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What’s the Best Way to Discipline My Child?

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As a parent, it is your job to teach your child the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior. But getting your child to behave the way you want is not as hard as you think.

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The Office of Special Education provides assistance related to services and programs for students with disabilities. Staff work to provide the most up to date policy and guidance, technical assistance, professional development, and monitoring to attain equal opportunities and positive results for students with disabilities across New York State.

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The Office of Special Education provides assistance related to services and programs for students with disabilities. Staff work to provide the most up to date policy and guidance, technical assistance, professional development, and monitoring to attain equal opportunities and positive results for students with disabilities across New York State.

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6 Positive Discipline Strategies that Every Parent Must Know

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How Can ADHD Affect Kids at School?

ADHD can affect a student's ability to focus, pay attention, listen, or put effort into schoolwork. ADHD also can make a student fidgety, restless, talk too much, or disrupt the class. Kids with ADHD might also have learning disabilities that cause them to have problems in school.

Most kids with ADHD start school before their ADHD is diagnosed. Teachers are sometimes the first to notice possible signs of ADHD. They may talk it over with the child's parent. The parent can then have the child evaluated by a health provider to see if it's ADHD.

How Can Teachers Help Kids With ADHD?

Let all teachers know if your child has ADHD.
Teachers can help you find out if your child needs an IEP (individual education program) or 504 plan:

An IEP is a written plan that provides individualized special education and related services. Your child's teacher might suggest an evaluation to see if your child could benefit from an IEP.

A 504 plan provides services and changes to the learning environment to meet the child's needs.

Teachers can talk with you about your child's progress. Ask the teacher to let you know how your child is doing. Using a folder that goes back and forth between you and your child's teacher is one way to share notes about progress.

Teachers can focus on your child's needs. Every student with ADHD is different. Some need help paying attention and managing distractions. Some need help staying organized. Others need help getting started with their work, or finishing work they start. Some students with ADHD have trouble staying seated or working quietly. Ask the teacher how ADHD affects your child in the classroom and what you can do to help your child with schoolwork.

Teachers can help your child succeed. Depending on what a student needs, a teacher can do things like:

Seat a student where there are fewer distractions.

Give instructions that are clear and brief.

Have simple classroom routines and rules.

Be warm, encouraging, and positive.

Praise efforts.

Help with organization.

Guide kids to slow down and take their time.

Give prompts to stay on task.

Give breaks to move around in the classroom.

Give extra time to complete work.

Teach students how to check their work and catch careless mistakes.

For older students, teachers can also:

Teach study skills such as taking notes, reading aloud, and prepping for tests.

Break down multi-step projects and assignments into smaller parts.

Teachers can bring out the best in your child. When teachers see the best in their students, students see the best in themselves. Teachers can convey that every student can grow, learn, and succeed - whether or not they have ADHD.

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ADHD can affect a child's ability to do well in school and even make friends. This article for parents has tips on working with teachers to help your child succeed.

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The Procedural Safeguards Notice must be provided to parents of a student with a disability at a minimum of one time per year and also upon:

initial referral or parental request for evaluation;

request by a parent;

the first filing of a due process complaint notice to request mediation or an impartial due process hearing;

a decision to impose a suspension or removal that constitutes a disciplinary change in placement; and

receipt of a parent's first State complaint in a school year.

Districts are encouraged to develop their own cover letter to parents to accompany the required notice and may add an addendum of local district policies but may not change the content of the State-mandated procedural safeguards notice.

Questions relating to the Procedural Safeguards Notice may be directed to the Special Education Policy Unit at 518-473-2878 or speced@nysed.gov or the Special Education Quality Assurance Office in your region.

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Procedural Safeguards Notice: Rights for Parents of Children with Disabilities, Ages 3-21

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The Procedural Safeguards Notice must be provided to parents of a student with a disability at a minimum of one time per year and also upon: initial referral or parental request for evaluation; request by a parent; the first filing of a due process complaint notice to request mediation or an impartial due process hearing; a decision to impose a suspension or removal that constitutes a disciplinary change in placement; and receipt of a parent's first State complaint in a school year.

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Soup Kitchen and Food Pantry Listings - Coalition For The Homeless

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There are many listings of soup kitchens and food pantries in NYC and some helpful ones can be found below. A lot of the same services can be found on different resource lists, but information – such as the days and times for services – can change frequently so it is always best to call […]

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Learning disabilities that affect an individual's understanding of what they read or of spoken language. The ability to express one's self with oral language may also be impacted.

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10 Breathing Exercises for Anxiety Relief

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10 Breathing Exercises for Anxiety Relief

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Breathwork can be a soothing cure for anxiety symptoms. Here are some breathing exercises to try when you're experiencing an anxiety attack.

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Nassau County Food Support Resource List

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Nassau County Food Support Resource List

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Box breathing relaxation technique: how to calm feelings of stress or anxiety

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Box breathing relaxation technique: how to calm feelings of stress or anxiety

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Box breathing relaxation technique: how to calm feelings of stress or anxiety

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Belly Breathing: Mindfulness for Children

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Belly Breathing: Mindfulness for Children

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Belly Breathing: Mindfulness for Children

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Two Minute Mindfulness: Balloon Breaths/Belly Breaths

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Two Minute Mindfulness: Balloon Breaths/Belly Breaths

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Two minutes Mindfulness: Balloon Breaths/Belly Breaths - Breathing exercise for Children

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LIAC works to ensure that all students and individuals with disabilities have access to the appropriate education to which they are entitled. Thank you for supporting the work we do.

As a 501(c)(3), any donation you make to LIAC will be tax exempt.

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Education advocacy, suspension, school avoidance, special education, IDEA

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Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

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Learn About Children's Mental Health | CDC

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Mental health in childhood means reaching developmental and emotional milestones, and learning healthy social skills and how to cope when there are problems.

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National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)

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Overview

Mental health is an important part of overall health for children as well as adults. For many adults who have mental disorders, symptoms were present-but often not recognized or addressed-in childhood and adolescence. For a young person with symptoms of a mental disorder, the earlier treatment is started, the more effective it can be. Early treatment can help prevent more severe, lasting problems as a child grows up.

Warning signs

Health topics and resources

Featured videos

Learn about youth suicide, the effects of technology and the pandemic on the developing brain, and tips for supporting the mental health of youth.

Got 60 seconds? Take a mental health minute to learn about stress and anxiety in adolescents.

Got 60 seconds? Take a mental health minute to learn about attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder or ADHD.

Health hotlines

Clinical trials

Unless otherwise specified, the information on our website and in our publications is in the public domain and may be reused or copied without permission. However, you may not reuse or copy the images. Please cite the National Institute of Mental Health as the source. Read our copyright policy to learn more about our guidelines for reusing NIMH content.

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Find information about child and adolescent mental health, including warning signs, latest news and resources, videos, and how to find help.

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Skip to main content

We can all help prevent suicide. The 988 Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals in the United States.

988

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Haga clic aquí para obtener información sobre cómo acceder a todos los servicios en español.

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The 988 Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in the United States. We're committed to improving crisis services and advancing suicide prevention by empowering individuals, advancing professional best practices, and building awareness.

About The Lifeline

Anyone could be struggling with suicide. Find more specific resources below.

I'm Struggling With Individuals with Neurodivergence

We understand that every struggle is different. Experience the stories of people like you, and how they overcame crisis to find hope and recovery.
read stories of hope & recovery

First, you'll hear an automated message featuring additional options while your call is routed to your local 988 Lifeline network crisis center.

We'll play you a little music while we connect you to a skilled, trained crisis worker.

A trained crisis worker at your local center will answer the phone.

This person will listen to you, understand how your problem is affecting you, provide support, and get you the help you need.

988 Lifeline Center calls are free and confidential, and we're available 24/7.

Show What Happens When You Call The Lifeline

Everyone Plays A Role In Suicide Prevention

Get in touch

Call the Lifeline

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Skip to main content We can all help prevent suicide. The 988 Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals in the United States. 988 ¡Los servicios de texto y chat de 988 Lifeline ya están disponibles en español!

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The Trevor Project for Young LGBTQ Lives  

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The Trevor Project for Young LGBTQ Lives  

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The Trevor Project | For Young LGBTQ Lives

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The Trevor Project provides 24/7 crisis support services to LGBTQ young people. Text, chat, or call anytime to reach a trained counselor. Free and confidential.

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Crisis Text Line | Text HOME To 741741 free, 24/7 Crisis Counseling

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Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. We're here for everything: anxiety, depression, suicide, school. Text HOME to 741741.

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24/7, confidential crisis support for Veterans and their loved ones. Contact the Veterans Crisis Line: Dial 988 then Press 1, chat online, or text 838255.

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New York State Domestic and Sexual Violence Hotline

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New York State Domestic and Sexual Violence Hotline

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Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence

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Confidential support 24/7, available in most languages. Call 800-942-6906 or Text 844-997-2121.

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Many of us are facing challenges that can be stressful, overwhelming, and cause strong emotions in adults and children. Public health actions, such as physical distancing, can make us feel isolated and lonely and can increase stress and anxiety.

After a traumatic event, people may have strong and lingering reactions. Learning healthy ways to cope and getting the right care and support can help reduce stressful feelings and symptoms.

The symptoms may be physical or emotional. Common reactions to a stressful event can include:

Disbelief

Feelings of fear, shock, anger, sadness, worry, numbness, or frustration

Changes in appetite, energy, desires, and interests

Difficulty sleeping or nightmares, concentrating, and making decisions

Physical reactions, such as headaches, body pains, stomach problems, and skin rashes

Worsening of chronic health problems

Worsening of mental health conditions

Increased use of tobacco, alcohol, and other substances

It is natural to feel stress, anxiety, grief, and worry during traumatic events such as mass shootings, natural disasters, or pandemics. Below are ways that you can help yourself, others, and your community manage stress.

Healthy Ways to Cope with Stress

Feeling emotional and nervous or having trouble sleeping and eating can all be normal reactions to stress. Here are some healthy ways you can deal with stress:

Take breaks from watching, reading, or listening to news stories, including those on social media. It's good to be informed but hearing about the traumatic event constantly can be upsetting. Consider limiting news to just a couple of times a day and disconnecting from phone, tv, and computer screens for a while.

Take care of yourself. Eat healthy, exercise, get plenty of sleep, and give yourself a break if you feel stressed out.

Take care of your body.

Make time to unwind. Try to do some other activities you enjoy.

Talk to others. Talk with people you trust about your concerns and how you are feeling. Share your problems and how you are feeling and coping with a parent, friend, counselor, doctor, or pastor.

Connect with your community- or faith-based organizations.

Avoid drugs and alcohol. These may seem to help, but they can create additional problems and increase the stress you are already feeling.

Recognize when you need more help. If problems continue or you are thinking about suicide, talk to a psychologist, social worker, or professional counselor.

Check out Taking Care of Your Emotional Health for more information and resources.

Helping Others Cope

Taking care of yourself can better equip you to take care of others. Helping others cope with stress through phone calls or video chats can help you and your loved ones feel less lonely or isolated.

Helping Children and Youth Cope with Stress

Children and youth often struggle with how to cope with stress. Youth can be particularly overwhelmed when their stress is connected to a traumatic event-like a natural disaster, family loss, school shootings, or community violence. Parents, caregivers, and educators can take steps to provide stability and support that help young people feel better.

Tips

Tips for Parents and Caregivers
It is natural for children to worry when scary or stressful events happen in their lives. Talking to your children about these events can help put frightening information into a more balanced setting. Monitor what children see and hear about stressful events happening in their lives. Here are some suggestions to help children cope:

Maintain a normal routine. Helping children wake up, go to sleep, and eat meals at regular times provide them a sense of stability.

Talk, listen, and encourage expression. Listen to your child's thoughts and feelings and share some of yours. After a traumatic event, it is important for children to feel they can share their feelings and that you understand their fears and worries.

Watch and listen. Be alert for any change in behavior. Any changes in behavior may be signs that your child is having trouble and may need support.

Stressful events can challenge a child's sense of safety and security. Reassure your child about his or her safety and well-being. Discuss ways that you, the school, and the community are taking steps to keep them safe.

Connect with others. Talk to other parents and your child's teachers about ways to help your child cope. It is often helpful for parents, schools, and health professionals to work together for the well-being of all children in stressful times.

Tips for Kids and Teens
After a traumatic event, it is normal to feel anxious about your safety and security. Even if you were not directly involved, you may worry about whether this type of event may someday affect you. Check out the tips below for some ideas to help deal with these fears.

Talk to and stay connected to others. Talking with someone you trust can help you make sense out of your experience. If you are not sure where to turn, call your local crisis intervention center or a national hotline.

Take care of yourself. Try to get plenty of sleep, eat right, exercise, and keep a normal routine.

Take information breaks. Pictures and stories about a disaster can increase worry and other stressful feelings. Taking breaks from the news, Internet, and conversations about the disaster can help calm you down.

