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Our “favorite” person King George,

I know we’ve been cooperative for quite some time, but these new taxes are getting out of hand. I mean, you are taxing the one thing that makes us British - Tea! If we don’t get our tea, we will revolt! Your passing of these brutal acts has left us bereft in the face of taxes, tariffs, and lack of representation in government- so please consider these wrongs. It’s been tough to write this declaration without tea breaks, but here you go:

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Most importantly, we are dying here from thirst. How can we go upon living without our tea, and also… the other necessities. You first wronged us with the passing of the Sugar Act of 1764. This levied tariffs on textiles, wines, coffee, and sugar. I mean, how are we going to have tea without sugar? Disgraceful. On top of that, you bombarded us with following acts such as the Townshend act of 1767 in which you placed further restrictions on tea, paper, glass and paint. Similarly, you have prohibited our representation in the British government. In 1769, you dissolved our Representative houses in Virginia and North Carolina for resisting these taxes you’ve “graciously” laid upon us. Beyond that, We Americans are forced to look at soldiers from the British army all throughout the day. Despite granting us some form of self-autonomy, you have denied our say in the occupation of the British armies. We clearly did not consent for these armies, and nor do we feel obligated to quarter them in our houses as you stated in the Quartering Act of 1765. I mean who would want to care for those smelly British men - their teeth are all crooked. Lastly, but not of the least importance, you have denied us of our trading privileges in the Navigation Acts. So, how are we going to get our tea, and how are we going to sell it? Disgraceful.

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In short, we want independence. America has been dealing with your antics for far too long, and if you don’t leave, the only solution is revolution. We will humiliate you for all of Europe to see. Just watch our scrawny army take you down in a series of the most unlikely victories.

If you’re trembling from the sight of our patriotism, just please consider the following: allow us to govern ourselves freely, let us trade freely, repeal your tax acts, and remove your soldiers from our land.

This is a nation where we value our freedoms, such as governance and economical and social mobility. Has the Boston Tea Party and Massacre not been enough for you to see what we want?

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Long Live 'Murica
- Ye boi Thomas Jefferson