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Older Bilbo Baggins:My dear Frodo:You asked me once if I had told you everything there was to know about my adventures. And while I can honestly say I have told you the truth I may not have told you all of it. I am old now, Frodo. I'm not the same Hobbit I once was. I think it is time for you to know what really happened. It began long ago in a land far away to the east the like of which you will not find in the world today. There was the city of Dale. Its markets known far and wide. Full of the bounties of vine and vale. Peaceful and prosperous. For this city lay before the doors of the greatest kingdom in Middle-earth: Erebor. Stronghold of Thror, King Under the Mountain. Mightiest of the Dwarf Lords. Thror ruled with utter surety never doubting his house would endure for his line lay secure in the lives of his son and grandson.

Ah, Frodo. Erebor. Built deep within the mountain itself the beauty of this fortress city was legend. Its wealth lay in the earth in precious gems hewn from rock and in great seams of gold running like rivers through stone. The skill of the Dwarves was unequaled fashioning objects of great beauty out of diamond, emerald, ruby and sapphire. Ever they delved deeper, down into the dark. And that is where they found it. The Heart of the Mountain. The Arkenstone. Thror named it "The King's Jewel." He took it as a sign, a sign that his right to rule was divine. All would pay homage to him. Even the great Elven King, Thranduil. As the great wealth of the Dwarves grew their store of good will ran thin. No one knows exactly what began the rift. The Elves say the Dwarves stole their treasure. The Dwarves tell another tale. They say the Elf King refused to give them their rightful pay.

It is sad, Frodo, how old alliances can be broken. How friendships between peoples can be lost. And for what? But the years of peace and plenty were not to last. Slowly the days turned sour and the watchful nights closed in. Thror's love of gold had grown too fierce. A sickness had begun to grow within him. It was a sickness of the mind. And where sickness thrives bad things will follow. The first they heard was a noise like a hurricane coming down from the North. The pines on the mountain creaked and cracked in the hot, dry wind.

Young Thorin Oakenshield:Balin, sound the alarm. Call out the guard. Do it now!

Younger Balin:What is it?

Young Thorin Oakenshield: Dragon. Dragon!

Old Bilbo Baggins: He was a firedrake from the North. Smaug had come. Such wanton death was dealt that day. For this city of Men was nothing to Smaug. His eye was set on another prize. For dragons covet gold with a dark and fierce desire. For a dragon will guard his plunder as long as he lives.

Young Thorin Oakenshield: Run for your lives! Ah! Help us!

Old Bilbo Baggins: Thranduil would not risk the lives of his kin against the wrath of the dragon. No help came from the Elves that day nor any day since. Robbed of their homeland, the Dwarves of Erebor wandered the wilderness a once mighty people brought low. The young Dwarf prince took work where he could find it laboring in the villages of Men. But always he remembered the mountain smoke beneath the moon the trees like torches blazing bright. For he had seen dragon fire in the sky and a city turned to ash. And he never forgave and he never forgot.

That, my dear Frodo, is where I come in. For, quite by chance, and the will of a Wizard fate decided I would become part of this tale. It began... Well, it began as you might expect. In a hole in the ground there lived a Hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole full of worms and oozy smells. This was a Hobbit hole. And that means good food, a warm hearth and all the comforts of home. Thank you.

Old Bilbo: Thank you.

Frodo: What’s this?

Old Bilbo: That is private. Keep your sticky paws off!

Old Bilbo: It’s not ready yet.

Frodo: Not ready for what?

Old Bilbo: Reading.

Old Bilbo: What on earth are these?

Frodo: Replies to the party invitations.

Old Bilbo: Ah! Good gracious! Is it today?

Frodo: They all say they’re coming, except for the Sackville-Bagginses, who are demanding you ask them in person.

Old Bilbo: Are they, indeed. Over my dead body.

Frodo: They’d probably find that quite agreeable. They seem to think you have tunnels overflowing with gold.

Old Bilbo: It was one small chest, hardly overflowing. And it still smells of troll.

Frodo: What on earth are you doing?

Old Bilbo: Taking precautions. You know I caught her making off with the silverware once.

Frodo: Who?

Old Bilbo: Lobelia Sackville-Baggins. She had all my spoons stuffed in her pockets. Dreadful woman. Make sure you keep an eye on her after I’m… When I’m…when…

Frodo: When you’re…what?

Old Bilbo: It’s nothing. Nothing.

Frodo: You know, some people are beginning to wonder about you, uncle.

Old Bilbo: Hmm?

Frodo: They think you’re becoming odd.

Old Bilbo: Odd?

Frodo: Well, unsociable.

Old Bilbo: Unsociable, me? Nonsense. Be a good lad and put that on the gate.

Frodo: Do you think he’ll come?

Old Bilbo: Who?

Frodo: Gandalf.

Old Bilbo: Oh, he wouldn’t miss a chance to let off his whiz poppers. He’ll give us quite a show, you’ll see.

Frodo: Right then. I am off.

Old Bilbo: Off to where?

Frodo: Eastfarthing woods. I’m going to surprise him.

Old Bilbo: Well, go on then. You don’t want to be late. [voice over] He doesn’t approve being late. Not that I ever was. In those days, I was always on time. I was entirely respectable, and nothing unexpected…ever happened.

Scene 2: Bilbo meeting Gandalf

Bilbo Baggins: Good morning.
Gandalf: What do you mean? Do you wish me a good morning or do you mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not? Or perhaps you mean to say that you feel good on this particular morning? Or are you simply stating that this is a morning to be good on? Hm?
Bilbo Baggins: All of them at once, I suppose.
Gandalf: Hmm.
Bilbo Baggins: Can I help you?
Gandalf: That remains to be seen. I'm looking for someone to share in an adventure.
Bilbo Baggins: An adventure? No, I don't imagine anyone west of Bree would have much interest in adventures. Nasty, disturbing, uncomfortable things. Make you late for dinner. Heh, heh. Mm. Huh. Hmm. Oh. Ah. Good morning.
Gandalf: To think that I should have lived to be "good morninged" by Belladonna Took's son as if I were selling buttons at the door.
Bilbo Baggins: Beg your pardon?
Gandalf: You've changed, and not entirely for the better, Bilbo Baggins.
Bilbo Baggins: I'm sorry, do I know you?
Gandalf: Well, you know my name, although you don't remember I belong to it. I'm Gandalf. And Gandalf means... ...me.
Bilbo Baggins: Gandalf? Not Gandalf the wandering Wizard... ...who made such excellent fireworks? Old Took used to have them on Midsummer's Eve. Heh, heh. Ahem. No idea you were still in business.
Gandalf: And where else should I be?
Bilbo Baggins: Where else...? Ahem.
Gandalf: Well, I'm pleased to find you remember something about me... ...even if it's only my fireworks. Yes. Well, that's decided. It'll be very good for you (Bilbo looks at Gandalf confused) and most amusing for me. I shall inform the others.
Bilbo Baggins: Inform the who? What? No. No. No... Wait. We do not want any adventures here, thank you. Not today. Not... I suggest you try Over the Hill or Across the Water. Good morning.

Farmer(Mr. Worrywort): "Hello, Mr. Bilbo. Here. Have a feel of me tubers. Nice and firm, they are. Just come in from West Farthing."
Bilbo Baggins: "Very impressive, Mr. Worrywort. Now, I don't suppose you've seen a Wizard lurking around these parts?"
Mr. Worrywort: "A tall fellow? Long, gray beard? Pointy hat...? Can't say I have."

Bilbo is about to eat, but the doorbell rings before he begins to.

Dwalin: Dwalin, at your service.

Bilbo Baggins: Hm. Uh... Bilbo Baggins, at yours. Do we know each other?

Dwalin: No. Which way, laddie? Is it down here?

Bilbo Baggins: Is what down where?

Dwalin: Supper. He said there'd be food and lots of it.

Bilbo Baggins: He... He said? Who said?

Dwalin: Mmm. Mmm. Very good, this. Any more?

Bilbo Baggins: What? Oh, yes, yes. Ah. Help yourself. Hmm. It's just that, um, I wasn't expecting company.

Dwalin: That'll be the door.

Balin: Balin, at your service.

Bilbo Baggins: Good evening.

Balin: Yes. Yes, it is. Though I think it might rain later.

Bilbo Baggins: Hm?

Balin: Am I late?

Bilbo Baggins: Late for what?

Balin: Oh! Ha, ha! Evening, brother.

Dwalin: By my beard... ...you're shorter and wider than last we met.

Balin: Wider, not shorter. Sharp enough for both of us.

Bilbo Baggins: Uh, excuse me? Sorry, I hate to interrupt. But the thing is, I'm not entirely sure you're in the right house.

Balin: Have you eaten?

Bilbo: It's not that I don't like visitors. I like visitors as much as the next Hobbit. But I do like to know them before they come "visiting".

Dwalin: What is this?

Balin: I don't know. I think it's cheese. Gone blue.

Dwalin:It's riddled with mold.

Bilbo:The thing is, I don't know either of you. Not in the slightest. I don't mean to be blunt, but I had to speak my mind. I'm sorry.

Balin: You think...? Apology accepted.Now, fill it up, brother, don't stint.

Dwalin: You wanna get stuck in?

Balin: I could eat again if you insist, brother.

Fili: Fili.

Kili: And Kili.

Fili and Kili: At your service.

Kili: You must be Mr. Baggins.

Bilbo: No! You can’t come in, you’ve come to the wrong house.

Kili: What?! Has it been canceled?

Fili: No one told us.

Bilbo: Can…! No, nothing’s been canceled.

Kili: That’s a relief.

Fili: Careful with these, I just had them sharpened.

Kili: It’s nice, this place. Did you do it yourself?

Bilbo: Uh…no, it’s been in the family for years. That’s my mother’s glory box, can you please not do that?

Dwalin: Fili, Kili, come on, give us a hand.

Kili: Mr. Dwalin.

Balin: Let’s shove this in the hole, or otherwise we’ll never get everyone in.

Bilbo: Ev…everyone?! How many more are there? Oh, no! No, no. There’s nobody home! Go away, and bother somebody else! There’s far too many dwarves in my dining room as it is. If…if this is some blockhead’s idea of a joke, I can only say, it is in very poor taste!

One of the Dwarves: Get off, you big lump!

[Gandalf pokes his head through the door]

Bilbo: Gandalf.

Bilbo: Those are my… Excuse me, not my wine! Put that back. Put that back! Not the jam, please. Excuse me. Ex…Excuse me. A tad excessive, isn’t it? Have you got a cheese knife?

Bofur: A cheese knife? He eats it by the block.

Bilbo: No no, that’s Grandpa Mungo’s chair, no…uh, so is that. Take it back, please. Take it back, this is antique, not for sitting on. Thank you. That is a book, not a coaster. Uh…put that map down.

Dori: Excuse me, Mr. Gandalf.

Gandalf: Yes?

Dori: May I tempt you with a cup of chamomile?

Gandalf: Ooh, no thank you, Dori. A little red wine, for me I think.

Gandalf: Uh..Fili, Kili. Uh…Oin, Gloin. Dwalin, Balin. Bifur, Bofur, Bombur. Dori, Nori.

Bilbo: No, no. Not my prize winners, thank you.

Gandalf: Ori!

Gandalf: Yes, you are quite right, Bifur. We appear to be one dwarf short.

Dwalin: He is late, is all. He traveled north to a meeting of our kin, he will come.

Dori: Mr. Gandalf?

Gandalf: Hmm?

Dori: A little glass of red wine as requested, it’s got a fruity bouquet.

Gandalf: Oh, cheers.

Fili: Who wants an ale? There you go.

Oin: Let me have another drink.

Balin: Here you go.

Bofur: Hey, on the count of three! One! Two! Come!

Bilbo: Ex…excuse me, that is a doily, not a dish cloth.

Bofur: But it’s full of holes!

Bilbo: It’s supposed to look like that, it’s crochet.

Bofur: Oh, and a wonderful game it is too, if you got the balls for it.

Bilbo: Bebother and confusticate these dwarves!

Gandalf: My dear Bilbo, what on earth is the matter?

Bilbo: What’s the matter? I am surrounded by dwarves. What they’re doing here?

Gandalf: Oh, they’re quite a merry gathering, once you get used to them.

Bilbo: I don’t want to get used to them. Look at the state of my kitchen! There’s mud trod in the carpet, they…they’ve pillaged the pantry! I’m not even gonna tell you what they’ve done in the bathroom, they’ve all but destroyed the plumbing! I don’t understand what they’re doing in my house!

Ori: Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt. But what should do with my plate?

Fili: Here you go, Ori, give it to me.

Bilbo: Excuse me! That’s my mother’s Westfarthing pottery, it’s over a hundred years old! And…and, ca…can you not do that, you’ll blunt them!

Bofur: Ooh, d’you hear that, lads? He says we’ll blunt the knives!

Kili: Blunt the knives, bend the forks

Fili: Smash the bottles and bum the corks

Other Dwarves join in:

Chip the glasses and crack the plates
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates
Cut the cloth, tread on the fat
Leave the bones on the bedroom mat
Pour the milk on the pantry floor
Splash the wine on every door
Dump the crooks in a boiling bowl
Pound them up with a thumping pole
When you're finished, if they are whole
Send them down the hall to roll
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates

Gandalf: He is here.

Thorin: Gandalf. I thought you said this place would be easy to find. I lost my way, twice. I wouldn't have found it at all had it not been for that mark on the door.

Bilbo: Mark? There's no mark on that door. It was painted a week ago.

Gandalf: There is a mark. I put it there myself. Bilbo Baggins, allow me to introduce the leader of our company: Thorin Oakenshield.

Thorin: So... ...this is the Hobbit. Tell me, Mr. Baggins, have you done much fighting?

Bilbo Baggins: Pardon me?

Thorin: Ax or sword? What's your weapon of choice?

Bilbo Baggins: Well, I do have some skill at conkers, if you must know... ...but I fail to see why that's relevant.

Thorin: Thought as much. He looks more like a grocer than a burglar.

Balin:What news from the meeting in Ered Luin? Did they all come?

Thorin Oakenshield:Aye, envoys from all seven kingdoms.

Dwalin: And what did the dwarves of the Iron Hill say? Is Dain with us?

Thorin Oakenshield:They will not come. They say this quest is ours, and ours alone.

Bilbo: You’re doing a quest?

Gandalf: Bilbo, my dear fellow, let us have a little more light. Far to the East, over ranges and rivers, beyond woodlands and wastelands, lies a single solitary peak.

Bilbo: The Lonely Mountain.

Glóin:Aye, Oin has read the portents, and the portents say: it is time.

Óin:Ravens have been seen flying back to the mountain as it was foretold. When the birds of the old return to Erebor, the reign of the beast will end.

Bilbo: Uh…what beast?

Bofur: Well that would be a reference to Smaug the terrible, chiefest and greatest calamity of our age. Airborne fire breather, teeth like razors, claws like meat hooks, extremely fond of precious metals.

Bilbo: Yes, I know what a dragon is.

Ori: I’m not afraid, I’m up for it. I’ll give him a taste of the dwarfish iron right up his jacksy!

Glóin:Good lad, Ori!

Dori: Sit down!

Balin: The task would be difficult enough with an army behind us, but we number just thirteen, and not thirteen of the best, nor brightest.

Ori: Hey! Who are you calling dim?

Óin:Sorry, what did he say?

Fili: We may be few in number. But we’re fighters, all of us! To the last dwarf!

Kili: And you forget we have a wizard in our company, Gandalf will have killed hundreds of dragons in his time.

Gandalf: Oh, well. No, uh, I…I wouldn’t say…

Dori: How many then?

Gandalf: What?

Dori: Well, how many dragons have you killed? Go on, give us a number!

Bilbo: Uh…Please. Please.

Thorin Oakenshield:Enough! If we have read these signs, do you not think others will have read them too? Rumors have begun to spread. The dragon Smaug has not been seen for sixty years. Eyes look East to the mountain, assessing, wondering, weighing the risk. Perhaps the vast wealth of our people now lies unprotected. Do we sit back while others claim what is rightfully ours? Or do we seize this chance to take back Erebor?

Balin:You forget, the Front Gate is sealed. (Thorin sits back down.) There is no way into the mountain.

Gandalf: That, my dear Balin, is not entirely true. (produces a key and Thorin recognizes it)

Thorin Oakenshield:How come you by this?

Gandalf: It was given to me by your father. By Thrain. For safekeeping. It is yours now. (hands Thorin the key, who clutches onto it hard)

Fili: If there is a key, there must be a door.

Gandalf: (nods to affirm Fili's assumption) These runes speak of a hidden passage to the Lower Halls.

Kili: There's another way in.

Gandalf: Well, if we can find it, but Dwarf doors are invisible when closed. The answer lies hidden somewhere in this map...and I do not have the skill to find it. But there are others in Middle-earth who can. The task I have in mind will require a great deal of stealth... ...and no small amount of courage. But if we are careful and clever, I believe that it can be done.

Ori: That's why we need a burglar.

Bilbo: Hmm. And a good one too. An expert, I'd imagine.

Óin:And are you?

Bilbo: (looks behind him and notices that the dwarves are talking to him) (confused) Am I what?

Óin:He said he's an expert. Hey.

Bilbo Baggins: Me? No. No, no, no. I'm not a burglar.

I've never stolen a thing in my life.

Balin:Well, I'm afraid I have to agree with Mr. Baggins. He's hardly burglar material.

Bilbo Baggins: Nope.

Dwalin: Aye, the Wild is no place for gentle folk who can neither fight nor fend for themselves.

Gandalf: Enough! If I say Bilbo Baggins is a burglar, then a burglar he is. Hobbits are remarkably light on their feet. In fact, they can pass unseen by most, if they choose. And, while the dragon is accustomed to the smell of Dwarf... ...the scent of a Hobbit is all but unknown to him... ...which gives us a distinct advantage. You asked me to find the 14th member of this company and I have chosen Mr. Baggins. There's a lot more to him than appearances suggest. And he's got a great deal more to offer than any of you know. Including himself. You must trust me on this.

(Gandalf looks at Thorin, who reluctantly agrees with the wizard for once).

Thorin Oakenshield: Very well. We will do it your way. Give him the contract.

Glóin:We're in. We're off.

Bilbo: Please.

Balin:It’s just the usual summary of out-of-pocket expenses, time required, remuneration, funeral arrangements, so forth.

Bilbo: Funeral arrangements? (opens the contract and realizes how long it is) Ooh.

Thorin Oakenshield:I cannot guarantee his safety.

Gandalf: Understood.

Thorin Oakenshield:Nor will I be responsible for his fate.

Gandalf: Agreed.

Bilbo: [to himself] ‘Total’s cash on delivery, up to but not exceeding, one fourteenth of total profit if any.’ Seems fair. Uh…’The present company shall not be liable for injuries inflicted by or sustained as a consequence thereof, including, but not limited to…lacerations. Evisceration. (looks to the dwarves) Incineration?

Bofur: Oh, aye, he’ll melt the flesh off your bones in the blink of an eye.

Balin:You alright, laddie?

Bilbo: Huh? Yeah, I fe…I feel a bit faint.

Bofur: Think furnace, with wings.

Bilbo: I…I…I need air.

Bofur: Flash of light, searing pain, then poof! You’re nothing more than a pile of ash!

Bilbo: No. (Bilbo faints)

Gandalf: (sarcastically) Oh, very helpful, Bofur.

Bilbo Baggins: I'll be all right. Just let me sit quietly for a moment.

Gandalf:You've been sitting quietly for far too long. Tell me, when did doilies and your mother's dishes... ...become so important to you? I remember a young Hobbit who was always running off in search of Elves in the woods. Who would stay out late, come home after dark... ...trailing mud and twigs and fireflies. A young Hobbit who would have liked nothing better... ...than to find out what was beyond the borders of the Shire. The world is not in your books and maps. It's out there.

Bilbo Baggins: I can't just go running off into the blue. I am a Baggins of Bag-end.

Gandalf:You are also a Took. Did you know that your great-great-great-great-uncle Bullroarer Took was so large, he could ride a real horse?

Bilbo Baggins: Yes.

Gandalf:Yes, well, he could. In the Battle of Green Fields, he charged the Goblin ranks. He swung his club so hard, it knocked the Goblin king's head clean off... ...and it sailed 100 yards through the air and went down a rabbit hole. And thus, the battle was won. And the game of golf invented at the same time.

Bilbo Baggins: I do believe you made that up.

Gandalf:Well, all good stories deserve embellishment. You'll have a tale or two to tell of your own when you come back.

Bilbo Baggins: Can you promise that I will come back?

Gandalf:No. And if you do... ...you will not be the same.

Bilbo Baggins: That's what I thought. Sorry, Gandalf, I can't sign this. You've got the wrong Hobbit.

Balin: It appears we have lost our burglar. Probably for the best. The odds were always against us. After all, what are we? Merchants, miners, tinkers, toy makers. Hardly the stuff of legend.

Thorin: There are a few warriors amongst us.

Balin: Old warriors.

Thorin: I would take each and every one of these dwarves over an army from the Iron Hills, for when I called upon them, they answered. Loyalty, honor, a willing heart. I can ask no more than that.

Balin: You don’t have to do this. You have a choice. You’ve done honorably by our people. You have built a new life for us in the Blue Mountains. A life of peace and plenty. A life that is worth more than all the gold in Erebor.

Thorin: From my grandfather to my father, this has come to me. They dreamt of the day when the dwarves of Erebor would reclaim their homeland. There is no choice, Balin. Not for me.

Balin: Then we are with you, laddie. We will see it done.

Thorin [singing] Far over the Misty Mountains cold. To dungeons deep and caverns old. We must away ere break of day. To find our long forgotten gold.

Dwarves: [singing] The pines were roaring on the height, the winds were moaning in the night. The fire was red, it flaming spread. The trees like torches blazed with light.

Bilbo: Hello!

Hobbit: Here, Mr. Bilbo! Where are you off too?

Bilbo: I can’t stop, I’m already late!

Hobbit: Late for what?

Bilbo: I’m going on an adventure!

Wait! Wait! (Everyone stops. Bilbo happily hands it over to Balin) I signed it.

Balin: Everything appears to be in order. Welcome, master Baggins, to the company of Thorin Oakenshield.

Thorin: Give him a pony.

Bilbo: No, no, no, no. That…that won’t be necessary. Thank you. I’m sure I can keep up on foot. Yeah, I…I’ve done my fair share of walking holidays, you know? Even got as far as Frog Morton once.

Oin: Come on, Nori! Pay up!

Bilbo: What’s that about?

Gandalf: Oh, they took wagers on whether or not you’d turn up. Most of them bet that you wouldn’t.

Bilbo: And what did you think?

Gandalf: Well… (catches a sack of coin) My dear fellow, I never doubted you for a second.

Bilbo: Oh, it’s horse hair. Having a reaction. Uh…wait, wait. Stop! Stop! We have to turn around.

Gandalf: What on earth is the matter?

Bilbo: I forgot my handkerchief.

Bofur: Here! Use this.

Thorin: Move on!

Gandalf: You’ll have to manage without pocket handkerchiefs, and a good many other things, Bilbo Baggins, before we reach our journey’s end. You were born to the rolling hills and little rivers of the Shire. But home is now behind you. The world is ahead.

(Bilbo cannot sleep because of Bombur's snoring. He gets up and smuggles an apple to Myrtle. He speaks to her gently. )

Bilbo Baggins: Hello, girl. Who's a good girl? (feeds her) It's our little secret, Myrtle. You must tell no one. Shh, shh. (he smiles and pets her snout but there is a shriek in the air. He looks to Fili and Kili, who are already awake) What was that?

Kili:Orcs.

Bilbo Baggins" Orcs? (Thorin wakes up in alarm but sees that Fili and Kili are teasing Bilbo).

Fili: Throat-cutters. There'll be dozens of them out there.

Kili:The lone-lands are crawling with them. They strike in the wee small hours when everyone's asleep. Quick and quiet, no screams. Just lots of blood.

(The boys laugh when Bilbo looks panicked as if it were a joke)

Thorin Oakenshield: (sternly) You think that's funny? You think a night raid by Orcs is a joke?

Kili: We didn’t mean anything by it.

Thorin Oakenshield: No you didn’t. You know nothing of the world.

Balin: Don’t mind him, laddie. Thorin has more cause than most to hate orcs. After the dragon took the Lonely Mountain... ...King Thror tried to reclaim the ancient Dwarf kingdom of Moria. But our enemy had got there first. Moria had been taken by legions of Orcs... ...led by the most vile of all their race: Azog the Defiler. The giant Gundabad Orc... ...had sworn to wipe out the line of Durin. He began... ...by beheading the king. No! Thrain, Thorin's father, was driven mad by grief. He went missing. Taken prisoner or killed... ...we did not know. We were leaderless. Defeat and death... ...were upon us. That is when I saw him. A young Dwarf prince... ...facing down the pale Orc. He stood alone against this terrible foe. His armor rent... ...wielding nothing but an oaken branch as a shield. Azog the Defiler learned that day... ...that the line of Durin would not be so easily broken. Our forces rallied... wand drove the Orcs back. And our enemy... ...had been defeated. But there was no feast... ...nor song that night... ...for our dead were beyond the count of grief. We few had survived. And I thought to myself then... ...there is one who I could follow. There is one... ...I could call king.

Bilbo Baggins: And the Pale Orc? What happened to him?

Thorin Oakenshield: He slunk back into the hole whence he came. That filth died of his wounds long ago.

Hunter Orc: Send word to the Master, we have found the Dwarf-scum.

Dori: Here, Mr. Gandalf? Can’t you do something about this deluge?

Gandalf: It is raining, master dwarf. And it will continue to rain until the rain is done! If you wish to change the weather of the world, you should find yourself another wizard.

Bilbo: Are there any?

Gandalf: What?

Bilbo: Other wizards?

Gandalf: There are five us. The greatest of our order is Saruman, The White. Then there are the two blue wizards. Do you know, I’ve quite forgotten their names.

Bilbo: And who is the fifth?

Gandalf: Well, that would be Radagast, The Brown.

Bilbo: Is he a great wizard or is he…more like you?

Gandalf: I think he’s a very great wizard, in his own way. He’s a gentle soul who prefers the company of animals to others. He keeps a watchful eye over the vast forestlands to the East, and a good thing too, for always evil will look to find a foothold in this world.

Radagast: Not good. Not good at all! Oh. Oh, no! Oh, Sebastian! Good gracious. Move back! Give him some air, for goodness sake! I don’t understand why it’s not working, it’s not as if it’s witchcraft! Witchcraft. Oh, but it is! A dark and powerful magic. Where on this good earth do those foul creatures come from? The old fortress? Show me.

Thorin Oakenshield: We’ll camp here for the night. FÃli, KÃli, look after the ponies. Make sure you stay with them.

Gandalf: (inspecting the ruined house) A farmer and his family used to live here.

Thorin Oakenshield: Oin, Gloin.

Oin: Aye?

Thorin Oakenshield: Get the fire going.

Oin: Right you are.

Gandalf: I think it would be wiser to move on. We could make for the hidden valley.

Thorin Oakenshield: But I’ve told you already. I will not go near that place.

Gandalf: Why not? The Elves could help us, we could get food, rest, advice.

Thorin Oakenshield: I do not need their advice.

Gandalf: We have a map that we cannot read. Lord Elrond could help us.

Thorin Oakenshield: Help? A dragon attacks Erebor. What help came from the Elves? Orcs plunder Moria, desecrate our sacred halls, the Elves looked on and did nothing! You ask me to seek out the very people who betrayed my grandfather, who betrayed my father.

Gandalf: You are neither of them. I did not give you that map and key for you to hold on to the past.

Thorin Oakenshield: I did not know they were yours to keep.

Bilbo: (sees Gandalf storm off in frustration) Everything alright? Gandalf, where are you going?

Gandalf: To seek the company of the only one around here who’s got any sense.

Bilbo: And who’s that?

Gandalf: Myself, mister Baggins! I’ve had enough of dwarves for one day.

Thorin Oakenshield: Come on Bombur, we’re hungry.

Bilbo: (to Balin) Is he coming back? (The dwarf looks unsure at Bilbo. At night time, Bilbo is still worrying because Gandalf has yet to return. He’s been a long time.

Bofur: Who?

Bilbo: Gandalf.

Bofur: He’s a wizard! He does as he chooses. Here. Do us a favor, take this to the lads. (hands Bilbo the soup but stops Bombur from taking more.) Stop it, you’ve had plenty.

Bilbo: What’s the matter?

Kili: We’re supposed to be looking after the ponies.

Fili: Only we’ve encountered a slight problem.

Kili: We had sixteen.

Fili: Now there’s fourteen.

[as they look to see which ponies are missing]

Kili: Daisy and Bungle are missing.

Bilbo: What? Well, that’s not good. And that is not good at all. Shouldn’t we tell Thorin?

Fili: Uh…no. Let’s not worry him. As our official burglar, we thought you might like to look into it.

Bilbo: Well, uh…it looks as if something big uprooted these trees.

Kili: That was our thinking.

Bilbo: It’s something very big, and possibly quite dangerous.

Fili: Hey! There’s a light.

[to Kili]

Fili: Over here!

[they all move closer towards the light]

Fili: Stay down.

Bilbo: What is it?

Kili: Trolls.

Bilbo: He’s got Myrtle and Minty! I think they’re gonna eat them, we have to do something.

Kili: Yes, you should. Mountain trolls are slow and stupid, and you’re so small. They’ll never see you.

Bilbo: Me? Me? No. No. No.

Kili: It’s perfectly safe!

Fili: We’ll be right behind you. If you run into trouble hoot twice like a barn owl, once like a brown owl.

Bilbo: Twice like a barn owl, hoot twice like a brown…hoots like a…like a… Uh, are you sure this is a good idea?

William Troll: Mutton yesterday, mutton today. And blimey, if it don’t look like mutton again tomorrow.

Bert Troll: Quit your griping. These ain’t sheep! These is West nags!

Tom Troll: Oh! I don’t like horse. I never have. Not enough fat on them.

William Troll: Well, it’s better than a leathery ol’ farmer. All skin and bone he was. I’m still pickin’ bits of him out o’ me teeth.

Bert Troll: Well, that’s lovely, that is. A floater.hobbit-7

William Troll: Oh! Might improve the flavor!

Tom Troll: Ah! There’s more where that came from.

Bert Troll: Oh, no you don’t!

Tom Troll: Oww! Oww!

Bert Troll: Sit down!

Tom Troll: Well…I hope you’re gonna gut these nags? I don’t like the stinky parts.

Tom Troll: Oww!

Bert Troll: I said sit down!

William Troll: I’m starving, are we having horse tonight or what?

Bert Troll: Shut your cake hole! You’ll eat what I’ll give ya!

William Troll: How come he’s the cook? Everything tastes the same, everything tastes like chicken.

Tom Troll: Except the chicken.

William Troll: What tastes like fish!

Bert Troll: I’m just saying, a little appreciation would be nice. ‘Thank you very much, Bert. Lovely stew, Bert.’ How hard is that? Mmm. Just needs a sprinkle of squirrel dung. Here, that’s my grog!

Tom Troll: Sorry. Oww!

Bert Troll: Ooh. That is beautifully balanced, that is. Wrap your loganbie around that, mate. Huh? Good ain’t it? That’s why I’m the cook.

William Troll: Me guts are grumbling, I’ve got to snaffle something. Flesh. I need flesh!

Tom Troll: Aah! Blimey! Bert! Bert, look what’s come out of me hooter! It’s got arms and legs and everything!

Bert Troll: What is it?

Tom Troll: I don’t know, but I don’t like the way it wriggles around!

Bert Troll: What are you then? An oversized squirrel?

Bilbo: I’m a burglar…uh, hobbit!

Tom Troll: A ‘burglar-hobbit’?

William Troll: Can we cook him??

Tom Troll: We can try!

Bert Troll: He wouldn’t make more than a mouthful. Not when he’s skinned and boned!

William Troll: Perhaps there’s more burglar-hobbits ’round these parts, might be enough for a pie! Grab him!

Tom Troll: He’s too quick!

William Troll: Oah, come here! you little…

William Troll: Gotcha! Are there any more of you little fellas hiding where you shouldn’t?

Bilbo: No.

Tom Troll: He’s lying!

Bilbo: I’m not!

Tom Troll: Hold his toes over the fire. Make him squeal!

(Kili rushes in and slashes one of the trolls' legs

Kili: Drop him!

William Troll: You what?

Kili: I said, drop him. (The trolls toss Bilbo to Kili, who promptly catches the Hobbit, but both of them fall onto the ground) Bilbo!

Thorin: No! (pulls Kili back to prevent him from getting hurt or Bilbo killed)

William Troll: Lay down your arms! Or we’ll rip his off! Don’t bother cooking ’em! Let’s just sit on 'em and squash ’em into jelly!

Bert Troll: They should be sauteed and grilled with a sprinkle of sage.

Tom Troll: Oh, that does sound quite nice.

William Troll: Never mind the seasoning, we ain’t got all night! Dawn ain’t far away, let’s get a move on! I don’t fancy been turned to stone.

Bilbo: Wait! You are making a terrible mistake.

Dori: You can’t reason with them, they’re half-wits!

Bofur: Half-wits? What does that make us?

Bilbo: I meant with the…uh, with the…with the seasoning.

Bert Troll: What about the seasoning?

Bilbo: Well, have you smelt them? You’re gonna need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up!

William Troll: What do you know about cooking dwarf?

Bert Troll: Shut up, and let the…uh, flurgerburbur-hobbit talk.

Bilbo: Uh…the-the secret to cooking dwarf, is um…

Bert Troll: Yes? Come on.

Bilbo: It’s, uh…

Bert Troll: Tell us the secret!

Bilbo: Ye-yes, I’m telling you. The secret is…to…skin them first!

Bert Troll: Tom, get me filleting knife.

William Troll: What a load of rubbish! I’ve eaten plenty with their skins on. Scoff ’em I say, boots and all!

Tom Troll: He’s right! Nothing wrong with a bit o’ raw dwarf. Nice and crunchy.

Bilbo: Uh…not…not that one, he…he’s infected!

William Troll: You what?

Bilbo: Yeah he’s got worms in his…tubes.

Tom Troll: Ooh!

Bilbo: In-in fact, they all have. They’re infested with parasites, it’s a terrible business, I wouldn’t risk it, I really wouldn’t.

Oin: Parasites? Did he say parasites?

Kili: Yeah, we don’t have parasites! You have parasites!

[Thorin realizes that Bilbo is trying to buy them time and kicks Kili and they realize what Bilbo is doing]

Oin: I’ve got parasites as big as my arm!

Kili: Mine are the biggest parasites, I’ve got huge parasites!

Nori: We’re riddled!

Ori: Yes, I’m riddled!

Dori: Yes, we are, badly!

William Troll: What would you have us do then? Let ’em all go?

Bilbo: Well…

William Troll: You think I don’t know what you’re up to. This little ferret is taking us for fools!

Bilbo: Ferret?

Bert Troll: Fools?

(Gandalf comes from his hiding spot, with his staff in hand)

Gandalf: The dawn will take you all!

William Troll: Who’s that?

Bert Troll: No idea.

Tom Troll: Can we eat him too?

Dwalin: Ooh, get your foot out of my back!

Thorin: Where did you go to, if I may ask?

Gandalf: To look ahead.

Thorin: What brought you back?

Gandalf: Looking behind. Nasty business. Still they all are in one piece.

Thorin: No thanks to your burglar.

Gandalf: He had the nous to play for time. None of the rest of you thought of that. They must have come down from the Ettenmoors.

Thorin: Since when the mountain trolls venture this far south?

Gandalf: Oh, not for an age. Not since a darker power ruled these lands. (Thorin and Gandalf look at each other in alarm)They could not have moved in daylight.

Thorin: There must be a cave nearby.

Bofur: Oh, what’s that stench?!

Gandalf: It’s a troll hoard. Be careful what you touch.

Bofur: Seems a shame just to leave it lying around. Anyone could take it.

Gloin: Agreed. Nori, get a shovel.

Thorin: These swords were not made by any troll.

Gandalf: Nor were they made by any smith among men. These were forged in Gondolin, by the High Elves, of the First Age. You could not wish for a finer blade.

