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Taking my Power back and finding my tribe

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Taking my Power back and finding my tribe

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At a young age, I always struggled with my whimsical, dreamy, creative free-spirited, larger than life personality. I always really enjoyed and felt more alive and "accepted" when I was creating art and being able to escape reality. I wanted to go into art education to become an art teacher. My mental health got the best of me and I had an early on "career identity crisis." I got involved with Hillel, took a service trip and it changed my life. I changed my major to social work. I dove feet first into the nonprofit world. I wrestled a ton with my career and my identity. I never felt like I was "Jewish" enough. After many positions I have held and after being fired, laid off in the Jewish and secular nonprofits. I am disgusted and traumatized by the treatment I often experienced. In many ways, I lost a lot of my voice and creativity. I am NOW being guided back into my younger self, my dreams are becoming a reality. I am taking my power back and building my own tribe, consulting and coaching business. I am done wrestling with my power and my identities that are there for a reason. We need to start celebrating rather than hurting others who feel deeply, who dream big and who are here to change the world! Invite us IN, rather than keep us out!

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Over the years, my husband’s income grew; mine shrank due to non-profit work and kids (no longer full-time).  Money became his power. I was fine to live our current life style, but he wanted more. He began making unilateral decisions:  I’m not helping feed the baby. I’m not attending that event. I had no recourse. I began to learn of financial decisions made without me. One day I found out he had taken a trip to Vegas without telling me. Rather than try to discuss or even ask details, I simply said, "I found out. This is not acceptable. Something has to change." We separated later that day and about two months later filed divorce.

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Serving as a community rabbi and feeling the need to literally curb my voice - my spirit - no niggunim to bring people together - actually second guessing whether to sing at my dear friend’s funeral - as an officiant - because I’m always thinking about how to make others most comfortable even when they might not count me or they consider my voice the transgression not their association in hearing it.

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Being honorable has a cost and a benefit

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Being honorable has a cost and a benefit

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I once worked as a director/manager for the male CEO of a large company. I really respected and looked up to this man and thought he was ethical and honorable. We worked well together until I became increasingly uncomfortable with how he was managing some areas of the business. He was doing things that I felt were not ethical or even legal. I expressed my concern and began saying what he was doing was wrong and should not be done. More and more, I could not just go along with what was happening and I kept saying, "No, we cannot do that because it is not in accordance with the relevant regulations." No surprise, after a relatively short time, I was fired because "I kept telling him what he could not do and he can do what he wants." I was devastated, but realized I had dodged a bullet because he was later convicted for his business practices. He is still in business and is still very powerful, but I never have to see him again. I am in a better place and a better position that has the high ethics I desire.

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That time when the new senior clergy told me my grief was inconvenient for him..because if I were in my online grief group, who would go into the kitchen to get the pizza for his teen class?
The male layleader who completely convoluted my words from a budget committee meeting, which resulted in an email where he claimed I said I had been "made to drink from the hose."
The senior clergy who sent me an email just before Yom Kippur to ask Tshuvah for misunderstanding my feelings and intentions...because I answered no to the yes/no question he asked and this let him abuse me and keep his conscience clear.
The male colleagues who made it clear they could not handle supervision from a strong woman...so instead tried to go to someone else to act as a go-between.
And the one who told me that he knew there was a thin girl inside of my dying to get out...and when she did, she'd be perfect for him.
Keep your power. I'm finding my own.

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It is somewhat demoralizing when you are struck with the realization about how threatened people - men and women- are with a woman who wields power--especially those who you consider allies. When looking for a new position recently and asking for advice from male colleagues, the reply was, "you'll be great in that job but are they ready for someone like you." A back handed compliment at best or better an expression of jealousy. While outward ally but can't fathom me having a job that they might want. Meaning--you are great but surely can't be better than me in that job! So very disappointing but a motivator to get that position. But I hate that still has to be a motivator.

