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9 Ways to Be a Superior Listener and Build Stronger Friendships

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Social support from friendships can have profound stress management benefits. Learn how to strengthen your relationships with good listening skills.

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10 Minute Guided Mindfulness Meditation for Families

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In the mid- to late 2000s, Brent Bezo and his wife were living in Ukraine, when Bezo began noticing a kind of social hostility and mistrust among the population. It was subtle, "not necessarily something you'd pick up on if you'd spent only a short time there," says Bezo, a doctoral psychology student at Carleton University in Ottawa.

In his conversations with people, Bezo heard references to the Holodomor, the mass starvation of millions of Soviet Ukrainians from 1932 to 1933, considered by many to be an intentional genocide orchestrated by Joseph Stalin's regime.

Wondering if and how this horrific event continued to resonate with the people, Bezo conducted a qualitative pilot study of 45 people from three generations of 15 Ukrainian families: those who had lived through the Holodomor, their children and their grandchildren. People spontaneously shared what they saw as transgenerational impacts from that time, including risky health behaviors, anxiety and shame, food hoarding, overeating, authoritarian parenting styles, high emotional neediness on the part of parents and low community trust and cohesiveness-what many described as living in "survival mode" (Social Science & Medicine, Vol. 134, 2015).

"Each generation seemed to kind of learn from the previous one, with survivors telling children, 'Don't trust others, don't trust the world,'" says Bezo. He is now conducting a larger quantitative study to compare intergenerational effects among Ukrainians who remained in the country after the Holodomor, those who emigrated and a group of Ukrainians unaffected by the event. The work is part of an emerging line of research and clinical work in psychology and related disciplines that is exploring whether and how mass cultural and historical traumas affect future generations. Bezo's observations are compatible with those of researchers who are exploring the intergenerational effects of the Holocaust, the Khmer Rouge killings in Cambodia, the Rwandan genocide, the displacement of American Indians and the enslavement of African-Americans. The transgenerational effects are not only psychological, but familial, social, cultural, neurobiological and possibly even genetic as well, the researchers say.

But except for studies related mainly to the Holocaust, the field is still relatively young and has many unknowns. While trauma researchers have made great strides in understanding and treating single-episode present-life trauma, they are just beginning to explore the impact of intergenerational trauma and its expression, says APA Div. 56 (Trauma Psychology) President Diane Castillo, PhD, a former Texas A&M University associate professor of psychology who has studied and treated combat-related post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) for 30 years. The study of PTSD could benefit from the wider lens of an intergenerational perspective, she says, while the study of intergenerational trauma could learn from the systematic work that's been done on PTSD.

Continuing to explore intergenerational effects can help the field better understand and treat psychological pain at its roots, adds Yael Danieli, PhD, co-founder and director of the Group Project for Holocaust Survivors and Their Children in New York, where she has been a senior psychotherapist since the 1970s.

"Massive traumas like these affect people and societies in multidimensional ways," says Danieli, who is also the founder of the International Center for the Study, Prevention and Treatment of Multigenerational Legacies of Trauma. "It behooves us to study this area as widely as possible, so we can learn from people's suffering and how to prevent it for future generations."

A wider lens on symptoms

One of the first articles to note the presence of intergenerational trauma appeared in 1966, when Canadian psychiatrist Vivian M. Rakoff, MD, and colleagues documented high rates of psychological distress among children of Holocaust survivors ( Canada's Mental Health, Vol. 14). Since then, researchers have been assessing anxiety, depression and PTSD in trauma survivors and their progeny, with Holocaust survivors and their children the most widely studied and over the longest period of time.

Most of these studies have found atypically high rates of these disorders. However, in some cases they find little or no effect at all. A 2017 review of 20 studies of children of cultural and war trauma survivors by Cindy C. Sangalang, PhD, of California State University, Los Angeles, and Cindy Vang, of Arizona State University, for instance, found eight studies showing negative psychiatric, psychosocial and/or behavioral effects on survivors' offspring, three showing mixed results and two showing no differences between offspring and controls (Journal of Immigrant Minority Health, Vol. 19, No. 3).

Other researchers are taking a broader view of how survivors and their offspring might be affected. In the early 1980s, Danieli began writing about at least four adaptive styles that she and others observed among Holocaust survivors. Examples include "victim," people who have difficulty moving on from the original trauma and are emotionally volatile and overprotective, and "numb," those who are emotionally detached, intolerant of weakness in others and who maintain a "conspiracy of silence" within the family. (Other styles include "fighter" and "those who made it.")

In clinical, group and community work, Danieli also observed specific behavior patterns among children of Holocaust survivors, including an overly protective stance toward their parents, a high need for control, an obsession with the Holocaust and immature dependency. She called these reactions "reparative adaptational impacts" to highlight the notion that survivors' progeny use them to try to repair the world for their parents, their grandparents and themselves -largely unconsciously. Her related theory predicts a pathway between the initial trauma, the family's history and post-trauma sociocultural milieu, the adaptational styles of survivors, and the intensity of their children's and grandchildren's reparative reactions to them (American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, Vol. 86, No. 6, 2016).

In 2015, Danieli and colleagues started building an empirical foundation for her theory by creating the Danieli Inventory of Multigenerational Legacies of Trauma (Journal of Psychiatric Research, Vol. 68; American Journal of Ortho-psychiatry, Vol. 85, No. 3), a three-part questionnaire tailored to adult children of Holocaust survivors. It asks the children about their parents' parenting styles, their upbringing, the effects these influences had on their own lives and about their family history and demographics.

