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Join the Hollywood Methodist Church and become a member in the Grief group to improve your overall well being and mental health.

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GROWING THROUGH GRIEF GROUP

Our Growing Through Grief Group

Location: Harmony Toluca Lake in the Sanctuary from 7:30 to 9pm
Upcoming schedule:
Experiences of grief are common to all of us, but there are some losses in life that challenge us with an intensity of grief that exceeds what we feel we can bear. The loss of a loved one or a beloved pet, the loss of a job or a home, the loss of a dreamed-of opportunity, the breakup of a relationship, and the loss of abilities due to age, injury or illness are some of the losses that bring grief to our lives. There is help for us as we cope with grief, and participating in a "Growing through Grief" group is one of the ways.

The group is led by Rev. Denyse Barnes. We meet in the sanctuary at the Harmony - Toluca Lake campus. There is plenty of street parking and there are a few places behind the church, accessed through the alley. Anyone who has ever attended a meeting in the past is welcome to attend, and first time persons are also welcome. Feel free to invite anyone you think might benefit.

You may bring a photo or other memento related to your loss.

Stop by the Welcome Table or email Rev. Denyse for more info.

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Grief Group - Hollywood United Methodist Church

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GROWING THROUGH GRIEF GROUP Location: Harmony Toluca Lake in the Sanctuary from 7:30 to 9pm Upcoming schedule: Experiences of grief are common to all of us, but there are some losses in life that challenge us with an intensity of grief that exceeds what we feel we can bear.

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“Sorrowing old man (At Eternity’s agate)

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“Sorrowing old man (At Eternity’s agate)

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Vincent VanGough, oil painting, Kröller-Müller Museum
Houtkampweg 6
6731 AW Otterlot

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What Country is best for your mental health?

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What Country is best for your mental health?

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Switzerland is one of the top countries for your mental health here is why.

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When you're a travel journalist, folks always ask you about the best place to go. I always ask a question in return: What is it you are looking for? Recently, a woman said she wanted a place that was the antidote to all the turmoil in the world and where she could find inner peace without going on a retreat. I thought about it for a minute or two, and the answer was: Switzerland. And here are the reasons I gave her:

1) The physical act of traveling is stressful, and the modes of transportation can be uncomfortable, unreliable, and offer constricted space and poor service. Connections may be inconvenient. But this is not so in Switzerland.

I was dazzled by the way their transportation system works. Virtually everything in the country is reachable by train, bus, or boat. And all of them connect seamlessly to each other. All of them are on time. You hop off a train, board a boat from the same station or pier, get off the boat, take another train, take a bus, and all the timetables are compatible. You can buy a SwissPass for, let's say, eight days. It comes in first and second classes. Whichever one you buy, it includes all public trains, boats, buses, and museums, and offers serious discounts on funiculars and cable cars; you don't even have to buy separate tickets or wait in line...and of course, it saves you money.

2) Clean counts. In Switzerland you can feel safe eating, drinking the water, breathing the air, and walking by yourself. Cleanliness is next to godliness in Switzerland. I even witnessed streets being thoroughly cleaned within two hours after a huge festival and parade.

3) Beauty. Nothing erases the darkness within like the beauty without. Whether it's a towering, snow-covered Alp, or a pristine, glacial lake, Switzerland has cornered the market on spectacular natural scenery.

4) Food. Switzerland prides itself on its local and regional foods and wines. If you think you have eaten "Swiss cheese," believe me that you haven't even touched the tip of tip of the tip of the cheese iceberg. Artisanal cheeses abound, and you will never tire of sampling the cheeses made from milk that comes from cows which graze on grass and flowers all summer long on mountain tops.

5) Chocolate. Need I say more?

6) Laughter. In Vevey, a museum opened last year in the home of Charlie Chaplin. Everything is interactive; you can even try on Charlie's clothes and twirl his cane as you watch film clips from his most ingenious and hilarious films. Every visitor, no matter how young or old, was a child. They giggled and laughed and it has been a long time since I saw such sheer joy anywhere.

7) Giving "mental patients" respect, admiration, and deep appreciation. In l976, Jean Dubuffet founded the Museum of Art Brut (Outsider Art) in Lausanne. Not all of the artists suffer from biochemical and emotional illness, but many do. They, like the other artists, are not products of art schools, and their creations are not driven by market concerns.

Today Outsider Art is a recognized, worldwide art genre, and it all started in Lausanne. Going to the museum is a life-changing experience for anyone who has not encountered the vibrant, brilliant, wild, expansive works of art. How about the room that is covered with intricate maps of a mythical place where people are happy? If you suffer from anxiety or depression, bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia, you will feel the stigma attached to it float away and relax into the pleasure of creation.

8) Being in a rootless world where only NOW matters and pop culture rules can be, well, a little empty. In Switzerland-where four languages are spoken and each region has its own customs and culture-heritage is celebrated in costumes, events, parties, food, drink, yodeling, Alphorns, and parades. If you are anywhere in Switzerland where cultural events are happening, you will be welcomed to watch, photograph, or even join in.

9) Politics are not nasty and depressing and toxic. Seven Federal Counselors share power. Yes, you read it right, and they rotate who is President. Many people do not even know who the current President is. And in Appenzell, I met a local who told me they vote on issues with open debate and a show of hands.

10) Swiss people walk a lot. In flat cities and hilly cities. In the Alps, on the prairies., alongside the lakes, and on trails. It is not uncommon to see elderly people with backpacks heading off for the mountains, or coming down from the mountains. People are fit. They value exercise. It makes you want to walk when you are there. And when you walk, you move your muscles and your mind and you feel better.

And that is why I recommended Switzerland to her, and now to you. Bon voyage!

(If you are interested, this website lots of information to help you plan a trip.)

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What's the Best Country in the World for Your Mental Health?

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When you're a travel journalist, folks always ask you about the best place to go. I always ask a question in return: What is it you are looking for? Recently, a woman said she wanted a place that was the antidote to all the turmoil in the world and where she could find inner peace without going on a retreat.

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Open to hope, the non-profit organization,helps people understand and and grief correctly after a loss of a loved one. With their articles, books, podcasts, and television,there’s an option for everyone to seek help.

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Open To Hope, Support for Dealing with Death, Grief, Loss, Bereavement

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Open to Hope ® is a non-profit with the mission of helping people find hope after loss. We invite you to read, listen and share your stories of hope and compassion.

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This gives you an idea of what to say and what not to say to a loved one dying.