Tips for School Personnel
School personnel can help their students restore their sense of safety by talking with the children about their fears. Other tips for school personnel include:

Reach out and talk. Create opportunities to have students talk, but do not force them. You can be a model by sharing some of your own thoughts as well as correct misinformation.

Watch and listen. Be alert for any change in behavior. Are students withdrawing from friends? Acting out? These changes may be early signs that a student is struggling and needs extra support from the school and family.

Maintain normal routines. A regular classroom and school schedule can provide a sense of stability and safety. Encourage students to keep up with their schoolwork and extracurricular activities but do not push them if they seem overwhelmed.

Take care of yourself. You are better able to support your students if you are healthy, coping and taking care of yourself first. Eat healthy, exercise, get plenty of sleep, and give yourself a break if you feel stressed out.

Mental Health and Crisis

Resources and Social Support Services

If you are struggling to cope, there are many ways to get help. Call your healthcare provider if stress gets in the way of your daily activities for several days in a row.

During times of extreme stress, people may have thoughts of suicide. Suicide is preventable and help is available. More about the risk of suicide, signs to watch for, and how to respond if you notice these signs in yourself or a friend or a loved one, can be found here.

Free and confidential crisis resources can also help you or a loved one connect with a skilled, trained counselor in your area.

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Many of us are facing challenges that can be stressful, overwhelming, and cause strong emotions in adults and children. Public health actions, such as physical distancing, can make us feel isolated and lonely and can increase stress and anxiety. After a traumatic event, people may have strong and lingering reactions.

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How to Avoid Power Struggles With Children

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How to Avoid Power Struggles With Children

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Strategies to stop the arguing and gain compliance

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A power struggle is when a child refuses to do something and the parent continues to insist on the child "Do it now." The ongoing banter can become a battle of the wills as the parent says, "Yes," and the child says, "No." The longer this argument carries on, the more difficult it becomes to get the child to comply. There are steps parents can take to regain control and end power struggles.

There are a few problems with power struggles. One problem is that the more you argue or try to force the child to do something, often the more tempers flare. When you and your child are both frustrated and angry, you aren't likely to be able to accomplish anything.

When kids can engage you in a power struggle, it often delays their task. For example, if you tell your child to clean his room and they argue with you, the longer they argue, the more time they are wasting not cleaning their room. Sometimes, kids enjoy pushing their parent's buttons in an attempt to get out of doing things.

Lastly, when adults enter into a power struggle the goal is to win. Winning means getting a child to do something they don't want to do. Sometimes the more desperate a parent becomes to get a child to comply, the more resistant the child grows.

Pick Your Battles

Consider allowing your child to face natural consequences.﻿﻿ Sometimes, stepping aside and letting nature run its course is the best thing you can do.

For example, if your 10-year-old is refusing to put on their jacket before they play outside, it may not be worth arguing about. Unless it is dangerously cold, you might consider allowing them to go out without a jacket and the natural consequence is that they will be cold.

Engage Kids in Problem-Solving

If you find yourself engaging in frequent power struggles over the same issue, try to problem-solve together. Look for a mutually agreed upon solution that will end the power struggle.

For example, consider a parent who insisted their teenager's room be cleaned daily. However, the teenager felt it was unreasonable to clean the room daily and they argued about this issue almost every day. Eventually, they problem-solved together and reached a compromise. Their mother agreed to keep her teenager's door shut during the week and the teenager agreed to clean their room every weekend. It stopped the fighting and their relationship improved.

Offer Choices

There are steps parents can take to increase the effectiveness of their instructions. For example, state your expectations clearly and make your requests calmly.

When possible, offer two choices. Just make sure you can live with either choice. For example, if you want your child to put his clothes away and he's watching TV, say, "Would you rather put your clothes away now or do you want to wait until a commercial break?" Either choice will get the job done. But for a defiant child, it can seem like a victory to be able to wait until the next commercial break.

Provide a Consequence

Sometimes it's necessary to provide a negative consequence. Instead of arguing or trying to force a child to do something, stay calm and issue a single warning.﻿﻿ If your child doesn't comply, a consequence such as taking away a privilege can be very effective.

For example, instead of nagging, arguing, or begging your child to go to bed, provide a warning. Say, "If you don't go to bed now, you will lose your electronics for 24 hours." If your child doesn't go to bed, they lose their electronics and there's no arguing about it. If they continue to stay up, the natural consequence is that they'll be tired tomorrow.

Let Your Child Choose

For younger children, taking away a privilege can be a great back up to time out. If your child refuses to serve time out, instead of trying to force them to do so, give them a warning. "If you don't go to time out right now, you won't be able to go to the playground later today." Then, leave the choice up to them.

Don't threaten to take away anything that you wouldn't follow through with doing. For example, don't say you'll take away their trip to Grandma's house this weekend unless you really plan to take that away. If you make idle threats and don't follow through you'll be teaching your child that you don't mean what you say.

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Here's the Secret to Avoiding a Power Struggle with an Oppositional Child

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When you get into a power struggle with your child, you'll lose every time. Here's how to prevent it from happening in the first place.

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Discipline vs Punishment: The Difference In Child Development

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Discipline vs Punishment: The Difference In Child Development

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Child discipline - probably the least enjoyable part of parenting.

It can be frustrating, discouraging and exhausting. It is one of the most common and toughest challenges of parenthood.
Have you ever wondered: "How can we discipline kids without using punishment?"
As it turns out, using punishment is not the only way nor a good one to successfully discipline a child.

In this article, we will look at why these disciplinary measures are not good.

We will also look at 4 effective ways to discipline children, ways that can:

modify children's behavior,

develop their characters,

protect their mental health, and

help you develop a close relationship with them.

The best part?

No more nagging, yelling, threatening or punishing.

So let's get started.

What Is The Difference Between Discipline And Punishment?

Many people use discipline and punishment interchangeably.

But they are not synonyms.

Discipline and punishment are not the same thing.

Discipline is the practice of training someone to behave in accordance with rules or a code of behavior.

The word, discipline, comes from Latin disciplina ( teaching, learning or instruction), and discipulus ( disciple, pupil).

To discipline means to teach.

To teach is to show and explain how to do something. It focuses on teaching the desirable future behavior.

To punish is to inflict suffering for the past behavior.

But the difference between discipline and punishment goes deeper than just the meaning of the words.

There is also a difference in how a child's brain reacts to them.

Punishment is not just philosophically bad. It is actually harmful to brains.

Parents, we want healthy brains for our kids, right?

So keep reading and you'll find out why and how punishment is bad for our kids' brains, and what to do to discipline.

The Science Of Discipline vs Punishment

Here is a famous conditioning experiment done by Russian physiologist, Ivan Pavlov.

A dog salivated when it was being fed.

So Pavlov came up with an experiment. Whenever he gave food to his dogs, he also rang a bell. After repeating this procedure a number of times, he rang the bell on its own.

Now the bell on its own caused an increase in the dog's salivation.

This experiment showed that the dog had learned to associate the bell with food and a new behavior was formed. This is called classical conditioning. The bell was originally a neutral stimulus but then became a conditioned stimulus. The salivation was a conditioned response.

Based on this result, it seems natural to conclude that if a negative consequence is associated with an undesired behavior, a dog, or even a child, will eventually learn to adopt a desired behavior instead due to the fear of negative consequence.

Sounds good, right?

But wait ... does this theory apply to human children?

Well... yes... but there's more to it.

You guessed it, it has to do with the human brain.

The Human Brain

Neurologists believe that human brain is composed of three brain regions.

The three brain regions are:

Reptilian brain - controls bodily functions such as breathing, heart beat, digestion, fight or flight reaction and other survival functions without our conscious effort.

Mammalian brain - also called the emotional brain, is responsible for strong emotions such as fear, rage, separation anxiety, caring, nurturing, etc.

Human brain - also called the thinking brain, it is where learning, reasoning, problem-solving, decision-making or sophisticated thinking takes place.

So the difference between discipline and punishment is that:

Discipline invokes the thinking brain, while
Punishment impacts the emotional brain.
Fear And The Brain

How do human brains react to fear?

Let's say, you are hiking in the wild and suddenly, a large animal jumps out in front of you. What would you do?

If you are like most people, you would instinctively take a step back without thinking.

Then, on a closer look, you notice that it's only a playful and friendly dog. So you relax after making this conscious judgement.

Here's what happens in your brain:
Danger triggers an alarm (and fear) in our emotional brain without first going through the thinking brain.
Because when you're in danger, you can't afford to think!

Stress hormone, cortisol, is released to equipped the body to fight back or get away (or jump back) quickly.

This is called the fight-or-flight mechanism.

All of these happen automatically without us thinking about what to do next. This mechanism is valuable for human survival.

Get it?

Great, let's tie it all together.

Punishment And The Brain

Punishment is fear-based coercive discipline.
And frequent fear is not good to brains.
Here's the thing:

Young children, especially toddlers and preschoolers, are curious.

They are ambitious and they are fearless.

But they don't know much about safety.

They don't understand why they are expected to behave a certain way.

And they don't follow reasoning that well.

So, many parents resort to using fear, or coercive measures such as corporal punishment, time-out or berating, to discipline.

Kids get into trouble a lot and therefore, in these homes, kids are threatened by fear of punishment a lot.

Note that it is not just punishment that can cause fear. The threat of punishment can also induce fear in kids.

These parents hope that fear will condition their children to abandon the undesired behavior and adopt the desired one, much similar to a dog being conditioned to adopt a new behavior.

But the fact is:
Frequent fear can really mess up a child's brain, in many unexpected ways.
1. Mental Disorders

When fight-or-flight mechanism is invoked, the emotional brain takes over while the thinking brain goes offline.

If the event is life-threatening or causes intense fear, a special memory is created and stored separately from normal memory.

This type of special memory is etched in our brain and makes us feel miserable to ensure we will avoid it in the future.

So, fear can indeed condition us to change our behavior.

Well, here's the problem.

This type of fear conditioned memory is what underlies mental disorders such as depression, anxiety, and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) later in life.

Because the creation of this special memory (and the recall of it) does not need permission from our thinking brain, it is hard to avoid the harmful mental effects.

To parents, being harshly punished may not appear to be a life-and-death situation that can result in intense fear.

If we're hit or yelled at, we may be able to recover quickly.

We can vent to friends, distract ourselves with other activities or stop seeing that person again.

Our world is full of options.

But for children, especially younger ones, parents are their entire world. Parents are the main or sole providers for food, safety and all other necessities.
Children have no choice when it comes to choosing their own caretakers.
It's about survival. It is life-or-death.

And let's not forget, from a child's perspective, adults are huge physically, almost like giants.

To kids, harsh treatment by caretakers can and often do feel like a life threatening experience.

2. Stress Hormone Elevation

When fear is presented frequently, the chronic elevated level of stress hormone will cause serious health problems for the child in the long run - brain shrinkage leading to memory and learning difficulties, suppressed immune system, hypertension, depression and anxiety disorder just to name a few.

3. Emotion Dysregulation

Fear is not the only emotion that can cause our thinking brain to become disconnected. Other types of stress, such as anger or rage can, too.

Because a frequently punished (or threatened to be punished) child is constantly in an alarmed state, the child's fight-or-flight reaction kicks in easily even when they face mild frustration.

When that happens, the emotional brain becomes in charge without the thinking brain's participation.

The child can react emotionally by acting out or having uncontrolled outbursts.

They cannot access their thinking brains.

They cannot effectively regulate their emotions.

Indeed, studies find that if the parenting style is harsh or punishment is the predominant type of discipline, children from these homes exhibit weaker emotional regulation and more impulsive aggressive behavior.

Emotional Regulation and self-control are some of the most important skills young children should learn. Parent's influence on the child's ability to acquire those skills is paramount.

A child also learns to modulate emotions through attuning to and observing their parents' reaction.

If parents are harsh whenever their child makes a mistake, the child learns to be harsh when others make mistakes.

Is that the lesson you want your child to learn?

Emotion is also contagious.

A punishment centric environment can induce persistent negative emotions in children making it even harder for kids to learn to self-control.

4. Bidirectional Influence

Sometimes, punishment can create a self-fulling prophecy.

While a child's negative behavior leads to parents' negative response, parents' punitive reaction also leads to or amplifies a child's externalizing behavior.
The impacts are bidirectional.
A child's behavior and the parents' responses can feed on each other and spiral into ever increasingly punitive punishment.

Eventually, the punitiveness of the punishment may escalate to abusive level.

5. Externalizing Behavior

Numerous studies have found that harsh or punitive punishments, especially those in the form of physical punishment, will lead to future aggression in children even though it may deter the child's negative behavior in the moment.

Punitive punishments are also implicated in Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD).

6. Become Bullies And/Or Victims
Children who are harshly punished may become bullies or victims of bullies themselves.
Some children also exhibit disruptive behavioral problems as they grow up.

When parents try to change behavior by fear, they are modeling how to use superior positions or strength to intimidate. They are also normalizing abusive behavior.

