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Hi Caden! I loved the details through your whole story. For example “ After her 1 and a Half hour speech, we were sent home, which was one of the worst punishments possible on Venus. There was less entertainment than watching paint dry”. This really really helped me understand the Boredom that was going through in the event. Also I really like the Beginning of your story. For example “ I gasped as the body as pale as a ghost slowly walked out of the closet, glaring at each one of us, one at a time.” This really hooked me into your story. However, I think in this part of your story “ Smoke still filled the hall,” I think you could have added figurative language to this part, it would make it more detailed. But Evrthing else was amazing, I loved your story.

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Hey Caden! Something I really like about your story is your ending. It is really unique to the story, especially since it doesn't have a good ending. The part that he is basicly a slave made the story 10 times better.  Another star is the dialogue. You only used it when you needed it. For example, instead of putting “Mumbling under his breath ‘I hate you’” You put “He spat at me when I passed by.” Something you could work on is the reson why they basicly made them a slave. While putting them in closet is bad, is it really enough for him to become a slave? All in all, good job Caden!

(Incert mean comment here)

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I think you did a good job with the descriptive language. I also thought that the plot was cool. I wish that it wasn’t so long.

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Hello Caden! One piece of your story that I think you did very well was showing how you felt as you got pulled and pushed around. I think this really helped me understand the pain you were going through and how difficult your life was. Another section of your story that was very good was in the beginning when you deeply described Margot coming out of the closet. I think you did very well describing her appearance when she can out. I think you also did a very good job describing how you had no regrets. Even though your piece was very well-written one part I think you could improve on was describing why people on Earth hated people on Venus and why people on Venus hated people on Earth. I think this would have helped me understand the conflict better.

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I like your essay and I think it is descriptive. I also like that you stated all of the info. I wish you could fix spelling errors.

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A strength of your essay is a line in your hook which says “His 5 hours of sleep the pervious night attacked his eyes, attempting to tie them closed.” I like this line because to me it shows that the young boy wanted more sleep and didn’t want to go to school. In addition to that I enjoyed reading your second warrant talking about how much a student improves with more sleep. A suggestion for you is that your title “LET STUDENTS SLEEP” I feel could end up being a little more persuasive. For example, you may want to vary your word choice so that the title sticks out more. Overall, I enjoyed reading about your topic!

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Hola Caden. I really loved your essay. I adored how you really pulled me in with a great mini story right in the beginning, it caught my attention and got me ready to read more about this. I also loved the way you ended the essay perfectly exactly where it should have ended and how you ended it with no unanswered questions. Although your essay was great there was something that stood out to me while reading. Your anecdotes in your warrants didn’t really make sense the whole time. They didnt have to do with the subject at sometimes. Other than that your essay was perfect. Continue writing amazing pieces like this! 🥬😁🥳💕🥬😎🥬😒😇💕😁😂😒

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Hi Caden, a strong part of your essay was in your warrants. The anecdotes really helped me make a picture aa scene in my head of what’s happening in school because of  early school start times. Also I really liked your ending paragraph because it really pulled me into it wanted to make me start helping. Although I would recommend putting in more evidence to help the reader understand but overall your writing was amazing

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Hello, Caden. One strong part of your essay was all of your strong persuasive word choice. You see this in your paragraph when you wrote, “Imagine a mom who’s tears fell down her face like rain on a car window.” This helped me further understand your persuasive essay. Another powerful section of your essay was your anecdotes in your warrants and opening paragraph. These helped me picture a scene of what would happen or what is happening because of late school start times. This helped me understand the essay much better. However, I would recommend that you use some stronger transition words. Some words don’t make the transition from part to part strong. I would recommend you add transition words to places where you don’t have them or make some transitions stronger.

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Your memoir was the best I have read of this entire project. You described how you felt amazingly. This is the most descriptive thing I have read out of all the memoirs. How you told us as readers how and why you choose your decision. You made it understandable the whole time and it felt like I was in you at that moment. As well as how the lesson you learned was amazing and it was beautifully put. The whole thing was a great memoir and I had to really go digging for wishes. There are a couple grammar and miss typed words in the piece. Other than that it was amazing

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A strength is how descriptive he showed how you were in the moment it made feel like I was there. In addition, i like how you described something that you felt like instead of what you were. In example, “I was a lion about to pounce.” A suggestion would be to not add “ marks for inner thoughts.

