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its so funny how i still think about you from time to time. Its as of you never truly left.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qv0nErKqb_I&list=RDGMEM6ijAnFTG9nX1G-kbWBUCJAVMqU9mHegkTc4&index=17

I guess there's a lot of thing's I'll never understand. Like how at certain points in my life I still come back here from time to time. Not to see what has happened in the past but to remind myself that some things can still remain beautiful as they are. Although I know we can't bring back what we had before, I'm just happy to know that what we once had existed, that its even possible at all. The feeling is something I still haven't quite gotten with anyone else. I don't think I ever will. There's all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice, right?

I'm sorry if I was selfish. I still think about you from time to time. I hope you're doing well on the other side of the world with the sun shining down your face, taking one challenge at a time. That you'll have many more adventures with friends and family and nature. I'm sorry for not being able to show up when you came back. Thank you, for everything anyway. This definitely won't be the last time I'd drop by.

If by chance you remember this little place, come say hi.

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The Weeknd - Call Out My Name (Official Video)

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Simple Plan - Jet Lag ft. Natasha Bedingfield (Official Video)

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I dont believe much in anything these days. I dive into deep research to keep myself occupied. I’ve learned how to play the kalimba. Feelings are non-linear. I like mint but i also like brownies in my ice cream. I don’t eat meat anymore. Shouting into the void. I feel like its time.

Lets put this old soul to rest.

Talked to Lune a few days back. Felt strange. She’s doing well. We talked about you and your grace and how you light up every room you walk into. Youre an amazing person.

Don’t you ever forget that.

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Can you take some prescription for it? It sounds like youre lucid but why do I feel like youre not really here? I know this is how it starts. Take care of yourself.

Mermaids scare me I've always seen those hoax figures when I was young of their skeletons not to mention those documentaries that portray them as ugly creatures. The sea in itself scares me. I remember when I was young I went to the seawall in my grandmothers hometown and it was so dark when I reached out my hand it felt like I was becoming one with the darkness.

If I could get lost somewhere I'd choose to be in a mossy forest. I can imagine waking up in a forest that feels as alive as I'll ever be. I wonder if that's what Kafka felt when he braved that night on the shore.

Alcohol is a depressant. I walk 10 miles a day. I started growing an herb garden on the terrace. Maybe this time I could make things grow and care for it until its eventual demise. The sky always seems blue on the other side but I've been watering my grass and it looks greener now.

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I want to sleep more. It's already 4. 5am is coming but I'm still not tired. I binged on clementines, more than a daily intake. It's going to mess my stomach up when I wake up. But at least tomorrow is the weekend. No classes or work. I can just spend my day lounging. Maybe.

Life itself is a mystery. I still heavily believe in reincarnations. I also want to know what's at the bottom of the sea.

I still think mermais exist. Fairies are really cute and I like to think they're real. Or imagine if I am one. What I would look like or wear.
I've binged too much on fantasy movies during my depressive stage. Now I'm into spanish horror.

I also started developing a taste for olives. Still hate wine. It's not yummy.

Songs of the sea animation art style is so pretty. I still think about growing old and wearing a raincoat. Or when the tiny blades of grass move and it makes me happy.

There are only 2 female white rhinos left. Both pretty much unable to carry to term. Which is sad.
Human life is a puddle. I started collecting stones

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Do you ever just see something you’re not supposed to and it sheds light to all the reasons and solutions for your suffering? What a way to end and start the season.

Is it getting bad again? Sleeping like that isn’t sustainable! But also I’m dumb and I don’t know how to comfort you or make you feel better or if you even want that at all. Free space. We shapeless beings are welcome here. We have the opposite problem these days. I sleep more to escape the humdrum of life

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My eye stye is going away. But my insomnia is getting worse by the day. Ehe that rhymed.
No but really I can only sleep at 5 in the morning. Wake up at 8 for classes. Finish at 2. Go to work at 3. Then come home 9. Repeat. My energy feels the same. But maybe it'll hit me like a truckload of health problems later on :(

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I enjoyed this one!

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It's 4 in the morning and I have an eye stye and it hurts so I have a warm compress on it but I just want to sleep

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Hi bum. Its been a while, isn’t it?

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through all that on your own. I wish I could have been there for you. You didn’t have to go through it alone but maybe it all worked out for the better that it happened the way it did. It was a strange time in our lives.

Its a beautiful morning today. I know you’d love to see the way the sun graced the trees. I’ve been going back to nature these days and recovering from perhaps one of the most painful attacks I’ve had of my illness. I’m still rehabilitating myself. Every once in a while I come here when I see something that reminds me of you. Somewhere along December I stopped hoping and just came here...like visiting the graveyard of someone I loved. Instead, I chose to remember the good memories because in the end we’re all memories anyway.

I figured just as much that something along those lines must have happened. I’m happy to hear you’ve been taking the time to be yourself again. You know I could never hate you right? Even if I had all the reasons to...I just couldn’t. The first few months you were gone it still hasn’t sinked into me that you were gone. I wondered if I wasn’t worthy of a measly goodbye but its silly to look at what happened in that tangent now. I knew you better than that. I knew you’d never leave without saying a word. Partly why I kept this place. I tried very hard to control myself and not vomit emotions all over here although I admit, I didn’t do a very good job.

