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Building strong foundations for effective parenting does not just require understanding our children but also understanding ourselves and our own needs.

Sometimes our values and beliefs about parenting are so deep-rooted that we aren't even conscious of them. We may need to actively remind ourselves to question these ideas and ask ourselves whether they are really helpful in all  circumstances. Some may be less appropriate when parenting children who are care experienced, neuro-divergent or in distress.

It is important to try to make space in your day for reflection. This can be hard in a busy household but can pay off further down the line. It can also contribute to our own self care.

Take some time to think about each of the 4 Cs:

Compassion

Confidence

Curiosity

Connection

How supported do you feel with each of these? Try giving each one a score out of 5.

Are there particular things within and outwith the family that are getting in the way of the 4 Cs? What are these?

What action can you take to build your support network and tackle these barriers?

Parenting is not easy. What one thing can you say to yourself to show self compassion?

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If you are new to Padlet, you can simply start by reading the information in each column starting on the left and scrolling down the column to see each post. You can then move on to column two etc.

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What does parenting look like through these new lenses?

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What does parenting look like through these new lenses?

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There are a number of approaches to positive parenting that frequently recur across the parenting literature and can help to reduce family conflict and create a sense of relational safety for brothers and sisters. We introduce below a few of these. We offer them, not as answers to your challenges but as things to try out, reflect on and learn from. They will need to be adapted to suit the age, stage and circumstances of your children and young people. The approaches we look at here are:

Increasing parental presence

Structure and routine

Window of tolerance and emotional co-regulation

Low demand parenting

Making accommodations and building skills

Reducing competition between children

One thing these approaches have in common is they are not about fixing your child and their relationships with their siblings. As Heidi Mavis says 'your child is not broken'. Instead they are about adapting the world around brothers and sisters to allow them to flourish. Many of these ideas have relevance to more than one parenting lens. Don't worry too much about which lens you are using but rather whether or not it leads to a more harmonious family life. Keep in mind that these approaches work sometimes and not others. Don’t necessarily give up after one apparent failure. It might help next time. Stay curious.

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This resource has been produced to support adults who are parenting care experienced brothers and sisters.  When we refer to a ‘parent’ we mean anyone in a parenting role with a care experienced child or young person of any age. This includes adoptive parents, long term foster carers and kinship carers. The resource may also be of interest to biological parents and professionals though they are not our primary audience.

As a parent, you have a crucial role to play in promoting positive and safe relationships between brothers and sisters. This resource aims to provide you with information and tools to help relationships to flourish between siblings and other family members. We focus both on situations where siblings live together and where some or all siblings live apart.

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In part one we explored some of the experiences that children who have come into contact with the care system may have had and the possible impact of these throughout their lives. We now want to think more about how these experiences might impact on your parenting role, particularly when parenting siblings who live together.

While many care experienced children can thrive and achieve their personal goals with the support of a loving family or family-like relationships, they may also need more specialist parenting and professional input at certain times. Some things to consider:

·      Care experienced children will have faced particular stresses that other children have not. This might include experiencing neglect or witnessing violence towards a family member, exposure to drugs or alcohol in utero, loss of important relationships or attachment figures, living apart from brothers and sisters, attending stressful meetings where decisions are made for them and changes of living arrangements and school placement. These cumulative adversities can have a lasting impact on children's wellbeing and lead to heightened body and brain sensitivity to stresses.

·      Distress may be expressed by a child through concerning behaviours such as withdrawal, under/over-eating, self-harm, expressions of anger or running away, all of which take a toll on children, siblings and other family members.

·      The effects of adversity and trauma can present in different ways at different points of growing up.  Parents need support to anticipate and address the individual needs of children while acting in the best interests of all siblings.

·      On occasions an individual child’s needs may come into conflict with the needs of brothers and sisters in the same household or within the wider family network and difficult choices may have to be made by parents.

·      Being attuned to a child’s needs and emotions is hard to do on the spur of the moment. Parents need guidance, space to reflect and time, something which is often in short supply when parenting siblings.

·      Distress and dysregulation can easily spiral out of control when trauma is present and so it is important to prevent situations escalating or de-escalating them as soon as possible. Adults as well as brothers and sisters need help to recognise potential triggers (yes, we mean you).

·      In order to work out what works, when and for which child, parents need to take on board a lot of complex information about each child’s history, perspective, challenges and strengths and to make sense of this in their  parenting decisions. Disentangling all of this information requires support from trusted and informed friends, peers and professionals.

