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A week before starting this course, I experienced a depressive episode. Part of my healing process has been keeping a gratitude journal. Every day, I have to note down 4 things in that journal. In the morning, I must note my blessings and what I want to accomplish that day. At night, I must note what I was able to accomplish and at least one good thing about myself. As silly as this idea seemed at first, it has now become a daily practice that I truly find myself benefiting from. While this started out as a journal to help with my mental health, I found my leadership narrative within it as I started reading the books for this course. So far, this form of journaling has taught me to practice:
·   Self-reflection, self-acknowledgment, and self-acceptance

·   Confidence

·   Growth mindset

·   Challenging myself

·   Stress management

·   Motivation and striving for goals

·   Resilience

·   Appreciation of others

·   Being more forgiving, helpful, and compassionate

Speaking for myself, this artifact has helped remind me that leadership starts from within. It is my identity first. It is about my mental and physical presence, my attitude, and my willingness to tackle the challenges I face before I can show up for others.

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I've grown up with a "be strong" mindset. You don't cry. You don't complain. You don't depend on others. You make it through the struggles you face. This is common in South Asian families. Growing up, that was the status quo in our home and I loved it - partly because it's part of my personality but mostly because it made my parents happy. I was always the example given to my older siblings. "She always listens to us," "You talk so loud, learn something from her," "She never gives us trouble." If you can't already tell, I was the people pleaser. And it took me reaching my mid-20s to completely break that habit. I decided it was time when I saw how much it was ruining my mental health (it's pretty messed up). I would never openly talk about my struggles because I didn't want to appear weak. I should have been able to do that, especially as a child. I would proudly tell people how I cut my knee open as a 3-year-old and had to get stitches, and never cried once. I would tell that story because it's something my parents proudly talk about. But crying in that moment should've been normal and okay. It's this mindset that has led to a lot of problems for me today. It's also the sociocultural norms in Pakistan. "What will people say" is still something my mom says when she sees me posting about my mental health issues on Instagram. Or even when I advocate for important issues. "Oh do you really have to post that? You know your relatives will see it" - she says. But I've finally learned to break free of those shackles. For a few years now, my standard response has always been, "So? Let them think what they want. If they're going to judge me for being me, they're not people I want to surround myself with, and neither should you."
While that's something I've done on a more public platform, my gratitude journal was just for me. While people know that I have one, nobody knows what I write in it everyday, and that's how I'll keep it. The purpose of sharing my struggle on IG was for me to be okay with others knowing. The purpose of the journal is to serve as a daily reminder for why I'm here and what I need to do for myself and for others. It's a daily reminder to allow myself to be weak and then find strength by identifying that weakness.
It's been freeing, to say the least, to be able to be my authentic self. It used to bother me that it was happening when I'm nearing 30, when I should have been like this from the start. But, better late than never.

P.S. I do not blame my parents for my mental health struggles. There is no right way to do parenting, and they belong to a generation and culture where doing exactly as your parents say is the norm. What matters is that they're now open to listening and learning from their children. What also matters is that me and my siblings won't continue that pattern with our own families. While I don't have kids of my own, I've made sure my niece and nephew are given the freedom to express themselves as they wish, without fearing their parents' reactions. What happened, happened. The key is to learn from that and make sure we don't carry forward those oppressive mindsets.

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This is one of my key takeaways from Every Person is a Philosopher. While my gratitude journal has been very helpful, my healing process started with an Instagram post. As someone who does not like sharing too many personal life stories, especially the ones where I've struggled, posting about my depression publicly on IG was a way for me to tell myself that it's okay. It was a way for me to acknowledge that I wasn't strong enough and that it was okay for others to see me like that. Posting through IG was a cathartic experience that allowed me to write for myself first. It allowed me to process my feelings and come to terms with them. While I consider that to be a part of leadership, my posts also helped me connect with others facing similar struggles. I was allowed the opportunity to hear their stories and how reading my post was something they needed to read at that moment. While that had not been my sole intention, it helped me find leadership in storytelling.

