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How can I support someone in an abusive relationship?

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How can I support someone in an abusive relationship?

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Here are some keyways to offer help without escalating the situation - remember, someone may have been struggling for a while before they feel strong enough to ask you for help.

Listen and believe them

Victims of abuse often fear they won’t be taken seriously. Let them speak freely, believe their account, and avoid questioning or doubting their experience.

Don’t tell them to “just leave”

Leaving an abusive relationship can be dangerous and emotionally complex. It often takes time, planning, and professional help.

Instead of pushing them to act, be patient, focus on listening and being there consistently.

Help them make a safety plan

If they’re open to it, help them think about:

Who they can call in an emergency

Where they could go if they needed to leave quickly

Keeping emergency items (phone, money, documents) in a safe place

You can also direct them to trained services that can help build a personalised safety plan.

In Essex the Compass website allows victims to self-refer:

their phone number is: 0330 333 7 444

Helpline available from 8 am to 8 pm weekdays and 8 am to 1 pm weekends.

Respect their confidentiality

Never share what they’ve told you with others unless they’ve given permission — unless someone is in immediate danger.

Even then, always act in their best interest.

In situations in which someone is in immediate danger please dial 999

Offer practical help

Which could include:

Going with them to appointments

Offering transport or a safe place to stay (if it’s safe to do so)

Helping them find support services or legal advice

What are some things I should avoid doing?

Supporting someone through domestic abuse requires sensitivity.

Avoid:

Making them feel guilty, ashamed or that they are being judged

Getting involved in confrontations with the abuser

Taking control or making decisions on their behalf

Sharing their story without consent

Your role is to empower and support, not to rescue.

Will asking about abuse make things worse?

It’s natural to worry that bringing up the topic may make things worse. But silence can be more dangerous. A calm, non-judgemental conversation can be the first step toward safety and recovery. Just make sure you speak privately, never when the abuser is present and only when it’s safe to do so.

Supporting someone experiencing domestic abuse isn’t always easy. You may feel helpless or afraid of saying the wrong thing. But your patience, empathy and continued presence can be a lifeline. Even if they’re not ready to act, knowing they have someone who believes them and won’t judge them can create the foundation for eventual change.

Above all, keep showing up, stay informed, and remind them that abuse is never their fault.

We recognise that it can be really stressful to support someone in an abusive relationship and it is important to look after your own mental health and wellbeing. We are here to help if you would like to talk to someone.

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helping your friend at a difficult time, two men  multicultural

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What is a safety plan?

A safety plan is a practical guide that helps a person to prepare for potentially dangerous situations, allowing them to plan their actions in advance. It includes ways to stay safe while they are still in the relationship, steps to take if they decide to leave, and strategies for staying safe once they have left.

Each safety plan is different, so it’s important to think about what’s right for the person who needs it. A good safety plan can include:

Who they can speak to and phone numbers

Where’s safest place in the house

Where to go in an emergency

Important information, like where important personal documents can be safely kept

Code words that could be shared to use in an emergency to alert someone that help is needed

What might be needed in an emergency bag if a person needed to leave in a hurry

useful apps and resources for personal safety and keeping a record of incidents

Domestic abuse services have staff specially trained to support in the creation of safety plans known as IDVA's (independent domestic violence advisors), but friends and family can be integral to this as they may be named in safety plans.

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Why domestic violence victims don't leave | Leslie Morgan Steiner | TED

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Understanding Why They Stay

You may often hear others say why don’t just leave the relationship? But unfortunately its rarely that easy….

There can be many reasons why a someone doesn’t leave an abusive relationship.

The traits of an abuser are to bully their partner, belittle their partner and trap their partner in the relationship.

How is this done you may ask?

Here is an example: The abuser controls the finances in the relationship, BULLIES them, by not giving them any money or enough money to buy essentials. BELITTLES them, they need to ask or beg for money, TRAPS them, they have no money and rely on the abuser financially. How can they leave with nothing?

This is just one example of how an abuser traps their partner in a relationship. The list goes on and on and can be very different for every person.

