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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMcgJR8ESRc

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" Why will my newborn only sleep in my arms, what am I doing wrong?". A question so frequently asked by exhausted new parents.

The first three months of parenting are questionably the hardest. A quarter of all babies in this age group are diagnosed as suffering from colic, this despite the fact that there is actually no such medical disorder. Health professionals diagnose 'colic' when they don't know why a baby is so unhappy and parents are unable to stop their tears. The term baby colic was first use by the paediatrician Morris Wessell in 1954 and is actually a catch all diagnosis used to describe a baby who cries a lot despite being otherwise healthy. Colic is often blamed on 'trapped wind' or 'tummy cramps', but in reality there is usually no underlying physical cause. Despite this, many desperate parents turn to medication to cope with their baby's tears and restless nights, however several of the popular colic remedies on the market today have been proven to be no more effective than a placebo.

There is hope though, understanding the enormous transition that babies make from 'womb to world', a concept commonly referred to as 'The Fourth Trimester', can prove ground-breaking for sleep deprived new parents. When babies are born they are incredibly ill prepared for life outside of the uterus. They are the least developed of all mammals at birth. There are theories that due to our large head size human babies are born prematurely development wise, else they would be too large to be born naturally. While this is good news for mothers, it's not such good news for the babies who could really do with another three months gestation. Understanding this and treating newborns as if they were still 'in utero' for their first three months of life can make life much easier for new families.

Inside a uterus it is incredibly dark and the baby is in warm water, permanently heated to 37 degrees centigrade, they have never been in air before, let alone much colder temperatures. In addition all of the baby's surroundings are soft and they are naked, they have never had to wear a nappy or be placed in a cold crib. When the mother is pregnant the baby is in constant physical contact with her, after the birth the baby instantly spends approximately sixty percent of its day and night alone. In utero there is constant muffled noise from the mother's heartbeat and digestive system. After birth the baby has to get used to lots of different sounds, some loud, some quiet. During pregnancy the baby spends most of the time curled tightly upside down, in a position ready for birth, after birth they spend most of their time flat on their back. Due to their aquatic environment smell is almost impossible but after birth, once they live in air, babies are exposed to hundreds of new scents per day. Lastly, before birth babies have never been hungry or thirsty, those sensations are entirely new to them once they are born. The change from uterus to 'earth side' is so huge it's a wonder that only 25% of babies are diagnosed with colic!

Keeping the concept of 'The Fourth Trimester' in mind can help new parents immeasurably. It is fairly easy to replicate the baby's 'womb world' post birth with the following tips, which can have a dramatic effect on colic, crying and baby sleep.

Movement

Practice contractions, Braxton Hicks, squeeze babies rhythmically at the end of pregnancy and every time a pregnant mother moves the baby wobbles around inside. Post birth babies love movement, but so often they are put down somewhere completely still. Try dancing, swaying from side to side or going for an exaggerated quick walk or bumpy car ride.

Noise

Babies love sound, but for many not the sound you might think. For many a vacuum cleaner or hair-dryer is much more calming than a lullaby. Playing a special white noise CD can help to calm babies and help them to sleep for longer.

Position

Holding a baby in a more natural position, belly down, such as the "tiger in the tree" position, from baby yoga, is often magical, stopping a crying baby in an instant.

Feed

If babies are hungry nothing will calm them. Feeding is always better if it is baby led, not led by a routine. The early months are not the time to space feeds. Babies may not always be hungry for a full feed, they may want a quick drink or just some comfort sucking. This sucking is important however as it helps the baby's skull bones to return to their normal position after birth as well as providing them with comfort and security. It also helps to establish milk supply in breastfeeding mothers.

Deep Bathing

Sometimes a deep, warm bath can stop a baby's tears in seconds. This is even better if the mum or dad goes in the big bath with the baby too, as skin to skin contact is a wonderful baby calmer due to the stimulation and release of the happy hormone oxytocin in both parent and baby.

Swaddling

Imagine how snug babies are at the very end of pregnancy, with so little space to move, then imagine how strange it must feel to them after they have been born and have so much space around them. Swaddling a baby can help to replicate this snug feeling, although the fabric should not be tight over the baby's hips and parents should stop swaddling by the time the baby can roll for safety reasons. Be careful not to miss your baby's hunger cues however and make sure you get lots of skin to skin too.

Babywearing

Carrying babies in a sling or carrier is a great way to keep them calm and happy. It increases the time a baby spends in a state of quiet alertness, a time of contentment when they learn most. Research has shown that babies who are carried regularly cry significantly less than those who are not. From the parent's perspective babywearing also means they have two free hands to be able to eat, go to the toilet or read a paper.

Co Sleeping

Worldwide approximately sixty percent of parents regularly share a bed with their baby, though in the UK this figure is much lower. Unfortunately cosleeping gets bad press in the UK, however research has actually shown that if parents follow some simple safety guidelines (such as not sharing a bed if either parent smokes, has taken any medication that may caused drowsiness or drunk any alcohol and making sure the sleep surface is flat and firm and all blankets and pillows are kept well away from the baby) then there is no more risk of SIDS than a baby sleeping in a cot. Sharing a bed with a newborn is fantastic for helping the whole family to get more sleep at night.

Empathising with the experience of a newborn baby can often give far more insight into ways to help them than receiving a medical diagnosis. Interestingly most of the methods that are advocated in the fourth trimester are ones that parents will often do instinctively. In many cases however parents have been warned to not 'spoil' their baby or 'make a rod for their own back' by holding them too much. The simple fact is though, that it is impossible to spoil a baby or hold them too much! If your baby settles in your arms and you are happy to have them there then that is perhaps the best way to cope of all.

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Why Newborn Babies Cry if They are Not Being Held. - Attachment Parenting UK

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" Why will my newborn only sleep in my arms, what am I doing wrong? ". A question so frequently asked by exhausted new parents. The first three months of parenting are questionably the hardest. A quarter of all babies in this age group are diagnosed as suffering from colic, this despite the fact that there is actually no such medical disorder.

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When a child sits in their car seat, the only thing holding them in place is the seat's five-point harness, so it is vital that that harness is correctly fitted and adjusted.

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University College London

Summary of the impact

Parents, healthcare professionals and policy makers across the globe have benefited from Professor Ian St James-Roberts's research and writing on understanding infant sleep and crying. His findings over 20 years underpin government and third-sector guidance for health staff in the UK, US, Canada and Australia. His research has also informed - and eased the minds of - countless parents in these and many other countries. It features in the practical advice provided by the National Childbirth Trust (NCT), the UK's biggest parenting charity, and is cited on many other authoritative websites for parents around the world.

