# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
3. Body Response to Emotions

When you experience emotions, there are changes in your body. Sometimes people have trouble sensing their body changes. To regulate your emotions you have to be pretty good at sensing what is going on in your body. If you have practiced shutting off our body sensations, this can be difficult. However it is a learned response and you can unlearn.

Emotions involve body changes such as tensing and relaxing muscles, changes in heart rate, breathing rate, skin temperature and color, increases and decreases in blood pressure, etc. The most important of these changes for you to be aware of are the facial changes: clenched jaw, tightened cheek and forehead muscles, tightened muscles around the eyes so that they widen or narrow, grinding teeth, loosening and tightening around the mouth.

Take note of your posture and facial expression. Are you hunched over, trying to make yourself smaller? Are you smiling? What are your hands doing? Are they open, willing hands or are you wringing them? These seemingly small changes communicate a lot about how you're feeling.

Researchers now believe that changes in the facial muscles play an important part in causing emotions. That's why works.

4. Action Urges

Emotions involve what are called action urges. An important function of emotions is to prompt behaviors. For example if you feel angry, you may be prompted to fight. Or if you feel fear, you may be prompted to run.

The action itself, the fighting, or running, or hugging is not part of the emotion, but the urge to do the action, the feeling that prompts you to do the action, is considered part of the emotion. For example, if you feel angry at someone, you may feel an urge to start yelling at them. That urge is part of the angry feeling. But the fighting is not part of the feeling.

5. Expression and Communication

One of the most important functions of emotions is to communicate. In order to communicate something, an emotion has to be expressed. Sometimes, if you have not learned to express your emotions, you may think you are communicating but the other person isn't getting it. This can cause misunderstandings.

Emotions are expressed by facial expressions, words and actions. Expressing emotions through behaviors can also cause problems, because different people interpret behaviors in different ways.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
When you experience emotions, there are changes in your body. Sometimes people have trouble sensing their body changes. To regulate your emotions you have to be pretty good at sensing what is going on in your body. If you have practiced shutting off our body sensations, this can be difficult.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Emotions allow us to experience the heights of excitement, joy, and love, as well as the depths of anguish, guilt, and sorrow. Emotions color our worlds and are the foundation of our basic humanity. They act as signals to us, alerting us to what is happening internally. That bodily surge of excitement is a clear indication to us that something positive is happening. In many ways, these "alerts" are like constant news updates of our internal experience.

The initial emotional response that you have to what is occurring is a primary emotion. These powerful feelings arise quickly and don't require cognitive processing of the event. If you found out that just won the lottery, you would likely have an instant emotional response of joy or surprise. On a sadder note, if you just found out that a loved one has passed away, you would likely feel a powerful emotion of sadness quite quickly.

There is another level to our emotional responses called secondary emotions. These are your emotional reactions to your primary emotions - feelings about your feelings. An example of this is yelling at your significant other because he or she has done something to make you very angry. The primary emotion of anger comes on very quickly, but you may later begin to feel guilty (the secondary emotion) for having gotten so angry. This relationship between primary and secondary emotions can be quite complex.

A more complicated example is feeling anxious (primary) about an important presentation at work or school, then becoming depressed (secondary) while thinking about the overwhelming anxiety, later feeling worthless (secondary) about feeling unable to make the presentation, then feeling guilt (secondary) the day after the presentation about having made such a big deal about it in the first place. Emotions quickly and easily become layered on top of one another as situations unfold, until it becomes more and more difficult to remember what we were feeling in the first place.

How can you use this knowledge about primary and secondary emotions to enhance your own life? Try practicing mindful awareness of your emotional experience in your daily routine. What basic powerful emotional responses (primary emotions) to events do you find yourself experiencing? How do your subsequent thoughts about the emotional event create new feelings (secondary emotions) within you?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

McKay, M., Wood, J.C., & Brantley, J. (2007). The dialectical behavior therapy skills workbook. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Featured image: Jump for Joy by bingbing / CC BY 2.0

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.authors[].name
View all posts by Laura K. Schenck, Ph.D., LPC →

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Primary Emotions vs. Secondary Emotions - Mindfulness Muse

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Emotions allow us to experience the heights of excitement, joy, and love, as well as the depths of anguish, guilt, and sorrow. Emotions color our worlds an ...

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
It is common for everyone to experience shame from time to time. But if you are constantly feeling embarrassed and self-critical, it can be debilitating to your mental health.

Here are five simple steps to reduce shame:

1. Name your shame

2. Listen to how you speak to yourself

3. Write about your shame

4. Tell someone you trust

5. Reframe it by using affirmations and self-compassion

Build Resilience
Resilience is important for adapting in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, or stress. Building up your resilience will directly expand your window of tolerance and improve your ability to deal with difficult life experiences.

1. Build Connections

2. Foster Wellness

focus on all three aspects of health, not just one or two of them ( physical, mental, and social)

Avoid negative outlets (masking your pain with substance abuse)

3. Find Purpose

look for opportunities for self-discovery

take steps towards your goals (long term and short term goals)

embrace change and be optimistic

help others (supporting a friend, volunteering, connecting with support groups)

2. How to Self-Regulate

Going back to the analogy of your window of tolerance being a river you float down. Self-regulation is an island along that river. When you start to feel uncomfortable and have difficulty staying afloat, you can stop and take a moment.

This gives you an opportunity to return back into your window of tolerance. When you're not too far out of your window of tolerance, you have a better opportunity to self-regulate.

The further outside you are, the more severe the symptoms will be which makes it more difficult to self-regulate. Overcoming hyperarousal is also generally easier than compared to self-regulating when you experience hypoarousal.

This is why awareness is so important, it gives you the ability to identify when you first begin to dysregulate. Being able to recognize your window of tolerance allows you to take action, you can use one of the techniques below.
Self-Regulate Hyperarousal
When you experience hyperarousal symptoms you can soothe yourself with these techniques:

1. Release your anger (try one of these)

close your eyes and lay down to let yourself relax and calm down

give yourself a 10-second hug by wrapping your arms around yourself and holding tightly

stretch your arms out in front of you to relieve that tension built up

shake it off to relive that stress

take a drink of water to cool yourself down and calm your nerves

2. Breathing exercise

pause for a moment

take a long and slow deep breath

inhale with your nose and fill your lungs

hold the breath for 3 seconds

exhale with your mouth

count each breath and do at least 10 deep breaths

Self-Regulate Hypoarousal
When you experience hypoarousal symptoms you can activate your body with these techniques:

1. Activate your senses (tap into your five senses)

2. Grounding exercises (try one of these)

notice your feet connecting with the floor, how does it make you feel

hold an object in your hand and really focus on it

5, 4, 3, 2, 1 exercise, close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, open your eyes, and look around the room and acknowledge:

Additional Self-Regulation Techniques

1. Physical activity

2. Challenge your thoughts

3. Write things down

writing helps clear your thoughts and unloads all your emotions out

clearing mental clutter gives clarity and focus

here are some additional tips on how to write for mental health

4. Panic Anxiety Stress Support Kit (PASS)

mental health first aid kit to carry around with you

provides tips and tools for relieving anxiety and stress

simple, easy to use and access that provides real strategies to alleviate your symptoms

read more about what the mental health kit offers here

Start Managing Your Window of Tolerance

Learning to manage your window of tolerance can go a long way on your road to recovery from trauma, anxiety, or extreme stress. To recap, there are three main steps to take:

1. Recognize your window of tolerance and build awareness of your symptoms

2. Widen your window of tolerance to reduce the likelihood of leaving it

3. Self-regulate when you dysregulate and experience symptoms of hyperarousal or hypoarousal

Keep in mind that this takes continuous practice. There are no short cuts to recovery and doing this once or twice will not make a long-lasting impact on your mental wellbeing. Take things slow and try to learn one thing at a time.

