# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Companions on a Journey Grief Support, Inc. (COJ) is a 501(c)(3) non-profit social service organization that provides ongoing support for the bereaved - one child, one teen, one adult, one family at a time, surrounding them with HOPE, STRENGTH, and HEALING as they create their new life balance.

# data[].attributes.headline
Local Agencies that support you and  your grieving family:

# data[].attributes.subject
Local Agencies that support you and  your grieving family:

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Fernside offers many resources for grieving people and helping professionals. You might be looking for ways to explain the death in your family, information on how to prepare a child for the funeral or how you can support a student in your class who has experienced a death. Let our resources guide you as you support your family or the children and families with whom you are working.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Fernside offers many resources for grieving people and helping professionals. You might be looking for ways to explain the death in your family, information on how to prepare a child for the funeral or how you can support a student in your class who has experienced a death.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Skip to main content

We can all help prevent suicide. The 988 Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals in the United States.

988

¡Los servicios de texto y chat de 988 Lifeline ya están disponibles en español!
Haga clic aquí para obtener información sobre cómo acceder a todos los servicios en español.

Conocer más

Stock photo by iStock.

The 988 Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in the United States. We're committed to improving crisis services and advancing suicide prevention by empowering individuals, advancing professional best practices, and building awareness.

About The Lifeline

Anyone could be struggling with suicide. Find more specific resources below.

I'm Struggling With Individuals with Neurodivergence

We understand that every struggle is different. Experience the stories of people like you, and how they overcame crisis to find hope and recovery.
read stories of hope & recovery

First, you'll hear an automated message featuring additional options while your call is routed to your local 988 Lifeline network crisis center.

We'll play you a little music while we connect you to a skilled, trained crisis worker.

A trained crisis worker at your local center will answer the phone.

This person will listen to you, understand how your problem is affecting you, provide support, and get you the help you need.

988 Lifeline Center calls are free and confidential, and we're available 24/7.

Show What Happens When You Call The Lifeline

Everyone Plays A Role In Suicide Prevention

Get in touch

Call the Lifeline

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Skip to main content We can all help prevent suicide. The 988 Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals in the United States. 988 ¡Los servicios de texto y chat de 988 Lifeline ya están disponibles en español!

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Enchanting Autumn Forests with Beautiful Piano Music - 4K Autumn Ambience & Fall Foliage

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
How to take care of yourself, your family, and other pets when you’ve had to say goodbye

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Chances are good that you live with a furry friend. According to the 2021-2022 APPA National Pet Owners Survey, 90.5 million homes - that's 70% of U.S. households - own a pet.

Although people choose to have a pet for many reasons, the important role these animals play in our daily lives can't be overstated, says clinical health psychologist Amy Sullivan, PsyD.

"Many times we adopt pets because we're struggling ourselves, and we need that companionship. During the pandemic, or during other difficult times in your life, you often hear, 'This pet got me through such a difficult part of life.' That emotional connection to your pet is so vital."

Dealing With the Loss of a Pet: Why Is It So Painful?

Given how much comfort pets bring, it's understandable that losing them can be emotionally devastating. "Our animals become a part of our family," says Dr. Sullivan. "They provide unconditional love and support, which is something that people don't get from a lot of different places."

As an example, she cites how excited pets often are to see you when you return home after being away. "It doesn't matter if you've been gone for two hours or two days, the way that they greet you is just so beautiful," says Dr. Sullivan. "It's like you're their world."

Losing this unconditional love is understandably very difficult. "As humans, we need to feel that love and connection and to know that something views you in such a special way," she adds. "That's why it becomes so painful when we lose our animals."

Grieving a pet after euthanasia

Understandably, it's perfectly normal that grieving the loss of a pet from euthanasia can be much more difficult. "We want to see a pet death occur naturally, when they are at a ripe old age," she says. "But part of the problem is their lives are so short. You never get enough time with your pet."

Euthanasia is often the right decision for your pet, so they're no longer hurting. But knowing a health decision you made led to their death can add extra layers of guilt and exacerbate your pain and grief.

"You certainly don't want to see your pet suffer," says Dr. Sullivan. "But there is that grief that's associated with that guilt, and questioning yourself: 'Am I making the right decision?' That's why it's important to make that decision with your trusted medical professionals and other family members."

Is grieving a lost pet different than grieving a human?

Sullivan stresses that grief isn't "one size fits all" after a death. In other words, it's impossible to compare your reaction to losing a cherished pet versus losing a loved one. "For some people, grieving a pet is more difficult," she says. "For other people, grieving a human is more difficult. For some people, both are very, very difficult. But I don't think a pet death causes less grief than a human one."

However, because a pet is such a treasured member of your family, it's not out of the ordinary to feel a death very deeply. "It depends on your relationship with a pet," adds Dr. Sullivan. "Pets are a part of your life. They provide that additional support and love, and they've gotten you through some very difficult times. And so in some cases, grieving a pet is even more difficult than grieving a human being."

