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My depression all started when I was in 2nd grade, well around that time. Back then it was just me and my mom living in Youngstown, I want to say that around that time it wasn't as bad, well not for long. My aunt and my 3 cousins moved in and started living with us. My 1st youngest cousin was months old, we called him baby Lucas. He was the happiest and funniest baby. My 2nd youngest cousin was named Sarahfina, I was to say she was 2 or 3, she was a energetic and also happy kid. The oldest one was 9, her name is Elaina (I think) She was funny and kinda happy. I was in a good school around that time, before they moved in my mom and I would go to the park and we would play. It's funny because when I was younger I was afraid of climbing plastic rock things, my mom would laugh and try to help me. when I got to the top I was so afraid to get down. Continuing to when my aunt and 3 cousins moved in, we watched shows and movies in the living room a lot, and that's where my mom would exercise sometimes. after some months things changed, since they got used to the surroundings Sarahfina got more picky, baby Lucas was the same, but Elaina changed, like, totally around me. I wanna say I was 7 or 6 around that time. Before I talk about what happens next there's another little thing that was also the cause of it. When my cousins and my aunt were asleep in the other room, and my mom left for work, I think I went on her computer and tried changing it to a different show like my Little Pony or Bubble Guppies, but instead I found really inappropriate stuff, I was too young to understand but when I saw pictures and videos about it, it's like my mind got clicked onto it. So I looked at that stuff for another morning when my mom would leave for work. I wasn't that addicted to that stuff, I want to say I was grossed out and I want to know why people did that disgusting stuff. But my oldest cousin apparently got hooked onto it before I did, and apparently she got really addicted. Continuing on when she completely changed, when my mom was home and she would leave to get my aunt from work, my cousin brought up about doing a specific thing. I wanted to know what it was but I was unsure so I said yes. (Emotional warning here) So then she sexually assaulted and rapped me when they were gone and while Sarahfina and Baby Lucas were doing something. That continued for weeks, but then one day she asked and I said no, she slapped me so hard I fell, I then cried and tried hiding behind something, she tried getting me but I didn't budge, so until mother and my aunt got home I told my mom that she slapped me but I didn't tell her that she sexually assaulted me and rapped me. She got in trouble for that but I was so uncomfortable around her after that. I didn't talk to her that much ever since and she stopped doing that stuff around me more. But one night my mom went to take a shower and Elaina tried doing it again, I told her I didn't want to, and said I would give her this thing if she didn't, and I gave her a pedal from s fish tank we had, and the fish was swimming in there. Then her wrapped her arms around me, I felt so uncomfortable, I wanted to cry so bad and go to bed but my 2nd youngest cousin was sleeping. I ended up falling asleep and then next day she was away from me and I sneaked out of bed and went downstairs on the couch then to the kitchen to get water, I was still practicing how to pour so it wasn't that good. After that I went to watch TV. I want to say that was the last time she ever did those things, that tension was still there but she never did it. A month later my aunt and my mom got in a big argument and moved out of the house, I was relieved that Elaina was gone but I was sad Sarahfina and Baby Lucas were gone. But I was also thinking how just all 4 of us were having fun and good times. After that I heard stories of how my real dad was put in jail, I forgot but he was, and he was there since I was 2. I heard many stories of how he would get really drunk and get mad easily and how he would punch walls and get pounced on by police a lot. I always wanted to meet and send letters to him but mother didn't send out the letters to him. I'm not saying she didn't want me to meet him it's that she forgets a lot. Months later I was in daycare and my mom took me to a babysitter but on the daycare part I met this really cool and funny friend, his name was Domino and we would play a lot. he was also in my school. One day he told me he was moving away and I was heartbroken. When he moved away we couldn't communicate because we didn't have any way to. I could still remember him. Then to the babysitter part it was years before there was this one kid, I didn't know his name but it was night and the nanny put us to bed, I was watching Walt disney and the kid was checking me if I was awake (He was a year older than me btw) and he starts being sexual with me, and he starts kissing me on my forehead, I didn't know why, then that's where it gets out of hand, he showed me his inappropriate part and tried getting me to touch it and do something else, then the nanny caught us. We both got in trouble and separated. Then another year later I met new people and made new friends, since it there was COVID 19 around that time I was homeschooled, I had a best friend and her name was Trinity, after the zoom calls of class we would zoom call together and talk and do activities together. One day she invited one of her friends and put a cuss word in the chat and put it on text to speech and it's like it echoed through my house and my mom immediately heard it and I got in trouble. One day I tried calling her and she didn't pick up, I tried everyday and she still didn't pick up and I was all alone, so then I had to go to a different school after COVID 19 was done. A year later my mom was with Steven when I was 3 but he wasn't there much, and Steven then introduced me to games, like Fortnite, Rocket League, Grand Theft Auto, and Super Meat Boy. Steven was always with people that did mixing and did music like he did, and those people were really nice but they did smoke a lot. Those games did affect me and when my mom would tell me to get off the game I did pick up anger issues. Games did affect me and that was another big thing. Later in the year, I was 10, and I got on my mom's computer and watched more and looked at more inappropriate things for months, it got to an addiction and got in trouble so many times and I still didn't stop and then I started lying a lot. So then Steven smashed the phone I sneaked from my mom's drawer, smashed my tablet and was really close to smashing the chromebook but didn't, then he got rid of the battery of my mom's computer. For a year I wasn't that addicted anymore but then I was introduced to Ai chatbots. I got really addicted to that, still am but not as much since I don't do it anymore, and that affected me too. All these things affected me throughout life and I still think about these. All these things make me think negatively about myself and give me anger issues. That's how my depression started.