Gloin: We’re making a long-term deposit.

Thorin: Let’s get out of this foul place. Come on, let’s go. Bofur, Gloin, Nori.

Gandalf: Bilbo.

Bilbo: Hm?

Gandalf: Here. This is about your size.

Bilbo: I can’t take this.

Gandalf: The blade is of Elvish make, which means it will glow blue when orcs or goblins are nearby.

Bilbo: I have…I have never used a sword in my life.

Gandalf: And I hope you never have to. But if you do, remember this: true courage is about knowing not when to take a life, but when to spare one.

Thorin: Something’s coming!

Bilbo: Gandalf.

Gandalf: Stay together! Hurry, now! Arm yourselves!

Radagast: Thieves! Fire! Murder!

Gandalf: Radagast. It’s Radagast the Brown!

Gandalf: What on earth are you doing here?

Radagast: I was looking for you, Gandalf. Something’s wrong. Something’s terribly wrong.

Gandalf: Yes?

Radagast: Just give me a minute. Um…Oh! I had a thought and now I’ve lost it. It was…it was was right there, on the tip of my tongue! Oh! It’s not a thought at all! It’s a silly old… stick insect. (Gandalf removes the stick bug from Radagast's mouth, earning disturbed looks from Bilbo, Fili and Oin)

Radagast: The Greenwood is sick, Gandalf. A darkness has fallen over it. Nothing grows any more, at least nothing good. The air is foul with decay. But worst are the webs.”

Gandalf: Webs? What do you mean?”

Radagast: Spiders, Gandalf. Giant ones. Some kind of spawn of Ungoliant, or I am not a Wizard. I followed their trail. They came from Dol Guldur.”

Gandalf: Dol Guldur? But the old fortress is abandoned.”

Radagast: No, Gandalf, it is not. A dark power dwells in there... ...such as I have never felt before. It is the shadow of an ancient horror. One that can summon the spirits... ...of the dead. I saw him, Gandalf. From out of the darkness... ...a Necromancer has come. Radagast. Quick! Quick, quick! Quick, quick! Wait for me! Sorry.

Gandalf: Try a little old Toby. It’ll help setting your nerves. In, and out. Now, the Necromancer. Are you sure?

Radagast: That is not from the world of the living.

Bilbo: Was that a wolf? Are there…are there wolves out there?

Bofur: Wolves? No, that is not a wolf.

Thorin: Warg scouts! Which means an orc pack is not far behind!

Bilbo: Orc pack?

Gandalf: Who did you tell about your quest, beyond your kin?

Thorin: No one.

Gandalf: Who did you tell?!

Thorin: No one, I swear! What in Durin’s name is going on?

Gandalf: You are being hunted.

Dwalin: We have to get out of here.

Ori: We can’t! We have no ponies. They bolted.

Radagast: I’ll draw them off.

Gandalf: These are Gundabad wargs. They will outrun you!

Radagast: These are Rhosgobel rabbits. I’d like to see them try.

Radagast: Come and get me!

Gandalf: Come on! Stay together.

Thorin: Move! (pulls ri back before the orcs see them) Ori, no! Come back.

Gandalf: All of you, come on, come on! Quick!

Thorin: Where are you leading us?

Hunter Orc: The Dwarf-scum are over there! After them!

Gandalf: Move! Run!

Gloin: There they are!

Gandalf: This way! Quickly!

Kili: There’s more coming!

Thorin: Kili! Shoot them!

Fili: We’re surrounded!

[Kili shoots one of the orcs with his bow]

Fili: Where’s Gandalf?

Dwalin: He’s abandoned us!

Thorin: Hold your ground!

Gandalf: This way, you fools!

Thorin: Come on, move! Quickly! All of you! Go, go, go!

[the dwarves all start jumping inside the underground tunnel and Gandalf counts the dwarves]

Gandalf: …nine, ten…

Thorin: Kili! Run! Elves.

Dwalin: I cannot see where the pathway leads. Do we follow it or not?

Bofur: We follow it, of course!

Gandalf: I think that would be wise. The Valley of Imladris. In the common tongue, it’s known by another name.

Bilbo: Rivendell.

Gandalf: Here lies the last homely house, east of the sea.

Thorin: This was your plan all along, to seek refuge with our enemy.

Gandalf: You have no enemies here, Thorin Oakenshield. The only ill-will to be found in this valley is that which you bring yourself.

Thorin: You think the Elves will give our quest their blessing? They will try to stop us.

Gandalf: Of course, they will. But we have questions that need to be answered. If we are to be successful this will need to be handled with tact, and respect, and no small degree of charm, which is why you will leave the talking to me.

[they start making their way towards Rivendell]

[as they enter Rivendell they are met by some elves]

Lindir: Mithrandir.

Gandalf: Ah, Lindir.

Thorin: (whispers to Dwalin) Stay sharp.

[Lindir starts speaking in Elvish to Gandalf]

Lindir: [subtitled] We heard you had crossed into the Valley.

Gandalf: I must speak with Lord Elrond.

Lindir: My Lord Elrond is not here.

Gandalf: Not here? Where is he?

[they hear the hunting horn and turn to see the returning elf war party]

Thorin: Close ranks!

[the elf war party surround the dwarves, we see Elrond is with the war party]

Elrond: Gandalf!

Gandalf: Lord Elrond.

[Gandalf greets Elrond in Elvish]

Gandalf: [subtitled] My friend! Where have you been?

Elrond: [subtitled] We’ve been hunting a pack of Orcs that came up from the South. We slew a number near the Hidden Pass.

[Elrond gets off his horse and embraces Gandalf]

Elrond: Strange for orcs to come so close to our borders. Something or someone has drawn them near.

Gandalf: Ah, that may have been us.

(Thorin shows himself to Elrond, who gives him something of a genuine smile.)

Elrond: Welcome, Thorin, son of Thrain.

Thorin: I do not believe we have met.

Elrond: You have your grandfather's bearing. I knew Thror when he ruled Under the Mountain.

Thorin: Indeed? He made no mention of you.

(Elrond speaks in Elvish, to which Gloin takes offense to.)

Gloin: What is he saying? Does he offer us insult?

Gandalf: No, Master Gloin, he's offering you food.

(The dwarves talk amongst themselves before they all look at Elrond)

Gloin: Well, in that case, lead on.

Dwarf: Hey. Come on.

Dori: (pressuring his brother to eat green leaf) Try it. Just a mouthful.

Ori: I don't like green food.

Nori: Where's the meat?

Ori: Have they got any chips?

Gandalf: Kind of you to invite us. Not really dressed for dinner.

Elrond: Well, you never are.

(Kili notices a girl elf and winks at her, but Dwalin is eyeing him.

Kili: Can't say I fancy Elf maids myself. Too thin. They're all high cheekbones and creamy skin. Not enough facial hair for me. Although... That one there's not bad."

Dwalin: That's not an elf maid.

Elrond: (expecting both Glamdring and Orcrist) This is Orcrist, the Goblin-cleaver. A famous blade forged by the High Elves of the West, my kin. May it serve you well. And this is Glamdring, the Foehammer. Sword of the King of Gondolin. These were made for the Goblin Wars of the First Age.

(Bilbo wonders about his own sword, looking down at it. Balin notices the hobbit's plight.)

Balin: I wouldn't bother, laddie. Swords are named for the great deeds they do in war.

Bilbo: What are you saying, my sword hasn't seen battle?

Balin (in a regrettable voice): I'm not actually sure it is a sword. More of a letter opener, really.

Elrond: How did you come by these?

Gandalf: We found them in a Troll-hoard

on the Great East Road...

...shortly before we were

ambushed by Orcs.

Elrond: And what were you doing

on the Great East Road?

Thorin Oakenshield: Excuse me.

Elrond: "Thirteen Dwarves and a Halfling. Hm. Strange traveling companions, Gandalf."

Gandalf, during Nori and Bombur misbehave: "These are the descendants of the house of Durin. They're noble, decent folk. And they're surprisingly cultured. They've got a deep love of the arts."

Nori: "Change the tune, why don't you? I feel like I'm at a funeral."

Oin: "Did somebody die?"

Bofur: "All right, lads. There's only one thing for it. There's an inn, there's an inn.

There's a merry old inn
Beneath an old gray hill
The rest begin singing:
And there they brew a beer so brown
The Man in the Moon
Himself came down

One night
To drink his fill
- Oh -

The ostler has a tipsy cat
That played a five-stringed fiddle
And up and down he saws his bow

Now squeaking high
Now purring low
Now sawing in the middle
- So -

The cat on the fiddle
Played hey-diddle-diddle
A drink that'll wake the dead
He squeaked and he sawed

And he quickened
The tune
And the landlord
Shook the Man
In the Moon
'it's after Three!' he said.

(Thorin, Bilbo, Balin, Elrond, and Gandalf are in Rivendell Library, but THorin is refusing for Elrond to see the map.)

Thorin: (stubbornly) Our business is no concern of Elves.

Gandalf: For goodness sake, Thorin, show him the map.

Thorin Oakenshield: It is the legacy of my people. It is mine to protect, as are its secrets.

Gandalf: Save me from the stubbornness of Dwarves. Your pride will be your downfall. You stand in the presence of one of the few in Middle-earth... ...who can read that map. Show it to Lord Elrond.

(Bilbo looks between them, obviously annoyed by how this conversation went down. Thorin contemplates for a moment before giving the map to Elrond.

Balin: Thorin, no. (Thorin hands the map over to Elrond, despite Thorin's protests).

Elrond: Erebor. What is your interest in this map?

Gandalf: It's mainly academic. As you know, this sort of artifact sometimes contains hidden text. You still read ancient Dwarvish, do you not? Moon runes? Of course. (Bilbo looks at her.) An easy thing to miss.

Elrond: Well, in this case, that is true. Moon runes can only be read by the light of a moon... ...of the same shape and season as the day on which they were written.

Thorin: Can you read them?

Elrond: These runes were written on a Midsummer's Eve by the light of a crescent moon nearly 200 years ago. It would seem you were meant to come to Rivendell. Fate is with you, Thorin Oakenshield. The same moon shines upon us tonight. (reads the map) "Stand by the gray stone when the thrush knocks and the setting sun with the last light of Durin's Day will shine upon the keyhole."

Bilbo: (confused; to Balin) Durin's Day?

Gandalf: It is the start of the Dwarves' new year, when the last moon of autumn, and the first sun of winter appear in the sky together.

Thorin: (after thinking this through) This is ill news. Summer is passing. Durin's Day will soon be upon us.

Balin: We still have time.

Bilbo: Time? For what?

Balin: To find the entrance. We have to be standing in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Then, and only then, can the door be opened.

Elrond: So this is your purpose, to enter the mountain?

Thorin: What of it?

Elrond: There are some who would not deem it wise.

Gandalf: What do you mean?

Elrond: You are not the only guardian to stand watch over Middle-earth.

(Dol Guldur)

(Bilbo goes on through Rivendell without his companions and stands on the balcony of his guest chambers. Elrond comes up next to him, surprising Bilbo completely.)

Elrond: Not with your companions?

Bilbo: No, I shan't be missed. The truth is that most of them don't think I should be on this journey."

Elrond: Indeed? I've heard that Hobbits are very resilient.

Bilbo: Really?

Elrond: I've also heard they're fond of the comforts of home.

Bilbo: (looks around and whispers) I've heard that it's unwise to seek the council of Elves. That they will only answer with 'Yes' and 'No'.

(Elrond looks down at Bilbo with an unreadable expression as Bilbo dons on an insecure one. However, Elrond smiles. Bilbo looks at him, giving a small laugh)

Elrond (places hand on his shoulder): You are very welcome to stay here, if that is your wish.

Lindir (Elvish, subtitled): "The kitchen's under enormous strain, we are almost out of wine. How long do you think they will be with us?

Elrond (Elvish, subtitled): "That has yet to be decided.(They turn and watch the Dwarves playing in the pools naked as Elrond and Lindir look at them)

(The dwarves in their guest rooms are throwing stuff around and burning their furniture. Bofur sees his brother, Bombur sitting up there.)

Bofur: Bombur. (He tosses the food into Bombur, causing the table to break underneath them. Everyone laughs. Bilbo continues walking through Rivendell.)

Gandalf: Of course I was going to tell you. I was waiting for this very chance.

(After approaching the steps, Bilbo catches the conversation between Elrond and Gandalf and can't help but listen.)

Gandalf: (continued) And really, I think you can trust that I know what I am doing.

Elrond: Do you? That dragon has slept for 60 years. What will happen if your plan should fail, if you wake that beast?"

Gandalf: "What if we succeed? If the Dwarves take back the mountain our defenses in the east will be strengthened."

Elrond: It is a dangerous move, Gandalf.

(Bilbo looks to see Thorin behind him. However, the dwarf king looks at him, that just tells him to listen and not say another word. They continue listening.)

Gandalf: It is also dangerous to do nothing. Oh, come, the throne of Erebor is Thorin's birthright. What is it you fear?

Elrond: Have you forgotten? A strain of madness runs deep in that family. His grandfather lost his mind. His father succumbed to the same sickness. Can you swear Thorin Oakenshield will not also fall? (as Gandalf speaks, Thorin looks troubled as Bilbo looks at them with an understanding of Thorin more than he ever did. ) Gandalf, these decisions do not rest with us alone. It is not up to you or me to redraw the map of Middle-earth.

Gandalf: With or without our help, these Dwarves will march on the mountain. They're determined to reclaim their homeland. I do not believe Thorin Oakenshield feels that he is answerable to anyone. Nor, for that matter, am I.

Elrond: (looks at Gandalf) It is not me you must answer to. (Gandalf looks to see Lady Galadriel there.)

Gandalf: Lady Galadriel.

Galadriel: Mithrandir. It has been a long time.

Gandalf: (in elvish) Age may have changed me, but not so the Lady of Lorien.

(Galadriel smiles.)

Gandalf: I had no idea Lord Elrond had sent for you. (A voice sounds out of the darkness.)

Saruman: He didn’t. I did.

(Gandalf turns and sees Saruman the White; he bows to him.)

Gandalf: Saruman.

Saruman: You’ve been busy of late, my friend.

(The White Council, composed of Saruman, Elrond, Galadriel, and Gandalf, are in the pavilion. Gandalf and Saruman sit at a table; Elrond and Galadriel stand or walk about. Dawn is slowly breaking.)

Saruman: Tell me, Gandalf, did you think these plans and schemes of yours would go unnoticed?

Gandalf: Unnoticed? No, I’m simply doing what I feel to be right.

Galadriel: The dragon has long been on your mind.

Gandalf: This is true, my lady. Smaug owes allegiance to no one. But if he should side with the enemy, a dragon could be used to terrible effect.

Saruman: What enemy? Gandalf, the enemy is defeated. Sauron is vanquished. He can never regain his full strength.

Elrond: Gandalf, for four hundred years, we have lived in peace. A hardwon, watchful peace.

Gandalf: Are we? Are we at peace? Trolls have come down from the mountains. They are raiding villages, destroying farms. Orcs have attacked us on the road.

Elrond: Hardly a prelude to war.

Saruman: Always you must meddle, looking for trouble where none exists.

Galadriel: Let him speak.

Gandalf: There is something at work beyond the evil of Smaug. Something far more powerful. We can remain blind, but it will not be ignoring us, that I can promise you. A sickness lies over the Greenwood. The woodsmen who live there now call it ‘Mirkwood’. and they say...

Saruman: Well, don’t stop now. Tell us about the woodsmen say.

Gandalf: They speak of a Necromancer living in Dol Guldur, a sorcerer who can summon the dead.

Saruman: That’s absurd. No such power exists in the world. This...Necromancer is nothing more than a mortal man. A conjurer dabbling in black magic.

Gandalf: And so I thought too. But, Radagast has seen

Saruman: Radagast? Do not speak to me about Radagast the Brown. He is a foolish fellow.

Gandalf: Well, he’s odd, I grant you. He lives a solitary life.

Saruman: It’s not that. It’s his excessive consumption of mushrooms. They’ve addled his brain and yellowed his teeth. I warned him, it is unbefitting of the Istari to be wander in the woods... (Saruman’s voice fades away as Galadriel focuses on Gandalf, and speaks to him in his mind.)

Galadriel( telepathically): You carry something. It came to you from Radagast. He found it in Dol Guldur.

Gandalf, telepathically: Yes.

Galadriel( telepathically): Show me.

(Gandalf lifts Radagast’s package, which he had in his lap, and places it on the table. It lets out a dull thud.)

Saruman: …or I’d think I was talking to myself…

Elrond:) What is that?

Galadriel: A relic of Mordor.

(Elrond, who was reaching out to unwrap the package, draws his hand back. He then reaches for it again and opens it, revealing the sword Radagast took from the spirit in Dol Guldur. The White Council members look upon it in shock.) (Elrond:) A Morgul blade.

Galadriel: Made for the Witchking of Angmar, and buried with him. When Angmar fell, men of the North took his body and all that he possessed and sealed it within the HighFells of Rhudaur. Deep within the rock they buried them, in a tomb so dark it would never come to light.

Elrond: This is not possible. A powerful spells lies upon those tombs; they cannot be opened.

Saruman: What proof do we have this weapon came from Angmar’s grave?

Gandalf: I have none.

Saruman: Because there is none. Let us examine what we know. A single Orc pack has dared to cross the Bruinen. A dagger from a bygone age has been found. And a human sorcerer, who calls himself the Necromancer, has taken up residence in a ruined fortress. It’s not so very much, after all. The question of this dwarvish company, however, troubles me deeply. I’m not convinced, Gandalf; I do not feel I can condone such a quest. If they’d come to me, I might have spared them this disappointment. I do not pretend to understand your reasons for raising their hopes…

(Saruman’s voice fades away as Galadriel again focuses on Gandalf. She speaks to him telepathically.)

Galadriel( telepathically): They are leaving.

(Gandalf, telepathically:) Yes.

Galadriel( telepathically): You knew.

Saruman: …I am afraid there is nothing else for it.

(Gandalf nods. Galadriel smiles slightly. A step is heard, and they all turn around; Lindir come up and bows.)

Lindir: My Lord Elrond; the dwarves, they’ve gone.

(Thorin and company are seen making their way up the path they came. However, Bilbo is the one who hesitates, and is looking back at Rivendell.)

Thorin: (to the company) Be on your guard. We're about to step over the Edge of the Wild. Balin, you know these paths. Lead on.

Balin: Aye.

Thorin: (notices Bilbo is lagging behind)Master Baggins. (Bilbo looks to him.) I suggest you keep up.

(Bilbo looks at the city one more time before turning around for the road ahead).

Galadriel:You will follow them.

Gandalf: Yes.

Galadriel:You are right to help Thorin Oakenshield. But I fear this quest has set in motion... ...forces we do not yet understand. The riddle of the Morgul Blade must be answered. Something moves in the shadows unseen, hidden from our sight. It will not show itself. Not yet. But every day it grows in strength. You must be careful. Mithrandir? Why the Halfling?

Gandalf: I do not know. Saruman believes that it is only great power... ...that can hold evil in check. But that is not what I have found. I have found it is the small things... ...everyday deeds of ordinary folk... ...that keeps the darkness at bay. Simple acts of kindness and love. Why Bilbo Baggins? Perhaps it is because I'm afraid... ...and he gives me courage.

Galadriel: Do not be afraid, Mithrandir. You are not alone.

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Older Bilbo Baggins:My dear Frodo:You asked me once if I had told you everything there was to know about my adventures. And while I can honestly say I have told you the truth I may not have told you all of it. I am old now, Frodo. I'm not the same Hobbit I once was. I think it is time for you to know what really happened. It began long ago in a land far away to the east the like of which you will not find in the world today. There was the city of Dale. Its markets known far and wide. Full of the bounties of vine and vale. Peaceful and prosperous. For this city lay before the doors of the greatest kingdom in Middle-earth: Erebor. Stronghold of Thror, King Under the Mountain. Mightiest of the Dwarf Lords. Thror ruled with utter surety never doubting his house would endure for his line lay secure in the lives of his son and grandson.

Ah, Frodo. Erebor. Built deep within the mountain itself the beauty of this fortress city was legend. Its wealth lay in the earth in precious gems hewn from rock and in great seams of gold running like rivers through stone. The skill of the Dwarves was unequaled fashioning objects of great beauty out of diamond, emerald, ruby and sapphire. Ever they delved deeper, down into the dark. And that is where they found it. The Heart of the Mountain. The Arkenstone. Thror named it "The King's Jewel." He took it as a sign, a sign that his right to rule was divine. All would pay homage to him. Even the great Elven King, Thranduil. As the great wealth of the Dwarves grew their store of good will ran thin. No one knows exactly what began the rift. The Elves say the Dwarves stole their treasure. The Dwarves tell another tale. They say the Elf King refused to give them their rightful pay.

It is sad, Frodo, how old alliances can be broken. How friendships between peoples can be lost. And for what? But the years of peace and plenty were not to last. Slowly the days turned sour and the watchful nights closed in. Thror's love of gold had grown too fierce. A sickness had begun to grow within him. It was a sickness of the mind. And where sickness thrives bad things will follow. The first they heard was a noise like a hurricane coming down from the North. The pines on the mountain creaked and cracked in the hot, dry wind.

Young Thorin Oakenshield:Balin, sound the alarm. Call out the guard. Do it now!

Younger Balin:What is it?

Young Thorin Oakenshield: Dragon. Dragon!

Old Bilbo Baggins: He was a firedrake from the North. Smaug had come. Such wanton death was dealt that day. For this city of Men was nothing to Smaug. His eye was set on another prize. For dragons covet gold with a dark and fierce desire. For a dragon will guard his plunder as long as he lives.

Young Thorin Oakenshield: Run for your lives! Ah! Help us!

Old Bilbo Baggins: Thranduil would not risk the lives of his kin against the wrath of the dragon. No help came from the Elves that day nor any day since. Robbed of their homeland, the Dwarves of Erebor wandered the wilderness a once mighty people brought low. The young Dwarf prince took work where he could find it laboring in the villages of Men. But always he remembered the mountain smoke beneath the moon the trees like torches blazing bright. For he had seen dragon fire in the sky and a city turned to ash. And he never forgave and he never forgot.

That, my dear Frodo, is where I come in. For, quite by chance, and the will of a Wizard fate decided I would become part of this tale. It began... Well, it began as you might expect. In a hole in the ground there lived a Hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole full of worms and oozy smells. This was a Hobbit hole. And that means good food, a warm hearth and all the comforts of home. Thank you.

Old Bilbo: Thank you.

Frodo: What’s this?

Old Bilbo: That is private. Keep your sticky paws off!

Old Bilbo: It’s not ready yet.

Frodo: Not ready for what?

Old Bilbo: Reading.

Old Bilbo: What on earth are these?

Frodo: Replies to the party invitations.

Old Bilbo: Ah! Good gracious! Is it today?

Frodo: They all say they’re coming, except for the Sackville-Bagginses, who are demanding you ask them in person.

Old Bilbo: Are they, indeed. Over my dead body.

Frodo: They’d probably find that quite agreeable. They seem to think you have tunnels overflowing with gold.

Old Bilbo: It was one small chest, hardly overflowing. And it still smells of troll.

Frodo: What on earth are you doing?

Old Bilbo: Taking precautions. You know I caught her making off with the silverware once.

Frodo: Who?

Old Bilbo: Lobelia Sackville-Baggins. She had all my spoons stuffed in her pockets. Dreadful woman. Make sure you keep an eye on her after I’m… When I’m…when…

Frodo: When you’re…what?

Old Bilbo: It’s nothing. Nothing.

Frodo: You know, some people are beginning to wonder about you, uncle.

Old Bilbo: Hmm?

Frodo: They think you’re becoming odd.

Old Bilbo: Odd?

Frodo: Well, unsociable.

Old Bilbo: Unsociable, me? Nonsense. Be a good lad and put that on the gate.

Frodo: Do you think he’ll come?

Old Bilbo: Who?

Frodo: Gandalf.

Old Bilbo: Oh, he wouldn’t miss a chance to let off his whiz poppers. He’ll give us quite a show, you’ll see.

Frodo: Right then. I am off.

Old Bilbo: Off to where?

Frodo: Eastfarthing woods. I’m going to surprise him.

Old Bilbo: Well, go on then. You don’t want to be late. [voice over] He doesn’t approve being late. Not that I ever was. In those days, I was always on time. I was entirely respectable, and nothing unexpected…ever happened.

Scene 2: Bilbo meeting Gandalf

Bilbo Baggins: Good morning.
Gandalf: What do you mean? Do you wish me a good morning or do you mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not? Or perhaps you mean to say that you feel good on this particular morning? Or are you simply stating that this is a morning to be good on? Hm?
Bilbo Baggins: All of them at once, I suppose.
Gandalf: Hmm.
Bilbo Baggins: Can I help you?
Gandalf: That remains to be seen. I'm looking for someone to share in an adventure.
Bilbo Baggins: An adventure? No, I don't imagine anyone west of Bree would have much interest in adventures. Nasty, disturbing, uncomfortable things. Make you late for dinner. Heh, heh. Mm. Huh. Hmm. Oh. Ah. Good morning.
Gandalf: To think that I should have lived to be "good morninged" by Belladonna Took's son as if I were selling buttons at the door.
Bilbo Baggins: Beg your pardon?
Gandalf: You've changed, and not entirely for the better, Bilbo Baggins.
Bilbo Baggins: I'm sorry, do I know you?
Gandalf: Well, you know my name, although you don't remember I belong to it. I'm Gandalf. And Gandalf means... ...me.
Bilbo Baggins: Gandalf? Not Gandalf the wandering Wizard... ...who made such excellent fireworks? Old Took used to have them on Midsummer's Eve. Heh, heh. Ahem. No idea you were still in business.
Gandalf: And where else should I be?
Bilbo Baggins: Where else...? Ahem.
Gandalf: Well, I'm pleased to find you remember something about me... ...even if it's only my fireworks. Yes. Well, that's decided. It'll be very good for you (Bilbo looks at Gandalf confused) and most amusing for me. I shall inform the others.
Bilbo Baggins: Inform the who? What? No. No. No... Wait. We do not want any adventures here, thank you. Not today. Not... I suggest you try Over the Hill or Across the Water. Good morning.

Farmer(Mr. Worrywort): "Hello, Mr. Bilbo. Here. Have a feel of me tubers. Nice and firm, they are. Just come in from West Farthing."
Bilbo Baggins: "Very impressive, Mr. Worrywort. Now, I don't suppose you've seen a Wizard lurking around these parts?"
Mr. Worrywort: "A tall fellow? Long, gray beard? Pointy hat...? Can't say I have."

Bilbo is about to eat, but the doorbell rings before he begins to.

Dwalin: Dwalin, at your service.

Bilbo Baggins: Hm. Uh... Bilbo Baggins, at yours. Do we know each other?

Dwalin: No. Which way, laddie? Is it down here?

Bilbo Baggins: Is what down where?

Dwalin: Supper. He said there'd be food and lots of it.

Bilbo Baggins: He... He said? Who said?

Dwalin: Mmm. Mmm. Very good, this. Any more?

Bilbo Baggins: What? Oh, yes, yes. Ah. Help yourself. Hmm. It's just that, um, I wasn't expecting company.

Dwalin: That'll be the door.

Balin: Balin, at your service.

Bilbo Baggins: Good evening.

Balin: Yes. Yes, it is. Though I think it might rain later.

Bilbo Baggins: Hm?

Balin: Am I late?

Bilbo Baggins: Late for what?

Balin: Oh! Ha, ha! Evening, brother.

Dwalin: By my beard... ...you're shorter and wider than last we met.

Balin: Wider, not shorter. Sharp enough for both of us.

Bilbo Baggins: Uh, excuse me? Sorry, I hate to interrupt. But the thing is, I'm not entirely sure you're in the right house.

Balin: Have you eaten?

Bilbo: It's not that I don't like visitors. I like visitors as much as the next Hobbit. But I do like to know them before they come "visiting".

Dwalin: What is this?

Balin: I don't know. I think it's cheese. Gone blue.

Dwalin:It's riddled with mold.

Bilbo:The thing is, I don't know either of you. Not in the slightest. I don't mean to be blunt, but I had to speak my mind. I'm sorry.

Balin: You think...? Apology accepted.Now, fill it up, brother, don't stint.

Dwalin: You wanna get stuck in?

Balin: I could eat again if you insist, brother.

Fili: Fili.

Kili: And Kili.

Fili and Kili: At your service.

Kili: You must be Mr. Baggins.

Bilbo: No! You can’t come in, you’ve come to the wrong house.

Kili: What?! Has it been canceled?

Fili: No one told us.

Bilbo: Can…! No, nothing’s been canceled.

Kili: That’s a relief.

Fili: Careful with these, I just had them sharpened.

Kili: It’s nice, this place. Did you do it yourself?

Bilbo: Uh…no, it’s been in the family for years. That’s my mother’s glory box, can you please not do that?

Dwalin: Fili, Kili, come on, give us a hand.

Kili: Mr. Dwalin.

Balin: Let’s shove this in the hole, or otherwise we’ll never get everyone in.

Bilbo: Ev…everyone?! How many more are there? Oh, no! No, no. There’s nobody home! Go away, and bother somebody else! There’s far too many dwarves in my dining room as it is. If…if this is some blockhead’s idea of a joke, I can only say, it is in very poor taste!

One of the Dwarves: Get off, you big lump!

[Gandalf pokes his head through the door]

Bilbo: Gandalf.

Bilbo: Those are my… Excuse me, not my wine! Put that back. Put that back! Not the jam, please. Excuse me. Ex…Excuse me. A tad excessive, isn’t it? Have you got a cheese knife?

Bofur: A cheese knife? He eats it by the block.

Bilbo: No no, that’s Grandpa Mungo’s chair, no…uh, so is that. Take it back, please. Take it back, this is antique, not for sitting on. Thank you. That is a book, not a coaster. Uh…put that map down.

Dori: Excuse me, Mr. Gandalf.

Gandalf: Yes?

Dori: May I tempt you with a cup of chamomile?

Gandalf: Ooh, no thank you, Dori. A little red wine, for me I think.

Gandalf: Uh..Fili, Kili. Uh…Oin, Gloin. Dwalin, Balin. Bifur, Bofur, Bombur. Dori, Nori.

Bilbo: No, no. Not my prize winners, thank you.

Gandalf: Ori!

Gandalf: Yes, you are quite right, Bifur. We appear to be one dwarf short.

Dwalin: He is late, is all. He traveled north to a meeting of our kin, he will come.

Dori: Mr. Gandalf?

Gandalf: Hmm?

Dori: A little glass of red wine as requested, it’s got a fruity bouquet.

Gandalf: Oh, cheers.

Fili: Who wants an ale? There you go.

Oin: Let me have another drink.

Balin: Here you go.

Bofur: Hey, on the count of three! One! Two! Come!

Bilbo: Ex…excuse me, that is a doily, not a dish cloth.

Bofur: But it’s full of holes!

Bilbo: It’s supposed to look like that, it’s crochet.

Bofur: Oh, and a wonderful game it is too, if you got the balls for it.

Bilbo: Bebother and confusticate these dwarves!

Gandalf: My dear Bilbo, what on earth is the matter?

Bilbo: What’s the matter? I am surrounded by dwarves. What they’re doing here?

Gandalf: Oh, they’re quite a merry gathering, once you get used to them.

Bilbo: I don’t want to get used to them. Look at the state of my kitchen! There’s mud trod in the carpet, they…they’ve pillaged the pantry! I’m not even gonna tell you what they’ve done in the bathroom, they’ve all but destroyed the plumbing! I don’t understand what they’re doing in my house!

Ori: Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt. But what should do with my plate?

Fili: Here you go, Ori, give it to me.

Bilbo: Excuse me! That’s my mother’s Westfarthing pottery, it’s over a hundred years old! And…and, ca…can you not do that, you’ll blunt them!

Bofur: Ooh, d’you hear that, lads? He says we’ll blunt the knives!

Kili: Blunt the knives, bend the forks

Fili: Smash the bottles and bum the corks

Other Dwarves join in:

Chip the glasses and crack the plates
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates
Cut the cloth, tread on the fat
Leave the bones on the bedroom mat
Pour the milk on the pantry floor
Splash the wine on every door
Dump the crooks in a boiling bowl
Pound them up with a thumping pole
When you're finished, if they are whole
Send them down the hall to roll
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates

Gandalf: He is here.

Thorin: Gandalf. I thought you said this place would be easy to find. I lost my way, twice. I wouldn't have found it at all had it not been for that mark on the door.

Bilbo: Mark? There's no mark on that door. It was painted a week ago.

Gandalf: There is a mark. I put it there myself. Bilbo Baggins, allow me to introduce the leader of our company: Thorin Oakenshield.

Thorin: So... ...this is the Hobbit. Tell me, Mr. Baggins, have you done much fighting?

Bilbo Baggins: Pardon me?

Thorin: Ax or sword? What's your weapon of choice?

Bilbo Baggins: Well, I do have some skill at conkers, if you must know... ...but I fail to see why that's relevant.

Thorin: Thought as much. He looks more like a grocer than a burglar.

Balin:What news from the meeting in Ered Luin? Did they all come?

Thorin Oakenshield:Aye, envoys from all seven kingdoms.

Dwalin: And what did the dwarves of the Iron Hill say? Is Dain with us?

Thorin Oakenshield:They will not come. They say this quest is ours, and ours alone.

Bilbo: You’re doing a quest?

Gandalf: Bilbo, my dear fellow, let us have a little more light. Far to the East, over ranges and rivers, beyond woodlands and wastelands, lies a single solitary peak.

Bilbo: The Lonely Mountain.

Glóin:Aye, Oin has read the portents, and the portents say: it is time.

Óin:Ravens have been seen flying back to the mountain as it was foretold. When the birds of the old return to Erebor, the reign of the beast will end.

Bilbo: Uh…what beast?

Bofur: Well that would be a reference to Smaug the terrible, chiefest and greatest calamity of our age. Airborne fire breather, teeth like razors, claws like meat hooks, extremely fond of precious metals.

Bilbo: Yes, I know what a dragon is.

Ori: I’m not afraid, I’m up for it. I’ll give him a taste of the dwarfish iron right up his jacksy!

Glóin:Good lad, Ori!

Dori: Sit down!

Balin: The task would be difficult enough with an army behind us, but we number just thirteen, and not thirteen of the best, nor brightest.

Ori: Hey! Who are you calling dim?

Óin:Sorry, what did he say?

Fili: We may be few in number. But we’re fighters, all of us! To the last dwarf!

Kili: And you forget we have a wizard in our company, Gandalf will have killed hundreds of dragons in his time.

Gandalf: Oh, well. No, uh, I…I wouldn’t say…

Dori: How many then?

Gandalf: What?

Dori: Well, how many dragons have you killed? Go on, give us a number!

Bilbo: Uh…Please. Please.

Thorin Oakenshield:Enough! If we have read these signs, do you not think others will have read them too? Rumors have begun to spread. The dragon Smaug has not been seen for sixty years. Eyes look East to the mountain, assessing, wondering, weighing the risk. Perhaps the vast wealth of our people now lies unprotected. Do we sit back while others claim what is rightfully ours? Or do we seize this chance to take back Erebor?

Balin:You forget, the Front Gate is sealed. (Thorin sits back down.) There is no way into the mountain.

Gandalf: That, my dear Balin, is not entirely true. (produces a key and Thorin recognizes it)

Thorin Oakenshield:How come you by this?

Gandalf: It was given to me by your father. By Thrain. For safekeeping. It is yours now. (hands Thorin the key, who clutches onto it hard)

Fili: If there is a key, there must be a door.

Gandalf: (nods to affirm Fili's assumption) These runes speak of a hidden passage to the Lower Halls.

Kili: There's another way in.

Gandalf: Well, if we can find it, but Dwarf doors are invisible when closed. The answer lies hidden somewhere in this map...and I do not have the skill to find it. But there are others in Middle-earth who can. The task I have in mind will require a great deal of stealth... ...and no small amount of courage. But if we are careful and clever, I believe that it can be done.

Ori: That's why we need a burglar.

