# data[].attributes.body
I never thought it that way before.
Every time I thought I figured myself out, it took a turn.
Sometimes for the better.
Sometimes for the worse.

I hate upsetting people but why is that I keep doing it without meaning to.
I am trying to save us both, but both are getting hurt.

I thought I was ready to love.
I was.
But maybe I want to be loved more.
Maybe that's my hidden priority.

I am trying to make things right.
For myself, and for him.
It's hurting me but surely is hurting him more.

It was never in my intention to let this sink.
I just want to save him from my denial.

Just like Jo,
I care to be loved.
I am scared.
I want to love but I am scared.

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Hi naf tantek <3

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I waited and waited
hoping it was not platonic
but the more I hope
the more it hurt

Maybe he's hinting something
maybe he's hinting that I should stop waiting
I should stop hoping

As of now,
I'm just going to close the door of hope.

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Tw: toxic family, abuse(s),sexual assault

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Tw: toxic family, abuse(s),sexual assault

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My nth birthday will be in this upcoming January and I've never gotten out of my house for more than 3 days without my parents. Aku semak. I thought after high school, I wont be at home but here I am because of the 🤬 pandemic.

It would be fine staying at home for a long period of time if I havent done it literally all my life.

What's worse is that as I'm growing up, I realize that my family is abnormal. I thought everyone's father curses when he gets mad. Sial, bodoh, babi are common cuss words coming out of my father's mouth. There are other cuss words that I don't get used to hear including women's private part (p**i). I don't know to whom I should vent to. My whole family are aware of this and everyone is afraid of him.

When my family would discuss about this (without my father's presence) , it would always result to

"nak buat macam mana, atok pun garang dulu"

Yes, this is a generational thing. My father's grandfather once threw my father out of the window when he was little.

I'm the 3rd out of 5th siblings and I wasnt tortured as heavily as my oldest brother (1st sibling). My brother have experienced it all; physical, verbal, emotion and psychological abuse. As it gets to me, the physical abuse I experienced only once (as far as I can remember). The rest abuse mentioned above remains until today.

The physical abuse story (skip if u dont hv the heart to read it);
I got lost in a mall and when my family found me, my father lifted me up in the air and kicked my legs from behind while I was crying. We were still in the mall and people were watching. I couldnt be older than 5 at the time. I remember when I was lost, I was crowded by strangers while I was crouching, crying for my mom. And the worst part is, neither of my parents pulled me out of the crowd. It was a random seller nearby and she passed me to my dad. I guess it was out of shame. Good thing I wasn't abducted though. I think that's the most memorable physical abuse that I have ever gotten from my father.

One thing I JUST realized is that my family doesn't communicate properly. The only rational person I can talk to in my house is my sister (2nd sibling) but we fought the other day and we currently are not on speaking terms.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm just serabut.

I asked for help twice; once during middle school and once in high school. Both of which I went to the counsellors (bad idea, i know. I learnt it the hard way). I asked for help from other teachers too but I don't wanna talk about it. (the results are the same) My middle school counsellor, asked me certain questions and I didn't answer honestly ( I was 9 or 10 at the time and I was scared) so she assured me that what was happening to me (my dad getting mad at me) was normal, it happens to everyone else as well and that it will go away. It never does. My high school counsellor seems caring, she asked a few questions too but then she talked more than she listened. I feel mad now that I think about it. As always, the typical scripted answers;

"she's still your mom"
"try to remember Allah more by berzikir and perform voluntary solat"

I did the latter and I admit that I feel more at ease but still, the problem doesn't solve.  I have anger issues now. And to be honest, I think I have always had it. Whenever I'm furious, I would curse and throw stuff. The exact same way my dad acts when he's mad. This rarely happens but I beat people up when I reached certain point of my anger. I beat up my older sister (the 2nd sibling) and two male classmates of mine (on different occasions). Once, I put a pillow on my younger brother's (4th sibling) face when we were arguing. I only let go when I realized that I could've gotten him killed. For context, I'm a female and I'm not proud of it. I told my then classmates to forget the incident but they thought it was funny.

Remember my communication issue that I talked about earlier? I think that sole problem has stunted my growth. I can't communicate properly with my friends or around people in general and I can't connect with them emotionally ( I will get to this in a few ).

Both my older siblings went to boarding (high) school. I failed to get to one. It was one of the most frustrating things in my entire life. And it's not like I didn't try either, I tried and failed both times (once when I was 13 and once when I was 16). So I stayed home with my mum, dad, and my younger sibling but due to age gap, I'm not close to my younger sibling.

During those times, I listened a lot to my mum's problems. I know most of her life stories and secrets including financial, marital and trauma. It might not seem problematic but one time she told me about her not getting satisfied with my dad in bed like wtf? I also know that she was sexually assaulted by her own father (my grandfather).

I didn't know any better back then but now I do and I hate my mom. At one point in my life, I realized that whatever I'm going to talk about with my mum, she's going to turn the subject to be about her. I can't never talk about myself. For example, the last time I talked to my mom, I told her that I think I need to lose some weight and she told me that I look fine, unlike her bla bla bla (continues to talk about herself). Yes, it made my bond with my mom tighter until I realized I always hold the position of the listener. Like, who tf do you think I am? A therapist? I'm your daughter, you should take care of me, not the other way around. I stopped talking to my mom (about myself) ever since I was 16. I don't think she realizes though. Now if she starts talking about herself, I just walk away or won't say anything. Most of the stories, I have heard of anyway.

