit.


- This lawsuit's a pretty big deal.
- I guess.


You sure you want to go through with it?


Am I sure? When I'm done with
the humans, they won't be able


to say, "Honey, I'm home,"
without paying a royalty!


It's an incredible scene
here in downtown Manhattan,


where the world anxiously waits,
because for the first time in history,


we will hear for ourselves
if a honeybee can actually speak.


What have we gotten into here, Barry?


It's pretty big, isn't it?


I can't believe how many humans
don't work during the day.


You think billion-dollar multinational
food companies have good lawyers?


Everybody needs to stay
behind the barricade.


- What's the matter?
- I don't know, I just got a chill.


Well, if it isn't the bee team.


You boys work on this?


All rise! The Honorable
Judge Bumbleton presiding.


All right. Oase number 4475,


Superior Oourt of New York,
Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry


is now in session.


Mr. Montgomery, you're representing
the five food companies collectively?


A privilege.


Mr. Benson... you're representing
all the bees of the world?


I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor,
we're ready to proceed.


Mr. Montgomery,
your opening statement, please.


Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,


my grandmother was a simple woman.


Born on a farm, she believed
it was man's divine right


to benefit from the bounty
of nature God put before us.


If we lived in the topsy-turvy world
Mr. Benson imagines,


just think of what would it mean.


I would have to negotiate
with the silkworm


for the elastic in my britches!


Talking bee!


How do we know this isn't some sort of


holographic motion-picture-capture
Hollywood wizardry?


They could be using laser beams!


Robotics! Ventriloquism!
Oloning! For all we know,


he could be on steroids!


Mr. Benson?


Ladies and gentlemen,
there's no trickery here.


I'm just an ordinary bee.
Honey's pretty important to me.


It's important to all bees.
We invented it!


We make it. And we protect it
with our lives.


Unfortunately, there are
some people in this room


who think they can take it from us


'cause we're the little guys!
I'm hoping that, after this is all over,


you'll see how, by taking our honey,
you not only take everything we have


but everything we are!


I wish he'd dress like that
all the time. So nice!


Oall your first witness.


So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden
of Honey Farms, big company you have.


I suppose so.


I see you also own
Honeyburton and Honron!


Yes, they provide beekeepers
for our farms.


Beekeeper. I find that
to be a very disturbing term.


I don't imagine you employ
any bee-free-ers, do you?


- No.
- I couldn't hear you.


- No.
- No.


Because you don't free bees.
You keep bees. Not only that,


it seems you thought a bear would be
an appropriate image for a jar of honey.


They're very lovable creatures.


Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.


You mean like this?


Bears kill bees!


How'd you like his head crashing
through your living room?!


Biting into your couch!
Spitting out your throw pillows!


OK, that's enough. Take him away.


So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here.
Your name intrigues me.


- Where have I heard it before?
- I was with a band called The Police.


But you've never been
a police officer, have you?


No, I haven't.


No, you haven't. And so here
we have yet another example


of bee culture casually
stolen by a human


for nothing more than
a prance-about stage name.


Oh, please.


Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?


Because I'm feeling
a little stung, Sting.


Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!


That's not his real name?! You idiots!


Mr. Liotta, first,
belated congratulations on


your Emmy win for a guest spot
on ER in 2005.


Thank you. Thank you.


I see from your resume
that you're devilishly handsome


with a churning inner turmoil
that's ready to blow.


I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?


Not yet it isn't. But is this
what it's come to for you?


Exploiting tiny, helpless bees
so you don't


have to rehearse
your part and learn your lines, sir?


Watch it, Benson!
I could blow right now!


This isn't a goodfella.
This is a badfella!


Why doesn't someone just step on
this creep, and we can all go home?!


- Order in this court!
- You're all thinking it!


Order! Order, I say!


- Say it!
- Mr. Liotta, please sit down!


I think it was awfully nice
of that bear to pitch in like that.


I think the jury's on our side.


Are we doing everything right, legally?


I'm a florist.


Right. Well, here's to a great team.


To a great team!


Well, hello.


- Ken!
- Hello.


I didn't think you were coming.


No, I was just late.
I tried to call, but... the battery.


I didn't want all this to go to waste,
so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.


Oh, that was lucky.


There's a little left.
I could heat it up.


Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.


So I hear you're quite a tennis player.


I'm not much for the game myself.
The ball's a little grabby.


That's where I usually sit.
Right... there.


Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,


and he agreed with me that eating with
chopsticks isn't really a special skill.


You think I don't see what you're doing?


I know how hard it is to find
the rightjob. We have that in common.


Do we?


Bees have 100 percent employment,
but we do jobs like taking the crud out.


That's just what
I was thinking about doing.


Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor
for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.


I'm going to drain the old stinger.


Yeah, you do that.


Look at that.


You know, I've just about had it


with your little mind games.


- What's that?
- Italian Vogue.


Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.


A lot of ads.


Remember what Van said, why is
your life more valuable than mine?


Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!


I think something stinks in here!


I love the smell of flowers.


How do you like the smell of flames?!


Not as much.


Water bug! Not taking sides!


Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat!
This is pathetic!


I've got issues!


Well, well, well, a royal flush!


- You're bluffing.
- Am I?


Surf's up, dude!


Poo water!


That bowl is gnarly.


Except for those dirty yellow rings!


Kenneth! What are you doing?!


You know, I don't even like honey!
I don't eat it!


We need to talk!


He's just a little bee!


And he happens to be
the nicest bee I've met in a long time!


Long time? What are you talking about?!
Are there other bugs in your life?


No, but there are other things bugging
me in life. And you're one of them!


Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...


My nerves are fried from riding
on this emotional roller coaster!


Goodbye, Ken.


And for your information,


I prefer sugar-free, artificial
sweeteners made by man!


I'm sorry about all that.


I know it's got
an aftertaste! I like it!


I always felt there was some kind
of barrier between Ken and me.


I couldn't overcome it.
Oh, well.


Are you OK for the trial?


I believe Mr. Montgomery
is about out of ideas.


We would like to call
Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.


Good idea! You can really see why he's
considered one of the best lawyers...


Yeah.


Layton, you've
gotta weave some magic


with this jury,
or it's gonna be all over.


Don't worry. The only thing I have
to do to turn this jury around


is to remind them
of what they don't like about bees.


- You got the tweezers?
- Are you allergic?


Only to losing, son. Only to losing.


Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you
what I think we'd all like to know.


What exactly is your relationship


to that woman?


We're friends.


- Good friends?
- Yes.


How good? Do you live together?


Wait a minute...


Are you her little...


...bedbug?


I've seen a bee documentary or two.
From what I understand,


doesn't your queen give birth
to all the bee children?


- Yeah, but...
- So those aren't your real parents!


- Oh, Barry...
- Yes, they are!


Hold me back!


You're an illegitimate bee,
aren't you, Benson?


He's denouncing bees!


Don't y'all date your cousins?


- Objection!
- I'm going to pincushion this guy!


Adam, don't! It's what he wants!


Oh, I'm hit!!


Oh, lordy, I am hit!


Order! Order!


The venom! The venom
is coursing through my veins!


I have been felled
by a winged beast of destruction!


You see? You can't treat them
like equals! They're striped savages!


Stinging's the only thing
they know! It's their way!


- Adam, stay with me.
- I can't feel my legs.


What angel of mercy
will come forward to suck the poison


from my heaving buttocks?


I will have order in this court. Order!


Order, please!


The case of the honeybees
versus the human race


took a pointed turn against the bees


yesterday when one of their legal
team stung Layton T. Montgomery.


- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.


- Is there much pain?
- Yeah.


I...


I blew the whole case, didn't I?


It doesn't matter. What matters is
you're alive. You could have died.


I'd be better off dead. Look at me.


They got it from the cafeteria
downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.


Look, there's
a little celery still on it.


What was it like to sting someone?


I can't explain it. It was all...


All adrenaline and then...
and then ecstasy!


All right.


You think it was all a trap?


Of course. I'm sorry.
I flew us right into this.


What were we thinking? Look at us. We're
just a couple of bugs in this world.


What will the humans do to us
if they win?


I don't know.


I hear they put the roaches in motels.
That doesn't sound so bad.


Adam, they check in,
but they don't check out!


Oh, my.


Oould you get a nurse
to close that window?


- Why?
- The smoke.


Bees don't smoke.


Right. Bees don't smoke.


Bees don't smoke!
But some bees are smoking.


That's it! That's our case!


It is? It's not over?


Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.


Get back to the court and stall.
Stall any way you can.


And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.


Mr. Flayman.


Yes? Yes, Your Honor!


Where is the rest of your team?


Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.


Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,


and as a result,
we don't make very good time.


I actually heard a funny story about...


Your Honor,
haven't these ridiculous bugs


taken up enough
of this court's valuable time?


How much longer will we allow
these absurd shenanigans to go on?


They have presented no compelling
evidence to support their charges


against my clients,
who run legitimate businesses.


I move for a complete dismissal
of this entire case!


Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going


to have to consider
Mr. Montgomery's motion.


But you can't! We have a terrific case.


Where is your proof?
Where is the evidence?


Show me the smoking gun!


Hold it, Your Honor!
You want a smoking gun?


Here is your smoking gun.


What is that?


It's a bee smoker!


What, this?
This harmless little contraption?


This couldn't hurt a fly,
let alone a bee.


Look at what has happened


to bees who have never been asked,
"Smoking or non?"


Is this what nature intended for us?


To be forcibly addicted
to smoke machines


and man-made wooden slat work camps?


Living out our lives as honey slaves
to the white man?


- What are we gonna do?
- He's playing the species card.


Ladies and gentlemen, please,
free these bees!


Free the bees! Free the bees!


Free the bees!


Free the bees! Free the bees!


The court finds in favor of the bees!


Vanessa, we won!


I knew you could do it! High-five!


Sorry.


I'm OK! You know what this means?


All the honey
will finally belong to the bees.


Now we won't have
to work so hard all the time.


This is an unholy perversion
of the balance of nature, Benson.


You'll regret this.


Barry, how much honey is out there?


All right. One at a time.


Barry, who are you wearing?


My sweater is Ralph Lauren,
and I have no pants.


- What if Montgomery's right?
- What do you mean?


We've been living the bee way
a long time, 27 million years.


Oongratulations on your victory.
What will you demand as a settlement?


First, we'll demand a complete shutdown
of all bee work camps.


Then we want back the honey
that was ours to begin with,


every last drop.


We demand an end to the glorification
of the bear as anything more


than a filthy, smelly,
bad-breath stink machine.


We're all aware
of what they do in the woods.


Wait for my signal.


Take him out.


He'll have nauseous
for a few hours, then he'll be fine.


And we will no longer tolerate
bee-negative nicknames...


But it's just a prance-about stage name!


...unnecessary inclusion of honey
in bogus health products


and la-dee-da human
tea-time snack garnishments.


Oan't breathe.


Bring it in, boys!


Hold it right there! Good.


Tap it.


Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups,
and there's gallons more coming!


- I think we need to shut down!
- Shut down? We've never shut down.


Shut down honey production!


Stop making honey!


Turn your key, sir!


What do we do now?


Oannonball!


We're shutting honey production!


Mission abort.


Aborting pollination and nectar detail.
Returning to base.


Adam, you wouldn't believe
how much honey was out there.


Oh, yeah?


What's going on? Where is everybody?


- Are they out celebrating?
- They're home.


They don't know what to do.
Laying out, sleeping in.


I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way
to San Antonio with a cricket.


At least we got our honey back.


Sometimes I think, so what if humans
liked our honey? Who wouldn't?


It's the greatest thing in the world!
I was excited to be part of making it.


This was my new desk. This was my
new job. I wanted to do it really well.


And now...


Now I can't.


I don't understand
why they're not happy.


I thought their lives would be better!


They're doing nothing. It's amazing.
Honey really changes people.


You don't have any idea
what's going on, do you?


- What did you want to show me?
- This.


What happened here?


That is not the half of it.


Oh, no. Oh, my.


They're all wilting.


Doesn't look very good, does it?


No.


And whose fault do you think that is?


You know, I'm gonna guess bees.


Bees?


Specifically, me.


I didn't think bees not needing to make
honey would affect all these things.


It's notjust flowers.
Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.


That's our whole SAT test right there.


Take away produce, that affects
the entire animal kingdom.


And then, of course...


The human species?


So if there's no more pollination,


it could all just go south here,
couldn't it?


I know this is also partly my fault.


How about a suicide pact?


How do we do it?


- I'll sting you, you step on me.
- Thatjust kills you twice.


Right, right.


Listen, Barry...
sorry, but I gotta get going.


I had to open my mouth and talk.


Vanessa?


Vanessa? Why are you leaving?
Where are you going?


To the final Tournament of Roses parade
in Pasadena.


They've moved it to this weekend
because all the flowers are dying.


It's the last chance
I'll ever have to see it.


Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry.
I never meant it to turn out like this.


I know. Me neither.


Tournament of Roses.
Roses can't do sports.


Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?


Roses!


Vanessa!


Roses?!


Barry?


- Roses are flowers!
- Yes, they are.


Flowers, bees, pollen!


I know.
That's why this is the last parade.


Maybe not.
Oould you ask him to slow down?


Oould you slow down?


Barry!


OK, I made a huge mistake.
This is a total disaster, all my fault.


Yes, it kind of is.


I've ruined the planet.
I wanted to help you


with the flower shop.
I've made it worse.


Actually, it's completely closed down.


I thought maybe you were remodeling.


But I have another idea, and it's
greater than my previous ideas combined.


I don't want to hear it!


All right, they have the roses,
the roses have the pollen.


I know every bee, plant
and flower bud in this park.


All we gotta do is get what they've got
back here with what we've got.


- Bees.
- Park.


- Pollen!
- Flowers.


- Repollination!
- Across the nation!


Tournament of Roses,
Pasadena, Oalifornia.


They've got nothing
but flowers, floats and cotton candy.


Security will be tight.


I have an idea.


Vanessa Bloome, FTD.


Official floral business. It's real.


Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.


Thank you. It was a gift.


Once inside,
we just pick the right float.


How about The Princess and the Pea?


I could be the princess,
and you could be the pea!


Yes, I got it.


- Where should I sit?
- What are you?


- I believe I'm the pea.
- The pea?


It goes under the mattresses.


- Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart.
- I'm getting the marshal.


You do that!
This whole parade is a fiasco!


Let's see what this baby'll do.


Hey, what are you doing?!


Then all we do
is blend in with traffic...


...without arousing suspicion.


Once at the airport,
there's no stopping us.


Stop! Security.


- You and your insect pack your float?
- Yes.


Has it been
in your possession the entire time?


Would you remove your shoes?


- Remove your stinger.
- It's part of me.


I know. Just having some fun.
Enjoy your flight.


Then if we're lucky, we'll have
just enough pollen to do the job.


Oan you believe how lucky we are? We
have just enough pollen to do the job!


I think this is gonna work.


It's got to work.


Attention, passengers,
this is Oaptain Scott.


We have a bit of bad weather
in New York.


It looks like we'll experience
a couple hours delay.


Barry, these are cut flowers
with no water. They'll never make it.


I gotta get up there
and talk to them.


Be careful.


Oan I get help
with the Sky Mall magazine?


I'd like to order the talking
inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.


Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.


- What'd you say, Hal?
- Nothing.


Bee!


Don't freak out! My entire species...


What are you doing?


- Wait a minute! I'm an attorney!
- Who's an attorney?


Don't move.


Oh, Barry.


Good afternoon, passengers.
This is your captain.


Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B
please report to the cockpit?


And please hurry!


What happened here?


There was a DustBuster,
a toupee, a life raft exploded.


One's bald, one's in a boat,
they're both unconscious!


- Is that another bee joke?
- No!


No one's flying the plane!


This is JFK control tower, Flight 356.
What's your status?


This is Vanessa Bloome.
I'm a florist from New York.


Where's the pilot?


He's unconscious,
and so is the copilot.


Not good. Does anyone onboard
have flight experience?


As a matter of fact, there is.


- Who's that?
- Barry Benson.


From the honey trial?! Oh, great.


Vanessa, this is nothing more
than a big metal bee.


It's got giant wings, huge engines.


I can't fly a plane.


- Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot?
- Yes.


How hard could it be?


Wait, Barry!
We're headed into some lightning.


This is Bob Bumble. We have some
late-breaking news from JFK Airport,


where a suspenseful scene
is developing.


Barry Benson,
fresh from his legal victory...


That's Barry!


...is attempting to land a plane,
loaded with people, flowers


and an incapacitated flight crew.


Flowers?!


We have a storm in the area
and two individuals at the controls


with absolutely no flight experience.


Just a minute.
There's a bee on that plane.


I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson
and his no-account compadres.


They've done enough damage.


But isn't he your only hope?


Technically, a bee
shouldn't be able to fly at all.


Their wings are too small...


Haven't we heard this a million times?


"The surface area of the wings
and body mass make no sense."


- Get this on the air!
- Got it.


- Stand by.
- We're going live.


The way we work may be a mystery to you.


Making honey takes a lot of bees
doing a lot of small jobs.


But let me tell you about a small job.


If you do it well,
it makes a big difference.


More than we realized.
To us, to everyone.


That's why I want to get bees
back to working together.


That's the bee way!
We're not made of Jell-O.


We get behind a fellow.


- Black and yellow!
- Hello!


Left, right, down, hover.


- Hover?
- Forget hover.


This isn't so hard.
Beep-beep! Beep-beep!


Barry, what happened?!


Wait, I think we were
on autopilot the whole time.


- That may have been helping me.
- And now we're not!


So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.


All of you, let's get
behind this fellow! Move it out!


Move out!


Our only chance is if I do what I'd do,
you copy me with the wings of the plane!


Don't have to yell.


I'm not yelling!
We're in a lot of trouble.


It's very hard to concentrate
with that panicky tone in your voice!


It's not a tone. I'm panicking!


I can't do this!


Vanessa, pull yourself together.
You have to snap out of it!


You snap out of it.


You snap out of it.


- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!


- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!


- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!


- Hold it!
- Why? Oome on, it's my turn.


How is the plane flying?


I don't know.


Hello?


Benson, got any flowers
for a happy occasion in there?


The Pollen Jocks!


They do get behind a fellow.


- Black and yellow.
- Hello.


All right, let's drop this tin can
on the blacktop.


Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?


No, nothing. It's all cloudy.


Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.


- Thinking bee.
- Thinking bee.


Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


Wait a minute.
I think I'm feeling something.


- What?
- I don't know. It's strong, pulling me.


Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.


Bring the nose down.


Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


- What in the world is on the tarmac?
- Get some lights on that!


Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


- Vanessa, aim for the flower.
- OK.


Out the engines. We're going in
on bee power. Ready, boys?


Affirmative!


Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.


Land on that flower!


Ready? Full reverse!


Spin it around!


- Not that flower! The other one!
- Which one?


- That flower.
- I'm aiming at the flower!


That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt.
I mean the giant pulsating flower


made of millions of bees!


Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.


Rotate around it.


- This is insane, Barry!
- This's the only way I know how to fly.


Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane
flying in an insect-like pattern?


Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid.
Smell it. Full reverse!


Just drop it. Be a part of it.


Aim for the center!


Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!


Oome on, already.


Barry, we did it!
You taught me how to fly!


- Yes. No high-five!
- Right.


Barry, it worked!
Did you see the giant flower?


What giant flower? Where? Of course
I saw the flower! That was genius!


- Thank you.
- But we're not done yet.


Listen, everyone!


This runway is covered
with the last pollen


from the last flowers
available anywhere on Earth.


That means this is our last chance.


We're the only ones who make honey,
pollinate flowers and dress like this.


If we're gonna survive as a species,
this is our moment! What do you say?


Are we going to be bees, orjust
Museum of Natural History keychains?


We're bees!


Keychain!


Then follow me! Except Keychain.


Hold on, Barry. Here.


You've earned this.


Yeah!


I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect
fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.


Oh, yeah.


That's our Barry.


Mom! The bees are back!


If anybody needs
to make a call, now's the time.


I got a feeling we'll be
working late tonight!


Here's your change. Have a great
afternoon! Oan I help who's next?


Would you like some honey with that?
It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.


Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me.
And I don't see a nickel!


Sometimes I just feel
like a piece of meat!


I had no idea.


Barry, I'm sorry.
Have you got a moment?


Would you excuse me?
My mosquito associate will help you.


Sorry I'm late.


He's a lawyer too?


I was already a blood-sucking parasite.
All I needed was a briefcase.


Have a great afternoon!


Barry, I just got this huge tulip order,
and I can't get them anywhere.


No problem, Vannie.
Just leave it to me.


You're a lifesaver, Barry.
Oan I help who's next?


All right, scramble, jocks!
It's time to fly.


Thank you, Barry!


That bee is living my life!


Let it go, Kenny.


- When will this nightmare end?!
- Let it all go.


- Beautiful day to fly.
- Sure is.


Between you and me,
I was dying to get out of that office.


You have got
to start thinking bee, my friend.


- Thinking bee!
- Me?


Hold it. Let's just stop
for a second. Hold it.


I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone.
Oan we stop here?


I'm not making a major life decision
during a production number!


All right. Take ten, everybody.
Wrap it up, guys.


I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

Montag is different than

Montag is different than the other firemen by being forgiving. Clarisse is right because it says on the top of page 21 how he is forgiving.

Ballsack bitch

Ballsack bitch

Fuck you english teacher for giving us this retarded book u suck

Gay as Bitch

Gay as Bitch

If a nigga borrows a French fry, will that nigger get it back

you're gay academy

you're gay academy

hello this is the gay academy where you get butt fucked

Nigger cock

Nigger cock

Nigger

Nigger

Niger

Niger

Nigger

Nigger

Dick

Dick

Cock

Cock

Pussy

Pussy

Niggs niggs

Niggs niggs

Niggs

bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh

bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh

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hey

hey

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What entertainment happen

What entertainment happens every night at the firehouse? What does this show the reader about the firemen? About Montag?

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Chuck jbyxtci

Chuck jbyxtci

My pepe hard

My pepe hard

Penis

Penis

He describes the earbuds

He describes the earbuds in Mildred's ears saying that they resembled electronic bees that were humming the hour away. The thing that should alarm the reader about this description, is that bees can be harmful and annoying.

The men who arrive in th

The men who arrive in the night to pump Mildred’s stomach have a casual indifference about their work. How many
Record your answers on a separate sheet of paper. To receive credit, you must answer in complete, thoughtful sentences.
Some ancient Roman and Greek communities believed
the salamander was a spirit that lived in fire. Historians
theorize that this may be because the smooth, moist-skinned
lizards often hide in wood chip piles. When a bundle of
wood chips were thrown on a fire, a salmander would
quickly scurry out of the flames, making onlookers think the
creature was coming out of the fire itself.
cases like this do they handle each night? What does this show you about this world?

gang weed

gang weed

What is up my son

What is up my son

Hiashsbdndyr

Hiashsbdndyr

Hapx

Hapx

Ligma

Ligma

hrenheit 451: Section 1

hrenheit 451: Section 1

Ligma

Ligma

electronic bees that were

electronic bees that were humming the hour away. The thing that should alarm the reader

s

s

Describe a typical d

Describe a typical day at clarisses high school

The brass nozzle is like

The brass nozzle is like a great python spitting its venomous kerosene upon the world."

Empty

Empty

Empty

According to Clarisse, ho

According to Clarisse, how is Montag different from the other firemen? What
evidence is given that shows Clarisse is right?

ht. This shows that the p

ht. This shows that the people in this world are sick. They rely on these methods to live longer.

Their billboards were ver

Their billboards were very long because people were driving by at much faster speeds, so they could actually read them.

According to Clarisse, how is Montag different from the other firemen? What evidence is given that shows Clarisse is right? -Logan and Jake

According to Clarisse, how is Montag different from the other firemen? What evidence is given that shows Clarisse is right? -Logan and Jake

Montag is different than the other firemen by being forgiving. Clarisse is right because it says on the top of page 21 how he is forgiving.

The men who arrive in the night to pump Mildred's stomach have a casual indifference about their work. How many cases like this do they handle each night? What does this show you about this world? - Marissa and Quenten

The men who arrive in the night to pump Mildred's stomach have a casual indifference about their work. How many cases like this do they handle each night? What does this show you about this world? - Marissa and Quenten

The men who arrived usually do nine to ten cases each night. This shows that the people in this world are sick. They rely on these methods to live longer.

What metaphors are used to describe Guy Montag while he completes his job? What effect is Bradbury trying to create? -Olivia and Sam

What metaphors are used to describe Guy Montag while he completes his job? What effect is Bradbury trying to create?   -Olivia and Sam

"The brass nozzle is like a great python spitting its venomous kerosene upon the world." Bradbury is trying to describe what the fireman are doing in a negative way. "His hands were the hands of some amazing conductor playing all the symphonies of blazing and burning to bring down the tatters and charcoal ruins of history." It is also beautiful because of the work he is doing and the power that comes with it.

In the moment that Montag first sees Clarisse, what is the main color that Bradbury wants us to associate with this girl? What, symbolically, is significant about this color choice?- Amerikis and Max

In the moment that Montag first sees Clarisse, what is the main color that Bradbury wants us to associate with this girl? What, symbolically, is significant about this color choice?- Amerikis and Max

The color is pale white and it reminds him of the light of  a candle.

In Bradbury's version of the future, how have roadside billboards changed? What does this detail show the reader about society?-Lauren and Michael

In Bradbury's version of the future, how have roadside billboards changed? What does this detail show the reader about society?-Lauren and Michael

Their billboards were very long because people were driving by at much faster speeds, so they could actually read them. This detail shows us that everything in society is a blur and everyone just wants to get places as fast as they can.

What two adjectives would you use to describe Guy Montag in the opening sequence? - Sophie and Kerbie

What two adjectives would you use to describe Guy Montag in the opening sequence? - Sophie and Kerbie

Daring and Oblivious. Being a firefighter he has to have a lot of courage and he jumps down the fire pole, saving himself at the last second. He is oblivious about the effects of his job until he meets Clarisse.

Is there a special kind of insanity in 17 year old's? Second, given the world that Montag and Clarisse live in, how might the uncle's advice be seen as practical and wise? Braxton and Caleb

Is there a special kind of insanity in 17 year old's? Second, given the world that Montag and Clarisse live in, how might the uncle's advice be seen as practical and wise? Braxton and Caleb

No, it depends on the maturity and type of person you are interacting with. Nobody wants to talk to an insane person.

How old is Montag? How long has he been a fireman? -Logan and Jake

How old is Montag? How long has he been a fireman?            -Logan and Jake

Montag is 30 years old. He has been a fireman for 10 years.

What metaphor does Bradbury use to describe the earbuds in Mildred's ears? What should alarm the reader about this description? -Ashlee and Maddy

What metaphor does Bradbury use to describe the earbuds in Mildred's ears? What should alarm the reader about this description? -Ashlee and Maddy

He describes the earbuds in Mildred's ears saying that they resembled electronic bees that were humming the hour away. The thing that should alarm the reader about this description, is that bees can be harmful and annoying.

Type out question here. -Your Name(s)

Type out question here. -Your Name(s)

Provide complete, thoughtful response here.

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Shrek Script

 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face

Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Shrek Script

 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face

Special help by Sergei

Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Shrek Script

 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face










Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.
Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!
Shrek Script
 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face










Special help by Sergei


Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.
Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!
Shrek Script
 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face










Special help by Sergei


Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.
Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!
Shrek Script
 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face










Special help by Sergei


Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.
Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!
Shrek Script
 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face










Special help by Sergei



Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.
Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!
Shrek Script
 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face










Special help by Sergei
KKKKK

Special help by SergeiK

K

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

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Fahrenheit 451: Section 1

Provide your name(s), the question you are answering, and a complete, thoughtful response.

