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Icebreaker

Any Size

Grades 1-2

None

Under 10 minutes

Development Goal

To share and learn about one another and to increase social comfort.

Skills Practiced: Speaking and listening

Before You Start

Demonstrate what one round will look like

Lead a discussion about attentive listening before beginning the activity. Help students define what "attentive listening" means and what it looks like. It is fully hearing what the other person is saying without interrupting and not thinking about your own thing or how you want to respond while being spoken to. It includes facing the person who is speaking, making eye contact, nodding or other physical responses to what is being said, etc.

Make sure students know if they are A or B.

Set Up

A space for everyone to stand in pairs.

How to Play

Group student in groups of two and decide who student A is and who is student B.

Student A silently listens to student B for one minute (or shorter for younger groups).

Student B finishes off the sentence, "If you really knew me, you would know that..." What is being shared about themselves can range from

Family information- "If you really knew me you would know that I am the youngest of 4 siblings."

School information -"If you really knew me you would know that my favorite topic in school is Art."

Favorite/ least favorite things- "If you really knew me you would know that I hate broccoli."

Anything else they want to share about themselves.

Student B repeats this sentence over and over again completing it with a new piece of information each time. After a minute the roles are reversed and student B listens while student A shares.

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Icebreaker Any Size Grades 1-2 None Under 10 minutes To share and learn about one another and to increase social comfort. Skills Practiced: Speaking and listening Demonstrate what one round will look like Lead a discussion about attentive listening before beginning the activity. Help students define what "attentive listening" means and what it looks like.

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Listening Game - Guess The Sound | Help Children Improve Listening Skills and Improve Attention

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I Need a Lunch box - Kindergarten Read Aloud

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Communication Skills: Empathetic Listening - Inside Out, 2015

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As children go through their day, they experience many moments of exhilaration and frustration. Often the quality of your day can feel tied to your children's roller-coaster of emotions. One way that you can keep yourself on an even ride is to learn how to steady their ups-and-downs.

Listening to your children is the chief skill you can use. You can hear their disappointment when they do not make the team; you can accept their frustration when their plans do not work out; and you can acknowledge their dissatisfaction when they complain that their friends have more freedoms than they do.

It can feel like a relief to learn that you do not need to "fix" everything for your children.

By listening to them, you are communicating that they are worthy of your attention.

By hearing their distress, you are demonstrating that their view of the world has merit.

By allowing them time to decide their course of action, you are indicating your trust in their ability to solve problems.

Active Listening is the single most important skill you can have in your parenting "toolbelt." It is a specific form of communication that lets another person know that you are "with them," aware of what they are saying, accepting of their perspective, and appreciative of their situation.

Really listening to your children is the best way to create a caring relationship in which they see you as being "in their corner" and as a base to which they can always return when they need support.

Having this secure relationship is one of the strongest factors in helping your children to become resilient, responsible, and caring people who are open to your love and your guidance.

Acceptance is key

When you are active listening, there is no judgment or evaluation of what the speaker is saying. Often parents resist at this point, thinking that Active Listening implies that you are agreeing with whatever your children are saying.
But accepting is not the same as agreeing.

For example, your child may declare angrily, " I was the only one in the class not invited to the party." While you may know this statement to be untrue, you can accept that your child feels left out by saying, "You are upset that you weren't included."

Had you countered your child's statement with " I know Joshua wasn't invited," you may have gotten into an argument over Joshua's social status. By accepting your child's view, you free him up to focus on his own feelings, perhaps even clarifying his own thoughts. " She only invited the 'cool' kids."

Acceptance is the heart and soul of Active Listening. It is not the time to object, teach, help your children to solve a problem, or ask a ton of questions. This is a time to let your children talk without interruptions or judgment, while you listen to what they have to say.

Practice makes perfect

Active listening is a very sophisticated skill that can take years to master.

Because you may not have been raised in a home in which this kind of listening was practiced and because very little of it occurs in our fast-paced, solution-oriented society, it can feel like you are learning a second language.

It is no wonder that when you first begin to practice this skill, it can feel forced, unnatural, and uncomfortable.

Examples

To get a feel for Active Listening, read the following three scenarios which show how three different parents could respond to the same situation that their 10-year-old daughter wants to discuss.

As you read, please think about how the parent and the child are feeling and how the parent's responses affect the relationship between them.

Scenario 1:

Daughter: (sounding glum) I don't want to go to school today. It's boring.

Mother: (said roughly) Of course you want to go to school today. You have Physical Education today and you always love that.

Daughter: No I don't. Besides we're playing basketball and I hate that.

Mother: Well, you better learn to like it, and to like school too. You don't have a choice, you know. You have to go to school. Everyone has to do things they don't want to do and you are no different.

Daughter: (Slinks away, dejected with shoulders and head hanging down, whimpering) I hate school and I hate gym.

This parent seemed annoyed, angry, and impatient, and didn't want to hear that the child hated school. The child felt that her mother wasn't listening to her and would eventually learn not to turn to this mother for support.

Scenario 2:

Daughter: (sounding glum) I don't want to go to school today. It's boring.

Mother: (sugary) Oh, that's awful. School shouldn't be boring. You are so bright, you need a lot of exciting things going on to keep your interest.

Daughter: Well, I hate school and I don't want to go.

Mother: I'm going to just go right up to school and tell Mrs. Tanner that she has to make up special lessons that will keep you interested.

Daughter: No, Mom, don't do that! I'll be fine in school. I'm going to do my homework now. Please don't talk to Mrs. Tanner.

This mother jumped right in with praise for her daughter and a solution to the problem. She seemed unable to tolerate that her daughter might be unhappy. The child didn't want her mother's intervention and decided she was better off not talking to her.

This daughter probably will not continue to turn to her mother if she is unhappy in the future.

Scenario 3:

Daughter: (sounding glum) I don't want to go to school today. It's boring.

Mother: You're not happy at school because it isn't interesting to you.

Daughter: Yeah. Nobody likes it. And the kids don't listen to the teacher when she tells them to do something.

Mother: It bothers you that the other kids don't behave.

Daughter: They are mean to me and some other kids - when the teacher isn't looking, they throw rolled up pieces of paper at me. I hate that. And Mrs. Tanner doesn't even know what's going on. She is so lame.

Mother: You're really angry at the kids and feel so let down that your teacher doesn't even do anything about it. You would expect the teacher to know what is happening in the room.

Daughter: Yeah. I want to let her know what the other kids are doing.

This mother did not get angry and she didn't jump in with solutions. Here's what she did that helped her daughter deal with the situation:

She listened without judging.

She tuned in to what the daughter was saying and feeling.

She kept herself separate from the situation her daughter was describing.

She was able to tolerate the daughter's sad, angry, and disappointed feelings.