Regularly practice of the tips and techniques mentioned will teach you to instinctively recognize your window of tolerance and self-regulate when required.
If you know someone suffering from past trauma or anxiety that could benefit from this guide, I encourage you to share this with them.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
How to Recognize Your Window of Tolerance - Mind My Peelings

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Have difficulty dealing with trauma, anxiety, or demands of life. Learn to recognize your window of tolerance and self-regulate with these simple steps.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Explore the benefits of self-compassion practices. Foster self-love, resilience, and positivity with these guided exercises.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
The mind is a judging machine.

Everything that we experience is filtered, categorized, and dealt with in some automatic way.

Some things are judged as "good", so we grasp for more, and cling to what we have.

Other things are judged as "bad", so we hide, resist, and run away from them.

And everything else? That's judged as "neutral", so for the most part, we ignore it entirely.

There's nothing inherently wrong with these judgments. It's the nature of the mind to judge.

Sometimes, these judgments are helpful. They can lead you to understand the things that bring you up, give you energy, and fill you with purpose. They can help you understand what doesn't resonate with you, and leaves you feeling drained.

But when left unchecked, the judging mind is taxing and controlling. It takes significant energy to evaluate every experience you encounter. There's always something to be done about wherever you are.

Chase the "good"

Flee from the "bad"

And ignore the "neutral"

When you're unaware that these judgments are influencing your behavior, you're just along for the ride. Like a marionette reacting to a puppeteer, you become trapped by your conditioned judgments and reactions.

Mindfulness presents an alternative to this vicious cycle in the form of non-judgment.

What is Non-Judgement?

As Jon Kabat-Zinn reminds us, "mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and without judgment."

The last part of that definition, non-judgment, means letting go of the automatic judgments that arise in your mind with every experience you have.

Setting down the judging mind, even for a short while, is a refreshing weight off of your shoulders.

In practicing non-judgment, there's no longer anything to be done about the present moment. No grasping for more, no resisting what's there, and no ignoring of life's experience.

When you stop trying to react to your experience, you can open up to it completely, resting in mindful presence.

Simply being, you awaken to the reality that the present moment is whole as it is. You don't need to do anything or go anywhere to see that. You just have to be.

Non-judgement isn't about stopping judgments from ever arising-that's impossible. It's the nature of the mind to judge.

Instead, it's about changing your relationship to your judgments. Knowing that they're temporary thoughts, and you don't need to be swept away by them just because they arise in your mind.

Why Does Non-Judgment Matter? (4 Benefits)

To practice mindfulness is to make direct contact with the experience you're having. Getting in-touch with the actual experience itself is a freeing and peaceful state. Along with that comes a host of benefits.

Non-judgment opens you up to more of life's beauty. Judging something as "neutral" means it's not worth your attention. But when you remove this judgement of "neutral", you have the chance to see the beauty and wonder present in every aspect of life. Any activity can be a wonderful, enriching experience if you take the time to pay attention to it.

Non-judgment helps you off the hedonic treadmill. So much dissatisfaction comes from the endless quest for more. Be it money, accomplishments, or titles, the motivation of that pursuit comes from the judgment that what you have now is not enough. Letting go of that judgment, you can appreciate the countless positive qualities of where you are now.

Non-judgment helps you cultivate a peaceful mind. Your judgments are the only source of stress about the "bad" things in your life, or whatever might happen in the future. Letting go of the judgment of "bad" frees you from the suffering caused by interpreting it this way.

Non-judgment helps you see clearly. When reacting to your judgments, you're only seeing your interpretation of what's there. Letting go of those judgments helps you see things as they actually are.

What Does it Look Like to Practice Non-Judgment? How can I get Started?

Practicing mindfulness meditation helps you build familiarity with the quality of non-judgment. In meditation, every time you notice your mind has wandered, you practice non-judgment by gently returning your attention to the original object of awareness.

Outside of a meditation practice, the process is simple:

1. Notice when judgments arise. Witness whatever comes up in the body or mind in conjunction with that judgment.

2. Recognize the thoughts that are there without denouncing them or clinging to them.

3. Move forward with clarity, staying present to the experience at hand.

Without practicing non-judgment, we can't be mindful.

But when we do, it opens up a whole new dimension of life's experience.

Keep Reading for More Actionable Wisdom

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Non-Judgment: What is it? And Why Does it Matter? (4 Benefits) | Mindful Ambition

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Non-judgment is one of the core principles of mindfulness. Learn what it means and why it's so important to living mindfully.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Wise_Mind experiencing integration & intuition

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
"It is not because things are difficult that we dare not venture. It's because we dare not venture that they are difficult." - Seneca

Once you have an understanding of what your most deeply held values are and what specific goals you have set to begin to live those values, it is important to recognize that barriers arise along the way. You can begin to build up awareness and skills to deal with barriers to effective action as they come up in your life. Rather than allowing the experience of discouragement towards an unmet goal to cause you to give up, feel confident that you are prepared to handle the inevitable obstacles that arise along the path towards living a values-based life.

"F-E-A-R:" Barriers to Effective Action

We often get in our own way when it comes to living the life we truly want. Harris (2009) explains that psychological barriers usually get in the way when it comes to making positive life changes. These barriers can be understood through the acronym F-E-A-R:

When we embark out in the world, ready to make positive life changes, there is a natural tendency to experience an accompanying emotion of fear. It is scary to change, even when that change is positive and desired. Many people are more comfortable sticking with what they know, even when that reality is painful and causes suffering, than to venture out into the unknown.

When making life changes, expect your mind to create thoughts such as "I can't do this," "This is too hard," or "I'm going to fail." These thoughts don't have to get in the way of your goals if you choose not to fuse with them. When you fuse with these self-defeating thoughts, you are getting in your own way from moving forward. Practice cognitive defusion exercises to begin to detangle yourself from thoughts that try to prevent you from maintaining your forward momentum.

E = Excessive Goals

Sometimes when we desire to make positive life changes, we get very excited and try to change too much all at once. Recognize that this is unrealistic and will set you up for failure. Don't do this to yourself. Instead, begin to learn how to set realistic goals that are outside of your comfort zone enough to push you, but are still within reach.

Consider what resources you have at your disposal to reach your goals. Examples of resources include time, money, skills, and physical health. Begin to recognize how much you have to give at this point in your life as you set your goals. What changes can you make to gain access to or free up additional resources? Practice setting small, intermediate, and long-term goals underneath the larger umbrella of being both challenging and realistic.

A = Avoidance of Discomfort

It is common to experience uncomfortable thoughts and emotions during times of change - particularly anxiety. If you are not willing to tolerate distress, don't be surprised when nothing changes. You must be willing to move through discomfort. This is the path towards growth, change, and renewal. When we spend our lives avoiding discomfort, little change occurs.

How can you begin to gradually move out of your comfort zone and experience the type of discomfort that promotes growth and change? Consider your values as you evaluate what it means to you to be "uncomfortable." How much might you have missed out on in life as a result of avoiding potential discomfort? Growth can be scary. Recognize that those growing pains will pass and that you will come out on the other side with greater wisdom, knowledge, and strength.

R = Remoteness from Values

If you lose touch with the deeper values underlying your goals, it is easy to become detached and lose sight of why you are doing all of this hard work. Recognize that maintaining your motivation requires you to stay in touch with the deeper meaning and purpose behind your actions. Harris (2009) explains that this barrier to effective action commonly occurs when:

We can't or won't access our true values.

We confuse rules and morals with values.

We "talk about" values, but don't really "connect" with them.

We adopt the values of our parents, important others, or community, rather than our own.

How can you begin to anticipate and deal with the inevitable psychological barriers to effective action? Recall that "effective action" means doing what works towards reaching your goals that are in the service of your deeper values. If your actions are ineffective, you may find that they cause you unproductive suffering or keep you "stuck." When you feel prepared to deal with these psychological barriers, you will be ready to handle the feelings of anxiety and fear that come up during times of change. Make the choice to accept the inevitability of uncomfortable thoughts and feelings on the path towards living a purposeful, values-based life.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Harris, R. (2009). ACT made simple. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Featured image: Looking death in the eye by Alaskan Dude / CC BY 2.0

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.authors[].name
View all posts by Laura K. Schenck, Ph.D., LPC →

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
How to Deal with Barriers to Effective Action - Mindfulness Muse

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
"It is not because things are difficult that we dare not venture. It's because we dare not venture that they are difficult." - Seneca Once yo ...