Underpinning research

Context: For many years parents, particularly in the West, have been offered conflicting advice on how to respond to very young babies who cry excessively or have problematical sleep patterns. Many parents have consequently not known whether to try to stick to a predetermined sleeping and eating schedule or react to their child's every demand. Nevertheless, until Professor St-James Roberts of the IOE conducted his breakthrough study (see reference R1), researchers had struggled to identify a methodology that would provide the reliable answers that parents craved.

Research methods: The 2006 study led by St James-Roberts compared the crying and sleeping of three groups of infants whose parents had elected to adopt different forms of care. The researchers focused on mothers in:

1) London (who indicated that they were most likely to follow a schedule)

2) Copenhagen (who were expecting to be more responsive to their babies) and

3) a `proximal' group drawn from both countries who planned to hold their infants for much of the time that they were awake and respond rapidly if they cried.

Mothers in the first two groups were recruited via maternity wards within three days of their babies' birth while those in the third group were identified through natural parenting networks. All the mothers (275 in total) were asked to keep a diary of their infants' crying and night waking as well as their own responses at 8-14 days, 5-6 weeks and 10-14 weeks of age. They also completed questionnaires on their babies' feeding and sleeping patterns. Researchers made home visits and carried out observations.

Key findings: The study revealed that the `proximal' parents held their infants for 15 to 16 hours a day and were more likely than the other two groups to sleep with them. They also fed their babies more often. London parents had 50 per cent less physical contact with their infants and stopped breastfeeding earlier than the other groups. They also left their crying babies for longer. Copenhagen parents fell between the other groups in terms of the amount of contact they had with their infants. The study also found that:

comforting babies may work better than leaving them to cry - at least during the first few weeks of life. The London infants cried 50 per cent more than babies who received more attention at two and five weeks of age.

colicky crying (unexplained bouts of crying that affect between one in five and one in seven healthy children) at 5 weeks are unaffected by parental care.

As the infants got older, switching from comforting on demand to care that emphasised routines was beneficial: it helped to reduce crying out in the night, probably because it helped infants to learn to remain settled at night. (This finding is supported by controlled trials by St James-Roberts and others (R3).)

St James-Roberts and his colleagues concluded that different parenting styles are associated with different sets of advantages and disadvantages. Overall, it was the Copenhagen parents who followed a middle path - neither remaining `hands off' nor responding to every demand - and their infants who fared best.

Researchers: The work of St James-Roberts and his colleagues sits within a highly-respected body of health education and family research at the IOE's Thomas Coram Research Unit (TCRU). This includes influential work on sex education, family breakdown, parenting, childhood wellbeing and children from care backgrounds.

The study described here was conducted by Professor St. James-Roberts (PI), Emese Csipke, Tanya Abramsky and Jennifer Goodwin (all TCRU) and Marissa Alvarez and Esterh Sorgenfrei (both University of Copenhagen).

Related research: More recently, St James-Roberts and his IOE colleague Emma Peachey have sought to distinguish prolonged crying behaviour from sleep-waking problems. They demonstrated that most colicky infants at 5-6 weeks were no more likely than other children to be unsettled in the night by 12 weeks ( R2). St James-Roberts has also helped to dispel the myth that colicky crying in early infancy is attributable to gastro-intestinal disturbance. He has summarised evidence that such disturbances affect only about 1 in 100 infants. Many infants who are taken to see doctors are simply at the extreme of the normal range of crying behaviour. At the same time, St James-Roberts has acknowledged that many parents are left seriously distressed by their babies' crying ( R3). In extreme cases, this has been known to trigger `shaken baby syndrome', resulting in brain damage or death. He and his fellow researchers have also highlighted the hidden financial costs of infant crying and sleep problems. A 2001 study he co-authored estimated that the professional time devoted to discussing such issues with parents of infants was costing the NHS about £65 million per year ( R4).

References to the research

R1: St James-Roberts, I., Alvarez, M., Csipke, E., Abramsky, T., Goodwin, J., & Sorgenfrei, E. (2006) Infant crying and sleeping in London, Copenhagen and when parents adopt a `proximal' form of care, Pediatrics 117(6), e1146-e1155.

R2: St James-Roberts, I. & Peachey E. (2011) Distinguishing infant prolonged crying from sleep-waking problems, Archives of Disease in Childhood (BMJ group), 96, 340-344.

R3: St James-Roberts, I., Sleep, J., Morris, S., Owen, C. & Gillham, P. (2001) Use of a behavioural programme in the first 3 months to prevent infant crying and sleeping problems, Journal of Paediatrics and Child Health, 37, 289-97.

R4: Morris, S., St James-Roberts, I., Sleep, J. & Gillham, P. (2001) Economic evaluation of strategies for managing crying and sleeping problems, Archives of Diseases of Childhood, 84,15-9.

R5: St James-Roberts, I. (2012) The origins, prevention and treatment of infant crying and sleeping problems: an evidence-based guide for healthcare professionals and the families they support, London: Routledge.

R6: St James-Roberts, I. (2007) Infant crying and sleeping: helping parents to prevent and manage problems, Sleep Medicine Clinics, 2, 363-375.

Indicators of quality:

IQ1: St James-Roberts's British Psychological Society fellowship citation says one of his assessors "was led to comment that `no psychologist could tackle the issue of infant crying without drawing heavily on Dr St James-Roberts' work' ". (See Impact source S1)

IQ2: The Crying Patterns questionnaire, which St James-Roberts developed, has been used by researchers around the world.

Indicative funding: St James-Roberts was the grantholder for each of these studies ( G1) and Co-Applicant for G2.

G1: Wellcome Trust: £187,000 to assess the aetiology and outcome of persistent infant crying (1993-5); £118,000 to assess whether the crying of infants with colic is distinct (1998-2001); £204,000 for a comparative, cross-cultural study of infant crying and sleep (2002-5); £314,000 to assess the role of infant learning in the development of `sleeping through the night' (2009-12).

G2: NHS Executive grant of £176,000 for a randomised controlled trial of the effects of a parental intervention package on infant crying and sleeping (1996-8).

Details of the impact

Reach and significance: Research by St James-Roberts, conducted over several decades, has helped to achieve a paradigm shift in the understanding and treatment of infant colic, crying and sleep problems. It has informed millions of parents and has paved the way for the development of interventions to help families and substantially reduce governments' health costs. It is also contributing to the work of others designed to prevent shaken baby syndrome.

Principal beneficiaries and dates: Parents around the world who visit authoritative websites, clinics or healthcare professionals to seek information on infant crying or sleeping. Healthcare and medical professionals have benefited too as they now have more reliable evidence to offer parents. The impact began before 2008 and continues to accumulate as more and more guides for parents and guidelines for professionals cite St James-Roberts's research.