As a result, the child was able to talk about the situation in the classroom in more detail, and the mother found out what was really bothering her daughter.

This last scenario is an example of how Active Listening can help empower your child by aiding her in getting clear about what her feelings are and even in coming to some decisions on her own about how she wants to handle a situation. Ultimately it brings this parent and child closer together.

Why is Active Listening Difficult?

There are certain attitudes you need when you actively listen to your children, and as a parent, these are sometimes hard to summon.

You may have your own agendas for how you want their situations resolved.

You may feel uncomfortable when your children are experiencing something unpleasant.

You may not like when they have certain negative or painful feelings.

You may have a hard time separating your feelings from theirs.

Necessary Attitudes

With time being a valuable commodity in your busy life, easy and quick solutions may be desirable, and taking the time to listen may seem like an inconvenient chore. But it is important to strive to achieve the following attitudes:

However, the real goal of active listening is for the speaker to feel heard and have a safe place to vent and talk, and for the relationship between the speaker and listener to be deepened.

Sometimes, there is not any way to "fix" the situation, but, just by listening, your child knows that at least one person in the world cares about him and is on his side.

Active Listening is the best parenting tool when you:

sense strong feelings on the part of your child.

think that your child needs to vent emotions, feel understood, or have an opportunity to clarify his thoughts by talking with an accepting person.

are not involved personally in the situation - the situation is not your problem and you can stay separate and objective.

Active Listening would NOT be appropriate when:

your child needs information, not someone to listen to him.

For example, if your child asks what time he has to be home for dinner, you wouldn't respond with: "You're wondering what time you need to be home for dinner." Rather, you would just answer his question.

your child is more in need of reassurance, praise or discipline.

Obviously, if your child is about to hit his younger brother over the head with a toy truck, you would not say: "You're really angry with Sean right now." Rather, you would take action; you can listen to how angry your son is after you have secured Sean's safety.

you feel resistance and your child does not want to talk. At times like that, you can say, " I'm here for you whenever you do want to talk."

you have some investment in the outcome of the situation or any decision your child makes.

In Scenario 1 above, the mother wanted her daughter to go to school, so she was not able to hear anything beyond the daughter's statement that she did not want to go.

you have strong feelings on the subject so you cannot remain objective and separate.

In Scenario 2, the mother was not able to listen to her child's negative feelings of being bored and not liking school; she took as a personal affront that the teacher was not providing enough stimulation for her very smart daughter.

you are too needy yourself or feel too drained to give the time and energy needed to focus on your child. Don't force yourself. It is better to be honest that you are too tired to give your child your full attention than to be distracted and have him misinterpret your response as a lack of caring.

For example, "I hear how angry you are with your brother. I've had a really long day and can't give you my full attention right now. I need to rest and then I can listen to you about what happened."

Remember that Active Listening to your children is one of the most important gifts you can give them. It can help you create a very special and supportive bond with them in which you both feel a heightened sense of self-esteem and closeness.

If you are non-judgmental and accepting of what is on their minds, they will feel more comfortable opening up to you and will have a trustworthy place where they can explore their reactions and feelings.

By becoming a safe haven for your children, they will see you as someone they can turn to in difficult situations, even during the teen years when they could face difficult and complicated life choices.

Listening involves paying full attention to what your children have to say.

It means turning off the running dialog that goes on in your head - the one where you are so busy thinking about all the things you need to do or should be doing or you are so busy thinking of the perfect response to your children that you miss half of what they are saying to you.

If you are too busy at the moment to listen, then you can set an appointment with your child to talk at a later time.

For example, " I need to make a few phone calls before 5:00, but after I am finished, I am all yours."

It is important that you keep your commitment and don't get involved in another activity. You want to communicate to your child that he is important and that you care about his thoughts, feelings, and struggles.

Five different ways to Active Listen

A non-verbal listening response involves little or no verbal activity, but you show attentiveness by nodding and making facial expressions in response to your children's statements. Non-verbal responses also include such 'comments' as "I see" or "Uh hum."

Through body language, you can convey to them that you are interested in what they have to say and are willing to take the time to listen.

When you sense that your children want to talk, you set aside what you are doing, establish eye contact or lean forward to indicate you are listening, and don't answer the phone or look at your mobile device.

These non-verbal responses can be represented by a ticket to a movie - in which you are watching and listening and attending, but not speaking.

Content Response

A content listening response reflects back to your children the content of what you heard. This should be a paraphrase and not a parroting, which can be annoying and can sound false.

For example, when a child says, "I can't sleep because I think a monster is going to get me," a content listening response would be: "When you think there is a monster who might hurt you, you can't get to sleep."

These Content Responses can be represented by a mirror because you are reflecting back what your children have said to you.

Feeling Response

A feeling listening response focuses on the emotions you think your children might be experiencing. Notice the word "think" - the tone for any Active Listening response is usually tentative, almost as if it ended with a question mark, as if you are checking with your children that you accurately picked up the feeling underlying the words.

A feeling listening response to the child who can't sleep would be: "When you think a monster might get you, you are too scared to go to sleep."

These feeling responses can be represented by a trash can, in which your children can dump their feelings when they vent.

A caution: While it is important to allow your children to vent and share their feelings, if recounting the story over and over seems to escalate their emotions - rather than help dissipate them - you need to stop the rant.

For example, "I know how upset you are. I think you need to take some time to calm down and then we can talk some more."

Clarifying Response

A clarifying listening response takes a much broader or deeper view of the situation your children are facing, offers other possible reactions and identifies potential needs, values, expectations, wishes, and underlying issues.

A clarifying listening response to the child worried about the monster would be: "Thinking there is a monster somewhere around makes you feel as though you have to stay awake so he can't get you; if you fall asleep, you worry you won't be able to protect yourself."

Clarifying Responses can be represented by a calculator which helps someone to process information.

Universal Truth Response

When you use a universal truth listening response with your children, you are offering a broad commentary about the situation that reflects their needs, feelings, or experience. Often these responses are ways to teach your children a principle about life that relates to the situation and their reactions to it.

Such statements can give your children food for thought as far as processing the situation and can help them to feel less alone. After all, you are telling your children that others have walked in their shoes and gone before them. Making your statement in the third person makes it seem more objective.

A Universal Truth listening response to the frightened child might be: "People can be afraid even if they have been told over and over that there is nothing to be afraid of. The feelings just stay even if the person knows in his head that what he is afraid of really isn't there."

These responses can be represented by the world since you are giving your children universal truths which tell them that other people often react in the same way as they have to a similar situation.

Five Healthy Non-Listening Responses

There are five responses that are healthy and appropriate at certain times, but they are not active listening. As a parent, you want your children to be happy, and the hardest thing to do is listen to their struggles - you want to do something. However, your actions may get in the way.