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Before watching Nanette, I would never have considered standup comedy from a leadership lens. If I'm watching a comedy show, I'm doing it with the intention of just mindlessly watching something entertaining and getting some laughs out of it. Watching Hannah use her platform to talk about an issue important to her was eye-opening. It made me reevaluate how I write myself as a leader. Having always tried to define myself through a particular leadership style, I'm starting to realize how it helps to first start with yourself and acknowledge the things you need to change within you to be the best leader you aspire to be.
While still incorporating humor into it, Hannah dared to speak out even if it wasn't a comedic performance and didn't get many laughs from the audience - the basic purpose of doing stand-up. She dared to use that platform for good, to possibly bring about a positive change. In doing so, she also dared to be self-aware. She spent her whole life creating a perception of herself that isn’t positive (and that’s been influenced by the sense of homophobia she’s always been surrounded with), and she talks about how she plans on changing that, starting with changing the language surrounding how she talks about herself. She dared to put a stop to the self-deprecating humor. Through her storytelling, vulnerability, and self-awareness, she dared to lead.

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As somebody who has never done well with choosing one path – right or wrong – I could relate to Meredith Lemon’s story. For the first time, it actually felt like somebody understood where I was coming from. Just as an example, whenever someone asks me to provide reasons for something they think they should do or to determine which path they should take, I always ask them what they think is better. It’s not because I don’t know the answer, but because what I think would work for me in that situation might not work for them. That doesn’t mean my way is better or theirs is not. It simply means that there is no right or wrong in a given situation. What is right for me is right for me, even if it’s wrong for someone else. We each have our own story to tell and our own paths to navigate.

This is something I have struggled with for a long time. I struggled to find my way through secondary school and high school because the colonized curriculum we were taught in Pakistan did not work for me. For the longest time, I felt stupid because everyone else around me was getting good grades and getting into top universities across the world, while I didn’t fit anywhere into that narrative. And nobody taught me that my narrative wasn’t wrong. At the age of 19, having finished high school, I outright told my parents to marry me off to someone because I did not know what I was doing with my life. I’m obviously now glad that didn’t happen because I finally understand that me not fitting into my surroundings didn’t make me any less smart than my peers. I just had my own way of acquiring and processing knowledge – which I now realize to be a decolonized form of knowledge acquisition.

I have always been the type of person who likes going with the flow and seeing where the world takes me, and I think I’ve done my best learning in that way. We are told that we won’t have any career prospects until we have, at the very least, a Masters degree. We are taught that our worth is based on how much structured education we have received. I almost went to a different university in Canada to pursue a Masters degree in Clinical Psychology, but my heart kept telling me to accept UVic’s offer. Because of the society we live in, I figured my best chances of having a good life would be to opt for that clinical psychology degree. I’m happy I ended up listening to my heart because, despite this degree not being something I had considered before, it has allowed me to learn the most that I have ever learned in an educational institution, while actually feeling like I’m learning something. It’s knowledge that’s decolonized. It’s knowledge that teaches you about yourself first, so that you know how to navigate the world. While I understand that structure works for some people, it’s also okay to not have that work for you.

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Instagram post by A Quote A Day Makes It OK • Oct 10, 2016 at 6:25pm UTC

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Oct 10, 2016 - 25 Likes, 2 Comments - A Quote A Day Makes It OK (@aquoteadaymakesitok) on Instagram: “#quotes #affirmation #quoteoftheday #dailyquotes #quotediary #inspiration #quote #onequoteaday…”

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During times of crisis, playing the blame game is very easy. Anything that doesn’t require you to take responsibility of your own choices and actions is very easy. Especially during crises, being overwhelmed by uncertainty often causes us to succumb to a helpless mindset that quickly takes on the form of anger and blaming others. Blaming others for our circumstances is a way to regain some semblance of control over our lives. This is something I used to do. It was easier to blame the universe for everything wrong going on in my life. I quickly learned to stop doing that during my teens, after seeing my friend do the same thing and realizing my annoyance whenever he did it. While I didn’t have the vocabulary back then to explain it, I now realize that the blame game was disempowering me even more because I control very little outside of my own actions. But then there’s also that fine line between blaming the universe and blaming yourself too much, because the latter can lead to this self-labelling of sorts that will make you feel powerless to change your circumstances. I can see now that assuming more leadership and agency in my life has helped me to work through uncertainties in my life. Taking radical responsibility over easy defeat has allowed me to make deliberate choices to show up for myself every day.

