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i wanted to redo it anyways .

hello there people !

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Just to let others know..

Please oh please this is my safe haven and im rlly tired of ppl just barging in here with no sense, you can simply just ignore it.
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Yes last time it was public but i didn't expect anyone to find it out of the blue until later ofc.
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I am going to let you know that i an African American mix (by a good %) therefore i can say the N word, i'm not addicted to saying it so dw.
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Please don't start drama in my vent pad if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it here make a private chat and tell me (if its abt me) or others there, NOT here.
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This Padlet will have some disturbing topics so if your uncomfortable with the following you can leave :)

- SH
- Suicidal thoughts ( not often / barely )
- Certain dialogue
- etc. etc.
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This is technically [ "The Tea Room ♡" ]
So yea i will spill some .
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♡♡♡ And Yea, that is it for the introduction bye !
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♡ Teehee~

🙂

# data[].attributes.body
TW:

- SH.
- Suicidal thoughts.

Please leave if your uncomfortable.

10 lines on one spot of my arm

All still healing

All still sting

It hurts So Much.

That it feels.. good?
Is that ok?
I don’t think.. maybe.

It’s 10 on the outside and 3 on the inside
Cool.

We broke up a while ago.

You didn’t care.

You didn’t even stop me You watched me walk off with her holding your hand.

She’s just a friend.

She’s your friend.

Not much of a friend.

She saw me once.
Promised me.
Then broke it.

Ah, ok.
I see.

You loved each other so much you broke your lovers heart and she broke her promise.

You some bastards.

One cut for every promise broken

You broke a lot.

How I was stupid enough to believe those.

I was so drunk on love i got wasted.

It’s dangerous.

Yes, Ik it is.

Reason why I had so many lovers is because I keep trying to find “the one”

There is no one. There is no “the one” .

Ik.

And it hurts come to think of it.
I was stupid.

I still am.

I like someone who’s has a lover themselves.

I liked someone who was a cheater and had 3 other women on his dick.

I used to like someone who made me wait i for who knows how long.

It sucks.
It’s hurts.
It really does.

She’s friend a friend.

He’s just a friend.

They’re just a friend.

Everyone and their damn mother is just a friend.

Why can’t I be that friend for once
Why do I have to be the one getting heart broken.

If you guys are really “just friends”.
Why are you guys dating.
You kissed in front of me.
You flirted with her.
Your matching her.

It hurts.
We were supposed to be friends, now your dating him.

Again.

Love. Did our year mean nothing?

That is a horrible birthday gift.

I found out you were cheating on my birthday and I left you the next.

What a horrible birthday gift..

My best year.
Turned bad real quick.

It’ll get better I’m sure, I just need to.. work up to it.

Find a lover who will treat me right.

Have friends that will be by my side for once

Hope my family is less verbally abusive. Less crazy.

A better life.

Starts this year, right now.

It’s ok.
Ok?
Yea.
It is.
Hopefully.

Ugh.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate my life too.

No wonder why I tried to leave it.
It’s ok. Im sorry.
I’ll do better.

:):

# data[].attributes.body
12:09 AM

TW:
- SH
- Abuse [verbal]

Please leave if your uncomfortable.

Why are you so mean to me mother?

Your yelling at your own child for no reason.

Alll i did was listen to music to calm my mind down and there you go making it twist and turn again.

Why do you do this to me

And you wonder why i'm not myself.

I'm changing just for you wht cant you understand that.

Why.

Why.
Why.

Cant you just understand that im trying to meet your standards.

You make me very sad Mom.

Very Sad.

So.. that sucks.

I hate how you make me cry.

Crying hurts my eyes.

It makes my throat hurt, i feel like screaming.

It hurts.

Everything hurts.

You've wanted me to be just like you since i was 5.

For a whole decade, ive lost myself, i see old videos of when i was just 4 or 3.

I miss that child.

Sometimes i wonder why arent i that child.

Turns out you've ruined this child.

And you wonder why i like dad more...

Everytime you yell i end up scratching and slitting my arms and hands, and sometimes fingers with my long nails.

I dont feel anything but the pain in my heart and mind until you finish.

Then after, i feel the pain of my emotions through my bleeding body.

A body i've abused myself many times

All because you make me feel so weak.

Sorry i cant change to your prospective.

But remember this please.

I'm not supposed to be you, now arent i.

Ik you do, but when you think about it. i dont wanna be you.

I dont wanna end up yelling at my child.

Just so they can turn out to be me.

I'd be sad.

I want better for us,

but its hard when my mind is clouded with loud noises you call tough love.

Ik you love me, you just have a hard time showing it.

Sometimes i even start to think you dont when you dont show it.

I'm Sorry Mom.

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(No time)
"the lovers prospective."
- Lani
TW: suicidal thoughts

Please leave if your uncomfortable.

okokokokokokok...
I cant leave
i want to
but i cant
i feel like i cant
i can
but i dont wanna
i wont.

i wanna be friends
i just wanted to be friends
thats all i ever wanted

you made me feel like i needed-NEEDED you
not just "need" you.

ouch..  a little controlling..

controlling
manipulative
"guilt-tripper"

thats what my friends say..

but, i didnt want to believe that..

uncomfortable situations i pushed aside for you..

i got in trouble for 3-5 months straight.. trying to stay with you..

all for love..

love that was.. half true
half-there

but bad love..
bad love.
bad history.
bad story.
toxic.
unhealthy.

its not safe.. not for my mental...

my head hurts.. ouch..

this is bad-

yikes...

"Lani you need to stop this now."

"Lani think about yourself instead"
"Lani you need to let this go"
"Step away from this"

"go find someone new"

"go find someone who is better than the last. your in a repeated situation.."

its not safe here..

i feel sick..

very sick..

i tried to pass out bc of you once..

i never said a thing

you made me so sad

it hurt a lot.. a lot a lot..

too much..

i found myself on the floor afterwards.

very out of breath..

i tried choking myself on the weekend..

just for a little bit.. i throw up afterwards

my head hurts

it rlly rlly hurts

things you said..
that got me thinking

i cant put my finger on it..

all ik is that i ended up crying

that is all..

....you push too hard..

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boooooop.

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*when you forget you dont have school today*

lmfao i needa chill.--

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Slight Vent
-------------------
Old friend:
"Hey why did you always get sick when we were little? we never got to hang out."

Me:
"well... i *purposely* get myself sick bc."
- so i have an excuse to not be in school
- so my parents would stop working and pay attention to me
- to lay in bed all day
- binge eat
- nap away all my problems
- cry without feeling uncomfortable in school
- pace in the house repeatedly since the teachers never allowed me to
- to be on my ipad (and now phone & pc)
- didnt wanna be pressured with homework
- getting any food i want from mom
- to be more comfortable
- to be by myself (never wants to hang out and still doesnt.)
- to vent
- drawing without getting in trouble
- cuddle with the pets on my worst days

i still do it, i honestly dont like it here :)

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Slight Vent
---
(7:30pm)

TW:
- SH

awh fuck i did it againn :D

i felt terrible, things are getting bad again awh fuck what ever shall i doooooo..

i ended up slitting 3 more lines, not deep ones, but i started bleeding.

Its.. kinda hard.
To smile everyday and act the same towards my friends when they dont even know what happens at home.

sad.

3 new lines, all still healing. all still sting.

you didnt have to yell at me.. rude..

that kinda sucks.. we're getting distant and it sucks.

:(

..ily(/p).

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<3