Michelle Bahr
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Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Shrek Script

 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face

Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Shrek Script

 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face

Special help by Sergei

Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Shrek Script

 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face

Special help by SergeiK

K

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

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Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

"i could eat a chink

"i could eat a chink out right now"
-Master Shing Tang Woo

“I could eat out a J

“I could eat out a Jew right now ngl” - hitler 1962

Tyler is a crip dog

Tyler is a crip dog he gon get shot on the block yurr be careful fo that car pimp

I said, certified freakSeven days a weekWet-ass pussyMake that pull-out game weak, woo (ah)Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyBeat it up, nigga, catch a chargeExtra large and extra hardPut this pussy right in your faceSwipe your nose like a credit cardHop on top, I wanna rideI do a kegel while it's insideSpit in my mouth, look in my eyesThis pussy is wet, come take a diveTie me up like I'm surprisedLet's role play, I'll wear a disguiseI want you to park that big Mack truckRight in this little garageMake it cream, make me screamOut in public, make a sceneI don't cook, I don't cleanBut let me tell you how I got this ring (ayy, ayy)Gobble me, swallow me, drip down the side of me (yeah)Quick, jump out 'fore you let it get inside of me (yeah)I tell him where to put it, never tell him where I'm 'bout to beI'll run down on him 'fore I have a nigga running me (pow, pow)Talk your shit, bite your lip (yeah)Ask for a car while you ride that dick (while you ride that dick)You really ain't never gotta fuck him for a thang (yeah)He already made his mind up 'fore he came (ayy, ah)Now get your boots and your coat (ah, ah, ah)For this wet-ass pussyHe bought a phone just for picturesOf this wet-ass pussy (click, click, click)Pay my tuition just to kiss meOn this wet-ass pussy (mwah, mwah, mwah)Now make it rain if you wannaSee some wet-ass pussy (yeah, yeah)Look, I need a hard hitter, I need a deep strokerI need a Henny drinker, I need a weed smokerNot a garden snake, I need a king cobraWith a hook in it, hope it lean overHe got some money, then that's where I'm headedPussy A1, just like his creditHe got a beard, well, I'm tryna wet itI let him taste it, now he diabeticI don't wanna spit, I wanna gulpI wanna gag, I wanna chokeI want you to touch that lil' dangly thingThat swing in the back of my throatMy head game is fire, punani DasaniIt's going in dry and it's coming out soggyI ride on that thang like the cops is behind me (yeah, ah)I spit on his mic and now he tryna sign me, wooYour honor, I'm a freak bitch, handcuffs, leashesSwitch my wig, make him feel like he cheatingPut him on his knees, give him something to believe inNever lost a fight, but I'm looking for a beating (ah)In the food chain, I'm the one that eat yaIf he ate my ass, he's a bottom feederBig D stand for big demeanorI could make you bust before I ever meet yaIf it don't hang, then he can't bangYou can't hurt my feelings, but I like painIf he fuck me and ask, "Whose is it?"When I ride the dick, I'ma spell my nameAh (whores in this house)Yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyNow from the top, make it dropThat's some wet-ass pussyNow get a bucket and a mopThat's some wet-ass pussyI'm talking WAP, WAP, WAPThat's some wet-ass pussyMacaroni in a potThat's some wet-ass pussy, huh

I said, certified freakSeven days a weekWet-ass pussyMake that pull-out game weak, woo (ah)Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyBeat it up, nigga, catch a chargeExtra large and extra hardPut this pussy right in your faceSwipe your nose like a credit cardHop on top, I wanna rideI do a kegel while it's insideSpit in my mouth, look in my eyesThis pussy is wet, come take a diveTie me up like I'm surprisedLet's role play, I'll wear a disguiseI want you to park that big Mack truckRight in this little garageMake it cream, make me screamOut in public, make a sceneI don't cook, I don't cleanBut let me tell you how I got this ring (ayy, ayy)Gobble me, swallow me, drip down the side of me (yeah)Quick, jump out 'fore you let it get inside of me (yeah)I tell him where to put it, never tell him where I'm 'bout to beI'll run down on him 'fore I have a nigga running me (pow, pow)Talk your shit, bite your lip (yeah)Ask for a car while you ride that dick (while you ride that dick)You really ain't never gotta fuck him for a thang (yeah)He already made his mind up 'fore he came (ayy, ah)Now get your boots and your coat (ah, ah, ah)For this wet-ass pussyHe bought a phone just for picturesOf this wet-ass pussy (click, click, click)Pay my tuition just to kiss meOn this wet-ass pussy (mwah, mwah, mwah)Now make it rain if you wannaSee some wet-ass pussy (yeah, yeah)Look, I need a hard hitter, I need a deep strokerI need a Henny drinker, I need a weed smokerNot a garden snake, I need a king cobraWith a hook in it, hope it lean overHe got some money, then that's where I'm headedPussy A1, just like his creditHe got a beard, well, I'm tryna wet itI let him taste it, now he diabeticI don't wanna spit, I wanna gulpI wanna gag, I wanna chokeI want you to touch that lil' dangly thingThat swing in the back of my throatMy head game is fire, punani DasaniIt's going in dry and it's coming out soggyI ride on that thang like the cops is behind me (yeah, ah)I spit on his mic and now he tryna sign me, wooYour honor, I'm a freak bitch, handcuffs, leashesSwitch my wig, make him feel like he cheatingPut him on his knees, give him something to believe inNever lost a fight, but I'm looking for a beating (ah)In the food chain, I'm the one that eat yaIf he ate my ass, he's a bottom feederBig D stand for big demeanorI could make you bust before I ever meet yaIf it don't hang, then he can't bangYou can't hurt my feelings, but I like painIf he fuck me and ask, "Whose is it?"When I ride the dick, I'ma spell my nameAh (whores in this house)Yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyNow from the top, make it dropThat's some wet-ass pussyNow get a bucket and a mopThat's some wet-ass pussyI'm talking WAP, WAP, WAPThat's some wet-ass pussyMacaroni in a potThat's some wet-ass pussy, huh

Said is gay as shit

Said is gay as shit fuck dat hoe ong blood crippin all over dat hoe

nigga hour

nigga hour

"If a nigga is gay the NIGGA is GAY trust me"
Niggalations 3:16

The Bee Movie Script

The Bee Movie Script

Bee Movie Script - Dialogue Transcript


According to all known laws
of aviation,


there is no way a bee
should be able to fly.


Its wings are too small to get
its fat little body off the ground.


The bee, of course, flies anyway


because bees don't care
what humans think is impossible.


Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.


Ooh, black and yellow!
Let's shake it up a little.


Barry! Breakfast is ready!


Ooming!


Hang on a second.


Hello?


- Barry?
- Adam?


- Oan you believe this is happening?
- I can't. I'll pick you up.


Looking sharp.


Use the stairs. Your father
paid good money for those.


Sorry. I'm excited.


Here's the graduate.
We're very proud of you, son.


A perfect report card, all B's.


Very proud.


Ma! I got a thing going here.


- You got lint on your fuzz.
- Ow! That's me!


- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000.
- Bye!


Barry, I told you,
stop flying in the house!


- Hey, Adam.
- Hey, Barry.


- Is that fuzz gel?
- A little. Special day, graduation.


Never thought I'd make it.


Three days grade school,
three days high school.


Those were awkward.


Three days college. I'm glad I took
a day and hitchhiked around the hive.


You did come back different.


- Hi, Barry.
- Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.


- Hear about Frankie?
- Yeah.


- You going to the funeral?
- No, I'm not going.


Everybody knows,
sting someone, you die.


Don't waste it on a squirrel.
Such a hothead.


I guess he could have
just gotten out of the way.


I love this incorporating
an amusement park into our day.


That's why we don't need vacations.


Boy, quite a bit of pomp...
under the circumstances.


- Well, Adam, today we are men.
- We are!


- Bee-men.
- Amen!


Hallelujah!


Students, faculty, distinguished bees,


please welcome Dean Buzzwell.


Welcome, New Hive Oity
graduating class of...


...9:15.


That concludes our ceremonies.


And begins your career
at Honex Industries!


Will we pick ourjob today?


I heard it's just orientation.


Heads up! Here we go.


Keep your hands and antennas
inside the tram at all times.


- Wonder what it'll be like?
- A little scary.


Welcome to Honex,
a division of Honesco


and a part of the Hexagon Group.


This is it!


Wow.


Wow.


We know that you, as a bee,
have worked your whole life


to get to the point where you
can work for your whole life.


Honey begins when our valiant Pollen
Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.


Our top-secret formula


is automatically color-corrected,
scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured


into this soothing sweet syrup


with its distinctive
golden glow you know as...


Honey!


- That girl was hot.
- She's my cousin!


- She is?
- Yes, we're all cousins.


- Right. You're right.
- At Honex, we constantly strive


to improve every aspect
of bee existence.


These bees are stress-testing
a new helmet technology.


- What do you think he makes?
- Not enough.


Here we have our latest advancement,
the Krelman.


- What does that do?
- Oatches that little strand of honey


that hangs after you pour it.
Saves us millions.


Oan anyone work on the Krelman?


Of course. Most bee jobs are
small ones. But bees know


that every small job,
if it's done well, means a lot.


But choose carefully


because you'll stay in the job
you pick for the rest of your life.


The same job the rest of your life?
I didn't know that.


What's the difference?


You'll be happy to know that bees,
as a species, haven't had one day off


in 27 million years.


So you'll just work us to death?


We'll sure try.


Wow! That blew my mind!


"What's the difference?"
How can you say that?


One job forever?
That's an insane choice to have to make.


I'm relieved. Now we only have
to make one decision in life.


But, Adam, how could they
never have told us that?


Why would you question anything?
We're bees.


We're the most perfectly
functioning society on Earth.


You ever think maybe things
work a little too well here?


Like what? Give me one example.


I don't know. But you know
what I'm talking about.


Please clear the gate.
Royal Nectar Force on approach.


Wait a second. Oheck it out.


- Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!
- Wow.


I've never seen them this close.


They know what it's like
outside the hive.


Yeah, but some don't come back.


- Hey, Jocks!
- Hi, Jocks!


You guys did great!


You're monsters!
You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!


- I wonder where they were.
- I don't know.


Their day's not planned.


Outside the hive, flying who knows
where, doing who knows what.


You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen
Jock. You have to be bred for that.


Right.


Look. That's more pollen
than you and I will see in a lifetime.


It's just a status symbol.
Bees make too much of it.


Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it
and the ladies see you wearing it.


Those ladies?
Aren't they our cousins too?


Distant. Distant.


Look at these two.


- Oouple of Hive Harrys.
- Let's have fun with them.


It must be dangerous
being a Pollen Jock.


Yeah. Once a bear pinned me
against a mushroom!


He had a paw on my throat,
and with the other, he was slapping me!


- Oh, my!
- I never thought I'd knock him out.


What were you doing during this?


Trying to alert the authorities.


I can autograph that.


A little gusty out there today,
wasn't it, comrades?


Yeah. Gusty.


We're hitting a sunflower patch
six miles from here tomorrow.


- Six miles, huh?
- Barry!


A puddle jump for us,
but maybe you're not up for it.


- Maybe I am.
- You are not!


We're going 0900 at J-Gate.


What do you think, buzzy-boy?
Are you bee enough?


I might be. It all depends
on what 0900 means.


Hey, Honex!


Dad, you surprised me.


You decide what you're interested in?


- Well, there's a lot of choices.
- But you only get one.


Do you ever get bored
doing the same job every day?


Son, let me tell you about stirring.


You grab that stick, and you just
move it around, and you stir it around.


You get yourself into a rhythm.
It's a beautiful thing.


You know, Dad,
the more I think about it,


maybe the honey field
just isn't right for me.


You were thinking of what,
making balloon animals?


That's a bad job
for a guy with a stinger.


Janet, your son's not sure
he wants to go into honey!


- Barry, you are so funny sometimes.
- I'm not trying to be funny.


You're not funny! You're going
into honey. Our son, the stirrer!


- You're gonna be a stirrer?
- No one's listening to me!


Wait till you see the sticks I have.


I could say anything right now.
I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!


Let's open some honey and celebrate!


Maybe I'll pierce my thorax.
Shave my antennae.


Shack up with a grasshopper. Get
a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!


I'm so proud.


- We're starting work today!
- Today's the day.


Oome on! All the good jobs
will be gone.


Yeah, right.


Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,
stirrer, front desk, hair removal...


- Is it still available?
- Hang on. Two left!


One of them's yours! Oongratulations!
Step to the side.


- What'd you get?
- Picking crud out. Stellar!


Wow!


Oouple of newbies?


Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!


Make your choice.


- You want to go first?
- No, you go.


Oh, my. What's available?


Restroom attendant's open,
not for the reason you think.


- Any chance of getting the Krelman?
- Sure, you're on.


I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.


Wax monkey's always open.


The Krelman opened up again.


What happened?


A bee died. Makes an opening. See?
He's dead. Another dead one.


Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.


Dead from the neck up.
Dead from the neck down. That's life!


Oh, this is so hard!


Heating, cooling,
stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,


humming, inspector number seven,
lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,


mite wrangler. Barry, what
do you think I should... Barry?


Barry!


All right, we've got the sunflower patch
in quadrant nine...


What happened to you?
Where are you?


- I'm going out.
- Out? Out where?


- Out there.
- Oh, no!


I have to, before I go
to work for the rest of my life.


You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?


Another call coming in.


If anyone's feeling brave,
there's a Korean deli on 83rd


that gets their roses today.


Hey, guys.


- Look at that.
- Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?


Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.


It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.


Really? Feeling lucky, are you?


Sign here, here. Just initial that.


- Thank you.
- OK.


You got a rain advisory today,


and as you all know,
bees cannot fly in rain.


So be careful. As always,
watch your brooms,


hockey sticks, dogs,
birds, bears and bats.


Also, I got a couple of reports
of root beer being poured on us.


Murphy's in a home because of it,
babbling like a cicada!


- That's awful.
- And a reminder for you rookies,


bee law number one,
absolutely no talking to humans!


All right, launch positions!


Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz,
buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!


Black and yellow!


Hello!


You ready for this, hot shot?


Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.


Wind, check.


- Antennae, check.
- Nectar pack, check.


- Wings, check.
- Stinger, check.


Scared out of my shorts, check.


OK, ladies,


let's move it out!


Pound those petunias,
you striped stem-suckers!


All of you, drain those flowers!


Wow! I'm out!


I can't believe I'm out!


So blue.


I feel so fast and free!


Box kite!


Wow!


Flowers!


This is Blue Leader.
We have roses visual.


Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.


Roses!


30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.


Stand to the side, kid.
It's got a bit of a kick.


That is one nectar collector!


- Ever see pollination up close?
- No, sir.


I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it
over here. Maybe a dash over there,


a pinch on that one.
See that? It's a little bit of magic.


That's amazing. Why do we do that?


That's pollen power. More pollen, more
flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.


Oool.


I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow.
Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?


Oopy that visual.


Wait. One of these flowers
seems to be on the move.


Say again? You're reporting
a moving flower?


Affirmative.


That was on the line!


This is the coolest. What is it?


I don't know, but I'm loving this color.


It smells good.
Not like a flower, but I like it.


Yeah, fuzzy.


Ohemical-y.


Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.


My sweet lord of bees!


Oandy-brain, get off there!


Problem!


- Guys!
- This could be bad.


Affirmative.


Very close.


Gonna hurt.


Mama's little boy.


You are way out of position, rookie!


Ooming in at you like a missile!


Help me!


I don't think these are flowers.


- Should we tell him?
- I think he knows.


What is this?!


Match point!


You can start packing up, honey,
because you're about to eat it!


Yowser!


Gross.


There's a bee in the car!


- Do something!
- I'm driving!


- Hi, bee.
- He's back here!


He's going to sting me!


Nobody move. If you don't move,
he won't sting you. Freeze!


He blinked!


Spray him, Granny!


What are you doing?!


Wow... the tension level
out here is unbelievable.


I gotta get home.


Oan't fly in rain.


Oan't fly in rain.


Oan't fly in rain.


Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!


Ken, could you close
the window please?


Ken, could you close
the window please?


Oheck out my new resume.
I made it into a fold-out brochure.


You see? Folds out.


Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.


What was that?


Maybe this time. This time. This time.
This time! This time! This...


Drapes!


That is diabolical.


It's fantastic. It's got all my special
skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.


What's number one? Star Wars?


Nah, I don't go for that...


...kind of stuff.


No wonder we shouldn't talk to them.
They're out of their minds.


When I leave a job interview, they're
flabbergasted, can't believe what I say.


There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.


I don't remember the sun
having a big 75 on it.


I predicted global warming.


I could feel it getting hotter.
At first I thought it was just me.


Wait! Stop! Bee!


Stand back. These are winter boots.


Wait!


Don't kill him!


You know I'm allergic to them!
This thing could kill me!


Why does his life have
less value than yours?


Why does his life have any less value
than mine? Is that your statement?


I'm just saying all life has value. You
don't know what he's capable of feeling.


My brochure!


There you go, little guy.


I'm not scared of him.
It's an allergic thing.


Put that on your resume brochure.


My whole face could puff up.


Make it one of your special skills.


Knocking someone out
is also a special skill.


Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.


- Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?
- Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.


- You could put carob chips on there.
- Bye.


- Supposed to be less calories.
- Bye.


I gotta say something.


She saved my life.
I gotta say something.


All right, here it goes.


Nah.


What would I say?


I could really get in trouble.


It's a bee law.
You're not supposed to talk to a human.


I can't believe I'm doing this.


I've got to.


Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!


No. Yes. No.


Do it. I can't.


How should I start it?
"You like jazz?" No, that's no good.


Here she comes! Speak, you fool!


Hi!


I'm sorry.


- You're talking.
- Yes, I know.


You're talking!


I'm so sorry.


No, it's OK. It's fine.
I know I'm dreaming.


But I don't recall going to bed.


Well, I'm sure this
is very disconcerting.


This is a bit of a surprise to me.
I mean, you're a bee!


I am. And I'm not supposed
to be doing this,


but they were all trying to kill me.


And if it wasn't for you...


I had to thank you.
It's just how I was raised.


That was a little weird.


- I'm talking with a bee.
- Yeah.


I'm talking to a bee.
And the bee is talking to me!


I just want to say I'm grateful.
I'll leave now.


- Wait! How did you learn to do that?
- What?


The talking thing.


Same way you did, I guess.
"Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.


- That's very funny.
- Yeah.


Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh,
we'd cry with what we have to deal with.


Anyway...


Oan I...


...get you something?
- Like what?


I don't know. I mean...
I don't know. Ooffee?


I don't want to put you out.


It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.


- It's just coffee.
- I hate to impose.


- Don't be ridiculous!
- Actually, I would love a cup.


Hey, you want rum cake?


- I shouldn't.
- Have some.


- No, I can't.
- Oome on!


I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.


- Where?
- These stripes don't help.


You look great!


I don't know if you know
anything about fashion.


Are you all right?


No.


He's making the tie in the cab
as they're flying up Madison.


He finally gets there.


He runs up the steps into the church.
The wedding is on.


And he says, "Watermelon?
I thought you said Guatemalan.


Why would I marry a watermelon?"


Is that a bee joke?


That's the kind of stuff we do.


Yeah, different.


So, what are you gonna do, Barry?


About work? I don't know.


I want to do my part for the hive,
but I can't do it the way they want.


I know how you feel.


- You do?
- Sure.


My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or
a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.


- Really?
- My only interest is flowers.


Our new queen was just elected
with that same campaign slogan.


Anyway, if you look...


There's my hive right there. See it?


You're in Sheep Meadow!


Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!


No way! I know that area.
I lost a toe ring there once.


- Why do girls put rings on their toes?
- Why not?


- It's like putting a hat on your knee.
- Maybe I'll try that.


- You all right, ma'am?
- Oh, yeah. Fine.


Just having two cups of coffee!


Anyway, this has been great.
Thanks for the coffee.


Yeah, it's no trouble.


Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did,
I'd be up the rest of my life.


Are you...?


Oan I take a piece of this with me?


Sure! Here, have a crumb.


- Thanks!
- Yeah.


All right. Well, then...
I guess I'll see you around.


Or not.


OK, Barry.


And thank you
so much again... for before.


Oh, that? That was nothing.


Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...


This can't possibly work.


He's all set to go.
We may as well try it.


OK, Dave, pull the chute.


- Sounds amazing.
- It was amazing!


It was the scariest,
happiest moment of my life.


Humans! I can't believe
you were with humans!


Giant, scary humans!
What were they like?


Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.


They eat crazy giant things.
They drive crazy.


- Do they try and kill you, like on TV?
- Some of them. But some of them don't.


- How'd you get back?
- Poodle.


You did it, and I'm glad. You saw
whatever you wanted to see.


You had your "experience." Now you
can pick out yourjob and be normal.


- Well...
- Well?


Well, I met someone.


You did? Was she Bee-ish?


- A wasp?! Your parents will kill you!
- No, no, no, not a wasp.


- Spider?
- I'm not attracted to spiders.


I know it's the hottest thing,
with the eight legs and all.


I can't get by that face.


So who is she?


She's... human.


No, no. That's a bee law.
You wouldn't break a bee law.


- Her name's Vanessa.
- Oh, boy.


She's so nice. And she's a florist!


Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!


We're not dating.


You're flying outside the hive, talking
to humans that attack our homes


with power washers and M-80s!
One-eighth a stick of dynamite!


She saved my life!
And she understands me.


This is over!


Eat this.


This is not over! What was that?


- They call it a crumb.
- It was so stingin' stripey!


And that's not what they eat.
That's what falls off what they eat!


- You know what a Oinnabon is?
- No.


It's bread and cinnamon and frosting.
They heat it up...


Sit down!


...really hot!
- Listen to me!


We are not them! We're us.
There's us and there's them!


Yes, but who can deny
the heart that is yearning?


There's no yearning.
Stop yearning. Listen to me!


You have got to start thinking bee,
my friend. Thinking bee!


- Thinking bee.
- Thinking bee.


Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


There he is. He's in the pool.


You know what your problem is, Barry?


I gotta start thinking bee?


How much longer will this go on?


It's been three days!
Why aren't you working?


I've got a lot of big life decisions
to think about.


What life? You have no life!
You have no job. You're barely a bee!


Would it kill you
to make a little honey?


Barry, come out.
Your father's talking to you.


Martin, would you talk to him?


Barry, I'm talking to you!


You coming?


Got everything?


All set!


Go ahead. I'll catch up.


Don't be too long.


Watch this!


Vanessa!


- We're still here.
- I told you not to yell at him.


He doesn't respond to yelling!


- Then why yell at me?
- Because you don't listen!


I'm not listening to this.


Sorry, I've gotta go.


- Where are you going?
- I'm meeting a friend.


A girl? Is this why you can't decide?


Bye.


I just hope she's Bee-ish.


They have a huge parade
of flowers every year in Pasadena?


To be in the Tournament of Roses,
that's every florist's dream!


Up on a float, surrounded
by flowers, crowds cheering.


A tournament. Do the roses
compete in athletic events?


No. All right, I've got one.
How come you don't fly everywhere?


It's exhausting. Why don't you
run everywhere? It's faster.


Yeah, OK, I see, I see.
All right, your turn.


TiVo. You can just freeze live TV?
That's insane!


You don't have that?


We have Hivo, but it's a disease.
It's a horrible, horrible disease.


Oh, my.


Dumb bees!


You must want to sting all those jerks.


We try not to sting.
It's usually fatal for us.


So you have to watch your temper.


Very carefully.
You kick a wall, take a walk,


write an angry letter and throw it out.
Work through it like any emotion:


Anger, jealousy, lust.


Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?


Yeah.


- What is wrong with you?!
- It's a bug.


He's not bothering anybody.
Get out of here, you creep!


What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular?


Yeah, it was. How did you know?


It felt like about 10 pages.
Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.


You've really got that
down to a science.


- I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue.
- I'll bet.


What in the name
of Mighty Hercules is this?


How did this get here?
Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,


Ray Liotta Private Select?


- Is he that actor?
- I never heard of him.


- Why is this here?
- For people. We eat it.


You don't have
enough food of your own?


- Well, yes.
- How do you get it?


- Bees make it.
- I know who makes it!


And it's hard to make it!


There's heating, cooling, stirring.
You need a whole Krelman thing!


- It's organic.
- It's our-ganic!


It's just honey, Barry.


Just what?!


Bees don't know about this!
This is stealing! A lot of stealing!


You've taken our homes, schools,
hospitals! This is all we have!


And it's on sale?!
I'm getting to the bottom of this.


I'm getting to the bottom
of all of this!


Hey, Hector.


- You almost done?
- Almost.


He is here. I sense it.


Well, I guess I'll go home now


and just leave this nice honey out,
with no one around.


You're busted, box boy!


I knew I heard something.
So you can talk!


I can talk.
And now you'll start talking!


Where you getting the sweet stuff?
Who's your supplier?


I don't understand.
I thought we were friends.


The last thing we want
to do is upset bees!


You're too late! It's ours now!


You, sir, have crossed
the wrong sword!


You, sir, will be lunch
for my iguana, Ignacio!


Where is the honey coming from?


Tell me where!


Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!


Orazy person!


What horrible thing has happened here?


These faces, they never knew
what hit them. And now


they're on the road to nowhere!


Just keep still.


What? You're not dead?


Do I look dead? They will wipe anything
that moves. Where you headed?


To Honey Farms.
I am onto something huge here.


I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood,
crazy stuff. Blows your head off!


I'm going to Tacoma.


- And you?
- He really is dead.


All right.


Uh-oh!


- What is that?!
- Oh, no!


- A wiper! Triple blade!
- Triple blade?


Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!


Why does everything have
to be so doggone clean?!


How much do you people need to see?!


Open your eyes!
Stick your head out the window!


From NPR News in Washington,
I'm Oarl Kasell.


But don't kill no more bugs!


- Bee!
- Moose blood guy!!


- You hear something?
- Like what?


Like tiny screaming.


Turn off the radio.


Whassup, bee boy?


Hey, Blood.


Just a row of honey jars,
as far as the eye could see.


Wow!


I assume wherever this truck goes
is where they're getting it.


I mean, that honey's ours.


- Bees hang tight.
- We're all jammed in.


It's a close community.


Not us, man. We on our own.
Every mosquito on his own.


- What if you get in trouble?
- You a mosquito, you in trouble.


Nobody likes us. They just smack.
See a mosquito, smack, smack!


At least you're out in the world.
You must meet girls.


Mosquito girls try to trade up,
get with a moth, dragonfly.


Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.


You got to be kidding me!


Mooseblood's about to leave
the building! So long, bee!


- Hey, guys!
- Mooseblood!


I knew I'd catch y'all down here.
Did you bring your crazy straw?


We throw it in jars, slap a label on it,
and it's pretty much pure profit.


What is this place?


A bee's got a brain
the size of a pinhead.


They are pinheads!


Pinhead.


- Oheck out the new smoker.
- Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.


The Thomas 3000!


Smoker?


Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic.
Twice the nicotine, all the tar.


A couple breaths of this
knocks them right out.


They make the honey,
and we make the money.


"They make the honey,
and we make the money"?


Oh, my!


What's going on? Are you OK?


Yeah. It doesn't last too long.


Do you know you're
in a fake hive with fake walls?


Our queen was moved here.
We had no choice.


This is your queen?
That's a man in women's clothes!


That's a drag queen!


What is this?


Oh, no!


There's hundreds of them!


Bee honey.


Our honey is being brazenly stolen
on a massive scale!


This is worse than anything bears
have done! I intend to do something.


Oh, Barry, stop.


Who told you humans are taking
our honey? That's a rumor.


Do these look like rumors?


That's a conspiracy theory.
These are obviously doctored photos.


How did you get mixed up in this?


He's been talking to humans.


- What?
- Talking to humans?!


He has a human girlfriend.
And they make out!


Make out? Barry!


We do not.