The victim-survivor may also:

Fear they won’t be believed.

May not want to leave their home.

May not want to disrupt any children they have.

May be financially dependent on their partner.

Love them.

Hope their partner will change! Reminding themselves of the good times.

Is scared what others will think.

Have no support.

Have nowhere to go.

Be scared of the repercussions if they do leave.

A person from a different culture or with disability may also face additional barriers alongside the above:

Language barrier - don't know how to ask for help.

Immigration status - often used against them to trap them in the relationship.

May have been told that they will be deported.

Made to believe the police will not help them.

Fear of the community (shame).

The partner may be their carer, control their medication.

The property may be adapted for their needs.

It can be the dangerous time for a victim-survivor is when they end the relationship and take back control from their partner. The risks are increased, and their life can be in danger.

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Why domestic violence victims don't leave | Leslie Morgan Steiner | TED

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Domestic abuse can be extremely dangerous, particularly if behaviours are escalating.

The following list are behaviours or events which we know are associated with an increased risk of harm. In other words, they may mean that the domestic abuse is getting worse and becoming more dangerous.

This is particularly true if the behaviours happen more often, are more severe, or if you notice that lots of them are happening:

The survivor makes the decision to leave or does leave the relationship or the home. Or the survivor starts a new relationship.

The survivor or their children are scared that they will be hurt and tell you that things have become worse.

You find out that the person who is being abusive has a criminal record for violence or has been violent or abusive before to partners or family members.

The person who is being abusive increases their controlling, stalking and monitoring behaviours. They may also become less predictable, so that it is difficult to know how they will behave, or what they will do next.

Physical or sexual violence starts, increases, escalates (becomes worse or happens more often), or takes on new forms, for example strangulation, or use of weapons.

The person who is being abusive threatens suicide or makes threats to seriously harm or kill the survivor, their children, their family and friends, or any pets.

The abuser starts to destroy the possessions and property of the survivor, the children and other people connected with the situation.

The abuser starts, increases, or escalates (becomes worse or happens more often) their abuse of, or cruelty towards, children and pets.

The survivor becomes more and more isolated from you, and from other people close to them.

There is conflict about child access arrangements, or the abuser is using these contacts to further abuse and control.

The abuser’s jealousy increases and they accuse their partner of (imagined) affairs.

The physical or mental health of the abuser and/or the survivor gets worse. The abuser and/or the survivor increases their use of alcohol or drugs.

Life events such as pregnancy, retirement, redundancy, financial problems, or moving house.

The abuser starts to make plans to seriously harm or kill the survivor, including searching the internet for ways to do this. They may also start telling other people about their plan.

The abuser starts to use, or to gather, objects, weapons, or tools to harm, incapacitate (stop or disable), or kill the survivor.

In any situation, it can be very difficult (and scary) for you to try to assess the level of danger and to offer support, so please do not feel that you have to do this alone, and it may not be safe to try.

Expert help is needed from specialist organisations, who can help the survivor to work out how much danger they are in and offer advice about the steps they can take to stay as safe as possible, both within and after ending/leaving the relationship.

As a friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague, you can also contact many of these organisations yourself to ask for support, information, and advice about how you can assist a survivor. You can contact most of these organisations anonymously, in other words, you can ask for advice about the situation without needing to tell them who you are, or who the survivor is.

Because domestic abuse often results in periods of poor mental health, suicidal thoughts and self-harm, it can also be helpful to get in touch with some of the organisations who provide emotional support for people impacted by domestic abuse.

A survivor may feel worse, rather than better, at the point when they end or leave a relationship, or for a period of time afterwards, so it is important that they get professional help and support.

Organisations that provide support

Mind - The Mental Health Charity has local branches across Essex. They offer:

talking therapy

counselling

crisis helplines

advocacy

employment and training schemes

befriending services

NHS Choices has a mental health helpline page with a list of organisations you can call for immediate assistance

Information and advice

NHS Every Mind Matters has advice and tips to help you look after your mental health.

NHS Mental Health offers information and support to help with stress, anxiety, depression.

