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Parenting Education Programs (PEP)

The Department of Family Services offers free services to help families develop important skills to grow healthy relationships with their children.

Parenting Education Classes

These free classes teach positive and effective ways parents can interact with their children at every age and stage of development. They help families to:

Understand what to expect from children at different developmental stages and ages (0-18 years).

Build strong, positive, respectful relationships between all family members.

Take charge of their own feelings and behaviors, and communicate in non-threatening ways.

Handle stress and anger better, and find alternatives for yelling and spanking.

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Fairfax County, Virginia - Fairfax County's FREE Parenting Education Program offers parenting classes, articles, videos, and other supportive services to teach positive and effective ways parents can interact with their children at every age and stage of development.

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Browse our collection of Parenting books here:

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Browse our collection of Parenting books here:

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Who's the Boss? 5 Ways for Families to Help Kids with Big Emotions

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Who's the Boss? 5 Ways for Families to Help Kids with Big Emotions

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Who's the Boss? 5 Ways for Families to help Kids with Big Emotions

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National Parent & Youth Helpline - Call, text or live chat

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We are not here to judge, we are just here to help. If you are struggling as a parent, caregiver or a youth, the helpline is here to provide vital support 24/7.

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Tips to Improve Your Parenting Long Game

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Tips to Improve Your Parenting Long Game

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Tips to Improving Your Parenting Long Game

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Purpose

The Parent Advocacy Handbook is for parents and guardians -- a child's first teacher and advocate. It is believed that parents and guardians should advocate and support their children's academic, social, and emotional growth from preschool through high school, and beyond.

Information and resources within the handbook are designed to help parents and guardians:

Learn about their rights and responsibilities as an FCPS parent or guardian.

Learn more about what is going on in the student's school.

Gain skills to advocate for your student at school.

Learn more how to monitor and help your student at home.

Find extra help and resources.

The handbook contains answers to the many questions parents may have about the school system and how they can best advocate for their student at the various stages of their school experience.
Be an advocate for your child. Know what is happening at school. Ask questions. Express your ideas, comments, and concerns. Check to see that promises made are kept. The Parent Advocacy Handbook was created by the Minority Student Achievement Oversight Committee (MSAOC) - a Fairfax County School Board advisory committee - and produced with the generous support of the Board. It is not intended to be, nor is it, a complete guide to all programs and practices within FCPS. In addition, information may change as policies and regulations are revised or updated. For additional, up-to-date information on FCPS programs and practices, always consult the FCPS website or speak with school or system administrators or staff.

The handbook is available in several languages:

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The Parent Advocacy Handbook is for parents and guardians -- a child's first teacher and advocate. It is believed that parents and guardians should advocate and support their children's academic, social, and emotional growth from preschool through high school, and beyond.

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Celebrate Calm | Stop Power Struggles with Strong-Willed Children.

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Learn what 1,000,000 other struggling parents have done to finally change their home overnight. Stop the power struggles, yelling and defiance now!

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A Podcast for Parents, by Parents

PTA is working to ensure our public schools provide a high-quality and equitable education for every child to reach their full potential. Notes from the Backpack is a PTA podcast designed for millions of parents and the decisionmakers they influence.

Through the unique combination of expert, parent and educator guests, each episode features engaging conversations that offer real-life advice and ideas on how to support children's learning and development-all in parent-friendly language.

Real Experts. Real Parents. Real Conversations.

Subscribe on your favorite podcast platform:

Current Episode

Wednesday, Sept. 27, 2023

73 | Playground Politics: How Kids Make Friends

Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore

Friendships are a cornerstone of childhood, but some kids have an easier time making friends than others. We talked to psychologist, author and friendship expert, Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore to learn how families can support their children in building and maintaining healthy relationships with their peers. Dr. Kennedy-Moore shares how friendships change and develop as children age and how parents can coach from the sidelines.

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Notes from the Backpack is a PTA podcast designed for millions of parents and the decisionmakers they influence. Through the combination of expert, parent and educator guests, each episode features conversations that offer advice and ideas on how to support children's learning and development.

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Your Parenting Long Game doesn’t take longer.

It just lasts longer.

This podcast is for parents who:

want immediate tips for handling kids’ behaviors and moods

are exhausted from addressing the same situations over and over

crave feeling in control…without parenting chaos

want solutions that last.

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Episode 001 – Band-Aid Parenting vs Long Game Parenting

Episode 002 – Your Parenting Long Game Framework

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Your Parenting Long Game doesn't take longer. It just lasts longer. This podcast is for parents who: Get the latest episodes sent right to your inbox! First-Time Listener? Start with these 2 episodes Subscribe & Listen Today

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16 Parenting Podcasts You Shouldn't Miss Out On

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16 Parenting Podcasts You Shouldn't Miss Out On

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Podcasts are educational, informative, and easy to use. You can listen to them anywhere with access to a cell phone, whether it's in your car, at the gym, or while folding laundry. Here are our picks for the best parenting podcasts available today.

Cultura RM Exclusive/Sofie Delauw/Getty Images

1. Good Inside

Clinical psychologist and mom of three Becky Kennedy, Ph.D.—aka Dr. Becky—is out with a new weekly podcast to help give expert tips to parents everywhere. Good Inside, available on Apple and Spotify, dives into the questions parents have today on parenting, forming stronger relationships with their kids, and helping their children grow—all in under 30 minutes.

2. We Are Family

Brought to you by the people at Parents, We Are Family celebrates diverse families of all shapes and sizes. Co-hosts Shaun T, creator of the Insanity workout and dad to twins with his husband Scott Blokker, and Julia Dennison, executive editor of Parents.com and single mama, explore everything from LGBTQ parenting and adoption to IVF and blended families. Listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, iHeart Radio, TuneIn, Stitcher, Google Podcasts, and everywhere podcasts are available.

3. Motherhood in Black & White

Every week, co-hosts Kaanji Irby and Tara Campbell cover topics such as motherhood, race, and pop culture on a podcast that's more important now than ever: Motherhood in Black & White. Exploring every person's unique parenthood journey, diversity is the name of the game with this podcast—plus it hones in on raising race-conscious children. Free at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, and other places.

4. Zen Parenting Radio

Married self-help gurus Todd Adams and Cathy Cassani Adams, who are raising three daughters, host enlightening discussions that feel like therapy sessions from two people you'd like to be friends with IRL. Free at Apple Podcasts, Android, Google Podcasts, Spotify, or zenparentingradio.com.

5. That New Mom Life

The first few months of parenthood are a whirlwind, and That New Mom Life serves as a reminder that you're not alone. From the editors of Parents, this 12-episode podcast is hosted by Grace Bastidas, the editor-in-chief of Parents Latina, and Desiree Fortin, an Instagrammer mom of triplets and a newborn. They speak with postpartum experts about important topics like sleep deprivation, emotional ups and downs, sharing the parenting load, and more. Listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, iHeart Radio, Google Podcasts, Parents.com, and everywhere podcasts are available.

6. The Mom Hour

A weekly parenting podcast with more than 300 episodes, The Mom Hour creates a supportive community for mothers everywhere. It's co-hosted by Meagan Francis and Sarah Powers, who have eight kids between them. They discuss every parenting-related topic you can think of: mom shaming, sleep deprivation, potty training, puberty, and so much more. Free at Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, and more.

7. Song Exploder

As musicians explain how their songs get made, "the music helps me get into a rhythm while exercising, which I don't really want to do but I know will give me the energy to parent," says Hillary Frank, creator and editor/executive producer of The Longest Shortest Time. Free at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, songexploder.net, and more.

8. Pregnancy Confidential

Hosted in no-holds-barred detail by the editors of Parents, this parenting podcast features answers to quirky questions and real talk on all kinds of preggo predicaments that your friends might be too embarrassed to tell you about. Free at Apple Podcasts, iHeart Radio, Spotify, Google Podcasts, parents.com/pregnancyconfidential, and everywhere podcasts are available.

9. The Band of Mothers

Shayna Ferm and Tracey Tee are known for "The Pump and Dump Show," a live comedy act that's touted as "the ultimate respite for beleaguered parents everywhere." They also host a hilarious podcast called The Band of Mothers, which discusses motherhood and women's lifestyle in a unfiltered, compelling, and honest way. Subscribe for free on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, iHeart Radio, and bandofmothers.com.

10. Wow in the World

"Technically, it's designed to teach kids, but it's perfect for adults with a zest for learning weird stuff like where stinkbugs come from," says Shayna Ferm, coauthor of Parentally Incorrect. Free at Apple Podcasts, Audible, Spotify, Stitcher, npr.org, and more.