Above all, care experienced brothers and sisters and their parents should never be expected to cope alone.  Children’s struggles can bring the family into contact with a multitude of services. It is crucial that these services, supports and social institutions work in partnership with families in a co-ordinated way. This may be necessary into adulthood also.

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From our reading of the parenting literature four components have emerged that are key to successful family life, namely Compassion, Confidence, Curiosity and Connection. These are particular aspects of parenting that parents can focus on and that professionals should support and enable.

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What does a compassionate, confident, curious and connected parent tell themselves? 

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What does a compassionate, confident, curious and connected parent tell themselves? 

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We’re dealing with some big issues that aren’t easily sorted and would challenge the most experienced parent

These issues aren’t my fault and are not my children’s fault

We all deserve help and support with these challenges

I don't have all of the answers but I'm committed to finding better ways to help my children and I know we will get there

We’ve been through some tough times but always found a way through

I’ll get it wrong sometimes but that’s okay as I have everyone’s best interests at heart and will learn from this

I can make a positive difference for my children

I'm 100% committed to my children

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Compassion is “an empathic understanding of a person's feelings”.

In order to sensitively parent care experienced brothers and sisters who are in distress and living with the effects of adversity, trauma or loss, parents need support to tune in to their capacity for compassion and the head space to do this.

Compassion for care experienced brothers and sisters requires an appreciation of their current life and relationships and their future aspirations and an insight into their history. It involves listening closely to what children communicate through words and actions including expressions of emotions. This may have felt absent for children who have had decisions made on their behalf about who they live with, for how long and who they continue to have relationships with. Through compassion parents can find explanations for family struggles that fit comfortably for everyone and provide a way forward. As they mature, children will also be able to show compassion for distressed brothers and sisters with the help of the adults around them.

Compassion fatigue can be present where families have been struggling with too little support for some time. This should never be presented to families as a failing in the parent but instead a failure of the system of support.

Self-compassion is an essential first step in parents meeting the needs of brothers and sisters in their care. It involves acknowledging the magnitude of the challenges facing us in our parenting role and the emotions this can create such as feelings of frustration, despair and grief as well as gratitude and pride.

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Confidence in our ability to parent brothers and sisters can quickly become undermined when family life is challenging. Where confidence is low, parents can lose their ability to imagine a positive future for them and their children and feel disempowered to initiate change.

One of the most powerful things professionals can do to encourage confidence is to validate parents’ feelings through expressing empathy and avoiding any suggestion of blame. There is research evidence that parental blame can often be a feature of professional intervention leading to families feeling disempowered. Professionals have an important role to play in focusing on parenting strengths and creating a sense of agency and hope.

With confidence comes a feeling of self-efficacy, that is, a belief in our capacity to create positive outcomes for our family.

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Curiosity is a core skill of parenting, particularly when children have experienced adversity. There are rarely simple solutions when brothers and sisters have had difficult early experiences and families are in distress. Children often present with multiple challenges that require the adults around them to be openminded, to maintain a position of curiosity and to explore a range of solutions.

Parents of care experienced brothers and sisters need to be particularly reflective and empathic. Flexibility is also key when meeting the needs of more than one child in the household. It is important that professionals avoid offering quick ‘off-the-shelf’ solutions to families that are easy to administer but are a poor fit for the family’s needs. Instead they must bring the same curiosity into their practice.

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Affirming relationships between parents and children and positive relationships between brothers and sisters have the ability to provide a buffer for children who have experienced adversity and those who are living with the effects of trauma.

When children feel secure in relationships and regulated they will feel more able to be involved in problem solving and a more collaborative style of family life will be possible. Children will also be enabled to gradually take on responsibility for their own wellbeing as they mature.

Effective professional practice incorporates the idea of promoting relationship networks for families with a willingness to work alongside families.

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What is covered in the 'Parenting care experienced brothers and sisters' series of resources?

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What is covered in the 'Parenting care experienced brothers and sisters' series of resources?

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The 'Parenting care experienced brothers and sisters' resources are organised into two parts. This is part two and in this padlet we pay particular attention to siblings who are displaying distress or reduced wellbeing. We look at the particular challenges faced by children and their families and consider what might help families to thrive.

In part one we looked at the importance of sibling relationships for care experienced children and adults and ways that we can promote positive relationships between brothers and sisters whether they live together or apart.

You can dip in and out of the two padlets or read them in order if you prefer. Some sections may feel more relevant at certain points in your parenting journey or at different stages of family life.