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For caregivers, figuring out how to speak to a dying loved one can be both challenging and emotionally wrenching. Fortunately, there are things you can say that will help your loved one maintain dignity and respect during their final days.
Being confronted with a loved one's illness or death brings us face to face with our own mortality and feelings of helplessness, as we try to figure out how to move forward in the face of the inevitable.

For a family caregiver, the difficulties can be innumerable, between coping with the logistics and details of end-of-life care while also dealing with our own grief. Sometimes, even with the best of intentions, we may not know what to do or say to be the greatest comfort to the person who is dying. We may not even know how to mentally prepare for conversations with a dying family member.

Reaching out to someone knowledgeable and sympathetic may be the best thing we can do to prepare ourselves during this time. Addressing our own concerns and needs can help us, in turn, be truly present for our loved one's last days, so we can care for them with respect and dignity. Read on to find out what other valuable advice we've gleaned from our conversations with professional grief counselors and those who work in end-of-life care.

Preparing to Say Goodbye to a Loved One

First of all, says Brian Elster, a Chaplain with Livingston Memorial Visiting Nurse Association, "Remind yourself that this is not about you. You may feel uncomfortable, but your loved one needs you." They may even be waiting for you to bring up the topic.

"The person who is dying usually knows that he or she is dying, and the secret for us is not to be afraid of that or to run away from it."

"Don't desert the one who is dying. Let that person take the lead," advises Marty Tousley, a Grief Counselor and Moderator for Grief Healing Discussion Groups.

The advice bears repeating: let your loved one take the lead when it's time to talk about dying - or when it isn't a good time. "One of the most important concepts in the field of grief and loss is that people drift in and out of the awareness of dying," says Dr. Kenneth Doka, Ph.D, Senior Consultant to the Hospice Foundation of America and Professor of Gerontology at the Graduate School of The College of New Rochelle. "Sometimes they do talk about it, sometimes not. The dying one should control the agenda. Don't force conversations on them."

In fact, sometimes it is simply the presence of family members that tells a dying person, much more than words can, that we love them and are there for them. A Place for Mom reader Len Auclair, a grief counselor who works with caregivers, notes, "You share their loss, simply by being with them and not thinking of what to say next. It is not necessary. Your presence is enough. You can selectively reflect back their own words... less is more."

Four Things to Say to Someone Who Is Dying

When you do have a conversation with your loved one, remember to keep the focus on their feelings and needs during that time. Think about what you want to say beforehand, says Elster. "Write it down if necessary so you don't forget important points." Some more words of wisdom to keep in mind:

1. Don't Forget to Say "I Love You"

"Connecting at that level has power to convey openness, respect, affection and commitment," Elster says. Marty Tousley agrees, pointing to the book The Four Things That Matter Most, by Dr. Ira Byock, professor of palliative medicine at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center in New Hampshire. Dr. Byock writes that dying people typically want to hear (and to say) four things: "Please forgive me," "I forgive you," "Thank you," and "I love you."

2. Talk About How They are Feeling (and Listen)

Listening to your loved one is the first step to understanding what they truly need most. "As a caregiver, you can ask, 'What do I need to know about you as a person to give you the best care possible?'" says Tousley. Elster agrees. "Let patients identify and talk about the things that they consider important," he says. Ask them what they're thinking about, what they may need - and if they need help in a concrete way, don't hesitate, whether they ask for help with household chores or simply your company.

3. Encourage Them to Share Memories and End-of-Life Goals

Everyone is going to approach their mortality differently; some will find it most important to mend relationships with friends or family, while others will prefer to focus on remembering accomplishments or airing old regrets. Either way, it's important to give your loved one a chance to open up and process what they have experienced, and what is to come. "People often approach death by making sure their life had significance," says Dr. Doka. "Have conversations about the things they've learned, the legacies they've left, the memories you have of them. Help them feel like they were important."

4. Be Truthful, But Kind

You don't have to avoid talking about the fact that your loved one is dying. "It is very okay to say you don't have answers to the big questions, or that you don't know how to respond to some expressed need," says Elster. "Always be truthful, but don't clobber them with the truth."

Most of all, you'll want to let your loved one guide the situation. Says Dr. Doka, "It's not so much the exact words you say as it is maintaining the openness of the conversation."

Things to Avoid Saying

Open conversation or not, there are things one should generally avoid saying to someone who is dying. Elster advises, "Don't give false assurances; they undermine trust and can make the patient more anxious. Also, don't try to provoke the patient to convert, make a confession, or renounce long-held beliefs or values." Don't force a conversation on them, either, if they aren't ready or willing to talk, says Dr. Doka.

Overwhelming your loved one with your own grief can also be very difficult for them. Still, it isn't necessary to bury your emotions. "Authentic emotion can be very helpful to both parties in the conversation," Elster says.

"Often, our emotions mirror those of the person with whom we are talking. In those moments, one wounded heart reaches out to another, and they connect. That can be a beautiful experience."

When Someone is Dying: Support for the Caregiver

Don't forget to nurture yourself during this time, too. Caregivers who need support through the bereavement process may find it most helpful to turn to others who have experienced a similar situation. "Find someone to talk to about it," says Marty Tousley: "someone you can trust, who will listen without judging you. Take good care of yourself physically, emotionally, mentally, socially and spiritually."

This might be a challenge if you are not accustomed to expressing your feelings. If that is the case, Tousley says, "Find at least one person who can be your lifeline: someone who'll listen to you without judging. If a friend cannot offer such support, find a good counselor who specializes in grief or bereavement." She suggests several places you can ask for a referral: a local hospice, a grief support group, your personal physician, a crisis information and referral service, a funeral home, a hospital or mental health clinic.

Most of all, however, be kind to yourself. Brian Elster offers words of advice and kindness for caregivers: "Talk openly with people you trust. Let your tears flow freely. Pace yourself. Give thanks for the things in life that bring you joy, and, as often as necessary, forgive yourself for those moments in which you've tripped."
What is the best advice you've ever received for coping with end-of-life conversations? Please feel free to share with our readers in the comments below. Related Articles:

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For caregivers, figuring out how to speak to a dying loved one can be both challenging and emotionally wrenching. Fortunately, there are things you can say that will help your loved one maintain dignity and respect during their final days.

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How to Cope when a loved one Dies (For Teens)

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How to Cope when a loved one Dies (For Teens)

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This gives advice for teens who’s loved ones have died and how to overcome it.

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The death of a loved one is difficult at any age, but it can be especially tough for teenagers, who are already dealing with the ups and downs of adolescence. We asked Dominique Butler, former school liaison for the Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center of the Hospice of the Western Reserve, how to help a grieving teenager-whether it's your own child or a friend.