Research is starting to support the theory. In a study reported in Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy (Vol. 9, No. S1, 2017), Danieli, Fran H. Norris, PhD, of Dartmouth College, and Brian Engdahl, PhD, of the University of Minnesota, first gave the Danieli inventory to 484 adult children and grandchildren of Holocaust survivors. Then, they conducted additional clinical interviews with a subsample of 191 of those offspring. Overall, 35 percent of the smaller sample had generalized anxiety disorder, 26 percent had a major depressive episode and 14 percent had PTSD. But when they compared those data with the inventory data, 46 percent of those with high reparative impact scores had a psychiatric diagnosis, compared with only 8 percent of those with low scores. In addition, children whose parents scored higher in "victim" and "numb" styles reported a higher intensity of reparative impacts, the team found.

Researchers studying Native American and Canadian populations are likewise finding broad effects among children and grandchildren of survivors of massive cultural oppression. In a 2014 review paper in Transcultural Psychiatry (Vol. 51, No. 3), psychologist Amy Bombay, PhD, an assistant professor at Dalhousie University in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada, and colleagues examined studies looking at intergenerational effects of Indian residential schools, institutions run by the Canadian government from the 1880s until the mid-1990s. Eliminating the "Indian problem" was the aim of the schools, according to original government texts. The schools provided a substandard education and taught native children to be ashamed of their languages, cultural beliefs and traditions.

Two large-scale national surveys included in the review-the First Nations Regional Longitudinal Health Survey and the Aboriginal Peoples Survey-found that children and in some cases grandchildren of those who attended the schools were more likely to report psychological distress and suicide attempts, to have learning difficulties and problems in school and to contract hepatitis C through drug use than controls whose parents had not attended such schools.

Less directly studied is the multigenerational impact of slavery on African-Americans. But an important line of related research studies the relationship between ongoing racial discrimination and trauma. Monnica Williams, PhD, of the University of Connecticut, who has extensively explored this topic, recently developed a measure to assess anxiety related to racial discrimination. Williams and colleagues found that of 123 African-American students who took the measure, those who reported high rates of perceived discrimination also had higher rates than others of uncontrollable hyperarousal, feelings of alienation, worries about future negative events and perceiving others as dangerous (Psychology of Violence, Vol. 8, No. 6, 2018).

While direct studies on intergenerational effects may be sparse, it's not difficult to spot such impacts in current generations of African-Americans, adds Alfiee Breland-Noble, PhD, who directs the AAKOMA (African American Knowledge Optimized for Mindfully Healthy Adolescents) Project at Georgetown University and studies mental health disorders and treatments in African-Americans.

A current example, she says, is the dread that many African-American parents face in talking with sons about potential police encounters. "It's traumatizing for parents and it's traumatizing for kids," she says.

The scenario is part of a legacy that she terms "shared stress"-the feeling that you have to manage everything within your own community because you don't know what you'll encounter in society at large.

"There is a sense among African-Americans and other marginalized people that our stressors are unique to us and not necessarily shared by people outside our groups," she explains. "So, we share stories of our lived experiences that help set the stage for how our loved ones encounter the world." In turn, that can lead to a general distrust of others outside the group-particularly those from historically oppressive groups-along with in-group insularity, she says.

Transmission mechanisms

Psychologists and others are also investigating how traumatic effects may be transmitted across generations. In a qualitative study that echoes Danieli's findings about the importance of family communication and milieu, Lidewyde H. Berckmoes, PhD, of the Netherlands Institute for the Study of Crime and Law Enforcement in Amsterdam, and colleagues spent five months observing and interviewing 41 mothers who lived through the 1994 Rwandan genocide and their teen children.

The team found direct effects of the genocide, including the ways that mothers communicated with their children about the trauma, such as maintaining silence or expressing hope that such an event would never occur again. The investigators also observed indirect effects, such as how the genocide affected the second generation through changes including heightened poverty, greater family work burden and compromised parenting. Meanwhile, teens discussed how they felt these factors affected their own lives. Many said poverty rendered them unable to attend school and forced them to work harder to help keep the family afloat (, Vol. 7, No. 3, 2017).

Trauma psychologist Elena Cherepanov, PhD, of Cambridge College in Boston, has been examining how survivors' initial reactions to an event may affect future generations-a topic outlined in her upcoming book, tentatively titled "Understanding the Transgenerational Legacy of Totalitarian Regimes: Paradoxes of Survivorship." Living under such difficult, oppressive circumstances, she surmises, can lead parents to formulate fear-based "survival messages" that they pass on to their children and grandchildren-ideas like "Don't ask for help-it's dangerous." While the messages may have initially helped people stay alive, in the present they are often irrelevant and may even increase people's interpersonal vulnerability. Fear of personal disclosure and not trusting mental health care providers, for example, "is exactly why it is so hard for trauma survivors to seek and accept support," says Cherepanov, who is comparing these messages in Russian and American samples.

Still another transmission vehicle may be the body itself. Researchers led by University of California, Los Angeles, economist Dora L. Costa, PhD, examined mortality and other Civil War-era data on 700 Union Army prisoners of war (POWs) and 2,500 of their children, along with data on 5,000 non-POW Union soldiers and 15,000 of their children. Starting from the time the sons of these soldiers turned 45, they found that the sons of Union POWs who had endured particularly harsh conditions while imprisoned died at younger ages overall than the sons of POWs who lived in camps under more favorable conditions or than the sons of non-POW soldiers (Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, Vol. 115, No. 44, 2018).

The researchers posit a potential transmission vehicle for these effects: epigenetics, environmentally driven molecular processes that can turn genes on or off. While the researchers' lack of ability to collect biological samples limited their ability to show a direct association between the earlier deaths and epigenetic changes, in a statistical "process of elimination," epigenetics emerged as a strong contender.