During those times too, I witnessed my parents' arguments A LOT. I have a major grudge against my older siblings because of it. It was unfair for me that they were able to 'get away' from it by attending boarding schools. I remember not being able to feel anything for YEARS, not even kidding. I was unable to articulate genuine emotions like happiness, sadness etc. I couldnt cry for whatever reason and still rarely cry now. I can't communicate properly with my friends, mainly because I never experience a proper communication too. Because of that, I never really had any best friends. It was torturous.

What makes matter worse is that we (my family) aren't allowed to do anything loudly (cry, laugh, eat or any other normal things human does that requires sound). One time I was watching a sad movie in the living room and I cried when a character dies. I remember vividly my mom trying to shut me up because my father was sleeping upstairs and if he woke up, he would get mad at me. And by mad, I mean yell and curse. My definition of mad is probably different from other normal people but that's the reality I live in. This 'culture' has taught me to cry silently in my room or worse, not feel sad at all. I wasn't allowed to feel sad. I rarely laugh, I smile at most.

I'm tired. Most times I just need pure human connection, genuine act of kindness. I crave human touch. Sometimes I think of committing zina because I was so desperate. Thankfully I had no boyfriend. I never watched 🤬 but I have read smuts before so I'm good at imagining and sexting. I remember when I was walking with my mom in a mall and I tried to hold her hand and she tepis my hand. This was long ago by the way (probably during middle school). When I confronted her about it, she said that she's not used to doing it with her own mother. If I can't even hold hands with my own mom, you can imagine how it is with other forms of touch. I think the only times my parents have hugged me is during those motivation talks during big exams. That, too I don't think was genuine. I still remember the stiffness of my dad's body when he hugged me during upsr's motivational talk. God it was so awkward I wish I was dead.

I know I'm exposing too much of myself here but I still feel rather safe because of the anonymity and I never talked about any of this to anyone. Primarily because I have a relatively religious background and I dont want to buka aib of any of my family members but lately it has been too much and I need to get these off my chest. There are more things that I havent spilled yet but I think these are enough for the time being.

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sometimes, when i feel like it, id do my homework that's been piling up since the start of the school year. i always end up only doing a little though. but at least it's something right? school is starting again soon and im worried i wont be able to finish all my homework in time :( other than that, my grades are slipping and i dont know what to do about it,, i tell myself i'll study when i have the motivation but i never end up doing so. im worried the school counselor might call for me when school starts and make me talk about why i skip classes, dont do my hw and my grades getting lower and lower each time we have an exam 😿

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They believe we should take chances in life in order to find our true potential...

But no one warned me about the difficulties I would face...

It is my ambition to be the best of the best, but there comes a time when I say enough is enough...

I have yet to do anything that will make people proud, thus I do not believe I should give up...

Life is too short to be unhappy, and I surely don't want to dispute Allah's plan...

I'm just praying that my heart and intellect will remain strong enough to help me get through this...

This is the first time I believe I am having a nervous breakdown that is interfering with my career...

Normally, I just weep and then resume my studies...

But this time is completely different...

I do have a buddy with whom I can discuss my sorrow...

But I'd want to

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this semester is just ain’t it. it’s mostly full of episodes of mental breakdown and constant demotivation. dengan tests every single week, and assignment after assignment, tambah pulak a crappy and depressing personal life. i just feel like i want to restart everything. which is why i cant wait to go to campus this december and start fresh for the 2nd semester. kalau tak, bazir je masa and tenaga aku ambil foundation. its too late to back off so rempuh je la. tinggal beberapa bulan je. sem 1 ni i already expect that my pointer will be below 3.00 but i want to make sure that i will catch up for my 2nd and 3rd sem. i can’t waste my parents money and sacrifice.

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Dah 4 kali gagal dalam tawaran uni.semua orang dah study and dah habis sem 1 but i tak start ape2 lagi.malu gile nak jumpa makcik pakcik sebab takut malukan makayah.nov nih ade tawaran.doakan i dapat tawaran nih.nak dah hampir give up dah nih.rasa macam diri nih teruk gile ;(

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penatnya banyak assignment dengan kepala pening huhuhu

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hi, i just found out abt this things so here i am! i wanted to express my feelings, i feel useless i feel insecure with my current classmates , how they can catch up everything easily, im kinda feel jealous a bit on how they can make friends easily and i wanted to blame my introvert self for not being able to do so, i feel like im the worst person at this point i feel stupid , i feel like its better if i just like gone away from this world u know ;) i just needed someone to rely on but my family are also you know , not everyone have that happy family i felt like crying everyday and yeah i know that im blurting nonsense words right now but thats what i really feel right now, uni life isnt easy, i used to be one of the best in my high school, to add on i also used to be the vice pres of prefect and suddenly idk why im here help me ;)

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NAFEESA BUSUK

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EA SUSAH GILAA PENAT NAK FIKIR JAWAPAN
PASTU KENE BUAT CITATION LAGI HAA
#STILLEXAMNIII

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They say we should take risks in life to discover our new potential...