11. Awesome With Alison

"This cheerful, upbeat podcast makes me excited about the day ahead! It tackles everyday decision making and dilemmas like overcoming self-doubt, becoming more motivated, and living your life fully," says Joy Cho, founder of Oh Joy! Free at Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, and SoundCloud.

12. #RaisingAthletes

"I like to listen to these cool, athletic women host experts like five-time volleyball Olympian Danielle Scott-Arruda and talk to them about their sports careers, their lives now, and ideas for raising strong, healthy kids," says Erin Clune, author of How to Leave: Quitting the City and Coping With a New Reality. Free at Apple Podcasts, iHeart Radio, or kirstenjonesinc.com.

13. Parents Tip of the Day Flash Briefing

Being a reliable resource for moms and dads navigating parenthood is what we do best. Stay in the know without lifting a finger with our new Parents Tip of the Day Flash Briefing. The process is easy, and once you set up your Alexa or Google device, a simple voice command is all that's required. If you don't have a Google or Alexa voice‑controlled smart speaker, you can still access your briefing by searching "Parents Tip of the Day" on Spotify, iTunes, and iHeart Radio, which give you the options to subscribe or follow for an added convenience. Find out more here.

14. Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting

Lisa Damour, Ph.D., a New York Times Adolescence columnist and author of bestsellers Untangled and Under Pressure, and Reena Nina, a world-class journalist, co-host the podcast Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting, all about family mental health—and your top parenting questions—amid COVID-19. Subscribe for free on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Spotify, Google Podcasts, iHeart Radio, and more

15. Motherhood Sessions

Being a mom is hard, but Alexandra Sacks, M.D., a renowned reproductive psychiatrist, is here for you. In Motherhood Sessions—available for free on Spotify and iTunes—listeners get to sit in on a therapy session as Dr. Sacks dives deep into the real struggles and questions—from career after baby to toxic in-laws—that moms face every day.

16. Mom and Dad Are Fighting

From online magazine Slate, this podcast gives helpful advice for parenting toddlers, kids, and teens. It's hosted by Dan Kois, a Slate write and editor who's the author of How to Be a Family and co-author of The World Only Spins Forward; Jamilah Lemieux, a Brooklyn-based communications strategist, writer, and cultural critic; and Elizabeth Newcamp, a mom of three boys who blogs at Dutch, Dutch, Goose. They openly discuss the triumphs and fails they experienced in their parenting journeys. Listen on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Spotify, and Slate.com.

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16 Parenting Podcasts You Shouldn’t Miss Out On

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Looking for parenting-peer advice, insight, and some LOLs? We have the definitive list of best parenting podcasts you can listen to like a bedtime story, from the comfort of your smartphone.

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THIS ARTICLE INCLUDES A FREE PRINTABLE

Raising children means facing new and unexpected situations on an almost daily basis. As our children grow, their needs, wants, and behaviors change so fast, we don't always know how to deal with certain situations.

That's why listening and learning from parenting experts or more experienced parents could be a great strategy. But how to fit this into our already busy schedules?

Try parenting podcasts. They can be listened to in a car, during your morning walk or run, or even while doing household chores. No matter where you are on your parenting journey, there's a podcast for you.

And remember to check out the Big Life Kids podcast -- the only growth mindset podcast children!

Before you move on, be sure to sign up for our FREE weekly printables carefully crafted to teach your kids growth mindset, resilience, and much more. Sign up below to make sure you're on the list!

Once signed up, you will immediately receive our popular Parent's Guide to a Growth Mindset.

Ages 0-5

Janet Lansbury is a parenting expert and the author of two books on babies and toddlers. Her soothing, reassuring advice makes you feel as if you really can be a calm, confident parent. Her approach focuses on respect for the child and acceptance of their emotions and development.

Ages 6-11

The Balanced Educator is a weekly podcast hosted by the co-founders of Educalme, Kailey Lefko and Josianne Barnabé. This podcast equips and empowers educators and parents to feel more calm, balanced, and joyful in all aspects of their lives.

This podcast talks about the importance of healing from traumas, making sense of stories, breaking free from patterns and triggers, and finding your authentic voice in parenting.

Every week hosts Abigail and Elle decode children's difficult behaviors and share tools to turn things around. Their mission is to provide parents with insights, skills, and support they need to listen to and connect with their children in a way that allows each child to thrive.

Simplicity Parenting approach is based on over thirty years' experience successfully supporting busy families. For those who want to balance their children's lives down but don't know where to start, Simplicity Parenting offers both inspiration and a blueprint for change.

Audrey Monke interviews youth development experts who share ideas about working with and raising kids who become thriving adults. Concepts and strategies for communicating and connecting better with young people are discussed, so that they get the support and encouragement they need to grow into their best selves.

Ages 12+

The Joyful Courage Podcast is a place for inspiration, education, and entertainment on the parenting journey. Host, Casey O'Roarty shares conversations with leading parenting experts about challenges that show up while we raise our kids.

Dr. Neil D. Brown addresses the many dilemmas facing parents, couples, and kids, offering out of the box solutions that empower listeners to confidently meet their parenting challenges. Being a family in our era is challenging under the best of circumstances.

All Ages

The pediatrician and dad Dr. Steve Silvestro brings the wisdom and insights of the world's best childhood health and wellness experts. He gives parents the best tools possible to raise happy, healthy, confident kids.

Liz Gumbinner and Kristen Chase invite celebrity guests for candid parenting discussions and a good dose of humor.

The pediatrician, mother, & best selling author engages with experts & parents to take on relevant issues, answer real questions, & provide simple hope & encouragement to every parent.

The podcast is titled "Raising Adults," arising from the fact that parents are often frustrated by the phrase "raising children." The podcast helps parents raise fully functioning, healthy, responsible, character-filled adults. They discuss relevant parenting issues with an eye toward the adults we want children to become.

Worry, anger, stress, perfectionism, body image: if you feel it, we want to talk about it. This is a show for humans of all ages about the difficult emotions we all struggle with. You'll learn tools for improved mindfulness, communication, and self-awareness.

Parenting tips, awesome interviews, and advice for parents of toddlers through teens about the real-life issues you face.

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Raising children means facing new and unexpected situations on an almost daily basis. That's why listening and learning from parenting experts or more experienced parents could be a great strategy. You can listen to these parenting podcasts in the car, during your morning walk or run, or even while doing household chores.

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Healthy Families

Programs & services for new families

NVFS Healthy Families provides the tools, guidance, and support that families need to build a healthy, successful life. The program provides free services in Arlington County, Fairfax County , the Greater Prince William Area and the city of Alexandria to promote healthy child development and to prevent child abuse and neglect for families with children pre-birth to age 3 or 4 (depending on the jurisdiction.)

Healthy Families' four goals are to promote positive, nurturing, responsive parenting; improve child health and development; promote school readiness; and prevent child abuse and neglect.

What to Expect: A staff member conducts an initial parent interview to determine eligibility as well as any need for other community resources. Once a family is enrolled, a family support specialist provides regular home visits from pregnancy until the child reaches the age of 3 or 4.

To learn more about eligibility and enrollment, please complete our interest form.

Visit our Healthy Families donation page here
We are proud affiliates of Healthy Families America and Healthy Families Virginia.

Thank you to our program partners who help us ensure that families in Northern Virginia thrive!

Contact

City of Alexandria: 571.278.6867

Arlington County: 703.944.8501

Fairfax County: 571.340.7012

The Greater Prince William Area: 703.944.8752

To acquire services outside of our area visit the HFA Site Finder
Donate

Healthy Families Interest Form

health
88%
of Early Head Start and Head Start kids have access to health and dental care

school readiness
94%
of Head Start students demonstrate readiness for kindergarten.

intervention
96%
of families enrolled in Healthy Families have an optimal home environment to support child development, or show improvement, after one year of participating

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Healthy Families - Northern Virginia Family Service

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Programs & services for new families NVFS Healthy Families provides the tools, guidance, and support that families need to build a healthy, successful life. The program provides free services in Arlington County, Fairfax County , the Greater Prince William Area and the city of Alexandria to promote healthy child development and to prevent child abuse and neglect for families with children pre-birth to age 3 or 4 (depending on the jurisdiction.)

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Need information on online textbooks, emergency preparedness, parenting classes, or renting FCPS facilities through community use? FCPS has online resources for these topics and much more.