Taking a more direct look at possible epigenetic transmission is psychologist Rachel Yehuda, PhD, director of the Traumatic Stress Studies Division at the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai in New York. She and colleagues have found, for example, that children of Holocaust survivors with PTSD have lower rates of methylation-one type of epigenetic mechanism-in a particular stress-related glucocorticoid receptor, the GF-1F, than children of survivors who did not have PTSD (American Journal of Psychiatry, Vol. 171, No. 8, 2014).

More recently, the team has been looking directly at epigenetic changes across generations. In a well-known study comparing methylation rates in 32 Holocaust survivors and 22 of their children with those of matched controls, they found that Holocaust survivors and their children showed changes in the same location of the same gene-the FKBP5, a stress- related gene linked to PTSD and depression-while controls did not (Biological Psychiatry, Vol. 80, No. 5, 2016).

While admittedly small, the study is an important first step, Yehuda and others note, and epigenetics is a fruitful area for further research (World Psychiatry, Vol. 17. No. 3, 2018).

Promising interventions

Despite the many gaps in understanding the transgenerational effects of trauma, clinicians and researchers are delivering interventions based on recent findings, including at the community level.

One example is a long- running intervention being adapted to First Nation and Native American tribes in Canada and the United States called Strengthening Families. Based on a highly successful evidence-based program started at Iowa State University, it aims to prevent early substance use by improving family communication, reducing family conflict and teaching kids substance-use resistance skills. Working closely with the Ojibwe, Lakota, Dakota, Navajo, Pueblo and other tribes, researchers, including sociologist Melissa Walls, PhD, of the University of Minnesota Medical School, are adapting the program to resonate with each tribe.

"We hear a lot about the loss of a sense of community, the loss of generational ties," says Walls. "It really is a deep hurt, a deep pain-almost a longing for what used to be." The interventions help to address this chasm by bringing together families and the community as a whole, she says.

Two case studies of working with native groups to adapt the protocol are described in an article by Walls, Jerreed D. Ivanich, a doctoral student at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, and colleagues (Prevention Science, online first publication, 2018). One version, called Bii-Zin-Da-De-Dah, Ojibwe for "listening to one another," has been revised over the years to include more culturally relevant material and to be tailored for young children. A fourth iteration of the program is now being tested in a five-year randomized controlled trial funded by the National Institute on Drug Abuse.

The results of these programs can be profound, says Walls, who describes a ceremony held at the end of each intervention. There, parents or caregivers give youngsters a blanket to symbolize their support of the next generation. "It's always powerful," says Walls. "It's a lot more than just a program, I think, for the people who get to do it."

In the clinical realm, Danieli recommends using her inventory to formulate questions and help treat clients. She also suggests that clinicians work with patients to construct multigenerational family trees that include details of a family's trauma history-an activity that can help families move beyond secrets and toward connection and growth.

In a similar vein, Cherepanov suggests the use of a "survival genogram," which adapts the genogram methodology-a pictorial version of a family tree used in psychotherapy to highlight family relationship, health and psychological patterns-to the transgenerational trauma experience. The methodology helps children and grandchildren of survivors to explore ancestral life lessons like "Never let your guard down" in their original context and to examine how such messages can help and hurt them in their present lives (The Journal of Psychodrama, Sociometry, and Group Psychotherapy, Vol. 63. No. 1, 2015).

Meanwhile, Breland-Noble encourages her African-American clients to use a few simple tools to address angry, overwhelmed or numb reactions to historical or present-day race-related injuries. One is simply to name the problem. "We're so used to living with racially oriented worry and fear that we don't necessarily recognize or name it as problematic," she says. "I want people to feel comfortable owning and naming our history."

She also encourages clients to embrace self-care practices, such as mindfulness, exercise or other nurturing activities. A third tool she emphasizes is prevention-reducing exposure to potential triggers such as news about race-based police shootings or other provocative race-related items.

Addressing present-day traumas like racism that relate to the original trauma is key to helping new generations heal and move on, agrees Bombay. Parents can help, she adds, by using the right communication tools.

"It's about finding an age-appropriate balance that provides children with the context of the original trauma," she says, "while at the same time providing them with cultural pride and coping strategies to deal with racism if they encounter it."

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In the mid- to late 2000s, Brent Bezo and his wife were living in Ukraine, when Bezo began noticing a kind of social hostility and mistrust among the population. It was subtle, "not necessarily something you'd pick up on if you'd spent only a short time there," says Bezo, a doctoral psychology student at Carleton University in Ottawa.

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It was late one night, and I was up with my roommates and some friends. We were laughing and having a good time. Somehow, the lighthearted conversation turned somewhat serious when we got on the topic of culture.

Our friend made an extremely bold claim by saying some ethnic groups do not have their own original culture and they stole their "culture" from oppressed groups. While I now think that this claim is ridiculous, it did make me think how oppression really changed culture for numerous ethnic groups.

African Americans are a great example because we have been oppressed for so long. During that time, there have been many great eras that continue to influence the world today. Slaves sang spirituals to pass the time in the fields. Currently, spirituals are still widely sung in churches and by choirs. The Harlem Renaissance is another great cultural era that had many musical and literary advancements. Today could even be seen as a great cultural era because rap/hip-hop has dominated the mainstream.

These cultural changes have come as a direct or indirect response to oppression we have felt during these eras. First, it was slavery. Then, during the Harlem Renaissance, it was Jim Crow laws and segregation. Now, it's systematic racism still playing a role in society.

I urge you to take a deep dive into your cultural roots to see how oppression has caused your culture to change. No matter how large of a role oppression plays in your cultural background, it has shaped the way your culture is today.

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Perspective: How oppression creates culture

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Jabari Cox says you can learn a lot about oppression by taking a deep dive into your own culture.

