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I returned to her collection at the right time (it’s always the right time) and what I really took away is her brilliant emphasis on the urgency, both political and personal, of feeling our feelings (And the erotic power of doing so.) Historically, I've also (and still do) always get a lot from her discussion of breaking silence and speaking truth.

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“For within living structures defined by profit, by linear power, by institutional dehumanization, our feelings were not meant to survive. Kept around as unavoidable adjuncts or pleasant pastimes, feelings were expected to kneel to thoughts as women were expected to kneel to men.”

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I stumbled upon the book "Be Like Water, My Friend" written by Bruce Lee's daughter at the right time (it always seems to be the right time). I've been thinking a lot about the metaphor of water as a way to help me move through life in a more easeful, natural way. I often feel like I'm walking upstream or kind of muscling my way through life, and recently noticed this in a recent meditation retreat in which I pushed myself to my limit in order to be a 'good' meditator. I've also noticed it from everything to jobs chosen, the type of activism I do, the people I hang out with. So, I was really drawn to reading this book because I am seeking more alignment with who I am and want to find pursuits and people who I feel easeful and powerful around.

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With his singular blend of physical prowess and metaphysical wisdom, coupled with his tragic untimely death, legendary Chinese-American martial artist, philosopher, and filmmaker Bruce Lee (November 27, 1940-July 20, 1973) is one of those rare cultural icons whose ethos and appeal remain timeless, attracting generation after generation of devotees. Inspired by the core principles of Wing Chun, the ancient Chinese conceptual martial art, which he learned from his only formal martial arts teacher, Yip Man, between the ages of thirteen and eighteen. When he left Hong Kong in 1959, Lee adapted Wing Chun into his own version, Jun Fan Gung Fu - literal translation: Bruce Lee's Kung Fu - and popularized it in America.

In 1971, at the peak of his career, Lee starred in four episodes of the short-lived TV series Longstreet. In one of them, he delivered his most oft-cited metaphor for the philosophy of Gung Fu, based on the Chinese concept of :

But the famed snippet belies the full dimensionality of the metaphor and says nothing about how Lee arrived at it. Luckily, in Bruce Lee: Artist of Life (public library) - a compendium of his never-before-published private letters, notes, and poems, offering unprecedented insight into his philosophy on life and his convictions about martial arts, love, and parenthood - Lee traces the thinking that originated his famous metaphor, which came after a period of frustration with his inability to master "the art of detachment" that Yip Man was trying to impart on him. Lee writes:

When my acute self-consciousness grew to what the psychologists refer to as the "double-bind" type, my instructor would again approach me and say, "Loong, preserve yourself by following the natural bends of things and don't interfere. Remember never to assert yourself against nature; never be in frontal opposition to any problems, but control it by swinging with it. Don't practice this week: Go home and think about it."

And so he did, spending the following week at home:

After spending many hours meditating and practicing, I gave up and went sailing alone in a junk. On the sea I thought of all my past training and got mad at myself and punched the water! Right then - at that moment - a thought suddenly struck me; was not this water the very essence of gung fu? Hadn't this water just now illustrated to me the principle of gung fu? I struck it but it did not suffer hurt. Again I struck it with all of my might - yet it was not wounded! I then tried to grasp a handful of it but this proved impossible. This water, the softest substance in the world, which could be contained in the smallest jar, only seemed weak. In reality, it could penetrate the hardest substance in the world. That was it! I wanted to be like the nature of water.

Suddenly a bird flew by and cast its reflection on the water. Right then I was absorbing myself with the lesson of the water, another mystic sense of hidden meaning revealed itself to me; should not the thoughts and emotions I had when in front of an opponent pass like the reflection of the birds flying over the water? This was exactly what Professor Yip meant by being detached - not being without emotion or feeling, but being one in whom feeling was not sticky or blocked. Therefore in order to control myself I must first accept myself by going with and not against my nature.

Quoting from Lao Tzu's famous teachings, Lee writes:

The natural phenomenon which the gung fu man sees as being the closest resemblance to wu wei [the principle of spontaneous action governed by the mind and not the senses] is water:

Nothing is weaker than water,
But when it attacks something hard
Or resistant, then nothing withstands it,
And nothing will alter its way.