How to Grieve a Pet

As with grieving a loved one, dealing with the loss of a pet takes time. Here's what to keep in mind:

Realize your grief is valid

Dr. Sullivan says being an emotional wreck after a pet dies is completely OK."There have been times when patients have been in my office absolutely more devastated by the loss of their pet, or by having to make the decision to euthanize a pet, than about anything I've ever seen them upset about," she notes.

This extreme reaction to loss goes back to the idea that pets are part of our family. "They may be the most important thing to a person, honestly," says Dr. Sullivan. "We have to have to normalize that this grief is real."

Recognize that grief looks different for everyone

Experts often explain grief using the Kübler-Ross model, which outlines five different phases you go through: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. (Dr. Sullivan prefers to use "adaptation" over acceptance: "Acceptance is more passive, whereas becoming more adaptive is more active. It lets us ask, 'What can we still do?'")

Still, your journey through these phases can be different, even from one day to the next. "There's no consistent way that you approach grief, denial, anger, bargaining, or any of those phases," Dr. Sullivan explains. "Each person moves through these stages at their own unique time and in their own unique way, and they can go back and forth. It's not a linear phase."

"What's important is that we recognize that people are experiencing these feelings, and we support them and guide them in each of these different domains of emotion," she adds.

Create physical memorials

Physical memorials are one of the easiest ways to remember a pet. When Dr. Sullivan's family lost a beloved Yorkshire terrier, Reiley, the vet sent them sympathy cards and gave them a printout of the dog's paw and muzzle prints alongside a poem called The Rainbow Bridge.

Dr. Sullivan also put together a memorial photo book, and she still keeps the terrier's collar and tags hung in a special place of honor in her house. Her family also created a special place in their backyard near where he's buried. "We have a space set up with a special flower that blooms year after year for him, and it has a little statue with his name on it, so we can go back there and look at it," she says.

Join a support group

Some people prefer to grieve privately, out of the public eye. However, for those who find solace in talking to other people, Dr. Sullivan says joining a support group can be helpful. These can be social media-based spaces for grieving or even in-person groups.

Make sure your entire family is supported

Losing a fuzzy buddy affects everybody in your household. Dr. Sullivan says you might have to comfort your other pets, as they are also feeling grief. "If you have multiple pets in the household, they're going to grieve the loss of their companion."

Kids might also need extra support, as losing a pet might be their first personal experience with death. "This may be their first opportunity to really lose somebody," says Dr. Sullivan. "We have to make sure that we help support them in situations of grief, death and dying. It's very new to them, and it can be very scary to them."

Above all, keep in mind that coping with the loss of a pet takes time. You may not get another pet right away - and, even when you do welcome another pet into your family, things will still take an adjustment period. "In the end, you realize your pet wants you to be happy," says Dr. Sullivan. "I don't think you ever move on - you move forward, and the relationship you have with each pet is different. No one's going to replace that."

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
How to Cope With and Mourn the Loss of a Pet

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Chances are good that you live with a furry friend. According to the 2021-2022 APPA National Pet Owners Survey, 90.5 million homes - that's 70% of U.S. households - own a pet. Although people choose to have a pet for many reasons, the important role these animals play in our daily lives can't be overstated, says clinical health psychologist Amy Sullivan, PsyD.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Self-care, engaging in mourning practices, and talking to others who relate can help you through the process of grieving a pet.

Losing someone you love can feel devastating, and the same goes for the death of a cat, dog, or other types of pets.

I know because I've now experienced the loss of four beloved animals that were with me from the time they were babies until they took their last breaths.

The death of my cat, Marilyn, stands out the most. She was diagnosed with cancer in March 2017 and lived for several months under the treatment of a veterinary oncologist.

I often called Marilyn "adventure kitten." I learned that there's a community of adventure cats and their human companions. It's a community Marilyn and I enjoyed being a part of.

She loved to go on trips and adventures. So she and I spent the remainder of her life hiking around Southern California.

When it was time to say goodbye, I just couldn't take her back to the vet's office. So I hired a mobile vet to come on one last hike with us. She passed peacefully in my arms while overlooking the city of Los Angeles.

Even though the vets assured me this was the right decision, it didn't make it any less painful.

When I was reeling after the loss of Marilyn, a family member described the feeling of losing a pet as having the air sucked out of your home. That's exactly how it felt for me.

"The specific reasons why it's so painful to a particular person are unique to that person," says Nadja Geipert, a marriage and family therapist at LA Family Therapy in Los Angeles. Geipert created her own pet grief toolbox to help clients.

"There are things you feel about this cat, this dog, this bird, that no one else feels, which is true for all grief," She adds. "Your relationship is completely unique, and your pet is completely irreplaceable in its unique qualities."

Each time I've loved and lost a pet, it's felt like the end of a chapter in my life. Marilyn helped me cope with the loss of my childhood rabbit, Fluffy. She was also with me through my college years and the journey of starting my editorial career.

I found myself grieving Marilyn and the end of an era.

Attachment

Geipert explains that attachment theory also plays a role in how we process grief.

Our attachment style develops in early childhood and is largely based on interactions with primary caregivers. What we learn during early development forms our worldview and shapes the way we connect and relate to others.