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"People create social conditions and people can change them," wrote US playwright Tess Onwueme. Culturally responsive teaching empowers students with the skills to address social justice issues-bullying, discrimination, exclusion, and unfairness on the basis of social identity.

When we teach our kids the words and actions to take when confronted with injustice, we enable the next generation to be more accepting and inclusive.

Teachers seeking activities and ideas for addressing social justice issues in the classroom should consider interventions endorsed by the Learning for Justice Social Justice Standards framework. These interventions engage students on the topics of:

Educators should incorporate social justice concepts into their classrooms. Discover four approaches to teaching social justice at the elementary school level.

1. Explore Social Identity

Understanding, empowering, and appreciating people with different identities is a cornerstone of social justice. Elementary school students can develop a working knowledge of social groups and identities so they can accurately describe their own membership in multiple groups and describe features of social groups they don't belong to.

A person's social identity has to do with their sense of belonging and membership in a social group. Students of all ages should learn that every person belongs to multiple social groups at the same time.

Examples of social identities include the sense of belonging to the following categories.

Racial or ethnic group

Socioeconomic class

LGBTQ+ community

Religious group

Nation, state, city, or neighborhood

Age or generational cohort

Disabled community

Group based on shared language (e.g. Hispanic)

Exploring social identity can be fun and engaging. Learning goals that can help students appreciate and accurately describe their own social identity include:

Knowing about one's family history, culture, and the historical contributions of people who belong to the same social groups

Recognizing that every person's social identity is complex and unique

Expressing pride, confidence, and self-esteem without putting down others

Need lesson plan ideas? Some activities that help students articulate and celebrate their social identities in all their complexity include:

Researching and creating family trees

Sharing recipes for foods and dishes from students' home cultures

Doing arts and crafts that celebrate cultural heritage

2. Develop an Appreciation of Diversity

Diversity means difference. In a pluralistic society like the United States, people from different walks of life must work together to create environments where everyone can thrive. Accordingly, another crucial aspect of social justice is the social skills elementary students need to cultivate to develop into adult citizens who promote and protect a diverse society.

Key skills that students should develop by the time they graduate elementary school include:

Respect for all people-regardless of whether another person or group is similar or different from oneself

The ability to learn, play, and collaborate with others even when they are different from us and even when we disagree

Curiosity about other people's lives and experiences

The ability to ask questions about people's social identities and experiences respectfully and listen to others share their experiences in an open, nonjudgmental way

Lesson plan topics educators can rely on to teach elementary school students the skills they need to succeed in a diverse society include:

Learning about and sharing historical narratives and stories that highlight the experiences and contributions of important historical figures who belonged to different social groups

Exercises and activities that build empathy and respectful curiosity for people with different lived experiences and backgrounds

Activities that encourage students to examine diversity in numerous historical and cultural contexts

3. Explore Examples of Social Justice Issues

Another element of social justice is recognizing that injustices exist in our society. Key competencies and skills that elementary school students should learn related to justice include:

Understanding what unfairness, prejudice, and oppression look like

Understanding what privilege looks like, so that students can recognize how life may be easier for some people and harder for others based on arbitrary social standing

Realizing that unfair laws, rules, and behaviors cause real harm to people from marginalized social groups

Learning about the actions of people and groups who worked to make our world more just and fair for everyone, such as anti-racism initiatives in schools

Lesson plans that can instill an appreciation for social justice may explore the history of activism in the United States. Students may learn about examples of social justice issues and topics such as the history of the following movements:

4. Teach Students How to Take Action

Students should learn that addressing social justice issues is all about taking action-whether that's co-creating a respectful and inclusive learning environment or calling out injustice when we see it.

Key activities that students in elementary school can initiate and take part in include:

Paying attention to how other people are treated and making sure that every person is treated with fairness and respect

Including people who are different in activities

Standing up for oneself and others when we encounter disrespect or unfairness

Showing respect even when we disagree with someone else's words or behavior

Respectfully telling someone when their words or actions are biased or hurtful

Lesson plan topics that empower elementary-aged students to take action in promoting social justice include:

Role-playing activities that allow students to practice speaking up when they notice unfairness or exclusion on the basis of social identity

Teaching students key vocabulary terms-such as ingroup, outgroup, prejudice, and collective action (group action that challenges authority)-which can empower them to advocate for themselves and others

Introduce students to contemporary social movements, such as the #MeToo movement, #BlackLivesMatter, or #TakeAKnee

Give Educators Tools to Teach Social Justice

Social justice issues and topics can be taught to elementary-aged students successfully. Students who learn about social justice are empowered to celebrate their own social identities, respect people who are different, create inclusive spaces, and stand up against injustice.

With the right teaching tools, educators can foster social justice among the next generation of students. Are you ready to take the next step in your career as an educator? American University's Online Master of Arts in Teaching (MAT) program prepares graduates to teach and support students from diverse backgrounds and promote educational equity. Start pursuing your goals in education with American University.

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4 Ways to Teach Students About Social Justice Issues

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Learning about social justice helps students speak out against unfair treatment and celebrate identities. Explore 4 ways to teach social justice issues.

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Opening up to friends & family | Finding support

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Opening up to people you love about how you’re doing can feel difficult, but it’s an important step in coping with mental health struggles.

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How to speak up to the people closest to you, those you love the most, whether in response to a single instance or an ongoing pattern.

Power and history come into play in such moments, affecting how comfortable or unsettling it feels to speak up.

Who holds power in the family? Who sets the tone for family interaction? What roles do elders and children play, and how might their words carry more weight or impact?