The above passages from the Tao Te Ching illustrate to us the nature of water: Water is so fine that it is impossible to grasp a handful of it; strike it, yet it does not suffer hurt; stab it, and it is not wounded; sever it, yet it is not divided. It has no shape of its own but molds itself to the receptacle that contains it. When heated to the state of steam it is invisible but has enough power to split the earth itself. When frozen it crystallizes into a mighty rock. First it is turbulent like Niagara Falls, and then calm like a still pond, fearful like a torrent, and refreshing like a spring on a hot summer's day. So is the principle of wu wei:
The rivers and seas are lords of a hundred valleys. This is because their strength is in lowliness; they are kings of them all. So it is that the perfect master wishing to lead them, he follows. Thus, though he is above them, he follows. Thus, though he is above them, men do not feel him to be an injury. And since he will not strive, none strive with him.

Bruce Lee: Artist of Life is fantastic in its entirety.

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Be Like Water: The Philosophy and Origin of Bruce Lee's Famous Metaphor for Resilience

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With his singular blend of physical prowess and metaphysical wisdom, coupled with his tragic untimely death, legendary Chinese-American martial artist, philosopher, and filmmaker Bruce Lee (November 27, 1940-July 20, 1973) is one of those rare cultural icons whose ethos and appeal remain timeless, attracting generation after generation of devotees.

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"Black Hole Survival Guide" by Janna Levin

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"Black Hole Survival Guide" by Janna Levin

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I can't exactly recommend reading anything about Black Holes or otherwise learning more about them. They will eventually consume us (or maybe we are already being consumed?) and we will undergo spaghettification and all of our tiny bits will meet the singularity and be vacuumed definitively out of the entire multiverse and all our compound bits will very literally cease to exist due to the theory of relativity but also perhaps we will survive outside of the Black Hole due to the contradictory Quantum theory and also something about wormholes.

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"[Levin's] writing is clear and so colloquial that it sometimes seems as though she's right there chatting with you, telling a story in a conversation so compelling that you hardly notice the complexity of the actual physics . . . Not only is Levin a brilliant physicist, she's a gifted writer, sensitive to language and its nuances . . . [She is] an extravagant storyteller with a vivid imagination and an acute intellect who is willing to take you on a safe black hole trip, an exciting travel story enjoyed from your chair's event horizon."-Boston Globe
"In prose that revels in the immensity and dispassion of the barely known universe - and bolstered by Lia Halloran's illustrations of strange celestial shapes and astronauts floating in inky voids - Levin makes space sound like a somewhat reasonable place."-The Philadelphia Inquirer"Warm, smart prose inviting readers to share her fascination with these cosmic phenomena. Enhanced by wonderful artwork, Levin's book glides through the universe, from relativity and quantum mechanics to the solar system, the Milky Way, and the Andromeda galaxy. Stirring imagination and curiosity about the mysteries of black holes, Levin makes a case that they are a fodder for fantasy"-The National Book Review

"Vivid . . . Readers couldn't hope for a more fascinating intro to a family of cosmic objects whose existence promises still more wonders to be discovered."-Publishers Weekly

"Armchair astronomers will find this a fascinating and illuminating read."-Booklist

"A short, lively account of one of the oddest and most intriguing topics in astrophysics."-Kirkus Reviews

"Engrossing . . . Levin describes the subject matter in an accessible writing style that is both entertaining and poetic . . . Recommended for nonscientists and those seeking to understand the cosmos better. ""A comprehensible exploration of that which cannot be physically explored . . . a vibrant, illustrated text."-Shelf Awareness

"This slender volume will get the reader quickly up to speed when it comes to black holes, without equations or torrents of jargon.""Beguiling . . . Levin writes authoritatively and evocatively with a warm, poetic voice . . . The 23 paintings that Halloran made to be interspersed among its pages add to the imagination-stirring allure . . . There are lighter parts too, and the surreality at play in the mix of the writing and the art gives Black Hole Survival Guide an idiosyncratic spirit."-Art News

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Black Hole Survival Guide by Janna Levin: 9781984899798 | PenguinRandomHouse.com: Books

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"[Levin's] writing is clear and so colloquial that it sometimes seems as though she's right there chatting with you, telling a story in a conversation so compelling that you hardly notice the complexity of the actual physics . . . Not only is Levin a brilliant physicist, she's a gifted writer, sensitive to language and its nuances .

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I have really resonated with learning about the tendencies/functions of this personality type. The INFP not only deeply values and is oriented towards introverted feeling (wandering in the green forest of the mind) but also to intuitively finding patterns in what they encounter and forming connections as they talk, write, or create (like I'm doing right now!).

This padlet is a very INFP thing to do. In doing somethign like this, I'm first of all seeking to feel really aligned with myself (which is top importance to an INFP) and also inspired by what I'm encountering in the world.