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Crisis Text Line | Text HOME To 741741 free, 24/7 Crisis Counseling

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. We're here for everything: anxiety, depression, suicide, school. Text HOME to 741741.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Dialectics, What Is It?

Dialectical means that two seemingly opposing positions can both make sense at the same time, and when considered together, it can create a new way of looking at the situation.

Dialectical Life = Balanced Life

When we approach life dialectically, we are able to:

see that all people have unique qualities and different points of view.

honor the truth on both sides of a conflict. We validate others' points of view without giving up our values.

become more flexible in our thoughts, and more likely to find a new way to solve the problem wisely.

avoid extreme positions such as "black or white" or "either...or" thinking. Instead, we use "both...and" thinking to find the middle ground in life situations.

Examples of Dialectical Self-Statements

I am doing the best I can AND I can try harder, do better, and be more motivated to change.

I can be shy AND I can be outgoing.

My parents are really strict AND they really care about me.

I feel sad when I got an F on my math exam AND I can still enjoy the rest of the day.

I feel nervous about public speaking AND I feel excited to interact with the audience.

There are a lot of tasks at hand AND I can focus on doing one thing at the time.

I can be honest about my opinions AND thoughtful without hurting others' feelings.

What Is DBT's Biosocial Theory?

DBT theorizes that a person's severe emotional dysregulation and problematic behavioral strategies stems from a combination of biological predisposition (e.g., emotional vulnerability) and environmental factors (e.g.,chronic invalidation from one's environment).

Invalidating Environment - The invalidating environment is defined by the tendency of others (often with good intentions) to negate and/or respond erratically and inappropriately to private emotional experiences.

Normal Invalidation - It is natural and normal that even within a well-meaning, caring, and loving family, invalidation can still occur. It is defined as a "normal level" of invalidation.

Development of Emotional Dysregulation - The transactional nature of biosocial theory implies that individuals may develop patterns of dysregulation via different routes. Emotional dysregulation can result from the transaction between a person with a high level of emotional vulnerability and a family with a normal level of invalidation. It can also result from the transaction between a person with a low level of emotional vulnerability and a family with a high intensity of invalidation.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Dialectical means that two seemingly opposing positions can both make sense at the same time, and when considered together, it can create a new way of looking at the situation.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
To perform at our best in crucial conversations, marrying mindful intentions with mindful actions helps to ensure that you can make good on your good intentions.

You stare in stunned disbelief. "Did she really just say that? What the h*ll's wrong with her? Didn't she hear what I just said? I'm never going to get through to this person."

All of a sudden, your high-stakes conversation has just taken a sharp left turn. Your good intentions and well-laid plans have flown out the window.

You start to feel off balance. Heat rises up the back of your neck. Breathing becomes heavier. Palms sweat. Mouth dries. Thinking scrambles. Focus narrows. Run away or lash out?

Now isn't exactly the time to excuse yourself so you can go down the hall and meditate for 20 minutes. Instead, you'll need to collect yourself in the moment to practice mindfulness in action.

* * *

Whether you are what I call "mindful-curious," new to mindfulness, or an experienced practitioner, chances are that you've heard a lot about solitude, stillness, and silence. For sure, many solo practices that require these conditions are invaluable for training yourself to become more self-aware in a non-judgmental way.

Yet to practice being mindful in social interactions, you can't be alone, still, or quiet. By definition, you have to be with others, you have to act, and you have to communicate. So what's a well-meaning practitioner to do?

To perform at our best in crucial conversations, marrying mindful intentions with mindful actions helps to ensure that you can make good on your good intentions.

Your ability to be simultaneously curious and grounded is more likely to communicate that you are mature and self-possessed, and that you are willing to listen and act with goodwill toward your audience, all of which contributes to your credibility and a constructive conversation.

While practicing mindfulness in action is a wide-ranging and lifelong pursuit, you can get started with a few simple practices for cultivating poise in crucial conversations. Start by practicing the following exercises solo one at a time, then graduate to putting them together in conversations with others.

Solo practice can take the form of visualizing before a conversation or reflecting after. Keep your mental rehearsals creative and flexible, trying out different approaches that will help you improvise fluidly in the moment. Keep reflections constructive by focusing on what you can learn and apply in the future. Avoid slipping into ruminating on the wrongs you've suffered or justifying your righteous actions. I've found visualizing and reflecting in journal writing to be especially effective.

When you are ready, incorporate lessons learned in solo practice into live in-the-moment conversations. You may start with lower-stakes and then progress to higher-stakes practice. Lower-stakes situations generally have a lower emotional charge and less riding on them, such as small talk over coffee or leading a routine meeting. Higher-stakes situations generally carry more potential for emotional reactivity and may have a lot riding on them - for example, coaching someone to up his performance, negotiating a delicate deal, or handling conflict skillfully during a tense exchange.

1) Fully Arrive

Like many yoga and meditation teachers, I often begin my weekly community center yoga classes by asking students to take a moment to "fully arrive." As it turns out, this is a really useful practice for all kinds of situations off the yoga mat too. So I also ask faculty and staff to "fully arrive" in mindfulness-at-work sessions, and I ask students to "fully arrive" to prepare for giving a presentation or role-playing a difficult conversation. You can adopt this practice too as a prelude and interlude in crucial conversations.

Of course, there's always a bit of irony in the direction to "fully arrive." Checking in with ourselves, we can smile quietly when we recognize that although we might be here in body, we're not yet here in spirit. We might notice that we're still gnashing our teeth over that slow driver who stole our parking spot 10 minutes ago. Or maybe we're having a hard time letting go of worry over an overflowing email inbox. Or maybe we're distracted by feeling overworked or sluggish from low morale or burnout. In conversation, we often have a history with others that casts a light or shadow over the interaction before it even starts, affecting the way we show up and perform.

Just as in yoga class, "fully arriving" for conversation means making some small postural adjustments to support transitioning into your own present-moment awareness. But in conversation, "fully arriving" by embodying an alert-yet-relaxed posture has the added benefit of communicating to others attentiveness and respect. In this way, you can use your "fully arriving" practice to do double duty as inner work that helps you and outer work that helps you connect.

So how do you embody "alert-yet-relaxed"? If you are in a crucial conversation, you probably aren't sitting cross-legged on a yoga mat or meditation cushion, so try practicing a naturalistic version of Mountain Pose, either standing or seated in a chair. Rather than practicing in an exaggerated, rigid fashion, see if you can practice with an air of poise that is supple enough to move in any direction as the situation calls for and the conversation unfolds.
[Practice] Alert-Yet-Relaxed Posture

Whether standing or sitting, place the soles of your feet on the floor at about hip's distance apart.

If standing, distribute your weight evenly between the two feet. Lift energetically through the arches of the feet, gently waking up the muscles in your legs and toning through the lower and upper abdomen.

If sitting, wiggle your fanny way back in the chair and sit upright on your sitz bones. Keep your feet flat on the floor and knees in line with the hip bones to avoid clenching between the inner thighs.

In both cases, keep your pelvis neutral and elongate your spine by lifting through the sides of your torso. Relax the tops of your shoulders while lengthening through the back of the neck. Picture the head sitting lightly on the top of the spine. Arms can be held gently at your sides.

Gaze ahead softly, while maintaining an open and responsive brow and facial expression. Begin to memorize this alert-yet-relaxed countenance so you can re-center and return to it at any time.

Practicing the alert-yet-relaxed posture solo can help you build muscle memory so that you can more readily shift into a constructive stance during conversation. For example, in a low-stakes conversation, you may become aware that you've slipped into slumping sideways in your chair. On the inside you may feel fatigued and just want to get comfortable, but on the outside you realize that this posture risks communicating disinterest. Shifting subtly into an alert-yet-relaxed posture again will not only help you brush away mental cobwebs, but can also help you communicate that you are in fact interested in the other person and your conversation.

