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His eyes. His beautiful, sad, brown eyes that stared into my broken face.
I am proud of this sentence because it is very descriptive and shows how much pain she is feeling. This creates sympathy for the reader and makes the curious for they want to know why she is so upset

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sunshine,lollypops and wainbows

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The poor man beliving he could out run alpha; he must have been joking.

I think this is effective because it shows the power of alpha and that the dog could out run anyone.

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Peanuttttttt Butterrrrrr

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The poor man beliving he could out run alpha; he must be mental.

I used this because

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He was dead. The one person I loved was gone.

I think this is effective because it starts at the beginning and shows how it happened.

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hello ie it me your looking for skeerat ta tat

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It was the only way...

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mooo

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I am only seventeen and i have been ordered to assasinate the german leader; Arnold Spasticken who is known by the other german leaders as Big Shaq.

I think this is good because the semi colon tells us more about what is happening.

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He was never afraid of dying unlike us. Emphasises my character and how brave he is.

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I like this piece of writing becuase I think I have used different uses of adjectives.

It all ended.My life.My love.My everything. I have nothing.

He is still there, at the back of my mind, it’s, it’s like I can almost hear him, but I can’t see him.

My ears dropped and so did my tears.A dark shadow loomed in my soul.Nobody could even see my hurt.I felt alone.He was my only friend, my only everything.My only owner

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I can feel my heart dropping to the ground and shattering into millions of pieces.
I like my use of description to describe how the character is feeling.

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Just then i heard a rustle in the leaves and a metal ball landed next to me. It looked fun to play with but i was wrong seconds later something clicked and that was it.... they had found me.

This is good because it creates a emotianal image

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Liked my use of repetition of “ he was dead”. This helped to build up a sense of tension

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My mission had just started......
This is good because it gives tension and it is a good use of ellipses also it draws in the reader as it starts on a cliffhanger and it also draws them in because they want to find out what the mission is and why he went on it.

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It had writing on in black ink on the top; i couldnt read it.

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Alice-I am proud of the range of sentence lengths

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Alice-I am proud of the range of sentence lengths

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Zander This was a good part of my quick story I like the discription:I hesitantly glanced towards the jumbo cloud that filled the beaming blue sky. My heart sank, all those innocent lives, vanished. I saw the blast quite a time before I heard it, perhaps 10 seconds after. At least I was an sufficient distance away from the blast, but even so, I started to run. Thousands of deaths. Innocent lives. These two phrases ran through my mind, almost as fast as I was running. My vision was a blur; I couldn't concentrate on moving my body properly.

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Zander This was a good part of my quick story I like the discription:I hesitantly glanced towards the jumbo cloud that filled the beaming blue sky. My heart sank, all those innocent lives, vanished. I saw the blast quite a time before I heard it, perhaps 10 seconds after. At least I was an sufficient distance away from the blast, but even so, I started to run. Thousands of deaths. Innocent lives. These two phrases ran through my mind, almost as fast as I was running. My vision was a blur; I couldn't concentrate on moving my body properly.

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Brad was the first to go. In a bolt of panic he sprinted for cover, oblivious to the soggy wet soldier who shot him twice in the back the force jolting his body forward.

I have used a wide range of discription to add emotion and effect

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I lied my use of narrative and my short and long sentence to create affect
"Shh" hissed his wife

This gives description of how she spoke giving them a realistic feel

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Trucks were pushing past us on the dusty lanes ; luckily i had my hero by my side.
( the dogs hero is its owner ) this is showing that he is scared but the soldier has protected him before so he will now.

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I howled but I felt like nothing could hear me and then my owner said to me go. go and stay safe and here is my hat it will protect you...
I'm proud of this it brings out the tension and suspense and leaves it on a cliff hanger. What is going to happen next?

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I use a variety of setence lengths, this particular example had repetition;
That he didn't have to live without me. That he didn't have to suffer. That we would be soon reunited once again.

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I whimpered - I dared not leave his side even though he could no longer defend me, his cap lay by his cold, pale face, I picked it up and held it. Exhausted I lay down, ignoring the pain that suddenly struck my side.

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I used a veriety of sentences...it was over= simple

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Devastation, hunger, fear tore us apart from within. Starvation fed their minds with anger as the captain’s plan/idea was short lived.

This is effective as it uses descriptive words to create an atmosphere and makes the reader interested in how this links to the story.

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I used a range of sentence types. It helped to build up the tension in the writing.

I was walking down the path. I could see something in the distance. What was it? I started walking at a faster pace. As I got closer, I could see that it was a small brown and black furred animal. I

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I like my use of my similie:

Living this life is like hell on earth...

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he grinned a warm welcoming smile. MY TING

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I like my use of short sentences to create suspense and tension. “I was walking. Just walking. I could smell the pungent air. I could feel the hot gravel underneath my feet. It was gone. Everything. Everyone.”

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I am proud of my variety of sentences. For example, I used short sentences for tension and longer for description and to evoke emotion.

Almost sure a blood thirsty creature would lurk at my feet. I almost laughed. It seemed stupid.

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My dog was like a everlasting gobstopper, never tired and always happy. This is effective because it compares something to something else.

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I am proud with my use of a semi colon.
I pulled at the barbed wire frantically; it wouldn’t break.

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Without anything but 5 bottles of water and 5 cans of soup, we were stranded in the middle of this unknown forest.

I used this complex sentence to add effect to what has happened and it shows the background of what has happened

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I am proud of how i improved use of semi colons in my writing. This creates tension and makes my writing more fluent.
"It wasn't darkness this time; it was a pack"
This shows how they do not come across wolf packs in their normal missions and creates tension as the reader wants to find out what happens next.

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Post something excellent from your writing and explain why it's effective.