But just like everything else, life flows through its own time.

Its been a tough year for me. After you left it all really went downhill for the lack of a better word. I wasn’t coping too well with the pandemic and everything that happened in my life so far and I turned to all things unsavory. It felt like I was in an eternal limbo unable to find my way out of this never ending pain. It just dragged on like that for the rest of the year. I lost myself. You must have felt that way and more and I’m proud of you for getting through it and coming over to the other side. You have no idea how glad I am that you chose to fight for yourself. Life would never be the same without you. I still treasure you very much.

I moved to a new city to begin again. The last post I made here on December...I was sitting in the middle of my empty living room and looking out the window. It was my first Christmas alone and rain pouring down reminded me of you. It was then that I decided that I had to pull myself together.

Much like you, I started to talk to a therapist to unpack everything and make sense of it all. I’d like to think I’m in a better place now. Sober for 3 months! I haven’t self-harmed for almost a year now too. Its the little things that count, I’ve come to find.

I hope you’re taking care of yourself. Don’t beat yourself up too much. You needed that time for yourself to heal and now I’m taking this time to learn how to live again.

I’m just glad you’re feeling better now. Take care, okay?

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AHH WHAT THE FUCK NOW IM ANGRY AND ASHAMED AT MYSELF AND IT JUST HURTS THAT I HURT YOU

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It's entirely my fault. Nothing I can do or say will ever amount to how much I must've hurt you by leaving.
I'll have to explain myself little by little.
Our time spent together was beautiful. Really a bond that only the two of us could understand, I'm sure you felt it too.
I started to lose myself, and maybe you started to see the signs or not. There were no secrets between us, but my own pride got in the way of telling you about this one.
In those past few weeks leading up to me leaving  I had fallen back into a heavy depression. It was weird. I had never felt it this bad before.
I can't explain how bad this pit of misery was, but it was bad enough that I considered OD and self harm an option. Which is when I knew I needed help.
So I went into therapy again, met with my regular therapist and cut off social media for a while.

By then a few weeks had gone by during our last interaction. And this is where I will say everything till now has been my fault. My fault for being able to reach out to you, but not doing so because at that time, what was the point of talking to anyone?

I had ever ability to send a single message back, and I didn't take it as the time prolonged. Days just kept passing, my anxiety was getting better and I could go out to the grocery store and meet with friends. I didn't feel that bad going to bed much. But the guilt always remained.
I could've sent a message telling you I'm alright, or something along those lines. But I ended up becoming ashamed and embarrassed.

What if you were mad at me? That was my biggest worry. It was something I couldn't add onto my plate right now. By doing so, I had neglected you.
Apologizing profusely will do little to no repair since the damage has already been done.
But taking time for myself is something I don't regret. What I regret is not telling you what was happening in my life and leading you on for far too long.

It makes me a terrible person when I think about it. Why was it so hard for me just to reach out to you?? I left you. And you must've wondered where I went, and now I'm close to rambling because nothing I can do will really fix anything. But I'm sorry. It won't do much of me saying so but I'm sorry to what I put you through.

I hope wherever you are right now in life. That you're sleeping and eating well. I'm ashamed even to be typing this after so long. I'm sorry.

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Merry Christmas. Thank you for everything. You were a source of great comfort during months of distress and uncertainty. Now I mostly come here with the knowledge that perhaps we’ll never talk again. I just wanted to say. You really did make a big impact on me in the best possible way and I wish I had more time with you before the blues came.
It wasn’t an easy year wasn’t it? It was so difficult. But for a few months we found solace in each other. I really do think you helped me with my sanity for a little bit. I’m sorry if I couldn’t do the same for you. Maybe I am romanticizing all of this but its still a beautiful memory. But nothing more than that.

I hope you’re doing well. If you have a moment, don’t forget to take care of yourself. Thank you for the memories. It did keep me warm at night. I know I’ve said goodbye far too many times than I could count and this probably won’t be the last (which sounds really sad honestly) but yes. I hope its been a good end of the year for you.

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I still miss you. Its silly isn’t it? I hope you’re doing alright. I came by because this song came on and I remembered you.

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Toy Story 2 "When She Loved Me" Sarah McLachlan 1999

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Such a cruel thing to do.

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Butthead♡

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I feel abandoned. I know I shouldn't think of it that way but I can't help it. I hope you're in a better place now. Maybe we'll see each other again in the streets of Paris or Tokyo. But until then, I'll have to keep you in my heart. You'll live here for a long long long time. As much as I can hold on to without forgetting. Safely tucked inside. I guess I'll have to live through our memories. I wanted to keep it open but the longer I waited the more desolate I feel. I'd rather think of you leaving to better yourself and leave it at that than think of you leaving me without saying a word.

This life hasn't been brought to waste. My lifetime with you was the best I've ever had. You'll always be in my heart. I love you. I'm sorry for not being the best for you. I wish I could have done more but I did all I can with the best way I know how. That counts for something right?

But for now I have to go. Staying with all the memories we've made without you here is making me sad.

I'll see you on the upside bum.

PS: the cats are warm and well-fed. Atleast they'll accompany me until you return. If you ever do. If not, this has been a beautiful life with you. Know that I wish you all the best things that life can offer because you deserve nothing less. I hope you'll remember me with a happy smile and not the pain and sadness I brought you.