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Is your group interested in using a school for a community meeting? Check the Community Use link below for details on how to reserve available space. Do you need information on financial aid for college, the gap year, or postsecondary education and the military? Check out the College and Career Planning page. Information on parenting classes, immigrant family reunification, or resources for military families can be found on the Family Engagement page, which also includes information on the parent liaison network that serves many of our schools.

Technology resources include information on Bring Your Own Device (BYOD), FCPS 24-7, the student information system (SIS), and Google Apps for education, as well as how to save money on computers and software via the [email protected] program.

Learn how to reach the school division's 24-7 safety line as well as emergency preparedness background information, factors considered when deciding on a weather cancellation, and information on bus transportation on our Safety and Security page. If you want additional information on wellness, check out the Wellness page with info from food and nutrition services, mental health and resiliency resources, school health information, and how to reach social workers, psychologists, and counselors who serve the schools.

Online Textbooks

Students are able to use online textbooks for certain courses.

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Resources for Families and Students | Fairfax County Public Schools

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Need information on online textbooks, emergency preparedness, parenting classes, or renting FCPS facilities through community use? FCPS has online resources for these topics and much more.

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Coordinated Services Planning (CSP) connects Fairfax County residents to county- and community-based services and resources that promote self-sufficiency and enhance well-being. We build upon clients' strengths to develop creative solutions that address immediate and long term needs.

Specialists operate in a call-center environment and are ready to help you through an assessment to identify the needs you have and link you to resources for which you are eligible. Whether it's providing basic county information or providing assistance for more emergent needs - such as emergency food, shelter, clothing, healthcare, employment, financial assistance and other essential needs - our specialists are ready to help you find solutions to fit your circumstances.

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Coordinated Services Planning (CSP) connects Fairfax County residents to county- and community-based services and resources that promote self-sufficiency and enhance well-being. We build upon clients' strengths to develop creative solutions that address immediate and long term needs.

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13 things mentally strong parents don't do : raising self-assured children and training their brains for a lifetime of happiness, meaning, and success

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13 things mentally strong parents don't do : raising self-assured children and training their brains for a lifetime of happiness, meaning, and success

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The gift of failure : how the best parents learn to let go so their children can succeed

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The gift of failure : how the best parents learn to let go so their children can succeed

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The power of showing up : how parental presence shapes who our kids become and how their brains get wired

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The power of showing up : how parental presence shapes who our kids become and how their brains get wired

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1-2-3 magic : effective discipline for children 2-12

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1-2-3 magic : effective discipline for children 2-12

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A child's early years are essential in developing a foundation for school success. FCPS works hard to provide programs and services that prepare young children and parents who need extra guidance and support to be ready to start kindergarten feeling confident and ready to learn. Some of the early childhood programs that FCPS offers include:

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A child's early years are essential in developing a foundation for school success. FCPS works hard to provide programs and services that prepare young children and parents who need extra guidance and support to be ready to start kindergarten feeling confident and ready to learn.

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Meeting the unique needs of our students with disabilities.

Family Resource Center

Our Family Resource Center (FRC) offers free webinars, consultations, a lending library, and resources to help adults support the success of all students, including those with learning challenges, special needs, and disabilities.

Family Resource Center (FRC)

FRC YouTube Channel

The Family Resource Center (FRC) YouTube Channel includes videos of workshops and webinars for families and educators to support student success.

FRC YouTube Channel

Need a copy of your student record? Request a transcript.

This site requires JavaScript to be enabled in order to run.

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Programs and services that meet the unique needs of students with disabilities.

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Find NCS Facilities Near You!

Locate Community Centers, Senior Centers, Teen Centers, Technology Programs and More!

Register Your Online NCS Account Today!

Create and manage an individual or family account for everyone in the household

Create one membership account that provides access to multiple NCS facilities

Obtain your official NCS Membership Card to make check-in at any NCS facility easier and faster

About Health & Human Services

This agency is a part of Fairfax County Health & Human Services (HHS). HHS is a network of county agencies and community partners that support the well-being of all who live, work, and play in Fairfax County.

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department of neighborhood and community services

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Neighborhood and Community Services | Neighborhood and Community Services

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Locate Community Centers, Senior Centers, Teen Centers, Technology Programs and More! Create and manage an individual or family account for everyone in the household Create one membership account that provides access to multiple NCS facilities Obtain your official NCS Membership Card to make check-in at any NCS facility easier and faster This agency is a part of Fairfax County Health & Human Services (HHS).

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Less Policing, More Parenting: How to Improve Your Child's Executive Functioning Skills without Arguments

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Less Policing, More Parenting: How to Improve Your Child's Executive Functioning Skills without Arguments

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Less Policing, More Parenting  How to Improve Your Child’s Executive Functioning Skills Without All

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Build your parenting on a solid foundation with PEP’s master classes.

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Discover how to bring out the best in your children, and in yourself, through tools to build a cooperative, calm, and connected family.

Each online, 4-week master class is offered monthly and includes:

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Discover how to bring out the best in your children, and in yourself, through tools to build a cooperative, calm, and connected family. Each online, 4-week master class is offered monthly and includes:

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by Amy DiLaura, CHC Marketing Manager As parents, we know the profound impact our words have on our children. What we say—and how we say it—can shape their self-esteem, confidence…

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The Juggle: Building Your Resilience Through Self Care

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The Juggle: Building Your Resilience Through Self Care

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The Juggle: Building our Resilience Through Self-Care

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Parenting and Professionalism: The Myth of Having it All

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Parenting and Professionalism: The Myth of Having it All

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Our approach to supporting parents is based on the belief that parents are the true experts on their children, and that there is no “one-size-fits-all” approach to raising children. The information and tools we offer are designed to support parents in developing their own ways to promote their child…

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Emotional and Mental Wellness for Families

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Emotional and Mental Wellness for Families

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2024 Print Family Support Resource Guide

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With every hug and every kiss, every song and every game, you can help your baby develop in so many ways. Just 15 minutes of play can spark millions of brain connections. And everyone can play a role! Here's how:

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With every hug and every kiss, every song and every game, you can help your baby develop in so many ways. Just 15 minutes of play can spark millions of brain connections. And everyone can play a role! Here's how:

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The Parent Education Advocacy Training Center

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The Parent Education Advocacy Training Center

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The Parent Educational Advocacy Training Center builds positive futures for Virginia's children by working collaboratively with families, schools and

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America's #1 Child Discipline Program - Dr Thomas Phelan's award-winning, best-selling 1-2-3 Magic Parenting program provides practical, easy-to-learn parenting techniques that WORK!

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Fathers, like mothers, play a significant role in their children's psychological and emotional development. When fathers are actively involved, children are less likely to experience:

Mental illness

Juvenile delinquency

Youth sexual activity

Teenage pregnancy

Substance use

Childhood poverty

High school drop out

We Believe:

Fathers are irreplaceable in the lives of their children

There is a direct link between positive father involvement and child well-being

Fathers contribute to their children's safety and stability.

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Fathers, like mothers, play a significant role in their children's psychological and emotional development. When fathers are actively involved, children are less likely to experience: Mental illness Juvenile delinquency Youth sexual activity Teenage pregnancy Substance use Childhood poverty High school drop out We Believe: Fathers are irreplaceable in the lives of their children There is a direct link between positive father involvement and child well-being Fathers contribute to their children's safety and stability.

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Advice for Moving With Children - Child Mind Institute

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Moving can be stressful for children, who depend on routine. Tips on breaking the news, settling into the new house, and working with a new school.

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Many children struggle with transitions, which are common triggers for behaviors that range from annoying (whining, stalling) to upsetting ( tantrums and meltdowns).

There are many ways parents and teachers can help kids have an easier time with transitions - and be able to behave better-but it may take a little experimentation to find out what clicks with each particular child.

These tools are useful to help kids of all stripes with transitions. But for kids with ADHD, anxiety, autism, or sensory processing, this kind of scaffolding is particularly crucial and can make the difference between a good day and a bad one. Over a period of time it can help pave the way for success.

Create routines: If a child "doesn't want to transition because they like consistency and routine and structure," says Michael Rosenthal, PhD, a clinical neuropsychologist, "then start by building in consistency and routine and structure into the transition process itself."

For transitions that will happen every day, like turning off the phone to go to bed, consistent routines can have big payoff. A bedtime routine, for example, might seem like something for babies, but having a predictable structure in place can be reassuring and helpful even for older kids (and adults!).

Preview and count down: Along with routines, previewing and countdowns are key. In the morning you might lay out what the day is going to look like. Dr. Rosenthal suggests doing a role-play in which you practice moving from activity to activity to "engage them in the process."

