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Music can aid the audience to better appreciate the storyline by creating the right feel for the content in order to key into what emotions should be felt.  With that said, Kesha’s song Praying is the ideal song for a film adaptation of Theo Fleury’s memoir, Playing with Fire.  The song outlines the impact of abuse and victimization during her singing career, but more importantly, it thematically highlights the importance of perseverance and personal growth like that of Fleury’s journey.  Behind the scenes of the NHL superstar’s career, Fleury was a victim of abuse by a former coach, Graham James, that led to his self-destruction through alcohol and substance abuse, sex addiction, and gambling.  Correspondingly, Kesha describes her life of victimization by a former producer, Dr. Luke, who took advantage of her, drugged, and sexually assaulted her, “you brought the flames and you put me through hell, I had to learn how to fight for myself” (Kesha 1:40-1:45).  Fleury also recollects his abuser’s coercion and manipulation that rendered him how powerless and confused as did Kesha, “Well, you almost had me fooled, told me that I was nothing without you…and you said that I was done” (Kesha 1:17-1:23).  In the song, Kesha finally unleashes her emotions and feelings of perseverance and growth that rids herself of the raw pain and trauma, “Oh, but after everything you've done, I can thank you for how strong I have become” (Kesha 1:30-1:37).  A sentiment also shared by Fleury when he wrote, “For someone who has been abused, one of the hardest things to learn is that you can go against your abuser and still survive.  I know that now, but I wish I did before” (Fleury 127).  With similar journeys of recovery, having overcome the “monsters” (Kesha 2:33) of suicidal thoughts and depression, they “can breathe again” (Kesha 2:35).  In releasing Playing with Fire and Praying, both have told their stories that have allowed them to heal, which has changed their lives forever. Today, Fleury helps men who suffer from childhood trauma and many young children facing sexual abuse; Kesha continues to voice and stand up for people who have been abused hoping that they too can heal.

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The Scream painted in 1893 by the Norwegian painter, Edvard Munch, is the most famous representation of the modern man dealing with anxiety and existential crisis.  According to Munch, The Scream was a picture painted to represent his soul and an unrealistic style was chosen to paint his emotions in a moment of existential crisis.  Munch and his friends were walking down a road like the one in the painting with the beautiful, vibrant sun setting in background.  Munch stopped to look out at the sky in front of him, but his friends continued walking.  With the sudden feeling of aloneness, Munch had a panic attack, became anxious, and felt the weight of the world hitting all at once which is noted by the iconic haunting face.  Munch finds himself trying to block out the ‘shriek’ that is heard around him.  Coincidentally, while being abused, Theo Fleury refers to the painting in his memoir, Playing with Fire, “You know that picture The Scream by Edvard Munch?  It is a picture of me” (Fleury 27).  For this reason, The Scream is a great representation of Fleury’s memoir describing his struggles of battling demons and consequently, suffering from anxiety and depression that stemmed from the sexual abuse endured as a teen by his hockey coach, Graham James.  As a result of the abuse, Fleury “became a f—ing raging, alcoholic lunatic,” (Fleury 27) hitting rock bottom repeatedly and morphing into a ghostly, inhuman face after many “nights of partying, booze, coke, women, no sleep, outrageous intoxication, tens of thousands of dollars spent, impact on his health…” (McLellan Day).  Carrying out this lifestyle, Fleury finds himself alone but cannot cope with it, “And I had huge problems with being alone - it was like I couldn't have a relationship with myself" (Fleury 223). Living this life day after day, Fleury tries to block out the “shriek” heard constantly in his head, “People have been living in my head rent-free, and I’m just now beginning to realize I’m actually the f—ing landlord. Time to clean house” (Fleury 2014).