When these children go to school, some learn to do the same to other children who are weaker than them.

Some become victims of bullies themselves because their parents' action has shown them that such behavior is acceptable.

Sometimes, their parents' behavior has also caused the children to feel powerless in escaping or changing the situation. These children are then conditioned to feel powerless to escape if they end up in abusive relationships as grownups.

7. Worse Academic Performance

The world's longest running longitudinal Panel study started in 1968 by University of Michigan reveals the relationship between punitive discipline and children's school performance.

What did they find?

Researchers found that homes that use punitive discipline, such as punishment, lecturing or restricting activities (that are otherwise not affecting academic studies) are associated with lower academic achievement compared to homes that have warm parent-child interactions and use reasoning to teach.

The chain of psychological events that leads to the development of a disciplined child is a complex process.

Classical conditioning that works well for dogs simply does not work well for human.

Unfortunately, punitive punishment is prevalent because parents often get the immediate behavioral change they want. So they mistakenly think that it "works" but soon they will find out it doesn't in the long run.

Using harsh punishment to fear-condition kids is ineffective at best and harmful at worst.
Even when it seems to work, the child has to pay a high price.
Effective Discipline Strategies

You must be thinking:
"If we don't punish, how else can parents discipline their child and make them behave?"
For many parents, punishing is the only way they know how to discipline.

But discipline means to teach. And you don't have to punish to teach.

Imaging how effective it would be if a teacher used punishment to "teach". Right?!

Without further ado, here are 4 effective disciplinary measures that can help you adopt no punishment parenting.

#1 Be A Role Model

Have you noticed that when you make a certain move, your dog or cat will not imitate you, but your child will?

The ability to learn by observing and imitating others is unique to human.

Scientists discovered that a specific neuron circuit in the brain, called the mirror neuron system, is responsible for that capability.

This neuron system not only allows us to imitate others' action but also understand the intentions of action.

This discovery may partially explain why it is so important that parents model the way they want their child to behave.

Therefore,

if you want your child to be respectful, you respect your child.

if you want your child to be kind, you are kind to your child.

if you don't want your child to hit, you don't hit your child.

if you don't want your child to be cruel to others, you aren't cruel to your child.

etc.

(Disclosure: I get a small commission for purchases made through the links below.)
Parenting From The Inside Out
#2 Use Positive Discipline And Positive Reinforcement

Let's think about it.

And be honest.

As a kid, when you were punished, during the punishment, did you think about why you were wrong and what you had learned?

Or did you think about how mean your parent was, how you wished you were not caught, how unfair the punishment was and how angry you were?

When parents focus on using punishment to discipline, the child doesn't usually learn the right lesson. The child learns to be distrustful, vindictive and revengeful.

However, studies show that punishment is often not necessary nor is it effective in disciplining children.

But no punishment does not mean no discipline.

Researchers have found that non-coercive discipline, contingent encouragement, monitoring and problem solving are far more effective in disciplining.

Positive discipline is one example of such a no-punishment disciplinary strategy.

Positive discipline is based on mutual respect and positive instructions. It fosters learning instead of focusing on punishing.

To help children stop undesired behavior, the first step is to understand the reasons for that behavior and address the root cause.

Parents should also help kids understand the natural consequences of their own actions.

Use encouraging words as positive reinforcement to motivate children in a constructive way.

Here is an example:

My daughter used to drag through the morning routine. Every morning was the same struggle. She took her time playing while brushing her teeth. She could be brushing for 30 minutes and was still not done.

Identify root cause - I sat her down and tried to find out why she did that. After asking some questions, I found out that she really wanted to play, but I never gave her time. From the moment she woke up, I rushed her through every step ...

ok, get up now!

hurry, go potty!

hurry, eat your breakfast!

hurry, put on your clothes!

brush your teeth, fast!

are you done yet? we need to hurry ... etc.

She felt that she could only play while brushing her teeth. So the problem was she never had time to play in the morning.

Address the source of problem - we brainstormed. Eventually, we decided that I would wake her up 15 minutes early every day. So in the first 15 minutes after she wakes up, she gets the free rein to play and I won't rush her. Afterwards, she will focus on getting ready for school.

Explain natural consequence - I explained that we could not be late. So from now on, when it's time to go to school, we will leave no matter what, even if she still hasn't changed out of her pajamas, brushed her teeth, combed her hair, etc. We will just GO. That is the natural consequence.

Use encouraging words - When she was able to get everything done on time by herself, I would praise her for being efficient and making sure she wouldn't be late.

By following these steps, I was able to diffuse the conflicts and resolve the issue we had every morning.

No punishment needed. Just a natural consequence.

"What About Time Out?", you may ask.

What Is Time Out?

Time out, also known as corner time, is a psychological behaviorism strategy developed by Arthur Staats through experiments performed on his own children.

Originally, time out means time out from reinforcement.

The idea is that removing the child from the reinforcing activity for a brief period of time can discourage inappropriate behavior.

This form of discipline is especially preferred in the western countries over reprimanding, scolding or spanking. Many pediatricians and positive discipline advocates even name this as an alternative to punishment because it is not seen as a punitive measure.

Now, here is a word of caution on using time out ...

Although there are many studies on the benefits of using time out to discipline, most parents do not use time out the way it is used in research.

Many parents simply take the name "timeout" and the basic idea and then make it an alternative punishment, not an alternative to punishment.

Here are some examples of time-out used inappropriately:

timeouts that last for one or two hour.

timeouts that require the child to sit still and not move an inch.

timeouts that require the child to face the corner.

timeouts that require the child to stand in front of other kids to be humiliated.

timeouts that are carried out in closets or a locked place.

timeouts that are accompanied by scolding before and/or afterwards.

etc.

These treatments are just as harmful to children as other types of coercive punishments.

In a 2003 study at UCLA, researchers found that in brain imaging, the effect of rejection looks the same as the effect of physical pain.

So when timeouts are used as punishment by isolation, humiliation or fear, they can be just as detrimental to children's brains and mental health.
Positive Parenting
#3 Be Consistent

Being consistent truly is paramount in no punishment discipline.

In studies on parenting styles, researchers have found that authoritative parenting style is the best parenting style in almost every dimension.

One striking trait of this parenting style is that although authoritative parents do not have as many strict rules as their authoritarian counterparts, authoritative parents are extremely consistent in enforcing those rules..

If you are reading this article, you probably have already read this advice many times in other articles or blogs.
But being consistent is so much easier said than done!
Have you found yourself lapsing once in a while when you're too tired to carry out the consequence? Or when you're too exhausted to deal with another crying or whining?

In the morning, I am often tempted to change my daughter's outfit, brush her teeth and comb her hair for her. I can do these tasks so much faster. Then I won't have to listen to her screaming, crying and pleading when it's time to go and she still isn't ready.

But then, my daughter won't have the opportunity to learn to get ready by herself efficiently. She also won't experience the natural consequences necessary for her to realize that her action (or inaction) has real consequences in life.

Every morning, I need to bite the bullet and suppress my urge to take over the entire routine for her. She had to learn. And she did.

It's not easy. But it was worth it.
Be consistent. Do not lapse. ... etch this onto your sleep-deprived mind. No-Drama Discipline
#4 Reevaluate Age-Appropriateness and Parental Goals

It may come as a surprise, but effective discipline needs to be age appropriate.

I don't mean whether a particular form of discipline is age appropriate.

I mean you need to reevaluate whether your expectation of your kid's behavior is realistic and age appropriate.

Why?
Because baby brains, like baby bodies, do not come to this world complete.
They need time to develop and grow.

In the thinking brain, a region named pre-frontal cortex is needed to learn complex ideas such as discipline.

But pre-frontal cortex does not get to develop until around age 3.

So kids younger than three simply cannot comprehend the concept of discipline, at least not in a brain-healthy way.

With babies and toddlers, what parents need to do is to safety-proof their houses, closely supervise and redirect the kids' attention when they make mistakes.

But as any parent who has ever taken care of a young child can attest, it is a very exhausting job.
It IS very exhausting.
However, as a parent, you need to decide on the trade-offs.

What is more important?

Use punishment with less energy
Results: Children acting like perfect angels on the outside from a young age but troubling mental health on the inside when they grow up.
OR

Use patience with more energy (much more)
Results: Children learn when they are able to learn and grow up with healthy brains.

Which one do you prefer?

I hope the answer is clear.

Now, if your kids are older, do you find yourself struggling with your child not listening all the time?

If this happens frequently, then it's time to reevaluate why you need your kids to listen to you all the time.

Contrary to popular belief, obedience is not a virtue.

There are things everyone, children or adults, need to obey, e.g. the law, airplane evacuation instructions, order in the classroom, etc.

But there are so many other things that no one should have to obey. Because we are all individuals with our own mind and liking.

Children are people, too. They have their own minds and at times want to do things different from what we want them to do.

Ask yourself: are you parenting or are you dictating?

If your parental goals include raising a person who has an independent mind, critical thinking skill, confidence in themselves and not blindly following instructions, etc.

... basically, if you want your child to become a leader, not a follower, then raising them like a dictator won't let that happen.

So, reevaluate what are the must-obeys in your house.

Then think about whether these musts are more important than developing your child's independence and judgement, and having a close loving relationship with your child.

Simply put:
Pick your battles.
Here is an example. In our house, we have a must-obey shortlist:

safety

health

harm to others, including people, animals or properties

external constraints such as time, energy, resources, finance, etc.

Things related to the above are often must-obey in our house.

Say, if we can't afford to buy this toy, we can't afford to buy this toy. Sorry, but that's final.

But for almost everything else, we respect our child's preferences and decisions.

Ok, let's recap.
To effectively discipline without punishment:

Model good behavior.

Use natural consequences to replace punishment.

Develop your must-obey list that is age-appropriateness and meets your parental goals.

Hold a family meeting to discuss all the rules.

Agree on the natural consequences that you know you can follow through on.

Be consistent in enforcing them.

Neuroscience has taught us that life experiences during a child's formative years are critical in brain development and character building.

If we can fill our children's lives with positive learning, they will benefit and flourish for life.

References

The Evolutionary Layers Of The Human Brain

Pavlov's Dogs. By Saul McLeod

The "triune brain" is the hypothesis of neurologist Paul MacLean. By Fragua Neiva

Does stress damage the brain? By Bremner JD.

Managing Stress: Principles and Strategies for Health and Wellbeing by Brian Luke Seaward

Fear conditioning, synaptic plasticity and the amygdala: implications for posttraumatic stress disorder by Amy L. Mahan and Kerry J. Ressler

Limbic system - Emotional Experience by Srdjan D. Antic, M.D

http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/fam/17/4/598/

The Role of the Family Context in the Development of Emotion Regulation. By Amanda Sheffield Morris, Jennifer S. Silk, Laurence Steinberg, Sonya S. Myers, Lara Rachel Robinson

Children's misbehaviors and parental discipline strategies in abusive and nonabusive families. By By Trickett, Penelope K.,Kuczynski, Leon

Childhood maltreatment is associated with altered fear circuitry and increased internalizing symptoms by late adolescence. By Ryan J. Herringa, Rasmus M. Birn, Paula L. Ruttle, Cory A. Burghy, Diane E. Stodola, Richard J. Davidson, and Marilyn J. Essex

Fear conditioning, synaptic plasticity and the amygdala: implications for posttraumatic stress disorder. By Amy L. Mahan, Kerry J. Ressler

The Role of the Family Context in the Development of Emotion Regulation. By Amanda Sheffield Morris, Oklahoma State University, Jennifer S. Silk, University of Pittsburgh, Laurence Steinberg, Temple University, Sonya S. Myers and Lara Rachel Robinson, University of New Orleans

The Relation between Mothers' Hostile Attribution Tendencies and Children's Externalizing Behavior Problems: The Mediating Role of Mothers' Harsh Discipline Practices. By Nix RL, Pinderhughes EE, Dodge KA, Bates JE, Pettit GS, McFadyen-Ketchum SA.

Parental Reactions to Children's Negative Emotions: Longitudinal Relations to Quality of Children's Social Functioning. By Nancy Eisenberg, Richard A. Fabes, Stephanie A. Shepard, Ivanna K. Guthrie, Bridget C. Murphy and Mark Reiser

The Child's Behavioral Pattern as a Determinant of Maternal Punitiveness. By Raymond K. Mulhern, Jr. and Richard H. Passman http://www.jstor.org/stable/1128948?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents

The Contributions of Ineffective Discipline and Parental Hostile Attributions of Child Misbehavior to the Development of Conduct Problems at Home and School. By Snyder J, Cramer A, Afrank J, Patterson GR.

Immediate and Sustained Effects of Parenting on Physical Aggression in Canadian Children Aged 6 Years and Younger. By Benzies, Karen, Keown, Leslie-Anne, Magill-Evans, Joyce

Slapping and spanking in childhood and its association with lifetime prevalence of psychiatric disorders in a general population sample. By MacMillan HL, Boyle MH, Wong MY, Duku EK, Fleming JE, Walsh CA.