The examples used in the padlets are based on real families' experiences but details and names have been changed to protect confidentiality.

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Throughout we use the terms 'brothers and sisters' and 'siblings' interchangeably. We acknowledge that some children and young people have expressed a preference for the term 'brothers and sisters' as 'siblings' is felt to be a professional term. At the same time, some children and young people prefer the term 'sibling' as it is gender neutral. Whichever term we use, it is intended to be respectful and inclusive of all forms of these relationships.

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Some of the material covered in these padlets may raise difficult emotions or memories for you. Please remember to look after yourself and seek help if you need to.

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This series of Padlets was developed by Adoption UK Scotland with the support of AFKA Scotland and through funding from The Promise Partnership. We are grateful to all families and professionals who contributed to the development of the resource.

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What might we see if brothers and sisters are in distress?

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What might we see if brothers and sisters are in distress?

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Many children and young people who are care experienced will be thriving in their current family arrangements but we are aware through research that children who have faced adversity are at higher risk of experiencing mental health issues, neuro-developmental challenges, complex trauma and difficulties with school, family relationships and friendships.

Some of the difficulties that might be a feature of family life when care experienced brothers and sisters are in distress include:

lots of conflict between family members throughout the day;

children being unable to sleep and keeping siblings as well as parents awake;

children withdrawing from family routines and refusing to leave their room affecting their parents' ability to support siblings' activities outside the home;

intense jealousy between brothers and sisters to the extent that children cannot be left alone together;

children feeling overwhelmed by family occasions such as birthdays;

children running away from home;

children being drawn towards risky behaviours.

These struggles are stressful for children and adults alike and can severely affect all family members’ quality of life. The resources that follow are intended to offer insights into these daily difficulties and some practical ideas to reduce distress for both children and adults. We approach this as both a siblings rights issue and a disability rights issue requiring public resources.

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Family relationships and wellbeing can be tricky to make sense of and when challenges come along it can be difficult to unpick the 'problem' and decide on the best parenting approach. Often problems are multi-facetted and no single approach on its own works.  It can help to look at the challenge from different perspectives and with different sets of spectacles or lenses to fully grasp what's going on for our children. Here we look at a number of possible lenses we can look through to understand our parenting challenge.

NB the behavioural lens is included here as it is commonly used in schools and families. However, using it requires careful consideration where neurodivergence and trauma are present.

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This approach to parenting assumes that children learn and adapt their behaviour through parents modelling correct behaviours and the use of rewards and consequences. Much of the parenting we see around us takes this form and so the techniques are pretty familiar to most parents. We might reward sitting nicely at the table for a family dinner or impose consequences for breaking a sibling's toy.

This approach can work sometimes for some children but becomes problematic when we use it just because it is expected of us rather than best for our family. It needs particularly careful consideration when children have neurodevelopmental differences or vulnerabilities such as autistic spectrum disorder, ADHD, complex trauma and in some situations can re-traumatise children by imposing an expectation that they should conform rather than recognising their need for adaptations. When the approach is ineffective it is important that the child or parent is not blamed or labelled lazy, awkward, or 'doing it wrong'. Encourage the people around you and your child to move beyond behaviour and use other lenses.

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This approach recognises that 'toxic stress' in the womb and in early childhood can have a detrimental impact on child development, particularly brain development. Experiencing an unsafe environment where needs are not met can heighten children’s threat responses such as fight, flight or freeze. A small disagreement between siblings might escalate quickly into a physical fight. It can be helpful to identify possible triggers for dysregulation and develop strategies to avoid or manage distress. This is not easy and may take lots of curiosity.

This lens also acknowledges the difficulties children can have with rational thinking when dysregulated and emphasises the importance of enabling a child to regulate emotions before moving on to higher level tasks such as social engagement and problem solving.

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This approach focuses on the importance of carer attunement and a safe base for children to feel confident to explore their environment and develop autonomy. Relational safety is known to be a strong protective factor for children affected by adversity. Where a child feels unsafe they may need a lot of their parent's attention and feel jealous when their brother or sister's needs are being met. They may present as bossy and controlling with siblings.

It is important to not get pulled into attachment patterns that meet the needs of one sibling but not another. This is particularly difficult when one child is noisily demanding and another is quietly withdrawn or hyper-independent. The quieter child may be masking their own struggles as a coping strategy.

The attachment lens also focuses attention on the need to address children’s experiences of loss and grief which are highly relevant to care experienced children including the loss of brothers and sisters.

