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Going to Counseling with Joe, has very much changed my life.I go to him once a week, and it has been very good being able to always talk to him. He has helped me get through a lot in my and how to overcome them. Joe has also gotten me to talk about things that I never thought I would speak about aloud. We usually go into his office, talk about my week and then we relive the past and talk about how to yet overcome it. And it usually is emotional, but then we always try and end on a good note and he lets me go get a snack before i leave.

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STAY UP UNTIL 2 AM WRITING AND THINKING ABOUT LIFE. 

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STAY UP UNTIL 2 AM WRITING AND THINKING ABOUT LIFE. 

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This activity was actually easy for me because this is a nightly thing. Moat night i am unable to sleep until around 4 am, so I listen to music and write or read. I feel as though this does affect me in a good way because it helps to get my emotions and thoughts out while the world around me is quiet so i am able to think and only think. I have no distractions and i can just ramble on and on about life and what it holds for me. When i write it is usually about something that is hurting me or has been on my mind too much. A lot of the time it is about my family or how i have messed up in life and how i wish things could be different. Something that i recently wrote sent to a friend:

"Did I tell you my grandpa died on my moms side? And I didn't even know. I had to find out through Instagram a week later. & then I wasn't invited to his funeral. Like I can't describe how hurt I was. I was so mad at my "family" who said I left them. When they can't even talk to me to tell me my grandpa died. like he's already in the ground and I never got to say bye. And I went to go visit my favorite grandma (my moms mom) and it was so so hard. I had not seen her in over a year because nobody had told her anything because they didn't want to hurt her, so I looked like the bad person and I wasn't ready to have to explain how I wasn't invited to anything. Then when my cousin told me she knew everything I broke down. There was no absolute way I could talk to her. I avoided her and her calls when she was the only one who cared to talk to me. I felt like crap, but I couldn't talk about that to her. How all her kids and grandchildren don't want to talk to me. But I finally went to visit her a few weekends ago, and you know what she told me? She told me that my mom told my step dad she wanted to talk to me and see me. And he said that if she did he'd take my brother and sister and kick her out. And that she was crying because she want able to tell me happy birthday. And that she wanted to reach out but felt like I'd reject her. I reached out so many freaking times and she pushes me away and hurt me more and more every time. And then guess what? I went through my aunts phone & you know what she said? This is exactly what she wrote " my mom told me Leila is going overthere to see her. Please don't let her go over there and talk crap about my husband and my family. stop her big lying mouth if she says anything about my family or husband. Bcuz if I find out she overthere talking crap and spitting her lies. I'll drive over there and shut her up" do you know how stupid I felt for thinking I should talk to her and tell her I missed her. Like apparently she can drive to shut me up, yet she couldn't drive to come see me. We could've talked about everything. I know things wouldn't be the same. But it would be worth a try. Now there's never going to be a chance we will talk. My cousin told me that my mom said she doesn't know when she will ever see me again. Or if she even wants to."

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TAKE YOUR MOTHER OR FATHER OUT TO DINNER AT SHORT NOTICE. 

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TAKE YOUR MOTHER OR FATHER OUT TO DINNER AT SHORT NOTICE. 

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I have decided to take my friend Leticia out to dinner at a short notice, because I have been living with her, so she is like my mom and i appreciate all that she has done for me. I understand that this technically is not a topic to choose from, but it meant a lot to me because I do not have parents. Although, I legally do, all of my parents have chosen to leave my life. So, the fact that a teenager has decided to try and be the best "mom" she can be and give me a place to stay and help me with everything means the world to me. I've had a lot going on and she has been a great friend and helped me get through all of it, which explains why I am back at school. She herself says that she is my mom, and she has to take care of me. I told her we should go on a walk, so we did. We chose to go to Wienerschnitzel because we wanted fries and ice cream for dinner, and we ended up getting way too much food. But, since Leticia and I are cows and eat everything we still ate it all. This experience affected me because as we ate we talked about a lot of personal stuff and I became emotional. I had not cried or talked to someone in a while and it was hard to do. We ended up having a deep conversation when a song came on the speakers that my dad used to play and I started crying because I missed him and wanted him back in my life. She let me vent and told me not to cry but just kinda gave me advice and helped me through it....and yes, we really ate all of the food.