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Introduction | Mediator (INFP) Personality | 16Personalities

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Another popular personality system (?) is the Enneagram. I think Jesus came up with it or something...I don't really understand, but it seems like a lot of people like it!

I tested as Type 9, or the "Peace maker", very similar overall to the INFP "Mediator".

In a paragraph:

"Nines are accepting, trusting, and stable. They are usually creative, optimistic, and supportive, but can also be too willing to go along with others to keep the peace. They want everything to go smoothly and be without conflict, but they can also tend to be complacent, simplifying problems and minimizing anything upsetting. They typically have problems with inertia and stubbornness. At their Best: indomitable and all-embracing, they are able to bring people together and heal conflicts.

Basic Fear: Of loss and separation

Basic Desire: To have inner stability "peace of mind"

Another quote that I found interesting and resonant is about the tendency of 9s to spiritually bypass the hard things in life:

Nines must resist the urge to escape into “premature Buddhahood” or the “white light” of the Divine and away from the mundane world. They must remember that “the only way out is through.”

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9
THE PEACEMAKER
Enneagram Type Nine

The Easygoing, Self-Effacing Type:
Receptive, Reassuring Agreeable, and Complacent

Type Nine in Brief

Nines are accepting, trusting, and stable. They are usually creative, optimistic, and supportive, but can also be too willing to go along with others to keep the peace. They want everything to go smoothly and be without conflict, but they can also tend to be complacent, simplifying problems and minimizing anything upsetting. They typically have problems with inertia and stubbornness. At their Best: indomitable and all-embracing, they are able to bring people together and heal conflicts.

Basic Fear: Of loss and separation

Basic Desire: To have inner stability "peace of mind"

Enneagram Nine with an Eight-Wing: "The Referee"

Enneagram Nine with a One-Wing: "The Dreamer"

Key Motivations: Want to create harmony in their environment, to avoid conflicts and tension, to preserve things as they are, to resist whatever would upset or disturb them.

The Meaning of the Arrows (in brief)

When moving in their Direction of Disintegration (stress), complacent Nines suddenly become anxious and worried at Six. However, when moving in their Direction of Integration (growth), slothful, self-neglecting Nines become more self-developing and energetic, like healthy Threes. Learn more about the arrows.

Examples: Queen Elizabeth II, Princess Grace of Monaco, Claude Monet, Norman Rockwell, Abraham Lincoln, Dwight D. Eisenhower, Gerald Ford, Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush, John F. Kennedy, Jr., General Colin Powell, Walter Cronkite, Carl Jung, Carl Rogers, Joseph Campbell, Walt Disney, Jim Henson (Muppets), Garrison Keillor, Gloria Steinem, Tony Bennett, Ringo Starr, Carlos Santana, James Taylor, Janet Jackson, Jack Johnson, George Lucas, Ron Howard, Gary Cooper, Jimmy Stewart, Audrey Hepburn, Sophia Loren, Kevin Costner, Annette Bening, Jeff Bridges, Morgan Freeman, John Goodman, Matthew Broderick, Whoopie Goldberg, Woody Harrelson, Geena Davis, Jason Segel, Lisa Kudrow, Toby McGuire, Zooey Deschanel, "Mister Rogers," "Homer and Marge Simpson"

Type Nine Overview

We have called personality type Nine The Peacemaker because no type is more devoted to the quest for internal and external peace for themselves and others. They are typically "spiritual seekers" who have a great yearning for connection with the cosmos, as well as with other people. They work to maintain their peace of mind just as they work to establish peace and harmony in their world. The issues encountered in the Nine are fundamental to all psychological and spiritual work-being awake versus falling asleep to our true nature; presence versus entrancement, openness versus blockage, tension versus relaxation, peace versus pain, union versus separation.

Ironically, for a type so oriented to the spiritual world, Nine is the center of the Instinctive Center, and is the type that is potentially most grounded in the physical world and in their own bodies. The contradiction is resolved when we realize that Nines are either in touch with their instinctive qualities and have tremendous elemental power and personal magnetism, or they are cut off from their instinctual strengths and can be disengaged and remote, even lightweight.

To compensate for being out of touch with their instinctual energies, Nines also retreat into their minds and their emotional fantasies. (This is why Nines can sometimes misidentify themselves as Fives and Sevens, "head types," or as Twos and Fours, "feeling types.") Furthermore, when their instinctive energies are out of balance, Nines use these very energies against themselves, damming up their own power so that everything in their psyches becomes static and inert. When their energy is not used, it stagnates like a spring-fed lake that becomes so full that its own weight dams up the springs that feed it. When Nines are in balance with their Instinctive Center and its energy, however, they are like a great river, carrying everything along with it effortlessly.