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This approach acknowledges differences in the way individuals’ brains operate. For example, an autistic child may find it unhelpful to be expected to take in the whole education curriculum but thrive when allowed to focus on niche interests.  Some of the diagnoses that children with neurological differences may be given include Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD). Often care experienced children’s challenges do not fit neatly into one category and they are either given multiple diagnoses or no diagnosis despite significant day to day struggles.

A wide range of areas of daily functioning can be more challenging when a child is neurodivergent including social communication, ability to plan, initiating or moving on from activities, memory, learning, control of impulsivity.  This can significantly impact family life and lead to conflict between siblings. Identifying and being led by a child's brain preferences can free-up their mental capacity to function at their best and enjoy their relationships.

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Whatever the root of your child’s difficulties, working on parental presence is important. Often parents can be physically present, i.e. in the same room as our children, but psychologically or emotionally absent. This is inevitable from time to time in a busy household where there are lots of needs to meet and lots of things that have to be done so that family life runs smoothly. This practical and emotional work increases when parenting brothers and sisters.

It is important to try to give children your full attention when you can. It can be hard when one child demands a lot of your time. Your other child/ren might feel the need to “be seen” in bigger ways to get your attention or they may retreat to their own space. Where there is conflict in a family, parents and siblings may avoid each other and find they are spending less and less time together. Time together may be fraught or explosive. In these circumstances it is even more important to try to carve out some quality time even through simple things like watching a favourite tv programme together.

When parenting brothers and sisters you may need to give more thought to which activities can be done together as a family and which require a one-to-one between you and your child. Again this can be tricky when you are parenting more than one child and you may need support from a partner, family member or service to make this possible.

Sue, a kinship carer said:

“When the kids were younger things could get fraught and high energy if we were all together all weekend. We found that organising “special time” when each child would get the full attention of one parent worked well. Even doing simple things like a bus ride or going for an ice-cream made them feel special.”

It can also be helpful to think about small ways to be present even when children are not with you or need their own space. Perhaps:

send them a text;

leave them a note; or

take them their favourite snack/drink.

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In her book Super Parenting, Dr Amber Elliot makes the distinction between structure that is controlling (and usually for the benefit of the parent) and structure and routine that creates safety and predictability (for everyone in the family). We can think of these supportive structures and routines as the scaffolding your family members need to thrive.

There will be no one-size-fits-all when it comes to scaffolding as each family has a unique mix of needs, preferences and demands on their time. Children who have had adverse experiences might need a higher level of structure than other children their age. Let go of your expectations of what they “should” need and think more about they do need. Think developmental age and not chronological age.

Some practical things you can try include:

Scaffolding daily routines

Daily routines should ideally provide a rhythm to the day without creating pressure. The rhythm comes from familiarity, ease and clarity. If mornings are always fraught it might help one child to have a visual checklist in the bathroom to help a sluggish morning brain, while a brother or sister may need clothes laid on on the floor the same way every day to prompt dressing. Some daily routines, like sitting together for dinner, may feel like a strong social expectation but just not work for your family. Perhaps children are in sensory overload after school or preoccupied with worries. Ditch the routines that don't suit your family and create your own family rhythm.

Weekly rituals  and family events

Weekly family activities or rituals like film and pizza night can be a good way to create a sense of belonging. It's important that everyone has a say in what the activity is and how and when it happens so it doesn't become another demand or source of frustration. Less frequent events such as family holidays, weddings, parties can also create a sense of a shared family history with opportunities for photographs to pore over and stories retold. If your children are old enough to have a mobile phone it might help to set up a shared family diary so everyone has information about upcoming events or appointments.

Remember the four Cs:

Compassion: think about why structure or routine might be difficult for your children and you to maintain and forgive yourselves when you go off track.

Confidence: believe that you and your children can thrive if you use structure and routines thoughtfully and with empathy. This may mean saying 'no' to some of the expectations of other parents or wider family.

Curiosity: keep an open mind about structures and routines you try out, monitor them and adapt them to fit your family's needs.

Connection: don’t forget time for nurture and connection and work collaboratively with your children to create and adapt structure and routines.

Daniel, adoptive dad said:

“Every night before bed, we do a massage we learned in TheraPlay. My son loves it. It helps him to wind down and when it is time for the massage, he knows it is time for sleep. We do it every night”.

