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Happiness

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Finding happiness in long distance relationship

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This project was supported by R01HD047564 from the Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health and Human Development. The content is solely the responsibility of the authors and does not necessarily represent the official views of the Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health and Human Development or the National Institutes of Health.

To read this article in Mandarin Chinese, please see the article's Supporting Information on Wiley Online Library ( wileyonlinelibrary.com/journal/famp).

Abstract
en

Using a nationally representative sample (N = 870), the present study compared long‐distance romantic relationships to close‐proximity romantic relationships in terms of relationship quality, commitment, and stability. Individuals in long‐distance relationships generally reported higher levels of relationship quality on a number of relationship quality variables, as well as higher levels of dedication to their relationships and lower levels of feeling trapped (i.e., felt constraint), but were similar to individuals in close‐proximity relationships in terms of perceived and material constraints. Although individuals in long‐distance relationships perceived a lower likelihood of breaking up with their partner at the initial time point, they were as likely as the individuals in close‐proximity relationships to have broken up by the follow‐up assessment.

摘要
zh

本研究使用具有全国代表性的样本(N=870),从关系质量、承诺和稳定性角度将异地恋与近距离恋爱关系进行了对照。异地恋中的个人在许多关系质量变量上通常报告较高水平的关系质量,并报告较高水平的奉献以及较低水平的受困感受(比如感觉受限),但是在理解和物质约束方面同近距离恋爱关系中的个人相似。虽然异地恋中的个人在初期较少认为可能会同恋人分手,但是在后续评估中他们与近距离恋爱关系中个人一样,可能已经跟对方分手。

Resumen
es

Utilizando una muestra representativa del país (N = 870), el presente estudio comparó las relaciones amorosas a larga distancia con las relaciones amorosas a corta distancia en lo referente a la calidad de la relación, el compromiso y la estabilidad. Las personas que tenían una relación amorosa a larga distancia generalmente indicaron niveles más altos de calidad de la relación en numerosas variables de calidad de la relación, así como niveles más altos de dedicación a su relación y niveles más bajos de sensación de atrapamiento (p. ej.: limitación sentida), pero indicaron niveles de limitaciones percibidas y materiales similares a los de las personas que tenían una relación amorosa a corta distancia. Aunque las personas que tenían una relación a larga distancia percibieron menos probabilidades de romper con su pareja en el momento inicial de la evaluación, tuvieron las mismas probabilidades de haberse separado de sus parejas antes de la segunda evaluación que las personas que tenían una relación a corta distancia.

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Relationship Quality, Commitment, and Stability in Long‐Distance Relationships

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This project was supported by R01HD047564 from the Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health and Human Development. The content is solely the responsibility of the authors and does not necessarily represent the official views of the Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health and Human Development or the National Institutes of Health.

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A long distance relationship (or LDR for short) is considered long distance when communication opportunities are restricted because of geographic distance and the partners in the relationship desire a continued, close connection.

Did you know...

25% to 50% of college students are in a LDR at any given time

75% of college students at some point have been in a LDR (Stafford, 2005)

Do Long Distance Relationships Work?

Yes they do!!! But it takes work on both ends of the relationship in order for the relationship to remain intact.

Before the Separation

It is important to determine the rules and terms of the relationship before the separation takes place. Problems can arise if one partner believes that the relationship is casual and open, while the other is making sacrifices and putting effort into a monogamous relationship. To reduce such confusion, engage in open and honest communication about the separation and discuss what each of you wants from the relationship.

Important Traits for LDR Couples

Trust - Trust is essential for both parties in order for a LDR to survive. It's especially important in a long distance relationship because often there is a fear that your partner will end up with another person. Lack of trust can lead to doubt, jealousy, suspicion, and paranoia.

Commitment - It's difficult to put in the effort necessary to make a LDR work without commitment. Temptation to cheat may be too inviting to individuals who are not committed to the relationship.