We have sometimes called the Nine the crown of the Enneagram because it is at the top of the symbol and because it seems to include the whole of it. Nines can have the strength of Eights, the sense of fun and adventure of Sevens, the dutifulness of Sixes, the intellectualism of Fives, the creativity of Fours, the attractiveness of Threes, the generosity of Twos, and the idealism of Ones. However, what they generally do not have is a sense of really inhabiting themselves- a strong sense of their own identity.

Ironically, therefore, the only type the Nine is not like is the Nine itself. Being a separate self, an individual who must assert herself against others, is terrifying to Nines. They would rather melt into someone else or quietly follow their idyllic daydreams.

Red, a nationally known business consultant, comments on this tendency:

"I am aware of focusing on other people, wondering what they are like, how and where they live, etc. In a relationship with others, I often give up my own agenda in favor of the other person's. I have to be on guard about giving in to other's demands and discounting my own legitimate needs."

Nines demonstrate the universal temptation to ignore the disturbing aspects of life and to seek some degree of peace and comfort by "numbing out." They respond to pain and suffering by attempting to live in a state of premature peacefulness, whether it is in a state of false spiritual attainment, or in more gross denial. More than any other type, Nines demonstrate the tendency to run away from the paradoxes and tensions of life by attempting to transcend them or by seeking to find simple and painless solutions to their problems.

To emphasize the pleasant in life is not a bad thing, of course-it is simply a limited and limiting approach to life. If Nines see the silver lining in every cloud as a way of protecting themselves from the cold and rain, other types have their distorting viewpoints, too. For example, Fours focus on their own woundedness and victimization, Ones on what is wrong with how things are, and so forth. By contrast, Nines tend to focus on the "bright side of life" so that their peace of mind will not be shaken. But rather than deny the dark side of life, what Nines must understand is that all of the perspectives presented by the other types are true, too. Nines must resist the urge to escape into "premature Buddhahood" or the "white light" of the Divine and away from the mundane world. They must remember that "the only way out is through."

(from The Wisdom of the Enneagram, p. 316-317)

Listen: Don Riso Discusses Type Nine

Type Nine-Levels of Development
Healthy Levels
Level 1 (At Their Best): Become self-possessed, feeling autonomous and fulfilled: have great equanimity and contentment because they are present to themselves. Paradoxically, at one with self, and thus able to form more profound relationships. Intensely alive, fully connected to self and others.

Level 2: Deeply receptive, accepting, unselfconscious, emotionally stable and serene. Trusting of self and others, at ease with self and life, innocent and simple. Patient, unpretentious, good-natured, genuinely nice people.

Level 3: Optimistic, reassuring, supportive: have a healing and calming influence-harmonizing groups, bringing people together: a good mediator, synthesizer, and communicator.
Average Levels
Level 4: Fear conflicts, so become self-effacing and accommodating, idealizing others and "going along" with their wishes, saying "yes" to things they do not really want to do. Fall into conventional roles and expectations. Use philosophies and stock sayings to deflect others.

Level 5: Active, but disengaged, unreflective, and inattentive. Do not want to be affected, so become unresponsive and complacent, walking away from problems, and "sweeping them under the rug." Thinking becomes hazy and ruminative, mostly comforting fantasies, as they begin to "tune out" reality, becoming oblivious. Emotionally indolent, unwillingness to exert self or to focus on problems: indifference.

Level 6: Begin to minimize problems, to appease others and to have "peace at any price." Stubborn, fatalistic, and resigned, as if nothing could be done to change anything. Into wishful thinking, and magical solutions. Others frustrated and angry by their procrastination and unresponsiveness.
Unhealthy Levels
Level 7: Can be highly repressed, undeveloped, and ineffectual. Feel incapable of facing problems: become obstinate, dissociating self from all conflicts. Neglectful and dangerous to others.

Level 8: Wanting to block out of awareness anything that could affect them, they dissociate so much that they eventually cannot function: numb, depersonalized.

Level 9: They finally become severely disoriented and catatonic, abandoning themselves, turning into shattered shells. Multiple personalities possible. Generally corresponds to the Schizoid and Dependent personality disorders.

Addictions

Over-eating or under-eating due to lack of self-awareness and repressed anger. Lack of physical activity. Depressants and psychotropics, alcohol, marijuana, narcotics to deaden loneliness and anxiety.