1. Grieving teenagers still want to be "normal."

Adolescence is a time when most teens just want to fit in. So when a tragedy sets a teen apart, it's all the harder. "They are looking for a sense of normalcy," says Butler. "They don't want to be singled out." You can support a grieving teenager by sticking with routines and, especially if the teen is a friend of your teenager, continuing to welcome them in your home. Just because a teenager is coping with the loss of a loved one, that doesn't mean that teen wants you to stop inviting them over, Butler adds. "So many people stop because they don't want to deal with that burden." The Bereavement Center is a community-based grief support program offering services throughout Northeast Ohio.

2. Friends are important.

Adolescence is also a time when peers play a starring role, much more so than in early childhood. So it should come as no surprise that when it comes to teenage grief and loss, teens may lean more on peers than grown-ups. "Adults worry because this age group can seem unaffected, or they shut down and don't want to talk," explains Butler. "That is okay, as long as they are using other outlets to help them and, for many teens, that will be their friends."

3. Let a grieving teenager take the lead.

It's not helpful to try to direct what a grieving teenager should do, say, or feel. Rather, follow where they lead. For example, don't force a teenager to have a conversation. "If they want to talk about it, go ahead," advises Butler. "If they don't, just be there."

4. Be careful with your language.

It's hard to know what to say to a grieving teenager. What not to say: "Things will get better," or "Shouldn't you be over this by now?" What you could say instead: "How are you?" or even "Do you want to talk about it?" Again, follow the teen's lead.

5. Give them something to do.

This can include helping to memorialize the family member or friend. For example, Butler recently worked with a group of teenagers mourning the death of a peer. "They decided to make T-shirts in his memory," she says. "Many teens find comfort in the act of doing."

6. Be honest.

This is particularly important in the event of an "anticipated death," such as a terminal illness. "Sometimes out of a desire to protect our children, we're not completely honest about a situation," Butler says. "But they know something is happening, so be very honest about what is going on. If not, resentment can build up."

7. Get help if needed (or asked for).

With time, most grieving teenagers are able to get back to the normal routines of daily living, though you should anticipate ups and downs. "Grief is like the ocean," notes Butler. "It ebbs and flows. One day you are okay. The next day you are not." But when it comes to teen grief, some struggle more than others and may need additional support.

Warning signs to get more help include problems with normal activities; suicidal ideation ("I want to die, too"); self-medicating with drugs or alcohol; and frequent angry outbursts. A support group can be a helpful first step. "We don't ever get over the death of a person; we get through it," says Butler. "A support group allows a grieving teenager to talk about the person they've lost, to know they are not alone, and to have the chance to help others by sharing their own story."

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The death of a loved one is difficult at any age, but it can be especially tough for teenagers, who are already dealing with the ups and downs of adolescence. We asked Dominique Butler, former school liaison for the Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center of the Hospice of the Western Reserve, how to help a grieving teenager-whether it's your own child or a friend.

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After the loss of a loved one, you may feel isolated and alone. By reading this, you can get one step closer into coming to terms with the loss.

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When my Mom passed away and we were driving home from the hospital, I remember looking around and wondering how life could go on.

It was around dinner time and people were going on with their evening. I saw people walking into restaurants, smiling and holding hands, traffic patterns that were normal, and shopping centers that were crowded. People were going out to dinner and living their lives. I wanted to scream, "How can you act like everything is normal? My Mom just passed away. Nothing will ever be the same again."

But, I couldn't, because for them, everything was the same. If you've loved someone and sadly, lost them, I'm sure you've experienced something similar to this. It's hard to love a person with all your heart, and then one day, be forced to live in a world without them.

In some ways, it's the flaw of life: to love people and sometimes lose them.

While my life was forever altered the day my Mom passed away, the lives of most of the people in the world didn't change that day.

Life went on, because life goes on.

It's been over sixteen years since she passed away, and I miss her everyday. I can say that time does help: the pain fades and I've learned how to live with my loss. The memories I have of her illness have dimmed, and what's left are the good memories. Those are what I know she would want me to remember.

If you've lost someone you care about then you know how hard it is. It can feel challenging enough to get used to living without them, but "special" days are particularly hard. Those are the days our loss tends to be heightened. These are the times we yearn for what "used to be" and feel melancholy.

Celebrating a holiday for the first time without a loved one is painful. You think about years past and hold your memories close. I remember the first holiday I faced without my Mom. It was Thanksgiving. I was in uncharted waters, in a confusing and disoriented world, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't want to deal with it.

The first year of first holidays is a hard year. While you might dread each upcoming holiday and think about years past, you must remember this is normal. It's OK to feel sad, reminisce about the past, and wish things were different.

While I know it isn't easy, here are some tips that have helped me get through those especially hard days:

Find a way to bring your loved one into your holiday celebration.

It won't make you miss them any less, but it might make things feel a little easier.

Is there a special recipe your Grandmother used to cook? A special meal your family always shared each year on a particular holiday? Continuing this tradition, even though you must do it without your loved one, is a way to keep them with you. While it won't be the same, it will make you feel close to them.

My Grandmother always made a special soup for the holidays. The smell of the soup reminds me of my childhood, of years past, and floods me with memories. I have the recipe, and when I make this soup for my family, I feel like I'm bringing my Grandmother into our lives. It makes me happy to be able to tell my kids, "This is the recipe my Grandma used to make for me."

Using dishes and linens that belonged to my Mom makes me feel like she's smiling down on me. Setting a holiday table like she used to set the table is a way for me to bring her into our celebration. I know she would get a kick out of it, and I know she would be happy my family is enjoying her things.

Take a moment during the holiday celebration to talk about the person you miss.

It's nice, during a family celebration, to take time to remember those people who have passed away. In my family, during a holiday meal, we'll say the names of the people who are no longer with us. Sometimes, we take a moment of silence to remember them. Going around the table and sharing a funny memory is another way to bring your loved ones into the current celebration. Figure out what works for you and your family, and try it. While it won't make you miss them any less, it will make you feel like they're with you.

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Establish a new tradition.

My Mom always enjoyed eating hot fudge sundaes. On her birthday, each and every year, my family has ice cream sundaes. It's a way for us to celebrate her birthday by doing something she would have done herself. It makes it special and allows my kids to remember my Mom in a fun manner. We started this tradition when my children were young, and I don't think we'll ever stop.

Think of something fun, that you and your family can enjoy doing together, that helps you remember your loved one.

Big events are hard.

I'm not going to lie to you, life cycle events are hard. If there's a big event, such as a wedding or christening, printing your loved one's name in the program is a nice way to bring them into the celebration. I've seen this done many times; it's nice to recognize the person and helps make them part of the celebration. Was there a special song they always loved? Play that song at the party. Did they enjoy a particular food? Serve that at the party. Be creative.

