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Be Your Child's Champion can help you through four parts of communicating on behalf of your child.

My Thoughts can help identify, organize and prepare your thoughts before you begin a conversation.

Our Conversation can provide helpful phrases to can use during a conversation.

My Reflections can help determine how you feel about a conversation, as well as questions or concerns you have.

Next Steps can help outline what needs to be done next.

In Be Your Child's Champion, discover how families, just like yours, communicate on behalf of their child!

Child Care Provider - Meet John who has a concern about his daughter and their child care provider.

Healthcare Professional - Meet Angie who has a concern about her son and his healthcare professional

Another Family - Meet Latisha and Dan who address a concern about their son and a friend's family.

Communicating Why Child Care is Important - Meet Rosa who shares concerns about decisions she's made.

NEW: Leaders in Your Community - Meet Sarah who shares with a community leader the impact quality early learning has made for her family.

Each section of Be Your Child's Champion contains questions or phrases to get you started, as well as a place you can fill in your responses. It's not necessary to provide a response to every question. Sometimes, it may even be helpful to admit that you just don't know the answer!

Available in English and Spanish.

If you'd like to order hard copies, call the printer at 1-800-257-8830.

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Be Your Child's Champion can help you through four parts of communicating on behalf of your child. My Thoughts can help identify, organize and prepare your thoughts before you begin a conversation. Our Conversation can provide helpful phrases to can use during a conversation.

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by Judy Ringer

[Watch a short video about difficult conversations]

Think of a conversation you've been putting off. Got it? Great. Then let's go.

There are dozens of books on the topic of difficult, crucial, challenging, fierce, important (you get the idea) conversations. (In fact, I list several excellent resources at the end of this article). Those times when you know you should talk to someone, but you don't. Maybe you've tried and it went badly. Or maybe you fear that talking will only make the situation worse. Still, you feel stuck, and you'd like to free up that stuck energy for more useful purposes.

What you have here is a brief synopsis of best practice strategies: a checklist of action items to think about before going into the conversation; some useful concepts to practice during the conversation; and some tips and suggestions to help you stay focused and flowing in general, including possible conversation openings.

You'll notice one key theme throughout: you have more power than you think.

Before going into the conversation, ask yourself some questions:

1. What is your purpose for having the conversation? What do you hope to accomplish? What would be an ideal outcome?

Watch for hidden purposes. You may think you have honorable goals, like educating an employee or increasing connection with your teen, only to notice that your language is excessively critical or condescending. You think you want to support, but you end up punishing. Some purposes are more useful than others. Work on yourself so that you enter the conversation with a supportive purpose.

2. What assumptions are you making about this person's intentions? You may feel intimidated, belittled, ignored, disrespected, or marginalized, but be cautious about assuming that this was the speaker's intention. Impact does not necessarily equal intent.

3. What "buttons" of yours are being pushed? Are you more emotional than the situation warrants? Take a look at your "backstory," as they say in the movies. What personal history is being triggered? You may still have the conversation, but you'll go into it knowing that some of the heightened emotional state has to do with you.

4. How is your attitude toward the conversation influencing your perception of it? If you think this is going to be horribly difficult, it probably will be. If you truly believe that whatever happens, some good will come of it, that will likely be the case. Try to adjust your attitude for maximum effectiveness.

5. Who is the opponent? What might they be thinking about this situation? Are they aware of the problem? If so, how do you think they perceive it? What are their needs and fears? What solution do you think they would suggest? Begin to reframe the opponent as partner.

6. What are your needs and fears? Are there any common concerns? Could there be?

7. How have you contributed to the problem? How has the other person?

The majority of the work in any conflict conversation is work you do on yourself. No matter how well the conversation begins, you'll need to stay in charge of yourself, your purpose and your emotional energy. Breathe, center, and continue to notice when you become off center-and choose to return again. This is where your power lies. By choosing the calm, centered state, you'll help your opponent/partner to be more centered, too. Centering is not a step; centering is how you are as you take the steps. (For more on Centering, see the Resource section at the end of the article.)

Step #1: Inquiry

Cultivate an attitude of discovery and curiosity. Pretend you don't know anything (you really don't), and try to learn as much as possible about your opponent/partner and their point of view. Pretend you're entertaining a visitor from another planet, and find out how things look on that planet, how certain events affect the other person, and what the values and priorities are there.