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Ok. I will give it a shot. Feel free to edit as English is my third language.
At 22, I lost my mom. The only family remaining was my Ceide ( my moms dad).. So I move in with him and took all my power i did not know i have and started the heeling proces. Little did i know what was in the way. Life from the day of the funeral was dark. Doble dark, as i became the holder of two lives.
This was very hard. So my Ceide and I started an adventure with mix of feelings, lowes and highs,  sad and more sad. How was I going to help my 75 years old Ceide when I did not know how to help my self. How did I manage to take life ahead. Well, that's when love and POWER kicks in.
Ceide gave my the power to manage the house. From cooking to paying bills, from  Dr. appointment to starting a carrier, from cleaning to live with hope.
Don't know how but Ceide got to live ten more years, got to see two greatgrand children and  recandle his life as a jew as my husband an I, live our life's as modern jews. On Ceides stone I wrote: "Life you gave us, and life we gave you."
" Vida nos diste y vida te demos,"

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I come from a family of women. Yes, of course there are men involved, but it is the women who have been driving, making decisions and striking out on new paths to shape the destiny of their families. From my great-grandmother who left her extended family to travel to NY with her 3 young children on the last boat out of Poland before Hitler's invasion, to her headstrong daughter who mastered English within months of arriving and reinvented herself so completely that by the time she was my grandmother, not one friend believed me that she grew up in a tiny shtetl until age 11, to my paternal grandmother who gave up a graduate degree in music to marry a rabbi, but then when he died too young, learned to drive at 60, took over the taxes and investments and then became so good at managing it that she became the financial advisor to her family and friends, and was fiercely independent until her last day, providing powerful inspiration for her 7 grand-daughters. From all of these powerful women to me and my sisters. We come from a family of women that taught us that no matter what comes your way, you can not only handle it, but rock it; it is never too late to learn something new; and that Torah is a lifelong pursuit, and it is for everyone.

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Another experience I had was working for a Jewish organization as Director of their interfaith outreach program. We had gotten a grant from a local funder to offer a best practices conference called, looking in the mirror. We brought in several keynote speakers, including Esther Perel. We had hands-on working sessions to inspire and empower local leaders and organizations to explore new best practices for effective, operational, visible, sustainable welcoming and outreach to interfaith individuals, couples and families. At the end of the conference, each participant completed an evaluation form with a vision statement that ask them about what they had learned from the conference, and one experimental stuff they were willing to take within their organization. My commitment to the funder was to compile these vision statements into a community document of accountability and support.

After the conference was over, my boss’s boss informed me that that was not going to happen. I was instructed not to compile those vision statements, and that no report would be provided to the funder.

A few years later, I worked for a national LGBTQ, Jewish organization, and as we were preparing to cosponsor a convening, my boss asked me if I would go do a site visit at the convening location. I suggested that another staff person visit the site as a way to empower line staff. My boss told me that he preferred to have somebody who is “more of a princess” view the site because I would be more picky.

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I wish I could say I had no stories to share, but I have too many to count.

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I wish I could say I had no stories to share, but I have too many to count.

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My first job as a Jewish professional at the age of 25. I worked in the allocations and planning department at my local Federation freshly minted MSW.  The four committees that I staffed were all chaired by women, and the chairperson of the board was a woman for the first time ever in the United States. Two of those chairwomen actually took me under their wings, mentored and taught me skills and insights that have stayed with me to this day. When I left the job after a little over a year because the power and politics within the organization were toxic, two of those women advocated for me to attend the 1988 Jewish international feminist conference in Jerusalem. American Jewish Congress paid for me to attend the conference with the caveat that I would come back and share what I had learned. That experience changed the course of my life.

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In my second year out of college, I worked as a development assistant at a major Jewish insititution. A few months into the role, my male boss gave me a gift card to Banana Republic because he didn't think I dressed appropriately for the role. Did he really think $100 was going to make up for the fact that I was making $36k a year and couldn't afford a "nice enough" wardrobe.

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It's hard to love when it feels like loving takes away my power. My needs are great, attachments from a young age have been so disrupted,

I protect myself. I shut off my love, still the better wiser parts of me know this is not what love is meant to be.
It is not meant to be a power greater than me that wants to control and hurt me.
It doesn't want me to succumb to my wounds, rather to have compassion and love for my wounded little girls and those who wish so deeply to give me love.
💕

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My coaching clients can be divided into two categories:

1) women, trans, and non-binary folks who are extremely talented and competent but need support in building skills around self confidence & advocacy.

2) cis men who are charismatic and talented but falling behind on work due to limited training in areas of project & time management. (But have gotten to where they are primarily on “innate” talent and encouragement from those around them)

Other than hiring coaches which m can be extremely expensive - what can our organizations do to better fill skill gaps and make people feel valued?

