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The addition of the sensory overload was really interesting while keeping our focus. It added a sort of environment and atmosphere that gave me a mix of Mac and Midsummer vibe. Considering my fairy movement was used this fit really well. I was really excited that my gesture got noticed and was used today because usually I’m not seen or called out. It was interesting how some people had interpreted my gesture as closing themselves off from everyone when I had originally intended for it to be a playful and cheery gesture. I got into this odd headspace where it almost felt like I was in midsummer again except it felt more real. When I laid down there was a moment I was surrounded by people walking very close to me and I thought briefly ‘what if someone steps on my hair?’ and something in my mind just said ‘yeah, what if?’ I just felt like if it was going to happen I was going to let it. It felt almost magical when I was surrounded by all these people that are stepping so close to me yet never stepping on me or looking at me, it was almost like I was actually invisible. This time I felt like I was almost pushed to the back of my mind and I had become merged with her in a way. That was a really weird feeling but it was really cool to become that in tune with myself and what I needed my mind to do. The only time I ever got out of focus was due to a random caffeine burst from chugging my coffee first hour, now I know not to do that though.

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When we had to choose a character to portray with a motion I decided to not choose any of the characters I’ve played that had lines to challenge myself to try to get into my fairy from midsummer. I started thinking about how I could portray a very playful and mischievous being that no one else can see. I chose to stand on my toes because that’s how I had walked during midsummer, and at the last second before we started to move I chose to do something that looked like I was playing peekaboo but with very exaggerated yet graceful movements. I was going to interact with more people by poking them but felt that I would risk getting too much into character that way and I would start acting instead. I did try to change levels a little bit by changing the way I stepped but I had a difficult time staying on my toes that way so I decided I would rather not break my focus that way. It was a really interesting experience to get into such a playful and cheery character without smiling and trying to show her through body movements while making sure my face stayed neutral. I think using soft focus to portray a character could be a really good way to get into character in a way that you have to think about how long they would hold their focus on something or someone, or even just how they would move if they were in soft focus. It deepens your connection to a character in a way that you have to become them, thinking and moving like they would, interacting with different people from the character’s point of view. (Side note: Went to the doctors and got some new stuff to hopefully help, got the painful ones almost under control, now it’s just the aura that’s been delaying my posts because I haven’t been able to type. One post was mostly lost because I typed it three times on here but it doesn’t save things if you leave it before posting. By the time I typed some of it in my notes I had gotten a migraine)

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First things first: One-I need a genderbent Cinderella with Frank as Cinderella and Noah as one of the step sisters STAT. As much as a story wasn’t supposed to be told, that was beautiful and I loved it so much. Two- I learned to not try to stand on my leg that I hurt this morning while trying to stand on it while it was asleep (It tried to bend the opposite way and I might have messed it up a little.) Okay, on to my personal experiences and important things. When we started the Hansel and Gretel thing, I automatically gravitated to the witch in the beginning, I think my mind had me trying to portray how she had seen them as prey by circling people like a vulture circles a dead animal. I broke away from this a few times to walk around and then I saw the trail of people interlinking hands and I broke it apart. Jacob had broken me of my “evil” path when he made me get on the ground and seemed to put everyone he could in a group. I took this as symbolizing the oven. Everyone else was just following and not resisting and I felt like I needed to move and do something to stop this from happening, so I got up and pushed him away before I started offering my hand to the others that were in the group. I wasn’t really thinking but I just felt like once I was the first pushed down then I needed to do something to stop it. I feel like the way the story separated was interesting because I saw people possibly cutting down trees and that helped the idea of the forest. It was almost like how the rest of the town was going into this famine and it showed that it wasn’t just the witch that went to these extremes to survive. Cinderella was a bit odd for several reasons. Some people knew exactly what they were doing  which led them to tell too much of a story. Other people seemed to be lost and unsure of what to do. I personally was drawn to Frank because I didn’t think a guy would do that and it was kind of fascinating. Frank never forced anyone to follow him but people tried to force him into other things. I feel that when people try to force others to follow what they want them to do, their intention gets muddled and snaps people out of their soft focus. There were also at least three clear stories taking place at once. Noah and Sebastian had taken up the step sister’s parts quite well, I almost laughed when they started crawling. To me it seemed to be because the sister’s cut off parts of their feet in the story so I think that was their intentions with that. I could be wrong but it’s funny to think of it that way. These are really interesting to do, especially when I’m now unconsciously starting to take a bit of control in some situations.

