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Dear Abby,

I am talking to someone who I am very interested in. Unfortunately, we started talking right as quarantine started and since our state is under a stay-at-home order, I have not met them. We’ve been talking for two months and we spend a lot of time face-timing. Because of this, we have gotten to know each other well. However, I still have my reservations because I have not met them in person. They want to start dating, but I am hesitant. I do not want to hurt their feelings but I am not ready for a relationship until I can go on a real date with them and/or meet some of their friends and family. However, as the quarantine continues to get pushed back, I am not sure when I will get to meet them, especially because they work in the medical field. Their position puts them at a high exposure to the virus, which means that it could theoretically be months. I do not see any real point in making it official when I can’t do it in person and there’s this huge stall on our relationship, but at the same time, I do not want us to lose our momentum.

Signed,

Quaran-tired

Hi Quaran-tired,

Quarantine is a frustrating time for everyone. I’m glad that you have this relationship as hope for your post-quarantine life. However, I understand the immense frustration of not knowing when you can begin getting to truly know this person you are excited about.  Also, it sounds like you, understandably, have a strong sense of dread for this upcoming time where you will have to wait it out.

My advice is never to jump into a relationship until you are ready. Tell him/her that this decision is not because you are not interested, but rather, it is important for you to spend time with them in person around their family/friends before you want to begin a relationship. If you rush into a relationship before you are ready, you will likely not be as satisfied in the relationship. Sometimes when the other person is more quickly interested in a relationship there is a pressure to ‘catch up’ to their level. However, I would try and resist this pressure.  Continue going at your own pace, as the relationship will be healthier if both parties are equally ready for the commitment. As previously mentioned, communicate with him/her that you see potential, but you are not feeling ready to move into a relationship until you have gotten to be around the other person more.

What seems to be holding you back is the inability to see this person in-person. To you it may seem odd or pointless to begin a relationship with someone you cannot spend time with, except over technology.  This is a valid reaction, however I would decide if the reason you are not ready to make the relationship official because you feel like you may not know the person well enough or if it does not match up with your expectations of how a relationship should be or how it should start. The difference here is important. If you feel like your hesitation is closer to the first, you may want to consider what it is you want to know about them. In this situation, it is likely the question of how is it hanging out with them in-person.

If the quarantine continues for as long as it is being projected, hanging out with them in some capacity may be better than nothing. There are ways you can spend time together, while also practicing social distancing (six feet apart). Although it is not a perfect substitution, it will make you feel like you got to interact with them in a more real setting rather than over technology. This will likely give you more insight into the person you are interested in. If the relationship continues to progress, you may decide that the risk of being close to them is worth taking, but hopefully at this point the infection rate will have significantly decreased.

If you are more frustrated that this relationship does not fit your expectations of what a relationship should look like, consider stretching your expectations. This is not to say that your argument for wanting to begin a relationship once this virus is completely cleared up is completely valid, even in these unusual circumstances. However, I would advise you to be open-minded to how the beginning of this relationship may be different than most, but it can still be purposeful and fulfilling.  Even though the world is seemingly halted, if you decide that you are highly interested in this person, this relationship can still move forward. Creativity and patience will be important but this time can still be meaningful and momentum-building. Further, if neither of these fears resonate with you, you are possibly not emotionally ready for a relationship. If that is the case, I recommend politely communicating that you cannot continue this relationship with them.

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Dear Abby,

I am 22 years old and have been dating a girl for a year and a half and things have been going great. I am wanting to pop the question, but there is an issue. I am a Christian, and I believe in going to church and following all of the ways God says we should live, and my girlfriend does not believe in God. We discussed this at the beginning of our relationship, but I ignored the topic, and the issues that could arise from it, because I was falling for her hard. Now this is a major issue, and I am not sure how to talk to her about it without starting a fight and possibly losing her from my life.

Please help,

Burden Bearer.

Hi Burden Bearer,

Religion can be a hard topic to discuss if one half of the couple is a religious person and the other is not. The first question here is how open is your girlfriend to giving religion a chance and seeing if it is something that she could either be okay with participating in even if she does not believe, or if it is something that she could possibly believe in once she gives it a try. The next question is have you spoken to her about why she does not believe in God? There could have been an issue in the past that caused her to lose her faith, and therefore this could be a touchy subject. Whatever the case may be, the man is in charge of leading his house in the ways of the Lord, but the woman also has a role in that for the husband and for the (possible) children.