There is definitely a time and place for the following responses; but since they are not Active Listening responses, they will not necessarily help your children to explore a situation and come to their own decisions about how to handle it. They do not allow your children to vent their feelings; in fact, they can cut off discussions.

And they do not necessarily enhance your relationship with your children in the same way that Active Listening can, encouraging closeness, respect and ultimately, independence.

Below are the common traps that parents fall into when trying to listen to their children.

Reassuring

You want to promise your children that it will all be okay in the end, it's not such a big deal, and things will work out for the best. While their problems may seem small and easily rectified to you, they don't seem so to your children.
By reassuring your children too quickly, you minimize the problem and stop the conversation.
You want to tell your children that they are fully capable of handling the situation. But if they are not convinced they can, your reassurance can feel like you are discounting the situation. It is as if you are saying that whatever the problem is, it is not so bad.

Examples of statements meant to reassure:

"It's going to be all right soon, I'm sure." "You can do it." "Oh, you are such a big boy; you can handle a few extra hours of work. It will be all right." "It's going to be all right soon. You'll be fine." "No big deal. Forget about it. This happens to kids your age."

After your children have had an opportunity to vent, you can certainly help them to gain perspective, encourage them to find solutions, and remind them of their ability to overcome the obstacles. However, that strategy can only be successful AFTER children have been heard.

Explaining

Because your children are still young, they may lack all of the knowledge or information needed to accurately assess a situation. You may want to fill in the gaps and explain why another person behaved the way he did.

While quite useful and important, these explanations fall under the category of teaching - an important part of parenting, but not part of listening.

This form of communication tends to place the focus on the situation, not on your children, their experiences, or their reactions. It suggests they consider things at an intellectual level rather than a feeling level.

Examples of statements meant to explain:

"The reason this might have happened is..." "This happened because you weren't paying attention. Next time you better watch where you are going."

Suggesting

Again, you want your children to be happy. It is uncomfortable to watch them struggle, especially when the solutions to their problems are quite clear to you. Like teaching your children, helping your children find ways to resolve a difficult situation is an important part of parenting.

However, if you move into that mode too quickly, your children do not feel heard and usually reject any of your attempts to help.

This form of communication also moves the conversation into an action mode. It denies the importance of venting feelings, sorting them out, and processing. It may tell your children that they are not capable of handling the situation, and that you know best.

Examples of statements meant to solve:

"A way to handle this is..." "Have you thought about trying to...?" "Well, a way to make the time go quickly would be for you to read for 20 minutes and then help Susan build a castle and then..." ""If you just stay near a teacher, you'll be safe. The first thing you need to do when a fight is about to start is get away."

If you can hold back and really listen first, then your children may become open to your ideas and suggestions.

You can test your children's readiness by asking "Do you want to think about what you can do to resolve this situation?" Then, see if they have ideas for dealing with it on their own or if they need your assistance.

But again, they can only move to the problem solving stage after their emotions have been released and they feel they have been heard.

Sharing

Sometimes you want your children to know that you have been through the same thing that they are experiencing and that you survived. You want them to know that you understand how they feel.

Your intentions are good; however, once again, if you share too early in the process, you take the focus off your children's experience and onto yourself. Your children won't feel heard.

While you may be trying to say: "See how much I understand," your sharing usually changes the direction of the conversation. It can be hard for your children to shift back to talking about themselves.

Examples of statements meant to share:

"I know just how you feel. Once that happened to me..."

"That happened to me when I was little. It made me feel terrible too."

"When I was a little girl, I got lost once too. I didn't think I'd ever find my way back to Grandma. I was so scared."

Questioning

Your children come in upset and you want to understand what is happening. Frequently the story being recounted is disjointed or is told in such detail that you have difficulty understanding what the problem is. It is tempting to jump in with your own questions to clarify the situation, to speed up the process, or to get to what you believe are the important facts.

This form of communication can interrupt the process in several ways: it makes your children accountable to answer your questions; it can change the direction the conversation would have taken if your children were following their own train of thought; and it makes them move from a feeling mode to a thinking mode, from using their hearts to using their minds.

Examples of statements that ask questions:

"Why did you do that?"

"How do you feel about that?"

"How often does it happen?"

"What happened first?"

"Why didn't you walk away?"

You can actually learn a lot just by listening to what they do include. You can discover what information they value. Do they talk about feelings or facts? Do they talk about others' perspectives or just their own? Can they see the big picture or do they get bogged down in the details?

There is definitely an important place for each of these five responses, depending on timing, the situation, and the needs of your children. There will be times when:

they need reassurance,

when you will want to explain and teach them things so they can understand the world better,

when they will need you to step in to help them solve problems they are facing,

when you want to share parts of your life with them,

when you will question them in order to get more information about something they are experiencing.

But remember, when you want your children to talk, when you sense they have strong feelings, the most effective way to help them is to use the skill of Active Listening first. You can employ these other techniques later.

Underlying Issues

When Active Listening, it is helpful to know that at any given time or in any given situation, there are broad issues beneath the surface of your children's words or reactions that reflect feelings, needs, or concerns. Yet they can color interactions and affect behavior even when they are not spoken, understood or realized.

These issues are universal but are expressed through different behaviors by different people at different times in their lives.

For example, when you bring a new baby home from the hospital, your three-year-old may become upset. He may be angry, he may cry,or he may regress by acting in less mature ways than he had before. The underlying issue may be jealousy, fear about being replaced, or sadness that you pay so much attention to the baby.

Over time, as he matures, these feelings may continue but your older child may be able to express them more directly with his words. As he moves more into the world, he may not feel so intensely jealous since he now has more of his own life and he may feel secure that there is enough love to go around in the family.

Recognize when an Underlying Issue is Involved

Often when children have a disproportionately intense reaction, it means that the situation has triggered feelings around some underlying issue.

Or when a reaction seems to have little or no connection to the actual situation or behavior, it may be that your children are reacting to something else, a larger and deeper issue than what is happening in the present.

Knowing this can help you manage the situation more effectively and help your children to identify the issue so that they can more appropriately manage the situation.

For example, your eight-year-old may become upset when you mention that a teenager who has taken care of your children many times in the past will be babysitting tomorrow night. Today, you may learn that the parent of a schoolmate was just in a car accident and is in the hospital; your son is actually fearful that the same could happen to you, and so he doesn't want you to leave.

With this knowledge, you could approach your child with " You are worried that something could happen to me if I go out." You are providing your child with an opportunity to discuss his greatest and deepest concerns.

Recognizing Underlying Issues is an important skill in Active Listening, since you can incorporate the issue into your response, giving your children an opportunity to identify what is really causing their emotions or behaviors.