Personal Growth Recommendations
for Enneagram Type Nines

It is worth examining your type's tendency to go along with others, doing what they want to keep the peace and be nice. Will constantly acquiescing to the wishes of others provide the kind of relationships that will really satisfy you? Remember, it is impossible to love others if you are not truly present to them. This means that you have to be yourself, that you (paradoxically) have to be independent so that you can really be there for others when they need you.

Exert yourself. Force yourself to pay attention to what is going on. Do not drift off or tune out people, or daydream. Work on focusing your attention to become an active participant in the world around you. Try to become more mentally and emotionally engaged.

Recognize that you also have aggressions, anxieties, and other feelings that you must deal with. Negative feelings and impulses are a part of you and they affect you emotionally and physically whether or not you acknowledge them. Furthermore, your negative emotions are often expressed inadvertently and get in the way of the peace and harmony you want in your relationships. It is best to get things out in the open first, at least by allowing yourself to become aware of your feelings.

Although this will be very painful for you, if your marriage has ended in divorce or if you are having problems with your children, you must honestly examine how you have contributed to these problems. Examining troubled relationships will be extremely difficult because the people involved have been close to your heart. The feelings you have for others endow you with much of your identity and self-esteem. But if you really love others, you can do no less than examine the role you have played in whatever conflicts that have arisen. In the last analysis, the choice is simple: you must sacrifice your peace of mind (in the short run) for the satisfaction of genuine relationships (in the long run.)

Exercise frequently to become more aware of your body and emotions. (Some Nines run around doing errands and think that they are getting enough exercise.) Regular exercise is a healthy form of self-discipline and will increase your awareness of your feelings and other sensations. Developing body-awareness will help teach you to concentrate and focus your attention in other areas of your life as well. Exercise is also a good way to get in touch with and express some aggressions.

Learn More

The Riso-Hudson Books offer the most complete type descriptions available anywhere. Personality Types is the most complete, in-depth, systematic treatment of the nine types and the Enneagram system as a whole, and The Wisdom of the Enneagram provides the comprehensive guide to psychological and spiritual growth for the nine personality types.

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Nines are accepting, trusting, and stable. They are usually creative, optimistic, and supportive, but can also be too willing to go along with others to keep the peace. They want everything to go smoothly and be without conflict, but they can also tend to be complacent, simplifying problems and minimizing anything upsetting.

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Thanks, polyamorists, for helping all of us.

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Thanks, polyamorists, for helping all of us.

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Every person I've met who practices ethical non-monogamy or polyamory is incredibly intentional about their relationships; nothing and no one is taken for granted. Communication and respect are paramount. I think we all have something to learn from them!

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“...Beyond the superficial, the considered phrase, "It feels right to me," acknowledges the strength of the erotic into a true knowledge, for what that means is the first and most powerful guiding light toward any understanding. And understanding is a handmaiden which can only wait upon, or clarify, that knowledge, deeply born.”

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While staying at my friend's home in St. Cloud this past weekend for a movement chaplaincy gathering, I noticed she had a pillow with this wheel printed on it. We used the pillow to reflect on our feelings several times throughout our gathering.

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To me, this is where Audre Lorde's writing connects not only with Bruce Lee's emphasis on self-awareness, but also with what I've been reading about in the realm of relationships and personalities. How powerful to realize that our body and feelings are actually giving us all the information we need to understand how we feel around people. Around some people, I feel safe, grounded and seen. Around others, I feel confused, insecure, and unsafe. This is valuable information.

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"Research your own experience. Reject what is useless. Accept what is useful. And add what is essentially your own."

It's interesting to start to notice your experience. I find myself asking myself, "Do I like this?" a lot more than I used to. It's humbling to be so disconnected from your own desires, wants, needs, and preferences, but it is possible to find a way back to yourself through this kind of research.

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"Sometimes the most valuable thing to discover is that what you're doing or where you are is not where you want to be...and that gives you the opportunity to begin charting a path out of there. That info can save you from continuing to pursue a path that is leading you away from your soul"

At a time when I'm reconsidering my career/vocation and feeling sometimes lost or confused, I'm trying to really pay attention to this.

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Be Water, My Friend: The Teachings of Bruce Lee a book by Shannon Lee

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Bruce Lee’s daughter illuminates her father’s most powerful life philosophies--demonstrating how martial arts are a perfect metaphor for personal growth, and how we can practice those teachings every day. Empty your mind; be formless, shapeless like water. Bruce Lee is a cultural icon, renowned the…

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This is an excellent book about the importance of getting in touch with and listen to our "core emotions" in order to create meaningful change and health.