And other questions take shape: Was bigotry a part of daily life in the home you grew up in? Do you continue to accept that as the norm? Do you forgive bigotry in some family members more than others? Do the "rules" about what gets said - and what doesn't - change from one home to another? Who shares your views opposing such bigotry? Working together, will you find greater success in speaking out?

Appealing to shared values can be a way to begin discussions at home or with relatives. Try saying, "Our family is too important to let bigotry tear it apart." Or, "Our family always has stood for fairness, and the comments you're making are terribly unfair."

Or, simply, "Is this what our family stands for?"

Impressionable Children

A woman's young son tells a racist "joke" at dinner that he had heard on the playground earlier that day. "I immediately discussed with him how inappropriate it was. I asked him to put himself in the place of the person in the 'joke.' How would he feel? I discussed with him the feeling of empathy."

A New Jersey woman writes: "My young daughter wrapped a towel around her head and said she wanted to be a terrorist for Halloween - 'like that man down the street.'" The man is a Sikh who wears a turban for religious reasons. The woman asks, "What do I tell my daughter?"

Focus on empathy.

When a child says or does something that reflects biases or embraces stereotypes, point it out: "What makes that 'joke' funny?" Guide the conversation toward empathy and respect: "How do you think our neighbor would feel if he heard you call him a terrorist?"

Expand horizons.

Look critically at how your child defines "normal." Help to expand the definition: "Our neighbor is a Sikh, not a terrorist. Let's learn about his religion." Create opportunities for children to spend time with and learn about people who are different from themselves.

Prepare for the predictable.

Every year, Halloween becomes a magnet for stereotypes. Children and adults dress as "psychos" or "bums," perpetuating biased representations of people with mental illness or people who are homeless. Others wear masks steeped in stereotypical features or misrepresentations. Seek costumes that don't embrace stereotypes. Have fun on the holiday without turning it into an exercise in bigotry and bias.

Be a role model.

If parents treat people unfairly based on differences, children likely will repeat what they see. Be conscious of your own dealings with others.

Joking In-Laws

A woman's father-in-law routinely tells racist "jokes" at family gatherings. "It made me very uncomfortable," she writes, "though at first I didn't say anything to him about it." After having children, however, she felt compelled to speak up.

Arriving for her next visit, she said to her father-in-law, "I know I can't control what you do in your own house. Your racist 'jokes' are offensive to me, and I will not allow my children to be subjected to them. If you choose to continue with them, I will take the children and leave. And I'm informing you that racist 'jokes' or comments will not be allowed in my own home."

Describe your family's values.

Your spouse's/partner's family may well embrace bigoted "humor" as part of familial culture. Explain why that isn't the case in your home; explain that principles like tolerance and respect for others guide your immediate family's interactions and attitudes.

Set limits.

Although you may not be able to change your in-laws' attitudes, you can set limits on their behavior in your own home: "I will not allow bigoted 'jokes' to be told in my home."

Follow through.

In this case, during her next visit, the woman and her children left when the father-in-law began to tell such a "joke." She did that two more times, at later family gatherings, before her father-in-law finally refrained.

My Own Biases

An African American woman is raising her teenage niece. The niece joined the basketball team, came home and said, "Auntie, there are 12 girls on the team, and six are lesbians."

The woman recalls the moment:

"I thought I wasn't homophobic, but, boy, I had to sleep on that one. I was thinking, you know, they're going to recruit her. And here I thought I was cool. It used to be my fear - and I hate to say this, but it's true - it used to be my fear that she would come home with a white man. Now I'm asking myself, 'Would I be more upset if she came home with a white man or a black woman?'"

Seek feedback and advice.

Ask family members to help you work through your biases. Families that work through these difficult emotions in healthy ways often are stronger for it.

State your goals - out loud.

Say, "You know, I've really got some work to do here, to understand why I feel and think the way I do." Such admissions can be powerful in modeling behavior for others.

Commit to learn more.

Education, exposure and awareness are key factors in moving from prejudice to understanding and acceptance. Create such opportunities for yourself.

Follow through.

Select a date - a couple of weeks or months away - and mark it on a calendar. When the date arrives, reflect on what you've learned, how your behavior has changed and what's left to do. Reach out again for feedback on your behavior.

Parental Attitudes

A woman writes: "My mother uses racial and ethnic terminology - the Mexican checkout clerk, the black saleslady - in casual stories in which race and ethnicity are not factors. Of course, if the person is white, she never bothers to mention it."

A man continually refers to the largest nuts in cans of mixed nuts as "nigger toes." His grown children speak up whenever they hear him use the term, but he persists.

A man writes, "My father says he has nothing against homosexuals, but they shouldn't allow them to lead in a church. I didn't know what to say."

Speak up without 'talking back.'

Repeat information, removing unnecessary racial or ethnic descriptions: "What did the checkout clerk do next, Mom?" Or, "Yes, I like these mixed nuts, too." Subtly model bias-free language.

Appeal to parental values.

Call upon the principles that guided your childhood home. "Dad, when I was growing up, you taught me to treat others the way I wanted to be treated. And I just don't think that term is very nice."

Discuss actively.

Ask clarifying questions: "Why do you feel that way?" "Are you saying everyone should feel this way?" Articulate your view: "You know, Dad, I see this differently. Here's why." Strive for common ground: "What can we agree on here?"

Anticipate and rehearse.

When you know bias is likely to arise, practice possible responses in front of a mirror beforehand. Figure out what works best for you, what feels the most comfortable. Become confident in your responses, and use them.

Sibling Slurs

A woman is vacationing with her mother and two brothers. One morning, her brother says he wants to give his car "a Jewish car wash," which he describes as "taking soap out when it's raining to wash your car, so you don't waste money on water." He says he learned the phrase from their stepfather.