There are always special ways you can remember the person you miss.

Surround yourself with people who love and care about you, and go easy on yourself.

Don't judge yourself for feeling "blue," and give yourself time and space to feel sad. It's hard to lose someone you love, and trying to cover it up or mask your sadness won't help. Grief can be a hard process, but time really does help. Losing someone is a hard part of life, but sadly, a necessary part. Give yourself time and patience, let yourself feel sad and miss them, and then try to remember the good times.

You have to begin new traditions and make new memories. Trying to figure out how to do this isn't easy. While I miss my Mom everyday, I am grateful for what I had. I don't focus on the loss, but rather how lucky I was to be her daughter. I know she would want me to make the most of each day of my life, and wouldn't want me to spend my time crying and dwelling on my loss. You owe it to yourself to make the most of each day of your life, even if that means living without a loved one.

Have you struggled after losing a loved one? How did you pull through it? Leave a comment below to share your thoughts and experiences.

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How To Get Through Days When You Miss Someone Who Has Passed

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When my Mom passed away and we were driving home from the hospital, I remember looking around and wondering how life could go on. It was around dinner time and people were going on with their evening. I saw people walking into restaurants, smiling and holding hands, traffic patterns that were normal, and shopping centers that were crowded.

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This explains the stages of Grief and Loss and how to learn and grow through each step.

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This explains the stages of Grief and Loss and how to learn and grow through each step.

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There's no manual on how to cope with loss and certainly no right or wrong way to go through the stages of grief that might come from it.

Mourning is an intimate and unique experience for each of us. If you or someone you love are going through a loss, the new emotions may feel overwhelming and confusing.

There are at least five emotions associated with grief. Feeling this way is natural and even necessary.

These emotions are forward steps in the healing journey, even when it doesn't feel like it at the moment.

Healing from a loss is possible, but it does take time and patience. Even if you're having a particularly hard time with it, resources like counseling and support groups can help you cope when you're going through five stages of grief.

In an effort to better understand the grieving process, many mental health experts and researchers have dedicated years to studying loss and the emotions that come with it.

One of these experts was Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss American psychiatrist. She created the Kübler-Ross model, the theory of the five stages of grief and loss.

In her 1969 book, " On Death and Dying," Kübler-Ross examined the five most common emotional reactions to loss:

Originally, Kübler-Ross referred to them as the "five stages of death." This was because she was working with terminally ill patients at the time, and these were the common emotions they had regarding their own mortality.

Years after her first book, Kübler-Ross adapted and extended her model to include other kinds of loss. The five stages of death became the five stages of grief.

This grief can come in many forms and for different reasons. Everyone, from all walks of life and across cultures, experiences loss and grief at some point.

Mourning doesn't come only from dealing with your own death or the death of a loved one. Mourning can also come as a result of an illness, the end of a close relationship, or even the end of a project or dream.

Grief can similarly come from a perceived or real change in your life. For example, moving to a new city, school, or job, transitioning into a new age group, or staying in isolation because of a pandemic.

In other words, there's no written-in-stone list of "valid" reasons to grieve.

What matters is how you feel. And there are no right or wrong feelings regarding a loss.

Exploring the five stages of grief and loss could help you understand and put into context where you are in your own grieving process and what you feel.

Similarly, if you're concerned or want to understand someone else's grieving process, remember that there's no one way of going through it. Everyone mourns differently.

You could go through many intense emotions, or you could seemingly not react at all. Both responses are valid and not uncommon.

How much time you spend navigating the stages of grief also varies from person to person. It might take you hours, months, or longer to process a loss and heal from it.

You might not experience all these stages of grief or in the order listed above. You could go back and forth from one stage to another.

You may even skip all these emotions and process your loss differently altogether. The five stages of grief are supposed to serve you as a reference, not as a rule.

For some people, this may be the first response to loss.

Denial is a common defense mechanism. It may help you buffer the immediate shock of the hurtful situation.

As an immediate reaction, you might doubt the reality of the loss at first.

A few examples of this type of denial are:

If you're facing the death of a loved one, you might find yourself fantasizing someone will call to say there's been a mistake and nothing really happened.

If you're dealing with a breakup, you might convince yourself your partner will soon regret leaving and come back to you.

If you lost your job, you might feel your former boss will offer you the position back after they realize they've made a mistake.

After this first reaction of shock and denial, you may go numb for a while.

At some point, you could feel like nothing matters to you anymore. Life as you once knew it has changed. It might be difficult to feel you can move on.

The first stage of grief is a natural reaction that helps you process the loss in your own time. By going numb, you're giving yourself time to explore at your own pace the changes you're going through.

Denial is a temporary response that carries you through the first wave of pain. Eventually, when you're ready, the feelings and emotions you have denied will resurface, and your healing journey will continue.

Sometimes pain takes other forms. According to Kübler-Ross, pain from a loss is often redirected and expressed as anger.

Feeling intensely angry might surprise you or your loved ones, but it's not uncommon. This anger serves a purpose.

It might be particularly overwhelming for some people to feel anger because, in many cultures, anger is a feared or rejected emotion. You might be more used to avoiding it than confronting it.

During the anger stage of grief, you might start asking questions like "Why me?" or "What did I do to deserve this?"

You could also feel suddenly angry at inanimate objects, strangers, friends, or family members. You might feel angry at life itself.

It's not rare to also feel anger toward the situation or person you lost. Rationally, you might understand the person isn't to blame. Emotionally, however, you may resent them for causing you pain or for leaving you.

At some point, you might also feel guilty for being angry. This could make you angrier.

Try reminding yourself that underneath your anger is pain. And even if it might not feel like it, this anger is necessary for healing.

Anger might also be a way to reconnect to the world after isolating yourself from it during the denial stage. When you're numb, you disconnect from everyone. When you're angry, you connect, even if through this emotion.

But anger isn't the only emotion you might experience during this stage. Irritability, bitterness, anxiety, rage, and impatience are just some other ways you might cope with your loss. It's all part of the same process.

Bargaining is a stage of grief that helps you hold on to hope in a situation of intense pain.

You might think to yourself that you're willing to do anything and sacrifice everything if your life is restored to how it was before the loss.

During this internal negotiation, you could find yourself thinking in terms of "what if" or "if only": what if I did XYZ, then everything will go back to normal; if only I had done something differently to prevent the loss.

Guilt might be an accompanying emotion during this stage as you inadvertently might be trying to regain some control, even if at your own expense.

All these emotions and thoughts aren't uncommon. As hard as it might feel, this helps you heal as you confront the reality of your loss.