Bilbo: Hmm. And a good one too. An expert, I'd imagine.

Óin:And are you?

Bilbo: (looks behind him and notices that the dwarves are talking to him) (confused) Am I what?

Óin:He said he's an expert. Hey.

Bilbo Baggins: Me? No. No, no, no. I'm not a burglar.

I've never stolen a thing in my life.

Balin:Well, I'm afraid I have to agree with Mr. Baggins. He's hardly burglar material.

Bilbo Baggins: Nope.

Dwalin: Aye, the Wild is no place for gentle folk who can neither fight nor fend for themselves.

Gandalf: Enough! If I say Bilbo Baggins is a burglar, then a burglar he is. Hobbits are remarkably light on their feet. In fact, they can pass unseen by most, if they choose. And, while the dragon is accustomed to the smell of Dwarf... ...the scent of a Hobbit is all but unknown to him... ...which gives us a distinct advantage. You asked me to find the 14th member of this company and I have chosen Mr. Baggins. There's a lot more to him than appearances suggest. And he's got a great deal more to offer than any of you know. Including himself. You must trust me on this.

(Gandalf looks at Thorin, who reluctantly agrees with the wizard for once).

Thorin Oakenshield: Very well. We will do it your way. Give him the contract.

Glóin:We're in. We're off.

Bilbo: Please.

Balin:It’s just the usual summary of out-of-pocket expenses, time required, remuneration, funeral arrangements, so forth.

Bilbo: Funeral arrangements? (opens the contract and realizes how long it is) Ooh.

Thorin Oakenshield:I cannot guarantee his safety.

Gandalf: Understood.

Thorin Oakenshield:Nor will I be responsible for his fate.

Gandalf: Agreed.

Bilbo: [to himself] ‘Total’s cash on delivery, up to but not exceeding, one fourteenth of total profit if any.’ Seems fair. Uh…’The present company shall not be liable for injuries inflicted by or sustained as a consequence thereof, including, but not limited to…lacerations. Evisceration. (looks to the dwarves) Incineration?

Bofur: Oh, aye, he’ll melt the flesh off your bones in the blink of an eye.

Balin:You alright, laddie?

Bilbo: Huh? Yeah, I fe…I feel a bit faint.

Bofur: Think furnace, with wings.

Bilbo: I…I…I need air.

Bofur: Flash of light, searing pain, then poof! You’re nothing more than a pile of ash!

Bilbo: No. (Bilbo faints)

Gandalf: (sarcastically) Oh, very helpful, Bofur.

Bilbo Baggins: I'll be all right. Just let me sit quietly for a moment.

Gandalf:You've been sitting quietly for far too long. Tell me, when did doilies and your mother's dishes... ...become so important to you? I remember a young Hobbit who was always running off in search of Elves in the woods. Who would stay out late, come home after dark... ...trailing mud and twigs and fireflies. A young Hobbit who would have liked nothing better... ...than to find out what was beyond the borders of the Shire. The world is not in your books and maps. It's out there.

Bilbo Baggins: I can't just go running off into the blue. I am a Baggins of Bag-end.

Gandalf:You are also a Took. Did you know that your great-great-great-great-uncle Bullroarer Took was so large, he could ride a real horse?

Bilbo Baggins: Yes.

Gandalf:Yes, well, he could. In the Battle of Green Fields, he charged the Goblin ranks. He swung his club so hard, it knocked the Goblin king's head clean off... ...and it sailed 100 yards through the air and went down a rabbit hole. And thus, the battle was won. And the game of golf invented at the same time.

Bilbo Baggins: I do believe you made that up.

Gandalf:Well, all good stories deserve embellishment. You'll have a tale or two to tell of your own when you come back.

Bilbo Baggins: Can you promise that I will come back?

Gandalf:No. And if you do... ...you will not be the same.

Bilbo Baggins: That's what I thought. Sorry, Gandalf, I can't sign this. You've got the wrong Hobbit.

Balin: It appears we have lost our burglar. Probably for the best. The odds were always against us. After all, what are we? Merchants, miners, tinkers, toy makers. Hardly the stuff of legend.

Thorin: There are a few warriors amongst us.

Balin: Old warriors.

Thorin: I would take each and every one of these dwarves over an army from the Iron Hills, for when I called upon them, they answered. Loyalty, honor, a willing heart. I can ask no more than that.

Balin: You don’t have to do this. You have a choice. You’ve done honorably by our people. You have built a new life for us in the Blue Mountains. A life of peace and plenty. A life that is worth more than all the gold in Erebor.

Thorin: From my grandfather to my father, this has come to me. They dreamt of the day when the dwarves of Erebor would reclaim their homeland. There is no choice, Balin. Not for me.

Balin: Then we are with you, laddie. We will see it done.

Thorin [singing] Far over the Misty Mountains cold. To dungeons deep and caverns old. We must away ere break of day. To find our long forgotten gold.

Dwarves: [singing] The pines were roaring on the height, the winds were moaning in the night. The fire was red, it flaming spread. The trees like torches blazed with light.

Bilbo: Hello!

Hobbit: Here, Mr. Bilbo! Where are you off too?

Bilbo: I can’t stop, I’m already late!

Hobbit: Late for what?

Bilbo: I’m going on an adventure!

Wait! Wait! (Everyone stops. Bilbo happily hands it over to Balin) I signed it.

Balin: Everything appears to be in order. Welcome, master Baggins, to the company of Thorin Oakenshield.

Thorin: Give him a pony.

Bilbo: No, no, no, no. That…that won’t be necessary. Thank you. I’m sure I can keep up on foot. Yeah, I…I’ve done my fair share of walking holidays, you know? Even got as far as Frog Morton once.

Oin: Come on, Nori! Pay up!

Bilbo: What’s that about?

Gandalf: Oh, they took wagers on whether or not you’d turn up. Most of them bet that you wouldn’t.

Bilbo: And what did you think?

Gandalf: Well… (catches a sack of coin) My dear fellow, I never doubted you for a second.

Bilbo: Oh, it’s horse hair. Having a reaction. Uh…wait, wait. Stop! Stop! We have to turn around.

Gandalf: What on earth is the matter?

Bilbo: I forgot my handkerchief.

Bofur: Here! Use this.

Thorin: Move on!

Gandalf: You’ll have to manage without pocket handkerchiefs, and a good many other things, Bilbo Baggins, before we reach our journey’s end. You were born to the rolling hills and little rivers of the Shire. But home is now behind you. The world is ahead.

(Bilbo cannot sleep because of Bombur's snoring. He gets up and smuggles an apple to Myrtle. He speaks to her gently. )

Bilbo Baggins: Hello, girl. Who's a good girl? (feeds her) It's our little secret, Myrtle. You must tell no one. Shh, shh. (he smiles and pets her snout but there is a shriek in the air. He looks to Fili and Kili, who are already awake) What was that?

Kili:Orcs.

Bilbo Baggins" Orcs? (Thorin wakes up in alarm but sees that Fili and Kili are teasing Bilbo).

Fili: Throat-cutters. There'll be dozens of them out there.

Kili:The lone-lands are crawling with them. They strike in the wee small hours when everyone's asleep. Quick and quiet, no screams. Just lots of blood.

(The boys laugh when Bilbo looks panicked as if it were a joke)

Thorin Oakenshield: (sternly) You think that's funny? You think a night raid by Orcs is a joke?

Kili: We didn’t mean anything by it.

Thorin Oakenshield: No you didn’t. You know nothing of the world.

Balin: Don’t mind him, laddie. Thorin has more cause than most to hate orcs. After the dragon took the Lonely Mountain... ...King Thror tried to reclaim the ancient Dwarf kingdom of Moria. But our enemy had got there first. Moria had been taken by legions of Orcs... ...led by the most vile of all their race: Azog the Defiler. The giant Gundabad Orc... ...had sworn to wipe out the line of Durin. He began... ...by beheading the king. No! Thrain, Thorin's father, was driven mad by grief. He went missing. Taken prisoner or killed... ...we did not know. We were leaderless. Defeat and death... ...were upon us. That is when I saw him. A young Dwarf prince... ...facing down the pale Orc. He stood alone against this terrible foe. His armor rent... ...wielding nothing but an oaken branch as a shield. Azog the Defiler learned that day... ...that the line of Durin would not be so easily broken. Our forces rallied... wand drove the Orcs back. And our enemy... ...had been defeated. But there was no feast... ...nor song that night... ...for our dead were beyond the count of grief. We few had survived. And I thought to myself then... ...there is one who I could follow. There is one... ...I could call king.

Bilbo Baggins: And the Pale Orc? What happened to him?

Thorin Oakenshield: He slunk back into the hole whence he came. That filth died of his wounds long ago.

Hunter Orc: Send word to the Master, we have found the Dwarf-scum.

Dori: Here, Mr. Gandalf? Can’t you do something about this deluge?

Gandalf: It is raining, master dwarf. And it will continue to rain until the rain is done! If you wish to change the weather of the world, you should find yourself another wizard.

Bilbo: Are there any?

Gandalf: What?

Bilbo: Other wizards?

Gandalf: There are five us. The greatest of our order is Saruman, The White. Then there are the two blue wizards. Do you know, I’ve quite forgotten their names.

Bilbo: And who is the fifth?

Gandalf: Well, that would be Radagast, The Brown.

Bilbo: Is he a great wizard or is he…more like you?

Gandalf: I think he’s a very great wizard, in his own way. He’s a gentle soul who prefers the company of animals to others. He keeps a watchful eye over the vast forestlands to the East, and a good thing too, for always evil will look to find a foothold in this world.

Radagast: Not good. Not good at all! Oh. Oh, no! Oh, Sebastian! Good gracious. Move back! Give him some air, for goodness sake! I don’t understand why it’s not working, it’s not as if it’s witchcraft! Witchcraft. Oh, but it is! A dark and powerful magic. Where on this good earth do those foul creatures come from? The old fortress? Show me.

Thorin Oakenshield: We’ll camp here for the night. FÃli, KÃli, look after the ponies. Make sure you stay with them.

Gandalf: (inspecting the ruined house) A farmer and his family used to live here.

Thorin Oakenshield: Oin, Gloin.

Oin: Aye?

Thorin Oakenshield: Get the fire going.

Oin: Right you are.

Gandalf: I think it would be wiser to move on. We could make for the hidden valley.

Thorin Oakenshield: But I’ve told you already. I will not go near that place.

Gandalf: Why not? The Elves could help us, we could get food, rest, advice.

Thorin Oakenshield: I do not need their advice.

Gandalf: We have a map that we cannot read. Lord Elrond could help us.

Thorin Oakenshield: Help? A dragon attacks Erebor. What help came from the Elves? Orcs plunder Moria, desecrate our sacred halls, the Elves looked on and did nothing! You ask me to seek out the very people who betrayed my grandfather, who betrayed my father.

Gandalf: You are neither of them. I did not give you that map and key for you to hold on to the past.

Thorin Oakenshield: I did not know they were yours to keep.

Bilbo: (sees Gandalf storm off in frustration) Everything alright? Gandalf, where are you going?

Gandalf: To seek the company of the only one around here who’s got any sense.

Bilbo: And who’s that?

Gandalf: Myself, mister Baggins! I’ve had enough of dwarves for one day.

Thorin Oakenshield: Come on Bombur, we’re hungry.

Bilbo: (to Balin) Is he coming back? (The dwarf looks unsure at Bilbo. At night time, Bilbo is still worrying because Gandalf has yet to return. He’s been a long time.

Bofur: Who?

Bilbo: Gandalf.

Bofur: He’s a wizard! He does as he chooses. Here. Do us a favor, take this to the lads. (hands Bilbo the soup but stops Bombur from taking more.) Stop it, you’ve had plenty.

Bilbo: What’s the matter?

Kili: We’re supposed to be looking after the ponies.

Fili: Only we’ve encountered a slight problem.

Kili: We had sixteen.

Fili: Now there’s fourteen.

[as they look to see which ponies are missing]

Kili: Daisy and Bungle are missing.

Bilbo: What? Well, that’s not good. And that is not good at all. Shouldn’t we tell Thorin?

Fili: Uh…no. Let’s not worry him. As our official burglar, we thought you might like to look into it.

Bilbo: Well, uh…it looks as if something big uprooted these trees.

Kili: That was our thinking.

Bilbo: It’s something very big, and possibly quite dangerous.

Fili: Hey! There’s a light.

[to Kili]

Fili: Over here!

[they all move closer towards the light]

Fili: Stay down.

Bilbo: What is it?

Kili: Trolls.

Bilbo: He’s got Myrtle and Minty! I think they’re gonna eat them, we have to do something.

Kili: Yes, you should. Mountain trolls are slow and stupid, and you’re so small. They’ll never see you.

Bilbo: Me? Me? No. No. No.

Kili: It’s perfectly safe!

Fili: We’ll be right behind you. If you run into trouble hoot twice like a barn owl, once like a brown owl.

Bilbo: Twice like a barn owl, hoot twice like a brown…hoots like a…like a… Uh, are you sure this is a good idea?

William Troll: Mutton yesterday, mutton today. And blimey, if it don’t look like mutton again tomorrow.

Bert Troll: Quit your griping. These ain’t sheep! These is West nags!

Tom Troll: Oh! I don’t like horse. I never have. Not enough fat on them.

William Troll: Well, it’s better than a leathery ol’ farmer. All skin and bone he was. I’m still pickin’ bits of him out o’ me teeth.

Bert Troll: Well, that’s lovely, that is. A floater.hobbit-7

William Troll: Oh! Might improve the flavor!

Tom Troll: Ah! There’s more where that came from.

Bert Troll: Oh, no you don’t!

Tom Troll: Oww! Oww!

Bert Troll: Sit down!

Tom Troll: Well…I hope you’re gonna gut these nags? I don’t like the stinky parts.

Tom Troll: Oww!

Bert Troll: I said sit down!

William Troll: I’m starving, are we having horse tonight or what?

Bert Troll: Shut your cake hole! You’ll eat what I’ll give ya!

William Troll: How come he’s the cook? Everything tastes the same, everything tastes like chicken.

Tom Troll: Except the chicken.

William Troll: What tastes like fish!

Bert Troll: I’m just saying, a little appreciation would be nice. ‘Thank you very much, Bert. Lovely stew, Bert.’ How hard is that? Mmm. Just needs a sprinkle of squirrel dung. Here, that’s my grog!

Tom Troll: Sorry. Oww!

Bert Troll: Ooh. That is beautifully balanced, that is. Wrap your loganbie around that, mate. Huh? Good ain’t it? That’s why I’m the cook.

William Troll: Me guts are grumbling, I’ve got to snaffle something. Flesh. I need flesh!

Tom Troll: Aah! Blimey! Bert! Bert, look what’s come out of me hooter! It’s got arms and legs and everything!

Bert Troll: What is it?

Tom Troll: I don’t know, but I don’t like the way it wriggles around!

Bert Troll: What are you then? An oversized squirrel?

Bilbo: I’m a burglar…uh, hobbit!

Tom Troll: A ‘burglar-hobbit’?

William Troll: Can we cook him??

Tom Troll: We can try!

Bert Troll: He wouldn’t make more than a mouthful. Not when he’s skinned and boned!

William Troll: Perhaps there’s more burglar-hobbits ’round these parts, might be enough for a pie! Grab him!

Tom Troll: He’s too quick!

William Troll: Oah, come here! you little…

William Troll: Gotcha! Are there any more of you little fellas hiding where you shouldn’t?

Bilbo: No.

Tom Troll: He’s lying!

Bilbo: I’m not!

Tom Troll: Hold his toes over the fire. Make him squeal!

(Kili rushes in and slashes one of the trolls' legs

Kili: Drop him!

William Troll: You what?

Kili: I said, drop him. (The trolls toss Bilbo to Kili, who promptly catches the Hobbit, but both of them fall onto the ground) Bilbo!

Thorin: No! (pulls Kili back to prevent him from getting hurt or Bilbo killed)

William Troll: Lay down your arms! Or we’ll rip his off! Don’t bother cooking ’em! Let’s just sit on 'em and squash ’em into jelly!

Bert Troll: They should be sauteed and grilled with a sprinkle of sage.

Tom Troll: Oh, that does sound quite nice.

William Troll: Never mind the seasoning, we ain’t got all night! Dawn ain’t far away, let’s get a move on! I don’t fancy been turned to stone.

Bilbo: Wait! You are making a terrible mistake.

Dori: You can’t reason with them, they’re half-wits!

Bofur: Half-wits? What does that make us?

Bilbo: I meant with the…uh, with the…with the seasoning.

Bert Troll: What about the seasoning?

Bilbo: Well, have you smelt them? You’re gonna need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up!

William Troll: What do you know about cooking dwarf?

Bert Troll: Shut up, and let the…uh, flurgerburbur-hobbit talk.

Bilbo: Uh…the-the secret to cooking dwarf, is um…

Bert Troll: Yes? Come on.

Bilbo: It’s, uh…

Bert Troll: Tell us the secret!

Bilbo: Ye-yes, I’m telling you. The secret is…to…skin them first!

Bert Troll: Tom, get me filleting knife.

William Troll: What a load of rubbish! I’ve eaten plenty with their skins on. Scoff ’em I say, boots and all!

Tom Troll: He’s right! Nothing wrong with a bit o’ raw dwarf. Nice and crunchy.

Bilbo: Uh…not…not that one, he…he’s infected!

William Troll: You what?

Bilbo: Yeah he’s got worms in his…tubes.

Tom Troll: Ooh!

Bilbo: In-in fact, they all have. They’re infested with parasites, it’s a terrible business, I wouldn’t risk it, I really wouldn’t.

Oin: Parasites? Did he say parasites?

Kili: Yeah, we don’t have parasites! You have parasites!

[Thorin realizes that Bilbo is trying to buy them time and kicks Kili and they realize what Bilbo is doing]

Oin: I’ve got parasites as big as my arm!

Kili: Mine are the biggest parasites, I’ve got huge parasites!

Nori: We’re riddled!

Ori: Yes, I’m riddled!

Dori: Yes, we are, badly!

William Troll: What would you have us do then? Let ’em all go?

Bilbo: Well…

William Troll: You think I don’t know what you’re up to. This little ferret is taking us for fools!

Bilbo: Ferret?

Bert Troll: Fools?

(Gandalf comes from his hiding spot, with his staff in hand)

Gandalf: The dawn will take you all!

William Troll: Who’s that?

Bert Troll: No idea.

Tom Troll: Can we eat him too?

Dwalin: Ooh, get your foot out of my back!

Thorin: Where did you go to, if I may ask?

Gandalf: To look ahead.

Thorin: What brought you back?

Gandalf: Looking behind. Nasty business. Still they all are in one piece.

Thorin: No thanks to your burglar.

Gandalf: He had the nous to play for time. None of the rest of you thought of that. They must have come down from the Ettenmoors.

Thorin: Since when the mountain trolls venture this far south?

Gandalf: Oh, not for an age. Not since a darker power ruled these lands. (Thorin and Gandalf look at each other in alarm)They could not have moved in daylight.

Thorin: There must be a cave nearby.

Bofur: Oh, what’s that stench?!

Gandalf: It’s a troll hoard. Be careful what you touch.

Bofur: Seems a shame just to leave it lying around. Anyone could take it.

Gloin: Agreed. Nori, get a shovel.

Thorin: These swords were not made by any troll.

Gandalf: Nor were they made by any smith among men. These were forged in Gondolin, by the High Elves, of the First Age. You could not wish for a finer blade.

Gloin: We’re making a long-term deposit.

Thorin: Let’s get out of this foul place. Come on, let’s go. Bofur, Gloin, Nori.

Gandalf: Bilbo.

Bilbo: Hm?

Gandalf: Here. This is about your size.

Bilbo: I can’t take this.

Gandalf: The blade is of Elvish make, which means it will glow blue when orcs or goblins are nearby.

Bilbo: I have…I have never used a sword in my life.

Gandalf: And I hope you never have to. But if you do, remember this: true courage is about knowing not when to take a life, but when to spare one.

Thorin: Something’s coming!

Bilbo: Gandalf.

Gandalf: Stay together! Hurry, now! Arm yourselves!

Radagast: Thieves! Fire! Murder!

Gandalf: Radagast. It’s Radagast the Brown!

Gandalf: What on earth are you doing here?

Radagast: I was looking for you, Gandalf. Something’s wrong. Something’s terribly wrong.

Gandalf: Yes?

Radagast: Just give me a minute. Um…Oh! I had a thought and now I’ve lost it. It was…it was was right there, on the tip of my tongue! Oh! It’s not a thought at all! It’s a silly old… stick insect. (Gandalf removes the stick bug from Radagast's mouth, earning disturbed looks from Bilbo, Fili and Oin)

Radagast: The Greenwood is sick, Gandalf. A darkness has fallen over it. Nothing grows any more, at least nothing good. The air is foul with decay. But worst are the webs.”

Gandalf: Webs? What do you mean?”

Radagast: Spiders, Gandalf. Giant ones. Some kind of spawn of Ungoliant, or I am not a Wizard. I followed their trail. They came from Dol Guldur.”

Gandalf: Dol Guldur? But the old fortress is abandoned.”

Radagast: No, Gandalf, it is not. A dark power dwells in there... ...such as I have never felt before. It is the shadow of an ancient horror. One that can summon the spirits... ...of the dead. I saw him, Gandalf. From out of the darkness... ...a Necromancer has come. Radagast. Quick! Quick, quick! Quick, quick! Wait for me! Sorry.

Gandalf: Try a little old Toby. It’ll help setting your nerves. In, and out. Now, the Necromancer. Are you sure?

Radagast: That is not from the world of the living.

Bilbo: Was that a wolf? Are there…are there wolves out there?

Bofur: Wolves? No, that is not a wolf.

Thorin: Warg scouts! Which means an orc pack is not far behind!

Bilbo: Orc pack?

Gandalf: Who did you tell about your quest, beyond your kin?

Thorin: No one.

Gandalf: Who did you tell?!

Thorin: No one, I swear! What in Durin’s name is going on?

Gandalf: You are being hunted.

Dwalin: We have to get out of here.

Ori: We can’t! We have no ponies. They bolted.

Radagast: I’ll draw them off.

Gandalf: These are Gundabad wargs. They will outrun you!

Radagast: These are Rhosgobel rabbits. I’d like to see them try.

Radagast: Come and get me!

Gandalf: Come on! Stay together.

Thorin: Move! (pulls ri back before the orcs see them) Ori, no! Come back.

Gandalf: All of you, come on, come on! Quick!

Thorin: Where are you leading us?

Hunter Orc: The Dwarf-scum are over there! After them!

Gandalf: Move! Run!

Gloin: There they are!

Gandalf: This way! Quickly!

Kili: There’s more coming!

Thorin: Kili! Shoot them!

Fili: We’re surrounded!

[Kili shoots one of the orcs with his bow]

Fili: Where’s Gandalf?

Dwalin: He’s abandoned us!

Thorin: Hold your ground!

Gandalf: This way, you fools!

Thorin: Come on, move! Quickly! All of you! Go, go, go!

[the dwarves all start jumping inside the underground tunnel and Gandalf counts the dwarves]

Gandalf: …nine, ten…

Thorin: Kili! Run! Elves.

Dwalin: I cannot see where the pathway leads. Do we follow it or not?

Bofur: We follow it, of course!

Gandalf: I think that would be wise. The Valley of Imladris. In the common tongue, it’s known by another name.

Bilbo: Rivendell.

Gandalf: Here lies the last homely house, east of the sea.

Thorin: This was your plan all along, to seek refuge with our enemy.

Gandalf: You have no enemies here, Thorin Oakenshield. The only ill-will to be found in this valley is that which you bring yourself.

Thorin: You think the Elves will give our quest their blessing? They will try to stop us.

Gandalf: Of course, they will. But we have questions that need to be answered. If we are to be successful this will need to be handled with tact, and respect, and no small degree of charm, which is why you will leave the talking to me.

[they start making their way towards Rivendell]

[as they enter Rivendell they are met by some elves]

Lindir: Mithrandir.

Gandalf: Ah, Lindir.

Thorin: (whispers to Dwalin) Stay sharp.

[Lindir starts speaking in Elvish to Gandalf]

Lindir: [subtitled] We heard you had crossed into the Valley.

Gandalf: I must speak with Lord Elrond.

Lindir: My Lord Elrond is not here.

Gandalf: Not here? Where is he?

[they hear the hunting horn and turn to see the returning elf war party]

Thorin: Close ranks!

[the elf war party surround the dwarves, we see Elrond is with the war party]

Elrond: Gandalf!

Gandalf: Lord Elrond.

[Gandalf greets Elrond in Elvish]

Gandalf: [subtitled] My friend! Where have you been?

Elrond: [subtitled] We’ve been hunting a pack of Orcs that came up from the South. We slew a number near the Hidden Pass.

[Elrond gets off his horse and embraces Gandalf]

Elrond: Strange for orcs to come so close to our borders. Something or someone has drawn them near.

Gandalf: Ah, that may have been us.

(Thorin shows himself to Elrond, who gives him something of a genuine smile.)

Elrond: Welcome, Thorin, son of Thrain.

Thorin: I do not believe we have met.

Elrond: You have your grandfather's bearing. I knew Thror when he ruled Under the Mountain.

Thorin: Indeed? He made no mention of you.

(Elrond speaks in Elvish, to which Gloin takes offense to.)

Gloin: What is he saying? Does he offer us insult?

Gandalf: No, Master Gloin, he's offering you food.

(The dwarves talk amongst themselves before they all look at Elrond)

Gloin: Well, in that case, lead on.

Dwarf: Hey. Come on.

Dori: (pressuring his brother to eat green leaf) Try it. Just a mouthful.

Ori: I don't like green food.

Nori: Where's the meat?

Ori: Have they got any chips?

Gandalf: Kind of you to invite us. Not really dressed for dinner.

Elrond: Well, you never are.

(Kili notices a girl elf and winks at her, but Dwalin is eyeing him.

Kili: Can't say I fancy Elf maids myself. Too thin. They're all high cheekbones and creamy skin. Not enough facial hair for me. Although... That one there's not bad."

Dwalin: That's not an elf maid.

Elrond: (expecting both Glamdring and Orcrist) This is Orcrist, the Goblin-cleaver. A famous blade forged by the High Elves of the West, my kin. May it serve you well. And this is Glamdring, the Foehammer. Sword of the King of Gondolin. These were made for the Goblin Wars of the First Age.

(Bilbo wonders about his own sword, looking down at it. Balin notices the hobbit's plight.)

Balin: I wouldn't bother, laddie. Swords are named for the great deeds they do in war.

Bilbo: What are you saying, my sword hasn't seen battle?

Balin (in a regrettable voice): I'm not actually sure it is a sword. More of a letter opener, really.

Elrond: How did you come by these?

Gandalf: We found them in a Troll-hoard

on the Great East Road...

...shortly before we were

ambushed by Orcs.

Elrond: And what were you doing

on the Great East Road?

Thorin Oakenshield: Excuse me.

Elrond: "Thirteen Dwarves and a Halfling. Hm. Strange traveling companions, Gandalf."

Gandalf, during Nori and Bombur misbehave: "These are the descendants of the house of Durin. They're noble, decent folk. And they're surprisingly cultured. They've got a deep love of the arts."

Nori: "Change the tune, why don't you? I feel like I'm at a funeral."

Oin: "Did somebody die?"

Bofur: "All right, lads. There's only one thing for it. There's an inn, there's an inn.

There's a merry old inn
Beneath an old gray hill
The rest begin singing:
And there they brew a beer so brown
The Man in the Moon
Himself came down

One night
To drink his fill
- Oh -

The ostler has a tipsy cat
That played a five-stringed fiddle
And up and down he saws his bow

Now squeaking high
Now purring low
Now sawing in the middle
- So -

The cat on the fiddle
Played hey-diddle-diddle
A drink that'll wake the dead
He squeaked and he sawed

And he quickened
The tune
And the landlord
Shook the Man
In the Moon
'it's after Three!' he said.

(Thorin, Bilbo, Balin, Elrond, and Gandalf are in Rivendell Library, but THorin is refusing for Elrond to see the map.)

Thorin: (stubbornly) Our business is no concern of Elves.

Gandalf: For goodness sake, Thorin, show him the map.

Thorin Oakenshield: It is the legacy of my people. It is mine to protect, as are its secrets.

Gandalf: Save me from the stubbornness of Dwarves. Your pride will be your downfall. You stand in the presence of one of the few in Middle-earth... ...who can read that map. Show it to Lord Elrond.

(Bilbo looks between them, obviously annoyed by how this conversation went down. Thorin contemplates for a moment before giving the map to Elrond.

Balin: Thorin, no. (Thorin hands the map over to Elrond, despite Thorin's protests).

Elrond: Erebor. What is your interest in this map?

Gandalf: It's mainly academic. As you know, this sort of artifact sometimes contains hidden text. You still read ancient Dwarvish, do you not? Moon runes? Of course. (Bilbo looks at her.) An easy thing to miss.

Elrond: Well, in this case, that is true. Moon runes can only be read by the light of a moon... ...of the same shape and season as the day on which they were written.

Thorin: Can you read them?

Elrond: These runes were written on a Midsummer's Eve by the light of a crescent moon nearly 200 years ago. It would seem you were meant to come to Rivendell. Fate is with you, Thorin Oakenshield. The same moon shines upon us tonight. (reads the map) "Stand by the gray stone when the thrush knocks and the setting sun with the last light of Durin's Day will shine upon the keyhole."

Bilbo: (confused; to Balin) Durin's Day?

Gandalf: It is the start of the Dwarves' new year, when the last moon of autumn, and the first sun of winter appear in the sky together.

Thorin: (after thinking this through) This is ill news. Summer is passing. Durin's Day will soon be upon us.

Balin: We still have time.

Bilbo: Time? For what?

Balin: To find the entrance. We have to be standing in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Then, and only then, can the door be opened.

Elrond: So this is your purpose, to enter the mountain?

Thorin: What of it?

Elrond: There are some who would not deem it wise.

Gandalf: What do you mean?

Elrond: You are not the only guardian to stand watch over Middle-earth.

(Dol Guldur)

(Bilbo goes on through Rivendell without his companions and stands on the balcony of his guest chambers. Elrond comes up next to him, surprising Bilbo completely.)

Elrond: Not with your companions?

Bilbo: No, I shan't be missed. The truth is that most of them don't think I should be on this journey."

Elrond: Indeed? I've heard that Hobbits are very resilient.

Bilbo: Really?

Elrond: I've also heard they're fond of the comforts of home.

Bilbo: (looks around and whispers) I've heard that it's unwise to seek the council of Elves. That they will only answer with 'Yes' and 'No'.

(Elrond looks down at Bilbo with an unreadable expression as Bilbo dons on an insecure one. However, Elrond smiles. Bilbo looks at him, giving a small laugh)

Elrond (places hand on his shoulder): You are very welcome to stay here, if that is your wish.

Lindir (Elvish, subtitled): "The kitchen's under enormous strain, we are almost out of wine. How long do you think they will be with us?

Elrond (Elvish, subtitled): "That has yet to be decided.(They turn and watch the Dwarves playing in the pools naked as Elrond and Lindir look at them)

(The dwarves in their guest rooms are throwing stuff around and burning their furniture. Bofur sees his brother, Bombur sitting up there.)

Bofur: Bombur. (He tosses the food into Bombur, causing the table to break underneath them. Everyone laughs. Bilbo continues walking through Rivendell.)

Gandalf: Of course I was going to tell you. I was waiting for this very chance.

(After approaching the steps, Bilbo catches the conversation between Elrond and Gandalf and can't help but listen.)

Gandalf: (continued) And really, I think you can trust that I know what I am doing.

Elrond: Do you? That dragon has slept for 60 years. What will happen if your plan should fail, if you wake that beast?"

Gandalf: "What if we succeed? If the Dwarves take back the mountain our defenses in the east will be strengthened."

Elrond: It is a dangerous move, Gandalf.

(Bilbo looks to see Thorin behind him. However, the dwarf king looks at him, that just tells him to listen and not say another word. They continue listening.)

Gandalf: It is also dangerous to do nothing. Oh, come, the throne of Erebor is Thorin's birthright. What is it you fear?

Elrond: Have you forgotten? A strain of madness runs deep in that family. His grandfather lost his mind. His father succumbed to the same sickness. Can you swear Thorin Oakenshield will not also fall? (as Gandalf speaks, Thorin looks troubled as Bilbo looks at them with an understanding of Thorin more than he ever did. ) Gandalf, these decisions do not rest with us alone. It is not up to you or me to redraw the map of Middle-earth.

Gandalf: With or without our help, these Dwarves will march on the mountain. They're determined to reclaim their homeland. I do not believe Thorin Oakenshield feels that he is answerable to anyone. Nor, for that matter, am I.

Elrond: (looks at Gandalf) It is not me you must answer to. (Gandalf looks to see Lady Galadriel there.)

Gandalf: Lady Galadriel.

Galadriel: Mithrandir. It has been a long time.

Gandalf: (in elvish) Age may have changed me, but not so the Lady of Lorien.

(Galadriel smiles.)

Gandalf: I had no idea Lord Elrond had sent for you. (A voice sounds out of the darkness.)

Saruman: He didn’t. I did.

(Gandalf turns and sees Saruman the White; he bows to him.)

Gandalf: Saruman.

Saruman: You’ve been busy of late, my friend.

(The White Council, composed of Saruman, Elrond, Galadriel, and Gandalf, are in the pavilion. Gandalf and Saruman sit at a table; Elrond and Galadriel stand or walk about. Dawn is slowly breaking.)

Saruman: Tell me, Gandalf, did you think these plans and schemes of yours would go unnoticed?

Gandalf: Unnoticed? No, I’m simply doing what I feel to be right.

Galadriel: The dragon has long been on your mind.

Gandalf: This is true, my lady. Smaug owes allegiance to no one. But if he should side with the enemy, a dragon could be used to terrible effect.

Saruman: What enemy? Gandalf, the enemy is defeated. Sauron is vanquished. He can never regain his full strength.

Elrond: Gandalf, for four hundred years, we have lived in peace. A hardwon, watchful peace.

Gandalf: Are we? Are we at peace? Trolls have come down from the mountains. They are raiding villages, destroying farms. Orcs have attacked us on the road.

Elrond: Hardly a prelude to war.

Saruman: Always you must meddle, looking for trouble where none exists.

Galadriel: Let him speak.

Gandalf: There is something at work beyond the evil of Smaug. Something far more powerful. We can remain blind, but it will not be ignoring us, that I can promise you. A sickness lies over the Greenwood. The woodsmen who live there now call it ‘Mirkwood’. and they say...

Saruman: Well, don’t stop now. Tell us about the woodsmen say.

Gandalf: They speak of a Necromancer living in Dol Guldur, a sorcerer who can summon the dead.

Saruman: That’s absurd. No such power exists in the world. This...Necromancer is nothing more than a mortal man. A conjurer dabbling in black magic.

Gandalf: And so I thought too. But, Radagast has seen

Saruman: Radagast? Do not speak to me about Radagast the Brown. He is a foolish fellow.

Gandalf: Well, he’s odd, I grant you. He lives a solitary life.

Saruman: It’s not that. It’s his excessive consumption of mushrooms. They’ve addled his brain and yellowed his teeth. I warned him, it is unbefitting of the Istari to be wander in the woods... (Saruman’s voice fades away as Galadriel focuses on Gandalf, and speaks to him in his mind.)

Galadriel( telepathically): You carry something. It came to you from Radagast. He found it in Dol Guldur.

Gandalf, telepathically: Yes.

Galadriel( telepathically): Show me.

(Gandalf lifts Radagast’s package, which he had in his lap, and places it on the table. It lets out a dull thud.)

Saruman: …or I’d think I was talking to myself…

Elrond:) What is that?

Galadriel: A relic of Mordor.

(Elrond, who was reaching out to unwrap the package, draws his hand back. He then reaches for it again and opens it, revealing the sword Radagast took from the spirit in Dol Guldur. The White Council members look upon it in shock.) (Elrond:) A Morgul blade.