Impact on policy and practice: Colicky crying: His work has added to evidence that different parenting approaches have little effect on colicky crying, which is common in early infancy. This has provided reassurance that parents are not to blame for this type of infant crying. In the UK, this evidence has resulted in a move towards health services that focus on providing parents with information and practical support in managing infant crying. For example the wording of the

National Institute for Health Research's 2012 call for research to underpin an intervention package for parents of infants who cry excessively shows the influence of this research, by focusing directly on supporting parents rather than trying to treat an infant presumed to be unwell ( S2). In 2012, St James-Roberts was also invited by the Rome Foundation, a charity concerned with Functional Gastrointestinal (GI) Disorders, to join the expert panel that is developing international guidelines for clinicians diagnosing paediatric GI disorders.

Shaken baby syndrome: Findings from his research form part of the body of work that is helping to combat this syndrome. The Period Of Purple Crying website, sponsored by the US National Center on Shaken Baby Syndrome, includes three Infant Sleep pages by St James-Roberts ( S3), which have had more than 60,000 views since publication in October 2009. One parent emailed: "You have no idea how difficult it is to find an un-biased summary of ways to deal with night waking ... It is very easy to find information on how to execute the methods, but next to impossible to find a backgrounder that simply describes the problem so that as a parent you can assess the behaviour before deciding how to deal with it" ( S11). A paper St James-Roberts published in Child Abuse Review ( S4) also appears in the section on parent education and child abuse prevention in the library of the US National Criminal Justice Reference Service. The reach of his research is enhanced by the citation of his work in A Journalist's Guide to Shaken Baby Syndrome ( S5). This guide is published by the US Department of Health and Human Services Centres for Disease Control and Prevention. The guide says: "The key here is that crying is normal and is not the problem. The problem is how caregivers respond to a baby's cry."

Professional and public engagement: St James-Roberts works closely with organisations that educate new parents about infant sleep and crying issues - and the professionals who advise them. For example, his 2012 guide for professionals and families ( R5) is helping to underpin an Institute of Health Visiting sleep campaign designed to update practitioners ( S6); it is recommended in the Institute's practitioner training sessions, including those run jointly with NetMums.

NCT adviser: St James-Roberts has been a member of the NCT's Research Advisory Panel since 2010. Mary Newburn, NCT head of research ( S7), says: "Ian understands our commitment to being both parent-centred and evidence-based. We are using two questions on persistent crying from his earlier research in our longitudinal study of parents, as this is an aspect of parenting that causes considerable stress and concern. We ... feel it is invaluable to have his support, based on his detailed empirical comparative research". St James-Roberts is cited in the NCT's information for health workers ( S8) and its web articles for parents and professionals.

Trusted websites: His findings also substantiate advice on the most widely-trusted national and international websites, including those of NHS Direct and Unicef ( S9). Leading commercial organisations such as Mothercare also cite his research.

International reach: Articles both by St James-Roberts and about his work are included in the Encyclopedia on Early Childhood Development ( S10). Produced by Montreal University, the Encyclopedia has been translated into French, Spanish and Portuguese and is presented in three levels of language for different needs. His work is also cited by many parents' organisations and health websites in countries including the US, Australia, Canada and Singapore, as well as the UK. He is, for example, an `expert panellist' on websites for new parents such as babycentre.co.uk. His advice for parents has been translated into many languages, including French, Spanish, Romanian, Croatian and Turkish.

Sources to corroborate the impact

S1: BPS Fellowship citation (2002) http://www.thepsychologist.org.uk/archive/archive_home.cfm/volumeID_15-editionID_83-ArticleID_449-getfile_getPDF/thepsychologist%5C0802soci.cfm.pdf

S2: NIHR Health Technology Assessment programme specification
http://www.hta.ac.uk/funding/standardcalls/12_150.pdf

S3: http://www.purplecrying.info/sleeping.php

S4: https://www.ncjrs.gov/App/publications/Abstract.aspx?id=239430 : National Criminal Justice Reference Service, US Dept. of Justice. Part of NCJRS library collection.

S5: http://www.cdc.gov/Concussion/pdf/SBS_Media_Guide_508_optimized-a.pdf: Journalists' Guide to Shaken Baby Syndrome: A Preventable Tragedy (CDC)

S6: Statement from Maggie Fisher, Institute of Health Visitors and NetMums (available)

S7: Statement from Mary Newburn, head of research and quality, NCT (available)

S8: Semple, A. (2011) Self-regulated sleep and unsettled babies - what can we usefully tell parents', in Perspective (NCT journal), June 2011, pp 14-15
http://www.nct.org.uk/sites/default/files/related_documents/Semple%20Self_regulated%20sleep%20and%20unsettled%20babies%2014-15_0.pdf

S9: Unicef health professional's guide for use with parents' guide:
http://www.unicef.org.uk/Documents/Baby_Friendly/Leaflets/HPs_Guide_to_Coping_At_Night_Final.pdf (see p 11)

S10: http://www.child-encyclopedia.com/en-ca/child-crying-behaviour/according-to-experts.html

S11: Two emails available from a parent and a health worker (2012)

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University College London Parents, healthcare professionals and policy makers across the globe have benefited from Professor Ian St James-Roberts's research and writing on understanding infant sleep and crying. His findings over 20 years underpin government and third-sector guidance for health staff in the UK, US, Canada and Australia.

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These vignettes provide rich examples of how:

development unfolds from birth to age 3

young children acquire school readiness skills through everyday interactions and activities

parents and caregivers support children's early learning and development through daily interactions and activities

These vignettes serve as powerful tools for professionals to use both in direct work with families and for training other early child development professionals. They act as catalysts for discussion about all aspects of early development and provide vivid illustrations of the significant influence parents have in getting their young children ready for school.

View the clips below, and to order the full set of 30 videos on DVD from our bookstore.

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These vignettes provide rich examples of how: development unfolds from birth to age 3 young children acquire school readiness skills through everyday interactions and activities parents and caregivers support children's early learning and development through daily interactions and activities These vignettes serve as powerful tools for professionals to use both in direct work with families and for training other early child development professionals.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
" Why will my newborn only sleep in my arms, what am I doing wrong?". A question so frequently asked by exhausted new parents.

The first three months of parenting are questionably the hardest. A quarter of all babies in this age group are diagnosed as suffering from colic, this despite the fact that there is actually no such medical disorder. Health professionals diagnose 'colic' when they don't know why a baby is so unhappy and parents are unable to stop their tears. The term baby colic was first use by the paediatrician Morris Wessell in 1954 and is actually a catch all diagnosis used to describe a baby who cries a lot despite being otherwise healthy. Colic is often blamed on 'trapped wind' or 'tummy cramps', but in reality there is usually no underlying physical cause. Despite this, many desperate parents turn to medication to cope with their baby's tears and restless nights, however several of the popular colic remedies on the market today have been proven to be no more effective than a placebo.