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In my first week at a new job I was given a 7 year old MacBook Air which was slow and could barely run a browser let alone our CRM. I loudly mentioned this in front of a colleague who was both on senior staff and married to the founder. She immediately stepped in and said: “This is j acceptable, you need a new MacBook like me.” They ordered me one that same day.

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Absence of power is much easier to identify than its presence. Power is in every action that is based on choice rather than fear. Power is agency.

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when i was a kid, i was bullied for my looks (too jewish), my name (hyper jewish), my parents (visibly wounded), and what we didn't believe in (jesus as our lord and savior). when i was in my early teens, i started to hang out with a slightly older crowd -- just old enough that my male friends were a few years senior than the "boyfriends" of my bullies. for the first time in my life, i became untouchable. it took me decades to unravel the distinction between power by affiliation vs. an internal source of power. still i'm ever grateful for those friends who were a source of protection without even realizing it -- and my eventual  insight that who i am at my essence is the best protection against ignorance.

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Power is learning from a woman in a beit midrash, the Kodesh HaKedoshim, Holy of Hollies, to have direct conversations with God  #Bruriah

Power is deciding when a marriage is over; fighting the system that enables men to keep women captive to their capricious behavior #YouandMe

Power is taking a role in the ritual life of my community, even when it makes some uncomfortable #Tziporah

Power is taking and giving credit #Deborah

Power is centering ourselves when our society wants us to be suitable helpers to our “Adams”#Lilith

Our power is generous, calculating, compassionate, seductive, subversive, furious, and unrelenting #Sisterhood

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No one likes powerful women; we're abnormal.  

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No one likes powerful women; we're abnormal.  

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In anthropology class many years ago, we took a test, that supposedly measured our relative need for love, achievement and power.  Even then the results were disconcerting because although I had all three of course, I knew then what was in store for me.   My career has suffered enormously.

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I have never felt as powerful as I did when I was pregnant. For 39 weeks and 2 days I nourished, sustained, and grew my daughter in my body and then used all the force I had to push her out of me and bring her into this world. I thank my body every day for being able to do this beautiful and miraculous thing that is an enormous privilege. That to me is power.

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In the late 70s, in my first management position, I was termed an "executive female bitch" because of my rigorous approach to running the organization. I'm still in management today, and still run a rigorous organization, but people now respect my approach and validate me for running a tight ship. So progress!

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When I was a young mother with two children
I interviewed for a half day teaching position
The person who recommended me said that the director expected something in return for the job. Sex?
I thought quickly and told him my husband worked at a big corporation and there were entry level jobs for graduating GED students. He smiled and said I was hired. I shudder thinking what would have happened without the offered jobs?

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I’ve learned to communicate to my husband, my colleagues, my mother, my friends *exactly what I need* in a warm, firm manner that is full of self love. There is nothing that makes me feel more powerful than when I do that. So if I remember to, I try to say ‘ya Chloe!!’ right after. And maybe do a power pose or a little twirl.

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My mother’s mother was very sick,
Couldn’t stay home, her diabetes was quick.
Lost her will to eat by herself,
Said she’d rather be put on a shelf.
My mom and her sister debated each day,
Does their mom really need someone to feed any way.
Each day my mom won the fight,
We know for a fact she did what was right,
She stood up for her mother,
With strength and with grit!
Six days a week for 5 years this went on.
I learned one must do, that which must be done.

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By Bonnie S. Priever

bonniedeb13@hotmail.com

(424)6538748

I am the❤️that greets you when you’re first born.

Your new life lifts me to new heights of power.

I am the❤️that picks you up on your first day of kindergarten.

Your beginning year of school raises my parenting IQ and empowers me to be the best version of a parent/mentor I can be.

I m the❤️ that wipes a tear as you enter your first  dorm room at college.

Your journey to higher education enables my enlightenment of a higher power guiding us both.

I am the❤️that sees you through your father’s sudden early death.

Your compassion and sudden maturity support my grief and restores my strength and power to handle difficult challenges.

I am the❤️that accompanies you on the train back to college for final semester.

Your independence and intellectual curiosity  ignites my power of letting go.

I am the❤️that sees you through many a gamanon meeting, both in person and virtual through your road to recovery of a tough addiction.

Your determination and tenacity sparks  my soul, adds power to my faith and belief in you.

I am the❤️, your forever and always.

You are the❤️, my forever and always.
From strength to strength… power forever.

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In my first position out of graduate school...

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In my first position out of graduate school...