Then before each transition, give a timeframe and description of what will happen along with countdowns (in 20 minutes, then 10, then 5 it will be time to finish breakfast and head to school). This is "allows them to emotionally get ready for an event," explains Dr. Rosenthal.

Give it a sound track: For younger kids in particular, songs can be especially effective tools to help implement routines and ease transitions. The "clean up" song can be heard in preschools throughout the country for good reason, but there are countless other songs to be found (and made up!) to suit a variety of situations from tying shoes to brushing teeth.

Visual cues: Other kids may benefit from visual cues. Being able to point to a chart with drawings about what to expect from a particular transition or the steps involved can help some people immensely. These are common in lower grade classrooms but could be easily adapted at home.

Get their attention: For kids with ADHD in particular, says Matthew Rouse, PhD, a clinical psychologist, it's important to make a connection with the child to ensure that you have their attention and that the information is sinking in. This could mean eye contact, sitting next to them, a hand on their shoulder, or asking them to repeat back what you have said. Simply yelling at them from the other side of the room and assuming it's gotten through won't work and will only lead to frustration on both sides.

Use rewards: Rouse points out that rewards can be an effective tool for all kinds of kids and issues. These can be things like stickers, snacks, or a point system that leads to tangible rewards. Schools and parents alike can implement reward systems, and once the kid gets into the habit of seamlessly transitioning you might be able to phase it out.

Implement appropriate consequences: If a transition is not going well, David Anderson, PhD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, recommends paying less attention to it rather than escalating the situation.

"Ignore it as long as they're at least making an effort to make the transition or approximating the transition," he says. "If they're really egregiously misbehaving then use an appropriate consequence for that behavior that makes the child understand that behavior is off limits."

Praise good transitioning: Finally, Dr. Rouse urges parents to recognize when things go well. "For all the times it's gone wrong," he says, "there have probably been a lot more times when it's gone right. Don't lose those opportunities to be really enthusiastic and say this was so great, it went so smoothly, I really liked how you handed over the iPad right away and started brushing your teeth, and now we have more time to read."

Be specific in your praise, and follow up with a reward when appropriate.With the right support, children can learn to change gears without whining and tantrums.

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How Can We Help Kids With Transitions? - Child Mind Institute

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With the right support, children can learn to change gears without whining and tantrums and have smoother transitions in life and the classroom.

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As our kids get older we spend a lot of time thinking about what can go wrong during the teenage years. We worry about reckless driving, unprotected sex, alcohol, and drugs-to say nothing of the whole college application process. We're so focused on the challenges of adolescence, and how to respond to them, that we tend to overlook the crucial stage that precedes it.

Pre-adolescence, often referred to as the " tween " years (defined loosely as the years between eight or nine to twelve) is a time of monumental shifts in your child's physical, cognitive, emotional, and social development. It's a time of growing independence but it can also be scary for kids. So while it's completely normal for your child to start turning away from you and relying more on friends, kids this age are still very much in need of parental support and guidance-even when they tell you otherwise. In order to help, you need to understand how your preteens and tweens are changing both inside and out.

Girls especially are heading in to puberty at an earlier age than they used to. It's not uncommon for it to start at 9, 10, or 11 years old, with boys tending to trail just a little behind them. Some parents feel as if their little kids have morphed into new beings practically overnight. "My son grew six inches and his voice changed completely all when he was eleven," says Michael Levine, a professor at Rutgers University. "I kept messages of his little boy voice on my phone for a year because it all happened so fast. I wasn't quite prepared for it."

Laura Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist , says that those kinds of physical changes can result in awkwardness, clumsiness, and actual growing pains from extreme growth spurts. They can also cause kids to become really self-conscious about their bodies. And yet, despite how major the changes may look on the outside, they're not as fundamental as what's going on inside.

The biggest shift according to Dr. Kirmayer is a complete change in the way your preteen thinks. It's at this age that kids go from the more literal and self-absorbed perspective they've been using to view the world for the first 8 years of their lives to what Dr. Kirmayer calls a "meta-cognitive state." That means "they're starting to develop the ability to be aware of their own thoughts as well as others' thoughts," she explains.

Which means all of a sudden they may go from being blissfully uninhibited to caring what other kids think of them, wanting to fit in, feeling left out, and comparing themselves to their peers. "They're starting to realize that there are other opinions and values and viewpoints than their own," Dr. Kirmayer says, "and that's a whole new world that they're being exposed to and having to learn how to regulate and tolerate."

Because the hallmark of this age is an awareness of others-especially of peers-the social landscape of your child's life changes profoundly during this period in ways that are both good and bad. Major social factors that come up during pre-adolescence include:

Independence: Because of the change in the way they see themselves and each other, pre-adolescents become progressively more attuned to their peers and less identified with their families and parents. Luke Hruska will be 10 in August and this summer, when the family went on their annual vacation to Watch Hill, Rhode Island, his mother, Flossie Crisp, says they saw a dramatic change.

"He used to be the kind of kid who at a birthday party would linger on the sidelines," she explains. "This summer I saw a major transformation where he was sort of drunk with this new-found self-confidence and he'd go hopping off on his bike with his friends at 6:30 in the morning without telling us. So he has a lot more self-confidence in good ways and bad ways because there's a little bit of swagger and attitude." At 12, Luke's sister Bea is already at the eye-rolling stage when it comes to her parents. "She has definitely reached the age where she's embarrassed by us and she thinks we don't understand," Crisp says.

Social Hierarchy and Cliques: "Pre-teens are looking more to their peer group for advice and guidance," says Dr. Kirmayer. "At the same time they're all going through major shifts physically and cognitively, and are feeling the awkwardness and self-consciousness of all that-and that's where you can run into some of the really tough social dynamics." This is the age when bullying can really become a big problem.

Molly Cobhern's family actually moved to a different town because of her middle school experience. "My pre-teen years were terrible!" says Molly, who's now in high school. At the time, her mother, Tina, admits she thought the problem with the school was mostly academic. She didn't realize Molly was being targeted by the "mean girls" in her grade. "Molly's personality was such that I didn't really know how bad it was because she was like 'I don't like these girls anyway, I'm fine, I'm fine.' "

It turns out Molly wasn't fine. "She was pissed and angry and frustrated and it had an impact on her academic performance. And so there was tension in the house over that," Tina says. "We were blaming her for bad grades but she was just unhappy. She had it coming from all sides." The family moved after Molly finished sixth grade and her mother saw a huge change. "She was 13 when she finally admitted that it had really gotten under her skin."

The Gender Code: The gender code is the barrage of cultural messages received by both girls and boys everyday, from the media, from parents and teachers, from commercials and fashion magazines and the Internet, telling them what it "means" to be a girl or boy-how they should look, act, think, and feel. "The gender code comes in loud and clear at this time, while their bodies are also changing," says Harvard psychologist and school consultant Catherine Steiner-Adair, EdD, "and that brings with it all kinds of issues about what it means to be a boy and a girl that are harmful to both genders."

For girls this is the age when body image issues start to arise. Studies show that self-esteem in girls peaks at age 9 and for many decreases sharply by age 12. Girls are objectified and sexualized at an earlier and earlier age (just take a look at a Bratz doll). The problem and its consequences have become so widespread over the last decade that in 2007, the American Psychological Association formed a Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls. "If you grow up as a young girl being prematurely objectified, says Douglas Bunnell, PhD, a clinical psychologist, "that begins to create an internal representation of yourself. It's not just that people are susceptible to the culture, but it actually becomes a core part of the way you see yourself."

Boys don't have it much better when it comes to the cultural cues they receive.

"One of the really hard things for boys at this age," says Dr. Steiner-Adair, "is that the messages from the dominate culture are so harmful to them about their capacity for love, for real friendships, for relationships. They say that anything to do with real feelings-love, sadness, vulnerability-is girly, therefore bad."

Self-Identity: Don't be surprised if you see your kid trying on a new personality every other week during the tween years. While kids feel a certain pressure to fit in, they are also experimenting with who they want to be, how they want to dress and talk, and what kind of humor they think is funny. They may take on the role of leader one week, follower the next, rebel the week after that. "They're still trying to flesh out who they are," Dr. Kirmayer says. "So you see them trying out different trends. They're really still testing the waters."

Emotional development

Just to add a little more drama to the changes taking place, the early adolescent brain is also evolving with regard to emotional development in ways that makes kids both more sensitive to their own emotions and to those of others. They develop a heightened reactivity to emotion, but their brain development lags in the regions that are active in regulating emotions.