There is hope though, understanding the enormous transition that babies make from 'womb to world', a concept commonly referred to as 'The Fourth Trimester', can prove ground-breaking for sleep deprived new parents. When babies are born they are incredibly ill prepared for life outside of the uterus. They are the least developed of all mammals at birth. There are theories that due to our large head size human babies are born prematurely development wise, else they would be too large to be born naturally. While this is good news for mothers, it's not such good news for the babies who could really do with another three months gestation. Understanding this and treating newborns as if they were still 'in utero' for their first three months of life can make life much easier for new families.

Inside a uterus it is incredibly dark and the baby is in warm water, permanently heated to 37 degrees centigrade, they have never been in air before, let alone much colder temperatures. In addition all of the baby's surroundings are soft and they are naked, they have never had to wear a nappy or be placed in a cold crib. When the mother is pregnant the baby is in constant physical contact with her, after the birth the baby instantly spends approximately sixty percent of its day and night alone. In utero there is constant muffled noise from the mother's heartbeat and digestive system. After birth the baby has to get used to lots of different sounds, some loud, some quiet. During pregnancy the baby spends most of the time curled tightly upside down, in a position ready for birth, after birth they spend most of their time flat on their back. Due to their aquatic environment smell is almost impossible but after birth, once they live in air, babies are exposed to hundreds of new scents per day. Lastly, before birth babies have never been hungry or thirsty, those sensations are entirely new to them once they are born. The change from uterus to 'earth side' is so huge it's a wonder that only 25% of babies are diagnosed with colic!

Keeping the concept of 'The Fourth Trimester' in mind can help new parents immeasurably. It is fairly easy to replicate the baby's 'womb world' post birth with the following tips, which can have a dramatic effect on colic, crying and baby sleep.

Movement

Practice contractions, Braxton Hicks, squeeze babies rhythmically at the end of pregnancy and every time a pregnant mother moves the baby wobbles around inside. Post birth babies love movement, but so often they are put down somewhere completely still. Try dancing, swaying from side to side or going for an exaggerated quick walk or bumpy car ride.

Noise

Babies love sound, but for many not the sound you might think. For many a vacuum cleaner or hair-dryer is much more calming than a lullaby. Playing a special white noise CD can help to calm babies and help them to sleep for longer.

Position

Holding a baby in a more natural position, belly down, such as the "tiger in the tree" position, from baby yoga, is often magical, stopping a crying baby in an instant.

Feed

If babies are hungry nothing will calm them. Feeding is always better if it is baby led, not led by a routine. The early months are not the time to space feeds. Babies may not always be hungry for a full feed, they may want a quick drink or just some comfort sucking. This sucking is important however as it helps the baby's skull bones to return to their normal position after birth as well as providing them with comfort and security. It also helps to establish milk supply in breastfeeding mothers.

Deep Bathing

Sometimes a deep, warm bath can stop a baby's tears in seconds. This is even better if the mum or dad goes in the big bath with the baby too, as skin to skin contact is a wonderful baby calmer due to the stimulation and release of the happy hormone oxytocin in both parent and baby.

Swaddling

Imagine how snug babies are at the very end of pregnancy, with so little space to move, then imagine how strange it must feel to them after they have been born and have so much space around them. Swaddling a baby can help to replicate this snug feeling, although the fabric should not be tight over the baby's hips and parents should stop swaddling by the time the baby can roll for safety reasons. Be careful not to miss your baby's hunger cues however and make sure you get lots of skin to skin too.

Babywearing

Carrying babies in a sling or carrier is a great way to keep them calm and happy. It increases the time a baby spends in a state of quiet alertness, a time of contentment when they learn most. Research has shown that babies who are carried regularly cry significantly less than those who are not. From the parent's perspective babywearing also means they have two free hands to be able to eat, go to the toilet or read a paper.

Co Sleeping

Worldwide approximately sixty percent of parents regularly share a bed with their baby, though in the UK this figure is much lower. Unfortunately cosleeping gets bad press in the UK, however research has actually shown that if parents follow some simple safety guidelines (such as not sharing a bed if either parent smokes, has taken any medication that may caused drowsiness or drunk any alcohol and making sure the sleep surface is flat and firm and all blankets and pillows are kept well away from the baby) then there is no more risk of SIDS than a baby sleeping in a cot. Sharing a bed with a newborn is fantastic for helping the whole family to get more sleep at night.

Empathising with the experience of a newborn baby can often give far more insight into ways to help them than receiving a medical diagnosis. Interestingly most of the methods that are advocated in the fourth trimester are ones that parents will often do instinctively. In many cases however parents have been warned to not 'spoil' their baby or 'make a rod for their own back' by holding them too much. The simple fact is though, that it is impossible to spoil a baby or hold them too much! If your baby settles in your arms and you are happy to have them there then that is perhaps the best way to cope of all.

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Why Newborn Babies Cry if They are Not Being Held. - Attachment Parenting UK

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" Why will my newborn only sleep in my arms, what am I doing wrong? ". A question so frequently asked by exhausted new parents. The first three months of parenting are questionably the hardest. A quarter of all babies in this age group are diagnosed as suffering from colic, this despite the fact that there is actually no such medical disorder.

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What to do if your partner is suffering from PND or anxiety

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What to do if your partner is suffering from PND or anxiety

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What night help Mums during those early days

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What night help Mums during those early days

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Postnatal mental health

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Mums tell us what lifted them during pregnancy and as a Mum to a newborn

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Our latest questionnaire for UKPEA had over 1400 respondents talking about their emotional and mental wellbeing during pregnancy and post natally. Here is the results of one of the questions: "What did you find helped you emotionally and mentally during this time?"

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When you first have a baby it can be really magical. Everyone is so excited to meet them, friends and family appear with tiny little hats, meals and helpful hands...

The first couple of weeks are tiring but amazing, you feel protected in your little bubble of love. But it can't last forever...

People start to disappear. It's not their fault, everyone has their own responsibilities and you have bills to pay. Normal everyday life must come crashing back...

You always thought looking after a baby would be hard, exhausting even, but maybe you weren't fully prepared for the total life hijack. The sofa covered in sick, the numerous cups of cold tea littering the living room, the endless dirty nappies and the half eaten bowls of cereal...

How can one tiny, beautiful human cause so much chaos? Sometimes you look around and feel like you aren't achieving anything. Sometimes you miss the freedoms of your old life.

NO! The jäger train has left the platform!

People tell you that it's important to get out, go to baby groups and have coffee with friends. That helps, it really does. But even when you are surrounded by other people you can end up feeling quite alone...

It can seem like you are the odd one out. The only one who is not enjoying it. The only one who is wishing the time away. The only one who can't work out the logistics of taking a shower.

How the hell do other mums manage to look so together?!

Those thoughts can get on top of you, make you feel anxious, make you feel down...

But it's not just you. Sometimes we forget that other people tend to put on a front and share the good sides of their lives. We all do it right?
Social media lies.
Nobody lives a perfect life and you won't be the only one who is struggling.