"If we spend enough time [around] anyone or anything and there's a bond, when it goes away it's like somebody took your limbs away," she says. "At some point, our brain processes things as if they're actually part of us, like if you're a tennis player, at some point your brain stops distinguishing between the racket and the arm."

Guilt

When animals are older or very ill, we as caregivers are usually faced with the incredibly hard decision of when to say goodbye. This can lead to feelings of guilt. You might think "Did I make the right decision?" or "What if they had more time?"

If these feelings come up for you, it can be helpful to shift your mindset to view euthanasia under these circumstances as an act of compassion.

Remember that if your vet was recommending you say goodbye, your pet was most likely in a lot of pain, and it wasn't going to get better.

Since we all feel and process grief in our own way, there's no clear answer to how long these feelings will last for you.

You'll probably notice more intense feelings immediately after the loss, but these generally lessen as time goes on.

"It's going to take as long as it's going to take," says Geipert. It's not a linear process, and that's OK. Grief can come and go in waves.

During this time, it can help to find your own way of mourning and processing the death of a pet. Here are some tips.

Try to let yourself feel

You've experienced a loss, and it's OK to let yourself feel all the feelings surrounding it.

"Cry whenever you feel like crying," says Geipert. However, she recommends using your judgment on when and where that's appropriate.

"Tears release stress hormones." She adds that if you're not a heavy crier, that's OK too. "Everybody's way is different."

Try to practice self-compassion

Be good to yourself. Try to engage in some self-care activities as you're going through the grieving process. You can do this by making some extra space for your regular self-care activities or trying something new that you think could feel restorative.

Take some time off from work if you need to.

Some self-care activities you can try at home are:

Consider talking with someone who can relate

"Talking about exactly how you feel is incredibly helpful in grief, which is why it's helpful for people to go to therapy or find a support group," says Geipert.

She recommends finding a way to talk about what and how you're feeling. You can do that with others who have lost a pet, a therapist, or supportive friends and family.

I belonged to a disabled rabbit community and an adventure cat community online. The members were extremely supportive when I posted about losing a pet.

Try a mourning process

Societies and cultures throughout human history have engaged in mourning rituals to cope with emotional pain after a loss. Trying a ritual could also help you grieve after the death of a pet. You might try something familiar, such as having a memorial, or you could create your own practice.

I still light a yahrzeit candle (a Jewish tradition for honoring the anniversary of a loved one's passing) on the anniversary of Marilyn's death.

Geipert says she did an exercise that really helped after losing her cat. She wrote to him.

It's an exercise she also recommends to clients.

"Write a thank-you card to your deceased pet," Geipert says. "Talk about everything you'll miss and what you're most grateful for. Talk about what you regret. Say everything you want to say."

Remove items at your own pace

Some people may want to get rid of their pet's things quickly after a loss, and others may need to do it more gradually.

If it feels challenging to let go of your pet's items, let yourself do it at a pace that feels good for you.

Remember that there's no right or wrong way. This is your process.

Consider finding a way to memorialize your pet

A good way to honor the love you felt for your pet is to memorialize them. If you like to create, try writing, making a photo collage, or arranging a resting place for them inside or outside of your home.

If you're not artistically inclined, there are online services that make art from a photo of your pet. You can also find beautiful ways to keep their remains (if you want to display them or wear them in a memorable piece of jewelry).

I have photos of Marilyn's adventures around my apartment, and I talk about her often. Her adventure Instagram account is still live as a tribute to her journey.

I also had a large canvas print of Marilyn made for her oncologist's office. Her doctor was very kind and told me she'd share Marilyn's story with others; it was oddly comforting.

It's never easy to lose a pet, but it is possible to find peace after loss and joy in the memories that live in your heart.

"If you've lost your [pet] and you're completely heartbroken, know that that's a sign of how mentally healthy you are," says Geipert. "You have the capacity for deep love; it's a good thing."

She recommends reaching out to a therapist if you feel unable to process the pain after a loss.

"If you're really getting stuck in something you're feeling, going to therapy can help you get unstuck."

You can also try online therapy or an online grief support group, if that's a better fit for you.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Self-care, engaging in mourning practices, and talking to others who relate can help you through the process of grieving a pet. Losing someone you love can feel devastating, and the same goes for the death of a cat, dog, or other types of pets.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.provider_name
Mindfulness & Grief: Meditation for Life After Loss

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Try out the meditation for grief and sadness offered at the end of this article to help you cope with the difficult emotions that arise in the wake of loss.
When you are reeling from a significant loss, coping with difficult emotions like sadness, anger, and fear may seem like an impossible task. It is natural to want to turn away from or suppress painful feelings. But as you probably know, the stronger you resist an emotion, the harder it will persist.

It is equally natural to ruminate, spinning your wheels as you try to think your way out of how you feel. Unfortunately, this usually doesn't help either, and in fact may make you feel worse.

A third option exists, and that is to turn toward what hurts with self-compassion. In other words, give yourself the same care you would give your best friend.