If your partner really was from another planet, you'd be watching body language and listening for unspoken energy as well. Do that here. What does this person really want? What are they not saying?

Let your partner talk until they're finished. Don't interrupt except to acknowledge. Whatever you hear, don't take it personally. It's not really about you. Try to learn as much as you can in this phase of the conversation. You'll get your turn, but don't rush things.

Step #2: Acknowledgment

Acknowledgment means showing that you've heard and understood. Try to understand the other person so well you can make the argument for them. Then do it. Explain back to them what you think they're going for. Guess at their hopes and honor their position. Your partner will not change unless they see that you see where they stand. Then they might. No guarantees.

Acknowledge whatever you can, including your own defensiveness if it comes up. It's fine; it just is. You can decide later how to address it. For example, in an argument with a friend, I said: "I notice I'm becoming defensive, and I think it's because your voice just got louder and sounded angry. I just want to talk about this topic. I'm not trying to persuade you in either direction." The acknowledgment helped my friend (and me) to re-center.

Acknowledgment can be difficult if we associate it with agreement. Keep them separate. My saying, "this sounds really important to you," doesn't mean I'm going to go along with your decision.

Step #3: Advocacy

When you sense your opponent/partner has expressed all their energy on the topic, it's your turn. What can you see from your perspective that they missed? Help clarify your position without minimizing theirs. For example: "From what you've told me, I can see how you came to the conclusion that I'm not a team player. And I think I am. When I introduce problems with a project, I'm thinking about its long-term success. I don't mean to be a critic, though perhaps I sound like one. Maybe we can talk about how to address these issues so that my intention is clear."

Step #4: Problem-Solving

Now you're ready to begin building solutions. Brainstorming and continued inquiry are useful here. Ask your opponent/partner what they think might work. Whatever you hear, find something you like and build on it. If the conversation becomes adversarial, go back to inquiry. Asking for the other's point of view usually creates safety and encourages them to engage. If you've been successful in centering, adjusting your attitude, and engaging with inquiry and useful purpose, building sustainable solutions will be easy.

A successful outcome will depend on two things: how you are and what you say. How you are (centered, supportive, curious, problem-solving) will greatly influence what you say.

Acknowledge emotional energy-yours and your partner's-and direct it toward a useful purpose.

Know and return to your purpose at difficult moments.

Don't take verbal attacks personally. Help your partner come back to center.

Don't assume your partner can see things from your point of view.

Practice the conversation with a friend before holding the real one.

Mentally practice the conversation. See various possibilities and visualize yourself handling them with ease. Envision the outcome you are hoping for.

In my workshops, a common question is How do I begin the conversation? Here are a few conversation openers I've picked up over the years-and used many times!

I have something I'd like to discuss with you that I think will help us work together more effectively.

I'd like to talk about _______ with you, but first I'd like to get your point of view.

I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?

I need your help with something. Can we talk about it (soon)? If the person says, "Sure, let me get back to you," be sure to follow up.

I think we have different perceptions about _________________. I'd like to hear your thinking on this.

I'd like to talk about _____________. I think we may have different ideas about how to ________________.

I'd like to see if we might reach a better understanding about ___________. I really want to hear your feelings about this and share my perspective as well.

I've noticed a recurring conversation (conflict, disagreement, problem) we seem to have. I'd like to talk about why that happens.

I'd like to talk with you about some things I've noticed over the last little while. I have some observations I'd like to share with you and some of the conclusions I'm starting to draw, and then I'd be really interested in hearing your perspective.

Write a possible opening for your conversation before you have it to make sure you've thought through everything you want to say.
Good luck! Let me know if this article has been useful by contacting me at https://www.judyringer.com
Download the pdf version of We Have to Talk: A Step-By-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations
Resources

The Magic of Conflict, by Thomas F. Crum
Difficult Conversations, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen
Crucial Conversations, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler
Conversations Worth Having, by Jackie Stavros and Cheri Torres
FAQ about Conflict, by Judy Ringer

-------------© 2022 Judy Ringer, Power & Presence Training

About the Author

The Power & Presence website is designed to help you discover ways to resolve conflict, build relationships, and become a more powerful and present human being.

Judy Ringer is the author.

You're welcome to reprint all or parts of this article as long as you include "About the Author" text, and a link to PowerandPresence.com

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We Have to Talk: A Step-By-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations | Judy Ringer

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A checklist of action items to think about before going into a difficult conversation, including conversation openings.

