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My relationship to writing has also changed in terms of writing for my job. In the past folks in position of power would take the lead in creating the mission, vision and process we would follow in our job. Now I see this is up to us, up to me in a way. No one claims the Latino Educational Affairs in Admissions so we have to create our own mission in both English and Spanish. It can be a frightening thing because again I am encountered with imposter syndrome, even though I am the expert.

As I develop the plans, I must also continually develop the nerve to show my work and not be scared of it being torn down. One, it can be constructive feedback or a way to show my growth by standing up in what I believe.

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I decided to test my chances again and I signed up for AP English 11. This was a writing intensive class that if we passed would give us credit for English 101. I remember this class being one I enjoyed but I was very passive. The literature we read was not of interest and the writing prompts were hard to understand I remember. Nonetheless, I tried my hardest. I remember we had to memorize 100 SAT words or words that would be on the AP test. I created this quilt. Looking back, it wasn't too practical to actually study these words.

A few months later and it was time to take the AP exam. I remember being extremely nervous. I took the exam and a few weeks later I got the results. I scored a 1 on the exam. This made me return to the feeling I had back in 7th grade. I thought, what a terrible writer I am.

As you see, my relationship began on a very rocky note. I spent many years second-guessing myself. I spent also a lot of time avoiding writing for school. However, I would write on my own. I had a journal in which I would write stories. I started writing in 10th grade when I read the first book by a Chicana ever. It was the House on Mango Street. Her short stories inspired my stories. Even though I could not use these stories in my AP Exam and received a passing grade, in my gut I knew I could write. At least I could write about me.

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I remember growing up and being in ESL classes until 5th grade. Even though I was classified as an ESL student I was still writing (according to my teacher) on a passing level.

This changed in the 7th grade when I got my first "1" in writing, the lowest possible grade you could receive. I remember getting the paper and feeling like I got caught. I got caught in the sense that they finally discovered I did not actually know English. I remember this was a time in which I felt incredibly insecure about my writing.

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true

being true to my pace and peace.

true to my words & values.

being true to my love.

true to my healing.

true to liberation.

true to me.

frowns

yes, frowns

are you crazy?

is what they say now

if that is your perspective,

then yes, my truth is crazy.

I wrote both of these poems when I was feeling extremely upset and furious for several reasons earlier this semester. I was wondering why was everything happening at once. I realized this was a time in which I felt the most creative and in tune with what and how I felt. I was reflecting on the different encounters and how I responded to each. I was speaking from my intuition and gut. In the past, I would filter my responses, this time I could not hold back. I was proud of the way I was responding to these situations even if they were received with frowns and a face of are you crazy?

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What does writing evoke in you - presently, previously, and into the future?

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What does writing evoke in you - presently, previously, and into the future?

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Writing invokes in me now a place to be and exist. Although I am still weary about academic writing, writing has become a place to exist, a place to be. Like what happens in meditations, writing is a place in which you center yourself. It brings peacefulness, it invokes a sense of releasing. The words are no longer just in my head, they are on paper, they are alive.

In the future I wish to continue challenging myself and the perceptions I had on writing. I want to continue decolonizing my thoughts and therefore my writing. It can be challenging but I no longer want to evoke fear. This fear has stopped my ancestors from leaving their stories behind. Their experiences were valid, so are mine. I don't want to feel incompetent, I want to continue feeling connected to what who I am.

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I used to write mostly for school purposes. This was for almost all assignments, I wrote to fulfill these. I remember this changed when I encountered the House on Mango Street in the 10th grade. My teacher incorporated this book into our assignments and we had to write our own short versions of short stories. This was the first time in which I was allowed and was curious to capture my own stories. Even though in future assignments I was no longer allowed to write short stories, I started to develop new meaning in writing.

Since then, writing privately my stories has been a way to express myself and only to myself. I almost never share these because I write for myself and not to show them to others. Mostly because of fear of judgment. Today I do want to get to the point where I share my stories and my truth. So now when they ask me why I write, I can proudly say it is to share, my stories and those of my communities. Our struggles and our fortalezas.

