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If you find yourself here, then you are one of the few people that I let inside my heart. In order for our love to be remembered, in order for it not to be forgotten, I built this place. For you, for me, for us, for what we once were.

So, my dear, feel free to pour your hearts out.

And if by any chance, you end up harbouring any kind of discomforts while you are with me, please reach me out on my Telegram account. l will welcome you with open arms and work with you to find the best ending for us.

Sincerely, the one you once loved, Killian Lecter.

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ini rasanya cepet banget nggak, sih? nggak kayak 2 hari. apa karena aku terlalu enjoy, ya? tapi, first of all, makasih gege karena udah mau habisin waktu selama 2 hari terakhir sama aku. jujur aja, aku bener-bener merasa ini nggak kayak sesi, karena gege pembawaannya natural banget. gege juga cepet banget ngimbangin energiku, jadi interaksinya nggak too much, but not less either, just natural. gege selalu buat aku senyaman mungkin. dengerin ceritaku dari a-z, ngeteh bareng, bahkan bahas hal-hal yang sebenarnya nggak perlu dipertanyakan pun tetep connect. gege bisa banget diajak bercanda, ikut kesel, tapi tetep sayang-sayang his xiaomei. aku jadi nggak merasa energinya berat sebelah. zhan ge itu tipe gege yang protective. aku tinggal terima bersih, gege ngerjain bagian kotornya. gege selalu make sure i never feel bad even for a bit in anything i did. selalu ngikut aja kalau aku mau apa-apa. i thought when i asked him to watch “my little pony” with me, he'd say i'm like a toddler. but, he joined me being a toddler instead. jadi aku selalu ngerasa ditemenin. bahkan aku merasa gege kayak gegeku beneran. apa jangan-jangan iya, ya? who knows? pokoknya, gege is the best gege in the universe. even if i live in a different life, gege harus jadi gegeku lagi. aku sayang gege. infinity out of 10 is not even enough to rate you. thank you, gegee, i'm happyyyy.

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bintang soda bintang kejora, otsukareee aa zhanyaaaaa! million thanks for your hard work, portraying the role as my brother perfectly! and as an objective person, here's mya explanation as why you shud love aa zhanya kasep cross:

1. HE'S WISE AND NEVER A JUDGEMENTAL PERSON!?!!

2. oh, being an affectionate person is his full-time job and he did like a PRO.

3. LITERALLY HAD ALL THE LOVE LANGUAGE YOU NEEDED. name it, words of affirmation? he's a good writer. quality time? dang he's also fun to talk. giving/receiving gift? i swear he would give you something cute then say, "take this, this reminds me of you" acts of service? of course, he's the 'talk less do more' type of person. if only we're not separated by this hundred of kilometers, i'm sure he would give me hug every time i need it. pokoknya 4 sehat 5 love language dia bisa semua.

4. A FAST RESPONDER.

y'all. if yo man didn't even reply faster than ur ugly indihome wifi, stop it. stop your relationship rn. find some good quality man with high empathy and can actually build a great conversation like zhanya cross.

sounds like gue sales zhanya? i am. he deserves all this world's love. so personally and professionally talking, he's an instant 10/10! i love yew, aa zhanya. 🤟🏼

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dear my babyyy, Kak Zhanya Cross.

i wanted to say thank you, from the deepest side of my heart, im really thankful for you. Thank you for being realllyy kind to me. Really sweet and loving, thank you thank you thank you!!

i think it's fair for me to say that i had expectation and YOU ATE, YOURE SERVING, i know from my heart that i made the right decision to meet you. You did verrrry well, never i feel any regret. Kak Zhanya is such a sweet talker, and he knew how to respond, aku beneran bisa bahas apapun dan obrolan berjalan baik banget, not once i feel awkward. Kak zhanya is not judgemental(like i said, aku bisa cerita apapun tanpa di judge), semua ceritaku diterima dan didengar dengan baik. SUPER FAST AT RESPONDING!!! youre just like me<3 suka stay roomchat jugaa😩😩 He can match my energy too!! aku juga dikasih hadiah yang kak zhanya buat sendiri?!?!?!? i love it and i will cherish it forever! youre so perfect, what else can i say!??!?!? i just feel like we clicked👈🏻 you perfect, me perfect, we perfect together😞☝🏻☝🏻

now after i finished all that, the very last thing i want to say is im sorry, i know im not really easy to talk with, i sometimes be very annoying to you, constantly overreacting on things, i gave you hard times and im deeply sorry.