The core emotions and what they are telling us:
1. Anger (wants to protect the self)
2. Fear (wants to run to safety/protection)
3. Joy (wants to be shared)
4. Sadness (needs comfort)
5. Excitement (wants to expand, celebrate, dance)
6. Disgust (wants to expel things that are toxic)

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This is a book worth re-reading every year! I loved this easy-to-understand explanation of the triangle of emotions and change. Ever since I started it, it's helped me process emotions, better understand how I feel, and see exactly where and how I can get to a calm, openhearted state. I'm writing some of my favorite parts here, but I'd still definitely re-read it to see the up close and personal applications of the triangle with different people. Thanks so much, Dr. Hendel!

These are some of m...more

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This is a book worth re-reading every year! I loved this easy-to-understand explanation of the triangle of emotions and change. Ever since I started it, it's helped me process emotions, better understand how I feel, and see exactly where and how I can get to a calm, openhearted state.

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"I think a worthy goal is probably to avoid voluntary brutality"

Bruce Lee's philosophy weaves self-acceptance, ease, and actualization. This makes me think that paying attention to my experience and what feels like voluntary brutality vs what feels invigorating and life-giving will lead to more ease and more of a sense of being myself.

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My friend Julia and I have been talking about how transitioning from one task or thing to another during a day is a huge struggle and sometimes seems to only happen once an unbearably intense emotion has descended upon us. A similar thing happens with procrastination in general; sometimes, it's only until I feel incredibly anxious that I'm able to complete a task I need to do.

It doesn't talk about it explicitly in this article, but I've tried to start really focusing on the emotions rather than what I need to do. For example, if I need to do something but I'm in the grips of anxiety, I'll slow down and focus on the anxiety and gently investigate it. There might be something beneath it.  It needs tending and is actually probably more important than whatever task feels so urgent at the moment.

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Why do you procrastinate? The problem is not poor time management. Procrastination stems from weak self-regulation of emotions and moods, which is a problem common in people with ADHD. But you can turn intentions into actions by finding your procrastination personality type and following these strategies.

Why Do I Procrastinate? Self-Regulation Is to Blame

You don't procrastinate because you are lazy. Or unorganized. Or even stressed out. You procrastinate because you're unable to effectively regulate your own emotions - a trademark symptom of ADHD. This is not a wild new theory; it is the finding from multiple research projects dedicated to studying procrastination.

"To tell the chronic procrastinator just do it is like saying to a clinically depressed person to cheer up," says Joseph Ferrari, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at DePaul University's College of Science and Health, and the author of Still Procrastinating: The No-Regrets Guide to Getting It Done. "It has nothing to do with time management."

Research shows that procrastination avoidance actually stems from one's ability to self-regulate emotions and moods. According to Fuschia Sirois, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Sheffield, in England, "People engage in chronic procrastination because of an inability to manage negative moods around a task."

"The basic notion of procrastination as a self-regulation failure is pretty clear," says Tim Pychyl, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at Carleton University and head of The Procrastination Research Group, which has conducted extensive research on the subject. "You know what you ought to do, and you're not able to bring yourself to do it. It's that gap between intention and action."

Self-regulation - of emotions, moods, and time - is a battle people with ADHD fight every day. The wide-open space that lies between the task and the time to complete it can be especially broader and harder to close for people with ADHD than it is for neurotypicals.
[Free Resource: Finish Your To-Do List Today]
Why People with ADHD Procrastinate More

Everyone procrastinates. People with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD or ADD) aren't the only ones who stare at blank computer screens waiting for the keyboard to start typing automatically. Neurotypicals also stare into space and don't know how to begin. They, too, put off going to the dentist until their toothache is unbearable. They, too, push the tall stack of papers to the back of the desk. Procrastination is a great equalizer.

But those with ADHD are masters at task avoidance. While waiting for inspiration, we eat, binge-watch, scroll through social media and do other activities that soothe our aching soul. My distraction routine usually means a dash to the kitchen for cookies, chocolate, or coffee. Even while working on this article, I had already polished my nails, eaten a bag of chips, and checked my e-mail since starting to write earlier this morning. Eventually, I realize I'm trying to disguise the feeling of failure.

Failure? Yes, indeed.

While everyone experiences the anguish of procrastination, the unfinished task may actually lead individuals with ADHD to experience physical and mental pain. Planning, prioritizing, motivating, organizing, and decision-making can cause a person with ADHD to become overwhelmed and shut down.