Your alert-yet-relaxed practice can be even more valuable in high-stakes conversations. Suppose in the heat of the moment you catch your neck tightening, your forearms tensing, and your body starting to lean forward strongly. Your solo practice can help you be aware of how much you've drifted from your constructive home-base position. You may realize that your high-tension posture reflects but also feeds your growing internal pressure. Since you are in a social interaction, you become aware that although this posture is in one sense authentic, it isn't going to serve you very well because it is likely to escalate an interpersonal conflict as the other person picks up on your increasingly aggressive body language. Your low-stakes practice then can help you subtly shift back into a more constructive alert-yet-relaxed stance that can cool your inner fire and defuse the risk of conflict.

2) Breathe In Curiosity, Breathe Out Stability

As part of your solo practice, once you have arranged yourself in an alert-yet-relaxed posture, you might bring your attention to your breathing. At first you may just observe your breath without changing anything, using it as a kind of dispassionate information, much as you would in a mindfulness meditation exercise. Sometimes just noticing your breath in this way leads it to evening out and growing more still and quiet, which can have a calming effect.
Showing up all blissed out, however, may not be an optimal state for performing well in a conversation, especially in a high-stakes one. As you probably know from experience and research has shown, people tend to perform best at moderate levels of arousal, neither too low nor too high. So for the purposes of an important conversation, you will want to learn how to adjust your breathing to fit the performance demands of the moment.

Yoga breathing practices, called pranayama, teach that manipulating the breath in particular ways can alter the way you feel. For example, inhaling brings oxygen into the body, which can be more energizing, while exhaling expels carbon dioxide, which can be more purifying and relaxing. To feel more energetic, you might breathe in more deeply; to feel more relaxed, you might breathe out more deeply.

Actors take this type of exercise to another level by combining breathing with imagery and intentions that will help them perform at their best. For example, dynamic belly breathing before or during a performance brings energy into the body, focuses the mind, and prepares both for moving into action. Imagining a character's core motivations helps the actor move into action with purpose and passion. If at any time the actor becomes rattled, he or she can re-direct stage fright and scrambling thoughts to the stabilizing effects of "feeling your feet."
[Practice] Grounded Curiosity Breathing

While in your alert-yet-relaxed posture, begin to pay attention to your breathing. At first, only observe your breathing for clues that help you detect information about your inner state. After a few rounds of breathing, begin to shift your attention from simply observing your breath into investing your breathing with intentions that will help you perform at your best.

As you breathe in, feel the effects of inhaling as if gathering inspiration from your surroundings. As you do this, imagine being curious not only about your own experience, but the experience of the person you are speaking with and the possibilities that may arise as your conversation unfolds.

As you breathe out, feel grounded in this alert-yet-relaxed posture, giving attention to the stability of your feet and core body, and if seated, your connection with the chair. Imagine that while the currents of the conversations may shift, you can stay grounded and stable.

Continue to breathe: breathing in feeling curious; breathing out feeling grounded.

Grounded curiosity breathing can come in handy in conversation. For example, during a low-stakes conversation, after checking in with your breathing, you may notice your energy dragging because you have already heard what is being said many times before. In that moment, you might gently shift into your alert-yet-relaxed posture and then quietly begin to breathe in more deeply for a few rounds of breath. As you listen to the other person, strengthen the effects of these physical micro-adjustments by reminding yourself of your intention to be curious about the possibilities that are unfolding. Perhaps you'll resist the urge to interrupt with a question and find that given some space, the other person volunteers the answer or moves into a new direction without you having to ask. As a result, you've managed yourself, and the other person feels heard.

Perhaps you'll resist the urge to interrupt with a question and find that given some space, the other person volunteers the answer or moves into a new direction without you having to ask.

In a high-stakes conversation, energy levels can run higher. Some moderate energy in a high-stakes conversations is not all bad since it can boost performance. But sometimes the quality of your breathing - perhaps too fast or holding your breath - may tell you that you that your energy is getting too high and approaching a point of diminishing returns. In this case, you may gently shift into your alert-yet-relaxed posture, and quietly begin to breathe out more slowly or deeply for a few rounds of breath. To accentuate this micro-move, remind yourself to "feel your feet" as a way to get out of your head and back into your body, while reminding yourself that you can feel grounded and stable in your alert-yet-relaxed posture. As a result, you free up your inner resources to make better in-the-moment choices about how you respond.

Learning to detect and modify your own energetic level during conversation not only benefits you, but may subtly influence the person you are talking with. As you model the ability to self-regulate, you implicitly invite the other person to do the same. This mirroring or matching effect can be especially strong if others already see you as a leader and are taking their cues from you. Your ability to be simultaneously curious and grounded is more likely to communicate that you are mature and self-possessed, and that you are willing to listen and act with goodwill toward your audience, all of which contributes to your credibility and a constructive conversation.

While these micro-moves can sound like a lot to think about and do during a conversation, the beauty of practicing them is that they become more easier and more natural over time. Just like learning to ride a bicycle means learning to balance on the bike as you peddle forward, learning to balance your energy as a conversation unfolds begins to get easier the more you do it and learn to trust yourself and your ability to ride conversational ups and downs.

3) Connect to the Generous Interpretation

Your alert-yet-relaxed posture and grounded curiosity breathing practices will help you poise for the uncertainty of having a conversation. Depending on the situation, this uncertainty may be a pleasant source of creativity or a worrisome source of stress. Sometimes it's a mixture of both.

When all is going well, connecting through conversation comes easily and is its own reward. A challenge arises though when a conversation turns midway from constructive to adversarial, possibly threatening to become destructive. How do you stay connected-to your own intentions, the other person, and the unfolding moment?

Often these moments begin with an uh-oh pinch of some kind. The pinch can come from inside you: "I really don't feel like having this conversation right now." The pinch can come from the other person: She says something that rubs you the wrong way. Or the pinch can come from the situation: Time is running out.

Having shifted and re-collected yourself, you are better equipped to redirect your attention away from a stress response and your narrowing focus toward a more generous interpretation of what is happening.

No matter the source, when meeting resistance, a common stress reaction is for our focus to narrow. Biologically, this is part of our body's preparation for fight-or-flight. Our deep instincts start to take over. At very high levels of stress, we may want to either hastily retreat or bulldoze ahead with our own agenda and shut down any opposing views. But even at moderate levels of stress, although we stay physically there, we start to tune out or shut down, or start to stonewall or jab back. Unfortunately, succumbing to any of these temptations quickly closes down the possibility of making more skillful choices.

Instead, if you can catch yourself starting to react to resistance, start by going back to your alert-yet-relaxed posture and returning to your grounded curiosity breathing. Having shifted and re-collected yourself, you are better equipped to redirect your attention away from a stress response and your narrowing focus toward a more generous interpretation of what is happening. Making this move raises the odds of transitioning from fight-or-flight into mindful constructive action.

The move toward a generous interpretation can be quite difficult because it is so counterintuitive to the way we are feeling in the moment. This is exactly why making this move requires practice. At first you may be better off practicing the generous interpretation during reflection on a previous difficult conversation. Your reflection could take the form of a quiet contemplation, a journal entry, or a discussion with a supportive friend. You may also practice it as a visualization in anticipation of a difficult conversation. Definitely road test it in a low-stakes conversation before attempting in a high-stakes one.

Notice an uh-oh pinch somewhere in your body. Often it feels like a contraction, a flinch, or a recoiling. Notice that your awareness is moving intensely toward taking care of your own needs or defeating the other person's needs in some way. Recognize that the conversation itself has started to sound like a tit-for-tat exchange.

Move into an alert-yet-relaxed posture. Focus on your exhalations for a few rounds of breath. Breathe out feeling grounded. Feel your feet. Feel your body and mind begin to regain equilibrium.

Visualize drawing a circle around you and the other person to symbolize the unfolding story that you are both in the midst of co-creating, even if the exchange has become adversarial.