Recognize your own Underlying Issues

As a parent you have your own underlying issues which effect how you respond to a situation; you may also over-react because whatever is happening in the present is triggering some underlying issue for you of which you may not be aware.

By clarifying your own issues, you can better monitor your reactions and acknowledge for yourself that you are dealing with more than just the present situation. This can diffuse the intensity of the reaction, allow you to deal more appropriately with the situation at hand, and consider your own underlying issues at another time.

For example, if you had an argument with your sister about the care of your parents, you may be impatient and irritable with your children when they ask for help. If you can keep in mind that you are preoccupied with these other concerns, you may be able to respond to your children in the present, and confront your own issues separately.

Underlying Issues Children May Face

Feeling Word Vocabulary

An important way to become a more effective Active Listener is to increase your "feeling words" vocabulary. Children are not born knowing how to describe what they feel and they don't automatically know the words to use when they do become aware of their feelings.

You can help your children by using as many feeling words as possible when you are actively listening to them.

In doing so, you help to identify their feelings and give them words to use when they want to talk about their emotions.

Having these words readily available to you in your vocabulary can make you a more astute listener, as you may be able to better detect nuances in what your children are feeling.
Below are some feeling words you can add to your vocabulary:
Feeling word continuums

To become more accurate about feeling issues, you may use continuums to help you choose the word that correctly matches your children's feelings with the degree of intensity they are expressing.

ANGER CONTINUUM

Degrees of anger might be expressed using the following words:

Outraged ... Furious... Bitter ... Mad ... Frustrated ... Aggravated ... Agitated ... Annoyed

HAPPINESS CONTINUUM

Degrees of happiness might be expressed using the following words:

Ecstatic... Delighted... Thrilled... Joyous ... Pleased ... Contented ... Satisfied

CONCERN CONTINUUM

Degrees of concern might be expressed using the following words:

Panicked... Alarmed... Anxious... Distressed... Worried ... Troubled ... Concerned

Sentence Starters for Active Listening

Sometimes you may not know how to begin an Active Listening response, especially when you first begin to use the skill. The following sentence starters can help you phrase your response and also help you decide about what underlying issues may be playing out for your children.

Some parents use these sentence starters as a "cheat sheet," posting them on their refrigerator or keeping them on their night stand until they become more familiar with them:

"That could make a person feel..."

"You would like to change..."

"You need permission to..."

"You are looking forward to..."

"The hard part about this is..."

"You're disappointed that . . . "

"You're worried/concerned that..."

"When you didn't get what you needed, then..."

"It seems unfair that..."

"You can't understand..."

"You think the other person is feeling/ needing/ worrying about/ trying to/ expecting..."

"The tension seems to be coming from..."

"The solution you see is to..."

"The confusion seems to be about..."

"What this seems to mean to you is..."

"What you think might happen because of this is..."

"If things could be different, you'd feel..."

Feeling comfortable using Active Listening can take a long time; it is a sophisticated skill that requires parents to use their intuition about what their children may be feeling or what lies beneath their words and behaviors.

It is certainly not the only response to use when your children want to talk. Sometimes you may need to discipline, set limits, give reassurance or praise; other times you may want to share your own experiences and feelings, offer solutions, or help your children problem solve.

When your children are troubled or have any kind of strong emotions, some form of active listening is often the best first approach to use. After you hear more clearly what is going on with your children, you can decide what you need to do next.

Remember that to become skilled at Active Listening takes time and practice; it is well worth your effort, as everyone in your family will benefit as you begin to use this very important skill.

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For more information about actively listening, check out the following books. Purchasing from Amazon.com through our website supports the work we do to help parents do the best job they can to raise their children.

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As children go through their day, they experience many moments of exhilaration and frustration. Often the quality of your day can feel tied to your children's roller-coaster of emotions. One way that you can keep yourself on an even ride is to learn how to steady their ups-and-downs.

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Why won't my child listen to me? Why does he answer back? Why does she shout rather than talk when she gets upset?

Why won't he open up when it's obvious that something's bothering her? Why does he lash out when frustrated rather than seeking my support? Why do they lie? Active listening, when practiced regularly, can truly transform how your children talk to you, listen to you and generally improves the quality of communication and co-operation between you. Active listening tends to result in the connection, the trust and hence the flow of communication opening up, sometimes deepening, sometimes becoming lighter, but certainly moving at least a couple of steps from disharmony to harmony.

Children listen to us more or less as well as they feel listened to.

Probably the number one top complaint of parents is that their child "won't listen" to them. Which usually means that the parent doesn't like how their child is responding, or not responding, to them. When the child doesn't respond how the parent wants them to, it can be because there's a conflict between the parent's wants and needs and the child's wants and needs. Both parent and child are more emotionally connected to their own feelings and needs than the other. An emotional bridge is needed. For the child to care about their parent's wants and needs, they will likely need to, at the very least, get the feeling that their parent is also interested in their wants and needs. One of the needs of the child that is sometimes being missed is their need to feel their parent's care and connection.

It's important that our children continue to enjoy their communication with us. This is even more important than the child choosing to cooperate because it ensures willing, rather than resentful, cooperation. Often the child's refusal or disinterest in "listening" to us is an indicator that they don't feel very good when listening to us. We want our children to hear and feel our care not our criticism. When listening to their parent causes a child stress and confusion, they can become very resistant which is equally sad for child and parent alike. When children tense up when listening to their parent this can result in a breakdown of the communication. Even when our child may not want to hear WHAT we have to say, for instance when we're saying no to that which they want, there's always a way to maintain the connection and help our child feel cared for. Also read How to keep the lines of communication open.

theActive Listening is a communication skill that improves connection, clarity and understanding in parent-child relationship. Most behaviour issues are connection issues.

If they can't get it out, they WILL act it out. Not because they don't care if others become upset but because they simply need to get their frustrations out and often can't get the relief they need without their parent's emotional support. Parents are often baffled to see their child being defiant, uncooperative or becoming verbally or physically aggressive. Equally, most parents can't understand why their child will shut down and refuse to speak or interact when they're clearly troubled. Parents know how much they love their child and hope or expect that their child can trust that they can turn to their parent for comfort. Yet, many of the responses from parents to children when a child needs to feel heard, including very well meaning advice or discipline, inadvertently gives children the message that their feelings are not valued, cared for or understood and.

It's hard to relate to our child's feelings and frustrations when we feel ignored by our child. It's especially hard to relate with care when it feels that our child is purposely fighting us. Yet, it's when we can see past their refusal to cooperate or respond positively and try to relate to what feelings they may be showing us that things can start to move from stuck back to open connected communication. It's our responsibility as parents to end the power struggles and bring the warmth back into the communication with our child.