Friendship as a moderating factor in the pathway between early harsh home environment and later victimization in the peer group. By Schwartz, D., Dodge, K. A., Pettit, G. S., Bates, J. E., & The Conduct Problems Prevention Research Group. (2000)

Harsh parenting strategies undermine learning

Parenting Practices and Child Disruptive Behavior Problems in Early Elementary School by Elizabeth A. Stormshak, Karen L. Bierman, [...], and Conduct Problems Prevention Research Group

There is no convincing evidence for operant or classical conditioning in adult humans. By Brewer, William F., Weimer, Walter B. and Palermo, David S.

The Mirror Neuron System and Observational Learning: Implications for the Effectiveness of Dynamic Visualizations. By Tamara van Gog, Fred Paas, Nadine Marcus, Paul Ayres and John Sweller

Parenting Through Change. By David S. DeGarmo and Marion S. Forgatch

Effective discipline for children. Paediatr Child Health. 2004 Jan; 9(1): 37-41.

Does Rejection Hurt? An fMRI Study of Social Exclusion. By Naomi I. Eisenberger, Matthew D. Lieberman, Kipling D. Williams, 2003

You Said WHAT About Time-Outs?! By Dan Siegel, 2014

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Discipline vs Punishment - What's The Difference (4 Effective Discipline Strategies) - Parenting For Brain

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Child discipline - probably the least enjoyable part of parenting. It can be frustrating, discouraging and exhausting. It is one of the most common and toughest challenges of parenthood. Have you ever wondered: "How can we discipline kids without using punishment?"

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Priceless Parenting: Online Parenting Classes

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Priceless Parenting: Online Parenting Classes

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Many parents tell me that when their child gets defiant, they "can't help" losing their tempers. And yes, your child will definitely figure out how to push every button you have.

But if we can't stay calm when we feel provoked, how can we expect our children to do so? After all, their brains are still developing. We're supposed to be the role models.

When you live with children, you can expect childish behavior. It's our job to calm the storm, not escalate it into a tsunami.

Research shows that children and teens who are routinely yelled at are more likely to develop depression, anxiety and behavior problems, including physical aggression. Maybe you were yelled at and came out okay, but what would your life look like if you had zero self-esteem issues, zero tendency to anxiety or depression? Breaking the cycle of yelling is a huge gift to your child.

And, since your child will learn compassion and patience from you, it's a gift to your grandchildren.

Here's how you can model self-regulation and emotional intelligence instead of drama and tantrums, even when emotions get hot.

1. When you first notice your temperature rising, Stop, Drop (whatever your agenda is at that moment, just until you're calmer) and Breathe.

Remind yourself that it isn't an emergency. You can't avoid getting triggered, at least sometimes. But you can train yourself to notice when you're losing it, and to step away from the heat.

2. Don't set limits when you're angry unless someone is in danger.

For instance, if your kids are fighting, move the child who is in danger to safety. Try not to engage with the child who's angry, until you calm down. If your child tries to engage, say as calmly as you can: "We will talk about this once I'm calm. For now, I expect you to be on your best behavior."

If you feel an urgent need to set your child straight, that's a signal that you're in "fight, flight or freeze". When your child starts looking like the enemy, just bite your tongue and turn away.

You can still set limits with your child, once you calm down. You'll be able to connect before you correct, at that point -- so you can calm the storm instead of making things worse.

No, you don't look weak. You look like someone who can manage her anger. You're the role model, remember?

3. Remind yourself that your child isn't "misbehaving" because he's out to get you.

If he's "acting out," he's acting out emotions he can't articulate. He's still learning and his brain is still developing, so he needs your help to calm down and put his feelings into words.

4. Control you, not your child.

It's natural to respond to your child's defiance with anger. But that won't help the situation; it just escalates the storm. Resist taking any action while you deal with your own emotions. Your priority is to melt that knot in your chest that's making you feel so upset.

(Finding it hard to calm down? That's our next post: Angry? Don't lose it. Use it!)

Once you restore yourself to a state of calm, your child will be more reasonable, too. If she's not, go on to #5.

5. Create safety by listening.

Whether your toddler is tantrumming or your ten year old is shouting, what your child needs is for you to listen. Say "You must be so upset to speak to me that way .... what's going on?" Then listen.

Wondering how your child will stop tantrumming or shouting if you "reward" him by listening? If he feels heard, he won't need to shout. As soon as you create safety with your calm voice and willingness to hear his point of view, your child will begin to calm down. That's not a reward. It's teaching him that yelling is not necessary.

And ultimately, kids learn emotional regulation from our modeling. So shouting back teaches all the wrong lessons. Of course you need to set limits on dangerous behavior, but you can do that with compassion so you create emotional safety at the same time. You never need to limit feelings. And no, sending your child to his room to calm down does not create emotional safety. It teaches your child that his emotions are shameful and scary.

6. Remind yourself that all behavior is communication.

One of the biggest mistakes parents make when their child is angry is "correcting" the child's expression of anger. But that just makes the child feel unheard, which increases their fury. It also sets up a power struggle. So if your child sweeps everything off the table onto the floor, resist telling her to "Pick that up right now!" She knows she was breaking the rules -- that's why she did it; so you would see how upset she is.

Instead, take her behavior as communication and answer what she's telling you. "You're showing me how furious you are by throwing things on the floor. I see you're very angry. I'm sorry this is so hard. Tell me in words and I will listen and help make this better."

After your child calms down, and after you have acknowledged what they were upset about, gently point out that you are always there to listen, so your child never needs to throw things on the floor to get your attention. Ask if they need any help to clean up the mess. Most kids will apologize at that point and will rush to clean up the mess they made. Their takeaway? "My parents always listen. I don't need to escalate. They are there to help."

7. Soften your heart.

What if your child is stuck in anger and doesn't soften? Lead the way. Soften your own heart. Sure, you're right, at least from your perspective. But would you rather be right, or have your child feel understood, so they're more open to your influence? Work hard to see it from his perspective, even if you disagree. He'll soften in response, and be more likely to show you the tears and fears behind the anger. You might think you're "giving in" but you aren't, because you aren't changing your rules or limits. You're just making space for his experience; validating how he feels. And when you try this, you'll find that softening your heart to see his side of things is healing for you, too.

8. Take a break.

Can't get any softer at this moment, because you're both too angry? Let it go for now. Tell your child " I need to calm down; then we'll find a way to make this better." Once you've calmed down, find a way to re-connect. Model for your child how to repair the tear in your relationship. Use physical touch and playful laughter to build trust and safety.

That's it. Less drama, more love.

This approach is transformational. But what if you find yourself exploding often, or you find it so hard to calm down that you can't make this approach work? That's a message that you need to do some work on yourself. After all, no one ever really "triggers" you. They're your triggers, from your own childhood. Your child has simply unearthed them and is giving you the opportunity to heal them. That's our next post: Angry? Don't lose it. Use it!

***

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Click here to watch Dr. Laura's video on emotional regulation, "Every Parent's Number One Responsibility."

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Many parents tell me that when their child gets defiant, they "can't help" losing their tempers. And yes, your child will definitely figure out how to push every button you have. But if we can't stay calm when we feel provoked, how can we expect our children to do so?

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Kids experience a vast array of feelings, just as adults do. They can feel bored, anxious, sad, disappointed, embarrassed, and scared-to name a few. While most of us experience any number of emotions from day to day, we are not necessarily taught how to deal with them or how to cope.

Kids need to learn skills to manage their emotions in a healthy way. It's important to teach them coping skills that can help them face their fears, calm themselves down, and cheer themselves up.

Without healthy coping skills, kids are likely to act out-essentially sending a message that says, "I feel out of control so I'm going to act out of control." Kids who don't know how to deal with their feelings also are more likely to turn to unhealthy coping strategies, like alcohol or food, as they grow older.

For example, instead of working on math homework they don't understand, teens who use avoidance coping may go play basketball with their friends to avoid doing homework altogether.

Then, failing the assignment is likely to compound their academic problems. These teens are likely to fall further behind in school because they didn't take steps to learn how to cope with the anxiety and frustration they experience when they try to do the work.

Impact of Coping Skills

One study published in the journal Addictive Behaviors found that adolescents who use avoidance coping are more likely to use marijuana.﻿﻿ And those who lack problem-solving skills have higher lifetime marijuana use. This is just one example of how a lack of coping skills might lead to a dependence on something else.

On the flip side, kids who learn healthy coping skills at an early age may enjoy some big advantages in life. A study published in the American Journal of Public Health discovered a significant association between social-emotional skills in kindergarten and well-being in adulthood.﻿﻿

Researchers found that children who were able to regulate their emotions at 5 years old were more likely to go to college and have steady jobs as adults. These kids also were less likely to use substances, be engaged in criminal activity, and have mental health issues.

Multiple Strategies

There are two types of coping strategies. These include emotion-focused coping skills and problem-focused coping skills. Both types of skills are important for kids to learn and implement in their lives.

Emotion-focused coping skills help kids deal with their feelings so they feel less stressed.﻿﻿ These skills are necessary for situations when kids can't change the situation-like dealing with the loss of a pet or not making the basketball team. These skills also can help kids learn how to tolerate stress better so they can persevere.

Meanwhile, problem-focused coping skills involve taking action to change the situation. These skills might involve ending an unhealthy friendship or telling a teacher about a bully. These skills can be helpful when a child has some control over the situation. It's important to ensure that your child has both types of coping skills.

Emotion-Focused Coping Skills

Emotion-focused skills involve doing things that help your child feel better. They also involve doing something that offers a temporary distraction so they can return to the issue when they're feeling more level-headed. The following are some healthy emotion-focused coping skills for kids.

Label Feelings

Just being able to verbalize, "I'm mad," or "I'm nervous," can take the sting out of uncomfortable emotions. Give kids the words they need to describe their feelings. You can read books, look at "feeling faces" posters, or talk about emotions. Then, when they're struggling with a tough emotion, ask them to describe how they're feeling.

Learn Breathing Exercises

A few slow, deep breaths can help kids relax their minds and their bodies. One way to teach kids to do this is by encouraging them to take "bubble breaths." Tell kids to breathe in deeply through their nose and then breathe out slowly through their mouth like they're trying to blow a bubble with a wand.

An alternative strategy is to teach your kills to "smell the pizza." Tell them to breathe in through their nose like they're smelling a piece of pizza. Then, tell them to blow on the pizza to cool it down. Encourage kids to do this several times to help them feel better.

Participate in Exercise

Exercise can be a great way for kids to get out of their excess energy when they're nervous and to boost their mood when they're down. Strength building exercises like lifting weights and aerobic exercises like running or biking can be excellent ways to help kids regulate their emotions.

Encourage your kids to turn to physical activities when they are struggling with difficult emotions or situations. Eventually, going for a walk or a run will become a common-and healthy-way for them to cope with the challenges they face.

Create Artwork

Whether your child enjoys painting with watercolors, coloring in a coloring book, doodling, sculpting with clay, or creating a collage, creating art can be an excellent coping strategy.

Make sure you have plenty of art supplies on hand if this strategy works for your child. Eventually, your child will just pull out the supplies as a way of coping with difficult emotions.

Reading books can serve as a great temporary distraction, especially for kids who love to escape into stories. Often, when kids are done reading, they feel better equipped to tackle a problem because they're feeling calm and rejuvenated.

So, keep a supply of books on hand that your kids can go to when they need a temporary distraction.

When kids can't stop thinking about something bad that happened at school or something they're dreading in the future, do something to get their mind off their concerns.

Whether you play a board game or kick around a ball outside, doing something active can help change the channel in their brains. Then, they'll be able to think about other things, rather than dwell on all the things that make them feel bad.

Yoga provides many benefits to the mind and the body. A study published in Body Image found that four weeks of yoga led to better moods and improved body image in children.﻿﻿

Whether you decide to enroll your child in a yoga class or you do yoga videos together as a family in your living room, teaching your child about yoga could be a lifelong skill. And when your kids need a boost in mood or need help relaxing, you can remind them to practice some of their yoga poses.

Whether your children like to make their own music or they enjoy listening to calming songs, music can affect their brain and their body. In fact, music is often incorporated into treatment programs for physical health, mental health, and even substance use problems.

Watch a Funny Video

Laughing is a good way to take a mental break from problems. Watching a funny animal video, a hilarious cartoon, or something you captured on video could be a great way to help kids feel better. Even better, have your children create their own funny videos. Or, have them try recording some "Dad jokes" and playing them later for the family to enjoy.

Learn Positive Self-Talk

When children are upset, their self-talk is likely to become negative. They may think things like, "I'm going to embarrass myself," or "None of the other kids are going to talk to me."

Teach your kids how to speak to themselves kindly by asking, "What would you say to a friend who had this problem?" They're likely to have some kind, supportive words. Encourage your kids to use those same kind words when thinking about themself.