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Its the last day of July and I’ve just been thinking about everything and nothing lately. I can’t believe its already been 8 months since any of this fuckery happened. So much has happened and nothing feels the same anymore even if I did feel like life wasn’t moving. Ofcourse it was. It was me...who felt stuck in this limbo. Anyway, I hope you're having better days than I am. Take care of yourself and drink water!!!!!

- Ro

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I don't know where to put myself these days so I'm just going to stay here. I hope you're doing well and that wherever you are, you're filled with love and comfort. It's been difficult days to difficult ends. It's not the end isn't it? You'll come back right? Everything reminds me of you. It's killing me that I can't do anything for you but pine and long for your return. Every sunset and sunrise. Every walk in the park. Every playtime with the cats. Every meal. Not as fun without you here. I hope you remember me. I miss you so much I sometimes want to retch myself.

Above all, I pray for your safety. I don't know what happened but I hope one day you'll be around to tell me. July isn't the same without you. I love you I love you Iove you. If you ever find the strength to be here again you know where I'll be. Until then, I'll sit here on the ruins.

-Roree

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I know how you recommended this to me a few months back and I wasn't keen but guess what? I am now on Season 3. I wish it didn't have to end so soon. The story is so beautiful and wholesome. You would not believe how many times I cried on the first few episodes. It was just so visceral, I related for a while. I now get why you love it so much. Its a really beautiful show!

With that being said, I hope you don't get into too much trouble. I love you. Forever and a day. I'll be here if you need anything. Until then, don't forget to take care of yourself my Princess Aeri!

- Ro

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Hi butt!

Can you believe its July again? Seems like a long long time ago when we first met. The days have been long and languorous. I'm not as sad as I used to be buttbutt. If I can do it I know you can too. I've been taking Kohee and Milqué out for walks lately. He lost 4 pounds! Slowly but surely I'm sure I can get him fit too. But mostly because it's more like they both take me out on a walk instead of me walking them. Its a win-win situation.

I've been sad for so long I didn't think I'd get to a place where I can drag myself out and enjoy nature. You know I haven't been out anywhere for the last two months. Couldn't drag myself out of bed. Spent days on end in the same bed wearing the same clothes. There were times I contemplated on wearing adult diapers because I simply couldn't be bothered to get up. But we fight through the pain and apathy bumbum. There will be days when we can't see the light. I'll hold your hand through it all as much as you've been there for me all this time. I love and care about you deeply. Take care of yourself okay? Do what you need to do... Even if it just means drinking enough water to get through the day. I love you. Always. Don't you forget that!

-Ro

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days are getting more and more busy as things go back to where we've left off not so long ago. how are you these days? I hope you're doing well and taking the time to breathe and enjoy life. I miss you terribly. You'll know where to find me. Until then, take care princess aeri.

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And so another month has passed since the day we met. Isn't it strange and all kinds of wonderful that we're still around to be able to read this message?

These days I've been thinking about what it means to be present. What it means to not let emotions get the better of you. Sometimes something as simple as breathing is hard. But I'm holding out to the hope that you're still here with me. I love you the same. I love you even much more now. You have no idea how much you've changed my life for the better by just being yourself and spreading kindness and love wherever you go. You're the light at the end of the tunnel and whenever I feel like giving up I remind myself that you're still here. And I'd want nothing more than to grow old with you.

Thank you for spending all this time with me. For being with me when I couldn't even get out of bed. I know there are better days ahead. I can't wait to experience them with you.

There are no words that could describe how I feel about you but for now I love you would have to suffice. Always.

-Roree

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BUTTHEAD!! Oh...wait. butthead can be like buttercup or butter. BUTTERBUTTBUTTCUPHEAD!!!

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Thankful you're my day one.

I love you.

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I've had the worst insomnia over the past day or two. My body won't let me sleep as usual. It's functioning fine, despite being tired from time to time.
My concentration levels have gone a bit down, so I'll try to sleep after I finish typing this.

Anywho. I hope you're doing well today, or at least a little bit better. Life catches up and sometimes we feel stressed with the new normal, or falling back into routine, and that's how life is. Your life is definitely much more stressful than mine at the moment. And I'm sorry to hear that you haven't been well over the past weeks.
You need time to yourself, I understand that. Despite me being an annoying ass.

If you ever need a long break away, just let me know.

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Hey butthead. Just 17 more days till half a year

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Maybe you passed out, but I'm here to say that I'm off to bed soon, and that you are my big baby and will always be. MY. BIG. BABY!!!!!

I LOVE YOU!!!! And please take better care of yourself!! Okay? I love you forever and a day❤

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🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦🥦
Oh to be a broccoli in a field of Aeri.

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What can I say, another moth has passed for the  both of us.
I understand your concern of how you seem lacking to yourself these days, and worry that I might grow tiresome of you. But fear not!! I am not that type of person just to walk away when the other is struggling.
I always tell you;
I'm always going to be here. I'm not going anywhere.
And life can't always be happy or fun, then that would be boring.
But I like being with you, even when you have your down moments - although it would be best if you don't feel down, I get worried.