- You wish you could.
- Whose side are you on?


The bees!


I dated a cricket once in San Antonio.
Those crazy legs kept me up all night.


Barry, this is what you want
to do with your life?


I want to do it for all our lives.
Nobody works harder than bees!


Dad, I remember you
coming home so overworked


your hands were still stirring.
You couldn't stop.


I remember that.


What right do they have to our honey?


We live on two cups a year. They put it
in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!


Even if it's true, what can one bee do?


Sting them where it really hurts.


In the face! The eye!


- That would hurt.
- No.


Up the nose? That's a killer.


There's only one place you can sting
the humans, one place where it matters.


Hive at Five, the hive's only
full-hour action news source.


No more bee beards!


With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.


Weather with Storm Stinger.


Sports with Buzz Larvi.


And Jeanette Ohung.


- Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble.
- And I'm Jeanette Ohung.


A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,


intends to sue the human race
for stealing our honey,


packaging it and profiting
from it illegally!


Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,


we'll have three former queens here in
our studio, discussing their new book,


Olassy Ladies,
out this week on Hexagon.


Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.


Did you ever think, "I'm a kid
from the hive. I can't do this"?


Bees have never been afraid
to change the world.


What about Bee Oolumbus?
Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?


Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.


We were thinking
of stickball or candy stores.


How old are you?


The bee community
is supporting you in this case,


which will be the trial
of the bee century.


You know, they have a Larry King
in the human world too.


It's a common name. Next week...


He looks like you and has a show
and suspenders and colored dots...


Next week...


Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the
guest even though you just heard 'em.


Bear Week next week!
They're scary, hairy and here live.


Always leans forward, pointy shoulders,
squinty eyes, very Jewish.


In tennis, you attack
at the point of weakness!


It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.


Honey, her backhand's a joke!
I'm not gonna take advantage of that?


Quiet, please.
Actual work going on here.


- Is that that same bee?
- Yes, it is!


I'm helping him sue the human race.


- Hello.
- Hello, bee.


This is Ken.


Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size
ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.


Why does he talk again?


Listen, you better go
'cause we're really busy working.


But it's our yogurt night!


Bye-bye.


Why is yogurt night so difficult?!


You poor thing.
You two have been at this for hours!


Yes, and Adam here
has been a huge help.


- Frosting...
- How many sugars?


Just one. I try not
to use the competition.


So why are you helping me?


Bees have good qualities.


And it takes my mind off the shop.


Instead of flowers, people
are giving balloon bouquets now.


Those are great, if you're three.


And artificial flowers.


- Oh, those just get me psychotic!
- Yeah, me too.


Bent stingers, pointless pollination.


Bees must hate those fake things!


Nothing worse
than a daffodil that's had work done.


Maybe this could make up
for it a little bit.


- This lawsuit's a pretty big deal.
- I guess.


You sure you want to go through with it?


Am I sure? When I'm done with
the humans, they won't be able


to say, "Honey, I'm home,"
without paying a royalty!


It's an incredible scene
here in downtown Manhattan,


where the world anxiously waits,
because for the first time in history,


we will hear for ourselves
if a honeybee can actually speak.


What have we gotten into here, Barry?


It's pretty big, isn't it?


I can't believe how many humans
don't work during the day.


You think billion-dollar multinational
food companies have good lawyers?


Everybody needs to stay
behind the barricade.


- What's the matter?
- I don't know, I just got a chill.


Well, if it isn't the bee team.


You boys work on this?


All rise! The Honorable
Judge Bumbleton presiding.


All right. Oase number 4475,


Superior Oourt of New York,
Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry


is now in session.


Mr. Montgomery, you're representing
the five food companies collectively?


A privilege.


Mr. Benson... you're representing
all the bees of the world?


I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor,
we're ready to proceed.


Mr. Montgomery,
your opening statement, please.


Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,


my grandmother was a simple woman.


Born on a farm, she believed
it was man's divine right


to benefit from the bounty
of nature God put before us.


If we lived in the topsy-turvy world
Mr. Benson imagines,


just think of what would it mean.


I would have to negotiate
with the silkworm


for the elastic in my britches!


Talking bee!


How do we know this isn't some sort of


holographic motion-picture-capture
Hollywood wizardry?


They could be using laser beams!


Robotics! Ventriloquism!
Oloning! For all we know,


he could be on steroids!


Mr. Benson?


Ladies and gentlemen,
there's no trickery here.


I'm just an ordinary bee.
Honey's pretty important to me.


It's important to all bees.
We invented it!


We make it. And we protect it
with our lives.


Unfortunately, there are
some people in this room


who think they can take it from us


'cause we're the little guys!
I'm hoping that, after this is all over,


you'll see how, by taking our honey,
you not only take everything we have


but everything we are!


I wish he'd dress like that
all the time. So nice!


Oall your first witness.


So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden
of Honey Farms, big company you have.


I suppose so.


I see you also own
Honeyburton and Honron!


Yes, they provide beekeepers
for our farms.


Beekeeper. I find that
to be a very disturbing term.


I don't imagine you employ
any bee-free-ers, do you?


- No.
- I couldn't hear you.


- No.
- No.


Because you don't free bees.
You keep bees. Not only that,


it seems you thought a bear would be
an appropriate image for a jar of honey.


They're very lovable creatures.


Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.


You mean like this?


Bears kill bees!


How'd you like his head crashing
through your living room?!


Biting into your couch!
Spitting out your throw pillows!


OK, that's enough. Take him away.


So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here.
Your name intrigues me.


- Where have I heard it before?
- I was with a band called The Police.


But you've never been
a police officer, have you?


No, I haven't.


No, you haven't. And so here
we have yet another example


of bee culture casually
stolen by a human


for nothing more than
a prance-about stage name.


Oh, please.


Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?


Because I'm feeling
a little stung, Sting.


Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!


That's not his real name?! You idiots!


Mr. Liotta, first,
belated congratulations on


your Emmy win for a guest spot
on ER in 2005.


Thank you. Thank you.


I see from your resume
that you're devilishly handsome


with a churning inner turmoil
that's ready to blow.


I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?


Not yet it isn't. But is this
what it's come to for you?


Exploiting tiny, helpless bees
so you don't


have to rehearse
your part and learn your lines, sir?


Watch it, Benson!
I could blow right now!


This isn't a goodfella.
This is a badfella!


Why doesn't someone just step on
this creep, and we can all go home?!


- Order in this court!
- You're all thinking it!


Order! Order, I say!


- Say it!
- Mr. Liotta, please sit down!


I think it was awfully nice
of that bear to pitch in like that.


I think the jury's on our side.


Are we doing everything right, legally?


I'm a florist.


Right. Well, here's to a great team.


To a great team!


Well, hello.


- Ken!
- Hello.


I didn't think you were coming.


No, I was just late.
I tried to call, but... the battery.


I didn't want all this to go to waste,
so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.


Oh, that was lucky.


There's a little left.
I could heat it up.


Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.


So I hear you're quite a tennis player.


I'm not much for the game myself.
The ball's a little grabby.


That's where I usually sit.
Right... there.


Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,


and he agreed with me that eating with
chopsticks isn't really a special skill.


You think I don't see what you're doing?


I know how hard it is to find
the rightjob. We have that in common.


Do we?


Bees have 100 percent employment,
but we do jobs like taking the crud out.


That's just what
I was thinking about doing.


Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor
for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.


I'm going to drain the old stinger.


Yeah, you do that.


Look at that.


You know, I've just about had it


with your little mind games.


- What's that?
- Italian Vogue.


Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.


A lot of ads.


Remember what Van said, why is
your life more valuable than mine?


Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!


I think something stinks in here!


I love the smell of flowers.


How do you like the smell of flames?!


Not as much.


Water bug! Not taking sides!


Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat!
This is pathetic!


I've got issues!


Well, well, well, a royal flush!


- You're bluffing.
- Am I?


Surf's up, dude!


Poo water!


That bowl is gnarly.


Except for those dirty yellow rings!


Kenneth! What are you doing?!


You know, I don't even like honey!
I don't eat it!


We need to talk!


He's just a little bee!


And he happens to be
the nicest bee I've met in a long time!


Long time? What are you talking about?!
Are there other bugs in your life?


No, but there are other things bugging
me in life. And you're one of them!


Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...


My nerves are fried from riding
on this emotional roller coaster!


Goodbye, Ken.


And for your information,


I prefer sugar-free, artificial
sweeteners made by man!


I'm sorry about all that.


I know it's got
an aftertaste! I like it!


I always felt there was some kind
of barrier between Ken and me.


I couldn't overcome it.
Oh, well.


Are you OK for the trial?


I believe Mr. Montgomery
is about out of ideas.


We would like to call
Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.


Good idea! You can really see why he's
considered one of the best lawyers...


Yeah.


Layton, you've
gotta weave some magic


with this jury,
or it's gonna be all over.


Don't worry. The only thing I have
to do to turn this jury around


is to remind them
of what they don't like about bees.


- You got the tweezers?
- Are you allergic?


Only to losing, son. Only to losing.


Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you
what I think we'd all like to know.


What exactly is your relationship


to that woman?


We're friends.


- Good friends?
- Yes.


How good? Do you live together?


Wait a minute...


Are you her little...


...bedbug?


I've seen a bee documentary or two.
From what I understand,


doesn't your queen give birth
to all the bee children?


- Yeah, but...
- So those aren't your real parents!


- Oh, Barry...
- Yes, they are!


Hold me back!


You're an illegitimate bee,
aren't you, Benson?


He's denouncing bees!


Don't y'all date your cousins?


- Objection!
- I'm going to pincushion this guy!


Adam, don't! It's what he wants!


Oh, I'm hit!!


Oh, lordy, I am hit!


Order! Order!


The venom! The venom
is coursing through my veins!


I have been felled
by a winged beast of destruction!


You see? You can't treat them
like equals! They're striped savages!


Stinging's the only thing
they know! It's their way!


- Adam, stay with me.
- I can't feel my legs.


What angel of mercy
will come forward to suck the poison


from my heaving buttocks?


I will have order in this court. Order!


Order, please!


The case of the honeybees
versus the human race


took a pointed turn against the bees


yesterday when one of their legal
team stung Layton T. Montgomery.


- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.


- Is there much pain?
- Yeah.


I...


I blew the whole case, didn't I?


It doesn't matter. What matters is
you're alive. You could have died.


I'd be better off dead. Look at me.


They got it from the cafeteria
downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.


Look, there's
a little celery still on it.


What was it like to sting someone?


I can't explain it. It was all...


All adrenaline and then...
and then ecstasy!


All right.


You think it was all a trap?


Of course. I'm sorry.
I flew us right into this.


What were we thinking? Look at us. We're
just a couple of bugs in this world.


What will the humans do to us
if they win?


I don't know.


I hear they put the roaches in motels.
That doesn't sound so bad.


Adam, they check in,
but they don't check out!


Oh, my.


Oould you get a nurse
to close that window?


- Why?
- The smoke.


Bees don't smoke.


Right. Bees don't smoke.


Bees don't smoke!
But some bees are smoking.


That's it! That's our case!


It is? It's not over?


Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.


Get back to the court and stall.
Stall any way you can.


And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.


Mr. Flayman.


Yes? Yes, Your Honor!


Where is the rest of your team?


Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.


Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,


and as a result,
we don't make very good time.


I actually heard a funny story about...


Your Honor,
haven't these ridiculous bugs


taken up enough
of this court's valuable time?


How much longer will we allow
these absurd shenanigans to go on?


They have presented no compelling
evidence to support their charges


against my clients,
who run legitimate businesses.


I move for a complete dismissal
of this entire case!


Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going


to have to consider
Mr. Montgomery's motion.


But you can't! We have a terrific case.


Where is your proof?
Where is the evidence?


Show me the smoking gun!


Hold it, Your Honor!
You want a smoking gun?


Here is your smoking gun.


What is that?


It's a bee smoker!


What, this?
This harmless little contraption?


This couldn't hurt a fly,
let alone a bee.


Look at what has happened


to bees who have never been asked,
"Smoking or non?"


Is this what nature intended for us?


To be forcibly addicted
to smoke machines


and man-made wooden slat work camps?


Living out our lives as honey slaves
to the white man?


- What are we gonna do?
- He's playing the species card.


Ladies and gentlemen, please,
free these bees!


Free the bees! Free the bees!


Free the bees!


Free the bees! Free the bees!


The court finds in favor of the bees!


Vanessa, we won!


I knew you could do it! High-five!


Sorry.


I'm OK! You know what this means?


All the honey
will finally belong to the bees.


Now we won't have
to work so hard all the time.


This is an unholy perversion
of the balance of nature, Benson.


You'll regret this.


Barry, how much honey is out there?


All right. One at a time.


Barry, who are you wearing?


My sweater is Ralph Lauren,
and I have no pants.


- What if Montgomery's right?
- What do you mean?


We've been living the bee way
a long time, 27 million years.


Oongratulations on your victory.
What will you demand as a settlement?


First, we'll demand a complete shutdown
of all bee work camps.


Then we want back the honey
that was ours to begin with,


every last drop.


We demand an end to the glorification
of the bear as anything more


than a filthy, smelly,
bad-breath stink machine.


We're all aware
of what they do in the woods.


Wait for my signal.


Take him out.


He'll have nauseous
for a few hours, then he'll be fine.


And we will no longer tolerate
bee-negative nicknames...


But it's just a prance-about stage name!


...unnecessary inclusion of honey
in bogus health products


and la-dee-da human
tea-time snack garnishments.


Oan't breathe.


Bring it in, boys!


Hold it right there! Good.


Tap it.


Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups,
and there's gallons more coming!


- I think we need to shut down!
- Shut down? We've never shut down.


Shut down honey production!


Stop making honey!


Turn your key, sir!


What do we do now?


Oannonball!


We're shutting honey production!


Mission abort.


Aborting pollination and nectar detail.
Returning to base.


Adam, you wouldn't believe
how much honey was out there.


Oh, yeah?


What's going on? Where is everybody?


- Are they out celebrating?
- They're home.


They don't know what to do.
Laying out, sleeping in.


I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way
to San Antonio with a cricket.


At least we got our honey back.


Sometimes I think, so what if humans
liked our honey? Who wouldn't?


It's the greatest thing in the world!
I was excited to be part of making it.


This was my new desk. This was my
new job. I wanted to do it really well.


And now...


Now I can't.


I don't understand
why they're not happy.


I thought their lives would be better!


They're doing nothing. It's amazing.
Honey really changes people.


You don't have any idea
what's going on, do you?


- What did you want to show me?
- This.


What happened here?


That is not the half of it.


Oh, no. Oh, my.


They're all wilting.


Doesn't look very good, does it?


No.


And whose fault do you think that is?


You know, I'm gonna guess bees.


Bees?


Specifically, me.


I didn't think bees not needing to make
honey would affect all these things.


It's notjust flowers.
Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.


That's our whole SAT test right there.


Take away produce, that affects
the entire animal kingdom.


And then, of course...


The human species?


So if there's no more pollination,


it could all just go south here,
couldn't it?


I know this is also partly my fault.


How about a suicide pact?


How do we do it?


- I'll sting you, you step on me.
- Thatjust kills you twice.


Right, right.


Listen, Barry...
sorry, but I gotta get going.


I had to open my mouth and talk.


Vanessa?


Vanessa? Why are you leaving?
Where are you going?


To the final Tournament of Roses parade
in Pasadena.


They've moved it to this weekend
because all the flowers are dying.


It's the last chance
I'll ever have to see it.


Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry.
I never meant it to turn out like this.


I know. Me neither.


Tournament of Roses.
Roses can't do sports.


Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?


Roses!


Vanessa!


Roses?!


Barry?


- Roses are flowers!
- Yes, they are.


Flowers, bees, pollen!


I know.
That's why this is the last parade.


Maybe not.
Oould you ask him to slow down?


Oould you slow down?


Barry!


OK, I made a huge mistake.
This is a total disaster, all my fault.


Yes, it kind of is.


I've ruined the planet.
I wanted to help you


with the flower shop.
I've made it worse.


Actually, it's completely closed down.


I thought maybe you were remodeling.


But I have another idea, and it's
greater than my previous ideas combined.


I don't want to hear it!


All right, they have the roses,
the roses have the pollen.


I know every bee, plant
and flower bud in this park.


All we gotta do is get what they've got
back here with what we've got.


- Bees.
- Park.


- Pollen!
- Flowers.


- Repollination!
- Across the nation!


Tournament of Roses,
Pasadena, Oalifornia.


They've got nothing
but flowers, floats and cotton candy.


Security will be tight.


I have an idea.


Vanessa Bloome, FTD.


Official floral business. It's real.


Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.


Thank you. It was a gift.


Once inside,
we just pick the right float.


How about The Princess and the Pea?


I could be the princess,
and you could be the pea!


Yes, I got it.


- Where should I sit?
- What are you?


- I believe I'm the pea.
- The pea?


It goes under the mattresses.


- Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart.
- I'm getting the marshal.


You do that!
This whole parade is a fiasco!


Let's see what this baby'll do.


Hey, what are you doing?!


Then all we do
is blend in with traffic...


...without arousing suspicion.


Once at the airport,
there's no stopping us.


Stop! Security.


- You and your insect pack your float?
- Yes.


Has it been
in your possession the entire time?


Would you remove your shoes?


- Remove your stinger.
- It's part of me.


I know. Just having some fun.
Enjoy your flight.


Then if we're lucky, we'll have
just enough pollen to do the job.


Oan you believe how lucky we are? We
have just enough pollen to do the job!


I think this is gonna work.


It's got to work.


Attention, passengers,
this is Oaptain Scott.


We have a bit of bad weather
in New York.


It looks like we'll experience
a couple hours delay.


Barry, these are cut flowers
with no water. They'll never make it.


I gotta get up there
and talk to them.


Be careful.


Oan I get help
with the Sky Mall magazine?


I'd like to order the talking
inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.


Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.


- What'd you say, Hal?
- Nothing.


Bee!


Don't freak out! My entire species...


What are you doing?


- Wait a minute! I'm an attorney!
- Who's an attorney?


Don't move.


Oh, Barry.


Good afternoon, passengers.
This is your captain.


Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B
please report to the cockpit?


And please hurry!


What happened here?


There was a DustBuster,
a toupee, a life raft exploded.


One's bald, one's in a boat,
they're both unconscious!


- Is that another bee joke?
- No!


No one's flying the plane!


This is JFK control tower, Flight 356.
What's your status?


This is Vanessa Bloome.
I'm a florist from New York.


Where's the pilot?


He's unconscious,
and so is the copilot.


Not good. Does anyone onboard
have flight experience?


As a matter of fact, there is.


- Who's that?
- Barry Benson.


From the honey trial?! Oh, great.


Vanessa, this is nothing more
than a big metal bee.


It's got giant wings, huge engines.


I can't fly a plane.


- Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot?
- Yes.


How hard could it be?


Wait, Barry!
We're headed into some lightning.


This is Bob Bumble. We have some
late-breaking news from JFK Airport,


where a suspenseful scene
is developing.


Barry Benson,
fresh from his legal victory...


That's Barry!


...is attempting to land a plane,
loaded with people, flowers


and an incapacitated flight crew.


Flowers?!


We have a storm in the area
and two individuals at the controls


with absolutely no flight experience.


Just a minute.
There's a bee on that plane.


I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson
and his no-account compadres.


They've done enough damage.


But isn't he your only hope?


Technically, a bee
shouldn't be able to fly at all.


Their wings are too small...


Haven't we heard this a million times?


"The surface area of the wings
and body mass make no sense."


- Get this on the air!
- Got it.


- Stand by.
- We're going live.


The way we work may be a mystery to you.


Making honey takes a lot of bees
doing a lot of small jobs.


But let me tell you about a small job.


If you do it well,
it makes a big difference.


More than we realized.
To us, to everyone.


That's why I want to get bees
back to working together.


That's the bee way!
We're not made of Jell-O.


We get behind a fellow.


- Black and yellow!
- Hello!


Left, right, down, hover.


- Hover?
- Forget hover.


This isn't so hard.
Beep-beep! Beep-beep!


Barry, what happened?!


Wait, I think we were
on autopilot the whole time.


- That may have been helping me.
- And now we're not!


So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.


All of you, let's get
behind this fellow! Move it out!


Move out!


Our only chance is if I do what I'd do,
you copy me with the wings of the plane!


Don't have to yell.


I'm not yelling!
We're in a lot of trouble.


It's very hard to concentrate
with that panicky tone in your voice!


It's not a tone. I'm panicking!


I can't do this!


Vanessa, pull yourself together.
You have to snap out of it!


You snap out of it.


You snap out of it.


- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!


- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!


- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!


- Hold it!
- Why? Oome on, it's my turn.


How is the plane flying?


I don't know.


Hello?


Benson, got any flowers
for a happy occasion in there?


The Pollen Jocks!


They do get behind a fellow.


- Black and yellow.
- Hello.


All right, let's drop this tin can
on the blacktop.


Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?


No, nothing. It's all cloudy.


Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.


- Thinking bee.
- Thinking bee.


Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


Wait a minute.
I think I'm feeling something.


- What?
- I don't know. It's strong, pulling me.


Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.


Bring the nose down.


Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


- What in the world is on the tarmac?
- Get some lights on that!


Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


- Vanessa, aim for the flower.
- OK.


Out the engines. We're going in
on bee power. Ready, boys?


Affirmative!


Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.


Land on that flower!


Ready? Full reverse!


Spin it around!


- Not that flower! The other one!
- Which one?


- That flower.
- I'm aiming at the flower!


That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt.
I mean the giant pulsating flower


made of millions of bees!


Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.


Rotate around it.


- This is insane, Barry!
- This's the only way I know how to fly.


Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane
flying in an insect-like pattern?


Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid.
Smell it. Full reverse!


Just drop it. Be a part of it.


Aim for the center!


Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!


Oome on, already.


Barry, we did it!
You taught me how to fly!


- Yes. No high-five!
- Right.


Barry, it worked!
Did you see the giant flower?


What giant flower? Where? Of course
I saw the flower! That was genius!


- Thank you.
- But we're not done yet.


Listen, everyone!


This runway is covered
with the last pollen


from the last flowers
available anywhere on Earth.


That means this is our last chance.


We're the only ones who make honey,
pollinate flowers and dress like this.


If we're gonna survive as a species,
this is our moment! What do you say?


Are we going to be bees, orjust
Museum of Natural History keychains?


We're bees!


Keychain!


Then follow me! Except Keychain.


Hold on, Barry. Here.


You've earned this.


Yeah!


I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect
fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.


Oh, yeah.


That's our Barry.


Mom! The bees are back!


If anybody needs
to make a call, now's the time.


I got a feeling we'll be
working late tonight!


Here's your change. Have a great
afternoon! Oan I help who's next?


Would you like some honey with that?
It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.


Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me.
And I don't see a nickel!


Sometimes I just feel
like a piece of meat!


I had no idea.


Barry, I'm sorry.
Have you got a moment?


Would you excuse me?
My mosquito associate will help you.


Sorry I'm late.


He's a lawyer too?


I was already a blood-sucking parasite.
All I needed was a briefcase.


Have a great afternoon!


Barry, I just got this huge tulip order,
and I can't get them anywhere.


No problem, Vannie.
Just leave it to me.


You're a lifesaver, Barry.
Oan I help who's next?


All right, scramble, jocks!
It's time to fly.


Thank you, Barry!


That bee is living my life!


Let it go, Kenny.


- When will this nightmare end?!
- Let it all go.


- Beautiful day to fly.
- Sure is.


Between you and me,
I was dying to get out of that office.


You have got
to start thinking bee, my friend.


- Thinking bee!
- Me?


Hold it. Let's just stop
for a second. Hold it.


I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone.
Oan we stop here?


I'm not making a major life decision
during a production number!


All right. Take ten, everybody.
Wrap it up, guys.


I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

Montag is different than

Montag is different than the other firemen by being forgiving. Clarisse is right because it says on the top of page 21 how he is forgiving.

Ballsack bitch

Ballsack bitch

Fuck you english teacher for giving us this retarded book u suck

Gay as Bitch

Gay as Bitch

If a nigga borrows a French fry, will that nigger get it back

you're gay academy

you're gay academy

hello this is the gay academy where you get butt fucked

Nigger cock

Nigger cock

Nigger

Nigger

Niger

Niger

Nigger

Nigger

Dick

Dick

Cock

Cock

Pussy

Pussy

Niggs niggs

Niggs niggs

Niggs

bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh

bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh

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hey

hey

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What entertainment happen

What entertainment happens every night at the firehouse? What does this show the reader about the firemen? About Montag?

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Chuck jbyxtci

Chuck jbyxtci

My pepe hard

My pepe hard

Penis

Penis

He describes the earbuds

He describes the earbuds in Mildred's ears saying that they resembled electronic bees that were humming the hour away. The thing that should alarm the reader about this description, is that bees can be harmful and annoying.

The men who arrive in th

The men who arrive in the night to pump Mildred’s stomach have a casual indifference about their work. How many
Record your answers on a separate sheet of paper. To receive credit, you must answer in complete, thoughtful sentences.
Some ancient Roman and Greek communities believed
the salamander was a spirit that lived in fire. Historians
theorize that this may be because the smooth, moist-skinned
lizards often hide in wood chip piles. When a bundle of
wood chips were thrown on a fire, a salmander would
quickly scurry out of the flames, making onlookers think the
creature was coming out of the fire itself.
cases like this do they handle each night? What does this show you about this world?

gang weed

gang weed

What is up my son

What is up my son

Hiashsbdndyr

Hiashsbdndyr

Hapx

Hapx

Ligma

Ligma

hrenheit 451: Section 1

hrenheit 451: Section 1

Ligma

Ligma

electronic bees that were

electronic bees that were humming the hour away. The thing that should alarm the reader

s

s

Describe a typical d

Describe a typical day at clarisses high school

The brass nozzle is like

The brass nozzle is like a great python spitting its venomous kerosene upon the world."

Empty

Empty

Empty

According to Clarisse, ho

According to Clarisse, how is Montag different from the other firemen? What
evidence is given that shows Clarisse is right?

ht. This shows that the p

ht. This shows that the people in this world are sick. They rely on these methods to live longer.

Their billboards were ver

Their billboards were very long because people were driving by at much faster speeds, so they could actually read them.

According to Clarisse, how is Montag different from the other firemen? What evidence is given that shows Clarisse is right? -Logan and Jake

According to Clarisse, how is Montag different from the other firemen? What evidence is given that shows Clarisse is right? -Logan and Jake

Montag is different than the other firemen by being forgiving. Clarisse is right because it says on the top of page 21 how he is forgiving.

The men who arrive in the night to pump Mildred's stomach have a casual indifference about their work. How many cases like this do they handle each night? What does this show you about this world? - Marissa and Quenten

The men who arrive in the night to pump Mildred's stomach have a casual indifference about their work. How many cases like this do they handle each night? What does this show you about this world? - Marissa and Quenten

The men who arrived usually do nine to ten cases each night. This shows that the people in this world are sick. They rely on these methods to live longer.

What metaphors are used to describe Guy Montag while he completes his job? What effect is Bradbury trying to create? -Olivia and Sam

What metaphors are used to describe Guy Montag while he completes his job? What effect is Bradbury trying to create?   -Olivia and Sam

"The brass nozzle is like a great python spitting its venomous kerosene upon the world." Bradbury is trying to describe what the fireman are doing in a negative way. "His hands were the hands of some amazing conductor playing all the symphonies of blazing and burning to bring down the tatters and charcoal ruins of history." It is also beautiful because of the work he is doing and the power that comes with it.

In the moment that Montag first sees Clarisse, what is the main color that Bradbury wants us to associate with this girl? What, symbolically, is significant about this color choice?- Amerikis and Max

In the moment that Montag first sees Clarisse, what is the main color that Bradbury wants us to associate with this girl? What, symbolically, is significant about this color choice?- Amerikis and Max

The color is pale white and it reminds him of the light of  a candle.