Soften your chest with the intention of extending generosity toward yourself, toward the other person, and toward the unfolding moment.

See if you can imagine a generous interpretation of what is happening in this moment that will allow the conversation to move back onto a more constructive track. Begin to respond as if that generous interpretation were true and see if that begins to improve the quality of your conversation.

This practice has been invaluable for me as I have worked hard to improve a troubled relationship with one of my colleagues. She and I had had several disagreeable interactions over the years. Truth be told, my dislike and discomfort with her had been going on so long that I had trouble remembering exactly why I felt this way. I had even worked my way into avoiding contact with her whenever I could. This blew my mind, because after all, I'm a professor of communication, so I ought to be able to figure this out, right?

One day another colleague and I were talking over this troubled relationship. Quite off-handedly he said to me, "You know what I hear is two people vehemently agreeing with each other."

His comment gave me pause. His generous interpretation had re-framed for me the nature of our pattern of conversation. I started to think about what was reasonable about her opinions. I started to think of her as a person who could teach me things I needed to understand.

I pictured her when I practiced lovingkindness meditation. At first, wishing that she "may be safe from harm, safe from inner and outer danger, and at ease and happy" didn't come easily. But in time, I was able to feel that sentiment more genuinely. I thought about her troubles, the facts that she had been widowed, had suffered some major health setbacks, and worried about her financial security. I realized how important being respected for her seniority and expertise was to her.

In time, I began putting the generous interpretation practice into action during our conversations. As I did, I discovered we had more in common than I had given her credit for. I began to soften my outlook and began to act as if my new generous interpretation were true, even when we still had our differences. Over time, I'm happy to say that making this move has transformed our relationship into one that is more cordial, cooperative, and constructive.

* * *

With practice, your ability to translate your good intentions into mindful action in crucial conversations will become more second-natured. Like learning any skill, you may need to devote a certain amount of effort to learning to fully arrive by adopting an alert-yet-relaxed posture, to practicing grounded curiosity breathing, and to connecting with an unfolding moment of conversation by invoking a generous interpretation. For simplicity, commit these moves to memory with A, B and C-arrive, breathe, connect-and see whether you don't show up and perform better than ever before.
This article also appeared in the June 2016 issue of Mindful magazine.

By practicing self-awareness, you can listen with greater care-not only to words, but also to the emotion and meaning that's being expressed. Read More

Do you find yourself looking at your phone when you're supposed to be paying attention to a friend? Trade in technology for some old school listening. Read More

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
3 Important Lessons on Mindful Communication - Mindful

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
To perform at our best in crucial conversations, marrying mindful intentions with mindful actions helps to ensure that you can make good on your good intentions. You stare in stunned disbelief. "Did she really just say that? What the h*ll's wrong with her? Didn't she hear what I just said?

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
The Skillful Podcast: #11: Radical Acceptance

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Today, Marielle and Ed discuss the skill of Radical Acceptance. Radical Acceptance is a Distress Tolerance skill that helps you stop fighting reality, however painful that reality is. When you can fully open up and radically accept what is happening in the present moment, suffering decreases.  Show Highlights:  Getting too focused on change can sometimes backfire Radical acceptance is not against change Radical acceptance is different than plain old acceptance Our instinct is often to fight painful things that are happening Radical acceptance is not negating a sense of justice or fairness Denial of reality can keep us from taking steps towards change Acceptance does not equal approval Accepting painful things can be a process The first step in moving forward from painful things is accepting that they did happen Sadness often comes up when we radically accept Pain is a part of life for everyone - it can’t be avoided It’s a fallacy to think that if you accept things you don’t like about yourself you won’t change Radical acceptance doesn’t mean we don’t have preferences We need to radically accept the past If you are practicing Radical Acceptance of something in the future make sure you are only accepting known limitations Willing Hands is a skill that can help you Radically Accept To practice Willing Hands, turn your palms towards the sky and relax your arms When we fight reality, we are often holding a lot of tension in our bodies Links & Resources Ask Us a Question! We’d love to hear from you! Where are you getting stuck with your skills application? Ask us a question for the chance to have it answered on the podcast. Submit your question   Please note that questions, and this podcast in general, are not a substitute for individual mental health treatment.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
What science has taught us about emotional experiences

Have you ever caught yourself wondering how and why we become emotional? First, it's important to note the similar characteristics of emotions, regardless of the emotion being felt.

Here's a quick breakdown of some common characteristics of emotions:

There is a feeling, a set of sensations we experience, that we are consciously aware of. However, our ability to feel any emotion doesn't necessarily mean we are aware of which emotion is being felt).

An emotional episode can be brief, sometimes lasting only a few seconds, but they can also last much longer at times. It's important to remember that if it lasts for hours, then it is a mood and not an emotion.

It is about something that matters to you personally.

We experience emotions as happening to us, not chosen by us.

The appraisal process, in which we are constantly scanning our environment for those things that mattered to us, is usually automatic. In other words, we are not conscious of our appraising, except when it is extended over time.

There is a refractory period that initially filters information and knowledge stored in memory, giving us access only to what supports the emotion we are feeling. The length of one's refractory period varies depending on the person and the circumstances, and can last anywhere from a few seconds to much, much longer.

We become aware of being emotional once the emotional experience has begun, when the initial appraisal is complete. Once we become conscious that we are in the grip of an emotion, we can then reappraise the situation.

There are universal emotional themes that reflect our evolutionary history, in addition to many culturally-learned variations that reflect our individual experiences. Essentially, we become emotional about matters that were relevant to our ancestors as well as ones we have found to matter in our own lives.

The desire to experience or not experience an emotion motivates much of our behavior.

An efficient signal-clear, rapid, and universal, often in the form of facial expressions, informs others of how the emotional person is feeling.

Fabricated emotional expressions can be detected, with difficulty, from greater asymmetry the absence of specific muscle movements that are typical in genuine expressions but difficult to perform voluntarily, and discrepancies in the timing of the expression from what fits the words being spoken.

Emotions masked with a smile they still leak the felt emotion in the upper eyelids, eyebrows, and forehead.

Learn to Read Emotions on Your Own

We know it can be difficult to grasp all the concepts and processes of our own emotions, let alone interpreting the emotional experiences of others. With the Micro Expressions Training Tools online program, you can learn how to spot micro expressions and other nonverbal emotional cues that reveal a people's true feelings. Get access to the groundbreaking research that government agencies, educational institutions, and Fortune 500 companies across the globe are applying to their own operations.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Explore the common characteristics of emotions, similarities in emotional experiences, and the science behind how and why we become emotional.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
We all make judgments from time to time. Yet, judgments can prompt lots of unhelpful emotions and distract you from dealing with a situation accurately or helpfully. But what exactly is a judgment. A is a statement that takes facts of a situation and adds a personal preference, value, or opinion to it in an objective manner. For example, "The rain is terrible" is a judgment because it is your opinion, and others may feel differently about the situation. "It is raining today. I notice I feel sad when it rains" is a non-judgmental statement that clearly portrays what's actually happening in the situation.

Not all judgments are "bad." Judgments are super helpful in many situations, such as who we choose to spend time with, how we make decisions, or what kind of clothing we prefer. However, sometimes judgments can be unkind, unhelpful, and overwhelming.

It's human nature for our minds to constantly judge, categorize, and label things. "I'm such a weirdo" or "It's cold today so today will be a bad day" are examples of unhelpful judgments. Unkind judgments aren't right or wrong but are often unconscious and unproductive. These judgments can make us or others feel "bad" and can get in the way of handling situations in a way we are proud of.

In DBT, we practice a few skills that help us stay present and use non-judgment. These skills are called the and skills. WHAT skills include observing, describing, and participating in the present moment intentionally and in a particular way. HOW skills tell us HOW to use the WHAT skills in a meaningful way. is a HOW skill where we practice being present in the current moment and stating a fact without adding our personal opinion to it.