But you work through things together. Patience is virtue. And I'm going to wait for the day where you can smile freely and happily. And you'll get through this adaptation phase soon enough. And I'll be here to support you every step of the way❤

It doesn't matter if you seem like you're lacking or feel like your presence isn't enough. I'm not the type of person who needs attention 25/8. And I know how hard it must be for you to be going through your current dilemmas. But it'll be alright butthead, even a good morning from you is enough to satisfy my day☺️

If you want to know what I do when you're busy. I go outside and just sit there. Or I get lost into thought. ORRRR I COOK!!! I love food. You know that.

I had a really bad dream last night. I woke up extremely worried.
I dreamt that one day would be our last. That you couldn't take it anymore with all the stress and etc, and ended up taking your l**e.
In the dream, I woke up the next day. Wondering where you went. Days turned into weeks. And even a month. And I got so worried. I patiently waited, not even aware of the news.

So. That's why I like to say goodnight to you everytime you go to bed. Even though I've been walking up late recently :(
Call me a worrywart, but you're important to me. I don't want that dream to come true. One day being our last, without even getting to say I Love You's.

On a lighter note. WE MADE IT TO 5 MONTHS!!! ARGGGGGGHHH!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU TO THE END OF MY EXISTENCE!!!!!

I also take payments on kisses, please and thank you❤

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This started 3 months ago. Can you believe it? I can't.

I don't have much to say for the 100th entry. But I hope you take better care of yourself, and come back to me when the time feels right. If you feel like the time will never be right for a long long time. That's alright, I'm always going to be here and available to you, even if you disappear for a while.

For now. Just focus on yourself, and all will be well with time, okay?

Love you♡.

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Hey butthead.

If you love me, give me a broccoli 🥦

If you love me but get annoyed at me, give me a parrot 🦜

If you no love me, give me a black moon 🌑

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You know sometimes when you observe the way that things in your life have played out, and realise that there was one key element that helped orchestrate it all? I do. And that was feeling was trust in myself. I cannot understate the importance of trusting your intuition and your judgement. In the past I’ve embattled so much self doubt due to feeling insanely powerless and deprived of freedom for most of my life. These feelings made me lack faith in my future plans or goals, and have major doubts about the decisions I was making - it felt like everyone around me was insisting I’d suffer major consequences for the decisions I knew were best for me.

A year on, I look at my life so far and the enormous different decisions I’ve made in the last 6 months, and I see that I was taking many risks - which is why everyone tried to warn me I would suffer as a consequence of my actions. But I trusted myself, utilised my intuition and own rationality and concluded that above all else, I knew myself better than anyone else did. And that’s what you need to remember. The radical, transformative power in believing that I was smart enough to make my own big choices even if they were risky, changed my life and confidence forever. For the better! I look back and sigh in relief, so happy that regardless of how much I lacked confidence or experience, I trusted myself enough to know everything would work out in the end. And guess what? It always will. If you have unwavering faith and self-belief, take calculated risks, trust in your ability to always do what’s best for you, and just BELIEVE in yourself, you really will end up with the things you truly deeply want! You can change your whole life simply by trusting yourself. So stop the negative self talk, stop thinking you’re too young or dumb or unattractive or inexperienced to enact a plan that’ll lead to something you deeply want or need. Trust yourself and soon nobody will doubt your ability to do anything.

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5/20/2020

You're probably sleeping by now (if not, you really should!) The past few weeks have been riddled with our messy sleeping schedules and messages telling each other to sleep.

I know I haven't been my best self lately and you can sense that with my replies and my presence or lack thereof. These are crazy times. I feel stuck in a world that continues moving. I guess its the fact of living in a 'new normal' world when I never really knew what normal was. I know its no fun being with someone like me these days. Thank you for being there and for being patient. Being uprooted from everything I thought I believed in and placed into a completely different environment is making me grasp for things to anchor me with. My mind needs to slow down so it can catch up. A period of restoration begins, I have to honor it.

And so...another month has passed and its our 5th anniversary again. It makes my heart flutter still. Its crazy how my feelings have only grown more and more as time passes. Being able to meet you and have the honor of loving you has been my life's blessing. Its almost half of the year...I wonder where we'll be by the end of this hell of a rollercoaster year?

I hope we've grown as people inching closer to our goals no matter how far. I hope we never stop working towards our goals. To never stop being there for each other. To never stop loving each other.

To more months and years of dumb adventures and cute furry creatures. I love you dumdum. My one only farm boi. Light of my life, fire in my loins. My sin. My love.

S-A-E-R-I-N. 😜

PS: I have work tomorrow so I might be patchy but I'll bring ice cream! Have a good day love.

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Hey you big butt. I hope you're doing well. I accidentally slept past my alarm and it's already near lunch. I know I know, I shouldn't have stayed up late last night, but what's done is done.
I'm going to go and shower now.

I love you so so sooooo much!!💕 I hope you're sleeping right now. Have sweet dreams.

Never forget. I'm always going to be here for you❤❤❤

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Cockity, KoKopuff and Milko are growing bigger each day. Soon enough, they'll be able to run around. For now, their little pot bellies are touching the ground as they walk. Absolutely adorable. They're my little balls of comfort when you're away❤

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Remember, you will always be my precious honeysuckle. And this is a reminder to you.