"Procrastination isn't a unique character flaw or a mysterious curse on your ability to manage time, but a way of coping with your challenging emotions and negative moods induced by certain tasks," says Dr. Pychyl.
[Free Resource: How to Focus (When Your Brain Says 'No!')]
Procrastination also exacerbates these negative emotions. Once the floodgates have opened, the negative voices come rushing through. We hear parents, teachers, friends, or ourselves saying we're not good enough, smart enough, or capable of completing the task. Lots of self-control is required to begin and sustain the effort toward completion. Regulating, commanding, and controlling your thoughts and emotions is one of the most challenging aspects of ADHD.

How do I Fix My Procrastination?

To lessen the discomfort and stop procrastinating, you have to learn more about your procrastination personality type, ADHD traits, emotions, and moods. Then, acknowledge which ADHD traits exacerbate procrastination, and apply these practical tips to help you close the gap in getting things done.

Types of Procrastination

The following are six procrastination personality types. See which one you fall under, and remember it for the next step.

1. The Emotionally Exhausted: Intense emotions are interfering with your work. Your fears, worries, or anxiety about unrelated situations-or the outcome of the project-stop you from starting.

2. The Dopamine Desirer: You need a spark, a thrill, or a jolt to get motivated. You can't say no to a night out with friends, a meet-up for coffee, or a trip to the mall. Until you have your fill of fun, your work won't get done.

3. The Focus Finder: You need to see a clear picture of where you're going with the task. The jumbled puzzle pieces won't fit together until you see the bigger picture.

4. The Deadline Driver: Time doesn't make sense until the cutoff point is near. A close deadline is the only way you can finish.

5. The Paralyzed Perfectionist: You can't start until everything is perfect. Overly critical of yourself, you fear failure. Perfectionism paralyzes progress.

6. The Overwhelmed One: You have too many options, so you can't begin. The choices are endless. Decisions are required. You're convinced the job will never get finished. You're immovable.

Procrastination Solutions

Now that you've identified your procrastination type, here are eight common emotions tied to procrastination avoidance and their accompanying solutions.

1. F.E.A.R (False Excuses Appearing Real)
We convince ourselves that our excuses are valid: I needed a snack to sustain my energy. My nails had to be polished because I was going to a party that evening. I had to check my email because one of them might be urgent.

Solution: Be honest with yourself.

2. Easily Overwhelmed
The options are endless when facing a task. Where is the starting point? We get stuck and stare into space. People with ADHD have frequent, rapid thoughts that cause us to feel bombarded.

Solution: Have paper or an app handy to download your ideas, so you can return to them later. Break your project into smaller pieces. Ask for help from a supportive friend, mentor, or therapist.

3. Overthinking Things
The same thoughts keep running through your ADHD mind. Breaking this pattern requires mental strength. We fall into the "what-if" trap, creating scenarios that torture us.

Solution: Be aware when you're stuck in worry. View yourself as an outsider to your thoughts. Take a walk, go for a jog, practice breathing exercises and mindfulness.

4. Blind to Time
Time may not be the main reason for procrastination, but it is a factor. Procrastination is the inability to perform a task by a specific time. The concept of time is a reality we must face.

Solution: Set three alarms on your phone for each task. Find your Big Why: Why is getting the task done important to you? What is the reward? Meditate on a positive outcome.

5. The Desire for Dopamine
People with ADHD have a shortage of dopamine, the "feel good" hormone. Boredom is painful to the ADHD brain. The yearning for a night out is stronger than the desire to finish a demanding task. Turning down an opportunity for pleasure requires willpower.

Solution: Put responsibility before fun. Build your mental muscles. Plan for a reward after you finish the task. If you can't resist the urge for stimulation, schedule a limited amount of time for a healthy, fun activity. Then return to the job and try again.

6. Fluctuating Energy Levels
ADHD emotions change rapidly, and so do our energy levels. Often we tell ourselves, I'm not in the mood. I don't feel like it. I'll do it later when I feel better. But when the time comes, we still feel unmotivated.

Solution: Know your energy flow. Schedule the most challenging work when your energy levels are highest, and you feel awake and alert. Food choices affect your mood. Pay attention to which foods help or impair you. Exercise regularly to stabilize your moods.

7. Distressing Emotion
We experience emotions intensely, and we have trouble regulating and managing them. Intense emotions adversely affect our executive functions. We harbor resentments, worry about loved ones, and fear future events. Unsettled affairs undercut our tolerance to complete a challenging task.