She asks, "Why is that funny?" He laughs and says, "Don't you get it? It's the whole Jewish-cheap thing." She responds, "Well, I don't think it's funny." He says, "What do you care? You're not Jewish."

That evening, over dinner, her other brother makes similar remarks.

"It pains me and embarrasses me that this is a pervasive culture in my own family, that they consider this part of their 'humor,'" she says. "I feel like an outsider. I feel confused. Where have I been? Is this my family?"

Speaking Up...

Sibling relationships involve long-established habits, shared experiences and expectations. In crafting a response to bias from a brother or sister, consider your history together. Was bigoted language and "humor" allowed or even encouraged in your childhood home? Or, is this behavior something new? Does you sibling see him- or herself as the sibling leader? Or does another sibling hold that role? The following suggestions might help frame your response:

Honor the past.

If such behavior wasn't accepted in your growing-up years, remind your sibling of your shared past: "I remember when we were kids, Mom went out of her way to make sure we embraced differences. I'm not sure when or why that changed for you, but it hasn't changed for me."

Change the present.

If bigoted behavior was accepted in your childhood home, explain to your siblings that you've changed: "I know when we were growing up that we all used to tell 'jokes' about Jews. As an adult, though, I advocate respect for others."

Appeal to family ties.

"I value our relationship so much, and we've always been so close. Those anti-Semitic remarks are putting a lot of distance between us, and I don't want to feel distanced from you."

Reach out.

Feedback about bias is sometimes hard to hear. Who is your sibling most likely to listen to? A spouse? A parent? A child? Seek out other relatives who can help deliver the message.

Stubborn Relatives

A young Arizona woman says her father and uncle know how much she opposes racist or homophobic "jokes." "I've told them that all the time, and they just keep telling 'jokes' to make me mad, to push my buttons and get a reaction. They know I hate it. It used to make me so angry I'd cry and leave the house. Now I just try not to react."

A Maryland man shares a similar story: "My cousin used to come visit me whenever he was doing business in town. One time he was over and used the N-word, and I said, 'I don't use that word,' but he still used it a few more times. I finally said, 'Don't use that word. If you're going to use that word, I'm going to ask you to find somewhere else to stay.' It was like a game to him, to use the word to see how I'd react."

Describe what is happening.

Define the offense, and describe the pattern of behavior. "Every time I come over, you tell 'jokes' I find offensive. While some people might laugh along with you, I don't. I've asked you not to tell them, but you keep doing it anyway."

Describe how you are feeling.

"I love you so much, and I know you love me, too. I wonder why you choose to keep hurting me with your comments and 'jokes.'"

Appeal to family ties.

"Your 'jokes' are putting unnecessary distance between us; I worry they'll end up doing irreparable harm. I want to make sure those 'jokes' don't damage our relationship."

State values, set limits.

"You know that respect and tolerance are important values in my life, and, while I understand that you have a right to say what you want, I'm asking you to show a little more respect for me by not telling these 'jokes' when I'm around."

Ask for a response.

"I don't want this rift to get worse, and I want us to have a good relationship. What should we do?"

Broaden the discussion.

Consider including sympathetic family members - and not-so-sympathetic family members - in the discussion so everyone can work to help the family find common ground.

Put it in writing.

If spoken words and actions don't have an effect, consider writing a note, letter or email. Often, people "hear" things more clearly that way.

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Among participants in our roundtable discussions, family moments represented some of the greatest difficulties.

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"I am still listening" (Gumbs Chapter 9).

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Advocates’ Friendship Project addresses the nationwide epidemic of loneliness at the local level. By pairing community volunteers with individuals served by Advocates, we reduce social isolation and improve quality of life for all involved.

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​Feeling good about our own ethnic traditions, appearance, language, history and cultural contributions is important. It’s also important to honor the diversity of people from all backgrounds and traditions. You are your children’s best role model when it comes to teaching them about honoring differences in others and celebrating the way in which we all contribute to the world. Find tips from the American Academy of Pediatrics.​

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NYU’s Center for Social Media and Politics

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You’re More Likely to Protest if Your Friends Are Protesting, Too - NYU’s Center for Social Media and Politics

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Our research shows protesters are far more connected to each other — via direct and indirect social ties — than are non-protesters.

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مَست قَلَندَر

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Some Ways to Support Your Friend Dealing with Racist Discrimination at School and the Workplace

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Although I’m a mental health counselor, I’m often hesitant about writing articles that come off as “how-to” posts. It would be unethical…

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Being friends doesn't mean you'll never argue. Disagreeing can be a sign of a healthy relationship, especially if it's done respectfully.

It's important to fight fair and to make up after an argument. In good, productive arguments, both people get to say what's on their mind without feeling judged, mocked or insulted.

How to fight fair

Don't make accusations. Say, "I felt 'X' when 'Y' happened," instead of "I can't believe you did that to me."

Never call your friend names or use physical threats or violence.

Don't broadcast your argument to other people. That means not writing about it on social media or telling other friends about your fight.

Stay calm. If you find yourself getting upset, take time out. Agree to talk again once you've had time to cool off.

Don't bring up old grudges. Discuss the conflict you're dealing with now, not one that you had six months ago.

Making up

Try not to stay mad for long. Take a step back and think about whether the argument is worth losing the friendship over. If it isn't, here are some ways to make up:

1. Apologize.

2. Try to explain where you were coming from.

3. Make plans to see each other soon.

4. Do something fun and try to put the argument aside.

5. If there's more to say, meet somewhere neutral (like a coffee shop) and try to talk about it calmly.

6. Try to forgive and move on.

7. Agree to disagree. Try to move on in the friendship even if you don't come up with a solution to your argument.

Jealousy

Jealousy is an emotion that is typically experienced when you compare yourself to someone else, or want something that someone else has. It's common to compare yourself to friends, and sometimes this can cause jealousy.