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In Theo Fleury’s memoir, Playing with Fire, he describes the impact directly imposed on his teenage years by his junior hockey coach abuser, Graham James, who sexually assaulted him repeatedly between 1984 and 1995.  Aside from the physical abuse, Fleury talks about the mental anguish inflicted, “He destroyed my belief system.  I didn’t trust what I was thinking or feeling” (Fleury 27) while being coerced and manipulated by an expert, "The most influential adult in my life at the time was telling me that what I thought was wrong was right” (Fleury 27).  When I reflect on Fleury’s life experiences and his story, I share a similar story of suffering from an abusive coach whose behaviour, for several years, was detrimental to my mental health and the sport.  With any elite sport, the coach holds a tremendous influence over players and in doing so, has an obligation to be accountable to and uphold a level of respect and professionalism in their conduct towards players – especially when you are dealing with young, impressionable females who are building their self-esteem.  Unfortunately, my soccer coach’s repeated verbal abuse affected my confidence, self-esteem, and my game.  He would yell at me during practice, use bullying to intimidate me during practice and games, speak with a mean tone, abuse his authority, bench me needlessly, and show favoritism to the point that he had me believing exactly what he wanted me to believe – I was a terrible player not worthy of his roster.  Throughout my life, I have always committed my time, energy, and dedicated myself to becoming the best player I can be, mentally and physically.  I have goals, and I remind myself every day about my goals. However, this one bad person and the experience tried to break me, beat me down, and force me to quit the game that I love to play.  What he doesn’t realize but I now do is that he made me stronger and a more confident player that will never be broken ever again. Every day, I continue to improve, getting closer to my goals.

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Over the recent years, there have been many examples of coaches in authoritarian positions abusing their powers with minors some of which are young aspiring athletes.  Most recently, a former national speedskating coach from South Korea, Cho Jae-beom, was sentenced for 10.5 years in jail for having sexually abused double Olympic gold medallist Shim Suk-hee at the age of 17.  Like Graham James, he manipulated and committed disturbing sexual incidents, that left Suk-hee scarred throughout her life.  South Korea has always been proud of its Olympic showcasing of powerhouse athletes winning many Olympic gold medals.  However, behind the scenes, the patriarchal country has been making headlines with recurring scandals that expose the physical violence and sexual abuse against athletes, many of whom leave their families at a very young and vulnerable age to embark on an intense training career with their coach. South Korean speed skating is just one example of a sport already known for its “intense competitive society where coaches hold immense sway over athletes’ careers” (May and Kim).  That same coach power is described by Fleury in his memoir, Playing with Fire, “He was my coach.  He was helping me.  He knew so much about hockey. He controlled my f—ing destiny.  In truth he was holding me back” (Fleury 27).  Unfortunately, it took Suk-hee five years from the start of the abuse in 2014 to come forward for fear of facing public shame while convicted abusers receive lenient sentences.  Although Suk-hee’s action is seen as a positive step forward to address the verbal and physical abuse in South Korea’s speedskating, Suk-hee remains hopeful that other victims will find the courage to come forward with their experiences.  Suk-hee, now 23 years old, finally told her story, like Fleury, with the hope that it will never happen again to anyone else.

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July 24, 1984

Dear Past Self,

I thought I would start off sharing with you what I know now but wish I did before.  For someone who has been abused, one of the hardest things to learn is that you can go against your abuser and still survive.

At 13 years of age, this makes absolutely no sense, but I want to tell you that the world is your oyster.  You can achieve anything you wish in life and go anywhere, including the NHL, because you have the special skills and qualities that will make you successful as an elite athlete.  Along the way, there will be highs and lows and sometimes it will feel like an everlasting low but always know that you are a human being never to be silenced, never to be victimized, and never to feel as if the weight of the world is on your shoulders.  For me, hockey was the most important thing in my life and although it saved me from a broken home early on, it also introduced me to monsters later.  Beware of monsters, do not trust them, do not let them own you and make you do things that you know are wrong. They will make you feel helpless and worthless, but you can stand up to them and survive without them!

It may be hard to believe, but your life experiences eventually, will make you just as great off ice than on ice.  You will do amazing and meaningful things for other people that need you.  Although you become that NHL superstar that you dreamed of, your true success will come when you finally learn how to love yourself and cherish your loves ones.  Believe me when I say, you will thank me for making me who I am today!

Sincerely,

Theoren Fleury