When you start to feel lost, as if you feel like you're staying further from yourself. Do not fret. For you might discover something new about yourself despite what you already know.

But, besides that. Never hesistate to tell me that you need time for yourself. You are important and the most important. Sometimes that feeling starts to eat us up and we feel dull, or worse, we start to fall into this pit where we just become confused with our own self. I too have gone through it. I cried about it often.

You come first, you know yourself best. And you never have to worry about if you're taking too long. Besides, I'm always going to be here to support and wait for you. And take as much time as you need. I'm always here. For you, and waiting for you. You're my special baby buttercup, and you're so important to me.

I have nowhere else to go, but to be with you❤

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Sorry I'm patchy these days. I'm just taking the time to feel like myself again.

I love you always. Take care and stay safe my love.

-R

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Recently, I don't quite know when or how, I felt my love for you deepen. It's visceral; the kind of love you feel in the pit of your chest. I feel it most in your embrace, or when you are in mine. In those moments, I think about how nice it would be if I never had to leave your warmth. I am a difficult person to be with and I don't have much to offer you. But my my words, my thoughts, my love --they are yours.

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My favorite goodnight song.

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I miss you terribly these days and I find myself more and more unable to express it.

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You're my pudgy baby. My little pudgy baby boy☺️

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This is how I feel, when you get frustrated and scold me for being too bratty and I start to feel bad immediately after.

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A surprise came in early today, and I can't wait to celebrate it with you.
Our little baby had 3 little ones of her own.
We're grandparents, can you believe it??!?!?!?@?@?@?@?

They're all so tiny, a little pudgy, but still as cute as ever. I made sure Kohee was there at the beginning. He would grimace at the sight, and eventually became a stress to Milqué, so I kept him out of the room.

When I think about babies, I like to think of what life would be like if we had our own. I'm not opposed to having children, they're just not something that I'm so sure I'd want to have.
But I always imagine what it would be like. To hold a tiny little newborn us.
Their skin all plump and fresh for nipping. How tiny their fingers would be.
I know you don't like babies, which is really funny to me.

I love babies. And with you as my big baby. I love you the most❤

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What really happened to Milqué and Kohee

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What really happened to Milqué and Kohee

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0:15 seconds in

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Soon enough we're approaching another month spent together. Can you believe it? I still can't.
I know I haven't been expressing my emotions as well as I used to. But never doubt my love for you.
You're the only man I'll ever love in this life.

I might not have many things to reference my emotions off of, but I have my own words

I love you.
I always have and I always will.
From the moment I met you, I realized that this guy is more special than those that I've met. I didn't understand what the hell it was about you that made me feel this way. But as days passed by, we got to know each other even more. I eventually became smitten with you.
I'm always going to bring it up with every month. Of me asking you out first, you said it was too soon. Eventually, you asked me out and I was overjoyed.
I couldn't explain the series of emotions you've
given me through all this time.
But they're ones that I'm always going to cherish. And I love you for giving me a chance in this life.

I fear, so badly. You're going to get up one day and leave. Either that or kick me out. Or maybe disappear.
But even if you did. I'd be here, waiting. Waiting until you no longer want me to.
Even as the seasons change, I can only hope that you're doing alright. And your little aeri will always be waiting for you wherever you go.

When you're asleep, besides wanting to plug your nose at night, I can't help but to be grateful to have spent another day with you. Only the moon and sun know my prayers about you. You're my little star droplet that crossed my path. A wish that came true after all this time.
If you weren't here with me, I wouldn't know where my life would be. You've been able to show me a new perspective on life itself by being you.

I wanted to thank you, for loving me. And I'll always love you back. No matter what life may have planned for us. But for now, I want to enjoy my life, with you.

I love you my big baby💓

- Aeri your dumpling princess

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Every morning I stand by the window and look up at the clouds and the tears just come. Every evening, I watch the moon rise and Venus twinkle and the tears are there.
I listen to chants and Alan Watts so much these days, I can hear them echoing in my mind while I watch the sky...and every single time there is only one thought that emerges.
Thank God.
For life, for beauty, for this perfect design, for the ability to witness and recognize the perfection, for the humility to see it in all its grandeur without somehow inserting myself into it.
I am, at my core, very comfortable being a grain of sand in a vast, boundless ocean. I am liberated by it.
For this design is so undeniably perfect that even a grain of sand can see it.
There are many times in our lives when we wish to be more, to take control, to dominate the situation, person, relationships... as if you could move Venus...change the shape of a cloud...or even change your own heart.
Surrender, as a concept, scares the ego. And most people live only through this aspect of their personality. They're walking projections of an energy that believes the stars and skies bend to him/her.
Not only is this presumptuous and disrespectful...it's also counterproductive and damaging.
To be aligned with the grand design is bliss, to defy it invites karma in to correct your course. Its really that simple...if you want it to be.

Today, the stars square each other and we must wait until they're done...that doesnt have to be sad. It can just easily liberate you from a life of servitude. You see, its not in the submission to the Almighty that you become oppressed, it's when you choose to serve your ego...a brutal, dispassionate Master. One who will hurt and take whatever, whenever to fulfill a momentary need for power.

There are only two roads. You choose, wisely.

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You still need to marry me sir

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HELLLO THERE MY BIG BABY BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a reminder that I will always love you, and that you are a big baby yourself. And if something happens to either one of us, we're fucked a bit.

