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Lost a best friend to suicide. it is selfish and negates existence. sorry he chose that route, and now share in the emotional trauma.

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I was in the sixth grade whenever i first began experiencing feelings of worthlessness, and self-hatred. A lot had been happening, between family conflict, bullying, and drama with my so-called friends. I wasn't sure how to relieve that pain, so i started to hurt myself. I was reported to the school guidance counselor, who was worried about my safety. My sister went through a very similar experience around this age as well, so she knew what it was like, but yet she began to scream at me once I got home, along with my parents who are very unsupportive. Today, six years later, things are finally beginning to look up. After being raised watching my oldest brother struggle with suicidal tendencies and drug addiction for 9 years, I lost him to overdose in December of 2017, which is when I began to relapse with the self-harm. I personally believe that his passing was a suicide attempt, although his daughter was just born 2 days before. After almost 2 years of mental health counseling, I am starting to find ways to cope with the loss of my best friend, and ways to keep myself safe. My brothers two children are now my reason to live. I continue to carry the guilt of my brothers loss, wondering "What if...?". Getting the help I needed is probably why I am still here today. If you are struggling, please don't be ashamed to reach out for help. You are worth it.

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When I was 13, I felt worthless and undeserving of life and love. My then boyfriend had just left me because I confided in him that someone he was close to had molested me, and he didn't believe me. That was the first time I felt depression. My mom constantly put me down for not being able to keep up with my chores and my schoolwork. I wrote a note telling my mom that I loved her and that I had no reason to be alive anymore and that I hoped that she would be happy. I didn't know how I was going to die, all I knew was that I wanted to die. I never did show my mom that letter. Not too long after I wrote that letter, my little brother was born. I swear he was born to save me from taking my life. The moment I met him in the hospital gave me a reason to be alive. 2 years later, when I was 16, again, I felt unloved by my mother, and I was conflicted between needing to live for my little brother, and not wanting to be alive anymore, so I burned my wrist and forearm using a heated piece of metal. I confided in my best friend at the time and she reported it to the guidance counselor. I got home that night and my mom and I fought about it, but my sister asked me not to do it again and let me know that she was there for me.
Just last year, this month actually, my other sister overdosed. There's enough reason to believe this was a successful suicide attempt, and not just a bad strand of heroin. My family asked her many times to go talk to a professional, she kept saying she might, but never did.
There have been mental health professionals that have helped me through my most depressive years, even if it was by listening.
My point is, you are NOT alone. What you are going through is temporary. What you are going through can and will change. If you EVER feel like you don't know what to do and you feel like the only way out is to die, TALK TO SOMEONE! Get another perspective on your situation. You DO have a reason for being alive! Find it and, with all of your heart, believe in it.
crisis text line: 741741
national suicide prevention helpline:
1-800-273-8255

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I don’t know when the urge started or even how it started, one day I just started feeling useless like my presence on this planet was unimportant. I am wracked with intrusive thoughts.

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When I was a freshman in high school, an incident happened and I couldn't take the pain. I thought I could end my own life and it would be fine, but by the grace of God, I got help. Then my junior year of high school. two of my cousins attempted suicide. It was the hardest thing I went through. I then started a suicide awareness event at my school so more people could be educated and aware of suicide and could get help. My freshman year of college, my friend Ryan committed suicide. It took a huge toll of the community. When my cousin was a freshman in 8th grade, his friend committed suicide from bullying. Suicide is a sensitive but serious topic and if anyone has the doubts or feelings, they should seek help immediately.

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I've tried to commit suicide because of how anti-LGBT+ some people are/were. Even with professional help, I still struggle with resisting the urges to hurt myself.

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I loved my husband so much and the family life! He wanted to divorce me! I couldn't handle it! I did NOT want this to happen! My whole world was coming to an end! I tried with a gun in an upstairs bedroom. I swear GOD saved my life! I could not figure out how to insert the bullet in the case. The GOOD LORD saved my life! LISTEN to HIM! I keep that darkness myself. I had therapy and it helped a lot.  I thank HIM for every day that I am alive even when I'm down and out!
BELIEVE IN HIM, TRUST IN HIM!

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Yes suicide has affected me in the past. I have lived with it and the thoughts as a teenager. I have myself also attempted it and put my family through hell. Suicide is not the answer to your problems. There is help out there no matter how bad you think you have it there is help you can get. Please know there is people who love you and always willing to help if you just speak up. Nothing to ever be ashamed of!

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I felt guilty that I couldn't prevent my dad from attempting to kill himself..

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Emotions & Challenges:

After a suicide, some survivors ruminate on what they could have or should have done to prevent the death. Those closest are often tormented by guilt. Even those peripherally associated with the deceased, often wonder about their role. Sometimes, survivors feel a deep sense of frustration with or anger toward others who they believe mistreated their loved one, blaming them for what happened.