Utilize a Mood Booster

Work with your kids on making a list of all the things they like to do when they're happy-such as dancing, singing, kicking a ball, or telling jokes. Those are their mood boosters.

Then, when they're feeling down, encourage them to do something on their mood booster list. Even if they don't feel like doing it at first, doing something fun can help them feel better.

Create a "Calm Down" Kit

Fill a shoebox with items that engage your child's senses, like a stress ball to squeeze, lotion that smells good, and a picture that makes them happy. Ask your child for input on things that can be included. Then, when they're anxious, angry, or overwhelmed, encourage them to get their calm down kit.

Problem-Focused Coping Skills

Sometimes, there are situations where your child's discomfort is a sign that something needs to change in the environment. For example, if they're completely overwhelmed by being placed in an advanced class, the best solution might be to return to the regular class. Or, if they are being bullied while riding the bus, the situation might need to be addressed with the bus driver or principal.

Sometimes it's helpful to ask kids, "Do you think you need to change the situation or change how you feel about the situation?" With your help, they can become skilled at recognizing their options. Problem-focused coping skills are strategies that help reduce the source of stress. Here are a few examples of problem-focused coping skills.

Ask for Help

When your child is struggling with something, ask, "Who could help you with this?" Help kids recognize that there are likely multiple people who could assist them. For instance, a homework issue might be resolved by calling a friend. Or, it might be helpful to talk to the teacher the following day.

See if your child can name at least a few people who could help. Kids who know that it's OK to ask for help will feel empowered. They'll know that they don't need to know everything on their own and that it's OK to ask for support.

Engage in Problem-Solving

There are many ways to solve a problem. Sometimes, though, kids feel stuck and don't recognize the action they could take. When your child is struggling with a problem-whether they don't know what to wear to the dance or they keep forgetting to do their chores-sit down and problem-solve together.

Identify at least four or five possible solutions and write them down. Then, help your child pick which one they want to try. Over time, your kids will get better at solving problems on their own. Developing strong problem-solving skills will aid your kids in the years to come.

List the Pros and Cons

When kids are struggling to make a decision, like whether to play the flute or the violin, help them create a pros and cons list. Write down the positives and negatives about each option and help them review the list. Seeing things on paper may help them make a more informed decision about what they want to do.

Encourage your kids to make a list of pros and cons every time they are faced with challenging decisions. Learning to weigh their options will serve them well-especially if they are faced with moral decisions or difficult choices in the future.

Tips for Parents

Ultimately, your children should be able to use coping skills on their own so they can deal with discomfort in a healthy way when you're not there to guide them. But, as they are learning these skills, look for opportunities to talk about different strategies.

Any time you help them, point out the strategies you're using and talk about how they can remember to use them on their own in the future. For instance, if you take your child to the park after getting cut from a team, explain your reasoning.

Say, "I know you were feeling really upset, and I know you love the park. So, I thought it would be a good way to help you feel better. What are some other things that can help you feel better when you're feeling bad?"

The following are some additional tips to keep in mind when teaching your child how to use coping skills.

Prompt your child. Say things like, "It looks like you're feeling frustrated. What would help you calm down right now?" The goal is that your children learn what works for them when coping with issues or difficult situations so they can identify what they need to do.

Allow your child to feel bad. Your child doesn't need to be happy all the time. Feeling angry, sad, or scared can be part of the healing process. However, it's important that your child not stay stuck in a bad mood. When emotions are interfering with their ability to function well, encourage kids to use coping skills.

Praise your child. When you notice your child using coping skills, provide praise. Say, "I saw you taking some bubble breaths on the playground today. Nice job calming yourself down." Letting your child know that you saw them use their skills reinforces their importance.

Discuss strategies. Help children learn to identify which strategies work best for them. Ask questions like, "Did coloring help you feel better?" The goal is to encourage your child to identify what works and what doesn't when they are feeling stressed, frustrated, or overwhelmed.

Watch for escapism. Any coping skill can become unhealthy if it's overused. But it's equally important to be aware of how much time your child is spending on electronics. Screen time can become a means of escapism that helps your child avoid problems, rather than cope with them.

When your child makes a mistake-such as breaking an object out of anger or opting out of something they wanted to do because of nerves-use it as a teaching opportunity. Help your kids sharpen their skills so they feel better equipped to deal with discomfort in the future.

A Word From Verywell

Developing strong coping skills takes time and patience. Don't expect your kids to use these strategies effectively right out of the gate. It will take them a little time to determine what works and what doesn't. Additionally, they may find that some coping strategies are more useful than others. So, don't try to force them into a mold. Instead, empower them to choose what works best for them.

If you think your child or your teen is being negatively impacted by stress or is having trouble coping with difficult situations, talk to your pediatrician. Your child's doctor can offer suggestions as well as make a referral to a mental health professional if one is needed.

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Kids experience a vast array of feelings, just as adults do. They can feel bored, anxious, sad, disappointed, embarrassed, and scared-to name a few. While most of us experience any number of emotions from day to day, we are not necessarily taught how to deal with them or how to cope.

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Sunny Patel, M.D., M.P.H., Center for Mental Health Services

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Back to School and Mental Health: Supporting Our Children for a Successful Year Ahead

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As the heat of the summer reaches its peak, and (hopefully soon) gives way to the cooler autumn breezes, it’s time for children and youth to return to school. This transition — filled with excitement, anticipation, and some natural apprehension — is an annual ritual for millions of students across our nation. As we prepare for the new academic year, it’s crucial to remember that school readiness isn’t just about having the right supplies, it’s also about mental health.

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Imagine two equally talented graduates at their first jobs. Within a year, downsizing gets them both laid off. One becomes caught up in thinking he's failed: I was never good enough. My boss hated me. The other decides, I wanted this job so badly. I better fix my resume and learn how to deal with a difficult boss better. Who moves through adversity more quickly?

The same attitude carries over for parents around daily routines, school, or anything else. If one parent expects bedtime to be stressful and another feels it should happen without much adult effort, who has a harder time sticking to sleep training when it gets challenging? Our perspective toward whatever we encounter in life fundamentally changes how we experience it.

Stress itself can be defined as the perception that something is more than we can handle. When we frame challenges as surmountable, we surmount them more easily. When we frame them as opportunities for failure, we more often fail. That may sound like the most hackneyed, clichéd advice ever, but it is a foundation of resilience research.

What is resilience?

Resilience relies on how we perceive our lives. So maybe we get queasy watching our child on stage for the first time; anxious and concerned, we start ruminating. Within those thoughts exist layers of assumptions, perspectives, and mental filters- I didn't prepare her enough; she's going to embarrass herself; I must do something to save her. If we feel our role is to protect kids from everything, that moment on stage becomes miserable. If we recognize we cannot shield our children from every hurt, but we've done our best, the experience changes- I'm almost as stressed as she is! Hope it goes well, but I'm here if it doesn't.

Perception itself is malleable. In fact, this idea is a focus of the military's resilience training for soldiers. Participants explore mental traps-habitual distortions that undermine emotional well-being. These pitfalls might represent thoughts like Asking for help is an admission of failure. They include catastrophizing the worst possible outcome of every situation or, alternatively, minimizing and ignoring whatever overwhelms. An overly active inner critic may continually let us know we are not good enough to manage. All these distortions represent filters that twist perspective and pull us away from resiliency.

With mindfulness practice, we learn to hold these patterns to the light and question ourselves: What is valid, if anything, and what isn't useful? Is our view inflexible, reactive, or full of doubt? Without belittling ourselves or forcing ourselves to be unnaturally positive, we observe with curiosity and redirect ourselves until new habits develop: She's on her own up on stage now; I'm nervous but need to let go.

Uncertainty and change are inevitable in life-doubly so for parents. Instinct drives us to worry and protect endlessly because we care more than anything about our families. But if the only relief we seek is striving to battle uncertainty into submission, that causes needless stress, as certainty never happens-and too much stress undermines not only how we feel but the choices we make day to day.

Laboring under the misperception that parenting worry is ever going away only makes us feel worse. We cannot and should not aim to control everything. Rather, we can shift our perspective to accept that stressful things happen over and over again. When we try to fix everything we face and reach for a perfect picture of happiness, we undermine our best intentions. The perception that parenting or any other part of life can be anything other than imperfect and changing pushes us far from our most skillful and resilient selves.

Laboring under the misperception that parenting worry is ever going away only makes us feel worse. We cannot and should not aim to control everything.

You can begin to separate your perspective from the experience itself. Many attitudes toward adversity seem like factual statements: Those people are like that. My child will never . . . I'm not the sort of person who ever . . . Notice those habitual thoughts, and ask of each, Is it true? Drop your assumptions and predictions for a while, and see what changes.

Try catching yourself with this simple S.T.O.P. practice:

Stop whatever you're doing.

Take a few slow breaths.

Observe what's going on around you and in your mind, and

Pick how to proceed.

For a longer practice, follow the instructions below.

Follow the STOP practice

Stop what you're doing; put things down for a minute. Get comfortable in the position you're in, almost as if you're relaxing into this moment.

Take a few deep breaths. See if you can tune in to the subtle sensations involved with inhalation and with exhalation, as if this were the first time you've ever noticed your breathing.

Observe your experience just as it is. If your mind wanders, gently guide it back to this moment. Notice any feelings present and how they're being expressed. Research shows that just naming your emotions can turn the volume down on the fear circuit in the brain. Turn your attention to your body. How is your posture? How does it feel?

Proceed. As the stress response begins to calm, ask the question: What's most important right now to pay attention to? Whatever comes up in your mind, that's what you'll continue with.
STOP practice from Elisha and Stefanie Goldstein
Six steps to shift perceptions

The following suggestions, adapted from recommendations of the American Psychological Association, provide a framework for shifting perceptions and building resilience:

1. Make connections and accept help. Value relationships with close family members and friends, prioritizing time with them, and reach out for support when needed.

2. Monitor for mental traps. Whenever undermining habits appear, pause, label them catastrophizing again, and redirect. For example, if you feel shut down by fear, acknowledge that fact, then refocus on something useful to be done as a first step: If nothing else, I'm calling the pediatrician today and getting a referral.

3. Nurture a positive view of yourself. Catch your inner critic in action, set it aside, and focus on your own strengths instead: Thanks anyway, I wish I'd done it differently but I didn't. What would be the best thing to do now?

4. Aim to accept that change and uncertainty are a part of living. One common misperception that undermines well-being and resilience is fighting with whatever is truly beyond our control. Even when something upsetting happens, separate that experience from a broader expectation that it "shouldn't" have happened in the first place.

5. Develop step-by-step goals and take decisive action. Rather than detaching and wishing stress away, stay proactive. When tasks seem unachievable, ask, What's one small thing I can accomplish that moves me in the direction I want to go?

6. Take care of yourself. Engage in activities that you enjoy and find relaxing. Taking care of yourself helps to keep your mind and body primed for resilience.

Tune in to your experience

Children learn more from what you do than what you say, so your resilience-the way they watch you approach adversity-affects theirs. Pay attention to how you experience challenges. Note how your body feels, your emotions, and where your thoughts go. Are you projecting your fears about the future? Are you caught up in regret or resentment? We often add to unpleasant moments in ways that make them even more difficult.
Adapted from How Children Thrive: The Practical Science of Raising Independent, Resilient, and Happy Kids by Mark Bertin, MD. Copyright 2018 by Mark Bertin. To be published by Sounds True in May 2018.

4 Strategies for Mindful Parenting

5 Ways to Build Resilience Every Day

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Imagine two equally talented graduates at their first jobs. Within a year, downsizing gets them both laid off. One becomes caught up in thinking he's failed: I was never good enough. My boss hated me. The other decides, I wanted this job so badly.

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Protective Factors: Meeting parenting Stress with Parental Resilience 

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Protective Factors: Meeting parenting Stress with Parental Resilience 

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Parents with resilience also know how to seek help in times of trouble. Their ability to deal with life's ups and downs serves as a model of coping behavior for their children, which can help them learn critical self-regulation and problem-solving skills. Because no one gets through life without having to deal with stress, resilience is an important life skill to develop.
Life Stressors
Being a parent can be a wonderful experience much of the time. But parenting also comes with its share of stress. Parenting stress is caused by personal pressures (stressors), as well as those that arise in relation to having children:

Typical events and life changes (e.g., moving to a new city or not being able to soothe a crying baby)

Unexpected events (e.g., losing a job or discovering that your child has a medical condition or disability)

Individual factors (e.g., substance abuse or traumatic experiences)

Social factors (e.g., relationship difficulties or feelings loneliness and isolation)

Community, societal, and environmental conditions (e.g., persistent poverty, racism, or a natural disaster)

According to the Center for the Study of Social Policy, experts have concluded that how parents respond to stressors is much more important than the stressor itself in determining the outcomes for themselves and their children. Parents are more likely to achieve healthy, favorable outcomes if they are resilient.
How Can You Build Resilience?
Some stressors parents face can be managed relatively easily so that problems get resolved. For example, calling a relative or friend to pick-up a child from school when you are delayed at work. But some stressors cannot be easily resolved. For example, parents cannot "fix" their child's developmental disability, erase the abuse they suffered as a child, or simply move out of a crime-plagued neighborhood.