Don't get sick. Take better care of yourself. Eat well and have good meals!!! I lub you!!!💖

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There's something about today's sunny skies that makes me feel gloomy.

Is this how it would feel like if you suddenly disappear? Will I be like this constantly? It hasn't even been a day and I already miss you terribly to the point of tears. How fragile everything is.

I'll save you a seat wherever I go. When you're not where I am, I'll save some for you.

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I am allergic to dust. I've had asthma for as long as I could remember when I was a child but as I grew older it disappeared just as suddenly as it appeared.

I like chocolate milkshakes. It reminds me of home. Guava shake. Durian shake. Also because I had a Twin Peaks phase and who doesn't love a damn good cup of coffee?

I double majored English Literature and Language. But obviously, death work called upon me.

I like running.

I dont like artificial scents. Air fresheners give me migraines. I dont wear cologne or perfume. I can handle natural scents however.

I like handwritten letters. I send out letters to non-existing addresses from time to time.

I'll add a few more when I can think of other things I like and dont like 🌹

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You changed the colour☺️

This is also the 71st entry in our padlet!

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[ IN ]

1.  Hazelnut Chocolates

2. No bra to bed

3. My love for cats

4. Pine tree smell

[ OUT ]

1. Gummies

2. Orange/apple/vanilla/banana scented fresheners

3. ...

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I'm stuck between wanting to eat, or wanting to sleep

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April 30, 2020

I panicked for a second thinking I forgot but then I realised it was still 1 am and I'm a probably a day ahead but I'd like to greet a happy 100 days with you. Can you believe it? 100 days of talking to each other. It felt like yesterday and time moves too quickly. Sometimes I wish it would pass by slower so that I wouldn't have to feel like I'm constantly running through days. Days pass like running water and I'm afraid I would forget all the important things that happened between us. I want to remember everything but I know that's not possible so I'm writing this here.

I never thought I'd be able to spend something as mundane but remarkable as this. All the things I thought wasn't possible for me, things I thought I didn't deserve...you came and proved to me that I am worthy of the things I didn't thought I was capable of...

"I have possessed that heart, that noble soul, in whose presence I seemed to be more than I really was, because I was all that could be." -  Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Thank you for spending a 100 days with me. Whenever I'm with you I seem to be more than I really am, because I am all that I could be. Okay, cheesiness ends here. Back to normal programming.

You better be sleeping or eating.

I love you.

-Ro

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To listen to when you're doing something else.

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Don't ever forget. If you ever need someone. I'm always going to be right here.

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A few compilation of oddities and internet gems.

http://personalmessageblog.blogspot.com/2020/02/personal-messages-vol-2-second-printing.html

https://www.yhchang.com/

https://www.yhchang.com/ART_IS_A_LIE_THAT_JUST_WONT_DIE_V.html

http://stars.chromeexperiments.com/

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I've been feeling down all over again. Just when I overthink and get consumed with my thoughts.
My ex tried to talk to me a few days ago. I didn't want to bring it up to you because it was irrelevant. I blocked him from ever trying to get into contact with me. I don't need that negative past to come into my content life with you.
Maybe I'll move accounts or something.

I'm about to sleep, maybe. But I love you.

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THE DAY YOU GET TIRED OR FIND THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE, YOU NEED TO TELL ME SO THEN WE CAN PART WAYS ON A MUTUAL AGREEMENT.

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It's your birthday! It's your birthday!! It's my special someone's birthday!!! Happy birthday you big baby boy!!

I'm happy to be able to spend your birthday with you. Although mine is 7 months down the line, I'm glad to be around for you!! And I pray for many more birthdays to come!!

I love you I love you I love you!!! I love you my handsome boy. My handsome baby boy.
Hopefully you can loosen up a bit today, and you can get all the kisses you want!!

I love you so much!!! And I'm so proud of you for even doing the smallest things, to tiring yourself out with work, and forcing yourself to get up and move around.
I hope that you'll become less sick, and have more fun in the future, hopefully with me by your side.

Once again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY🎂🎊🎈🙆🏻‍♀️🎉🎁

Don't you EVER forget, that I love you. Only you. And always you.

Have a blessed day baby❤

- Aeri, your princess

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Has it really been 100 days? I still can't believe it. I remember when we first started talking, you said you weren't into doing things like 100 day anniversaries. But look at you now!!😂

I'm keeping this simple and short, mainly because I'm sleepy and I can pass put right now.
But I'm glad to have spent all these days leading up till now, with you.

I'm anxious to see what the future has in store older us. Till then;

Your baby 💓

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You're my sunday girl. Sleepless girl.

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Sleeping At Last - "Two" (Official Lyric Video)

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I hope I won't live to see that day.

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The song I'd play when you finally decided that you'd have enough and one day leave:

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A lot of people say that the meaning of the word 'I love you', dies down after being said so many times.

But every single time I've said it, I mean it with the genuine intention and adoration, mixed with the affection and desire I have for you.

I will never say 'I love you', halfheartedly. And never take these 3 words lightly.

I mean it. I love you.

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Neglect is too big of a word baby. This place exists for us by us.
Its a great place to dump all the things we like.

