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I'm so tired of being here, the suicidal thoughts and ideations assault my mind constantly.  I live in fear of one day going through with  it.  It's been so long since I've felt this way that now it almost feels normal, but I made a promise to my kid and I intend to keep it

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I am afraid of always being afraid.

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After the assault I felt angry , I was being accused of a crime that i was the victim of. This month the courts saw things my way, finally i'm free of the stress of that situation. I've worn a path in my head trying to reconcile what happened, wondering what it was that i did to make this person feel that he needed to hurt me as he did. What has made sense is, It's not truly anything i did.  We had differences, he had his own baggage and few tools to deal with the emotions he was feeling, when all the other attempts at finding a resolution to our conflicts seem to have failed in his eyes, he must have felt that the only choice he had left was to hurt me in a way that would release him. When words didn't provide the relief for him that he sought he resorted to violence. I may have been the catalyst for his discontentment with his own troubles but i'm certain i was not the cause of his troubles. I once again can acknowledge that we had disconnects, but nothing so challenging to have made what he did to me ok. The lies he told , the lies they both told about me, the community that they turned against me. They play the victim card so often, I'm not a good victim, I refuse to be { even when inside i know i have been} They are the kind of victims that look to make more victims. I've learned so much from what happened, I've done so much work on myself since. I feel more cautious now. I've found the people that really matter, i discovered how resilient  i am. I'm so much stronger than i thought i could be.

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I have been in a debilitating state of depression. I can't always see the light at the end of the tunnel and the tunnel seems to continuously narrow. I am tired.

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In the end its all worth it...But wait, its not the end, not by a long stretch. I'm learning every day, to live each moment, not guilt myself for not being, doing, whatever it may be that some part of my head thinks i should have done, been, whatever. Turning down the volume to that bitch that gives me bad info.Turning up the volume on the thoughts that remind me of how awesome i am. I am loved, i am worthy of love.

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4 yr friendship, to housemate, to assailant. He put his hands on me, he held me in a locked position, he threw me against the walls, then against the floor. He pressed his knee into me chest, pressed my own hand against my throat to stop my screams. I kicked, screamed, pushed, did everything i could to get him to let me go. I didn't make the first move, he reached out to grab my wrists. I turned to walk away , he put his foot out to trip me. I found myself laughing out of disbelief that he felt he could do this to me. How powerless he must have felt to feel the need to use violence against me. How threatened of me he was,  in my independence. I still struggle to understand how he felt the need to hurt me. I defended myself, and for that i stand accused, of the very thing that i am a victim of. I've kept to myself, he's cried loudly smearing my name about. I'm doubly the victim, as my assailant is still hurting me. I'm struggling to find my voice to tell my truth. His voice is loud, his words are lies. The courts are doing there best to perpetuate the trauma i feel. I want  this to be over. I want to be heard.

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I can't decide what I want and that really scares me. I feel like I am being tugged along, dragged by an unknown force which makes me forget who I really am... who am I? Am I who I am because of who? Why can't I just find solace and peace in solitude?

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I never thought my worst nightmare would become my reality. The life I’m living currently is the life that only 5 years ago I would think about and say “if that was my life I’d rather die, I’d kill myself in a second”. It’s been almost 3 years of it now, and I’m still here pushing through every day. I don’t regret it. But I’m not sure how much more I can take.

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We don't always get to pick our battles

ME TOO

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Sometimes I really don't believe that the people who say they love me really do and sometimes I don't think I really know how to love.

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At times when i feel all fucked up inside, it helps to remember that everything changes. Then I pick up my journal and begin to dowse the pages with ink and tears.

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I sometimes feel that I make myself unbearably difficult to love... I feel that I open myself up to the highest spectrum of giving and receiving love, but when my enthusiasm isn't matched, I automatically blame myself and mark it as a fault that I must be carrying.

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CW: sexual assault

When I was a freshman in high school, one of my closest guy friends and another guy decided that since there were no parents home while we were doing a school project, that they could touch me, pin me down, tear off my pants, and try to have their way with me. I kicked, screamed, and fought. Then, the dude's mom came home and they stopped. That's the only reason. I never told anyone besides my best friend at the time. And now, as an adult, in an era that has enlightened me, I WAS SEXUALLY ASSAULTED

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What if what I did was actually the wrong thing. Who is to say what is right and what is wrong?

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When I think about thinking too much, my brain turns to mush and I go straight into "well, guess I'm supposed to die" mode. Why??