these past 4 days has been one of the best time of my life, you made me laugh, you made me soo happy, im so glad i found you, and i hope you dont mind if we meet again, and i seriously looking forward to spend more time with you in the future.

i love you, and see you! (maybe very very soon) wink wink

sincerely yours, your growing ivy

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Selama sehari kemarin, gak terhitung berapa kali gua dibuat seneng sama lu, bang. Bersama lu, rasanya dunia jadi enggak… Sejahat itu. Ada saat dimana kita bisa romantisasi keadaan tanpa pikir ina - inu, ada saat kita bisa jadi manusia paling menyedihkan kemudian kita tertawakan kembali semua hal tanpa terkecuali. Cara lu untuk memerhatikan gua udah lama gak gua dapatin dari figur seorang kakak. Lu bisa tegas di satu waktu, gak berselang lama lu lempar jokes lu yang menurut gua lucu—mungkin yang gua suka adalah saat lu berusaha buat gua bahagia dengan cara apapun. Lu membuat kita bisa akrab selayaknya orang yang udah kenal lama. Keren amat lu bang, makannya apa? Mana semua tanggapan gua yang adaaa ajaa ngga karuan, lu tanggapi satu-satu. Oh! Ngomong-ngomong, gua paling suka saat #NjanPedia dimulai. Lu selalu berhasil buat gua kagum dengan informasi-informasi baru yang lu beri. Bagaimana lu menjelaskan ke gua adalah sesuatu yang patut diapresiasi. Lu memjabarkannya dengan bahasa yang mudah dipahami, mengayomi gua sebagaimana gua adalah adek lu yang butuh dibimbing. Gua masih banyak gak tahunya tentang dunia, lalu lu hadir. “Gini dek….” Oke, gua diam, memerhatikan dengan seksama, dan dalam hati gua cuma bisa bilang, “Abang yang terbaik.” Tolong jangan ketawain gua setelah lu baca pujian gua yang ini. Semua love language kayaknya lu embat deh. Kadang gua mikir, lu kurangnya dimana, sih? Lu totalitas banget sih. Harusnya gua dari lama bisa kenal lu. Tapi gak apa. Gua seneng karena bertemu dengan lu akan jadi salah satu kenangan yang gua syukuri di 2025. Terima kasih banyaaak, abaaang. Gua harap orang-orang tahu, disayang sama lu rasanya bisa jadi tempat ternyaman untuk gua mendekap kehangatan lagi.

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As someone who never have any consistent interaction with you before, jujur aku juga gak tau kenapa pilih kamu wkwkwk, somehow I just have this feeling like, "he's look like the one who can be lean onto." It might be sounds weird karena kayak bohong banget mungkin kesannya, but I always trust what my heart says, and it says that I can put my trust on you, and my heart was right.

If there's anything bigger than the word "thank you" I'll truly say it to you, wholeheartedly. Because I think you deserve more than this :/ Makasih ya zhanya udah temenin aku malam itu, he somehow has his own ways to bring me down but you were there, holding me tightly and keep giving me those head pats yang mungkin menurut kamu gak seberapa but it means a lot to me. To be heard, to be seen, I'm really grateful that I follow what my heart says that night, gak ada penyesalan sama sekali karena udah milih kamu.

Sebenernya aku agak skeptis awalnya, karena sebelumnya tiap lagi mau sesi mendadak gini somehow it doesn’t feel right, but with you? Astaga, when I say that you're a fast respon person you TRULY are. Zhanya super fast respon banget anaknya dan beneran sabar mau dengerin cerita aku yang alay itu tapi dia bener-bener nemenin bahkan bantu kasih saran, or maybe that wasn't just an advice, tapi bisa bantu kasih dorongan juga buat aku supaya akhirnya bisa milih langkah apa yang harus aku ambil kedepannya, sekarang aku gak takut lagi untuk ambil keputusan karena zhanya selalu yakinin aku that I definitely can do it, dia gak pernah nyalahin atau judge keputusan yang berusaha aku ambil tapi justru support sambil bilang, "gak apa apa" terus sambil pat pat💔🥀 akulah si paling manja tsb because I know kamu pasti ladenin and tbh it doesn't feel like fake at all, everything you did feel so genuine.