In Bradbury's version of the future, how have roadside billboards changed? What does this detail show the reader about society?-Lauren and Michael

In Bradbury's version of the future, how have roadside billboards changed? What does this detail show the reader about society?-Lauren and Michael

Their billboards were very long because people were driving by at much faster speeds, so they could actually read them. This detail shows us that everything in society is a blur and everyone just wants to get places as fast as they can.

What two adjectives would you use to describe Guy Montag in the opening sequence? - Sophie and Kerbie

What two adjectives would you use to describe Guy Montag in the opening sequence? - Sophie and Kerbie

Daring and Oblivious. Being a firefighter he has to have a lot of courage and he jumps down the fire pole, saving himself at the last second. He is oblivious about the effects of his job until he meets Clarisse.

Is there a special kind of insanity in 17 year old's? Second, given the world that Montag and Clarisse live in, how might the uncle's advice be seen as practical and wise? Braxton and Caleb

Is there a special kind of insanity in 17 year old's? Second, given the world that Montag and Clarisse live in, how might the uncle's advice be seen as practical and wise? Braxton and Caleb

No, it depends on the maturity and type of person you are interacting with. Nobody wants to talk to an insane person.

How old is Montag? How long has he been a fireman? -Logan and Jake

How old is Montag? How long has he been a fireman?            -Logan and Jake

Montag is 30 years old. He has been a fireman for 10 years.

What metaphor does Bradbury use to describe the earbuds in Mildred's ears? What should alarm the reader about this description? -Ashlee and Maddy

What metaphor does Bradbury use to describe the earbuds in Mildred's ears? What should alarm the reader about this description? -Ashlee and Maddy

He describes the earbuds in Mildred's ears saying that they resembled electronic bees that were humming the hour away. The thing that should alarm the reader about this description, is that bees can be harmful and annoying.

Type out question here. -Your Name(s)

Type out question here. -Your Name(s)

Provide complete, thoughtful response here.

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Shrek Script

 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face

Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Shrek Script

 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face

Special help by Sergei

Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Shrek Script

 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face










Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.
Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!
Shrek Script
 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face










Special help by Sergei


Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.
Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!
Shrek Script
 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face










Special help by Sergei


Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.
Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!
Shrek Script
 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face










Special help by Sergei


Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.
Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!
Shrek Script
 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face










Special help by Sergei



Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.
Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!
Shrek Script
 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face










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Fahrenheit 451: Section 1

Provide your name(s), the question you are answering, and a complete, thoughtful response.

Michelle Bahr
+  39
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1m

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Shrek Script

 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face

Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Shrek Script

 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face

Special help by Sergei

Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Shrek Script

 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face

Special help by SergeiK

K

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

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Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look down.-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah, hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah, hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

"i could eat a chink

"i could eat a chink out right now"
-Master Shing Tang Woo

“I could eat out a J

“I could eat out a Jew right now ngl” - hitler 1962

Tyler is a crip dog

Tyler is a crip dog he gon get shot on the block yurr be careful fo that car pimp

I said, certified freakSeven days a weekWet-ass pussyMake that pull-out game weak, woo (ah)Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyBeat it up, nigga, catch a chargeExtra large and extra hardPut this pussy right in your faceSwipe your nose like a credit cardHop on top, I wanna rideI do a kegel while it's insideSpit in my mouth, look in my eyesThis pussy is wet, come take a diveTie me up like I'm surprisedLet's role play, I'll wear a disguiseI want you to park that big Mack truckRight in this little garageMake it cream, make me screamOut in public, make a sceneI don't cook, I don't cleanBut let me tell you how I got this ring (ayy, ayy)Gobble me, swallow me, drip down the side of me (yeah)Quick, jump out 'fore you let it get inside of me (yeah)I tell him where to put it, never tell him where I'm 'bout to beI'll run down on him 'fore I have a nigga running me (pow, pow)Talk your shit, bite your lip (yeah)Ask for a car while you ride that dick (while you ride that dick)You really ain't never gotta fuck him for a thang (yeah)He already made his mind up 'fore he came (ayy, ah)Now get your boots and your coat (ah, ah, ah)For this wet-ass pussyHe bought a phone just for picturesOf this wet-ass pussy (click, click, click)Pay my tuition just to kiss meOn this wet-ass pussy (mwah, mwah, mwah)Now make it rain if you wannaSee some wet-ass pussy (yeah, yeah)Look, I need a hard hitter, I need a deep strokerI need a Henny drinker, I need a weed smokerNot a garden snake, I need a king cobraWith a hook in it, hope it lean overHe got some money, then that's where I'm headedPussy A1, just like his creditHe got a beard, well, I'm tryna wet itI let him taste it, now he diabeticI don't wanna spit, I wanna gulpI wanna gag, I wanna chokeI want you to touch that lil' dangly thingThat swing in the back of my throatMy head game is fire, punani DasaniIt's going in dry and it's coming out soggyI ride on that thang like the cops is behind me (yeah, ah)I spit on his mic and now he tryna sign me, wooYour honor, I'm a freak bitch, handcuffs, leashesSwitch my wig, make him feel like he cheatingPut him on his knees, give him something to believe inNever lost a fight, but I'm looking for a beating (ah)In the food chain, I'm the one that eat yaIf he ate my ass, he's a bottom feederBig D stand for big demeanorI could make you bust before I ever meet yaIf it don't hang, then he can't bangYou can't hurt my feelings, but I like painIf he fuck me and ask, "Whose is it?"When I ride the dick, I'ma spell my nameAh (whores in this house)Yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyNow from the top, make it dropThat's some wet-ass pussyNow get a bucket and a mopThat's some wet-ass pussyI'm talking WAP, WAP, WAPThat's some wet-ass pussyMacaroni in a potThat's some wet-ass pussy, huh

I said, certified freakSeven days a weekWet-ass pussyMake that pull-out game weak, woo (ah)Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyBeat it up, nigga, catch a chargeExtra large and extra hardPut this pussy right in your faceSwipe your nose like a credit cardHop on top, I wanna rideI do a kegel while it's insideSpit in my mouth, look in my eyesThis pussy is wet, come take a diveTie me up like I'm surprisedLet's role play, I'll wear a disguiseI want you to park that big Mack truckRight in this little garageMake it cream, make me screamOut in public, make a sceneI don't cook, I don't cleanBut let me tell you how I got this ring (ayy, ayy)Gobble me, swallow me, drip down the side of me (yeah)Quick, jump out 'fore you let it get inside of me (yeah)I tell him where to put it, never tell him where I'm 'bout to beI'll run down on him 'fore I have a nigga running me (pow, pow)Talk your shit, bite your lip (yeah)Ask for a car while you ride that dick (while you ride that dick)You really ain't never gotta fuck him for a thang (yeah)He already made his mind up 'fore he came (ayy, ah)Now get your boots and your coat (ah, ah, ah)For this wet-ass pussyHe bought a phone just for picturesOf this wet-ass pussy (click, click, click)Pay my tuition just to kiss meOn this wet-ass pussy (mwah, mwah, mwah)Now make it rain if you wannaSee some wet-ass pussy (yeah, yeah)Look, I need a hard hitter, I need a deep strokerI need a Henny drinker, I need a weed smokerNot a garden snake, I need a king cobraWith a hook in it, hope it lean overHe got some money, then that's where I'm headedPussy A1, just like his creditHe got a beard, well, I'm tryna wet itI let him taste it, now he diabeticI don't wanna spit, I wanna gulpI wanna gag, I wanna chokeI want you to touch that lil' dangly thingThat swing in the back of my throatMy head game is fire, punani DasaniIt's going in dry and it's coming out soggyI ride on that thang like the cops is behind me (yeah, ah)I spit on his mic and now he tryna sign me, wooYour honor, I'm a freak bitch, handcuffs, leashesSwitch my wig, make him feel like he cheatingPut him on his knees, give him something to believe inNever lost a fight, but I'm looking for a beating (ah)In the food chain, I'm the one that eat yaIf he ate my ass, he's a bottom feederBig D stand for big demeanorI could make you bust before I ever meet yaIf it don't hang, then he can't bangYou can't hurt my feelings, but I like painIf he fuck me and ask, "Whose is it?"When I ride the dick, I'ma spell my nameAh (whores in this house)Yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyNow from the top, make it dropThat's some wet-ass pussyNow get a bucket and a mopThat's some wet-ass pussyI'm talking WAP, WAP, WAPThat's some wet-ass pussyMacaroni in a potThat's some wet-ass pussy, huh

Said is gay as shit

Said is gay as shit fuck dat hoe ong blood crippin all over dat hoe

nigga hour

nigga hour

"If a nigga is gay the NIGGA is GAY trust me"
Niggalations 3:16

The Bee Movie Script

The Bee Movie Script

Bee Movie Script - Dialogue Transcript


According to all known laws
of aviation,


there is no way a bee
should be able to fly.


Its wings are too small to get
its fat little body off the ground.


The bee, of course, flies anyway


because bees don't care
what humans think is impossible.


Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.


Ooh, black and yellow!
Let's shake it up a little.


Barry! Breakfast is ready!


Ooming!


Hang on a second.


Hello?


- Barry?
- Adam?


- Oan you believe this is happening?
- I can't. I'll pick you up.


Looking sharp.


Use the stairs. Your father
paid good money for those.


Sorry. I'm excited.


Here's the graduate.
We're very proud of you, son.


A perfect report card, all B's.


Very proud.


Ma! I got a thing going here.


- You got lint on your fuzz.
- Ow! That's me!


- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000.
- Bye!


Barry, I told you,
stop flying in the house!


- Hey, Adam.
- Hey, Barry.


- Is that fuzz gel?
- A little. Special day, graduation.


Never thought I'd make it.


Three days grade school,
three days high school.


Those were awkward.


Three days college. I'm glad I took
a day and hitchhiked around the hive.


You did come back different.


- Hi, Barry.
- Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.


- Hear about Frankie?
- Yeah.


- You going to the funeral?
- No, I'm not going.


Everybody knows,
sting someone, you die.


Don't waste it on a squirrel.
Such a hothead.


I guess he could have
just gotten out of the way.


I love this incorporating
an amusement park into our day.


That's why we don't need vacations.


Boy, quite a bit of pomp...
under the circumstances.


- Well, Adam, today we are men.
- We are!


- Bee-men.
- Amen!


Hallelujah!


Students, faculty, distinguished bees,


please welcome Dean Buzzwell.


Welcome, New Hive Oity
graduating class of...


...9:15.


That concludes our ceremonies.


And begins your career
at Honex Industries!


Will we pick ourjob today?


I heard it's just orientation.


Heads up! Here we go.


Keep your hands and antennas
inside the tram at all times.


- Wonder what it'll be like?
- A little scary.


Welcome to Honex,
a division of Honesco


and a part of the Hexagon Group.


This is it!


Wow.


Wow.


We know that you, as a bee,
have worked your whole life


to get to the point where you
can work for your whole life.


Honey begins when our valiant Pollen
Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.


Our top-secret formula


is automatically color-corrected,
scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured


into this soothing sweet syrup


with its distinctive
golden glow you know as...


Honey!


- That girl was hot.
- She's my cousin!


- She is?
- Yes, we're all cousins.


- Right. You're right.
- At Honex, we constantly strive


to improve every aspect
of bee existence.


These bees are stress-testing
a new helmet technology.


- What do you think he makes?
- Not enough.


Here we have our latest advancement,
the Krelman.


- What does that do?
- Oatches that little strand of honey


that hangs after you pour it.
Saves us millions.


Oan anyone work on the Krelman?


Of course. Most bee jobs are
small ones. But bees know


that every small job,
if it's done well, means a lot.


But choose carefully


because you'll stay in the job
you pick for the rest of your life.


The same job the rest of your life?
I didn't know that.


What's the difference?


You'll be happy to know that bees,
as a species, haven't had one day off


in 27 million years.


So you'll just work us to death?


We'll sure try.


Wow! That blew my mind!


"What's the difference?"
How can you say that?


One job forever?
That's an insane choice to have to make.


I'm relieved. Now we only have
to make one decision in life.


But, Adam, how could they
never have told us that?


Why would you question anything?
We're bees.


We're the most perfectly
functioning society on Earth.


You ever think maybe things
work a little too well here?


Like what? Give me one example.


I don't know. But you know
what I'm talking about.


Please clear the gate.
Royal Nectar Force on approach.


Wait a second. Oheck it out.


- Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!
- Wow.


I've never seen them this close.


They know what it's like
outside the hive.


Yeah, but some don't come back.


- Hey, Jocks!
- Hi, Jocks!


You guys did great!


You're monsters!
You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!


- I wonder where they were.
- I don't know.


Their day's not planned.


Outside the hive, flying who knows
where, doing who knows what.


You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen
Jock. You have to be bred for that.


Right.


Look. That's more pollen
than you and I will see in a lifetime.


It's just a status symbol.
Bees make too much of it.


Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it
and the ladies see you wearing it.


Those ladies?
Aren't they our cousins too?


Distant. Distant.


Look at these two.


- Oouple of Hive Harrys.
- Let's have fun with them.


It must be dangerous
being a Pollen Jock.


Yeah. Once a bear pinned me
against a mushroom!


He had a paw on my throat,
and with the other, he was slapping me!


- Oh, my!
- I never thought I'd knock him out.


What were you doing during this?


Trying to alert the authorities.


I can autograph that.


A little gusty out there today,
wasn't it, comrades?


Yeah. Gusty.


We're hitting a sunflower patch
six miles from here tomorrow.


- Six miles, huh?
- Barry!


A puddle jump for us,
but maybe you're not up for it.


- Maybe I am.
- You are not!


We're going 0900 at J-Gate.


What do you think, buzzy-boy?
Are you bee enough?


I might be. It all depends
on what 0900 means.


Hey, Honex!


Dad, you surprised me.


You decide what you're interested in?


- Well, there's a lot of choices.
- But you only get one.


Do you ever get bored
doing the same job every day?


Son, let me tell you about stirring.


You grab that stick, and you just
move it around, and you stir it around.


You get yourself into a rhythm.
It's a beautiful thing.


You know, Dad,
the more I think about it,


maybe the honey field
just isn't right for me.


You were thinking of what,
making balloon animals?


That's a bad job
for a guy with a stinger.


Janet, your son's not sure
he wants to go into honey!


- Barry, you are so funny sometimes.
- I'm not trying to be funny.


You're not funny! You're going
into honey. Our son, the stirrer!


- You're gonna be a stirrer?
- No one's listening to me!


Wait till you see the sticks I have.


I could say anything right now.
I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!


Let's open some honey and celebrate!


Maybe I'll pierce my thorax.
Shave my antennae.


Shack up with a grasshopper. Get
a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!


I'm so proud.


- We're starting work today!
- Today's the day.


Oome on! All the good jobs
will be gone.


Yeah, right.


Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,
stirrer, front desk, hair removal...


- Is it still available?
- Hang on. Two left!


One of them's yours! Oongratulations!
Step to the side.


- What'd you get?
- Picking crud out. Stellar!


Wow!


Oouple of newbies?


Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!


Make your choice.


- You want to go first?
- No, you go.


Oh, my. What's available?


Restroom attendant's open,
not for the reason you think.


- Any chance of getting the Krelman?
- Sure, you're on.


I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.


Wax monkey's always open.


The Krelman opened up again.


What happened?


A bee died. Makes an opening. See?
He's dead. Another dead one.


Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.


Dead from the neck up.
Dead from the neck down. That's life!


Oh, this is so hard!


Heating, cooling,
stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,


humming, inspector number seven,
lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,


mite wrangler. Barry, what
do you think I should... Barry?


Barry!


All right, we've got the sunflower patch
in quadrant nine...


What happened to you?
Where are you?


- I'm going out.
- Out? Out where?


- Out there.
- Oh, no!


I have to, before I go
to work for the rest of my life.


You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?


Another call coming in.


If anyone's feeling brave,
there's a Korean deli on 83rd


that gets their roses today.


Hey, guys.


- Look at that.
- Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?


Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.


It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.


Really? Feeling lucky, are you?


Sign here, here. Just initial that.


- Thank you.
- OK.


You got a rain advisory today,


and as you all know,
bees cannot fly in rain.


So be careful. As always,
watch your brooms,


hockey sticks, dogs,
birds, bears and bats.


Also, I got a couple of reports
of root beer being poured on us.


Murphy's in a home because of it,
babbling like a cicada!


- That's awful.
- And a reminder for you rookies,


bee law number one,
absolutely no talking to humans!


All right, launch positions!


Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz,
buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!


Black and yellow!


Hello!


You ready for this, hot shot?


Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.


Wind, check.


- Antennae, check.
- Nectar pack, check.


- Wings, check.
- Stinger, check.


Scared out of my shorts, check.


OK, ladies,


let's move it out!


Pound those petunias,
you striped stem-suckers!


All of you, drain those flowers!


Wow! I'm out!


I can't believe I'm out!


So blue.


I feel so fast and free!


Box kite!


Wow!


Flowers!


This is Blue Leader.
We have roses visual.


Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.


Roses!


30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.


Stand to the side, kid.
It's got a bit of a kick.


That is one nectar collector!


- Ever see pollination up close?
- No, sir.


I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it
over here. Maybe a dash over there,


a pinch on that one.
See that? It's a little bit of magic.


That's amazing. Why do we do that?


That's pollen power. More pollen, more
flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.


Oool.


I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow.
Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?


Oopy that visual.


Wait. One of these flowers
seems to be on the move.


Say again? You're reporting
a moving flower?


Affirmative.


That was on the line!


This is the coolest. What is it?


I don't know, but I'm loving this color.


It smells good.
Not like a flower, but I like it.


Yeah, fuzzy.


Ohemical-y.


Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.


My sweet lord of bees!


Oandy-brain, get off there!


Problem!


- Guys!
- This could be bad.


Affirmative.


Very close.


Gonna hurt.


Mama's little boy.


You are way out of position, rookie!


Ooming in at you like a missile!


Help me!


I don't think these are flowers.


- Should we tell him?
- I think he knows.


What is this?!


Match point!


You can start packing up, honey,
because you're about to eat it!


Yowser!


Gross.


There's a bee in the car!


- Do something!
- I'm driving!


- Hi, bee.
- He's back here!


He's going to sting me!


Nobody move. If you don't move,
he won't sting you. Freeze!


He blinked!


Spray him, Granny!


What are you doing?!


Wow... the tension level
out here is unbelievable.


I gotta get home.


Oan't fly in rain.


Oan't fly in rain.


Oan't fly in rain.


Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!


Ken, could you close
the window please?


Ken, could you close
the window please?


Oheck out my new resume.
I made it into a fold-out brochure.


You see? Folds out.


Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.


What was that?


Maybe this time. This time. This time.
This time! This time! This...


Drapes!


That is diabolical.


It's fantastic. It's got all my special
skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.


What's number one? Star Wars?


Nah, I don't go for that...


...kind of stuff.


No wonder we shouldn't talk to them.
They're out of their minds.


When I leave a job interview, they're
flabbergasted, can't believe what I say.


There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.


I don't remember the sun
having a big 75 on it.


I predicted global warming.


I could feel it getting hotter.
At first I thought it was just me.


Wait! Stop! Bee!


Stand back. These are winter boots.


Wait!


Don't kill him!


You know I'm allergic to them!
This thing could kill me!


Why does his life have
less value than yours?


Why does his life have any less value
than mine? Is that your statement?


I'm just saying all life has value. You
don't know what he's capable of feeling.


My brochure!


There you go, little guy.


I'm not scared of him.
It's an allergic thing.


Put that on your resume brochure.


My whole face could puff up.


Make it one of your special skills.


Knocking someone out
is also a special skill.


Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.


- Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?
- Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.


- You could put carob chips on there.
- Bye.


- Supposed to be less calories.
- Bye.


I gotta say something.


She saved my life.
I gotta say something.


All right, here it goes.


Nah.


What would I say?


I could really get in trouble.


It's a bee law.
You're not supposed to talk to a human.


I can't believe I'm doing this.


I've got to.


Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!


No. Yes. No.


Do it. I can't.


How should I start it?
"You like jazz?" No, that's no good.


Here she comes! Speak, you fool!


Hi!


I'm sorry.


- You're talking.
- Yes, I know.


You're talking!


I'm so sorry.


No, it's OK. It's fine.
I know I'm dreaming.


But I don't recall going to bed.


Well, I'm sure this
is very disconcerting.


This is a bit of a surprise to me.
I mean, you're a bee!


I am. And I'm not supposed
to be doing this,


but they were all trying to kill me.


And if it wasn't for you...


I had to thank you.
It's just how I was raised.


That was a little weird.


- I'm talking with a bee.
- Yeah.


I'm talking to a bee.
And the bee is talking to me!


I just want to say I'm grateful.
I'll leave now.


- Wait! How did you learn to do that?
- What?


The talking thing.


Same way you did, I guess.
"Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.


- That's very funny.
- Yeah.


Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh,
we'd cry with what we have to deal with.


Anyway...


Oan I...


...get you something?
- Like what?


I don't know. I mean...
I don't know. Ooffee?


I don't want to put you out.


It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.


- It's just coffee.
- I hate to impose.


- Don't be ridiculous!
- Actually, I would love a cup.


Hey, you want rum cake?


- I shouldn't.
- Have some.


- No, I can't.
- Oome on!


I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.


- Where?
- These stripes don't help.


You look great!


I don't know if you know
anything about fashion.


Are you all right?


No.


He's making the tie in the cab
as they're flying up Madison.


He finally gets there.


He runs up the steps into the church.
The wedding is on.


And he says, "Watermelon?
I thought you said Guatemalan.


Why would I marry a watermelon?"


Is that a bee joke?


That's the kind of stuff we do.


Yeah, different.


So, what are you gonna do, Barry?


About work? I don't know.


I want to do my part for the hive,
but I can't do it the way they want.


I know how you feel.


- You do?
- Sure.


My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or
a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.


- Really?
- My only interest is flowers.


Our new queen was just elected
with that same campaign slogan.


Anyway, if you look...


There's my hive right there. See it?


You're in Sheep Meadow!


Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!


No way! I know that area.
I lost a toe ring there once.


- Why do girls put rings on their toes?
- Why not?


- It's like putting a hat on your knee.
- Maybe I'll try that.


- You all right, ma'am?
- Oh, yeah. Fine.


Just having two cups of coffee!


Anyway, this has been great.
Thanks for the coffee.


Yeah, it's no trouble.


Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did,
I'd be up the rest of my life.


Are you...?


Oan I take a piece of this with me?


Sure! Here, have a crumb.


- Thanks!
- Yeah.


All right. Well, then...
I guess I'll see you around.


Or not.


OK, Barry.


And thank you
so much again... for before.


Oh, that? That was nothing.


Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...


This can't possibly work.


He's all set to go.
We may as well try it.


OK, Dave, pull the chute.


- Sounds amazing.
- It was amazing!


It was the scariest,
happiest moment of my life.


Humans! I can't believe
you were with humans!


Giant, scary humans!
What were they like?


Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.


They eat crazy giant things.
They drive crazy.


- Do they try and kill you, like on TV?
- Some of them. But some of them don't.


- How'd you get back?
- Poodle.


You did it, and I'm glad. You saw
whatever you wanted to see.


You had your "experience." Now you
can pick out yourjob and be normal.


- Well...
- Well?


Well, I met someone.


You did? Was she Bee-ish?


- A wasp?! Your parents will kill you!
- No, no, no, not a wasp.


- Spider?
- I'm not attracted to spiders.


I know it's the hottest thing,
with the eight legs and all.


I can't get by that face.


So who is she?


She's... human.


No, no. That's a bee law.
You wouldn't break a bee law.


- Her name's Vanessa.
- Oh, boy.


She's so nice. And she's a florist!


Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!


We're not dating.


You're flying outside the hive, talking
to humans that attack our homes


with power washers and M-80s!
One-eighth a stick of dynamite!


She saved my life!
And she understands me.


This is over!


Eat this.


This is not over! What was that?


- They call it a crumb.
- It was so stingin' stripey!


And that's not what they eat.
That's what falls off what they eat!


- You know what a Oinnabon is?
- No.


It's bread and cinnamon and frosting.
They heat it up...


Sit down!


...really hot!
- Listen to me!


We are not them! We're us.
There's us and there's them!


Yes, but who can deny
the heart that is yearning?


There's no yearning.
Stop yearning. Listen to me!


You have got to start thinking bee,
my friend. Thinking bee!


- Thinking bee.
- Thinking bee.


Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


There he is. He's in the pool.


You know what your problem is, Barry?


I gotta start thinking bee?


How much longer will this go on?


It's been three days!
Why aren't you working?


I've got a lot of big life decisions
to think about.


What life? You have no life!
You have no job. You're barely a bee!


Would it kill you
to make a little honey?


Barry, come out.
Your father's talking to you.


Martin, would you talk to him?


Barry, I'm talking to you!


You coming?


Got everything?


All set!


Go ahead. I'll catch up.


Don't be too long.


Watch this!


Vanessa!


- We're still here.
- I told you not to yell at him.


He doesn't respond to yelling!


- Then why yell at me?
- Because you don't listen!


I'm not listening to this.


Sorry, I've gotta go.


- Where are you going?
- I'm meeting a friend.


A girl? Is this why you can't decide?


Bye.


I just hope she's Bee-ish.


They have a huge parade
of flowers every year in Pasadena?


To be in the Tournament of Roses,
that's every florist's dream!


Up on a float, surrounded
by flowers, crowds cheering.


A tournament. Do the roses
compete in athletic events?


No. All right, I've got one.
How come you don't fly everywhere?


It's exhausting. Why don't you
run everywhere? It's faster.


Yeah, OK, I see, I see.
All right, your turn.


TiVo. You can just freeze live TV?
That's insane!


You don't have that?


We have Hivo, but it's a disease.
It's a horrible, horrible disease.


Oh, my.


Dumb bees!


You must want to sting all those jerks.


We try not to sting.
It's usually fatal for us.


So you have to watch your temper.


Very carefully.
You kick a wall, take a walk,


write an angry letter and throw it out.
Work through it like any emotion:


Anger, jealousy, lust.


Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?


Yeah.


- What is wrong with you?!
- It's a bug.


He's not bothering anybody.
Get out of here, you creep!


What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular?


Yeah, it was. How did you know?


It felt like about 10 pages.
Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.


You've really got that
down to a science.


- I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue.
- I'll bet.


What in the name
of Mighty Hercules is this?


How did this get here?
Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,


Ray Liotta Private Select?


- Is he that actor?
- I never heard of him.


- Why is this here?
- For people. We eat it.


You don't have
enough food of your own?


- Well, yes.
- How do you get it?


- Bees make it.
- I know who makes it!


And it's hard to make it!


There's heating, cooling, stirring.
You need a whole Krelman thing!


- It's organic.
- It's our-ganic!


It's just honey, Barry.


Just what?!


Bees don't know about this!
This is stealing! A lot of stealing!


You've taken our homes, schools,
hospitals! This is all we have!


And it's on sale?!
I'm getting to the bottom of this.


I'm getting to the bottom
of all of this!


Hey, Hector.


- You almost done?
- Almost.


He is here. I sense it.


Well, I guess I'll go home now


and just leave this nice honey out,
with no one around.


You're busted, box boy!


I knew I heard something.
So you can talk!


I can talk.
And now you'll start talking!


Where you getting the sweet stuff?
Who's your supplier?


I don't understand.
I thought we were friends.


The last thing we want
to do is upset bees!


You're too late! It's ours now!


You, sir, have crossed
the wrong sword!


You, sir, will be lunch
for my iguana, Ignacio!


Where is the honey coming from?


Tell me where!


Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!


Orazy person!


What horrible thing has happened here?


These faces, they never knew
what hit them. And now


they're on the road to nowhere!