There comes a time where you have to set boundaries for yourself on what you are and are not willing to allow in a relationship, and religion is not exempted from that.  Whenever one allows for their boundaries to be crossed, it leads to destruction of other boundaries that eventually ends in destruction. For this reason, I believe you are at a diverging road. The good news is that you are not the only one who has suffered from this, and you still have time. This was not as common of an issue in the past, but as the world continues to see higher levels of individuals moving away from religion it is becoming more and more common. Marital satisfaction is still possible, and the decision to be able to look past this issue can either strengthen your relationship or it can be something that sets you up for failure in the future.

Look Burden Bearer, what this really comes down to is what are you willing to sacrifice? You can either give up your desire to have a wife who believes in a religion like you do, or you can give up the relationship that you currently have with your potential wife in order to find a woman who shares your same religious beliefs. If you are worried that the ways she will parent your children, and that she will have moral and ethical values that are so different from yours that will cause tension, then that is something to also discuss with her. There is still a possibility that she will share your views on parenting without the guidance of a religion there. I recommend speaking to her as soon as possible about this issue, and also looking into some outside resources, such as a therapist (religious-affiliated therapist or not), so that someone can mediate such a sensitive topic as this one. I hope that you two can find a way around this issue, but it seems like this is a topic and concern that is close to your heart, so above everything else I hope that you can come to a decision that is best for you. Do not lose yourself, but do not ruin something special.

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Dear Abby,
I think that having children in a marriage is a natural step that every couple takes, but my boyfriend does not. In our relationship, differences are the ones that brought us together, but I am scared different thoughts on having kids might break us apart. We talked about having kids to see where we both stand, and his answer shocked me. I think what made this situation worse is that we did not talk about our priorities early and often, and after 3 years of a serious relationship I found out that he does not want kids. I do not know what to do. I do not want to sacrifice my happiness and settle for something I do not want, but I love him so much. I have always dreamed of having a big family with kids. I was crushed and depressed. This is the person I love, but we are not going in the same direction. I really wanted to be honest and prioritize my needs.  -Ms. L.

Dear Ms. L,

Unfortunately, this is the kind of problem that needs to be discussed as soon as possible. I can see that you are very much in love with your partner and on a path towards a lifetime commitment. The first thing you should do is to find out exactly what your partner is actually doubting about having kids and why he feels that way. Sadly, if you had a conversation about having kids and have not agreed on a decision both of you will be happy with, it might be time for goodbyes. If you have a very romantic and perfect view of marriage with kids that is not supported in reality and you do not end it eventually anger will come out. So many realistic details have to be right for marriage to succeed. As of right now until emotions calm down, the simplest decision to make is to maintain the current situation, because our comfort zone is soft and comfortable, and if upsetting, it will come with challenges. Everyone should try to live the life they want, and they dreamed about, whether it is full of children or endless holidays and late nights out. That does not mean you can’t go down the road with your partner’s wishes just to save the relationship, but make sure it is a decision you accept and you are happy with it too. Do not lie to yourself or your partner if you really can’t see yourself not having kids or vice versa. The longer you wait to tell the truth, the sadder the break-up will be.

On the other hand, if breaking up is not something you want to do, there might be a few ways to compromise. For example, you could look into potentially fostering a child to see if it satisfies your partner’s parental feeling. Fostering is a powerful process and a new home can have a long-lasting effect on a kid, but settlements are temporary and can let you both see what it is like to be parents without making a final decision. You will feel better for yourself, and less anxious.

Your partner probably has a lot of good reasons why he does not want children, and you may understand them all. But, in every single case, giving up your own happiness to keep your partner happy is a recipe for future disharmony in marriage. Choosing not to have children must come from your honest desire not to have them. There is a possibility that there is just no way to compromise. Compromising in a marriage or relationship can sometimes be hard. They are called deal breakers for a reason and you are completely allowed to have your feelings about children be a non-negotiable problem. I understand that he wants you to have what you want, and you want him to have what he wants, but that might mean doing those things separately. Regardless, give him some space to process and think about the situation and do not try to make him think the way you do about the problem. Maybe he will rethink his decision, and agree on having a child, be patient.

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Dear Abby,

I’ve been dating my girlfriend since we were in high school. We attended the same college, the same clubs and even the same major. Now that graduation is approaching for the first time we will be separated. She has decided to go to grad school, and I am going straight into the workforce. I have a great job in our college town lined up and she is going across the country for school. We talked about relocating together but I do not want to give up my opportunity and I don’t want her to miss out on hers. Part of me feels that the time to go our separate ways but I don’t want to end this relationship. Dear Abby, how do I keep this relationship going over long-distance?