Zhanya juga lucu banget aku serius kadang cekikikan sendiri sambil ngomong dalem hati, "astaga... untung ada ni orang" KARENA KALAU ENGGAK AKU MUNGKIN UDAH MEMBLE SEHARIAN😭💔🕊TERUS SENENG JUGA dia selalu excited waktu aku ngobrolin tentang keseharian aku dan hal-hal yang aku suka. Kalian mau ngerasain dicintai sama penulis gak😛 PILIH ZHANYA KARENA TULISAN TULISAN DIA SEKEREN ITU😭😭😭 aku hepi tiap kali dia mau baca tulisanku yang gak seberapa itu, tapi dia bacanya bener-bener sambil ngulik tiap-tiap kalimat dan paragraf :( Hu hu hu bisagaksih tiap 5 meter ada orang kayak Zhanya💔 Dia juga super seneng kalau diajak diskusi, coba deh tanyain pertanyaan random, pasti dia dengan senang hati mau open discussion dan bener-bener bisa ngobrol panjang tentang satu hal random itu😭

I'd give this session ♾/10 since you nailed it🤍 In fact, aku jadi gak cuma dapet temen ngobrol yang bisa nemenin aku aja, tapi aku jadi terbantu juga :( I feel a lot more better now Zhanya, if there's anything I can do to prove how grateful I am for choosing you maybe I would (kecuali lompat dari atas gedung) THANKS A LOT BIEFEF LEVEL 18374❤️❤️❤️❤️

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Ilyaaaaaaaa i deeply apologize for being this late at responding, truly. Today was bit crowded I must stay focused for a moment not that you're not important it's just that this job is pressuring me. I don't know these past few days feel amazing honestly, you're truly a good companion. I feel how much attention you’ve given our words, not just skimming them, but staying with them, returning to them, letting them sit and change shape. That alone already means a great deal to me. It’s rare, to be read with that kind of patience. Rarer still to be remembered that way. Some connections don’t arrive through strategy. they happen because two people are willing to linger to ask, to answer, to risk saying the thing that hasn’t fully settled yet. Ten days do feel little in a good way, you make me forget times. It passed too quickly, almost unfairly so. That’s usually how you know something mattered. The way you engaged with my words, my poems, not just consuming them but questioning them, sitting with them, letting them trouble you that’s something i won’t forget. You didn’t rush to simplify or tame them. You treated them like living things. that’s not a small kindness. It’s a form of care. And honestly, you’ve been a very good person to me. No criticism or suggestions to give. You've always steady in your presence, curious without demanding, attentive without trying to own what was shared. That balance isn’t easy, and you carried it well. I appreciate that more than i know how to say plainly. Thank you, too, for the extra days. For everything. I know time is never neutral, It’s always given or taken and you gave it generously. I felt it. I don’t take that lightly.