What helps you feel seen, heard and understood? To gain some insight into your child's world, perhaps first think about this from your own perspective: Bring to mind a relationship where you struggle to get your point of view across, a relationship that always feels like a one way communication, even when they listen, you can tell they're not really listening, that they're amped to jump back in and get their point of view across, to give advice, to correct or criticize you (perhaps subtly) and generally always bring the communication back to their thoughts, feelings and opinions. You might wish they could show genuine interest in hearing and understanding your perspective. Notice how you feel when thinking about this person and these interactions. If you were to need this person's help or co-operation, what thoughts would come up for you? Possibly, you'd rather not need them at all and if you do need to ask their help or advice, you would probably already feel defensive and quite stressed.

Now think about the person who always shows genuine interest in your point of view, in your experiences and feelings and gives you positive reflections. Think about how you feel if you need to seek their help? Much calmer? If you think about the messages you receive from these different experiences, you'll no doubt gain some valuable experience-based insights into what active listening is and is not. These insights are way more valuable than anything you can read on the subject!

Love is not enough, we need communication skills. The difference between these two different interactions probably has a lot to do with whether a certain person can practice active listening or not.

What is Active Listening?

What does it look like in a conversation?

What improvements will likely happen in my family interactions if I can learn to apply it?

When active listening, the listener resists the temptation to make the assumption that they already know what the speaker is trying to say. It's easy to think "oh I've heard this before" or "I know what you should do", "yeah right, as if you're so innocent in this" or "come on get to the bottom line". Such thoughts make it difficult to properly hear and interpret the speaker's words and can deny both parties the opportunity for deeper understanding and to resolve potential misunderstandings. Mostly when people are speaking, they are showing feelings, not just information and facts. When the listener responds back to the facts while ignoring the feelings, this can leave the speaker with an unsatisfied sense that their feelings haven't been seen, understood or cared about (empathized with) hence leading to tension between listener and speaker. This can subsequently make it more difficult for the speaker to then listen actively when it's their turn to listen.

Yet when the listener has tuned in to the feelings being expressed, as well as the information and facts, and shows a good attempt to acknowledge those feelings ("oh I can well imagine why you found that so frustrating"), then the speaker (be they a child or an adult) may gain more satisfaction and hence in turn feel more open and positive as the communication continues.

Or download the audio. Available to Premium Village Members ( Watch Genevieve's one-hour seminar "How to talk so kids will listen". learn more about membership).

In it she covers the most common ways that parents inadvertently create power struggles with their child. And how to instead create more harmony and gain genuinely more willing cooperation. It covers the difference between requests and limits, requests versus demands, the pitfalls of obedience training, why parents need to cry more and yell less. How parents can help their child tune in to, reflect on, identify and name their feeling to reduce frustrations.

Good communication depends on clear coherent feedback. People often listen passively, not giving any feedback to the speaker about whether they are accepting or understanding what's been spoken. When the speaker either doesn't receive feedback, be it verbal or non-verbal, this can add to the tensions between speaker and listener. With active listening, the listener reflects to the speaker while they're still speaking that they are fully listening, this can involve sounds like "mmm", "yea", "ok", "aahh" and it can also be reflected through eye contact, nodding the head and body language that shows patience, presence and interest. The listener can then reflect verbally what they think they've understood and then give the speaker a chance to clarify or further explain; for example "ok what I think I understand from what you've said is that ... this happened, then this happened ..., which led to you feeling .... and what you now need is for ....... Does that sound right?".

Active listening can deepen the bond, the trust, the mutual respect and mutual understanding in relationships. Children from birth onwards need and benefit hugely from active listening. With active listening, the listener gives their full attention to the speaker. They show the speaker that they are truly present, as opposed to half listening or impatiently waiting to jump in with what they have to say. The majority of communication between people is non-verbal, maybe about 92%, which is why it works so well with babies who are pre-verbal as well as older children and not to mention partners!

Active listening promotes a deeper level of empathy and attunement in that when the listener is fully present and receptive, they tend to become more attuned with the speaker and pick up on a lot more of the non-verbal communication, tone of voice, eye contact, facial expressions, body language and notice what's not being said through hesitation in the voice, etc. It's all too easy to view communication in terms of the relaying of facts and ignore the all important emotional information.

When a parent uses active listening, children generally feel more supported and less controlled. It's hard for parents to resist giving endless advice and lectures as they feel the huge responsibility of teaching their child. Believe me I know this so well, 18 years down the parenting path I still have to edit what moves from my thoughts to my words, it's a feeling of pulling in my own reins! And there is of course a place for giving advice. Yet, it's rarely the best first response. And one of the gifts of doing more listening is that children tend to be more open to hearing their parent's advice because it no longer compromises their chance to express what's important to them, and take ownership of their challenges.

Our children, like us adults, benefit from the opportunity to work things out as they speak, they like to self-correct and develop self-discipline. A great way to support our child's self-confidence and self-competence is to hold back the advice and replace it with active listening as often as possible. Your time and patience will soon start to pay off as you notice your child taking more responsibility and using these listening skills that you've modelled. By slowing down the communication and resisting giving advice and solutions, parents also give the message to their child that they trust them to find their own solutions and trust them to ask for and access as much or as little help as they need.

With active listening, the listener becomes more present and really allows the communication to slow down. Generally, as tensions rise in an interaction, the communication speeds up making it less and less likely that either party will end up feeling heard, understood, trusted or supported. Active Listening creates more time, more presence and more spaciousness to the communication de-escalating stress and increasing mutual listening.

This slowing down process helps children to feel more safe and secure in the parent child relationship in general, it lowers rather than raises a child's stress levels. Children can only really access their more logical thinking when they feel safe and secure. Children need a lot more time than adults to process their thoughts, feelings and needs, they need more time to communicate, to express themselves. When parents expect their children to think, express and act at an adult pace, children can easily become discouraged and shut down, they can either give up trying to express their real feelings and needs, this is often when they become very resistant, or the other reaction of becoming aggressive and perhaps shouting or demanding or starting a fight with their sibling.

A parent can shift gear into using active listening at any point in an interaction. Many parents when first learning these new communication skills, don't remember to use active listening until they can see that things are going down hill in a particular interaction, their child is becoming upset or resistant, so they see this as their cue to start using active listening. Active listening can start with reflecting the parent's reading of the feelings their child is expressing and reflecting that back; "hmm it looks like you're finding it hard to hear what I'm asking you to do this morning? Does that sound right?" Once the communication develops, it can help to ask your child "hmm what do you need my sweetheart?". I'm a big fan of terms of endearment for expressing love and affection and messages that we're not annoyed at our child in that moment.