For this reason, we don't measure resilience by a parent's ability to fix problems. Rather, parents are resilient when they are able to call forth their inner strength to proactively meet personal challenges and those in relation to their child, manage adversities, heal the effects of trauma, and thrive given the unique characteristics and circumstances of their family.

All parents have inner strengths and resources that can serve as a foundation for building resilience. These may include faith, flexibility, humor, communications skills, problem-solving skills, mutually supportive caring relationships, or the ability to identify and access outside resources and services when needed. These qualities can be nurtured and developed through skill-building activities and supportive interactions with others.
Resilience Tips
There are many actions you can take to build personal resilience:

Keep a self-care diary to help you to remember to make time for yourself each day.

Look for opportunities to go for walks outside during your day. Fresh air and exercise are helpful in managing stress.

Learn concrete exercises for increasing relaxation. For example, taking a few deep breaths, while thinking of a place that makes you feel happy, will stimulate the nervous system to send a message telling your body to relax.

Seek out connections. Attend an event, like workshops we offer at the Exchange Family Center, to feel community support and get answers to your specific questions. It can help to know you are not alone in the struggle.

All parents experience stress from time-to-time. Thus, parental resilience is a process that all parents need in order effectively manage stressful situations and help ensure they and their families are on a trajectory of healthy, positive outcomes.
Protective Factors in Practice
The following scenario illustrates how different protective factors, including parental resilience, can be used to buffer against stress and strengthen families in a real-world example.
Scenario:
Steven, a 30-year-old father is raising his two children alone after losing his wife in a tragic car accident six months ago. Steven and his children-Dana, age 8, and Johnny, age 10-have suffered emotionally because of their loss. Steven is also struggling with the practical task of getting himself to work and the kids to school on time during the week, although family and friends are assisting the family on the weekends.

Dana and Johnny are having increasing difficulties at home and in school. Dana is not eating well and wants to be left alone most of the time. Johnny is getting in fights with the children in his class. Steven, along with his sister Renee, recently met with the school counselor and teachers to discuss the children's situation. School officials are aware of the children's recent loss of their mother and have suggested that the family receive bereavement counseling and art therapy to help them through this traumatic time. Steven has approached other parents to help out with carpooling and getting the kids to school on time. Renee has agreed to help Steven with the children in the evenings too. Steven signed up for a class twice per week to get himself out of the house and give him a chance to be with other supportive adults in a low pressure environment.
As an exercise, consider the degree to which parental resilience is present at the end of the scenario and what other kinds of support might strengthen this family. What stressful experiences in your life have you met with resilience?
At the Exchange Family Center, we're here for families who want to find ways to build stronger relationships and raise competent, confident, resilient children. We believe community support is essential to bolstering these protective factors. For more support and help building resilience, take a look at our resources for parents and caregivers.

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Protective Factors: Meet Parenting Stress with Parental Resilience - Exchange Family Center

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Protective factors can serve as buffers, helping parents find resources, support, and coping strategies that allow them to parent more effectively. One protective factor is parental resilience.

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Resilience in Children: Strategies to Strengthen Your Kids

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Resilience in Children: Strategies to Strengthen Your Kids

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Resilience: How to Build it in children 3-8

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Resilience: How to Build it in children 3-8

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Resilience: what is it?

Resilience is the ability to 'bounce back' after challenges and tough times.

For children, challenges and tough times include experiences like starting at a new school or kindergarten, moving house, or welcoming a sibling into the family. They can also include serious experiences like being bullied, family breakdown, family illness or death.

Children build resilience over time through experience. You can help your child learn skills and develop resilience by having a warm, supportive relationship with them.

Resilience: why it's good for children

Children who are resilient can recover from setbacks and get back to living their lives more quickly. And when children overcome setbacks and problems, it builds their confidence and helps them feel more capable the next time a problem comes up.

Resilient children are often good at solving problems and learning new skills. This is because they're more willing to try again even if things don't go the way they want the first time.

And when things don't go well and children feel anxious, sad, disappointed, afraid or frustrated, resilience helps them understand that these uncomfortable emotions usually don't last forever. They can experience these emotions and know they'll be OK before too long.

Resilient children are less likely to avoid problems or deal with them in unhealthy ways, like getting defensive or aggressive or intentionally hurting themselves. Resilient children are also likely to have better physical and mental health than children who struggle to be resilient.

All children experience challenges but children with anxious temperaments, learning difficulties or disabilities might find certain situations particularly challenging - for example, reading aloud in class or being left with an unfamiliar carer. When children build their resilience skills, they can better manage their emotions and overcome setbacks.

Relationships and resilience

Relationships are the foundation of your child's resilience.

Your child's most important relationships are with you and their other main caregivers. Strong relationships with you and other carers helps your child feel loved, safe and secure. This sense of safety and security gives your child the confidence to explore their world and to recover from any setbacks they experience.

Your child's relationships with grandparents, aunties and uncles, early childhood educators and teachers, and friends are also important. These family and community connections give your child a sense of belonging and the feeling that they're valued. These feelings help to build your child's confidence and resilience.

Children learn about resilience from watching how you and other important people in their lives respond to tough times and setbacks. When your child sees you try again, let anger go, or think positively in difficult situations, they learn that they can do the same.

Building resilience in children

Children learn resilience through experience. Each time your child overcomes a problem, it builds their confidence in their ability to handle the next challenge.

Here are some ways you can build your child's resilience:

Support your child but try not to solve every minor problem or disappointment. For example, if your child doesn't get invited to a birthday party or didn't get what they want for their birthday, you could talk about how they feel instead of trying to fix the problem.

Avoid predicting and preventing problems for your child. This might mean letting your child hand in homework that's wrong or not replacing a broken toy. Overcoming small challenges builds your child's resilience for bigger setbacks.

Help your child to identify and manage strong emotions. For example, your child might be worried about a family member who's sick. You could say, 'I can see you're really worried about Grandpa. It's OK to be worried. But remember we're doing everything we can to help him get better'.

Encourage your child to have another go when things don't work out the first time they try something. Praise your child for trying, no matter the result. You could say 'I'm proud of you for finishing the race' or 'Well done for giving it another go'.

Build your child's self-compassion. Self-compassion helps your child deal with disappointment, failures or mistakes by being kind to themselves. In turn, this helps them to move on from difficult experiences.

Make it a habit to recognise and acknowledge when things are going well. For example, during family meals you could each share one positive thing from your day.

Help your child to develop problem-solving skills in an age-appropriate way. For example, if a child at school says or does something unkind to your child, brainstorm how your child might respond next time.

Find a positive role model who has experienced similar challenges to your child. For example, your child might find support in an older friend whose parents have separated or who has lost a family member.

Children develop resilience over time, so try to be patient and supportive while your child works out how to respond to challenges. You might want to make everything all right for your child, but sometimes your child has to go through uncomfortable feelings so they can work things out for themselves.

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Resilience: how to build it in children 3-8 years

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Resilience is the ability to bounce back after challenges. Resilience develops when children experience challenges and learn to deal with them positively.

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Overview

Mental health is an important part of overall health for children as well as adults. For many adults who have mental disorders, symptoms were present-but often not recognized or addressed-in childhood and adolescence. For a young person with symptoms of a mental disorder, the earlier treatment is started, the more effective it can be. Early treatment can help prevent more severe, lasting problems as a child grows up.

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For many years it was believed that children did not experience depression or anxiety and that those who appeared to were merely malingering or attention-seeking. This is no longer the case. It is now widely accepted that as many as 8 to 11% of children and adolescents suffer from anxiety that affects their ability to get on with their lives.

So what are anxiety disorders amongst children, what are they caused by and how can parents help children who are affected?

Section 1: Children and their emotions

All children, of whatever age, experience powerful emotions. The world of young children can be a frightening and uncertain place, as can that of adolescents, who are facing a time of rapid physical and emotional change.

Many parents can remember times in their own childhood when they were very frightened, anxious, miserable or worried. Such feelings are part of growing up, and confronting the many changes being presented to us throughout childhood.

Children are sensitive to what happens around them, and young children in particular can feel that it is their fault when things go wrong at home (such as parents becoming ill). This makes them feel worried and guilty. Section 2 examines the range of issues that can lead to children and young people becoming anxious.

Not all children's emotions are logical. Small children ordinarily have fears about the dark, insects, ghosts, kidnappers and getting lost or abandoned. Such fears are common and normal in all young children. Usually, children grow out of their fears but sometimes they persist as the child grows up - there are plenty of adults who are anxious about spiders or dogs. Only when such fears stop your child doing ordinary activities is there real cause for concern.

Anxiety in young children

Children can develop fears and phobias at any age, but they are especially common during early childhood, and again during puberty. Infants can appear to be upset, to be irritable and sleepless, but in very small children, such behaviour is more likely to be caused by hunger, cold, and physical diseases than anxiety.

The situation is not so clear-cut as children get a little older. Certainly, it may appear to many parents of toddlers that their children are overly anxious or clinging. All toddlers express distress at being separated from their carers, along with occasional sleeplessness. Parents can help their children by offering them reassurance that everything is alright.

It might feel as if your child clings excessively. Some children are naturally more timid and anxious than others, and for them, the stress of new experiences is greater than for other children. However, in time, this behaviour will usually pass.

For other children, however, excessive clinging is a sign that they are extremely anxious. It is important when deciding what is excessive clinging in your child to take into account their nature, as well as what is happening within the child's immediate environment. However, if your child clings so much that they are unable to play with other children, if they are unable to sleep alone, or be in a different room from you, this might indicate that they are overly anxious.

Parents may worry that other behaviours in young children indicate that they are insecure or worried. However, often these are exactly the opposite. For example, many young children constantly carry comforting pieces of blanket or favourite toys. They do not indicate insecurity and there is nothing to be gained by removing a young child's comfort object, in fact, there are grounds for thinking that children who have comfort objects are better able to cope than those who do not develop the habit.

There are a number of things that parents can do to help children get through this stage of development.

try to make sure that small children get a wide range of experiences, particularly meeting people outside the home and playing with other children.

try and ensure that your child is able to make their own decisions over small things - this will help them grow in confidence.

help children to learn how to fall asleep on their own when they have a nap in the afternoon as well as at night. Make their bedroom a nice place to be, with a night light. Keeping to a regular bedtime is often beneficial, as is a set routine of getting children into bed. Explain what you want them to do (lie quietly in bed waiting to fall asleep; they can't fall asleep by will-power), return to their bedroom at regular intervals to comfort them if necessary but leave the room before they fall to sleep and praise them for lying in bed quietly.

try to make sure they spend at least a day away from home and their parents before starting school. By experiencing such a separation they will be less apprehensive about having to spend time away from home.

try and ensure that you are not always worried and anxious. Bringing up children can be stressful, but, if your child feels that you are always worried, they are more likely to be anxious themselves. Remember to take time out for yourself - to relax.

If you feel that your child is over-anxious, section 3 of this leaflet, sets out where you might go for help.

School-age children

Like young children, some school-age children can become over-anxious. This can be a real concern for parents and professionals working with them. Signs of anxiety in children of this age include children who:

are extremely shy, timid and clinging

have real difficulties mixing with other children

have difficulty getting off to and staying asleep

have repeated nightmares (more than one a week)

have repeated complaints of headache or tummyache

are constantly asking if things are all right or other ways of asking for reassurance.

Some children will have panic attacks in which they feel that it is difficult to breathe and that they are going to die.

Anxious children can be irritable and demanding. They can also be a source of extreme worry for parents. In addition to this, it often takes a great deal of patience for parents to see that behind the difficult behaviour, there is anxiety and uncertainty. Many parents will respond angrily to their children's behaviour, when what the children want is for their parents to be calm, to know exactly how they are feeling and why. If parents seem not to understand, children can feel that the parents are ignoring their feelings on purpose, which can in turn exacerbate their difficult behaviour. It is important for parents to try and talk calmly to children about the things that are worrying them, and to reassure them whenever possible.

Teenagers

The teenage years can be a fraught time for adolescents and parents alike. It is a time of rapid physical development and emotional change and this can be very uncomfortable. Signs of anxiety among adolescents might be revealed through over-eating or under-eating, excessive sleepiness, and over-concern with appearance. Some adolescents will experience phobias and panic attacks may occur. For the majority of young people the feelings of uncertainty, turmoil and unhappiness that are all part of adolescence, do not mean that they will go on to develop more serious problems. However, for a minority of adolescents, specialist help may be necessary.