Talking to other people will make you see that you are not alone. Whether it's your partner, your family, a friend or a doctor. There are people who will understand.

You will see that It's not your fault. That you are a great mum. That you love your child but you are only human. That all you needed was a little help.

And we can all help each other, we just need to be honest. We just need to talk.

**************

P.S. I have TWO books out now! You can nab them on Amazon here or in all good bookshops and supermarkets :)

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When you first have a baby it can be really magical. Everyone is so excited to meet them, friends and family appear with tiny little hats, meals and helpful hands... The first couple of weeks are tiring but amazing, you feel protected in your little bubble of love.

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You don't need to bathe your baby every day. You may prefer to wash their face, neck, hands and bottom instead. This is often called "topping and tailing".
Choose a time when your baby is awake and content. Make sure the room is warm. Get everything ready beforehand. You'll need a bowl of warm water, a towel, cotton wool, a fresh nappy and, if necessary, clean clothes.

Topping and tailing tips

Hold your baby on your knee or lay them on a changing mat. Take off all their clothes, apart from their vest and nappy, and wrap them in a towel.

Dip the cotton wool in the water (make sure it doesn't get too wet) and wipe gently around your baby's eyes from the nose outward, using a fresh piece of cotton wool for each eye. This is so that you don't transfer any stickiness or infection from one eye to another.

Use a fresh piece of cotton wool to clean around your baby's ears, but not inside them. Never use cotton buds to clean inside your baby's ears. Wash the rest of your baby's face, neck and hands in the same way and dry them gently with the towel.

Take off the nappy and wash your baby's bottom and genital area with fresh cotton wool and warm water. Dry very carefully, including between the skin folds, and put on a clean nappy.

It will help your baby to relax if you keep talking while you wash them. The more they hear your voice, the more they'll get used to listening to you and start to understand what you're saying.

Bathing your baby safely

You don't need to bathe your baby every day, but if they really enjoy it, there's no reason why you shouldn't.

It's best not to bathe your baby straight after a feed or when they're hungry or tired. Make sure the room you're bathing them in is warm.

Have everything you need at hand: a baby bath or clean washing-up bowl filled with warm water, 2 towels, a clean nappy, clean clothes and cotton wool.

The water should be warm, not hot. Check it with your wrist or elbow and mix it well so there are no hot patches.

Don't add any liquid cleansers to the bath water. Plain water is best for your baby's skin in the first month.

Hold your baby on your knee and clean their face.

Next, wash their hair with plain water, supporting them over the bowl.

Once you've dried their hair gently, you can take off their nappy, wiping away any mess.

Lower your baby gently into the bowl or bath using one hand to hold their upper arm and support their head and shoulders. Then use the other hand to gently swish the water over your baby without splashing.

Keep your baby's head clear of the water.

Never leave your baby alone in the bath, not even for a second.

Lift your baby out and pat them dry, paying special attention to the creases in their skin.

This is a good time to massage your baby. Massage can help them relax and sleep. Avoid using any oils or lotions until your baby is at least a month old.

If your baby seems frightened of bathing and cries, try bathing together. Make sure the water isn't too hot. It's easier if someone else holds your baby while you get in and out of the bath.

Video: how do I bath my baby?

In this video, a midwife shows you how to bath your baby properly.

Cutting your baby's nails

Some babies are born with long nails and it's important to cut them in case they scratch themselves. You can buy special baby nail clippers or small, round-ended safety scissors. Or you could try filing them down with a fine emery board instead

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You don't need to bathe your baby every day. You may prefer to wash their face, neck, hands and bottom instead. This is often called "topping and tailing". Choose a time when your baby is awake and content. Make sure the room is warm. Get everything ready beforehand.

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Action Postpartum Psychosis (APP)
app-network.org
Information and support for anyone who's experienced postpartum psychosis, including a peer support network and an online forum.

Anxiety UK

0844 477 5774
anxietyuk.org.uk

Support, help and information for anyone with an anxiety disorder.

The Association for Post Natal Illness

Provides support to mothers with postnatal depression.

Birth trauma association
birthtraumaassociation.org.uk
Support for women who have experienced traumatic childbirth, and their partners.

The Breastfeeding Network

helpline: 0300 100 0212
breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk

Support and information, including information on drugs and breastfeeding.

Elefriends
elefriends.org.uk
A supportive online community for anyone experiencing a mental health problem.

Family Action
family-action.org.uk
Services for families, including mental health support.

Family Lives

24-hour helpline: 0808 800 2222
familylives.org.uk
Information and support for parents and families.

Fatherhood Institute
fatherhoodinstitute.org
The UK's fatherhood think-tank, providing news, training information, policy updates, research summaries and guides for supporting fathers and their families.

Home-Start

0800 068 63 68
home-start.org.uk
Local support networks for families with young children.

The Lullaby Trust
lullabytrust.org.uk
Information and support for people affected by Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS).

Maternal OCD
maternalocd.org
Information and support for people experiencing perinatal OCD.

The Miscarriage Association
miscarriageassociation.org.uk
Information and support for anyone affected by miscarriage.

Mumsnet
mumsnet.com
Forums about parenting, including parenting and mental health.

The National Association for People Abused in Childhood (NAPAC)

0808 801 0331 (freephone from landline and mobiles)
napac.org.uk
A charity supporting adult survivors of any form of childhood abuse. Provides a support line and local support services.
NCT

NCT is the UK's largest charity for parents. Its website and helpline offer practical and emotional support in all areas of pregnancy, birth and early parenthood.

Netmums
netmums.com
Online parenting organisation helping parents share information and advice.

NHS Choices

Provides information on a wide range of health and social care topics. Also provides an online search tool to find NHS services near you.

No Panic

0844 967 4848 (10am-10pm)
nopanic.org.uk
Provides a helpline, step-by-step programmes, and support for those with anxiety disorders.

OCD Action

0845 390 6232
ocdaction.org.uk

Information and support for people with experience of OCD, and their friends, family and carers.

OCD-UK

A charity run by people with OCD who campaign and can help with local support group information.

PANDAS
pandasfoundation.org.uk
Information and support for anyone experiencing a mental health problem during or after pregnancy.

PND & Me
pndandme.co.uk
Online network connecting people with experience of perinatal mental health problems through twitter.

Sands
sands.org.uk Stillbirth and neonatal death charity, providing information and support for anyone affected by these issues.
Start4Life
nhs.uk/start4life
Information on pregnancy, breastfeeding and parenthood from the NHS.

Tommy's

Support and information on pregnancy, including mental health problems.

This information was published in July 2016. We will revise it in 2019.

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Action Postpartum Psychosis (APP) app-network.org Information and support for anyone who's experienced postpartum psychosis, including a peer support network and an online forum. Anxiety UK 0844 477 5774 anxietyuk.org.uk Support, help and information for anyone with an anxiety disorder. The Association for Post Natal Illness Provides support to mothers with postnatal depression.