You may feel jealous about your friend's:

dating relationships

popularity

grades

family

athletic ability or other talents

clothing

physical appearance

Dealing with jealousy

It's pretty common for friends to be jealous of each other, and it's not always obvious when someone is jealous. Feeling jealous is OK - what matters is how you deal with this challenging emotion.

Try not to compare yourself to others. Often, jealousy is a result of not feeling good enough. When you compare yourself to someone else, it can make you feel even more insecure. Remember that everyone has different strengths, including you.

Focus on what you have, not what you don't. Concentrating on your strengths and the things you're grateful for can help you feel happier with yourself.

Talk about your feelings with someone you trust. They may be able to point out some of the strengths you don't see in yourself, which could help to change your perspective.

Spend time with people who help you feel good about yourself. Hanging out with friends and family who appreciate and accept you for who you are can boost your confidence.

If you need someone to talk to about feeling jealous, you can call a Kids Help Phone counsellor at 1-800-668-6868 or chat with us online.

Feeling excluded in a friendship

Sometimes friends can feel unhappy in a friendship. This can happen for different reasons, but jealousy and feeling like someone else (another friend or a dating partner) is coming between you and your friend are both common. Working through these challenging feelings is an important part of having healthy friendships.

Dealing with your emotions

If you're worried that you may be losing a close friend, or that someone or something is coming between you, you may feel:

These feelings can be really strong and they can negatively affect your life. If you're feeling like this, here are some ways you can cope:

Talk about it: consider sharing how you feel. It's important that you don't blame your friend for how you're feeling. Instead, tell them what's upsetting you about the situation. You may also share that you're working on feeling better about the friendship.

Change your expectations: if you tend to have one or two close friends at a time, you're more likely to feel jealous of things that could come between you. What do you need from your friend? Look at how other people in your life could fulfil those needs. For example, if you need your friend to be fun and caring, think about who else you can turn to when they're not available.

Express your feelings in healthy ways: try to avoid expressing your feelings by sulking or threats of ending the friendship. Try not to make the other person feel guilty or give them the silent treatment. These things are unhelpful and hurtful to both of you.

Work on your self-esteem: when you don't feel good about yourself, you can feel betrayed very easily, even if no harm was intended. You may feel hurt, for example, if your friend sits with someone else at an event. Try to focus on the things you like about yourself, and be kind to yourself about the things that you don't like as much.

Make new friends: this will take your focus away from feeling left out. It'll also help you feel better about yourself and more included. Is there someone you'd like to become better friends with? Often, when we grow apart from one friend in our social circle, we grow closer to another.

If you would like more support with feeling excluded, you can call a Kids Help Phone counsellor at 1-800-668-6868 or chat with us online.

Ending a friendship

If you've decided that a friendship just isn't working, you may feel the urge to end it in a formal or dramatic way. This can be extra tempting if you're upset with your friend and want them out of your life.

Ending a friendship is your decision, but it's important to really think it through. When emotions are running high, it can be hard to anticipate the consequences of a friendship breakup.

You may be thinking...They'll be out of my life for good!
But on second thought... If your friend goes to the same school or lives in your area, ending things may not be so simple. You'll probably see each other regularly, so you may need to consider ways you can be respectful to each other if you do cross paths again.

You may be thinking... I'll surround myself with real friends!
But on second thought... If you and your friend share other friends, things could get complicated. The rest of the group may not want to split from this person. Pressuring them or asking them to choose sides isn't fair and could cause a lot of hurt feelings and friction.

You may be thinking... Our friendship was doomed from the beginning.
But on second thought... When you've had a falling-out, it's hard to see beyond your differences. Try to remember that things change, and you may change your mind about calling it quits. If you've stayed respectful and friendly, it's much easier to revive the friendship.

Breakup alternatives

A breakup isn't the only way to make a little space for yourself. Stepping back from the person without removing them from your life entirely helps you stay friendly while respecting your desire to change things.

Start small: don't call or text your friend as often as you used to. If they still want to talk a lot, answer every other time. You can also cut back on the time you spend together, or try to hang out in groups so it's not just the two of you.

Breakup etiquette

If you've thought it through and feel that a formal breakup is necessary, keep these dos and don'ts in mind:

Dos

Do talk to the person one-on-one.

Do be respectful about it. Explain why the friendship isn't working and stick to facts as much as possible.

Do prepare yourself. Your friend may be angry, have hurt feelings or questions.

Do stay calm. Try to not get drawn into an argument.

Don'ts

Don't break up on social media or in another public way that's likely to leave the person feeling hurt and humiliated.

Don't get someone else to deliver the message for you.

Don't list all of your friend's shortcomings or bring up things they've done in the past.

Don't gossip about the person or tell others about their flaws.

Don't pressure mutual friends to choose sides.

After the breakup

Getting over a broken friendship can be really hard, even if you know that ending it was the right thing for you. Try not to doubt yourself. Remember, you made this choice for you.

After breaking up with a friend, it's important that you:

Take care of yourself: ending a friendship can be stressful, so try to eat healthy, get enough sleep and exercise.

Be positive: it may help you to think about the space you've just made in your life - space for other friends to come in!

Stay strong: don't doubt yourself. You've thought this through carefully and know it's best for you. Be proud of yourself for having the strength to do this.

Find new friends: start by sitting somewhere else at lunch. Join a team or club where you can meet new people.