But no one told me about the obstacles that I will have to go through...

It is my dream to be the top among the top but at one point I think enough is enough...

I still have not achieve anything that will make others proud so I don't think I should give up...

Well, life is too short to be sad and I certainly don't wanna question about Allah's plan...

Just hoping that my heart and mind will stay strong to help me through all of these...

This is the first time I think I have a breakdown that really affects my work...

Usually I just cry and start to study again afterwards...

But this time around it is totally different...

I do have friend that I can share my sadness with...

But I want to look strong in front of them and not a crybaby like I used to be...

If I can't handle things now, how am I suppose to face the future...

So good luck dearself...

And for others who willingly taking their time just to read this❤

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So if you read the helpme09 that I posted last time, you would probably understand this better.

So yeah, I have an update for that story.

That girl texted me saying that she menyesal lah sbb dia selalu jealous and stuff. But she never mengaku yg dia santau I.

I have a gut feeling that only her parents know about it because she seemed so clueless. I never confronted her about it since my parents tak bagi. Ok, so she said that she wanted to apologise because mana nk tau, dia tiba ii meninggal dunia ka apa, I am still really hurt of what she and her family did to me.

Waktu darjah satu pun dulu, she seemed like she hates me a lot. My friends also noticed that I was being cold to her now and they asked me why. I just simply denied it and they brushed it off.

This year, I made a new best friend. But our friendship lasted for only three weeks bc of her. She had the audacity to tell my new best friend that I am actually sombong, berlagak and only using her because she's smart (my friend tu lah).

Fyi, i am not using her and I want to be her friend bc she is nice and friendly.

Me and my other best friends are doing just fine now alhamdullillah. But it just surprised me that she apologised.

Idk if she really mean it and her family might santau me again.

Do I forgive her?

Okay, bai :D

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I read a statement somewhere saying that being alone and feeling lonely are two different things. Truthfully, I feel like I'm experiencing both as I'm typing this.

I'm literally the only person in my class that made it to IIUM. I found out that a couple other high-schoolmates got an offer from IIUM too but they both rejected it and opted for Matriculation instead. Some of my middle-schoolmates also got accepted into IIUM. One even turnt out to be a coursemate of mine. But the truth is, we (middle-schoolmates) haven't really talked to each other for YEARS. Only a few catching ups here and there. I know for a fact that I've changed since then. Hopefully for the better. And it's impossible to say that they remain the same. I don't know much about them and they shall say the same thing about me.

Time goes by, things happened, both joyous and sorrowful. Too bad I've got no one to talk to, to vent or share my excitement to. I've noticed some people say 'I'm here' or 'Reach out to me if you need to'. No offense but personally I feel like it's odd to do too much of an info-dumping to a person you've just met. Which, ironically, is what I'm doing right now lol.

It's weird cause I'm actually an extrovert. I like meeting people but I can't do it over the phone. And as it turns out, I'm not the only extrovert to feel that way. The vibes of meeting people face to face and exchanging conversations in a group chat are waaaaaaaaayyy too different.

The worst thing that happened just a couple days ago was;

Change of Programme (COP) happened. Probably hundreds of students got through. Good for them, really. And so, there were a bunch of newcomers getting into our course's WhatsApp group chat and I was ecstatic. I tried to slip into a few convos, replying some, starting some but then I was hit with these exact words, verbatim;

"kau sape"
"aku tak kenal lah sape"

and then proceeded with a laughter before ending the conversation abruptly. It was coming from one of my initial coursemates too (not the newbies).

Now, I know I may sound too sensitive. Maybe that person was kidding, right? But the thing is, I was actually insecure about that particular issue. It is such a sensitive topic for me to even joke about it. I didn't reply anything and I actually cried after that. I can't help but to imagine what if we were on campus and someone says that to my face?

The fact that I came from an SMK doesn't help much. I am surrounded by far greater students. We are currently running an election for our society and we were told to 'sell ourselves' basically. We were advised to put some achievements of ours onto our posters so that they might be able to convince the committees/voters. I admit I do have some great achievements myself but compared to my other competitors who were coming from MRSM, SBP , other boarding and/or elite schools, my achievements seem.... average. I feel small and intimidated. At first I was excited and eager to win (or at least try to) but now I feel like everything is in the hands of the voters. I don't even bother to 'promote' myself anymore. If I were to win, then be it. And if I don't, well then sucks to be me, right?

I shared some of these issues with a couple of my (non-uni) friends and thankfully it helped. I tried opening up the matter of being alone in the university to one of my teachers (who was apparently an alumni of IIUM). I told that particular teacher I was scared of being alone as I am the only representative of my high school here and guess what the teacher replied?

"Back then, I was also an only student from [current state I'm living in]. Majority of the students were from [other states]."

and I couldn't feel any shittier of myself.

But on the bright side, I was blessed with actually nice and caring classmates (sectionmates?) . They were open to accept my jokes (even the hambar ones) and so I'm slowly trying to open up and show myself more.