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Today was interesting. I did snap out of it a few times when my shoulder was grabbed. Anna had come up to me during the fire alarm and said that it was a really good day for me from what she saw. It’s interesting because I really did not feel like I was in it. I was a little bit but I felt too aware of things around me and it was slightly irritating. I didn’t have many connections with people like I usually do. I helped Frank stand up and I had stepped over Ethan when he was crawling but that was all the interactions I initiated. Lexi had grabbed my shoulder twice at different times and she had a kind of rough grip that took me out of it for a few seconds. Also fire alarm...woo...

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I’m gonna be blunt and honest: This fucked me up. I didn’t think it would. I didn’t even realize the thing I was focused on was even an issue anymore. I’m not sure if I let go or if I just brought up old things I had suppressed from when my dad died. This was intense and I’m not sure if I’m over it or how long it will take to get over it. First I’ll talk about my movements and interactions then I’ll vent and explain what was going through my head. When it started I had already started crying but I just let the tears fall. I don’t cry in front of people much so this was an experience for me. Also something told me to wear waterproof mascara this morning, I didn’t listen. My nose started running and I didn’t feel like I could just move my arm up so I just went down and cried into my knees. Megan sat down next to me and held my hand for a while. When she stood up and left I waited a while until I felt it was time to go. When I walked up to Ben there were already people surrounding him and it kept me from getting a satisfactory goodbye (possibly why I feel like it hurt more than helped, because that’s what I was trying to let go) and I had to settle for standing back and saying my goodbye from a distance. I was trying to let go of the fact that I never got to tell my dad goodbye the morning he died so it was almost like something was telling me that I don’t get to let this go.  I went back to my original spot and just stared at him for a while before putting my face in my knees, turning around and laying on the ground with my face in my arms. It was really interesting when Ben got to get up and give his goodbyes because I was really expecting him to not focus much on me and when he came over he I was shaking and sniffling and he rubbed my back until I stopped and let my muscles relax. I didn’t even realize I was tense until I started wondering why he was actually taking his time and the second I let go and relaxed, he got up and went back. What I’m mainly wondering about is what he said about how there were some people he didn’t feel like he could touch a certain way or that he could only touch for so long. I’m wondering if it was because I was the last one and because we don’t really interact much he was able to use me as a catalyst without having a connection in the way so he could try to let whatever he was holding onto go. It mainly just shocked me because I thought he had just been going around and making sure people were relaxed before moving on, then Anna said he just put his hand on her shoulder and moved on. I might not ever know the reason but that’s the beauty of this, everyone has some kind of intention but you might not ever know what they were. When I was five my dad died from carbon monoxide while sandblasting at work. He worked for Weelington village. The machine that gave him oxygen and the suit it was connected to weren’t compatible and it made the machine malfunction and give him carbon monoxide instead. There was supposed to be someone watching the machine while my dad worked but there was a group of guys that were working on a main break or something and they needed an extra guy. They called the guy that was watching the machine and if he hadn’t have left my dad might still be here. Every single morning he would wake me up before he left for work because sometimes I wouldn’t get to see him because he would get home later in the evenings when I would be asleep. My parents didn’t wake me up that morning because my kitten was trying to wake me up a weird way and they were laughing about it. I never got to tell him goodbye that last time but I never got to focus on that. I was too focused on keeping my mom happy, and trying my best to be cheerful and funny so that no one would worry about me. I never really got to grieve because I didn’t let myself. Ever since then I have suppressed my emotions so no one would worry, so that it would seem like I was okay. I didn’t realize how bad it was until today when I actually let it out. I didn’t think I would get that far in, I didn’t understand why you were saying that people could sit out because I didn’t understand why they would need to. I thought I wasn’t going to cry but when you mentioned your dad’s funeral a bunch of memories came back from when my dad died. I remembered my mom telling me that he died and I genuinely thought she was joking and that he was hiding somewhere because I know I had seen him earlier when I was driven back to Chucky cheese after dropping off one of the two family friends off at the house (He was wearing his favorite white mopar nationals t-shirt with the cars printed on the back and was in a circle of his friends). I ran around my house and checked every single room and corner and any place he could’ve been hiding trying to try to find him. I came outside sobbing. At his funeral I didn’t understand it at the time. I knew he was gone, and since I was so young I didn’t get it. My mom took me up to his casket and asked if I wanted to kiss him and because I didn’t understand I just say “I don’t wanna kiss a dead person” I don’t remember if I was trying to be funny or what, but I know I didn’t understand why someone would want to kiss someone that was already gone. I had gone in the basement of the funeral home and my friends and I played candy land, I got gifts, and I had a cup of coffee for the first time and loved it. It sounds terrible, but in the eyes of a child it was a pretty great night. I remember doing stupid dances to try to make my mom smile when she was crying. She would cry so much that she would throw up. Then there’s the more recent memories. The ones about how I’m failing him. The ones about how him not being here has effected my life and that he won’t be there when I walk down the isle at my wedding, he hasn’t been there to scare and tease my boyfriends, he hasn’t been there to back me up when my mother is being irrational and verbally abusive, or there to stop her from going down the same path her parents did, I can’t watch him play video games, or struggle to get out of his bear hugs when he pretends to be asleep and calls me a teddy bear, I can’t hear him call me Hailee bug or go for a ride in old yeller (his yellow worker bee truck) with one of his hats on the smallest adjustment hole that’s still too big and covers my eyes, he’s not there to help me with homework. It’s hard. That was hard. And I get why some people would need to sit out. I’d probably still do it again though and I’d hope to actually be able to get to say goodbye the way I’d like to, maybe I’d be able to actually let it go then.