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Lately it has been hard for me. I got in trouble 2 days ago because my dad told me I was grounded and I was playing video games. When he gets emotional he starts talking a lot and he starts being negative. and when he gets negative I get emotional and I feel like I want to cry but I just sit there and listen. He always tells me that when I look at him a certain way it's like I'm not listening to him, but that's not it. I don't know how to look at him when he's talking. A lot of times when he says that I just want to make a sad face or smile. Another thing about the conversation is that he brings up things I did in the past and how we talk about the same things over and over again. The things are so negative it's like I'm a horrible person. Before that happened I was playing this game it's called Basically FNF and it's on Roblox. I made a channel and I started putting videos of me playing that game. On that one song I had so many attempts and I had a combo of 1000 but then immediately rested when I got to that number back to 1. But I was happy that I got to that number. Anyways continuing back to the problems, Later that day when my dad was talking to me, he went on got my mom home and went straight to the Studio (Where he does music and mixing with other people and get money, technically his job) and so my mom was upstairs with me and I told her I was only going to watch TV since Steven didn't want me playing games. Then she's like what happened, so I vented to her and told her what happened. It also feels like if I told Steven what I was feeling I knew exactly what he was going to say like, "You know that way I have to tell you" and get into a really long conversation again. I don't want that, I just want to tell you how I feel and hope that you will understand. That's why I don't usually (Or ever) Talk to my parents. So my mom she helped me through the conversation and she said that she was going to let him know how I was feeling and she told me I could get back in the game tomorrow (Which is today) But do chores first. I was completely fine with that. So today I was hanging out with my little brother then Steven stand in the same spot that he talked to me when I got in trouble, that he apologized to me from how harsh he was to me and how he shouldn't;t have brought up the past things. He told me how he doesn't really know how to control his feelings and that he assumes that when he's talking to me that I don't listen or if I'm just ignoring him but pretending I'm listening. So when he tells me that it's because when he thinks I'm not listening he then talks longer to make sure I got those words in my head. So then I forgave him and today was okay I guess, my mom had to work today so around 4 Steven had to go pick her up from work. so I got laundry and the dishes done, then when they got home my mother got me a cream root beer and Nutella with pretzels, and so when I was done with those chores I went upstairs and played some game with my friend. So I guess today was a pretty good day. I'll talk about more in my next note.

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Play With Fire-Camellia FNF Roblox / PlayStation

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Today so far was pretty good, in the morning I got up on time which was amazing, but lately I have been having problems with family, especially myself. I have really bad anger issues and I have really bad depression. When my personal things just disappear I start to have anxiety and it gets really hard for me. I haven't seen my dad in a while which is a part of my sadness. He gets off work at 9pm but I never have the time to say hi or goodnight to him since I have to go to bed around that time or if I'm doing something or if my mom is watching Facebook on her phone. Originally I had a phone but that phone broke and now I can't text any of my family members, plus my mom won't give me a sim card for my watch so I could text to my family members. One time I had 50$ I got from my mom's friend for the service for my watch, and my parents took it for my brother's needs, I was fine with that, and they said that they would pay me back, they never did. I always try to have a positive attitude but negative thoughts just take over and I feel empty and nothing. Everyday when I'm going through troubled things I feel like I want to cry and then I don't eat much. It's a cycle, when I'm mad I get sad, then when I get sad I get depressed and I want to cry. I feel like depression first started when I was around 6 and I got sexually assaulted by my cousin and that horrifying memory just keeps coming back to me and it just makes me really mad and unsettling about myself. A lot of times in some of the days I hate myself. Well that's all I'm going to type, I have math. Bye bye :)

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what depression looks like as an drawing