I did consider the possibility of leaving my course's WhatsApp group chat but unfortunately there are too many valuable information being stored and shared there so I guess I just have to endure and pray things will get better.

Oh, and if you were going to comment some cliche stuffs, just.. save it. Don't even bother. I just want a place to vent and someone that actually listens, not just feel the obligated to do so but I guess this will do for now. It just so happens that someone shared this link so here I am lol.

_____________________________________________

Side note: I don't know who exactly is going to read this and how far this will reach so, if, by any chance you could guess what course I'm in or worse, find out who I am, I'm begging you please keep the info by yourself. Do not bring my vent / confession out of this padlet through screenshots or any other methods. Please respect my privacy, that's all I ask. And if you really want to help, just contact me privately or maybe reply my chat in the group instead of just ignoring it (:

Thank you to whoever may or may not involved.

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TAKUT !!!! TAKUT TAK BOLEH BANGGAKAN PARENTS
DAHLA BELI BUKU BERATUS RATUS , YURAN LAGI
WEEK 3 DAH NANGIS
RASA MACAM NAK FED UP PON DAH ADA
RASA INSECURE DENGAN CLASSMATES SEBAB SEMUA PANDAI PANDAI AND CEPAT FAHAM
TAPI I? HUH AMBIK MASA LAMA JUGAK NAK FAHAM SESUATU BENDA
PASTU CONFIDENT LEVEL PON TAKDE
NAK BUAT APA PON RASA INSECURE
RASA TAKUT ,
NEXT WEEK TEST , AND I STILL KURANG FAHAM PHYSICS
RASA STRESS SANGATTTTT
TAKTAHU NAK BUAT APA DAH :(
JUST NAK MINTAK DENGAN SEMUA ORANG YANG BACA NI
DROP SOME QUOTES OR ANYTHING YANG BOLEH NAIKKAN SEMANGAT I AND TAK RASA INSECURE AND BOLEH JADI CONFIDENT MACAM ORANG LAIN

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I wonder why I try so hard to live up to expectations.
mine and others'.
doesn't matter because at the end I will stress myself out if I dont meet it.

I tried reaching out to my friends.
but maybe they are busy still.
well, what did I expect?
I prolly did the same thing before.

I shouldnt be sad about it, should I?
what goes around comes around.

But,
I cannot hold these messed up feelings alone.
I wanna cry so bad.

I am sad.
I am mad.

I wanna scream.
So that it will go away.

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I know.
I know.
It hurts when you get disrespected.
It sucks when you get played.
Pain will be there for a while.
In the mean time don't forget to smile.
When it piles up the effects will be worse.
Don't let it interfere when you want to immerse.
You changed when it got to your head.
These bullcraps made me fed.
Come back, Ill be waiting.
Like I always do when you were venting.

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Why do I cried a lot when starting my tertiary education?...T-T

Bnyk btul aq menangis wktu asasi berbanding SPM T-T

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stepping in the university life, it's really hard to find new friends, and I feel so grateful for my highschool friends who were willing to be friends with me.

I'm kinda annoyed at those who say just try and meet new people.. like??? introverts like me takes up to 3 months to find a friend who genuinely like me the way I am, I don't even talk with my old 'friends' now :(

You may see on the sosmed introverts saying they don't need any friend but trust me, some of us need one since we can't even open up to our own family.

wishing to have a friend soon :)

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Sometimes i feel as if i could read my future. Not all tho but most of it. And i hate it a lot. Cuz most of the time, something bad usually happens just like what i imagine. And that's when things get reaaaaalllyyy hard. To me, i think my nightmares just became true. Even the simplest of things can turn really bad everytime. And im tired of it. Soulless. I blame myself, my fate, my life. Am i cursed? Cant things just go the way i want? It's not even that hard why cant i just solve it like everyone else? Sometimes the most easiest things like sending letters to office can turn out much worse than i expected. Problems and hardships got attached with this simple work. I got yelled and scold by my parents, strangers. I got judged by my friends and people around me. Welp i guess the world just hate me this much :'(

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i genuinely just hate everyone and everything at the moment. and truth is, its suffocating me a lot.

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When I started to feel like I belong somewhere, the world always has its ways to let them notify me of how different I am and not that being different is bad but it made me feel I belong nowhere.

I don’t mind being different. But, I do mind people wording their words wrongly when pointing out I’m different.
People can’t tell what hurts you and what hurts you not.

I feel like I don’t belong and will never belong.

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Am I the only one who gets this feeling where like when I'm about to do something I like, I suddenly feel like I didn't wanna do it? That feeling always came to me last minute and I can't like, push away the feeling. The more I'm looking forward to the event or some projects that I wanna do, the stronger the restless feeling will come to me. And it comes to me just before the event or projects that I wanna do. In the end, sometimes I would succumb to that negative thoughts and it would lead me to cancel plans last minute, and a huge amount of procrastination. I just don't know how to avoid getting the feeling and it's tiring. I need to control myself to not feel so happy about the upcoming events or I would need to think negatively just to avoid the feeling that came to me at the last moment.

I've been living in this situation for the past few years and for now, I still didn't know how to cope with this.