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I was working with a lay leader 20 years my senior, who had me fired. I was devastated and, at 8 months pregnant, terrified. Not only did she not support me, but she chose to crush me. Now iḿ in a position of leadership, and make sure that everyone I work with feels supported and appreciated.

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Power is a deeply personal thing, and it means different things to different people. For me, it means staying with a partner who struggles with addiction, knowing that leaving would be wrong. Power is knowing I make this choice while others, female, are judging.

Power involves difficult decisions and complex emotions. For those dealing with addiction, it is challenging to navigate healing. It takes strength and courage to acknowledge that alcoholism is a disease, and it requires patience and compassion to work towards a healthier future together. It requires understanding to know the kids will suffer if we live not as husband and wife.

No matter what power means to you, know that it is a reflection of your unique perspective and experiences. It is a reminder that you have agency and the ability to shape your own life, even in the face of adversity. Power is Choice and in the words of Pokémon, "I choose you".

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When I had three small children,  I was experiencing tremendous fatigue, aches all over my body, a rash on my face and sores in my mouth.  I went to a (male) doctor who told me I was “fine” and imagining and exaggerating these symptoms.   Later that day he called my husband to tell him that because I had three young children so close in age and a new home,  I needed help at home and then I would be Ok.   Obviously I switched to a female doctor;  5 months later I was diagnosed with Lupus. I don’t know if I was more infuriated that he didn’t believe me or that he had the nerve to involve my husband...

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Money is power. Knowing how to navigate it--and how to negotiate it--is power. 

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Money is power. Knowing how to navigate it--and how to negotiate it--is power. 

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We're afraid of money. We're afraid to talk about it, we're afraid to talk about how much we earn (or don't), we're afraid about wanting more, or the taboos under which we were raised. We're afraid of the lies we were told, and healing them. We're afraid to demand more for ourselves. We're afraid to shatter those myths we learned in our childhood. It's OK to want more. It's OK to teach our daughters their worth and it's OK to talk about our worth and our value. Money is power--to spend it responsibly we have to have it. It isn't about control. We have to have power to use it responsibly.

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I know too many women who have been fired for being gifted, strong, vocal, powerful, professional and talented. 

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I know too many women who have been fired for being gifted, strong, vocal, powerful, professional and talented. 

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They've been let go by volunteer leaders who fear change, who hold disproportionate power because of their wealth, their position, and their capacity to share their time. It isn't fair. We know that positional power matters--and that we give our volunteer leaders a ton of power, no matter what, especially when they're donors. We shouldn't be prevented from rising because our donors stand in the way.

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Once, I had a supervisor who had been a stay at home mom till her youngest was 18. 

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Once, I had a supervisor who had been a stay at home mom till her youngest was 18. 

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In my Jewish communal workplace, I expected to be able to take time to attend my child's doctors' appointments and parent-teacher conferences. She looked at me when I told her I'd be out for a few hours and said, "I don't know what makes you think you get to do that. If you wanted that lifestyle, you should have been a stay at home mom like me." I think we think sometimes that it is men who hold power and women who don't--that the gender binary delivers power exclusively to men. But women hold power too, and wield it over other women, often doing a great deal of damage. This was her act of power over me, and it has been with me and changed me forever.

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I was sitting across from the board chair negotiating my salary. 

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I was sitting across from the board chair negotiating my salary. 

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He looked at me and said "I know that your father in law make a tidy salary. You don't need to work. Why should I give you a raise?" I never felt more powerless. Not only was my salary not about my value or my work, but it was put in terms of my marital relationships. I felt sick.

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In the olden days women were less important and not as powerful as men but now we are so grateful that all people are equal and we have the right to do whatever we wish to do. Especially as Jewish women we learn from Esther that we have to step out of the shadows and show our voice to this world.

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I took your intro to Krav Maga defense training years back. It was such a great training that I wanted to do more. I loved feeling “powerful” - learning the moves that were supposed to protect me from any threat that crossed my path. So I signed up for another Krav Maga training class. This one was for men and women. Half way through the series, I was feeling super strong and like I could kick anyone’s butt. Then they asked us to partner up. I was paired with a man in the class. In 10 seconds of being pitted against him with my new Krav Maga moves, all that “power” I had felt completely disappeared. He pinned me in 10 seconds. I was powerless. I didn’t go back to the rest of the classes.