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Kind comments only. I reserve the write to make fun of unkind posts. No cursing as well. Please enjoy and all writing is on my google site

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One part of your memoir that you did very well was really slowed down the moment. I feel like you turned just a few seconds into an important moment with your words. This really helped me understand every detail that happened. Another very good part of your story is when you added lots of inner thoughts. It really helped me connect to you in the moment. One example of this is when you wrote “Was this what I wanted? Is this the solution? YES my other half screamed my friend needs revenge” it really helped me connect to the inner conflict you were having. I thought that even though you did an amazing job you could have added some more details on what exactly was happening. I felt like I was missing some important parts of the story that would have made it more clear.

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wow!!! Caden’s this was very descriptive I really enjoyed that I enjoyed everything about this something I enjoyed a lot is how you slowed down the moment and how you were thinking about if you should step in or just let it be it was cool how you said “my dad told me to defend myself but does this count” this made me excited and scared wondering what your next move would be.  I liked how you kept this piece mysterious and how you didn’t include anybody’s name and how you referred to people as “friend” or “attacker” this made me think and wonder who and where this was. Something I wish you did was explain did your friend hit someone did someone hit your friend did someone hit you because you're arm was stinging I don t know if you did this on purpose to make it more mysterious but it confused me besides that great job caden 👍

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A star about your about me “Caden's Mammoth Masterpieces” is that you hade little side/footnotes like when you said: Life is crazy, weird, random, and exciting. Guess what else is? (and no, I am not talking about siblings).” Another thing I liked about it was that your ending and beginning were hooking me on and kind of wants me to read your other stories or “witty writing.”However when you were listing all the foods we would see you eating maybe you could say what. Your favorite of those bare but other from that it’s was really good.

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one example of a good thing you did in your writing was the opening and closing of your about me piece. When you said “Take a glance around, and get your popcorn ready for a crazy, dramatic adventure,” I got all excited about your writing. Another example of a good thing you did in your about me piece is you gave me so much info on who you are (even though I already know you really well). One example of this is when you wrote “you can find me outside playing any sport (except basketball, whenever I try it comes back and hits me in the face, literally.),” which really cracked me up. One thing that I think you cloud have improved some in your writing is be more specific on some topics. One example of this is when you said “eating foods from around the world like sushi, tacos, Indian food, Cuban food and many others,” I was wondering what Indian food and what Cuban food.

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A strength in your “mammoth masterpieces.” Is how your first sentence immideatly excites people and gets them excited to read on even further. Its very explosive and starts off the essay off amazingly. Another awesome thing is how you explain that you like different foods and you like many different things. However i wish that it was a little longer so we could hear your reasons on to why you like and don't like certain things. P.S. quote is 11/10 🤣🤣😭😂👍😎✌️😳😒😁💕😒😍💅🐝👌🤬🤩🤬🥺🥳😖🥳😓

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I love the segment about alarm clocks. Like, what the heck. I know about “How you're supposed to wake up on time” or whatever but your cat does that for you meowing at 4 am begging for kitty treats. The part about basketball is really good. Like any time I pick up a basketball, I make a bunch of shots but then all of that gets thrown out the window when you get hit in the head with the basketball. And at last, the part you will cringe at reading, the beginning. It took me 24 hours of wondering what you meant by “(and no, I am not talking about siblings). I get that it was kind of a comedic relief but it still took me a little to understand what you were trying to say. See you soon!

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I love how much detail and description was in this about me, it was exciting,funny and fun to read. I really enjoy that one of your quotes were "I enjoy a dark roast American with a double shot to boost my spirits,". It was funny and Made me laugh.  To add on I enjoyed how and why you explained you dislike basketball. It was true and funny at the same time.  Somthing I wanted you to do was add more. It was so interesting I wanted to read more but besides that it was great 👍!

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I love how much detail and description was in this about me, it was exciting,funny and fun to read. I really enjoy that one of your quotes were "I enjoy a dark roast American with a double shot to boost my spirits,". It was funny and Made me laugh.  To add on I enjoyed how and why you explained you dislike basketball. It was true and funny at the same time.  Somthing I wanted you to do was add more. It was so interesting I wanted to read more but besides that it was great 👍!