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Benefits of Carrying your Baby in a Sling

The benefits of using a sling or carrier with your baby are numerous and can be equally positive for all the members of the family, not just baby and parents, but older brothers and sisters, grandparents, and other relations too. Here are some of the many advantages:

Sheer convenience

With your baby in a sling you have two hands available while giving your baby the closeness and attention he needs. You're able to play with older siblings, fix yourself food and drink, and get everyday tasks done without putting down a baby who wants to be cuddled.

Getting out and about with your baby in a sling is so much simpler. Anywhere your feet can take you your baby can go too, happy and content to view the world from the safety of your body. There's no need to wait for lifts, or avoid stairs and escalators, rough terrain or stiles.

Public transport becomes much easier to navigate. There's no more waiting in the rain because the buggy spaces on the bus are already full. Trips to the supermarket are unencumbered by carrying a car seat or a pushing a buggy, and there's plenty of room to cram shopping in the boot when you don't have to find room for the pushchair.

If you use a sling for an older, walking baby, you are able to have both hands free to guide him. A sling in your bag is the perfect solution for toddlers with tired legs or in need of a nap, and you have no need to take out an empty pushchair 'just in case'.

Everyday activities at home and away are easier using a sling or carrier.

Bonding, development and close contact

All babies crave close contact with their carers. Using a sling or carrier is a way to give that closeness and security to your baby. Babies in slings have been shown regularly to cry up to 40% less, making life easier for you and much less stressful for them. Instead of crying, they spend more time in a 'quiet alert' state, which is the best time for babies to learn, and sleeping, which is the best time for them to grow.

Using a sling or carrier helps your baby to develop and can soothe her effortlessly when she is sick, teething or tired. As your baby grows, using a sling can provide excellent stimulation and learning opportunities purely by giving her the opportunity to observe your day to day activities. Allowing your baby to be close to you much of the time can make it much easier on both of you when you do need to put her down because you have already fulfilled her need for security.

Physical benefits for the parent

For the parent who uses a sling, the need to hold the baby one-handed or balanced on the hip while getting on with everyday tasks is vastly reduced. The weight of the baby is spread over your torso, reducing the strain caused by lopsided carrying in arms. Constant lifting of a baby in order for him to see is not necessary as they already have a view from near your eye-level.

Piggybacks and carrying the baby on your shoulders can cause strain and injury. Using a sling gives the same effect but allows for proper weight distribution.

Breastfeeding mothers find the close physical contact with their baby can stimulate milk production and a sling can allow for easier, discreet breastfeeding. Bottle feeding is also simpler when out and about, as you can hold your baby close to you without straining your arms.

Physical benefits for the baby

Using a sling helps babies learn to regulate their own temperature and breathing as they are stimulated by the parent's own body cycles. Using a sling in an upright posture can help babies' digestion, and enable them to bring up wind. The massaging effect of being tummy to tummy with a parent can help with cases of reflux, colic, trapped wind and constipation.

Time spent upright in a sling has the same effect on a baby's muscles as 'tummy time', encouraging them to develop the core strength they need to achieve physical milestones, from holding up the head to walking. It also acts as a preventative measure against 'flat-head syndrome' as the head is not lying on anything flat, and hip dysplasia, if the sling is positioned correctly.

Types of Slings - A Brief Guide

A sling should be on every new parent's wish list. It is the closest thing to an extra pair of hands you are likely to come across. They are infallible for soothing a grizzly or colicky infant, keep the baby happy while letting you get on with essential chores, and are invaluable while out and about, whether travelling on public transport, negotiating steps, escalators and busy shops, or on country walks.

So many slings are available today we are spoilt for choice, but the selection is so wide it can be bewildering. When choosing a sling it is best to consider when and how you plan to use it, who else will be using it, and whether you have the patience to master one of the trickier types. Or you could buy more than one for different purposes. But be warned, they are addictive and you might find yourself building up a collection!

Wraps

Wraps are very long lengths of material which are wrapped around the wearer and baby, and tied. They are very versatile, allowing a complete range of carries on one or both of the wearer's shoulders, can be used by different sized adults and are very comfortable for long periods.

Stretchy wraps
Stretchy wraps are generally pre-tied which makes them very easy to use for those new to slings. Due to their stretch most users find that they want to move on to another carrier around 6 months.

German Style Woven / Woven wraps
These wraps have a diagonal weave which many people find adds to the comfort when carrying a child. They are called German Style Woven or GSW because they first became popular in Germany. Nowadays they do not necessarily come from a German company.

Gauze wraps
Gauze wraps have a straight weave which usually makes them cheaper. Often they are thinner as well making them ideal for summer.

SPOC wraps
SPOC stands for Simple Piece Of Cloth. This indicates that the piece of cloth used was not woven with the specific purpose of being a baby carrier. It is possible to make a SPOC yourself by hemming a long piece of material.

Hybrid wraps
Some wraps have qualities of both a stretchy and a woven wrap which is why they are referred to as Hybrid wraps. It may for example be possible to back carry with a hybrid wrap which has a large amount of stretch.

Soft Structured Carriers

Soft structured carriers fasten with straps and buckles and often have a padded or structured waist. In design they are based on Asian Style Carriers like the Mei Tai. They can be used on the wearer's front or back, and, as the weight is distributed across both shoulders, they are very comfortable for long periods.

They are quick and easy to put on, but if the carrier is to be shared with a different sized adult you will have to learn to adjust the fitting of the buckles. Many models come with sleep hoods. They are suitable for babies from about three-months-old until well into toddlerhood although some makes have the ability to adapt to use with a smaller baby.

Some makes come in a beautiful range of fabrics, while others are more utilitarian in style.

Mei Tais

Mei Tais are a traditional type of Asian baby carrier. They consist of a shaped piece of fabric to fit around the baby's body with long straps at the base and the top. The lower pair of straps tie around the wearer's waist and the top pair are crossed over the wearer's body, brought forward to cross over the baby's bottom and then tied around the wearer's waist.

Mei tais can be used on the wearer's front or back, and, as the weight is spread across both shoulders, they are very comfortable for long periods and with heavier babies. They can be used by different sized adults without any adjustments, and are suitable for babies with good head control until well into toddlerhood.

Most mei tais come in a sumptuous range of fabric designs but plainer ones are available if that is what you prefer. They are very easy to use and often it is possible to order a custom design with a fabric of your choice.

Mei tai pricing depends on many factors. From the very popular widely available brands with a reasonable price tag to the full custom designs using luxury fabrics and individual finishes with a price tag to match.

Ring Slings

A ring sling is a length of fabric with two rings sewn in at one end. The other end of the material is threaded through the rings like a belt to form a pocket for the baby with a tail of fabric hanging down. Ring slings are worn over the shoulder like pouch slings and have the same variety of carries, but the rings allow for adjust-ability in different positions and for different wearers.

