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In the quiet corridors of our hearts, it's the unspoken fears and doubts that ironically fuel our journey which serves as our silent motivators. These burdens, though heavy, bear the reminder that we must strive in order to avoid becoming what we fear the most.

In all sincerity, the very essence that sustains my breath right in this very moment is profoundly rooted in my connection with God. Despite enduring numerous struggles that tempted me to cease my own existence, just days as I pen these words today, I owe my endurance to Him and the unwavering faith I hold in His omnipotent influence and power. Honestly, these days, my heart feels burdened, and my mind is tangled with unsettling thoughts that weigh heavily on me. At some point, I am guilty of having thoughts of ending my life just to stop all the pains and sufferings that I've been enduring. But as you can see, I'm still going forward because despite the struggles, I have something that fuels me to spark light out from the darkness that been haunting me down.

Although life has given me so much reasons to stop and end everything, I know thay somehow God allowed everything to happen because He knows that I can overcome it and in the tapestry of my existence, I have friends that have been my lifelines, who offers peace and solemn paradise amidst the breathtaking dilemmas. Their support serves as a beacon of light in the darkest nights and has proven instrumental in navigating the complexities that I have faced in my life.

Yet, above all, it is the ties of blood that anchor me to keep on going. My family, with their unwavering support and motivation, it become the bedrock upon which my resilience stands. Their presence is not just a source of strength; it's a lifeline too which serves a constant reminder of why I must persist to overcome every hurdles along the way.

Nevertheless, when the day unfolds its last chapter, it's the luminous thread of goals and aspirations that propels me forward. These dreams, intertwined with my very soul, guide me through the uncertainties, pushing me to brave the uncharted waters of never-ending battles. In them, I find the profound purpose that fuels my relentless pursuit, transforming each step into a testament of resilience and hope.

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The reality of life as it is, is already scary for me. I have lots of fears that burdens my entire existence. It is like almost every day, whenever I am not doing anything, the fear of not being able to finish my education looms large, and the pressure to succeed is overwhelming as I stare blankly at the ceiling or in any empty spaces in no particular time of the day. Constantly, I  grapple with the evident fear of becoming a failure, and haunted by the shadows of what I've sworn not to become. Moreover, the people who once motivated me to keep going are my anchor, but the fear of losing them terrifies me. My loved ones, my family, serve as my anchor in every storm of life. Every day, as I navigate the challenges and uncertainties, it is the people around me who keep me grounded. Their support is not just a source of strength; it is a lifeline that helps me weather the storms. Whether it is the encouragement from friends or the unwavering love of family, their presence becomes the reassurance I need. In the face of fears about education, success, and the unknown future, knowing that I have a network of people who care about my journey is what propels me forward. They motivate me to keep going when the path gets tough, and their belief in me becomes a powerful force against the fear of failure. These connections are my sanctuary, a place where I find solace from the fear of being left out or becoming a disappointment. They remind me that I am not alone in this journey, and together, we can navigate the challenges that life presents at hand. As I confront the uncertainties ahead, it is the people serving as my anchor who make the journey not only bearable but also full of hope and possibility.

However, the fear of being left out by those who promised unwavering support, despite the genuine connections I've established, creates a profound loneliness that cuts deep into my soul. Thoughts and doubts about the karma that may await me for the circumstances that are beyond my control add an extra layer of anxiety which haunts and crashes my inner peace. Furthermore, as the eldest daughter, I often grapple with the weight of expectations which burdens me with the feeling like the last Uno card in the deck. It's quite heavy because I am thinking, "What if I'm not really the winning card all along?" I have always been the achiever, the one who always bring home the bacon. But what if I may not be able to do it eventually because the reality is a lot quite different and arduous to deal with? Hence, the responsibility of lifting my family out from the mud rests on my shoulders and thus, intensifying the fear of becoming a disappointment. This sense of duty is both a burden and a driving force that pushes me to strive for success even in the face of overwhelming pressure.