To gain a more comprehensive understanding of active listening and it's application as a parent, I highly recommend reading "Parent Effectiveness Training" by Thomas Gordon. Here's a quote from the book relating to active listening; "Paradoxically, this method will increase the parent's influence on the child, but it is an influence that differs from the kind that most parents try to exert over their children. Active listening is a method of influencing children to find their own solutions to their own problems. Most parents, however, are tempted to take over ownership of their children's problems."
Some of the less healthy responses to a child/friend/partner who shares a problem;

giving advice "what you should have done was ..",

competing "I wish that was all I had to worry about,",

trying to fix "I'll talk to her and tell her .... ",

psycho-analysing "ah yes it's your fears and resistance that are causing your problems with friends"

and other responses that invalidate and minimize the person's feelings.

Active listening is an invaluable skill that can strengthen all relationships in a person's life when practiced.

When parents practice active listening, being mindful of their child's response will tell them whether the child has become defensive or has actually felt seen, heard, cared for, understood, felt more relaxed and consequently has more space to listen and start to work out their problems. We can guide, facilitate, reflect and support without taking over control of our child's problems. Children who feel respectfully listened to tend to much more freely seek their parent's advice and guidance.

I also recommend the books by Marshall Rosenberg on the subject of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and if you can get along to some of the NVC courses, you'll gain valuable practice in these listening skills.
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If you need support in your journey of adopting peaceful parenting strategies in your family, contact Genevieve about some one on one parent coaching or holistic counselling or both combined.

You might also like to read the article "children and babies can heal through in arms crying"

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Active listening improves communication in the parent child relationship

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Why won't my child listen to me? Why won't she open up when it's obvious that something's bothering her? Why does he answer back? Why does she shout rather than talk when she gets upset? Why does he lash out when frustrated rather than seeking my support?

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Active Listening | Communicating | Essentials | Parenting Information | CDC

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As the nation’s health protection agency, CDC saves lives and protects people from health, safety, and security threats.

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Guess the Sound Game | 20 Sounds to Guess

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Sesame Street: Furry Potter and The Goblet of Cookies (Harry Potter Parody)

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Prepárate a que la temperatura suba y a congelarte! Baila con la nueva canción llena de energía de Enmoción ¡Vamos! GoNoodle.

Keep Moving With GoNoodle

GoNoodle is free for teachers, parents, and kids! Get moving with 300+ dance videos, mindfulness activities, and more engaging videos for kids!

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Prepárate a que la temperatura suba y a congelarte! Baila con la nueva canción llena de energía de Enmoción ¡Vamos! GoNoodle. GoNoodle is free for teachers, parents, and kids! Get moving with 300+ dance videos, mindfulness activities, and more engaging videos for kids!

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Communication Skills: Empathetic Listening - Inside Out, 2015

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Get Your Kids Moving & Practicing Mindfulness with GoNoodle®. Start Watching Now & Get Access to Hundreds of Videos! Active Learning. Healthy Kids. Active Kids. Boost Learning.

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STEPHEN PROTHERO: America's Religious Illiteracy is a Pressing Civic Problem

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The first-ever animated feature from StoryCorps celebrates the transformative power of listening. Listening Is an Act of Love: A StoryCorps Special presents six stories from 10 years of the innovative oral history project, where everyday people sit down together to ask life's important questions. Framing these intimate conversations from across the country is an interview between StoryCorps founder Dave Isay and his nine-year-old nephew, Benji, animated in the inimitable style of The Rauch Brothers.

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What Kids Learn From Hearing Family Stories

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What Kids Learn From Hearing Family Stories

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Reading to children has education benefits, of course-but so does sharing tales from the past.

"Dad, tell me a story from when you were little. Tell me the story about the time you met your best friend Chris at school." Six-year-old Alex, who has just started school himself, snuggles into his pillow and catches his dad's hand in the dark. They have finished the nightly reading of Tin Tin and now it's time for "just one more story" before Alex goes to sleep.

Most parents know about the benefits of reading stories from books with their young children. Parents are blasted with this message in pediatricians' offices, at preschool, on TV, even with billboards on the city bus. Reading books with children on a daily basis advances their language skills, extends their learning about the world, and helps their own reading later in school. Reading with your child from a young age can instill a lifelong love of books. A new study published in Science even shows that reading literary fiction improves adults' ability to understand other people's emotions.

Reading books with your children is clearly a good idea.

The cozy image of cuddling up with your young child while poring over a book, however, doesn't fit with reality for some parents and children. Parents from some cultures are not as comfortable reading with their children because books were not part of their everyday lives growing up. For other parents, reading with children is a fraught activity because of their own negative experiences learning to read. And for some highly active children, sitting down with a book is a punishment, not a reward. Fortunately, parents can learn new ways of reading books with their children to engage even the most irascible customer-and to engage themselves.

Yet what most parents don't know is that everyday family stories, like the one that Alex's dad spun out that night, confer many of the same benefits of reading-and even some new ones.

Over the last 25 years, a small canon of research on family storytelling shows that when parents share more family stories with their children-especially when they tell those stories in a detailed and responsive way-their children benefit in a host of ways. For instance, experimental studies show that when parents learn to reminisce about everyday events with their preschool children in more detailed ways, their children tell richer, more complete narratives to other adults one to two years later compared to children whose parents didn't learn the new reminiscing techniques. Children of the parents who learned new ways to reminisce also demonstrate better understanding of other people's thoughts and emotions. These advanced narrative and emotional skills serve children well in the school years when reading complex material and learning to get along with others. In the preteen years, children whose families collaboratively discuss everyday events and family history more often have higher self-esteem and stronger self-concepts. And adolescents with a stronger knowledge of family history have more robust identities, better coping skills, and lower rates of depression and anxiety. Family storytelling can help a child grow into a teen who feels connected to the important people in her life.

Best of all, unlike stories from books, family stories are always free and completely portable. You don't even need to have the lights on to share with your child a story about your day, about their day, about your childhood or their grandma's. In the research on family storytelling, all of these kinds of stories are linked to benefits for your child. Family stories can continue to be part of a parent's daily interactions with their children into adolescence, long past the age of the bedtime story.

All families have stories to tell, regardless of their culture or their circumstances. Of course, not all of these stories are idyllic ones. Research shows that children and adolescents can learn a great deal from stories of life's more difficult moments-as long as those stories are told in a way that is sensitive to the child's level of understanding, and as long as something good is gleaned from the experience.

Telling the story about the time the Christmas tree ignited because of faulty wiring and burned up the presents is fine, as long as you can find a tinsel lining. For example: Luckily you were able to save some favorite ornaments from the blaze, and your family ended up at a soup kitchen for Christmas dinner where you met Marion, who would become a treasured family friend.

Books contain narratives, but only family stories contain your family's personal narratives. Fortunate children get both. They hear and read stories from books to become part of other people's worlds, and they hear and tell stories of their family to understand who they are and from whence they came.