How Meditation for Grief and Sadness Can Help

The meditation for grief and sadness below can help you cope with difficult emotions without denying the reality of your pain. It is a practice that you can apply on your meditation seat as well as in the heat of the moment when difficult emotions appear out of nowhere.

Rather than focusing your thoughts on how you are feeling, this practice focuses mindful awareness on how your body is responding to the feelings. Afterward, most people report feeling more calm, centered, and in control. Even though it doesn't fix the situation - nothing can - it helps you find clarity and the resources you need to face your grief.

I use this practice on the spot and quite often myself. As a grief professional, I use it to steady myself when I am moved by a bereaved client's story in a private grief session or group - which happens a lot. As a bereaved person, I use it when I feel overwhelmed in my own life.

Using Meditation for Grief and Sadness in the Moment

A few years ago I attended a funeral for a friend who died too young. I had lost touch with him over the years, but he was such a good person with a young widow and two small children. The world was a better place with him in it, and I felt sad for everyone who was touched by his kind and loving spirit.

During the large funeral service, bagpipes began to play. I sat in the balcony, scanning the faces of people who loved him. Seeing so many of my friends in pain, coupled with all the grief I was carrying from my work and my life, united in a perfect storm of emotional overload.

A tidal wave of sadness welled up in my heart. I felt like I was going to drown in it. Dizzy, hot, and afraid, I was sure that an involuntary wail was about to emerge from my body. I panicked. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on my next exhale, but the crescendo of emotion building up inside drowned out the whisper of my breath.

I didn't want to cause a scene, and I was one moment away from running out of the church before I remembered to ask myself, "What would I tell a client to do?" This meditation for grief and sadness practice immediately came to mind.

Moving From Distress to Insight

"What's happening in my body right now?" I asked myself, eyes closed. "What am I believing to be true?"

I could feel overwhelming sadness as a gray oblong shape. It pressed down on the top of my stomach and up against my lower ribs, forcing my heart up towards my throat. I got curious. "How big is this sensation? What is it made of? What is its shape?" This type of inquiry into the physical symptoms of distress focuses attention away from the upsetting narrative, and instead highlights the present through direct experience.

I realized I had been holding my breath, and that my shoulders and fists were clenched tight. These were things I could control, so I took a mindful breath in and out, softened my shoulders, and unfurled my hands. My body responded to these cues to relax and turned down my stress response and my distress.

I asked myself, "What's happening now?"

Sadness in this moment, I realized, felt like a cold metal shell, but it was protecting a soft and warm center. I felt both vulnerable and safe at the same time. Suddenly, these words came to me:

Make a pillow for your sadness - so it can lie down and you can watch it sleep.

At that point, all my resistance to the difficult emotion melted away. I felt my body relax as the cold metal seemed to soften into warm down. The tidal wave turned into a pool. And somehow, by paying attention to my body, I felt more connected to everyone else in the room. And I was able to focus on the sadness I felt over my friend's death, rather than being distracted by physiological and emotional distress.

Unfortunately the COVID-19 pandemic prevents most of us from attending these types of services in person, which may add to your distress. You can use this practice while watching a service on Zoom, or when emotions arise that are unrelated to funeral rituals. This is a technique you can apply whenever you feel the stir of emotion - no matter how big or how small.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Meditation for Grief and Sadness: Personal Story & A Guided Practice

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Try out the meditation for grief and sadness offered at the end of this article to help you cope with the difficult emotions that arise in the wake of loss. When you are reeling from a significant loss, coping with difficult emotions like sadness, anger, and fear may seem like an impossible task.

# data[].attributes.headline
There is always someone to listen to you and many resources right within our community as well as books and articles that can help you process your grief. 

# data[].attributes.subject
There is always someone to listen to you and many resources right within our community as well as books and articles that can help you process your grief. 

# data[].attributes.headline
Grief in action is a powerful way to do something concrete to honor or recognize your loss. The act can be simple and personal or taking on a project or paying kindness forward to others. 

# data[].attributes.subject
Grief in action is a powerful way to do something concrete to honor or recognize your loss. The act can be simple and personal or taking on a project or paying kindness forward to others. 

# data[].attributes.headline
Using our breath when we feel overwhelmed and even overcome with emothion can help soothe the mind and body when it's feeling tense or unsettled. Give it a try! 

# data[].attributes.subject
Using our breath when we feel overwhelmed and even overcome with emothion can help soothe the mind and body when it's feeling tense or unsettled. Give it a try! 

# data[].attributes.headline
APP'S that help with calming and deep breathing right at your fingertips:

# data[].attributes.subject
APP'S that help with calming and deep breathing right at your fingertips:

# data[].attributes.body
www.headspace.com

CALM:
https://blog.calm.com/take-a-deep-breath

Breathe +SimpleHabit

3 Minute Mindfulness

iBreathe

The Breathing App

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
(This is a quote from a book that doesn't exist called "An Imperial Affliction" by a man named Peter Von Houton who is also not real. You can learn all about this in a real book called "The Fault In Our Stars" by the very real John Green, and you can also see the movie. Both are really good, but oh, the book.)