"They're fumbling with the ability to interpret other peoples' emotions and even their own emotions," says Dr. Kirmayer. "It's a tough stage and a lot of parents will talk about how suddenly their child is really moody. It's normal for kids this age to have these really intense swings of emotions and interpersonal dynamics. But it's histrionic. One day it's 'you're my best friend ever' and the next day it's 'you're not my friend any more ever.' It can be really hard for parents."

Imagine looking at the world one way your entire life and then having the way you perceive things, including your own feelings and thoughts and your place in the world, shift over the course of a few months. This is the exciting, sometimes frightening new territory your pre-adolescent is navigating every day. She is not the same little kid she was just a few months ago, but she still needs her parents' support and guidance. In order to set the stage for a good relationship with her as she moves into adolescence, you need to change the way you relate to her in keeping with the seismic shifts going on in her.

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Parenting Tweens: What You Should Know - Child Mind Institute

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Kids go through big changes in the tween, or preadolescent years, and their early push for independence challenging be challenging for parents. Here's how to stay on top of it.

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From beloved classics to new releases, learn how children’s literature can positively impact young minds. Discover essential resources for parents and educators from Octane Seating.

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I found porn on my 11-year-old’s phone. Should I talk to him? - Child Mind Institute

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The short answer is yes, talk to your son about the porn on his phone. It might be an awkward conversation, but you don’t want him to have to hide this stuff away or be ashamed of his curiosity.

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Before hopping aboard the roller coaster ride called parenthood, people sans kids have likely witnessed exasperated moms and dads losing it in Aisle 5 and thought smugly, "I'm never going to yell at my kids."

And then they have families of their own and reality sets in. For as their munchkins reach each much-anticipated developmental milestone, they acquire some less desirable skills as well. So a 2-year-old who "scribbles spontaneously" may very well exhibit their newfound talent all over freshly painted walls and prized furniture, while emerging language allows them to repeat certain choice words again and again, including the ever-popular "No!"

Parents know that in the midst of the mayhem, staying calm (aka not yelling) is a golden rule. But unless you're made of stone, it's pretty tough to maintain a measured tone when you're dealing with kids day in and day out. When parents yell, "they've lost it," says Steven G. Dickstein, MD, a child and adolescent psychiatrist. "They're overwhelmed with anger or frustration."

There are very few situations that merit yelling, other than when a child is doing something dangerous or harmful. Yet "I don't think there's a parent who hasn't yelled," says Alice Long, who blogs at Mother L about son D, 3, and daughter Em, 2. "This will happen. Let it go."

So why is it so important to be firm - without raising your voice?

Upping the ante, losing the message: Yelling often fails to get the point across because emotions can overcome the message. It will also likely escalate the situation, and the child's aggression, be it verbal or physical.

Heard it all before: If parents yell all the time, Dr. Dickstein notes, "kids may either shut down or ignore it because it's nothing new." Adds Kara Gebhart Uhl, a mother of three and the blogger behind Pleiades Bee, "Sometimes, a whispered 'I'm very disappointed with your actions' is much more startling to a child than a screaming rant."

Hard on self-esteem: We know that yelling and harsh parenting are associated with lower self-esteem for kids, and can affect their performance in school. Kids who are the object of verbal aggression are at risk for aggressive or disruptive behavior. Dr. Dickstein cautions that when mom or dad yells, kids may feel the parent doesn't "love them or even like them" and can only criticize.

Missing out on the positive: When yelling is the chronic mode of communication, both children and parents are missing out on the chance to form positive, affectionate bonds. And for kids predisposed to anxiety and depression, internalizing these negative interactions may be the tipping point.

You feel bad, too: Meanwhile, blowouts can leave parents feeling guilty, frustrated and demoralized. Adults who express anger in negative ways increase their chronic stress, which contributes to health problems.

Addressing inappropriate behavior calmly enables you to focus on teaching the child what's problematic about their behavior, and following through with effective consequences.

Modeling behavior is major: When parents practice healthy self-regulation, it helps kids learn how to self-regulate themselves. Mom Regina Myers testifies that when she turns the volume way down, her "teenager responds much better and yells less himself!"

Kids feel safer. The best style of parenting features "a high degree of nurturing, firm but kind," says clinical psychologist Melanie Fernandez. As much as children and teens may act like they want control, what really makes them feel safe are calm, consistent, fair authority figures. (There's a reason why some parents look to Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan for child-rearing tips. After all, good parents must be leaders of their pack, um, family.)

If you work on specific strategies that help yourself feel calmer, you can help your children learn to regulate better.

Identify problem interactions: Pinpoint the recurring problems that frequently set you and your kids off. If getting out the door for school in the morning i s a chronic issue, solutions might include laying out their clothes and showering the night before, or everyone waking up a bit earlier. Try to break it down into steps you can tackle calmly.

Create consistency: With younger kids, it helps to create a set routine with simple, one-step directions that could include visual aids, not to mention plenty of labeled praise and rewards.

Consider triggers: Being aware of the context of the behavior allows for calmer responses. If we recognize when a child is cranky because they missed their snack or is overtired, it can be easier to temper our own frayed feelings.

Understanding = patience: It's also important for parents to know and understand their children's capabilities, since this can help them become more patient. Understanding her son's issues - he was diagnosed with sensory processing disorder - was "a game changer" for Long. You can become calmer, she says, when you "accept kids as they are, love them as they are, and recognize that half the problem is how you react."

Time management: Trying to do too much causes stress. "The times I lose it are the times when I'm already overtaxing myself," Long says. "The time to do bills is not when the kids are at the table doing an art project." She notes that parents trying to multi-task increases the risk of kids misbehaving. "Just be there with your kids; it's less likely they'll throw their breakfast on the floor."

Count to 10: All the parents interviewed for this article had one key piece of advice: Take a break and breathe. It's important to recognize when you're about to lose control so you can step away from the situation, even leaving the room when you can do it safely. (A mom who tells her child she's taking a time out is modeling self-calming behavior.) "I'm not a yeller," Uhl says. "But when I feel myself becoming hot with frustration and I hear myself getting louder and louder, I stop, check myself, take a deep breath, and start over."

Disengage: Actively ignoring problem behaviors is another strategy that helps stop parents from yelling. If you disengage from the situation until you regain your composure, you won't be feeding the fire. (This cannot be done when a child is being aggressive or destructive.) Instead, by responding positively to only desired behavior, parents reinforce what they want vs. what they don't want. Plus, by allowing kids to practice "slowing their engines down" on their own, without parental prompts, they're learning how to handle frustration.

Learn to let go and when to laugh it off: Along with ignoring comes learning to loosen up. "If the snack ends up on the floor," Long says, "instead of getting mad at the kids, I'll say, 'Oh no, you made a mess, let's clean it up together.' Do what you have to do to make it easier on yourself."

Seek support: Long adds that it also helps to have a safety net of friends and relatives for those extremely bad days when you don't feel you can calm yourself down and need to call in reinforcements. Blogs, support groups, other parents and clinicians can all help by assuring parents they aren't alone.

Own up to your feelings: Depending on the age and developmental level of the child, parents may, after things have calmed down, model for their kids how to talk about feelings. "You can tell them you're not feeling respected or you're feeling ignored," Dr. Dickstein says. Dan Janzen, who has had "a hotheaded moment or two" with his son, 9, and daughter, 6, says he tries to give them "a way to understand the yelling - it's not because they're bad kids; it's because I lost my temper. 'I'm sorry I lost my temper - that was kind of rough, and I shouldn't yell at you. But do you understand why I got little frustrated?' And then we have a brief conversation about the situation."

"I also make a point of always following up quickly with something along the lines of, 'Even when I lose my temper, I still love you,'" Janzen adds. "I think the running theme is to try to keep the eruptions from undermining their trust or security. No matter what happens, I'm still the same slightly ridiculous but well-intentioned daddy who loves them."

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Calm Voices, Calmer Kids - Child Mind Institute

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Does tone of voice affect communication between parents and children? Child Mind Institute explains the benefits of keeping calm, and gives tips for handling conflict calmly.

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Disruptive Behavior: Why It's Often Misdiagnosed 

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Disruptive Behavior: Why It's Often Misdiagnosed 

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Some conditions that can be missed when a child is diagnosed with ODD include an anxiety disorder, which makes it hard for them to handle stressful situations, or ADHD, which makes it hard for them to control their impulses.

