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All these emotions and milestones deeply connect to the loss of my grandmother. Losing her really affected me and impacted my attachment issues towards my parents so much. I fear that I am losing so much time with them by being away. I fear to tell them this because I know they would expect me to choose my education before them, but what they do not know that it could not be possible without all the sacrifices they made for me.

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And this is where we are now. I have had so many breakdowns and unmotivated days at school because it gets very lonely. As much as I love having my own room here, I really do miss LA a lot, as well as my mother’s food. Right now I am contemplating returning for my sophomore year and just doing my studies at home. I know it is a big decision to make and can really affect many opportunities. But I promised myself I would begin looking out for my mental and emotional health than other's personal opinions.

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After four years of waiting, the time had finally come. At first I was very excited to move out of my house but after filming my move-in tik-tok it made me a bit sad and lonely to be 450 miles away from home and my parents. But I knew that all my pain and success at Berkeley would one day pay off and be able to make my family very happy.

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Something else that was also a bit comforting was being able to visit campus for the first time and start portraying my life there for the next four years.

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However, even after all the millions of breakdowns that I had, a lot became more clear on my 18th birthday/graduation. I was able to graduate in a white gown because I was senior class president at my school. Luckily I was still able to share my virtual graduation with my family and one of my grandmothers who both have always been there at everyone one of my graduations and see me give my speech thanking them for all they have given me. Seeing them tear up and reminisce on how much I have grown from my last graduation speech, was just an amazing feeling to still make nice memories with them.

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During quarantine, I also had a lot of mental breakdowns. They were mainly stress-induced and from lack of confidence in attending Berkeley.

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The loss of my senior year and finding out my live prom and graduation were officially canceled led to an impulsive decision. I was originally debating to cut my hair for many years and I think the pain of growing it for so long from prom and graduation really overtook me. I'm not gonna lie, I kinda regret cutting it bc it is taking so long for it to grow back.

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Receiving my dream letterman jacket was when I finally began to accept the loss of my senior year.

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Another life-changing event that occurred during this quarantine was my decision to further my education at my dream school, UC Berkeley. It was really nice to still have been able to share this important moment with both my parents and have them support me endlessly for whichever choice I was deciding to make.

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One of the most devastating events that occurred during this quarantine was the passing of my grandmother. It was one of the most heartbreaking events I had to deal with at an understanding age. It was so hurtful seeing my mother and my grandfather in so much pain that it changed so much of my own family perspective. It changed me as an independent person who was ready to go into the real world by herself but her passing really made me fear so much of what could happen out in the real world. It helped me understand that even if I grew up hurting so much from my parents, I would always need them in my life no matter what and I fear they’re passing more than my very own.

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Current mood at school during quarantine 

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Current mood at school during quarantine 

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*Begin here, move counterclockwise*