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Window of tolerance and emotional co-regulation 

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Window of tolerance and emotional co-regulation 

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As humans we function best when our nervous systems are neither overwhelmed nor shut down. Where adversity or trauma is part of our early life experiences we can find it difficult to find a middle ground. Dr Dan Siegel describes this middle ground as our 'window of tolerance' or optimal emotional state for effective functioning. This is a state where we can give people and activities our full attention and find success and enjoyment.

Parents can play an important role in helping children to stay within their 'window of tolerance'. It can be difficult to calm a child who is already in distress and their distress is likely to be upsetting for their brothers and sisters. Instead try to build in regulating activities for brothers and sisters throughout the day – think proactive rather than reactive. It is also important that parents pay attention to their own window of tolerance and things that can trigger hyperarousal or shut down for them. A dysregulated parent cannot help a dysregulated child.

Activities will be more regulating for children when they find them fun and rewarding. It can also help when they are done with a trusted adult. Some activities up-regulate (i.e. increase energy and focus) and some down-regulate (i.e. decrease energy and calm). Everyone is different so try them and see which ones up regulate and down regulate each of your children. Being proactive and offering regular “doses” of regulation is key.

You will need to find things that work for your family. This might involve siblings doing things together or spending time apart. You may need to problem solve if one child's calming activity is another child's trigger. For example, rhythmic drumming may soothe one child but be overwhelming for a child with noise sensitivity. You may need electric drums and headphones or a shed at the bottom of the garden!

Proactive activities to maintain regulation could include:

Using the Body

Marching (try using marching music)

Dancing

Walking

Hanging (e.g. from monkey bars)

Cycling

Scooting

Jumping

Pushing

Pulling

Using the Body Together

Pushing hands together

Wrap up tight in a big blanket

Tug of war

Massage with a spiky ball

Using food as a Regulator

Chewing, sucking and blowing is very regulating. Have things around to give as a “regulating snack” in the form of crunchy, chewy, spicy or sucky foods. Examples are:

Apple

Carrot sticks

Crackers

Pretzels

Oatcakes

Bagels

Dried fruit

Fruit leather

Chewing gum

Spicy/tasty

Salt and vinegar rice cakes

Spicy snacks

Sucking liquid through a straw

Blowing bubbles with bubble gum

You can turn food into a game: each take a boiled sweet or lollipop. Both have to suck the sweet until it dissolves without chewing. First to finish wins.

Alison, foster carer explained:

“ When my son came out of school, he was often very hyped up and we used to take him to the park to run it off. However we soon saw that this just made things worse and he often had a meltdown. Now, we go home and the first thing we do is have a snack. Then he has some quiet time watching tv with his favourite blanket. It really helps him to calm down after a busy day at school. Now, we go to the park on a Saturday morning. It used to be hard for him to get moving in the morning but a run around the park with his sister gets them and me ready for the rest of the day”.

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A lot has been written about parenting styles and there is broad agreement that parental warmth is important. The use of parental 'control' is more controversial especially when parenting neurodivergent or traumatised children.

One alternative approach that can be helpful for some children in order to create relational safety is a low demand parenting approach. Low demand does not mean being overly permissive or surrendering all control to your children. Rather it involves warm encouragement and using a more collaborative and flexible approach to parenting while avoiding unrealistic expectations or excessively rigid rules. Instead of 'control' think 'structure, safety and boundaries'. This is not an easy style to take on but you may notice positive results.

One of the suggestions from this literature is to avoid saying 'no' to struggling children. This doesn't mean saying yes to everything but does mean avoiding an outright no. Think about how you feel when you ask for something and someone says no. This might be anything from mild disappointment to intense irritation. As regulated adults we manage these feelings and move on. When children's mental wellbeing is fragile these feelings are more difficult to control and an outright no can trigger feelings of panic and rejection. Instead try something a little more left field like saying "what brought this to mind?", "what were you hoping to do with X?" When children are impulsive they may feel convinced they need this thing right here right now but some adult attention, a snack or a cuddle may meet the need just as well.

Another term you may come across in relation to low demand parenting is the use of 'declarative language'. This is simply the use of comments and statements to communicate what you know, think or observe in order to engage your child, to raise their awareness of things around them and their feelings and to help them to problem solve. These types of statements feel different to our usual style of telling children what to do or asking them lots of questions which can feel like demands. Examples of declarative statements could include:

"It's raining outside, I think I'll take a jacket" as a prompt for your child to pick up their coat.

"I wonder if you need anything else in your school bag before we leave" as a prompt to remember the lunchbox in the fridge.