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WRITE A NOTE OF APPRECIATION TO SOMEONE. 

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WRITE A NOTE OF APPRECIATION TO SOMEONE. 

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This note of appreciation to someone was not that hard because a lot of the time I already inform people on how important they are to me and to my life. The person i chose to write this appreciation letter to is my close friend Adam. I have known him for a while now, and I hang out and talk to him often. We know a lot about one another, and each others past and we realized we have a lot in common which makes things so much better. Although I haven't known him for the longest time, it feels like it has been a while and i love how much of a close friend he has become. There have been times where i had absolutely no idea what to do and he was right there next to me, along with his family and friends trying to do the most to help me. And because of the relationship me and him have I would not do anything to mess it up or replace him.

Adam,
So i kinda have to do a project for class and one of the things i have to do is write a note of appreciation for someone so i chose you. I mean, you're kinda lame, but you're cool too. Moving on..so there are many ways that i "appreciate" you. But don't feel all special lol. Well, for starters thank you for letting me have a sleepover with you all last week :'). I appreciate you and the person you are even though you've been through so much; yeahhh, you're super cocky and i tell you all the time but i understand why. I know i already told you, but i really love the whole talk we had the other night and how you opened up to me, i appreciate you trying and and telling me personal stuff. And, the fact that you cried a "little" shows that you do have emotions, when i told you multiple times you didn't. I am very thankful to have you in my life, and I am very excited to see what happens in Hawaii with the two of us, even though you already gave me my two options smh. But, as i was saying before, I am so glad to have you in my life because your "cockiness" is what cheers me up and makes us play and get along so well. I know I've been going through stuff and that you've been there for me and it means a lot. Especially the fact that you asked me to move in with you, it shows you do care and that you are really trying. And, i know i told you this stuff the other night when i sent you that long text, but i have to tell you again but in a deeper way so you know i mean it. Also, quick fact, every time i go to the store i see snickers and i'm like "oh, Adam would want one." But, i haven't seen you yet, so ill see you sometime this week, maybe tomorrow? Maybe today? I Also really appreciate your mom and I'm glad shes kinda in my life and that we have the same name lol. I love your family, it seems like you guys would do anything for one another and that's why i think i like wanting to be around them and see them so much. But, back to you! I know I have attitude a lot, and I get moody, so I appreciate you putting up with me :). Even though you're wayyy more of a girl than I am, I still like you. The way that you make me feel like you'll always be here for me makes me feel really good as well. It makes me want to be around you non-stop, especially because you can always make me feel so much better....but yeah, i'm kinda just gonna stop here. Thank you for reading this! Hope you have a great day, even though you didn't go to school smh. See you later boo.
Leila

Thought he didn't go to school...guess he went late.

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I enjoyed doing this activity because it brought out my inner child. I have always loved coloring and drawing but do not do it as much as i use to because I am usually on my phone or hanging out with friends instead. It also was a very calming thing to do. Instead of constantly being on my phone or something else i had to take time and try and be patient and do something different that i haven't done in a long time. It also reminded me of when I would draw and color with my younger siblings. When I would color with them we use to just sit there for hours and quietly talk to one another and sometimes even color the pictures for each other.

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On this activity it was extremely hard but helpful. I actually sent it, but i did not receive a reply. Then again, I did not expect one because she has not replied once in 3 and a half years, only once to tell me negative things. Although, i knew i was not going to receive a reply i still sent it because I miss my mother more than anything and I wish she was back in my life. This letter had helped me to vet once again, and to reminisce on what i use to love about my past. This experience affected me in a positive and negative way. A positive way because I was able to express myself and the memories made me smile, even though they hurt. In the form of a negative way because i once again sent something knowing i was not going to get a reply back but hoping that i would.