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Arguing with a friend? Here's how to fight fair. - Kids Help Phone

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Being friends doesn't mean you'll never argue. Disagreeing can be a sign of a healthy relationship, especially if it's done respectfully. It's important to fight fair and to make up after an argument. In good, productive arguments, both people get to say what's on their mind without feeling judged, mocked or insulted.

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Coping strategies for the next few days — and the next four years.

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Every morning, I greet my ancestors. On my bedside table, I have a little display of their mementos: the address book that belonged to my abuela, or my grandmother in Spanish; the lenses from my grandfather's eyeglasses; and a cassette tape of children's songs in Polish (a gift from my great uncle), among other things.

These items are a reminder of the love I have for my family - and of the wisdom they've passed down to me.

Ancestral altars, as they're called, are common around the world. In Mexico, people create an ofrenda, or altar, to remember loved ones on Día de los Muertos, or Day of the Dead. And in many Buddhist traditions and African religions, altars have a permanent space in the household so people can honor the dead not just once a year but every day.

Altars are for everybody, says Ehime Ora, who teaches people about African spirituality and how to pay homage to their family lineage. "You don't have to be religious or part of the Indigenous spirituality of any culture. Absolutely anyone can create [an altar] and an ancestor veneration practice."

While there are many ways to connect with your ancestors, altars offer a "sacred place" that can help remind you "that you're not alone in the world, you're not alone with your problems," says Camara Meri Rajabari, a psychotherapist who helps Black, Indigenous and people of color explore their ancestral roots.

Interested in setting up an altar at home and starting a ritual to honor your ancestors? Spiritual practitioners and Indigenous educators share a cross-cultural guide.

Step 1: Explore your intentions

Before you make an altar, figure out why you want to connect with your ancestors.

Maybe you want to bring their values into your daily life, says Chelsey Luger, who co-authored The Seven Circles: Indigenous Teachings for Living Well with her husband Thosh Collins. The book offers health and wellness guidance rooted in Indigenous ancestral practices.

Luger is a member of the Anishinaabe and Lakota nations. Her ancestral teachings have taught her the phrase Mitakuye Oyasin, which means "we are all related" in the Lakota language. "Everybody is a part of this greater web and nobody is greater or less than anybody else," she says. Paying homage to her ancestors reminds her of this philosophy - and her place in the world.

Keep in mind that your why doesn't have to be spiritual. You might create an ancestral altar to simply remember those who paved the way for you, Ora says. "If you don't want to look at it as a spiritual practice, look at it as a moment of gratitude for just existing."

Step 2: Choose a special spot for your altar

I put my altar on my bedside table because it's filled with my most treasured possessions, items that I wanted to have near me while I sleep.

Ora says my altar placement is perfectly OK - there isn't one right place for an altar. "I've had altars that were on top of dressers, tables, inside closets and even a suitcase."

As long as it's a designated space for "intentional, formal communication with our people," that's all that matters, she adds.

Step 3: Display objects that represent your ancestors

While an altar's contents and style may vary according to culture, religion and tradition, its basic purpose is to "house our ancestral energies," says Rajabari.

In many ancestral traditions, objects, symbols and belongings such as crystals, dolls and photos are displayed at an altar to embody our ancestors' energy, she says. These things "carry an energetic signature that connects with our sense of history and our imagination, which will give us the parts of [our] history that may have been lost."

See if your family can give you any family heirlooms or tchotchkes to add to your altar. Maybe your mom's cousin is sitting on a collection of buttons from a beloved great aunt, or maybe somebody inherited all the childhood photos of your great grandparents.

If you don't have items that belonged specifically to your family members, find things to represent them. Although Luger does not have an ancestral altar at home, she says she keeps "objects that we have spiritual reverence for." That includes a bottle of Givenchy perfume, the kind her grandmother would always wear. As for me, I have a Julio Iglesias cassette tape that I found at a vintage store on my altar, because my Titi Margot loved his music.

If you don't know these details about your ancestors, talk to older family members and ask them for information, which you can then use to find objects for your altar, says Ora.

"For example, if your parent said their mother was interested in gardening, ask them if they remember what her favorite flower was. Now you have an item that can go on your ancestral altar - and an offering that you can lay for your grandmother."

Once you have these things, arrange them at your altar.

Step 4: Start a ritual

Sometimes "we need a set of actions to help us to acknowledge things that are very sacred and special to us," says Collins, who co-founded Well for Culture, an Indigenous wellness group, with Luger.

Rajabari says a prayer and meditates at her altar every morning. "I talk to [my ancestors] about mundane things or I may bring them my challenges," she says.

In many African religious traditions, says Ora, it's common to leave offerings, such as food, for your loved ones. "Just as food provides us with nutrients for our health, this has a similar effect with our ancestors. It provides them with the strength to deliver on your prayers and grow the bond between you both."

As for my own ritual? I say good morning to each of my relatives. Sometimes I'll light a candle. Or I'll put on my grandmothers' rings.

I never got to know most of my grandparents and certainly not their parents. But when I sit at my altar, it honors the fact that they lived. And that brings me a lot of peace.

Your turn: How do you stay connected to your ancestors?

What is your relationship like with your ancestors? What have you done to learn about their lives, honor them or connect with them? Have you built an ancestral altar? Email us at lifekit@npr.org with the subject line "Ancestors," along with some photos, and we may feature your response on NPR.org.
The audio portion of this episode was produced by Audrey Nguyen. The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. We'd love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.

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How to create an ancestral altar at home: A cross-cultural guide : Life Kit

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subscribe to Life Kit podcast Every morning, I greet my ancestors. On my bedside table, I have a little display of their mementos: the address book that belonged to my abuela, or my grandmother in Spanish; the lenses from my grandfather's eyeglasses; and a cassette tape of children's songs in Polish (a gift from my great uncle), among other things.

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