Its true, its cuffing season isnt it? As for us, we've always preferred to do things in private. We dont need an audience to validate our love for each other because we know it for ourselves. Only we can judge and only we know the immensity of love we feel for each other. I don't feel the need to have an whole fiesta over it although that would be fun for shits and giggles. What would you feel if I made a tarp with a collage of both of us in it and under it would say 'Happy 6 monthsary'. I'd fucking cry from laughing. I do like baby talking sometimes, it's fun making you cringe!

Public displays of affection makes me uncomfortable but I have no problem being the cheesiest hunk of cheese in private. For your senses only! I never thought we'd reach this far. I was so used to people coming into my life and leaving.

There are no words to describe how happy I am that I met you at this time and age. You are important to me. You make me a better person just by loving me. What a blessing :>

I love you bumhead. Sleep earlier!

-Roro

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upstream, mary oliver

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You're important to me. You make me happy.
You are the perfect blend of everything I could ever want. And you're mine☺️

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I hope you're resting well, love.
It's quite early, but I feel really tired and sleepy, which is weird. I should take the opportunity to sleep and hopefully fix my sleeping schedule, but I don't really want to. I'm currently watching the disney movie 'brave'. Bitch, never fails to make me cry.
I'm a complete baby for sad sentimental things.

Don't forget to drink your water and eat your meals regularly.
I love you❤

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Lately I've been seeing so many gushing couple posts on my tl. And it's cute, for them. I think we would cringe if we were like that. Plus, we're not exactly like that either. Of course, we're loving, but, if one day you suddenly baby talk to me, I think I would not know what to fuck to do. I'd stand there like a beanpole😂

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I've neglected this space for a bit. But I have something to say now.

I love you.

Always will, and I truly do.
Our dynamic might be called odd from other people's perspective, but I like it.
It's like our own love language that you learn and develop overtime.

I know that I seem a little bit down right now, but you know me. Being restricted from my usual active and exploring lifestyle has taken a heavy toll on me.
But I'm trying each day to keep me occupied.

And I hope I can be someone you can depend and lean on when you're having a tough time.
You know you can always tell me anything that you want. No judgement, nothing to make you upset.
And you are always able to spend a day for your own self, I don't mind.

We also need to fix up our sleeping schedules a bit. I just ate a while ago, and had a popsicle after. It was delicious.

Anyways, I love you. I love you my baby❤

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You in my boobie

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If you look at it long enough, the B's start to look like boobies

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If you look at it long enough, the B's start to look like boobies

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(Edit 4/28/2020 : I think I was not in the right state of mind here. I don't see the boobies anymore:( )

BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY

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Today marks the the 4th month since the first time we met each other. I know we're always looking back to the time when we first met. If anyone ever asked us how we met I think it would be a very interesting story. And now, ever since that beautiful day since we met its nothing short of beautiful. Every moment, every experience, every pain, every laughter...it all comes alive and it all comes to fade into a vivid beautiful picture of how we've come to know and love each other. Looking back, I've never loved anyone as deep and as meaningful as you...

You came in like a shooting star wrecking havoc over everything I've come to know and believe in this lifetime and who would have known it would be such a beautiful journey? It still is and always will be an ongoing process of experiencing and learning about lief together.

You bring so much wisdom, so much color and so much joy to my life. So cheers to a blissful four months. Its silly. I never used to make a big deal out of monthsaries or even 100 days but its I want to remember how we were when we first met...and how far we've come since then.

There are days I'd combust out of sheer love and affection for you. Perhaps, this morning is one of those days too.

I love you Saerin. My little raesin. My sin, my soul, S-A-E-R-I-N.

I now declare today as National Farm Day!

PS: I love you.

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THE WAY HE KISSED HER KNUCKLES AND GOT OUT OF THE CARRIAGE THINGY TO GIVE HER ONE LAST KISS. UGH

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Anne With An E 3x10 - Gilbert And Anne Kiss Full Scene (All Kisses)

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Sometimes our days string together in an endless row, one indistinguishable from the next. Usually, this is because we don't feel so good.

Now, we face a time in which seemingly depressive behavior has become everyday life. When else have not left the house for days on end? Watched every series on Netlfix? Eaten our emotions and the entire contents of our fridge?

Even if you haven't been down, it's hard to engage in behavior normally associated with depression without feeling it creep up on you.

So what do we do? Well, as bleak as it may seem to suggest it...have you seen the Denzel Washington movie, The Hurricane?

A falsely accused boxer goes to federal prison for murder...while inside he realizes that although his body is imprisoned, his mind is free. As long as he maintains a routine (in his case the opposite of everyone around him) he retains his freedom.

I'm wondering if we should be doing the same?I know its scary when people say, "It'll never go back to the way it was..." it's even more frightening when they proclaim, "You need to be doing something with this time.."

As if bearing the weight of a global pandemic, stuck inside (most of us, by ourselves)isn't hard enough...So I'm not going to be dismissive or insensitive and suggest anything like that...maybe instead... make a little routine where one thing is different everyday...so you can distinguish between the days.

Meditating? Switch up the music. Working out? Switch up the sets. Working?Make a schedule and take your normal breaks and lunch times so they don't work you to the bone. Consumed with social media...give yourself a dopamine detox.

What I'm suggesting is that we do something a little different everyday so we retain a semblance of control over our schedules and therefore our lives.