Galadriel: Made for the Witchking of Angmar, and buried with him. When Angmar fell, men of the North took his body and all that he possessed and sealed it within the HighFells of Rhudaur. Deep within the rock they buried them, in a tomb so dark it would never come to light.

Elrond: This is not possible. A powerful spells lies upon those tombs; they cannot be opened.

Saruman: What proof do we have this weapon came from Angmar’s grave?

Gandalf: I have none.

Saruman: Because there is none. Let us examine what we know. A single Orc pack has dared to cross the Bruinen. A dagger from a bygone age has been found. And a human sorcerer, who calls himself the Necromancer, has taken up residence in a ruined fortress. It’s not so very much, after all. The question of this dwarvish company, however, troubles me deeply. I’m not convinced, Gandalf; I do not feel I can condone such a quest. If they’d come to me, I might have spared them this disappointment. I do not pretend to understand your reasons for raising their hopes…

(Saruman’s voice fades away as Galadriel again focuses on Gandalf. She speaks to him telepathically.)

Galadriel( telepathically): They are leaving.

(Gandalf, telepathically:) Yes.

Galadriel( telepathically): You knew.

Saruman: …I am afraid there is nothing else for it.

(Gandalf nods. Galadriel smiles slightly. A step is heard, and they all turn around; Lindir come up and bows.)

Lindir: My Lord Elrond; the dwarves, they’ve gone.

(Thorin and company are seen making their way up the path they came. However, Bilbo is the one who hesitates, and is looking back at Rivendell.)

Thorin: (to the company) Be on your guard. We're about to step over the Edge of the Wild. Balin, you know these paths. Lead on.

Balin: Aye.

Thorin: (notices Bilbo is lagging behind)Master Baggins. (Bilbo looks to him.) I suggest you keep up.

(Bilbo looks at the city one more time before turning around for the road ahead).

Galadriel:You will follow them.

Gandalf: Yes.

Galadriel:You are right to help Thorin Oakenshield. But I fear this quest has set in motion... ...forces we do not yet understand. The riddle of the Morgul Blade must be answered. Something moves in the shadows unseen, hidden from our sight. It will not show itself. Not yet. But every day it grows in strength. You must be careful. Mithrandir? Why the Halfling?

Gandalf: I do not know. Saruman believes that it is only great power... ...that can hold evil in check. But that is not what I have found. I have found it is the small things... ...everyday deeds of ordinary folk... ...that keeps the darkness at bay. Simple acts of kindness and love. Why Bilbo Baggins? Perhaps it is because I'm afraid... ...and he gives me courage.

Galadriel: Do not be afraid, Mithrandir. You are not alone.

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Older Bilbo Baggins:My dear Frodo:You asked me once if I had told you everything there was to know about my adventures. And while I can honestly say I have told you the truth I may not have told you all of it. I am old now, Frodo. I'm not the same Hobbit I once was. I think it is time for you to know what really happened. It began long ago in a land far away to the east the like of which you will not find in the world today. There was the city of Dale. Its markets known far and wide. Full of the bounties of vine and vale. Peaceful and prosperous. For this city lay before the doors of the greatest kingdom in Middle-earth: Erebor. Stronghold of Thror, King Under the Mountain. Mightiest of the Dwarf Lords. Thror ruled with utter surety never doubting his house would endure for his line lay secure in the lives of his son and grandson.

Ah, Frodo. Erebor. Built deep within the mountain itself the beauty of this fortress city was legend. Its wealth lay in the earth in precious gems hewn from rock and in great seams of gold running like rivers through stone. The skill of the Dwarves was unequaled fashioning objects of great beauty out of diamond, emerald, ruby and sapphire. Ever they delved deeper, down into the dark. And that is where they found it. The Heart of the Mountain. The Arkenstone. Thror named it "The King's Jewel." He took it as a sign, a sign that his right to rule was divine. All would pay homage to him. Even the great Elven King, Thranduil. As the great wealth of the Dwarves grew their store of good will ran thin. No one knows exactly what began the rift. The Elves say the Dwarves stole their treasure. The Dwarves tell another tale. They say the Elf King refused to give them their rightful pay.

It is sad, Frodo, how old alliances can be broken. How friendships between peoples can be lost. And for what? But the years of peace and plenty were not to last. Slowly the days turned sour and the watchful nights closed in. Thror's love of gold had grown too fierce. A sickness had begun to grow within him. It was a sickness of the mind. And where sickness thrives bad things will follow. The first they heard was a noise like a hurricane coming down from the North. The pines on the mountain creaked and cracked in the hot, dry wind.

Young Thorin Oakenshield:Balin, sound the alarm. Call out the guard. Do it now!

Younger Balin:What is it?

Young Thorin Oakenshield: Dragon. Dragon!

Old Bilbo Baggins: He was a firedrake from the North. Smaug had come. Such wanton death was dealt that day. For this city of Men was nothing to Smaug. His eye was set on another prize. For dragons covet gold with a dark and fierce desire. For a dragon will guard his plunder as long as he lives.

Young Thorin Oakenshield: Run for your lives! Ah! Help us!

Old Bilbo Baggins: Thranduil would not risk the lives of his kin against the wrath of the dragon. No help came from the Elves that day nor any day since. Robbed of their homeland, the Dwarves of Erebor wandered the wilderness a once mighty people brought low. The young Dwarf prince took work where he could find it laboring in the villages of Men. But always he remembered the mountain smoke beneath the moon the trees like torches blazing bright. For he had seen dragon fire in the sky and a city turned to ash. And he never forgave and he never forgot.

That, my dear Frodo, is where I come in. For, quite by chance, and the will of a Wizard fate decided I would become part of this tale. It began... Well, it began as you might expect. In a hole in the ground there lived a Hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole full of worms and oozy smells. This was a Hobbit hole. And that means good food, a warm hearth and all the comforts of home. Thank you.

Old Bilbo: Thank you.

Frodo: What’s this?

Old Bilbo: That is private. Keep your sticky paws off!

Old Bilbo: It’s not ready yet.

Frodo: Not ready for what?

Old Bilbo: Reading.

Old Bilbo: What on earth are these?

Frodo: Replies to the party invitations.

Old Bilbo: Ah! Good gracious! Is it today?

Frodo: They all say they’re coming, except for the Sackville-Bagginses, who are demanding you ask them in person.

Old Bilbo: Are they, indeed. Over my dead body.

Frodo: They’d probably find that quite agreeable. They seem to think you have tunnels overflowing with gold.

Old Bilbo: It was one small chest, hardly overflowing. And it still smells of troll.

Frodo: What on earth are you doing?

Old Bilbo: Taking precautions. You know I caught her making off with the silverware once.

Frodo: Who?

Old Bilbo: Lobelia Sackville-Baggins. She had all my spoons stuffed in her pockets. Dreadful woman. Make sure you keep an eye on her after I’m… When I’m…when…

Frodo: When you’re…what?

Old Bilbo: It’s nothing. Nothing.

Frodo: You know, some people are beginning to wonder about you, uncle.

Old Bilbo: Hmm?

Frodo: They think you’re becoming odd.

Old Bilbo: Odd?

Frodo: Well, unsociable.

Old Bilbo: Unsociable, me? Nonsense. Be a good lad and put that on the gate.

Frodo: Do you think he’ll come?

Old Bilbo: Who?

Frodo: Gandalf.

Old Bilbo: Oh, he wouldn’t miss a chance to let off his whiz poppers. He’ll give us quite a show, you’ll see.

Frodo: Right then. I am off.

Old Bilbo: Off to where?

Frodo: Eastfarthing woods. I’m going to surprise him.

Old Bilbo: Well, go on then. You don’t want to be late. [voice over] He doesn’t approve being late. Not that I ever was. In those days, I was always on time. I was entirely respectable, and nothing unexpected…ever happened.

Scene 2: Bilbo meeting Gandalf

Bilbo Baggins: Good morning.
Gandalf: What do you mean? Do you wish me a good morning or do you mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not? Or perhaps you mean to say that you feel good on this particular morning? Or are you simply stating that this is a morning to be good on? Hm?
Bilbo Baggins: All of them at once, I suppose.
Gandalf: Hmm.
Bilbo Baggins: Can I help you?
Gandalf: That remains to be seen. I'm looking for someone to share in an adventure.
Bilbo Baggins: An adventure? No, I don't imagine anyone west of Bree would have much interest in adventures. Nasty, disturbing, uncomfortable things. Make you late for dinner. Heh, heh. Mm. Huh. Hmm. Oh. Ah. Good morning.
Gandalf: To think that I should have lived to be "good morninged" by Belladonna Took's son as if I were selling buttons at the door.
Bilbo Baggins: Beg your pardon?
Gandalf: You've changed, and not entirely for the better, Bilbo Baggins.
Bilbo Baggins: I'm sorry, do I know you?
Gandalf: Well, you know my name, although you don't remember I belong to it. I'm Gandalf. And Gandalf means... ...me.
Bilbo Baggins: Gandalf? Not Gandalf the wandering Wizard... ...who made such excellent fireworks? Old Took used to have them on Midsummer's Eve. Heh, heh. Ahem. No idea you were still in business.
Gandalf: And where else should I be?
Bilbo Baggins: Where else...? Ahem.
Gandalf: Well, I'm pleased to find you remember something about me... ...even if it's only my fireworks. Yes. Well, that's decided. It'll be very good for you (Bilbo looks at Gandalf confused) and most amusing for me. I shall inform the others.
Bilbo Baggins: Inform the who? What? No. No. No... Wait. We do not want any adventures here, thank you. Not today. Not... I suggest you try Over the Hill or Across the Water. Good morning.

Farmer(Mr. Worrywort): "Hello, Mr. Bilbo. Here. Have a feel of me tubers. Nice and firm, they are. Just come in from West Farthing."
Bilbo Baggins: "Very impressive, Mr. Worrywort. Now, I don't suppose you've seen a Wizard lurking around these parts?"
Mr. Worrywort: "A tall fellow? Long, gray beard? Pointy hat...? Can't say I have."

Bilbo is about to eat, but the doorbell rings before he begins to.

Dwalin: Dwalin, at your service.

Bilbo Baggins: Hm. Uh... Bilbo Baggins, at yours. Do we know each other?

Dwalin: No. Which way, laddie? Is it down here?

Bilbo Baggins: Is what down where?

Dwalin: Supper. He said there'd be food and lots of it.

Bilbo Baggins: He... He said? Who said?

Dwalin: Mmm. Mmm. Very good, this. Any more?

Bilbo Baggins: What? Oh, yes, yes. Ah. Help yourself. Hmm. It's just that, um, I wasn't expecting company.

Dwalin: That'll be the door.

Balin: Balin, at your service.

Bilbo Baggins: Good evening.

Balin: Yes. Yes, it is. Though I think it might rain later.

Bilbo Baggins: Hm?

Balin: Am I late?

Bilbo Baggins: Late for what?

Balin: Oh! Ha, ha! Evening, brother.

Dwalin: By my beard... ...you're shorter and wider than last we met.

Balin: Wider, not shorter. Sharp enough for both of us.

Bilbo Baggins: Uh, excuse me? Sorry, I hate to interrupt. But the thing is, I'm not entirely sure you're in the right house.

Balin: Have you eaten?

Bilbo: It's not that I don't like visitors. I like visitors as much as the next Hobbit. But I do like to know them before they come "visiting".

Dwalin: What is this?

Balin: I don't know. I think it's cheese. Gone blue.

Dwalin:It's riddled with mold.

Bilbo:The thing is, I don't know either of you. Not in the slightest. I don't mean to be blunt, but I had to speak my mind. I'm sorry.

Balin: You think...? Apology accepted.Now, fill it up, brother, don't stint.

Dwalin: You wanna get stuck in?

Balin: I could eat again if you insist, brother.

Fili: Fili.

Kili: And Kili.

Fili and Kili: At your service.

Kili: You must be Mr. Baggins.

Bilbo: No! You can’t come in, you’ve come to the wrong house.

Kili: What?! Has it been canceled?

Fili: No one told us.

Bilbo: Can…! No, nothing’s been canceled.

Kili: That’s a relief.

Fili: Careful with these, I just had them sharpened.

Kili: It’s nice, this place. Did you do it yourself?

Bilbo: Uh…no, it’s been in the family for years. That’s my mother’s glory box, can you please not do that?

Dwalin: Fili, Kili, come on, give us a hand.

Kili: Mr. Dwalin.

Balin: Let’s shove this in the hole, or otherwise we’ll never get everyone in.

Bilbo: Ev…everyone?! How many more are there? Oh, no! No, no. There’s nobody home! Go away, and bother somebody else! There’s far too many dwarves in my dining room as it is. If…if this is some blockhead’s idea of a joke, I can only say, it is in very poor taste!

One of the Dwarves: Get off, you big lump!

[Gandalf pokes his head through the door]

Bilbo: Gandalf.

Bilbo: Those are my… Excuse me, not my wine! Put that back. Put that back! Not the jam, please. Excuse me. Ex…Excuse me. A tad excessive, isn’t it? Have you got a cheese knife?

Bofur: A cheese knife? He eats it by the block.

Bilbo: No no, that’s Grandpa Mungo’s chair, no…uh, so is that. Take it back, please. Take it back, this is antique, not for sitting on. Thank you. That is a book, not a coaster. Uh…put that map down.

Dori: Excuse me, Mr. Gandalf.

Gandalf: Yes?

Dori: May I tempt you with a cup of chamomile?

Gandalf: Ooh, no thank you, Dori. A little red wine, for me I think.

Gandalf: Uh..Fili, Kili. Uh…Oin, Gloin. Dwalin, Balin. Bifur, Bofur, Bombur. Dori, Nori.

Bilbo: No, no. Not my prize winners, thank you.

Gandalf: Ori!

Gandalf: Yes, you are quite right, Bifur. We appear to be one dwarf short.

Dwalin: He is late, is all. He traveled north to a meeting of our kin, he will come.

Dori: Mr. Gandalf?

Gandalf: Hmm?

Dori: A little glass of red wine as requested, it’s got a fruity bouquet.

Gandalf: Oh, cheers.

Fili: Who wants an ale? There you go.

Oin: Let me have another drink.

Balin: Here you go.

Bofur: Hey, on the count of three! One! Two! Come!

Bilbo: Ex…excuse me, that is a doily, not a dish cloth.

Bofur: But it’s full of holes!

Bilbo: It’s supposed to look like that, it’s crochet.

Bofur: Oh, and a wonderful game it is too, if you got the balls for it.

Bilbo: Bebother and confusticate these dwarves!

Gandalf: My dear Bilbo, what on earth is the matter?

Bilbo: What’s the matter? I am surrounded by dwarves. What they’re doing here?

Gandalf: Oh, they’re quite a merry gathering, once you get used to them.

Bilbo: I don’t want to get used to them. Look at the state of my kitchen! There’s mud trod in the carpet, they…they’ve pillaged the pantry! I’m not even gonna tell you what they’ve done in the bathroom, they’ve all but destroyed the plumbing! I don’t understand what they’re doing in my house!

Ori: Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt. But what should do with my plate?

Fili: Here you go, Ori, give it to me.

Bilbo: Excuse me! That’s my mother’s Westfarthing pottery, it’s over a hundred years old! And…and, ca…can you not do that, you’ll blunt them!

Bofur: Ooh, d’you hear that, lads? He says we’ll blunt the knives!

Kili: Blunt the knives, bend the forks

Fili: Smash the bottles and bum the corks

Other Dwarves join in:

Chip the glasses and crack the plates
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates
Cut the cloth, tread on the fat
Leave the bones on the bedroom mat
Pour the milk on the pantry floor
Splash the wine on every door
Dump the crooks in a boiling bowl
Pound them up with a thumping pole
When you're finished, if they are whole
Send them down the hall to roll
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates

Gandalf: He is here.

Thorin: Gandalf. I thought you said this place would be easy to find. I lost my way, twice. I wouldn't have found it at all had it not been for that mark on the door.

Bilbo: Mark? There's no mark on that door. It was painted a week ago.

Gandalf: There is a mark. I put it there myself. Bilbo Baggins, allow me to introduce the leader of our company: Thorin Oakenshield.

Thorin: So... ...this is the Hobbit. Tell me, Mr. Baggins, have you done much fighting?

Bilbo Baggins: Pardon me?

Thorin: Ax or sword? What's your weapon of choice?

Bilbo Baggins: Well, I do have some skill at conkers, if you must know... ...but I fail to see why that's relevant.

Thorin: Thought as much. He looks more like a grocer than a burglar.

Balin:What news from the meeting in Ered Luin? Did they all come?

Thorin Oakenshield:Aye, envoys from all seven kingdoms.

Dwalin: And what did the dwarves of the Iron Hill say? Is Dain with us?

Thorin Oakenshield:They will not come. They say this quest is ours, and ours alone.

Bilbo: You’re doing a quest?

Gandalf: Bilbo, my dear fellow, let us have a little more light. Far to the East, over ranges and rivers, beyond woodlands and wastelands, lies a single solitary peak.

Bilbo: The Lonely Mountain.

Glóin:Aye, Oin has read the portents, and the portents say: it is time.

Óin:Ravens have been seen flying back to the mountain as it was foretold. When the birds of the old return to Erebor, the reign of the beast will end.

Bilbo: Uh…what beast?

Bofur: Well that would be a reference to Smaug the terrible, chiefest and greatest calamity of our age. Airborne fire breather, teeth like razors, claws like meat hooks, extremely fond of precious metals.

Bilbo: Yes, I know what a dragon is.

Ori: I’m not afraid, I’m up for it. I’ll give him a taste of the dwarfish iron right up his jacksy!

Glóin:Good lad, Ori!

Dori: Sit down!

Balin: The task would be difficult enough with an army behind us, but we number just thirteen, and not thirteen of the best, nor brightest.

Ori: Hey! Who are you calling dim?

Óin:Sorry, what did he say?

Fili: We may be few in number. But we’re fighters, all of us! To the last dwarf!

Kili: And you forget we have a wizard in our company, Gandalf will have killed hundreds of dragons in his time.

Gandalf: Oh, well. No, uh, I…I wouldn’t say…

Dori: How many then?

Gandalf: What?

Dori: Well, how many dragons have you killed? Go on, give us a number!

Bilbo: Uh…Please. Please.

Thorin Oakenshield:Enough! If we have read these signs, do you not think others will have read them too? Rumors have begun to spread. The dragon Smaug has not been seen for sixty years. Eyes look East to the mountain, assessing, wondering, weighing the risk. Perhaps the vast wealth of our people now lies unprotected. Do we sit back while others claim what is rightfully ours? Or do we seize this chance to take back Erebor?

Balin:You forget, the Front Gate is sealed. (Thorin sits back down.) There is no way into the mountain.

Gandalf: That, my dear Balin, is not entirely true. (produces a key and Thorin recognizes it)

Thorin Oakenshield:How come you by this?

Gandalf: It was given to me by your father. By Thrain. For safekeeping. It is yours now. (hands Thorin the key, who clutches onto it hard)

Fili: If there is a key, there must be a door.

Gandalf: (nods to affirm Fili's assumption) These runes speak of a hidden passage to the Lower Halls.

Kili: There's another way in.

Gandalf: Well, if we can find it, but Dwarf doors are invisible when closed. The answer lies hidden somewhere in this map...and I do not have the skill to find it. But there are others in Middle-earth who can. The task I have in mind will require a great deal of stealth... ...and no small amount of courage. But if we are careful and clever, I believe that it can be done.

Ori: That's why we need a burglar.

Bilbo: Hmm. And a good one too. An expert, I'd imagine.

Óin:And are you?

Bilbo: (looks behind him and notices that the dwarves are talking to him) (confused) Am I what?

Óin:He said he's an expert. Hey.

Bilbo Baggins: Me? No. No, no, no. I'm not a burglar.

I've never stolen a thing in my life.

Balin:Well, I'm afraid I have to agree with Mr. Baggins. He's hardly burglar material.

Bilbo Baggins: Nope.

Dwalin: Aye, the Wild is no place for gentle folk who can neither fight nor fend for themselves.

Gandalf: Enough! If I say Bilbo Baggins is a burglar, then a burglar he is. Hobbits are remarkably light on their feet. In fact, they can pass unseen by most, if they choose. And, while the dragon is accustomed to the smell of Dwarf... ...the scent of a Hobbit is all but unknown to him... ...which gives us a distinct advantage. You asked me to find the 14th member of this company and I have chosen Mr. Baggins. There's a lot more to him than appearances suggest. And he's got a great deal more to offer than any of you know. Including himself. You must trust me on this.

(Gandalf looks at Thorin, who reluctantly agrees with the wizard for once).

Thorin Oakenshield: Very well. We will do it your way. Give him the contract.

Glóin:We're in. We're off.

Bilbo: Please.

Balin:It’s just the usual summary of out-of-pocket expenses, time required, remuneration, funeral arrangements, so forth.

Bilbo: Funeral arrangements? (opens the contract and realizes how long it is) Ooh.

Thorin Oakenshield:I cannot guarantee his safety.

Gandalf: Understood.

Thorin Oakenshield:Nor will I be responsible for his fate.

Gandalf: Agreed.

Bilbo: [to himself] ‘Total’s cash on delivery, up to but not exceeding, one fourteenth of total profit if any.’ Seems fair. Uh…’The present company shall not be liable for injuries inflicted by or sustained as a consequence thereof, including, but not limited to…lacerations. Evisceration. (looks to the dwarves) Incineration?

Bofur: Oh, aye, he’ll melt the flesh off your bones in the blink of an eye.

Balin:You alright, laddie?

Bilbo: Huh? Yeah, I fe…I feel a bit faint.

Bofur: Think furnace, with wings.

Bilbo: I…I…I need air.

Bofur: Flash of light, searing pain, then poof! You’re nothing more than a pile of ash!

Bilbo: No. (Bilbo faints)

Gandalf: (sarcastically) Oh, very helpful, Bofur.

Bilbo Baggins: I'll be all right. Just let me sit quietly for a moment.

Gandalf:You've been sitting quietly for far too long. Tell me, when did doilies and your mother's dishes... ...become so important to you? I remember a young Hobbit who was always running off in search of Elves in the woods. Who would stay out late, come home after dark... ...trailing mud and twigs and fireflies. A young Hobbit who would have liked nothing better... ...than to find out what was beyond the borders of the Shire. The world is not in your books and maps. It's out there.

Bilbo Baggins: I can't just go running off into the blue. I am a Baggins of Bag-end.

Gandalf:You are also a Took. Did you know that your great-great-great-great-uncle Bullroarer Took was so large, he could ride a real horse?

Bilbo Baggins: Yes.

Gandalf:Yes, well, he could. In the Battle of Green Fields, he charged the Goblin ranks. He swung his club so hard, it knocked the Goblin king's head clean off... ...and it sailed 100 yards through the air and went down a rabbit hole. And thus, the battle was won. And the game of golf invented at the same time.

Bilbo Baggins: I do believe you made that up.

Gandalf:Well, all good stories deserve embellishment. You'll have a tale or two to tell of your own when you come back.

Bilbo Baggins: Can you promise that I will come back?

Gandalf:No. And if you do... ...you will not be the same.

Bilbo Baggins: That's what I thought. Sorry, Gandalf, I can't sign this. You've got the wrong Hobbit.

Balin: It appears we have lost our burglar. Probably for the best. The odds were always against us. After all, what are we? Merchants, miners, tinkers, toy makers. Hardly the stuff of legend.

Thorin: There are a few warriors amongst us.

Balin: Old warriors.

Thorin: I would take each and every one of these dwarves over an army from the Iron Hills, for when I called upon them, they answered. Loyalty, honor, a willing heart. I can ask no more than that.

Balin: You don’t have to do this. You have a choice. You’ve done honorably by our people. You have built a new life for us in the Blue Mountains. A life of peace and plenty. A life that is worth more than all the gold in Erebor.

Thorin: From my grandfather to my father, this has come to me. They dreamt of the day when the dwarves of Erebor would reclaim their homeland. There is no choice, Balin. Not for me.

Balin: Then we are with you, laddie. We will see it done.

Thorin [singing] Far over the Misty Mountains cold. To dungeons deep and caverns old. We must away ere break of day. To find our long forgotten gold.

Dwarves: [singing] The pines were roaring on the height, the winds were moaning in the night. The fire was red, it flaming spread. The trees like torches blazed with light.

Bilbo: Hello!

Hobbit: Here, Mr. Bilbo! Where are you off too?

Bilbo: I can’t stop, I’m already late!

Hobbit: Late for what?

Bilbo: I’m going on an adventure!

Wait! Wait! (Everyone stops. Bilbo happily hands it over to Balin) I signed it.

Balin: Everything appears to be in order. Welcome, master Baggins, to the company of Thorin Oakenshield.

Thorin: Give him a pony.

Bilbo: No, no, no, no. That…that won’t be necessary. Thank you. I’m sure I can keep up on foot. Yeah, I…I’ve done my fair share of walking holidays, you know? Even got as far as Frog Morton once.

Oin: Come on, Nori! Pay up!

Bilbo: What’s that about?

Gandalf: Oh, they took wagers on whether or not you’d turn up. Most of them bet that you wouldn’t.

Bilbo: And what did you think?

Gandalf: Well… (catches a sack of coin) My dear fellow, I never doubted you for a second.

Bilbo: Oh, it’s horse hair. Having a reaction. Uh…wait, wait. Stop! Stop! We have to turn around.

Gandalf: What on earth is the matter?

Bilbo: I forgot my handkerchief.

Bofur: Here! Use this.

Thorin: Move on!

Gandalf: You’ll have to manage without pocket handkerchiefs, and a good many other things, Bilbo Baggins, before we reach our journey’s end. You were born to the rolling hills and little rivers of the Shire. But home is now behind you. The world is ahead.

(Bilbo cannot sleep because of Bombur's snoring. He gets up and smuggles an apple to Myrtle. He speaks to her gently. )

Bilbo Baggins: Hello, girl. Who's a good girl? (feeds her) It's our little secret, Myrtle. You must tell no one. Shh, shh. (he smiles and pets her snout but there is a shriek in the air. He looks to Fili and Kili, who are already awake) What was that?

Kili:Orcs.

Bilbo Baggins" Orcs? (Thorin wakes up in alarm but sees that Fili and Kili are teasing Bilbo).

Fili: Throat-cutters. There'll be dozens of them out there.

Kili:The lone-lands are crawling with them. They strike in the wee small hours when everyone's asleep. Quick and quiet, no screams. Just lots of blood.

(The boys laugh when Bilbo looks panicked as if it were a joke)

Thorin Oakenshield: (sternly) You think that's funny? You think a night raid by Orcs is a joke?

Kili: We didn’t mean anything by it.

Thorin Oakenshield: No you didn’t. You know nothing of the world.

Balin: Don’t mind him, laddie. Thorin has more cause than most to hate orcs. After the dragon took the Lonely Mountain... ...King Thror tried to reclaim the ancient Dwarf kingdom of Moria. But our enemy had got there first. Moria had been taken by legions of Orcs... ...led by the most vile of all their race: Azog the Defiler. The giant Gundabad Orc... ...had sworn to wipe out the line of Durin. He began... ...by beheading the king. No! Thrain, Thorin's father, was driven mad by grief. He went missing. Taken prisoner or killed... ...we did not know. We were leaderless. Defeat and death... ...were upon us. That is when I saw him. A young Dwarf prince... ...facing down the pale Orc. He stood alone against this terrible foe. His armor rent... ...wielding nothing but an oaken branch as a shield. Azog the Defiler learned that day... ...that the line of Durin would not be so easily broken. Our forces rallied... wand drove the Orcs back. And our enemy... ...had been defeated. But there was no feast... ...nor song that night... ...for our dead were beyond the count of grief. We few had survived. And I thought to myself then... ...there is one who I could follow. There is one... ...I could call king.

Bilbo Baggins: And the Pale Orc? What happened to him?

Thorin Oakenshield: He slunk back into the hole whence he came. That filth died of his wounds long ago.

Hunter Orc: Send word to the Master, we have found the Dwarf-scum.

Dori: Here, Mr. Gandalf? Can’t you do something about this deluge?

Gandalf: It is raining, master dwarf. And it will continue to rain until the rain is done! If you wish to change the weather of the world, you should find yourself another wizard.

Bilbo: Are there any?

Gandalf: What?

Bilbo: Other wizards?

Gandalf: There are five us. The greatest of our order is Saruman, The White. Then there are the two blue wizards. Do you know, I’ve quite forgotten their names.

Bilbo: And who is the fifth?

Gandalf: Well, that would be Radagast, The Brown.

Bilbo: Is he a great wizard or is he…more like you?

Gandalf: I think he’s a very great wizard, in his own way. He’s a gentle soul who prefers the company of animals to others. He keeps a watchful eye over the vast forestlands to the East, and a good thing too, for always evil will look to find a foothold in this world.

Radagast: Not good. Not good at all! Oh. Oh, no! Oh, Sebastian! Good gracious. Move back! Give him some air, for goodness sake! I don’t understand why it’s not working, it’s not as if it’s witchcraft! Witchcraft. Oh, but it is! A dark and powerful magic. Where on this good earth do those foul creatures come from? The old fortress? Show me.

Thorin Oakenshield: We’ll camp here for the night. FÃli, KÃli, look after the ponies. Make sure you stay with them.

Gandalf: (inspecting the ruined house) A farmer and his family used to live here.

Thorin Oakenshield: Oin, Gloin.

Oin: Aye?

Thorin Oakenshield: Get the fire going.

Oin: Right you are.

Gandalf: I think it would be wiser to move on. We could make for the hidden valley.

Thorin Oakenshield: But I’ve told you already. I will not go near that place.

Gandalf: Why not? The Elves could help us, we could get food, rest, advice.

Thorin Oakenshield: I do not need their advice.

Gandalf: We have a map that we cannot read. Lord Elrond could help us.

Thorin Oakenshield: Help? A dragon attacks Erebor. What help came from the Elves? Orcs plunder Moria, desecrate our sacred halls, the Elves looked on and did nothing! You ask me to seek out the very people who betrayed my grandfather, who betrayed my father.

Gandalf: You are neither of them. I did not give you that map and key for you to hold on to the past.

Thorin Oakenshield: I did not know they were yours to keep.

Bilbo: (sees Gandalf storm off in frustration) Everything alright? Gandalf, where are you going?

Gandalf: To seek the company of the only one around here who’s got any sense.

Bilbo: And who’s that?

Gandalf: Myself, mister Baggins! I’ve had enough of dwarves for one day.

Thorin Oakenshield: Come on Bombur, we’re hungry.

Bilbo: (to Balin) Is he coming back? (The dwarf looks unsure at Bilbo. At night time, Bilbo is still worrying because Gandalf has yet to return. He’s been a long time.

Bofur: Who?

Bilbo: Gandalf.

Bofur: He’s a wizard! He does as he chooses. Here. Do us a favor, take this to the lads. (hands Bilbo the soup but stops Bombur from taking more.) Stop it, you’ve had plenty.

Bilbo: What’s the matter?

Kili: We’re supposed to be looking after the ponies.

Fili: Only we’ve encountered a slight problem.

Kili: We had sixteen.

Fili: Now there’s fourteen.

[as they look to see which ponies are missing]

Kili: Daisy and Bungle are missing.

Bilbo: What? Well, that’s not good. And that is not good at all. Shouldn’t we tell Thorin?

Fili: Uh…no. Let’s not worry him. As our official burglar, we thought you might like to look into it.

Bilbo: Well, uh…it looks as if something big uprooted these trees.

Kili: That was our thinking.

Bilbo: It’s something very big, and possibly quite dangerous.

Fili: Hey! There’s a light.

[to Kili]

Fili: Over here!

[they all move closer towards the light]

Fili: Stay down.

Bilbo: What is it?

Kili: Trolls.

Bilbo: He’s got Myrtle and Minty! I think they’re gonna eat them, we have to do something.

Kili: Yes, you should. Mountain trolls are slow and stupid, and you’re so small. They’ll never see you.

Bilbo: Me? Me? No. No. No.

Kili: It’s perfectly safe!

Fili: We’ll be right behind you. If you run into trouble hoot twice like a barn owl, once like a brown owl.

Bilbo: Twice like a barn owl, hoot twice like a brown…hoots like a…like a… Uh, are you sure this is a good idea?

William Troll: Mutton yesterday, mutton today. And blimey, if it don’t look like mutton again tomorrow.

Bert Troll: Quit your griping. These ain’t sheep! These is West nags!

Tom Troll: Oh! I don’t like horse. I never have. Not enough fat on them.

William Troll: Well, it’s better than a leathery ol’ farmer. All skin and bone he was. I’m still pickin’ bits of him out o’ me teeth.

Bert Troll: Well, that’s lovely, that is. A floater.hobbit-7

William Troll: Oh! Might improve the flavor!

Tom Troll: Ah! There’s more where that came from.

Bert Troll: Oh, no you don’t!

Tom Troll: Oww! Oww!

Bert Troll: Sit down!

Tom Troll: Well…I hope you’re gonna gut these nags? I don’t like the stinky parts.

Tom Troll: Oww!

Bert Troll: I said sit down!

William Troll: I’m starving, are we having horse tonight or what?

Bert Troll: Shut your cake hole! You’ll eat what I’ll give ya!

William Troll: How come he’s the cook? Everything tastes the same, everything tastes like chicken.

Tom Troll: Except the chicken.

William Troll: What tastes like fish!

Bert Troll: I’m just saying, a little appreciation would be nice. ‘Thank you very much, Bert. Lovely stew, Bert.’ How hard is that? Mmm. Just needs a sprinkle of squirrel dung. Here, that’s my grog!

Tom Troll: Sorry. Oww!

Bert Troll: Ooh. That is beautifully balanced, that is. Wrap your loganbie around that, mate. Huh? Good ain’t it? That’s why I’m the cook.

William Troll: Me guts are grumbling, I’ve got to snaffle something. Flesh. I need flesh!

Tom Troll: Aah! Blimey! Bert! Bert, look what’s come out of me hooter! It’s got arms and legs and everything!

Bert Troll: What is it?

Tom Troll: I don’t know, but I don’t like the way it wriggles around!

Bert Troll: What are you then? An oversized squirrel?

Bilbo: I’m a burglar…uh, hobbit!

Tom Troll: A ‘burglar-hobbit’?

William Troll: Can we cook him??

Tom Troll: We can try!

Bert Troll: He wouldn’t make more than a mouthful. Not when he’s skinned and boned!

William Troll: Perhaps there’s more burglar-hobbits ’round these parts, might be enough for a pie! Grab him!

Tom Troll: He’s too quick!

William Troll: Oah, come here! you little…

William Troll: Gotcha! Are there any more of you little fellas hiding where you shouldn’t?

Bilbo: No.

Tom Troll: He’s lying!

Bilbo: I’m not!

Tom Troll: Hold his toes over the fire. Make him squeal!

(Kili rushes in and slashes one of the trolls' legs

Kili: Drop him!

William Troll: You what?

Kili: I said, drop him. (The trolls toss Bilbo to Kili, who promptly catches the Hobbit, but both of them fall onto the ground) Bilbo!

Thorin: No! (pulls Kili back to prevent him from getting hurt or Bilbo killed)

William Troll: Lay down your arms! Or we’ll rip his off! Don’t bother cooking ’em! Let’s just sit on 'em and squash ’em into jelly!

Bert Troll: They should be sauteed and grilled with a sprinkle of sage.

Tom Troll: Oh, that does sound quite nice.

William Troll: Never mind the seasoning, we ain’t got all night! Dawn ain’t far away, let’s get a move on! I don’t fancy been turned to stone.

Bilbo: Wait! You are making a terrible mistake.

Dori: You can’t reason with them, they’re half-wits!

Bofur: Half-wits? What does that make us?

Bilbo: I meant with the…uh, with the…with the seasoning.

Bert Troll: What about the seasoning?

Bilbo: Well, have you smelt them? You’re gonna need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up!

William Troll: What do you know about cooking dwarf?

Bert Troll: Shut up, and let the…uh, flurgerburbur-hobbit talk.

Bilbo: Uh…the-the secret to cooking dwarf, is um…

Bert Troll: Yes? Come on.

Bilbo: It’s, uh…

Bert Troll: Tell us the secret!