A rule of thumb... if you are using the word good, bad, or should, you may be judging! You might be thinking, "Yikes, I say these all the time." Take a breath, we'll help you begin to get unstuck from judgments.

When you find yourself having an unhelpful judgment, try this activity. You will need a pen/pencil and a sheet of paper. Create five (5) columns on your paper and follow the prompts below. I've also created a on how to do this activity to make it even easier for you!

1. Situation: Briefly describe the situation that prompted your unhelpful judgment. No detail is too small! Describe where you were and what time of day it was. For example: "I am sitting in a coffee shop in the middle of the day, it was raining, and I am having a vanilla latte."

2. Judgment: Write down your thoughts, the exact words that crossed your mind. For example: "The barista at this coffee shop hates me because she didn't smile when I ordered." If you don't have any specific thoughts, write down the quality of your thoughts. Were they unkind, negative, "judgy?"

3. Resulting Emotion: How did you feel when judging the situation? Unhelpful judgments generally result in negative emotions. If we let these thoughts and quality of thoughts keep going, it often leads to more unhelpful judgments and strong emotions. For example: "I felt sad that I thought the barista didn't like me. I felt worried when going back up to the counter to ask for a refill. I started to feel like other people didn't like me too."

4. Outcome: What happened after the situation? Did you get through your task/day/event the way you wanted to? Or did you feel too many negative emotions that you didn't act in a way you would have liked? For example: In the coffee situation, maybe your head was filled with thoughts about the barista to focus on the assignment you were working on. Or you hastily sent a snide message to a friend afterward, which led to your additional intense and overwhelming emotion at that moment.

5. Reframing: Try to transform your thought into a non-judgmental and fact-based statement. Examples:

Judgment: "The barista at this coffee shop hates me because she didn't smile when I ordered."

Mindful Reframe: "The barista didn't smile when I ordered. I feel worried when people aren't friendly. I know that other people's actions are not my responsibility."

Judgment: "I'm always weird at parties."

Mindful Reframe: "I feel anxious and awkward when I go to parties. I have a hard time saying things the way I want to when I'm anxious."

Judgment: "My friend was late today. They should have known how annoying that is!"

Mindful Reframe: "My friend was late today. The fact is that they have always struggled to be on time. I notice I feel frustrated and bothered when people are late."

Remember that just reframing these judgments won't get rid of judging. It creates more awareness and space in your mind, so you can shift away from judgment and return to the present moment. When you practice this on your own, you also help those around you (i.e., your kids) learn to take hold of and shift their minds.

For more information on being mindful of judgment with the help of a therapist, reach out to us at hello@mindchicago.com.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Non-Judgment for Beginners! - Mind Chicago

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
We all make judgments from time to time. Yet, judgments can prompt lots of unhelpful emotions and distract you from dealing with a situation accurately or helpfully. But what exactly is a judgment.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
observing and describing emotion worksheet

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Wise Mind: An Intuitive, Centered State of Mind | DBT Skills from Experts

# data[].attributes.body
SKILL

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Stillness For Stress Relief  |  15-Minute Meditation  |  Yoga With Adriene

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Yo-Yo Ma - Nature at Play: J.S. Bach's Cello Suite No. 1 (Live from the Great Smoky Mountains)

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
DEARMAN: How to Communicate Assertively | DBT-RU

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
emotion regulation what emotions do for us

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
INSTANT Panic Attack Relief (Guided Meditation for Immediate Calm)

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
4-7-8 Calm Breathing Exercise | 15 Minutes of Deep Relaxation | Anxiety Relief | Pranayama Exercise

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Relax into This Present Moment: A 15 Minute Guided Mindfulness Meditation

# data[].attributes.body
Youtube channel with meditations

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.keywords[]
fitness workouts "women's health" "20 minute workouts" "try to keep up" "basic skills challenge" dance "viral videos" video health

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
We help people feel better. Here at SELF we're all about healthy eating tips, nutritious recipes, fitness advice, workouts, beauty how-tos, celebrity cameos, and more fun and useful videos to help you feel your absolute best.

# data[].attributes.body
Mindfulness Exercise Ideas

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Meditation for Anxiety - Yoga With Adriene

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Justin Michael Williams is an author, speaker, and Top 20 Recording Artist who has keynoted at some of the world's most prestigious companies and organizations. He is a celebrated leader in diversity and inclusion with a mission to bring us together through connection, compassion, and well-being. His science and compassion-based DE&I movement has caught the eye of companies like Google, Ultragenyx, Bloomberg, VMWare, Grammy.com, Billboard.com, The Root, The Advocate, and universities worldwide. He is a voting member of the GRAMMY Awards Recording Academy and the first African American member of the Board of Trustees for the Esalen Institute in Big Sur, California.

Justin grew up in a household with gunshot holes on the outside of his childhood home, and by using the transformational methods he teaches today, he's become a pioneering millennial voice in diversity and inclusion in wellness. He now shares the stage with great leaders like Marianne Williamson and Deepak Chopra. Justin knows well the pain of adversity and the power of healing to overcome. With his groundbreaking book, Stay Woke, and over a decade of teaching experience, Justin's message of hope and empowerment has spread to more than 40 countries around the globe, particularly through his national "Stay Woke, Give Back" tour that brings mindfulness to youth in underserved communities. Justin is dedicated to using his voice to serve, to being a beacon of hope for those who are lost, and to making sure all people of all backgrounds have access to the information they need to change their lives.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
MEDITATIONS FOR THE PEOPLE: Free Meditation Album

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Justin Michael Williams is an author, speaker, and Top 20 Recording Artist who has keynoted at some of the world's most prestigious companies and organizations. He is a celebrated leader in diversity and inclusion with a mission to bring us together through connection, compassion, and well-being.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Guided Mindfulness Meditation - Go Easy on Yourself - Self-care and Self-Love (15 Minutes)

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
15 Minute Beginner's Mind Meditation to Let Go of Perfection | Mindful Movement

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Guided Meditation for Peace and Calm (15 minute mindfulness practice)

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Journaling can be a useful tool for working through your emotions and feelings. Using prompts can make it easier.

If you've tried writing down your thoughts and feelings, you probably know it's not always easy to get started. But using the right journal prompts can help you get the ball rolling.

Psychotherapist and licensed mental health counselor Haley Neidich explains that journaling is a low-commitment and easily accessible tool for emotional management.

The simple act of writing things down can help you work through many emotional challenges that may be holding you back. Journaling can be a great tool for your emotional health, particularly if you incorporate it into your daily routine.

"Having a private space to let out and explore your inner world can help you to create perspective in your life and clarity around your needs," says Neidich.

But if a blank page feels daunting, you may find it helpful to use prompts.

Identifying what you're feeling is an integral part of nurturing emotional awareness.

If you're unsure whether you're feeling anger, sadness, or disappointment, working with prompts can help you uncover these emotions as well as process them.

Some people may often experience emotional challenges because they could mask how they're feeling.

"When we can look at it directly and sit with it, the distress will typically diminish," Neidich adds.

Getting to the root of what you're feeling can also help you better understand these emotions and how they affect you.

Neidich recommends these starting journal prompts for processing feelings:

Which emotion(s) am I trying to avoid right now?

Why am I trying to hide from this emotion?

What does this emotion need from me?

What is preventing me from addressing this feeling?

If you're often hard on yourself, even when the people around you are supportive, you may benefit from working on self-compassion.

Self-judgment that occurs because of cognitive distortions can make being kind to yourself difficult. Cognitive distortions are filtered thoughts that make things look more negative.

Neidich suggests using the following writing prompts to work on self-compassion:

What purpose is being hard on myself serving?

What would it take for me to be kinder to myself in this moment?

What would it sound like if I spoke to myself the way I would to a small child?

"These prompts are typically most effective when each question is answered sequentially," says Neidich. She adds that the last prompt is one of the most "powerful exercises available."

As you start your journaling exercises, try to remember that self-compassion starts with not putting yourself down.

Going through heartbreak, whether because of the end of a relationship or a significant loss, can be difficult. Journaling can be a helpful way to process your emotions and heal.