How have I done that? It wasn’t easy. It took me years to reach that level of agency and I know I’m still learning and progressing as I gain new experiences.

The first thing for me was to realize that I don’t have to have everything figured out, as long as I’m willing to make the effort. Assuming agency in whatever capacity I could allowed me to work through a lot of challenges and build a better understanding of myself, my strengths, and my weaknesses. I did a lot of self-reflection (and continue doing so) and make intentional choices to influence my present and my future.

Second, I question my own assumptions and understand that I can be a leader while also still learning.

Third, I now know what motivates me and understand that motivation is different for everyone. More importantly, I bring motivation to my own work, not the other way around. I’ve often faced emotional struggles and procrastination. My god, the procrastination. Here’s what I do now (and this is quite a recent development thanks to my depression – yay). Organize your space. Keep a calendar. Start small. Break down your work for the day into small manageable pieces and work from there. Small victories as I accomplish each task for the day builds momentum and snowballs into a big win by the end of the day. That’s how I stay motivated.

Fourth, I’ve rebranded myself. Life is nothing but ups and downs. If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how carefully laid plans and life trajectories needed to change in order to adapt and survive. But the trick is to reinvent yourself without losing sight of your values and goals. One way I’ve done that is by owning the narrative of my reinvention journey. As an example, my other posts will tell you how I’ve openly started talking about my depression. They key was to own that narrative so I could start reinventing myself, in a sense, and make sure I wasn’t making the same mistakes I made before.

At the end of the day, assuming agency isn’t that easy. But it’s either that or feeling paralyzed and living within that vicious circle of self-defeating stories. By taking agency of my life, I’m creating space for self-reflection and self-acceptance needed to live with integrity.

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Watching Crip Camp has made me reassess how I view my values integral to a change in my attitude. The film shows leaders in the making. It shows adaptation as a way to achieve more liberty and effective advocacy. It shows the power of building relationships and communities. It shows persistence and resilience, both of which are integral to skillful leadership. It shows us the value of being great leaders while embracing the concept of progressing towards more inclusive spaces.

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I grew up thinking of leaders as people who know what they’re doing (or at least make it seem that way) and people who have the answer to everything. This was the story I knew before and so I never even bothered thinking of myself as a leader. I was never that person. I’m still not, but I now know that’s not what a leader truly is. I readily accepted I was a follower who just needed to be told what to do. Never questioned it until, I guess, a year ago. The more knowledge I’ve acquired over the years, the more I’ve come to understand a leader as someone more than within just an organizational or political setting. Now, I can at least think of myself as potentially being one, and self-reflection and self-awareness have been a key part of coming to that realization. What I aspire to be is a leader who speaks from experience, who creates a learning environment for everyone, who is willing to bring change even in the face of adversity, who doesn’t necessarily see themselves as a leader and whose sole agenda is not power.

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Learning is a continuous process and from that continuous learning comes growth. Through my instructors and my peers, I've come to learn a lot about leadership, but I know there's still more to learn. While self-reflection and acceptance have been a major focus for me this year, I think I'm finally at a place where I can do that while also focusing on growth within professional settings. As a graduate student in leadership studies, a key part of my learning has been dismantling certain mindsets and using newly acquired knowledge to reframe my understanding of what a human - not just a leader - ought to be. For now, I'm going to continue dismantling oppressive mindsets and hopefully find my way towards influencing others to do the same. I'm going to be the change I want to see.

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