Just keep still.


What? You're not dead?


Do I look dead? They will wipe anything
that moves. Where you headed?


To Honey Farms.
I am onto something huge here.


I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood,
crazy stuff. Blows your head off!


I'm going to Tacoma.


- And you?
- He really is dead.


All right.


Uh-oh!


- What is that?!
- Oh, no!


- A wiper! Triple blade!
- Triple blade?


Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!


Why does everything have
to be so doggone clean?!


How much do you people need to see?!


Open your eyes!
Stick your head out the window!


From NPR News in Washington,
I'm Oarl Kasell.


But don't kill no more bugs!


- Bee!
- Moose blood guy!!


- You hear something?
- Like what?


Like tiny screaming.


Turn off the radio.


Whassup, bee boy?


Hey, Blood.


Just a row of honey jars,
as far as the eye could see.


Wow!


I assume wherever this truck goes
is where they're getting it.


I mean, that honey's ours.


- Bees hang tight.
- We're all jammed in.


It's a close community.


Not us, man. We on our own.
Every mosquito on his own.


- What if you get in trouble?
- You a mosquito, you in trouble.


Nobody likes us. They just smack.
See a mosquito, smack, smack!


At least you're out in the world.
You must meet girls.


Mosquito girls try to trade up,
get with a moth, dragonfly.


Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.


You got to be kidding me!


Mooseblood's about to leave
the building! So long, bee!


- Hey, guys!
- Mooseblood!


I knew I'd catch y'all down here.
Did you bring your crazy straw?


We throw it in jars, slap a label on it,
and it's pretty much pure profit.


What is this place?


A bee's got a brain
the size of a pinhead.


They are pinheads!


Pinhead.


- Oheck out the new smoker.
- Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.


The Thomas 3000!


Smoker?


Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic.
Twice the nicotine, all the tar.


A couple breaths of this
knocks them right out.


They make the honey,
and we make the money.


"They make the honey,
and we make the money"?


Oh, my!


What's going on? Are you OK?


Yeah. It doesn't last too long.


Do you know you're
in a fake hive with fake walls?


Our queen was moved here.
We had no choice.


This is your queen?
That's a man in women's clothes!


That's a drag queen!


What is this?


Oh, no!


There's hundreds of them!


Bee honey.


Our honey is being brazenly stolen
on a massive scale!


This is worse than anything bears
have done! I intend to do something.


Oh, Barry, stop.


Who told you humans are taking
our honey? That's a rumor.


Do these look like rumors?


That's a conspiracy theory.
These are obviously doctored photos.


How did you get mixed up in this?


He's been talking to humans.


- What?
- Talking to humans?!


He has a human girlfriend.
And they make out!


Make out? Barry!


We do not.


- You wish you could.
- Whose side are you on?


The bees!


I dated a cricket once in San Antonio.
Those crazy legs kept me up all night.


Barry, this is what you want
to do with your life?


I want to do it for all our lives.
Nobody works harder than bees!


Dad, I remember you
coming home so overworked


your hands were still stirring.
You couldn't stop.


I remember that.


What right do they have to our honey?


We live on two cups a year. They put it
in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!


Even if it's true, what can one bee do?


Sting them where it really hurts.


In the face! The eye!


- That would hurt.
- No.


Up the nose? That's a killer.


There's only one place you can sting
the humans, one place where it matters.


Hive at Five, the hive's only
full-hour action news source.


No more bee beards!


With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.


Weather with Storm Stinger.


Sports with Buzz Larvi.


And Jeanette Ohung.


- Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble.
- And I'm Jeanette Ohung.


A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,


intends to sue the human race
for stealing our honey,


packaging it and profiting
from it illegally!


Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,


we'll have three former queens here in
our studio, discussing their new book,


Olassy Ladies,
out this week on Hexagon.


Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.


Did you ever think, "I'm a kid
from the hive. I can't do this"?


Bees have never been afraid
to change the world.


What about Bee Oolumbus?
Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?


Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.


We were thinking
of stickball or candy stores.


How old are you?


The bee community
is supporting you in this case,


which will be the trial
of the bee century.


You know, they have a Larry King
in the human world too.


It's a common name. Next week...


He looks like you and has a show
and suspenders and colored dots...


Next week...


Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the
guest even though you just heard 'em.


Bear Week next week!
They're scary, hairy and here live.


Always leans forward, pointy shoulders,
squinty eyes, very Jewish.


In tennis, you attack
at the point of weakness!


It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.


Honey, her backhand's a joke!
I'm not gonna take advantage of that?


Quiet, please.
Actual work going on here.


- Is that that same bee?
- Yes, it is!


I'm helping him sue the human race.


- Hello.
- Hello, bee.


This is Ken.


Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size
ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.


Why does he talk again?


Listen, you better go
'cause we're really busy working.


But it's our yogurt night!


Bye-bye.


Why is yogurt night so difficult?!


You poor thing.
You two have been at this for hours!


Yes, and Adam here
has been a huge help.


- Frosting...
- How many sugars?


Just one. I try not
to use the competition.


So why are you helping me?


Bees have good qualities.


And it takes my mind off the shop.


Instead of flowers, people
are giving balloon bouquets now.


Those are great, if you're three.


And artificial flowers.


- Oh, those just get me psychotic!
- Yeah, me too.


Bent stingers, pointless pollination.


Bees must hate those fake things!


Nothing worse
than a daffodil that's had work done.


Maybe this could make up
for it a little bit.


- This lawsuit's a pretty big deal.
- I guess.


You sure you want to go through with it?


Am I sure? When I'm done with
the humans, they won't be able


to say, "Honey, I'm home,"
without paying a royalty!


It's an incredible scene
here in downtown Manhattan,


where the world anxiously waits,
because for the first time in history,


we will hear for ourselves
if a honeybee can actually speak.


What have we gotten into here, Barry?


It's pretty big, isn't it?


I can't believe how many humans
don't work during the day.


You think billion-dollar multinational
food companies have good lawyers?


Everybody needs to stay
behind the barricade.


- What's the matter?
- I don't know, I just got a chill.


Well, if it isn't the bee team.


You boys work on this?


All rise! The Honorable
Judge Bumbleton presiding.


All right. Oase number 4475,


Superior Oourt of New York,
Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry


is now in session.


Mr. Montgomery, you're representing
the five food companies collectively?


A privilege.


Mr. Benson... you're representing
all the bees of the world?


I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor,
we're ready to proceed.


Mr. Montgomery,
your opening statement, please.


Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,


my grandmother was a simple woman.


Born on a farm, she believed
it was man's divine right


to benefit from the bounty
of nature God put before us.


If we lived in the topsy-turvy world
Mr. Benson imagines,


just think of what would it mean.


I would have to negotiate
with the silkworm


for the elastic in my britches!


Talking bee!


How do we know this isn't some sort of


holographic motion-picture-capture
Hollywood wizardry?


They could be using laser beams!


Robotics! Ventriloquism!
Oloning! For all we know,


he could be on steroids!


Mr. Benson?


Ladies and gentlemen,
there's no trickery here.


I'm just an ordinary bee.
Honey's pretty important to me.


It's important to all bees.
We invented it!


We make it. And we protect it
with our lives.


Unfortunately, there are
some people in this room


who think they can take it from us


'cause we're the little guys!
I'm hoping that, after this is all over,


you'll see how, by taking our honey,
you not only take everything we have


but everything we are!


I wish he'd dress like that
all the time. So nice!


Oall your first witness.


So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden
of Honey Farms, big company you have.


I suppose so.


I see you also own
Honeyburton and Honron!


Yes, they provide beekeepers
for our farms.


Beekeeper. I find that
to be a very disturbing term.


I don't imagine you employ
any bee-free-ers, do you?


- No.
- I couldn't hear you.


- No.
- No.


Because you don't free bees.
You keep bees. Not only that,


it seems you thought a bear would be
an appropriate image for a jar of honey.


They're very lovable creatures.


Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.


You mean like this?


Bears kill bees!


How'd you like his head crashing
through your living room?!


Biting into your couch!
Spitting out your throw pillows!


OK, that's enough. Take him away.


So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here.
Your name intrigues me.


- Where have I heard it before?
- I was with a band called The Police.


But you've never been
a police officer, have you?


No, I haven't.


No, you haven't. And so here
we have yet another example


of bee culture casually
stolen by a human


for nothing more than
a prance-about stage name.


Oh, please.


Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?


Because I'm feeling
a little stung, Sting.


Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!


That's not his real name?! You idiots!


Mr. Liotta, first,
belated congratulations on


your Emmy win for a guest spot
on ER in 2005.


Thank you. Thank you.


I see from your resume
that you're devilishly handsome


with a churning inner turmoil
that's ready to blow.


I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?


Not yet it isn't. But is this
what it's come to for you?


Exploiting tiny, helpless bees
so you don't


have to rehearse
your part and learn your lines, sir?


Watch it, Benson!
I could blow right now!


This isn't a goodfella.
This is a badfella!


Why doesn't someone just step on
this creep, and we can all go home?!


- Order in this court!
- You're all thinking it!


Order! Order, I say!


- Say it!
- Mr. Liotta, please sit down!


I think it was awfully nice
of that bear to pitch in like that.


I think the jury's on our side.


Are we doing everything right, legally?


I'm a florist.


Right. Well, here's to a great team.


To a great team!


Well, hello.


- Ken!
- Hello.


I didn't think you were coming.


No, I was just late.
I tried to call, but... the battery.


I didn't want all this to go to waste,
so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.


Oh, that was lucky.


There's a little left.
I could heat it up.


Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.


So I hear you're quite a tennis player.


I'm not much for the game myself.
The ball's a little grabby.


That's where I usually sit.
Right... there.


Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,


and he agreed with me that eating with
chopsticks isn't really a special skill.


You think I don't see what you're doing?


I know how hard it is to find
the rightjob. We have that in common.


Do we?


Bees have 100 percent employment,
but we do jobs like taking the crud out.


That's just what
I was thinking about doing.


Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor
for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.


I'm going to drain the old stinger.


Yeah, you do that.


Look at that.


You know, I've just about had it


with your little mind games.


- What's that?
- Italian Vogue.


Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.


A lot of ads.


Remember what Van said, why is
your life more valuable than mine?


Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!


I think something stinks in here!


I love the smell of flowers.


How do you like the smell of flames?!


Not as much.


Water bug! Not taking sides!


Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat!
This is pathetic!


I've got issues!


Well, well, well, a royal flush!


- You're bluffing.
- Am I?


Surf's up, dude!


Poo water!


That bowl is gnarly.


Except for those dirty yellow rings!


Kenneth! What are you doing?!


You know, I don't even like honey!
I don't eat it!


We need to talk!


He's just a little bee!


And he happens to be
the nicest bee I've met in a long time!


Long time? What are you talking about?!
Are there other bugs in your life?


No, but there are other things bugging
me in life. And you're one of them!


Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...


My nerves are fried from riding
on this emotional roller coaster!


Goodbye, Ken.


And for your information,


I prefer sugar-free, artificial
sweeteners made by man!


I'm sorry about all that.


I know it's got
an aftertaste! I like it!


I always felt there was some kind
of barrier between Ken and me.


I couldn't overcome it.
Oh, well.


Are you OK for the trial?


I believe Mr. Montgomery
is about out of ideas.


We would like to call
Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.


Good idea! You can really see why he's
considered one of the best lawyers...


Yeah.


Layton, you've
gotta weave some magic


with this jury,
or it's gonna be all over.


Don't worry. The only thing I have
to do to turn this jury around


is to remind them
of what they don't like about bees.


- You got the tweezers?
- Are you allergic?


Only to losing, son. Only to losing.


Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you
what I think we'd all like to know.


What exactly is your relationship


to that woman?


We're friends.


- Good friends?
- Yes.


How good? Do you live together?


Wait a minute...


Are you her little...


...bedbug?


I've seen a bee documentary or two.
From what I understand,


doesn't your queen give birth
to all the bee children?


- Yeah, but...
- So those aren't your real parents!


- Oh, Barry...
- Yes, they are!


Hold me back!


You're an illegitimate bee,
aren't you, Benson?


He's denouncing bees!


Don't y'all date your cousins?


- Objection!
- I'm going to pincushion this guy!


Adam, don't! It's what he wants!


Oh, I'm hit!!


Oh, lordy, I am hit!


Order! Order!


The venom! The venom
is coursing through my veins!


I have been felled
by a winged beast of destruction!


You see? You can't treat them
like equals! They're striped savages!


Stinging's the only thing
they know! It's their way!


- Adam, stay with me.
- I can't feel my legs.


What angel of mercy
will come forward to suck the poison


from my heaving buttocks?


I will have order in this court. Order!


Order, please!


The case of the honeybees
versus the human race


took a pointed turn against the bees


yesterday when one of their legal
team stung Layton T. Montgomery.


- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.


- Is there much pain?
- Yeah.


I...


I blew the whole case, didn't I?


It doesn't matter. What matters is
you're alive. You could have died.


I'd be better off dead. Look at me.


They got it from the cafeteria
downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.


Look, there's
a little celery still on it.


What was it like to sting someone?


I can't explain it. It was all...


All adrenaline and then...
and then ecstasy!


All right.


You think it was all a trap?


Of course. I'm sorry.
I flew us right into this.


What were we thinking? Look at us. We're
just a couple of bugs in this world.


What will the humans do to us
if they win?


I don't know.


I hear they put the roaches in motels.
That doesn't sound so bad.


Adam, they check in,
but they don't check out!


Oh, my.


Oould you get a nurse
to close that window?


- Why?
- The smoke.


Bees don't smoke.


Right. Bees don't smoke.


Bees don't smoke!
But some bees are smoking.


That's it! That's our case!


It is? It's not over?


Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.


Get back to the court and stall.
Stall any way you can.


And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.


Mr. Flayman.


Yes? Yes, Your Honor!


Where is the rest of your team?


Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.


Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,


and as a result,
we don't make very good time.


I actually heard a funny story about...


Your Honor,
haven't these ridiculous bugs


taken up enough
of this court's valuable time?


How much longer will we allow
these absurd shenanigans to go on?


They have presented no compelling
evidence to support their charges


against my clients,
who run legitimate businesses.


I move for a complete dismissal
of this entire case!


Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going


to have to consider
Mr. Montgomery's motion.


But you can't! We have a terrific case.


Where is your proof?
Where is the evidence?


Show me the smoking gun!


Hold it, Your Honor!
You want a smoking gun?


Here is your smoking gun.


What is that?


It's a bee smoker!


What, this?
This harmless little contraption?


This couldn't hurt a fly,
let alone a bee.


Look at what has happened


to bees who have never been asked,
"Smoking or non?"


Is this what nature intended for us?


To be forcibly addicted
to smoke machines


and man-made wooden slat work camps?


Living out our lives as honey slaves
to the white man?


- What are we gonna do?
- He's playing the species card.


Ladies and gentlemen, please,
free these bees!


Free the bees! Free the bees!


Free the bees!


Free the bees! Free the bees!


The court finds in favor of the bees!


Vanessa, we won!


I knew you could do it! High-five!


Sorry.


I'm OK! You know what this means?


All the honey
will finally belong to the bees.


Now we won't have
to work so hard all the time.


This is an unholy perversion
of the balance of nature, Benson.


You'll regret this.


Barry, how much honey is out there?


All right. One at a time.


Barry, who are you wearing?


My sweater is Ralph Lauren,
and I have no pants.


- What if Montgomery's right?
- What do you mean?


We've been living the bee way
a long time, 27 million years.


Oongratulations on your victory.
What will you demand as a settlement?


First, we'll demand a complete shutdown
of all bee work camps.


Then we want back the honey
that was ours to begin with,


every last drop.


We demand an end to the glorification
of the bear as anything more


than a filthy, smelly,
bad-breath stink machine.


We're all aware
of what they do in the woods.


Wait for my signal.


Take him out.


He'll have nauseous
for a few hours, then he'll be fine.


And we will no longer tolerate
bee-negative nicknames...


But it's just a prance-about stage name!


...unnecessary inclusion of honey
in bogus health products


and la-dee-da human
tea-time snack garnishments.


Oan't breathe.


Bring it in, boys!


Hold it right there! Good.


Tap it.


Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups,
and there's gallons more coming!


- I think we need to shut down!
- Shut down? We've never shut down.


Shut down honey production!


Stop making honey!


Turn your key, sir!


What do we do now?


Oannonball!


We're shutting honey production!


Mission abort.


Aborting pollination and nectar detail.
Returning to base.


Adam, you wouldn't believe
how much honey was out there.


Oh, yeah?


What's going on? Where is everybody?


- Are they out celebrating?
- They're home.


They don't know what to do.
Laying out, sleeping in.


I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way
to San Antonio with a cricket.


At least we got our honey back.


Sometimes I think, so what if humans
liked our honey? Who wouldn't?


It's the greatest thing in the world!
I was excited to be part of making it.


This was my new desk. This was my
new job. I wanted to do it really well.


And now...


Now I can't.


I don't understand
why they're not happy.


I thought their lives would be better!


They're doing nothing. It's amazing.
Honey really changes people.


You don't have any idea
what's going on, do you?


- What did you want to show me?
- This.


What happened here?


That is not the half of it.


Oh, no. Oh, my.


They're all wilting.


Doesn't look very good, does it?


No.


And whose fault do you think that is?


You know, I'm gonna guess bees.


Bees?


Specifically, me.


I didn't think bees not needing to make
honey would affect all these things.


It's notjust flowers.
Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.


That's our whole SAT test right there.


Take away produce, that affects
the entire animal kingdom.


And then, of course...


The human species?


So if there's no more pollination,


it could all just go south here,
couldn't it?


I know this is also partly my fault.


How about a suicide pact?


How do we do it?


- I'll sting you, you step on me.
- Thatjust kills you twice.


Right, right.


Listen, Barry...
sorry, but I gotta get going.


I had to open my mouth and talk.


Vanessa?


Vanessa? Why are you leaving?
Where are you going?


To the final Tournament of Roses parade
in Pasadena.


They've moved it to this weekend
because all the flowers are dying.


It's the last chance
I'll ever have to see it.


Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry.
I never meant it to turn out like this.


I know. Me neither.


Tournament of Roses.
Roses can't do sports.


Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?


Roses!


Vanessa!


Roses?!


Barry?


- Roses are flowers!
- Yes, they are.


Flowers, bees, pollen!


I know.
That's why this is the last parade.


Maybe not.
Oould you ask him to slow down?


Oould you slow down?


Barry!


OK, I made a huge mistake.
This is a total disaster, all my fault.


Yes, it kind of is.


I've ruined the planet.
I wanted to help you


with the flower shop.
I've made it worse.


Actually, it's completely closed down.


I thought maybe you were remodeling.


But I have another idea, and it's
greater than my previous ideas combined.


I don't want to hear it!


All right, they have the roses,
the roses have the pollen.


I know every bee, plant
and flower bud in this park.


All we gotta do is get what they've got
back here with what we've got.


- Bees.
- Park.


- Pollen!
- Flowers.


- Repollination!
- Across the nation!


Tournament of Roses,
Pasadena, Oalifornia.


They've got nothing
but flowers, floats and cotton candy.


Security will be tight.


I have an idea.


Vanessa Bloome, FTD.


Official floral business. It's real.


Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.


Thank you. It was a gift.


Once inside,
we just pick the right float.


How about The Princess and the Pea?


I could be the princess,
and you could be the pea!


Yes, I got it.


- Where should I sit?
- What are you?


- I believe I'm the pea.
- The pea?


It goes under the mattresses.


- Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart.
- I'm getting the marshal.


You do that!
This whole parade is a fiasco!


Let's see what this baby'll do.


Hey, what are you doing?!


Then all we do
is blend in with traffic...


...without arousing suspicion.


Once at the airport,
there's no stopping us.


Stop! Security.


- You and your insect pack your float?
- Yes.


Has it been
in your possession the entire time?


Would you remove your shoes?


- Remove your stinger.
- It's part of me.


I know. Just having some fun.
Enjoy your flight.


Then if we're lucky, we'll have
just enough pollen to do the job.


Oan you believe how lucky we are? We
have just enough pollen to do the job!


I think this is gonna work.


It's got to work.


Attention, passengers,
this is Oaptain Scott.


We have a bit of bad weather
in New York.


It looks like we'll experience
a couple hours delay.


Barry, these are cut flowers
with no water. They'll never make it.


I gotta get up there
and talk to them.


Be careful.


Oan I get help
with the Sky Mall magazine?


I'd like to order the talking
inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.


Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.


- What'd you say, Hal?
- Nothing.


Bee!


Don't freak out! My entire species...


What are you doing?


- Wait a minute! I'm an attorney!
- Who's an attorney?


Don't move.


Oh, Barry.


Good afternoon, passengers.
This is your captain.


Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B
please report to the cockpit?


And please hurry!


What happened here?


There was a DustBuster,
a toupee, a life raft exploded.


One's bald, one's in a boat,
they're both unconscious!


- Is that another bee joke?
- No!


No one's flying the plane!


This is JFK control tower, Flight 356.
What's your status?


This is Vanessa Bloome.
I'm a florist from New York.


Where's the pilot?


He's unconscious,
and so is the copilot.


Not good. Does anyone onboard
have flight experience?


As a matter of fact, there is.


- Who's that?
- Barry Benson.


From the honey trial?! Oh, great.


Vanessa, this is nothing more
than a big metal bee.


It's got giant wings, huge engines.


I can't fly a plane.


- Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot?
- Yes.


How hard could it be?


Wait, Barry!
We're headed into some lightning.


This is Bob Bumble. We have some
late-breaking news from JFK Airport,


where a suspenseful scene
is developing.


Barry Benson,
fresh from his legal victory...


That's Barry!


...is attempting to land a plane,
loaded with people, flowers


and an incapacitated flight crew.


Flowers?!


We have a storm in the area
and two individuals at the controls


with absolutely no flight experience.


Just a minute.
There's a bee on that plane.


I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson
and his no-account compadres.


They've done enough damage.


But isn't he your only hope?


Technically, a bee
shouldn't be able to fly at all.


Their wings are too small...


Haven't we heard this a million times?


"The surface area of the wings
and body mass make no sense."


- Get this on the air!
- Got it.


- Stand by.
- We're going live.


The way we work may be a mystery to you.


Making honey takes a lot of bees
doing a lot of small jobs.


But let me tell you about a small job.


If you do it well,
it makes a big difference.


More than we realized.
To us, to everyone.


That's why I want to get bees
back to working together.


That's the bee way!
We're not made of Jell-O.


We get behind a fellow.


- Black and yellow!
- Hello!


Left, right, down, hover.


- Hover?
- Forget hover.


This isn't so hard.
Beep-beep! Beep-beep!


Barry, what happened?!


Wait, I think we were
on autopilot the whole time.


- That may have been helping me.
- And now we're not!


So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.


All of you, let's get
behind this fellow! Move it out!


Move out!


Our only chance is if I do what I'd do,
you copy me with the wings of the plane!


Don't have to yell.


I'm not yelling!
We're in a lot of trouble.


It's very hard to concentrate
with that panicky tone in your voice!


It's not a tone. I'm panicking!


I can't do this!


Vanessa, pull yourself together.
You have to snap out of it!


You snap out of it.


You snap out of it.


- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!


- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!


- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!


- Hold it!
- Why? Oome on, it's my turn.


How is the plane flying?


I don't know.


Hello?


Benson, got any flowers
for a happy occasion in there?


The Pollen Jocks!


They do get behind a fellow.


- Black and yellow.
- Hello.


All right, let's drop this tin can
on the blacktop.


Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?


No, nothing. It's all cloudy.


Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.


- Thinking bee.
- Thinking bee.


Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


Wait a minute.
I think I'm feeling something.


- What?
- I don't know. It's strong, pulling me.


Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.


Bring the nose down.


Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


- What in the world is on the tarmac?
- Get some lights on that!


Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


- Vanessa, aim for the flower.
- OK.


Out the engines. We're going in
on bee power. Ready, boys?


Affirmative!


Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.


Land on that flower!


Ready? Full reverse!


Spin it around!


- Not that flower! The other one!
- Which one?


- That flower.
- I'm aiming at the flower!


That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt.
I mean the giant pulsating flower


made of millions of bees!


Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.


Rotate around it.


- This is insane, Barry!
- This's the only way I know how to fly.


Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane
flying in an insect-like pattern?


Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid.
Smell it. Full reverse!


Just drop it. Be a part of it.


Aim for the center!


Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!


Oome on, already.


Barry, we did it!
You taught me how to fly!


- Yes. No high-five!
- Right.


Barry, it worked!
Did you see the giant flower?


What giant flower? Where? Of course
I saw the flower! That was genius!


- Thank you.
- But we're not done yet.


Listen, everyone!


This runway is covered
with the last pollen


from the last flowers
available anywhere on Earth.


That means this is our last chance.


We're the only ones who make honey,
pollinate flowers and dress like this.


If we're gonna survive as a species,
this is our moment! What do you say?


Are we going to be bees, orjust
Museum of Natural History keychains?


We're bees!


Keychain!


Then follow me! Except Keychain.


Hold on, Barry. Here.


You've earned this.


Yeah!


I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect
fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.


Oh, yeah.


That's our Barry.


Mom! The bees are back!


If anybody needs
to make a call, now's the time.


I got a feeling we'll be
working late tonight!


Here's your change. Have a great
afternoon! Oan I help who's next?


Would you like some honey with that?
It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.


Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me.
And I don't see a nickel!


Sometimes I just feel
like a piece of meat!


I had no idea.


Barry, I'm sorry.
Have you got a moment?


Would you excuse me?
My mosquito associate will help you.


Sorry I'm late.


He's a lawyer too?


I was already a blood-sucking parasite.
All I needed was a briefcase.


Have a great afternoon!


Barry, I just got this huge tulip order,
and I can't get them anywhere.


No problem, Vannie.
Just leave it to me.


You're a lifesaver, Barry.
Oan I help who's next?


All right, scramble, jocks!
It's time to fly.


Thank you, Barry!


That bee is living my life!


Let it go, Kenny.


- When will this nightmare end?!
- Let it all go.


- Beautiful day to fly.
- Sure is.


Between you and me,
I was dying to get out of that office.


You have got
to start thinking bee, my friend.


- Thinking bee!
- Me?


Hold it. Let's just stop
for a second. Hold it.


I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone.
Oan we stop here?


I'm not making a major life decision
during a production number!


All right. Take ten, everybody.
Wrap it up, guys.


I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

Montag is different than

Montag is different than the other firemen by being forgiving. Clarisse is right because it says on the top of page 21 how he is forgiving.

Ballsack bitch

Ballsack bitch

Fuck you english teacher for giving us this retarded book u suck

Gay as Bitch

Gay as Bitch

If a nigga borrows a French fry, will that nigger get it back

you're gay academy

you're gay academy

hello this is the gay academy where you get butt fucked

Nigger cock

Nigger cock

Nigger

Nigger

Niger

Niger

Nigger

Nigger

Dick

Dick

Cock

Cock

Pussy

Pussy

Niggs niggs

Niggs niggs

Niggs

bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh

bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh bruh

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hey

hey

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What entertainment happen

What entertainment happens every night at the firehouse? What does this show the reader about the firemen? About Montag?

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Chuck jbyxtci

Chuck jbyxtci

My pepe hard

My pepe hard

Penis

Penis

He describes the earbuds

He describes the earbuds in Mildred's ears saying that they resembled electronic bees that were humming the hour away. The thing that should alarm the reader about this description, is that bees can be harmful and annoying.