For someone who read this and dealt with this situation before, even once, please leave a like so I'll know that I'm not the only one who feels like this :')

Thank you for attending to my tedtalk

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im just going to share it here. i really love esports and being in a team. thats been a big dream of mine since the day i know the presence of esports. winning big tournaments, become a legend or an icon in esports. i know it requires a lot of hardwork.

one day, a friend of mine messaged me and ask if i want to be a part of his newly formed team. i immediately say yes  because thats what i really want. i was so happy that time like really really happy. i was assigned to play as a marksman. everything went well until one day...

some members in the team started to trashtalk me. at first i was fine and took it as a joke until it doesnt feel like a joke anymore. they even started to introduce their friends to the team captain to replace me. from that time, i started to feel left out by the team. they didnt talk to me and when i asked why, they said nothing.

i was doing fine. follow the rules that set by the team, join scrims (training session), analyse matches. but it doesnt feel the same anymore. i started to feel burnout until i dont even want to open the game client. the passion started to become a torture for me.

i tried everything to reclaim back my place in the team. i was even demoted from the main team to substitutes for no reason. i asked the manager if i can be the main team analyst even though i want to play, but they say no. at that time, i dont know what to do. it feels like i was there but i got nothing to contribute. when i ask when i can be back in the main team, they said soon. so, i just wait but it never come.

and finally, the guy that replaced me finally left the team because of his attitude and his performance. they started to call me back into the team and i agree to it. it was hard at first because the burnout was still there. its hard to recover but i managed to overcome it. we play several tournaments before disband because of unwanted issues from ex-players.

this story has been running on my mind for quite sometime. i dont know where to share the story and luckily i found this.

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News from the Telly
Depression, anxiety, personality disorder
Bipolar, Unipolar and the worst
Suicide!
Yes! Lots and lots of suicide.
Why?!

Tight academic schedule
Peer pressure, social life
Parents demands, family demands
Well, it cause me mad
Insomniac, maniac
I wish I could die
If I have a choice
But life must go on

So...
Don't die yet
You have a long journey to hike through
And we're still young.
So, young gentleman
Don't try to commit suicide 😌
Even though we need to face all the hard times,
There'll be some sunshine in it

Ash..

Ps : Sorry sbb theme poem kbnykkan lbih kpd suicide. I usually write to make myself happy even though it happens only for awhile

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I'm just a small, meek
I'm not a living thing
But I'm a hypocrite
I copy every nucleus in the cell
Regenerated
Break every DNA code
I was used as a bio-weapon
Start from a small city in The Great Wall
Spread across millions of living things
And make sure is unpredictable

I made millions of lives perished
I caused every doctor in the world
Risked their lives for the infected
Bully their brains, brainstorming
Ways to make me weak
To make sure I was dead
The fight from the living
Made me back up for a while

As the equinox come
I send a second wave
But not to the Great Wall
But to Middle East,
Northern Sicily,
Land of the Rising Sun,
The United States,
Causing lives perished
But some living tried to kill me...
The Southeast Asians
Looks like they found a way.

Too late, my mate
I'mat the top of the world
As the king of pandemic
It's time for the living to know me

Hello, living.
I'm Covid-19
Welcome to me world
Game starts in 3, 2, 1 ...

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White,
A symbol of purity,
Cleanliness,
Innocence,
Beauty standards,
A race and ethnicity,
Depends the individual minds.

A symbol of surrender in the war,
But some may take it to far,
As a symbol of disgrace.

A symbol of help,
But some may miss interpret,
As being lazy to work

A symbol of peace,
But some soaked it with blood,
By the problems of the world.

A symbol of purity,
But it was spoiled and turned down
By some satan-masked humans,

A symbol of mourning,
Equivalent to the colour of black.

A beauty standard in the East,
And they said we worship a race.

An ethnicity,
We call them as Mat Salleh
Or orang putih
Who we have met
Since the colonial period.

What is white?
It depends how you interpret it.
Like the colour of the flags.

Ash

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Something is natural
Which is not all of them
Not everything is natural
But fear, it is.

Fear is natural
In us, the human beings
Shown by the screams from your mouth,
Shown by the shock on your face
Shown by the tears from your eyes.

What do I fear,
Instead the fear of God?
The day when I die
By snatching my own life.

Sincerly, Ash

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its only day-2 of classes. why am i already this tired? why am i already feeling burned out? i have never felt this way before. this kind of emptiness. the feeling of heaviness to get up from bed and actually do my piling tasks. im just gonna regret it if i keep putting it off but i can barely feel anymore. everything is dark. sad. hopeless. even the gloomy sky agrees with me. why have i become this way? i know the answer to this. its that self-consciousness i drag with me ever since 16. that insecurity of being not enough. not smart enough. not brave enough. not competent enough. and yet here i am ending up in one of the most competitive uni with geniuses in every corner. i keep crying to myself, i keep thinking of giving up. but i can’t. i can’t give up. not for myself. for others, at least. because if i were to not have others, i would’ve gave up on myself a long time ago. sometimes i wonder how pathetic i look. i wonder what the younger me would feel if she saw me right now.

im sorry dear that i’ve grown to be a coward, to be pathetic. im sorry that i choose to be in the corner shying away from everything instead of being brave and free in the open just like you. oh how i wish i could be you again.

