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Ever since covid started, my mental health was not in a good place, I became scared of living? Scared to die of covid, but not just that. I'd be scared in general. When I got my first panic attack I remember laying in my bed, wondering if "this is it" I knew it was anxiety too but I thought " it mustn't be this strong??" . I waited for my mom to arrive that day and I cried, because my heart had been pounding pretty fast for a couple of hours. I thought " I might need to go to the hospital" . I didn't even eat well that day, so when my mom bought canned soup and a Gatorade, it tasted so good. I had to sleep with my mom for a couple of weeks, a month? At the age of 17. Who the heck would still sleep with their mom?, I did, because I genuinely feared for my life everyday, I'd have heart burn too. My eyes would dry out from the stress I'd put myself , and that caused me to panic more, thinking I had something wrong. Man, panic attacks and anxiety is the worst. I couldn't continue with school (college), I didn't even want to go outside, I barley showered. I'd sometimes pinch myself , scratch myself to not pass out. In truth , I never did pass out, it made me realize I was stronger than I thought. I still suffer with anxiety and panic attacks, BUT I can definitely say I am better. This year I want to finally get into college and a job :) . Something that really helped me was meditation. Focusing on the present moment. Sometimes I have bad days but, I finally know how to take control. When I can't, it doesn't mean I'm weak. I'm actually stronger than I think to have put up with intense anxiety for awhile now.

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I honestly wish I was doing better. With school starting this month I’ve been feeling incredibly anxious. I haven’t been able to get myself to do my summer assignments even though I know I have to do them if I want to start the year off right. I have been like this for a little while with other things like chores or basic things. I can’t make myself do the things I know I need to do and it causes me so much guilt and stress. If I do my chores or homework, someone has to constantly remind me or push me to do these things.

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Im not 100% okay. This pandemic has cause bad condition to my mental health. Im depress, i have to took a medication again after stop it for a years…. :( i felt hopeless & lifeless…i dont know which way to go. sorry its a lil bit pathetic and overreacted but thats my feelings. Im not okay….

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i’ve been doing so much better. i finally got a job and feel like a productive member of society. i have more freedom and dan purchase things i love without feeling guilty, i’ve gotten closer with my family and realized my own self worthy. even tho i still feel insecure and doubtful at times, i know that it will pass.

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Today I finally got to see a friend that I haven’t got to see in forever. I was so happy to get to spend time with them again :) we had a lot of fun doing stuff I don’t/can’t do alone. We talked a lot about what’s been going on in our lives and it was relaxing to listen and talk about. I really hope we can hang out again soon because we don’t see each other nearly enough.

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went out for a late night drive today! it was really nice and peaceful. also, i went on a walk with my family at the park and got to spend some more time with them so that was really nice. 

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went out for a late night drive today! it was really nice and peaceful. also, i went on a walk with my family at the park and got to spend some more time with them so that was really nice. 

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Currently going through a really difficult period in my life, but I’ve decided to use it to focus on my growth and reconnecting with myself. I am continually asking myself, What do I want or need right now? And seeing how I can honor it❤️

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today i spent time with family and practiced self care through exercise and my nighttime routine 🤍

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I had a very nice day. :)
I went on a virtual date with a girl, my first ever date with a girl and I feel more queer than ever!
But I also feel like a queer baby cus she's in a poly relationship and has had more queer experiences.
Don't get me wrong, I've had a lot of experiences too ;) But they've all been cis-het.
I feel excited about this newness cus it feels adventurous but also a little uncomfortable because I feel like an amateur.

I also read a paper which discussed about bedlife which is about the dominating experience of the bed in the lives of people with chronic illnesses. And I could relate to this so much because ever since I had my first depressive episode, which was 6 years ago, I've spent so much time on my bed being sick. I especially liked how the bed was deconstructed keeping the perspective of brown, queer females.

If anyone's reading this, please feel free to share your thoughts! About any part haha. :)

Have a nice day, stay safe xx