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Conflict has a way of magnifying our bad listening habits. I frequently see the following listening habits get in the way of constructive and collaborative problem-solving during conflict and thought I'd flag them for attention.

Good communication during conflict relies, to some extent, on our ability to use good communication habits in our everyday conversations. If we fall into bad listening habits in our everyday conversations, it's going to be harder to be good listeners in times of tension and stress.

I'm as guilty of some of these bad listening habits as the next person and I strive to get better at them.

1. Listening with our answer running

When we listen with our answer running, we've stopped listening. It may look like we're listening, but really, we're inside our head, preparing what we'll say the moment they pause. Of course, while we're doing this, they're still talking, so we miss some of what they're saying.

Listening is not just waiting to talk.

It would be a shame to miss a gem that might have changed the conversation for the better or led to a different outcome.

2. Listening only from our own frame of reference

Stephen Covey described a listening continuum that runs from "ignoring" on the left, to "pretend listening," then "selective listening," then "attentive listening," and finally to "empathic listening" on the right. He proposed that the first four are the types of listening we do most often. They all take place from our own frame of reference.

Of the five types of listening, Covey said that only empathic listening is an attempt to listen from the other person's frame of reference. Only empathic listening comes from a desire and commitment to listen without agenda.

3. Stealing someone's story

Enzo, canine narrator of the novel, The Art of Racing in the Rain, describes stealing someone's story this way:

I cannot speak, so I listen very well. I never interrupt, I never deflect the course of the conversation with a comment of my own. People, if you pay attention to them, change the direction of one another's conversations constantly. It's like having a passenger in your car who suddenly grabs the steering wheel and turns you down a side street.

Stealing someone's story means to pull the conversation away from what they were talking about before they were done - maybe even before they really got started. Maybe they mention a frustrating lunch with a colleague. That reminds us of the stale croutons at the salad bar at lunch today, so we turn the conversation to croutons. This can be an exasperating experience for the original storyteller, who was in the midst of something else entirely.

In conflict, we may do this more than usual, because we really would like to change the direction they're heading. They may then steal our story, and the conversation deteriorates into a series of stolen stories, none really heard or attended to by the other.

4. Multi-tasking

I once was introduced to the new owner of a large sporting goods chain while at a business gathering. He asked me a question about my work and as I briefly answered it, I could see he wasn't listening. He was looking over my shoulder and moving his head slightly from side to side. I finally stopped mid-sentence and looked behind me to see who he was looking at. It was a mirror. He was multitasking with himself.

Multi-tasking is bad for good listening. Our attention is divided by the " switch costs " of multi-tasking and we can't help but miss part of their message.

Chronic bad listening habits are built on multi-tasking: Checking email or reading texts while in conversation. Continuing to work through the pile of paperwork on our desk while a colleague drops in to voice a concern. Opening today's mail while our teenager tells us about something that happened at school.

5. Listening to confirm we're right

Years ago my husband and I visited the Basketball Hall of Fame in Springfield, MA. When I saw this quote from legendary coach John Wooden, I realized I wasn't just visiting a mecca for hoops fans, I was visiting a tribute to some of the best coaching in the world:

It's what you learn after you know it all that counts.

Conflict often denies us the desire to learn. We may not listen to learn as much as we listen to confirm we're right. That we're right about their wrongness. Right about our interpretation. Right about their frailties and mistakes. We listen with the agenda to hear those hints and use them as weapons of defense and offense.

When we think we know what we need to know about them and the situation, maybe that's the signal we should start listening more deeply.

Overcoming bad listening habits

All of these bad listening habits share a few characteristics that, in turn, create barriers to conflict resolution:

They serve our own agenda more than they serve a joint agenda.

They signal that we aren't truly interested.

They're sloppy ways to listen at a time we need to up our listening game.

Of course, because they're habits, we may have none of those intentions and just stumble into bad listening because we're used to it. Maybe most days it doesn't matter that we listen half-heartedly and not very attentively. When conflict is in the air, though, we need to be able to catch ourselves and listen differently.

Here are four effective ways to break bad listening habits:

1. Enlist help. If we don't notice right away when we've tripped into a bad listening habit, it's helpful to enlist a trusted colleague, family member, or friend to alert us. We want them to alert us not in a judgmental way, but in a "just giving you a heads up" way. They can do this with a subtle kick under the table, a gesture we agree on ahead of time, or simply by saying, "You asked me to alert you when you stumble into that habit."