"A breakup is the perfect time to get clear on your desires and needs when it comes to future relationships," says Neidich. She suggests using this time to look inward and hone in on your values and desires.

The following prompts may help guide you while overcoming heartbreak:

What have I learned (about myself, others, relationships, life) from this relationship or loss?

What has this relationship taught me about what I do and do not want in a life partner?

Attachment theory, a concept conceived by psychiatrist John Bowlby, says that infants form different bonds with their primary caregivers. The quality of these bonds depends on the readiness of the caregiver to respond to the baby's needs.

Children who develop secure attachments typically have had their needs met most of the time. They often grow into adults capable of forming and nurturing healthy relationships.

Those children who have had inconsistent responses to their needs are more likely to develop anxious bonds with others.

Research from 2016 suggests that those who don't form secure emotional bonds with their caregivers may experience challenges with adult relationships.

If you have difficulty with emotional security in your relationships, Neidich suggests that it may be helpful to work on the following journal prompts with your partner:

What boundaries do I need to set in this relationship to feel safe and secure?

What are my needs in this relationship?

What do I need from my partner to have them met?

"Knowing what each other's needs are and figuring out how and whether you are able to meet those needs can establish an incredibly strong partnership and help avoid resentment and emotional pain," says Neidich.

Journaling is a helpful tool to process your feelings and work on your emotional health.

Prompts can make journaling more approachable and effective. Using them regularly can help you explore how you feel and how to use these emotions to build on your emotional well-being.

Strong emotions may come out of journaling exercises. This is why it's advisable to seek the support of a mental health professional who can help you develop coping skills to better manage emotions.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Journaling For Emotional Health: 12 Writing Prompts

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Journaling can be a useful tool for working through your emotions and feelings. Using prompts can make it easier. If you've tried writing down your thoughts and feelings, you probably know it's not always easy to get started. But using the right journal prompts can help you get the ball rolling.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Handling stressful thoughts. ACT leaves on a stream exercise.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
TIP Skills: Reduce Extreme Emotions Quickly | DBT-RU

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Guided Mindfulness Meditation for the Morning: Starting the Day (15 minutes)

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.authors[].name
Jason Stephenson - Sleep Meditation Music

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Back To Basics Guided Meditation: For beginners & returning meditation users

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Guided Mindfulness Meditation on Recognizing Your Emotions

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
15 Minute Body Scan Meditation for Grounding and Relaxation

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Self-Compassion for Beginners Guided Meditation

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Morning Awakening: 15 Minute Somatic Mindfulness Meditation for Self-Healing | Mindful Movement

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Judgments about ourselves and others can increase emotional suffering and negatively impact relationships. Judgments are often assumptions, interpretations, or myths that we add to the facts. We then tend to mistake our judgments for facts.

This episode explores how to notice all of the subtle and often habitual ways judgments show up, as well as how to shift into a nonjudgmental stance.

For more information, including the full show notes, visit our website: https://bayareadbtcc.com/podcast/

Ask us a Question

We'd love to hear from you! Where are you getting stuck with your skills application? Ask us a question for the chance to have it answered on the podcast. Submit your question

Please note that questions, and this podcast in general, are not a substitute for individual mental health treatment.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Today, we take a deep dive into working with judgments.&nbsp; Judgments about ourselves and others can increase emotional suffering and negatively impact relationships. Judgments are often assumptions, interpretations, or myths that we add to the facts.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Leaves on a Stream | Guided Meditation for Observing Thoughts | Mindfulness for Humans

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
The window of tolerance: what is it and what does it do for me?

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.provider_name
The Wellness Society | Self-Help, Therapy and Coaching Tools

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Urge surfing is a specialized skill used in dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) treatment. In this article, we'll give a brief overview of DBT and the module of distress tolerance skills, as urge surfing is one of the skills within this module. We'll then dive deeper into the nature of urge surfing, equipping you with the knowledge to try out this skill today.

DBT was founded in the 1980s by an American psychologist, Dr. Marsha Linehan, and her colleagues. When viewing the problem behaviors by those who struggle with emotional dysregulation, DBT theorizes that these struggles are mainly due to a combination of biological and environmental factors.

Furthermore, DBT cites that high emotional vulnerability factors combined with exposure to a long-standing invalidating environment are the origins of the symptoms that an individual is currently struggling with.

Historically, this was a primary treatment for people diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD), however, it has seen been applied in a broad variety of contexts.

DBT aims to assist people to remain in the moment, regulate their emotions, find healthy ways to tolerate stress, and improve their relationships.

Of the four modules of DBT which are mindfulness, emotional regulation, distress tolerance and interpersonal effectiveness, we'll focus more closely on distress tolerance.

DBT views distress and pain as a part of life that often cannot be avoided. DBT also views the avoidance of this distress or lack of accepting the reality of a situation as a root cause of unnecessary suffering. DBT views pain as inevitable but suffering as a choice, and that individuals can get through distress more skilfully.

Distress tolerance skills are helpful when we cannot cope with our emotions in the moment and when a crisis cannot be avoided.

As well as practicing these skills with therapists in session, they're taught through homework such as worksheets. Distress tolerance skills typically covered in this module include:

An urge is the drive or impulses that impel us to act.

Typically, an intense physical or emotional experience occurs before an urge develops, often creating a craving that an urge will seek to satisfy. In DBT, urges are something that we don't generally have control over and are unavoidable in nature.

Urges also generally last no more than 30 minutes if an urge isn't 'fed' further (meaning thoughts, feelings, or other vulnerabilities that intensify the urge). Urge surfing takes into account the nature and characteristics of urges to assist in navigating urges more skilfully, which we'll explore in more detail in the next section.

The basic idea behind urge surfing is to approach the sensation of urges or cravings in a non-judgmental and mindful way.

Originally developed for a more specialized skill in coping with substance abuse issues, it has also been used for other types of problematic behaviors such as self-harming, overeating, smoking, etc.

In reviewing urge surfing with a client, it's often helpful to go over the basics of urges and the experience of urges in the clients' daily life (i.e., What urges come up when you get rejected? Come home from work? Feel bored or lonely? When you're faced with a challenge? Etc.).

The principle behind urge surfing advocates that resisting or fighting an urge is ineffective as its nature is unavoidable. Instead, it seeks to visualize urges as a wave or water that we can't control. Instead of fighting this wave or waterfall, we can observe the rushing water or ride out the wave as it comes and goes.

Urge surfing, as with other distress tolerance skills, is often used when there's an unavoidable urge occurring and someone is just trying to get past the heightened state of an urge.

It can be implemented when experiencing a scent of alcohol, at the height of emotional turmoil in a conflict, an intrusive thought of self-harm occurs, or other unavoidable circumstances causing a heightened emotional state that can often create urges.

Here are the steps involved in urge surfing:

1. Notice the urge. Simply put, you need to be able to acknowledge and notice that something is happening in order to do anything about it. Start to notice any body sensations that also occur in relation to this urge.

2. Name the urge. It's important to name what's happening. Due to the nature of emotions/thoughts often contributing to urges, it can also be helpful to implement mindfulness in naming these emotional experiences as well.

3. Prepare to ride the waves of the urge. Take a couple of deep breaths and make room for the urge, knowing that you cannot control or avoid it.

4. Observe the urge as it runs its course. This is where the 'surfing' part of urge surfing comes into play. This can be the most challenging part of this skill, especially as urges reach their peak or thoughts contribute to more rough waves. It can be helpful to rate the intensity 1-10 of the urge during this time, without judgment, to focus mindfully on the rising, peak and fall of the urge. It's also important to remind yourself of the nature of urges in this step such as: urges will always come and go, discomfort is normal, urges are natural, and urges do not last forever.

5. Remind yourself of values and if need use more skills. Ask yourself if acting on this urge will make you closer to the person you want to be. It's important in this step to remember that there's always a choice to act on an urge or not, and you are not your urge/emotion/thoughts. If needed, you can also use other DBT skills in this step to ride out the lifespan of an urge.