Bilbo: Ye-yes, I’m telling you. The secret is…to…skin them first!

Bert Troll: Tom, get me filleting knife.

William Troll: What a load of rubbish! I’ve eaten plenty with their skins on. Scoff ’em I say, boots and all!

Tom Troll: He’s right! Nothing wrong with a bit o’ raw dwarf. Nice and crunchy.

Bilbo: Uh…not…not that one, he…he’s infected!

William Troll: You what?

Bilbo: Yeah he’s got worms in his…tubes.

Tom Troll: Ooh!

Bilbo: In-in fact, they all have. They’re infested with parasites, it’s a terrible business, I wouldn’t risk it, I really wouldn’t.

Oin: Parasites? Did he say parasites?

Kili: Yeah, we don’t have parasites! You have parasites!

[Thorin realizes that Bilbo is trying to buy them time and kicks Kili and they realize what Bilbo is doing]

Oin: I’ve got parasites as big as my arm!

Kili: Mine are the biggest parasites, I’ve got huge parasites!

Nori: We’re riddled!

Ori: Yes, I’m riddled!

Dori: Yes, we are, badly!

William Troll: What would you have us do then? Let ’em all go?

Bilbo: Well…

William Troll: You think I don’t know what you’re up to. This little ferret is taking us for fools!

Bilbo: Ferret?

Bert Troll: Fools?

(Gandalf comes from his hiding spot, with his staff in hand)

Gandalf: The dawn will take you all!

William Troll: Who’s that?

Bert Troll: No idea.

Tom Troll: Can we eat him too?

Dwalin: Ooh, get your foot out of my back!

Thorin: Where did you go to, if I may ask?

Gandalf: To look ahead.

Thorin: What brought you back?

Gandalf: Looking behind. Nasty business. Still they all are in one piece.

Thorin: No thanks to your burglar.

Gandalf: He had the nous to play for time. None of the rest of you thought of that. They must have come down from the Ettenmoors.

Thorin: Since when the mountain trolls venture this far south?

Gandalf: Oh, not for an age. Not since a darker power ruled these lands. (Thorin and Gandalf look at each other in alarm)They could not have moved in daylight.

Thorin: There must be a cave nearby.

Bofur: Oh, what’s that stench?!

Gandalf: It’s a troll hoard. Be careful what you touch.

Bofur: Seems a shame just to leave it lying around. Anyone could take it.

Gloin: Agreed. Nori, get a shovel.

Thorin: These swords were not made by any troll.

Gandalf: Nor were they made by any smith among men. These were forged in Gondolin, by the High Elves, of the First Age. You could not wish for a finer blade.

Gloin: We’re making a long-term deposit.

Thorin: Let’s get out of this foul place. Come on, let’s go. Bofur, Gloin, Nori.

Gandalf: Bilbo.

Bilbo: Hm?

Gandalf: Here. This is about your size.

Bilbo: I can’t take this.

Gandalf: The blade is of Elvish make, which means it will glow blue when orcs or goblins are nearby.

Bilbo: I have…I have never used a sword in my life.

Gandalf: And I hope you never have to. But if you do, remember this: true courage is about knowing not when to take a life, but when to spare one.

Thorin: Something’s coming!

Bilbo: Gandalf.

Gandalf: Stay together! Hurry, now! Arm yourselves!

Radagast: Thieves! Fire! Murder!

Gandalf: Radagast. It’s Radagast the Brown!

Gandalf: What on earth are you doing here?

Radagast: I was looking for you, Gandalf. Something’s wrong. Something’s terribly wrong.

Gandalf: Yes?

Radagast: Just give me a minute. Um…Oh! I had a thought and now I’ve lost it. It was…it was was right there, on the tip of my tongue! Oh! It’s not a thought at all! It’s a silly old… stick insect. (Gandalf removes the stick bug from Radagast's mouth, earning disturbed looks from Bilbo, Fili and Oin)

Radagast: The Greenwood is sick, Gandalf. A darkness has fallen over it. Nothing grows any more, at least nothing good. The air is foul with decay. But worst are the webs.”

Gandalf: Webs? What do you mean?”

Radagast: Spiders, Gandalf. Giant ones. Some kind of spawn of Ungoliant, or I am not a Wizard. I followed their trail. They came from Dol Guldur.”

Gandalf: Dol Guldur? But the old fortress is abandoned.”

Radagast: No, Gandalf, it is not. A dark power dwells in there... ...such as I have never felt before. It is the shadow of an ancient horror. One that can summon the spirits... ...of the dead. I saw him, Gandalf. From out of the darkness... ...a Necromancer has come. Radagast. Quick! Quick, quick! Quick, quick! Wait for me! Sorry.

Gandalf: Try a little old Toby. It’ll help setting your nerves. In, and out. Now, the Necromancer. Are you sure?

Radagast: That is not from the world of the living.

Bilbo: Was that a wolf? Are there…are there wolves out there?

Bofur: Wolves? No, that is not a wolf.

Thorin: Warg scouts! Which means an orc pack is not far behind!

Bilbo: Orc pack?

Gandalf: Who did you tell about your quest, beyond your kin?

Thorin: No one.

Gandalf: Who did you tell?!

Thorin: No one, I swear! What in Durin’s name is going on?

Gandalf: You are being hunted.

Dwalin: We have to get out of here.

Ori: We can’t! We have no ponies. They bolted.

Radagast: I’ll draw them off.

Gandalf: These are Gundabad wargs. They will outrun you!

Radagast: These are Rhosgobel rabbits. I’d like to see them try.

Radagast: Come and get me!

Gandalf: Come on! Stay together.

Thorin: Move! (pulls ri back before the orcs see them) Ori, no! Come back.

Gandalf: All of you, come on, come on! Quick!

Thorin: Where are you leading us?

Hunter Orc: The Dwarf-scum are over there! After them!

Gandalf: Move! Run!

Gloin: There they are!

Gandalf: This way! Quickly!

Kili: There’s more coming!

Thorin: Kili! Shoot them!

Fili: We’re surrounded!

[Kili shoots one of the orcs with his bow]

Fili: Where’s Gandalf?

Dwalin: He’s abandoned us!

Thorin: Hold your ground!

Gandalf: This way, you fools!

Thorin: Come on, move! Quickly! All of you! Go, go, go!

[the dwarves all start jumping inside the underground tunnel and Gandalf counts the dwarves]

Gandalf: …nine, ten…

Thorin: Kili! Run! Elves.

Dwalin: I cannot see where the pathway leads. Do we follow it or not?

Bofur: We follow it, of course!

Gandalf: I think that would be wise. The Valley of Imladris. In the common tongue, it’s known by another name.

Bilbo: Rivendell.

Gandalf: Here lies the last homely house, east of the sea.

Thorin: This was your plan all along, to seek refuge with our enemy.

Gandalf: You have no enemies here, Thorin Oakenshield. The only ill-will to be found in this valley is that which you bring yourself.

Thorin: You think the Elves will give our quest their blessing? They will try to stop us.

Gandalf: Of course, they will. But we have questions that need to be answered. If we are to be successful this will need to be handled with tact, and respect, and no small degree of charm, which is why you will leave the talking to me.

[they start making their way towards Rivendell]

[as they enter Rivendell they are met by some elves]

Lindir: Mithrandir.

Gandalf: Ah, Lindir.

Thorin: (whispers to Dwalin) Stay sharp.

[Lindir starts speaking in Elvish to Gandalf]

Lindir: [subtitled] We heard you had crossed into the Valley.

Gandalf: I must speak with Lord Elrond.

Lindir: My Lord Elrond is not here.

Gandalf: Not here? Where is he?

[they hear the hunting horn and turn to see the returning elf war party]

Thorin: Close ranks!

[the elf war party surround the dwarves, we see Elrond is with the war party]

Elrond: Gandalf!

Gandalf: Lord Elrond.

[Gandalf greets Elrond in Elvish]

Gandalf: [subtitled] My friend! Where have you been?

Elrond: [subtitled] We’ve been hunting a pack of Orcs that came up from the South. We slew a number near the Hidden Pass.

[Elrond gets off his horse and embraces Gandalf]

Elrond: Strange for orcs to come so close to our borders. Something or someone has drawn them near.

Gandalf: Ah, that may have been us.

(Thorin shows himself to Elrond, who gives him something of a genuine smile.)

Elrond: Welcome, Thorin, son of Thrain.

Thorin: I do not believe we have met.

Elrond: You have your grandfather's bearing. I knew Thror when he ruled Under the Mountain.

Thorin: Indeed? He made no mention of you.

(Elrond speaks in Elvish, to which Gloin takes offense to.)

Gloin: What is he saying? Does he offer us insult?

Gandalf: No, Master Gloin, he's offering you food.

(The dwarves talk amongst themselves before they all look at Elrond)

Gloin: Well, in that case, lead on.

Dwarf: Hey. Come on.

Dori: (pressuring his brother to eat green leaf) Try it. Just a mouthful.

Ori: I don't like green food.

Nori: Where's the meat?

Ori: Have they got any chips?

Gandalf: Kind of you to invite us. Not really dressed for dinner.

Elrond: Well, you never are.

(Kili notices a girl elf and winks at her, but Dwalin is eyeing him.

Kili: Can't say I fancy Elf maids myself. Too thin. They're all high cheekbones and creamy skin. Not enough facial hair for me. Although... That one there's not bad."

Dwalin: That's not an elf maid.

Elrond: (expecting both Glamdring and Orcrist) This is Orcrist, the Goblin-cleaver. A famous blade forged by the High Elves of the West, my kin. May it serve you well. And this is Glamdring, the Foehammer. Sword of the King of Gondolin. These were made for the Goblin Wars of the First Age.

(Bilbo wonders about his own sword, looking down at it. Balin notices the hobbit's plight.)

Balin: I wouldn't bother, laddie. Swords are named for the great deeds they do in war.

Bilbo: What are you saying, my sword hasn't seen battle?

Balin (in a regrettable voice): I'm not actually sure it is a sword. More of a letter opener, really.

Elrond: How did you come by these?

Gandalf: We found them in a Troll-hoard

on the Great East Road...

...shortly before we were

ambushed by Orcs.

Elrond: And what were you doing

on the Great East Road?

Thorin Oakenshield: Excuse me.

Elrond: "Thirteen Dwarves and a Halfling. Hm. Strange traveling companions, Gandalf."

Gandalf, during Nori and Bombur misbehave: "These are the descendants of the house of Durin. They're noble, decent folk. And they're surprisingly cultured. They've got a deep love of the arts."

Nori: "Change the tune, why don't you? I feel like I'm at a funeral."

Oin: "Did somebody die?"

Bofur: "All right, lads. There's only one thing for it. There's an inn, there's an inn.

There's a merry old inn
Beneath an old gray hill
The rest begin singing:
And there they brew a beer so brown
The Man in the Moon
Himself came down

One night
To drink his fill
- Oh -

The ostler has a tipsy cat
That played a five-stringed fiddle
And up and down he saws his bow

Now squeaking high
Now purring low
Now sawing in the middle
- So -

The cat on the fiddle
Played hey-diddle-diddle
A drink that'll wake the dead
He squeaked and he sawed

And he quickened
The tune
And the landlord
Shook the Man
In the Moon
'it's after Three!' he said.

(Thorin, Bilbo, Balin, Elrond, and Gandalf are in Rivendell Library, but THorin is refusing for Elrond to see the map.)

Thorin: (stubbornly) Our business is no concern of Elves.

Gandalf: For goodness sake, Thorin, show him the map.

Thorin Oakenshield: It is the legacy of my people. It is mine to protect, as are its secrets.

Gandalf: Save me from the stubbornness of Dwarves. Your pride will be your downfall. You stand in the presence of one of the few in Middle-earth... ...who can read that map. Show it to Lord Elrond.

(Bilbo looks between them, obviously annoyed by how this conversation went down. Thorin contemplates for a moment before giving the map to Elrond.

Balin: Thorin, no. (Thorin hands the map over to Elrond, despite Thorin's protests).

Elrond: Erebor. What is your interest in this map?

Gandalf: It's mainly academic. As you know, this sort of artifact sometimes contains hidden text. You still read ancient Dwarvish, do you not? Moon runes? Of course. (Bilbo looks at her.) An easy thing to miss.

Elrond: Well, in this case, that is true. Moon runes can only be read by the light of a moon... ...of the same shape and season as the day on which they were written.

Thorin: Can you read them?

Elrond: These runes were written on a Midsummer's Eve by the light of a crescent moon nearly 200 years ago. It would seem you were meant to come to Rivendell. Fate is with you, Thorin Oakenshield. The same moon shines upon us tonight. (reads the map) "Stand by the gray stone when the thrush knocks and the setting sun with the last light of Durin's Day will shine upon the keyhole."

Bilbo: (confused; to Balin) Durin's Day?

Gandalf: It is the start of the Dwarves' new year, when the last moon of autumn, and the first sun of winter appear in the sky together.

Thorin: (after thinking this through) This is ill news. Summer is passing. Durin's Day will soon be upon us.

Balin: We still have time.

Bilbo: Time? For what?

Balin: To find the entrance. We have to be standing in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Then, and only then, can the door be opened.

Elrond: So this is your purpose, to enter the mountain?

Thorin: What of it?

Elrond: There are some who would not deem it wise.

Gandalf: What do you mean?

Elrond: You are not the only guardian to stand watch over Middle-earth.

(Dol Guldur)

(Bilbo goes on through Rivendell without his companions and stands on the balcony of his guest chambers. Elrond comes up next to him, surprising Bilbo completely.)

Elrond: Not with your companions?

Bilbo: No, I shan't be missed. The truth is that most of them don't think I should be on this journey."

Elrond: Indeed? I've heard that Hobbits are very resilient.

Bilbo: Really?

Elrond: I've also heard they're fond of the comforts of home.

Bilbo: (looks around and whispers) I've heard that it's unwise to seek the council of Elves. That they will only answer with 'Yes' and 'No'.

(Elrond looks down at Bilbo with an unreadable expression as Bilbo dons on an insecure one. However, Elrond smiles. Bilbo looks at him, giving a small laugh)

Elrond (places hand on his shoulder): You are very welcome to stay here, if that is your wish.

Lindir (Elvish, subtitled): "The kitchen's under enormous strain, we are almost out of wine. How long do you think they will be with us?

Elrond (Elvish, subtitled): "That has yet to be decided.(They turn and watch the Dwarves playing in the pools naked as Elrond and Lindir look at them)

(The dwarves in their guest rooms are throwing stuff around and burning their furniture. Bofur sees his brother, Bombur sitting up there.)

Bofur: Bombur. (He tosses the food into Bombur, causing the table to break underneath them. Everyone laughs. Bilbo continues walking through Rivendell.)

Gandalf: Of course I was going to tell you. I was waiting for this very chance.

(After approaching the steps, Bilbo catches the conversation between Elrond and Gandalf and can't help but listen.)

Gandalf: (continued) And really, I think you can trust that I know what I am doing.

Elrond: Do you? That dragon has slept for 60 years. What will happen if your plan should fail, if you wake that beast?"

Gandalf: "What if we succeed? If the Dwarves take back the mountain our defenses in the east will be strengthened."

Elrond: It is a dangerous move, Gandalf.

(Bilbo looks to see Thorin behind him. However, the dwarf king looks at him, that just tells him to listen and not say another word. They continue listening.)

Gandalf: It is also dangerous to do nothing. Oh, come, the throne of Erebor is Thorin's birthright. What is it you fear?

Elrond: Have you forgotten? A strain of madness runs deep in that family. His grandfather lost his mind. His father succumbed to the same sickness. Can you swear Thorin Oakenshield will not also fall? (as Gandalf speaks, Thorin looks troubled as Bilbo looks at them with an understanding of Thorin more than he ever did. ) Gandalf, these decisions do not rest with us alone. It is not up to you or me to redraw the map of Middle-earth.

Gandalf: With or without our help, these Dwarves will march on the mountain. They're determined to reclaim their homeland. I do not believe Thorin Oakenshield feels that he is answerable to anyone. Nor, for that matter, am I.

Elrond: (looks at Gandalf) It is not me you must answer to. (Gandalf looks to see Lady Galadriel there.)

Gandalf: Lady Galadriel.

Galadriel: Mithrandir. It has been a long time.

Gandalf: (in elvish) Age may have changed me, but not so the Lady of Lorien.

(Galadriel smiles.)

Gandalf: I had no idea Lord Elrond had sent for you. (A voice sounds out of the darkness.)

Saruman: He didn’t. I did.

(Gandalf turns and sees Saruman the White; he bows to him.)

Gandalf: Saruman.

Saruman: You’ve been busy of late, my friend.

(The White Council, composed of Saruman, Elrond, Galadriel, and Gandalf, are in the pavilion. Gandalf and Saruman sit at a table; Elrond and Galadriel stand or walk about. Dawn is slowly breaking.)

Saruman: Tell me, Gandalf, did you think these plans and schemes of yours would go unnoticed?

Gandalf: Unnoticed? No, I’m simply doing what I feel to be right.

Galadriel: The dragon has long been on your mind.

Gandalf: This is true, my lady. Smaug owes allegiance to no one. But if he should side with the enemy, a dragon could be used to terrible effect.

Saruman: What enemy? Gandalf, the enemy is defeated. Sauron is vanquished. He can never regain his full strength.

Elrond: Gandalf, for four hundred years, we have lived in peace. A hardwon, watchful peace.

Gandalf: Are we? Are we at peace? Trolls have come down from the mountains. They are raiding villages, destroying farms. Orcs have attacked us on the road.

Elrond: Hardly a prelude to war.

Saruman: Always you must meddle, looking for trouble where none exists.

Galadriel: Let him speak.

Gandalf: There is something at work beyond the evil of Smaug. Something far more powerful. We can remain blind, but it will not be ignoring us, that I can promise you. A sickness lies over the Greenwood. The woodsmen who live there now call it ‘Mirkwood’. and they say...

Saruman: Well, don’t stop now. Tell us about the woodsmen say.

Gandalf: They speak of a Necromancer living in Dol Guldur, a sorcerer who can summon the dead.

Saruman: That’s absurd. No such power exists in the world. This...Necromancer is nothing more than a mortal man. A conjurer dabbling in black magic.

Gandalf: And so I thought too. But, Radagast has seen

Saruman: Radagast? Do not speak to me about Radagast the Brown. He is a foolish fellow.

Gandalf: Well, he’s odd, I grant you. He lives a solitary life.

Saruman: It’s not that. It’s his excessive consumption of mushrooms. They’ve addled his brain and yellowed his teeth. I warned him, it is unbefitting of the Istari to be wander in the woods... (Saruman’s voice fades away as Galadriel focuses on Gandalf, and speaks to him in his mind.)

Galadriel( telepathically): You carry something. It came to you from Radagast. He found it in Dol Guldur.

Gandalf, telepathically: Yes.

Galadriel( telepathically): Show me.

(Gandalf lifts Radagast’s package, which he had in his lap, and places it on the table. It lets out a dull thud.)

Saruman: …or I’d think I was talking to myself…

Elrond:) What is that?

Galadriel: A relic of Mordor.

(Elrond, who was reaching out to unwrap the package, draws his hand back. He then reaches for it again and opens it, revealing the sword Radagast took from the spirit in Dol Guldur. The White Council members look upon it in shock.) (Elrond:) A Morgul blade.

Galadriel: Made for the Witchking of Angmar, and buried with him. When Angmar fell, men of the North took his body and all that he possessed and sealed it within the HighFells of Rhudaur. Deep within the rock they buried them, in a tomb so dark it would never come to light.

Elrond: This is not possible. A powerful spells lies upon those tombs; they cannot be opened.

Saruman: What proof do we have this weapon came from Angmar’s grave?

Gandalf: I have none.

Saruman: Because there is none. Let us examine what we know. A single Orc pack has dared to cross the Bruinen. A dagger from a bygone age has been found. And a human sorcerer, who calls himself the Necromancer, has taken up residence in a ruined fortress. It’s not so very much, after all. The question of this dwarvish company, however, troubles me deeply. I’m not convinced, Gandalf; I do not feel I can condone such a quest. If they’d come to me, I might have spared them this disappointment. I do not pretend to understand your reasons for raising their hopes…

(Saruman’s voice fades away as Galadriel again focuses on Gandalf. She speaks to him telepathically.)

Galadriel( telepathically): They are leaving.

(Gandalf, telepathically:) Yes.

Galadriel( telepathically): You knew.

Saruman: …I am afraid there is nothing else for it.

(Gandalf nods. Galadriel smiles slightly. A step is heard, and they all turn around; Lindir come up and bows.)

Lindir: My Lord Elrond; the dwarves, they’ve gone.

(Thorin and company are seen making their way up the path they came. However, Bilbo is the one who hesitates, and is looking back at Rivendell.)

Thorin: (to the company) Be on your guard. We're about to step over the Edge of the Wild. Balin, you know these paths. Lead on.

Balin: Aye.

Thorin: (notices Bilbo is lagging behind)Master Baggins. (Bilbo looks to him.) I suggest you keep up.

(Bilbo looks at the city one more time before turning around for the road ahead).

Galadriel:You will follow them.

Gandalf: Yes.

Galadriel:You are right to help Thorin Oakenshield. But I fear this quest has set in motion... ...forces we do not yet understand. The riddle of the Morgul Blade must be answered. Something moves in the shadows unseen, hidden from our sight. It will not show itself. Not yet. But every day it grows in strength. You must be careful. Mithrandir? Why the Halfling?

Gandalf: I do not know. Saruman believes that it is only great power... ...that can hold evil in check. But that is not what I have found. I have found it is the small things... ...everyday deeds of ordinary folk... ...that keeps the darkness at bay. Simple acts of kindness and love. Why Bilbo Baggins? Perhaps it is because I'm afraid... ...and he gives me courage.

Galadriel: Do not be afraid, Mithrandir. You are not alone.

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Christian we are so sorry and will stop

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can u guys stop being retards and respect the teachers time

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can u guys stop being retards and respect the teachers time