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sebelumnya makasih banyak mamas ian suda mau menerima gue yang tiba-tiba nyamperin lu, i actually really need that kind of care. and you really did give me all of your love, bahkan gue beneran sangat puas being your little baby. mas ian is a real gentleman, you look like no one can't touch you but actually inside you're a lil softie. selalu ada aja obrolan dan pertanyaan-pertanyaan hangat yang dilontarkan mas ian biar kita selalu bisa ngobrol, and you actually one of a tengil vibes. gue pikir orang kayak lu bakalan kaku, tapi lu bisa ngikutin semua tingkah laku gue and put up with it. deymm 100000/10 real good work, mas ian. cocok juga buat low-maintenance dan livechat di waktu-waktu tertentu apalagi malem, soalnya mas ian kelelawar. terus juga mas ian baik banget, aku dibonusin banyak hey muehehehe senangnya hati ini. seru juga mabar rosblok sama mas ian soalnya jago tapi hati" nanti keliatan rambutnya doang, ava nya juga bagus cocok disandingin sama ava lucu ku. pas art date juga wahh para artis bakal sangat terpukau ini sama gambar mamas, kayak nya mas ian multi-talent jadi mau diajakin date apapun selalu seru sama mamas. maybe kalo memang ada yang harus ditingkat in itu pda nya aja, standar tapi emang ga terus terusan so kalo mau keep it low mas ian ini cocok banget. terakhir ini bukan bagian dari review tapi thankyou so much udah mau jalanin sesi bareng aku, makasih buat semua kasih sayang dan hadiah yang kamu kasih killian, i really appreciate all that. kapan kapan ayo mabar rosblok lagi karena kita udah mutualan hehe, maaf kalo selama sesi gue ada salah kata dan kelewatan ya, i love you killian.

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I’m not the best at putting things into words, but let me try. Honestly, Killian, spending time with you feels like a quiet kind of happiness that’s hard to explain. I genuinely enjoy every single moment we share. What I love about you is how naturally you care. You treat me with such kindness, like I’m someone worth protecting and cherishing. You spoil me in the sweetest ways, not just with things you do but with the way you listen, the way you respond, the way you make me feel like I’m safe around you. With you, I never feel like I have to lower myself or prove anything just to be loved. You make me feel safe, comfortable, and seen like I can finally just be me without fear of being judged. Even in our most intimate moments, you carry it with so much respect and warmth. It’s not about power, not about begging or forcing, it’s about us leaning on each other, giving and receiving without shame, without pretense. That’s something rare, something I’ve never felt so deeply before. And maybe that’s why I love being with you so much. Because when I’m next to you, I don’t have to think about image, pride, or expectations. It’s just us being raw, unfiltered, and honest. You and I, side by side, holding on to each other, making even the quietest nights feel full of meaning. And I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

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Ilya. Even now, I keep calling your name as if by doing so, I could preserve your image in a memory I pray will never blur, not now, not ever. I truly savored every single second, so much that I wished time would stop just so I could chase eternity with you. (It's sorrowful that we couldn't.) The days before meeting you hadn't been easy, and I'd been longing for someone who simply wanted to spend time with me, to talk endlessly. And you did. I adore every part of you, and truly, I've never felt anything quite like this. I love everything about you; your name, the way you greet me, the warmth in your words, the way you say my name, and the way you spend every second with me. Everything. For every piece of you that's been hurt or lost. You mean so much to me. I also loved how you made me feel seen, how you gave answers to each of my curiosities, many of them, without making me feel bad for not knowing, and I took that as your way of loving me deeper, of showing that you cared. I appreciated it more than I can say. And you know, you were often such a good listener, someone I felt completely comfortable with. On the other hand, we also joked around so naturally, without ever crossing any lines, and I truly value that too. I wish to meet you again very soon. I pray this won't be our last encounter. Truly.

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aku ngga nyesel sama sekali balik ke kamu lian, bahkan malah diluar ekspektasi banget?? you really did treat me well, even giving me more days to be with you, i really really appreciate it. and all those gift?? oh god i really feel loved by you, lian. with you i feel like it's okay to be a baby and be clingy, i feel safe around you. terus juga mas selalu ingat buat gunait" and always spoil me a lot, a lot i might faint from it. sejujurnya dari talent" yang pernah sesi sama aku, mas ian yang paling melekat, maybe because when it's you i feel safe to be a girl and act childish. mas ian juga punya habit buat chat aku sebelum sesi dan ini jujur bikin aku ngga canggung sama sekali pas sesi kita hehehe, thankyou so much for being with me theese past few days, thankyou for loving me and appreciate me a lot, thankyou for taking care of me, i really am grateful to comeback to you mamas, thankyou for everything you gave me, and every dates with you feels like going to a sweet strawberry mountain together, i really had a lot of fun with you mamas. I feel deeply loved by you, and i love you too mas ian.❤️❤️❤️