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Kind of feeling like this upstairs, surrounded by memories of those that have passed on both figuratively and truly in my life. Reflecting on where i have been and thinking on what it is i am creating for tomorrow.  Another entanglement gone south, i have an idea what the problem is, how to resolve it isn't so clear . My housemate asked a question and 7 was my answer. today i'm down 28. Tomorrow i hope to do better. Yesterday, i was having a bitch of a time moving, today was better, tomorrow. Tomorrow? I can't say for sure that i'll be ok, but at least my hands will be busy building something, perhaps my head will quite while i work.

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I am my biggest opponent. I am really hard on myself and struggle with panic attacks quite often. I just started therapy for the first time ever and I'm very nervous/excited. I was on an SSRI for a few years and just recently stopped. It's really hard to go back to feeling bad again, but it's better than being numb. Maybe.

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Often, I think back to the lovers and partners I've had that I have had that were so wonderful, and so beautiful, and so accepting. But they all happened at the wrong time. All circumstantial. Where would I be now if the time was right? Would I be happier with one of them instead? I have at least two that got away. One tried to come back, but I didn't let him. Should I have?

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He used the D word on me. Disappointment. I don't believe he could ever understand how i'm the hugest disappointment to myself. I feel stupid for being dyslexic , and i tried explaining to him and now i just feel like a fool for ever trusting he would understand or even care enough to still be friends.  The lyrics keep ringing in my head " it doesn't mean that much to me to mean that much to you" .

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It occurred to me that his criticism of my project helped me grow outside of my own ideas. And in turn made it better. Hindsite I appreciate what he said even though at the time it hurt.

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He's rolling around in my mind again. I remind myself it doesn't mean that much to him to mean that much to me. I recognize this pattern, and I'm battling with myself to change it , to love myself so that I can then love others and accept the love that comes my way without smothering them with my neediness

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And then I spend time with my family in the Barrio and all the pain melts away

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I am afraid that I am constantly wasting time. I wish I didn't have to sleep so I could have more time to get things done. I often feel the weight of my stress falling down on top of me and I just can't ever seem to relax. :/

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I have a tendency to lash out with violence like an animal when i feel attacked , I know its not ok, and I've learned to turn it inward on myself rather than hurt those that hurt me....I just hurt myself more.

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I'm tired and still have a bit to do, i've been procrastinating , not sure why, i want to know that others are on this trip with me, but have no idea, because i can't seem to find anyone.

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I wonder , all too often why no one calls, no one invits, no one seems to care. I'm not a bad person, at least I never really think I am.

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A part of me is so needy, but it feels almost impossible to ask for what I need . I always just assume no one wants to love me , I try and keep my distance because so many times I let my guard down and I open up only to be rejected.

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I missed an opportunity for the perfect place. I've only myself to blame, i hesitated because i wasn't sure i wanted to commit. I knew i was making a mistake, and still i made it. In 2017 I have a few patterns i need to address.

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Processing something. it occurred to me that over half my life i've told myself that i can't let go i shouldn't let go , its not ok to let go in bed. I felt ashamed and embarrassed for making any noise at all. Last night I let myself just be and feel and do , and the aftermath is today i feel  all the negative things. I'm fighting with myself , trying to tell myself it was ok and i don't need to be ashamed .

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Even after we talked and spent the day together exploring the playa together, I still find myself wanting more of him but knowing that it doesn't really work. All the love I got from everywhere but still I want something. Someone, closer, someone I can reach and love that reciprocates. Its not him. I just wish it was. I feel so pathetic.

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But I am. And it feels like it and it looks like it and taste like it and it hurts like it, and no one is here to change it and I feel powerless to find a solution on days like this.

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"And we were...
Dancing like we were fucking and fucking
Like we were Art."
Someday I'll find her and this is how it will be.

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How long has it been? I've another mess on my hands, have i another heart to mend. A marriage ended , a hollow entanglement found by accident. Twice I've let someone in , and twice I've been wrong, twice I've been hurt, twice my pulse raced for that candy perfume they each possessed. I've a habit of finding the ones that can't, the one's that won't, the ones that just don't have the ability nor the interest to be invested in me. I give without conditions, until i find that i love them then all i want is to be loved in return. No matter the cost.

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The rooster woke me early in the morning, the room was hot, on the screen was a shot of a film that had been playing as we slept. There's so much captured in this moment. He's there sleeping, i can smell him on me, I listen to him breath and watch as his chest rises and sinks with each breath. I'm lost in this moment savoring how I feel. Knowing I'll get up before he wakes , pack my belongingings , quietly walk out the door , thru the hall and down the stairs . Knowing I won't be here again and that our friendship is irreparably broken from this moment forward. Knowing how much I'll want to embrace him again but it won't happen. I took this picture and my heart was heavy with love and grief. This was no mistake. I knew the moment I met him years ago. He never had a clue.