The baby can be carried easily on your hip or on your front.

They come in a range of fabrics, can be padded or unpadded, and some are frankly stunning for special occasions. Learning to adjust the rings for a comfortable fit can take a bit of practice - the rings are meant to sit just below your collarbone. And, like the pouch slings, they place all the weight on one shoulder.

Ring Slings have a variety of different shoulders. Finding out which shoulder style works for you can be key in finding a comfortable ring sling.

Pouches

A pouch sling is a simple tube of fabric with one half folded inside the other to form a pocket which is worn across the body like a sash. It allows a baby to be carried in a variety of positions, lying across the body in a cradle position, upright facing in, and sitting on the parent's hip. It can be used from birth to toddlerhood by altering the carry position, and allows an older baby to have arms and legs outside the sling.

Pouches are made in a variety of materials from cuddly fleece to cool linen and are quite cheap in comparison to other types of sling. They are also quick to master, easy to put on in a hurry, and pack up small to carry in a change bag. Unfolded, they can be used as car seat or buggy blankets, especially the fleece types. They place all the weight on one shoulder, which can get tiring for long periods with an older baby.

As pouches are sized it may not be possible to share one pouch with someone else.

Warning About Bag-Style Baby Slings

Bag-style slings, as their name suggests, resemble large shoulder bags with a deep pocket for the baby to lie or sit in, an elasticated opening and a strap designed to be worn over the sling user's shoulder, or across the body.

We recommend you stay well clear of such products!

These slings have been implicated in far too many infant deaths by suffocation. They have been directly linked to three deaths of very young babies across the USA in the past two decades, and 11 more infant deaths are under investigation. The sling using community, alerted by the pioneering research work of sling safety campaigner M'liss Stelzer, has been actively warning against their use for some time.

The warning has now been heeded in the USA, where the US Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) has raised the alarm about the safety of bag-style slings. One brand is now the subject of a product recall and it is to be hoped other manufacturers producing this type will be encouraged to withdraw them from sale in the future.

While bag-style slings may appear at first sight similar to pouches and ring slings, the pocket for the baby to sit or lie in is far deeper. The shape of the bag makes it very easy to place the baby in a curved position with his chin tucked against his chest, constricting his airways and giving rise to the risk of positional asphyxia.

The risk is heightened by the depth of the pocket as the fabric may cover the baby's face, and the design may compress his face against the sling wearer's body, further increasing the likelihood of suffocation. As the pocket is so deep, and the sling is designed to be worn low on the body, the sling user may not be aware of any distress signals from the baby until it is too late.

In a true pouch or ring sling the pocket formed by the fabric is far shallower, the sling is positioned high on the user's body, and the baby's face should be visible and close to the sling wearer's face at all times.

If you have or are given a bag-style sling we urge you not to use it, sell it or even give it away, unless it be to be for the purpose of demonstrating its dangers. Much the best thing you could do would be to destroy it by cutting it up to ensure it can never be used to carry a baby.

Sadly, the announcement by the US CSPC has caused confusion in some quarters, with some reports believing the warning extends to all slings. This is not so, and traditional pouches, ring slings, wraps, mei tais and soft structured carriers are, and always have been safe for use with your baby so long as you follow the guidelines on correct positioning.

Broadly speaking, you should keep your baby snug to you, close enough to kiss her head, with her chin clear of her chest to avoid any constriction of her airways, and her back fully supported. Her nose and mouth should be free of any obstruction.

Baby Sling Resources

As with everything you buy for your baby a sling is something that you need to consider very carefully. Research is especially important with a product which is going to bear the weight of a child. Here are a few important points to bear in mind when deciding what and where to buy:

When buying second hand, make sure you ask about the condition of the item, and where possible, buy a brand that you have heard recommended before.

When something appears to be too good to be true it often is. Make sure you are not buying an inferior quality counterfeit item by purchasing from a reputable retailer.

A good seller will never mind you asking questions about the safety of a product or their liability insurance.

Before using a sling make sure that it looks secure. It should have no holes, loose threads or stitching coming undone.

If you have a sling and you are unsure of its safety ask someone else to check it over before using it. Your child is precious, and although most slings are safe and made by people who know what they are doing, as with any products you use for your child, you need to be certain. It is better to be safe than sorry.

Internet retailers selling a variety of slings and sling accessories:

Sling makers retailing their own brand of slings:

Common Questions

Before you start using a sling you are almost certain to have some questions. They may be worries about your baby's ability to breathe in a carrier, or doubts about everyday practicalities, such as coping with the weather.

Below are questions that crop up repeatedly, together with a selection of answers and advice from a group of experienced sling users.

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Benefits of Carrying your Baby in a Sling The benefits of using a sling or carrier with your baby are numerous and can be equally positive for all the members of the family, not just baby and parents, but older brothers and sisters, grandparents, and other relations too.

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Child car seat safety advice and information to keep your children safe when they travel.

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Adam Miconi, Ryan Steinbeigle, National Center on Shaken Baby syndrome, Period of PURPLE Crying

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The Period of PURPLE Crying is the phrase used to describe the time in a baby's life when they cry more than any other time.

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This article discusses:
Ups and downs in relationships after having a baby
Decisions about parenting after childbirth
Physical relationships
Communication
Wider relationships
Time together and for yourself
Further information

The change from a couple to a family of three, or possibly more, can be one of the biggest transformations you face when you become a parent.

While there are challenges in bringing up a baby - during the first year in particular - some couples grow stronger as they find a new respect for each other as parents and share experiences that bind them together. It can help to deal with any relationship problems you face after having a baby as they happen.

Ups and downs in relationships after having a baby

One of the biggest factors leading to tension and issues in relationships after childbirth is tiredness. Lack of sleep can have a huge impact on day-to-day life and it's useful to consider options for managing this. For example, when sleep deprivation kicks in, one parent may need to take some time sleeping in another room to catch up.

New parents are often short of time too. The hours previously used for socialising, relaxing and domestic tasks can be sharply reduced, and this can change the dynamics of a relationship.

Money - or lack of it - can also be a cause of stress for couples. For many new parents, adjusting to life on a reduced income or one salary can be especially challenging. Often, there are emotional issues underpinning money rows, such as the loss of financial independence or feeling the pressure of having to provide for the family.

One partner may also be adjusting to life at home with a baby rather than being at work. It can help to recognise the underlying issues fuelling the tension and try to address that.

One, two, three

With a first baby, the arrival can mean that two people who were the most important ones in each other's lives now have a third (or more with twins or multiples) very important person to think about. Some parents find this transition difficult, struggling with the fact they are no longer at the forefront of their partner's mind.

Partners can feel sidelined as mum concentrates on their child. Equally, some women may feel like they disappear as everyone focusses on the new baby. Mum may feel that her role is to simply care and feed rather than be a partner or person in her own right.