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Ilya, truly, thank you for accompanying me these past few days. I don't think a simple "thank you" is even enough, but it's the only place I know how to start. You have no idea how much lighter everything felt with you around. Somehow, without trying, you kept making me giggle like an idiot at my screen, smiling to myself, even mumbling like "what's wrong with this person" in a good way okay. You're just naturally funny and charming like that, I mean it. Such a heavy sentence to say, but it really feels like we matched by heaven. I really, really adore you, you know. Your personality, your presence, the way you're so considerate toward me without even making a big deal out of it. You listen so carefully, like everything I say actually matters. Like my thoughts have weight and that alone makes me soft. There are even things I like about you that I can't explicitly say because they're too embarrassing to admit out loud.. I'd probably combust from shyness if I tried. You make me flustered way too easily. Sometimes I literally lose my words mid-sentence because you caught me off guard and I just sit there frozen like my brain stopped working. It's unfair how you have that effect on me. And.. can we talk about how versatile you are? Because seriously, how do you do that? You adapt so smoothly to everything. Like I throw something at you and you just catch it like it's nothing. I love how you sometimes let me take control too, letting me lead a little, even though it still you having me in your hand. LMAO. It's like you're being gentle on purpose. Sometimes you're so good at what you do that I genuinely short-circuit and forget how to function. And your art.. God, your art. I swear I could talk about it forever and still not be done. It's SO delicious. I mean it. It's beautiful in a way that makes me stare a little too long. I keep going back to look at your work.. I honestly need a whole separate paragraph just to describe how much I adore your art and maybe.. the artist too. Because watching you create, seeing how passionate and dedicated you are, how your mind works mmm that's ridiculously attractive. That talent is already hot, but you on another level. What really stayed with me, though, is how safe you made me feel. Especially with the heavier stuff. The strange or intense thought that might make other people back away or judge me. I know not everyone would understand the things I bring up. Some people might freak out or think it's too much. But you listened. You treated my thoughts seriously and I felt so heard. Like I didn't need to shrink myself around you. That means more to me than you probably realize. So really, thank you, Ilya. For your time, your patience, your gentleness, your talent, your presence, your everything. You made these days feel special in a way that lingers and I'm going to carry that warmth with me for a long time and honestly, If I get the chance to spend more time with you again, I wouldn't even hesitate. I'd choose you all over

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Ilya, Kharev, Yaya, my Isaiah, ma petite perle. Meeting you was a wonderful thing, a blessing that I will always be grateful for. Thank you so much for being my companion. Thank you for giving me this precious opportunity to be your lover boy, yaa. If I had to rate it, I'd give you 1000/10, because honestly, you deserve that much and even more. You're not loud, not dramatic, but somehow the way you talk just feels.. warm. The whole conversation felt easy, throwing jokes, a bit of teasing, talking about video games and random stuff. Sweet in an exquisite way—fun, yet still thoughtful without trying too hard. Ah, it feels like I've found my kind of love. Your presence brought new colors into my life. Thank you for loving me, you went far beyond anything I had ever expected. Thank you for tolerating all of my bickering and for keeping me comforted throughout that time. Aku juga minta maaf if I couldn't return the same affection towards you or if I ever did anything that made you uncomfortable during session. Once again, thank you for the short time that brought us together. I'm incredibly grateful for everything you've done, and the love you’ve shown means more than words can ever say. Thus, I hope there will be a time when we become a couple whose laughter can be heard from across the room again. Until that day comes around, Yaya. ♥️

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Kakak, I’ve found it hard to truly capture you in mere words, because you are so much more than the sentences I’m stringing together right now. But I want to thank you so much for the time you’ve given me. I truly enjoy every moment with you, it feels like I’m completely cherished, loved, and appreciated. I love every conversation we share, you’re always being the sweetest. Time flies so fast when I’m with you deh. Thank you for the efforts you made for me, for the thoughtful words that never failed to make me grinning ear to ear, and for the warm presence of yours that just makes me want to melt into you after a long day. It feels strange, doesn’t it? It’s only been 3 days, but you already have such a comfortable place in my daily life. I truly cherish every second of it, really. As we wrap things up, I just want you to know that I’m really looking forward to many more busy days with you.