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What do u feel if someone took ur job and because u wanna be professional, u decided to get angry at them by showcasing ur ideas and showing them that that's YOUR JOB not theirs. But suddenly after that because u did that ur advisor got mad at you for doing things recklessly and in a rush without having a proper meeting or official meeting with everyone. AND NOW, THE WHOLE TEAM GOT MAD AT YOU EVEN THE PRESIDENT BECAUSE YOU MADE THE TEACHER MAD AND THE PRESIDENT FELT THE GUILT BECAUSE HE THINKS HE DIDNT DO HIS JOB PROPERLY BY NOT TELLING YOU THE PROCEDURES. and now u dont know what to do anymore. And the person who started all this didnt even say sorry and u have to say sorry to everyone because u were the one who got ur whole team in trouble. But u realized u should never let ur emotions got the best of you. And u shouldve just told the person who took ur job privately even after what he did. And now u started to realize that ur always in the wrong and never in the right because this shxt will be in a circle. Even how hard u tried to held urself. U'll always end up with people who have bad perceptions about you. Thats how ur life is. And u will start doing the things that u promised not to do after one whole month clean. Bye

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hi um before i rant just wanna say
tw self harm and bulimia
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tak ramai tau cause i hide it well, and i saw my friends reaction when we found out our friends cut, they were so sad and i dont wanna see them like that so i just.. pendam, my struggle w body image started in dec 2019, and somehow i became bulimic through out 2020, i hated myself so badly, my only self worth is based on how skinny i am, i used to get fat shame and bila masuk sekolah lepas pkp tahun lepas somehow semua puji aku, i felt happy like yes finally i feel accepted, but it backfired, kenapa aku buat semua ni just untuk diorang.. like it's not healthy, and it's eating me up inside, i changed myself just for them to like me, it was so so bad sampai depress and i started to cut.. sampai sekarang my friends taktau except for a few, i really wanna open up to them but cam tiber je kalau aku ttba hhhh, theyre such sweet people aku sayang diorang :>, i felt like dying most of the time, aku pendam benda sampai lebih setahun, imagine how bad it got, but alhamdulillah aku open up kat kawan aku, no one realised i was hurting but i know it would get worse so aku ended up reaching out to smn and just tell her, and eventually things got better, i still feel a bit sad but alhamdulillah im now 4 months free of purging/vomitting and 1 month + free from self harm :), i want to let you guys know that no matter how tough it gets, it'll be okay eventually tau, maybe not tmr but soon, try to reach out if you can, stay safe everyone :)

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if youre still hung up on your ex, then why are you with me.. sumpah aku tak faham, and the way youre so dense astaghfirullah aku nak je sepuk kau tapi tak sanggup aaaa, like im your current partner kan,focus on me la?? you confuse me too much like one day youre simping over me and one day youre grieving abt her like?? and you dont even try to hide it, it sucks bro, sakit tau, like i only think about you, but you think about both me and her it's like.. entah i feel played.. please dont play w my feelings, you dont know how fragile i am, and when i say i love you, you dont even say it back :( , it's like kau on off in love w me, it feels so one sided, you said youve moved on but orang move on tak stalk ex dia guna acc junior dia, cakap ex dia comel kat gf dia, buat resentment playlist utk ex dia and post status abt first love and moving on, youve always been honest but are you honest w your feelings? you said youve moved on but youre just in denial,     you just accepted the fact that she left you but youre still hung up on her. i wanna talk to you abt all this but aku takut kau marah, youre not the type to get angry and i know youll understand but i find it hard to talk.. i wanna let it slide but the thoughts are eating me up inside :((((

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You never tell me anything nowadays. Why does it feel like you're pushing me away? Why does it feel like you're treating me coldly? I wish I could ask but I don't wanna bother you. Yeah,I know you say you're never bothered. But,is that true? Actions speak so much louder than words.

Are you okay? Are you doing fine with a new school? I would love to ask but again,are you bothered.

Actions speak louder than words.

Yeah, I'm just overthinking. Afterall,we are just friends right? It's not like you have to tell me everything.

I wonder if you think of me like I do of you.

Teringat ayat yang terjemahannya lebih kurang

"Dan nikmat Tuhan mu yang mana kamu dustakan"

I'm sad when I think of you. But I can't deny that there's so many good things happening in my life. So, I'm gonna lock our memory in the drawer so it wouldn't hurt too much.

Don't worry! I'll open it up everytime you come and knock at my door. Since I feel like I have been too much ,then I'll wait for you.

Why did I think of you as more? This is why it hurts so much.

Friend. You're just a friend.

Everything will pass,insya Allah

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I hate it when people call me by my real name and not my preferred name. It brings so many bad memories.

