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Everyday we put on an image for others. If that image of ourself is perceived by others as in alignment to their perception of what we should be, we are rewarded with acceptance. This acceptance makes life easier as to not raise questions about others aspects about oneself that bleeds into others belief systems. If people think I identify with multiple genders that opens me up to people no longer trusting my opinions, teasing, scrutiny, and people dumping their unsolicited opinions onto me. There are many days it is just easier to put on make up, wear feminine clothes and not constantly feel like I am fighting for a cause. I know my work friends support me no matter what, but so often I am put in a position to educate everyone and it is exhausting. I do not always want to have this conversation. I just want to be left alone. That is an easier choice for me to make everyday than the rest of my family. In this visual paper I will show examples of what behaviorists believe are rewards and consequences to doing gender.

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Adem stopping to say goodbye to his hamster, Poptart before his first pride march, 2021. 

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When I took my son to his first pride march he wore a skirt, a brightly colored top with lots of pins, stockings with knee high socks, red painted nails and a full face of makeup. While Adem is clearly expressing his gender fluidity here by presenting to the world that he is non-binary, what truly says resistance to hegemonic masculinity is the way he is shown tenderly holding his pet. Typically it is seen to be natural for boys to not show emotion, and be tough and dominate overall, but he is displaying caring masculinity the way he is shown nurturing his pet. This is something most girls are reared to do. Adem does identify as non-binary, but he does still feel his masculinity. And it can look like caring masculinities such as these.

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According to Lawrence Kholberg (1966) children around 3 years old begin to identify their gender. In this image my now fiancé describes herself as always being a tomboy (a girl who likes boy things.) She never wanted to wear dresses and played soccer, climbed trees and was always rolling around in the mud. Males in our society are the standard for humanity, and girls are regarded as "other." At 4 years old, being a tomboy was cute. However, when Adem was 5, and just wearing nail polish, he was teased in kindergarten for 'wanting to be a girl.' Being feminine was more noticeable on Adem than it was on Tabatha fully dressed in a 'boys' outfit at 4.

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When Tabatha turned 19 she joined the military, and become a police officer in the ARMY. She moved up the ranks quickly by working harder in physical training, taking on extra work, and being stoic and prudent on and off duty. This was her way, as well as many other women who are successful in male dominant fields to validate their femininity to their male counterparts. When she was serving you could not be gay, and she had to hide her sexuality. She was expected to act like the men, but still appeal to the male gaze as to not be outed. That would mean sacrificing her whole career.

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In our family we practice acceptance on a daily basis. We value understanding who each other are, and re-evaluate who we are as individuals. We wear what we want and act how we want to within each others' company. I do not put value to roles in the family that are constricting. By doing this I notice my child respects my opinion because he knows my intentions are always to help without trying to fit him into a box that do not allow him to find his own way. My fiancé has become comfortable in her own skin now and is free to dress how she wants without judgement from us. My idea of a gender utopia is a genderless society. For those who struggle with who they are inside and who the world sees them as, it can stunt their potential for living their truth to the fullest.