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What People Think of Me is None of My Business ~Finalish

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What People Think of Me is None of My Business ~Finalish

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I don’t have many words, but kept the collages I’ve made over time. Each one I see as connecting to the other reflecting an image on me, my values, & those I love.

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Practicing and doing cops in the head was so transformative for me. I felt and almost freedom after, even in understanding that I have to accept non-closure. Before gettin into the theatrics of it, I went into class with anxiety that was manifesting in my body, all because I scared that I had to perform a certain way. Even though “practiced performance” was not the expectation, I was internalizing, trying to think up what I knew, but found this “practice” could not come as I retold my story. After sharing my story out loud with the class, I took the feeling of those intense emotions, and sensed the streams of tears that poured out of my eyes for well over an hour. As we got into the practice and I confronted the cops, the shame I had initially described and felt shrank. I said that this shame now rest in the tip of my right, pointer-finger. However, after the practice, I noticed things that I thought brought my shame, began to transform as I understood that it came from a completely different place. It was almost like a feeling of freedom, and listening to everyone share their observations or their connections brought me a sense of calm and even happiness. I felt myself just speaking from my mind, and acknowledging my bodily sensations go from feeling hot to having a cool nervous system.

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I wanted to record myself, but found that I kept stumbling on my words & feel most comfortable using this Avenue. In reflecting, I understand now that something I could casually talk about is not so casual. When we split up in groups to answer the question “what kept you from doing or saying something” I listened to my partners and reflected on how I’m very outspoken however, I thought about the one person I appease. And when it got to my turn I found my self crying and my voice shaking, as I started to speak. I talked about the Aunt who is so miserable. All they do is criticize, victim blame, spew homophobia, and spew anti-indigenous transphobia. How this aunt houses me and I love her, but she drinks, and she spreads her misery. I cried, as I shared how I have not talked back to her because I know the words will fall on deaf ears that I know the bigotry is not just of the mind, but of her heart. I found myself saying that I remained silent as she told my younger cousin, at 16, that what she’s wearing means she deserves to get raped. That she said these things, while she herself is a settler in Hawai’i, a land with a long-standing culture that aims to not sexualize the body, to see the body as a vessel, that sustains us and keeps us alive. I thought this and she said those awful things, but I did not respond back to her nor did I retaliate because I did not want to deal with her screaming or for her to kick me out of her house while she housed me. I spoke about the time in which she was drunk and arguing with her child’s father, and I had to play the adult in the room as I put them in the vehicle, and then turn on the vehicle and drove a truck I had never driven before. I remain silent as I play music, listening to these drunkards yell and argue in the back, attempting to keep my two cousins entertained, and not having to witness their parents. I cried as I shared this, and I cried, as I thought to why I haven’t retaliated. In the end, I shared how my voice put a matter to such a person on the voices of neighbors, called CPS on them was not enough to protect her children, my cousins. And I continuously cry, when I think about the times, in which I retaliated in my own way, not vocally, not through direct action button, how I dressed what I believe, and what I ignore when around her. And I cry, as I feel some shame, loving an individual who has so many attributes that I despise and humanity.

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Often I have a lot of body pains because I have severe endometriosis and thalassemia. For me, this means some intense abdomen pain and shortness of breath with physical actively. With that, I was worried it would affect me in class today, so I did a check in before the period with Nives. To my surprise, while I did have some minor pain, it really melted away because I was absorbed in the community of the space, and the lack of extreme physical demand my body took part in during enactment. I noticed I felt comfortable, and I could allow myself to have time to breathe, and I just wanted to share that appreciation!

To be able to take part in movement without the worries of pain is a beauty not afforded in many spaces, especially in institutions.

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My mini collage, an ongoing process. I plan to add to it as I find trinkets, especially more color.

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Surprises & Bias !!

When we opened class with the reflection portion with our partners, I found myself surprised as I discussed a new venture I have been taking. I was talking and talking, and came to the realization that I found myself surprised when I was able to share an experience in which I shut down mansplaining and stood my ground. as I told the story, I shared how it was something I subconsciously told myself would be a new practice I would try to commit. I shared that the surprising factor was the fact that I didn’t make myself small and just listen to prevent conflict and that I spoke up and as an adult in this conversation I had with a straight, older cis, white man. I shared the courage that took, but also reflected on what it looks like to stand ground without belittling or using excessive anger.

Thinking of what Nives said before we started the practice & learning what it really means, that we often put our power into something either to win or fail. As if there is only black & white, instead of the notion of equilibrium.

to think beyond our physical bodies be too different to allow for equilibrium in the movement practice

As class continued and we took on the exercise to find equilibrium, I found the activity, so fun yet tiring. What I enjoyed most, was being able to reflect after and find two biases I held. One which I shared was that I wanted to pair with somebody male presenting to fight against the assumption, that I am not strong, and therefore show my physical prowess. While the second bias, how did the fact that I was not pushing my body to the extent I could with my first partner, because I placed the assumption that it would be too much for them. To mitigate that I would at times push harder, but found myself leaning back when I would feel how much they pushed, and how I did not falter to it. Making that assumption, based on a bias, showed to me how I was doing a disservice to myself and my partner. However, after finding both these spices within myself, I feel eager to try the practice again, especially once we work at “cops in the head.”