As Ursula LeGuin said, "There have been great societies that did not use the wheel, but there have been no societies that did not tell stories." Oral storytelling has been part of human existence for millennia. Toddlers start telling primitive stories from nearly as soon as they can speak, beginning with simple sentences about past experiences such as "Cookie allgone." Adults quickly build on these baby stories, "What happened to your cookie? You ate it!" so that by age three or four, most children can tell a relatively sensible story of a past experience that a naïve listener will (mostly) understand. By the time they are in school, children will regale a sympathetic adult with highly detailed stories about events of great importance to them, such as scoring a goal at a soccer game, but they may fail to mention the bigger picture that their team still lost. In the preteen and early adolescent years, children tell highly proficient stories about events in their lives, but they still need help understanding difficult events, such as the time their best friend dumped them for someone else. It is not until mid-adolescence that teens can understand the impact of events on their lives and on who they are becoming. Even older adolescents still benefit from their parents' help in understanding life's curveballs.

The holidays are prime time for family storytelling. When you're putting up the tree or having your holiday meal, share a story with your children about past holidays. Leave in the funny bits, the sad bits, the gory and smelly bits-kids can tell when a story has been sanitized for their protection. Then invite everyone else to tell a story too. Don't forget the youngest and the oldest storytellers in the group. Their stories may not be as coherent, but they can be the truest, and the most revealing.

Family stories can be told nearly anywhere. They cost us only our time, our memories, our creativity. They can inspire us, protect us, and bind us to others. So be generous with your stories, and be generous in your stories. Remember that your children may have them for a lifetime.

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What Kids Learn From Hearing Family Stories

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Reading to children has education benefits, of course-but so does sharing tales from the past.

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How to Connect with Your Child Using Love Languages

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How to Connect with Your Child Using Love Languages

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Children express and experience love in different ways. For example, one of my daughters prefers physical touch, whereas the other needs words of affirmation. Each of these expressions of love represents a different "language".

Learning the love languages of my girls has had a profound impact on my relationship and connection with them. It has also helped them feel unconditionally loved, accepted, heard, and understood.

Gary Chapman and Dr. Ross Campbell introduced the concept of love languages in the book The Five Love Languages and later in The Five Love Languages of Children . They said some people love through physical touch, others through words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, or quality time.

It's common to have different love languages within a family and it can be tricky to navigate. However, once you do learn your child's love language, it can make all the difference in your relationship and their happiness.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our FREE Your Words Matter Volume 2 Kit. With these 10 one-page parenting guides, you will know exactly how to speak to your child to help them stand up for themselves, be more confident, and develop a growth mindset.

1. Physical Touch

For children who have this as their primary love language, physical touch communicates love to them more deeply than giving them , buying a gift, or fixing a toy.

Without hugs, kisses, pats on the back, and other physical expressions of love, their love tanks will remain less than full.

Some ways to express love via physical touch include

sitting near or beside a child (for example, if you're working on the Big Life Journal together, you can sit side by side or have your child sitting on your lap)

for smaller kids, giving lots of kisses and hugs, being seated on a parent's lap

for older kids, also add a pat on the back, holding hands, a high-five, or an arm around their shoulder

occasionally yelling "group hug" for your entire family, and for more fun, including your pets!

playing games like Twister

playing This Little Piggy, Pat-a-Cake, tag, piggyback rides, and airplane

creating a "spa night" and doing manicures, pedicures, and shoulder massages

making up hand-shakes

gently squeezing their hands to say "I love you!"

snuggling close on the couch and reading together

2. Words of Affirmation

Words are powerful in communicating love. Words of affection and endearment, words of praise and encouragement, words that give positive guidance all say, "I care about you". These words nurture a child's inner sense of worth and security.

Even though such words are quickly said, they are not easily or soon forgotten and a child reaps the benefits of affirming words for a lifetime. A child who tells you what they like and often seeks compliments feels loved through words of affirmation.

Refrain from using harsh critical words as they really affect a child whose primary love language is a word of affirmation.

They feel special when you tell them you appreciate them by

using encouraging words and phrases often (refer to the list of inside the 50 Powerful Phrases to Build Resilience in Kids Resilience Kit

saying "I love you" many times a day

saying "I love to watch you..." (play, draw, sing, help, etc.)

affirming both their efforts and achievements

creating a name of affection for your child that is only used between the two of you

when a child makes a mistake, acknowledging their good intentions, effort, determination, etc.

painting rocks with encouraging sayings

writing little love notes and leaving them around the house or in their lunchbox.

3. Quality Time

Quality time means focusing your attention on your child. It is the gift of being present and telling a child, "you are important and I like spending time with you" . The child feels loved because the parent or carer is choosing to spend time alone with them.

When you spend time with your child or children, you will best serve their needs by adapting to their physical and/or emotional level of development.

What you do with your child is important than the actual time you spend together. When a child requests one-on-one time with a parent, whether it be through play, outdoor activities, or just chatting, they are communicating their need to feel love. It is important to follow-up and focus on their needs.

Some ways to demonstrate quality time include

allocating a special time for your child to just be there and listen to their stories and feelings

being your child's Journal Buddy while working on the Big Life Journal together

bringing your child along during errands

looking at the stars together

drawing or journaling together

allowing them to help you around the house

taking walks together and having conversations (call it "twalks" to make it fun)

stopping what you are doing and making eye contact with your child when they tell you something

finding silly things to laugh about together

doing fun activities and playing games together

If you need some tips on how to encourage a growth mindset in your child, don't forget to download our FREE Your Words Matter Kit Vol. 2.

4. Gifts

The giving and receiving of gifts can be a powerful expression of love and for some, can remain meaningful even later in their lives. The most thoughtful gifts can become true symbols of love.

A child who often gives you something small, like a toy wrapped in paper or flowers from the garden, tends to feel loved through gifts. These gifts can be given together with any of the other love languages.

However, there is a difference between a child who sees gifts as an extension of your love and a child who begs and whines for a toy every time you go shopping. A child, whose love language is receiving gifts, will be happy with the smallest token or even something handmade. Some ideas for tangible things as an expression of love include

choosing small, inexpensive tokens, thoughtful gifts, or homemade presents. This will mean a lot to your child during ordinary days and more special occasions

choosing gifts that fit the interests of your child.

making a collection of unique gift boxes and wrapping paper (choose their favorite colors) that can be used for even the simplest gifts

gifting your child a song, either one you create or a special song that reminds you of them

keeping a chart and some stickers to record achievements and rewarding your child with a gift

creating a photo album or book about them and some special moments you've shared

buying a new shirt that captures their personality

making them a special treat or their favorite meal

gathering hand-picked flowers or anything from nature that your child would find special

framing a special photograph of the child doing something they love

5. Acts of Service

When your child asks you to fix a toy or would like to repair something of yours, sometimes it isn't about getting the task done but rather a need for extra love and attention. If your child's primary love language is acts of service, you don't need to jump at every request. However, it is important to be sensitive to these special requests and understand how your response will either fill your child's love bucket or empty it. Each request calls for a thoughtful loving response.