Routines and predictability can be very helpful, especially for children who struggle with change and transitions. It may be helpful to use “when-then” statements: e.g. “when we finish dinner then we can play with the dog”

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Making accommodations and building skills to support siblings

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Making accommodations and building skills to support siblings

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Eileen Divine, Clinical Social Worker and Parent Coach, suggests that in order to support children in distress we need to move away from managing problem behaviours and towards accommodating brain-based differences. She provides a number of questions to ask in order to match accommodations or adaptations to children's needs. These are:

What is the task or expectation the child is expected to do (and failing at/"refusing" to do)?

What does the brain— anyone’s brain— have to be able to do in order to successfully complete that task or meet that expectation?

What do you know about how your child’s brain functions in those areas? Do they have those skills?

How old is your child developmentally (which might be different than their chronological age)?

What are the secondary behaviors you see in this environment or with this specific situation?

What are your child’s strengths and interests?

Based on all the information gathered from the above questions, what accommodations need to be implemented to help this child be successful?

When applying this approach to parenting siblings one issue that will need consideration is that brothers and sisters with care experience are often very sensitive to injustice or unequal treatment by parents. A child may think that an accommodation made for a brother or sister, such as getting to sit in the front seat of the car is unfair if s/he is not given the same opportunity. There needs to be some open discussion about why brothers and sisters need different types of support and some celebration of children's strengths as well as individualised skills development.

Sharon, adoptive mum said:

When the children were small we enjoyed baking together as a family. By the time our three girls were all in primary school baking became a pain. Our middle girl would always end up losing her temper with her sisters and throwing ingredients across the kitchen. After a while we realised that the noise and excitement of the activity was upsetting for her and she was struggling to keep up with the recipe at the same pace as her sisters. We tried changing things up so that she baked with her older sister. This kept things calmer.  I also weighed out the ingredients before the activity so that she had less to remember to do. Baking became a lovely family activity again and the girls enjoyed this time together.

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Where rivalry and conflict between brothers and sisters are causing tension, it can be helpful to introduce activities or games that avoid competition or promote cooperation.

Mark, adoptive dad explained:

Things like the Easter egg hunt was always a disaster and ended with one or both kids in tears. One year we tried marking a line down the middle of the garden and hid exactly the same number of eggs each side of the line. The kids had as much time as they liked to find their treats in their half of the garden. This really helped to reduce squabbles.

Competitive games can be tricky for children who feel unsafe. Your child may be very bound by rules to the point where the game becomes less fun. Alternatively, winning may be everything for your child and they may invent new rules to make this a certainty. Both situations can lead to distress. Cooperative activities can be simple word games or if children need to be more active or respond well to nature then activities such as gardening or outdoor treasure hunts may work for your family. The activities may need to be time limited to avoid fatigue and irritation setting in.

Fiona, Kinship carer said:

Here are some cooperative games that we used as a family to have fun together without a competitive element creeping in.

1. One word at a time story.
Each person takes turns saying one word to contribute to a storyline. Each person must wait their turn but can take the story off in any direction they like.

2. Grandma went to market
This is a memory game. One person starts by saying grandma went to market and bought a (e.g. tree). The next person must then add an item to the list and say “Grandma went to market and bought (e.g. a tree and a handbag). The game continues with each person taking a turn and adding an item until someone forgets something on grandma’s list.. You might help the person out by giving a clue or just start a new game.

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Empathic behaviour management: Dr Amber Elliot

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Empathic behaviour management: Dr Amber Elliot

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Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS): Dr. Ross Greene 

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Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS): Dr. Ross Greene 

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Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) is a model of care developed by Dr. Ross Greene. He describes three steps to address children's challenging behaviours and skills gaps.  These involve empathic engagement with the child and their struggle, communicating parental concerns about the challenge and inviting your child to work with you to find a solution. In his book The Explosive Child Dr Greene gives an example of how this approach can be used with brothers and sisters (p. 172 - 183). This approach should not be used when family members are in a heightened state but instead when calm has returned and rational thinking is possible.

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Amanda Diekman is an autistic adult and parent to neurodivergent children. She advocates a parenting approach that allows you to drop demands and expectations that are making family life difficult. The approach is particularly suited to children with high anxiety levels including neurodivergent children.