Parents can play an important role in helping their children through this difficult time. Strategies that parents can develop include:

setting clear ground rules for the young person - these should be reasonable and become less restrictive as older children become more responsible.

be prepared to really listen to your child - adolescents are much more likely to confide in you and trust you if they feel that you will respond to their worries and not automatically criticise them.

find support for yourself - many parents feel rejected by their adolescent offspring and are uncertain how to support them. Talking to other parents and to your partner can make you feel less isolated.

When the young person's anxiety is such that it is causing them prolonged distress or it is interfering with their lives; stopping them from going out with friends, or having relationships or hobbies, for example, then you might want to consider asking for professional help. For further information on where to go for help, see Section 3.

Section 2: Why do children become anxious?

Reasons for being generally anxious

There is a range of reasons why children and young people become anxious. In most cases, when children are extremely anxious there is a very real cause to this; perhaps they are having difficulties at school, (for example) being bullied. Anxiety can also have no apparent cause, but be very real in its own right, and cannot be overcome by willpower. However, attempts to get children to master their anxiety by telling them "not to be so silly" will fail.

Below are a number of reasons why children and young people might become anxious.

a temperamental disposition. Anxiety can run in families. There is a genetic predisposition to some children being anxious.

physical illness or disability

family problems

school worries

problems with friends and activities out of school

Physical illness and disabilities

Being physically ill may cause children to become anxious. For example, if a child has a severe asthma attack, fears of dying
may be aroused, or overprotective attitudes by parents or carers may be provoked.

Children and young people with physical disabilities may be caused a great deal of anxiety as a result of other children's responses to them.

Reasons within the family

Rows between parents

Young children feel insecure and threatened when they hear their parents rowing, especially when children hear threats by one parent to hurt the other, or to leave home, or when they overhear insults which they do not know whether to believe.

Many parents, when faced with an unsympathetic partner, turn to their children, for support and a listening ear. This can be destructive for the child, placing them in an impossible situation and often resulting in the child feeling extremely anxious.

During and after a row parents are angry and unlikely to be able to comfort their child. Either parent may be upset at a time when their child needs them. The parent may push them away, which can confirm the child's sense of guilt at being somehow to blame.

Recent parental divorce

Parental separation and divorce are usually painful and distressing for children They continue to love the parent who leaves the home and cannot understand why their parents cannot live together. The child may think that it is their fault that their parents have separated, and this, in addition to divided loyalties between the parents, can result in the child feeling very insecure and anxious. It is important for parents who divorce to tell their children that they will not be abandoned and that the divorce is not their fault. It is also important not to criticise the other absent parent in the children's hearing or ask the children to take sides.

Parental illness

If a parent is ill, young children may also assume that this is their fault. Children readily think that the illness is because of something they thought or did (or didn't do).

Some children start to think that they should be ill or die themselves instead of their parent. This sort of thinking is very private and children do not talk about it easily. It is often wise to answer children's questions about illness in a factual but not overly detailed way and take the opportunity to state that its cause was nothing to do with them.

Parents seeking reassurance from their children

A few anxious parents ask their children for reassurance that they are loved by them, that they are doing the right thing, or that their children will never leave them in later life. This places a huge burden on children who easily come to believe that they are responsible for their parent's state of mind. Parents should reassure children, not the other way around.

Parents using excessive threats to control their children

Managing children's behaviour is difficult. Clear instructions and the use of praise, coupled with clear limits to bad behaviour such as sending children to their room or withdrawing privileges, are usually sufficient. However, a few parents find that these are too difficult or insufficient and resort to issuing wild threats. After a while, most children discover that these are bluffs and the harassed parent makes the threats more terrifying. When these involve threats of abandoning the child ("I'll put you in a home"... "I'll just go away one of these days...") children can become seriously anxious. This can result in making them feel irritable so that they offend the parent more and the threats intensify. Positive disciplining, giving encouragement to the child's good behaviour and not constantly highlighting the bad, can be a much more effective way of promoting the desired behaviour and increasing your child's confidence.

Reasons at school

Troubles with other children

Bullying, rejection and teasing are widespread in schools. It can sometimes be difficult for adults to understand the distress and misery bullying causes, especially if the bullying is "only" teasing and name-calling. But being persistently teased can make children very unhappy. It can lead to low self-esteem, with the child feeling that they deserve to be bullied. It can also lead to problems in later life. Some adults who were bullied as children find that they often get depressed, lack self-confidence and feel resentful.

There are positive steps that schools can take to stop bullying. Effective ways include the school making it clear that all pupils have a right not to be bullied, encouraging pupils that is not wrong to "tell" and that when bullying occurs measures will be taken to stop it.

Parents too can play an important role in supporting children who have been bullied; by listening to what the child is saying about their experiences and believing them, and by working with them to rebuild their sense of self-esteem.

Troubles with schoolwork

Children can become extremely depressed as a result of unattainable academic expectations that they feel teachers or parents have of them. For example, consistent low achievement, or a fear of failure can lead to a child fearing rejection from parents and friends and becoming extremely anxious. Constant encouragement and support is the best way of encouraging children to fulfil their potential.

Troubles with teachers

Some teachers and children just do not hit it off. If you think that your child is being treated unfairly by a teacher, take it up with that teacher but not in a confrontational way. Parents do not always realise that children can be very different at home than at school.

Reasons outside home and school

There are a host of things which children, especially teenagers can get anxious about. Worries about girlfriends and boyfriends are near the top of the list. Anxieties about getting into trouble with authorities such as the police sometimes feature. If parents have managed to keep talking to their children then it is more likely that they will ask for their help with anything which is worrying them.

Specific fears

It is common sense that a child may learn to fear something because of a frightening experience. More perplexing are the irrational phobias which some children develop. Mostly these are severe forms of the common fears which affect many young children, but in the teens, more complicated fears can develop. When these cannot be reasoned away and prevent someone from carrying out ordinary activities they are called phobias. Several characteristic patterns of phobias are recognised in children and teenagers.

Social phobia

It is not uncommon for teenagers to be shy, but if a fear of talking or eating in public or of being looked at becomes so strong the young person cannot face other people at all, then a phobia has developed.

Agoraphobia

Just as with adults, some teenagers (but not young children) come to fear open spaces, waiting in queues, and brightly lit public places. This may stop them from being able to attend school or take part in social activities.

School phobia

Many children are fearful of starting a new school but get over their anxiety within a few days of actually attending. A few children, however, develop a powerful fear of attending school and find themselves unable to leave home and go to school - even though they may have said they intend to go. This often becomes an issue after a child has been off school for a while, for example as a result of a lengthy illness.

Obsessions

Anxious repetitive thoughts that crowd the mind and are difficult to get rid of (even though the person knows they are senseless) are obsessions. Often, they give rise to compulsive rituals such as counting, hand-washing or cleaning, which are intended to ward off such thoughts or deal with the anxieties that they produce. For instance, children may feel they have to say good night nine times or they might die in their sleep. These obsessive rituals can be unpleasant and severe, much more distressing than the simple rituals that children put into their games. Their cause is not known but it is now recognised that they are not as uncommon in childhood as was once thought.

Eating disorders

A frequent cause of stress for many young people, and also increasingly for children, is their appearance and the desire to be thin, resulting in many children and young people experimenting with diets or refusing to eat certain foods. For some young people, a difficult relationship with food can become a serious eating problem that can have a damaging effect on their physical and emotional health.

Anorexia nervosa

Children and young people with anorexia nervosa have an extreme fear of normal body weight and feel fat, even when they have lost a great deal of weight. The young person may starve themselves by eating only tiny quantities of food, many may also take quantities of laxatives and may exercise vigorously in order to lose more weight. Anorexia affects many more girls than boys, although boys do suffer from this too.

Bulimia

Bulimia tends to affect slightly older people, although adolescents can suffer from it. People with bulimia gorge themselves on
food in "binges" and then make themselves sick to get rid of the food. They may also take large numbers of laxatives. They may
not look overweight or underweight, which can make their eating problems difficult to detect. Continuous bingeing and vomiting
can eventually do serious harm to the body.

As well as having a serious effect on a young person's physical health, eating disorders are often a sign that something is troubling them emotionally. They may be linked to unhappiness at home, pressures at school or major changes to family life.

Self-harming behaviour

Another worrying sign of distress and depression amongst young people is self-harming behaviour. Young women are twice as likely to self-harm as young men. The most common form of self-harming behaviour is cutting but it can also include bruising, scraping, burning or other self-inflicted wounds. These injuries can release feelings of self-hatred, anger and anxiety, and can provide a means of self-punishment or of taking control.

It used to be believed that self-harming behaviour was "attention-seeking", however, there is now a greater understanding of the underlying problems and low self-worth associated with self-injury. Help should be available to all young people who self-harm, both immediately following episodes of self-harming and follow-up help. This is especially important as a number of young people who self-harm do also attempt suicide.

Suicide

Suicide amongst 15- to 24-year-old young men increased by 85% from 1980 to 1990. A variety of causes are seen to be responsible for this: fear of unemployment, an increase in drug use, having parents with marital problems or inconsistent parental discipline, and crises in relationships.

Young people who reveal suicidal behaviour or thoughts should receive medical help, initially from the General Practitioner but also more specialist help. In addition to this, young people should receive social support, which might include support from a social
worker or a support group. Parents have a key role to play as well, encouraging the young person to talk about their difficulties and
discuss with them ways of coping with difficult circumstances.

Section 3: What to do

It is clear that a number of causes of general anxiety in childhood can be prevented or managed by sensible handling. This is also true for many of the specific fears - as has been outlined in this leaflet, there are practical things that parents can do when these arise. For the illogical fears which are not severe enough to be called phobias, simple explanations and reassurance will help many children gradually get over them.

Anxiety or fear which is causing the child or teenager prolonged distress, or is interfering with everyday events such as going
out with family or friends or having relationships or hobbies, will often need special treatment. This treatment will nearly always
take place in a clinic without the child having to be admitted to the hospital.

There are a number of professionals who can help children and young people who are extremely anxious.

The GP

An important starting point in getting help for your child is often your local GP. It is important to be clear with the GP about the nature of your worries, and s/he should carry out a detailed interview with you and your child, enquiring into such areas as the relationship between you and your child, concerns regarding school and friends, and other difficulties that your child might be experiencing. Some GPs have counsellors attached to their practices, and they might suggest that your child talks to the counsellor about their anxiety, or they might refer them to counsellors outside the practice.

Specialist help

For other children and young people, the GP might feel that more specialist help is appropriate. If this is the case, they will refer your child to another professional for further assessment. These will most likely be:

Child and adolescent psychiatrists. These are doctors specially trained to help with anxiety in children. Child psychiatrists work in a range of settings, including hospital departments, child guidance clinics and community child and family consultation centres.

Clinical psychologists use psychological methods which can be particularly helpful with phobias. Both groups of professionals often work together.

Educational psychologists and education welfare officers may become involved in helping your child if their anxieties are about school.

In some instances, social workers might also become involved, particularly if your child's anxieties are specifically to do with their home life. The social worker might meet all the members of the family in order to help resolve any difficulties. One form of this help is called Family Therapy, although social workers can help in many other ways.

Many professionals are part of a multi-disciplinary team. These multi-disciplinary teams are often an important part of child and adolescent mental health services within a given area.

How are most anxieties treated?

This is usually achieved by talking to or helping children and parents to understand how the problem has developed so that children can understand and overcome the anxiety.

Specific fears are usually treated by helping children confront their fear in a way and at a pace that they can manage, for example by carefully planning a gradual return to school in the case of a school phobia.

Some older children can be taught how to relax.

Some children with general anxiety, which is hard to understand, can benefit from psychotherapy - intensive talking with a psychotherapist or professional skilled at this.

Talking with small children about worries is quite often helped if they are encouraged to draw or play with small toys. Children tend to reveal their preoccupation in some of their play, and skilled observation can understand this.

It is very unusual for anxious children to be treated with drugs although some obsessional problems and a few young people with panic attacks may find these helpful.

Anxiety and fear are unpleasant and can be the cause of substantial suffering in childhood and adolescence. Within the National Health Service there are a number of professionals, particularly within the Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and Clinical Psychology Services, who are experts in such matters. If you think that your child or teenager is unusually anxious, you may be able to use the information in this booklet to help matters yourself. There are also helplines for parents to discuss worries and concerns confidentially. These can also refer you to sources of specialist help in your local area. For more information on these, see Section 4.

Otherwise, you can go to your GP who may be able to help directly or will refer your child to the most appropriate local service. Again, if you are unsure what this will entail, do not be afraid to ask. There are many organisations, listed in Section 4 that will be able to help you.

Asking for help does not mean that your child is seriously disturbed nor does it mean that they are going to be taken away from you or admitted to hospital against your will. It does mean that they will be helped.

Section 4: Sources of help for parents

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A booklet for parents and carers wanting to know more about anxiety in children and young people.

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When children are chronically anxious, even the most well-meaning parents, not wanting a child to suffer, can actually make the youngster's anxiety worse. It happens when parents try to protect kids from their fears. Here are pointers for helping children escape the cycle of anxiety.