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There was another opportunity for us to talk,
The cloud of drugs helped. It's out and its over, there's no more charge in the discomfort of our space together. I feel 15, uncomfortable in that honesty. I feel numb, maybe it was all the drugs, maybe i just can't feel that anymore, i can't tell if i've let it go or just shoved it that far down inside. His 26 to my 6. I feel.......numb.

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" not everyone talks about friends in those words" I was telling her about my friend who is my heart, that person I can be intimate with with no sexual tension. He is my heart. I only wish things were different. I love people for their passion. I have no idea what I love about myself though.

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The message was quite telling.

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Reciprocity: A situation or relationship in which two people or groups agree to do something similar for each other, to allow each other to have the same rights, etc.: a reciprocal arrangement or relationship. ......( that thing that always seems to be missing in my life, in my friendships & relationships) and this needs to change, so its taking so much out of me to shift this in a better direction.

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I thought i was in a safe place and i let my guard down, and for that I was judged and scolded for my behavior. I thought there was so much acceptance here but i found myself in a place where i still need to have my guard up. Along the way i lost a friend. I'm trying to accept that in the end the reality is i may not have made the best choice, and it hurts to feel wrong. Maybe it is me and not them.

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And then I saw her sitting there. I was dreaming wide awake and i saw myself in a chair across the room, and i felt everything all in that moment. closing my eyes tight i wanted her to go away.

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This one i'm not emotionally tied to, but in my head last night i could still see the one that i was tied to. I took out all my pain and aggression out on this one, making up for the experience i never had with him, my voice carried and i let myself be fully expressed. I thought i was ok and that i had let go of him, in my head i'm not ok, it takes so much to let go of something i know is just a piece of fiction that i fed myself. I know the drugs and alcohol are no way to cope with all the disconnect inside. I know the things i need to do. Just not sure i'm ready to be ok.

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I've already created something out of that pain, so why haven't I let go of it.

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It's become a place i no longer feel free to say as i like, perhaps it never truly was. My sentences are brief, the dialogue is vague, cryptic, and as engaging as watching a mailman sort mail. I'm trying to shake this negative narrative out of my mind, trying to connect, trying to give a shit, trying not to feel outside of things . trying not to perpetuate this old dialogue. I missed the weddings, both of them, to honor a commitment. I over extended myself, for that need to be needed. I was indecisive and my decision has led me to feel as though i lack the ability to make decisions in my best interest. Or maybe it was best for me to sit still, and not keep trying to put myself where maybe i don't belong. ( more of that negative bs)

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I still want to die everyday.

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Its my sons 23rd birthday today, I feel awful inside, He feels like a ghost to me, like some figment of my imagination, i'm left wondering if he even exists . There's no conversation, i have no idea what goes on in his world, maybe its more like i feel i don't exist in his world, yet still he occupies space in my head as a memory that as the years go by begin to feel more like a piece of fiction. I miss him, he's out there somewhere, i can call that # but seldom is there a voice on the other side of it. I often think i'd like to start over, find a wife have children again, do things differently, begin all over. This time with purpose , intention, and love. this time with a partner. Not alone. Somehow i always knew he would be this way when he grew up....distant that is. I wonder what i've done wrong though.

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It occurred to me that i talk dirty alot. Beating myself down for not being like something else, always telling myself i'm lacking in something, even in the face of success, i tear myself down reminding myself of all my failures, and losses, going through my laundry list of why i'm not going to TRULY succeed. There is a voice in the back of my head that constantly chatters. I'm ready to set a fucking bear trap for this bitch and dump her in an acid bath

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I'm working, I should be concentrating on work. i'm stuck in my head, and feeling very left alone, wanting to be reassured that i'm loved and that i haven't been abandoned

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I'm on that roller coaster again today. Hesitating to leave a lover that I know is not healthy for me. I'm full of complaints, of all the things he doesn't do, but i keep showing up hoping something changes. I recognize I've an unhealthy pattern of seeking out love from people who i know are not suitable. That validate all the negative thoughts and feels i feed myself. I perpetuate my worst behaviors in this way. I'm not sure how to break this cycle of self abuse. I thought i was doing better, making better choices. Being present and loving to him........ He barely knows i'm there. just like the last one, and the one before that.

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I found someone by accident, he's a familiar experience, a reminder of what i once had. Which should make me run the other way, it seems i haven't learned from my mistake the 1st time, because i'm repeating it over again.

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The thought was in the back of my mind all along, one opportunity missed and another even better turned up. Perhaps i could say the same about people at some point.