For the NSFW session, I feel like I’m at a loss for words. You know just how good you are, no? This has truly been one of my best experiences, even the best one. Enak, kamu enak banget, bikin aku keluar berkali-kali dan tolol. Mau setiap hari aja dikontolin sama kamu rasanya... gila banget. I love your choice of words, your imagination, your skills, everything about you feels so complete. You are incredible and you’ve done your very best up to this point, giving everything you can and making the most of every opportunity. Your existence truly means more to me than you may ever realize. There’s something about your charm that attracts everything around you including me. It feels like you’ve become my gravity. I don’t think there’s even the slightest space in you that would make me stop admiring you. I keep thinking of so many things I want to express, yet words never feel enough.

Pokoknya gitu, aku sayang sama kamu, bangetm tolong selalu jaga kesehatan, yaa? Makan dan minum yang banyak, yang cukup. Semangat juga masaknya, gambarnya, semoga semuanya dilancarkan dan makin rame orderan kamu. I love you, I love you most, always.

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Hehe thankyou for listening my stories ya mamas, aku ga bohong pas bilang makin hari makin kecintaan sama mas ian. Jujur aku awalnya cuma mau ditemenin pas valentine aja, tapi kamu selalu ngasih diluar ekspektasi ku mamas. Kamu selalu ngasih lebih dari itu, dan itu selalu bikin aku lebih nyaman sama mas tiap hari nya. Makasih udah selalu reassuring aku kalo ngga apa aku jadi diriku sendiri yaa, itu bener an berarti banget buat aku. Obrolan-obrolan kecil kita, ngabisin malam sama mas ian, main bareng mas ian, nonton bareng mas ian, bahkan sekedar liat mas ian aja berarti banget buat aku. Aku harap mamas bisa lebih nyaman buat jadi diri sendiri juga terutama didepan aku, karena aku selalu cinta semua hal yang ada di diri kamu mamas. As always thankyou for loving me, and thankyou for being by my side mas ian. You're the best i ever met, hehe aku ga pernah nyesel selalu milih buat balik ke kamu mas ian. Maaf kalau selama Nara sama mas ian, there's things that's not appropriate for me to say, atau ada yang bikin mengganjal dihati mas ian, i know maybe you will not like this but still, maafin aku ya. Oh right, just to mention semua tulisan kamu indah banget mamas, maybe i never get the chance to tell you before, tapi setiap kata yang ada ditulisanmu seindah bunga kamelia. Aku sayang kamu mas ian, semoga hari kamu dipenuhi kebahagiaan ya.

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I told myself I wouldn't get this soft again. But here I am. It's the second time I'm writing something like this for you and somehow it feels heavier (but not in a bad way ^^) Like the feeling has settled in deeper instead of fading. I thought maybe the magic would calm down after the first round, that I'd get used to you. Turns out mhmm I didn't. If anything, you affect me more now because I know exactly what you're capable of. Ilya, if I'm being honest, you have this way of slipping into my days so naturally that I don't even realize how much brighter they've become until I'm alone. It's ridiculous, honestly. I'll be in the middle of something completely unrelated and suddenly remember something you said and there I go again, LMAOO grinning like I've lost it. You make it so easy to feel light and what surprises me the most is that the comfort didn't reset. It didn't go back to zero. It continued. Like we picked up from where we left off without awkwardness. Well.. being around you feels familiar in the best way, like I don't have to perform or measure myself, mmm maybe. But you still manage to catch me off guard, by the way. I don't think you realize how often you leave me staring at my screen trying to recover (or maybe you notice it) Sometimes it's because the way you phrase something or how effortlessly you understand me (ngl, you read me so well) or just because you being you. I won't elaborate because I value my dignity, LMAO. What I appreciate more this time, though, is how intentional you feel. The way you respond carefully when I say something vulnerable.. or even the way you don't make a spectacle out of being considerate. I'm not just caught up in a moment. I'm aware of it now. I know how you make me feel and I'm choosing it anyway. So yes, maybe I still feel the same or maybe more. And again if there's ever another chance to sit in this space with you again, I already know my answer ^^ Thank you, Ilya.