As previously stated, urges can last around 30 minutes but increase if more emotions/thoughts extend this lifespan. Within this time, using distractions such as the DBT skill ACCEPTS, weighing out pros/cons in acting on an urge, or continuing to radically accept the situation are all skills that can assist in riding this portion of the urge experience out. Using multiple skills at once is normal and expected, often referred to as 'skill stacking'.

Urge surfing can help you reduce suffering from a painful situation, and it's a skill that requires practice. Over time, it can help you build resilience against impulsive reactions to urges and cravings. It aligns with the principles of mindfulness, emphasizing non-judgmental awareness of the present moment.

The steps involved in urge surfing are:

1. Notice the urge

2. Name the urge

3. Prepare to ride the waves of the urge

4. Observe the urge as it runs its course

5. Remind yourself of values and if need use more skills

Our three-step system helps beginners as well as seasoned practitioners enhance their mindfulness skills. Explore a wide variety of methods and discover what works best for you.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
What Is Urge Surfing in DBT? - The Wellness Society | Self-Help, Therapy and Coaching Tools

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Urge surfing is a specialized skill used in dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) treatment. In this article, we'll give a brief overview of DBT and the module of distress tolerance skills, as urge surfing is one of the skills within this module.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
"'Cheshire Puss,' asked Alice. 'Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?' 'That depends a good deal on where you want to go,' said the Cat. 'I don't much care where,' said Alice. 'Then it doesn't matter where you go,' said the Cat." - Lewis Carroll

Values provide us with an inner "compass" guiding our direction in life. Without a clear sense of one's values, it is easy to feel lost, adrift, or unsure of one's path. Many people get so stuck on the idea of what they "should" value, that they become paralyzed. Others have an idealized view of their values in life and may have difficulty putting those values into action. Still others may feel as though they lost sight of their values many years ago and feel a current lack of direction in life. Whatever the case is, it is always possible in this present moment to clarify your values and begin to live a mindful values-based life.

Harris (2009) explains that values are "statements about what we want to be doing with our life: about what we want to stand for, and how we want to behave on an ongoing basis. They are leading principles that can guide us and motivate us as we move through life." As you begin to identify and clarify your own values, it is important to focus simply on what matters most to you in life. The idea is not what you "should" value, but what you actually do value. Begin to look towards what areas of your life make you feel the most fulfilled.

Values provide a sense of direction that guides us toward greater meaning and purpose. Begin to think of values as an "ongoing guide for your actions" (Hayes, 2009). In this sense, values are something we can use to keep our lives moving in the direction that leads towards the greatest possibility of fulfillment, meaning, and purpose. When we live according to our true values, there is an accompanying sense of fulfilling one's deepest purpose in life. Values provide the direction and meaning that we all need to lead optimally fulfilling and rewarding lives.

Values vs. Goals

There is an important distinction to be made between values and goals. Values provide a deep sense of ongoing direction for our lives - they are not ends in themselves. Goals are things that we wish to complete or achieve - they are often ends in themselves. For example, someone engaged in clarifying her values may begin to think that she values "success." The value of success acts as an ongoing inner compass that guides behaviors in such a way that they will likely lead her towards her definition of success. An example of a goal would be getting a specific job, promotion, or award. Goals are like the stepping stones on the larger path that makes up a value. In other words, each goal is like a rung on a larger ladder which symbolizes the value.

5 Key Points About Values

Values exist in the present moment ... goals are in the future.

Values do not need to be explained or justified ... make emotional space to truly your real values without judgment.

Values often need to be prioritized. Consider what matters most and direct your behavior in order of importance to you.

Values are best held lightly. Allow your values to take new forms and develop over time... values need not be rigid or static.

Values are freely chosen. Your true values are not imposed on you from external sources... they come from a deep place within... from your deepest heartfelt intuition of what matters the most to you.

How would your life begin to feel different if you began to consciously direct your behaviors to be oriented in the pursuit of your most deeply held values? In order to begin to effectively build a life directed by your true values, you must be willing to be completely honest with yourself about what really matters the most to you in life. Consider the times when you feel the happiest and most fulfilled... what values are you living at those times? How can you begin to build effective patterns of action guided by those values?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Harris, R. (2009). ACT made simple. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Featured image: I think... by Vince Alongi / CC BY 2.0

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.authors[].name
View all posts by Laura K. Schenck, Ph.D., LPC →

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Choose to Live According to Your True Values - Mindfulness Muse

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
"'Cheshire Puss,' asked Alice. 'Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?' 'That depends a good deal on wh ...

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Checking the Facts is a highly effective Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) technique designed to address and rectify misinterpretations and negative thinking patterns. This technique, which shares similarities with the Examine the Evidence method in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), is a logic-based approach aimed at cultivating a more objective view of one's thoughts. In this blog post, we delve into the comprehensive process of checking the facts, exploring how this technique serves as an effective tool to curtail anxiety and foster mental well-being.

Critically examining and challenging assumptions and interpretations through a series of thoughtful questions is the core of this approach. By doing so, we can move beyond initial emotional reactions, gain a more objective and accurate understanding of a situation, and make more informed and rational decisions.

Process of Checking the Facts:

1. Identify the Thought/Assumption: Recognize the negative thought or assumption that's causing anxiety.

2. Evidence Contrary to the Thought: Seek out evidence that contradicts your negative thought.

3. Evidence Supporting the Thought: Acknowledge any evidence that supports your negative thought.

4. Probability Assessment: Evaluate the actual likelihood of your negative thought becoming a reality.

5. Wise Friend's Perspective: Imagine seeking advice from a wise friend about your thought.

6. Positive Viewpoint: Consider how the situation might appear from a more positive angle.

7. Long-Term Perspective: Reflect on whether the current situation will matter in the grand scheme of things.

Are you struggling with OCD or Pure O? Do obsessive thoughts, rituals, and compulsions take over your life? Has it been hard to find a specialist to help you?

If you want to get your life back from OCD or Pure O,
this course is for you.

Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Perspective:

In the realm of DBT, Checking the Facts involves questioning whether fear and anxiety are justified, especially in situations where life or the well-being of a loved one isn't genuinely threatened. DBT highlights that anxiety can arise without a valid basis and guides individuals in developing a more realistic understanding of their fears.

Example:

You believe you're unlikely to receive a promotion because your boss doesn't like you. However, as you examine the evidence, you discover that your boss encouraged you to apply for the promotion and gave you a positive review. This practice helps you achieve a balanced perspective and realize that your negative assumptions lack substantial evidence.

Benefits of the Checking the Facts Technique:

By employing the Checking the Facts technique, you can:

Mitigate the influence of biases, emotions, and cognitive distortions on your perceptions.

Make more informed and balanced decisions by systematically questioning your assumptions.

Cultivate a clearer and more objective perspective on situations, reducing anxiety.

Empower yourself to navigate challenges with clarity, reducing reliance on unfounded assumptions and emotional reactions.

The Checking the Facts technique is a powerful tool from Dialectical Behavior Therapy that helps individuals manage anxiety and overthinking by promoting balanced and rational thinking. By challenging assumptions and critically evaluating thoughts, you can gain a clearer, more objective perspective on situations, ultimately leading to reduced anxiety and a greater sense of control.

Let's Keep in Touch

Subscribe to My Newsletter

We hate SPAM. We will never sell your information, for any reason.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
7 Questions to Stop Anxiety - Checking the Facts - CALM Series

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Checking the facts is a DBT technique that is used to help correct misinterpretations or negative thinking. It is a similar to a technique called Examine the Evidence in CBT. Both are logic based techniques that help correct faulty thinking and misinterpretations and can help to calm overreactions.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
15 Minute Progressive Muscle Relaxation Script - 15 Minute Guided Meditation

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Guided Meditation to calm the nervous system during a sensory overload

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Meditation For Mental Balance and Grounding

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Realign With Your Core Values: A 15-Minute Guided Meditation

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
10-Minute Guided Meditation: Self-Love | SELF

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Empty Your Mind - a powerful zen story for your life.