Over the years, several people have reached out to me in the midst of grief. They have lost someone or something dear to them, and they are struggling mightily.

Sometimes the person is really close to me and I'm able to show up in person to hug them and listen and run to CVS to get them hairspray on the morning of the funeral. Other times I just get an email from someone I don't know too well and my response is to pour out a few thoughts and feelings into a note. It never seems like enough, and it never seems like the right thing to say.

This post contains 4 sections:
I. My Thoughts on Helping Others Grieve
II. My Grief-related Social Media Posts.
III. Articles on Grief
IV. Poems & Readings

1. When it comes to finding THE RIGHT THING to say to someone who is grieving, there just isn't a RIGHT THING to say.

Every person grieves differently and has different needs during different moments in their process. Those needs change from day to day and even moment to moment. This is also true because when it comes down to it, there are no uncomplicated explanations that can easily unravel the many mysteries and paradoxes of conundrums associated with death. And even if there were, there are simply no words that can erase the pain of loss.

2. When it comes to saying the WRONG THING, it turns out there are MANY, MANY, MANY wrong things you can say.

Our well-meaning desire to fix things and to help someone who is hurting often leads us to say things that our grieving friends find unhelpful at the least, and downright excrutiating at the worst. In general, anything that attempts to make things all better like "This too shall pass" or "At least they are no longer in pain," can too easily come off as condescending, uncaring, or just tone deaf. Unwelcome attempts to explain or give meaning can be equally problematic: "God has a plan," or "This is all just part of life," are often experienced as overly simplistic and poorly timed. ( Grief.com has a useful list of the best and worst things to say to someone who has recently experienced a loss.)

3. Sympathy and Empathy are both useful, and yet tricky.

Feeling sorry for someone is natural, and your ability to imagine just how difficult things are for someone is wired into most of us. If you haven't experienced the loss of someone really close to you, ask anyone who *has* lost someone dear to them just how many times they've had conversations where they ended up having to consoling someone who was trying to console them. While you're at it, ask them how frustrating it can be one someone attempts to empathize by saying, "Oh let me tell you about the time I lost someone." Again, it's so often well-meaning, and yet it ends up either not helping or actually making things worse.

4. Some things cannot be fixed and not all wounds will be completely healed.

There are *lots* of well-meaning yet really unhelpful things people say around trying to help people "move on" from grief. I've posted several articles below that have helped me make the distinction between "moving on" and "moving forward."

5. Grief is not linear.

We need to help each other remember that grief is really a complex and conflicting melange of thoughts, emotions and actions. that you can and will be sad and happy. You'll be grieving and able to love in the same year or week, even the same breath. We need to remember that a grieving person is going to laugh again and smile again if they're lucky they'll even find love again...absolutely they're going to move forward, but that doesn't mean that they've moved on.

UNIMAGINABLE (but not unbearable) GRIEF "What you are living through right now may be extremely uncomfortable, incredibly unpleasant, even unimaginable. It is not actually unbearable. I know this to be true because you are reading this right now. You are somehow bearing it right now. You are, indeed, living through this. You've made it through the hours and days since his passing, and you are alive right now. Notice that, be aware that you are really alive right now."

In Touch With Grief: Jessica's Story
"Jessica--your life isn't going to be easy any time soon. This is very likely going to be the toughest thing you and your family face. Ever. This is going to scar you. But it doesn't have to break you."

This is an remarkable list of useful advice, and many of them are links to other posts on WhatsYourGrief.com. I especially appreciated We Don't Recover From Grief, and that's Okay that included this line "Experiencing pain doesn't negate the potential for healing. With constructive coping and maybe a little support, the intensity of your distress will lessen and your healing will evolve over time."

"Grief is a strange companion. It's never invited, yet it visits throughout our life, sometimes when we least expect it, other times with forewarning. It manifests in different ways: sometimes hovering awkwardly above us, its weight resting heavy on our shoulders. At other times, it runs at you with force, punching you in the stomach and knocking the air right out of your lungs. No matter where you go, it follows, lingering in the background, until a memory or quiet moment opens the door for it to sneak into your mind and spread throughout your entire body." 5 Surprising Things I'm Learning About Grief by Lina Cronin

This article unpacks how the all-to-common phrase, "Sorry for your loss" can have unintended consequences, and makes the case for these alternatives:1. I'm Here For You

2. Peace And Be Well
3. You Have My Heart And Support
4. I Know It's Hard...
5. Let Me Help

Nora interweaves humor and stark truth to tell her story and shares some valuable wisdom she's gained about loss. She kicks off by disclosing she lost a pregrnancy, her father, and her husband in the span of two months. Not everyone will be ready to watch this, but wow she has some great things to say. I recommend that everyone eventually watch this, because, as she says: "Everyone you love has a 100% chance of dying." Oh Nora wrote a companion article I enjoyed: The Messy, Complicated Truth About Grief.