Yet, above all, the biggest fear that I have is losing my family, especially my mother, and this fear strikes at the very core of my being. The thought of a potential separation is a pain that transcends all other fears, motivating me to navigate life's uncertainties with resilience and determination. Although me and my brothers quarrel a lot, at the end of the day, I still have to stand in between as I am the eldest and I have to be the bigger person for them. We don't have our father with us anymore, and we're not hoping to be reconciled with him in any ways too. I only have my two younger brothers and mother with me. For that reason, I cannot afford to lose them, and although I get into explosive arguments with my mother, she still place a soft spot deep inside my heart. The bottomline among all the fears I've mentioned, is that I am afraid of being alone. That's my biggest fear, I fear that one day, despite everything, the people I treasured the most in this given lifetime will eventually leave me. Honestly, I don't fear death. I only fear the idea of being left alone or leaving my loved ones all too soon. However, in the midst of these fears, I remind myself to focus on the present, to take small steps towards my goals. Seeking support from those around me becomes a lifeline, and opening up to someone I trust about these concerns is a step towards light in the darkness. I'm not alone in these fears, and realizing that gives me the strength to face the uncertainties that life throws my way.

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Who am I? It's a question that dances on the edges of my consciousness, and truth be told, I find comfort in the complexity of my own being. To be honest, I feel like I am a canvas painted with intricate strokes of contrasting hues which makes an ever-evolving masterpiece. A masterpiece that could only be understood and appreciated by the artist who knows how to consider one, that is how I see myself. However, the mosaic of my personality, I often find myself reflecting the colors of the people and experiences that surround me. There are moments when I embrace the extroverted energy that I get from the people that surround me, wherein from there and then, I am able to feel the warmth of connection and camaraderie with the friends who became a big part of the person that I am today. Yet, there are times when I retreat into the sanctuary of introversion, and these are the times when I am seeking solace in the quiet corners of my thoughts.

To some, I might appear detached, wrapped in an aura that whispers both strength and solitude. In most cases, casual observer might see me as an enigma, seemingly untouchable and perhaps even intimidating, especially when I wear that blank expression – eyes carrying a depth of emotions, yet outwardly void of any discernible affection. But beyond the surface lies a heart that beats with passion, a mind that dreams vividly, and a soul that craves genuine connections. I am the product of both laughter and tears, shaped by the echoes of triumphs and the tormenting shadows of challenges. At the back of my mind, I wanted people to see that beneath the armor of strength and the confident stride, there exists a girl with a heart that yearns for a place to belong, a haven where vulnerability is met with understanding, and a soul that longs to be cared for because in the midst of the seemingly unyielding persona, there's a woman who craves connection on a level that transcends the surface. I am not just the sum of my accomplishments or the projection of my unwavering exterior. Even though I won't admit it, or even if I always have the tendency to push people away everytime things will go down the drain, I know that deep inside my heart, there's a desire to be seen, not just for the strength I exude but for the intricacies that shape me – the nuances, the vulnerabilities, and the unspoken chapters of my story.

I wanted people to see that I am more than just the unaffectionate and the cold person that they see. I wanted everyone to understand that I have to be like this because life has been too rough with me, and acting cold and detach most of the times is the only way I know how to survive and how to protect myself from this harsh reality. I am not up for any competitions nor having the desire to be on top among others. That's not the person that I am nor the person that I would want to become, and I hope people will see me through that. With all honesty, it is in those moments when my eyes light up with joy or well up with tears that you catch a glimpse of the raw authenticity of who I really am as a person, a friend, a sister and a daughter.

Nevertheless, one fun fact about me is that, whenever I don't like something or I don't like someone or the way they behave, you can really see the vivid emotion that I feel towards them or towards the situation. I can hide my pains, the sufferings that I keep all to myself, but I can never hide the disgust, the distrust and the angry expression, I can't brushed it off my face.

Thus, in the grand mosaic of my existence, I am a masterpiece. As I navigate the intricacies of my being, I hope the world comes to witness the kaleidoscope of my true self — a person whose every brushstroke tells a story of strength, dreams, and the pursuit of authentic connection. Beyond the veils of detachment, there lies a heart that beats with passion, a mind that envisions vividly, and a soul that craves the warmth of genuine understanding. In the symphony of my emotions, I hope others find the melody that resonates with the raw authenticity of my essence, recognizing not just the unyielding exterior but the intricate dance of vulnerabilities beneath. For in embracing the depths of my humanity, I unveil the masterpiece of self-discovery, a canvas painted with the hues of triumphs, challenges, and my unwavering desire to be seen as the captivating soul that I am. Hence, this is my truth, and I embrace it with pride, grateful for the journey that has shaped me into the person that I am today.