Healthwatch Essex offers information, advice and guidance on accessing health and wellbeing services in Essex.

Talk to someone

Samaritans offer support to anyone in emotional distress, struggling to cope, or at risk of suicide.

Rethink Mental Illness offers several support groups in Essex.

Childhood abuse

NAPAC (the National Association for People Abused in Childhood) offers support to adult survivors of all types of childhood abuse.

Alcohol and drugs

Futures in Mind helps people suffering from drugs or alcohol misuse and mental ill health. Find out more information about getting help with alcohol and drug problems.

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Sometimes, a brew with your bestie can reveal something more.

If you are concerned a friend or family member is experiencing domestic abuse, here are some tips on how to start a conversation.

Be safe
Make sure you’re in a safe location, where it’s unlikely you'll be overheard.

Be curious
Ask questions like

‘You haven’t seemed yourself, is everything OK?’

‘We haven’t seen much of you recently, is everything OK?’

‘I’ve noticed you seem a bit down, has anyone upset you?’

‘Is everything OK at home?’

‘I’m worried about you… I saw the way they looked at you and you seemed scared?’

‘Wow, they text you a lot, do they do that all the time?’

Listen
Listen to what they have to say- avoid judgements and stereotypes. Let them know the abuse is not their fault and they’re not alone.

Believe them
Let them know that you believe what they say and you’re on their side.

Ask
Ask them how they want you to help- some may want practical help, others may just need to know you’re there to listen.

Be aware that the time might not be right
If they don’t want to talk… respect that decision also. It might not be the right time for them, there may be other factors going on. Understand also that you are not responsible for your friend. The choices they make are theirs alone.

Don’t confront the abuser
Your safety matters. Don’t confront anyone, or let the abuser know you’ve spoken about what’s going on. Keep yourself safe so you can help.

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How to start a conversation with someone who may be experiencing domestic abuse

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I've seen someone using abusive behaviours, what do I do?

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I've seen someone using abusive behaviours, what do I do?

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Recognising abusive behaviours in someone you care about can be uncomfortable and extremely worrying, but silence protects abuse, while awareness helps stop it. There are programmes available if they are showing abusive behaviours and they want support to change these behaviours.

It's really important to keep yourself safe as well as trying to help and support the person experiencing the abuse.

Don’t place yourself in a position where the person who is being abusive could harm or manipulate you.

Avoid direct confrontation unless it's safe. Instead, observe, reflect and consider raising concerns if you have a close relationship.

Don’t try to intervene directly, if you witness a person being assaulted – call the police instead. You might worry that calling the police will make the situation worse, but a police response can send a clear message that domestic violence and abuse is unacceptable and against the law. You should always call the police in an emergency.

If the person who is being abusive is your friend or relative, you may feel caught in the middle. It is important to understand that if you approach the person who is abusive, he or she may:

Tell you to ‘mind your own business'

Deny the abuse, or say ‘how can you think I could do something like that?’

Make it seem like it’s ‘not that bad’, or that it only happened once

Make it seem like it’s the other person’s fault, or that it’s their behaviour that’s the problem, not theirs

Say that they couldn’t help themselves, they were drunk, just ‘snapped’, or ‘lost control’

None of these responses mean that they aren’t abusive. It’s common for a person who is being abusive to deny or minimise the abuse. Even someone who appears to be ‘respectable’ and ‘normal’ can be abusive in the privacy of their own home.

It is possible that the person who is abusive may admit the abuse was their fault but say they don’t know how to stop their behaviour.

There is support available for both Victims and perpetrators of domestic abuse:

National Services:

Female victims of domestic abuse can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000247 or visit www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk

Male victims can call the Men’s Advice Line on
0808 8010327 or visit www.mensadviceline.org.uk

Help for perpetrators (male or female) is available from the Respect Phoneline Monday to Friday 10am to 5pm: 0808 8024040.

In Essex Cranstoun deliver the behaviour change programme, you can find out more here Behaviour Change Support - Essex Compass

and Victims can use the compass website to self-refer for help

Self-Referral - Essex Compass

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