By Karine Bell
"Grief is such an urgent and forceful energy. It's immediate and demanding when it arrives. In fact, it is so powerful a human emotion that some cultures have rituals around grief that enable them to confront and express it, and the storm within our bodies and minds that it stirs up."

Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened.
Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I, and you are you,
and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just round the corner.
All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!
-Henry Scott Holland (from a 1910 sermon)

I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship, at my side, spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone."
Gone where?
Gone from my sight. That is all.
She is just as large in mast, hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me -- not in her. And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone," there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"
And that is dying...
-Henry Van Dyke

Someone posted on Reddit: "My friend just died. I don't know what to do." And one person responded with this incredible outpouring of wisdom and compassion:

Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
(This is a quote from a book that doesn't exist called "An Imperial Affliction" by a man named Peter Von Houton who is also not real. You can learn all about this in a real book called "The Fault In Our Stars" by the very real John Green, and you can also see the movie.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
In these difficult times, we've made a number of our coronavirus articles free for all readers. To get all of HBR's content delivered to your inbox, sign up for the Daily Alert newsletter.

Some of the HBR edit staff met virtually the other day - a screen full of faces in a scene becoming more common everywhere. We talked about the content we're commissioning in this harrowing time of a pandemic and how we can help people. But we also talked about how we were feeling. One colleague mentioned that what she felt was grief. Heads nodded in all the panes.

If we can name it, perhaps we can manage it. We turned to David Kessler for ideas on how to do that. Kessler is the world's foremost expert on grief. He co-wrote with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief through the Five Stages of Loss. His new book adds another stage to the process, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. Kessler also has worked for a decade in a three-hospital system in Los Angeles. He served on their biohazards team. His volunteer work includes being an LAPD Specialist Reserve for traumatic events as well as having served on the Red Cross's disaster services team. He is the founder of www.grief.com, which has over 5 million visits yearly from 167 countries.

Kessler shared his thoughts on why it's important to acknowledge the grief you may be feeling, how to manage it, and how he believes we will find meaning in it. The conversation is lightly edited for clarity.
HBR: People are feeling any number of things right now. Is it right to call some of what they're feeling grief?
Kessler: Yes, and we're feeling a number of different griefs. We feel the world has changed, and it has. We know this is temporary, but it doesn't feel that way, and we realize things will be different. Just as going to the airport is forever different from how it was before 9/11, things will change and this is the point at which they changed. The loss of normalcy; the fear of economic toll; the loss of connection. This is hitting us and we're grieving. Collectively. We are not used to this kind of collective grief in the air.
You said we're feeling more than one kind of grief?
Yes, we're also feeling anticipatory grief. Anticipatory grief is that feeling we get about what the future holds when we're uncertain. Usually it centers on death. We feel it when someone gets a dire diagnosis or when we have the normal thought that we'll lose a parent someday. Anticipatory grief is also more broadly imagined futures. There is a storm coming. There's something bad out there. With a virus, this kind of grief is so confusing for people. Our primitive mind knows something bad is happening, but you can't see it. This breaks our sense of safety. We're feeling that loss of safety. I don't think we've collectively lost our sense of general safety like this. Individually or as smaller groups, people have felt this. But all together, this is new. We are grieving on a micro and a macro level.
What can individuals do to manage all this grief?
Understanding the stages of grief is a start. But whenever I talk about the stages of grief, I have to remind people that the stages aren't linear and may not happen in this order. It's not a map but it provides some scaffolding for this unknown world. There's denial, which we say a lot of early on: This virus won't affect us. There's anger: You're making me stay home and taking away my activities. There's bargaining: Okay, if I social distance for two weeks everything will be better, right? There's sadness: I don't know when this will end. And finally there's acceptance. This is happening; I have to figure out how to proceed.

Acceptance, as you might imagine, is where the power lies. We find control in acceptance. I can wash my hands. I can keep a safe distance. I can learn how to work virtually.
When we're feeling grief there's that physical pain. And the racing mind. Are there techniques to deal with that to make it less intense?
Let's go back to anticipatory grief. Unhealthy anticipatory grief is really anxiety, and that's the feeling you're talking about. Our mind begins to show us images. My parents getting sick. We see the worst scenarios. That's our minds being protective. Our goal is not to ignore those images or to try to make them go away - your mind won't let you do that and it can be painful to try and force it. The goal is to find balance in the things you're thinking. If you feel the worst image taking shape, make yourself think of the best image. We all get a little sick and the world continues. Not everyone I love dies. Maybe no one does because we're all taking the right steps. Neither scenario should be ignored but neither should dominate either.

Anticipatory grief is the mind going to the future and imagining the worst. To calm yourself, you want to come into the present. This will be familiar advice to anyone who has meditated or practiced mindfulness but people are always surprised at how prosaic this can be. You can name five things in the room. There's a computer, a chair, a picture of the dog, an old rug, and a coffee mug. It's that simple. Breathe. Realize that in the present moment, nothing you've anticipated has happened. In this moment, you're okay. You have food. You are not sick. Use your senses and think about what they feel. The desk is hard. The blanket is soft. I can feel the breath coming into my nose. This really will work to dampen some of that pain.