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Disruptive Behavior: Why It's Often Misdiagnosed - Child Mind Institute

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Frequent outbursts and other disruptive, even explosive, behavior often stems from anxiety or frustration that may not be apparent to parents or teachers.

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Cynthia Braun remembers all too well what weekday mornings used to be like at her house. Since her husband had to leave early for work, it was up to Braun, a pediatrician with a practice in Pleasantville, New York, to get Anika and Devon, then 6 and 3, up and dressed, give them breakfast, pack their lunches and get them to preschool. "Our morning routine was just a lot of work," she says. "Nobody was doing what they were supposed to be doing. They couldn't care less about the time, while I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get everything done."

It's a familiar scenario for a lot of parents with school-age kids. And for parents of kids with issues like ADHD, transition times like getting to school or moving from one activity to another can be especially difficult. Another mom, Sandy Isaac, says that when not one but both of her kids, then 8 and 4, were diagnosed with ADHD, it was a lot to take in. She realized things at home had to change.

Both Braun and Isaac enrolled in Dr. Mark Bertin's mindfulness-based parenting class. "I felt like I was not being as good a parent as I wanted to be and I wanted to figure out if mindfulness could give me a better perspective and some strategies to implement," says Braun.

Dr. Bertin, a developmental pediatrician who specializes in treating kids with issues like ADHD, autism and learning disabilities, says in general he runs a pretty traditional medical practice. But he's been a practitioner of mindfulness for nearly 20 years. In 2007, he began offering Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Classes for parents of kids with and without special challenges. "Often when you have a kid with ADHD," he says, "you have a very stressful family situation and I think one of the things that happens is that things get very focused on helping the children, which is fine except that the parents get stressed and overwhelmed."

The largest section of Dr. Bertin's book, The Family ADHD Solution, is devoted to mindfulness for parents because, he says, "parenting in general, but especially parenting kids with disabilities, is really, really stressful. And when it comes to ADHD, there's research showing that parents are at a much greater risk for anxiety, depression and marital stress. "

Braun says through Dr. Bertin's class she not only developed a mindfulness practice of her own (which includes guided mediation, body scan, and breathing exercises) but she learned that slowing things down, stepping back and observing her own reactions, gave her the perspective to effectively restructure her family's morning routine. "I realized I was pushing them to do things really fast. He's three, he wants to choose his own clothes, and if he puts it on backwards, I was realizing that's okay. It's okay for them to be mismatched. It doesn't really matter if they have toothpaste on their T-shirts. Things don't have to be a certain way. I'm going to make my morning slower. I'm going to wake them up earlier. I'll have to get up earlier, but I want our mornings to start with a happy mood instead of all this stress and rushing.'"

Mindful mornings may be less efficient, but they're more pleasurable. "What's happening right now is all there is," Braun adds. "Why make everybody unhappy? If we're five minutes late to preschool it doesn't change anything. What changes things is the frustration, and the stress that builds up and then everything unravels."

Isaac says she learned from Dr. Bertin techniques to keep things from escalating when somebody isn't on board with whatever the agenda is. "He brings a lot of insight into really taking the time to step back," she says, "and looking at what creates that situation, and slowing people down.

Slowing life down in general seems to be a common theme, something that's simple but important for parents, especially parents of kids with ADHD and other disorders that involve difficult behaviors, to do: to take a breath and listen to what their children are trying to tell them with their behavior. "It makes you stop and think about how you're running things as a parent and how you're setting things up for success or not," says Issac. "If you have two kids with this stuff going on and you make the routine of the day one where everyone is rushing, rushing, and you pack too much into it, there's not enough downtime, then that's just a recipe for making it worse."

Parents, Issac says, often forget what their children need. "Because the other component to the whole thing is - and I don't think I just speak for myself," she says, "the parents are busy, busy people and wrapped up in whatever the day is, and also, this stuff runs in families."

When parents become stressed that stress becomes contagious; children know when their parents are tense and overwhelmed. In fact, according to Dr. Amy Saltzman, a holistic physician and mindfulness coach (and creator of the Still Quiet Place CDs for Young Children and Teens), "Data shows that the greatest source of childhood and adolescent stress is not school work, extracurricular activities, or peer pressure, but parental stress." So being a good parent means learning to manage your own stress.

Dr. Elisha Goldstein, a psychologist who uses mindfulness in his Los Angeles practice, thinks parents often have an innate sense of inadequacy when it comes to their own children. When it comes to parenting mindfully, says Dr. Goldstein, "a lot of the work is about learning to make peace with our imperfections. Because we're going to do things that are going to land our kids in therapy, we're gonna do things that hurt our kids. We can beat ourselves up. But if, instead, we were able to make peace with our imperfections and begin to regulate our emotional state, we can be calmer and more present for our kids and cultivate some self-compassion."

Ending the perfectionism can also set a good example for kids, observes Dr. Goldstein, whose mindfulness book The Now Effect: How This Moment Can Change the Rest of Your Life includes a parenting chapter. "Parents serve as role models for kids," he says. "Kids are sponges. So at the end of the day that's really good modeling for the kids because the kids are also going to be imperfect in their lifetime."

There's science to show that taking a deep breath and staying calm when your children are pushing you to the edge actually causes positive changes in the brain. Let's say it's the end of a long rainy Sunday and you've been stuck inside with three little kids. One child is picking on another, who in turn is crying, while the third spills juice all over the floor. "If you can just say to yourself in that moment, 'This is chaos,' " Dr. Goldstein says, "not in an anxious or fearful way, but just name it, research shows us we turn the volume down on the amygdala, which is the fear circuit of the brain, and bring more activity to the pre-frontal cortex, so we can be more aware of what's happening right now.

Create a safe environment

Your calm response helps kids calm down, too, he notes. "They say, 'Okay, I can trust my parent to be in control, this is a safe environment.' And they feel more secure and they thrive. So that's another benefit of parents practicing it on their own."

It seems there's no one right way to parent mindfully. Happily, there are many right ways. Sometimes the smallest adjustment in a child's schedule can change a whole family's day-to-day life. And sometimes, Dr. Bertin says, "It's as simple as practicing paying full attention to our kids, with openness and compassion, and maybe that's enough at any moment."

Frequently Asked Questions

What is mindful parenting?

How can I practice mindful parenting?

How does mindful parenting help kids?

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Mindful Parenting - Child Mind Institute

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Learn and implement mindful parenting. Child Mind Institute helps parents practice mindfulness and reduce stress and anxiety for both parents and kids.

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How Can We Help Kids With Self-Regulation? 

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How Can We Help Kids With Self-Regulation? 

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If you're a parent, chances are you've witnessed a tantrum or two in your day. We expect them in two-year-olds. But if your child reaches school age and meltdowns and outbursts are still frequent, it may be a sign that they have difficulty with emotional self-regulation.

Simply put, self-regulation is the difference between a two-year-old and a five-year-old who is more able to control their emotions. Helping kids who haven't developed self-regulation skills at the typical age is the goal of parent training programs. And many older children, even if they're beyond tantrums, continue to struggle with impulsive and inappropriate behavior.

What is self-regulation?

Self-regulation is the ability to manage your emotions and behavior in accordance with the demands of the situation. It includes being able to resist highly emotional reactions to upsetting stimuli, to calm yourself down when you get upset, to adjust to a change in expectations, and to handle frustration without an outburst. It is a set of skills that enables children, as they mature, to direct their own behavior towards a goal, despite the unpredictability of the world and our own feelings.

What does emotional dysregulation look like?

Problems with self-regulation manifest in different ways depending on the child, says Matthew Rouse, PhD, a clinical psychologist. "Some kids are instantaneous - they have a huge, strong reaction and there's no lead-in or build-up," he says. "They can't inhibit that immediate behavior response."

For other kids, he notes, distress seems to build up and they can only take it for so long. Eventually it leads to some sort of behavioral outburst. "You can see them going down the wrong path but you don't know how to stop it."

The key for both kinds of kids is to learn to handle those strong reactions and find ways to express their emotions that are more effective (and less disruptive) than having a meltdown.

Why do some kids struggle with self-regulation?

Dr. Rouse sees emotional control issues as a combination of temperament and learned behavior.

"A child's innate capacities for self-regulation are temperament and personality-based," he explains. Some babies have trouble self-soothing, he adds, and get very distressed when you're trying to bathe them or put on clothes. Those kids may be more likely to experience trouble with emotional self-regulation when they're older.