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the entire bee movie scriptAccording to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway. Because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible.” SEQ. 75 - “INTRO TO BARRY” INT. BENSON HOUSE - DAY ANGLE ON: Sneakers on the ground. Camera PANS UP to reveal BARRY BENSON’S BEDROOM ANGLE ON: Barry’s hand flipping through different sweaters in his closet. BARRY Yellow black, yellow black, yellow black, yellow black, yellow black, yellow black...oohh, black and yellow... ANGLE ON: Barry wearing the sweater he picked, looking in the mirror. BARRY (CONT’D) Yeah, let’s shake it up a little. He picks the black and yellow one. He then goes to the sink, takes the top off a CONTAINER OF HONEY, and puts some honey into his hair. He squirts some in his mouth and gargles. Then he takes the lid off the bottle, and rolls some on like deodorant. CUT TO: INT. BENSON HOUSE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Barry’s mother, JANET BENSON, yells up at Barry. JANET BENSON Barry, breakfast is ready! CUT TO: "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 1. INT. BARRY’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS BARRY Coming! SFX: Phone RINGING. Barry’s antennae vibrate as they RING like a phone. Barry’s hands are wet. He looks around for a towel. BARRY (CONT’D) Hang on a second! He wipes his hands on his sweater, and pulls his antennae down to his ear and mouth. BARRY (CONT'D) Hello? His best friend, ADAM FLAYMAN, is on the other end. ADAM Barry? BARRY Adam? ADAM Can you believe this is happening? BARRY Can’t believe it. I’ll pick you up. Barry sticks his stinger in a sharpener. SFX: BUZZING AS HIS STINGER IS SHARPENED. He tests the sharpness with his finger. SFX: Bing. BARRY (CONT’D) Looking sharp. ANGLE ON: Barry hovering down the hall, sliding down the staircase bannister. Barry’s mother, JANET BENSON, is in the kitchen. JANET BENSON Barry, why don’t you use the stairs? Your father paid good money for those. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 2. BARRY Sorry, I’m excited. Barry’s father, MARTIN BENSON, ENTERS. He’s reading a NEWSPAPER with the HEADLINE, “Queen gives birth to thousandtuplets: Resting Comfortably.” MARTIN BENSON Here’s the graduate. We’re very proud of you, Son. And a perfect report card, all B’s. JANET BENSON (mushing Barry’s hair) Very proud. BARRY Ma! I’ve got a thing going here. Barry re-adjusts his hair, starts to leave. JANET BENSON You’ve got some lint on your fuzz. She picks it off. BARRY Ow, that’s me! MARTIN BENSON Wave to us. We’ll be in row 118,000. Barry zips off. BARRY Bye! JANET BENSON Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! CUT TO: SEQ. 750 - DRIVING TO GRADUATION EXT. BEE SUBURB - MORNING A GARAGE DOOR OPENS. Barry drives out in his CAR. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 3. ANGLE ON: Barry’s friend, ADAM FLAYMAN, standing by the curb. He’s reading a NEWSPAPER with the HEADLINE: “Frisbee Hits Hive: Internet Down. Bee-stander: “I heard a sound, and next thing I knew...wham-o!.” Barry drives up, stops in front of Adam. Adam jumps in. BARRY Hey, Adam. ADAM Hey, Barry. (pointing at Barry’s hair) Is that fuzz gel? BARRY A little. It’s a special day. Finally graduating. ADAM I never thought I’d make it. BARRY Yeah, three days of grade school, three days of high school. ADAM Those were so awkward. BARRY Three days of college. I’m glad I took off one day in the middle and just hitchhiked around the hive. ADAM You did come back different. They drive by a bee who’s jogging. ARTIE Hi Barry! BARRY (to a bee pedestrian) Hey Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. Barry and Adam drive from the suburbs into the city. ADAM Hey, did you hear about Frankie? "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 4. BARRY Yeah. ADAM You going to his funeral? BARRY No, I’m not going to his funeral. Everybody knows you sting someone you die, you don’t waste it on a squirrel. He was such a hot head. ADAM Yeah, I guess he could’ve just gotten out of the way. The DRIVE through a loop de loop. BARRY AND ADAM Whoa...Whooo...wheee!! ADAM I love this incorporating the amusement park right into our regular day. BARRY I guess that’s why they say we don’t need vacations. CUT TO: SEQ. 95 - GRADUATION EXT. GRADUATION CEREMONY - CONTINUOUS Barry and Adam come to a stop. They exit the car, and fly over the crowd to their seats. * BARRY * (re: graduation ceremony) * Boy, quite a bit of pomp...under * the circumstances. * They land in their seats. BARRY (CONT’D) Well Adam, today we are men. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 5. ADAM We are. BARRY Bee-men. ADAM Amen! BARRY Hallelujah. Barry hits Adam’s forehead. Adam goes into the rapture. An announcement comes over the PA. ANNOUNCER (V.O) Students, faculty, distinguished bees...please welcome, Dean Buzzwell. ANGLE ON: DEAN BUZZWELL steps up to the podium. The podium has a sign that reads: “Welcome Graduating Class of:”, with train-station style flipping numbers after it. BUZZWELL Welcome New Hive City graduating class of... The numbers on the podium change to 9:15. BUZZWELL (CONT’D) ...9:15. (he clears his throat) And that concludes our graduation ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries. BARRY Are we going to pick our job today? ADAM I heard it’s just orientation. The rows of chairs change in transformer-like mechanical motion to Universal Studios type tour trams. Buzzwell walks off stage. BARRY (re: trams) Whoa, heads up! Here we go. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 6. SEQ. 125 - “FACTORY” FEMALE VOICE (V.O) Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. (in Spanish) Dejen las manos y antennas adentro del tram a todos tiempos. BARRY I wonder what it’s going to be like? ADAM A little scary. Barry shakes Adam. BARRY AND ADAM AAHHHH! The tram passes under SIGNS READING: “Honex: A Division of Honesco: A Part of the Hexagon Group.” TRUDY Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco, and a part of the Hexagon group. BARRY This is it! The Honex doors OPEN, revealing the factory. BARRY (CONT’D) Wow. TRUDY We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant pollen jocks bring the nectar to the hive where our top secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent adjusted and bubble contoured into this... Trudy GRABS a TEST TUBE OF HONEY from a technician. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 7. TRUDY (CONT’D) ...soothing, sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow, you all know as... EVERYONE ON THE TRAM (in unison) H-o-n-e-y. Trudy flips the flask into the crowd, and laughs as they all scramble for it. ANGLE ON: A GIRL BEE catching the honey. ADAM (sotto) That girl was hot. BARRY (sotto) She’s my cousin. ADAM She is? BARRY Yes, we’re all cousins. ADAM Right. You’re right. TRUDY At Honex, we also constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress testing a new helmet technology. ANGLE ON: A STUNT BEE in a HELMET getting hit with a NEWSPAPER, then a SHOE, then a FLYSWATTER. He gets up, and gives a “thumb’s up”. The graduate bees APPLAUD. ADAM (re: stunt bee) What do you think he makes? BARRY Not enough. TRUDY And here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 8. BARRY Wow, what does that do? TRUDY Catches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. ANGLE ON: The Krelman machine. Bees with hand-shaped hats on, rotating around a wheel to catch drips of honey. Adam’s hand shoots up. ADAM Can anyone work on the Krelman? TRUDY Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it’s done well, means a lot. There are over 3000 different bee occupations. But choose carefully, because you’ll stay in the job that you pick for the rest of your life. The bees CHEER. ANGLE ON: Barry’s smile dropping slightly. BARRY The same job for the rest of your life? I didn’t know that. ADAM What’s the difference? TRUDY And you’ll be happy to know that bees as a species haven’t had one day off in 27 million years. BARRY So you’ll just work us to death? TRUDY (laughing) We’ll sure try. Everyone LAUGHS except Barry. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 9. The tram drops down a log-flume type steep drop. Cameras flash, as all the bees throw up their hands. The frame freezes into a snapshot. Barry looks concerned. The tram continues through 2 doors. FORM DISSOLVE TO: SEQ. 175 - “WALKING THE HIVE” INT. HONEX LOBBY ANGLE ON: The log-flume photo, as Barry looks at it. ADAM Wow. That blew my mind. BARRY (annoyed) “What’s the difference?” Adam, how could you say that? One job forever? That’s an insane choice to have to make. ADAM Well, I’m relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. BARRY But Adam, how could they never have told us that? ADAM Barry, why would you question anything? We’re bees. We’re the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. They walk by a newspaper stand with A SANDWICH BOARD READING: “Bee Goes Berserk: Stings Seven Then Self.” ANGLE ON: A BEE filling his car’s gas tank from a honey pump. He fills his car some, then takes a swig for himself. NEWSPAPER BEE (to the bee guzzling gas) Hey! Barry and Adam begin to cross the street. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 10. BARRY Yeah but Adam, did you ever think that maybe things work a little too well around here? They stop in the middle of the street. The traffic moves perfectly around them. ADAM Like what? Give me one example. BARRY (thinks) ...I don’t know. But you know what I’m talking about. They walk off. SEQ. 400 - “MEET THE JOCKS” SFX: The SOUND of Pollen Jocks. PAN DOWN from the Honex statue. J-GATE ANNOUNCER Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Royal Nectar Force on approach. BARRY Wait a second. Check it out. Hey, hey, those are Pollen jocks. ADAM Wow. FOUR PATROL BEES FLY in through the hive’s giant Gothic entrance. The Patrol Bees are wearing fighter pilot helmets with black visors. ADAM (CONT’D) I’ve never seen them this close. BARRY They know what it’s like to go outside the hive. ADAM Yeah, but some of them don’t come back. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 11. The nectar from the pollen jocks is removed from their backpacks, and loaded into trucks on their way to Honex. A SMALL CROWD forms around the Patrol Bees. Each one has a PIT CREW that takes their nectar. Lou Loduca hurries a pit crew along: LOU LODUCA You guys did great! You’re monsters. You’re sky freaks! I love it! I love it! SCHOOL GIRLS are jumping up and down and squealing nearby. BARRY I wonder where those guys have just been? ADAM I don’t know. BARRY Their day’s not planned. Outside the hive, flying who-knows-where, doing who-knows-what. ADAM You can’t just decide one day to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. BARRY Right. Pollen Jocks cross in close proximity to Barry and Adam. Some pollen falls off, onto Barry and Adam. BARRY (CONT’D) Look at that. That’s more pollen than you and I will ever see in a lifetime. ADAM (playing with the pollen) It’s just a status symbol. I think bees make too big a deal out of it. BARRY Perhaps, unless you’re wearing it, and the ladies see you wearing it. ANGLE ON: Two girl bees. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 12. ADAM Those ladies? Aren’t they our cousins too? BARRY Distant, distant. ANGLE ON: TWO POLLEN JOCKS. JACKSON Look at these two. SPLITZ Couple of Hive Harrys. JACKSON Let’s have some fun with them. The pollen jocks approach. Barry and Adam continue to talk to the girls. GIRL 1 It must be so dangerous being a pollen jock. BARRY Oh yeah, one time a bear had me pinned up against a mushroom. He had one paw on my throat, and with the other he was slapping me back and forth across the face. GIRL 1 Oh my. BARRY I never thought I’d knock him out. GIRL 2 (to Adam) And what were you doing during all of this? ADAM Obviously I was trying to alert the authorities. The girl swipes some pollen off of Adam with a finger. BARRY (re: pollen) I can autograph that if you want. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 13. JACKSON Little gusty out there today, wasn’t it, comrades? BARRY Yeah. Gusty. BUZZ You know, we’re going to hit a sunflower patch about six miles from here tomorrow. BARRY Six miles, huh? ADAM (whispering) Barry. BUZZ It’s a puddle-jump for us. But maybe you’re not up for it. BARRY Maybe I am. ADAM (whispering louder) You are not! BUZZ We’re going, oh-nine hundred at JGate. ADAM (re: j-gate) Whoa. BUZZ (leaning in, on top of Barry) What do you think, Buzzy Boy? Are you bee enough? BARRY I might be. It all depends on what oh-nine hundred means. CUT TO: SEQ. 450 - “THE BALCONY” "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 14. INT. BENSON HOUSE BALCONY - LATER Barry is standing on the balcony alone, looking out over the city. Martin Benson ENTERS, sneaks up behind Barry and gooses him in his ribs. MARTIN BENSON Honex! BARRY Oh, Dad. You surprised me. MARTIN BENSON (laughing) Have you decided what you’re interested in, Son? BARRY Well, there’s a lot of choices. MARTIN BENSON But you only get one. Martin LAUGHS. BARRY Dad, do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? MARTIN BENSON Son, let me tell you something about stirring. (making the stirring motion) You grab that stick and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm, it’s a beautiful thing. BARRY You know dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn’t right for me. MARTIN BENSON And you were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That’s a bad job for a guy with a stinger. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 15. BARRY Well no... MARTIN BENSON Janet, your son’s not sure he wants to go into honey. JANET BENSON Oh Barry, you are so funny sometimes. BARRY I’m not trying to be funny. MARTIN BENSON You’re not funny, you’re going into honey. Our son, the stirrer. JANET BENSON You’re going to be a stirrer?! BARRY No one’s listening to me. MARTIN BENSON Wait until you see the sticks I have for you. BARRY I can say anything I want right now. I’m going to get an ant tattoo. JANET BENSON Let’s open some fresh honey and celebrate. BARRY Maybe I’ll pierce my thorax! MARTIN BENSON (toasting) To honey! BARRY Shave my antennae! JANET BENSON To honey! "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 16. BARRY Shack up with a grasshopper, get a gold tooth, and start calling everybody “Dawg.” CUT TO: SEQ. 760 - “JOB PLACEMENT” EXT. HONEX LOBBY - CONTINUOUS ANGLE ON: A BEE BUS STOP. One group of bees stands on the pavement, as another group hovers above them. A doubledecker bus pulls up. The hovering bees get on the top level, and the standing bees get on the bottom. Barry and Adam pull up outside of Honex. ADAM I can’t believe we’re starting work today. BARRY Today’s the day. Adam jumps out of the car. ADAM (O.C) Come on. All the good jobs will be gone. BARRY Yeah, right... ANGLE ON: A BOARD READING: “JOB PLACEMENT BOARD”. Buzzwell, the Bee Processor, is at the counter. Another BEE APPLICANT, SANDY SHRIMPKIN is EXITING. SANDY SHRIMPKIN Is it still available? BUZZWELL Hang on. (he looks at changing numbers on the board) Two left. And...one of them’s yours. Congratulations Son, step to the side please. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 17. SANDY SHRIMPKIN Yeah! ADAM (to Sandy, leaving) What did you get? SANDY SHRIMPKIN Picking the crud out. That is stellar! ADAM Wow. BUZZWELL (to Adam and Barry) Couple of newbies? ADAM Yes Sir. Our first day. We are ready. BUZZWELL Well, step up and make your choice. ANGLE ON: A CHART listing the different sectors of Honex. Heating, Cooling, Viscosity, Krelman, Pollen Counting, Stunt Bee, Pouring, Stirrer, Humming, Regurgitating, Front Desk, Hair Removal, Inspector No. 7, Chef, Lint Coordinator, Stripe Supervisor, Antennae-ball polisher, Mite Wrangler, Swatting Counselor, Wax Monkey, Wing Brusher, Hive Keeper, Restroom Attendant. ADAM (to Barry) You want to go first? BARRY No, you go. ADAM Oh my. What’s available? BUZZWELL Restroom attendant is always open, and not for the reason you think. ADAM Any chance of getting on to the Krelman, Sir? BUZZWELL Sure, you’re on. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 18. He plops the KRELMAN HAT onto Adam’s head. ANGLE ON: The job board. THE COLUMNS READ: “OCCUPATION” “POSITIONS AVAILABLE”, and “STATUS”. The middle column has numbers, and the right column has job openings flipping between “open”, “pending”, and “closed”. BUZZWELL (CONT’D) Oh, I’m sorry. The Krelman just closed out. ADAM Oh! He takes the hat off Adam. BUZZWELL Wax Monkey’s always open. The Krelman goes from “Closed” to “Open”. BUZZWELL (CONT’D) And the Krelman just opened up again. ADAM What happened? BUZZWELL Well, whenever a bee dies, that’s an opening. (pointing at the board) See that? He’s dead, dead, another dead one, deady, deadified, two more dead. Dead from the neck up, dead from the neck down. But, that’s life. ANGLE ON: Barry’s disturbed expression. ADAM (feeling pressure to decide) Oh, this is so hard. Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector no. 7, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, antenna-ball polisher, mite wrangler-- Barry, Barry, what do you think I should-- Barry? Barry? "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 19. Barry is gone. CUT TO: SEQ. 775 - “LOU LODUCA SPEECH” EXT. J-GATE - SAME TIME Splitz, Jackson, Buzz, Lou and two other BEES are going through final pre-flight checks. Barry ENTERS. LOU LODUCA Alright, we’ve got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine. Geranium window box on Sutton Place... Barry’s antennae rings, like a phone. ADAM (V.O) What happened to you? Where are you? Barry whispers throughout. BARRY I’m going out. ADAM (V.O) Out? Out where? BARRY Out there. ADAM (V.O) (putting it together) Oh no. BARRY I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. ADAM (V.O) You’re going to die! You’re crazy! Hello? BARRY Oh, another call coming in. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 20. ADAM (V.O) You’re cra-- Barry HANGS UP. ANGLE ON: Lou Loduca. LOU LODUCA If anyone’s feeling brave, there’s a Korean Deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. BARRY (timidly) Hey guys. BUZZ Well, look at that. SPLITZ Isn’t that the kid we saw yesterday? LOU LODUCA (to Barry) Hold it son, flight deck’s restricted. JACKSON It’s okay Lou, we’re going to take him up. Splitz and Jackson CHUCKLE. LOU LODUCA Really? Feeling lucky, are ya? A YOUNGER SMALLER BEE THAN BARRY, CHET, runs up with a release waiver for Barry to sign. CHET Sign here. Here. Just initial that. Thank you. LOU LODUCA Okay, you got a rain advisory today and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, (reading off clipboard) watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears, and bats. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 21. Also, I got a couple reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy’s in a home because of it, just babbling like a cicada. BARRY That’s awful. LOU LODUCA And a reminder for all you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans. Alright, launch positions! The Jocks get into formation, chanting as they move. LOU LODUCA (CONT’D) Black and Yellow! JOCKS Hello! SPLITZ (to Barry) Are you ready for this, hot shot? BARRY Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Barry NODS, terrified. BUZZ Wind! - CHECK! JOCK #1 Antennae! - CHECK! JOCK #2 Nectar pack! - CHECK! JACKSON Wings! - CHECK! SPLITZ Stinger! - CHECK! BARRY Scared out of my shorts - CHECK. LOU LODUCA Okay ladies, let’s move it out. Everyone FLIPS their goggles down. Pit crew bees CRANK their wings, and remove the starting blocks. We hear loud HUMMING. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 22. LOU LODUCA (CONT'D) LOU LODUCA (CONT’D) Pound those petunia's, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! A FLIGHT DECK GUY in deep crouch hand-signals them out the archway as the backwash from the bee wings FLUTTERS his jump suit. Barry follows everyone. SEQ. 800 - “FLYING WITH THE JOCKS” The bees climb above tree tops in formation. Barry is euphoric. BARRY Whoa! I’m out! I can’t believe I’m out! So blue. Ha ha ha! (a beat) I feel so fast...and free. (re: kites in the sky) Box kite! Wow! They fly by several bicyclists, and approach a patch of flowers. BARRY (CONT'D) Flowers! SPLITZ This is blue leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around thirty degrees and hold. BARRY (sotto) Roses. JACKSON Thirty degrees, roger, bringing it around. Many pollen jocks break off from the main group. They use their equipment to collect nectar from flowers. Barry flies down to watch the jocks collect the nectar. JOCK Stand to the side kid, it’s got a bit of a kick. The jock fires the gun, and recoils. Barry watches the gun fill up with nectar. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 23. BARRY Oh, that is one Nectar Collector. JOCK You ever see pollination up close? BARRY No, Sir. He takes off, and the excess pollen dust falls causing the flowers to come back to life. JOCK (as he pollinates) I pick some pollen up over here, sprinkle it over here, maybe a dash over there, pinch on that one...see that? It’s a little bit of magic, ain’t it? The FLOWERS PERK UP as he pollinates. BARRY Wow. That’s amazing. Why do we do that? JOCK ...that’s pollen power, Kid. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. BARRY Cool. The Jock WINKS at Barry. Barry rejoins the other jocks in the sky. They swoop in over a pond, kissing the surface. We see their image reflected in the water; they’re really moving. They fly over a fountain. BUZZ I’m picking up a lot of bright yellow, could be daisies. Don’t we need those? SPLITZ Copy that visual. We see what appear to be yellow flowers on a green field. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 24. They go into a deep bank and dive. BUZZ Hold on, one of these flowers seems to be on the move. SPLITZ Say again...Are you reporting a moving flower? BUZZ Affirmative. SEQ. 900 - “TENNIS GAME” The pollen jocks land. It is a tennis court with dozens of tennis balls. A COUPLE, VANESSA and KEN, plays tennis. The bees land right in the midst of a group of balls. KEN (O.C) That was on the line! The other bees start walking around amongst the immense, yellow globes. SPLITZ This is the coolest. What is it? They stop at a BALL on a white line and look up at it. JACKSON I don’t know, but I’m loving this color. SPLITZ (smelling tennis ball) Smells good. Not like a flower. But I like it. JACKSON Yeah, fuzzy. BUZZ Chemical-y. JACKSON Careful, guys, it’s a little grabby. Barry LANDS on a ball and COLLAPSES. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 25. BARRY Oh my sweet lord of bees. JACKSON Hey, candy brain, get off there! Barry attempts to pulls his legs off, but they stick. BARRY Problem! A tennis shoe and a hand ENTER FRAME. The hand picks up the ball with Barry underneath it. BARRY (CONT'D) Guys! BUZZ This could be bad. JACKSON Affirmative. Vanessa walks back to the service line, BOUNCES the ball. Each time it BOUNCES, the other bees cringe and GASP. ANGLE ON: Barry, terrified. Pure dumb luck, he’s not getting squished. BARRY (with each bounce) Very close...Gonna Hurt...Mamma’s little boy. SPLITZ You are way out of position, rookie. ANGLE ON: Vanessa serving. We see Barry and the ball up against the racket as she brings it back. She tosses the ball into the air; Barry’s eyes widen. The ball is STRUCK, and the rally is on. KEN Coming in at you like a missile! Ken HITS the ball back. Barry feels the g-forces. ANGLE ON: The Pollen Jocks watching Barry pass by them in SLOW MOTION. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 26. BARRY (in slow motion) Help me! JACKSON You know, I don't think these are flowers. SPLITZ Should we tell him? JACKSON I think he knows. BARRY (O.S) What is this?! Vanessa HITS a high arcing lob. Ken waits, poised for the return. We see Barry having trouble maneuvering the ball from fatigue. KEN (overly confident) Match point! ANGLE ON: Ken running up. He has a killer look in his eyes. He’s going to hit the ultimate overhead smash. KEN (CONT'D) You can just start packing up Honey, because I believe you’re about to eat it! ANGLE ON: Pollen Jocks. JACKSON Ahem! Ken is distracted by the jock. KEN What? No! He misses badly. The ball rockets into oblivion. Barry is still hanging on. ANGLE ON: Ken, berating himself. KEN (CONT’D) Oh, you cannot be serious. We hear the ball WHISTLING, and Barry SCREAMING. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 27. BARRY Yowser!!! SEQ. 1000 - “SUV” The ball flies through the air, and lands in the middle of the street. It bounces into the street again, and sticks in the grille of an SUV. INT. CAR ENGINE - CONTINUOUS BARRY’S POV: the grille of the SUV sucks him up. He tumbles through a black tunnel, whirling vanes, and pistons. BARRY AHHHHHHHHHHH!! OHHHH!! EECHHH!! AHHHHHH!! Barry gets chilled by the A/C system, and sees a frozen grasshopper. BARRY (CONT’D) (re: grasshopper) Eww, gross. CUT TO: INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS The car is packed with a typical suburban family: MOTHER, FATHER, eight-year old BOY, LITTLE GIRL in a car seat and a GRANDMOTHER. A big slobbery DOG is behind a grate. Barry pops into the passenger compartment, hitting the Mother’s magazine. MOTHER There’s a bee in the car! They all notice the bee and start SCREAMING. BARRY Aaahhhh! Barry tumbles around the car. We see the faces from his POV. MOTHER Do something! "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 28. FATHER I’m driving! Barry flies by the little girl in her CAR SEAT. She waves hello. LITTLE GIRL Hi, bee. SON He’s back here! He’s going to sting me! The car SWERVES around the road. Barry flies into the back, where the slobbery dog SNAPS at him. Barry deftly avoids the jaws and gross, flying SPITTLE. MOTHER Nobody move. If you don’t move, he won’t sting you. Freeze! Everyone in the car freezes. Barry freezes. They stare at each other, eyes going back and forth, waiting to see who will make the first move. Barry blinks. GRANNY He blinked! Granny pulls out a can of HAIR SPRAY. SON Spray him, Granny! Granny sprays the hair spray everywhere. FATHER What are you doing? GRANNY It’s hair spray! Extra hold! MOTHER Kill it! Barry gets sprayed back by the hair spray, then sucked out of the sunroof. CUT TO: "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 29. EXT. CITY STREET - CONTINUOUS BARRY Wow. The tension level out here is unbelievable. I’ve got to get home. As Barry flies down the street, it starts to RAIN. He nimbly avoids the rain at first. BARRY (CONT’D) Whoa. Whoa! Can’t fly in rain! Can’t fly in rain! Can’t fly in-- A couple of drops hit him, his wings go limp and he starts falling. BARRY (CONT'D) Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Barry sees a window ledge and aims for it and just makes it. Shivering and exhausted, he crawls into an open window as it CLOSES. SEQ. 1100 - “VANESSA SAVES BARRY” INT. VANESSA’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Inside the window, Barry SHAKES off the rain like a dog. Vanessa, Ken, Andy, and Anna ENTER the apartment. VANESSA Ken, can you close the window please? KEN Huh? Oh. (to Andy) Hey, check out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? It folds out. Ken holds up his brochure, with photos of himself, and a resume in the middle. ANGLE ON: Barry hiding behind the curtains, as Ken CLOSES THE WINDOW. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 30. BARRY Oh no, more humans. I don’t need this. Barry HOVERS up into the air and THROWS himself into the glass. BARRY (CONT’D) (dazed) Ow! What was that? He does it again, and then multiple more times. BARRY (CONT'D) Maybe this time...this time, this time, this time, this time, this time, this time, this time. Barry JUMPS onto the drapes. BARRY (CONT'D) (out of breath) Drapes! (then, re: glass) That is diabolical. KEN It’s fantastic. It’s got all my special skills, even my top ten favorite movies. ANDY What’s your number one? Star Wars? KEN Ah, I don’t go for that, (makes Star Wars noises), kind of stuff. ANGLE ON: Barry. BARRY No wonder we’re not supposed to talk to them. They’re out of their minds. KEN When I walk out of a job interview they’re flabbergasted. They can’t believe the things I say. Barry looks around and sees the LIGHT BULB FIXTURE in the middle of the ceiling. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 31. BARRY (re: light bulb) Oh, there’s the sun. Maybe that’s a way out. Barry takes off and heads straight for the light bulb. His POV: The seventy-five watt label grows as he gets closer. BARRY (CONT’D) I don’t remember the sun having a big seventy five on it. Barry HITS the bulb and is KNOCKED SILLY. He falls into a BOWL OF GUACAMOLE. Andy dips his chip in the guacamole, taking Barry with it. ANGLE ON: Ken and Andy. KEN I’ll tell you what. You know what? I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Barry’s POV: Giant human mouth opening. KEN (CONT’D) Wait! Stop! Beeeeeee! ANNA Kill it! Kill it! They all JUMP up from their chairs. Andy looks around for something to use. Ken comes in for the kill with a big TIMBERLAND BOOT on each hand. KEN Stand back. These are winter boots. Vanessa ENTERS, and stops Ken from squashing Barry. VANESSA (grabs Ken’s arm) Wait. Don’t kill him. CLOSE UP: on Barry’s puzzled face. KEN You know I’m allergic to them. This thing could kill me. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 32. VANESSA Why does his life have any less value than yours? She takes a GLASS TUMBLER and places it over Barry. KEN Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? VANESSA I’m just saying, all life has value. You don’t know what he’s capable of feeling. Barry looks up through the glass and watches this conversation, astounded. Vanessa RIPS Ken’s resume in half and SLIDES it under the glass. KEN (wistful) My brochure. There’s a moment of eye contact as she carries Barry to the window. She opens it and sets him free. VANESSA There you go, little guy. KEN (O.C) I’m not scared of them. But, you know, it’s an allergic thing. ANDY (O.C) * Hey, why don’t you put that on your * resume-brochure? * KEN (O.C) It’s not funny, my whole face could puff up. ANDY (O.C) Make it one of your “Special Skills.” KEN (O.C) You know, knocking someone out is also a special skill. CUT TO: "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 33. EXT. WINDOWSILL - CONTINUOUS Barry stares over the window frame. He can’t believe what’s just happened. It is still RAINING. DISSOLVE TO: SEQ. 1200 - “BARRY SPEAKS” EXT. WINDOWSILL - LATER Barry is still staring through the window. Inside, everyone’s saying their good-byes. KEN Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? VANESSA Uh, yeah sure Ken. You know, whatever. KEN You can put carob chips on there. VANESSA Good night. KEN (as he exits) Supposed to be less calories, or something. VANESSA Bye. She shuts the door. Vanessa starts cleaning up. BARRY I’ve got to say something. She saved my life. I’ve got to say something. Alright, here it goes. Barry flies in. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 34. INT. VANESSA’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Barry hides himself on different PRODUCTS placed along the kitchen shelves. He hides on a Bumblebee Tuna can, and a “Greetings From Coney Island” MUSCLE-MAN POSTCARD on the fridge. BARRY (on fridge) What would I say? (landing on a bottle) I could really get in trouble. He stands looking at Vanessa. BARRY (CONT'D) It’s a bee law. You’re not supposed to talk to a human. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’ve got to. Oh, I can’t do it! Come on! No, yes, no, do it! I can’t. How should I start it? You like jazz? No, that’s no good. Here she comes. Speak, you fool. As Vanessa walks by, Barry takes a DEEP BREATH. BARRY (CONT’D) (cheerful) Umm...hi. Vanessa DROPS A STACK OF DISHES, and HOPS BACK. BARRY (CONT’D) I’m sorry. VANESSA You’re talking. BARRY Yes, I know, I know. VANESSA You’re talking. BARRY I know, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. VANESSA It’s okay. It’s fine. It’s just, I know I’m dreaming, but I don’t recall going to bed. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 35. BARRY Well, you know I’m sure this is very disconcerting. VANESSA Well yeah. I mean this is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean...you’re a bee. BARRY Yeah, I am a bee, and you know I’m not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me and if it wasn’t for you...I mean, I had to thank you. It’s just the way I was raised. Vanessa intentionally JABS her hand with a FORK. VANESSA Ow! BARRY That was a little weird. VANESSA (to herself) I’m talking to a bee. BARRY Yeah. VANESSA I’m talking to a bee. BARRY Anyway... VANESSA And a bee is talking to me... BARRY I just want you to know that I’m grateful, and I’m going to leave now. VANESSA Wait, wait, wait, wait, how did you learn to do that? BARRY What? "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 36. VANESSA The talking thing. BARRY Same way you did, I guess. Mama, Dada, honey, you pick it up. VANESSA That’s very funny. BARRY Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn’t laugh, we’d cry. With what we have to deal with. Vanessa LAUGHS. BARRY (CONT’D) Anyway. VANESSA Can I, uh, get you something? BARRY Like what? VANESSA I don’t know. I mean, I don’t know. Coffee? BARRY Well, uh, I don’t want to put you out. VANESSA It’s no trouble. BARRY Unless you’re making anyway. VANESSA Oh, it takes two minutes. BARRY Really? VANESSA It’s just coffee. BARRY I hate to impose. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 37. VANESSA Don’t be ridiculous. BARRY Actually, I would love a cup. VANESSA Hey, you want a little rum cake? BARRY I really shouldn’t. VANESSA Have a little rum cake. BARRY No, no, no, I can’t. VANESSA Oh, come on. BARRY You know, I’m trying to lose a couple micrograms here. VANESSA Where? BARRY Well... These stripes don’t help. VANESSA You look great. BARRY I don’t know if you know anything about fashion. Vanessa starts POURING the coffee through an imaginary cup and directly onto the floor. BARRY (CONT'D) Are you alright? VANESSA No. DISSOLVE TO: SEQ. 1300 - “ROOFTOP COFFEE” "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 38. EXT. VANESSA’S ROOF - LATER Barry and Vanessa are drinking coffee on her roof terrace. He is perched on her keychain. BARRY ...He can’t get a taxi. He’s making the tie in the cab, as they’re flying up Madison. So he finally gets there. VANESSA Uh huh? BARRY He runs up the steps into the church, the wedding is on... VANESSA Yeah? BARRY ...and he says, watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. VANESSA Uh huh? BARRY Why would I marry a watermelon? Barry laughs. Vanessa doesn’t. VANESSA Oh! Is that, uh, a bee joke? BARRY Yeah, that’s the kind of stuff that we do. VANESSA Yeah, different. A BEAT. VANESSA (CONT’D) So anyway...what are you going to do, Barry? "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 39. BARRY About work? I don’t know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can’t do it the way they want. VANESSA I know how you feel. BARRY You do? VANESSA Sure, my parents wanted me to be a lawyer or doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. BARRY Really? VANESSA My only interest is flowers. BARRY Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. VANESSA Oh. BARRY Anyway, see there’s my hive, right there. You can see it. VANESSA Oh, you’re in Sheep Meadow. BARRY (excited) Yes! You know the turtle pond? VANESSA Yes? BARRY I’m right off of that. VANESSA Oh, no way. I know that area. Do you know I lost a toe-ring there once? BARRY Really? "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 40. VANESSA Yes. BARRY Why do girls put rings on their toes? VANESSA Why not? BARRY I don’t know. It’s like putting a hat on your knee. VANESSA Really? Okay. A JANITOR in the background changes a LIGHTBULB. To him, it appears that Vanessa is talking to an imaginary friend. JANITOR You all right, ma’am? VANESSA Oh, yeah, fine. Just having two cups of coffee. BARRY Anyway, this has been great. (wiping his mouth) Thanks for the coffee. Barry gazes at Vanessa. VANESSA Oh yeah, it’s no trouble. BARRY Sorry I couldn’t finish it. Vanessa giggles. BARRY (CONT'D) (re: coffee) If I did, I’d be up the rest of my life. Ummm. Can I take a piece of this with me? VANESSA Sure. Here, have a crumb. She takes a CRUMB from the plate and hands it to Barry. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 41. BARRY (a little dreamy) Oh, thanks. VANESSA Yeah. There is an awkward pause. BARRY Alright, well then, I guess I’ll see you around, or not, or... VANESSA Okay Barry. BARRY And thank you so much again, for before. VANESSA Oh that? BARRY Yeah. VANESSA Oh, that was nothing. BARRY Well, not nothing, but, anyway... Vanessa extends her hand, and shakes Barry’s gingerly. The Janitor watches. The lightbulb shorts out. The Janitor FALLS. CUT TO: SEQ. 1400 - “HONEX” INT. HONEX BUILDING - NEXT DAY ANGLE ON: A TEST BEE WEARING A PARACHUTE is in a wind tunnel, hovering through increasingly heavy wind. SIGNS UNDER A FLASHING LIGHT READ: “Test In Progress” & “Hurricane Survival Test”. 2 BEES IN A LAB COATS are observing behind glass. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 42. LAB COAT BEE 1 This can’t possibly work. LAB COAT BEE 2 Well, he’s all set to go, we may as well try it. (into the mic) Okay Dave, pull the chute. The test bee opens his parachute. He’s instantly blown against the rear wall. Adam and Barry ENTER. ADAM Sounds amazing. BARRY Oh, it was amazing. It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. ADAM Humans! Humans! I can’t believe you were with humans! Giant scary humans! What were they like? BARRY Huge and crazy. They talk crazy, they eat crazy giant things. They drive around real crazy. ADAM And do they try and kill you like on TV? BARRY Some of them. But some of them don’t. ADAM How’d you get back? BARRY Poodle. ADAM Look, you did it. And I’m glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see out there, you had your “experience”, and now you’re back, you can pick out your job, and everything can be normal. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 43. ANGLE ON: LAB BEES examining a CANDY CORN through a microscope. BARRY Well... ADAM Well? BARRY Well, I met someone. ADAM You met someone? Was she Bee-ish? BARRY Mmm. ADAM Not a WASP? Your parents will kill you. BARRY No, no, no, not a wasp. ADAM Spider? BARRY You know, I’m not attracted to the spiders. I know to everyone else it’s like the hottest thing with the eight legs and all. I can’t get by that face. Barry makes a spider face. ADAM So, who is she? BARRY She’s a human. ADAM Oh no, no, no, no. That didn’t happen. You didn’t do that. That is a bee law. You wouldn’t break a bee law. BARRY Her name’s Vanessa. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 44. ADAM Oh, oh boy! BARRY She’s so-o nice. And she’s a florist! ADAM Oh, no. No, no, no! You’re dating a human florist? BARRY We’re not dating. ADAM You’re flying outside the hive. You’re talking to human beings that attack our homes with power washers and M-80’s. That’s 1/8 of a stick of dynamite. BARRY She saved my life. And she understands me. ADAM This is over. Barry pulls out the crumb. BARRY Eat this. Barry stuffs the crumb into Adam’s face. ADAM This is not over. What was that? BARRY They call it a crumb. ADAM That was SO STINGING STRIPEY! BARRY And that’s not even what they eat. That just falls off what they eat. Do you know what a Cinnabon is? ADAM No. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 45. BARRY It’s bread... ADAM Come in here! BARRY and cinnamon, ADAM Be quiet! BARRY and frosting...they heat it up-- ADAM Sit down! INT. ADAM’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS BARRY Really hot! ADAM Listen to me! We are not them. We’re us. There’s us and there’s them. BARRY Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning... Barry rolls his chair down the corridor. ADAM There’s no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me. You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. ANOTHER BEE JOINS IN. ANOTHER BEE Thinking bee. WIDER SHOT AS A 3RD BEE ENTERS, popping up over the cubicle wall. 3RD BEE Thinking bee. EVEN WIDER SHOT AS ALL THE BEES JOIN IN. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 46. OTHER BEES Thinking bee. Thinking bee. Thinking bee. CUT TO: SEQ. 1500 - “POOLSIDE NAGGING” EXT. BACKYARD PARENT’S HOUSE - DAY Barry sits on a RAFT in a hexagon honey pool, legs dangling into the water. Janet Benson and Martin Benson stand over him wearing big, sixties sunglasses and cabana-type outfits. The sun shines brightly behind their heads. JANET BENSON (O.C) There he is. He’s in the pool. MARTIN BENSON You know what your problem is, Barry? BARRY I’ve got to start thinking bee? MARTIN BENSON Barry, how much longer is this going to go on? It’s been three days. I don’t understand why you’re not working. BARRY Well, I’ve got a lot of big life decisions I’m thinking about. MARTIN BENSON What life? You have no life! You have no job! You’re barely a bee! Barry throws his hands in the air. BARRY Augh. JANET BENSON Would it kill you to just make a little honey? Barry ROLLS off the raft and SINKS to the bottom of the pool. We hear his parents’ MUFFLED VOICES from above the surface. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 47. JANET BENSON (CONT'D) (muffled) Barry, come out from under there. Your father’s talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? MARTIN BENSON Barry, I’m talking to you. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. PICNIC AREA - DAY MUSIC: “Sugar Sugar” by the Archies. Barry and Vanessa are having a picnic. A MOSQUITO lands on Vanessa’s leg. She SWATS it violently. Barry’s head whips around, aghast. They stare at each other awkwardly in a frozen moment, then BURST INTO HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER. Vanessa GETS UP. VANESSA You coming? BARRY Got everything? VANESSA All set. Vanessa gets into a one-man Ultra Light plane with a black and yellow paint scheme. She puts on her helmet. BARRY You go ahead, I’ll catch up. VANESSA (come hither wink) Don’t be too long. The Ultra Light takes off. Barry catches up. They fly sideby-side. VANESSA (CONT’D) Watch this! Vanessa does a loop, and FLIES right into the side of a mountain, BURSTING into a huge ball of flames. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 48. BARRY (yelling, anguished) Vanessa! EXT. BARRY’S PARENT’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS ANGLE ON: Barry’s face bursting through the surface of the pool, GASPING for air, eyes opening in horror. MARTIN BENSON We’re still here, Barry. JANET BENSON I told you not to yell at him. He doesn’t respond when you yell at him. MARTIN BENSON Then why are you yelling at me? JANET BENSON Because you don’t listen. MARTIN BENSON I’m not listening to this. Barry is toweling off, putting on his sweater. BARRY Sorry Mom, I’ve got to go. JANET BENSON Where are you going? BARRY Nowhere. I’m meeting a friend. Barry JUMPS off the balcony and EXITS. JANET BENSON (calling after him) A girl? Is this why you can’t decide? BARRY Bye! JANET BENSON I just hope she’s Bee-ish. CUT TO: "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 49. SEQ. 1700 - “STREETWALK/SUPERMARKET” EXT. VANESSA’S FLORIST SHOP - DAY Vanessa FLIPS the sign to say “Sorry We Missed You”, and locks the door. ANGLE ON: A POSTER on Vanessa’s door for the Tournament of Roses Parade in Pasadena. BARRY So they have a huge parade of just flowers every year in Pasadena? VANESSA Oh, to be in the Tournament of Roses, that’s every florist’s dream. Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. BARRY Wow, a tournament. Do the roses actually compete in athletic events? VANESSA No. Alright, I’ve got one. How come you don’t fly everywhere? BARRY It’s exhausting. Why don’t you run everywhere? VANESSA Hmmm. BARRY Isn’t that faster? VANESSA Yeah, okay. I see, I see. Alright, your turn. Barry and Vanessa walk/fly down a New York side street, no other pedestrians near them. BARRY Ah! Tivo. You can just freeze live TV? That’s insane. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 50. VANESSA What, you don’t have anything like that? BARRY We have Hivo, but it’s a disease. It’s a horrible, horrible disease. VANESSA Oh my. They turn the corner onto a busier avenue and people start to swat at Barry. MAN Dumb bees! VANESSA You must just want to sting all those jerks. BARRY We really try not to sting. It’s usually fatal for us. VANESSA So you really have to watch your temper? They ENTER a SUPERMARKET. CUT TO: INT. SUPERMARKET BARRY Oh yeah, very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. You work through it like any emotion-- anger, jealousy, (under his breath) lust. Barry hops on top of some cardboard boxes in the middle of an aisle. A stock boy, HECTOR, whacks him with a rolled up magazine. VANESSA (to Barry) Oh my goodness. Are you okay? "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 51. BARRY Yeah. Whew! Vanessa WHACKS Hector over the head with the magazine. VANESSA (to Hector) What is wrong with you?! HECTOR It’s a bug. VANESSA Well he’s not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep. Vanessa pushes him, and Hector EXITS, muttering. BARRY (shaking it off) What was that, a Pick and Save circular? VANESSA Yeah, it was. How did you know? BARRY It felt like about ten pages. Seventy-five’s pretty much our limit. VANESSA Boy, you’ve really got that down to a science. BARRY Oh, we have to. I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. VANESSA I’ll bet. Barry stops, sees the wall of honey jars. BARRY What, in the name of Mighty Hercules, is this? How did this get here? Cute Bee? Golden Blossom? Ray Liotta Private Select? VANESSA Is he that actor? "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 52. BARRY I never heard of him. Why is this here? VANESSA For people. We eat it. BARRY Why? (gesturing around the market) You don’t have enough food of your own? VANESSA Well yes, we-- BARRY How do you even get it? VANESSA Well, bees make it... BARRY I know who makes it! And it’s hard to make it! There’s Heating and Cooling, and Stirring...you need a whole Krelman thing. VANESSA It’s organic. BARRY It’s our-ganic! VANESSA It’s just honey, Barry. BARRY Just...what?! Bees don’t know about this. This is stealing. A lot of stealing! You’ve taken our homes, our schools, our hospitals. This is all we have. And it’s on sale? I’m going to get to the bottom of this. I’m going to get to the bottom of all of this! He RIPS the label off the Ray Liotta Private Select. CUT TO: "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 53. SEQ. 1800 - “WINDSHIELD” EXT. BACK OF SUPERMARKET LOADING DOCK - LATER THAT DAY Barry disguises himself by blacking out his yellow lines with a MAGIC MARKER and putting on some war paint. He sees Hector, the stock boy, with a knife CUTTING open cardboard boxes filled with honey jars. MAN You almost done? HECTOR Almost. Barry steps in some honey, making a SNAPPING noise. Hector stops and turns. HECTOR (CONT’D) He is here. I sense it. Hector grabs his BOX CUTTER. Barry REACTS, hides himself behind the box again. HECTOR (CONT’D) (talking too loud, to no one in particular) Well, I guess I’ll go home now, and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. A BEAT. Hector pretends to exit. He takes a couple of steps in place. ANGLE ON: The honey jar. Barry steps out into a moody spotlight. BARRY You’re busted, box boy! HECTOR Ah ha! I knew I heard something. So, you can talk. Barry flies up, stinger out, pushing Hector up against the wall. As Hector backs up, he drops his knife. BARRY Oh, I can talk. And now you’re going to start talking. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 54. Where are you getting all the sweet stuff? Who’s your supplier?! HECTOR I don’t know what you’re talking about. I thought we were all friends. The last thing we want to do is upset any of you...bees! Hector grabs a PUSHPIN. Barry fences with his stinger. HECTOR (CONT’D) You’re too late. It’s ours now! BARRY You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword. HECTOR You, sir, are about to be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Barry and Hector get into a cross-swords, nose-to-nose confrontation. BARRY Where is the honey coming from? Barry knocks the pushpin out of his hand. Barry puts his stinger up to Hector’s nose. BARRY (CONT'D) Tell me where?! HECTOR (pointing to a truck) Honey Farms. It comes from Honey Farms. ANGLE ON: A Honey Farms truck leaving the parking lot. Barry turns, takes off after the truck through an alley. He follows the truck out onto a busy street, dodging a bus, and several cabs. CABBIE Crazy person! He flies through a metal pipe on the top of a truck. BARRY OOOHHH! "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 55. BARRY (CONT'D) Barry grabs onto a bicycle messenger’s backpack. The honey farms truck starts to pull away. Barry uses the bungee cord to slingshot himself towards the truck. He lands on the windshield, where the wind plasters him to the glass. He looks up to find himself surrounded by what appear to be DEAD BUGS. He climbs across, working his way around the bodies. BARRY (CONT’D) Oh my. What horrible thing has happened here? Look at these faces. They never knew what hit them. And now they’re on the road to nowhere. A MOSQUITO opens his eyes. MOOSEBLOOD Pssst! Just keep still. BARRY What? You’re not dead? MOOSEBLOOD Do I look dead? Hey man, they will wipe anything that moves. Now, where are you headed? BARRY To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. MOOSEBLOOD I’m going to Alaska. Moose blood. Crazy stuff. Blows your head off. LADYBUG I’m going to Tacoma. BARRY (to fly) What about you? MOOSEBLOOD He really is dead. BARRY Alright. The WIPER comes towards them. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 56. MOOSEBLOOD Uh oh. BARRY What is that? MOOSEBLOOD Oh no! It’s a wiper, triple blade! BARRY Triple blade? MOOSEBLOOD Jump on. It’s your only chance, bee. They hang on as the wiper goes back and forth. MOOSEBLOOD (CONT'D) (yelling to the truck driver through the glass) Why does everything have to be so dog-gone clean?! How much do you people need to see? Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! CUT TO: INT. TRUCK CAB SFX: Radio. RADIO VOICE For NPR News in Washington, I’m Carl Kasell. EXT. TRUCK WINDSHIELD MOOSEBLOOD But don’t kill no more bugs! The Mosquito is FLUNG off of the wiper. MOOSEBLOOD (CONT'D) Beeeeeeeeeeeeee! BARRY Moose blood guy! "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 57. Barry slides toward the end of the wiper, is thrown off, but he grabs the AERIAL and hangs on for dear life. Barry looks across and sees a CRICKET on another vehicle in the exact same predicament. They look at each other and SCREAM in unison. BARRY AND CRICKET Aaaaaaaaaah! ANOTHER BUG grabs onto the aerial, and screams as well. INT. TRUCK CAB - SAME TIME DRIVER You hear something? TRUCKER PASSENGER Like what? DRIVER Like tiny screaming. TRUCKER PASSENGER Turn off the radio. The driver reaches down and PRESSES a button, lowering the aerial. EXT. TRUCK WINDSHIELD - SAME TIME Barry and the other bug do a “choose up” to the bottom, Barry wins. BARRY Aha! Then he finally has to let go and gets thrown into the truck horn atop cab. Mooseblood is inside. MOOSEBLOOD Hey, what’s up bee boy? BARRY Hey, Blood! DISSOLVE TO: "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 58. INT. TRUCK HORN - LATER BARRY ...and it was just an endless row of honey jars as far as the eye could see. MOOSEBLOOD Wow. BARRY So I’m just assuming wherever this honey truck goes, that’s where they’re getting it. I mean, that honey’s ours! MOOSEBLOOD Bees hang tight. BARRY Well, we’re all jammed in there. It’s a close community. MOOSEBLOOD Not us, man. We’re on our own. Every mosquito is on his own. BARRY But what if you get in trouble? MOOSEBLOOD Trouble? You're a mosquito. You're in trouble! Nobody likes us. They’re just all smacking. People see a mosquito, smack, smack! BARRY At least you’re out in the world. You must meet a lot of girls. MOOSEBLOOD Mosquito girls try to trade up; get with a moth, dragonfly...mosquito girl don’t want no mosquito. A BLOOD MOBILE pulls up alongside. MOOSEBLOOD (CONT'D) Whoa, you have got to be kidding me. Mooseblood’s about to leave the building. So long bee. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 59. Mooseblood EXITS the horn, and jumps onto the blood mobile. MOOSEBLOOD (CONT'D) Hey guys. I knew I’d catch you all down here. Did you bring your crazy straws? CUT TO: SEQ. 1900 - “THE APIARY” EXT. APIARY - LATER Barry sees a SIGN, “Honey Farms” The truck comes to a stop. SFX: The Honey farms truck blares its horn. Barry flies out, lands on the hood. ANGLE ON: Two BEEKEEPERS, FREDDY and ELMO, walking around to the back of the gift shop. Barry follows them, and lands in a nearby tree FREDDY ...then we throw it in some jars, slap a label on it, and it’s pretty much pure profit. BARRY What is this place? ELMO Bees got a brain the size of a pinhead. FREDDY They are pinheads. The both LAUGH. ANGLE ON: Barry REACTING. They arrive at the back of the shop where one of them opens a SMOKER BOX. FREDDY (CONT’D) Hey, check out the new smoker. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 60. ELMO Oh, Sweet. That’s the one you want. FREDDY The Thomas 3000. BARRY Smoker? FREDDY 90 puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. They LAUGH again, nefariously. FREDDY (CONT’D) Couple of breaths of this, and it knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. BARRY “They make the honey, and we make the money?” Barry climbs onto the netting of Freddy’s hat. He climbs up to the brim and looks over the edge. He sees the apiary boxes as Freddy SMOKES them. BARRY (CONT'D) Oh my. As Freddy turns around, Barry jumps into an open apiary box, and into an apartment. HOWARD and FRAN are just coming to from the smoking. BARRY (CONT’D) What’s going on? Are you okay? HOWARD Yeah, it doesn’t last too long. HE COUGHS a few times. BARRY How did you two get here? Do you know you’re in a fake hive with fake walls? HOWARD (pointing to a picture on the wall) "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 61. Our queen was moved here, we had no choice. BARRY (looking at a picture on the wall) This is your queen? That’s a man in women’s clothes. That’s a dragqueen! The other wall opens. Barry sees the hundreds of apiary boxes. BARRY (CONT'D) What is this? Barry pulls out his camera, and starts snapping. BARRY (CONT’D) Oh no. There’s hundreds of them. (V.O, as Barry takes pictures) Bee honey, our honey, is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale. CUT TO: SEQ. 2100 - “BARRY TELLS FAMILY” INT. BARRY’S PARENT’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - LATER Barry has assembled his parents, Adam, and Uncle Carl. BARRY This is worse than anything the bears have done to us. And I intend to do something about it. JANET BENSON Oh Barry, stop. MARTIN BENSON Who told you that humans are taking our honey? That’s just a rumor. BARRY Do these look like rumors? Barry throws the PICTURES on the table. Uncle Carl, cleaning his glasses with his shirt tail, digs through a bowl of nuts with his finger. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 62. HOWARD (CONT'D) UNCLE CARL That’s a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. JANET BENSON Barry, how did you get mixed up in all this? ADAM (jumping up) Because he’s been talking to humans! JANET BENSON Whaaat? MARTIN BENSON Talking to humans?! Oh Barry. ADAM He has a human girlfriend and they make out! JANET BENSON Make out? Barry? BARRY We do not. ADAM You wish you could. BARRY Who’s side are you on? ADAM The bees! Uncle Carl stands up and pulls his pants up to his chest. UNCLE CARL I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Man, those crazy legs kept me up all night. Hotcheewah! JANET BENSON Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? BARRY This is what I want to do for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 63. Dad, I remember you coming home some nights so overworked, your hands were still stirring. You couldn’t stop them. MARTIN BENSON Ehhh... JANET BENSON (to Martin) I remember that. BARRY What right do they have to our hardearned honey? We’re living on two cups a year. They’re putting it in lip balm for no reason what-soever. MARTIN BENSON Even if it’s true, Barry, what could one bee do? BARRY I’m going to sting them where it really hurts. MARTIN BENSON In the face? BARRY No. MARTIN BENSON In the eye? That would really hurt. BARRY No. MARTIN BENSON Up the nose? That’s a killer. BARRY No. There’s only one place you can sting the humans. One place where it really matters. CUT TO: SEQ. 2300 - “HIVE AT 5 NEWS/BEE LARRY KING” "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 64. BARRY (CONT'D) INT. NEWS STUDIO - DAY DRAMATIC NEWS MUSIC plays as the opening news sequence rolls. We see the “Hive at Five” logo, followed by shots of past news events: A BEE freeway chase, a BEE BEARD protest rally, and a BEAR pawing at the hive as the BEES flee in panic. BOB BUMBLE (V.O.) Hive at Five, the hive’s only full hour action news source... SHOTS of NEWSCASTERS flash up on screen. BOB BUMBLE (V.O.) (CONT'D) With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk... BOB has a big shock of anchorman hair, gray temples and overly white teeth. BOB BUMBLE (V.O.) (CONT'D) ...weather with Storm Stinger, sports with Buzz Larvi, and Jeanette Chung. JEANETTE is an Asian bee. BOB BUMBLE (CONT'D) Good evening, I’m Bob Bumble. JEANETTE CHUNG And I’m Jeanette Chung. BOB BUMBLE Our top story, a tri-county bee, Barry Benson... INSERT: Barry’s graduation picture. BOB BUMBLE (CONT'D) ...is saying he intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it, and profiting from it illegally. CUT TO: "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 65. INT. BEENN STUDIO - BEE LARRY KING LIVE BEE LARRY KING, wearing suspenders and glasses, is interviewing Barry. A LOWER-THIRD CHYRON reads: “Bee Larry King Live.” BEE LARRY KING Don’t forget, tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we are going to have three former Queens all right here in our studio discussing their new book, “Classy Ladies,” out this week on Hexagon. (to Barry) Tonight, we’re talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, I’m just a kid from the hive, I can’t do this? BARRY Larry, bees have never been afraid to change the world. I mean, what about Bee-Columbus? Bee-Ghandi? Be-geesus? BEE LARRY KING Well, where I’m from you wouldn’t think of suing humans. We were thinking more like stick ball, candy stores. BARRY How old are you? BEE LARRY KING I want you to know that the entire bee community is supporting you in this case, which is certain to be the trial of the bee century. BARRY Thank you, Larry. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world, too. BEE LARRY KING It’s a common name. Next week on Bee Larry King... "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 66. BARRY No, I mean he looks like you. And he has a show with suspenders and different colored dots behind him. BEE LARRY KING Next week on Bee Larry King... BARRY Old guy glasses, and there’s quotes along the bottom from the guest you’re watching even though you just heard them... BEE LARRY KING Bear week next week! They’re scary, they’re hairy, and they’re here live. Bee Larry King EXITS. BARRY Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes... (lights go out) Very Jewish. CUT TO: SEQ. 2400 - “FLOWER SHOP” INT. VANESSA’S FLOWER SHOP - NIGHT Stacks of law books are piled up, legal forms, etc. Vanessa is talking with Ken in the other room. KEN Look, in tennis, you attack at the point of weakness. VANESSA But it was my grandmother, Ken. She’s 81. KEN Honey, her backhand’s a joke. I’m not going to take advantage of that? "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 67. BARRY (O.C) Quiet please. Actual work going on here. KEN Is that that same bee? BARRY (O.C) Yes it is. VANESSA I’m helping him sue the human race. KEN What? Barry ENTERS. BARRY Oh, hello. KEN Hello Bee. Barry flies over to Vanessa. VANESSA This is Ken. BARRY Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size 10 1/2, Vibram sole I believe. KEN Why does he talk again, Hun? VANESSA (to Ken, sensing the tension) Listen, you’d better go because we’re really busy working. KEN But it’s our yogurt night. VANESSA (pushing him out the door) Oh...bye bye. She CLOSES the door. KEN Why is yogurt night so difficult?! "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 68. Vanessa ENTERS the back room carrying coffee. VANESSA Oh you poor thing, you two have been at this for hours. BARRY Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. ANGLE ON: A EMPTY CINNABON BOX with Adam asleep inside, covered in frosting. VANESSA How many sugars? BARRY Just one. I try not to use the competition. So, why are you helping me, anyway? VANESSA Bees have good qualities. BARRY (rowing on the sugar cube like a gondola) Si, Certo. VANESSA And it feels good to take my mind off the shop. I don’t know why, instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. BARRY Yeah, those are great...if you’re 3. VANESSA And artificial flowers. BARRY (re: plastic flowers) Oh, they just get me psychotic! VANESSA Yeah, me too. BARRY The bent stingers, the pointless pollination. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 69. VANESSA Bees must hate those fake plastic things. BARRY There’s nothing worse than a daffodil that’s had work done. VANESSA (holding up the lawsuit documents) Well, maybe this can make up for it a little bit. CUT TO: EXT. VANESSA’S FLORIST SHOP They EXIT the store, and cross to the mailbox. VANESSA You know Barry, this lawsuit is a pretty big deal. BARRY I guess. VANESSA Are you sure that you want to go through with it? BARRY Am I sure? (kicking the envelope into the mailbox) When I’m done with the humans, they won’t be able to say, “Honey, I’m home,” without paying a royalty. CUT TO: SEQ. 2700 - “MEET MONTGOMERY” EXT. MANHATTAN COURTHOUSE - DAY P.O.V SHOT - A camera feed turns on, revealing a newsperson. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 70. PRESS PERSON #2 (talking to camera) Sarah, it’s an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan where all eyes and ears of the world are anxiously waiting, because for the first time in history, we’re going to hear for ourselves if a honey bee can actually speak. ANGLE ON: Barry, Vanessa, and Adam getting out of the cab. The press spots Barry and Vanessa and pushes in. Adam sits on Vanessa’s shoulder. INT. COURTHOUSE - CONTINUOUS Barry, Vanessa, and Adam sit at the Plaintiff’s Table. VANESSA (turns to Barry) What have we gotten into here, Barry? BARRY I don’t know, but it’s pretty big, isn’t it? ADAM I can’t believe how many humans don’t have to be at work during the day. BARRY Hey, you think these billion dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? CUT TO: EXT. COURTHOUSE STEPS - CONTINUOUS A BIG BLACK CAR pulls up. ANGLE ON: the grill filling the frame. We see the “L.T.M” monogram on the hood ornament. The defense lawyer, LAYTON T. MONTGOMERY comes out, squashing a bug on the pavement. CUT TO: "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 71. INT. COURTHOUSE - CONTINUOUS Barry SHUDDERS. VANESSA What’s the matter? BARRY I don’t know. I just got a chill. Montgomery ENTERS. He walks by Barry’s table shaking a honey packet. MONTGOMERY Well, if it isn’t the B-Team. (re: the honey packet) Any of you boys work on this? He CHUCKLES. The JUDGE ENTERS. SEQ. 3000 - “WITNESSES” BAILIFF All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. JUDGE (shuffling papers) Alright...Case number 4475, Superior Court of New York. Barry Bee Benson vs. the honey industry, is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you are representing the five major food companies, collectively. ANGLE ON: Montgomery’s BRIEFCASE. It has an embossed emblem of an EAGLE, holding a gavel in one talon and a briefcase in the other. MONTGOMERY A privilege. JUDGE Mr. Benson. Barry STANDS. JUDGE (CONT’D) You are representing all bees of the world? "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 72. Montgomery, the stenographer, and the jury lean in. CUT TO: EXT. COURTHOUSE - CONTINUOUS The spectators outside freeze. The helicopters angle forward to listen closely. CUT TO: INT. COURTHOUSE BARRY Bzzz bzzz bzzz...Ahh, I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Yes, your honor. We are ready to proceed. ANGLE ON: Courtroom hub-bub. JUDGE And Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Montgomery rises. MONTGOMERY (grumbles, clears his throat) Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. My grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we were to live in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what it would mean. Maybe I would have to negotiate with the silk worm for the elastic in my britches. Talking bee. How do we know this isn’t some sort of holographic motion picture capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams, robotics, ventriloquism, cloning...for all we know he could be on steroids! Montgomery leers at Barry, who moves to the stand. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 73. JUDGE Mr. Benson? Barry makes his opening statement. BARRY Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, there’s no trickery here. I’m just an ordinary bee. And as a bee, honey’s pretty important to me. It’s important to all bees. We invented it, we make it, and we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take whatever they want from us cause we’re the little guys. And what I’m hoping is that after this is all over, you’ll see how by taking our honey, you’re not only taking away everything we have, but everything we are. ANGLE ON: Vanessa smiling. ANGLE ON: The BEE GALLERY wiping tears away. CUT TO: INT. BENSON HOUSE Barry’s family is watching the case on TV. JANET BENSON Oh, I wish he would dress like that all the time. So nice... CUT TO: INT. COURTROOM - LATER JUDGE Call your first witness. CUT TO: "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 74. INT. COURTHOUSE - LATER BARRY So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms. Pretty big company you have there? MR. VANDERHAYDEN I suppose so. BARRY And I see you also own HoneyBurton, and Hon-Ron. MR. VANDERHAYDEN Yes. They provide beekeepers for our farms. BARRY Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term, I have to say. I don’t imagine you employ any bee free-ers, do you? MR. VANDERHAYDEN No. BARRY I’m sorry. I couldn’t hear you. MR. VANDERHAYDEN (louder) No. BARRY No. Because you don’t free bees. You keep bees. And not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey? MR. VANDERHAYDEN Well, they’re very lovable creatures. Yogi-bear, Fozzy-bear, Build-a-bear. BARRY Yeah, you mean like this?! Vanessa and the SUPERINTENDANT from her building ENTER with a GIANT FEROCIOUS GRIZZLY BEAR. He has a neck collar and chains extending from either side. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 75. By pulling the chains, they bring him directly in front of Vanderhayden. The bear LUNGES and ROARS. BARRY (CONT'D) Bears kill bees! How would you like his big hairy head crashing into your living room? Biting into your couch, spitting out your throwpillows...rowr, rowr! The bear REACTS. BEAR Rowr!! BARRY Okay, that’s enough. Take him away. Vanessa and the Superintendant pull the bear out of the courtroom. Vanderhayden TREMBLES. The judge GLARES at him. CUT TO: INT. COURTROOM- A LITTLE LATER Barry questions STING. BARRY So, Mr. Sting. Thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me, I have to say. Where have I heard it before? STING I was with a band called "The Police". BARRY But you've never been a police officer of any kind, have you? STING No, I haven't. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 76. BARRY No, you haven’t. And so, here we have yet another example of bee culture being casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. STING Oh please. BARRY Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say, (looking in folder) Mr. Gordon M. Sumner? The jury GASPS. MONTGOMERY (to his aides) That’s not his real name? You idiots! CUT TO: INT. COURTHOUSE- LATER BARRY Mr. Liotta, first may I offer my belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on E.R. in 2005. LIOTTA Thank you. Thank you. Liotta LAUGHS MANIACALLY. BARRY I also see from your resume that you’re devilishly handsome, but with a churning inner turmoil that’s always ready to blow. LIOTTA I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 77. BARRY Not yet it isn’t. But is this what it’s come to for you, Mr. Liotta? Exploiting tiny helpless bees so you don’t have to rehearse your part, and learn your lines, Sir? LIOTTA Watch it Benson, I could blow right now. BARRY This isn’t a goodfella. This is a badfella! LIOTTA (exploding, trying to smash Barry with the Emmy) Why doesn’t someone just step on this little creep and we can all go home? You’re all thinking it. Say it! JUDGE Order! Order in this courtroom! A MONTAGE OF NEWSPAPER HEADLINES FOLLOWS: NEW YORK POST: “Bees to Humans: Buzz Off”. NEW YORK TELEGRAM: “Sue Bee”. DAILY VARIETY: “Studio Dumps Liotta Project. Slams Door on Unlawful Entry 2.” CUT TO: SEQ. 3175 - “CANDLELIGHT DINNER” INT. VANESSA’S APARTMENT Barry and Vanessa are having a candle light dinner. Visible behind Barry is a “LITTLE MISSY” SET BOX, with the flaps open. BARRY Well, I just think that was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 78. VANESSA I’m telling you, I think the jury’s on our side. BARRY Are we doing everything right...you know, legally? VANESSA I’m a florist. BARRY Right, right. Barry raises his glass. BARRY (CONT’D) Well, here’s to a great team. VANESSA To a great team. They toast. Ken ENTERS KEN Well hello. VANESSA Oh...Ken. BARRY Hello. VANESSA I didn’t think you were coming. KEN No, I was just late. I tried to call. But, (holding his cell phone) the battery... VANESSA I didn’t want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily he was free. BARRY Yeah. KEN (gritting his teeth) Oh, that was lucky. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 79. VANESSA Well, there’s still a little left. I could heat it up. KEN Yeah, heat it up. Sure, whatever. Vanessa EXITS. Ken and Barry look at each other as Barry eats. BARRY So, I hear you’re quite a tennis player. I’m not much for the game myself. I find the ball a little grabby. KEN That’s where I usually sit. Right there. VANESSA (O.C) Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that “eating with chopsticks” isn’t really a special skill. KEN (to Barry) You think I don’t see what you’re doing? BARRY Hey look, I know how hard it is trying to find the right job. We certainly have that in common. KEN Do we? BARRY Well, bees have 100% employment, of course. But we do jobs like taking the crud out. KEN That’s just what I was thinking about doing. Ken holds his table knife up. It slips out of his hand. He goes under the table to pick it up. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 80. VANESSA Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was alright. Ken hits his head on the table. BARRY I’m going to go drain the old stinger. KEN Yeah, you do that. Barry EXITS to the bathroom, grabbing a small piece of a VARIETY MAGAZINE on the way. BARRY Oh, look at that. Ken slams the champagne down on the table. Ken closes his eyes and buries his face in his hands. He grabs a magazine on the way into the bathroom. SEQ. 2800 - “BARRY FIGHTS KEN” INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS Ken ENTERS, closes the door behind him. He’s not happy. Barry is washing his hands. He glances back at Ken. KEN You know, I’ve just about had it with your little mind games. BARRY What’s that? KEN Italian Vogue. BARRY Mamma Mia, that’s a lot of pages. KEN It’s a lot of ads. BARRY Remember what Van said. Why is your life any more valuable than mine? "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 81. KEN It’s funny, I just can’t seem to recall that! Ken WHACKS at Barry with the magazine. He misses and KNOCKS EVERYTHING OFF THE VANITY. Ken grabs a can of AIR FRESHENER. KEN (CONT'D) I think something stinks in here. He sprays at Barry. BARRY I love the smell of flowers. KEN Yeah? How do you like the smell of flames? Ken lights the stream. BARRY Not as much. Barry flies in a circle. Ken, trying to stay with him, spins in place. ANGLE ON: Flames outside the bathroom door. Ken slips on the Italian Vogue, falls backward into the shower, pulling down the shower curtain. The can hits him in the head, followed by the shower curtain rod, and the rubber duck. Ken reaches back, grabs the handheld shower head. He whips around, looking for Barry. ANGLE ON: A WATERBUG near the drain. WATERBUG Waterbug. Not taking sides. Barry is on the toilet tank. He comes out from behind a shampoo bottle, wearing a chapstick cap as a helmet. BARRY Ken, look at me! I’m wearing a chapstick hat. This is pathetic. ANGLE ON: Ken turning the hand shower nozzle from “GENTLE”, to “TURBO”, to “LETHAL”. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 82. KEN I’ve got issues! Ken fires the water at Barry, knocking him into the toilet. The items from the vanity (emory board, lipstick, eye curler, etc.) are on the toilet seat. Ken looks down at Barry. KEN (CONT'D) Well well well, a royal flush. BARRY You’re bluffing. KEN Am I? Ken flushes the toilet. Barry grabs the Emory board and uses it to surf. He puts his hand in the water while he’s surfing. Some water splashes on Ken. BARRY Surf’s up, dude! KEN Awww, poo water! He does some skate board-style half-pipe riding. Barry surfs out of the toilet. BARRY That bowl is gnarly. Ken tries to get a shot at him with the toilet brush. KEN Except for those dirty yellow rings. Vanessa ENTERS. VANESSA Kenneth! What are you doing? KEN You know what? I don’t even like honey! I don’t eat it! VANESSA We need to talk! "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 83. She pulls Ken out by his ear. Ken glares at Barry. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS VANESSA He’s just a little bee. And he happens to be the nicest bee I’ve met in a long time. KEN Long time? What are you talking about? Are there other bugs in your life? VANESSA No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you’re one of them! KEN Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...my nerves are fried from riding on this emotional rollercoaster. VANESSA Goodbye, Ken. KEN Augh! VANESSA Whew! Ken EXITS, then re-enters frame. KEN And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners, made by man! He EXITS again. The DOOR SLAMS behind him. VANESSA (to Barry) I’m sorry about all that. Ken RE-ENTERS. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 84. KEN I know it’s got an aftertaste! I like it! BARRY (re: Ken) I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. (puts his hands in his pockets) I couldn’t overcome it. Oh well. VANESSA Are you going to be okay for the trial tomorrow? BARRY Oh, I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. CUT TO: SEQ. 3300 - “ADAM STINGS MONTY” INT. COURTROOM - NEXT DAY ANGLE ON: Medium shot of Montgomery standing at his table. MONTGOMERY We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. ADAM (whispering to Vanessa) Now that’s a good idea. (to Barry) You can really see why he’s considered one of the very best lawyers-- Oh. Barry rolls his eyes. He gets up, takes the stand. A juror in a striped shirt APPLAUDS. MR. GAMMIL (whispering) Layton, you’ve got to weave some magic with this jury, or it’s going to be all over. Montgomery is holding a BOOK, “The Secret Life of Bees”. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 85. MONTGOMERY (confidently whispering) Oh, don’t worry Mr. Gammil. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don’t like about bees. (to Gammil) You got the tweezers? Mr. Gammil NODS, and pats his breast pocket. MR. GAMMIL Are you allergic? MONTGOMERY Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Montgomery approaches the stand. MONTGOMERY (CONT’D) Mr. Benson Bee. I’ll ask you what I think we’d all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? Montgomery points to Vanessa. BARRY We’re friends. MONTGOMERY Good friends? BARRY Yes. MONTGOMERY (softly in Barry’s face) How good? BARRY What? MONTGOMERY Do you live together? BARRY Wait a minute, this isn’t about-- "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 86. MONTGOMERY Are you her little... (clearing throat) ... bed bug? BARRY (flustered) Hey, that’s not the kind of-- MONTGOMERY I’ve seen a bee documentary or two. Now, from what I understand, doesn’t your Queen give birth to all the bee children in the hive? BARRY Yeah, but-- MONTGOMERY So those aren’t even your real parents! ANGLE ON: Barry’s parents. MARTIN BENSON Oh, Barry. BARRY Yes they are! ADAM Hold me back! Vanessa holds him back with a COFFEE STIRRER. Montgomery points to Barry’s parents. MONTGOMERY You’re an illegitimate bee, aren’t you Benson? ADAM He’s denouncing bees! All the bees in the courtroom start to HUM. They’re agitated. MONTGOMERY And don’t y’all date your cousins? "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 87. VANESSA (standing, letting go of Adam) Objection! Adam explodes from the table and flies towards Montgomery. ADAM I’m going to pin cushion this guy! Montgomery turns around and positions himself by the judge’s bench. He sticks his butt out. Montgomery winks at his team. BARRY Adam, don’t! It’s what he wants! Adam shoves Barry out of the way. Adam STINGS Montgomery in the butt. The jury REACTS, aghast. MONTGOMERY Ow! I’m hit! Oh, lordy, I am hit! The judge BANGS her gavel. JUDGE Order! Order! Please, Mr. Montgomery. MONTGOMERY The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a wing-ed beast of destruction. You see? You can’t treat them like equals. They’re strip-ed savages! Stinging’s the only thing they know! It’s their way! ANGLE ON: Adam, collapsed on the floor. Barry rushes to his side. BARRY Adam, stay with me. ADAM I can’t feel my legs. Montgomery falls on the Bailiff. BAILIFF Take it easy. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 88. MONTGOMERY Oh, what angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? The JURY recoils. JUDGE Please, I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! FADE TO: SEQ. 3400 - “ADAM AT HOSPITAL” INT. HOSPITAL - STREET LEVEL ROOM - DAY PRESS PERSON #1 (V.O) The case of the honey bees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday, when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. Now here’s Don with the 5-day. A NURSE lets Barry into the room. Barry CARRIES a FLOWER. BARRY Thank you. Barry stands over Adam, in a bed. Barry lays the flower down next to him. The TV is on. BARRY (CONT'D) Hey buddy. ADAM Hey. BARRY Is there much pain? Adam has a BEE-SIZED PAINKILLER HONEY BUTTON near his head that he presses. ADAM (pressing the button) Yeah...I blew the whole case, didn’t I? "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 89. BARRY Oh, it doesn’t matter. The important thing is you’re alive. You could have died. ADAM I’d be better off dead. Look at me. Adam THROWS the blanket off his lap, revealing a GREEN SANDWICH SWORD STINGER. ADAM (CONT’D) (voice cracking) They got it from the cafeteria, they got it from downstairs. In a tuna sandwich. Look, there’s a little celery still on it. BARRY What was it like to sting someone? ADAM I can’t explain it. It was all adrenaline...and then...ecstasy. Barry looks at Adam. BARRY Alright. ADAM You think that was all a trap? BARRY Of course. I’m sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us, we’re just a couple of bugs in this world. ADAM What do you think the humans will do to us if they win? BARRY I don’t know. ADAM I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn’t sound so bad. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 90. BARRY Adam, they check in, but they don’t check out. Adam GULPS. ADAM Oh my. ANGLE ON: the hospital window. We see THREE PEOPLE smoking outside on the sidewalk. The smoke drifts in. Adam COUGHS. ADAM (CONT’D) Say, could you get a nurse to close that window? BARRY Why? ADAM The smoke. Bees don’t smoke. BARRY Right. Bees don’t smoke. Bees don’t smoke! But some bees are smoking. Adam, that’s it! That’s our case. Adam starts putting his clothes on. ADAM It is? It’s not over? BARRY No. Get up. Get dressed. I’ve got to go somewhere. You get back the court and stall. Stall anyway you can. CUT TO: SEQ. 3500 - “SMOKING GUN” INT. COURTROOM - THE NEXT DAY Adam is folding a piece of paper into a boat. ADAM ...and assuming you’ve done step 29 correctly, you’re ready for the tub. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 91. ANGLE ON: The jury, all with paper boats of their own. JURORS Ooh. ANGLE ON: Montgomery frustrated with Gammil, who’s making a boat also. Monty crumples Gammil’s boat, and throws it at him. JUDGE Mr. Flayman? ADAM Yes? Yes, Your Honor? JUDGE Where is the rest of your team? ADAM (fumbling with his swordstinger) Well, your honor, it’s interesting. You know Bees are trained to fly kind of haphazardly and as a result quite often we don’t make very good time. I actually once heard a pretty funny story about a bee-- MONTGOMERY Your Honor, haven’t these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court’s valuable time? Montgomery rolls out from behind his table. He’s suspended in a LARGE BABY CHAIR with wheels. MONTGOMERY (CONT'D) How much longer are we going to allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients who have all run perfectly legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case. JUDGE Mr. Flayman, I am afraid I am going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery’s motion. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 92. ADAM But you can’t. We have a terrific case. MONTGOMERY Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun. Barry bursts through the door. BARRY Hold it, your honor. You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. Vanessa ENTERS, holding a bee smoker Vanessa slams the beekeeper's SMOKER onto the judge’s bench. JUDGE What is that? BARRY It’s a Bee smoker. Montgomery GRABS the smoker. MONTGOMERY What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn’t hurt a fly, let alone a bee. He unintentionally points it towards the bee gallery, KNOCKING THEM ALL OUT. The jury GASPS. The press SNAPS pictures of them. BARRY Members of the jury, look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or Non?" Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to these smoke machines in man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? Barry gestures dramatically towards Montgomery's racially mixed table. The BLACK LAWYER slowly moves his chair away. GAMMIL What are we going to do? "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 93. MONTGOMERY (to Pross) He's playing the species card. Barry lands on the scale of justice, by the judge’s bench. It balances as he lands. BARRY Ladies and gentlemen, please, FreeThese-Bees! ANGLE ON: Jury, chanting "Free the bees". JUDGE The court finds in favor of the bees. The chaos continues. Barry flies over to Vanessa, with his hand up for a “high 5”. BARRY Vanessa, we won! VANESSA Yay! I knew you could do it. Highfive! She high 5’s Barry, sending him crashing to the table. He bounces right back up. VANESSA (CONT'D) Oh, sorry. BARRY Ow!! I’m okay. Vanessa, do you know what this means? All the honey is finally going to belong to the bees. Now we won’t have to work so hard all the time. Montgomery approaches Barry, surrounded by the press. The cameras and microphones go to Montgomery. MONTGOMERY (waving a finger) This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson! You’ll regret this. ANGLE ON: Barry’s ‘deer in headlights’ expression, as the press pushes microphones in his face. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 94. PRESS PERSON 1 Barry, how much honey do you think is out there? BARRY Alright, alright, one at a time... SARAH Barry, who are you wearing? BARRY Uhhh, my sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. The Press follows Barry as he EXITS. ANGLE ON: Adam and Vanessa. ADAM (putting papers away) What if Montgomery’s right? VANESSA What do you mean? ADAM We’ve been living the bee way a long time. 27 million years. DISSOLVE TO: SEQ. 3600 - “HONEY ROUNDUP” EXT. HONEY FARMS APIARY - MONTAGE SARAH (V.O) Congratulations on your victory. What are you going to demand as a settlement? BARRY (V.O) (over montage) First, we’re going to demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then, we want to get back all the honey that was ours to begin with. Every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, big-headed, bad breath, stink-machine. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 95. I believe we’re all aware of what they do in the woods. We will no longer tolerate derogatory beenegative nick-names, unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products, and la-dee-da tea-time human snack garnishments. MONTAGE IMAGES: Close-up on an ATF JACKET, with the YELLOW LETTERS. Camera pulls back. We see an ARMY OF BEE AND HUMAN AGENTS wearing hastily made “Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Honey” jackets. Barry supervises. The gate to Honey Farms is locked permanently. All the smokers are collected and locked up. All the bees leave the Apiary. CUT TO: EXT. ATF OUTSIDE OF SUPERMARKET - MONTAGE Agents begin YANKING honey off the supermarket shelves, and out of shopping baskets. CUT TO: EXT. NEW HIVE CITY - MONTAGE The bees tear down a honey-bear statue. CUT TO: EXT. YELLOWSTONE FOREST - MONTAGE POV of a sniper’s crosshairs. An animated BEAR character looka-like, turns his head towards camera. BARRY Wait for my signal. ANGLE ON: Barry lowering his binoculars. BARRY (CONT'D) Take him out. The sniper SHOOTS the bear. It hits him in the shoulder. The bear looks at it. He gets woozy and the honey jar falls out of his lap, an ATF&H agent catches it. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 96. BARRY (V.O) (CONT'D) ATF&H AGENT (to the bear’s pig friend) He’ll have a little nausea for a few hours, then he’ll be fine. CUT TO: EXT. STING’S HOUSE - MONTAGE ATF&H agents SLAP CUFFS on Sting, who is meditating. STING But it’s just a prance-about stage name! CUT TO: INT. A WOMAN’S SHOWER - MONTAGE A WOMAN is taking a shower, and using honey shampoo. An ATF&H agent pulls the shower curtain aside, and grabs her bottle of shampoo. The woman SCREAMS. The agent turns to the 3 other agents, and Barry. ANGLE ON: Barry looking at the label on the shampoo bottle, shaking his head and writing in his clipboard. CUT TO: EXT. SUPERMARKET CAFE - MONTAGE Another customer, an old lady having her tea with a little jar of honey, gets her face pushed down onto the table and turned to the side by two agents. One of the agents has a gun on her. OLD LADY Can’t breathe. CUT TO: EXT. CENTRAL PARK - MONTAGE An OIL DRUM of honey is connected to Barry’s hive. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 97. BARRY Bring it in, boys. CUT TO: SEQ. 3650 - “NO MORE WORK” INT. HONEX - MONTAGE ANGLE ON: The honey goes past the 3-cup hash-mark, and begins to overflow. A WORKER BEE runs up to Buzzwell. WORKER BEE 1 Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed 3 cups, and there’s gallons mores coming. I think we need to shutdown. KEYCHAIN BEE (to Buzzwell) Shutdown? We’ve never shutdown. ANGLE ON: Buzzwell overlooking the factory floor. BUZZWELL Shutdown honey production! Stop making honey! ANGLE ON: TWO BEES, each with a KEY. BUZZWELL (CONT’D) Turn your key, Sir! They turn the keys simultaneously, War Games-style, shutting down the honey machines. ANGLE ON: the Taffy-Pull machine, Centrifuge, and Krelman all slowly come to a stop. The bees look around, bewildered. WORKER BEE 5 What do we do now? A BEAT. WORKER BEE 6 Cannon ball!! He jumps into a HONEY VAT, doesn’t penetrate the surface. He looks around, and slowly sinks down to his waist. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 98. EXT. HONEX FACTORY THE WHISTLE BLOWS, and the bees all stream out the exit. CUT TO: INT. J-GATE - CONTINUOUS Lou Loduca gives orders to the pollen jocks. LOU LODUCA We’re shutting down honey production. Mission abort. CUT TO: EXT. CENTRAL PARK Jackson receives the orders, mid-pollination. JACKSON Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. CUT TO: EXT. NEW HIVE CITY ANGLE ON: Bees, putting sun-tan lotion on their noses and antennae, and sunning themselves on the balconies of the gyms. CUT TO: EXT. CENTRAL PARK ANGLE ON: THE FLOWERS starting to DROOP. CUT TO: INT. J-GATE J-Gate is deserted. CUT TO: "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 99. EXT. NEW HIVE CITY ANGLE ON: Bees sunning themselves. A TIMER DINGS, and they all turn over. CUT TO: EXT. CENTRAL PARK TIME LAPSE of Central Park turning brown. CUT TO: EXT. VANESSA’S FLORIST SHOP CLOSE-UP SHOT: Vanessa writes “Sorry. No more flowers.” on a “Closed” sign, an turns it facing out. CUT TO: SEQ. 3700 - “IDLE HIVE” EXT. NEW HIVE CITY - DAY Barry flies at high speed. TRACKING SHOT into the hive, through the lobby of Honex, and into Adam’s office. CUT TO: INT. ADAM’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Barry meets Adam in his office. Adam’s office is in disarray. There are papers everywhere. He’s filling up his cardboard hexagon box. BARRY (out of breath) Adam, you wouldn’t believe how much honey was out there. ADAM Oh yeah? BARRY What’s going on around here? Where is everybody? Are they out celebrating? "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 100. ADAM (exiting with a cardboard box of belongings) No, they’re just home. They don’t know what to do. BARRY Hmmm. ADAM They’re laying out, they’re sleeping in. I heard your Uncle Carl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. BARRY At least we got our honey back. They walk through the empty factory. ADAM Yeah, but sometimes I think, so what if the humans liked our honey? Who wouldn’t? It’s the greatest thing in the world. I was excited to be a part of making it. ANGLE ON: Adam’s desk on it’s side in the hall. ADAM (CONT’D) This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. And now...and now I can’t. Adam EXITS. CUT TO: SEQ. 3900 - “WORLD WITHOUT BEES” INT. STAIRWELL Vanessa and Barry are walking up the stairs to the roof. BARRY I don’t understand why they’re not happy. We have so much now. I thought their lives would be better. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 101. VANESSA Hmmm. BARRY They’re doing nothing. It’s amazing, honey really changes people. VANESSA You don’t have any idea what’s going on, do you? BARRY What did you want to show me? VANESSA This. They reach the top of the stairs. Vanessa opens the door. CUT TO: EXT. VANESSA’S ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS Barry sees Vanessa’s flower pots and small garden have all turned brown. BARRY What happened here? VANESSA That is not the half of it... Vanessa turns Barry around with her two fingers, revealing the view of Central Park, which is also all brown. BARRY Oh no. Oh my. They’re all wilting. VANESSA Doesn’t look very good, does it? BARRY No. VANESSA And who’s fault do you think that is? "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 102. BARRY Mmmm...you know, I’m going to guess, bees. VANESSA Bees? BARRY Specifically me. I guess I didn’t think that bees not needing to make honey would affect all these other things. VANESSA And it’s not just flowers. Fruits, vegetables...they all need bees. BARRY Well, that’s our whole SAT test right there. VANESSA So, you take away the produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. And then, of course... BARRY The human species? VANESSA (clearing throat) Ahem! BARRY Oh. So, if there’s no more pollination, it could all just go south here, couldn’t it? VANESSA And I know this is also partly my fault. Barry takes a long SIGH. BARRY How about a suicide pact? VANESSA (not sure if he’s joking) How would we do it? BARRY I’ll sting you, you step on me. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 103. VANESSA That just kills you twice. BARRY Right, right. VANESSA Listen Barry. Sorry but I’ve got to get going. She EXITS. BARRY (looking out over the park) Had to open my mouth and talk... (looking back) Vanessa..? Vanessa is gone. CUT TO: SEQ. 3935 - “GOING TO PASADENA” EXT. NY STREET - CONTINUOUS Vanessa gets into a cab. Barry ENTERS. BARRY Vanessa. Why are you leaving? Where are you going? VANESSA To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. They moved it up to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. It’s the last chance I’ll ever have to see it. BARRY Vanessa, I just want to say I’m sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. VANESSA I know. Me neither. Vanessa cab drives away. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 104. BARRY (chuckling to himself) Tournament of Roses. Roses can’t do sports. Wait a minute...roses. Roses? Roses!? Vanessa! Barry follows shortly after. He catches up to it, and he pounds on the window. Barry follows shortly after Vanessa’s cab. He catches up to it, and he pounds on the window. INT. TAXI - CONTINUOUS Barry motions for her to roll the window down. She does so. BARRY Roses?! VANESSA Barry? BARRY (as he flies next to the cab) Roses are flowers. VANESSA Yes, they are. BARRY Flowers, bees, pollen! VANESSA I know. That’s why this is the last parade. BARRY Maybe not. The cab starts pulling ahead of Barry. BARRY (CONT'D) (re: driver) Could you ask him to slow down? VANESSA Could you slow down? The cabs slows. Barry flies in the window, and lands in the change box, which closes on him. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 105. VANESSA (CONT'D) Barry! Vanessa lets him out. Barry stands on the change box, in front of the driver’s license. BARRY Okay, I made a huge mistake! This is a total disaster, and it’s all my fault! VANESSA Yes, it kind of is. BARRY I’ve ruined the planet. And, I wanted to help with your flower shop. Instead, I’ve made it worse. VANESSA Actually, it’s completely closed down. BARRY Oh, I thought maybe you were remodeling. Nonetheless, I have another idea. And it’s greater than all my previous great ideas combined. VANESSA I don’t want to hear it. Vanessa closes the change box on Barry. BARRY (opening it again) Alright, here’s what I’m thinking. They have the roses, the roses have the pollen. I know every bee, plant, and flower bud in this park. All we’ve got to do is get what they’ve got back here with what we’ve got. VANESSA Bees... BARRY Park... VANESSA Pollen... "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 106. BARRY Flowers... VANESSA Repollination! BARRY (on luggage handle, going up) Across the nation! CUT TO: SEQ. 3950 - “ROSE PARADE” EXT. PASADENA PARADE BARRY (V.O) Alright. Tournament of Roses. Pasadena, California. They’ve got nothing but flowers, floats, and cotton candy. Security will be tight. VANESSA I have an idea. CUT TO: EXT. FLOAT STAGING AREA ANGLE ON: Barry and Vanessa approaching a HEAVILY ARMED GUARD in front of the staging area. VANESSA Vanessa Bloome, FTD. Official floral business. He leans in to look at her badge. She SNAPS IT SHUT, VANESSA (CONT’D) Oh, it’s real. HEAVILY ARMED GUARD Sorry ma’am. That’s a nice brooch, by the way. VANESSA Thank you. It was a gift. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 107. They ENTER the staging area. BARRY (V.O) Then, once we’re inside, we just pick the right float. VANESSA How about the Princess and the Pea? BARRY Yeah. VANESSA I can be the princess, and-- BARRY ...yes, I think-- VANESSA You could be-- BARRY I’ve-- VANESSA The pea. BARRY Got it. CUT TO: EXT. FLOAT STAGING AREA - A FEW MOMENTS LATER Barry, dressed as a PEA, flies up and hovers in front of the princess on the “Princess and the Pea” float. The float is sponsored by Inflat-a-bed and a SIGN READS: “Inflat-a-bed: If it blows, it’s ours.” BARRY Sorry I’m late. Where should I sit? PRINCESS What are you? BARRY I believe I’m the pea. PRINCESS The pea? It’s supposed to be under the mattresses. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 108. BARRY Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. PRINCESS I’m going to go talk to the marshall. BARRY You do that. This whole parade is a fiasco! She EXITS. Vanessa removes the step-ladder. The princess FALLS. Barry and Vanessa take off in the float. BARRY (CONT’D) Let’s see what this baby will do. ANGLE ON: Guy with headset talking to drivers. HEADSET GUY Hey! The float ZOOMS by. A young CHILD in the stands, TIMMY, cries. CUT TO: EXT. FLOAT STAGING AREA - A FEW MOMENTS LATER ANGLE ON: Vanessa putting the princess hat on. BARRY (V.O) Then all we do is blend in with traffic, without arousing suspicion. CUT TO: EXT. THE PARADE ROUTE - CONTINUOUS The floats go flying by the crowds. Barry and Vanessa’s float CRASHES through the fence. CUT TO: "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 109. EXT. LA FREEWAY Vanessa and Barry speed, dodging and weaving, down the freeway. BARRY (V.O) And once we’re at the airport, there’s no stopping us. CUT TO: EXT. LAX AIRPORT Barry and Vanessa pull up to the curb, in front of an TSA AGENT WITH CLIPBOARD. TSA AGENT Stop. Security. Did you and your insect pack your own float? VANESSA (O.C) Yes. TSA AGENT Has this float been in your possession the entire time? VANESSA (O.C) Since the parade...yes. ANGLE ON: Barry holding his shoes. TSA AGENT Would you remove your shoes and everything in your pockets? Can you remove your stinger, Sir? BARRY That’s part of me. TSA AGENT I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. CUT TO: EXT. RUNWAY Barry and Vanessa’s airplane TAKES OFF. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 110. BARRY (O.C) Then, if we’re lucky, we’ll have just enough pollen to do the job. DISSOLVE TO: SEQ. 4025 - “COCKPIT FIGHT” INT. AIRPLANE Vanessa is on the aisle. Barry is on a laptop calculating flowers, pollen, number of bees, airspeed, etc. He does a “Stomp” dance on the keyboard. BARRY Can you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job. I think this is going to work, Vanessa. VANESSA It’s got to work. PILOT (V.O) Attention passengers. This is Captain Scott. I’m afraid we have a bit of bad weather in the New York area. And looks like we’re going to be experiencing a couple of hours delay. VANESSA Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They’ll never make it. BARRY I’ve got to get up there and talk to these guys. VANESSA Be careful. Barry flies up to the cockpit door. CUT TO: INT. COCKPIT - CONTINUOUS A female flight attendant, ANGELA, is in the cockpit with the pilots. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 111. There’s a KNOCK at the door. BARRY (C.O) Hey, can I get some help with this Sky Mall Magazine? I’d like to order the talking inflatable travel pool filter. ANGELA (to the pilots, irritated) Excuse me. CUT TO: EXT. CABIN - CONTINUOUS Angela opens the cockpit door and looks around. She doesn’t see anybody. ANGLE ON: Barry hidden on the yellow and black “caution” stripe. As Angela looks around, Barry zips into the cockpit. CUT TO: INT. COCKPIT BARRY Excuse me, Captain. I am in a real situation here... PILOT (pulling an earphone back, to the co-pilot) What did you say, Hal? CO-PILOT I didn’t say anything. PILOT (he sees Barry) Ahhh! Bee! BARRY No, no! Don’t freak out! There’s a chance my entire species-- CO-PILOT (taking off his earphones) Ahhh! "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 112. The pilot grabs a “DUSTBUSTER” vacuum cleaner. He aims it around trying to vacuum up Barry. The co-pilot faces camera, as the pilot tries to suck Barry up. Barry is on the other side of the co-pilot. As they dosey-do, the toupee of the co-pilot begins to come up, still attached to the front. CO-PILOT (CONT'D) What are you doing? Stop! The toupee comes off the co-pilot’s head, and sticks in the Dustbuster. Barry runs across the bald head. BARRY Wait a minute! I’m an attorney! CO-PILOT Who’s an attorney? PILOT Don’t move. The pilot uses the Dustbuster to try and mash Barry, who is hovering in front of the co-pilot’s nose, and knocks out the co-pilot who falls out of his chair, hitting the life raft release button. The life raft inflates, hitting the pilot, knocking him into a wall and out cold. Barry surveys the situation. BARRY Oh, Barry. CUT TO: INT. AIRPLANE CABIN Vanessa studies her laptop, looking serious. SFX: PA CRACKLE. BARRY (V.O) (in captain voice) Good afternoon passengers, this is your captain speaking. Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24F please report to the cockpit. And please hurry! "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 113. ANGLE ON: The aisle, and Vanessa head popping up. CUT TO: INT. COCKPIT Vanessa ENTERS. VANESSA What happened here? BARRY I tried to talk to them, but then there was a Dustbuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded...Now one’s bald, one’s in a boat, and they’re both unconscious. VANESSA Is that another bee joke? BARRY No. No one’s flying the plane. The AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER, BUD, speaks over the radio. BUD This is JFK control tower. Flight 356, what’s your status? Vanessa presses a button, and the intercom comes on. VANESSA This is Vanessa Bloome. I’m a florist from New York. BUD Where’s the pilot? VANESSA He’s unconscious and so is the copilot. BUD Not good. Is there anyone onboard who has flight experience? A BEAT. BARRY As a matter of fact, there is. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 114. BUD Who’s that? VANESSA Barry Benson. BUD From the honey trial? Oh great. BARRY Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. It’s got giant wings, huge engines. VANESSA I can’t fly a plane. BARRY Why not? Isn’t John Travolta a pilot? VANESSA Yes? BARRY How hard could it be? VANESSA Wait a minute. Barry, we’re headed into some lightning. CUT TO: Vanessa shrugs, and takes the controls. SEQ. 4150 - “BARRY FLIES PLANE” INT. BENSON HOUSE The family is all huddled around the TV at the Benson house. ANGLE ON: TV. Bob Bumble is broadcasting. BOB BUMBLE This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK airport, where a very suspenseful scene is developing. Barry Benson, fresh off his stunning legal victory... "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 115. Adam SPRAYS a can of HONEY-WHIP into his mouth. ADAM That’s Barry. BOB BUMBLE ...is now attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers, and an incapacitated flight crew. EVERYONE Flowers?! CUT TO: INT. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL TOWER BUD Well, we have an electrical storm in the area, and two individuals at the controls of a jumbo jet with absolutely no flight experience. JEANETTE CHUNG Just a minute, Mr. Ditchwater, there’s a honey bee on that plane. BUD Oh, I’m quite familiar with Mr. Benson’s work, and his no-account compadres. Haven’t they done enough damage already? JEANETTE CHUNG But isn’t he your only hope right now? BUD Come on, technically a bee shouldn’t be able to fly at all. CUT TO: INT. COCKPIT. Barry REACTS BUD The wings are too small, their bodies are too big-- "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 116. BARRY (over PA) Hey, hold on a second. Haven’t we heard this million times? The surface area of the wings, and the body mass doesn’t make sense? JEANETTE CHUNG Get this on the air. CAMERAMAN You got it! CUT TO: INT. BEE TV CONTROL ROOM An engineer throws a switch. BEE ENGINEER Stand by. We’re going live. The “ON AIR” sign illuminates. CUT TO: INT. VARIOUS SHOTS OF NEW HIVE CITY The news report plays on TV. The pollen jocks are sitting around, playing paddle-ball, Wheel-o, and one of them is spinning his helmet on his finger. Buzzwell is in an office cubicle, playing computer solitaire. Barry’s family and Adam watch from their living room. Bees sitting on the street curb turn around to watch the TV. BARRY Mr. Ditchwater, the way we work may be a mystery to you, because making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. But let me tell you something about a small job. If you do it really well, it makes a big difference. More than we realized. To us, to everyone. That’s why I want to get bees back to doing what we do best. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 117. Working together. That’s the bee way. We’re not made of Jello. We get behind a fellow. Black and yellow. CROWD OF BEES Hello! CUT TO: INT. COCKPIT Barry is giving orders to Vanessa. BARRY Left, right, down, hover. VANESSA Hover? BARRY Forget hover. VANESSA You know what? This isn’t so hard. Vanessa pretends to HONK THE HORN. VANESSA (CONT’D) Beep, beep! Beep, beep! A BOLT OF LIGHTNING HITS the plane. The plane takes a sharp dip. VANESSA (CONT’D) Barry, what happened? BARRY (noticing the control panel) Wait a minute. I think we were on autopilot that whole time. VANESSA That may have been helping me. BARRY And now we’re not! VANESSA (V.O.) (folding her arms) Well, then it turns out I cannot fly a plane. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 118. BARRY (CONT'D) Vanessa struggles with the yoke. CUT TO: EXT. AIRPLANE The airplane goes into a steep dive. CUT TO: SEQ. 4175 - “CRASH LANDING” INT. J-GATE An ALERT SIGN READING: “Hive Alert. We Need:” Then the SIGNAL goes from “Two Bees” “Some Bees” “Every Bee There Is” Lou Loduca gathers the pollen jocks at J-Gate. LOU LODUCA All of you, let’s get behind this fellow. Move it out! The bees follow Lou Loduca, and EXIT J-Gate. CUT TO: INT. AIRPLANE COCKPIT BARRY Our only chance is if I do what I would do, and you copy me with the wings of the plane! VANESSA You don’t have to yell. BARRY I’m not yelling. We happen to be in a lot of trouble here. VANESSA It’s very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice. BARRY It’s not a tone. I’m panicking! CUT TO: "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 119. EXT. JFK AIRPORT ANGLE ON: The bees arriving and massing at the airport. CUT TO: INT. COCKPIT Barry and Vanessa alternately SLAP EACH OTHER IN THE FACE. VANESSA I don’t think I can do this. BARRY Vanessa, pull yourself together. Listen to me, you have got to snap out of it! VANESSA You snap out of it! BARRY You snap out of it! VANESSA You snap out of it! BARRY You snap out of it! VANESSA You snap out of it! CUT TO: EXT. AIRPLANE A GIGANTIC SWARM OF BEES flies in to hold the plane up. CUT TO: INT. COCKPIT - CONTINUOUS BARRY You snap out of it! VANESSA You snap out of it! "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 120. BARRY You snap-- VANESSA Hold it! BARRY (about to slap her again) Why? Come on, it’s my turn. VANESSA How is the plane flying? Barry’s antennae ring. BARRY I don’t know. (answering) Hello? CUT TO: EXT. AIRPLANE ANGLE ON: The underside of the plane. The pollen jocks have massed all around the underbelly of the plane, and are holding it up. LOU LODUCA Hey Benson, have you got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? CUT TO: INT. COCKPIT Lou, Buzz, Splitz, and Jackson come up alongside the cockpit. BARRY The pollen jocks! VANESSA They do get behind a fellow. BARRY Black and yellow. LOU LODUCA (over headset) Hello. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 121. Alright you two, what do you say we drop this tin can on the blacktop? VANESSA What blacktop? Where? I can’t see anything. Can you? BARRY No, nothing. It’s all cloudy. CUT TO: EXT. RUNWAY Adam SHOUTS. ADAM Come on, you’ve got to think bee, Barry. Thinking bee, thinking bee. ANGLE ON: Overhead shot of runway. The bees are in the formation of a flower. In unison they move, causing the flower to FLASH YELLOW AND BLACK. BEES (chanting) Thinking bee, thinking bee. CUT TO: INT. COCKPIT We see through the swirling mist and clouds. A GIANT SHAPE OF A FLOWER is forming in the middle of the runway. BARRY Wait a minute. I think I’m feeling something. VANESSA What? BARRY I don’t know, but it’s strong. And it’s pulling me, like a 27 million year old instinct. Bring the nose of the plane down. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 122. LOU LODUCA (CONT'D) EXT. RUNWAY All the bees are on the runway chanting “Thinking Bee”. CUT TO: INT. CONTROL TOWER RICK What in the world is on the tarmac? ANGLE ON: Dave OTS onto runway seeing a flower being formed by millions of bees. BUD Get some lights on that! CUT TO: EXT. RUNWAY ANGLE ON: AIRCRAFT LANDING LIGHT SCAFFOLD by the side of the runway, illuminating the bees in their flower formation. INT. COCKPIT BARRY Vanessa, aim for the flower! VANESSA Oh, okay? BARRY Cut the engines! VANESSA Cut the engines? BARRY We’re going in on bee power. Ready boys? LOU LODUCA Affirmative. CUT TO: "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 123. INT. AIRPLANE COCKPIT BARRY Good, good, easy now. Land on that flower! Ready boys? Give me full reverse. LOU LODUCA Spin it around! The plane attempts to land on top of an “Aloha Airlines” plane with flowers painted on it. BARRY (V.O) I mean the giant black and yellow pulsating flower made of millions of bees! VANESSA Which flower? BARRY That flower! VANESSA I’m aiming at the flower! The plane goes after a FAT GUY IN A HAWAIIAN SHIRT. BARRY (V.O) That’s a fat guy in a flowered shirt! The other other flower! The big one. He snaps a photo and runs away. BARRY (CONT'D) Full forward. Ready boys? Nose down. Bring your tail up. Rotate around it. VANESSA Oh, this is insane, Barry. BARRY This is the only way I know how to fly. CUT TO: "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 124. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL TOWER BUD Am I koo-koo kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? CUT TO: EXT. RUNWAY BARRY (V.O) Get your nose in there. Don’t be afraid of it. Smell it. Full reverse! Easy, just drop it. Be a part of it. Aim for the center! Now drop it in. Drop it in, woman! The plane HOVERS and MANEUVERS, landing in the center of the giant flower, like a bee. The FLOWERS from the cargo hold spill out onto the runway. INT. AIPLANE CABIN The passengers are motionless for a beat. PASSENGER Come on already! They hear the “ding ding”, and all jump up to grab their luggage out of the overheads. SEQ. 4225 - “RUNWAY SPEECH” EXT. RUNWAY - CONTINUOUS The INFLATABLE SLIDES pop out the side of the plane. The passengers escape. Barry and Vanessa slide down out of the cockpit. Barry and Vanessa exhale a huge breath. VANESSA Barry, we did it. You taught me how to fly. Vanessa raises her hand up for a high five. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 125. BARRY Yes. No high five. VANESSA Right. ADAM Barry, it worked. Did you see the giant flower? BARRY What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius, man. Genius! ADAM Thank you. BARRY But we’re not done yet. Barry flies up to the wing of the plane, and addresses the bee crowd. BARRY (CONT’D) Listen everyone. This runway is covered with the last pollen from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. That means this is our last chance. We’re the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers, and dress like this. If we’re going to survive as a species, this is our moment. So what do you all say? Are we going to be bees, or just Museum of Natural History key chains? BEES We’re bees! KEYCHAIN BEE Keychain! BARRY Then follow me... Except Keychain. BUZZ Hold on Barry. You’ve earned this. Buzz puts a pollen jock jacket and helmet with Barry’s name on it on Barry. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 126. BARRY I’m a pollen jock! (looking at the jacket. The sleeves are a little long) And it’s a perfect fit. All I’ve got to do are the sleeves. The Pollen Jocks toss Barry a gun. BARRY (CONT’D) Oh yeah! ANGLE ON: Martin and Janet Benson. JANET BENSON That’s our Barry. All the bees descend upon the flowers on the tarmac, and start collecting pollen. CUT TO: SEQ. 4250 - “RE-POLLINATION” EXT. SKIES - CONTINUOUS The squadron FLIES over the city, REPOLLINATING trees and flowers as they go. Barry breaks off from the group, towards Vanessa’s flower shop. CUT TO: EXT. VANESSA’S FLOWER SHOP - CONTINUOUS Barry REPOLLINATES Vanessa’s flowers. CUT TO: EXT. CENTRAL PARK - CONTINUOUS ANGLE ON: Timmy with a frisbee, as the bees fly by. TIMMY Mom, the bees are back! "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 127. Central Park is completely repollinated by the bees. DISSOLVE TO: INT. HONEX - CONTINUOUS Honex is back to normal and everyone is busily working. ANGLE ON: Adam, putting his Krelman hat on. ADAM If anyone needs to make a call, now’s the time. I’ve got a feeling we’ll be working late tonight! The bees CHEER. CUT TO: SEQ. 4355 EXT: VANESSA’S FLOWER SHOP With a new sign out front. “Vanessa & Barry: Flowers, Honey, Legal Advice” DISSOLVE TO: INT: FLOWER COUNTER Vanessa doing a brisk trade with many customers. CUT TO: INT: FLOWER SHOP - CONTINUOUS Vanessa is selling flowers. In the background, there are SHELVES STOCKED WITH HONEY. VANESSA (O.C.) Don’t forget these. Have a great afternoon. Yes, can I help who’s next? Who’s next? Would you like some honey with that? It is beeapproved. SIGN ON THE BACK ROOM DOOR READS: “Barry Benson: Insects at Law”. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 128. Camera moves into the back room. ANGLE ON: Barry. ANGLE ON: Barry’s COW CLIENT. COW Milk, cream, cheese...it’s all me. And I don’t see a nickel. BARRY Uh huh? Uh huh? COW (breaking down) Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat. BARRY I had no idea. VANESSA Barry? I’m sorry, have you got a moment? BARRY Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate here will be able to help you. Mooseblood ENTERS. MOOSEBLOOD Sorry I’m late. COW He’s a lawyer too? MOOSEBLOOD Ma’am, I was already a bloodsucking parasite. All I needed was * a briefcase. * ANGLE ON: Flower Counter. VANESSA (to customer) Have a great afternoon! (to Barry) Barry, I just got this huge tulip order for a wedding, and I can’t get them anywhere. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 129. BARRY Not a problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. Vanessa turns back to deal with a customer. VANESSA You’re a life-saver, Barry. (to the next customer) Can I help who’s next? Who’s next? ANGLE ON: Vanessa smiling back at Barry. Barry smiles too, then snaps himself out of it. BARRY (speaks into his antennae) Alright. Scramble jocks, it’s time to fly! VANESSA Thank you, Barry! EXT. FLOWER SHOP - CONTINUOUS ANGLE ON: Ken and Andy walking down the street. KEN (noticing the new sign) Augh! What in the world? It’s that bee again! ANDY (guiding Ken protectively) Let it go, Kenny. KEN That bee is living my life! When will this nightmare end? ANDY Let it all go. They don’t break stride. ANGLE ON: Camera in front of Barry as he flies out the door and up into the sky. Pollen jocks fold in formation behind him as they zoom into the park. BARRY (to Splitz) Beautiful day to fly. "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 130. JACKSON Sure is. BARRY Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. FADE OUT: "Bee Movie" - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 131.Comments