You can also think about how to let go of what you can't control. What your neighbor is doing is out of your control. What is in your control is staying six feet away from them and washing your hands. Focus on that.

Finally, it's a good time to stock up on compassion. Everyone will have different levels of fear and grief and it manifests in different ways. A coworker got very snippy with me the other day and I thought, That's not like this person; that's how they're dealing with this. I'm seeing their fear and anxiety. So be patient. Think about who someone usually is and not who they seem to be in this moment.
One particularly troubling aspect of this pandemic is the open-endedness of it.
This is a temporary state. It helps to say it. I worked for 10 years in the hospital system. I've been trained for situations like this. I've also studied the 1918 flu pandemic. The precautions we're taking are the right ones. History tells us that. This is survivable. We will survive. This is a time to overprotect but not overreact.

And, I believe we will find meaning in it. I've been honored that Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's family has given me permission to add a sixth stage to grief: Meaning. I had talked to Elisabeth quite a bit about what came after acceptance. I did not want to stop at acceptance when I experienced some personal grief. I wanted meaning in those darkest hours. And I do believe we find light in those times. Even now people are realizing they can connect through technology. They are not as remote as they thought. They are realizing they can use their phones for long conversations. They're appreciating walks. I believe we will continue to find meaning now and when this is over.
What do you say to someone who's read all this and is still feeling overwhelmed with grief?
Keep trying. There is something powerful about naming this as grief. It helps us feel what's inside of us. So many have told me in the past week, "I'm telling my coworkers I'm having a hard time," or "I cried last night." When you name it, you feel it and it moves through you. Emotions need motion. It's important we acknowledge what we go through. One unfortunate byproduct of the self-help movement is we're the first generation to have feelings about our feelings. We tell ourselves things like, I feel sad, but I shouldn't feel that; other people have it worse. We can - we should - stop at the first feeling. I feel sad. Let me go for five minutes to feel sad. Your work is to feel your sadness and fear and anger whether or not someone else is feeling something. Fighting it doesn't help because your body is producing the feeling. If we allow the feelings to happen, they'll happen in an orderly way, and it empowers us. Then we're not victims.
In an orderly way?
Yes. Sometimes we try not to feel what we're feeling because we have this image of a "gang of feelings." If I feel sad and let that in, it'll never go away. The gang of bad feelings will overrun me. The truth is a feeling that moves through us. We feel it and it goes and then we go to the next feeling. There's no gang out to get us. It's absurd to think we shouldn't feel grief right now. Let yourself feel the grief and keep going.

If our content helps you to contend with coronavirus and other challenges, please consider subscribing to HBR. A subscription purchase is the best way to support the creation of these resources.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
During the global pandemic, a palpable sense of collective grief has emerged. Grief expert David Kessler says that grief is actually multiple feelings that we must manage. In an interview with HBR, he explains how the classic five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance) apply today, and the practical steps we can take to manage the anxiety.

# data[].attributes.headline
Have faith that your prayers will be heard, speak from your heart

# data[].attributes.subject
Have faith that your prayers will be heard, speak from your heart

# data[].attributes.headline
Collect a few photos and frame them or place in an album together. Write down your memory about the picture.

# data[].attributes.subject
Collect a few photos and frame them or place in an album together. Write down your memory about the picture.

# data[].attributes.body
SPREAD KINDNESS in memory of your loved one, provide random acts of kindness

Create an ornament, wreath or table centerpiece using the persons favorite color's, sayings, flowers, objects, etc.

Light a candle and open the bible to one of their favorite verses

Do what brings you joy and meaning and offer it up in their memory.

Plant a tree or flower in your yard, or a window box.

Find an object that represents that person to you. Keep it somewhere to remind you of the special place this person had in your life and as a reminder that you will carry them with you.

Create a playlist of their favorite songs and share the list with others to enjoy.

# data[].attributes.headline
Cast your eyes on images that comfort you. If looking at pictures is too much, that's ok. Go out and take in the world around you or use the links below. 

# data[].attributes.subject
Cast your eyes on images that comfort you. If looking at pictures is too much, that's ok. Go out and take in the world around you or use the links below. 

# data[].attributes.headline
Read about how instrumental music can be - you will find a great read here with a list of songs. Enjoy the music and lyrics in the videos posted further down. What would you add to the is list?

# data[].attributes.subject
Read about how instrumental music can be - you will find a great read here with a list of songs. Enjoy the music and lyrics in the videos posted further down. What would you add to the is list?

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
[Reviewed and updated March 15, 2020 ]
When you're happy, you enjoy the music. But, when you're sad, you understand the lyrics. ~ Frank Ocean

People have known for centuries that music touches the human soul. We know intuitively that music affects us in profound and healing ways, both emotionally and physically, and present-day research demonstrates this to be true. In health care settings such as hospitals, clinics and hospices, music therapy is found to be remarkably effective in helping to calm patients, reduce stress, ease muscle tension, promote movement and manage pain.

