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If I read this will I become doctor

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Everybody watch call me baby by exo k

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l2 read u plebs

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Anqi pls :(

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pls halp

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Yes

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Anqi will you go to Medball with me? Sean xoxo

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Anqi will you go to Medball with me? Sean xoxo

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Beautiful piece of quality work. Only for the educated

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Campbelltown city is considered a disadvantaged local government area. It has a score of 954.5 on the Socio-Economic Indexes for Areas (SEIFA), placing it below the national average at 36th percentile and at 30th percentile within New South Wales. SEIFA is derived from a range of Australian Census characteristics, such as income, educational attainment, type of occupation and unemployment, that measures the relative level of socioeconomic disadvantage. Furthermore, a recent NSW government report predicts that demand for health care will grow by 50% in the next 20 years due to the ageing population and lifestyle diseases.  These factors put a heavy strain on demand for health care in NSW.

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How are we supposed to know how to reorganise this paragraph when we don't know what point it's trying to make? I can draw my own conclusions from the data given, sure, but I have no idea what conclusions they were aiming for.

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Start with a broader explanation about NSW then narrow down into facts about Ctown and where it sits in relation to the rest of the state

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- What SEIFA is and its ranking criteria

- How Campbelltown ranks

- And why it ranks in that position

- How this is relevant to healthcare

- Compare this to rest of Australia

- What this means for the future/what needs to be done

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- healthcare in Campbelltown

- future of healthcare in Campbelltown

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Disadvantaged area

Issues: Income, educational attainment, type of occupation & unemployment

Ageing population, lifestyle diseases = demand for health care

Talk about the above topics in a bit more depth

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10/10 would med again

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10

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Topic sentence

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not baaaad just not very good either

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Sorry to hear

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- what socioeconomic index is (not sure if this is the main topic)

- where Campbelltown is in relation to NSW

- evidence to support it

- maybe future projections

- why is this a problem

- what could be done

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Sentences are wayyyyyy too long

Needs to break it up no one likes too much information

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Too many numbers

too many stats

no justification for the stats

not baaaaaad but it is problematic isn't it?

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Needs to explain the statistics and use them to make an argument

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There are too many statistics and this results in the significance of the statistics being decreased.

The topic sentence is too specific and is not a great overall summary of the information provided in the paragraph. The last sentence would be more appropriate for the topic sentence.

Contribution on point. (p.s I luv Brazil)

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I thought it was good

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Too many facts - not explained

The main point is at the end of the paragraph rather than at the beginning

Facts are not linked --> no logical progression of ideas

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- No topic sentence or conclusion

- Talks first about Campbelltown then moves out to Australia

- Good spelling

- Too many facts, without elaboration

- Two ideas in the paragraph, should focus on one idea per paragraph

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Too many numbers

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Opening line is too long

Too many stats

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Too many discrete ideas

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Needs to relate the NSW stats back to C-town

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Needs to relate the NSW stats back to C-town

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good stats but irrelevant if it doesn't justify how or why this affects Campbelltown. Anyone can write stats, but what do they mean?

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It jumps very quickly from talking about Campbelltown to talking about Sydney in general, then NSW, with little to no linking between them or referring back.

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what point is he trying to make??? no link between ctown + general stats in the second half

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The facts should be supporting a point

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- deviates from opening sentence

- the sentences aren't linked very well

- the main point of the paragraph is very unclear

- information overload!!!!! Too many stats and not enough analysis of the stats!!

- opening sentence should just introduce topic ( shouldn't really contain stats)

- last sentence is ok- needs more of these

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Hi

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What do you think of the micro-structure? Campbelltown city is considered a disadvantaged local government area with a score of 954.5 on the Socio-Economic Indexes for Areas (SEIFA), placing it below the national average at 36th percentile and at 30th percentile within New South Wales. SEIFA is derived from a range of Australian Census characteristics, such as income, educational attainment, type of occupation and unemployment, that measures the relative level of socioeconomic disadvantage. A recent NSW government report predicts that demand for health care will grow by 50% in the next 20 years due to the ageing population and lifestyle diseases. Sydney is projected to remain the highest populated city with 7.0 million people in 2056. The median age of Australia’s population is projected to increase from 36.8 years in June 2007 to 45.2 years in 2056. These factors put a heavy strain on demand for health care in NSW.