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Hi there. I am not allowed to share this.. but its too much to keep it to myself. So please tell me your opinion. This year, my school had an election. I wont tell everything about it because it may seem too obvious if my parents suddenly found out. So basically, there are three candidates. I was one of them. We campaigned for about one month or so to find out the winner. I like to think of myself as an emotional person who likes to be surrounded by people i love. But that is not the case here.. so sorry :/. After the election ended, i won. So... WE CELEBRATED LOL.. Just with my family ofc. (Covid) so.. back to the story. So i won the election, what about it.. mhmm.. so after a few weeks passed, i started to feel sick and had a high fever. I cant go to school because i was really sick. First, me and my parents went to the doctor. He said, i had jangkitan paru-paru. I was shook. Then, i didnt get well for about one week. My parents decided it was time to go to the ustaz. Well yep. I kena santau. The ustaz read a coulpe of doas or something. But then he told me that it was my best friend who did it. Not exactly her, but someone related to her. AND SHE KNEW .. she kneeew. Time skip~ it has been a couple of months since it happened, me and my parents didnt tell a soul ;). Then... She did it again. I was still schooling that time so yeah. Every morning at school, we have to baca yasin and some other stuff. But.. i still remembered that time. I felt sick. Then i rushed to the bathroom with my other bestie(mostloyalbestieiknow) i puked. I dont want to describe more because its disgusting. Then i went to the office and called my mom/dad.. i forgot. They picked me up and we went home. That evening, the ustaz came and said that she did it once more. SANTAUUUU. I am still friends with the girl who did something bad to me. Should i still be her friend.. or should i break things up with her?

That is all i have for today. Pls ignore my spelling mistakes or shortforms.. and pls tell me your opinion. Thankyou.

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Tiada nafi,
Amat sukar untuk kita perangi,
Pemberontakan diri ini.

Tiada nafi,
Sudah lelah mata ini
untuk kita buka dan melihat
hari-hari yang seakan tiada ganti.

Tiada nafi,
lidah turut penat,
juga makin tenat
untuk mengucapkan,
kata-kata manis yang tiada erti.

Tetapi,
tiada juga nafi bahawa
dunia ini masih layak untuk dihargai
buat insan yang menghargai.

Bukalah mata,
bukalah hati.
Sebahagian yang indah di dunia
masih tiada nafi.

- 17 Ogos 2021

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First of all, sorry jadi Manglish sebab sepatutnya nak bagi dekat website counselor under university tapi lepastu kena reject sebab ada certain word kena banned. So saya tanya sini la. Mohon pendapat anda semua :)
1. Is it ok if I don't share my problems to others? Cause first I hate when I try to tell my problem but end up they judge me, second usually when I tell my problem nobody care. Because of that I always luah dalam Notes (tu pun untuk diri sendiri je) as long as dah luah
2. Is it normal if suddenly I cry without knowing what is the reason? Is it because there is actually something that I hide from myself? Cause my sister said that I am a person yang suka memendam. Dekat luar nampak ok tapi sebenarnya ada masalah
3. I think I am different person. When at night I feel like I want to tell anyone what I feel sincerely but then when a day, I try to not be a burden to others by not telling them what is my problems cause I feel like mine is a small problem.

I don't if those 3 questions have a relation or not, but hopefully you can help me :) thank you.

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Aku harap ape yang aku pilih nih terbaik untuk aku and masa depan aku.semoga dipermudahkan segala urusan untuk sape yang baca nih :)

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Oyen for PM ❗

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I wish someone had told me sooner that being a uni student is really tough and hard. I’m mentally exhausted with this ODL. And I can’t even understand what I’m learning. I’m scared to ask my friends so many questions because I already did. I feel bad towards them. What should I do? I hope things will get better. 🌹

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I love music. Who doesn’t right? Combination of music notes that can produce a masterpiece that can be played for many years to come. I love music cause it helps me get through my anxiety. Not just music, i love to sing too!

But you know, when i sing people will start to say “eh your voice can cause rain” “ur voice is not even good to sing”. Whenever people said that, i feel down and sometimes i think that maybe i should stop sing. But then I remembered the times i sing before.

I remember back in 2014 and 2015 when i was a choir member. I was selected to sing a solo part and that was the key to my team success. Im not joking, it’s true. And fun fact is, i was the only boy to have a solo part cause how high my voice can reach. Whenever i think of that, my interest to sing comes back.

I’m just singing as a hobby for now but i really hope that i can sing in front of an audience just like my choir years.

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best nya platform ni HHAHAHAHAHAHHXIWKDOWK YALLLLLL PLS STAY STRONG. IF THINGS GO WRONG ITS NOT UR FAULT DUH. MESTILAH SALAH KERAJAANNNNNN

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best nya platform ni HHAHAHAHAHAHHXIWKDOWK YALLLLLL PLS STAY STRONG. IF THINGS GO WRONG ITS NOT UR FAULT DUH. MESTILAH SALAH KERAJAANNNNNN

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We dunno the future, and that's scary cuz anything can happen

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A shell of anxiety.
A pearl of depression.
Everyone feels anxiety.
Everyone tasted depression.
But for a never ending battle within me?
People say they understand.
But they werent with me during my battles.
It isnt a now problem.
It isnt because "I didnt eat breakfast"
Screw them for thinking my problem is puny.
They didnt get pressured until it broke them.
Until now I never knew peace.
Unless im sleeping I feel afloat.
Hence why I like to sleep.
Even sleeping I pay attention to my dreams.
I got bombarded by nightmares once.
I was afraid to sleep yet im tired.
The most weird feeling to have at the time.
All these responsibilites sucks.
Everytime a ketua is needed I somehow get dragged into that mess.
The list goes on.
Very long and wide.
Can even turn it into bentuk piawai.
Im tired.
The temptation to jab a knife directly into my head is like a siren's call.
Beautiful yet hidden sins and consequences hide behind that temptation.
For years, four years.
I felt this.
Im tired.
God I ask that you give me a guiding hand.
Or atleast a faint light to follow.