Sure, eating out of the carton in your pj's is fun...but doing it everyday will quickly turn into that Simpson's episode where it's New Year's Eve every night and the people are losing their minds.

Let's snap back, collectively.

Especially before fixed Earth sets in...we still have time. 🧡 In fact, we have all the time in the world.

I love you.

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PS I love you.

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I'm thinking about you again..

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Quarantine life doesn't seem so bad today. Even if we can't go places, at least we can go outside. A small bit of freedom.

I would like to do the activities I used to before this lockdown. But, now it's been limited to several options.
I'm trying to make each day different in it's own little way. Recently I've been taking up drawing again just for the heck of it.
I'm also watching the entire Anne with an E series on Netflix again.
You should watch it. It's wholesome, and fleeting, and the literacy in it is beyond satisfactory in it's own little magical way.
But I'm not entirely sure if it's your style of film, maybe not, but if you ever want a little escape and appreciate life, I really reccomend it.

I know the days seems to be getting longer, and all we do is just laze around. Some have said that they've hit rock bottom. And I mean, if this is 'rock bottom', then the only way to go is up.

I'll try sleeping earlier, but I'm a clingy little shit that loves you.
AND I want you to get up more often and move around despite your gout! You need the exercise too or you'll become like Kohee!! But I wouldn't mind using you as my personal pillow.

You're about to wake in a bit, so, good morning my love❤

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I get what you mean. These days I just want to sit and stare at the wall until its time to go to bed again. I've been suffering from it lately and it makes me mad.. That sometimes I have no control of my life. With the outside world in chaos and my inability to put pieces of myself back together to function correctly. I  don't feel like myself these days love so I apologize for not being there for you all the time. I love you terribly. And when I'm not with you it makes things worse but at the same time I don;t want you to see how I am when I'm all spaced out and blank. I'd be there physically but my mind is elsewhere. I call it the blues as most people do. Being sick at this pandemic is the worst thing I could ever think of but its true what they say. The next wave of illness after this pandemic is one that is of a mental nature.

I'm staring at the tree outside my window and its bearing apples again. Sometimes it feels like my window is a mere picture frame, a representation of the world I can't go out to.

I guess we both need to go and lay in the warm grass under the sun huh?

I love you. Always. Please stay safe. You can always tell me whatever it is that worries you and I'll do the same.

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David Lynch & Lykke Li - I'm Waiting Here

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I don't what it is as of lately. But I've been contemplating too deeply about life these days that it makes me sad. I'm looking back at all of my regrets, and how I wish I could redo them again.
Like how I chickened out of going on a rowboat because I was scared of the amount of people in it and that it would tip, so I went in a kayak after them instead. But I kind of wish I went on that boat.

Or the time that I didn't go on a rollercoaster, but I knew I'd throw up, but it would make memories for sure.
Or all the times I should've stood up for myself and talked back.

I'm not asking to rewind time, but I've been down as of recently. Am I satisfied with my life? No, not yet, and I shouldn't be peaking at this time of life either. Life is still throwing curve balls at me. But, I hope I'll feel happy soon.

I'm sorry you have to put up with such a depressed state of me, love. I don't want to make you sad as well by being around you with my complaints. So I'm going to sit here and chill out.

❤

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Current family dilemma: if our cats committed incest

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You said you feel like you're getting more sick, and I can't help but worry some more.
You're busy, I understand that, plus you need your well deserved rest after a hard day!! But when you get sick, I feel down. Not because of the lack of attention. But because I care for your health and it makes me worried.

When you're sick, you're always on my mind. With how bad your symptoms are, if you're eating well, or if your body is too weak.
I guess I'm a bit of a worrywart when it comes to you, but I can't help myself. I love you.
And I care about your health physically and mentally.

Please, get better soon. I'll pray for you.
But most importantly, don't stress yourself out too much, alright love? Take as many breaks as you can, focus on yourself, keep up with fluids and your sleep, something I should be doing😋

Anyways. I'll see you in a bit.
I love you. Forever and a day💓

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Today was quiet, but peaceful.
There have been news of people taking their own lives with being stuck in this quarantine.

I don't think I could do that. Despite being cooped up, to take my own life would be a waste to me. There are so many things left that I want to do, and do with you.
All the memories I'd miss out on.

It's sad to think that it has led to people taking their own life, but what can we do? What would you do?

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Hi baby!

Looks like you've been filling this up hmm? But what did read that youre feeling sad?

Well, I;m not going to tell you to not be sad because its not healthy to stop our emotions but know that I'm always here. We can be alone...together. I'll be like a good plant or a warm hand to hold when you feel like you're sinking into the abyss. Don't go to the dark so quickly.

Let's go get you some noodles and sausages hmm?

I love you. Always. Never forget.

- Roaree

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I don't know what is is about today, I just feel sad.
Even thought you're someone who lights me up and brings a smile to my face.
I feel sad beyond the point of reaching out for your happiness.

You know me. I'm usually energetic and quite happy most of the time. I'm guessing, the sad emotion starts to build up, and then when it bursts, I had bad days like this.
I think I just need to let out a good cry to feel a bit better.

I also want noodles right now.

Don't worry about me, love. I'll be better soon.

I love you❤