Independence - It's helpful for both parties to have some independence due to the long period of separation. With long distance relationships, it is difficult to depend on one another for gratification and happiness. Partners who have their own circle of friends and participate in enjoyable hobbies may fare better than couples who are too dependent on each other.

Organization - It's helpful for partners in a LDR to be well organized, so that they can schedule time for the other into their agenda every day.

Pros and Cons to a LDR
Pros

Appreciate the separation in order to focus on school and on each other when together

Freedom and autonomy

Sense of rejuvenation when you see your partner in person

Appreciation for the relationship

Better rested than those in close-proximity relationships

Perform better academically

Cons

Pressure to make sure time spent together is high quality

Pressure to avoid disagreements

When separated again, you feel let down or sad to return to your everyday lifestyle without partner

Sometimes distance creates too much of a gap

Feelings of loneliness heightens need for security

Difficulty maintaining intimacy

Tips for Success

Set up phone dates and take them as serious as physical dates.

Send e-mail and letters.

Call randomly, even if it's only for two minutes, to see how your partner is doing.

Surprise your partner with small, personal, and loving gifts.

Send a personal item that you use frequently that would instantly remind your partner of you.

Keep open communication with partner.

Share your plans for the upcoming week.

Rent the same movie and have a movie date.

Look at the stars together and talk about it over the phone.

Buy the same book and discuss it together.

Mail a note or stuffed animal sprayed with your cologne or perfume.

Send each other a plant to take care of.

Try webcam dates.

Visit your partner (if you can afford it).

Endure the Distance

While it can be sad, frustrating, and depressing at times to miss someone, you'll find that you are able to handle it. Even though you miss your partner, it's normal and healthy to accept the distance and direct your energy to things you can control. You can...

Be active on campus.

Join a club.

Go see a movie in a genre your partner doesn't like much.

Attend social events.

Study.

Make new friends.

Go to a museum.

There are a million things you can do, and the more you do, the more you have to talk about with your partner the next time you talk.

Rules of the Road

The rules between two people in a long-distance relationship need to reflect what both members want and are able to handle. The key is being able to follow through on your promises. If you are in a LDR consider what rules you have already established. What's working? What isn't? What do you want to change? Is there anything you are afraid to tell your partner?

If the rules you agreed upon aren't respected, they won't mean much. If you agreed because you felt pressured or didn't want to lose your partner, you may soon feel resentment.

You should only agree to not seeing other people if both of you are in agreement that this is what you both want in the relationship. Consider these questions:

Do I feel ready to promise that I won't see anyone else?

Do I think it's going to be hard to go to a social event and feel that I'm not allowed to form any other relationships?

Might this cause me to meet other people and go behind my partner's back?

Will I feel resentful or tied down?

This has to do with your own sense of readiness. It isn't fair to either of you to make promises that you can't keep or don't want to, just to keep the relationship.

Tip: Don't hang on to a long-distance relationship just because it's safe and secure.

Secret Tips for Success

These tips will help if you are in a long-distance relationship or a close-proximity relationship:

To stay together, you must remember to play together.

"Why" questions almost always trigger a defensive reaction. Ask real questions to elicit new information, not yes or no answers.

Consider your partner's motives. Ask yourself "Do I truly believe my partner intended to hurt me?" Then discuss the behavior of both people, and work towards acting differently the next time.

Eliminate the words "always, every, never, forever" from your dialogue.

Learn to say "sorry." It's an important part of moving on from an argument.

Talk a lot and often. Communication is key to success!

If you're in a co-ed residence hall on campus, be careful about dating a floor mate.

A Final Word

Long distance relationships are emotionally challenging, but if you can make it, they are also worth it.

Resources

The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run into in College (Harlan Cohen, author)

Maintaining Long-distance and Cross-residential Relationships (Laura Stafford, author)

Tips for Long Distance Relationships

AskMen offers helpful information and advice, including LDRs.

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A long distance relationship (or LDR for short) is considered long distance when communication opportunities are restricted because of geographic distance and the partners in the relationship desire a continued, close connection. Did you know...