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I felt much better today, the feeling of hostility was no longer there. It wasn’t as intense and didn’t consume me at least. There was one time during the grid that I partially snapped out of it. Bianca had grabbed me by the shoulders and started leading me through a crowd of people, purposely making me slam into someone else. It was only in the moment after impact that I snapped out of it because she kept making me go forward but I had nowhere to go so I stumbled a bit. During the stage walk I was going for not wanting it but having to accept I need to. I really felt urged to go help Jacob but I felt like I wasn’t allowed to stray from my line so I thought about it but decided against it. Also I was really deep in soft focus at the beginning but the second I heard the first notes of broken crown I snapped straight out of it for a split second. I feel like that really overtook Ben and Jacob. I found it really interesting that they both seemed to get straight into character, Ben Maybe was a bit more subtle but Mac was definitely influencing his movements. It was really interesting when I looked at Jacob because I had seen him every time before he did the banquet scene (when we needed to do the blood stuff) and he had a very similar expression to the one he had during his soft focus.

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My soft Focus today felt almost hostile. After we walked down and back on the stage and we got out of it I actually started tearing up. Seemingly no reason to it, I just did. I felt an extremely strong urge to just start crying. Something today just felt like I was being pushed and shoved around. I couldn’t do anything to stop it so I had to push through, but it felt that way when I was in soft focus so I had to get into an even deeper state of mind to block out the feeling. I felt panicked and helpless. I get why you said sometimes it can get really intense and can be too much at times. I think this was one of those times where some people would step back or be afraid to continue but I felt almost like it was something I was mandated to finish.

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Today it felt different than it has previously, it was more intense and I felt less vulnerable and more neutral during most of it. When we had started and I was laying down I felt my face get flushed for whatever reason, possibly anticipation? I’m not sure but It was odd. You could definitely see the differences in how some people are “ranked” depending on how they carried themselves and how they interacted with people. Some people were left on the ground longer than others, some were almost completely ignored while others were immediately picked up. People looked at me but usually never did anything. People that I have talked to recently were the only ones that actually interacted positively with me, Bianca was the one that picked me up. I think Riley stepped over me and it felt slightly demeaning. There were times where I would collide with someone, we would spin a bit, and then go separate ways. Other times people would give me neutral glances or they would seem to have a domineering look in their eyes, either to threaten or to assert their authority in some way. Riley has started stepping towards me and I couldn’t really tell her intention from her eyes, so my body told me to step back. I knew I couldn’t keep going forever so I started to step towards her as we were told to get into partners and Ben cut her off and took her. Anna put her hands on my shoulders and she started controlling where I went and I just followed where she moved me, almost like a puppet. I had run into Jacob a few times and I helped him up when everyone else pushed him down, this kind of led into the second partner interaction when he took my hand (I held around five hands during this, just want to make note of that for no reason other than to apologize to them for my ice cold hands) and we were walking, it felt really intense and seemed almost wedding like? Not sure. But we started dancing and it’s strange to see someone’s eyes while you are dancing during this. The emotions that are normally present are nowhere to be seen and it’s like staring into their soul. Just a deep void. I’m not sure if that’s a sign that they are all the way in it, or if that shows how someone is really feeling. I had seen multiple people that still kept some kind of emotion in their eyes, maybe they didn’t let go enough. Some interactions created a story on accident but I didn’t even realize it until looking back on it now. I felt more into it today, I was able to let go and have others guide me when I wasn’t sure where to go from there. I’ve realized that I have done this a lot when I have migraines or when I’m trying to focus on one thing really hard. I actually did this exact thing when we had to mimic a tree and stand on one foot for almost the entire class when I had done the Greek olympics activity in your English class. It’s interesting to have a name to put to that. Also I think this is helping me get out of my almost month long migraine, hence how I’m finally able to do these! I’ve had so much to say about this and I haven’t been able to put it down so I’m having high hopes that if I continue to do this and possibly keep myself in this relaxed mindset that it might help.