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So, I see all of the characters here, but I do not see the connections between them. Also, you have the checkbook as a character as well as some of the places. You should have connected the people, labeled their connection and them wrote about the connection using the places.

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Coconut Sweet Shoppes

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Beverly Diamond and Gift Shoppe & Broadway Diamond Co.

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Hollywood Cadillac

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this doctor delivered Lawrence Exeter jr

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Hollywood hospital California toy land or bicycle company 

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palisades military school for boys and he was also his father.