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One particular approach to low demand parenting, PANDA,  is promoted by the PDA Society which supports families affected by PDA (Persistent Demand Avoidance), a subset of autism. Regardless of whether your child has an autism diagnosis or a PDA profile, some parents may find this approach helpful. As well as a low demand approach, it incorporates negotiation, collaboration and flexibility. Some of the language used within the approach is controversial. For example, PDA advocates find the use of the term ‘battles’ problematic and suggest that disguising demands is unhelpful and instead honesty and clarity about the possible consequences of actions is more helpful.

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This infographic illustrates the key approaches which are helpful in working with, understanding and supporting an PDA person.

Conventional support strategies, including those often recommended for autism, are often ineffective and counter-productive with a PDA profile of autism.

In place of structure, routine, firm boundaries, praise, rewards/consequences, is a person-centred approach based on negotiation, collaboration and flexibility.

The PDA Panda symbolises the need to tailor the environment to meet needs and the P-A-N-D-A mnemonic is a simple reminder of helpful approaches.

Published: PDA Society, 2019 and updated, 2021

Further information:

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Helpful approaches infographic: PANDA approaches

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This infographic illustrates the key approaches which are helpful in working with, understanding and supporting an PDA person. Conventional support strategies, including those often recommended for autism, are often ineffective and counter-productive with a PDA profile of autism. In place of structure, routine, firm boundaries, praise, rewards/consequences, is a person-centred approach based on negotiation, collaboration and flexibility.

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Parenting with PACE: Dan Hughes and Kim Golding

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Parenting with PACE: Dan Hughes and Kim Golding

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This book explains how to integrate play, acceptance, curiosity and empathy (PACE) within your parenting approach.

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Parenting with PACE to Nurture Confidence and Security in the Troubled Child

Kim and Dan Hughes worked together to write a book which explores PACE and its role in parenting. Dan put together the elements of playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy as an attitude which parents can bring to their parenting. This provides a home which emotionally connects with the children in a way that develops their trust and safety, allowing healing from trauma.
Troubled children need special parenting to build attachments and heal from trauma.
This book provides a parenting model that parents and carers can follow to incorporate love, play, acceptance, curiosity and empathy into their parenting. These elements are vital to a child's development and will help children to feel confident, secure and happy.

All children need love, but for troubled children, a loving home is not always enough. Children who have experienced trauma need to be parented in a special way that helps them feel safe and secure, builds attachments and allows them to heal.

Playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy (PACE) are four valuable elements of parenting that, combined with love, can help children to feel confident and secure. This book shows why these elements are so important to a child's development, and demonstrates to parents and carers how they can incorporate them into their day-to-day parenting. Real life examples and typical dialogues between parents and children illustrate how this can be done in everyday life, and simple stories highlight the ideas behind each element of PACE.

This positive book will help parents and carers understand how parenting with love and PACE is invaluable to a child's development, and will guide them through using this parenting attitude to help their child feel happy, confident and secure.

Information

Publisher: Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Date: Mar 2012

ISBN: 978-1-84905-227-6

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Creating Loving Attachments - Kim S. Golding

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Kim and Dan Hughes worked together to write a book which explores PACE and its role in parenting. Dan put together the elements of playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy as... Read More

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When adults with perceived power reach for that power to control a child's challenging behavior, the behavior usually grows more intense.

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This is the go-to guide for practitioners, parents and carers who want to expand their understanding and skills for therapeutic parenting - a deeply nurturing parenting style particularly effective for children who have experienced trauma or adversity.

It provides an easy to understand explanation of the latest theory and research in trauma and neuroscience, and explains how these relate to everyday parenting strategies. It provides clarity on complex areas, such as early developmental trauma in children, and insights into key challenges, including managing transitions, sibling relationships, challenging behaviour, the teenage years, and how to find time and space for self-care.

With experience, professional expertise, and text features to aid learning throughout, this book is the one-stop shop for everyone wanting to truly understand every aspect of therapeutic parenting and trauma.

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The Complete Guide to Therapeutic Parenting

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This is the go-to guide for practitioners, parents and carers who want to expand their understanding and skills for therapeutic parenting - a deeply nurturing parenting style particularly effective for children who have experienced trauma or adversity. It provides an easy to understand explanation of the latest theory

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Nate Sheets' book and YouTube content provide clear and practical information and guidance for parents and professionals supporting people with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder or similar cognitive struggles.