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The Entire Shrek Movie ScriptPosted by Marcos Rufino on Wednesday, September 1, 2021 at 12:03 pm{Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go.Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your fiying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Orge! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My promlems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - - Really tall? -No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts} -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gusps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right, hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me!{Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Ginerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas And getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into yoga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans} -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect ...... place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl can do what she wants to do And that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs} -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. -Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring} -Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry? -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. -You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think she'll be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creacing} -I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. -Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams} {Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars} {Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams} -Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls} -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts} -But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat} -I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. {Fchoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat} -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? -I have helmet hair. -Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take ot off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- - an orge. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -I'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -I don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -Shrek, What are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. -I know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. -That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Our swamp? -You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -I'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawns} -Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I said I like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs} -Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - - {Kissing sounds} -beast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? -Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an orge in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad That's bad When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell} {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we? -Hold the phone. {Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? -Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -{Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -What you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh! -Ahem. -Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chickle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh -Hey! La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's DuLoc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style. -No kidding. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling} {Sighs} -I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -I'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, Shrek? -I, um, I was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. -Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night. {Door creaks} -Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge? -Yeah. An orge. -Hey, where you goin'? -To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings fluttering} -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me? -Donkey! -Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. -I'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs} -I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. {Deep sigh} -Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd I miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. -Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, orge. -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly orge. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! -There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'll never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -I guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - - -Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -I object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -And what do you know about true love? -Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughting} -An orge and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! -You'll beg for death to save you! -No, Shrek! -And as for you, my wife, -Fiona! -I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! -I'm king! {Whistles} -I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah! -Aah! -All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. {Roars} -I'm a donkey on the edge! {Belches} -Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? {Cheering} -Go ahead, Shrek. -Uh, Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? -I - - I love you. -Really? -Really, really. - I love you too. -Aawww! -"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form." -"Take love's true form. Take love's true form." -Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? -Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. -But you ARE beautiful. {Chuckles} -I was hoping this would be a happy ending. I thought love was only true in fairy tales Oy! Meant for someone else but not for me Love was out to get me That's the way it seemed Disappointment haunted all my dreams And then I saw her face Now I'm a believer and not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her If I tried -God bless us, every one. Come on, y'all! Then I saw her face Ha-ha Now I'm a believer Listen! Not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried -Ooh! -Uh! Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Hey! Not a trace Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind -One more time! I'm in love I'm a believer Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey Y'all sing it with me! I Believe I believe People in the back! I believe I'm a believer I believe I believe I believe I believe {Hysterical laughing} -Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. -I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertion Destiny or a slight diversion Now it seems I've got my head on straight I'm a freak an apparition Seems I've made the right decision To try to turn back now it might be too late Now I want to stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna be a millionaire someday But know what it feels like to give it away Watch me march to the beat of my own drum And it's off to the moon and then back again Same old day Same situation My happiness rears back as if to say I wanna stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home......... I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes My heart skips a beat Girl, I feel so alive Please tell me, baby, if all this is true 'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives When we first met I could hardly believe The things that would happen and we could achieve So let's be together for all of our time Oh, girl, I'm so thankful that you are still mine You always consider me like an ugly duckling And treat me like a Nostradamus was why I had to get my shine on I break a little something to keep my mind on 'Cause you had my mind gone Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh Turn the lights on, Come on, baby Let's just rewind the song 'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best years All night long Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh, yeah, yeah I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.............. Everything looks bright Standing in your light Everything feels right What's left is out of sight What's a girl to do I'm telling you You're on my mind I wanna be with you 'Cause when you're standin' next to me It's like wow And all your kisses seem to set me free It's like wow And when we touch it's such a rush I can't get enough It's like- - It's like Ooh-ooh Hey, what It's like wow Ooh-ooh, hey Hey, yeah It's like wow Everything is looking right now, right now It's like wow And I got this feeling This feeling it's just like wow It's just like wow You are all I'm thinking of. Like wow Everything feels right Everything feels right Like wow Everything looks bright All my senses are right Like wow Everything feels right Baby, baby, baby the way I'm feeling you Is like wow There is something that I see In the way you look at me There's a smile There's a truth In your eyes What an unexpected way On this unexpected day Could it be This is where I belong It is you I have loved All long There's no more mystery It is finally clear to me You're the home my heart's searched for So long It is you I have loved All long Whoa, over and over I'm filled with emotion As I look Into your perfect face