Just as in all the other stages of grief, depression is experienced in different ways. There's no right or wrong way to go about it, nor is there a deadline to overcome it.

In this instance, depression isn't a sign of a mental health condition. Instead, it's a natural and appropriate response to grief.

During the depression stage, you start facing your present reality and the inevitability of the loss you've experienced. Understandably, this realization may lead you to feel intense sadness and despair.

This intense sadness could cause you to feel different in other aspects too. You could feel:

fatigued

vulnerable

confused and distracted

not wanting to move on

not hungry or wanting to eat

not able or willing to get ready in the morning

not able to enjoy what you once did

This is all typically temporary and a direct response to your grieving process.

As overwhelming as it may feel at this point, this stage is a necessary part of your healing journey.

Reaching acceptance isn't necessarily about being OK with what happened. Depending on your experience, it might be understandable if you don't ever feel this way.

Acceptance is more about how you acknowledge the losses you've experienced, how you learn to live with them, and how you readjust your life accordingly.

You might feel more comfortable reaching out to friends and family during this stage, but it's also natural to feel you prefer to withdraw at times.

You may also feel like you accept the loss at times and then move to another stage of grief again. This back-and-forth between stages is natural and a part of the healing process.

In time, you may eventually find yourself stationed at this stage for long periods of time.

That doesn't mean you'll never feel sadness or anger again toward your loss, but your long-term perspective about it and how you live with this reality will be different.

The five stages of grief proposed by Kübler-Ross have served as a framework for many mental health professionals working with the grief process.

Some of these professionals, such as British psychiatrist John Bowlby, have developed their own work around the emotional responses to loss. Others, including Kübler-Ross herself, have adapted and extended the original five-stage model.

This adaptation is usually known as the Kübler-Ross Change Curve. It extends the five core stages of grief to seven overlapping stages:

1. Shock. Intense and sometimes paralyzing surprise at the loss.

2. Denial. Disbelief and the need to look for evidence to confirm the loss.

3. Anger and frustration. A mix between acknowledgment that some things have changed and anger toward this change.

4. Depression. Lack of energy and intense sadness.

5. Testing. Experimenting with the new situation to discover what it actually means in your life.

6. Decision. A rising optimism about learning how to manage the new situation.

7. Integration. Acceptance of the new reality, reflection on what you learned, and stepping out in the world as a renewed person.

Because everyone mourns differently and for different reasons, sometimes you might feel your own grieving process isn't going "according to the norm."

But remember, there's no such thing as a right or wrong way of coping with a loss.

These might be some of the thoughts that could cross your mind when looking at your own or someone else's way of grieving.

1. 'I am doing it wrong'

One of the most common misconceptions about grieving is that everyone goes through it in the same way.

When it comes to healing from a loss, there's no correct way of doing it. You might find it useful to remind yourself there's no "I should be feeling this way."

Grieving isn't about going over or following a set list of steps. It's a unique and multidimensional healing journey.

2. 'I should be feeling...'

Not everyone experiences all the above-mentioned stages or even goes through these emotions the same way.

For example, maybe the depression stage feels more like irritability than sadness for you. And denial could be more of a sense of shock and disbelief than an actual expectation that something out of the blue will fix the loss.

The emotions used to contextualize the stages of grief aren't the only ones you'll experience. You might not even experience them at all, and that's natural too.

This is no indication that your healing journey is faulty in some way. Your healing experience is unique to you and valid nonetheless.

3. 'This goes first'

Remember, there's no specific or linear order for the stages of grief.

You could move along the stages one by one, or you could go back and forth. Some days you might feel very sad, and the very next day you could wake up feeling hopeful. Then you could go back to feeling sad. Some days you might even feel both!

In the same way, denial isn't necessarily the first emotion you'll experience. Maybe your first emotional reaction is anger or depression.

This is natural and part of the healing process.

4. 'It's taking too long'

Coping with a loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience. Many factors affect how long it takes.

Some people navigate through grief in a few days. Others take months or longer to process their loss.

You might find it useful to not set any deadlines to your process.

In grief, you'll experience some of these emotions in waves of intensity. In time, you'll notice this intensity decrease.

If you feel your emotions stay or increase in intensity and frequency, this might be a good time to seek professional support.

5. 'I'm depressed'

Going through the stages of grief, particularly the depression stage, isn't equivalent to clinical depression. There's a distinction between having clinical depression and grieving.

This means that even though some symptoms might be similar, there are still key differences between both.

For example, in grief, the intense sadness will lessen in intensity and frequency as time goes by. You might even experience this sadness at the same time you find temporary relief in happy memories from times before the loss.

In clinical depression, on the other hand, without the proper treatment, your mood would stay negative or worsen with time. It would likely affect your self-esteem. You may rarely experience feelings of pleasure or happiness.

This doesn't mean there isn't a possibility you could develop clinical depression during the grieving process. If your emotions progressively increase in intensity and frequency, reach out for support.

If you're experiencing intense grief and feel unsure about how to cope with it, reaching out for help can provide comfort and support.

Any reason that's valid to you is a good reason for reaching out for help.

Other instances in which you might want to seek help processing your loss include the following:

You need to go back to school or work and have a hard time going about your daily tasks. For example, you're having trouble concentrating.

You're the sole or main guardian or support source for someone else. For example, you're a single parent or someone else's caretaker.

You're experiencing physical discomfort or pain.

You're skipping meals or medications because you don't feel like getting up or doing anything.

Your emotions are increasing in intensity and frequency instead of coming in waves or lessening over time.

You've thought about hurting others or yourself.

If you or someone you know is considering self-harm, you're not alone. Help is available right now:

There are a few other ways to reach out for help, depending on what is available to you.

Friends and family

Talking with friends or relatives might give you a sense of relief.

Verbally expressing how you feel can sometimes release some of the inner turmoil you might be experiencing.

Sometimes you might not feel like talking but instead prefer to have silent company.

Expressing your needs to others can allow them to help you in the way you feel is best for your situation.

Support groups

Engaging in support groups can be helpful too. There are local support groups as well as online support groups.

You can connect to others in the group who have gone through or are going through similar losses. They can direct you to further resources as well.

Support groups can also become a safe space where you can express yourself without feeling judged or pressured if you feel that might be the case when talking to somebody else.

Mental health professionals

Grief counseling and therapy are two ways to work with a mental health professional who might support your own process.

If you have insurance, call your insurer to determine whether this grief counseling is covered under your policy and, if so, under which conditions.

If your insurance doesn't cover counseling sessions, your primary care doctor might be able to offer some support or guidance.