". . .one of the most beautiful gifts that humans have brought to the earth is music. In great music, the ancient longing of the earth finds a voice . . . Music ministers to the silence and solitude of nature; it is one of the most powerful, immediate, and intimate of sensuous experiences. Music is, perhaps, the art form that brings us closest to the eternal because it changes immediately and irreversibly the way we experience time. When we are listening to beautiful music, we enter into the eternal dimension of time. Transitory, broken linear time fades away, and we come into the circle of belonging within the eternal. The Irish writer Sean O'Faolain said, "In the presence of great music we have no alternative but to live nobly." ~ John O'Donohue, in Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom, pp. 72-73

When we are struggling with grief, music can lift us up, take us out of our current mood, and transport us to another time and place. When we cannot find the words, a particular song may express our thoughts and feelings even better than we are able to do. Whether with lyrics or without, music can be used as an escape or a respite from our pain, or as a form of relaxation or meditation while we confront our sorrow. Music helps us to remember the one who died, and it can help to bring a sense of balance, peace and harmony back into our lives, even if only for a moment.

In his informative article, What Is Our Phoenix Song: Using Music to Heal Our Grief, Bereavement Services Manager Vince Corso writes: "No matter your preference for style or composer, music can lend itself to healing the pain of grief. I encourage you to connect with music that can offer you solace and bring you to a place of healing and remembrance." His article includes many creative ways you can use music in your own grief journey.

The following message was posted by one of our members in the Behaviors in Bereavement Forum on our Grief Healing Discussion Groups website:

". . . I have been listening to music that makes me both happy and sad, because it reminds me of my dad. Some of the lyrics make me cry, and some make me smile. I should probably only share the happy stuff, but no, this site also acknowledges the sad feelings, I feel. So, I don't mean to make everyone sad, but I wanted to share a song: Enya -- If I Could Be Where You Are."

Since this post first appeared, several other members have added links to a number of beautiful songs whose lyrics have touched them in some meaningful way. ( Due to copyright claims, you may find that, when you click on the links included below, some of the videos no longer appear on YouTube. If that is the case, try typing the title of the song and the artist into YouTube's search engine to see if another rendition of the song comes up for you.)

If you've found a special song that soothes you or helps you remember your loved one, you are invited to add it to our list in the Comments section below.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Reviewed and updated March 15, 2020 ] When you're happy, you enjoy the music. But, when you're sad, you understand the lyrics. ~ Frank Ocean People have known for centuries that music touches the human soul. We know intuitively that music affects us in profound and healing ways, both emotionally and physically, and present-day research demonstrates this to be true.

# data[].attributes.headline
When you color, pick color's that you feel represent your emotions. Print out and color with markers, pencils, crayons or even paint!

# data[].attributes.subject
When you color, pick color's that you feel represent your emotions. Print out and color with markers, pencils, crayons or even paint!

# data[].attributes.headline
Writing can be very cathartic when dealing with loss by taking what's going on in your mind and doing something concrete with it: using pen and paper to physically write down thoughts and feelings.

# data[].attributes.subject
Writing can be very cathartic when dealing with loss by taking what's going on in your mind and doing something concrete with it: using pen and paper to physically write down thoughts and feelings.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Ocean Waves Relaxation 10 Hours | Soothing Waves Crashing on Beach | White Noise for Sleep

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
4 Hours Mountain Stream - Relaxing Nature Sounds

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Burning Candle Meditation ~ Relaxing Music for Sleep & Study

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
[10 Hours] Burning Candle - Video Only [1080HD] SlowTV

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
The Prayer (w/Lyrics) - Celine Dion and Andrea Bocelli (LIVE)🌎

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Forest Blakk - Put Your Hands Up (Lyrics)

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Casting Crowns - Just Be Held (Official Lyric Video)

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Praise You In This Storm - Casting Crowns - with Lyrics

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Where Feet May Fail (Oceans) - Hillsong United - LYRICS

# data[].attributes.headline
The contents listed here are to support you as you work through your grief. Please remember that your Counselor's and Campus Ministry Team along with the entire Faculty and Staff at Mount Notre Dame are here for you. Please stop by to see us for an office visit or send us an email, we are here for you if you need to talk, cry, share a memory...whatever you need. Please be kind to yourself. Take and use whatever you need from this page. Take care of yourself and make sure you are surrounding yourself, as you can, with people to comfort and care for you. Finally, don't forget to take care of your health and safety. Getting a good night's rest and keeping a good diet and routine are essential during any time of crisis. Peace be with you.

# data[].attributes.subject
The contents listed here are to support you as you work through your grief. Please remember that your Counselor's and Campus Ministry Team along with the entire Faculty and Staff at Mount Notre Dame are here for you. Please stop by to see us for an office visit or send us an email, we are here for you if you need to talk, cry, share a memory...whatever you need. Please be kind to yourself. Take and use whatever you need from this page. Take care of yourself and make sure you are surrounding yourself, as you can, with people to comfort and care for you. Finally, don't forget to take care of your health and safety. Getting a good night's rest and keeping a good diet and routine are essential during any time of crisis. Peace be with you.