Side note- I definitely need to bring more water & have myself sit when I do not feel physically up to standing most of the time

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Bonnet bae look!

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Reflection #1 notes: full group mirroring "I didn't have much fear in my head"; in the pairing "I had discomfort" -- "Why did I need to be in my head?"; had discomfort with partner; the politicized body; taking up space (physically and socially); self-examination.

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Autoethnography of Schooling History Artifact 

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Autoethnography of Schooling History Artifact 

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Made with leftover scraps of paper, the paper sculpture also represents my resourcefulness with what I had and have while attending school.

Chapter 2 History & Culture "…..we discuss how events and ideologies that shape our national character also shape schools and classrooms." - This was evident in the schools I attended which reflected the dominant attitude of each location. For example, I attended a pwi in Murrieta California known for it's conservative politics. At that school I found my body policed more so I could follow the guidelines of female "modesty." This was based on the largely Protestant and LDS attitudes of the community.

Why the Grammar of Schooling Persists- "…..was that there is no single course of preparation for success in college" (99) - My experience and overall "success" in school is a direct example of how I took a different path that still worked for me (ignoring the obstacles due to inequity)

Chapter 2 History & Culture "A key objective of early-twentieth-century reformers was to use public schools to establish religious and moral homogeneity." - this still persisted in my schooling, especially in the religious context with what was asked of me as a student and individual

Real School: A universal; drama amid-".

..participation in the varied schools provided us

radically different experiences." (Metz 76) - While the researchers of this text were referring to their experiences this helped me reflect on my own. I had attended over 9 different schools, with 5 different high-schools in particular. There were radical differences in the communities, cultures, wealth, and racial demographic which changed how I experienced each school.

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Classroom power, authority, and practice

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Classroom power, authority, and practice

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My collage is a collection of my heritage, our collective history, & my passion for resistance. I put the embolden word “JOY” to highlight its necessity in struggle & society, especially in the trauma felt by so many including the Black, Indigenous, South East & Pasifika people & imagery I featured.

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Just as an update, when you watch the video, I refer to the Pua Aloalo filter - left side does not mean you’re unwed it means you’re married!

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Our ELD students gifted us chamomile flowers they cut themselves with help of the teacher 🥹 felt surprising

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For more check out https://www.tapahe.com/ by artist Eugene Tapahe who features the Ojibwe Jingle Dress 

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“You cannot be quiet in a Jingle Dress” I chose this image because of my racial relation to it, as well as my understanding of how it connects to Turtle Island Native issues & oppressions. It became really personal, as this projects takes Jingle Dress dancing, recognized across almost all NDN groups. It focuses on the healing Jingle Dress dancing brings to the land, documenting these actions through video, social media, & photography. It uplifts the concerns of ICWA, Clean water, MMIW(AC), & many other movements. I found that in my attempt to jingle dress dance, I found other movements flow with this image and overall art as well as stagnation in the power that is standing still with a fist for justice & solidarity.

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+ a few art pieces

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Excerpt include embodied history

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Unfortunately, I was physically ill for the VTS process we had for class & went to the museum on my own. I asked a stranger to take my awkward pic ✨

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Cheayenne’Tagi S. Gorg- Learner Identity 

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Cheayenne’Tagi S. Gorg- Learner Identity 

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https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DNZzoeWlHS_olPp8lJa0uNsS9OP4ezfHGNSbVQ3A01k/edit?usp=sharing

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The Problematics of Ethnic Studies -Finalized Question 

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The Problematics of Ethnic Studies -Finalized Question 

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How do we frame race & ethnicity by our pathway given its complexities, misconceptions, and understanding by both students and teachers?

Ex: We perform our race to be affirmed/perceived as such or differently.

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1. How old were you when you knew you “raced” ?

I was around 5-6 and was called a n*gger by a white man who proceeded to call my mother a ch*nk. All because we were crossing the parking lot from Blockbuster to get to her car and he almost hit us while he was speeding. My mom had to have a talk with me after explaining what happened because I didn’t understand my positionality.

2. How old were you when you knew your “Gender”

I knew my gender as a “girl” before the start of kindergarten but I did not understand what that really meant. I thought there is blue and there is pink and I love pink. What really made me understand my gender was the sexualization I faced 6th grade on, when adult men would make comments about me in any form. I started to understand I was a woman .

3. What is your definition of “ anti-racism”?

Both opposing and working against the inter workings of racism in all facets of society

4. What does “Woke” mean to you”

I think it is the reactionary conservative way of saying Black, brown, or queer. Anything non-white and straight. It is often used as a mask to defend bigotry in online spaces.

5. Define intersectionality?

The multitude of social categories that make up a person such as race, class, gender, sex, etc. in overlapping ways that show for advantages or disadvantages within society

Please write no more than 4 sentences

Finally, why is it important to you to expand your understanding of systems of Oppression?

It is important for me to expand my understanding of systems of oppression so I can hold myself accountable as well as check myself when I am upholding it. At times I think I know as much as I can about the reasons for oppression but no, there's so much more for me to learn. By obtaining more and more of this knowledge and understanding I become much more capable in preventing myself as acting as an oppressor.

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