2. Practice in low-stakes moments. It is very hard to listen well under the stress of conflict. To get good at it under pressure, we first need to be good at it when the going is easy. When we practice in everyday conversations, we develop our "muscle memory" for good listening and can build from there.

3. Make a commitment to "get into their movie." The typical advice about listening well is to "be curious." That's good advice but hard to pull off during conflict and tension. It's helpful to use the "get into their movie" listening device to help us be curious. "Get into their movie" means to temporarily suspend our disbelief in order to hear and learn something we otherwise might miss. It's an easy phrase to remember.

4. Commit to eye contact. The simple act of making eye contact while someone is talking forces us to stop multi-tasking and pay attention. And it helps them feel attended to. When we practice this for small stretches in everyday conversations, we establish the kind of connection that will serve us well in times of tension.

Disclosure: One or more links in this post are Amazon affiliate links, which means I receive a few dimes from Amazon if you buy the book (at no extra cost to you). And, of course, I just turn around and spend those dimes on...more books. Which then inform my writing here, for you. It's a beautiful cycle.

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5 bad listening habits and how to break them : Tammy Lenski

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Conflict has a way of magnifying bad listening habits. Here are bad listening habits that get in the way of constructive conversation and how to break them.

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Tips on how to handle a difficult conversation

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Difficult Parent Conversations: A Guide For Success

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ChangeKidsLives.org is a trusted professional education resource where teachers can share their very best classroom strategies and learn from the best practice from others.

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Explore the Relationship-Based Competencies to Support Family Engagement Series to learn more about the knowledge, skills, and individual practices that early childhood professionals need to engage families effectively in positive, goal-oriented relationships. These competencies are based on research and recommended practice across many fields working with families from pregnancy through the early childhood years. These fields include early care and education, early intervention, infant mental health, child welfare, maternal and child health, pediatrics, social work, and psychology. This series is organized as a set of four resources: an overview and three additional resources designed for specific roles-family services professionals, teachers and child care providers, and home visitors. Each role-specific resource also describes related competencies for supervisors and leaders. Professional development assessment tools are available for professionals and their supervisors to assess progress in each competency and identify areas for professional growth.

The relationship-based competencies (RBCs) are consistent with specific state core knowledge and competencies for early childhood professionals and other preparation resources for the early childhood workforce. The competencies can reinforce and extend efforts across states to increase family engagement in early childhood programs. The RBCs are aligned with the 2016 Child Care and Development Fund final rule. The RBCs were developed by the National Center on Parent, Family, and Community Engagement (NCPFCE) with input from the Office of Head Start (OHS), the Office of Child Care (OCC), early childhood professionals, parents, and other early childhood national training and technical assistance centers funded by OHS and OCC.
Early childhood professionals can use the RBCs to:

Strengthen relationships with all families

Support families in taking positive steps toward their own goals

Identify personal and professional strengths and challenges for supporting family engagement

Choose professional development opportunities in their program and community to enhance their relationship-based practices

Program directors, managers, supervisors, coaches, and consultants can use the RBCs to:

Understand and identify the skills and knowledge that early childhood professionals have and need

Plan and lead professional development opportunities

Plan and implement opportunities for reflective practice and coaching

Develop program strategies and policies for enhancing strengths-based and culturally and linguistically responsive family engagement

Create job descriptions for professionals and supervisors that include family engagement

Enhance partnerships with community organizations that support families with young children

State, district, county, and community leaders can use the RBCs to:

Develop strategic plans to enhance early childhood workforce development

Form new partnerships or strengthen existing partnerships with colleges and universities to support the inclusion of family engagement in educational opportunities

Help make decisions about the use of existing resources to promote family engagement

Develop systems and infrastructure to support collaboration among community partners

Coordinate family engagement efforts across early childhood initiatives and systems

Resources in this series:

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Relationship-Based Competencies to Support Family Engagement Series

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Explore the Relationship-Based Competencies to Support Family Engagement Series to learn more about the knowledge, skills, and individual practices that early childhood professionals need to engage families effectively in positive, goal-oriented relationships. These competencies are based on research and recommended practice across many fields working with families from pregnancy through the early childhood years.