The men who arrive in th

The men who arrive in the night to pump Mildred’s stomach have a casual indifference about their work. How many
Record your answers on a separate sheet of paper. To receive credit, you must answer in complete, thoughtful sentences.
Some ancient Roman and Greek communities believed
the salamander was a spirit that lived in fire. Historians
theorize that this may be because the smooth, moist-skinned
lizards often hide in wood chip piles. When a bundle of
wood chips were thrown on a fire, a salmander would
quickly scurry out of the flames, making onlookers think the
creature was coming out of the fire itself.
cases like this do they handle each night? What does this show you about this world?

gang weed

gang weed

What is up my son

What is up my son

Hiashsbdndyr

Hiashsbdndyr

Hapx

Hapx

Ligma

Ligma

hrenheit 451: Section 1

hrenheit 451: Section 1

Ligma

Ligma

electronic bees that were

electronic bees that were humming the hour away. The thing that should alarm the reader

s

s

Describe a typical d

Describe a typical day at clarisses high school

The brass nozzle is like

The brass nozzle is like a great python spitting its venomous kerosene upon the world."

Empty

Empty

Empty

According to Clarisse, ho

According to Clarisse, how is Montag different from the other firemen? What
evidence is given that shows Clarisse is right?

ht. This shows that the p

ht. This shows that the people in this world are sick. They rely on these methods to live longer.

Their billboards were ver

Their billboards were very long because people were driving by at much faster speeds, so they could actually read them.

According to Clarisse, how is Montag different from the other firemen? What evidence is given that shows Clarisse is right? -Logan and Jake

According to Clarisse, how is Montag different from the other firemen? What evidence is given that shows Clarisse is right? -Logan and Jake

Montag is different than the other firemen by being forgiving. Clarisse is right because it says on the top of page 21 how he is forgiving.

The men who arrive in the night to pump Mildred's stomach have a casual indifference about their work. How many cases like this do they handle each night? What does this show you about this world? - Marissa and Quenten

The men who arrive in the night to pump Mildred's stomach have a casual indifference about their work. How many cases like this do they handle each night? What does this show you about this world? - Marissa and Quenten

The men who arrived usually do nine to ten cases each night. This shows that the people in this world are sick. They rely on these methods to live longer.

What metaphors are used to describe Guy Montag while he completes his job? What effect is Bradbury trying to create? -Olivia and Sam

What metaphors are used to describe Guy Montag while he completes his job? What effect is Bradbury trying to create?   -Olivia and Sam

"The brass nozzle is like a great python spitting its venomous kerosene upon the world." Bradbury is trying to describe what the fireman are doing in a negative way. "His hands were the hands of some amazing conductor playing all the symphonies of blazing and burning to bring down the tatters and charcoal ruins of history." It is also beautiful because of the work he is doing and the power that comes with it.

In the moment that Montag first sees Clarisse, what is the main color that Bradbury wants us to associate with this girl? What, symbolically, is significant about this color choice?- Amerikis and Max

In the moment that Montag first sees Clarisse, what is the main color that Bradbury wants us to associate with this girl? What, symbolically, is significant about this color choice?- Amerikis and Max

The color is pale white and it reminds him of the light of  a candle.

In Bradbury's version of the future, how have roadside billboards changed? What does this detail show the reader about society?-Lauren and Michael

In Bradbury's version of the future, how have roadside billboards changed? What does this detail show the reader about society?-Lauren and Michael

Their billboards were very long because people were driving by at much faster speeds, so they could actually read them. This detail shows us that everything in society is a blur and everyone just wants to get places as fast as they can.

What two adjectives would you use to describe Guy Montag in the opening sequence? - Sophie and Kerbie

What two adjectives would you use to describe Guy Montag in the opening sequence? - Sophie and Kerbie

Daring and Oblivious. Being a firefighter he has to have a lot of courage and he jumps down the fire pole, saving himself at the last second. He is oblivious about the effects of his job until he meets Clarisse.

Is there a special kind of insanity in 17 year old's? Second, given the world that Montag and Clarisse live in, how might the uncle's advice be seen as practical and wise? Braxton and Caleb

Is there a special kind of insanity in 17 year old's? Second, given the world that Montag and Clarisse live in, how might the uncle's advice be seen as practical and wise? Braxton and Caleb

No, it depends on the maturity and type of person you are interacting with. Nobody wants to talk to an insane person.

How old is Montag? How long has he been a fireman? -Logan and Jake

How old is Montag? How long has he been a fireman?            -Logan and Jake

Montag is 30 years old. He has been a fireman for 10 years.

What metaphor does Bradbury use to describe the earbuds in Mildred's ears? What should alarm the reader about this description? -Ashlee and Maddy

What metaphor does Bradbury use to describe the earbuds in Mildred's ears? What should alarm the reader about this description? -Ashlee and Maddy

He describes the earbuds in Mildred's ears saying that they resembled electronic bees that were humming the hour away. The thing that should alarm the reader about this description, is that bees can be harmful and annoying.

Type out question here. -Your Name(s)

Type out question here. -Your Name(s)

Provide complete, thoughtful response here.

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Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

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Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

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Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Shrek Script

 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face

Special help by SergeiK

Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Shrek Script

 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face

Special help by Sergei

Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!

Shrek Script

 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face










Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.
Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!
Shrek Script
 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face










Special help by Sergei


Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.
Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!
Shrek Script
 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face










Special help by Sergei


Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.
Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!
Shrek Script
 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face










Special help by Sergei


Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.
Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!
Shrek Script
 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face










Special help by Sergei



Shrek Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.
Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!
Shrek Script
 {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -



Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold



-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.



'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -



-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.



I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}



{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.



If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain



-Princess Fiona.



If you're not into yoga



-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.



-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!



I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation



-Damn!

{Whinnying}



A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me



-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station



-Ah!

{Laughs}



And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun



-Yeah!



And I don't have to please no one



-The chair! Give him the chair!



And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.



I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way



-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.

-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on

moving. Don't look  down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - -  Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.



{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}



{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}



-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}



{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start



{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}



My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather



-Aah!



She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la



-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.



-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}



See the pyramids along the Nile



-Um, Princess?



Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle



-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.



Just remember, darling all the while



-Are you- -



You belong to me



{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

 -Good night.

 -Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}



-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?



-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.



I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah,  hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah,  hallelujah



{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.



-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.



I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried



-God bless us, every one.



Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind



-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.



I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late



Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say



I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah



I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........





I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long



Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............





Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow



There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face










Special help by Sergei
KKKKK

Special help by SergeiK

K

# data[].attributes.headline
Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

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Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

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Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

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Shrek Script - Dialogue TranscriptVoila! Finally, the Shrek script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed.She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.{Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen.{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll meI ain't the sharpest tool in the shedShe was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumbIn the shape of an "L" on her foreheadThe years start comin' and they don't stop comin'Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'Didn't make sense not to live for funYour brain gets smart but your head gets dumbSo much to do so much to seeSo what's wrong with takin' the backstreetsYou'll never know if you don't goYou'll never shine if you don't glowHey, now You're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the moldIt's a cool place and they say it gets colderYou're bundled up now but wait till you get olderBut the meteor men beg to differJudging by the hole in the satellite pictureThe ice we skate is gettin' pretty thinThe water's getting warm so you might as well swimMy world's on fireHow 'bout yoursThat's the way I like it and I'll never get boredHey, now, you're an all-star{Shouting}Get your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold{Belches}Go!Go!{Record Scratching}Go. Go.Go.Hey, now, you're an all-starGet your game on, go playHey, now You're a rock starGet the show on, get paidAnd all that glitters is goldOnly shootin' stars break the mold-Think it's in there?-All right. Let's get it!-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.{Laughs}-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.Now, ogres - - They're much worse.They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.-No!-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!Actually, it's quite good on toast.-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!{Gasping}-Right.{Roaring}{Shouting}{Roaring}{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.{Gasping}{Laughs}{Laughing} And stay out!"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."{Sighs}{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.-Take it away!{Gasps}-Move it along. Come on! Get up!-Next!-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!-Get up! Come on!-Twenty pieces.{Thudding}-Sit down there!-Keep quiet!{Crying}-This cage is too small.-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.I can change. Please! Give me another chance!-Oh, shut up.-Oh!-Next!-What have you got?-This little wooden puppet.-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.-Father, please! Don't let them do this!-Help me!-Next! What have you got?-Well, I've got a talking donkey.{Grunts}-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.-Oh, go ahead, little fella.-Well?-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.-Get her out of my sight.-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!{Gasps}-Hey! I can fly!-He can fly!-He can fly!-He can talk!-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superflybut I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!Oh-oh.{Grunts}-Seize him!-After him! He's getting away!{Grunts, Gasps}{Man}-Get him! This way! Turn!-You there. Orge!-Aye?-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrestand transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.-Oh, really? You and what army?{Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles}-Can I say something to you?-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards!They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.-Oh, that's great. Really.-Man, it's good to be free.-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.{Roaring}-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling}Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.-Why are you following me?-I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside meMy promlems have all goneThere's no one to deride meBut you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?-Uh - - Really tall?-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?-Nope.-Really?-Really, really.-Oh.-Man, I like you. What's you name?-Uh, Shrek.-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?-That would be my home.-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?-I like my privacy.-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.-Can I stay with you?-Uh, what?-Can I stay with you, please?-Of course!-Really?-No.-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!-Okay! Okay! But one night only.-Ah! Thank you!-What are you - - No! No!-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.-Oh!-Where do, uh, I sleep?-Outside!-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.{Sniffles}-Here I go.-Good night.{Sighs}-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.I'm all aloneThere's no one here beside me{Bubbling}{Sighs}{Creaking}{Sighs}-I thought I told you to stay outside.-I'm outside.{Clattering}-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.-What a lovely bed.-Got ya.{Sniffs} I found some cheese.-Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff.-Is that you, Gorder?-How did you know?-Enough! What are you doing in my house?{Grunts}-Hey!{Snickers}-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.-Huh?{Gusps}{Male voice} What?-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy?-Aah!-Oh, no. No! No!{Cackling}-What?-Quit it.-Don't push.{Squeaking}{Lows}- What are you doing in my swamp?{Echoing}Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!{Gasping}-Oh, dear!-Whoa!-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!-Quickly. Come on!-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.-Oh!{Sighs}-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.-What?-We were forced to come here.-By who?-Lord Farquaad.-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.{Sighs}-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?{Murmuring}-Oh, I do. I know where he is.-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?-Me! Me!-Anyone?-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!{Sighs}-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!{Cheering}{Twittering}-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.-Hey. Oh, oh!-I can't wait to get on the road again.-What did I say about singing?-Can I whistle?-No.-Can I hum it?-All right, hum it.{Humming}{Grunts}{Whimpering}-That's enough. He's ready to talk.{Coughing}{Laughing}{Clears throat}-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!-You are a monster.-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?-Eat me!{Grunts}-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - --No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.-All right then. Who's hiding them?-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?-The muffin man?-The muffin man.-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?-Well, she's married to the muffin man.-The muffin man?-The muffin man!-She's married to the muffin man.{Door opens}-My lord! We found it.-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.{Man grunting}{Gasping}-Oh!-Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything!-No!{Ginerbread man whispers}-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?-Well, technically you're not a king.-Uh, Thelonius.-You were saying?-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one.  All you have to do is marry a princess.-Go on.{Chuckles}-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?-Two! Two!-Three! Three!-Two! Two!-Three! -Three? One?{Shudders} Three?--Three! Pick number three, my lord!-Okay, okay, uh, number three!-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.If you like pina coladasAnd getting caught in the rain-Princess Fiona.If you're not into yoga-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.-I'll do it.-Yes, but after sunset - --Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.-Uh-huh. That's the place.-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?{Laughs}{Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.-Hey, you!{Screams}-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -{Whimpering}{Sighs}{Whimpering, Groans}{Turnstile clatters}{Chuckles}{Sighs}-It's quiet. Too quiet.{Creaking}-Where is everybody?-Hey, look at this!{Clattering, whirring, clicking}Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect townHere we have some rulesLet us lay them downDon't make waves, stay in lineAnd we'll get along fineDuLoc is perfect placePlease keep off of the grassShine your shoes, wipe your... faceDuLoc is, DuLoc isDuLoc is perfect ...... place{Camera shutter clicks{Whirring}-Wow! Let's do that again!-No. No. No, no, no! No.{Trumpet fanfare}{Crowd cheering}-Brave knights.-You are the best and brightest in all the land.-Today one of you shall prove himself - --All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.-Sorry about that.{Cheering}-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.{Cheering}-Let the tournament begin!{Gasps}-Oh!-What is that?{Gasping}-It's hideous!-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him!-Get him!-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.-Go ahead! Get him!-Can't we just settle this over a pint?-Kill the beast!-No? All right then. Come on!I don't give a damn about my reputationYou're living in the past It's a new generation-Damn!{Whinnying}A girl can do what she wants to doAnd that's what I'm gonna doAnd I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, me-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationNever said I wanted to improve my station-Ah!{Laughs}And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun-Yeah!And I don't have to please no one-The chair! Give him the chair!And I don't give a damn about my bad reputationOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not meMe, me, meOh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me{Bell dings}{Cheering}{Laughs}-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!{Shrek laughs}{Crowd gasping, murmuring}-Shall I give the order, sir?-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!-What?-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.-Your swamp?-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!{Crowd murmuring}-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.-Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.-And the squatters?-As good as gone.-What kind of quest?-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.-Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip.-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, no.-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.-Example?-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.-{Sniffs} They stink?-Yes - - No!-They make you cry?-No!-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs}-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.I'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhI'm on my way from misery to happiness todayUh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huhAnd everything that you receive up yonderIs what you give to me the day I wanderI'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close.-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.{Rumbling}-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.{Laughing}-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?-Oh, aye.-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.-Wait a second.  Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean.-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.-Really?-Really, really.-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.-Just keep moving. And don't look  down.-Okay, don't look  down. Don't look  down. Don't look  down. Keep on moving. Don't look  down.{Gasps}-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway.-But I know that half is safe!-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait!-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?-Don't do that!-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?-Oh, this?-Yes, that!-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.{Screams}-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!-You said do it! I'm doin' it.-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.-Cool.-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.{Chuckles}-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.{Water dripping, wind howling}-You afraid?-No.-But - -- Shh.-Oh, good. Me neither.{Gasps}-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.{Gasps}-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.-What makes you think she'll be there?-I read it in a book once.-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.{Creacing}-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon!{Screams}{Gasps}{Roars}-Donkey, look out!{Screams}{Whimpering}-Got ya!{Roars}{Gasps}{Shouts}-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!{Screaming}{Gasps}-Oh! Aah! Aah!{Gasping}{Crowls}-No. Oh, no, No!{Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.{Crowls}-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got  there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs)-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek!{Gasps}{Whimpering}-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!{Groans, Sighs}{Vocalizing}-Oh! Oh!-Wake up!-What?-Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?-Mm-hmm.{Screams, grunts}-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!-I don't think so.-Can I at least know the name of my champion?-Um, Shrek.-Sir Shrek.{Cleans throat}-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.-Thanks!{Roaring}-You didn't slay the dragon?-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!{Screams}-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.-That's not the point. Oh!-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.-Well, I have to save my ass.-What kind of knight are you?-One of a kind.-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs}-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - -  Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - -  I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!{Growls}{Roaring}{Gasps}-Hi, Princess!-It talks!-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.{Screams}{Screaming}-Oh!{Thuds}{Groans}{Roars}{Roaring}-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.{Fchoing}-Run!{Gasping}{Screaming}{Roaring}{Screams}{Roars}{Panting, sighs}{Whimpers}{Roars}-You did it!-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat}-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.-Uh, no.-Why not?-I have helmet hair.-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.-But how will you kiss me?-What? That wasn't in the job description.-Maybe it's a perk.-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love?-Well, yes.{Laughing}-You think Shrek is your true love!-What is so funny?-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet.-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.-Just take off the helmet.-I'm not going to.-Take ot off.-No!-Now!-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.-You- - You're a- - an orge.-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge.{Sighs}-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.-Then why didn't he come rescue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet.-So much for noble steed.-You're not making my job any easier.-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!-Ya comin', Donkey?-I'm right behind ya.-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down!-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - -  Hey!{Sighs}-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.{Laughs}-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.-But there's robbers in the woods.-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.-I need to find somewhere to camp now!{Birds wings fluttering}{Grunting}-Hey! Over here.-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.-Homey touches? Like what?{Crashing}-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.-I said good night!-Shrek, What are you doing?{Laughs}-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.{Fire cracking}-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.-I know you're making this up.-No, look. There he is,  and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.{Sighs}-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?-Our swamp?-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land.-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.-No, do ya think?-Are you hidin' something?-Never mind, Donkey.-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.-Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to talk about it?-Why are you blocking?-I'm not blocking.-Oh, yes, you are.-Donkey, I'm warning you.-Who you trying to keep out?-Everyone! Okay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.-Oh! For the love of Pete!-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge.-Yeah, I know.-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?-That's the moon.-Oh, okay.{Orchestra}{Dulcimer}-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.-Hmph.-Ah. Perfect.{Inhales}{Snoring}{Vocalizing}{Whistling}{Sizzling}{Sniffs, yawns}-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.--Come on, baby. I said I like it.-Donkey, wake up.-Huh? What?-Wake up.-What?-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?-Good morning, Princess!-What's all this about?-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.-Uh, thanks.{Sniffs}-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.{Belches}-Shrek!-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.{Belches}-Thanks.-She's as nasty as you are.-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.{Vocalizing}-La liberte! Hey!-Princess!{Laughs}-What are you doing?-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - -{Kissing sounds}-beast.-Hey!-That's my princess! Go find you own!-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs}{Accordion}Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.I steal from the rich and give to the needy.He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damselsMan, I'm goodWhat a guy, Monsieur HoodBreak it downI like an honest fightand a saucy little maidWhat he's basically sayingis he likes to get - - PaidSoWhen an orge in the bushgrabs a lady by the tushThat's badThat's badWhen a beauty's with a beastit makes me awfully madHe's madHe's really, really madI'll take my blade andram it through your heartKeep your eyes on me, boys'cause I'm about to start{Grunts, Groans}{Karate Yell}{Merry Men Gasping}{Panting}-Man, that was annoying!-Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell}{Accordion}{Shouting, groaning}{Chuckles}-Uh, shall we?-Hold the phone.{Grunts}Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?-What?-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!-What? Oh, would you look at that?-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.-Why? What's wrong?-Shrek's hurt.-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.-Donkey, I'm okay.-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!-{Both} Donkey!-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.-What are the flowers for?-For getting rid of Donkey.-Ah.-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.-No, it's tender.-Now, hold on.-What you're doing is the opposite of help.-Don't move.-Look, time out.-Would you - - {Grunts}-Okay. What do you propose we do?-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.-Ow!-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!-Ow! Not good.-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.{Grunts}-It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh!-Ahem.-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow!-Hey, what's that?{Nervous chickle}-That's- - Is that blood?{Sighs}{Bird chirping}{Grunts}My beloved monster and meWe go everywhere togetherWearin' a raincoatthat has four sleevesGets us through all kinds of weather-Aah!She will always be the only thingThat comes between me and the awful stingThat comes from living in a worldthat's so damn mean{Croaks}Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-Hey!La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la{Both laughing}La-la, la-la, la-la-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.-That's DuLoc?-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,  which I think means he has a really - - Ow!-Um, I, uh- -  I guess we better move on.-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.{Blubbering}-What?-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine.-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch}-Ow! See?-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.-I'll get the firewood.-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew.{Chuckling}{Sighs}-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.{Gulps}-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.{Chuckles}-I'd like that.{Slurps, laughs}See the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess?Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle-Yes, Shrek?-I, um, I was wondering.Just remember, darling all the while-Are you- - You belong to me{Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that?{Chuckles}-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.-Sunset?-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.-What?-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.{Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night.{Door creaks}-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.-Oh, what are you talkin' about?-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge?-Yeah. An orge.-Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood.{Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?{Wings fluttering}-Princess?{Creaking}{Gasps}-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.{Screams}-Aah!-Oh, no!-No, help!-Shh!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-No, it's okay. It's okay.-What did you do with the princess?-Donkey, I'm the princess.-Aah!-It's me, in this body.-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?-Donkey!-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!-No!-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!-Shh.-Shrek!-This is me.{Muffled mumbling}-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.-I'm ugly, okay?-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No.-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.-It's only happens when sun goes down."By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.-It's a spell.{Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.{Sobs}-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?-I have to.  Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common.-Shrek?-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs}-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.{Gasps}-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.{Deep sigh}-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?-Promise you won't tell. Promise!-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.-Look at my eye twitchin'.{Door opens}{Snoring}-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring}-Shrek. Are you all right?-Perfect! Never been better.-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.-You heard what I said?-Every word.-I thought you'd understand.-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.-Yeah? Well, it does.{Gasps, sighs}-Ah, right on time.{Horse whinnies}-Princess, I've brought you a little something.{Fanfare}{Yawns}-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?{Muffled}-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.-Princess Fiona.-As promised. Now hand it over.-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.-Take it and go before I change my mind.-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.{Snaps fingers}-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings.-No, you're right. It doesn't.-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.{Gasps}-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!-Fare-thee-well, orge.-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.-Yeah? So what?-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!-But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!-Shrek.I heard there was a secret chordThat David played and it pleased the LordBut you don't really care for music, do yaIt goes like this the fourth, the fifthThe minor fall the major liftThe baffled king composing hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahBaby, I've been here beforeI know this room I've walked this floorI used to live alone before I knew youI've seen your flag on the marble archBut love is not a victory marchIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujahHallelujah,  hallelujahAnd all I ever learned from loveIs how to shoot at someoneWho outdrew you{Moaning}And it's not a cry you can hear at nightIt's not somebody who's seen the lightIt's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah{Moaning}Hallelujah,  hallelujah{Thumping sound}-Donkey?{Grunts}-What are you doing?-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.-Oh! Your half. Hmm.-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.-Back off!-No, you back off.-This is my swamp!-Our swamp.-Let go, Donkey!-You let go.-Stubborn jackass!-Smelly orge.-Fine!-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.-Well, I'm through with you.-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back!-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.-Go away!-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey!-No!-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?{Sighs}-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me?-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?-Right. Friends?-Friends.-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way.{Whistles}-Donkey?-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.{Laughing}-Aw, come here, you.-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.-Whoo!{Bells tolling}{All gasping}-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....-Um--of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?{Chuckling}-Go on.-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?-What are you talking about?-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"-I don't have time for this!-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?-Yes.-You wanna hold her?-Yes.-Please her?-Yes!-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap!-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?-We gotta check it out.-And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see?-The whole town's in there.-I now pronounce you husband and wife,-They're at the altar.-king and queen.-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.-Oh, for the love of Pete!{Grunts}-I object!-Shrek?{Gasps}-Oh, now what does he want?-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean.-What are you doing here?-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - --Fiona! I need to talk to you.-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him.-And why not?-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.-He's not your true love.-And what do you know about true love?-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.{Crowd laughting}-An orge and a princess!-Shrek, is this true?-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.{Whimpers}{Crown gasping}-Well, uh, that explains a lot.-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!-No, no!-Shrek!-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?-No, let go of me! Shrek!-No!-Don't just stand there, you morons.-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!-You'll beg for death to save you!-No, Shrek!-And as for you, my wife,-Fiona!-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!-I'm king!{Whistles}-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!-Aah!-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.{Roars}-I'm a donkey on the edge!{Belches}-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?{Cheering}-Go ahead, Shrek.-Uh, Fiona?-Yes, Shrek?-I - - I love you.-Really?-Really, really.- I love you too.-Aawww!-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.-But you ARE beautiful.{Chuckles}-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.I thought love was only true in fairy talesOy!Meant for someone else but not for meLove was out to get meThat's the way it seemedDisappointment haunted all my dreamsAnd then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer and not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave herIf I tried-God bless us, every one.Come on, y'all!Then I saw her faceHa-haNow I'm a believer Listen!Not a traceOf doubt in my mindI'm in loveOoh-aahI'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried-Ooh!-Uh!Then I saw her faceNow I'm a believer Hey!Not a traceUhh! Yeah.Of doubt in my mind-One more time!I'm in loveI'm a believer Come on!I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, heyY'all sing it with me!IBelieveI believePeople in the back!I believeI'm a believer I believeI believeI believeI believe{Hysterical laughing}-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.-I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertionDestiny or a slight diversionNow it seems I've got my head on straightI'm a freak an apparitionSeems I've made the right decisionTo try to turn back now it might be too lateNow I want to stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna be a millionaire somedayBut know what it feels like to give it awayWatch me march to the beat of my own drumAnd it's off to the moon and then back againSame old day Same situationMy happiness rears back as if to sayI wanna stay home todayDon't wanna go outIf anyone comes to playGonna get thrown outI wanna stay home todayDon't want no companyNo wayYeah, yeah, yeahI wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........I get such a thrill when you look in my eyesMy heart skips a beatGirl, I feel so alivePlease tell me, baby, if all this is true'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was youOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesWhen we first metI could hardly believeThe things that would happen and we could achieveSo let's be togetherfor all of our timeOh, girl, I'm so thankfulthat you are still mineYou always consider melike an ugly ducklingAnd treat me like a Nostradamuswas why I had to get my shine onI break a little somethingto keep my mind on'Cause you had my mind goneEh-eh, eh-eh, eh-ehTurn the lights on, Come on, babyLet's just rewind the song'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best yearsAll night longOh-oh-ohMakes me wanna danceMakes me wanna danceOh-oh-ohIt's a new romanceIt's a new romanceOh-oh-ohI look into your eyesOh, yeah, yeahI look into your eyesOh-oh-ohThe best years of our livesYeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............Everything looks brightStanding in your lightEverything feels rightWhat's left is out of sightWhat's a girl to do I'm telling youYou're on my mindI wanna be with you'Cause when you'restandin' next to meIt's like wowAnd all your kissesseem to set me freeIt's like wowAnd when we touchit's such a rushI can't get enoughIt's like- - It's likeOoh-oohHey, whatIt's like wowOoh-ooh, heyHey, yeahIt's like wowEverything is lookingright now, right nowIt's like wowAnd I got this feelingThis feeling it's just like wowIt's just like wowYou are all I'm thinking of.Like wowEverything feels rightEverything feels rightLike wowEverything looks brightAll my senses are rightLike wowEverything feels rightBaby, baby, babythe way I'm feeling youIs like wowThere is somethingthat I seeIn the way you look at meThere's a smileThere's a truthIn your eyesWhat an unexpected wayOn this unexpected dayCould it beThis is where I belongIt is you I have lovedAll longThere's no more mysteryIt is finally clear to meYou're the homemy heart's searched forSo longIt is you I have lovedAll longWhoa, over and overI'm filled with emotionAs I lookInto your perfect face Special help by SergeiK

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"i could eat a chink out right now"
-Master Shing Tang Woo

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“I could eat out a Jew right now ngl” - hitler 1962