Acts of service can include

for younger children, instead of telling them to go to bed, carrying them to bed and tucking them in

making them a special treat or their favorite meal

making them a drink and bringing it to them

when running late for an appointment, help your child quickly finish what they are doing so you can both be ready faster, rather than just telling them to hurry

making a list of your child's favorite things to do with you and do one of these things periodically when they least expect it

doing a chore they would normally do (e.g., cleaning the playroom, making their bed)

brushing their hair

organizing/cleaning their closet or drawers

checking out library books you know they would like

sitting down to do their homework together

giving your child a surprise room makeover

The purpose of learning to speak your child's love language is for you to connect more deeply with your child. This can build their self-worth, which is key for lifelong self-love and confidence and applies to all ages and stages of development, too.

Building an understanding of your own love language and recognizing it may be different to not only that of your child but also your partner is a powerful tool for building beautiful strong family bonds and relationships based on unconditional love and understanding that will last a lifetime.

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How to Connect with Your Child Using Love Languages

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Children express and experience love in different ways. It's common to have different love languages within a family and it can be tricky to navigate. However, once you do learn your child's love language, it can make all the difference in your relationship and their happiness.

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3:11 / 10:10•The 5 Love Languages of Children - Gary Chapman, Ross Campbell (Summary)

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3:11 / 10:10•The 5 Love Languages of Children - Gary Chapman, Ross Campbell (Summary)

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The 5 Love Languages of Children - Gary Chapman, Ross Campbell (Summary)

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Mood Walk - Learn Emotions | Activities For Kids | Dance Along | GoNoodle

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The Science of Storytelling & Memory and The Impact on CRO

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The Science of Storytelling & Memory and The Impact on CRO

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The Science of Storytelling & Memory and The Impact on CRO

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How do storytelling and memory affect your conversion rates? We break down the latest research and best practices.

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The Five Love Languages (Children’s) Profile Quiz

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The Five Love Languages (Children’s) Profile Quiz

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AFTER 17 YEARS OF LISTENING, WE KNOW WHAT MAKES A GOOD CONVERSATION: START BY ASKING GREAT QUESTIONS.

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AFTER 17 YEARS OF LISTENING, WE KNOW WHAT MAKES A GOOD CONVERSATION: START BY ASKING GREAT QUESTIONS.

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After 17 years of listening, we know what makes a good conversation: Start by asking Great Questions.

Here are some of our suggestions for getting a good conversation going. We encourage you to use the ones you like and to come up with your own. This list is in no particular order. Choose one of the categories below, or scroll through and read them all.

Great Questions for Anyone

Friends or Colleagues

If you could interview anyone from your life living or dead, but not a celebrity, who would it be and why?

What is your first memory of me?

Was there a time when you didn't like me?

What makes us such good friends?

How would you describe me? How would you describe yourself?

Where will we be in 10 years? 20 years?

Do you think we'll ever lose touch with each other?

Grandparents

Where did you grow up?

What was your childhood like?

Who were your favorite relatives?

Do you remember any of the stories your grandparents used to tell you?

How did you and grandma/grandpa meet?

What was my mom/dad/parent like growing up?

Do you remember any songs that you used to sing to your children? Can you sing them now?

Were your granparents well-behaved?

What is the worst thing your grandparents ever did?

What were your parents like?

What were your grandparents like?

How would you like to be remembered?

Are you proud of me?

Raising Children

Parents

Do you remember what was going through your head when you first saw me?

How did you choose my name?

What was I like as a baby? As a young child?

Do you remember any of the songs you used to sing to me? Can you sing them now?

What were my siblings like?

What were the hardest moments you had when I was growing up?

If you could do everything again, would you raise me differently?

What advice would you give me about raising my own kids?

What are your dreams for me?

How did you meet mom/dad?

How do you think we are alike? How do you think we are different?

Are you proud of me?

Growing Up

School

Teachers

Love & Relationships

Do you have a love of your life?

When did you first fall in love?

Can you tell me about your first kiss?

What was your first serious relationship?

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Do you ever think about previous lovers?

What lessons have you learned from your relationships?

Who were the "ones that got away" in your life?

What was the hardest break up you've ever experienced?

Do you remember the best date you ever went on?/Do you remember your first date?

Marriage & Partnerships

Working

Describe the work that you do.

Tell me about how you got into your line of work.

Do you like your job?

What did you think you were going to be when you grew up?

What did you want to be when you grew up?

What lessons has your work life taught you?

If you could do anything now, what would you do? Why?

Do you plan on retiring? If so, when? How do you feel about it?

Do you have any favorite stories from your work life?

Religion

Can you tell me about your religious beliefs/spiritual beliefs? What is your religion?

How did you come to your faith? From your family? From a particular experience or set of experiences?

How has your faith evolved over time?

Have you experienced any miracles?

What was the most profound spiritual moment of your life?

Do you believe in God?

How have you experienced God (or a Higher Power) in your life?

Do you believe in the after-life? What do you think it will be like?

When you meet God, what do you want to say?

Have there been moments that tested your faith? What were those challenges and how did they impact your faith?

Serious Illness

Can you tell me about your illness?

Do you think about dying? Are you scared?

How do you imagine your death?

Do you believe in an after-life?

Do you regret anything?

Do you look at your life differently now than before you were diagnosed?

Do you have any last wishes?

If you were to give advice to me or others in our family, what would it be?

What have you learned from life? The most important things?

Has this illness changed you? What have you learned?

How do you want to be remembered?

Family Heritage

Where are your parents' families from?

Have you ever been there? What was that experience like?

What traditions have been passed down in your family?

Who were your favorite relatives?

Do you remember any of the stories they used to tell you?

What are the classic family stories? Jokes? Songs?

Military

Remembering a Loved One

Justice

© 2003-2022 StoryCorps, Inc.

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After 17 years of listening, we know what makes a great conversation: Ask great questions. Here are some of our suggestions for getting a good conversation going. We encourage you to use the ones you like and to come up with your own.

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Voice Still and Small | Rev. Christopher Watkins Lamb | September 20th, 2020

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The Emotion Wheel: What It Is and How to Use It

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The Emotion Wheel: What It Is and How to Use It

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The Emotion Wheel: What It Is and How to Use It

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Plutchik's "Wheel of Emotions" covers 8 fundamental emotions. We take a look at joy, sadness, acceptance, & other emotion wheel feelings.