When new survivors regret they "missed the warning signs" of suicide, others who are further down the grief path, often remind them that there are limits to what any of us can do to fix another's pain. Sometimes, there are no signs or the signs become clear only in hindsight.
On the Alliance of Hope forum, one survivor expressed it this way:

We experience so much guilt in our loss. Discussion of warning signs only increases the feeling that we should have been able to prevent the tragedy. We replay our last conversations and interactions with our loved ones over and over in our minds, looking for answers that do not come. We conclude we are guilty in some way, but I believe that is false guilt. In the end perhaps we must realize we do not have the ability to control others' decisions and release ourselves from the guilt of thinking we could have prevented their suicides. It hurts me to even admit that.
~Bluerunner

In conversations about suicide, some survivors also raise concerns about stigma. The stigma that accompanied suicide for centuries has lessened substantially, yet many still fear they or their loved ones will be judged as defective or lacking in character. Some say they fear for the souls of the deceased. As society has begun to understand the nature of mental illness, many members of the clergy have spoken up with compassion and reassurance. Father Ron Rolheiser, for example, has written about suicide for many years. Here is an excerpt from one of his essays:

What needs to be said about all of this: First of all, that suicide is a disease and the most misunderstood of all sicknesses. It takes a person out of life against his or her will, the emotional equivalent of cancer, a stroke, or a heart attack. Second, those left behind need not spend undue energy second-guessing as to how we might have failed that person, what we should have noticed, and what we might still have done to prevent the suicide. Suicide is an illness and, as with any sickness, we can love someone and still not be able to save that person from death. God loved this person, too, and, like us, could not, this side of eternity, do anything either. Finally, we shouldn't worry too much about how God meets this person on the other side. God's love, unlike ours, can go through locked doors and touch what will not allow itself to be touched by us.

In the course of grieving the suicide of a loved one, most survivors eventually come to terms with a profound sense of their own limitations-realizing that none of us are able to control the actions of another. Though we try our best, no one is a perfect parent, spouse, sibling or friend. None of us are all seeing and none of us are able to fix another's pain. Hopefully, we learn to treat ourselves with as much compassion and forgiveness, as we would our families and friends.

Voices of Survivors:

Guilt, Blame & Forgiveness

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Guilt, Blame & Forgiveness - Alliance of Hope

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After a suicide, some survivors ruminate on what they could have or should have done to prevent the death. Those closest are often tormented by guilt. Even those peripherally associated with the deceased, often wonder about their role.

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I grew up LGBT in a rural community.  It was not an accepting society.  I stayed in the closet out of fear of rejection, rumors, and criticism.  Right after I graduated high school, a teenage woman, an out lesbian a few years younger than me and attending my old high school, killed herself.  I did not know her well, but I felt racked with guilt that she likely felt alone.  I promised myself I would no longer stay in the closet on the chance that it would help another LGBT person feel a little less alone.  Since then, I have supported LGBT organizations, spoken in support of my LGBT peers, created a great home with my partner, and now have two children.  Please ALWAYS know you are not alone.  It does, truly, get better!

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Guilt, pain, anger...I've gone through it all. I have had multiple people attempt and multiple people succeed. As a teen, I wished to leave this Earth. It was situational and I got through it but after that tme I had begun to be touched by suicide on so many levels. As I got older I started to feel like if you knew me, you were in danger. My mom attempted and I discovered her. One of my friends in middle school was found in her garage, I struggled to find meaning in her passing. She was a star athlete and beautiful with a loving family. It was then that I needed to understand more. My cousin had been in the army, he suffered from PTSD, my grandmother found him in a closet, it hurt so bad to watch her try and cope, he was like her son. I got through highschool with several friends making threats, going to counseling and making it through to the other side. After highschool however a very good friend I had known since kindergarten decided he couldn't be here anymore, I felt responsibility for his passing and still do 18 years later. My brother in law decided to use my sister's insulin, he was found in her basement. They had recently split, I saw her go through what I had with my friend. My nephew hid his depression, would occasionally seem down but would light up a room with his beautiful smile, he left behind a wife and very young son, his wife is still struggling to deal with it. In 2011 I had the absolute heartbreak of my life when I turned on the news and saw the house I had grown up in front and center. I left my home and rushed to my childhood home to find my grandparents both lifeless on the living room floor. They had both left notes saying they loved us all. I will never forget that scene, that feeling, that despair and the way I went into auto pilot trying to make sure everyone else was okay. I took care of the cleaning of the house, the insurance and all other aspects just to keep myself busy, praying the feeling iny heart and stomach would soon pass...it has not. Then, just 3 years ago alcohol took over the emotions of my father in law and he was would in the garage of his home, the police had come to my door to send their condolences to my husband. 8 of my loved ones are gone and everyday I think of each and everyone of them....that's how suicide has effected me.