It's important to acknowledge how roles might change and how this can make both parents feel. It's also helpful to talk through each other's day together to find out what's been positive or challenging and gain an understanding of the other's day.

Decisions about parenting after childbirth

Some parents find that they have different views on parenting which can cause conflict. It can be easy for one parent to become the 'expert' and undermine the other's confidence.

It helps to discuss each other's views and try to develop a joint approach. Accepting that you may have different ways of looking after your baby is also important. Just because you do things differently doesn't mean that one way is right or wrong.

Physical relationships

The physical side of a relationship can also change dramatically - thanks to exhaustion, dealing with the physical and emotional impact of the birth, and the demands of life with a newborn. It can take time to feel like having sex again after birth.

A positive approach is patience, a sense of humour, understanding, and a willingness to find new ways of expressing physical affection until you both feel ready to have sex again.

Communication

Open and honest communication is vital in any relationship - and especially for new parents.

If there is tension:

Make time to talk when you're both feeling calm.

Listen and try to understand your partner's perspective.

Avoid criticism or blame.

Postnatal depression (PND) can affect both mums and dads - and have a big impact on relationships. If you think that you or your partner is suffering from depression, then supporting each other and finding help is really important.

Wider relationships

The birth of a baby may bring some relationships with friends and family closer than you expect, and others may become more distant or challenging.

Many parents find friends and family will offer advice and opinions - sometimes unasked for and sometimes in conflict with your own parenting ideas. If you disagree with the advice being offered, it can help to focus on the fact that it is usually well meaning and that it's up to you to decide whether to take onboard the advice given.

For many parents the support that may be offered by grandparents, other relations, friends and even neighbours can be invaluable. Social support can be hugely beneficial to a parent's emotional well-being in the postnatal period so don't be afraid to ask for or accept help.

Time together and for yourself

Looking after yourselves as a couple and as individuals is important. It may be simplistic but if you are happy you are more likely to be happy in your role as a parent too.

Make time for yourselves as a couple - maybe try to fit or adapt some of the things you used to enjoy together into your new life, such as watching a DVD or having a takeaway.

Take some time out with friends or on your own, doing something you enjoy or find relaxing.

Remember that help is available - whether it's from NCT or your own social and family networks.

It will be a learning curve in the first few weeks and months, but with the right support, you can work it out together.

Further information

Our support line offers practical and emotional support with feeding your baby and general enquiries for parents, members and volunteers: 0300 330 0700.

You might find attending one of NCT's Early Days groups helpful as they give you the opportunity to explore different approaches to important parenting issues with a qualified group leader and other new parents in your area.

Make friends with other parents-to-be and new parents in your local area for support and friendship by seeing what NCT activities are happening nearby.

Relate, a charity which specialises in supporting relationships, has information on coping with a new baby.

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Changes in your relationships after having a baby

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This article discusses: Ups and downs in relationships after having a baby Decisions about parenting after childbirth Physical relationships Communication Wider relationships Time together and for yourself Further information The change from a couple to a family of three, or possibly more, can be one of the biggest transformations you face when you become a parent.

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Having a baby is usually a happy event, but it's also a major milestone that forces changes on your lifestyle and relationship.

Adding a baby into your family dynamic can stir up issues and test you to the limit. It's normal to feel unsettled and adjusting to the new situation can naturally put a strain on your relationship.

Research shows that many parents feel less satisfied with their relationship after a baby, at least in the short-term. This isn't surprising, since both partners are probably tired, anxious and emotional. You may also be worried about issues like money and loss of freedom, or you may be just generally overwhelmed by new responsibilities.

Becoming a parent can also bring up difficult memories. It might help to talk to each other about your own experiences of being parented, your expectations, and any feelings you haven't yet shared. Understanding each other can help you to be more realistic and prepared for the ups and downs of parenthood.

Less time for each other

A new baby means extra work and less time for each other. It can be hard to find time alone just to talk and support each other, or to go out as a couple.

As your identity shifts from 'partner' to 'parent', it can feel like a threat to your relationship, particularly for dads. You may even feel jealous of the mum's new closeness with the baby. Mothers may also feel left out once the baby is a little older and the initial intensity fades.

Lack of sleep... and sex

Lack of sleep can leave you feeling permanently exhausted, vulnerable and emotional, so it's easy to react badly to each other or the baby.

Many couples find their sex lives disrupted, at least in the short term. New mothers often feel too tired and not sexy. Some feel unattractive because of post baby weight, still sore, or afraid sex will be painful. New fathers can then feel rejected and isolated.

Men can also feel differently after childbirth. They often worry about their partner's physical and emotional changes and are frightened of hurting them. Or they may worry about another pregnancy and the responsibility that goes with it.

Breastfeeding also has an impact. It's usually very tiring and some women say they feel their breasts belong to their baby now. Breastfeeding can lead to temporary physical changes in lubrication that can also make sex painful. Men may need time to adjust to breastfeeding too.

There are no hard and fast rules about how long it should take for both partners to be interested in sex again. Even when the desire returns, you may find other things like the baby crying and needing to be fed, get in the way. You might also both be worried that things will never get back to how they were. Talk openly about your feelings and keep reminding each other that this is only temporary.

A new baby in a stepfamily

If you're already in a stepfamily, a new baby can affect several already fragile relationships. Children may be afraid that their father or mother won't love them as much anymore, but a stepchild may also be afraid that they will not be as good as their mum or dad's new baby. Half-brothers and sisters need a lot of reassurance, whatever their age.

Babies love anyone who seems interested in them and, as the only member of the family with no 'baggage', the new baby can help to make things work - especially if you encourage half-brothers and sisters to get involved.

There can also be issues when it's a first baby for one parent and not the other. If you're a new parent in an established family, it's natural to feel jealous or resentful if your partner seems to know more about parenting than you do. Even reassuring advice can come across as criticism, so make sure you both tread carefully.

Looking after yourself and your own needs

Talking things through with each other can help to take the pressure off. Try to understand each other's feelings and points of view. It's much better to talk about things calmly when they come up, rather than letting them build up.

Talk to friends and family, particularly those who have been in a similar situation to yours. Sometimes it helps to offload and they may also have helpful suggestions that you hadn't yet considered.

You can't always have it all - talk to your partner about your priorities in life. Reducing your hours, or getting more expensive and reliable childcare can have a financial impact but could ease pressure in other ways. And remember, things should get easier when the children are older and childcare is less demanding.

For more information, see our article on why having a baby doesn't have to hurt your relationship.

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Common problems for couples with a new baby - The Couple Connection

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Having a baby is usually a happy event, but it's also a major milestone that forces changes on your lifestyle and relationship. Adding a baby into your family dynamic can stir up issues and test you to the limit. It's normal to feel unsettled and adjusting to the new situation can naturally put a strain on your relationship.