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To write is a delicate process and one that could be seen from different angles. It's a personal process. It's one that changes over time.

To write means to become involved in the process knee-deep. Writing can take on a different meaning depending on what you are using your writing for. You can write for yourself, in your journal or diary. Here writing is a process of releasing, in a way of not holding back, of becoming naked with your words and thoughts. It can even be a process of pleasure... like an orgasm. The meaning of writing can be something really intimate and close to you, your thoughts, and your heart.

In other ways, the meaning of writing can take a different take. Writing is a powerful tool that can be used to persuade, tell a story, and for many other things. The meaning of writing can be strategic for certain scenarios. Writing can also take on the meaning of being something used for malice or for the wrong purposes. This could be intentional or not.

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What is your relationship to writing and how has it changed?

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What is your relationship to writing and how has it changed?

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What ideas do you hold about writing?Where/when/how did you learn those? What’s the impact of these ideas?

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What ideas do you hold about writing?Where/when/how did you learn those? What’s the impact of these ideas?

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As mentioned in the beginning with the relationship with writing, I did not think there was a place for me as a writer. I didn't feel as if my stories were of any interest since they didn't fit the main narrative. I resonate with this quote my Anzaldua,

"Who gave us permission to perform the act of writing? Why
does writing seem so unnatural for me? I'll do anything to postpone it - empty the trash, answer the telephone... How dare I even considered becoming a writer as I stooped over the tomato field" (Anzaldua, 1980, pg. 167).

Anzaldua touches on many concepts that today shape my ideas in regard to writing. Reading about her struggle to show who she was in her writing gives me hope. She knew she was restricted, just how I had felt in my AP English class. She writes,

"There is no need for words to fester in our minds. They germinate in the open mouth of the barefoot child in the midst of restive crowds. They wither in ivory towers and in college classrooms. Throw away abstraction and the academic learning, the rules, the map and compass. Feel your way without blinders. To touch more people, the personal realities and the social must be evoked-not
through rhetoric but through blood and pus and sweat." (pg. 173).

Anzaldua urges writers to speak the truth, but the actual truth. I think this is a new idea I have today about writing. To speak the truth, the real truth. To tell my stories and not let others tell them. To write in a way that feels right in my gut.

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My relationship with writing started when I was four years old. My parents had just separated and my mother was pregnant with my brother. This picture was our first picture as a family of three. My mother at this point had the opportunity to either go back to Mexico for my grandmother's support in raising us or could stay here. We stayed here. I bring this as an important factor in the relationship to writing because I often wonder what would have happened if we would have moved. I find writing in Spanish a lot more natural. Growing up I never felt native to the English language and thus always felt insecure about it. I wonder what my life would had been if I had written Spanish while growing up..

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I AM - YO SOY
I am from the verdeboro
con raices de donde hace la tuna
I am from otra niña but at least esta guerita
I am from las regañadas de mi mama que es todo por mi bien
I am from the broken swing in the apartment complex
And walking con mis amigos to the bus stop
I am from selling enchiladas and tarjetas to call mi abuelita in Mexico
I am from speaking and breathing in two different languages and not understanding in either what I am saying but it makes sense.
I am from my ancestors wildest dreams
I am the next generation
La que no se queda en casa pero trabaja
Yo no soy la hija, tia, sobrine Mexicana, chicana perfectoa
Mas sin embargo soy yo.

This I am poem captures some of the ways in which my writing has evolved. Now my writing hopes to reflect more of who I am. I think this poem is some of what I have been writing about in the last three years while being in this journey, My only hope is that my writing keeps allowing me to show through and that I am truthful to what I want to say.

Secondly, my writing even though is guided by my gut, it involves a process and preparation. Its a sacred act that must be tuned into, as we read in the Tea ceremony. There's many ways to do this and it is important. Writing must not be treated as something that can be produced but more of a craft, an art, a creative process.