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Books | Cognitive Supports with Nate Sheets

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The Unofficial Guide to Therapeutic Parenting - The Teen Years

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An honest insight into the rollercoaster reality of therapeutically parenting teenagers.Raising any teenager is tough, but raising teens who have experienced trauma in their early years is a whole different - and more difficult - ball game. Adoptive parent Sally Donovan is here to answer every quest…

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When children are in distress we can get very focused on what we can see, the behaviours, rather than the underlying issues that are leading to behaviours. Often an iceberg metaphor is used to describe the hidden aspects of children's distress.

Trying out different parenting lenses helps us to look below the surface and be curious about the underlying explanations of behaviours.

Below we think about some of the concerning behaviours that we might notice in our children and how we might reframe them.

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Another way to see it:

My child finds it difficult to process language at the rate expected at home or school

My child has busy thoughts and doesn’t always hear me

My child zones out when in a stressful environment

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Another way to see it:

My child often feels unsafe and this prevents him/her from doing things

My child perceives requests as demands and this creates intense anxiety

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"My child is very rough with his brother and wrestles him when this is unwanted"

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"My child is very rough with his brother and wrestles him when this is unwanted"

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Another way to see it:

My child has sensory needs and doesn’t realise how strong he is

My child struggles with boundaries and the need for personal space

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Another way to see it:

My child finds it difficult to express negative feelings in socially appropriate ways

My child worries that his sister gets more adult attention than he does

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Another way to see it:

My child is anxious that she’ll be out of her depth if she goes along with others’ ideas or suggestions

My child worries that he'll be moved again and so finds it difficult to relax

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Another way to see it:

My child finds family outings overwhelming and hopes that creating a scene will end his distress quickly

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"My child repeats mistakes to get adult attention"

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"My child repeats mistakes to get adult attention"

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Another way to see it:

My child struggles with certain skills and this makes him feel insecure. He needs more support

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"My child always makes us late for everything"

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"My child always makes us late for everything"

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Another way to see it:

My child needs support to plan getting out of the house on time and I need to give her the time she needs

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Another way to see it:

My child has co-ordination difficulties which can lead to frequent accidents

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Can you suggest any alternative ways of viewing the behaviours mentioned above?

Can you add any other behaviours you have struggled with and suggest other ways of explaining these using your new sets of lenses?

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1. Let's get started

2. What’s special about parenting care experienced siblings?

3. Strong foundations for parenting brothers and sisters

4. The importance of reflection and self care for parents

5. Seeing brothers' and sisters' distress through different lenses

6. Rethinking concerning behaviours

7. Helpful parenting approaches for your care kit

8. Useful resources

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Parenting can be both rewarding and demanding and we must remember to take time to look after ourselves. Self care is essential.  It can come in many forms including:

physical,

emotional,

social,

professional and

spiritual self-care.

It needs to be tailored to your needs and situation but could include a weekly activity with friends, having quiet time for your daily Wordle or yoga, a coffee with another parent who's a good listener or date night with a partner once a month.  Think about who and what helps you recharge your battery.

Make a plan now to fit in a daily self care and a weekly self care activity.

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As a parent, you have a crucial role to play in helping your child to recover from adversity and thrive and to promote positive and safe relationships between brothers and sisters. Claire Cameron, an academic, has used the phrase "experts in everyday life" to describe the special insights that those of us parenting care experienced children day in and day out bring to our role. Sometimes professionals may make you doubt your instincts or even blame you when your family is faced with challenges. Fear of blame or embarrassment may also lead you to avoid seeking help until you reach crisis point. Your knowledge of your child's triumphs and struggles in day to day family life and interactions is one of the keys to a positive future for your child and your family. Remember you are an "expert in everyday life" and your opinion matters.

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Identity and wellbeing are very closely connected and can be complicated for care experienced children and young people. At different points of growing up children may question their individual identity 'who am I?' and their wider identity 'where do I belong?' Without help to resolve these difficult questions children and young people may feel confused, withdrawn or angry.

Family identity in particular is not straightforward for care experienced children who have moved from living with their original family to a new family set up, perhaps with the same or some new brothers and sisters. What is birth mum or dad called now and what is adoptive or foster parent called? Can I belong to two families? There is a lot for children to negotiate and some of their interactions with friends and other families may add to their confusion.

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This approach shines a light on the impact of trauma or neurological difference on the sensory systems. As well as sight, smell, touch, taste and hearing it includes interoception (awareness of bodily feelings) vestibular perception (awareness of movement) and proprioception (awareness of our body in space).

Sensory issues are common in children who have experienced trauma or are neurodivergent. Focusing on sensory preferences or triggers can have a positive impact on children’s ability to regulate and, therefore, enjoy family time and family relationships.