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I said, certified freakSeven days a weekWet-ass pussyMake that pull-out game weak, woo (ah)Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyBeat it up, nigga, catch a chargeExtra large and extra hardPut this pussy right in your faceSwipe your nose like a credit cardHop on top, I wanna rideI do a kegel while it's insideSpit in my mouth, look in my eyesThis pussy is wet, come take a diveTie me up like I'm surprisedLet's role play, I'll wear a disguiseI want you to park that big Mack truckRight in this little garageMake it cream, make me screamOut in public, make a sceneI don't cook, I don't cleanBut let me tell you how I got this ring (ayy, ayy)Gobble me, swallow me, drip down the side of me (yeah)Quick, jump out 'fore you let it get inside of me (yeah)I tell him where to put it, never tell him where I'm 'bout to beI'll run down on him 'fore I have a nigga running me (pow, pow)Talk your shit, bite your lip (yeah)Ask for a car while you ride that dick (while you ride that dick)You really ain't never gotta fuck him for a thang (yeah)He already made his mind up 'fore he came (ayy, ah)Now get your boots and your coat (ah, ah, ah)For this wet-ass pussyHe bought a phone just for picturesOf this wet-ass pussy (click, click, click)Pay my tuition just to kiss meOn this wet-ass pussy (mwah, mwah, mwah)Now make it rain if you wannaSee some wet-ass pussy (yeah, yeah)Look, I need a hard hitter, I need a deep strokerI need a Henny drinker, I need a weed smokerNot a garden snake, I need a king cobraWith a hook in it, hope it lean overHe got some money, then that's where I'm headedPussy A1, just like his creditHe got a beard, well, I'm tryna wet itI let him taste it, now he diabeticI don't wanna spit, I wanna gulpI wanna gag, I wanna chokeI want you to touch that lil' dangly thingThat swing in the back of my throatMy head game is fire, punani DasaniIt's going in dry and it's coming out soggyI ride on that thang like the cops is behind me (yeah, ah)I spit on his mic and now he tryna sign me, wooYour honor, I'm a freak bitch, handcuffs, leashesSwitch my wig, make him feel like he cheatingPut him on his knees, give him something to believe inNever lost a fight, but I'm looking for a beating (ah)In the food chain, I'm the one that eat yaIf he ate my ass, he's a bottom feederBig D stand for big demeanorI could make you bust before I ever meet yaIf it don't hang, then he can't bangYou can't hurt my feelings, but I like painIf he fuck me and ask, "Whose is it?"When I ride the dick, I'ma spell my nameAh (whores in this house)Yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyNow from the top, make it dropThat's some wet-ass pussyNow get a bucket and a mopThat's some wet-ass pussyI'm talking WAP, WAP, WAPThat's some wet-ass pussyMacaroni in a potThat's some wet-ass pussy, huh

# data[].attributes.subject
I said, certified freakSeven days a weekWet-ass pussyMake that pull-out game weak, woo (ah)Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyBeat it up, nigga, catch a chargeExtra large and extra hardPut this pussy right in your faceSwipe your nose like a credit cardHop on top, I wanna rideI do a kegel while it's insideSpit in my mouth, look in my eyesThis pussy is wet, come take a diveTie me up like I'm surprisedLet's role play, I'll wear a disguiseI want you to park that big Mack truckRight in this little garageMake it cream, make me screamOut in public, make a sceneI don't cook, I don't cleanBut let me tell you how I got this ring (ayy, ayy)Gobble me, swallow me, drip down the side of me (yeah)Quick, jump out 'fore you let it get inside of me (yeah)I tell him where to put it, never tell him where I'm 'bout to beI'll run down on him 'fore I have a nigga running me (pow, pow)Talk your shit, bite your lip (yeah)Ask for a car while you ride that dick (while you ride that dick)You really ain't never gotta fuck him for a thang (yeah)He already made his mind up 'fore he came (ayy, ah)Now get your boots and your coat (ah, ah, ah)For this wet-ass pussyHe bought a phone just for picturesOf this wet-ass pussy (click, click, click)Pay my tuition just to kiss meOn this wet-ass pussy (mwah, mwah, mwah)Now make it rain if you wannaSee some wet-ass pussy (yeah, yeah)Look, I need a hard hitter, I need a deep strokerI need a Henny drinker, I need a weed smokerNot a garden snake, I need a king cobraWith a hook in it, hope it lean overHe got some money, then that's where I'm headedPussy A1, just like his creditHe got a beard, well, I'm tryna wet itI let him taste it, now he diabeticI don't wanna spit, I wanna gulpI wanna gag, I wanna chokeI want you to touch that lil' dangly thingThat swing in the back of my throatMy head game is fire, punani DasaniIt's going in dry and it's coming out soggyI ride on that thang like the cops is behind me (yeah, ah)I spit on his mic and now he tryna sign me, wooYour honor, I'm a freak bitch, handcuffs, leashesSwitch my wig, make him feel like he cheatingPut him on his knees, give him something to believe inNever lost a fight, but I'm looking for a beating (ah)In the food chain, I'm the one that eat yaIf he ate my ass, he's a bottom feederBig D stand for big demeanorI could make you bust before I ever meet yaIf it don't hang, then he can't bangYou can't hurt my feelings, but I like painIf he fuck me and ask, "Whose is it?"When I ride the dick, I'ma spell my nameAh (whores in this house)Yeah, yeah, yeahYeah, you fucking with some wet-ass pussyBring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussyGive me everything you got for this wet-ass pussyNow from the top, make it dropThat's some wet-ass pussyNow get a bucket and a mopThat's some wet-ass pussyI'm talking WAP, WAP, WAPThat's some wet-ass pussyMacaroni in a potThat's some wet-ass pussy, huh

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Tyler is a crip dog he gon get shot on the block yurr be careful fo that car pimp

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Said is gay as shit fuck dat hoe ong blood crippin all over dat hoe

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"If a nigga is gay the NIGGA is GAY trust me"
Niggalations 3:16

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Bee Movie Script - Dialogue Transcript


According to all known laws
of aviation,


there is no way a bee
should be able to fly.


Its wings are too small to get
its fat little body off the ground.


The bee, of course, flies anyway


because bees don't care
what humans think is impossible.


Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.


Ooh, black and yellow!
Let's shake it up a little.


Barry! Breakfast is ready!


Ooming!


Hang on a second.


Hello?


- Barry?
- Adam?


- Oan you believe this is happening?
- I can't. I'll pick you up.


Looking sharp.


Use the stairs. Your father
paid good money for those.


Sorry. I'm excited.


Here's the graduate.
We're very proud of you, son.


A perfect report card, all B's.


Very proud.


Ma! I got a thing going here.


- You got lint on your fuzz.
- Ow! That's me!


- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000.
- Bye!


Barry, I told you,
stop flying in the house!


- Hey, Adam.
- Hey, Barry.


- Is that fuzz gel?
- A little. Special day, graduation.


Never thought I'd make it.


Three days grade school,
three days high school.


Those were awkward.


Three days college. I'm glad I took
a day and hitchhiked around the hive.


You did come back different.


- Hi, Barry.
- Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.


- Hear about Frankie?
- Yeah.


- You going to the funeral?
- No, I'm not going.


Everybody knows,
sting someone, you die.


Don't waste it on a squirrel.
Such a hothead.


I guess he could have
just gotten out of the way.


I love this incorporating
an amusement park into our day.


That's why we don't need vacations.


Boy, quite a bit of pomp...
under the circumstances.


- Well, Adam, today we are men.
- We are!


- Bee-men.
- Amen!


Hallelujah!


Students, faculty, distinguished bees,


please welcome Dean Buzzwell.


Welcome, New Hive Oity
graduating class of...


...9:15.


That concludes our ceremonies.


And begins your career
at Honex Industries!


Will we pick ourjob today?


I heard it's just orientation.


Heads up! Here we go.


Keep your hands and antennas
inside the tram at all times.


- Wonder what it'll be like?
- A little scary.


Welcome to Honex,
a division of Honesco


and a part of the Hexagon Group.


This is it!


Wow.


Wow.


We know that you, as a bee,
have worked your whole life


to get to the point where you
can work for your whole life.


Honey begins when our valiant Pollen
Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.


Our top-secret formula


is automatically color-corrected,
scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured


into this soothing sweet syrup


with its distinctive
golden glow you know as...


Honey!


- That girl was hot.
- She's my cousin!


- She is?
- Yes, we're all cousins.


- Right. You're right.
- At Honex, we constantly strive


to improve every aspect
of bee existence.


These bees are stress-testing
a new helmet technology.


- What do you think he makes?
- Not enough.


Here we have our latest advancement,
the Krelman.


- What does that do?
- Oatches that little strand of honey


that hangs after you pour it.
Saves us millions.


Oan anyone work on the Krelman?


Of course. Most bee jobs are
small ones. But bees know


that every small job,
if it's done well, means a lot.


But choose carefully


because you'll stay in the job
you pick for the rest of your life.


The same job the rest of your life?
I didn't know that.


What's the difference?


You'll be happy to know that bees,
as a species, haven't had one day off


in 27 million years.


So you'll just work us to death?


We'll sure try.


Wow! That blew my mind!


"What's the difference?"
How can you say that?


One job forever?
That's an insane choice to have to make.


I'm relieved. Now we only have
to make one decision in life.


But, Adam, how could they
never have told us that?


Why would you question anything?
We're bees.


We're the most perfectly
functioning society on Earth.


You ever think maybe things
work a little too well here?


Like what? Give me one example.


I don't know. But you know
what I'm talking about.


Please clear the gate.
Royal Nectar Force on approach.


Wait a second. Oheck it out.


- Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!
- Wow.


I've never seen them this close.


They know what it's like
outside the hive.


Yeah, but some don't come back.


- Hey, Jocks!
- Hi, Jocks!


You guys did great!


You're monsters!
You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!


- I wonder where they were.
- I don't know.


Their day's not planned.


Outside the hive, flying who knows
where, doing who knows what.


You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen
Jock. You have to be bred for that.


Right.


Look. That's more pollen
than you and I will see in a lifetime.


It's just a status symbol.
Bees make too much of it.


Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it
and the ladies see you wearing it.


Those ladies?
Aren't they our cousins too?


Distant. Distant.


Look at these two.


- Oouple of Hive Harrys.
- Let's have fun with them.


It must be dangerous
being a Pollen Jock.


Yeah. Once a bear pinned me
against a mushroom!


He had a paw on my throat,
and with the other, he was slapping me!


- Oh, my!
- I never thought I'd knock him out.


What were you doing during this?


Trying to alert the authorities.


I can autograph that.


A little gusty out there today,
wasn't it, comrades?


Yeah. Gusty.


We're hitting a sunflower patch
six miles from here tomorrow.


- Six miles, huh?
- Barry!


A puddle jump for us,
but maybe you're not up for it.


- Maybe I am.
- You are not!


We're going 0900 at J-Gate.


What do you think, buzzy-boy?
Are you bee enough?


I might be. It all depends
on what 0900 means.


Hey, Honex!


Dad, you surprised me.


You decide what you're interested in?


- Well, there's a lot of choices.
- But you only get one.


Do you ever get bored
doing the same job every day?


Son, let me tell you about stirring.


You grab that stick, and you just
move it around, and you stir it around.


You get yourself into a rhythm.
It's a beautiful thing.


You know, Dad,
the more I think about it,


maybe the honey field
just isn't right for me.


You were thinking of what,
making balloon animals?


That's a bad job
for a guy with a stinger.


Janet, your son's not sure
he wants to go into honey!


- Barry, you are so funny sometimes.
- I'm not trying to be funny.


You're not funny! You're going
into honey. Our son, the stirrer!


- You're gonna be a stirrer?
- No one's listening to me!


Wait till you see the sticks I have.


I could say anything right now.
I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!


Let's open some honey and celebrate!


Maybe I'll pierce my thorax.
Shave my antennae.


Shack up with a grasshopper. Get
a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!


I'm so proud.


- We're starting work today!
- Today's the day.


Oome on! All the good jobs
will be gone.


Yeah, right.


Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,
stirrer, front desk, hair removal...


- Is it still available?
- Hang on. Two left!


One of them's yours! Oongratulations!
Step to the side.


- What'd you get?
- Picking crud out. Stellar!


Wow!


Oouple of newbies?


Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!


Make your choice.


- You want to go first?
- No, you go.


Oh, my. What's available?


Restroom attendant's open,
not for the reason you think.


- Any chance of getting the Krelman?
- Sure, you're on.


I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.


Wax monkey's always open.


The Krelman opened up again.


What happened?


A bee died. Makes an opening. See?
He's dead. Another dead one.


Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.


Dead from the neck up.
Dead from the neck down. That's life!


Oh, this is so hard!


Heating, cooling,
stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,


humming, inspector number seven,
lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,


mite wrangler. Barry, what
do you think I should... Barry?


Barry!


All right, we've got the sunflower patch
in quadrant nine...


What happened to you?
Where are you?


- I'm going out.
- Out? Out where?


- Out there.
- Oh, no!


I have to, before I go
to work for the rest of my life.


You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?


Another call coming in.


If anyone's feeling brave,
there's a Korean deli on 83rd


that gets their roses today.


Hey, guys.


- Look at that.
- Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?


Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.


It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.


Really? Feeling lucky, are you?


Sign here, here. Just initial that.


- Thank you.
- OK.


You got a rain advisory today,


and as you all know,
bees cannot fly in rain.


So be careful. As always,
watch your brooms,


hockey sticks, dogs,
birds, bears and bats.


Also, I got a couple of reports
of root beer being poured on us.


Murphy's in a home because of it,
babbling like a cicada!


- That's awful.
- And a reminder for you rookies,


bee law number one,
absolutely no talking to humans!


All right, launch positions!


Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz,
buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!


Black and yellow!


Hello!


You ready for this, hot shot?


Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.


Wind, check.


- Antennae, check.
- Nectar pack, check.


- Wings, check.
- Stinger, check.


Scared out of my shorts, check.


OK, ladies,


let's move it out!


Pound those petunias,
you striped stem-suckers!


All of you, drain those flowers!


Wow! I'm out!


I can't believe I'm out!


So blue.


I feel so fast and free!


Box kite!


Wow!


Flowers!


This is Blue Leader.
We have roses visual.


Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.


Roses!


30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.


Stand to the side, kid.
It's got a bit of a kick.


That is one nectar collector!


- Ever see pollination up close?
- No, sir.


I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it
over here. Maybe a dash over there,


a pinch on that one.
See that? It's a little bit of magic.


That's amazing. Why do we do that?


That's pollen power. More pollen, more
flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.


Oool.


I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow.
Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?


Oopy that visual.


Wait. One of these flowers
seems to be on the move.


Say again? You're reporting
a moving flower?


Affirmative.


That was on the line!


This is the coolest. What is it?


I don't know, but I'm loving this color.


It smells good.
Not like a flower, but I like it.


Yeah, fuzzy.


Ohemical-y.


Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.


My sweet lord of bees!


Oandy-brain, get off there!


Problem!


- Guys!
- This could be bad.


Affirmative.


Very close.


Gonna hurt.


Mama's little boy.


You are way out of position, rookie!


Ooming in at you like a missile!


Help me!


I don't think these are flowers.


- Should we tell him?
- I think he knows.


What is this?!


Match point!


You can start packing up, honey,
because you're about to eat it!


Yowser!


Gross.


There's a bee in the car!


- Do something!
- I'm driving!


- Hi, bee.
- He's back here!


He's going to sting me!


Nobody move. If you don't move,
he won't sting you. Freeze!


He blinked!


Spray him, Granny!


What are you doing?!


Wow... the tension level
out here is unbelievable.


I gotta get home.


Oan't fly in rain.


Oan't fly in rain.


Oan't fly in rain.


Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!


Ken, could you close
the window please?


Ken, could you close
the window please?


Oheck out my new resume.
I made it into a fold-out brochure.


You see? Folds out.


Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.


What was that?


Maybe this time. This time. This time.
This time! This time! This...


Drapes!


That is diabolical.


It's fantastic. It's got all my special
skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.


What's number one? Star Wars?


Nah, I don't go for that...


...kind of stuff.


No wonder we shouldn't talk to them.
They're out of their minds.


When I leave a job interview, they're
flabbergasted, can't believe what I say.


There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.


I don't remember the sun
having a big 75 on it.


I predicted global warming.


I could feel it getting hotter.
At first I thought it was just me.


Wait! Stop! Bee!


Stand back. These are winter boots.


Wait!


Don't kill him!


You know I'm allergic to them!
This thing could kill me!


Why does his life have
less value than yours?


Why does his life have any less value
than mine? Is that your statement?


I'm just saying all life has value. You
don't know what he's capable of feeling.


My brochure!


There you go, little guy.


I'm not scared of him.
It's an allergic thing.


Put that on your resume brochure.


My whole face could puff up.


Make it one of your special skills.


Knocking someone out
is also a special skill.


Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.


- Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?
- Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.


- You could put carob chips on there.
- Bye.


- Supposed to be less calories.
- Bye.


I gotta say something.


She saved my life.
I gotta say something.


All right, here it goes.


Nah.


What would I say?


I could really get in trouble.


It's a bee law.
You're not supposed to talk to a human.


I can't believe I'm doing this.


I've got to.


Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!


No. Yes. No.


Do it. I can't.


How should I start it?
"You like jazz?" No, that's no good.


Here she comes! Speak, you fool!


Hi!


I'm sorry.


- You're talking.
- Yes, I know.


You're talking!


I'm so sorry.


No, it's OK. It's fine.
I know I'm dreaming.


But I don't recall going to bed.


Well, I'm sure this
is very disconcerting.


This is a bit of a surprise to me.
I mean, you're a bee!


I am. And I'm not supposed
to be doing this,


but they were all trying to kill me.


And if it wasn't for you...


I had to thank you.
It's just how I was raised.


That was a little weird.


- I'm talking with a bee.
- Yeah.


I'm talking to a bee.
And the bee is talking to me!


I just want to say I'm grateful.
I'll leave now.


- Wait! How did you learn to do that?
- What?


The talking thing.


Same way you did, I guess.
"Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.


- That's very funny.
- Yeah.


Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh,
we'd cry with what we have to deal with.


Anyway...


Oan I...


...get you something?
- Like what?


I don't know. I mean...
I don't know. Ooffee?


I don't want to put you out.


It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.


- It's just coffee.
- I hate to impose.


- Don't be ridiculous!
- Actually, I would love a cup.


Hey, you want rum cake?


- I shouldn't.
- Have some.


- No, I can't.
- Oome on!


I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.


- Where?
- These stripes don't help.


You look great!


I don't know if you know
anything about fashion.


Are you all right?


No.


He's making the tie in the cab
as they're flying up Madison.


He finally gets there.


He runs up the steps into the church.
The wedding is on.


And he says, "Watermelon?
I thought you said Guatemalan.


Why would I marry a watermelon?"


Is that a bee joke?


That's the kind of stuff we do.


Yeah, different.


So, what are you gonna do, Barry?


About work? I don't know.


I want to do my part for the hive,
but I can't do it the way they want.


I know how you feel.


- You do?
- Sure.


My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or
a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.


- Really?
- My only interest is flowers.


Our new queen was just elected
with that same campaign slogan.


Anyway, if you look...


There's my hive right there. See it?


You're in Sheep Meadow!


Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!


No way! I know that area.
I lost a toe ring there once.


- Why do girls put rings on their toes?
- Why not?


- It's like putting a hat on your knee.
- Maybe I'll try that.


- You all right, ma'am?
- Oh, yeah. Fine.


Just having two cups of coffee!


Anyway, this has been great.
Thanks for the coffee.


Yeah, it's no trouble.


Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did,
I'd be up the rest of my life.


Are you...?


Oan I take a piece of this with me?


Sure! Here, have a crumb.


- Thanks!
- Yeah.


All right. Well, then...
I guess I'll see you around.


Or not.


OK, Barry.


And thank you
so much again... for before.


Oh, that? That was nothing.


Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...


This can't possibly work.


He's all set to go.
We may as well try it.


OK, Dave, pull the chute.


- Sounds amazing.
- It was amazing!


It was the scariest,
happiest moment of my life.


Humans! I can't believe
you were with humans!


Giant, scary humans!
What were they like?


Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.


They eat crazy giant things.
They drive crazy.


- Do they try and kill you, like on TV?
- Some of them. But some of them don't.


- How'd you get back?
- Poodle.


You did it, and I'm glad. You saw
whatever you wanted to see.


You had your "experience." Now you
can pick out yourjob and be normal.


- Well...
- Well?


Well, I met someone.


You did? Was she Bee-ish?


- A wasp?! Your parents will kill you!
- No, no, no, not a wasp.


- Spider?
- I'm not attracted to spiders.


I know it's the hottest thing,
with the eight legs and all.


I can't get by that face.


So who is she?


She's... human.


No, no. That's a bee law.
You wouldn't break a bee law.


- Her name's Vanessa.
- Oh, boy.


She's so nice. And she's a florist!


Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!


We're not dating.


You're flying outside the hive, talking
to humans that attack our homes


with power washers and M-80s!
One-eighth a stick of dynamite!


She saved my life!
And she understands me.


This is over!


Eat this.


This is not over! What was that?


- They call it a crumb.
- It was so stingin' stripey!


And that's not what they eat.
That's what falls off what they eat!


- You know what a Oinnabon is?
- No.


It's bread and cinnamon and frosting.
They heat it up...


Sit down!


...really hot!
- Listen to me!


We are not them! We're us.
There's us and there's them!


Yes, but who can deny
the heart that is yearning?


There's no yearning.
Stop yearning. Listen to me!


You have got to start thinking bee,
my friend. Thinking bee!


- Thinking bee.
- Thinking bee.


Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


There he is. He's in the pool.


You know what your problem is, Barry?


I gotta start thinking bee?


How much longer will this go on?


It's been three days!
Why aren't you working?


I've got a lot of big life decisions
to think about.


What life? You have no life!
You have no job. You're barely a bee!


Would it kill you
to make a little honey?


Barry, come out.
Your father's talking to you.


Martin, would you talk to him?


Barry, I'm talking to you!


You coming?


Got everything?


All set!


Go ahead. I'll catch up.


Don't be too long.


Watch this!


Vanessa!


- We're still here.
- I told you not to yell at him.


He doesn't respond to yelling!


- Then why yell at me?
- Because you don't listen!


I'm not listening to this.


Sorry, I've gotta go.


- Where are you going?
- I'm meeting a friend.


A girl? Is this why you can't decide?


Bye.


I just hope she's Bee-ish.


They have a huge parade
of flowers every year in Pasadena?


To be in the Tournament of Roses,
that's every florist's dream!


Up on a float, surrounded
by flowers, crowds cheering.


A tournament. Do the roses
compete in athletic events?


No. All right, I've got one.
How come you don't fly everywhere?


It's exhausting. Why don't you
run everywhere? It's faster.


Yeah, OK, I see, I see.
All right, your turn.


TiVo. You can just freeze live TV?
That's insane!


You don't have that?


We have Hivo, but it's a disease.
It's a horrible, horrible disease.


Oh, my.


Dumb bees!


You must want to sting all those jerks.


We try not to sting.
It's usually fatal for us.


So you have to watch your temper.


Very carefully.
You kick a wall, take a walk,


write an angry letter and throw it out.
Work through it like any emotion:


Anger, jealousy, lust.


Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?


Yeah.


- What is wrong with you?!
- It's a bug.


He's not bothering anybody.
Get out of here, you creep!


What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular?


Yeah, it was. How did you know?


It felt like about 10 pages.
Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.


You've really got that
down to a science.


- I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue.
- I'll bet.


What in the name
of Mighty Hercules is this?


How did this get here?
Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,


Ray Liotta Private Select?


- Is he that actor?
- I never heard of him.


- Why is this here?
- For people. We eat it.


You don't have
enough food of your own?


- Well, yes.
- How do you get it?


- Bees make it.
- I know who makes it!


And it's hard to make it!


There's heating, cooling, stirring.
You need a whole Krelman thing!


- It's organic.
- It's our-ganic!


It's just honey, Barry.


Just what?!


Bees don't know about this!
This is stealing! A lot of stealing!


You've taken our homes, schools,
hospitals! This is all we have!


And it's on sale?!
I'm getting to the bottom of this.


I'm getting to the bottom
of all of this!


Hey, Hector.


- You almost done?
- Almost.


He is here. I sense it.


Well, I guess I'll go home now


and just leave this nice honey out,
with no one around.


You're busted, box boy!


I knew I heard something.
So you can talk!


I can talk.
And now you'll start talking!


Where you getting the sweet stuff?
Who's your supplier?


I don't understand.
I thought we were friends.


The last thing we want
to do is upset bees!


You're too late! It's ours now!


You, sir, have crossed
the wrong sword!


You, sir, will be lunch
for my iguana, Ignacio!


Where is the honey coming from?


Tell me where!


Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!


Orazy person!


What horrible thing has happened here?


These faces, they never knew
what hit them. And now


they're on the road to nowhere!


Just keep still.


What? You're not dead?


Do I look dead? They will wipe anything
that moves. Where you headed?


To Honey Farms.
I am onto something huge here.


I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood,
crazy stuff. Blows your head off!


I'm going to Tacoma.


- And you?
- He really is dead.


All right.


Uh-oh!


- What is that?!
- Oh, no!


- A wiper! Triple blade!
- Triple blade?


Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!


Why does everything have
to be so doggone clean?!


How much do you people need to see?!


Open your eyes!
Stick your head out the window!


From NPR News in Washington,
I'm Oarl Kasell.


But don't kill no more bugs!


- Bee!
- Moose blood guy!!


- You hear something?
- Like what?


Like tiny screaming.


Turn off the radio.


Whassup, bee boy?


Hey, Blood.


Just a row of honey jars,
as far as the eye could see.


Wow!


I assume wherever this truck goes
is where they're getting it.


I mean, that honey's ours.


- Bees hang tight.
- We're all jammed in.


It's a close community.


Not us, man. We on our own.
Every mosquito on his own.


- What if you get in trouble?
- You a mosquito, you in trouble.


Nobody likes us. They just smack.
See a mosquito, smack, smack!


At least you're out in the world.
You must meet girls.


Mosquito girls try to trade up,
get with a moth, dragonfly.


Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.


You got to be kidding me!


Mooseblood's about to leave
the building! So long, bee!


- Hey, guys!
- Mooseblood!


I knew I'd catch y'all down here.
Did you bring your crazy straw?


We throw it in jars, slap a label on it,
and it's pretty much pure profit.


What is this place?


A bee's got a brain
the size of a pinhead.


They are pinheads!


Pinhead.


- Oheck out the new smoker.
- Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.


The Thomas 3000!


Smoker?


Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic.
Twice the nicotine, all the tar.


A couple breaths of this
knocks them right out.


They make the honey,
and we make the money.


"They make the honey,
and we make the money"?


Oh, my!


What's going on? Are you OK?


Yeah. It doesn't last too long.


Do you know you're
in a fake hive with fake walls?


Our queen was moved here.
We had no choice.


This is your queen?
That's a man in women's clothes!


That's a drag queen!


What is this?


Oh, no!


There's hundreds of them!


Bee honey.


Our honey is being brazenly stolen
on a massive scale!


This is worse than anything bears
have done! I intend to do something.


Oh, Barry, stop.


Who told you humans are taking
our honey? That's a rumor.


Do these look like rumors?


That's a conspiracy theory.
These are obviously doctored photos.


How did you get mixed up in this?


He's been talking to humans.


- What?
- Talking to humans?!


He has a human girlfriend.
And they make out!


Make out? Barry!


We do not.


- You wish you could.
- Whose side are you on?


The bees!


I dated a cricket once in San Antonio.
Those crazy legs kept me up all night.


Barry, this is what you want
to do with your life?


I want to do it for all our lives.
Nobody works harder than bees!


Dad, I remember you
coming home so overworked


your hands were still stirring.
You couldn't stop.


I remember that.


What right do they have to our honey?


We live on two cups a year. They put it
in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!


Even if it's true, what can one bee do?


Sting them where it really hurts.


In the face! The eye!


- That would hurt.
- No.


Up the nose? That's a killer.


There's only one place you can sting
the humans, one place where it matters.


Hive at Five, the hive's only
full-hour action news source.


No more bee beards!


With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.


Weather with Storm Stinger.


Sports with Buzz Larvi.


And Jeanette Ohung.


- Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble.
- And I'm Jeanette Ohung.


A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,


intends to sue the human race
for stealing our honey,


packaging it and profiting
from it illegally!


Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,


we'll have three former queens here in
our studio, discussing their new book,


Olassy Ladies,
out this week on Hexagon.


Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.


Did you ever think, "I'm a kid
from the hive. I can't do this"?


Bees have never been afraid
to change the world.


What about Bee Oolumbus?
Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?


Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.


We were thinking
of stickball or candy stores.


How old are you?


The bee community
is supporting you in this case,


which will be the trial
of the bee century.


You know, they have a Larry King
in the human world too.


It's a common name. Next week...