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The Entire Shrek Movie ScriptPosted by Marcos Rufino on Wednesday, September 1, 2021 at 12:03 pm{Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go.Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your fiying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Orge! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My promlems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - - Really tall? -No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts} -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gusps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right, hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me!{Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Ginerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas And getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into yoga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans} -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect ...... place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl can do what she wants to do And that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs} -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. -Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring} -Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry? -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. -You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think she'll be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creacing} -I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. -Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams} {Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars} {Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams} -Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls} -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts} -But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat} -I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. {Fchoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat} -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? -I have helmet hair. -Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take ot off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- - an orge. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -I'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -I don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -Shrek, What are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. -I know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. -That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Our swamp? -You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -I'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawns} -Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I said I like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs} -Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - - {Kissing sounds} -beast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? -Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an orge in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad That's bad When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell} {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we? -Hold the phone. {Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? -Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -{Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -What you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh! -Ahem. -Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chickle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh -Hey! La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's DuLoc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style. -No kidding. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling} {Sighs} -I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -I'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, Shrek? -I, um, I was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. -Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night. {Door creaks} -Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge? -Yeah. An orge. -Hey, where you goin'? -To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings fluttering} -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me? -Donkey! -Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. -I'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs} -I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. {Deep sigh} -Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd I miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. -Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, orge. -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly orge. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! -There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'll never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -I guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - - -Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -I object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -And what do you know about true love? -Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughting} -An orge and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! -You'll beg for death to save you! -No, Shrek! -And as for you, my wife, -Fiona! -I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! -I'm king! {Whistles} -I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah! -Aah! -All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. {Roars} -I'm a donkey on the edge! {Belches} -Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? {Cheering} -Go ahead, Shrek. -Uh, Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? -I - - I love you. -Really? -Really, really. - I love you too. -Aawww! -"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form." -"Take love's true form. Take love's true form." -Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? -Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. -But you ARE beautiful. {Chuckles} -I was hoping this would be a happy ending. I thought love was only true in fairy tales Oy! Meant for someone else but not for me Love was out to get me That's the way it seemed Disappointment haunted all my dreams And then I saw her face Now I'm a believer and not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her If I tried -God bless us, every one. Come on, y'all! Then I saw her face Ha-ha Now I'm a believer Listen! Not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried -Ooh! -Uh! Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Hey! Not a trace Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind -One more time! I'm in love I'm a believer Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey Y'all sing it with me! I Believe I believe People in the back! I believe I'm a believer I believe I believe I believe I believe {Hysterical laughing} -Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. -I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertion Destiny or a slight diversion Now it seems I've got my head on straight I'm a freak an apparition Seems I've made the right decision To try to turn back now it might be too late Now I want to stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna be a millionaire someday But know what it feels like to give it away Watch me march to the beat of my own drum And it's off to the moon and then back again Same old day Same situation My happiness rears back as if to say I wanna stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home......... I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes My heart skips a beat Girl, I feel so alive Please tell me, baby, if all this is true 'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives When we first met I could hardly believe The things that would happen and we could achieve So let's be together for all of our time Oh, girl, I'm so thankful that you are still mine You always consider me like an ugly duckling And treat me like a Nostradamus was why I had to get my shine on I break a little something to keep my mind on 'Cause you had my mind gone Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh Turn the lights on, Come on, baby Let's just rewind the song 'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best years All night long Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh, yeah, yeah I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.............. Everything looks bright Standing in your light Everything feels right What's left is out of sight What's a girl to do I'm telling you You're on my mind I wanna be with you 'Cause when you're standin' next to me It's like wow And all your kisses seem to set me free It's like wow And when we touch it's such a rush I can't get enough It's like- - It's like Ooh-ooh Hey, what It's like wow Ooh-ooh, hey Hey, yeah It's like wow Everything is looking right now, right now It's like wow And I got this feeling This feeling it's just like wow It's just like wow You are all I'm thinking of. Like wow Everything feels right Everything feels right Like wow Everything looks bright All my senses are right Like wow Everything feels right Baby, baby, baby the way I'm feeling you Is like wow There is something that I see In the way you look at me There's a smile There's a truth In your eyes What an unexpected way On this unexpected day Could it be This is where I belong It is you I have loved All long There's no more mystery It is finally clear to me You're the home my heart's searched for So long It is you I have loved All long Whoa, over and over I'm filled with emotion As I look Into your perfect face

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The Entire Shrek Movie Script

Posted by Marcos Rufino on Wednesday, September 1, 2021 at 12:03 pm

{Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go.Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your fiying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Orge! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My promlems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - - Really tall? -No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts} -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gusps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right, hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me!{Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Ginerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas And getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into yoga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans} -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect ...... place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl can do what she wants to do And that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs} -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. -Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring} -Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry? -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. -You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think she'll be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creacing} -I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. -Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams} {Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars} {Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams} -Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls} -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts} -But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat} -I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. {Fchoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat} -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? -I have helmet hair. -Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take ot off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- - an orge. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -I'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -I don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -Shrek, What are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. -I know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. -That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Our swamp? -You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -I'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawns} -Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I said I like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs} -Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - - {Kissing sounds} -beast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? -Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an orge in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad That's bad When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell} {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we? -Hold the phone. {Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? -Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -{Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -What you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh! -Ahem. -Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chickle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh -Hey! La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's DuLoc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style. -No kidding. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling} {Sighs} -I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -I'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, Shrek? -I, um, I was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. -Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night. {Door creaks} -Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge? -Yeah. An orge. -Hey, where you goin'? -To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings fluttering} -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me? -Donkey! -Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. -I'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs} -I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. {Deep sigh} -Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd I miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. -Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, orge. -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly orge. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! -There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'll never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -I guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - - -Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -I object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -And what do you know about true love? -Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughting} -An orge and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! -You'll beg for death to save you! -No, Shrek! -And as for you, my wife, -Fiona! -I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! -I'm king! {Whistles} -I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah! -Aah! -All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. {Roars} -I'm a donkey on the edge! {Belches} -Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? {Cheering} -Go ahead, Shrek. -Uh, Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? -I - - I love you. -Really? -Really, really. - I love you too. -Aawww! -"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form." -"Take love's true form. Take love's true form." -Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? -Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. -But you ARE beautiful. {Chuckles} -I was hoping this would be a happy ending. I thought love was only true in fairy tales Oy! Meant for someone else but not for me Love was out to get me That's the way it seemed Disappointment haunted all my dreams And then I saw her face Now I'm a believer and not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her If I tried -God bless us, every one. Come on, y'all! Then I saw her face Ha-ha Now I'm a believer Listen! Not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried -Ooh! -Uh! Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Hey! Not a trace Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind -One more time! I'm in love I'm a believer Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey Y'all sing it with me! I Believe I believe People in the back! I believe I'm a believer I believe I believe I believe I believe {Hysterical laughing} -Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. -I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertion Destiny or a slight diversion Now it seems I've got my head on straight I'm a freak an apparition Seems I've made the right decision To try to turn back now it might be too late Now I want to stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna be a millionaire someday But know what it feels like to give it away Watch me march to the beat of my own drum And it's off to the moon and then back again Same old day Same situation My happiness rears back as if to say I wanna stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home......... I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes My heart skips a beat Girl, I feel so alive Please tell me, baby, if all this is true 'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives When we first met I could hardly believe The things that would happen and we could achieve So let's be together for all of our time Oh, girl, I'm so thankful that you are still mine You always consider me like an ugly duckling And treat me like a Nostradamus was why I had to get my shine on I break a little something to keep my mind on 'Cause you had my mind gone Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh Turn the lights on, Come on, baby Let's just rewind the song 'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best years All night long Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh, yeah, yeah I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.............. Everything looks bright Standing in your light Everything feels right What's left is out of sight What's a girl to do I'm telling you You're on my mind I wanna be with you 'Cause when you're standin' next to me It's like wow And all your kisses seem to set me free It's like wow And when we touch it's such a rush I can't get enough It's like- - It's like Ooh-ooh Hey, what It's like wow Ooh-ooh, hey Hey, yeah It's like wow Everything is looking right now, right now It's like wow And I got this feeling This feeling it's just like wow It's just like wow You are all I'm thinking of. Like wow Everything feels right Everything feels right Like wow Everything looks bright All my senses are right Like wow Everything feels right Baby, baby, baby the way I'm feeling you Is like wow There is something that I see In the way you look at me There's a smile There's a truth In your eyes What an unexpected way On this unexpected day Could it be This is where I belong It is you I have loved All long There's no more mystery It is finally clear to me You're the home my heart's searched for So long It is you I have loved All long Whoa, over and over I'm filled with emotion As I look Into your perfect face

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Sam was here

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Hills and holes while the snow blows

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The Kiwi identity is based on free speech, equal rights, and equal opportunity.

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having trees and flowers can give you fresh air for free and birds can be cool to see and some rare one's that you can see if you look

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stereotypes

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Having a flightless bird as our airline symbol