Solution: Write down or talk about what you can change and what you have to accept. Seek help from a therapist, physician, or ADHD coach if the distress, anxiety, or anger continues.

8. Hyperfocus or lack of focus
With ADHD, we focus too intensely or lack focus entirely. Hyperfocus makes hard work more comfortable. All systems are in sync, and you're working efficiently. Lack of focus is mental anguish. Unfortunately, it's not easy to access hyperfocus on demand.

Solution: Before you begin, clear your mind. Do something enjoyable or creative to ignite your spark. Try to work. If you're still not inspired, come back to the task later. A change of scenery will get your juices flowing.

Finding the motivation to begin, and sustaining the effort to reach completion, requires intense self-control. With a bit of determination and a lot of desire, a person with ADHD can gain the discipline to improve her procrastination.
[Free Resource: 19 Ways to Meet Deadlines and Get Things Done]
Updated on January 24, 2020

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Why Do I Procrastinate? Productivity Solutions for People With ADHD

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Why do you procrastinate? The problem is not poor time management. Procrastination stems from weak self-regulation of emotions and moods, which is a problem common in people with ADHD. But you can turn intentions into actions by finding your procrastination personality type and following these strategies. You don't procrastinate because you are lazy.

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This book is an excellent introduction to attachment theory. Regardless of whether you are interested in polyamory or not, check it out for that!

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"We can make our partners into the source of our hope, love, strength, ability to feel or regulate our own emotions, as well as the source of our meaning and purpose in life. Our partners can be the inspiration for these things, as well as the objects or focus of our love, but they should not be the source of it. You are the source of your happiness, love, courage, emotional regulation and purpose, and the sooner that you can release your partner from being the source of these experiences the better for everyone involved"

"Being present is not just putting your phone down for a few minutes. It is a way of being, from interaction to interaction, where you consciously inhabit your own body and show up with the best of your attention, offering your presence as a gift."

More quotes...

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"We can make our partners into the source of our hope, love, strength, ability to feel or regulate our own emotions, as well as the source of our meaning and purpose in life. Our partners can be the inspiration for these things, as well as the objects or focus of our love, but they should not be the source of it.

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People are not things (Duh, but do we actually practice this?)

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People are not things (Duh, but do we actually practice this?)

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The idea that people are not things may seem obvious, but is it actually practiced in a lot of our intimate relationships?

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The people in the relationship are more important than the relationship. 

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The people in the relationship are more important than the relationship. 

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I've been talking to a lot of people about this. It's the idea that a relationship is only healthy/successful/positive to the extent that all members are able to fully be themselves.

Of course, relationships are hugely important, and they are a central value and organizing principle in my life. But, it seems like a lot of relationships can ossify due to the relationship label or the roles within the relationship. I want healthy and loving relationships, but to me, that means that all members need the space to be and love themselves first and foremost.

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I feel slightly less anxious about my daily life, how much my socks smell today, and whether I waited too long to email that person back due to the existence of Black Holes, but I also feel a rising sense of underlying dread about how terrifyingly large and empty the universe is.

Like, I found myself musing to a friend that maybe it'd be better if we all lived in pre-Galileo times where there were no Black Holes or wormholes and none of us knew that twinkling stars were weird, dead clumps of mass (possibly now Black Holes themselves!) billions of years dead sending their creepy light to us across the universe. But in general, it's nice living now.

I wonder how astrophysicists are doing, in general.

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My friend Mike helped me hold a few truths

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My friend Mike helped me hold a few truths

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Like, maybe it's possible to nod to our relatively insignificant tininess (wow, I can't believe that's how you spell that word!) and also want to have a good, happy, worthwhile life.

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From my deep dive into both the Myers Briggs and the Enneagram, I am thinking a lot about a lot of things, but here's a few:

My need for meaning, spirituality, and alignment (soul food, inspiration, values, creativity, rich interior life).

A real affinity with harmony, both inner and outer.

My need for solitude and space.

Developing more resilience to tolerate healthy conflict, disagree with people, assert myself, etc.

Being aware of my tendencies to numb, distract, dissociate when overwhelmed, stressed, pulled in too many directions.

Structure, projects, and 'getting my hands dirty' can help me manifest and organize some of my many ideas/directions.

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Maybe there's no contradiction/problem there. 

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Maybe there's no contradiction/problem there. 

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The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.

You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep.

People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.

The door is round and open.
Don’t go back to sleep.

~ Rumi

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What can we move towards that will nourish us, enliven us, fill us with joy or pleasure in this season?

How can we move towards more wholeness and fullness and ask for what we want and need?