He looks like you and has a show
and suspenders and colored dots...


Next week...


Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the
guest even though you just heard 'em.


Bear Week next week!
They're scary, hairy and here live.


Always leans forward, pointy shoulders,
squinty eyes, very Jewish.


In tennis, you attack
at the point of weakness!


It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.


Honey, her backhand's a joke!
I'm not gonna take advantage of that?


Quiet, please.
Actual work going on here.


- Is that that same bee?
- Yes, it is!


I'm helping him sue the human race.


- Hello.
- Hello, bee.


This is Ken.


Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size
ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.


Why does he talk again?


Listen, you better go
'cause we're really busy working.


But it's our yogurt night!


Bye-bye.


Why is yogurt night so difficult?!


You poor thing.
You two have been at this for hours!


Yes, and Adam here
has been a huge help.


- Frosting...
- How many sugars?


Just one. I try not
to use the competition.


So why are you helping me?


Bees have good qualities.


And it takes my mind off the shop.


Instead of flowers, people
are giving balloon bouquets now.


Those are great, if you're three.


And artificial flowers.


- Oh, those just get me psychotic!
- Yeah, me too.


Bent stingers, pointless pollination.


Bees must hate those fake things!


Nothing worse
than a daffodil that's had work done.


Maybe this could make up
for it a little bit.


- This lawsuit's a pretty big deal.
- I guess.


You sure you want to go through with it?


Am I sure? When I'm done with
the humans, they won't be able


to say, "Honey, I'm home,"
without paying a royalty!


It's an incredible scene
here in downtown Manhattan,


where the world anxiously waits,
because for the first time in history,


we will hear for ourselves
if a honeybee can actually speak.


What have we gotten into here, Barry?


It's pretty big, isn't it?


I can't believe how many humans
don't work during the day.


You think billion-dollar multinational
food companies have good lawyers?


Everybody needs to stay
behind the barricade.


- What's the matter?
- I don't know, I just got a chill.


Well, if it isn't the bee team.


You boys work on this?


All rise! The Honorable
Judge Bumbleton presiding.


All right. Oase number 4475,


Superior Oourt of New York,
Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry


is now in session.


Mr. Montgomery, you're representing
the five food companies collectively?


A privilege.


Mr. Benson... you're representing
all the bees of the world?


I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor,
we're ready to proceed.


Mr. Montgomery,
your opening statement, please.


Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,


my grandmother was a simple woman.


Born on a farm, she believed
it was man's divine right


to benefit from the bounty
of nature God put before us.


If we lived in the topsy-turvy world
Mr. Benson imagines,


just think of what would it mean.


I would have to negotiate
with the silkworm


for the elastic in my britches!


Talking bee!


How do we know this isn't some sort of


holographic motion-picture-capture
Hollywood wizardry?


They could be using laser beams!


Robotics! Ventriloquism!
Oloning! For all we know,


he could be on steroids!


Mr. Benson?


Ladies and gentlemen,
there's no trickery here.


I'm just an ordinary bee.
Honey's pretty important to me.


It's important to all bees.
We invented it!


We make it. And we protect it
with our lives.


Unfortunately, there are
some people in this room


who think they can take it from us


'cause we're the little guys!
I'm hoping that, after this is all over,


you'll see how, by taking our honey,
you not only take everything we have


but everything we are!


I wish he'd dress like that
all the time. So nice!


Oall your first witness.


So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden
of Honey Farms, big company you have.


I suppose so.


I see you also own
Honeyburton and Honron!


Yes, they provide beekeepers
for our farms.


Beekeeper. I find that
to be a very disturbing term.


I don't imagine you employ
any bee-free-ers, do you?


- No.
- I couldn't hear you.


- No.
- No.


Because you don't free bees.
You keep bees. Not only that,


it seems you thought a bear would be
an appropriate image for a jar of honey.


They're very lovable creatures.


Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.


You mean like this?


Bears kill bees!


How'd you like his head crashing
through your living room?!


Biting into your couch!
Spitting out your throw pillows!


OK, that's enough. Take him away.


So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here.
Your name intrigues me.


- Where have I heard it before?
- I was with a band called The Police.


But you've never been
a police officer, have you?


No, I haven't.


No, you haven't. And so here
we have yet another example


of bee culture casually
stolen by a human


for nothing more than
a prance-about stage name.


Oh, please.


Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?


Because I'm feeling
a little stung, Sting.


Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!


That's not his real name?! You idiots!


Mr. Liotta, first,
belated congratulations on


your Emmy win for a guest spot
on ER in 2005.


Thank you. Thank you.


I see from your resume
that you're devilishly handsome


with a churning inner turmoil
that's ready to blow.


I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?


Not yet it isn't. But is this
what it's come to for you?


Exploiting tiny, helpless bees
so you don't


have to rehearse
your part and learn your lines, sir?


Watch it, Benson!
I could blow right now!


This isn't a goodfella.
This is a badfella!


Why doesn't someone just step on
this creep, and we can all go home?!


- Order in this court!
- You're all thinking it!


Order! Order, I say!


- Say it!
- Mr. Liotta, please sit down!


I think it was awfully nice
of that bear to pitch in like that.


I think the jury's on our side.


Are we doing everything right, legally?


I'm a florist.


Right. Well, here's to a great team.


To a great team!


Well, hello.


- Ken!
- Hello.


I didn't think you were coming.


No, I was just late.
I tried to call, but... the battery.


I didn't want all this to go to waste,
so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.


Oh, that was lucky.


There's a little left.
I could heat it up.


Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.


So I hear you're quite a tennis player.


I'm not much for the game myself.
The ball's a little grabby.


That's where I usually sit.
Right... there.


Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,


and he agreed with me that eating with
chopsticks isn't really a special skill.


You think I don't see what you're doing?


I know how hard it is to find
the rightjob. We have that in common.


Do we?


Bees have 100 percent employment,
but we do jobs like taking the crud out.


That's just what
I was thinking about doing.


Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor
for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.


I'm going to drain the old stinger.


Yeah, you do that.


Look at that.


You know, I've just about had it


with your little mind games.


- What's that?
- Italian Vogue.


Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.


A lot of ads.


Remember what Van said, why is
your life more valuable than mine?


Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!


I think something stinks in here!


I love the smell of flowers.


How do you like the smell of flames?!


Not as much.


Water bug! Not taking sides!


Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat!
This is pathetic!


I've got issues!


Well, well, well, a royal flush!


- You're bluffing.
- Am I?


Surf's up, dude!


Poo water!


That bowl is gnarly.


Except for those dirty yellow rings!


Kenneth! What are you doing?!


You know, I don't even like honey!
I don't eat it!


We need to talk!


He's just a little bee!


And he happens to be
the nicest bee I've met in a long time!


Long time? What are you talking about?!
Are there other bugs in your life?


No, but there are other things bugging
me in life. And you're one of them!


Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...


My nerves are fried from riding
on this emotional roller coaster!


Goodbye, Ken.


And for your information,


I prefer sugar-free, artificial
sweeteners made by man!


I'm sorry about all that.


I know it's got
an aftertaste! I like it!


I always felt there was some kind
of barrier between Ken and me.


I couldn't overcome it.
Oh, well.


Are you OK for the trial?


I believe Mr. Montgomery
is about out of ideas.


We would like to call
Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.


Good idea! You can really see why he's
considered one of the best lawyers...


Yeah.


Layton, you've
gotta weave some magic


with this jury,
or it's gonna be all over.


Don't worry. The only thing I have
to do to turn this jury around


is to remind them
of what they don't like about bees.


- You got the tweezers?
- Are you allergic?


Only to losing, son. Only to losing.


Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you
what I think we'd all like to know.


What exactly is your relationship


to that woman?


We're friends.


- Good friends?
- Yes.


How good? Do you live together?


Wait a minute...


Are you her little...


...bedbug?


I've seen a bee documentary or two.
From what I understand,


doesn't your queen give birth
to all the bee children?


- Yeah, but...
- So those aren't your real parents!


- Oh, Barry...
- Yes, they are!


Hold me back!


You're an illegitimate bee,
aren't you, Benson?


He's denouncing bees!


Don't y'all date your cousins?


- Objection!
- I'm going to pincushion this guy!


Adam, don't! It's what he wants!


Oh, I'm hit!!


Oh, lordy, I am hit!


Order! Order!


The venom! The venom
is coursing through my veins!


I have been felled
by a winged beast of destruction!


You see? You can't treat them
like equals! They're striped savages!


Stinging's the only thing
they know! It's their way!


- Adam, stay with me.
- I can't feel my legs.


What angel of mercy
will come forward to suck the poison


from my heaving buttocks?


I will have order in this court. Order!


Order, please!


The case of the honeybees
versus the human race


took a pointed turn against the bees


yesterday when one of their legal
team stung Layton T. Montgomery.


- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.


- Is there much pain?
- Yeah.


I...


I blew the whole case, didn't I?


It doesn't matter. What matters is
you're alive. You could have died.


I'd be better off dead. Look at me.


They got it from the cafeteria
downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.


Look, there's
a little celery still on it.


What was it like to sting someone?


I can't explain it. It was all...


All adrenaline and then...
and then ecstasy!


All right.


You think it was all a trap?


Of course. I'm sorry.
I flew us right into this.


What were we thinking? Look at us. We're
just a couple of bugs in this world.


What will the humans do to us
if they win?


I don't know.


I hear they put the roaches in motels.
That doesn't sound so bad.


Adam, they check in,
but they don't check out!


Oh, my.


Oould you get a nurse
to close that window?


- Why?
- The smoke.


Bees don't smoke.


Right. Bees don't smoke.


Bees don't smoke!
But some bees are smoking.


That's it! That's our case!


It is? It's not over?


Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.


Get back to the court and stall.
Stall any way you can.


And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.


Mr. Flayman.


Yes? Yes, Your Honor!


Where is the rest of your team?


Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.


Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,


and as a result,
we don't make very good time.


I actually heard a funny story about...


Your Honor,
haven't these ridiculous bugs


taken up enough
of this court's valuable time?


How much longer will we allow
these absurd shenanigans to go on?


They have presented no compelling
evidence to support their charges


against my clients,
who run legitimate businesses.


I move for a complete dismissal
of this entire case!


Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going


to have to consider
Mr. Montgomery's motion.


But you can't! We have a terrific case.


Where is your proof?
Where is the evidence?


Show me the smoking gun!


Hold it, Your Honor!
You want a smoking gun?


Here is your smoking gun.


What is that?


It's a bee smoker!


What, this?
This harmless little contraption?


This couldn't hurt a fly,
let alone a bee.


Look at what has happened


to bees who have never been asked,
"Smoking or non?"


Is this what nature intended for us?


To be forcibly addicted
to smoke machines


and man-made wooden slat work camps?


Living out our lives as honey slaves
to the white man?


- What are we gonna do?
- He's playing the species card.


Ladies and gentlemen, please,
free these bees!


Free the bees! Free the bees!


Free the bees!


Free the bees! Free the bees!


The court finds in favor of the bees!


Vanessa, we won!


I knew you could do it! High-five!


Sorry.


I'm OK! You know what this means?


All the honey
will finally belong to the bees.


Now we won't have
to work so hard all the time.


This is an unholy perversion
of the balance of nature, Benson.


You'll regret this.


Barry, how much honey is out there?


All right. One at a time.


Barry, who are you wearing?


My sweater is Ralph Lauren,
and I have no pants.


- What if Montgomery's right?
- What do you mean?


We've been living the bee way
a long time, 27 million years.


Oongratulations on your victory.
What will you demand as a settlement?


First, we'll demand a complete shutdown
of all bee work camps.


Then we want back the honey
that was ours to begin with,


every last drop.


We demand an end to the glorification
of the bear as anything more


than a filthy, smelly,
bad-breath stink machine.


We're all aware
of what they do in the woods.


Wait for my signal.


Take him out.


He'll have nauseous
for a few hours, then he'll be fine.


And we will no longer tolerate
bee-negative nicknames...


But it's just a prance-about stage name!


...unnecessary inclusion of honey
in bogus health products


and la-dee-da human
tea-time snack garnishments.


Oan't breathe.


Bring it in, boys!


Hold it right there! Good.


Tap it.


Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups,
and there's gallons more coming!


- I think we need to shut down!
- Shut down? We've never shut down.


Shut down honey production!


Stop making honey!


Turn your key, sir!


What do we do now?


Oannonball!


We're shutting honey production!


Mission abort.


Aborting pollination and nectar detail.
Returning to base.


Adam, you wouldn't believe
how much honey was out there.


Oh, yeah?


What's going on? Where is everybody?


- Are they out celebrating?
- They're home.


They don't know what to do.
Laying out, sleeping in.


I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way
to San Antonio with a cricket.


At least we got our honey back.


Sometimes I think, so what if humans
liked our honey? Who wouldn't?


It's the greatest thing in the world!
I was excited to be part of making it.


This was my new desk. This was my
new job. I wanted to do it really well.


And now...


Now I can't.


I don't understand
why they're not happy.


I thought their lives would be better!


They're doing nothing. It's amazing.
Honey really changes people.


You don't have any idea
what's going on, do you?


- What did you want to show me?
- This.


What happened here?


That is not the half of it.


Oh, no. Oh, my.


They're all wilting.


Doesn't look very good, does it?


No.


And whose fault do you think that is?


You know, I'm gonna guess bees.


Bees?


Specifically, me.


I didn't think bees not needing to make
honey would affect all these things.


It's notjust flowers.
Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.


That's our whole SAT test right there.


Take away produce, that affects
the entire animal kingdom.


And then, of course...


The human species?


So if there's no more pollination,


it could all just go south here,
couldn't it?


I know this is also partly my fault.


How about a suicide pact?


How do we do it?


- I'll sting you, you step on me.
- Thatjust kills you twice.


Right, right.


Listen, Barry...
sorry, but I gotta get going.


I had to open my mouth and talk.


Vanessa?


Vanessa? Why are you leaving?
Where are you going?


To the final Tournament of Roses parade
in Pasadena.


They've moved it to this weekend
because all the flowers are dying.


It's the last chance
I'll ever have to see it.


Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry.
I never meant it to turn out like this.


I know. Me neither.


Tournament of Roses.
Roses can't do sports.


Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?


Roses!


Vanessa!


Roses?!


Barry?


- Roses are flowers!
- Yes, they are.


Flowers, bees, pollen!


I know.
That's why this is the last parade.


Maybe not.
Oould you ask him to slow down?


Oould you slow down?


Barry!


OK, I made a huge mistake.
This is a total disaster, all my fault.


Yes, it kind of is.


I've ruined the planet.
I wanted to help you


with the flower shop.
I've made it worse.


Actually, it's completely closed down.


I thought maybe you were remodeling.


But I have another idea, and it's
greater than my previous ideas combined.


I don't want to hear it!


All right, they have the roses,
the roses have the pollen.


I know every bee, plant
and flower bud in this park.


All we gotta do is get what they've got
back here with what we've got.


- Bees.
- Park.


- Pollen!
- Flowers.


- Repollination!
- Across the nation!


Tournament of Roses,
Pasadena, Oalifornia.


They've got nothing
but flowers, floats and cotton candy.


Security will be tight.


I have an idea.


Vanessa Bloome, FTD.


Official floral business. It's real.


Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.


Thank you. It was a gift.


Once inside,
we just pick the right float.


How about The Princess and the Pea?


I could be the princess,
and you could be the pea!


Yes, I got it.


- Where should I sit?
- What are you?


- I believe I'm the pea.
- The pea?


It goes under the mattresses.


- Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart.
- I'm getting the marshal.


You do that!
This whole parade is a fiasco!


Let's see what this baby'll do.


Hey, what are you doing?!


Then all we do
is blend in with traffic...


...without arousing suspicion.


Once at the airport,
there's no stopping us.


Stop! Security.


- You and your insect pack your float?
- Yes.


Has it been
in your possession the entire time?


Would you remove your shoes?


- Remove your stinger.
- It's part of me.


I know. Just having some fun.
Enjoy your flight.


Then if we're lucky, we'll have
just enough pollen to do the job.


Oan you believe how lucky we are? We
have just enough pollen to do the job!


I think this is gonna work.


It's got to work.


Attention, passengers,
this is Oaptain Scott.


We have a bit of bad weather
in New York.


It looks like we'll experience
a couple hours delay.


Barry, these are cut flowers
with no water. They'll never make it.


I gotta get up there
and talk to them.


Be careful.


Oan I get help
with the Sky Mall magazine?


I'd like to order the talking
inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.


Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.


- What'd you say, Hal?
- Nothing.


Bee!


Don't freak out! My entire species...


What are you doing?


- Wait a minute! I'm an attorney!
- Who's an attorney?


Don't move.


Oh, Barry.


Good afternoon, passengers.
This is your captain.


Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B
please report to the cockpit?


And please hurry!


What happened here?


There was a DustBuster,
a toupee, a life raft exploded.


One's bald, one's in a boat,
they're both unconscious!


- Is that another bee joke?
- No!


No one's flying the plane!


This is JFK control tower, Flight 356.
What's your status?


This is Vanessa Bloome.
I'm a florist from New York.


Where's the pilot?


He's unconscious,
and so is the copilot.


Not good. Does anyone onboard
have flight experience?


As a matter of fact, there is.


- Who's that?
- Barry Benson.


From the honey trial?! Oh, great.


Vanessa, this is nothing more
than a big metal bee.


It's got giant wings, huge engines.


I can't fly a plane.


- Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot?
- Yes.


How hard could it be?


Wait, Barry!
We're headed into some lightning.


This is Bob Bumble. We have some
late-breaking news from JFK Airport,


where a suspenseful scene
is developing.


Barry Benson,
fresh from his legal victory...


That's Barry!


...is attempting to land a plane,
loaded with people, flowers


and an incapacitated flight crew.


Flowers?!


We have a storm in the area
and two individuals at the controls


with absolutely no flight experience.


Just a minute.
There's a bee on that plane.


I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson
and his no-account compadres.


They've done enough damage.


But isn't he your only hope?


Technically, a bee
shouldn't be able to fly at all.


Their wings are too small...


Haven't we heard this a million times?


"The surface area of the wings
and body mass make no sense."


- Get this on the air!
- Got it.


- Stand by.
- We're going live.


The way we work may be a mystery to you.


Making honey takes a lot of bees
doing a lot of small jobs.


But let me tell you about a small job.


If you do it well,
it makes a big difference.


More than we realized.
To us, to everyone.


That's why I want to get bees
back to working together.


That's the bee way!
We're not made of Jell-O.


We get behind a fellow.


- Black and yellow!
- Hello!


Left, right, down, hover.


- Hover?
- Forget hover.


This isn't so hard.
Beep-beep! Beep-beep!


Barry, what happened?!


Wait, I think we were
on autopilot the whole time.


- That may have been helping me.
- And now we're not!


So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.


All of you, let's get
behind this fellow! Move it out!


Move out!


Our only chance is if I do what I'd do,
you copy me with the wings of the plane!


Don't have to yell.


I'm not yelling!
We're in a lot of trouble.


It's very hard to concentrate
with that panicky tone in your voice!


It's not a tone. I'm panicking!


I can't do this!


Vanessa, pull yourself together.
You have to snap out of it!


You snap out of it.


You snap out of it.


- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!


- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!


- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!


- Hold it!
- Why? Oome on, it's my turn.


How is the plane flying?


I don't know.


Hello?


Benson, got any flowers
for a happy occasion in there?


The Pollen Jocks!


They do get behind a fellow.


- Black and yellow.
- Hello.


All right, let's drop this tin can
on the blacktop.


Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?


No, nothing. It's all cloudy.


Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.


- Thinking bee.
- Thinking bee.


Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


Wait a minute.
I think I'm feeling something.


- What?
- I don't know. It's strong, pulling me.


Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.


Bring the nose down.


Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


- What in the world is on the tarmac?
- Get some lights on that!


Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


- Vanessa, aim for the flower.
- OK.


Out the engines. We're going in
on bee power. Ready, boys?


Affirmative!


Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.


Land on that flower!


Ready? Full reverse!


Spin it around!


- Not that flower! The other one!
- Which one?


- That flower.
- I'm aiming at the flower!


That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt.
I mean the giant pulsating flower


made of millions of bees!


Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.


Rotate around it.


- This is insane, Barry!
- This's the only way I know how to fly.


Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane
flying in an insect-like pattern?


Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid.
Smell it. Full reverse!


Just drop it. Be a part of it.


Aim for the center!


Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!


Oome on, already.


Barry, we did it!
You taught me how to fly!


- Yes. No high-five!
- Right.


Barry, it worked!
Did you see the giant flower?


What giant flower? Where? Of course
I saw the flower! That was genius!


- Thank you.
- But we're not done yet.


Listen, everyone!


This runway is covered
with the last pollen


from the last flowers
available anywhere on Earth.


That means this is our last chance.


We're the only ones who make honey,
pollinate flowers and dress like this.


If we're gonna survive as a species,
this is our moment! What do you say?


Are we going to be bees, orjust
Museum of Natural History keychains?


We're bees!


Keychain!


Then follow me! Except Keychain.


Hold on, Barry. Here.


You've earned this.


Yeah!


I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect
fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.


Oh, yeah.


That's our Barry.


Mom! The bees are back!


If anybody needs
to make a call, now's the time.


I got a feeling we'll be
working late tonight!


Here's your change. Have a great
afternoon! Oan I help who's next?


Would you like some honey with that?
It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.


Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me.
And I don't see a nickel!


Sometimes I just feel
like a piece of meat!


I had no idea.


Barry, I'm sorry.
Have you got a moment?


Would you excuse me?
My mosquito associate will help you.


Sorry I'm late.


He's a lawyer too?


I was already a blood-sucking parasite.
All I needed was a briefcase.


Have a great afternoon!


Barry, I just got this huge tulip order,
and I can't get them anywhere.


No problem, Vannie.
Just leave it to me.


You're a lifesaver, Barry.
Oan I help who's next?


All right, scramble, jocks!
It's time to fly.


Thank you, Barry!


That bee is living my life!


Let it go, Kenny.


- When will this nightmare end?!
- Let it all go.


- Beautiful day to fly.
- Sure is.


Between you and me,
I was dying to get out of that office.


You have got
to start thinking bee, my friend.


- Thinking bee!
- Me?


Hold it. Let's just stop
for a second. Hold it.


I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone.
Oan we stop here?


I'm not making a major life decision
during a production number!


All right. Take ten, everybody.
Wrap it up, guys.


I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

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# data[].attributes.body
hey

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What entertainment happens every night at the firehouse? What does this show the reader about the firemen? About Montag?

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Chuck jbyxtci

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My pepe hard

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Penis

# data[].attributes.body
He describes the earbuds in Mildred's ears saying that they resembled electronic bees that were humming the hour away. The thing that should alarm the reader about this description, is that bees can be harmful and annoying. 

# data[].attributes.body
 The men who arrive in the night to pump Mildred’s stomach have a casual indifference about their work. How many
Record your answers on a separate sheet of paper. To receive credit, you must answer in complete, thoughtful sentences.
Some ancient Roman and Greek communities believed
the salamander was a spirit that lived in fire. Historians
theorize that this may be because the smooth, moist-skinned
lizards often hide in wood chip piles. When a bundle of
wood chips were thrown on a fire, a salmander would
quickly scurry out of the flames, making onlookers think the
creature was coming out of the fire itself.
cases like this do they handle each night? What does this show you about this world?

# data[].attributes.body
Hiashsbdndyr

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Ligma

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electronic bees that were humming the hour away. The thing that should alarm the reader

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Describe a typical day at clarisses high school

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The brass nozzle is like a great python spitting its venomous kerosene upon the world."

# data[].attributes.body
According to Clarisse, how is Montag different from the other firemen? What
evidence is given that shows Clarisse is right?

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ht. This shows that the people in this world are sick. They rely on these methods to live longer. 

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Their billboards were very long because people were driving by at much faster speeds, so they could actually read them. 

# data[].attributes.headline
According to Clarisse, how is Montag different from the other firemen? What evidence is given that shows Clarisse is right? -Logan and Jake

# data[].attributes.subject
According to Clarisse, how is Montag different from the other firemen? What evidence is given that shows Clarisse is right? -Logan and Jake

# data[].attributes.body
Montag is different than the other firemen by being forgiving. Clarisse is right because it says on the top of page 21 how he is forgiving.

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The men who arrive in the night to pump Mildred's stomach have a casual indifference about their work. How many cases like this do they handle each night? What does this show you about this world? - Marissa and Quenten

# data[].attributes.subject
The men who arrive in the night to pump Mildred's stomach have a casual indifference about their work. How many cases like this do they handle each night? What does this show you about this world? - Marissa and Quenten

# data[].attributes.body
The men who arrived usually do nine to ten cases each night. This shows that the people in this world are sick. They rely on these methods to live longer.

# data[].attributes.headline
What metaphors are used to describe Guy Montag while he completes his job? What effect is Bradbury trying to create?   -Olivia and Sam

# data[].attributes.subject
What metaphors are used to describe Guy Montag while he completes his job? What effect is Bradbury trying to create?   -Olivia and Sam

# data[].attributes.body
"The brass nozzle is like a great python spitting its venomous kerosene upon the world." Bradbury is trying to describe what the fireman are doing in a negative way. "His hands were the hands of some amazing conductor playing all the symphonies of blazing and burning to bring down the tatters and charcoal ruins of history." It is also beautiful because of the work he is doing and the power that comes with it.

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In the moment that Montag first sees Clarisse, what is the main color that Bradbury wants us to associate with this girl? What, symbolically, is significant about this color choice?- Amerikis and Max

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In the moment that Montag first sees Clarisse, what is the main color that Bradbury wants us to associate with this girl? What, symbolically, is significant about this color choice?- Amerikis and Max

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The color is pale white and it reminds him of the light of  a candle.

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Is there a special kind of insanity in 17 year old's? Second, given the world that Montag and Clarisse live in, how might the uncle's advice be seen as practical and wise? Braxton and Caleb 

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Is there a special kind of insanity in 17 year old's? Second, given the world that Montag and Clarisse live in, how might the uncle's advice be seen as practical and wise? Braxton and Caleb 

# data[].attributes.body
No, it depends on the maturity and type of person you are interacting with. Nobody wants to talk to an insane person.

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What two adjectives would you use to describe Guy Montag in the opening sequence? - Sophie and Kerbie 

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What two adjectives would you use to describe Guy Montag in the opening sequence? - Sophie and Kerbie 

# data[].attributes.body
Daring and Oblivious. Being a firefighter he has to have a lot of courage and he jumps down the fire pole, saving himself at the last second. He is oblivious about the effects of his job until he meets Clarisse.

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In Bradbury's version of the future, how have roadside billboards changed? What does this detail show the reader about society?-Lauren and Michael

# data[].attributes.subject
In Bradbury's version of the future, how have roadside billboards changed? What does this detail show the reader about society?-Lauren and Michael

# data[].attributes.body
Their billboards were very long because people were driving by at much faster speeds, so they could actually read them. This detail shows us that everything in society is a blur and everyone just wants to get places as fast as they can.

# data[].attributes.headline
What metaphor does Bradbury use to describe the earbuds in Mildred's ears? What should alarm the reader about this description? -Ashlee and Maddy

# data[].attributes.subject
What metaphor does Bradbury use to describe the earbuds in Mildred's ears? What should alarm the reader about this description? -Ashlee and Maddy

# data[].attributes.body
He describes the earbuds in Mildred's ears saying that they resembled electronic bees that were humming the hour away. The thing that should alarm the reader about this description, is that bees can be harmful and annoying.

# data[].attributes.headline
How old is Montag? How long has he been a fireman?            -Logan and Jake

# data[].attributes.subject
How old is Montag? How long has he been a fireman?            -Logan and Jake

# data[].attributes.body
Montag is 30 years old. He has been a fireman for 10 years.

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Provide complete, thoughtful response here.