Sincerely,

A confused Senior

Dear Confused Senior,

Long-distance relationships are difficult but not impossible. They do require more work than your traditional relationship. It’s great that you and your partner have been able to maintain a healthy relationship for this long. That being said, I can understand your apprehension about this new challenge you are about to face. You said that you both considered relocating in order to stay together. I believe that you both made a mature decision by choosing to go long-distance. It is very easy for resentment to build over time if you’ve made a substantial sacrifice for your partner or vice versa. You two are very wise for sticking to your own individual paths to preserve your relationship.

Your feeling of wanting to end things when facing a challenge like this is very common. Long-distance or a transition in a relationship can be quite daunting. Especially during a time of transition such as the end of college. If this is what you desire, and that is key if this relationship is what you desire, then it is obtainable and can be yours. Before going any further in this journey, you need to make sure that this is what you want. And if that changes you must communicate that with your partner. That aside, here are some tips on how to maintain a long-distance relationship.

For this to work, there has to be a time where you and your girlfriend need to sit down and make a set of realistic expectations and set clear boundaries. This is key for creating a healthy relationship whether it is long-distance or not. Realism is key. You both know each other’s schedules and each other’s temperaments. If you know that your partner needs a time of isolation or that they don’t communicate well through text. Be attentive to your partner’s needs. I’ve known some couples who try to talk on the phone every day or set rules about the exclusivity of the relationship. These are just examples and ultimately you have to do what works for you and your partner. What is essential is that you two stay open and honest with each other about how you feel. Life has pulled you two into different directions geographically, however, you two still need to be on the same accord. If you have agreed on a time to skype that has to be respected. You have to be just as committed and tuned into this relationship as you would be if it were not long distance. This is not going to be a walk in the park. There will be moments where you will feel far apart and moments when you feel stronger than ever. As long as you two respect each other’s boundaries and expectations there is no reason this cannot work. Good luck and congratulations on Senior year.

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Dear Abby,

I am writing to you because my partner has an addiction and I do not know what to do. He seems to be not fully acknowledging it, but I’ve been clearly seeing the signs. He is beginning to prioritize his addiction over me and our family. He also turns into a completely different man when he drinks. I married a much different person than the one I am dealing with today. I hardly even recognize him anymore. I have tried to confide in my close friends and family for help, but I am constantly getting different answers on what to do. Now I am even more confused and overwhelmed. Please give me some advice on what to do. I love him and I want to get him help and to save our marriage, but I am hitting a breaking point.
- Mrs. C

Dear Mrs. C,

This is a very difficult circumstance you have here, but I will try to give you some helpful advice. To start, having anyone you love struggle with an addiction can be extremely hard, and even heartbreaking. It may seem impossible to deal with, though there is a potential light at the end of the tunnel. To begin, addiction is something that you may not have not noticed for several years. It could be a habit that you thought was normal, but over time spiraled into something out of your control. It is also easy for family members to pretend nothing is wrong. It is hard to accept the fact anything may be wrong with somebody that you love. Though when somebody is addicted, as you said, they may begin to pick their addiction as being more important than you. So for a first step, I would suggest having them first acknowledge the problem. Denial is very common when it comes to addiction, so this may take some conversations to get through to them. Though hopefully they should come to realize that things need to change for the better. Then once they have fully acknowledged something is wrong and that they want to get better, then you can move forward with potential help and treatment. All of this can be very overwhelming for not only your loved one with the addiction, but also for you and the family members involved. So it is beneficial that all family members are on board and with this whole situation. Having everybody working together and on the same page will be extremely helpful to everybody, and will hopefully lead to a better outcome. This is a difficult circumstance, and all of you need each other's support. So once he has acknowledged that he wants to receive help, I would suggest some form of treatment such as counseling, or a support group. This could also include yourself. Not only does your husband need help, but you cannot forget about yourself either. It may be eye opening to see that you actually are not alone in this. It is also important to take care of yourself, because all of this can be mentlaly exhausting. It is important that you  have all your strength to get through this tough situation. On the difficult chance that your partner refuses to acknowledge his addiction or get help, then an ultimatum may need to happen. Nobody wants it to come to this point, but if there continues to be damage on the family and you and your husband's relationship, then he definitely needs a wake up call. If he continues to get worse, this could be an unsafe place to live with you and your children, and some irreparable damage could be done. So in that case, I would suggest looking into some options of separation. This can be very difficult, and I’m sure you do not want it to come to this, but it may be in the best interest for your family and your safety.