If you don't have health insurance or aren't covered for this service, you could try searching for a local organization that provides grief counseling at a low or no charge.

Many national mental health organizations, like the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), have local or regional chapters. Calling them directly might give you access to some of this information and their specific grief support services.

You've taken the first step by just wondering how you can help your loved one.

Here are some ways you can support them now and in the future.

1. Listen

Perhaps one of the main legacies from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and her work is the importance of listening to the grieving person.

You might have the best intentions and want to provide comforting words. But in some instances, the best support comes from just being there and making it clear that you're available to listen to whatever - and whenever - they want to share.

It's also important to accept it if your loved one doesn't want to talk with you. Give them time and space.

2. Reach out

Not everyone knows how to comfort others. It might be intimidating or overwhelming seeing someone you care about have a rough time.

But don't let these fears stop you from offering help or from being there. Lead with empathy, and the rest will follow.

3. Be practical

Look for ways to ease the weight off your loved one's shoulders. Explore the areas they might need help managing while they process their loss.

This could mean helping with food preparation or grocery shopping, organizing their room or house, or picking up their children from school.

4. Don't assume

You might want to verbally offer your support and be attentive to whatever they tell you might help them feel better. But avoid assuming or guessing "which step" of the process they're going through at the moment.

A smiley face or no tears don't necessarily mean they're not grieving. A change in their physical appearance doesn't mean they're depressed.

Wait for them to express how they feel, if they're ready, and go from there.

5. Search for resources

You might have the clarity of mind and the energy to browse local support groups and organizations, call an insurance company, and find a mental health professional.

The decision of reaching out for this kind of help is, of course, entirely up to the grieving person. But having the information at hand might save time whenever they're prepared or willing to take it.

Some resources you might find helpful are:

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There's no manual on how to cope with loss and certainly no right or wrong way to go through the stages of grief that might come from it. Mourning is an intimate and unique experience for each of us. If you or someone you love are going through a loss, the new emotions may feel overwhelming and confusing.

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How to help a friend in times when they need you most.

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Helping Someone Who's Grieving - HelpGuide.org

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Has someone you know suffered a painful loss? Learn how you can offer support and help them grieve.

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When you're young, the distinct pain of grief may be felt with the loss of a beloved pet. Sometimes years go by, though, before a family member or close friend dies.

Losing someone close to you for the first time is overwhelming. The grief is an unexpected cascade of treasured memories intertwined with feelings of incomplete, unexpressed emotions. In "On Death and Dying," author Elizabeth Kubler-Ross described the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Denial is the first stage that will hit you when someone you love dies. It opens the door to what is to come.

Kubler-Ross and David Kessler, in the book's new edition "On Grief and Grieving," explain that denial comes first to help you survive the loss. During this stage, "the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. ... We go numb." Really, we just want to run away.

Denial must be met head on though, because it starts the grieving and healing process.

"Do your best to remain self-aware in the face of the emotions that will surge," says Virginia A. Simpson, a Sacramento, Calif., bereavement care specialist and author of "The Space Between," a book about caring for her dying mother. "Acknowledge that thoughts such as 'I can't handle this' or 'I'm not strong enough' are just a story you are telling yourself."

Expressing feelings, negative and positive, is important. "You can't avoid the enormity of the situation," says Judy Rosenberg, a Los Angeles-based clinical psychologist. "Along with the death of a person comes the death of precious memories and feeling of incomplete, unexpressed emotions. ... Expression allows you to heal and move on."

Spiritual counselor Audrey Hope said she walked in circles at her office for hours after receiving news of her sister's sudden death. She then expressed her rage and grief by lying on a table and screaming off and on for three hours, she said.

If you are able, being at the bedside of a dying friend or family member can help blunt the pain of denial. Although the paradox of denial is that it can keep you from being there, being part of the dying process can help you through the other stages and lead you toward acceptance.

"Because most people are intimidated by the dying process, they tend to leave the bedside before they have said their final goodbyes," Rosenberg said. "When death is not appropriately grieved, you bear the burden of feeling incomplete. This sense of incompletion can show up as guilt, nightmares and a general feeling of suppressed emotions."

The unexpected loss of someone you love calls for true courage. Chicago therapist David Klow believes that while many people might shrink from the unexpected experience, they would benefit by remaining open to it and "leaning into the feelings."

"Rather than fighting through the feelings, it helps to stay with them and let the feelings guide how you might say goodbye," he said. "Most people worry they will become too overwhelmed by emotions (but) being able to feel what we are going through in the moment actually allows for a healthier grieving process."

To help prepare them for the loss of a loved one later, kids can benefit from learning about loss not related to death early on. Learning how to deal with leaving one school for another, losing a friend who moves away or breaking an object that had special meaning can help create understanding of grief.

"Those experiences help us learn to cope with a loss," says Kriss Kevorkian, a Los Angeles-area thanatologist, a person who studies death and dying. "When losing a loved one for the first time, the best thing to do is ask (yourself) how you coped with other losses in your life."

"In our society, we're often told to 'get over it,' which is just about the worst advice ever," she said. "Sit with your grief, find the meaning in it through appreciating that fact that you have loved ones that you care for."

There's no way to avoid grieving, Kevorkian says. It will come no matter how much you try to resist. "Allow it to unfold," she says. "Grief ... teaches us to appreciate life and those we love. Instead of pushing it aside, embrace it and learn to truly be grateful for every day."

Simpson, the bereavement care specialist, offers this advice when you are at the bedside of a loved one who is dying:

1. Consider that being present at the end of someone's life is a sacred honor, a privilege and a gift.

2. Accept that you may be scared and that it's OK.

3. To alleviate your own fear, focus your attention on the person you love. Touch them, speak to them, sing to them, thank them.

4. Don't worry if you cry.

5. Don't be concerned about knowing the right thing to do. There is no single right thing. Just show up, pay attention, tell the truth and don't be attached to the outcome.
Richard Asa is a freelance writer.

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How to cope with death the first time you lose someone close

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When you're young, the distinct pain of grief may be felt with the loss of a beloved pet. Sometimes years go by, though, before a family member or close friend dies. Losing someone close to you for the first time is overwhelming. The grief is an unexpected cascade of treasured memories intertwined with feelings of incomplete, unexpressed emotions.

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How to Overcome the Death of a Loved One.

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How to Overcome the Death of a Loved One.

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Step 1: Allow the feelings

Coping with the loss of a loved one brings up almost every emotion imaginable. There are times when more than one emotion seems to take hold at once, and you may feel as if you're "going crazy." It's natural to feel this way, as it's normal to experience a number of different feelings.