But the environment plays a role as well. When parents give in to tantrums or work overtime to soothe their children when they get upset and act out, kids have a hard time developing self-discipline. "In those situations, the child is basically looking to the parents to be external self-regulators," Dr. Rouse says. "If that's a pattern that happens again and again, and a child is able to 'outsource' self-regulation, then that's something that might develop as a habit."

Children with ADHD or anxiety may find it particularly challenging to manage their emotions, and need more help to develop emotional regulation skills.

How do we teach self-regulation skills?

Scott Bezsylko, the executive director of the Winston Prep schools for children with learning differences, says that acting out is essentially an ineffective response to a stimulus. The parent or teacher needs to help the child slow down and more carefully choose an effective response instead of being impulsive.

"We approach self-regulation skills in the same way we approach other skills, academic or social: isolate that skill and provide practice," Bezsylko explains. "When you think of it as a skill to be taught - rather than, say, just bad behavior - it changes the tone and content of the feedback you give kids. "

The key to learning self-regulation skills, says Dr. Rouse, is not to avoid situations that are difficult for kids to handle, but to coach kids through them and provide a supportive framework - clinicians call it "scaffolding" the behavior you want to encourage - until they can handle these challenges on their own.

Imagine a situation that can produce strong negative emotions, like a frustrating math homework assignment. If a parent hovers too much, they risk taking over the regulation role. "Instead of the child recognizing that the work is frustrating and figuring out how to handle it," Dr. Rouse explains, "what they feel is that the parent is frustrating them by making them do it."

Scaffolding in this situation might be helping the child with one problem, and then expecting them to try the rest. If they feel frustrated, they might get up and get a drink. They might use a timer to give themselves periodic breaks. The parent would check in on them at intervals, and offer praise for their efforts.

If a child is prone to melting down when they're asked to stop playing a video game, scaffolding might be practicing transitioning away from the game. "You'd want to practice with a game in which they're not overly invested - you don't want to begin with high-stakes," Dr. Rouse explains. "Have them practice playing for two or three minutes and then handing you the game. They get points towards something they want every time they do it."

Dry runs are another way to scaffold self-regulation. For instance, if you've had trouble with a child reacting impulsively or having a tantrum in a store, make a short visit when you don't need to do serious shopping. Have them practice walking with you, keeping their hands to themselves. They get points towards some goal every time they are successful.

Dr. Rouse says that often parents get discouraged when things don't go well the first time they try skill-building, but consistency and starting at a level that is appropriate for your child are key. Rather than giving up, try paring down the activity so it is more doable, and slowly give your child more and more independence to handle it.

For instance, if brushing their teeth is a problem for your child, you might start by focusing just on putting toothpaste on the brush, and respond with positive feedback and rewards when they do it. Once they've practiced that a few times, add the next step in the chain.

Similarly, if getting out the door in the morning is causing meltdowns, target one step at a time. First, say, getting dressed by 7:15. Once they've mastered that, set a target time for breakfast, and add that. Breaking the chain into small steps allows them to build self-regulation skills in manageable increments.

Help kids become self-reflective

Bezsylko stresses that when parents or teachers approach impulsive, inappropriate behavior calmly and give them time, kids can learn to choose better ways to respond to that situation. The feedback kids need is non-judgmental and non-emotional: what went wrong, and why, and how they can fix it next time.

"When kids are part of an environment that's reflective and analytic as opposed to emotional and fast-paced," Bezsylko explains, "they can learn to make better choices." Slowing down allows children to become more thoughtful, reflective and self-aware. "We need to slow down and model self-reflection and self-awareness and self-regulation for our kids," he notes, "but it's also helpful and good for us, too."

Bezsylko notes that mindfulness and meditation are good for everyone, but especially for children with self-regulation challenges. And Dr. Rouse mentions the many parent training programs available to help them become better coaches for their kids. For older kids, dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is also an option, as it focuses on distress tolerance and emotion regulation.

At the end of the day, though, nothing can replace the work of the parent. "It seems to me," says Dr. Rouse, "that the family environment is the most important piece."

Frequently Asked Questions

How can I help my child regulate their emotions?

What is self-regulation in child development?

At what age can a child control their emotions?

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How Can We Help Kids With Self-Regulation? - Child Mind Institute

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Tips for helping kids improve their self-regulation skills when they need help to control emotions, handle frustration and resist impulsive behavior. Advice from experts.

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Emotions can be volatile. They can prompt us to do or say things that are harmful, hurtful, or just plain regrettable - so we do our best to manage, or regulate, them. Self-regulation looks like taking a deep breath and saying, "Please put your Legos away after you finish playing, so I don't step on one" instead of scooping up every Lego in your house and chucking them out the window.

As adults, we practice self-regulation all the time in interactions with our co-workers, friends, and partners. It's not always easy, but we know that it's more effective and productive to talk about what's upsetting us rather than to just react.

But self-regulation is not innate; it's a set of skills everyone must learn. Developmentally, kids are like cars with faulty brakes, born with the capacity to experience every shade of emotion but none of the tools to regulate them.

Co-regulation is a mutual act, an exchange of calm that occurs between two people. But when it comes to adults (who have acquired the cognitive tools to manage their emotions) and children, co-regulation also means helping a child learn how to regulate their own emotions by showing empathy and modeling calmness. Co-regulation does not mean pretending to exist in a state of calm all the time or never getting angry. It means actively managing your own emotions to help kids learn to manage theirs.

Co-regulation is both something you actively do as well as a biological process - it happens in your body. Research shows that we can directly influence certain processes in one another, such as the production of a stress hormone called cortisol. The distress of others - say, a wailing child - can cause us to feel similar distress. And when we remain calm, we can influence the production of hormones in others to help them calm down too.

Co-regulation has recently become a buzzword in parenting circles, but LaKisha Hoffman, MSW, first encountered the concept as an assistant school principal in Richmond, California. "Students would come to me and be like, 'Oh, my teacher did this.' Then the teacher would also come to me and be like, 'Oh, the student did this and this,'" she recalls.

Teachers seemed to find that kids' behaviors set off their own emotions in ways that were difficult to control. "Some teachers were triggered by students getting up and walking around," Hoffman says. "Some were triggered by students who were talking out of turn. Some were triggered by students who were challenging them."

Hoffman, who is now the senior director of School and Community Programs at the Child Mind Institute, could empathize with teachers' frustrations. But she also recognized that, as adults, teachers had a greater responsibility to be aware of their own triggers so they could support and engage with students even when they acted out.

For adults - parents, caretakers, or teachers - co-regulation begins with self-regulation. Everyone is shaped by their own personal experiences. "We're all human," Hoffman says. "Different things set us off as adults. How do we recognize those things? How do we cope, soothe ourselves in those moments? That's the first step."

Hoffman, a former college basketball player, coaches several youth teams. She recognizes that one of her triggers is when a child bounces a ball while she's talking. It's a small thing, but Hoffman knows from experience that it bothers her. "But I can't just be like, 'STOP bouncing the basketball,'" she says. "I can't interact with them like that. I have to be calm in that moment and say, 'Hey, what's happening now? Are you supposed to be bouncing the ball?' I have to build a culture for them to understand why they shouldn't do that."

Humans have evolved stress responses to help us respond to danger, but those responses can be triggered by stress even when it isn't life-threatening. Perhaps you've heard the term fight-or-flight? Other stress responses include freeze and the lesser-known fawn (appeasing someone to avoid conflict). Say your child throws a tantrum in the grocery store because you took their iPad away. So, you give it back to avoid a scene. This is a fawn response. Fawn responses are also common among people who have experienced trauma, such as abuse.

Is your instinct to yell when your child upsets you (fight)? Instead, do you tend to walk away (flight) or are their reactions sometimes so overwhelming that you get mentally "stuck" and shut down (freeze)? Stress responses can become ingrained. But when you can recognize why you react to something that upsets you a certain way, you can find better ways to cope.

The phrase "take a deep breath" is a cliché for fighting stress. But decades of research show that deep breathing has profound effects on the regions of the brain that govern emotion and cognition. We tend to breathe too fast (hyperventilate) when we panic, so techniques to slow breathing can help us calm down. Even a few deep breaths can kick-start the process. Some specific techniques include belly breathing, box breathing, and butterfly breathing - a particularly good exercise to do with kids.

Of course, you can always just gulp in more air, but the purpose of deep breathing is really self-awareness. When we step outside of ourselves and acknowledge that yes, we are in fact quite angry, we are taking the first step toward controlling the anger - or whatever emotion we're feeling.

When adults can identify their own triggers and stress responses, they are better equipped to recognize them in kids.