None of us wants to see a child unhappy, but the best way to help kids overcome anxiety isn't to try to remove stressors that trigger it. It's to help them learn to tolerate their anxiety and function as well as they can, even when they're anxious. And as a byproduct of that, the anxiety will decrease over time.

Helping children avoid the things they are afraid of will make them feel better in the short term, but it reinforces the anxiety over the long run. Let's say a child in an uncomfortable situation gets upset and starts to cry - not to be manipulative, but just because that's how they feel. If their parents whisk them out of there, or remove the thing they're afraid of, the child has learned that coping mechanism. And that cycle has the potential to repeat itself.

You can't promise a child that their fears are unrealistic-that they won't fail a test, that they'll have fun ice skating, or that another child won't laugh at them during show & tell. But you can express confidence that they're going to be okay, that they will be able to manage it. And you can let them know that as they face those fears, the anxiety level will drop over time. This gives them confidence that your expectations are realistic, and that you're not going to ask them to do something they can't handle.

It's important to understand that validation doesn't always mean agreement. So if a child is terrified about going to the doctor because they're due for a shot, you don't want to belittle those fears, but you also don't want to amplify them. You want to listen and be empathetic, help them understand what they're anxious about, and encourage them to feel that they can face their fears. The message you want to send is, "I know you're scared, and that's okay, and I'm here, and I'm going to help you get through this."

Encourage your child to talk about their feelings, but try not to ask leading questions- "Are you anxious about the big test? Are you worried about the science fair?" To avoid feeding the cycle of anxiety, just ask open-ended questions: "How are you feeling about the science fair?"

What you don't want to do is be saying, with your tone of voice or body language: "Maybe this is something that you should be afraid of." Let's say a child has had a negative experience with a dog. Next time they're around a dog, you might be anxious about how they will respond, and you might unintentionally send a message that they should, indeed, be worried.

Let your child know that you appreciate the work it takes to tolerate anxiety in order to do what they want or need to do. It's really encouraging them to engage in life and to let the anxiety take its natural curve. We call it the "habituation curve." That means that it will drop over time as he continues to have contact with the stressor. It might not drop to zero, it might not drop as quickly as you would like, but that's how we get over our fears.

When we're afraid of something, the hardest time is really before we do it. So another rule of thumb for parents is to really try to eliminate or reduce the anticipatory period. If a child is nervous about going to a doctor's appointment, you don't want to launch into a discussion about it two hours before you go; that's likely to get your child more keyed up. So just try to shorten that period to a minimum.

Sometimes it helps to talk through what would happen if a child's fear came true-how would they handle it? A child who's anxious about separating from their parents might worry about what would happen if a parent didn't come to pick them up. So we talk about that. If your mom doesn't come at the end of soccer practice, what would you do? "Well I would tell the coach my mom's not here." And what do you think the coach would do? "Well he would call my mom. Or he would wait with me." A child who's afraid that a stranger might be sent to pick them up can have a code word from their parents that anyone they sent would know. For some kids, having a plan can reduce the uncertainty in a healthy, effective way.

There are multiple ways you can help kids handle anxiety by letting them see how you cope with anxiety yourself. Kids are perceptive, and they're going to take it in if you keep complaining on the phone to a friend that you can't handle the stress or the anxiety. I'm not saying to pretend that you don't have stress and anxiety, but let kids hear or see you managing it calmly, tolerating it, feeling good about getting through it.

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What to Do (and Not Do) When Children Are Anxious - Child Mind Institute

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How to help a child with anxiety? We bring expert parenting advice on assisting children to escape the cycle of anxiety. Learn what to do and not to do, anxiety treatments, and behavioral modification techniques.

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Children's problems include adapting to a new classroom, bullying by classmates, or abuse at home, but resilience is the ability to thrive despite these challenges.

Cite this

American Psychological Association. (2012, January 24). Resilience guide for parents and teachers. https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience/guide-parents-teachers

We tend to idealize childhood as a carefree time, but youth alone offers no shield against the emotional hurts, challenges, and traumas many children face. Children can be asked to deal with problems ranging from adapting to a new classroom or online schooling to bullying by peers or even struggles at home. Add to that the uncertainties that are part of growing up in a complex world, and childhood can be anything but carefree. The ability to thrive despite these challenges arises from the skills of resilience.
The good news is that resilience skills can be learned.
Building resilience-the ability to adapt well to adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or even significant sources of stress-can help our children manage stress and feelings of anxiety and uncertainty. However, being resilient does not mean that children won't experience difficulty or distress. Emotional pain, sadness, and anxiety are common when we have suffered major trauma or personal loss, or even when we hear of someone else's loss or trauma.

10 tips for building resilience in children and teens

1. Make connections
Teach your child the importance of engaging and connecting with their peers, including the skill of empathy and listening to others. Find ways to help children foster connectivity by suggesting they connect to peers in-person or through phone, video chats, and texts. It's also important to build a strong family network. Connecting with others provides social support and strengthens resilience.

2. Help your child by having them help others
Children who may feel helpless can feel empowered by helping others. Engage your child in age-appropriate volunteer work or ask for assistance yourself with tasks that they can master. At school, brainstorm with children about ways they can help others in their class or in grades below.

3. Maintain a daily routine
Sticking to a routine can be comforting to children, especially younger children who crave structure in their lives. Work with your child to develop a routine, and highlight times that are for school work and play. Particularly during times of distress or transition, you might need to be flexible with some routines. At the same time, schedules and consistency are important to maintain.

4. Take a break
While some anxiety can motivate us to take positive action, we also need to validate all feelings. Teach your child how to focus on something that they can control or can act on. Help by challenging unrealistic thinking by asking them to examine the chances of the worst case scenario and what they might tell a friend who has those worries. Be aware of what your child is exposed to that can be troubling, whether it's through the news, online, or overheard conversations. Although schools are being held accountable for performance or required to provide certain instruction, build in unstructured time during the school day to allow children to be creative.

5. Teach your child self-care
Teach your child the importance of basic self-care. This may be making more time to eat properly, exercise, and get sufficient sleep. Make sure your child has time to have fun, and participate in activities they enjoy. Caring for oneself and even having fun will help children stay balanced and better deal with stressful times.

6. Move toward your goals
Teach your child to set reasonable goals and help them to move toward them one step at a time. Establishing goals will help children focus on a specific task and can help build the resilience to move forward in the face of challenges. At school, break down large assignments into small, achievable goals for younger children, and for older children, acknowledge accomplishments on the way to larger goals.

7. Nurture a positive self-view
Help your child remember ways they have successfully handled hardships in the past and help them understand that these past challenges help build the strength to handle future challenges. Help your child learn to trust themselves to solve problems and make appropriate decisions. At school, help children see how their individual accomplishments contribute to the wellbeing of the class as a whole.

8. Keep things in perspective and maintain a hopeful outlook
Even when your child is facing very painful events, help them look at the situation in a broader context and keep a long-term perspective. Although your child may be too young to consider a long-term look on their own, help them see that there is a future beyond the current situation and that the future can be good. An optimistic and positive outlook can enable children to see the good things in life and keep going even in the hardest times. In school, use history to show that life moves forward after bad events, and the worst things are specific and temporary.

9. Look for opportunities for self-discovery
Tough times are often when children learn the most about themselves. Help your child take a look at how whatever they're facing can teach them "what am I made of." At school, consider leading discussions of what each student has learned after facing a tough situation.

10. Accept change
Change often can be scary for children and teens. Help your child see that change is part of life and new goals can replace goals that have become unattainable. It is important to examine what is going well, and to have a plan of action for what is not going well. In school, point out how students have changed as they moved up in grade levels and discuss how that change has had an impact on the students.

Resilience and preschool children

Very young children will only recently have mastered the skills of walking and talking, and they may not be able to express their anxieties and fears. Although you may think they are too young to understand what is happening, even very young children can absorb frightening events from the news or from conversations they overhear.

Watch your children for signs of fear and sadness they may not be able to put into words. Have your children become extra clingy or needing more hugs than usual? Have your children started old habits after you thought they had outgrown the behavior? Are they suddenly more irritable? They may be feeling the pressure of what is going on in the world around them. Use play to help your children express their fears and encourage them to use art or pretend games to express what they may not be able to put into words.

Use family time like a security blanket for your children: wrap them up in family closeness and make sure your children have lots of family time. During times of stress and change, spend more time with your children playing games, reading to them, or just holding them close.

Resilience and elementary school children

Elementary school children may be starting to form new friend groups and participate in new activities as they come into their own. As they start to study subjects about the world outside of their homes, they look to teachers as well as to parents to make them feel safe and to help sort it all out.

Make sure your child has a place where they can feel safe, whether that is home or school (ideally, both would feel safe).

Talk to your children. When they have questions, answer them honestly and with reassurance that includes simple statements that let them know you are taking actions to keep them safe and are there to take care of them. Listen to their concerns and fears when they address them with you and let them know you are there for them.

When there is a situation outside of the home that is frightening, limit the amount of news your children watch or listen to. There is always the possibility that they misinterpret what they see or hear on the news. You don't need to hide what's happening in the world from your children, but neither do they have to be exposed to constant stories that fuel their fears. Check in on their understanding of what they have been exposed to.

Realize that extra stressors may heighten normal daily stresses. Your children might normally be able to handle a failed test or teasing, but be understanding that they may respond with anger or bad behavior to stress that normally wouldn't rattle them. Reassure them that you just want what is best for them and that you are there for them.

Resilience and middle school children

Even without larger traumas, middle school can be an especially difficult time for many children as they struggle to meet extra academic demands and avoid new social pitfalls. They look to teachers and friends as well as to parents to make them feel safe.

Reinforce empathy and help your child keep perspective. If your child falls into the shifting of social groups that form in middle school, help them understand that other children may be feeling just as lonely and confused, and help them to see beyond the current situation.

Talk with your child about your own feelings during times of extraordinary stress. Your children may be old enough to appreciate hearing about your own thoughts and feelings, but also the ways in which you cope. Share how the ways you cope are helpful to you, but also find techniques that may benefit your child.

Resilience and high schoolers

Although your teens may tower over you, they still are young and can keenly feel the fear and uncertainty of both the normal stresses of being a teen, as well as events in the world around them. Emotions may be volatile and close to the surface during teen years, and finding the best way to connect to your teen can be difficult.

Talk with them whenever you can, even if it seems they don't want to talk. Sometimes the best time to talk may be when you are in the car together; sometimes it may be when you are doing chores together, allowing your teen to focus on something else while they talk. When they have questions, answer them honestly but with reassurance. Ask them their opinion about what is happening and listen to their answers.

Find a place that your teen can create as their safe place, whether it's their bedroom or somewhere they find comfort. In high school, emotions can intensify, and rejection, taunting, or bullying can also be present. A space of their own can serve as a constant and a place for them to have as their own. Your children may prefer to be with their friends rather than spend time with you, but be ready to provide lots of family time for them when they need it and set aside family time that includes their friends.

When stressful things are happening in the world at large, encourage your teen to take "news breaks," whether they are getting news from the television, magazines or newspapers, or online. Use what they're seeing and hearing as a catalyst for discussion. Teens may act like they feel immortal, but at bottom they still want to know that everything will be ok. Having honest discussions of your fears and expectations can help your high schooler learn to express their own fears. If your teen struggles with words, encourage them to use journaling or art to express emotions.

Many teens are already feeling extreme highs and lows because of hormonal levels in their bodies; added stress or trauma can make these shifts seem more extreme. Be understanding of feelings and emotions, but also be firm when teens respond to stress with angry or sullen behavior. Reassure your child that they will be ok and you are looking out for their best interest

The journey of resilience

Developing resilience is a personal journey, and you should use your knowledge of your own children to guide them on their journey. An approach to building resilience that works for you or your child might not work for someone else.

If your child seems stuck or overwhelmed and unable to use these tips, you may want to consider talking to someone who can help, such as a psychologist or other mental health professional. Turning to someone for guidance may help your child strengthen resilience and persevere during times of stress or trauma.

Acknowledgments

APA gratefully acknowledges the following experts: Mary K. Alvord, PhD, Robin Gurwitch, PhD, Jana Martin, PhD, and Ronald S. Palomares, PhD.

Information presented here should not be used as a substitute for professional health and mental health care or consultation. Individuals who believe they may need or benefit from care should consult a psychologist or other licensed health/mental health professional.

Recommended Reading

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Resilience guide for parents and teachers

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Children's problems include adapting to a new classroom, bullying by classmates or abuse at home, but resilience is the ability to thrive despite these challenges.

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Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids | Kidz Now Urgent Care

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Need parenting help? Kidz Now Urgent Care shares insights on empowering resilience and ensuring your child’s health. Read more.

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Breast Cancer Resources - National Breast Cancer Foundation

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Download free resources about the early detection of breast cancer, the symptoms of breast cancer, and what to do if you have an abnormal mammogram result.