Gently remind yourself in your time of bereavement and grief that your feelings are yours, and they are well within the norm. It's important to your process to understand that there is no "right" or "wrong" when it comes to your feelings about losing a loved one.

Step 2: Gather support

While there may be times as you are coping with loss when you'll wish to be alone, it's important to gather a support group around you for those times when you might need them. Friends, family, a minister or rabbi, and perhaps a therapist are all people who can and should be accessed during your grief process. These individuals can be a source of emotional support as well as physical needs, if required. The death of a loved one often leaves a large hole in the life of the survivor that can be, at least temporarily, occupied by a support team.

Step 3: Allow the grieving process

Bereavement and grief is a process. It's important to know that every person has their own way of coping with loss. You cannot put a time limit on your grief. You must allow yourself to experience the stages of grief as they come up.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, in her book, On Death and Dying, outlined five stages of grief. Each stage is unique and is not necessarily experienced in order. Stages may also be revisited. These stages are:

Denial: Your experience is incomprehensible, initially. You find it impossible to believe the loss of your loved one is real, and you may be numb from the experience.

Anger: As the truth of the situation begins to take hold, it's normal to feel anger and rage. This anger may be directed at yourself, the loved one for leaving you, doctors for not healing your loved one or even at God.

Bargaining: It's not unusual for survivors to cope with loss by trying to negotiate, usually with their higher power. Don't be surprised if you find yourself trying to make an "if only" deal with God.

Depression: The overwhelming sadness you feel is normal, and in most cases will not last forever. It's common to feel as if life will never be the same.

Acceptance: While this final stage of bereavement and grief is called "acceptance," this refers to coming to terms with the finality of the loss and moving forward with your life. It does not mean that, from time to time, you may not revisit some of the stages listed above, but rather that the pain of your loss will become more manageable.

Step 4: Embrace life

Author David K. Switzer talks about the need to rediscover one's own life in his book Dynamics of Grief: Its Source, Pain, and Healing. While the pain of your loss is real and must be felt, there will come a time when you must begin to live your own life again. By working through overcoming the death of a loved one, you will come to a place of accepting the death as a reality. You will find yourself able to move forward and embrace your life without your loved one by your side.

Your process through bereavement and grief are your own. Everyone responds differently to coping with loss. Above all, be kind to yourself and know that you will wake one day and find the pain is less, and life can go on.

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How to Overcome the Death of a Loved One

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Though coping with loss can be a deeply personal experience, there are a few basic and universal steps to the bereavement and grief process. With compassion toward yourself as you walk through your grief, these steps can show you how to overcome loss.

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Overcoming and accepting the oncoming death of a family member or friend.

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Coping with anticipatory grief is different than coping with the grief after someone dies (conventional grief.) You may have mixed feelings as you find yourself in that delicate place of maintaining hope, while at the same time beginning to let go. Not only are these emotions deeply painful, but people are often less likely to receive support for their grief at this time. Sometimes grieving before death may even be misconstrued as giving up, to someone who hasn't "been there." There are a number of things that may help you cope if you are mourning the loss of someone who is still here. Let's review what anticipatory grief is all about, and then talk about what may help you at this time.

Understanding Anticipatory Grief

Anticipatory grief is the deep sadness that is often felt during the last days of life. It is often experienced both by the loved ones of someone who is nearing death, and the person who is actually dying. While grief before death does open opportunities to say goodbye that sudden death does not, grieving beforehand doesn't replace-or even shorten-the period of grieving following death.

This article is written for those who have a loved one who is nearing death and are experiencing grief, but those who are dying also frequently experience this grief. It's our hope that the suggestions for coping below will help both those who are dying and their loved ones.

Tips for Coping With Anticipatory Grief

The obituaries that speak of "courageous battles" may be beautiful, but they also make it difficult for those caring for a dying loved one (or the person who is actually dying) to fully express the grief they experience prior to death. Not everyone experiences anticipatory grief, but it is common. One study found that 40 percent of widows found the grief before death to be more stressful than grief after death.

If you are experiencing grief while your loved one is still alive it does not mean that you are abandoning your loved one or giving up. Instead, working through your grief may give you an opportunity to gain meaning and closure you would otherwise not have.

Check out the following tips for coping with anticipatory grief that others have found helpful while wading through these difficult emotions.

Allow Yourself to Feel and Grieve

Allowing yourself to feel the pain in your heart helps you to be honest and true with yourself. Anticipatory grief is not just mourning the impending death of a loved one, but all of the other losses that accompany death. The loss of a companion. The loss of shared memories. The loss of dreams for the future. This is also a time when grief from the past may resurface to be "re-grieved." Denying the pain you feel can prolong grief later on in your journey.

Grief serves a purpose whether it occurs before death or after death. Researchers have helped us out by identifying the four phases and tasks of grief. These tasks begin with accepting the imminent loss, working through the pain, and eventually letting go in a way that allows you to relocate your emotional connection to your loved one in a different place. This doesn't mean giving up on your loved one or forgetting them. Rather, completing the tasks of grief allows you to hang on to the joy and love you once shared, but without the intense sadness that makes remembering so painful.

Many people find it difficult to express their grief before death because they see it as being unsupportive of their dying loved one. Finding a trusted friend to talk to can be a wonderful first step in coping with this grief.

Don't Go it Alone: Express Your Pain

It's important to not only let yourself feel your pain but to share your feelings with a close friend or family member as well.

Nobody should have to face anticipatory grief alone. Keeping your feelings to yourself can result in a feeling of deep loneliness and isolation.

If possible, find a friend who is slow to judge and who will be comfortable as you express anger. Studies suggest that anticipatory grief is similar to the grief after someone dies, but there is often more anger and loss of control over emotions.

Try to find a friend who is able to listen, and doesn't try to "fix things." A friend who can listen won't tell you what you should do or how you should feel is ideal. If we don't have a loved one facing death, we have no way of understanding how another feels. Unless we have been there ourselves, and no two people have identical journeys, it can actually be maddening to be advised on what you should do or how you should feel. Some people react to this advice in anger, while others simply shut down. Either way, it does not help you better cope.

If your friend is trying to share advice, let her know that you only want her to listen and not try to fix things. The emotions you are feeling do not have an easy fix. Yet finding someone to listen gives you a way to walk the road feeling a bit less alone.

If you can't find a supportive friend, or even if you can, online support groups, such as those offered by CancerCare are available that provide support for caregivers of people living with terminal illnesses.

Spend Time together

We often hear people talk about how difficult it is to spend time with their loved one who is dying. They don't want to remember their loved one the way they are now but instead want to remember how they were before they were dying. That said, spending time is important not only for the person dying but for close loved ones as well. Avoiding visiting with a dying loved one can sometimes lead to regret later on.