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Working with a fellowship of women leaders has shown me just how much empathy can exist in an organization and just how far it can take a staff and a community. There are limits and there’s no magic, of course, but there is also a clarity that comes through now, offering a glimpse into the kind of world and the kind of work a society might have, if only we had been on equal footing from the very beginning.

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It's 1976. Following college graduation, I landed a job as public relations director of a Jewish community center in the city where I grew up. For the first year, it was a part-time position, and my office was literally in what had been a storage closet. I worked hard -- re-designed all the publications, expanded our mailing lists and got some great coverage in Jewish and general media. After an excellent review at the end of my first year, I was made full-time and my salary was increased proportionately to reflect the additional work days, but nothing beyond that. At the end of the second year and another great review, I asked for a raise. The director of the Center, a man, told me there just wasn't the money in the budget for that. After working a bit longer, I realized they were taking advantage of me and the pay didn't reflect the value of my work, so I quit and went out on my own doing PR and strategic marketing. The Center hired a replacement for me, a guy who they paid exactly the amount I had asked for with the raise. Shortly after I found out about that, I ran into the director at an event and asked about it. Without missing a beat, he responded that my replacement had a family to provide for, so it was okay. For once, I was speechless. Sadly, that wasn't the last time in my career that, as a woman, I was paid less than a man.

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2016. It’s the presidential election and a woman is running. Eight year-old me is fascinated; male presidents are so boring and consistent, a woman would be a great change of pace. “I’m with HER” is what countless bumper stickers, refrigerator magnets and t-shirts say as their way of supporting Hillary Clinton, the first female presidential candidate. They’re banking on the “her” part of the campaign. Making it the predominant form of Clinton’s essence— only advertising her femininity rather than her political plans or opinions. Trump’s slogan was “Make America Great Again,” not “I’m with HIM.” Yes, it was groundbreaking for a female to be running for president, but wasn’t it about equality? Shouldn’t Hillary Clinton not even have to bother with her gender, because this is a political race and not a feminist movement? Women deserve to not have to prove themselves as just as powerful as men. Power is a trait, a characteristic, that isn’t gender-based.

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I sat on the table in the doctors office and said something was wrong. My left abdominals were killing me, and had been making it increasingly impossible to eat or function. This was the fifth doctor I’d seen. “Maybe you’re pregnant,” they said. If I was (which would have been a medical mystery) I was still deeply ill, and needed assistance. The urine samples were continually negative for pregnancy, but I was young and alone. I had no power, and pain that no one believed. It took six months to finally be diagnosed with e. Coli, which by then had wrecked havoc on my organs. When folks ask now when I’ll be having children, I can’t help but think- if it was acceptable for me to be in damaging pain then, why would I expect it to change if I was pregnant? How could I put my body at risk in a world where I have so limited power to protect it?

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When our bank President asked me to train all managers and supervisors throughout the organization to avoid a union organizing effort, while still performing my regular responsibilities, I did so. After successfully defeating the union, I proposed creating a department to provide ongoing training, with me as the director.  His response: "We would never pay you to do that.”  After I told him, “You just did,” I began formulating my exit strategy.  Six months later, I started my own consulting firm, conducting management training for organizations across the country, which thrived until I retired in 2015. - Sarah

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You would think women* would be the most powerful people on the planet. We have the power to continue or end our very species. How strange then, that we are actually so very powerless -- even over this very use of our own bodies.

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Have you seen the ads for this new Amazon Prime TV show “The Power”? It’s some sci-fi plot wherein teenage girls across the globe are given “The Power” of controlling electricity. The entire premise of the show asks “How different would women be if they found themselves in possession of power during their formative teenage years?” One of the lines in the trailer is a teen girl musing “I didn’t even realize that I was living in constant fear.” That struck home. Hard. How much of this conversation about women and power is actually a conversation about actual fear for personal safety. Forget professional achievement. It’s about not being afraid to walk outside at night.

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Every single time. When you meet a man you need something from professionally -- and you can just sense that he's someone who enjoys his perception of himself as "powerful" and superior. It feels so gross, but I do it -- I let him talk on and on. I make him feel brilliant. I pretend like he's teaching me something new and make him think he’s so wise and I am the grateful, naïve recipient of his generous wisdom. It feels gross to play that role. Does it get me what I need? Yes. But every time I do it, I feel so disgusted with myself for playing that role. I know if I came off knowledgeable and assured, he would be turned off and dismiss me entirely. I feel like an embarrassment. I'm embarrassed to watch me behave that way - even if it IS effective.  -- Ariele