Ana,

I know you don't expect for me to be writing this to you, but I just wanted to let you know some things. I saw something and I just felt like I had to finally say something to you. I honestly don't know if you care or not anymore..but here it is anyway. And I'm writing this really late, but I just can't sleep feeling like I have to talk to you, although it's felt like that for so long, I need to do something about it. You might not even read this. But I needed to know that you knew this. There was a thing somebody had sent me for Mother's Day and I really wanted to call you & tell you I love you. Although you have not been around, you're still my mom and always will be. You have been with me for so long. You were the first person I saw when I opened my eyes and the first person I loved. And that will never change. They sent me a picture that said "10 things your mom will never tell you."

1. You made her cry...a lot.
2. It hurt

3. She wanted that last piece of pie.
4. She was always afraid

5. She knows she's not perfect.
6. She watched you as you slept

7. She carried you a lot longer than nine months.
8. It broke her heart every time you cried

9. She put you first.
10. She would do it all again

And as I read the last line, I couldn't stop thinking about if you will ever do it again. You think I'm here and I don't care about you. You are constantly on my mind. I constantly go to bed and wake up in the middle of the night crying because I miss you and I want my mom back. But I know i will never have you back. And that's what hurts the most. Is you were never suppose to leave me. I try so hard and I'm trying to do big things for my future and I'm trying to help myself and sometimes I want to call you and tell you because I feel like you'd be so proud of me, and then I realize why does it matter? No matter how much I hurt, and I know you do too, things will just never be the same. I never ever thought there would be a time where we would never even have some sort of relationship. But I guess the time came. But the moment that you called me on December 18th, I couldn't do anything but cry. I knew I would never have my mom back again. The person that I constantly fought with, but we'd end up okay. Oh, how much I loved you tucking me into bed. I wish I could have that once more. And now I can see why I had always purposely wanted you to do it before I fell asleep because I knew there would come a day where you would no longer be able to tuck me in. I never thought it'd be now, but it is. At night I often lay awake when the world is fast asleep and it's so quiet and I take a walk down memory lane with tears upon my cheeks, and puffy red eyes, remembering you when I could smell your Ralph Lauren perfume and I'd tell you I wanted to have one too so I could smell like you. When I'd watch you do your hair and makeup and you'd get mad because you didn't like it when people watched you. The sound of your sandals, boots and heels on the hardwood floor before you left. How you would always pop your gum. The way you would move your lips to the side when you would think. When you'd take a nap on the couch after coming home from work at Solomon and telling us to be quiet before you had to make dinner. And now it hurts me more then ever because I'm slowly starting to forget the sound of your voice. I always had your number remembered and now, I couldn't even think about it, I had no idea what it was. That sounds dumb, but that hurt me. Because I use to talk to you everyday and now it's been so long. I hold you tightly and so deeply within my heart and you always remain there. The memories will slowly start to fade away, but a piece of you will always be there. I found your iPod in my room and when I hear the music it hurts me so much because that's the music you would play in your car that you loved so much everywhere we went. And now I listen it by myself. Without you singing along. Like you, bootis, Jordyn and me would all sing to pumped up kicks. And now when it comes on it feels like you guys aren't even on this planet. Or when id go help you at Solomon with the movie nights. Or when we would run, like when we ran to the PX. Or when we'd go to the mall, and spend all our money at papaya. But you know, I'm sorry for not being the perfect daughter you wanted. I love you mom. And I always will. I don't expect anything back from this. But I really need you to know that I don't hate you, I miss you like crazy. Although you left, and I wanted you to stay, there is forgiveness. For you to forgive me and for me to you. But mom, I'm not gone. I made it. I was given another chance after I wanted to give up. And I'm here and I'm hurting so much. I try SO hard to act like things are perfect at school and around the people around me. People tell me that I have others now, and I should be happy. But you're gone. A mother is always suppose to be there for you after you mess up over and over and over again. They are suppose to hold you when you cry. And I just wish I didn't have to constantly cry about not having you. Because I wish you were here. But I guess I will always have to keep wishing. This sounds really dumb but every night at 11:11 I wish for you. I make sure I'm awake just so I can make that wish. It's dumb, but oh well. People say you make a wish at that time and it will come true. And I'm always wishing for the same thing and for one day it to come true. I love you. Goodbye.

You're eldest daughter who will always be your little girl, Leila.