-wrote this mysef, doesnt rhyme well but I think its beautiful.

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Everything seems like it's going to be hard. Learning and revising and taking exams. Making sure I'm not left behind in any subject.

Missing you but I'm forced to have my hands tied behind my back. I can't reach you and I can feel you're going away slowly but surely. Are you gonna be okay? How was your day? Did you ever think of me?

So many money used. How will I repay this? How many years till I can get this debt away in the future? What will my future be like? What path do I have to go to now that plan A didn't work out? Would I be okay away from everybody?

Dear Iman, how are you doing? My state of iman isn't high for quite some time now. Why did that happen? Did I do so many bad deeds that it closed my heart off? Ya Allah, don't leave me.

Dear self, search for the knowledge,remember everything has a solution. Baca Quran, at least a page a day.

"And in the remembrance of Allah, do hearts find peace"

Questions everywhere. But lets take this slowly and steadily. You can do this! Allah doesn't burden people more than they can bear.

To the person reading this,
You are strong.

Do me a favour and listen to
I believe-Christina Perri

Hope it helps if you have an overwhelming day or going through anything.

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sorry sayang i wronged you really bad. i harap you are always loved and cared sekarang. im not doing well too you. tapi i okay je steady je la macam biasa. i rindu u sangat!! tapi salah i dekat you besar gila so its ok. we’re better off separated i guess? nanti id hurt you more kan. ehe. take care! miss u

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Literally became the only guy without a group mate sebab orang lain semua dah ada group mate and kita tinggal sorang takkan nak groupmate dengan lecturer haih

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I think pre uni is something very diff from smk and the stress was too much because I don't have a high tolerance towards stress. And it's killing me because I'm really tired but I can't seem to sleep at night. I've been crying for 4 days straight and lit no one knows. I've become more quiet than usual and feel distant from my family.

I know for sure that this is the adaption process and it's gonna get worse. But I hope I'll pull it off. Please pray for me guys. May Allah ease all our affairs. Amin.

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It’s very hurt when someone u trust the most and have a very good relationship for a long time talk about you to somebody else.. all the memories of our friendship hilang mcm tu je🙃

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aku just nak mati. aku penat. life's been rough for me and i hate that i'm faking myself, my emotions every single day. i hate myself so much to the point that i can't even look at the mirror. i hate living in fear, loneliness. orang selalu cakap aku attention seeking, berlakon. aku letih. i just hope that there will be someone willingly to bring me out from this darkness i'm in and show me the light. please.

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I feel really tired. Imagine! 10 hours of class straight only with 2 hours of break! Strained shoulder and back spanking is like the outcome from it. (including ilmu). Also I only slept a few minutes last night to study the documents. Luckily class starts at 10am tomorrow, so maybe I can study the video for awhile.

If my routine keep on going like this, I would have shorten my life-span to 10 years.😥🙂

Also, I'm planning to write a journal on Wattpad (maybe as a stress-free activity so I can vent out everything out of my chest) so should I use English o just writing it in Malay rojak?

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penat bila jadi introvert, nak bergaul dengan orang irl pun susah, apatah lagi bila online. aku harap sangat aku ni tak nampak sombong. group section aku selalu bising, tapi tulah malu nak join

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takut nak melangkah ke alam universiti yang penuh misteri 🌸😪

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takut nak melangkah ke alam universiti yang penuh misteri 🌸😪

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aku penat la babi

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hii naf 🙆🏻‍♀️

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idk if ada orang bother to read this but i. don’t know what am i doing with my life. tbh i didn’t think i would’ve live this long, and growing into an adult seems like such a scary thing to me. i find myself still crying over the past, unable to let go those who have left me and those who are on the verge to. truthfully i don’t need any advices, i know life is a long journey and i’ve heard “in the end of the day, you only have yourself” sayings enough. i just want to let it out, and thank you nafeesa for providing a platform for me to be angsty. anyways, hope all of the people who landed here are doing okay

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Online classes make me sick! I am completely extrovert kind of person but I find it hard to express myself virtually. I become 180 degree complete different person. People might think I am sombong🥺 but im not srsly,, its just very hard for me idk. Idk if im too senyap or too friendly idk. What is wrong with mee😭

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Haii

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AKU SUPPORT 100%

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i feel like i should've done better bcs obviously i would have a better chance in my studies. but at the same time, i feel bad bcs im scared that im not being grateful but still, it bothers me inside. it's just hard to accept it. i want to be successful too and i want people to be proud of me. haih

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boleh !! hihi

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Bisaaaa

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hii naff!!