Emotional dysregulation can look different depending on the person and situation. For a lot of kids, particularly young kids, dysregulation might look like screaming, stomping feet, or pounding fists on the floor. But consider fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Dysregulation can also look like withdrawing, overcompliance with adults, or an inability to say "no."

And dysregulation can escalate. "If I get worked up and kids are looking at me, then they all get worked up," says Hoffman. "Then we've just got a whole bunch of worked up people. How do we problem solve in that moment?"

The goal of co-regulation is to reverse course, to de-escalate intensifying stress.

Not all co-regulation is conscious. Our bodies and brains can respond to others without us even realizing it. That said, there are actions we can take to cue the process. Much like the way deep breathing sends a message to your brain to calm down, there are things you can do to send a similar message to another person's body.

Whether you're a teacher or a caregiver, it's important to teach kids strategies for calming down, like deep breathing exercises, before you need to reach for them in a crisis. When our emotions are out of whack, we can't easily focus on or process new information because our brains are too busy dealing with the stress.

Let's say a child is having a meltdown. They're collapsed in a puddle on the floor, hiccup-sobbing and struggling to catch their breath. The first thing you need to do is take stock of your own physical reaction - Is your heart beating faster? Do you feel your face getting hot? - and take a few deep breaths. Relax your body, then:

Get on their level. When a child feels overwhelmed, it's tough to help them calm down when you're towering over them. If you can, get close to eye level and look them in the eyes. Research shows that eye contact fosters trust and connectedness. Eye contact can help kids feel safe. But it's also important to note that some kids with autism can be hypersensitive to direct eye contact. so it's best to take your cues from the individual child.

Name their emotion. For example: "It looks like you're really upset, right now." Labeling a child's emotion lets kids know explicitly that you can see what they might be feeling. You're validating the emotion here, not the behavior - it's okay to feel bad. Labeling also teaches them to notice and name their own emotions, which for very young kids is not intuitive.

Change your tone. Be sure to keep your tone calm, and don't raise your voice. Trying your best to sound relaxed can be a powerful disruptor when a child is upset because we tend to imitate the behaviors we see in others. This "mirroring" happens subconsciously, as a product of mirror neurons in the brain. And there is growing evidence that suggests mirror neurons play an important role in how we learn and express empathy.

Give them a hug or a squeeze. When children are extremely dysregulated, they might be sensitive or even averse to touch. But if a child is consenting to touch, it is a potent tool in the co-regulation toolkit. Touching another person can boost their oxytocin levels. Oxytocin, sometimes called the "love hormone," makes us feel good. It also perpetuates its own release, meaning that a hug or a hand squeeze can have a positive effect that outlasts the action itself.

Guide them in a calming exercise. If there is a calming or breathing exercise that the child is familiar with - maybe you learned it together, maybe they learned it in school - suggest you do it together. Don't be deterred if they say no. Say you'd like to do the exercise because it helps you calm down (it's helpful, especially with very young kids, to reinforce what these exercises are actually for) and start doing it yourself. They may just watch you; they may join in. In the end, either outcome is valuable.

We are imperfect beings. We won't always offer the best or most mindful response when we're upset but making the effort to be aware of our own emotions and behaviors sets a powerful example for kids. Whatever your specific process, the most important takeaway of co-regulation is that kids absorb what they see you do - and it may be easier for them to calm down if you show them how to do it. As Hoffman says, "The best way to teach is to model."

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What Is Co-Regulation? - Child Mind Institute

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Co-regulation can help kids learn to manage their emotions but also requires managing your own.

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Guilt. Shame. Anger. Fear. We've all experienced these uncomfortable feelings, sometimes at intensities that are hard to tolerate. Painful emotions are part of being human, and learning how to respond to them in healthy and sustainable ways is one of the most important lessons a child can learn.

One of the best ways to help children navigate big feelings is through modeling healthy coping skills. Grace Berman, LCSW, a clinical social worker at the Child Mind Institute, defines coping skills as practices we can use to reduce the intensity or frequency of an unwanted emotion. Different people may rely on different coping skills, but here are some examples of safe, effective practices that are often helpful in stressful situations:

Deep breathing

Going for a walk or exercising

Mindfulness practices

Listening to music

Writing in a journal

Sensory stimulation, like splashing cold water on your face or holding ice cubes

Calling a friend

Playing with a pet

Positive self-talk ("I made a mistake, but now I know better for next time.")

In addition to helping improve mood, coping skills are a great way to practice acting with intention. Strong emotions sometimes give us the urge to act out in ways that we may later regret, and this is especially true for children and teens, who tend to have higher levels of impulsivity than adults. Coping skills can give kids the space they need to think before they act, helping them stay in control of their behavior.

So how do you model these important skills for your child? We've provided some pointers below.

One of the most reliable ways of managing your feelings in a stressful situation is to remove yourself from it, even if just for a little bit. Leaving the room before your feelings become overwhelming makes it less likely that you will explode in front of your children, while also showing them that it's okay to take breaks to acknowledge and respond to intense emotions.

Stepping away from an unresolved problem or conflict can be uncomfortable or even feel like a way of ignoring the issue. But it's important to remember that an emotion's intensity tends to increase until we get some distance from whatever it is that caused it.

"It helps to think about the life cycle of an emotion," Berman explains, "and to recognize that getting away from the trigger naturally brings that emotion down. And that's a big thing we focus on in therapy, being able to ask ourselves, 'When is my emotion's intensity so high that I need to do something to get away from it?' And it's when we give ourselves that space that we really become able to think about additional coping skills."

Of course, it's important not to leave your child unsupervised in potentially unsafe situations. If your child is also overwhelmed or is too young to be left by themselves, make sure that another parent or trusted adult is available to be present for them before stepping away.

When modeling for your child, talking to them about how and why you use coping strategies can help clarify your intentions. This is especially true for younger children, who might have a harder time grasping the significance of certain actions without a verbal explanation. For example, if you need to step away for a few minutes, telling your child that you need to spend some time tending to your feelings before leaving the room lets them know that they are not being punished or abandoned. Going a step further and breaking down the specific skills you will use while away ("I need some time to calm down, so I'm going to go listen to music for 15 minutes, and then I'll be back") gives them an example to emulate in the future.

Narration can also be a helpful tool for parenting older children and teens, because talking through your own emotional experience gives you a way to encourage healthy behavior patterns without getting into a power struggle. "We know that when a child is really upset or escalated, telling them to take some deep breaths and calm down is likely to backfire," says Berman. "And that's where narration can be helpful. It's not saying you do this, it's saying I'm doing this. And it's giving kids the space to do so as well without forcing it on them."

It's natural to want to protect your child from pain and discomfort. But unwanted emotions - even the most intense ones - are a normal part of life. The sooner we can accept that our children will experience painful feelings from time to time, the more we can help them manage those feelings when they do come up.

When it comes to modeling, this means that the impulse to avoid being sad, angry, our anxious in front of your child can be more harmful than helpful. If you only show your child your cheerful, relaxed side, they may get the message that difficult feelings are something to be ashamed of or avoided. While it can be uncomfortable for your child to see you get upset, being able to watch you self-soothe and put words to your experience ("I'm sad about some news I heard today, so I'm going to talk it over with a friend") can be helpful and reassuring.

At the same time, sharing your feelings with your children shouldn't be confused with losing control or lashing out at them. "There's a big difference between emotions and behavior," says Berman. "If you get mad and yell at your child, it's not your anger that's the problem - it's the way you've chosen to respond to it. What we really want to be doing is modeling what it's like to cope well, even when we're at emotion level ten."

Of course, responding to difficult emotions with intention and grace is easier said than done. So keep trying, and be gentle with yourself when you get discouraged.

For parents who are feeling insecure about their modeling skills, Berman recommends starting small. Regularly practicing just one or two healthy ways of managing stress can help you deescalate conflict and model healthy behavior for your kids as you build confidence in yourself as a parent and role model.

And remember: self-kindness is one of the most important coping skills that you can teach your kids. "We have this tendency to be really hard on ourselves," Berman notes, "and kids adapt to that pretty quickly." One of the most effective ways to counter negative self-talk in kids is by showing them what it looks like to have compassion for yourself even (and especially!) when you mess up. Speaking kindly to yourself and celebrating your accomplishments - even when they feel small - is an important form of self-care, but it's also a crucial part of parenting.

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How to Model Healthy Coping Skills - Child Mind Institute

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One of the best ways to help children navigate big feelings is through modeling healthy coping skills