Think of meaningful ways to spend time together. One activity that some have found meaningful is to pull out boxes and albums of old photos. The laughter and tears of reminiscing can be very cleansing. For a woman, you may ask her to pull out her jewelry and talk about the stories behind each piece. If you have young children, or even if you don't, you may wish to make video recordings as your loved one shares stories about what it was like to grow up before email.

Another activity some people have found special is to find an inexpensive paraffin bath and soak and then massage your loved ones hands and feet. You may also wish to find some of her favorite old novels to read to her. If you loved one loved to fish, ask him to share his favorite "big fish" stories. The list could go on and on.

Everyone is different when it comes to what may be meaningful and it's not the activities that you choose that are important. It's spending time, even if that time is in silence.

If you're nervous about visiting your loved one, take a moment to learn about talking to a dying loved one. Finally, many people fear that they will break down and make their loved one's grief even more difficult. Keep in the mind that most of the time your loved one would prefer to have you visit, even if you totally lose it. Tears are OK. If you still feel anxious, especially if your loved one wishes to talk about her death, Take a moment to think about facing your own fears to face your dying loved one.

Remember the Children

Children also experience anticipatory grief, and while it's just as important for children to work through grief, they are often given less opportunity to express themselves, even in most hospice settings.

Studies have shown that children who are not given the opportunity to grieve are more likely to struggle with anxiety and depression later on in life.

Some of the tips below, such as art therapy, may be particularly helpful for children.

Children need to be included and need a safe place to express themselves emotionally. If it is a parent who is dying, choosing someone other than a parent may be helpful as children may try to be strong for their parent or grandparent who is dying. In one study it was noted that parents with advanced cancer were not aware of how deeply distressed their children were. On a more positive note, however, the same study found that children with a parent with advanced cancer valued family members and the important things in life much more than those children who did not have a parent with cancer.

Open communication surrounding death has been shown to help decrease anxiety, depression, and behavioral problems in children who have a parent who is seriously ill. Children need the reassurance that they will be cared for after the death and that they won't be abandoned. Learn more about the needs of grieving children as well as how to talk to children about death.

There are also many good books designed to help children cope with death and dying.

Consider Journaling

Many people find that keeping a journal is very healing. Keeping a journal can be cathartic on one hand, as you express even things you wouldn't feel comfortable sharing with a friend. On the other hand, it can be a place to record special thoughts around the time of your loved one's death-thoughts that you may later wish you had recorded. Some people prefer a private journal. Others may opt to share their thoughts on a site such as Caring Bridge, where they can share not only their thoughts and feelings but updates and requests for help from loved ones.

Instead of, or in addition to, journaling, some people find that writing letters help with the sorrow of an impending death. For example, you could write a letter to your dying loved one saying everything you want to make sure you would say. If you are dying, writing letters to your children-perhaps letters they can open at a later date-provides a place to express those tender emotions and at the same time grant those who remain behind a tremendous gift.

Take Advantage of Holistic Methods of Coping

Adopting a holistic approach may be helpful both for the patient dying and for her loved ones. Several of these therapies have been found to help with emotions such as anxiety, and a few small studies have found that adopting a holistic approach to caring for those who are grieving has helped to bring hope and healing to a painful experience. Some of these practices include:

Nurture Your Spirituality

Spirituality is important for both those who are dying and for their caregivers. Spirituality may take the form of organized religion and prayer, meditation, communing with nature, or even listening to music that is meaningful to you. Studies have shown that people who are dying experience a better quality of life in the last days if they have an active spiritual life, and that spiritual life has benefits for more than the person dying. A recent study found that caregivers of people with advanced cancer were less likely to experience depression if their dying loved one had an active spiritual life.

Maintain a Sense of Humor

There's not a lot of room for comedy when someone is dying, and there is clearly a time for sorrow. But sometimes humor, in the right setting, can be healing. I remember feeling tremendous release at my sister-in-law's sense of humor when my step-father passed away. My mother had forgotten his socks when she brought the rest of his burial outfit to the mortuary and broke down in tears. My sister-in-law kindly offered the socks off her feet; nice REI socks. My step-dad, a dear man who ironed even his T-shirts would probably not have chosen those socks, and this thought was cleansing as it turned my mother's tears of sorrow into tears of laughter. My sister-in-law, having hit our funny-bones then started singing "my socks are going to heaven." Stopping at a grocery store on the way home I'm sure the clerk thought we'd just spent hours at the bar and not a funeral home.

Some cancer centers are now offering laughter therapy for people with advanced cancer. Yes, there are many times when laughter just won't do it. But on occasion, even if you have to "fake it till you make it," laughter may lighten up a heavy mood.

Practice Forgiveness

Forgiveness is healing, and learning to forgive yourself is just as important as forgiving others. The time before death is filled with emotions and anger and resentment among family members can reign strong. But this is also a time to resolve differences. A good first step in forgiveness is listening. So often people are ultimately saying the same thing, just in different ways. Yet sometimes there are clear differences. A question you can ask yourself if you are irritated with another family member is, "is it more important to love or to be right?" Someone once said that resentment is a poison you prepare for another and drink yourself. To let go of resentment and hurts from the past is freeing. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness.​

Give Your Loved One Permission to Die

It's not uncommon for someone to hang on until some specific time, for example, waiting until they hit a date such as the graduation of a child, a birthday, or a visit from a loved one. For some people, it appears as if they finally allow themselves to take their last breath after a loved one says goodbye in some way, and in doing so, grants permission. Permission to die can go both ways. The night my grandmother died she said to me, "we'll miss each other." Her words gave me permission to let her go, and in turn, my response indicating that I would be okay gave her permission to pass on to the next place. The gift of goodbye can be a beautiful gift.

Thanks for your feedback!

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Article Sources

Gilliland, G., and S. Fleming. A Comparison of Spousal Anticipatory Grief and Conventional Grief. Death Studies. 1998. 22(6):541-69.

Kennedy, V., and M. Lloyd-Williams. How Children Cope When a Parent Has Advanced Cancer. Pscyhooncology. 2009. 18(8):886-92.

Librach, S., and J. O'Brien. Supporting Children's Grief Within an Adult and Pediatric Palliative Care Program. Journal of Supportive Oncology. 2011. 9(4):136-40.

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What Can You Do When You Are Already Grieving?

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Coping with anticipatory grief is different than coping with the grief after someone dies (conventional grief.) You may have mixed feelings as you find yourself in that delicate place of maintaining hope, while at the same time beginning to let go.